WEBVTT - Anna Muller: Let's try just one more time 0:00:00.920 --> 0:00:02.600 The ziti In podcast Network. 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:05.040 It took me. 0:00:05.160 --> 0:00:09.200 A while to realize that I wasn't happy, and I 0:00:09.280 --> 0:00:11.440 was very blind to that. He looked at me and 0:00:11.480 --> 0:00:15.120 he said, one more time. Let's just try one more time. 0:00:15.920 --> 0:00:18.079 It's not always going to be this way, and you 0:00:18.239 --> 0:00:20.600 have to stick around to see that through. 0:00:22.200 --> 0:00:25.680 Hey, guys, welcome back to another episode of Hope Is Real, 0:00:25.720 --> 0:00:28.440 the podcast. The podcast designed to help you feel a 0:00:28.440 --> 0:00:31.360 little less alone, a bit more inspired, and of course 0:00:31.560 --> 0:00:34.400 a lot more hopeful. Now, today's guest is one that 0:00:35.000 --> 0:00:36.839 I know that I always say this that I'm very 0:00:36.880 --> 0:00:39.080 excited about it, but it's because it's very true, and 0:00:39.120 --> 0:00:41.680 I'm very excited about every single guest, but this one. 0:00:42.360 --> 0:00:44.760 This person is one of my closest friends. It's someone 0:00:44.760 --> 0:00:47.200 that I met on TikTok. If you're on TikTok, you've 0:00:47.240 --> 0:00:52.240 probably seen this person before. Anna Muller. Anna's story went 0:00:52.360 --> 0:00:55.160 viral last year. I think it was a story of 0:00:55.160 --> 0:00:59.960 a paramedic that saved Anna's life when they were struggling 0:01:00.080 --> 0:01:02.800 at their worst kind of point, at the point of 0:01:02.880 --> 0:01:06.480 not wanting to be here anymore. And it tells the 0:01:06.520 --> 0:01:09.399 crazy story that led up to that moment and everything 0:01:09.440 --> 0:01:12.240 that has happened since Anna went through a divorce, got 0:01:12.480 --> 0:01:16.480 diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and then decided to share all 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:20.520 of these struggles publicly in order to try and help people. 0:01:20.560 --> 0:01:23.000 And Anna, like I said, is one of one of 0:01:23.040 --> 0:01:25.160 my best friends at someone that I met on on 0:01:25.200 --> 0:01:27.800 social media, which I know don't talk to strangers on 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:30.720 social media, but this is one that worked out. We've 0:01:30.720 --> 0:01:34.280 been able to travel together. We have a thing of 0:01:34.360 --> 0:01:37.240 going to horror nights on Halloween. I don't know why, 0:01:37.319 --> 0:01:40.000 I'm terrified at all times, but we do it and 0:01:40.040 --> 0:01:43.600 we're going again this year, of course. But this episode 0:01:43.800 --> 0:01:46.959 is one that Anna is so raw and is so 0:01:47.200 --> 0:01:51.520 real about the struggles that they faced, everything that they 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:54.440 went through, and also just the reality of what it 0:01:54.560 --> 0:01:57.040 is to live with mental illness, to live in a 0:01:57.120 --> 0:02:01.800 survival mechanism, to live kind of constantly on edge. But 0:02:02.320 --> 0:02:06.080 the bravery that Anna has shown the ability to tell 0:02:06.120 --> 0:02:09.800 the story in such a beautiful and meaningful way. And 0:02:09.840 --> 0:02:11.960 I will, of course, as always, put a trigger warning 0:02:12.000 --> 0:02:16.160 on this episode. Anna does talk about suicide attempts by 0:02:16.200 --> 0:02:19.080 Paula and all of that kind of thing, So please, 0:02:19.120 --> 0:02:21.200 as always, if you need to take a break, come 0:02:21.240 --> 0:02:24.079 back to it, call it text to help line, a friend, 0:02:24.080 --> 0:02:27.240 a family member. You are not in this alone, but 0:02:27.320 --> 0:02:36.160 Anna's story is coming up right after this. Anna, Welcome 0:02:36.160 --> 0:02:39.240 to Hope It through the podcast. Oh my goodness, it 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:42.200 has been a minute. We've been trying to get you 0:02:42.240 --> 0:02:44.680 on since season one and then season two, and now 0:02:44.720 --> 0:02:46.480 here we are season three. 0:02:46.440 --> 0:02:49.360 And you'll meet it only two seasons later. But we 0:02:49.480 --> 0:02:50.760 met it will. 0:02:50.880 --> 0:02:53.760 I think our calendars just consistently we're clashing. 0:02:53.560 --> 0:02:56.200 But I know they were just like we're not working together. 0:02:56.560 --> 0:02:58.600 But I'm glad that this is happening now because we 0:02:58.680 --> 0:03:02.280 can talk about before I get into literally anything else 0:03:02.480 --> 0:03:07.760 in this episode. Major news. You have a ring on 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:13.079 your finger. You are engaged. Yeah, yeah, what the heck? 0:03:13.560 --> 0:03:18.440 I need to tell everybody because I think that Cameron 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:23.359 has set like a standard that everyone should be following 0:03:23.400 --> 0:03:27.600 to the point that he messaged me asking for permission, 0:03:28.080 --> 0:03:30.320 like me, your friend on the other side of the world, 0:03:30.400 --> 0:03:33.400 asking for permission and being like I assume you're okay 0:03:33.440 --> 0:03:39.000 with this, Like if I propose to Anna, and I'm like, yes, yes. 0:03:39.720 --> 0:03:42.440 It was the hardest secret I've had to keep, Like 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:46.800 I just, oh my goodness. But we will talk about 0:03:46.840 --> 0:03:50.560 that soon because I've got so many questions and there's 0:03:50.600 --> 0:03:53.040 so many stories that will go into it. But first 0:03:53.080 --> 0:03:56.000 of all, let's just literally start all the way back 0:03:56.040 --> 0:04:01.160 to where we met. Social media it's a big thing. 0:04:02.440 --> 0:04:04.360 And I remember starting to see you on my TikTok 0:04:04.440 --> 0:04:08.000 and being like this person's cool and following you. But 0:04:08.440 --> 0:04:14.080 you had seen girl on the bridge before social media, right, yeah. 0:04:13.880 --> 0:04:16.160 Before I was even online, Like I was not doing 0:04:16.200 --> 0:04:17.000 anything online. 0:04:18.080 --> 0:04:21.920 That's wild. And then you join TikTok. What made you 0:04:22.000 --> 0:04:22.599 join TikTok? 0:04:25.920 --> 0:04:28.920 Not the way most people would think. I like, when 0:04:28.920 --> 0:04:31.719 I joined, I was going through it. I was in 0:04:31.760 --> 0:04:34.000 a very rough space. I think it was shortly after 0:04:34.040 --> 0:04:37.160 I came out of the hospital, actually, and I was 0:04:37.320 --> 0:04:40.880 so frustrated with like the mental health, like how that 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:42.240 was portrayed in media. 0:04:42.000 --> 0:04:43.719 Which like not really at all. 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:48.000 So I literally just set up my phone and recorded 0:04:48.040 --> 0:04:50.680 during my mental breakdowns and just talked to my camera 0:04:50.920 --> 0:04:52.560 and but. 0:04:52.560 --> 0:04:54.680 We're like, wait, this is me. 0:04:55.000 --> 0:04:57.560 I'm also having a breakdown over this, like I'm not alone, 0:04:57.600 --> 0:05:00.000 And so it started really crazy like that, but then. 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:04.279 Turn into a whole different thing. 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:07.360 And I'm so grateful that you did because it meant 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:09.919 that we got to meet. I can't remember who slid 0:05:09.960 --> 0:05:12.520 into whose dms, but there was some form of DM 0:05:12.600 --> 0:05:13.679 sliding that happened. 0:05:14.560 --> 0:05:15.520 I don't remember either. 0:05:16.080 --> 0:05:18.560 I just I remember the first time we met was 0:05:18.600 --> 0:05:21.480 in La. Was it yes? 0:05:22.680 --> 0:05:24.160 La? Yeah? 0:05:24.760 --> 0:05:28.479 It was La. It was La La. And then we 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:30.960 went to New York and then we did LA again. 0:05:31.040 --> 0:05:32.960 We have the tendency to be going to horror nights, 0:05:33.160 --> 0:05:37.640 which is our favorite thing to do. I love horror nights. 0:05:37.680 --> 0:05:40.200 There's much footage of both of us just losing it 0:05:40.279 --> 0:05:42.760 and you nearly breaking my hand, and some of the 0:05:42.800 --> 0:05:44.080 horror houses. 0:05:44.040 --> 0:05:45.600 And knocking us to the floor. 0:05:46.200 --> 0:05:46.440 Yeah. 0:05:46.440 --> 0:05:49.159 Well, because we're small as well, and so these massive 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:52.120 guys with the chainsaws were just like bloody chase us 0:05:52.160 --> 0:05:54.760 around all the time and leave everyone else alone, just 0:05:54.800 --> 0:05:57.400 be following us through. It was terrifying, and yet we 0:05:57.560 --> 0:05:59.520 just kept going back because. 0:06:00.120 --> 0:06:05.680 Cursed feel good scary said something about us. I. 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:08.960 Yeah, but it's not think about that too much. You 0:06:09.040 --> 0:06:09.800 can't overthink that. 0:06:11.320 --> 0:06:11.520 Hey. 0:06:11.640 --> 0:06:15.480 I obviously your story is has been widely known online. 0:06:15.480 --> 0:06:17.800 You've been very very open about it and the things 0:06:17.800 --> 0:06:19.880 that you've been through. But I would love to kind 0:06:19.880 --> 0:06:24.120 of go right back to the start, what was your childhood? 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:28.279 Like, Oh, that's a question. 0:06:28.720 --> 0:06:32.880 And I say that because there's so much duality in it. 0:06:32.960 --> 0:06:36.440 I had so many great moments in my very young 0:06:36.520 --> 0:06:38.919 childhood that I remember and I loved, I'm very grateful for, 0:06:39.040 --> 0:06:42.200 but I had so many painful ones, and unfortunately those 0:06:42.240 --> 0:06:45.800 ones to go out a lot more and a lot 0:06:45.839 --> 0:06:47.640 of us. I actually didn't realize until I went to 0:06:47.680 --> 0:06:52.159 therapy and processed everything that happened in my childhood, and 0:06:52.160 --> 0:06:56.159 I was like, okay, so everything adds up. You know, 0:06:56.160 --> 0:06:58.520 I was a kid who had normal kid behaviors. I 0:06:58.640 --> 0:07:03.880 was a kid. The issue was it was mishandled and 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:09.039 I was failed in a lot of ways. And I 0:07:09.080 --> 0:07:12.080 think at six I saw my first psychiatrists really just 0:07:12.120 --> 0:07:16.520 from behavioral issues. But again they were more behavioral issues 0:07:16.560 --> 0:07:21.880 because I wasn't being helped. I was very misunderstood and 0:07:21.880 --> 0:07:25.440 I wasn't being seen. And I remember I actually recently 0:07:25.520 --> 0:07:29.600 found those files from my psychiatrist when I was six, 0:07:30.840 --> 0:07:33.800 never got to read them before until now, and I 0:07:33.840 --> 0:07:37.800 remember reading them and the psychiatrist describing me at that time, 0:07:38.040 --> 0:07:41.040 and he said, you know, he described me as anxious, 0:07:41.440 --> 0:07:46.560 which I knew, but He also said I had learned helplessness, 0:07:47.160 --> 0:07:50.240 which shook me because. 0:07:50.000 --> 0:07:51.640 I don't know how a six year old has. 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:57.760 Learned helplessness, and I really had to like look into that, 0:07:57.840 --> 0:08:02.360 and basically, it's like, you go into so many difficult, 0:08:02.400 --> 0:08:05.600 stressful events where you don't have control and you don't 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:09.040 have a voice and you can't help yourself or it's 0:08:09.040 --> 0:08:11.600 being taken away from you, that you under you start 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:16.800 to understand that it's not worth trying, like there's no 0:08:17.080 --> 0:08:19.320 point in trying, so you just stop. 0:08:20.960 --> 0:08:24.040 And that was in your files at six years old. 0:08:25.160 --> 0:08:32.880 Yeah, wow, yeah, that's that is not even something I 0:08:32.880 --> 0:08:34.559 can comprehend that as a six year old. 0:08:34.600 --> 0:08:39.240 A professional can sit you down and you are presenting 0:08:39.360 --> 0:08:43.080 so much in a way that that is what they 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:44.360 are seeing, right, this? 0:08:45.120 --> 0:08:45.559 What that? 0:08:46.160 --> 0:08:47.680 So what do you think you were kind of like 0:08:47.800 --> 0:08:52.200 early signs were that there were behaviors, that things weren't 0:08:52.440 --> 0:08:54.559 quite okay. 0:08:57.000 --> 0:09:02.520 I really struggled academically, and that was noticed as soon as. 0:09:02.360 --> 0:09:04.360 I entered school, you know, first grade. 0:09:04.440 --> 0:09:08.680 I was getting help academically, and that really wasn't because 0:09:09.000 --> 0:09:11.720 I wasn't trying or not understand these concepts. I just 0:09:11.800 --> 0:09:15.600 learned outside of the academic box, which is common. 0:09:15.320 --> 0:09:16.000 For a lot of people. 0:09:16.080 --> 0:09:18.600 I didn't learn the standard way, and I really struggled 0:09:18.600 --> 0:09:24.280 to conform to that, and that's where help was pushed 0:09:24.320 --> 0:09:28.480 onto me in a way that made it was good intent, 0:09:28.679 --> 0:09:32.120 but it made me understand myself as broken and something 0:09:32.200 --> 0:09:35.840 needed to be fixed. So things really started going downhill, 0:09:36.080 --> 0:09:38.280 I would say third grade and then just kind of 0:09:39.400 --> 0:09:42.400 I feel like intensified up until my early twenties. 0:09:43.920 --> 0:09:48.640 Do you remember like a key moment when you realized, like, 0:09:49.000 --> 0:09:53.520 I'm not I'm not normal and comparable you know what 0:09:53.840 --> 0:09:56.640 even normal is where you realized that your brain was 0:09:56.679 --> 0:09:59.320 working differently to your peers. Was it like a key 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:00.760 moment that stands out to you for that? 0:10:05.160 --> 0:10:08.280 I would say it was sometime closer to third grade 0:10:08.320 --> 0:10:11.040 as well. I was being pulled out of the classrooms 0:10:11.080 --> 0:10:15.200 a lot. I was seeing different kinds of therapists like 0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:19.120 speech pathologists, I was seeing tutors. I was having people 0:10:19.160 --> 0:10:23.720 come into the classroom to be there to support me. 0:10:23.960 --> 0:10:27.120 I'm again, I'm sure it was good, intense, but I 0:10:27.200 --> 0:10:29.839 was seeing all these different services that were being given 0:10:29.880 --> 0:10:33.559 to me, and I would made me feel so different, 0:10:33.840 --> 0:10:36.000 And that was really when it sunk into my brain. 0:10:36.080 --> 0:10:39.080 I was like, I'm different, and not a positive way. 0:10:40.240 --> 0:10:42.680 What impact did that have on your teenage years? 0:10:44.720 --> 0:10:49.400 A huge one, A huge one, And I like get 0:10:49.480 --> 0:10:51.800 so frustrated looking back because I was like, there were 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:53.840 so many things that could have been done differently to 0:10:53.880 --> 0:11:02.040 prevent what happened after that, you know it that kind 0:11:02.080 --> 0:11:08.200 of translated into bullying later on, and then trauma. It 0:11:08.280 --> 0:11:12.760 was like a mesh of just really horrible events all 0:11:12.800 --> 0:11:15.600 at the same time. I remember I was like thirteen, 0:11:16.840 --> 0:11:21.679 so that was my first sexual assault at thirteen, and 0:11:21.720 --> 0:11:23.719 that's when again. 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:26.959 I say it's bullying, but it's very hard for me to. 0:11:28.679 --> 0:11:31.160 Describe it that way because sometimes you think of bullying 0:11:31.160 --> 0:11:33.640 and you think of people just saying mean things or 0:11:34.760 --> 0:11:38.880 making you feel bad, And for me, it was, you know, 0:11:38.920 --> 0:11:41.520 people were coming to my home and destroying it. We 0:11:41.559 --> 0:11:44.440 had the police at my home frequently. I was getting 0:11:44.520 --> 0:11:47.080 death threats, I was getting suicide encouragements. 0:11:47.200 --> 0:11:47.680 It was. 0:11:49.080 --> 0:11:52.880 That really really messed me up, and I was very 0:11:53.000 --> 0:11:57.360 very unwell. So as I was, I turned into a 0:11:57.360 --> 0:12:02.559 teenage addict essentially, like I had so much, so many 0:12:02.640 --> 0:12:07.600 distortions about myself and genuinely believed I was a broken, horrible, 0:12:08.480 --> 0:12:12.640 horrible person who was not loved, and I, as a 0:12:12.679 --> 0:12:15.880 young teen, I couldn't tolerate it. I didn't know what 0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:18.200 to do with that I had. I never learned those 0:12:18.240 --> 0:12:24.320 coping skills or how to regulate that. So drugs were 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:27.439 the only thing that were there to make me feel like, 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:29.640 okay for a minute. 0:12:30.120 --> 0:12:33.000 How old were you when you first had your first substance? 0:12:34.000 --> 0:12:34.480 Thirteen? 0:12:35.559 --> 0:12:36.199 Wow? 0:12:37.200 --> 0:12:41.640 Thirteen years old. If you could talk to the people 0:12:41.720 --> 0:12:44.680 that were sending you those death threats encouraging you to 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:47.719 take your own life now, at the age that you're at, 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:50.599 if you could face them head on, what would you 0:12:50.600 --> 0:12:51.120 say to them. 0:12:52.280 --> 0:12:55.360 I'm not angry, I think that's the thing. 0:12:57.400 --> 0:13:04.520 I feel bad that they were in a place that 0:13:04.559 --> 0:13:07.679 they were able to be so cruel to someone else, right, 0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:10.960 because you think of people who do cruel things to 0:13:11.040 --> 0:13:18.920 others and are hateful, and those things were taught, you know, like, 0:13:18.960 --> 0:13:21.640 people don't just come out of the womb being mean. 0:13:24.240 --> 0:13:26.200 I wasn't always that way. I was angry for a 0:13:26.240 --> 0:13:29.200 long time, but that was also very toxic to me, 0:13:29.280 --> 0:13:33.280 and I just I feel bad for them that they 0:13:33.320 --> 0:13:35.120 were in a place where something happened to them that 0:13:36.720 --> 0:13:40.120 they were there and that's kind of how that resulted 0:13:40.200 --> 0:13:43.200 for them. But it took a lot of a lot 0:13:43.240 --> 0:13:45.640 of therapy for me to get to a place where 0:13:45.679 --> 0:13:49.240 I'm not angry anymore. 0:13:49.760 --> 0:13:53.320 The maturity in that is phenomenal. I think, you know, 0:13:53.360 --> 0:13:56.040 I spend a lot of my time with high school students, 0:13:56.080 --> 0:13:58.240 and the message that we always put out is that 0:13:58.400 --> 0:14:01.360 usually bullies have a bigger bully in their life and 0:14:01.400 --> 0:14:03.839 that's what makes them feel like it's an okay or 0:14:03.840 --> 0:14:07.720 an appropriate behavior. And to get to a place where, 0:14:07.800 --> 0:14:12.000 even though the impact it had on you literally nearly 0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:14.960 cost you your life, alongside a whole bunch of other things, 0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:19.080 to be in a position of understanding that the common 0:14:19.120 --> 0:14:21.920 saying of her people hurt people is something that's so 0:14:22.000 --> 0:14:24.680 different to just hear the sentence and then to actually 0:14:24.840 --> 0:14:27.240 believe it and to walk with that and to have 0:14:27.280 --> 0:14:31.760 that kind of forgiveness almost is a completely different thing. 0:14:31.960 --> 0:14:35.920 And like I know that you know your teenage years 0:14:36.560 --> 0:14:39.320 very kind of similar but very different as well to mine. 0:14:40.120 --> 0:14:44.560 Of realizing that it was so different to what a 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:48.200 lot of people grew up with. And I used to 0:14:48.240 --> 0:14:52.600 get so jealous of, like other people just living their 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:56.120 best lives and like going on family holidays or waking 0:14:56.200 --> 0:14:59.320 up and being happy and being like, why can't I 0:14:59.440 --> 0:15:04.920 have that? When you started using substances, did you feel 0:15:04.960 --> 0:15:08.480 like that was like helping you escape what was going 0:15:08.520 --> 0:15:09.920 on in your head? 0:15:12.080 --> 0:15:18.160 Very temporarily? It never lasted, if anything. I mean, alcohols 0:15:18.200 --> 0:15:22.840 are depressent. It that one, that one really spiraled me. 0:15:24.160 --> 0:15:28.400 It was super temporary, and I immediately like bounced back 0:15:28.400 --> 0:15:32.040 into my other mental spirals, you know, it just and 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:35.360 that translated to so many other mental health things where 0:15:35.640 --> 0:15:38.120 you know, I was engaging in other behaviors like self 0:15:38.120 --> 0:15:43.040 harm behaviors and then I was just in the hospital often. 0:15:44.120 --> 0:15:50.240 So like, yes, it took the edge off momentarily, but 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:52.200 it never lasted. 0:15:52.640 --> 0:15:54.000 It never lasted for long. 0:15:55.160 --> 0:15:59.320 Did that obviously? When you started at thirteen and then 0:15:59.400 --> 0:16:01.520 kind of went through or teenage years, were you starting 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:05.120 to try and experiment with different kinds of drugs as 0:16:05.120 --> 0:16:05.840 you were going on? 0:16:07.080 --> 0:16:10.440 Yeah, yeah, so it's like at thirteen I had my 0:16:10.440 --> 0:16:14.000 first drink, But actually alcohol never ended up being something 0:16:14.000 --> 0:16:17.760 I had an issue with, which is funny, especially now 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:22.280 when I say I'm sober, people associate sober with alcohol 0:16:22.320 --> 0:16:25.640 when really what happened for me was I quickly went 0:16:25.680 --> 0:16:28.480 to things that were harder because I that wasn't enough. 0:16:29.200 --> 0:16:32.640 So I did that, and then I did start experimenting 0:16:32.720 --> 0:16:37.240 with really anything I could get my hands on. But 0:16:37.360 --> 0:16:41.800 I did have very specific like drugs of choice that 0:16:41.920 --> 0:16:44.320 I fell into more so than others, and those kind 0:16:44.360 --> 0:16:46.320 of like became my normal. 0:16:47.160 --> 0:16:49.640 What do you think you could say to people to help, 0:16:50.680 --> 0:16:53.800 especially like family and friends of people who are addicts, 0:16:54.320 --> 0:16:59.960 to understand how those behaviors and reliance on substance can form, 0:17:00.160 --> 0:17:03.680 because I think that society has already kind of boxed 0:17:03.960 --> 0:17:07.200 addicts into being one thing. But no one is born 0:17:07.440 --> 0:17:09.800 and goes, I'm going to do this one day and 0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:12.440 like that. It's just not that's not in the human nature, right, 0:17:12.480 --> 0:17:15.760 Like that's something that has come from needing an escape 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:17.840 or needing to feel something else. Like what would you 0:17:17.920 --> 0:17:21.000 say to people who do are in that kind of 0:17:21.000 --> 0:17:24.520 more judgmental phase and don't yet understand how someone could 0:17:24.560 --> 0:17:25.760 get to that point. 0:17:26.720 --> 0:17:31.200 Yeah, I think it's really important to know that no one, 0:17:31.359 --> 0:17:33.080 like like you said, no one wakes up and it's 0:17:33.080 --> 0:17:36.560 like I want to be an addict. You know, for 0:17:36.680 --> 0:17:41.480 some people it can start with experimenting with you know, 0:17:41.760 --> 0:17:45.600 it does happen with kids who are in middle school, 0:17:45.720 --> 0:17:48.080 high school. You know, drugs are around, drugs are prevalent. 0:17:48.400 --> 0:17:52.920 Some kids try it here and there, but a lot 0:17:52.960 --> 0:17:55.720 of times with addicts is they seek it out as 0:17:55.760 --> 0:18:00.639 a way to cope with pain. That's why typically you know, 0:18:00.680 --> 0:18:03.399 when you see an addict, they have like a typically 0:18:03.440 --> 0:18:06.679 a dual diagnosis right where they have they're an addict, 0:18:06.800 --> 0:18:12.320 but they also have depression, anxiety, bipolar, huge amounts of 0:18:12.359 --> 0:18:18.480 trauma PTSD, like these things coexist so frequently that it's 0:18:18.520 --> 0:18:24.399 not people don't quite understand with addicts that these are 0:18:24.480 --> 0:18:27.840 people who are really really hurting and they're not being 0:18:27.920 --> 0:18:34.480 resistant to be mean or to be difficult. They genuinely 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:39.520 that's their way of handling things, and most of it 0:18:39.560 --> 0:18:43.439 comes from huge, huge amounts of pain and really not 0:18:43.560 --> 0:18:44.880 knowing where to place it. 0:18:47.000 --> 0:18:51.199 Do you or you've been very open online about getting 0:18:51.240 --> 0:18:56.520 diagnosed with bipolar, do you remember kind of what the 0:18:56.680 --> 0:18:59.879 process of that was. Were you diagnosed differently before you 0:19:00.240 --> 0:19:02.600 got the bipolar diagnosis, because I know that that can 0:19:02.640 --> 0:19:06.879 often manifest in ways that might mimic other mental illnesses. 0:19:07.640 --> 0:19:10.199 What was your process of getting that diagnosis, and then 0:19:10.280 --> 0:19:15.040 how did it feel when you did get that diagnosis. 0:19:15.320 --> 0:19:18.600 I didn't get that diagnosis until I was twenty six, 0:19:18.720 --> 0:19:24.399 twenty seven, but I can absolutely pinpoint when it really started, 0:19:24.400 --> 0:19:27.920 and I was twenty two, so I got it much later. 0:19:28.600 --> 0:19:30.880 And I never got misdiagnosed for anything that was never 0:19:30.920 --> 0:19:33.560 even on my radar. I didn't even think about that. 0:19:34.320 --> 0:19:39.840 So getting diagnosed was I mean, it was a difficult reality, 0:19:39.960 --> 0:19:43.399 but also a big relief in a way because it 0:19:43.440 --> 0:19:47.159 made so much sense, Like it made me understand that 0:19:47.200 --> 0:19:52.399 I wasn't like a crazy person. I had something that 0:19:52.520 --> 0:19:55.600 was impacting me that explained why I was behaving the 0:19:55.640 --> 0:19:58.560 way I was, because it was so confusing, you know, 0:19:58.640 --> 0:20:00.080 when I would come out of these episodes, it was 0:20:00.400 --> 0:20:01.680 like that. 0:20:01.880 --> 0:20:04.360 Like that wasn't me. I don't know how that happened. 0:20:04.800 --> 0:20:07.280 So there was a lot of relief that came with 0:20:07.320 --> 0:20:10.600 it because I could treat it. It was treatable and 0:20:10.640 --> 0:20:16.080 I could help myself, and that took such a whet. 0:20:15.640 --> 0:20:16.119 Off of me. 0:20:17.880 --> 0:20:21.520 Yeah, I fully understand that. I felt like I felt 0:20:21.520 --> 0:20:25.400 similar when I got the ADHD diagnosis of going, oh 0:20:25.400 --> 0:20:27.399 my gosh, all of these things that I thought was 0:20:27.520 --> 0:20:31.480 just like wrong with who I am. It's just an illness, 0:20:31.760 --> 0:20:35.800 like my inability to reach out and remember that people 0:20:35.920 --> 0:20:38.960 exist if they're not in my everyday world, or forgetting 0:20:38.960 --> 0:20:41.239 everything and never finishing tasks like I was like, oh 0:20:41.280 --> 0:20:44.280 my gosh, this makes so much sense. And obviously you 0:20:44.560 --> 0:20:47.600 went through so much in your early years and then 0:20:47.640 --> 0:20:50.160 your teenage years, and then you got married, and then 0:20:50.160 --> 0:20:56.159 you had a kid, and then you imploded your whole life, 0:20:56.800 --> 0:21:02.080 and you did so on the internet so that everyone 0:21:02.119 --> 0:21:05.840 could see it. Can you tell the people that are 0:21:05.880 --> 0:21:08.480 listening that maybe have not heard the story before, or 0:21:08.480 --> 0:21:12.119 maybe haven't seen it on social media. You get married, 0:21:12.240 --> 0:21:16.640 you have a kid, what happens? 0:21:17.880 --> 0:21:18.040 You know? 0:21:18.160 --> 0:21:20.160 I did the I did the marriage thing, I did 0:21:20.160 --> 0:21:26.040 the kid thing, and it took me a while to 0:21:26.119 --> 0:21:29.879 realize that I wasn't happy, and I was very blind 0:21:29.920 --> 0:21:32.040 to that for a long time. 0:21:32.720 --> 0:21:32.959 You know. 0:21:33.160 --> 0:21:36.760 I developed postform depressions soon after I had my son, 0:21:36.920 --> 0:21:40.919 so that I'm sure contributed to how unhappy I was. 0:21:41.680 --> 0:21:45.360 But I remember. 0:21:45.080 --> 0:21:51.159 I almost nightly had to go on drives for hours 0:21:51.160 --> 0:21:53.960 at a time. I would drive by myself, really late 0:21:53.960 --> 0:21:56.160 at night, and it was the only way I could 0:21:56.240 --> 0:21:57.480 prevent panic attacks. 0:21:57.760 --> 0:21:59.000 I was so tired of suffering. 0:21:59.119 --> 0:22:01.040 I was so tired of upbringing that I stopped it 0:22:01.040 --> 0:22:07.480 in the most drastic way I possibly could, which essentially 0:22:07.680 --> 0:22:12.639 was asking for a divorce. I moved back into my 0:22:12.800 --> 0:22:15.560 parents with my son. I came out to everyone of 0:22:15.640 --> 0:22:19.159 the same day because I kind of had to. I 0:22:19.240 --> 0:22:24.160 quit my job. I had nothing, I'd have a cent 0:22:24.240 --> 0:22:28.520 to my name. I just left and that, even though 0:22:28.560 --> 0:22:31.000 I had nothing and there was so much loss with that, 0:22:32.240 --> 0:22:34.960 at least I was alive, Like that was my win. 0:22:35.400 --> 0:22:40.760 At least I'm alive and the most terrifying thing I've 0:22:40.760 --> 0:22:43.359 done and the most painful thing I've done, but looking 0:22:43.400 --> 0:22:46.840 back into hindsight, like I would have a hundred percent 0:22:46.920 --> 0:22:47.760 do it all over again. 0:22:52.200 --> 0:22:57.240 There's a story that has gone so viral online every 0:22:57.320 --> 0:23:01.000 time that you've told it, and I think it's so 0:23:01.080 --> 0:23:04.080 impactful because it resonates with so many people. And you 0:23:04.240 --> 0:23:07.240 obviously you were in this process of like you said, 0:23:07.320 --> 0:23:09.600 you were going to these intersections you I mean, you 0:23:09.760 --> 0:23:13.720 just so blatantly said that it was either imploded your 0:23:13.720 --> 0:23:16.480 life or you were going to die, which is such 0:23:16.480 --> 0:23:20.560 a massive, massive statement and I think is just shows 0:23:20.600 --> 0:23:24.680 how much pain you were in this this viral story 0:23:24.720 --> 0:23:28.520 that you've told for maybe people who haven't heard it before. 0:23:30.000 --> 0:23:33.520 Was this something that happened before you? Basically I keep 0:23:33.520 --> 0:23:35.960 saying imploded your life because that's the phrase that you've 0:23:35.960 --> 0:23:39.560 seen online before you before you did that or was 0:23:39.560 --> 0:23:40.360