WEBVTT - Sara Chatwin: The balance between authoritative and authoritarian parenting 0:00:05.761 --> 0:00:09.321 You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talk 0:00:09.401 --> 0:00:10.401 SEDB and. 0:00:10.361 --> 0:00:12.521 Welcome back to the Weekend Collective. Of course that's very 0:00:12.561 --> 0:00:17.321 serene music from my producer Tire there it's lulled me 0:00:17.361 --> 0:00:20.761 into this false sense of security. I don't know why anyway, 0:00:20.761 --> 0:00:22.921 Welcome back to the show. My name is Tim Beverges, 0:00:23.001 --> 0:00:25.281 is a Weekend Collective and this is the Parents Squad. 0:00:25.281 --> 0:00:26.721 If you missed any of our previous hours at one 0:00:26.801 --> 0:00:29.521 we've radio show and a fun panel with Joe mccarell 0:00:29.641 --> 0:00:33.161 and Brad Olson, you can check out the podcast look 0:00:33.201 --> 0:00:36.681 for The Weekend Collective on iHeartRadio. But right now, continuing 0:00:36.761 --> 0:00:39.281 the action, it is the Parents Squad. Of My guest 0:00:39.481 --> 0:00:43.801 is Sarah Chatwen, and I describe you best as well. 0:00:43.841 --> 0:00:45.881 For one, I get it Sarah rather than Sarah. 0:00:45.921 --> 0:00:46.281 Thank you. 0:00:46.601 --> 0:00:52.281 As a psycho psychologist, yes, I get muddled up with 0:00:52.361 --> 0:00:55.001 psychotherapists and psychologists. I think I wrote down the wrong thing. 0:00:55.081 --> 0:00:58.081 Yeah. So we don't medicate. We just listen and talk. 0:00:58.121 --> 0:01:01.281 We set up some strategies. We talk people through little 0:01:01.321 --> 0:01:03.641 bits and bobs in their life. We also don't necessarily 0:01:03.681 --> 0:01:07.281 always talk about negative stuff. We talk about motivation plans 0:01:07.921 --> 0:01:10.641 and all of these things to create a nice, positive 0:01:10.721 --> 0:01:13.481 little space for people to exist in. So I'm a psychologist. 0:01:13.481 --> 0:01:13.841 There you go. 0:01:14.281 --> 0:01:17.481 Fantastic. Hey, look and we're talking about we're talking about parenting, 0:01:17.481 --> 0:01:20.801 of course, because this is the parent squad and actually 0:01:20.841 --> 0:01:23.841 the question around authorities of parenting. 0:01:24.321 --> 0:01:25.321 Yeah, and. 0:01:26.721 --> 0:01:28.521 I guess you can go right from the whole tiger 0:01:28.561 --> 0:01:29.281 mum type of thing. 0:01:29.961 --> 0:01:33.081 Right, So many types as helicopters. There's lawnmowers. 0:01:33.241 --> 0:01:36.521 We've got let's it was, I know, what's the list 0:01:37.401 --> 0:01:38.961 cliches the helicopter parent. 0:01:39.001 --> 0:01:42.401 There's the helicopter which has been replaced by the lawnmower. 0:01:42.441 --> 0:01:44.681 You know, that's the lawn mark. Well, that's even more 0:01:44.761 --> 0:01:47.961 high intensity in terms of you know, running right over 0:01:48.001 --> 0:01:52.081 your children with your ideas and your So I guess 0:01:52.521 --> 0:01:55.321 if we're talking parenting styles, we have the permissive parent 0:01:55.361 --> 0:01:59.841 that is very you know, almost overly flexible, with no rules. 0:01:59.641 --> 0:02:01.521 In regulation the age of the careers. 0:02:01.681 --> 0:02:03.601 That's right, we might have a few of those amongst 0:02:03.641 --> 0:02:06.761 the permissive parents. Then we have the authoritative that falls 0:02:06.801 --> 0:02:10.041 somewhere in the middle of you know, being quite flexible, 0:02:10.321 --> 0:02:14.161 favorit firm. Probably the parenting style that I think is 0:02:14.241 --> 0:02:17.561 quite nice and works for a lot of families. And 0:02:17.601 --> 0:02:21.481 then you have the authoritarian who is you know, has 0:02:21.521 --> 0:02:24.241 a very fixed view of what children should do and 0:02:24.281 --> 0:02:27.201 what they should bring, and you know rules and regulations 0:02:27.201 --> 0:02:30.241 that are very inflexible, so you know there are a 0:02:30.241 --> 0:02:31.921 certain amount of parents that parent that way too. 0:02:32.361 --> 0:02:34.921 I guess the broader question and what your calls on 0:02:34.961 --> 0:02:37.761 this is how did you decide your style of parenting? 0:02:38.001 --> 0:02:40.161 Was it something that just came naturally to you because 0:02:40.481 --> 0:02:43.561 you felt you were comfortable with the stance you were taking, 0:02:43.561 --> 0:02:45.641 Whether it would be to be the completely authoritative I 0:02:45.681 --> 0:02:48.921 haven't heard the lawn my parent. That's fantastic, But how 0:02:48.921 --> 0:02:51.001 did you make your decision? If you're listening, we'd love 0:02:51.041 --> 0:02:52.801 to hear from you on on what sort of parent 0:02:53.361 --> 0:02:56.081 you wanted to be or are you dying to know 0:02:56.161 --> 0:03:00.481 what the optim should be? Because is I hesitate to 0:03:00.521 --> 0:03:03.281 think that there is an optimum way of parenting because. 0:03:03.161 --> 0:03:05.041 We're all very different, all different. 0:03:05.121 --> 0:03:07.161 We're all different, and your kids are different. 0:03:07.121 --> 0:03:09.001 And there's no bible. I mean, if there was a 0:03:09.041 --> 0:03:12.401 parenting bible that you know, come down handed down through 0:03:12.441 --> 0:03:14.361 the generations, maybe we might have a bit of a 0:03:14.361 --> 0:03:17.001 plan but I guess part of the answer to that 0:03:17.121 --> 0:03:19.801 question for a lot of people will be that they 0:03:19.881 --> 0:03:25.081 parent similarly or differently to their parents. They've taken some 0:03:25.161 --> 0:03:27.921 of that role modeling and they've worked with it, and 0:03:27.961 --> 0:03:31.481 then they have read around, looked around, asked questions, been 0:03:31.521 --> 0:03:35.241 and talk to people like myself, psychologists, counselors. But there 0:03:35.281 --> 0:03:38.161 are a lot of you know, areas and avenues and 0:03:38.561 --> 0:03:42.881 input sources for parenting styles are there. 0:03:43.161 --> 0:03:47.161 I mean, does your parenting style? Does it depend on 0:03:47.321 --> 0:03:51.401 you or does it depend on your children, because certain 0:03:51.481 --> 0:03:54.921 children will react differently. We all know about kids have 0:03:55.001 --> 0:03:57.721 rebelled against the authoritative parents. And you know, if somebody 0:03:57.761 --> 0:04:00.001 has had a very strict lifestyle and the kids have 0:04:00.001 --> 0:04:01.241 been as soon as they could. 0:04:01.241 --> 0:04:03.241 Leave, get free. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0:04:04.561 --> 0:04:08.201 But then maybe there is a type of personality which 0:04:08.321 --> 0:04:10.641 is okay with an authoritative parent who wants a bit 0:04:10.641 --> 0:04:11.721 of certainty around things. 0:04:11.761 --> 0:04:16.881 But that's the authoritarian parent, the realtori. Yeah, the authoritative 0:04:16.961 --> 0:04:21.921 is more flexorial and we're allowed association. I'm going to 0:04:22.001 --> 0:04:24.401 start calling you a helicopter dad soon. Just be careful. 0:04:26.561 --> 0:04:30.561 I know I'm having you on. No I think that 0:04:31.881 --> 0:04:35.641 you know, say we have three or four children and 0:04:35.801 --> 0:04:36.681 people say, oh. 0:04:36.601 --> 0:04:37.641 You sorry, how many have you got? 0:04:37.801 --> 0:04:40.041 I've got four? Four, I've got four, And I think 0:04:40.081 --> 0:04:44.721 that each one has required a slightly different parenting style 0:04:44.801 --> 0:04:49.481 because you know, there's the genetic makeup, there's experiences, they're 0:04:49.481 --> 0:04:53.561 all different. There are different too, which would change that's right. Yeah, 0:04:53.601 --> 0:04:55.881 And I think that you know how people say, oh, 0:04:55.921 --> 0:04:59.121 you know, I love all of my children exactly the same. 0:04:59.161 --> 0:05:02.201 I'm sure people do. I'm sure that there's equal amounts 0:05:02.201 --> 0:05:05.561 of love for each child. I do think though, parents 0:05:05.601 --> 0:05:10.521 have different relationships with their children. Some children, you know, 0:05:10.681 --> 0:05:13.481 they feel that they're on the same page. Some children 0:05:13.521 --> 0:05:15.961 they feel that, you know, there's a bit of there's 0:05:16.001 --> 0:05:17.441 a bit of push, there's a bit of a rub, 0:05:17.521 --> 0:05:20.041 there's you know, some you know, you might say, oh, 0:05:20.081 --> 0:05:22.361 I'm a Leo and he's Leo with butt heads. So 0:05:22.401 --> 0:05:27.161 there's different personalities and each child has a different experience 0:05:27.241 --> 0:05:29.081 of you as a parent. So there's a lot of 0:05:29.121 --> 0:05:30.081 things that come into account. 0:05:30.201 --> 0:05:34.241 Actually, I think yeah, because maybe it's more a case 0:05:34.281 --> 0:05:37.841 of just what bottom, you know, the authoritarian thing versus 0:05:38.721 --> 0:05:42.801 whatever parent you are, whether a helicopter parent or lawnmar 0:05:42.841 --> 0:05:44.121 I'm still trying to get my head around that. 0:05:44.201 --> 0:05:46.881 I think that's a bit of a stream, isn't it. 0:05:46.881 --> 0:05:49.721 It's but you do need to work out regardless what 0:05:49.761 --> 0:05:52.201 your bottom lines are, I guess because the parents who 0:05:52.721 --> 0:05:55.361 try to be too matey with their kids and. 0:05:56.881 --> 0:06:01.761 Who don't set certain boundaries parameters. Yeah, I get it. Well, 0:06:01.921 --> 0:06:04.721 I don't know whether that ever ends well because it 0:06:04.801 --> 0:06:09.121 might look nice and feel nice at some times, but 0:06:09.241 --> 0:06:11.241 then you get to a point where as a parent, 0:06:11.321 --> 0:06:14.441 you have a responsibility, you have to care, you have 0:06:14.481 --> 0:06:17.601 to guide. You know, we parents are the architects of 0:06:17.641 --> 0:06:20.201 the destiny of their children. So there was there are 0:06:20.241 --> 0:06:24.441 those kind of components to a parent and to parenting, 0:06:24.721 --> 0:06:27.081 and that is why parents are called parents and not mates. 0:06:27.441 --> 0:06:29.961 There are two different words, there are two different roles. 0:06:30.561 --> 0:06:34.921 So the notion of mateship with your children. I do 0:06:35.001 --> 0:06:37.281 think you should be friendly, and I do think there 0:06:37.321 --> 0:06:39.601 should be you know, love and and all of those 0:06:39.761 --> 0:06:42.161 you know, core values involved in the relationship. But at 0:06:42.161 --> 0:06:45.001 some point parents have to guide and it's from the 0:06:45.041 --> 0:06:45.761 get go. Really. 0:06:46.361 --> 0:06:49.921 Yeah, it's interesting because I think I think they're using 0:06:49.921 --> 0:06:53.201 the word friends and mates with your it's just if 0:06:53.241 --> 0:06:55.841 you're looking. I think sometimes people use those words when 0:06:55.841 --> 0:06:59.001 they are looking to define their connection with their kids, 0:06:59.321 --> 0:07:01.761 and that they don't want to be the authoritarian. But 0:07:02.241 --> 0:07:04.601 I mean, if I was to think about it, I 0:07:04.641 --> 0:07:07.241 probably think that more of I want to be a 0:07:07.281 --> 0:07:10.161 companion to them as well. But that's different to being 0:07:10.161 --> 0:07:12.721 a friend. It's like someone who's along for the journey 0:07:12.761 --> 0:07:13.161 with them. 0:07:13.241 --> 0:07:15.681 Well, I think it's more of a nurturing, guiding kind 0:07:15.721 --> 0:07:18.321 of a role, isn't it. If you're walking along the 0:07:18.361 --> 0:07:19.641 same companion type of thing. 0:07:19.681 --> 0:07:21.321 You know you're there to support them when they need it, 0:07:21.361 --> 0:07:23.761 and you're also there to go oop. You know, why 0:07:23.761 --> 0:07:24.641 do you think that went wrong? 0:07:24.681 --> 0:07:27.481 Because, say you have children in your twenties or thirties, 0:07:27.841 --> 0:07:30.961 You've got twenty or thirty more years of experience than 0:07:31.001 --> 0:07:34.721 your children, So you would probably not be a mate. 0:07:34.761 --> 0:07:36.641 You would be a guide. You would have some kind 0:07:36.681 --> 0:07:39.361 of direction in their life. You would be able to 0:07:39.601 --> 0:07:42.801 And I also do empower children in my practice. Empowered 0:07:42.801 --> 0:07:46.481 parents in my practice because they know their children. So 0:07:46.561 --> 0:07:50.681 when you ask about parenting styles, I guess part of 0:07:50.721 --> 0:07:54.361 it is your knowledge of your child and your knowledge 0:07:54.401 --> 0:07:55.441 of what you think they need. 0:07:55.841 --> 0:07:58.521 Well, okay, somebody comes to you, say if somebody is 0:08:00.121 --> 0:08:02.641 a lawnmower parent to find that one for me again, So. 0:08:02.681 --> 0:08:06.001 Lawn mower is when the parent doesn't necessar necessarily hear 0:08:06.321 --> 0:08:08.561 their child. They don't listen to their child, they don't 0:08:08.601 --> 0:08:14.281 hear them. They just give orders and they zoom right 0:08:14.321 --> 0:08:17.281 over the top of their children's choice and all the 0:08:17.281 --> 0:08:19.761 rest of it. If I picked that up in a parent, 0:08:19.841 --> 0:08:21.721 I would say, hey, listen, you know you need to 0:08:21.761 --> 0:08:24.921 think about how you can allow your child to develop 0:08:25.001 --> 0:08:26.281 their own sense of self. 0:08:26.681 --> 0:08:28.961 It also says that they run ahead of their kids 0:08:28.961 --> 0:08:31.001 and mow down any obstacle that their kids are going 0:08:31.041 --> 0:08:31.521 to experience. 0:08:32.121 --> 0:08:32.401 That's all. 0:08:32.681 --> 0:08:35.521 It's extream on top of the helicopters. Yes, yeah, here's 0:08:35.561 --> 0:08:38.881 a problem my daughter is going to encounter. I'm going 0:08:38.921 --> 0:08:41.641 to get rid of it so they don't have any obstacles, 0:08:41.681 --> 0:08:44.961 and so your kids never Well that's a resilience destroying thing, 0:08:45.001 --> 0:08:45.281 isn't it. 0:08:45.721 --> 0:08:49.121 Well it is, But it is also not allowing that 0:08:49.281 --> 0:08:53.321 child to be them to establish their own identity, to 0:08:53.881 --> 0:08:56.521 look at themselves and think, hey, and figure out who 0:08:56.521 --> 0:08:58.241 they are. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. 0:08:58.481 --> 0:09:01.681 So lawn mow appearance go over the top, prevent those 0:09:01.761 --> 0:09:03.881 kind of things happening, which is, you know, a really 0:09:03.961 --> 0:09:07.601 nice thought, but it also impedes that growth process and 0:09:07.641 --> 0:09:10.001 that delineation of self that we all need. 0:09:10.081 --> 0:09:13.481 A modern parents more. And look at the use of 0:09:13.521 --> 0:09:15.401 different terms may irritate you if you're listening, but I 0:09:15.401 --> 0:09:17.561 think it's quite useful just to defining roughly what we're 0:09:17.601 --> 0:09:19.561 talking about. And anyone knows what we think when we're 0:09:19.561 --> 0:09:24.481 talking about a helicopter parent who's always hovering trying, is 0:09:26.641 --> 0:09:28.801 somebody actually looked like, here's a text. Hi, guys, we're 0:09:28.801 --> 0:09:30.961 told by the end laws mainly that we are both 0:09:30.961 --> 0:09:34.401 helicopter parents and too soft and spoil our only child. 0:09:34.761 --> 0:09:37.641 Should we care because honestly, it's not going to change. 0:09:38.321 --> 0:09:43.881 Well, listen, I think anybody outside the parenting zone can 0:09:43.921 --> 0:09:45.521 say whatever the heck they want. At the end of 0:09:45.561 --> 0:09:48.281 the day, parents appearance and they will make the decisions. 0:09:48.441 --> 0:09:50.041 I mean, there are laws about that too, you know. 0:09:50.521 --> 0:09:54.321 You know that so often it's quite handy to listen 0:09:54.401 --> 0:09:56.921 a little bit. But in terms of taking things on board, 0:09:57.401 --> 0:10:00.881 you have to empower yourself as a parent and you know, 0:10:00.881 --> 0:10:03.481 know what the rules and regulations are around your parenting 0:10:03.521 --> 0:10:05.681 style and go with it. And whatever. People will say, well, 0:10:06.041 --> 0:10:07.761 you know, pay a little bit of attention, but if 0:10:07.761 --> 0:10:09.361 it doesn't resonate for you, then that's ours. 0:10:09.441 --> 0:10:11.561 Is helicopter parenting more common? Do you think? I mean, 0:10:11.561 --> 0:10:13.921 we didn't have a description for eight years ago. I 0:10:14.001 --> 0:10:16.281 never heard the expression till it's fifteen twenty years ago. 0:10:16.361 --> 0:10:19.041 Do you know what I think? Sometimes these terms are 0:10:19.441 --> 0:10:21.881 you know, a bit fast and loose. I think people 0:10:22.001 --> 0:10:25.241 throw them at people if perhaps they experience a different 0:10:25.321 --> 0:10:28.161 parenting style from their own, and that can definitely be 0:10:28.281 --> 0:10:31.801 a generational thing, so you know, grandparents versus parents. So 0:10:31.841 --> 0:10:33.401 you've got to be a little bit careful about this 0:10:33.481 --> 0:10:36.681 terminology because people can say whatever they want. It doesn't 0:10:36.681 --> 0:10:40.281 necessarily mean you fit into that category. But I do 0:10:40.321 --> 0:10:43.521 think there are a lot of parents out there that care, certainly, 0:10:43.881 --> 0:10:46.521 you know, in different areas, in different places. But I 0:10:46.561 --> 0:10:49.281 also think that you know, we see a fair amount 0:10:49.281 --> 0:10:52.001 of abuse and neglect with regard to children. We only 0:10:52.001 --> 0:10:54.041 have to read the newspapers to you know, to see 0:10:54.041 --> 0:10:58.161 some horror stories about parenting. So helicopter parenting would probably 0:10:58.201 --> 0:11:01.521 not be my first port of qualifiers to brick back 0:11:01.681 --> 0:11:04.281 something I would say abuse and neglect, But you've got 0:11:04.481 --> 0:11:08.081 those terms again are throwing around, So we've got to 0:11:08.121 --> 0:11:10.041 be a bit careful, you know, how we define people's 0:11:10.081 --> 0:11:10.801 parenting styles. 0:11:11.161 --> 0:11:12.321 Would love to have a calls for me if you 0:11:12.601 --> 0:11:14.001 if you'd like to join the show. I weight one 0:11:14.041 --> 0:11:16.921 hundred eighty ten eighty. Did you actually decide your own 0:11:16.961 --> 0:11:19.761 parenting style or did you just find Oops? I guess 0:11:19.761 --> 0:11:23.041 I'm one of these parents because you just recognize that 0:11:23.041 --> 0:11:26.841 that's what came easy to you. I guess Dave's like 0:11:26.921 --> 0:11:29.761 this text from Dave today on a wet day inside 0:11:29.761 --> 0:11:32.561 with my six year old son. I've been every bloody 0:11:32.561 --> 0:11:34.241 type of parent ha from Dave. 0:11:35.081 --> 0:11:37.001 I'm your Dave Will. He's covering all his bases, inn 0:11:37.081 --> 0:11:37.441 isn't he? 0:11:37.521 --> 0:11:39.161 Yeah, we'd love your cause. I eight one hundred and 0:11:39.161 --> 0:11:41.761 eighty ten and eighty text nine to nine two. That's 0:11:41.761 --> 0:11:45.721 the parent Squad. My guest is psychologist Sarah Chatwin, and 0:11:45.761 --> 0:11:47.521 we'll be back in just a moment. Because one of 0:11:47.521 --> 0:11:49.281 the reasons I've asked what type of parent you are? 0:11:49.761 --> 0:11:52.521 At some stage you've got to let your kids make 0:11:52.561 --> 0:11:54.641 a few more of their own decisions, whether you like 0:11:54.681 --> 0:11:57.641 it or not. But how do you stop teenagers from 0:11:57.681 --> 0:12:01.121 doing stupid stuff. I eight one hundred eighty T and eighty. 0:12:01.161 --> 0:12:04.721 It is nineteen past five News Talks. He'd be welcome 0:12:04.761 --> 0:12:06.201 back to the show. This is the weekend left of 0:12:06.201 --> 0:12:07.601 the Parents Squad. I don't mind telling you. I just 0:12:07.641 --> 0:12:09.921 said to my producer, I said, who's this? This sounds familiar. 0:12:09.961 --> 0:12:10.881 Of course it's Madonna. 0:12:11.521 --> 0:12:14.961 I knew who it was, but yes, thank you very much. 0:12:14.961 --> 0:12:17.721 Good one, Sarah, well done, well done. Look I so 0:12:17.841 --> 0:12:21.081 did I. But you know, sometimes anyway, were talking about 0:12:21.081 --> 0:12:25.121 parenting style. Sarah Chapman is my guest, and quite a 0:12:25.121 --> 0:12:26.961 few texts on this, but are we're going to discuss 0:12:27.001 --> 0:12:30.001 also how you stop your teenager dumb things and also 0:12:30.161 --> 0:12:32.601 choosing your parenting style? Is it just something that comes naturally? 0:12:32.881 --> 0:12:35.721 One person says On the text, Steve says, I liked 0:12:35.761 --> 0:12:37.561 him and think think of myself as a corner man 0:12:37.961 --> 0:12:39.921 and a boxing match for my son. They go out 0:12:39.921 --> 0:12:42.481 in life and fight the rounds, and in between rounds 0:12:42.641 --> 0:12:44.201 they come in and sit on the stool and the 0:12:44.241 --> 0:12:46.321 cornerman comes and gives them advice for the next round 0:12:46.361 --> 0:12:49.121 on parts of the fight they cannot see. I really 0:12:49.201 --> 0:12:51.321 quite like nice. I quite like that analogy. 0:12:51.721 --> 0:12:53.841 I have to go and then come back. And I 0:12:54.001 --> 0:12:57.681 just watched Dana White's UFC documentary, which was an incredible 0:12:58.041 --> 0:13:01.561 so I'm kind of liking that fight analogy. However, I 0:13:01.601 --> 0:13:03.601 think that's of a certain age. So maybe he's talking 0:13:03.641 --> 0:13:07.001 teenagers because you do have to, you know, loosen the 0:13:07.001 --> 0:13:11.721 bonds and let them make their own decisions and choices. 0:13:12.241 --> 0:13:14.881 But I mean, as a parent, you can't just abdicate 0:13:15.161 --> 0:13:19.201 responsibility at you know, X age. You're a parent for 0:13:19.321 --> 0:13:22.081 your whole life and you're their parent for their whole life. 0:13:22.161 --> 0:13:24.161 So the thing about the question around how do you 0:13:24.201 --> 0:13:26.601 stop teenagers from doing stupid things? I don't think you 0:13:26.681 --> 0:13:29.161 can really because it's just going to happen. It's you 0:13:29.601 --> 0:13:32.401 can you prepare them for the teenage years when you 0:13:32.521 --> 0:13:35.521 when they're younger. Really, if you've done no work with 0:13:35.561 --> 0:13:38.161 them for the first twelve years, you're in trouble. You're 0:13:38.201 --> 0:13:38.921 in deep poos. 0:13:39.041 --> 0:13:42.121 Yeah, because as a psychologist, you would you would like 0:13:42.201 --> 0:13:45.601 to think that people, you know, form a relationship with 0:13:45.801 --> 0:13:49.041 children right from the get go so that the pathways 0:13:49.041 --> 0:13:51.161 of communication are open. And I've said this many times, 0:13:51.241 --> 0:13:55.921 those open pathways of communication so that children do not 0:13:56.041 --> 0:13:59.641 fear or regret or just don't come to you. They 0:13:59.801 --> 0:14:01.681 need to feel like they can come to you to 0:14:01.761 --> 0:14:06.561 chat in a way that's non judgmental or invasive, all confrontational. 0:14:07.081 --> 0:14:10.241 And if you have set that structure up from the start, 0:14:11.361 --> 0:14:15.921 and also if you're feeding some really positive, proactive messages 0:14:15.961 --> 0:14:17.921 you know about some of those things that can cause 0:14:17.961 --> 0:14:21.321 concern during the teenage years, then they don't necessarily have 0:14:21.401 --> 0:14:25.601 to make many mistakes or really bad mistakes. I think 0:14:25.641 --> 0:14:28.161 everybody makes mistakes, right, That would be weird if we didn't. 0:14:28.921 --> 0:14:31.121 We don't want to make too many mistakes over and 0:14:31.161 --> 0:14:33.721 over again. That would be pretty silly as well. But 0:14:33.801 --> 0:14:36.761 I think it's the messages. It's the communication. It's the 0:14:36.801 --> 0:14:39.841 pathways that you choose to take with your children that 0:14:39.921 --> 0:14:43.001 sets them up, you know, for a good, for good 0:14:43.001 --> 0:14:45.481 teenage years or for harrowing teenage years. 0:14:45.521 --> 0:14:48.001 Yeah, because I'm not sure who said it, but I 0:14:48.001 --> 0:14:51.081 think it's a line from Ian Grant, who found The 0:14:51.121 --> 0:14:53.561 Parenting Place. But there was think's one of my favorite 0:14:53.641 --> 0:14:57.001 parenting quotes because he was talking about when kids say, look, 0:14:57.241 --> 0:15:00.121 i'm a teenager dad, you know, but out yeah, and 0:15:00.201 --> 0:15:02.681 he the comment he made it was to do with 0:15:02.721 --> 0:15:04.561 the work you do earlier, he says, if you are 0:15:04.601 --> 0:15:08.561 present in your children's lives from an early age, said, 0:15:08.601 --> 0:15:11.761 by the time, it's about that investment earlier on, because 0:15:11.801 --> 0:15:14.801 by the time they're older, you have His expression is 0:15:14.801 --> 0:15:16.481 that it's quite a nice expression. He said, you have 0:15:16.521 --> 0:15:19.361 earned the right to speak into their lives. And I 0:15:19.401 --> 0:15:23.401 think that that does emphasize how important it is to 0:15:23.481 --> 0:15:28.721 be present, yes, from day one, rather than waiting because. 0:15:28.521 --> 0:15:33.121 A lot of available available. Yeah, I think psychologist Sarah 0:15:33.161 --> 0:15:35.001 chat One said that as opposed to in grant thank. 0:15:34.881 --> 0:15:36.921 You very much, that is one of yours as well. 0:15:36.961 --> 0:15:39.001 No, no, I'm sure it was ens He said, some lovely 0:15:39.001 --> 0:15:41.881 stuff and it's brilliant stuff. But I also think that 0:15:41.921 --> 0:15:45.281 there's a you know that availability today. Parents are very busy, 0:15:45.321 --> 0:15:47.801 they're working, they've got a lot on their plate. They 0:15:47.881 --> 0:15:51.001 also have children, and you do need to be accessible 0:15:51.001 --> 0:15:53.521 and available to children because they have questions and if 0:15:53.561 --> 0:15:56.521 they are not asking you questions, then they will be 0:15:56.561 --> 0:15:58.321 doing stuff that you don't know about. If you are 0:15:58.361 --> 0:16:01.681 not communicating, if you are not having the conversations, if 0:16:01.721 --> 0:16:03.921 you are not allowing them to know your thoughts in 0:16:03.961 --> 0:16:09.041 and around subjects that are you know, sometimes hard topics, 0:16:09.121 --> 0:16:11.641 you know, difficult conversations to have with your children. If 0:16:11.681 --> 0:16:14.201 you're not doing that, then you may find that you're 0:16:14.241 --> 0:16:16.481 out of the loop, and you don't necessarily want to 0:16:16.481 --> 0:16:17.801 be out of the loop with your kids. 0:16:18.361 --> 0:16:20.441 Is it more common Do you think that people are 0:16:20.521 --> 0:16:23.921 less available to their kids. It's easy to say, you know, how, 0:16:23.961 --> 0:16:27.721 we have this perception that because both parents are working 0:16:27.721 --> 0:16:31.081 that kids have parents have less time for their kids. 0:16:31.081 --> 0:16:34.001 But I alwayso think of the old family dynamic where 0:16:34.201 --> 0:16:36.201 there'd be one parent at home. Usually mum and dad 0:16:36.201 --> 0:16:38.041 would be out working and he wouldn't be home to look. 0:16:38.241 --> 0:16:40.881 In fact, people are often so I hardly saw my 0:16:40.961 --> 0:16:42.161 dad except on weekends. 0:16:43.041 --> 0:16:46.441 But yes, except that there was the availability of one parent, 0:16:46.521 --> 0:16:49.201 and a lot of the research today, even though there's 0:16:49.201 --> 0:16:50.761 been a lot of research in the past that said, 0:16:50.801 --> 0:16:52.801 you know, we need two parents, we need these families 0:16:52.801 --> 0:16:54.481 and all the rest of it. Well, we love that, 0:16:54.881 --> 0:16:57.601 and that would be lovely, but not everybody has two parents. 0:16:57.761 --> 0:17:01.001 If you have one good parent and somebody who is available, 0:17:01.041 --> 0:17:03.161 whether it's a guardian or a parent or whatever, then 0:17:03.201 --> 0:17:05.401 you have somebody that you can talk to. And now 0:17:05.721 --> 0:17:08.361 with all the mental health issues, the rise and anxiety 0:17:08.641 --> 0:17:12.041 levels and strets and depressive disorders that we see today 0:17:12.081 --> 0:17:15.561 coming through children. Right from the get go. We know 0:17:16.041 --> 0:17:18.521 that they need to talk, they need to communicate, they 0:17:18.561 --> 0:17:22.121 need continuity of care, and they need availability of people 0:17:22.201 --> 0:17:23.081 who fill those roles. 0:17:23.161 --> 0:17:25.281 Why is that with anxiety? Because when you look at 0:17:25.321 --> 0:17:29.721 previous generations, previous generations have been sent through some horrendous stuff. 0:17:29.721 --> 0:17:32.361 Imagine being a teenager during World War two or something. 0:17:32.801 --> 0:17:36.761 And is it the social media aspect of things that causes. 0:17:36.841 --> 0:17:38.921 Well, don't start me on that, TI. You know my 0:17:39.041 --> 0:17:42.081 position on social media. I think it social media. I 0:17:42.241 --> 0:17:45.121 like this analogy. Social media has come into our living 0:17:45.201 --> 0:17:48.681 rooms and sat down on our couch couches and snuggled 0:17:48.721 --> 0:17:51.481 up to us and really given us a false sense 0:17:51.521 --> 0:17:54.961 of security. When you are talking about teenage girls who 0:17:55.001 --> 0:17:58.441 go on to Instagram for twenty to thirty minutes and 0:17:58.561 --> 0:18:03.041 feel three to four times worse about themselves after that, 0:18:03.401 --> 0:18:06.601 after viewing social media Instagram and Facebook, whatever the apps, 0:18:07.081 --> 0:18:10.441 you are talking about something that's very dangerous for children 0:18:10.481 --> 0:18:11.201 and adolescents. 0:18:11.281 --> 0:18:16.801 Yes, okay, I think that was my division in a way, 0:18:16.801 --> 0:18:18.241 but it is. But it is all tired and with 0:18:18.281 --> 0:18:21.041 things in terms of how you change is because the 0:18:21.241 --> 0:18:23.321 question i'd are interially posed about how do you stop 0:18:23.321 --> 0:18:26.721 teenagers from doing stupid things because you're not going to 0:18:26.721 --> 0:18:28.241 be there along for the ride all the time. 0:18:28.361 --> 0:18:29.201 No, absolutely not. 0:18:29.361 --> 0:18:31.961 And so I mean there are certain things you would 0:18:32.001 --> 0:18:34.081 be terrified of your kids doing. So if they're going 0:18:34.081 --> 0:18:35.921 away off they've got their driver's license, and you want 0:18:35.961 --> 0:18:38.081 them to like, I don't want you to text while 0:18:38.081 --> 0:18:40.241 you're driving, and I don't want you to drink too 0:18:40.321 --> 0:18:42.961 much alcohol. I don't want you to be late at 0:18:43.041 --> 0:18:45.041 night on your own in a dangerous place and things. 0:18:45.281 --> 0:18:47.481 But how do you make sure what is the best 0:18:47.521 --> 0:18:50.161 way of ensuring that your kids heed your advice? 0:18:50.561 --> 0:18:53.361 So there's no one hundred percent guarantees, right, There's no 0:18:53.481 --> 0:18:56.681 way that you can make or enforce those things because 0:18:56.681 --> 0:19:00.401 you're just not there. So it is all about messaging. 0:19:00.721 --> 0:19:03.481 It's all about the messages that you send your kids 0:19:03.521 --> 0:19:06.321 from the get go. And this is where parents need 0:19:06.441 --> 0:19:09.721 to think seriously about the task of parenting and really 0:19:09.761 --> 0:19:11.641 need to lean into it. If you find yourself in 0:19:11.641 --> 0:19:14.041 the position of being a parent, lean into it because 0:19:14.401 --> 0:19:16.281 you know these kids are around, hopefully for a very 0:19:16.321 --> 0:19:18.761 long time for longer than we are, right. So it's 0:19:18.801 --> 0:19:22.441