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Speaker 1: You're listening to the Simon Barnett and James Daniels Afternoons

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Speaker 1: podcast from News Talk ZEDB.

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Speaker 2: We finish every second Wednesday with Alexander to Blanche. He

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Speaker 2: is the real deal when it comes to relationships. He's

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Speaker 2: got qualifications in psychotherapy and counseling and human sexuality. He

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Speaker 2: runs his own practice, it's called on Point Therapy, and

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Speaker 2: he's the relationship expert for Compatico. He really is a

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Speaker 2: fond of all information when it comes to relationships. Alexander

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Speaker 2: to Blanche, A very good afternoon to you.

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Speaker 3: Are you seeing Thanks for moving back, Thank you.

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Speaker 2: For coming back. If you've got a question for Alexander, oh,

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Speaker 2: eight hundred eighty ten eighty, you can protect your name.

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Speaker 2: Just havy act to Tyler and he'll keep you anonymous

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Speaker 2: if you so desire so eight hundred eighty ten eighty.

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Speaker 2: If you'd prefer, you can text us. Just text your

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Speaker 2: question to nine two nine two. Alexander's with us for

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Speaker 2: twenty minutes or so.

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Speaker 4: Got a text here, Alexander, and it's pretty simple. It says, Hi,

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Speaker 4: I've been on Tinder for two years now and I

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Speaker 4: still haven't got anybody. Do you have any tips?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, some some some tips for someone on Tinder for

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Speaker 3: two years. I think firstly, maybe it's time to get off.

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Speaker 3: And I mean that, you know, in the nicest possible way.

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Speaker 3: I think the longer that we're on something like that,

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Speaker 3: the more we can kind of become, you know, entrenched

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Speaker 3: in the game, or we're entrenched in the process, and

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Speaker 3: we can become numb, we can become disheartened. And there

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Speaker 3: are some amazing single people outside of apps. Perhaps if

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Speaker 3: you're putting all your energy into that, you know you're

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Speaker 3: missing you're missing other opportunities.

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Speaker 2: Is there a sense of failure?

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Speaker 4: Though?

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Speaker 2: If you've been on tender for two years, will there

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Speaker 2: be a sense of failure if nothing's come of it

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Speaker 2: and then you're sitting there going, well, I'm actually unlovable.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I could understand how some people might interpret

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Speaker 3: it that way. I think I think apps, in particular

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Speaker 3: dating apps are set up really well for a small

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Speaker 3: portion of the population, and they work incredibly well because

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Speaker 3: they're based on metrics that are quite superficial, But the

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Speaker 3: vast majority of the population aren't actually sort of you know,

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Speaker 3: the apps aren't working in their favor, and so yeah,

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Speaker 3: I think it's a really common experience that people are

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Speaker 3: on there for a long period of time, becoming disheartened

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Speaker 3: taking it personally, when actually it's not really to do

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Speaker 3: with them, it's just the way that these things are

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Speaker 3: set up.

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Speaker 2: We were discussing about an hour ago or so Alexander,

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Speaker 2: and it turned in an amazing discussion actually about the

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Speaker 2: age gap for some relationships and how that's becoming increasingly

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Speaker 2: common in New Zealand, that these quite large age gaps,

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Speaker 2: and we had so many really interesting people phone up.

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Speaker 2: Some guys particularly said that they one of the hardest

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Speaker 2: things they find is if they go out and people

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Speaker 2: make a comment saying to them oh, it's good that

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Speaker 2: you've brought your daughter along or something like that, and

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Speaker 2: that's they find that really acute. Is there any tips

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Speaker 2: you have as a relationship expert on how to cope

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Speaker 2: with a significant age gap in a relationship.

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Speaker 3: To cope with it within the relationship or to cope

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Speaker 3: with people judging it.

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Speaker 2: But kind of both in a way.

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Speaker 3: I subscribe to you know, age is largely just a number.

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Speaker 3: There's there's a nine year gap between myself and my partner,

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Speaker 3: you know, and we have a fantastic relationship. If I

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Speaker 3: do say so myself, but but I don't. I don't

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Speaker 3: see it as an issue. I think, you know, other

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Speaker 3: people are open to their own opinions and will have them,

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Speaker 3: and there are some you know that have opinions of

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Speaker 3: what an age gap should be. You know, each to

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Speaker 3: their own. But I think as long as the relationship

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Speaker 3: you know, the important things of open communication, you know,

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Speaker 3: you're continuing to grow, to share, to experience together. I

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Speaker 3: don't think that age, you know, has a whole lot

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Speaker 3: of an impact on those things that make and sustain

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Speaker 3: a good quality relationship. Mm hmm.

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Speaker 4: I just wondering, is the nine year age difference where

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Speaker 4: you're the older in your relationship?

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Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, that's right.

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Speaker 4: Okay, Hey, text has asked there's a big thing in

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Speaker 4: relationship that many people after the honeymoon phase let themselves

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Speaker 4: go to quote them let themselves go. How important is

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Speaker 4: staying fit and healthy and keeping relationships strong?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's an interesting phenomena. I think. So the honeymoon

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Speaker 3: period technically is anywhere between six months and twenty four

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Speaker 3: months into a relationship. That tends to be the window.

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Speaker 3: Some couples can last longer, but that can also start

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Speaker 3: to point into couples that are potentially conflict avoidant, so

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Speaker 3: generally speaking six months to twenty four months. And what

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Speaker 3: happens is within that initial period, we're really driven, motivated

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Speaker 3: by being seen by our partners, to be accepted, to

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Speaker 3: feel connected, and so it takes effort to show up

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Speaker 3: to maintain our health, well being, our presentation. But we're

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Speaker 3: rewarded with this increased experience of comfort and security. But

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Speaker 3: then we reach this period where at about roughly two years,

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Speaker 3: the comfort in the security is there. And what happens

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Speaker 3: is for many of us we just then stop trying.

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Speaker 3: But I guess the importance is when we do stop

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Speaker 3: taking care of ourselves, then we start to experience things

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Speaker 3: I guess lower self esteem, an impact on our mood,

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Speaker 3: on our energy levels, and all of those things then

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Speaker 3: start to take its toll on our relationship.

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Speaker 2: Right. Here's a really interesting text that's just come in

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Speaker 2: and they say, please, guys, I don't want to mention

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Speaker 2: my name. I'm married without the lust in my marriage,

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Speaker 2: but I have fallen for a girl fifteen years younger

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Speaker 2: than me. I'm sixty, she's forty five. She knows I've

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Speaker 2: fallen for her, and she encourages it. We have not

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Speaker 2: been together yet. I can't escape this girl as we

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Speaker 2: are in the same work circle. I think about it

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Speaker 2: all the time. It's doing my head in the advice please,

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Speaker 2: so just.

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Speaker 3: To recap, sorry, the Texture is married and is experiencing

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Speaker 3: an attraction for someone at work.

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Speaker 2: Correct enough, person's fifteen years younger.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think the age gap has anything to

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Speaker 3: do with the equation really in this situation. I think

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Speaker 3: the fact that the texture and is married is probably

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Speaker 3: more significant than the age gap with the person at work.

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Speaker 3: What I would say is it's normal to have attraction

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Speaker 3: for people outside of our relationships. It becomes problematic when

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Speaker 3: we act on them, or when we start to take

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Speaker 3: our energy away from the marriage or the relationship and

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Speaker 3: invest it in spending time, you know, in this other person.

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Speaker 3: So strong strong advice is to not act on it

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Speaker 3: at all. And it sounds like perhaps there's a conversation

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Speaker 3: that needs to be had with your partner about what

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Speaker 3: it is that you're missing that you would like within

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Speaker 3: your existing relationship.

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Speaker 2: I reckon that is excellent advice. Alexander. I read a

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Speaker 2: book because I've always been fascinated in relationships, and I

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Speaker 2: read a book some years ago about that very scenario,

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Speaker 2: Ready and the author of the book suggested, if it

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Speaker 2: was such a powerful kind of attraction, they suggested it

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Speaker 2: was better to actually leave the place of work and

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Speaker 2: in some cases leave the town if you couldn't shake them.

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Speaker 2: Do you reckon that's fair or is that overblown?

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Speaker 3: I mean, it does sound quite extreme, But I think

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Speaker 3: first and foremost, we should be doing whatever we can

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Speaker 3: to protect the well being of our relationship, to make

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Speaker 3: sure that we're staying as invested in that as we

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Speaker 3: possibly can. And if it gets to the point where

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Speaker 3: we are finding it too much of a distraction, then yeah,

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Speaker 3: I've certainly experienced clients who have left their place of work,

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Speaker 3: not move countries, but left their place of work, you know,

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Speaker 3: in order to remove themselves from whatever that temptation is,

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Speaker 3: you know. And it would be the same if it

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Speaker 3: was if it was gambling, or if it was drinking,

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Speaker 3: or you know, you remove the thing or get away

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Speaker 3: from or put barriers in place, and all of a

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Speaker 3: sudden it becomes easier to remain true and committed to

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Speaker 3: what it is that you truly value.

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Speaker 2: Very good advice. We are with Alexander Tablanche Relationship expert

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Speaker 2: if you have a question eight hundred and eighty ten eighty.

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Speaker 2: Nancy's given us a call. Hello, Nancy, Hi, Hi, Alexander's

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Speaker 2: standing by.

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Speaker 5: Thank you, Alexander. I'd like to have a greater understanding

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Speaker 5: of how to communicate more effectively. When I'm speaking with

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Speaker 5: my husband and I'll comment on something called ask him

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Speaker 5: a question, the first thing they've happens is that he

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Speaker 5: asked me a question back, and I don't know how

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Speaker 5: to resolve that.

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Speaker 4: How is that an issue?

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Speaker 3: Nancy?

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Speaker 4: Just can you expand on that.

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Speaker 5: I just find it really difficult that I'm asking a

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Speaker 5: question and he'll ask that question back I've just asked.

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Speaker 2: Mm hmmm, Alexander.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, thanks for calling in, Nancy. It's I think

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Speaker 3: some of us are taught or learn that a great

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Speaker 3: way to stay connected is to be interested, right, And

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Speaker 3: so you know, there may be the sort of this

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Speaker 3: default in you've asked a question, I'm asking a question,

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Speaker 3: But it sounds like what you're wanting is you're wanting

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Speaker 3: to just to engage in a way where he answers,

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Speaker 3: he sits there, he's he's sort of with you without

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Speaker 3: trying to turn it into a conversation. He's available to

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Speaker 3: answer your questions. I think with any communication pattern in

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Speaker 3: a relationship, we all have set patterns that we fall into,

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Speaker 3: and one of the ways in which we can change

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Speaker 3: them is we can actually have a conversation about how

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Speaker 3: we have conversations. Does that make sense yes? As yeah,

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Speaker 3: and so let him let him know that, Hey, look,

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Speaker 3: you know, I really appreciate you asking questions back and

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Speaker 3: wanting to be interested. But what I really would like

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Speaker 3: is if you were able to answer the questions and

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Speaker 3: to sort of sit down and then maybe we can

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Speaker 3: take turns. Is that something.

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Speaker 5: I have? Yes? I did actually suggest that once before

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Speaker 5: and say, I've just asked you this question and now

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Speaker 5: you're asking it back, but I need to I need

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Speaker 5: you to answer that question. And when when I've asked

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Speaker 5: you a question or commented on something, could you just

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Speaker 5: think about that and then instead of asking me the question,

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Speaker 5: could you answer that question? And now I struggled with

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Speaker 5: that for a little while. That that hasn't changed.

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Speaker 3: Right, And sorry? What was his response when you did

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Speaker 3: mention that to him, Nancy?

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Speaker 5: Is that Yeah, he thought about it like he was

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Speaker 5: approachable and thought about it, But that behaviors still there

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Speaker 5: and I think, Okay, how else can I approach that?

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Speaker 3: Is there anything else you can do? Alexander, I think,

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Speaker 3: first and foremost great. I think it's so good that

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Speaker 3: you brought it to sort of his attention. What we're

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Speaker 3: what we're talking about is a pattern of communication that

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Speaker 3: often a lot of us don't realize we do, and

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Speaker 3: so it takes a little bit of reinforcing it. It takes

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Speaker 3: a little bit of practice. So what I would say is,

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Speaker 3: rather than having the conversation while in the conversation, meaning

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Speaker 3: you know, he might feel put on the spot when

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Speaker 3: he gets asked certain questions and so you know, driving

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Speaker 3: for more answers may may sort of dig them deeper

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Speaker 3: in the corner, I guess, So have the conversation outside

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Speaker 3: of the conversation. Do you mind if we have a

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Speaker 3: chat about how we communicate? What I would like is

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Speaker 3: and what do you need from me in order to

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Speaker 3: be open to trying that? So you have a bit

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Speaker 3: of a plan as a couple of how you will

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Speaker 3: deal with communication when you need to deal with it,

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Speaker 3: and then it's and then it's feedback. Right, So I

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Speaker 3: really appreciated when you did this, Oh can we try this?

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Speaker 3: And you're sort of learning how to communicate differently together

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Speaker 3: as a couple.

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Speaker 2: That's very good advice. You've got time for one more question.

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Speaker 4: Texts says I don't feel valued or listened to. My

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Speaker 4: requests for intimacy get turned down repeatedly. I asked my

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Speaker 4: wife not to buy many me any alcoholic drinks because

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Speaker 4: I discussed the fact that I thought that I might

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Speaker 4: need to go to AA. She still buys me beer

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Speaker 4: and wine, and I think she's just trying to escape

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Speaker 4: from the intimacy. I brought up this fact that I

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Speaker 4: felt that the relationship was broken, that I felt lonely,

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Speaker 4: and May of last year, nothing's changed. She said she

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Speaker 4: didn't like conflict, to which I replied, it's not conflict,

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Speaker 4: it's communication.

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Speaker 3: Can you give many hints? Yeah, that's that's sort of tricky,

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Speaker 3: especially if you've asked for something specific and you know

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Speaker 3: your partner's not meeting that, and when it comes to

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Speaker 3: concerns about alcoholism or anything like that, it sounds significant

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Speaker 3: similar to I guess the feedback to Nancy as I

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Speaker 3: would have a conversation about how we communicate and what's important.

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Speaker 3: But if this pattern has been there for a while

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Speaker 3: and it's starting to sort of veer into concerning areas

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Speaker 3: like alcoholism. Then my advice would uncertain undoubtedly big you

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Speaker 3: seek professional help, go and see a couple's therapists. It

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Speaker 3: sounds like something that would be really worth while. Sitting

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Speaker 3: down with a third party.

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Speaker 2: The intimacy one that she touches on or rather heatauchs on.

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Speaker 2: There is interesting, Alexander, because I've actually discussed this with

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Speaker 2: a number of people who have felt like with intimacy,

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Speaker 2: particularly if they're women and they're rejected, it's that there's

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Speaker 2: always this feeling that, you know that men are the

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Speaker 2: ones that always are after it and dah la la,

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Speaker 2: but often that's not the case. And when women sort

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Speaker 2: of approach a man about it, their husbands or whatever,

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Speaker 2: they're not interested. They can be feeling awkward and awful.

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Speaker 2: What do you do about that?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I think intimacy. And if we're talking about intimacy,

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Speaker 3: I'm assuming we're talking about sex, yeah, like I've mentioned before,

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Speaker 3: or it's sex, parenting, money, really tricky topics, you know,

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Speaker 3: because they carry a lot of discomfort, a lot of stigma,

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Speaker 3: And what can happen is we usually try and bring

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Speaker 3: these things up when the boat's already rocking, if that

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Speaker 3: makes sense, which is never a good time to have

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Speaker 3: those conversations. So trying to have a conversation about sex

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Speaker 3: when you've just been rejected or you're in the process

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Speaker 3: of trying to figure out, that's not the right time

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Speaker 3: to have it. It's finding a time that feels safe

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Speaker 3: for the two of you, where it's non threatening and

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Speaker 3: it's an invitation. I'd like to have a conversation about

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Speaker 3: our sex lives, about intimacy. When's a good time for

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Speaker 3: you to sit down and chat.

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Speaker 6: About it gives us both time to figure out what

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Speaker 6: it is that we want to talk about, come together,

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Speaker 6: and if you can't get that through through that conversation

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Speaker 6: by yourselves, know that it is tricky and that there

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Speaker 6: is support out there.

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Speaker 5: Excellent.

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Speaker 2: We really enjoyed talking with you, Alexander. It's sound advice.

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Speaker 2: Thank you very much for coming on the show.

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Speaker 4: And we've got some other texts that have come in

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Speaker 4: that we'll have to wait until next time.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, thanks Alexander.

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Speaker 3: Cheers, guys, Thanks Simon, Thanks James.

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Speaker 2: Alexander de Planche from On Point Therapy. This is News

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Speaker 2: talks edb for.

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Speaker 1: More from Simon Barnett and James Daniels. Afternoons, Listen live

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Speaker 1: to news talks EDB or follow the podcast on iHeartRadio