1 00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:02,360 Speaker 1: With the Heads Podcast Network. 2 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,400 Speaker 2: Hello and welcome back to another week of Slow It Down. 3 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,640 Speaker 2: I am your host p J Harding and this week's 4 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:20,480 Speaker 2: episode get your tshoes Ready. It is powerful and very 5 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 2: moving and puts life into perspective like nothing else. I 6 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:29,680 Speaker 2: am joined by Janelle Brunton Rinnie, who not only founded 7 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:33,159 Speaker 2: a very successful PR company called Media Jam here in 8 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:38,680 Speaker 2: New Zealand, she has tackled marathons, triathlons, been a competitive bodybuilder, 9 00:00:39,479 --> 00:00:42,400 Speaker 2: and when she was thirty six years old, her husband 10 00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:45,800 Speaker 2: died of blood cancer. At the time he was diagnosed, 11 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:48,640 Speaker 2: they had a four month old daughter together. She was 12 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:53,159 Speaker 2: suffering from postnatal depression. There was a lot going on, 13 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:58,120 Speaker 2: and in this episode we talk about how she survived 14 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:03,760 Speaker 2: those incredible tough days, how she navigated being a solo 15 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:09,520 Speaker 2: mum with postpartum depression, trying to run her own business 16 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:16,760 Speaker 2: seemingly impossible conditions. Janelle is so resilient, so strong, and 17 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 2: also this is a tale of hope because she has 18 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 2: now found love again and she has engaged. And I 19 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,440 Speaker 2: got so much out of this chat. I think often 20 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:29,040 Speaker 2: we are guilty of taking for granted what we have 21 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,520 Speaker 2: and pretty much every second. 22 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,680 Speaker 1: I was talking to Janelle, I was like, life is good. 23 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,679 Speaker 2: I need to appreciate everything I have right here right now. 24 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:42,679 Speaker 2: It makes you stop listen, feel a heck of a 25 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:46,000 Speaker 2: lot of empathy, and also feel really inspired as well, 26 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:51,559 Speaker 2: just the absolute resilience that she showed through some of 27 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:54,960 Speaker 2: the most unimaginable circumstances. I really hope you enjoy this 28 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,880 Speaker 2: week's episode with Janelle Brunton. Ready, Janelle, it is so 29 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,680 Speaker 2: nice to have you with me this morning and slow 30 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:03,960 Speaker 2: it down. Thank you so much for taking the time 31 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,920 Speaker 2: out of your day to have a little chairs Ah. 32 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,720 Speaker 3: Honestly, I'm so excited to be here. Thanks so much 33 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:10,320 Speaker 3: for asking me. 34 00:02:10,639 --> 00:02:11,960 Speaker 1: I think I connected with you. 35 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,800 Speaker 2: There were sitting brands that you had under your PR company, 36 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,280 Speaker 2: and then I don't know, I've just known you from 37 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,520 Speaker 2: afar over Instagram over the years. 38 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,840 Speaker 4: Sure, and then I would have sent you stuff to 39 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:23,440 Speaker 4: do with whatever life cycle you. 40 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,560 Speaker 3: Were in, so more recently like yay than that sort 41 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:27,000 Speaker 3: of stuff. 42 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,320 Speaker 2: How we work, Yeah, speaks of all Lea's go back 43 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:30,280 Speaker 2: to the beginning of media jam. 44 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:31,960 Speaker 1: How did you get into all of that? 45 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,120 Speaker 4: It was like the coin of botox at twenty four 46 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,919 Speaker 4: years old, and I was the marketing manager for the 47 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,280 Speaker 4: Casey Group. And it was before everyone did the botox thing. 48 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,480 Speaker 4: So I'm like trying to get everyone to understand botox 49 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:46,240 Speaker 4: and it's amazing now, and whatever was everyone these days 50 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,000 Speaker 4: talks about it was still a dirty word back then. 51 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,639 Speaker 4: Fast forward and then I was in PR for Pandora 52 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:54,680 Speaker 4: Jewelry and I thought to myself, I love PR. I could, 53 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,920 Speaker 4: but if I had a number of brands, I could 54 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 4: share them all love and talk to everyone more often. 55 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,720 Speaker 4: So I started Media Jam, thinking it'd be really great. 56 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:05,680 Speaker 4: If I could get like three, four or five brands 57 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,720 Speaker 4: on board, I would love it. And then Media Jam 58 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,200 Speaker 4: did well, yours have to work super hard. 59 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:14,120 Speaker 3: And then I went to Bali and I don't know 60 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:14,880 Speaker 3: when that was. 61 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,639 Speaker 4: It might have been maybe three years into Media Jam, 62 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:21,600 Speaker 4: and Bali impacted me a lot the first time I 63 00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:24,119 Speaker 4: went there, and I came back and I thought about 64 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,760 Speaker 4: it and I thought about it, and it was before 65 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:30,040 Speaker 4: ethical business was really even a thing, and I decided 66 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,000 Speaker 4: that I really wanted to use my voice for good 67 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 4: and I wanted to share. I ordered to focus on 68 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,280 Speaker 4: sharing brands, people and products that were trying to make 69 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:42,160 Speaker 4: a positive impact or positive difference in the world. So 70 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:45,640 Speaker 4: I repositioned media Jam as an ethical PR company, which 71 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,960 Speaker 4: was very groundbreaking at the time, and it really took 72 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:52,080 Speaker 4: off and I was just so blessed to work with 73 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:57,280 Speaker 4: so many incredible green eco brands and it's just. 74 00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:57,960 Speaker 3: Gone from there. 75 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:02,120 Speaker 2: So when you jumped into that you like, full on boss? 76 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,480 Speaker 2: Did you go into that full boss role? Did you 77 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 2: have much experience like or were you winging it? 78 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:08,440 Speaker 3: Nah? 79 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:11,360 Speaker 4: I think having done all the marketing stuff, yeah, and 80 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:15,480 Speaker 4: got all the business now and then realizing that PR 81 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:16,320 Speaker 4: was where. 82 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:18,159 Speaker 3: My my what do you call it? 83 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 4: My authentic set is very aligned with PR. I remember 84 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,800 Speaker 4: all the most random things about everyone. I know their 85 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:28,159 Speaker 4: dog's names, their children's names, whether they wear silver, gold, 86 00:04:28,279 --> 00:04:31,400 Speaker 4: rose gold. I remember what I gifted them like fifteen 87 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,520 Speaker 4: years ago, and I've been doing it for twenty years now. 88 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:36,440 Speaker 4: I moved to Auckland twenty years ago to work in 89 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,320 Speaker 4: beauty and lifestyle and do what I'm doing so. 90 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,640 Speaker 3: Now it just felt like a natural progression. 91 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:44,680 Speaker 4: I do remember they were Media Jam turned two and 92 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,280 Speaker 4: I stood in the shower and ugly cried because when 93 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,719 Speaker 4: you start a company, it's all these naysayers and everyone 94 00:04:50,839 --> 00:04:54,599 Speaker 4: says to you, I make it so hard and what 95 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:56,800 Speaker 4: does it? Eighty percent of small businesses fail within the 96 00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:00,360 Speaker 4: first two years, and then I I think I was 97 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,640 Speaker 4: twenty eight when I started it. 98 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,480 Speaker 3: Man, did I hustle hard? 99 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,960 Speaker 4: And I stood and cried out of honestly genuine pride 100 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 4: because after two years I was established media jam was 101 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,039 Speaker 4: doing well. 102 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:14,840 Speaker 3: I had a. 103 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,880 Speaker 4: Couple of really good brands by that stage I was 104 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:20,200 Speaker 4: so proud of and slightly wepped in the shower. 105 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 2: So do you put it down to being really authentic 106 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,480 Speaker 2: with your business, Masha? 107 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:31,400 Speaker 4: I'm for farm in North Canterbury, so farm girl by nature. 108 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,279 Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I can like drench your mob sheep like 109 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,360 Speaker 4: I could actually do all the farm stuff bag. 110 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,159 Speaker 3: I wouldn't believe that I've been brought up on a 111 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:38,880 Speaker 3: farm my whole. 112 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 4: Life, and I think it gave me a really good 113 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:48,240 Speaker 4: grounding around with ethics and ethos and ensuring I'm a 114 00:05:48,279 --> 00:05:50,240 Speaker 4: bit of a people pleaser as well by nature, which 115 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,680 Speaker 4: is quite a good thing in pr So I think. 116 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,920 Speaker 3: I've got this work ethos where I love to over deliver. 117 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:58,360 Speaker 4: I've got my dad brought me up very like salt 118 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,159 Speaker 4: of the earth, hard walking, good can tab family. 119 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:03,040 Speaker 1: Whereabout North Canterbrec. 120 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:05,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, North Camber, Oh, White Brah. 121 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,240 Speaker 1: White bra also wine region. 122 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:08,160 Speaker 3: Wine region. 123 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,920 Speaker 4: Yeah, they're mostly beef actually now beig farmers that back 124 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,920 Speaker 4: in the day was all sheep and beaf. Yeah. 125 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:14,279 Speaker 3: Yeah. 126 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:16,400 Speaker 4: I think it gave me a good cift effects and ethos. 127 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:19,160 Speaker 4: And combine that with the fact that I love to talk. 128 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,600 Speaker 4: I remember all the random stuff about people because I'm 129 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:25,120 Speaker 4: quite interested in people, and I'm a people pleaser who 130 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,360 Speaker 4: likes to make everyone, like all parties happy. 131 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,080 Speaker 3: It makes me really good at it. 132 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:31,720 Speaker 1: That's amazing. 133 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 2: What a skill to have though, That's such a beautiful 134 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:39,800 Speaker 2: trait to have. So with slot down, I guess I 135 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,560 Speaker 2: want to talk to people about how they stay sane 136 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:47,440 Speaker 2: in the chaos and find peace in the mundane as well. 137 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:53,800 Speaker 2: But jeepers, you have absolutely walked through fire over the 138 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:58,520 Speaker 2: last five years is it seven seven years? 139 00:06:58,920 --> 00:06:59,160 Speaker 3: Yeah? 140 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:03,440 Speaker 2: And I don't I don't want to make you relive 141 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 2: all of the trauma that you've been through, but you 142 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,840 Speaker 2: have openly Okay, we can chat about it. 143 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,240 Speaker 3: I'm good with chatting about it. 144 00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:12,680 Speaker 4: I've done so much processing of it all, and as 145 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:16,440 Speaker 4: you know, I have shared the journey so openly online 146 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 4: because it's helped me so much that I'm good with 147 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:21,640 Speaker 4: talking about it. 148 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:22,960 Speaker 3: We can totally go there. 149 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:27,080 Speaker 2: It's okay because I often I often think about my situation, 150 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,000 Speaker 2: life is so hard, and then I will literally think 151 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:31,680 Speaker 2: about what you've been. 152 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:36,680 Speaker 1: Through, and I'm like jeepers. It just puts everything into perspective. 153 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,360 Speaker 2: And I know everyone's hard as relative to their own situation, 154 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,640 Speaker 2: and everyone at some point will go through a really 155 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:45,560 Speaker 2: hard time. But you were your daughter was four months old, 156 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:49,000 Speaker 2: and that's when you discovered that your husband Kurt, had 157 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,920 Speaker 2: been diagnosed with blood cancer. 158 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,880 Speaker 3: I remember I worked the day before stage came out. 159 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 3: I knew that when it's you're the business owner. 160 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,520 Speaker 4: You don't get tunity leave, but I did have two 161 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,240 Speaker 4: weeks off, and then I was running the company again 162 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,680 Speaker 4: with a small child in a vesinette and next to 163 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:06,880 Speaker 4: my desk, and that I don't want to glorify that. 164 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:09,880 Speaker 4: I don't in hindsight, that's not a good idea. That 165 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,480 Speaker 4: was a huge amount of pressure, and combined that with 166 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:16,520 Speaker 4: all everything else, I had a really hard time as 167 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:20,440 Speaker 4: a new mum. I was never diagnosed with postnatal depression, 168 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:23,720 Speaker 4: but I definitely had a severe case of the baby 169 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:27,240 Speaker 4: blues and I saved just born on the September, and 170 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,760 Speaker 4: I remember on the third of January, I went to 171 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:33,120 Speaker 4: Auckland Domain one tree hell, and I like sat under 172 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,920 Speaker 4: this tree and I was like, I've made it. I've 173 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 4: got through that really hard time. I feel like I'm. 174 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,839 Speaker 3: Really I've got this. I'm a good mum. 175 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,720 Speaker 4: My business is not crumbled underneath me, because it's what 176 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:45,800 Speaker 4: I was terrified about. 177 00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:47,319 Speaker 3: I've got this. 178 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,040 Speaker 4: And I wrote all this incredible stuff in my journal 179 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,360 Speaker 4: and honestly thought I was holier than there and good 180 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:56,080 Speaker 4: for me. And it was like that moment is so 181 00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:00,040 Speaker 4: burned into my memory because I remember thinking it and 182 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:04,040 Speaker 4: then very quickly it's like I was taken by an avalanche. Basically, 183 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:07,680 Speaker 4: we celebrated our wedding anniversary on the tenth of January. 184 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:12,000 Speaker 3: On the eleventh of January, Kurt, my late husband. 185 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,240 Speaker 4: Got out of the shower and just really nonchalantly went 186 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,640 Speaker 4: to me, hey, j dreck and this feels a bit hard, 187 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:17,719 Speaker 4: and prodded. 188 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,160 Speaker 3: Around his upper abdomen. 189 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,920 Speaker 4: And Kurt was the most healthy guy I'd ever met, 190 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:24,320 Speaker 4: never had a cough, cold, flu. 191 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:28,560 Speaker 3: The guy was seemingly like Superman. And I went, yeah, back, 192 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,040 Speaker 3: maybe should go to the doctor. Never thought anything about it, 193 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,199 Speaker 3: not even kedding didn't even cross my mind. 194 00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:35,920 Speaker 4: Kurt, being very proactive about his health, went straight to 195 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:40,720 Speaker 4: the doctor, and that afternoon life just unraveled at breakneck speed. 196 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:48,240 Speaker 4: It's incredibly humbling to experience something where like literally within 197 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:53,080 Speaker 4: a moment, life can completely unrevel And I got a 198 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 4: call from Kurt to say, been to the doctor. Doctor 199 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:57,719 Speaker 4: sent me straight to an ultrasound. On my way to 200 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:01,800 Speaker 4: the ultram ultrasound, got a call from Kurt after the 201 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 4: ultrasound on his way back to the doctor. 202 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 3: Lady at the ulch seon wouldn't tell me anything. I'm 203 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,280 Speaker 3: going straight back to the doctor for the results. Now 204 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,480 Speaker 3: we know that normally we go the uch side and 205 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:11,600 Speaker 3: they go, oh, it's all good. 206 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,640 Speaker 4: That was when we thought, oh, and then read me 207 00:10:14,679 --> 00:10:17,080 Speaker 4: straight away to say I have a large growth on 208 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,880 Speaker 4: my spleen and we need to do biopsas immediately to 209 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,480 Speaker 4: find out what it is. You automatically jump on doctor 210 00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:26,280 Speaker 4: Google and life goes from the air. And the next 211 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,480 Speaker 4: the next three or four weeks quite a blur because 212 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:31,920 Speaker 4: you don't know what you're dealing with. You keep telling 213 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:35,040 Speaker 4: yourself that it'll be benign. It's not benign, and Kurt's 214 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:38,400 Speaker 4: blood cans had turned out to be very hyper aggressive. 215 00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:41,200 Speaker 3: It would have killed him within four weeks without intervention. 216 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,360 Speaker 4: We did not have that small tumor was the size 217 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:47,600 Speaker 4: of an American football in four weeks, and we did 218 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:50,600 Speaker 4: not have time at all to really get anything done. 219 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,080 Speaker 4: And he was in hospital, and we were very fortunate 220 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,760 Speaker 4: that he responded initially very well to chemo. 221 00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,720 Speaker 3: Otherwise that would have been the end of it, very rapidly. 222 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,480 Speaker 2: I can't even imagine being in your body in that situation, 223 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,080 Speaker 2: like you're, as I said, like you're your new mum, 224 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,920 Speaker 2: You're trying to still got your business, like you're still 225 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,840 Speaker 2: trying to balance there, and then you're blown this earth 226 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:17,120 Speaker 2: shattering news. How did you get through the next few months. 227 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:22,520 Speaker 4: I again, I think that farm upbringing and my dad 228 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,200 Speaker 4: instilled in me this very very tough and I don't 229 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,840 Speaker 4: mean that in some toxic masculine way. There's a real 230 00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:32,080 Speaker 4: resilience to me that I knew it was there, but 231 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,640 Speaker 4: I'd never had to call upon. And I think I 232 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,320 Speaker 4: just you go into survival mode. So you go at 233 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,840 Speaker 4: first you're in shock, and then you go into survival mode. 234 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,800 Speaker 4: And then when you're like me, you're like, I will 235 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:47,719 Speaker 4: not let you die. Was basically right. So you research everything, 236 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,880 Speaker 4: you try everything, you name it. 237 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:50,720 Speaker 3: We did all that. 238 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:57,400 Speaker 4: We did everything, every single integritive medicine combined with traditional 239 00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:00,880 Speaker 4: medicine and my traditional hospital, not like all sorts of medicines. 240 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,120 Speaker 3: We did all the medicines. Babe. 241 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,000 Speaker 4: When you're in survival mode, all you do is you 242 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,000 Speaker 4: just keep going, like you get up every day and 243 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:07,840 Speaker 4: you just keep going, and you fight all the fires 244 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:10,840 Speaker 4: and you keep going, and you cook the food and 245 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,080 Speaker 4: you just keep everyone alive. 246 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,120 Speaker 2: And you can't look at the bag pacture. You have 247 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,920 Speaker 2: to literally take it moment by my mind. 248 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:18,440 Speaker 3: You're not even able to. Yeah, it's like when you 249 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,120 Speaker 3: have it. You know, when you have a newborn baby 250 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,520 Speaker 3: and you're in the fog, and it's like the fog 251 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,120 Speaker 3: comes in to ensure that we keep our baby alive. 252 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:26,640 Speaker 3: We're focused. 253 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:30,720 Speaker 4: It's like mother nature does this to keep us focused 254 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,240 Speaker 4: on our number one thing, our baby. 255 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,880 Speaker 3: So it's like you go into a survival fog. 256 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:39,320 Speaker 4: And for me, it was keep my baby alive, keep 257 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,760 Speaker 4: my husband alive, keep my business alive. It wasn't actually 258 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:44,720 Speaker 4: so much about me it keeping me alive at all. 259 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,679 Speaker 4: You're the very last thing on the list. But if 260 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,320 Speaker 4: I can keep those three things alive, that's all I 261 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 4: do each day, and each day is instant repeat, just 262 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,360 Speaker 4: keep everything alive. And you can't look outside the fog. 263 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:56,720 Speaker 4: It's like you're incapable. 264 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,000 Speaker 2: And when you're in, because then you actually sink, right, 265 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,080 Speaker 2: Like you have to just keep going. 266 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:02,720 Speaker 3: Around. 267 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,280 Speaker 4: I think you just put that push the overwhel on button, 268 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,880 Speaker 4: and some people do it. Everyone's different, Everyone handles. 269 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:09,760 Speaker 3: These situations differently. 270 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:14,280 Speaker 4: I'm lucky that my modus operandi was like full on 271 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,839 Speaker 4: action mode and I'm doing this and everyone is living 272 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,080 Speaker 4: this will not happen on my watch, so to speak. 273 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:26,079 Speaker 2: And so after how many months of treatment he had 274 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,400 Speaker 2: to go over season there. 275 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 4: Yeah, in PR you have to have a plan B, right, 276 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,400 Speaker 4: You always have a plan A and a plane B. 277 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:32,560 Speaker 1: Yeah. 278 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,240 Speaker 4: So my plan B was to find out what happened 279 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:40,079 Speaker 4: if he became unresponsive to chemo in New Zealand, and 280 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:43,200 Speaker 4: the only thing that was feasible or was that was 281 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:47,080 Speaker 4: available was CARTI therapy, which is immunotherapy was not available 282 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:50,280 Speaker 4: in New Zealand, was available in the US. We got 283 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,679 Speaker 4: him accepted at mass gen and Boston, and we were 284 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:53,720 Speaker 4: on a plane to Boston. 285 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,160 Speaker 1: You remind me so much of my mum. 286 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,480 Speaker 2: So my dad was diagnosed with stage four process cancer 287 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,599 Speaker 2: when I was fourteen fifteen, and he got told he 288 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,199 Speaker 2: had two to five years from doctors. My mum, who 289 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,120 Speaker 2: was a doctor but then got really into alternative health 290 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:07,520 Speaker 2: as well. 291 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,040 Speaker 1: God, she did not take that. Just remind me so 292 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:11,480 Speaker 1: much of it. 293 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,280 Speaker 2: She did never, she never took no for an answer, 294 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:18,880 Speaker 2: and she explored every single option, every Yeah, and you 295 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:21,680 Speaker 2: do in that situation, You do everything you can. 296 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:26,840 Speaker 4: When you love someone like you will fight with them 297 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,280 Speaker 4: till the end. And that's what it feels like. It 298 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,920 Speaker 4: feels like you're in war like It's the only way 299 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,080 Speaker 4: I can describe it. When I said this at Kurt's funeral, 300 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:37,920 Speaker 4: I felt like I was this warrior that had picked 301 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,760 Speaker 4: up the biggest sword I could find, and I would 302 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:45,200 Speaker 4: swing at anything and everything that threatened us. And you 303 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,680 Speaker 4: just keep fighting. 304 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,440 Speaker 2: So when you went over says you got him on 305 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,240 Speaker 2: the trial? Was he initially response of. 306 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,960 Speaker 3: So WI party, they take your tea cells. 307 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,560 Speaker 4: Yeah, they send them till I think it was somewhere 308 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,520 Speaker 4: in Chicago, and they genetically engineer them into killer cells, 309 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,760 Speaker 4: and they do it through a process of exposing them 310 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:10,640 Speaker 4: to different things like polio, this, that, till they're like 311 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:15,720 Speaker 4: basically they are like, just yeah, the worst of the 312 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,920 Speaker 4: baddest of the tea cells in a very good way. 313 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,000 Speaker 4: And for some people it works, and it is very 314 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,000 Speaker 4: good technology, and it is incredible. 315 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:27,760 Speaker 3: In Kurt's case, his cancer was so aggressive and so 316 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,960 Speaker 3: fast that he had so much cancer within his body. 317 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:35,240 Speaker 4: Again that the t cells they go to work, they 318 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,800 Speaker 4: do their job, but he went into a coma because 319 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,880 Speaker 4: you get this massive build up of this toxin that 320 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,480 Speaker 4: the cancer secretes as it dies. 321 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:46,080 Speaker 3: Something. If anyone's listening to this, that is medical and 322 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,640 Speaker 3: I'm not giving it all up, but. 323 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:52,120 Speaker 4: I'm doing my best, hug And he got neurotoxin, and 324 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,960 Speaker 4: he got neurotoxicy went into a coma, And unfortunately, at 325 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:59,360 Speaker 4: that point they have to intervene because if they don't, 326 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:02,320 Speaker 4: they have had a number of people on trials that 327 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:06,760 Speaker 4: have been cancer free, but the aftermath of it is 328 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:07,560 Speaker 4: so huge that. 329 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,280 Speaker 3: They may be in a coma for the rest of 330 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 3: their life. So in terms of ethics, they need to intervene. 331 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,560 Speaker 3: So when they intervened, they stopped the T cells working. 332 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,640 Speaker 4: We then had a scan that actually showed that ninety 333 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,080 Speaker 4: percent of all the cancer was gone. 334 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:23,000 Speaker 3: It's incredible. But there was this little area that lit 335 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:23,400 Speaker 3: up like. 336 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,360 Speaker 4: A Christmas tree on the scan, and I remember thinking, 337 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:28,000 Speaker 4: I've never quite seen anything light up that bright before. 338 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,720 Speaker 4: And unfortunately, maybe that was what was left when they 339 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:34,920 Speaker 4: had to stop the process, or this was a highly 340 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,480 Speaker 4: aggressive kind of cancer that the tea cells were even 341 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 4: rendered useless against. 342 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,000 Speaker 3: We will never know that. 343 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:44,120 Speaker 4: And on Christmas Day, Boxing Day that year, I got 344 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,880 Speaker 4: a call from Kurt and he'd had what they too 345 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:49,400 Speaker 4: to reposition and scan and he said, it's bad news, baby, 346 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,840 Speaker 4: and I remember him reading it to me, and again, 347 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,640 Speaker 4: it's one of those moments. 348 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,840 Speaker 3: That it burned into your psyche. 349 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,560 Speaker 4: I remember my legs just completely falling out from underneath me. 350 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,120 Speaker 4: Couldn't hold me any more, and I let out the 351 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:04,200 Speaker 4: sound that I don't kind of like a cow giving 352 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:07,040 Speaker 4: birth actually, And you'll understand that noise, but most people 353 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,760 Speaker 4: will be like let out the sound, which is basically 354 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,879 Speaker 4: every part of ear escaping your body. And I know 355 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,919 Speaker 4: exactly where I was when it happened, and I can 356 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,040 Speaker 4: feel it even now that moment, and that was the 357 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,040 Speaker 4: moment that we thought, Okay, we've just got to get 358 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,199 Speaker 4: you home. And I never got to speak to Kur 359 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:26,000 Speaker 4: after that because he couldn't speak pretty much. From the 360 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,719 Speaker 4: next day, everything was very and we've managed to get 361 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:32,200 Speaker 4: him home to New Zealand and he passed the seventh 362 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:33,960 Speaker 4: of January. 363 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,160 Speaker 2: That sound that you're talking about, it's a visceral sound. 364 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,480 Speaker 2: I remember letting that out after my dad passed, and 365 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,000 Speaker 2: I just remember going outside and it was almost like 366 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:42,600 Speaker 2: a howl. 367 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:44,640 Speaker 1: And I remember in. 368 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,280 Speaker 2: That same moment, I was like, I don't know what 369 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:48,679 Speaker 2: that was. I think my brother might have done it 370 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,440 Speaker 2: as well. And I just think that's no, you don't. 371 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 2: And I just think that's a great response. And I 372 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,359 Speaker 2: think it's totally natural. But we in the Western world 373 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,439 Speaker 2: don't really talk about death. 374 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,440 Speaker 3: Oh we really glossy. Yeah, I don't want to ask 375 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,879 Speaker 3: in other people's discomfort. We're very the Western world. I 376 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 3: think we're very focused. 377 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,800 Speaker 4: On comfort and yeah, comfortable, and I think we're almost 378 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:12,240 Speaker 4: at a point where we feel entitled to be comfortable 379 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:15,200 Speaker 4: and to remove anything from our lives that feels uncomfortable. 380 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,000 Speaker 3: And I think then. 381 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,120 Speaker 4: Maybe sometimes in life when they're extremely uncomfortable happens. 382 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,160 Speaker 3: We don't have the tools at. 383 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:25,040 Speaker 4: All on board for it because we have been sheltering 384 00:18:25,119 --> 00:18:30,760 Speaker 4: ourselves and constantly living in comfort. And then you're faced 385 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,680 Speaker 4: with something that you don't have any idea how to navigate. 386 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,240 Speaker 4: And that's yeah, and that's enough. 387 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,440 Speaker 3: But learning experience in. 388 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:45,000 Speaker 2: Itself, how did you find the years after that? It 389 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,400 Speaker 2: was again that sort of fight or flight survival mode 390 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:49,439 Speaker 2: for a very long time. 391 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:51,800 Speaker 3: Here's the thing with grief. 392 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:55,040 Speaker 4: Everyone's around you for that period, and then everyone is 393 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:59,719 Speaker 4: just gone. And I'm every night at home with my baby, 394 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:02,560 Speaker 4: the couch gone, There's no one. 395 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:02,840 Speaker 3: To talk to. 396 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,520 Speaker 4: It's silent, and it's very stark. 397 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:09,320 Speaker 3: And I was in shock. I now understand it. 398 00:19:09,359 --> 00:19:12,200 Speaker 4: Shocked for five months, I want to say, like actual shock, 399 00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:14,960 Speaker 4: unable to really. But I still keep going. I still 400 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:18,720 Speaker 4: keep running the business, keep the business alive, keep. 401 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,199 Speaker 1: That join the business. 402 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,840 Speaker 3: My child will not lose anymore. I will not lose 403 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:30,320 Speaker 3: my house. I will not. So I'm like so fixated. 404 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:34,040 Speaker 4: On providing, making sure she doesn't lose anything else, the secondary, 405 00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:37,720 Speaker 4: minimizing the secondary losses for her, all of these things. 406 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,639 Speaker 2: Yeah, and so has that been tensified that needing to 407 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,959 Speaker 2: control what you can control since the past thing has 408 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 2: it always been a big part of you? 409 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,080 Speaker 4: Nah? I think it was probably a part of me, 410 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,000 Speaker 4: which probably makes me good at my job and good 411 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,320 Speaker 4: at you know, like there's a need for it. 412 00:19:51,359 --> 00:19:52,440 Speaker 3: But you did. 413 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:55,720 Speaker 4: You clutch at the things you can control to provide 414 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:58,400 Speaker 4: you with less of a sense of helplessness. 415 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:00,679 Speaker 3: I guess the mind no what's happened. 416 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,640 Speaker 4: The body or the soul takes a very long time 417 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,239 Speaker 4: to accept what's happened. And I'm sure you understand what 418 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,720 Speaker 4: I mean by that, but you don't know. There's not 419 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:12,000 Speaker 4: a soul acceptance. And my soul didn't accept it for 420 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,119 Speaker 4: a very long time. 421 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:15,080 Speaker 3: Yeah. 422 00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:18,320 Speaker 4: And then after that period, the fog begins to retreat, 423 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,159 Speaker 4: and I actually think then the hard bit kicks. 424 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:24,680 Speaker 1: In because it's been sheltered by this numbness. 425 00:20:24,359 --> 00:20:27,560 Speaker 4: Shock and the fog numbs you out, keeps you going, 426 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,560 Speaker 4: and then it's the fog retreats. You're then left with 427 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,480 Speaker 4: the aftermath. And that that was much harder for me. 428 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,240 Speaker 4: I don't want to speak on behalf of anyone else, 429 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:37,640 Speaker 4: but that was much harder for me. So from about 430 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,600 Speaker 4: the six month mark until the two and a half 431 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:40,120 Speaker 4: year mark. 432 00:20:41,359 --> 00:20:44,840 Speaker 3: It was life was very challenging, very challenging, you know 433 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:45,400 Speaker 3: what I mean. 434 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,520 Speaker 4: And that was about two and a half years when 435 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,800 Speaker 4: I think I saw the light at the end of 436 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,120 Speaker 4: the tunnel. And then there's an entirely new thing because 437 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:53,560 Speaker 4: you get to the end of the tunnel and actually 438 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,360 Speaker 4: you just sit there for a long time in the car. 439 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,359 Speaker 3: I don't even know what to do now, what even 440 00:20:59,520 --> 00:20:59,720 Speaker 3: is this? 441 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,639 Speaker 4: And then also you go through Am I allowed to 442 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:07,000 Speaker 4: continue with life? Am I allowed to find happiness? Am 443 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,600 Speaker 4: I allowed to be happy? Am I allowed to to 444 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:12,840 Speaker 4: give yourself all over again? To step back into life? Permission? 445 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:17,280 Speaker 4: I've got this amazing vision board in my bathroom and 446 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,200 Speaker 4: I was looking at I look at these munchras like 447 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:20,600 Speaker 4: every morning, and one of them is. 448 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,679 Speaker 3: I give myself permission to be happy. 449 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:27,440 Speaker 4: Because I almost think that Hollywood has glamorized this. Oh 450 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,600 Speaker 4: this widow, this was her love of her life. She 451 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:34,119 Speaker 4: will never love again, and they've glamorized this. 452 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,160 Speaker 3: And I'm like, you know what. 453 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,280 Speaker 4: One of the things I've had to meet peace Worth 454 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,400 Speaker 4: is I had this incredible deep love and I am 455 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,399 Speaker 4: so grateful for it. But I am not going to 456 00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:48,800 Speaker 4: martyr myself for the rest of my life. And I 457 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,919 Speaker 4: think some people think you should. I think some people 458 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,920 Speaker 4: think you shouldn't, Like you'll never please everyone on this journey. 459 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,720 Speaker 4: But I will not martyr myself. I will not take 460 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,960 Speaker 4: the ability away from Sage to have an incredible father 461 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,399 Speaker 4: figure in her life. She deserves that, And that was 462 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,840 Speaker 4: one of my key motivators for moving forward and forcing 463 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,640 Speaker 4: myself to date again and to do these things as 464 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:14,679 Speaker 4: my daughter deserves an incredible father figure in her life. 465 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,879 Speaker 2: You know how like, especially when everything happened, you're like, 466 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,399 Speaker 2: keep Kurt alive, keep Stage alive. 467 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:20,960 Speaker 1: And you were at the bottom of the pile. 468 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 2: Have you found that you have managed to bring yourself 469 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:27,320 Speaker 2: up and prioritize yourself through this journey. 470 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:31,240 Speaker 3: It's a tough question. Of all the. 471 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:32,640 Speaker 1: Questions, I got it. 472 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:37,480 Speaker 4: Hey, look I have learned or I am still learning, 473 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:44,919 Speaker 4: that I deserve peace, that I deserve to be loved. 474 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,760 Speaker 4: So when you play caregiver for so long and for 475 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,119 Speaker 4: a long time, and I had to do a lot 476 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,760 Speaker 4: of work, I felt like I'd failed Kurt, I failed 477 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,879 Speaker 4: to save him. I took that real hard. Failure for 478 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,680 Speaker 4: me was very hard than to accept. So I went 479 00:22:58,720 --> 00:22:59,440 Speaker 4: about trying to. 480 00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:02,960 Speaker 3: Save other people but not yourself, but not myself. 481 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,560 Speaker 4: If I couldn't save Kurt, if I can only save you, 482 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,560 Speaker 4: that will help. And I'm trying to fill this void 483 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,720 Speaker 4: of saving everyone else that I can see as thinking. 484 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,679 Speaker 3: Again, not a good idea, But. 485 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:19,200 Speaker 4: Grief is such a huge experience that you when you're 486 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:22,240 Speaker 4: in pain, you know which won't be magnets. 487 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,480 Speaker 3: When you are being an immense. 488 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:28,959 Speaker 4: Pain, you will naturally gravitate or attract beings that are 489 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,280 Speaker 4: also an immense pain. 490 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,560 Speaker 1: So I found there along the way. 491 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,879 Speaker 4: Oh yeah, oh yeah, And I probably made things a 492 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,720 Speaker 4: lot harder for myself, but it was all part everyone's 493 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,800 Speaker 4: our mirror was all part of So every time someone 494 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,639 Speaker 4: would come into my life who needed saving or I 495 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,879 Speaker 4: would feel this thing. If I look back now, it 496 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:52,600 Speaker 4: shows my healing journey because we're attracting what we are 497 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:56,120 Speaker 4: at the time, so it shows it's like a yes, 498 00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:58,560 Speaker 4: it shows how I navigated my healing journey. 499 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:00,960 Speaker 2: So when you came out of where at two and 500 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:02,560 Speaker 2: a half years of hell, were you at a place 501 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,320 Speaker 2: where you could start implementing routines that could make you 502 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,360 Speaker 2: feel better? Like did you start realizing there were rituals 503 00:24:08,359 --> 00:24:10,320 Speaker 2: that were beneficial for you that you had to do. 504 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,080 Speaker 4: It was routine that got me through the first two 505 00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:15,199 Speaker 4: and a half years. So I went to the gym 506 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:18,639 Speaker 4: every single day. I went back and found something that 507 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:21,840 Speaker 4: was just for me, and then one hour every day 508 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:24,560 Speaker 4: there was this place that was just for me where 509 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:30,320 Speaker 4: I could actually transmute my pain into something that was beneficial. 510 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:34,400 Speaker 4: So training became an outlet for my pain and suffering. 511 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,560 Speaker 4: I would walk into that gym, I would put my 512 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,800 Speaker 4: headphones on. I think sometimes I would have a cap 513 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,040 Speaker 4: on because I didn't want anyone to see me. I 514 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,120 Speaker 4: didn't want anyone to talk to me. I just wanted 515 00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:45,960 Speaker 4: to fade into the background and do my thing. 516 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:46,800 Speaker 3: And man, I. 517 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,680 Speaker 4: Trained hard because I had so much pain to training out, 518 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,560 Speaker 4: but that was my thing. After a while, I managed 519 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:55,159 Speaker 4: to decide. I maned to be strong enough to go 520 00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:57,639 Speaker 4: to the headresser and get my hair done, and I 521 00:24:57,680 --> 00:24:59,640 Speaker 4: almost cried at the basin because it was the first 522 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:03,400 Speaker 4: time someone had touched me for months. There's a thing, 523 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,400 Speaker 4: and I wrote about it. It's called skin hunger and 524 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:07,560 Speaker 4: sounds really sucy. 525 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,600 Speaker 3: It's not. It's like you go. 526 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:13,800 Speaker 4: Through this thing where no one has touched you for 527 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,840 Speaker 4: so long, and then someone was actually I remember it now, 528 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,119 Speaker 4: someone was actually caring for me and giving me a 529 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,000 Speaker 4: head message at the basin, and I pretty much just 530 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:28,160 Speaker 4: lost it because no one kid for me, no one 531 00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:32,080 Speaker 4: had shown me anything like I. It was the keygiver 532 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,560 Speaker 4: I And so it was this real moment where I 533 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:35,920 Speaker 4: was like, oh, okay. 534 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:36,680 Speaker 3: So I actually started. 535 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,439 Speaker 4: And it sounds a bit frivolous, but I started getting 536 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:40,840 Speaker 4: my hair done once a week. 537 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,240 Speaker 1: It doesn't sound riverless at all. 538 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,480 Speaker 3: It was this one thing that made me feel good. 539 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:50,240 Speaker 2: It's interesting my husband's grandmother does that every Friday. 540 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:52,440 Speaker 1: She goes to the hairdresser and gets her hair done. 541 00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:53,040 Speaker 1: And I don't know if. 542 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,600 Speaker 2: That's a generational thing, but I get it. I get 543 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,040 Speaker 2: it like being and mum, you just carve out that 544 00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:01,399 Speaker 2: time actually in your situation. 545 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:04,720 Speaker 4: It might seem crazy. No, it was such a gift. 546 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:06,840 Speaker 4: It was such a gift. And I still adore my 547 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:10,080 Speaker 4: hairdresser and I'm lucky. It's like around the road. 548 00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:10,600 Speaker 3: It's not far. 549 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,000 Speaker 1: She good at the head message. I hope she was 550 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:14,080 Speaker 1: good at head message. 551 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,919 Speaker 3: Well, I mean it, maybe cry. 552 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:18,879 Speaker 1: Hana. 553 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:22,119 Speaker 2: Look, I want this story to be obviously a story 554 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:25,919 Speaker 2: of hope as well, because you have recently had some 555 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:30,239 Speaker 2: really exciting news You've come back from BALI is that 556 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:31,080 Speaker 2: where it happened? 557 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:32,040 Speaker 3: It is. 558 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,679 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think I'd decided that I was done with 559 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,240 Speaker 4: trying to date, like again. But I think even as 560 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,280 Speaker 4: single women, we go through these things like I'm going 561 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:41,360 Speaker 4: to pop myself out there, I'm going to do it, 562 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,919 Speaker 4: and then actually, that's a terrible idea. I'm not going 563 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,040 Speaker 4: to do that, And so I would be torn between 564 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,359 Speaker 4: trying to date and thinking that was a massive failure. 565 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:49,760 Speaker 3: Oh my god, I don't want to do that again. 566 00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:52,959 Speaker 4: Ebenston repeat for a couple of years, and one of 567 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,280 Speaker 4: my best friends I've been really good friends with for 568 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:58,200 Speaker 4: sixteen years used to come to my spin classes back 569 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:01,800 Speaker 4: in my aforementioned it's been instructed, had been had come 570 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:03,680 Speaker 4: back into my life, and our girls had been having 571 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:07,800 Speaker 4: playdates and this sort of stuff. And yeah, we started 572 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:12,800 Speaker 4: eighteen a nineteen months ago and had looked for anyone 573 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,359 Speaker 4: that's gone through grief or going through grief, I'm not 574 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,680 Speaker 4: going to say that starting dating is this magical. 575 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:20,800 Speaker 3: I'm texted and I'm healed. It's really not. 576 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:24,720 Speaker 4: And actually it brought up a lot of stuff for 577 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:27,800 Speaker 4: me in the first year. There was abandonment wounds in there, 578 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:29,960 Speaker 4: understandably that. 579 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:31,040 Speaker 3: I didn't know. 580 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:34,680 Speaker 4: But it's like anyone that gets into a relationship, it's 581 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:36,879 Speaker 4: going to bring up the work that's yet to be done. 582 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:39,439 Speaker 3: And man, did it bring up some work. 583 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,520 Speaker 4: So last year I had we had a lot of 584 00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:45,960 Speaker 4: work to do, but we have been friends for so long, 585 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:48,640 Speaker 4: and we each had a lot of work to do, 586 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:53,280 Speaker 4: and we supported each other through that work together and 587 00:27:53,359 --> 00:27:56,760 Speaker 4: I am just so proud of us. And this year 588 00:27:56,840 --> 00:28:01,840 Speaker 4: has been great. And then we med Bali and my 589 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:06,840 Speaker 4: partner's name is Max and my fiance's name is Max. 590 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:08,440 Speaker 3: Sorry Maybe asked me. 591 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:12,679 Speaker 4: To marry him and Balley a couple of weeks ago, 592 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:17,240 Speaker 4: and I am just I'm excited to get an opportunity 593 00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:21,879 Speaker 4: at a second chance of forever. Is there is a 594 00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:24,680 Speaker 4: little bit where I feel a bit teary. I'm so grateful. 595 00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:27,879 Speaker 4: I'm so grateful that there's a man in stages life 596 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:30,800 Speaker 4: that wants to love her and be that father figure 597 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:32,880 Speaker 4: that she so desperately deserves. 598 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,080 Speaker 3: I've had to watch her work out that the other 599 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:37,920 Speaker 3: kids have dads and why doesn't she. 600 00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:40,760 Speaker 4: I've had to watch her make Father's Day cards and 601 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:43,240 Speaker 4: put them on top of We still have Kot's ashes 602 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:46,800 Speaker 4: in her bedroom and every Father's Day we light a 603 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:48,440 Speaker 4: candle and we put a card up there. 604 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:51,600 Speaker 3: And I've had to watch her. She even walking down the. 605 00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:54,880 Speaker 4: Road, she would say she would blow a dandelion and say, 606 00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:56,160 Speaker 4: I wish for a new daddy. 607 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:57,960 Speaker 3: Man's some this. 608 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:01,800 Speaker 5: Yeah, there's some stuff that you don't think of, right, 609 00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:08,680 Speaker 5: And so meeting someone and building a life and with 610 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:09,880 Speaker 5: them again is. 611 00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:10,520 Speaker 3: Such an honor. 612 00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:16,080 Speaker 4: And I have also shared that openly and what I 613 00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:20,120 Speaker 4: have been so not humbled by when I started sharing 614 00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:23,960 Speaker 4: on Instagram. I started sharing because when Kurk got sick, 615 00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:28,680 Speaker 4: I frantically tried to find other women who had been 616 00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,040 Speaker 4: through what I was going through who could give me 617 00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:36,600 Speaker 4: some sense of camaraderie an online community. And seven years ago, 618 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:38,320 Speaker 4: six and a half years ago, that was actually not 619 00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:40,920 Speaker 4: a lot. We still we didn't talk about grief that much. 620 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:42,719 Speaker 4: It was all a bit and people were like it 621 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:44,440 Speaker 4: was a good type that you know, social media it 622 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:44,800 Speaker 4: was all the. 623 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,640 Speaker 3: Highlight reels and no one. So I found a couple 624 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:48,400 Speaker 3: of women. 625 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:51,080 Speaker 4: That gave me a sense of camaraderie. And when I 626 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:56,040 Speaker 4: started sharing. I decided that I wanted to share and 627 00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,120 Speaker 4: create an account that was the kind of an account 628 00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:02,400 Speaker 4: that would have done sperately helped me one when Kurt 629 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:05,720 Speaker 4: got sick, but two when Kurt passed, and it would 630 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:09,040 Speaker 4: give me hope that I was going to get through this, 631 00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:12,360 Speaker 4: and that one day someone once said to me, just 632 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:15,480 Speaker 4: start living until you start to feel alive again. 633 00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:17,760 Speaker 3: And that was and. 634 00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:19,520 Speaker 4: I do not know who that was on my Instagram 635 00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:23,640 Speaker 4: that messaged me that, but your quote became. 636 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:26,080 Speaker 3: My mantra for years. 637 00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:30,360 Speaker 4: And you slowly start to see things in color again, 638 00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,640 Speaker 4: and you slowly come back to life again, and I 639 00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:39,280 Speaker 4: feel alive again. And so I have shared openly my 640 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:44,800 Speaker 4: journey with finding love again and the challenges that's brought 641 00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:47,880 Speaker 4: up for me and how we've navigated them. And I 642 00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:53,120 Speaker 4: got so many amazing messages when I announced our engagement, 643 00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:56,800 Speaker 4: and they were all special, but some of the most special, 644 00:30:56,880 --> 00:30:59,160 Speaker 4: and the ones that meet the most to me again 645 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:02,600 Speaker 4: I get a bit teary, were from widows and they 646 00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:05,240 Speaker 4: were the ones that said, you give me so much 647 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:08,440 Speaker 4: hope that one day I will find love again. 648 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:09,640 Speaker 1: Wow. 649 00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:11,720 Speaker 2: I was going to say, what bit of advice would 650 00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:14,080 Speaker 2: you have for someone really going through it right now, 651 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:16,480 Speaker 2: whether it was similar to your situation or someone that 652 00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:18,240 Speaker 2: just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. 653 00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:21,480 Speaker 2: Is it simply just keep living until you feel alive, 654 00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:23,800 Speaker 2: or do you have any other nuggets that have really 655 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:25,480 Speaker 2: helped you along the way if you're. 656 00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:26,400 Speaker 3: Right in the thick of it. 657 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,800 Speaker 4: I think that's a pretty decent one, to be honest, 658 00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:32,520 Speaker 4: because when you're in that space, there's no color. Life 659 00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:34,600 Speaker 4: is in some even black and white. I think that's 660 00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:37,360 Speaker 4: too contrasting. It's just shades of gray. So what I 661 00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:40,320 Speaker 4: started to do was and this is term now called glimmers, 662 00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:42,480 Speaker 4: which was not a thing way back when I was 663 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:43,880 Speaker 4: going through the thick of it. 664 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:47,360 Speaker 3: But what I started to do was to find to like. 665 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:52,880 Speaker 4: Create moments of pure joy and connectedness in my day 666 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:53,800 Speaker 4: throughout the day. 667 00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:57,240 Speaker 3: And that started from when I wake up, I. 668 00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:59,400 Speaker 4: Like in sense and I click in my mind, I 669 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:01,880 Speaker 4: say a little black which I didn't realize I did, 670 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:04,160 Speaker 4: but I do. I light this incense and I basically 671 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:07,360 Speaker 4: say something around blessed this house, and but like I. 672 00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:08,800 Speaker 3: Do, and then I light the incense. 673 00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:11,720 Speaker 4: And I made a thing of watching the sunrise every 674 00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:14,760 Speaker 4: single morning because that's when I felt closest to Kurt. 675 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:20,560 Speaker 4: I drink espresso, and I would make that a real ritual, 676 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:25,320 Speaker 4: like I would rarely taste my espresso. I would make 677 00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:27,960 Speaker 4: more cups of tea, hot tea. It became very simple 678 00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:30,040 Speaker 4: stuff because I couldn't get out. Once my child's in 679 00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:32,280 Speaker 4: bed and she's still in I can't get out and 680 00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:35,880 Speaker 4: do things. So I became really good at lighting candles, 681 00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:42,000 Speaker 4: lighting incense, drinking espresso, really tasting what I was doing 682 00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:46,120 Speaker 4: and being so immersed and present, and I started to 683 00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:50,640 Speaker 4: find so much joy in those things. So it felt 684 00:32:50,680 --> 00:32:54,680 Speaker 4: like life. I was creating life that felt like art. 685 00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:57,680 Speaker 1: I love I love that. 686 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:02,320 Speaker 2: I think back to pre kid life, and like when 687 00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:05,040 Speaker 2: we had the time and the disposable and kind of 688 00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:07,920 Speaker 2: just go to spas and treatments and all that stuff. 689 00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:09,640 Speaker 2: And that used to be the kind of self care 690 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:13,080 Speaker 2: in your mind right, But actually the best kind of 691 00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:15,440 Speaker 2: self care is the self care that you can implement 692 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:18,320 Speaker 2: on a daily basis and it doesn't need to cost much. 693 00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:22,320 Speaker 2: Do you have a little hack on shortcutting to that mindset? 694 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:25,400 Speaker 4: I think it's all breath and I don't want to 695 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,840 Speaker 4: get all like preachy and whatever, but I think if 696 00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,880 Speaker 4: I think to what I do in order to ground myself, 697 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:32,640 Speaker 4: because it's all about getting back in your body, right, 698 00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:34,800 Speaker 4: so I think I actually just take a breath. I 699 00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:37,239 Speaker 4: also need to take quite a bit as well as 700 00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:40,040 Speaker 4: the art form thing. Side note, but just in case 701 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:42,240 Speaker 4: anyone wants to get into that, I really think it's 702 00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:42,840 Speaker 4: very helpful. 703 00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:44,360 Speaker 3: And saying that I couldn't do it for the first 704 00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:46,120 Speaker 3: year at all. There was no way I wanted to 705 00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:47,120 Speaker 3: connect with my body. 706 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,240 Speaker 4: I had a feeling that if I created and felt, 707 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:51,240 Speaker 4: if I felt into my heart, it just might kill me. 708 00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:52,080 Speaker 3: So I couldn't. 709 00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:54,560 Speaker 4: But I learned to get back into my meditation, and 710 00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:56,840 Speaker 4: it's incredible. I think it's amazing how much we slow 711 00:33:56,920 --> 00:34:00,120 Speaker 4: down and remind ourselves that we're a soul and a body. 712 00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:02,920 Speaker 4: And I think, and I know it's probably not the 713 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,960 Speaker 4: extravagant answer you're looking for if you take a breath 714 00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:09,480 Speaker 4: before you light your candle or before you get into 715 00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:11,720 Speaker 4: your bath or run your bath, even because you could. 716 00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:12,719 Speaker 3: Start your ritual there. 717 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:18,759 Speaker 4: I think creating rituals in our lives connects us. 718 00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:19,800 Speaker 3: And adds romance. 719 00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:22,000 Speaker 4: And I don't mean with someone else, I mean the 720 00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:24,520 Speaker 4: romance back into life with ourselves. 721 00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:26,520 Speaker 3: And I think that's. 722 00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:29,200 Speaker 4: The thing that helped me reconnect with my body and 723 00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:34,719 Speaker 4: reconnect to myself and actually reconnect with because for a while, 724 00:34:34,719 --> 00:34:37,680 Speaker 4: again when you're in survival mode, you're not connected, but 725 00:34:37,719 --> 00:34:38,239 Speaker 4: there's no one. 726 00:34:38,239 --> 00:34:40,240 Speaker 3: I don't mean pleasure, and again the sourcy sense. 727 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:44,239 Speaker 4: I mean pleasure in creating a pleasurable life where you 728 00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:45,799 Speaker 4: do taste your. 729 00:34:45,719 --> 00:34:48,920 Speaker 3: Wine when you slip sip it, you taste your coffee. 730 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:53,720 Speaker 4: Everything becomes a present, when your presence there's. 731 00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:54,319 Speaker 3: An art to it. 732 00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:56,480 Speaker 2: It's like there's been shame with pleasure, right, And you're right, 733 00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:58,760 Speaker 2: people think pleasure. 734 00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:01,080 Speaker 1: And you don't need that. You need it is to 735 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,880 Speaker 1: fully enjoy life, even. 736 00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:06,960 Speaker 4: If do you know what new pair of silp pajamas 737 00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:10,920 Speaker 4: stop experience? And now social media calls it glimmers, and 738 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:13,359 Speaker 4: I get it, and then it goes out into lots 739 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:13,959 Speaker 4: of other things. 740 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:14,759 Speaker 3: But I think the. 741 00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:16,839 Speaker 4: More in life that we can create our own little 742 00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:20,120 Speaker 4: microglimmers without the need for anyone else or the need 743 00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:22,400 Speaker 4: to leave home or they need to whatever, the more 744 00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:25,640 Speaker 4: we actually start having larger glimmers in life, because again 745 00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:29,080 Speaker 4: I think it's that what we are, What was it like? 746 00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:31,480 Speaker 4: What we attract what we are, we attract more of 747 00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:33,919 Speaker 4: what we're doing. So I think it's a great place 748 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:37,280 Speaker 4: to start is creating those little micro glimmers through living 749 00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:39,920 Speaker 4: life to create life like an art. 750 00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:40,319 Speaker 3: Right. 751 00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,719 Speaker 2: That is such a beautiful note to wrap this chat up. 752 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:45,880 Speaker 2: And I'm just so grateful for you coming on, Janelle, 753 00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:49,399 Speaker 2: because mate, you've just absolutely been through it, but you're 754 00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:54,879 Speaker 2: a true example of resilience and you show that there 755 00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:57,120 Speaker 2: is hope and life at the end of the tunnel. 756 00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:00,120 Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that it's all fairies and unicorns. I 757 00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:02,880 Speaker 2: know that you're still probably going through it in ways, 758 00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:04,919 Speaker 2: but I think you would have helped so many people 759 00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:07,120 Speaker 2: today by sharing your story. So thank you so much 760 00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:07,759 Speaker 2: for coming on. 761 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:09,719 Speaker 3: I thank you so much. PJ. 762 00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:16,480 Speaker 2: Well, that was my episode with Janelle Brundon Riddy and 763 00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:20,680 Speaker 2: I told you, I told you. It was such a 764 00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:25,959 Speaker 2: moving chat, put so much in perspective, and it really 765 00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:30,399 Speaker 2: goes to show grief is not linear and everyone experiences 766 00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:33,680 Speaker 2: it differently. But for Janelle, she was in just like 767 00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:36,400 Speaker 2: obviously that fight or flight mode for quite a while 768 00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:39,600 Speaker 2: where she was just surviving day to day and then 769 00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:41,759 Speaker 2: after about two and a half years, you know, it 770 00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:45,120 Speaker 2: felt like there was some light into the tunnel, But 771 00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:48,600 Speaker 2: then how to navigate that? You know, is there a 772 00:36:48,719 --> 00:36:52,160 Speaker 2: life without Kurt? And hard is that look? But so 773 00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:57,480 Speaker 2: amazing that she has been so open about her experience 774 00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:00,919 Speaker 2: with grief. I think it's a topic that, as I said, 775 00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:05,600 Speaker 2: and Western culture is not so openly spoken about, and 776 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:11,480 Speaker 2: there's still so much shame around talking about some aspects 777 00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:13,799 Speaker 2: of grieving and what's right and what's wrong. The thing 778 00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:16,759 Speaker 2: is is nothing wrong. There is no right or wrong 779 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:21,560 Speaker 2: way to grieve. And I just, man, I just have 780 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:25,400 Speaker 2: so much admiration for Janelle, and there's so amazing that 781 00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:29,280 Speaker 2: she has found happiness again and that she has found 782 00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:34,000 Speaker 2: love and she's engaged. I just can't even imagine having 783 00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:38,640 Speaker 2: to run your own company during all of that, through 784 00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:42,200 Speaker 2: the diagnosis, through the passing of your husband, You've got 785 00:37:42,239 --> 00:37:46,200 Speaker 2: a one year old, you are trying to navigate everything 786 00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:50,920 Speaker 2: on your own. Honestly, it was such an incredible chat, 787 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:53,760 Speaker 2: and I loved hearing about just coming back to the breath. 788 00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:55,839 Speaker 2: You know, we always talk about the simple rituals that 789 00:37:55,880 --> 00:38:01,200 Speaker 2: bring you back breath and enjoying those luxurious, simple pleasures 790 00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:04,320 Speaker 2: day to day, whether it's you know, a beautiful a 791 00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:07,520 Speaker 2: beautiful wash in your shower, a nice little body wash 792 00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:09,840 Speaker 2: or soap or something that you put in your bath. 793 00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:12,239 Speaker 1: Just infusing your day with. 794 00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:14,440 Speaker 2: Things that you know that will bring a little bit 795 00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:17,600 Speaker 2: of bliss is a really good hack which I loved 796 00:38:17,760 --> 00:38:18,600 Speaker 2: from Janelle's chair. 797 00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:19,960 Speaker 1: I would love to know what you got out of it. 798 00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:23,239 Speaker 2: You can always message me on Instagram. It's embarrassing saying 799 00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:24,160 Speaker 2: my little handle. 800 00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:25,400 Speaker 1: It's pj DJ. 801 00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:28,280 Speaker 2: And if you go check out my page dot forget, 802 00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:31,080 Speaker 2: I've got an incredible Slow it Down bundle to give away. 803 00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:33,719 Speaker 1: I'm going to be announcing the winner come. 804 00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:39,080 Speaker 2: Tuesday, so go enter and yeah, it's a really epic 805 00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:41,680 Speaker 2: prize pack. Thank you so much for joining me for 806 00:38:41,719 --> 00:38:43,439 Speaker 2: another episode of Slow It Down.