WEBVTT - Kathryn Berkett: Students need schools 0:00:05.761 --> 0:00:09.441 You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks. 0:00:09.441 --> 0:00:13.601 I'd be good afternoon. Welcome back into the week in Collective. 0:00:13.601 --> 0:00:16.601 Tyler Adams fillnon for Tim Beverage. He is banked tomorrow 0:00:16.641 --> 0:00:19.561 and it is time for the parents Squad. Catherine Burkett 0:00:19.761 --> 0:00:23.801 is a neuroscience trainer at Engaged Training and she joins us. Now. 0:00:23.881 --> 0:00:27.041 Hi are you Katherine? Hi? Really good to chat and 0:00:27.121 --> 0:00:27.761 nice to meet you. 0:00:28.361 --> 0:00:28.761 Thank you. 0:00:29.801 --> 0:00:31.201 How's your weekend gone so far? 0:00:32.441 --> 0:00:33.041 Ah? 0:00:33.081 --> 0:00:34.081 Well, today was a good one. 0:00:34.161 --> 0:00:36.601 I flew to Blenheim and back from Wellington, so if 0:00:36.601 --> 0:00:38.201 anybody's seen the wind out there. 0:00:40.361 --> 0:00:41.841 Was a good good day for flying. 0:00:42.241 --> 0:00:44.561 Oh, bed, I bet so what was happening in Blenham? 0:00:45.041 --> 0:00:46.841 I had a conference down there, so went down. 0:00:46.921 --> 0:00:49.441 Yeah, very good. Lovely part of the country there isn't 0:00:49.441 --> 0:00:52.361 it isn't it? Did you bring home some wine? 0:00:53.401 --> 0:00:55.441 I actually was gifted some fine so yes I did, 0:00:55.481 --> 0:00:57.441 and which. 0:00:56.961 --> 0:01:01.041 Is pretty lucky, fantastic. If you've got a question for Catherine, 0:01:01.081 --> 0:01:03.761 or indeed a bit of advice for our audience, I'd 0:01:03.801 --> 0:01:05.601 love to hear from you. We'd love to hear from you. Oh, 0:01:05.641 --> 0:01:07.721 eight one hundred and eighty teen eighty is the number 0:01:07.761 --> 0:01:10.081 to call. You can also tech through to nine two 0:01:10.201 --> 0:01:12.681 ninety two and if you want to email, you're more 0:01:12.721 --> 0:01:16.681 than welcome Tyler at news talk zeb dot co dot Nz. Catherine, 0:01:16.721 --> 0:01:19.641 let's start a big story this week about Hagley College 0:01:20.201 --> 0:01:24.761 is offering twenty NCEEA Level two students two days of 0:01:24.881 --> 0:01:29.081 online learning a week. And I do know that there 0:01:29.121 --> 0:01:31.401 are several high schools colleges around New Zealand that are 0:01:31.401 --> 0:01:33.681 starting to look at that model as well, to allow 0:01:33.921 --> 0:01:35.921 some of the senior students a couple of days a 0:01:35.921 --> 0:01:39.321 week to have what they call learning from home, which 0:01:39.561 --> 0:01:42.961 was effectively work from home for adults. Ryan, do you 0:01:43.041 --> 0:01:45.641 see any risks with that approach from some of these 0:01:45.681 --> 0:01:50.281 institutions and colleges or can that be an effective way 0:01:51.001 --> 0:01:54.761 to teach these older children about self management? 0:01:55.961 --> 0:01:57.041 Yeah, And it's like. 0:01:57.081 --> 0:01:59.761 With all things when we're talking about human beings, we 0:01:59.881 --> 0:02:02.201 cannot put us all into one box, even if we're 0:02:02.201 --> 0:02:02.721 the same. 0:02:02.561 --> 0:02:03.721 Age or so. 0:02:04.201 --> 0:02:07.481 And in the article that was quite interesting because they 0:02:07.481 --> 0:02:10.881 said they were trying to cater towards neurodiverse students, but 0:02:10.921 --> 0:02:13.201 actually one of the students was saying that she wants 0:02:13.241 --> 0:02:14.641 to get a part time job so it was going 0:02:14.681 --> 0:02:16.961 to work for her. So she's obviously a very motivated 0:02:17.001 --> 0:02:20.761 young lady and I would guess something like that's going to. 0:02:20.681 --> 0:02:21.201 Work for her. 0:02:21.481 --> 0:02:24.401 But if you have got someone who is finding work 0:02:24.441 --> 0:02:28.441 difficult and that's why they're not doing it, then allowing 0:02:28.481 --> 0:02:31.281 them to work from home is probably not the best option. 0:02:31.361 --> 0:02:34.521 But again, Hagley College themselves have said they're putting in 0:02:34.561 --> 0:02:38.481 lots and lots of thought processes around that and stop gaps. 0:02:38.521 --> 0:02:40.641 But you do need to be careful. 0:02:40.841 --> 0:02:44.841 We're very relational creatures and our brain responds much better 0:02:45.401 --> 0:02:49.761 to humans rather than computers, so it is hard to 0:02:49.801 --> 0:02:54.321 get motivated to do work without humans around to an extent. 0:02:54.521 --> 0:02:58.761 So I would see some risks absolutely, but again it 0:02:58.801 --> 0:02:59.961 would depend on the individual. 0:03:00.601 --> 0:03:02.721 Yeah, I mean on the attendance side of things. And 0:03:03.441 --> 0:03:07.161 just from a neuroscience point of view, you a child's brain, 0:03:07.401 --> 0:03:11.241 is it somewhat more problematic for children while their brain 0:03:11.321 --> 0:03:14.881 is still developing to be able to manage that workload themselves, 0:03:14.961 --> 0:03:18.281 as you say, to distance themselves from distractions. And we 0:03:18.361 --> 0:03:20.641 all get distracted. It's a distracting world at the moment, 0:03:20.721 --> 0:03:23.441 no doubt about it. But at that stage of brain development, 0:03:23.641 --> 0:03:25.041 is there more risk in them. 0:03:25.761 --> 0:03:29.321 Yeah, unless you've got someone like someone an adult who's 0:03:29.361 --> 0:03:32.161 able to sort of keep that motivation going. And you know, 0:03:32.201 --> 0:03:34.441 and again some kids are just incredibly able to do 0:03:34.521 --> 0:03:37.201 that for themselves. But and in generalized sense, our brain 0:03:37.321 --> 0:03:42.121 can't really think forward properly until about fifteen sixteen years old, 0:03:42.521 --> 0:03:44.241 So it's very hard for us to go, you know what, 0:03:44.321 --> 0:03:47.881 if I get this assignment finished, then three weeks time, 0:03:48.081 --> 0:03:50.561 I won't have to do so much work, or in 0:03:50.641 --> 0:03:53.401 ten years I'll have a good job. So that's not 0:03:53.481 --> 0:03:55.481 really the capacity of the brain until we're sort of 0:03:55.481 --> 0:03:58.321 fifteen sixteen. So, like I said, some kids will just 0:03:58.401 --> 0:04:01.401 do it naturally, but for us, we go, Okay, I've 0:04:01.401 --> 0:04:04.041 got to get this stuff done because my pay's got 0:04:04.041 --> 0:04:06.201 to come in. It is hard for a child's brain 0:04:06.281 --> 0:04:07.761 to do that. Yeah, absolutely. 0:04:08.761 --> 0:04:11.681 And what about for the parents if your child is 0:04:11.721 --> 0:04:14.201 at home for another couple of days a week and 0:04:14.281 --> 0:04:16.561 they are meant to be you know, doing school work 0:04:16.601 --> 0:04:18.521 and learning, I mean, that's got to be hard for 0:04:18.601 --> 0:04:21.881 parents to manage, right. Are there any tricks to you know, 0:04:22.001 --> 0:04:24.601 not bombard them or micro manage them and say, hey, 0:04:24.641 --> 0:04:26.441 make sure you're doing your book work here. You meant 0:04:26.441 --> 0:04:28.561 to be working, not, you know, lounging around at home. 0:04:28.641 --> 0:04:30.681 Is there any tips and tricks for parents if they're 0:04:30.721 --> 0:04:31.361 in that situation? 0:04:32.401 --> 0:04:32.601 Yeah? 0:04:32.601 --> 0:04:36.241 And I guess, you know, we all sort of experienced 0:04:36.241 --> 0:04:38.681 a bit of that of working from home during COVID, 0:04:38.721 --> 0:04:40.841 And I know I learned a really big lesson with 0:04:40.881 --> 0:04:43.961 my son. He was sixteen at the time, and he 0:04:44.241 --> 0:04:46.161 had to get some work done and I looked in 0:04:46.201 --> 0:04:47.761 and he had his phone next to him, he had 0:04:47.801 --> 0:04:50.561 the TV going, and he had the radiot or something, 0:04:50.641 --> 0:04:53.441 and I was like, oh, And I instantly wanted to say, 0:04:53.841 --> 0:04:56.121 turn all that off and get your work done. But 0:04:56.241 --> 0:04:57.681 what I said to him is, can I have a 0:04:57.681 --> 0:05:00.161 look at what you've done so far? And what is 0:05:00.201 --> 0:05:03.281 your goal for today? And he had a quite clear goal, 0:05:03.321 --> 0:05:05.881 and I said, if you can get that done, then 0:05:05.921 --> 0:05:08.241 you can study like this. If you can't get it done, 0:05:08.961 --> 0:05:11.481 then this is not okay. And he got it done beautifully. 0:05:11.521 --> 0:05:13.681 And I think we have to be really careful of 0:05:13.761 --> 0:05:17.401 assuming our kids learn like we do. So I urge 0:05:17.441 --> 0:05:22.401 parents to give them a chance to prove it. If 0:05:22.441 --> 0:05:24.521 they can't, then you sort of take some control. 0:05:24.561 --> 0:05:25.281 But some of our. 0:05:25.241 --> 0:05:28.681 Kids do really well with lots of distractions going on. 0:05:28.761 --> 0:05:32.681 Now, yeah, absolutely, Now, if you've got a question for Catherine, Oh, 0:05:32.721 --> 0:05:35.201 eight hundred eighty ten eighty is the number to call. 0:05:35.241 --> 0:05:38.041 All you can teach through on nine two nine two. 0:05:38.401 --> 0:05:41.481 A doozy of a question has come through Catherine, and 0:05:41.521 --> 0:05:43.841 they haven't they haven't put their name, but this is 0:05:43.841 --> 0:05:46.921 a great question. Since Hi, guys, I was hanging out 0:05:46.921 --> 0:05:48.801 with my group of friends today with my son. I'm 0:05:48.881 --> 0:05:51.401 late twenties and first one in the group with a baby, 0:05:51.641 --> 0:05:54.881 and on multiple occasions people turned and shushed my baby 0:05:54.881 --> 0:05:57.641 with their finger on their mouth because he was babbling 0:05:57.841 --> 0:06:01.041 or growling like a baby normally. Does it bothered me? 0:06:01.521 --> 0:06:03.881 Is that weird? Because well, he's a baby and he 0:06:03.921 --> 0:06:07.881 doesn't know any better, even at an age whereas noise 0:06:08.081 --> 0:06:12.401 level is correctable. Advice please, but that felt rude? Or 0:06:12.921 --> 0:06:15.681 should I be doing something to make my baby a 0:06:15.721 --> 0:06:17.321 little bit quieter in public settings? 0:06:19.561 --> 0:06:20.001 Correcky? 0:06:20.081 --> 0:06:22.761 I don't even get any and. 0:06:22.761 --> 0:06:24.281 I'm an adult and I don't have an off switch. 0:06:25.521 --> 0:06:29.361 Our babies are responding absolutely to the feelings inside themselves 0:06:29.361 --> 0:06:32.321 and wanting to get a response from the environment, and 0:06:32.361 --> 0:06:35.041 the biggest thing at this baby's age is working out 0:06:35.041 --> 0:06:37.681 whether the world is safe. We know, trust versus mistrust, 0:06:37.761 --> 0:06:41.081 safety attachment theories. It's the most important thing at the moment. 0:06:41.801 --> 0:06:43.761 And what that little baby is doing is sending a 0:06:43.761 --> 0:06:46.281 message to the environment and seeing if they're going to 0:06:46.321 --> 0:06:50.601 get a positive response to show them that they're safe 0:06:50.601 --> 0:06:53.641 and that they're accepted. So what I'm getting from the 0:06:53.681 --> 0:06:56.521 responses of the other people is not what baby needs. 0:06:56.921 --> 0:06:59.601 Baby is babbling, is checking out their voice, wanting hear 0:06:59.681 --> 0:07:02.401 things and wanting to get a similar response, which would 0:07:02.441 --> 0:07:05.201 be a similar babbel. You know, we go and then 0:07:05.241 --> 0:07:05.801 baby gets it. 0:07:05.921 --> 0:07:06.441 We get it. 0:07:07.081 --> 0:07:09.001 That's what we want to do, and teach them how 0:07:09.001 --> 0:07:12.041 to have a conversation going back and forth, even if 0:07:12.241 --> 0:07:15.801 with sounds. So the parent is one hundred percent right, 0:07:15.881 --> 0:07:18.641 we need to allow baby to do that. 0:07:18.721 --> 0:07:19.561 And they have no. 0:07:21.681 --> 0:07:25.161 Cortex to be able to control behavior. So what we 0:07:25.241 --> 0:07:28.961 would be doing is scaring them almost into not responding, 0:07:29.481 --> 0:07:32.401 not teaching them to be quiet, if that makes sense. 0:07:32.961 --> 0:07:34.921 So no, it's not a good response to a little 0:07:35.001 --> 0:07:37.241 baby to shush them. 0:07:37.481 --> 0:07:40.321 Yeah, and that would be a you know, a diplomatic 0:07:40.361 --> 0:07:42.441 conversation with their friends to say, hey, you know, I 0:07:42.521 --> 0:07:45.161 know what you're trying to do, but that is not 0:07:45.321 --> 0:07:47.961 how you do it. Just to have that conversation to say, 0:07:48.121 --> 0:07:50.841 you know, I'm the parent here and you know if 0:07:50.881 --> 0:07:52.521 you're having a problem with that, then you can have 0:07:52.521 --> 0:07:54.561 a check to me about it rather than shush my baby. 0:07:55.241 --> 0:07:57.521 Absolutely, And the issue is that if we've all got kids, 0:07:57.521 --> 0:07:59.361 we sort of understand it, but what they're saying is 0:07:59.401 --> 0:08:01.281 the only one with a kid, so that other people 0:08:01.281 --> 0:08:03.001 aren't used to it. Whereas if you sit around with 0:08:03.041 --> 0:08:05.641 a bunch of babies and with your friends, we just 0:08:05.681 --> 0:08:08.441 have to raise our voice a little bit louder to 0:08:08.481 --> 0:08:10.161 hear each other, right, and we just know that that's 0:08:10.201 --> 0:08:13.001 what's bub's going to carry on bubbling and bubbling, and 0:08:13.041 --> 0:08:14.641 we'll acknowledge them every now and then. 0:08:14.761 --> 0:08:18.641 So lovely though, it is really nice, particularly when it's 0:08:18.641 --> 0:08:21.041 a happy babbling. I mean, it's a beautiful zeud and 0:08:21.081 --> 0:08:21.601 they're trying. 0:08:21.481 --> 0:08:24.641 To engage themselves in the conversation. So think about having 0:08:24.681 --> 0:08:26.281 a conversation just like everyone else. 0:08:26.721 --> 0:08:30.001 Yeah, another good question here. It says Hi Catherine, my 0:08:30.801 --> 0:08:33.761 ten year old daughter has expressed loneliness at school. My 0:08:33.881 --> 0:08:35.921 daughter has just started a new school. When she got 0:08:35.961 --> 0:08:38.601 home last week, I asked her how her day went. 0:08:38.721 --> 0:08:40.841 She told me she really likes the teacher, but there 0:08:40.841 --> 0:08:42.961 are a lot of popular kids in her class that 0:08:42.961 --> 0:08:46.081 seem to ignore her. She has gone to the school 0:08:47.481 --> 0:08:49.361 for the last week. She expressed to me that she 0:08:50.321 --> 0:08:54.041 is feeling a bit lonely and doesn't know how to 0:08:54.321 --> 0:08:57.681 interact with the other children. The teacher has been really good, 0:08:57.681 --> 0:08:59.561 but I'm really fearful of this should I be? 0:09:01.961 --> 0:09:04.881 I mean loneliness. We feel loneliness, and it is one 0:09:04.921 --> 0:09:07.681 of the emotions that we have to learn to deal with. 0:09:07.721 --> 0:09:10.241 But and it's only been a week, and sometimes we 0:09:10.321 --> 0:09:13.281 take a while to get, you know, sort of into 0:09:13.321 --> 0:09:16.321 the groove of things. What I would be looking at 0:09:16.441 --> 0:09:20.001 is how is she acting? We've sort of got it 0:09:20.001 --> 0:09:22.321 almost model. Just check in to see whether she's got 0:09:22.321 --> 0:09:26.521 ways of introducing yourself to other people. You know, girls, 0:09:26.601 --> 0:09:29.481 let's get real, especially girls, can be pretty cruel when 0:09:29.521 --> 0:09:32.921 a new one comes in. So I mean a week's 0:09:32.961 --> 0:09:36.761 not long, but staying confident in herself, staying and you know, 0:09:36.801 --> 0:09:39.801 not sort of butting in and trying too hard. It's 0:09:39.881 --> 0:09:43.521 highly likely she'll find someone her tribe. But it is 0:09:43.641 --> 0:09:45.841 especially if it's a smaller school, which it could potentially 0:09:45.921 --> 0:09:47.761 be when they're talking about it, and the girls have 0:09:47.841 --> 0:09:52.521 got their cliques already, especially around that age, they can 0:09:52.561 --> 0:09:53.241 really have a clique. 0:09:53.281 --> 0:09:54.121 So it's really hard. 0:09:55.161 --> 0:09:56.921 We want to have a talk with the young girl 0:09:57.001 --> 0:09:58.721 and we want to, you know, give us some advice. 0:09:58.801 --> 0:10:01.281 This happened to me, Being lonely, being on your own 0:10:01.361 --> 0:10:04.161 as a little bit normal, and then try and give 0:10:04.161 --> 0:10:06.161 her a couple of chips of how to engage in 0:10:06.161 --> 0:10:08.161 a conversation. What happened at school today, what were the 0:10:08.161 --> 0:10:10.841 other girls doing. Okay, we might be able to try this. 0:10:11.041 --> 0:10:12.801 So that's some of the things we might be able 0:10:12.801 --> 0:10:16.161 to help with. But this world is a cruel place sometimes, 0:10:16.281 --> 0:10:19.961 and I can give some advice, but I think she 0:10:20.081 --> 0:10:23.001 has to just hope that the girls will warm up. 0:10:23.881 --> 0:10:26.361 Our school can be an incredibly tough place for kids, 0:10:26.401 --> 0:10:27.041 no doubt about that. 0:10:27.121 --> 0:10:27.441 I mean, it. 0:10:27.481 --> 0:10:29.561 Appears to be a good sign that the fact that 0:10:29.601 --> 0:10:31.401 she's talked to her mum and she said, look I 0:10:31.441 --> 0:10:33.801 am feeling a bit lonely. That must be a good sign, 0:10:33.881 --> 0:10:36.481 right that communication is already there. 0:10:37.121 --> 0:10:39.161 She's got someone to talk to and stuff like that. 0:10:39.241 --> 0:10:42.201 So and being lonely for a while is not the 0:10:42.281 --> 0:10:44.121 end of the world, did you know, But if it 0:10:44.121 --> 0:10:46.601 went on for too long, yes, that could start getting 0:10:46.641 --> 0:10:47.361 to be a problem. 0:10:47.841 --> 0:10:51.801 Yeah. Hi, Catherine, My sixteen year old daughter text me 0:10:52.041 --> 0:10:55.081 earlier asking if she could go to a party tonight. 0:10:55.481 --> 0:10:57.121 She said, the party starts at ten and if I 0:10:57.161 --> 0:10:59.961 could drop her and her friend off. I know we 0:11:00.041 --> 0:11:02.401 all snuck out and went to parties when we were younger. 0:11:02.441 --> 0:11:04.401 I'm glad that she asked me first instead of lying, 0:11:04.441 --> 0:11:07.201 But I'm just horn on whether I should let her 0:11:07.321 --> 0:11:09.401 go or not. All these thoughts keep popping up on 0:11:09.441 --> 0:11:13.761 my head about what could happen. Advice please, sixteen year 0:11:13.801 --> 0:11:15.281 old just feels a bit young. 0:11:17.081 --> 0:11:19.441 Yes, he's sixteen. You think back to sixteen. I mean, 0:11:19.481 --> 0:11:22.561 sixteen's actually an age that we sort of often were 0:11:23.241 --> 0:11:26.841 already leaving home. You know, in my sort of generation 0:11:27.001 --> 0:11:30.921 a bit older, and our kids in that age, they 0:11:30.961 --> 0:11:33.401 really are trying to separate from the parent. They really 0:11:33.401 --> 0:11:36.401 do need to call it in the adolescent age. Learning 0:11:36.441 --> 0:11:39.481 to apply the brakes. Now, they don't have the best 0:11:39.561 --> 0:11:42.321 brake system, so it is good for a parent to 0:11:42.321 --> 0:11:44.921 put some boundaries around them, but they have to test 0:11:44.961 --> 0:11:49.081 the brakes under good conditions, So if that parent lets 0:11:49.121 --> 0:11:51.001 them go to this party, they know where they are, 0:11:51.521 --> 0:11:54.041 they can set up some things. There's always that phone 0:11:54.081 --> 0:11:55.441 call that they ring up and go, oh have you 0:11:55.481 --> 0:11:57.961 put my purple jumper in the wash? I e come 0:11:58.001 --> 0:11:58.961 and pick me up please? 0:12:00.841 --> 0:12:01.161 Do you know? 0:12:01.241 --> 0:12:03.721 So we've got some really safe boundaries. You know where 0:12:03.761 --> 0:12:06.001 they are, what time they go in that sort of thing. 0:12:06.881 --> 0:12:10.361 It would be better than saying no. Then that young 0:12:10.361 --> 0:12:12.561 person next week decides they want to go to a party, 0:12:12.601 --> 0:12:15.001 so they don't tell their parents. You don't know where 0:12:15.041 --> 0:12:18.121 they are, do you know? If they're going to they're 0:12:18.161 --> 0:12:20.401 going to be wanting to do these things. I want 0:12:20.441 --> 0:12:23.921 to do them when I've got as much protection around 0:12:23.921 --> 0:12:26.281 that child. So that would be my advice than not 0:12:26.441 --> 0:12:28.921 my child. You've got you know, this parent knows their 0:12:29.001 --> 0:12:31.521 child the best. It does feel young. But if they're 0:12:31.561 --> 0:12:33.321 asking to go, they're going to find a way to 0:12:33.361 --> 0:12:36.561 go at some stage. I'd rather be on their side. 0:12:37.041 --> 0:12:39.361 Great advice. And certainly you know I was out at 0:12:39.401 --> 0:12:42.401 parties at sixteen and did some silly things and mum, 0:12:42.561 --> 0:12:45.481 you know, quite rightly said well now you know, but 0:12:45.721 --> 0:12:48.161 you're right. The fact that she's talking to her mum 0:12:48.201 --> 0:12:49.881 and asking and saying, here's where I'm going to be, 0:12:50.241 --> 0:12:52.161 And as you say, the mom said, yep, but here's 0:12:52.161 --> 0:12:53.921 how you can keep yourself safe in that part of 0:12:53.961 --> 0:12:56.121 the conditions. Seems like a great place to be when 0:12:56.161 --> 0:13:02.401 they're sixteen. Hi, Catherine, my fifteen month old throws tantrums 0:13:02.441 --> 0:13:04.721 when he's grabbed something he shouldn't have and I take 0:13:04.721 --> 0:13:07.481 it away, he flips out. I pull him away from 0:13:07.521 --> 0:13:10.041 tearing apart a plant, he flips out. What do I 0:13:10.121 --> 0:13:11.601 do in these situations? 0:13:13.601 --> 0:13:19.441 Know that a kids are learning to activate their calming response, 0:13:19.521 --> 0:13:22.281 and we can't do it until we learn, so it's 0:13:22.321 --> 0:13:26.201 completely well, not completely normal, it's you know, it's quite 0:13:26.201 --> 0:13:29.081 a normal behavior that we would see. And as long 0:13:29.121 --> 0:13:30.881 as they don't last for ages, as long as they 0:13:30.881 --> 0:13:35.721 don't absolutely you know they're doing it consistently, what I 0:13:35.761 --> 0:13:38.241 would potentially say, now you've only given me a tiny 0:13:38.241 --> 0:13:41.321 bit of information. But some of us are born with 0:13:41.401 --> 0:13:44.801 higher personality types in certain areas, and it could be 0:13:44.921 --> 0:13:47.361 that this young person, even at that age, has got 0:13:47.361 --> 0:13:50.161 a higher desire to have control over their own environment, 0:13:50.601 --> 0:13:53.761 which means when you control them, it's even harder for 0:13:53.801 --> 0:13:56.041 them to deal with that. I'm not saying give them 0:13:56.041 --> 0:13:58.841 control in that space. But I would be saying, actually, 0:13:58.841 --> 0:14:01.641 I'm going to take this off you now it's not 0:14:01.681 --> 0:14:04.481 okay to ever and then take it rather than so 0:14:04.521 --> 0:14:08.081 you sort of joining in with them rather than overbearing them. 0:14:08.641 --> 0:14:12.241 So it would be interesting to watch This young person 0:14:12.321 --> 0:14:15.801 might have a you know, a real inclination towards controlling 0:14:15.841 --> 0:14:18.521 their own environment, and when you control them, they find 0:14:18.521 --> 0:14:19.801 it much harder to handle. 0:14:20.321 --> 0:14:22.841 So, but there are little ones. 0:14:23.481 --> 0:14:27.041 We can't have babies that don't have tear potentiums and 0:14:27.201 --> 0:14:30.921 lose the plots. Yeah, talk to your friends and ask 0:14:30.961 --> 0:14:33.361 your friends if you have friends with kids the same age, 0:14:33.401 --> 0:14:36.801 and ask them. It's highly likely they'll say, oh, yeah, 0:14:37.201 --> 0:14:39.481 my kid does the same thing. See if you're within 0:14:39.521 --> 0:14:43.361 the bounds of normal with your other friends. Is always 0:14:43.361 --> 0:14:45.841 a helpful thing for anyone listening to this. Even with 0:14:46.081 --> 0:14:48.881 whatever age your kids are, try and find someone with 0:14:48.921 --> 0:14:52.281 similar age and say, honestly, tell me how your kids 0:14:52.321 --> 0:14:52.841 are behaving. 0:14:53.481 --> 0:14:57.561 Fantastic. Yeah, great question and great advice. Hi Catherine, my 0:14:57.641 --> 0:14:59.521 daughter is six and we are deciding whether or not 0:14:59.561 --> 0:15:02.201 to continue home school. She hasn't show an interest in 0:15:02.241 --> 0:15:04.881 going to school, but my husband is scared that can 0:15:05.041 --> 0:15:09.521 coninuing to homeschool will stunt her developments? Is there any 0:15:09.601 --> 0:15:12.001 evidence for this? Should we be worried. 0:15:13.761 --> 0:15:17.401 Six six and almost sort of at the end close 0:15:17.441 --> 0:15:19.721 that seven eight year old. Our kids rarely need to 0:15:19.721 --> 0:15:23.121 start to develop another group of people outside of the 0:15:23.281 --> 0:15:26.561 family unit and stuff, so because then when we hear adolescents, 0:15:26.601 --> 0:15:30.201 it becomes even more important for them to have friendship groups. 0:15:30.201 --> 0:15:32.401 And they have to have learned how to do all 0:15:32.441 --> 0:15:39.081 that arguing, fighting, disagreeing when they're before puberty, because once 0:15:39.081 --> 0:15:42.361 they hit that it gets really, really difficult. So allowing 0:15:42.401 --> 0:15:46.041 her to have social situations where she literally has to 0:15:46.081 --> 0:15:49.841 take turns, has to lose, has to do that that's 0:15:49.881 --> 0:15:53.081 really important. Now, if you're homeschooling and ensuring that, I 0:15:53.081 --> 0:15:56.201 don't know, you've got big sports events, you take them 0:15:56.241 --> 0:15:58.601 to church, you're doing lots of things, and that's fine. 0:15:58.681 --> 0:16:02.041 But if she's not getting that, then I would be 0:16:02.081 --> 0:16:04.321 inclined to say she needs to get into a social 0:16:04.321 --> 0:16:08.441 space where she has to negotiate a number of difficult 0:16:08.481 --> 0:16:12.041 friendships because that is a really important thing to learn, 0:16:12.161 --> 0:16:14.561 and you don't want to wait until she hits that 0:16:14.601 --> 0:16:18.041 really difficult puberty time. For her brain to learn those 0:16:18.081 --> 0:16:20.081 negotiations and learnings. 0:16:20.521 --> 0:16:23.041 Yep, really good, really good. Now this is a bit 0:16:23.041 --> 0:16:26.041 of a long text, but again it's another doozy of 0:16:26.081 --> 0:16:28.761 a question. Hi, I'm thirty one years old and I 0:16:28.761 --> 0:16:30.881 have a two year old. I feel I have normal 0:16:30.921 --> 0:16:34.121 expectations on how he behaves. Basically, I understand that there 0:16:34.161 --> 0:16:37.081 is pretty much no impulse control and he has trouble 0:16:37.081 --> 0:16:40.801 regulating emotions. At this age. I really get mad, and 0:16:40.881 --> 0:16:44.121 my approach is usually to explain things to him calmly 0:16:44.241 --> 0:16:46.681 and accept that he will act like a two year old. 0:16:47.081 --> 0:16:49.921 My parents say he needs to learn to sit down 0:16:50.241 --> 0:16:52.401 when they think he should sit at a meal for 0:16:52.401 --> 0:16:55.481 forty five minutes, no screen time, and act like an adult. 0:16:55.521 --> 0:17:00.961 They also say your no should mean no. He still 0:17:01.001 --> 0:17:04.361 sometimes will grab their dog, and of course my parents 0:17:04.441 --> 0:17:08.281 freak out. These are just a few examples, and it's NonStop. 0:17:08.321 --> 0:17:10.201 They make me feel so on edge, and they always 0:17:10.201 --> 0:17:14.681 put the comments about spanking, to which meme doesn't make 0:17:14.721 --> 0:17:17.761 any logical sense for my style of parenting. I'm venting. 0:17:17.841 --> 0:17:20.441 But also am I being strange here? 0:17:23.281 --> 0:17:27.121 Don't we love our parents' desire to help us? 0:17:27.161 --> 0:17:28.521 Now they are just trying to help and I can 0:17:28.561 --> 0:17:31.521 hear that, and I got similar advice from my parents. 0:17:31.601 --> 0:17:34.601 Of course what I want you to do. And absolutely 0:17:34.601 --> 0:17:37.561 our young people have not got a cortex yet at 0:17:37.561 --> 0:17:39.801 two years old. So the prefrontal cortex is the part 0:17:39.801 --> 0:17:42.001 of the brain that makes a conscious decision to do 0:17:42.081 --> 0:17:45.201 something or not. But at two years old, we can 0:17:45.281 --> 0:17:47.761 learn conditioned responses, so we can go, oh, I better 0:17:47.761 --> 0:17:50.561 not do that. Someone's gonna hurt me. You know, it's 0:17:50.561 --> 0:17:55.121 not a conscious thought, it's just a conditioned response. Now 0:17:55.321 --> 0:17:57.881 we do need to have our kids learning some conditioned responses. 0:17:57.961 --> 0:18:00.081 I don't put your hand in the dog's mouth, you know, 0:18:00.481 --> 0:18:01.801 and don't touch the hot things. 0:18:02.201 --> 0:18:04.281 But when we talk about behavior, what. 0:18:04.321 --> 0:18:06.961 I want this person and to consider is do I 0:18:07.041 --> 0:18:11.241 believe my child is reducing that negative behavior so they're 0:18:11.241 --> 0:18:14.521 able to sit for longer at the dinner table. Now 0:18:14.841 --> 0:18:17.721 they are able to control their behavior a little bit 0:18:17.721 --> 0:18:20.081 more than they could till three weeks ago. As long 0:18:20.121 --> 0:18:25.081 as that's happening, they are actually increasing this young two 0:18:25.161 --> 0:18:29.041 year old's ability to physically regulate their stress response system. 0:18:29.081 --> 0:18:31.801 And that can be done without a cortex. It's literally 0:18:31.841 --> 0:18:36.081 learning to breathe, calm down, feel safe, and that's through 0:18:36.121 --> 0:18:39.601 modeling and being with them. So it sounds like the 0:18:39.641 --> 0:18:43.721 parent's way of doing it is absolutely fantastic. That's what 0:18:43.761 --> 0:18:46.321 we want to do. We don't need to hit, we 0:18:46.401 --> 0:18:50.081 don't need to spank, we don't need to yell. Obviously 0:18:50.081 --> 0:18:52.961 sometimes will by the way, I did all of that 0:18:52.961 --> 0:18:57.481 when a parent lost my and yelled. But yes, watch 0:18:57.561 --> 0:19:01.121 the behavior and as long as the behavior is generalizingly 0:19:01.281 --> 0:19:03.961 getting better and they're being able to control themselves more, 0:19:04.121 --> 0:19:05.001 you're doing the right thing. 0:19:05.761 --> 0:19:08.121 So what is actually going on from a neuroscience point 0:19:08.161 --> 0:19:10.241 of view, because we all know there's a phrase there, 0:19:10.281 --> 0:19:13.681 the terrible twos, is that just the period of development 0:19:13.721 --> 0:19:16.601 where emotions are at all time highs. That's kind of 0:19:16.641 --> 0:19:18.561 a critical part of development and there are a lot 0:19:18.561 --> 0:19:20.761