WEBVTT - Episode 17: Autism - inside the non-speaking world 0:00:00.680 --> 0:00:04.559 Just a note. This episode does contain explicit language. 0:00:06.800 --> 0:00:08.959 Rocking. We're rolling, yeah, rolling. 0:00:10.240 --> 0:00:11.760 I feel like I can just hold this like that. 0:00:12.400 --> 0:00:14.880 You can't. I think it's better if you hold it close. 0:00:15.040 --> 0:00:18.240 I said to my mouth like three two one testing. 0:00:21.239 --> 0:00:23.959 I'm with Eric Murray at his house in Cambridge to 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:26.560 talk about life with his beautiful son Zach. 0:00:27.240 --> 0:00:29.760 But first, where are we going to start? 0:00:31.240 --> 0:00:31.960 The Olympics? 0:00:32.920 --> 0:00:35.839 Eric Murray and Hamish Bomb. Then are the favorites here? 0:00:36.280 --> 0:00:38.199 When did I go I want to be an Olympian? 0:00:38.760 --> 0:00:40.040 Kiwi's going for gold? 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:42.640 It literally just sucks you in, you know, like you 0:00:42.720 --> 0:00:44.720 get sucked into being like this is going to be 0:00:44.800 --> 0:00:46.960 my life. I'm going to focus all my attention and 0:00:47.040 --> 0:00:48.640 energy on it. And how does that look? 0:00:49.200 --> 0:00:51.600 Surely they have it on a sale of the lad 0:00:51.680 --> 0:00:55.680 and nothing should stop Marry getting his gold Madal at Lash. 0:00:55.760 --> 0:00:58.480 What it looked like in the end was two Olympic 0:00:58.480 --> 0:01:03.480 gold medals and eight World Championship gold medals. Now he's 0:01:03.480 --> 0:01:06.880 focusing all that attention and energy into caring for his son, 0:01:07.520 --> 0:01:11.319 and it's a job that does require all of them. Kioda, 0:01:11.319 --> 0:01:13.679 I'm Sonia Gray and this is no such thing as 0:01:13.680 --> 0:01:17.400 normal series two. I am diving into the complex and 0:01:17.560 --> 0:01:21.800 fascinating world of neurodiversity. I'm not an expert, but my 0:01:21.920 --> 0:01:25.039 daughter is neurodivergent and a few years ago I was 0:01:25.080 --> 0:01:29.480 diagnosed with ADHD. In this series, you'll hear from experts 0:01:29.840 --> 0:01:33.240 and from many wonderful people who experience the world in 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:46.399 a unique way. We're looking at neurodiversity from the inside. 0:01:48.360 --> 0:01:51.520 This podcast is focused mainly on people whose differences are 0:01:51.520 --> 0:01:55.000 not obvious to the outside world. But if you're non speaking, 0:01:55.360 --> 0:01:59.840 have extreme sensory issues, or you're very easily overwhelmed, it's 0:01:59.840 --> 0:02:03.360 a different kind of challenge, a very intense one for 0:02:03.440 --> 0:02:06.640 the whole Far no. In this episode, we're looking at 0:02:06.680 --> 0:02:10.679 the experience of those who have high needs. Their differences 0:02:10.760 --> 0:02:14.079 or disabilities might be obvious, but we can't lose sight 0:02:14.080 --> 0:02:17.120 of the fact that these are people with unique personalities 0:02:17.160 --> 0:02:21.080 and passions and something special to offer. They may not 0:02:21.200 --> 0:02:24.120 have the ability to speak words, but that doesn't mean 0:02:24.160 --> 0:02:29.360 they don't have a voice. Let's talk about Zach. Zach, Oh, 0:02:29.880 --> 0:02:32.280 your lovely little boy. Where are you? 0:02:32.320 --> 0:02:33.520 He ain little now? 0:02:33.880 --> 0:02:38.520 Oh? Okay, well he's twelve now. But man, it's funny, 0:02:38.600 --> 0:02:40.240 right because you get those kids, you know, and they 0:02:40.280 --> 0:02:44.440 just get gross spurts. And in the last eight months, 0:02:44.520 --> 0:02:47.720 I reckon he's egrown a lot, which adds to the 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:51.040 whole complexities around his autism and everything. 0:02:51.200 --> 0:02:56.200 He is autistic. Adhd diagnosed diagnosed. 0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:59.359 When he was three, which was which was good, jumped 0:02:59.360 --> 0:03:03.600 on the bandwagon with everything. Speech and language therapy was 0:03:03.639 --> 0:03:05.120 the main one because he was non verbal. He just 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:07.440 wasn't talking at dayk here they were like, we're trying 0:03:07.440 --> 0:03:08.600 to get him on the mat. I'm like, and we 0:03:08.639 --> 0:03:12.360 tried everything. You know, special mat do this rewarding with stuff, 0:03:12.720 --> 0:03:15.000 and he'd like be engaged for about twenty seconds and 0:03:15.000 --> 0:03:16.320 then he's like bang them out. 0:03:17.040 --> 0:03:17.640 And that's why. 0:03:17.760 --> 0:03:20.560 And the teachers knew because they were the ones that said, 0:03:20.639 --> 0:03:22.840 we think second needs to go the child of element 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:25.120 Center and they were like, we just think, you know, 0:03:25.160 --> 0:03:29.200 he potentially, you know, Adhd could down the path of 0:03:29.240 --> 0:03:31.680 autism because he's not talking. But if we get it 0:03:31.720 --> 0:03:34.920 early enough, then we can we can help him. And 0:03:34.920 --> 0:03:36.880 that was the best thing is that they were like, yes, 0:03:37.200 --> 0:03:38.640 there's there's something there. 0:03:40.040 --> 0:03:42.760 Mainstream school didn't work for Zech, so he's at a 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:45.840 special school with just six kids in the class. 0:03:46.440 --> 0:03:47.400 And then that's carried on. 0:03:47.520 --> 0:03:50.400 He went into the base school, which has been absolutely fantastic. 0:03:50.440 --> 0:03:52.600 You know, there's six kids in a classroom because he 0:03:52.600 --> 0:03:55.400 has very high needs. Yep, he's very very high needs. 0:03:56.160 --> 0:03:58.760 The high needs are compounded by the fact that Zach's 0:03:58.760 --> 0:04:02.280 had a lot going on recently. His mum, Jackie, Eric's 0:04:02.320 --> 0:04:05.320 ex wife, has always been a constant in his life, 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:08.520 but now she's battling cancer, which is a lot for 0:04:08.600 --> 0:04:12.320 any kid to deal with. Both parents are absolutely devoted 0:04:12.360 --> 0:04:19.880 to their son, but it's not easy. You mentioned to 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:22.600 me that there's been some challenges recently. Do you want 0:04:22.600 --> 0:04:23.320 to talk about those? 0:04:23.680 --> 0:04:28.040 Ah, yeah, over the last probably a year and a 0:04:28.120 --> 0:04:32.440 half with puberty and his mother's sick. Because he's had 0:04:32.480 --> 0:04:35.000 so much change, I guess as well. There's just so 0:04:35.120 --> 0:04:37.440 many different things happening to the poor guy. And because 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:43.039 he's nonverbal, we use a communication device called lamp. It's 0:04:43.040 --> 0:04:45.800 on an iPad. He uses callboards at school, so he's 0:04:45.920 --> 0:04:49.400 very visual about what he does, but he can't tell 0:04:49.440 --> 0:04:51.640 you things. You know, he comes in and he's frustrated 0:04:51.720 --> 0:04:53.400 or he doesn't have his iPad. I'm like, make I 0:04:53.400 --> 0:04:54.960 get your iPad, and then he doesn't want to, but 0:04:55.040 --> 0:04:56.919 then it starts becoming like I'm going to try and 0:04:56.920 --> 0:04:59.560 push past you, and then he'll lash out. And it's 0:04:59.600 --> 0:05:04.400 okay with me because I'm six foot five and one 0:05:04.480 --> 0:05:05.560 hundred and fifteen gaugees. 0:05:05.640 --> 0:05:07.520 The problem is when he's doing it with other people. 0:05:08.200 --> 0:05:08.400 You know. 0:05:08.440 --> 0:05:11.680 We've had incidents clear the classroom, Zach's tipping over the 0:05:11.800 --> 0:05:13.599 table and throwing shit around the place. 0:05:14.000 --> 0:05:16.600 You know, just gets frustrated. 0:05:16.279 --> 0:05:22.839 And that's the issue. His impulsivity has got beyond manageable state, 0:05:22.920 --> 0:05:26.040 probably to a point I had We've had some incidents 0:05:26.080 --> 0:05:29.479 in the community, you know, and just just around the 0:05:29.640 --> 0:05:32.800 flexibility of him, you know, and we had a very 0:05:32.880 --> 0:05:38.200 unfortunate fortunate but unfortunate, fortunate because of the person that 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:42.560 probably happened to and the understanding, but unfortunate because we're 0:05:42.560 --> 0:05:44.480 at the golf course. Loves going to golf, but there 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:48.760 were people sitting in his seat right can't sit anywhere else, 0:05:48.920 --> 0:05:50.279 which is absolutely fine. 0:05:51.000 --> 0:05:53.760 It's fine normally when there's no one else in this seat. 0:05:54.560 --> 0:05:57.640 Like so many autistic kids, Zach needs his environment to 0:05:57.720 --> 0:06:01.320 be predictable. Gives him a sense of security. But you 0:06:01.360 --> 0:06:03.799 can't ask people who are about to tuck into their food, 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:07.680 to just move tables. So Eric did what he so 0:06:07.800 --> 0:06:10.719 often has to do, abought the situation. 0:06:13.760 --> 0:06:16.560 She went outside and I said to the boys, I said, look, 0:06:16.560 --> 0:06:18.400 I'm going to take Zach. So I'm about ten to 0:06:18.440 --> 0:06:21.320 fifteen steps behind Zach at the stage. He just went 0:06:21.360 --> 0:06:23.520 straight up to this kid and bits him on the 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:26.640 arm right and just because he was frustrated, And then 0:06:26.680 --> 0:06:29.480 he threw a rock at a car. So now I'm 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:32.400 down about fifteen hundred bucks and whatever. And this kid's 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:35.320 been bitten, and the father's coming around and I'm and 0:06:35.320 --> 0:06:37.200 he's like what, and I'm like. 0:06:37.640 --> 0:06:40.200 So damage controls it. Zach in the car. 0:06:40.320 --> 0:06:45.320 I'm sitting there going what just happened, you know, and 0:06:45.520 --> 0:06:48.000 getting the pen and paper out, writing a note on 0:06:48.040 --> 0:06:51.360 the car that he threw the rock at. And then 0:06:51.400 --> 0:06:53.840 I left a note on the guy in his child's car. 0:06:53.880 --> 0:06:55.760 And he rang me that night and he said, look, 0:06:55.800 --> 0:06:58.320 I understand I've got a friend that's got a kid, 0:06:58.520 --> 0:07:00.600 you know, on the spectrum and stuff like that. And 0:07:00.640 --> 0:07:02.479 I said, look, I'm really sorry, you know, like what 0:07:02.600 --> 0:07:04.760 happened and stuff, and he goes, look it's okay, you know, 0:07:05.320 --> 0:07:09.200 you know, I sat there thinking, did I do everything correctly? 0:07:09.200 --> 0:07:10.960 Would I have done anything different? I don't think I 0:07:10.960 --> 0:07:13.080 would have done anything different, you know. Probably the only 0:07:13.080 --> 0:07:15.560 thing different was that I should have followed him out 0:07:16.120 --> 0:07:19.000 so that he could he could have lost his frustrations, 0:07:19.000 --> 0:07:20.960 and I could have had his iPad and tried to 0:07:20.960 --> 0:07:22.800 get him to reason and tried and show me that 0:07:22.840 --> 0:07:25.760 he was upset and that sort of stuff. So what 0:07:25.840 --> 0:07:32.240 happens if that was somebody else, somebody not understanding about 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:34.760 Zach or autism or. 0:07:34.800 --> 0:07:36.800 ADHD or neurodiverse. 0:07:36.920 --> 0:07:39.840 You know, people that are literally just having a complete 0:07:39.880 --> 0:07:42.400 meltdown for no real fault of their own. 0:07:42.480 --> 0:07:45.120 That's just who they are. We could have been in 0:07:45.160 --> 0:07:46.240 a real serious situation. 0:07:47.880 --> 0:07:50.560 Eric wants to make it clear, as do I, that 0:07:50.640 --> 0:07:54.000 this so called behavior that we say is socially unacceptable 0:07:54.440 --> 0:07:57.200 is not a choice for Zach. For him, the world 0:07:57.240 --> 0:08:01.280 is very dysregulating. He really struggles to control his impulses, 0:08:01.640 --> 0:08:04.440 but that is not always met with understanding from the public, 0:08:04.960 --> 0:08:08.160 and it can be demoralizing. Eric tells me that the 0:08:08.240 --> 0:08:10.960 day before he and Zach walked into a shop and 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:13.800 Zack just opened up a bag of Chippy's, something we'd 0:08:13.840 --> 0:08:17.000 all probably like to do, but the shopkeeper was not 0:08:17.080 --> 0:08:21.120 impressed and angrily demanded payment for it. 0:08:21.120 --> 0:08:24.520 It's not that serious, But at the same time, it's like, 0:08:24.880 --> 0:08:27.160 if this happens all the time, you go somewhere. 0:08:26.880 --> 0:08:30.240 And then what happens is you stop going anywhere, and 0:08:30.320 --> 0:08:32.800 that happens to a lot of families, and it's like 0:08:32.920 --> 0:08:36.680 that your life strenth down. The kids need to be 0:08:36.760 --> 0:08:40.080 out and practice the social stuff. So it's sort of 0:08:40.080 --> 0:08:41.040 a no win situation. 0:08:41.240 --> 0:08:42.440 It is a no win situation. 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:44.760 And all that I've been thinking about for Zach is like, 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:47.040 how can I get him into society? 0:08:47.200 --> 0:08:48.360 You know, how can I get him there? 0:08:48.840 --> 0:08:52.679 And a lot of it is getting them out and about, right, 0:08:52.840 --> 0:08:55.440 because the more that you're in your local community, the 0:08:55.440 --> 0:08:58.360 more that people understand you, which is you know, one 0:08:58.400 --> 0:09:01.080 of the big reasons. You know, zach'san and Cambridge, He's 0:09:01.120 --> 0:09:04.800 brought up here. A people know who I am and 0:09:04.840 --> 0:09:06.840 they see Zach, so most people will put two and 0:09:06.880 --> 0:09:09.320 two together. So if you go somewhere and something happens, 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:12.199 it's not a big deal. I'm in a privileged position, 0:09:12.600 --> 0:09:14.720 right and I know it, Whereas I can see a 0:09:14.720 --> 0:09:17.000 whole lot of other people that don't have the ability 0:09:17.440 --> 0:09:18.960 to be able to do what they're doing with their 0:09:19.040 --> 0:09:21.000 children that I can with Zach. 0:09:24.800 --> 0:09:27.080 Eric doesn't want to be talking about the tough stuff, 0:09:27.480 --> 0:09:30.320 but he's worried. He's worried about others in the same 0:09:30.400 --> 0:09:34.559 situation without the advantages that he has. It's very hard 0:09:34.600 --> 0:09:38.120 to comprehend unless you're living it. But society can play 0:09:38.120 --> 0:09:41.600 a part because kiuds like Zach have so many wonderful 0:09:41.640 --> 0:09:47.880 qualities in the community often doesn't see them. So let's 0:09:47.880 --> 0:09:51.120 talk about Zach because we've talked a lot about his 0:09:51.480 --> 0:09:54.040 challenges and about how society doesn't understand them. But I 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:58.720 feel like every person has something to contribute, and for 0:09:58.840 --> 0:10:02.719 some that, say non speaking or neurodivision, it might be 0:10:02.760 --> 0:10:06.079 a little bit more difficult to find their thing. Can 0:10:06.120 --> 0:10:07.079 you just talk about his. 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:10.120 Well, that's and that's good, the good stuff. Yeah, well 0:10:10.160 --> 0:10:10.840 the good stuff. 0:10:10.840 --> 0:10:14.080 The thing is he's got this amazing photographic memory, right 0:10:14.120 --> 0:10:18.520 and he takes like I'll be I'll show you show 0:10:18.559 --> 0:10:20.160 all the photos that he took some more. He's just 0:10:20.280 --> 0:10:22.640 right into photography and he'll be watching something on TV 0:10:22.679 --> 0:10:25.240 and he just wants to take pictures of stuff and 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:28.320 he'll he'll if he's got an iPad on my phone 0:10:28.360 --> 0:10:32.840 and I'm taking thousands of photos, thousands, and they just 0:10:32.880 --> 0:10:35.000 have scre like he'll pause the screen at one point 0:10:35.000 --> 0:10:36.600 and take a picture and and so he's like he's 0:10:36.600 --> 0:10:39.480 living through the screen, so trying to figure out and 0:10:39.559 --> 0:10:42.800 hence why is very visual, right, And and he will 0:10:42.800 --> 0:10:46.560 find a place on my phone through twenty five or 0:10:46.600 --> 0:10:49.560 thirty thousand photos back you know, ten years or whatever 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:51.560 it is, and he'll be pointing to it and it'll 0:10:51.600 --> 0:10:53.960 be like somewhere that we've been and we like go 0:10:54.240 --> 0:10:57.320 and I'm like, MAYSVGPL can't go there, you know, but 0:10:57.600 --> 0:10:59.680 he'll remember it and he'll be like go and like, 0:11:00.040 --> 0:11:01.839 you know, you go to a different supermarket that you've 0:11:01.880 --> 0:11:03.679 been to before, and you'll be like, I'll go find me, 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:07.360 you know, where where the Kinder Surprise was or something 0:11:07.520 --> 0:11:10.240 or whatever it is, and he'll go. He'll he'll take 0:11:10.280 --> 0:11:13.080 you down the aisle that it's on, and I'll be like, Jesus, 0:11:13.120 --> 0:11:14.920 even I was going to have to do a couple 0:11:14.920 --> 0:11:16.400 of laps and read the sign. 0:11:16.440 --> 0:11:18.160 He an't reading the signs. He just knows. 0:11:18.160 --> 0:11:20.080 He's just got that instinct, got that instinct to. 0:11:20.080 --> 0:11:21.920 Know where he goes and I'm like wow, and that 0:11:22.240 --> 0:11:25.079 you know when when you do letters and he'll spell countdown, 0:11:25.960 --> 0:11:28.079 but he'll spell it from the middle out, like alternating 0:11:28.120 --> 0:11:30.040 side to side, and you're like, I don't even know 0:11:30.080 --> 0:11:30.679 if I could do. 0:11:30.640 --> 0:11:32.079 That, you know what I mean? 0:11:32.440 --> 0:11:33.679 That's I think that it's a. 0:11:33.720 --> 0:11:36.240 Visual and that's the thing with Zach. He's very visual. 0:11:36.320 --> 0:11:38.760 And then he'll be doing creations and you know, and 0:11:38.800 --> 0:11:41.120 he'll rip paper and he rips books, which is one 0:11:41.160 --> 0:11:42.199 of his things. 0:11:42.240 --> 0:11:43.720 We don't have too many books around. 0:11:44.160 --> 0:11:46.520 But then he'll he'll peel out like a certain piece 0:11:46.559 --> 0:11:48.839 of the book and stick it on with something else. 0:11:49.440 --> 0:11:53.360 So there's something that he's trying to create in his head. 0:11:53.600 --> 0:11:55.520 And that's the whole thing, is trying to figure that out. 0:11:55.559 --> 0:11:57.880 And like it doesn't matter what he does, it's always different. 0:11:58.200 --> 0:11:58.400 You know. 0:11:58.440 --> 0:12:00.000 At school, they'll be like, we'll give him a jigsaw. 0:12:00.600 --> 0:12:02.760 Once he's done it, he'll never ever do it again, 0:12:03.600 --> 0:12:06.200 never do it again, because he's like, I don't why 0:12:06.480 --> 0:12:08.960 done it? And I think that's why he likes. He 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:12.640 likes new things. He likes being in new environments, which is. 0:12:12.679 --> 0:12:14.600 Great, right, real good. 0:12:15.400 --> 0:12:17.640 And he'll look around, he takes it all in and 0:12:17.720 --> 0:12:19.920 you just see him and he's just looking at everything. 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:22.240 He probably like a Jason Bourne, where it's like he 0:12:22.280 --> 0:12:23.959 knows how many steps it is to the front door, 0:12:24.040 --> 0:12:26.280 but he won't tell me, right, I don't know. 0:12:26.679 --> 0:12:32.520 I know he can't. And that's the thing. And so 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:33.160 looking at. 0:12:33.040 --> 0:12:35.319 The creativity that he has, but he wants to do 0:12:35.360 --> 0:12:36.960 stuff like that. He wants to cry and be like, 0:12:37.000 --> 0:12:39.679 let's plant some plants or whatever. He helping man. He 0:12:39.760 --> 0:12:42.360 the first person trying to put spade in, you know. 0:12:42.480 --> 0:12:44.120 And it's and so there's all of this stuff. When 0:12:44.160 --> 0:12:46.360 we're trying to build anything, he the first person there 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:48.240 trying to like give me something. I'll but we don't 0:12:48.240 --> 0:12:50.800 need that yet. You know your past Madrill. And he'll 0:12:50.840 --> 0:12:54.560 be there wanting to see creation. And so that's that's 0:12:54.640 --> 0:12:58.200 the stuff that really floats his boat. And that's what 0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:01.960 he enjoys and he gets stimulus to buy. But it 0:13:02.000 --> 0:13:03.440 is very visual, right. 0:13:03.320 --> 0:13:03.920 And that's the thing. 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:09.200 Is everything, everything in terms of speaking wise, has gone 0:13:09.200 --> 0:13:12.720 into his visual and that's where he's the expert. He 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:15.840 is absolute and as I say, just he knows and 0:13:15.880 --> 0:13:17.840 the memory and the places that he goes and the 0:13:17.840 --> 0:13:20.280 things that he does and whatever he knows where it is. 0:13:21.160 --> 0:13:23.400 But there's not a lot of people that would encounter 0:13:23.520 --> 0:13:26.520 in day to day that would have any idea of that. 0:13:26.640 --> 0:13:29.040 And that's kind of what bugs me. It's like, And 0:13:29.120 --> 0:13:32.439 I know it's challenging because when you're non verbal, that's 0:13:32.440 --> 0:13:36.440 how we communicate. But it's almost a matter of with 0:13:36.800 --> 0:13:39.320 all these individuals, like finding what the thing is that 0:13:39.480 --> 0:13:54.920 makes them tick. When you're parenting a child with special needs, 0:13:55.080 --> 0:13:58.000 the highs are high and the lows are really low. 0:13:58.960 --> 0:14:04.040 High performance sport isn't much different. Because I love the Olympics. 0:14:04.320 --> 0:14:08.440 But I watched the footage of the twenty twelve and 0:14:08.520 --> 0:14:11.640 twenty sixteen one last night and tear it up again, 0:14:12.400 --> 0:14:14.679 and I said to my husband, I know this, it 0:14:14.720 --> 0:14:17.880 is twelve years old, and I know what happens. I 0:14:17.960 --> 0:14:21.720 know they win, and yet still I'm nervous. And it's 0:14:22.320 --> 0:14:25.480 I think it's because you've done all this work for 0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:29.360 this moment. You're behind for the first five hundred meters 0:14:29.400 --> 0:14:29.840 or something. 0:14:30.560 --> 0:14:34.000 Marry Anne Bond, So they would be the favorites, but 0:14:34.240 --> 0:14:37.160 there's work to be done yet out there on the lake. 0:14:37.920 --> 0:14:41.400 How do you not just kind of lose it? How 0:14:41.400 --> 0:14:43.240 do you not let that little voice in your head 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:45.760 go oh no, oh, no, oh yeah. 0:14:46.160 --> 0:14:49.160 It is all about preparation, right and. 0:14:49.240 --> 0:14:51.160 Just knowing that, Okay, if we put the work in, 0:14:51.240 --> 0:14:54.720 we've done the times, then all you can realistically, and 0:14:55.160 --> 0:14:56.920 I know people love the whole one hundred and ten 0:14:56.960 --> 0:15:00.920 percent at high performance level doesn't happen, you know, very 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:03.520 very seldom are your breaking records, you know, that sort 0:15:03.560 --> 0:15:06.160 of thing. And if they are, they're getting beaten just slightly, 0:15:06.880 --> 0:15:08.200 and that's one hundred percent. 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:12.960 And it will be gold for New Zealand, for Eric 0:15:13.080 --> 0:15:14.880 Marray and Hateishpond. 0:15:16.080 --> 0:15:18.760 Confidence on the other side is like, as long as 0:15:18.800 --> 0:15:21.400 we do what we've been practicing, and it might not 0:15:21.480 --> 0:15:23.880 be perfect, and there might be curve balls and there 0:15:23.960 --> 0:15:26.080 might be differences in the race or whatever, but as 0:15:26.080 --> 0:15:28.680 long as we do that hand on art, if we 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:30.840 had lost, I would have been like, we're going to 0:15:30.880 --> 0:15:33.160 have done anymore. So that's why when you ever hear 0:15:33.160 --> 0:15:35.160 people going yet train being going real god, you know, 0:15:35.280 --> 0:15:38.600 you'll be like, we're on And that's the key to it. 0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:40.760 It's not a secret, not a secret. 0:15:40.400 --> 0:15:40.640 I know. 0:15:40.840 --> 0:15:43.560 But so then I'm thinking, you do the mental preparation 0:15:43.720 --> 0:15:48.680 is so extensive. So then does that filter into real life? 0:15:49.120 --> 0:15:49.360 Ah? 0:15:49.520 --> 0:15:54.280 Yeah, I had enough learning and understanding from psychology and 0:15:54.400 --> 0:15:58.240 sports that I could take into like I guess the 0:15:58.280 --> 0:16:02.160 psychology around Zach and everything because it is because you 0:16:02.240 --> 0:16:06.760 just sit there going why me, this is terrible? You 0:16:06.840 --> 0:16:10.160 don't see any advancement or you're like is this ever 0:16:10.240 --> 0:16:12.400 going to be? Is this ever going to get better? 0:16:13.240 --> 0:16:19.120 That's all down to that acceptance understanding that this is 0:16:19.160 --> 0:16:20.920 what life's going to be like for your child. 0:16:22.680 --> 0:16:26.200 For Eric, the acceptance part came pretty quickly, but so 0:16:26.400 --> 0:16:32.160 many parents, myself included, tried desperately, manically almost to fix 0:16:32.280 --> 0:16:36.440 the problem and we end up burning out. Like Eric said, 0:16:36.480 --> 0:16:39.080 there is no one hundred and ten percent, not as 0:16:39.080 --> 0:16:42.680 an Olympian or as the parent of a child with neurodifferences, 0:16:43.240 --> 0:16:44.360 but there is preparation. 0:16:45.600 --> 0:16:47.680 I was very quickly like what am I going to 0:16:47.720 --> 0:16:49.080 do for his future? Right? 0:16:49.160 --> 0:16:53.240 And so looking at plan A, Plan B, Plan C, 0:16:53.440 --> 0:16:56.840 and then it all whatever. But I was like, how 0:16:56.880 --> 0:16:58.720 can I get him to be in a safe place 0:16:58.760 --> 0:17:00.680 by the time he's eighteen? At the end of the day, 0:17:00.680 --> 0:17:03.800 you're trying to control the controllables, right, because that's all 0:17:03.840 --> 0:17:07.120 you can do. You know this, write everything down what 0:17:07.119 --> 0:17:10.440 can I can control and what can't I control, and. 0:17:10.400 --> 0:17:12.359 Just to deal with those because that stuff there is. 0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:14.760 Irrelevant, right, And you're just like, can I deal with 0:17:14.800 --> 0:17:16.359 the toileting or the eating or this? 0:17:16.520 --> 0:17:17.440 Yes? Yes, yes. 0:17:17.880 --> 0:17:19.399 What you're doing is you're just trying to make a 0:17:19.400 --> 0:17:22.199 safe environment. So that's a controllable right, nothing around that 0:17:22.240 --> 0:17:23.959 he can throw or do or whatever. 0:17:24.280 --> 0:17:26.640 And that's my norm. And so it's just then finding 0:17:26.640 --> 0:17:29.480 out when when do you relax? When do you do this? 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:33.960 And it's and it's navigating society and having to pay 0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:35.520 your bills right and the. 0:17:35.520 --> 0:17:36.600 Work and stuff like that. 0:17:36.880 --> 0:17:42.200 Positively, it was has always been about making Zach safe. 0:17:42.680 --> 0:17:45.960 Its steps your energy, though, doesn't it And you're always thinking. 0:17:45.760 --> 0:17:48.760 On your feet because the fact is that he will 0:17:48.800 --> 0:17:52.240 need that, he will need our support for as long 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:54.960 as we're around, right, we can't just be like gratulator, 0:17:55.000 --> 0:17:56.360 is that you go live here for a while, right, 0:17:56.400 --> 0:17:59.680 And yes, if he got to an extreme case, which 0:18:00.040 --> 0:18:01.879 I'm not going to let happen, I'll do everything I'm 0:18:01.920 --> 0:18:04.520 i power to make sure that didn't happen. He will 0:18:04.560 --> 0:18:06.960 get to a point where he will still need full 0:18:07.000 --> 0:18:08.920 time care. But I'm not going to be around forever, 0:18:09.480 --> 0:18:09.760 you know. 0:18:09.880 --> 0:18:12.800 And that's the hard part is that's what a lot 0:18:12.800 --> 0:18:13.600 of people worry about. 0:18:13.600 --> 0:18:16.800 It's like, what's going to happen when they had eighteen? 0:18:17.640 --> 0:18:19.920 What's going to happen when I can't look after them anymore? 0:18:21.080 --> 0:18:22.919 These are all the questions that you think about for 0:18:22.960 --> 0:18:26.520 the future. And I know we have to think about that, 0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:27.640 that lengths of time out. 0:18:28.920 --> 0:18:32.280 It's something most parents don't have to consider, but it 0:18:32.320 --> 0:18:34.480 weighs very heavily on the minds of those who know 0:18:34.600 --> 0:18:38.920 their children will always need help. In fact, it consumes them. 0:18:39.400 --> 0:18:41.960 It is something that is why the stress is so 0:18:42.040 --> 0:18:45.240 much higher, I think, especially when you're parenting somebody with 0:18:45.359 --> 0:18:46.000 higher needs. 0:18:46.880 --> 0:18:51.000 Asia Middleton is a behavior specialist at the Support service Explore. 0:18:51.640 --> 0:18:54.560 She hears these kind of concerns every day from the 0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:58.240 far no she works with. It's one she's grappled with herself. 0:18:58.640 --> 0:19:01.119 Is the parent of a non speaking autistic child. 0:19:02.480 --> 0:19:05.320 Well, I apologize ahead of time if I have to 0:19:05.400 --> 0:19:07.440 jump up my son's home from school, so he's going 0:19:07.440 --> 0:19:17.040 to run occasionally run through. He might be loud. That's fine, okay, Sorry, 0:19:17.040 --> 0:19:19.240 He's six foot three and one hundred and thirty kilos 0:19:19.640 --> 0:19:23.199 at fifteen. So if you can imagine that kind of 0:19:23.240 --> 0:19:25.239 running through your house, my whole house shapes. We live 0:19:25.280 --> 0:19:27.480 in the country, so neighbors don't get afforded. 0:19:28.080 --> 0:19:32.440 But yeah, it's yeah, I know, that's all good. Aysia 0:19:32.600 --> 0:19:34.880 is a real asset to the families she works with 0:19:35.400 --> 0:19:37.840 because she's dealt with the same fears herself. 0:19:38.600 --> 0:19:41.600 This idea of will they be able to live independently? 0:19:41.680 --> 0:19:43.680 Will they need support? But you have to think about 0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:45.720 those things earlier. But you can get bogged down in 0:19:45.760 --> 0:19:48.800 the oh my gosh, when I die, what is that 0:19:48.800 --> 0:19:51.000 going to look like? And I think getting really strong 0:19:51.160 --> 0:19:54.840 ties in your community, having people who know your child, 0:19:54.920 --> 0:19:57.480 who understand. So we do have to kind of look 0:19:57.480 --> 0:20:00.160 at our personal work out what makes them tick, how 0:20:00.200 --> 0:20:02.639 do they work. And for the non verbal or the 0:20:02.760 --> 0:20:06.119 minimally verbal, that can be quite tricky. 0:20:06.160 --> 0:20:08.359 You just don't know his emotion because he's not verbal. 0:20:08.720 --> 0:20:11.280