Speaker 1: No third umpire, no rewind, just raw dog commentary. This
Speaker 1: is the alternative commentary collective. Oh thanks to the great
Speaker 1: New Zealanders ad resin.
Speaker 2: I mean, interesting thing to discuss.
Speaker 3: Lee back out and if we're going to get into
Speaker 3: it now is what we do with Tim Saudi on
Speaker 3: his retirement.
Speaker 2: And more importantly, what we do with his seed. Well
Speaker 2: that's right.
Speaker 4: I mean we're saying to micro flame Jerry, that is
Speaker 4: a sense in which the DNA that is contained within
Speaker 4: Tim Saudi, think about how valuable that is. Think about
Speaker 4: how the technology these days creates options that mean we
Speaker 4: could use that DNA.
Speaker 5: His works again bowling to Saudi, two slips and the
Speaker 5: shapes away nicely, but more swing this morning for the
Speaker 5: English bowlers. So far, that was a beautiful delivery from
Speaker 5: what it's full and started off stump shaped away nicely,
Speaker 5: drew south into the shot.
Speaker 3: So we're not suggesting that, you know, he has to
Speaker 3: breed with anyone inarticular, but if we you can just
Speaker 3: milk some of that seed, and if you could give
Speaker 3: some of that seed back to New Zealand cricket, back
Speaker 3: to the game, and then we can do with it
Speaker 3: what we please, whether it's you know, using it to
Speaker 3: create a super baby of some description, a supercricket baby.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 5: What another slipper now, three slips in a galley for
Speaker 5: Wokes bowling to Salia.
Speaker 2: Goes down the track and smashes him down the ground
Speaker 2: for four. There we go. That's the Tim Sauvi that
Speaker 2: we know and love.
Speaker 3: Yeah, a little kind of a little skip down the
Speaker 3: wicket and he got didn't quite get all of it though,
Speaker 3: did he But it's still down to four down in
Speaker 3: mid on.
Speaker 6: Do you think they'll have a target in mind today?
Speaker 3: I mentioned this morning potentially three fifty, I think, just
Speaker 3: as a an arbitrary type target. But during is saying
Speaker 3: this morning, what's the average first thing score at Hagley?
Speaker 5: To eighty seven? Wow, so they've already surpassed that. A
Speaker 5: Smokes comes in again, Boles to Sui. This one shapes
Speaker 5: away again Sow he plays it from the crease to
Speaker 5: gully and there's no run.
Speaker 2: First thing runs always so crucial.
Speaker 4: I often find when we look back at a at
Speaker 4: a Test match loss with New Zealand, oftentimes will say
Speaker 4: we lost it in that first innings. We didn't quite
Speaker 4: score enough runs. And that's always one that comes back
Speaker 4: to haunt us. You can play yourself back into the match,
Speaker 4: but at some point you're going to be how to
Speaker 4: account with your runs. So these runs really are crucial.
Speaker 5: So Howie's fourteen Phillips is forty two ball of the
Speaker 5: overcoming up from Wokes. So Howie again plays from the crees,
Speaker 5: drives it into the gap at cover. I'll just get one,
Speaker 5: so stay on strike for the next over saw. He
Speaker 5: moves to fifteen New Zealand three twenty five for eight.
Speaker 2: Can we still use Sir Richard Hadley's seed? That's a
Speaker 2: good question, is isn't it.
Speaker 5: I did hang out with Sir Richard recently at his
Speaker 5: place in Pegasus and christ Church. I understand he may
Speaker 5: have had a prostrate operation recently. I know he definitely
Speaker 5: has had a couple of hip replacements. Yeah, he's also
Speaker 5: had a little bit of a it's a couple of
Speaker 5: heart issues.
Speaker 2: I feel like he may have had prostate cancer. Yes,
Speaker 2: so maybe not? Okay, how does that work?
Speaker 5: Can you still go into the testes and grab sperm
Speaker 5: from someone who's had prostate cancer?
Speaker 6: I'm pretty sure it's medically possible.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Well, I think consent issues are our biggest problem with
Speaker 4: this ploe guy thinking.
Speaker 5: Well, I think if you can go in and grab
Speaker 5: the sperm, I don't see why he wouldn't be into it,
Speaker 5: to be.
Speaker 4: Honest, really, Yeah, that's your read on him. Yeah, he's
Speaker 4: that kind of guy, I think.
Speaker 2: So that's good for the game. He's cast bowling to Sauvi.
Speaker 5: This is high and there it's pulled away and there's
Speaker 5: a man coming around underneath it from.
Speaker 2: Midwork and that is the end of Saudi.
Speaker 3: Was always gonna be as Innings was always going to
Speaker 3: win like that, wasn't it, backing away and looking to
Speaker 3: hike it over cow corner and falling into the trap.
Speaker 2: There was two men back on the fence.
Speaker 4: Wow, plastic, Tim SOUI, you don't die wondering, and you
Speaker 4: don't wonder for long.
Speaker 5: How many bulls has he how many short balls have
Speaker 5: got him out over the years, Tim Southy.
Speaker 2: Almost as many as he's bold.
Speaker 5: I reckon, So it smashes a four and it's a single,
Speaker 5: and then he's gone. Tim Soudy gone for fifteen New
Speaker 5: Zealand three twenty five for nine.
Speaker 4: So silver Linings, yeap Zippy will blaze. Now this could
Speaker 4: be an interesting phase depending on how long we can
Speaker 4: hold up the other end.
Speaker 2: Willow Rock on his home ground, you can hold a bat.
Speaker 3: Yeah, look willow Rock, He's he's no Chris Martin. No,
Speaker 3: he's not a complete bunny. He has got a bad technique.
Speaker 3: But he'd be looking to feed the strike to Zippy
Speaker 3: from rainbow for sure.
Speaker 4: Poor old Zippy hasn't even had time to get set today.
Speaker 4: Is going to have to blaze immediately. But if anyone
Speaker 4: could do it, it's Glenn Phillips.
Speaker 3: So if you've got going back to Sir Richard, if
Speaker 3: you've got the seed of Sir Richard, and you know
Speaker 3: he consented to have some seed removed.
Speaker 2: Directly from the testing, what would you do with it?
Speaker 4: Well, it's got to go into some kind of secure facility.
Speaker 4: And I'm thinking that New Zealand Cricket needs to invest
Speaker 4: in the facility that's designed to house the seed, the
Speaker 4: DNA of our best players for the future generations. This
Speaker 4: is let's not forget this is the aim of this program.
Speaker 2: We're going to breed the ultimate cricketers.
Speaker 4: We have a we have a reason in New Zealand
Speaker 4: to think about this because we're at a disadvantage.
Speaker 5: It was casponding his first ball to Rourke a pace
Speaker 5: but about nipped off the perch and ro about a
Speaker 5: foot away from it.
Speaker 2: Then we don't have one point five billion people.
Speaker 4: Now it is from we have a base, the factory
Speaker 4: of great cricketers in this country we need to make
Speaker 4: to go. We've got we need to build that factory. Yeah, totally,
Speaker 4: we need to grow it. So some kind of secure facility.
Speaker 4: Maybe maybe all of the seed from all the great
Speaker 4: players goes into one kind of vat and then that's
Speaker 4: used so we never quite know who's who.
Speaker 6: Yeah, right, it's just trying to add a little interest.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 3: So you put Debbie Hockley in there, of course, yep,
Speaker 3: why wouldn't you? But would you do would you go
Speaker 3: more fast bowlers and batsmen? Would you go like a
Speaker 3: leir to Hugh Hugh and a locky Ferguson?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 6: When he stock some genenesis, I think it's cart.
Speaker 2: Steaming into a rock. It's got three slips in a gully.
Speaker 5: It's from shapes away from o'rourkey to go through to
Speaker 5: the keeper.
Speaker 3: Alternatively, you could just put that seed into a smoothie.
Speaker 2: You could do. Could you be making money out of
Speaker 2: that seed. I mean, yeah, like horse spreading. Yeah, I mean.
Speaker 5: If it's Sir Richard's sperm, for example, what would Sir
Speaker 5: Richard's sperm go for.
Speaker 2: It's another revenue stream.
Speaker 4: I mean we do it with animals. Yeah, absolutely, I
Speaker 4: mean it's lucrative.
Speaker 2: Cambridge and Mada matter are built on the seed horses. Yeah.
Speaker 5: I imagine as cast comes in and bolves to a
Speaker 5: rock shortly that's underneath it. I imagine that, particularly on
Speaker 5: the subcontinent, Sir Richard's seed would be incredibly valuable.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, oh absolutely.
Speaker 5: I mean I think you'd be paying upwards of one
Speaker 5: hundred thousand dollars a straw for his sperm.
Speaker 4: I think you might be undervaluing it. I mean really,
Speaker 4: it's there's nothing can replace it, and there's a limited
Speaker 4: window and a limited supply.
Speaker 2: Now we know that.
Speaker 5: So yeah, we need to get Scott Wennick on the phone.
Speaker 5: As cast comes in and this is outside the line
Speaker 5: of the off stump and a rock lets.
Speaker 2: It go through the keeper.
Speaker 3: Well, I mean, in this day and age, you need
Speaker 3: to diversify your commercial opportunities. You need to be doing
Speaker 3: whatever you can to bring in different revenue streams. You
Speaker 3: can't always rely on the broadcast like in.
Speaker 6: The past, and the players can get a cut obvious
Speaker 6: lot total.
Speaker 3: Look we're not saying that they are being chained to
Speaker 3: a bed and they have said seed removed against their will.
Speaker 3: They will get rewarded, significantly rewarded for their contribution.
Speaker 5: Cars again, bonding, Do I rock this again wide outside
Speaker 5: the line of the off stump. Let's it go through
Speaker 5: to the keeper end of the over Rourck's you have
Speaker 5: to score. Phillips is forty two New Zealand three twenty
Speaker 5: five for nine.
Speaker 4: And look, if this crazy program of ours was starting today,
Speaker 4: I would be going directly to the combox down there
Speaker 4: at Hagley and talking to Shane Bond. Yeah, okay, I'll
Speaker 4: be saying, Shane, can you join me in the this cubable.
Speaker 2: I think it needs to be.
Speaker 3: I think you're right, but I think within this factory
Speaker 3: there needs to be pillars. Like so one pillar there
Speaker 3: is Locky ferguson the fucking Marner Express, Shane Bond just
Speaker 3: pure Pace earlier to Hugh Hugh Pace and that is
Speaker 3: the Pace Division, just sending hate mail down a perch.
Speaker 2: That's what we need.
Speaker 3: And then you've got your all rounders. I think there
Speaker 3: should been all round pillar and then you've got your batsman,
Speaker 3: but potentially some super keepers in there, you could, you
Speaker 3: know Ian Smith McCullum edam PERORI.
Speaker 2: Lead him on not so much, but you know you
Speaker 2: get my thinking.
Speaker 3: You know, I think your soup you proposed you're super soup.
Speaker 3: I don't know if that's specific enough. When you're a
Speaker 3: gens you're right.
Speaker 4: Actually, I mean, if we're going to do this, when
Speaker 4: you to do it properly correct and it is science, yes,
Speaker 4: spin but toy.
Speaker 2: I mean some players.
Speaker 5: The other thing is when you start and you sign
Speaker 5: a contract and decide to play for New Zealand Cricket.
Speaker 5: As Fokes comes in and Bolster Phillips is on forty
Speaker 5: two two slips, no Phillips goes forward, miss times a
Speaker 5: drive into the on side, no run, and you sign
Speaker 5: up as a young player. You just sign away some
Speaker 5: maybe rights to your sperm and that makes you a
Speaker 5: more valuable asset to New Zealand Cricket at that point.
Speaker 3: Absolutely so they will develop you as a player as
Speaker 3: a person.
Speaker 5: So you might think, you know your contract central contract
Speaker 5: might be say four hundred thousand dollars. All of a sudden,
Speaker 5: you're looking. You might be five, six, seven, eight hundred
Speaker 5: thousand dollars, depending on how much sperm you can produce.
Speaker 5: You go through those tests because as an ongoing revenue stream.
Speaker 5: As Wokes comes in again, bowls to Phillips, this one
Speaker 5: nips back at him, strikes him on the pad.
Speaker 2: No run, and look we're not You know, your your.
Speaker 5: Revenue potential goes on long over past your playing days.
Speaker 2: This is the great thing about it.
Speaker 3: And look, I mean ethical wise, look we could I
Speaker 3: mean there might be some issues around being alive and
Speaker 3: you having you know, simple versions of yourself running around
Speaker 3: potentially maybe onstead have passed away. That's when we can
Speaker 3: begin the breeding of that particular player.
Speaker 4: I'm seeing some obstacles with Faro and people like that.
Speaker 4: They may have an issue, they may have an interest,
Speaker 4: they may not see the bigger picture.
Speaker 2: It's emotional or big swing and a mess from Phillips.
Speaker 4: But if we got this thing off the ground, Mike Lane, yeah,
Speaker 4: I can see a market like it could be in
Speaker 4: the future that other cricket organizations develop their programs and
Speaker 4: then we could bid. He's the only could say, look,
Speaker 4: we're going to we want some Joe roupe semen.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we could. We could pay a nomenal fee.
Speaker 4: For that, and we could we could trade some of
Speaker 4: our DNA with the DNA of other nations.
Speaker 3: A couple of straws for a couple of straws. There's
Speaker 3: no different than the slave auction of the i PL.
Speaker 3: It's pretty similar. It's basically branding players test looking at
Speaker 3: their teeth.
Speaker 5: Workes and again bowling to Phillips, this is down the
Speaker 5: leg side while take it in the end from Lolly Pope.
Speaker 2: Making sure the gums are healthy, and then putting them
Speaker 2: on the roster.
Speaker 5: Yeah, put them through a medical maybe get Morgan faye
Speaker 5: he fingers faith he just put them through their paces.
Speaker 4: But if we have created the system, we're happening a
Speaker 4: can of worms there, because put aside of the ethical
Speaker 4: issues and the setup and the logistics, we're going to
Speaker 4: have to raise those children. So we can't just breed
Speaker 4: them and set them out to the world and hope
Speaker 4: that its cricketers. We're gonna have to front foot that
Speaker 4: we're gonna have to put them into some kind of academy.
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, well that's all part of the setup, is
Speaker 3: the factory is, you know, from cradle to cricket.
Speaker 2: Yeah, from creatle decrease.
Speaker 5: Again, this is wide down the league side, I would
Speaker 5: say from oley paper though they will scamper through for
Speaker 5: think goodbye from.
Speaker 4: Womb to wicket it'll be it'll be the world's first
Speaker 4: womb to wicket. Schemes are so so ambitious. Elon Musk
Speaker 4: level ambition. Actually, he's a great fan of breeding, says
Speaker 4: we're not breeding enough. Yeah, I'm not trying to do
Speaker 4: it manually in the analog fashion where we're saying, actually,
Speaker 4: we've got a technological solution, boundary pushing commentary with no pets.
Speaker 1: This is the alternative commentary collective. Oh, thanks to the
Speaker 1: great New Zealanders at regime.
Speaker 3: So only whose seed are you taking?
Speaker 7: Well, you know, I'm quite familiar with seed. I've seen
Speaker 7: a lot of my time spraying around.
Speaker 2: You've washed plenty of civilizations down the drain hole.
Speaker 8: Well, yeah, mine and other people's.
Speaker 7: I think it's a good idea to get it all
Speaker 7: out there, of mixing it all up so you don't
Speaker 7: know who's you're getting.
Speaker 2: I think about that. I don't know.
Speaker 3: I don't think that's part of the laser focus that's
Speaker 3: just a little little man soup on a situation.
Speaker 7: I was wondering, should we be targeting us with the
Speaker 7: good asks for even through the covers, the call for
Speaker 7: two from Phillips and they come back for two. I
Speaker 7: was wondering should we be targeting the fathers of these
Speaker 7: players as opposed to the players themselves, because very rarely
Speaker 7: is it the players children go on to be phenoms.
Speaker 7: You know, it doesn't seem to be very common. I
Speaker 7: can't think of too many occasions where father son combo
Speaker 7: the son has been the better player. So I wonder
Speaker 7: if maybe we go to to Southey's dad and we
Speaker 7: get another load from him, ye straw too, and just
Speaker 7: sort of see, yeah, if we can maybe.
Speaker 8: Target some the dirds Williams and stad pets.
Speaker 3: Cast with the good ass and too Phillips and defends
Speaker 3: this back to the bowler. What about what about a
Speaker 3: commentary team? Big who you're looking at in terms of
Speaker 3: you say, say, you know, looking at building the ultimate
Speaker 3: commentary team?
Speaker 8: Seed?
Speaker 7: Yeah, Leehart, obviously you'd want yeah, bit of a seed.
Speaker 7: I think there is some seed around the ACC studio,
Speaker 7: to be honest, scrape to the back of the chairs,
Speaker 7: you might be able to get some off.
Speaker 9: We're not strictly talking acc.
Speaker 3: No, no, no, we're talking like you know Blacaria Keith
Speaker 3: into Henry Blofeld and yeah, Richie you know and too,
Speaker 3: I mean a bit harder to might to exhume him.
Speaker 2: Wow, yees.
Speaker 9: Yeah, I'm sure it's been tried.
Speaker 3: Fifth ball of Cars's nineteenth over and Phillips Philips across
Speaker 3: a stumps and works it out to mid wicket for
Speaker 3: a single.
Speaker 2: So you know Rourke will just have the last ball
Speaker 2: to face.
Speaker 9: I mean, I guess a lot of the great cricket
Speaker 9: has have become commentators, don't they.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well not the.
Speaker 8: Greatest though, not the greatest.
Speaker 9: I mean you don't see Chris Gal behind the.
Speaker 7: Mic, but he's speaking of slinging seed. I'd say there's
Speaker 7: none greater than Chris Gay. Yeah.
Speaker 2: My devalues it though for us really isn't it if
Speaker 2: there's a lot of it out there? Can't really.
Speaker 3: It's like a you know, it's in the Chinese start
Speaker 3: growing golden kiwi fruit illegally.
Speaker 2: It's kind of just brings the supply, demanders and market down.
Speaker 7: I think they're definitely a market for it. Get the
Speaker 7: seed and essentially the egg of some of the female
Speaker 7: cricketers out there and semin at some of the seed
Speaker 7: or potentially get you know mealy Cur's father, get his seed.
Speaker 2: You Robbie Kerr produce some good players.
Speaker 3: Has cast fall straight and fast can straight through willow
Speaker 3: raw and he's gone through a dak.
Speaker 2: New Zealand's innings is over.
Speaker 3: They are bowled all out for three hundred and forty eight.
Speaker 1: No glove just not called broadcasting. This is the alternative commentary.
Speaker 1: Can let you oh thanks to the Greek New Zealanders
Speaker 1: at resume.
Speaker 7: That's promising to see as well. From Saudi the ball
Speaker 7: doing a bit.
Speaker 2: Who would you be? Who would you breed with Saudi?
Speaker 2: Who would you put his seed?
Speaker 7: Well, someone ticks there and I actually do like the
Speaker 7: idea of you know, a Glenn Maxwell type, you know,
Speaker 7: the type of player that you don't traditionally have. I
Speaker 7: was thinking even you know, a Stoliness or someone like this.
Speaker 7: So it would just be very valuable to the current
Speaker 7: New Zealand team.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know, I like Saudi into Crawley. Oh good delivery.
Speaker 3: Just swung away from Crawley head to play it, beat
Speaker 3: the outside edge and threw the cowboy Blundell. That's a
Speaker 3: classic sixy camel delivery.
Speaker 9: So is the idea for a super seed so you
Speaker 9: bring multiple seeds to you that?
Speaker 3: No, no, not necessarily, it's just the seed of a
Speaker 3: player and an egg of a player in breeding an
Speaker 3: ultimate player.
Speaker 2: No, it's not.
Speaker 3: I don't think it's multiple players into a super sed,
Speaker 3: although I'm not sure if it's possible.
Speaker 7: But it's a nature versus nurture conversation as well, because
Speaker 7: do you get.
Speaker 3: A Barrett Saudi and to Polly again and left through
Speaker 3: to the keeper? Yeah, I mean we've talked about the
Speaker 3: cross code breeding. I think maybe that's down the line
Speaker 3: a little bit, and that's I mean, that's like a
Speaker 3: super athlete.
Speaker 2: Really, that could do anything.
Speaker 3: But I think if we just layser focus on cricket,
Speaker 3: we have a very small pool of players as it is,
Speaker 3: so we need to think smarter and.
Speaker 8: Are we forcing them to forner kates?
Speaker 7: O're doing it in a lab, it's all lab.
Speaker 2: Yeah, No, I mean it gets that skin a bit
Speaker 2: of key.
Speaker 8: Otherwise, well not for me.
Speaker 9: Watching is the lab going to be based in Antarctica?
Speaker 2: Thinking christ Church?
Speaker 3: It's now the Becker Hagley Oval there and Saudi on
Speaker 3: the pads of crawl doesn't quite get as much swing
Speaker 3: as time it's excited.
Speaker 7: Well, of course we could use the disabled toilets at
Speaker 7: the Chrishi at the airport. I think they've been known
Speaker 7: to connective bit of seed from high profile athletes over
Speaker 7: the years.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it needs to be quite high security. Honestly,
Speaker 3: it needs to be frozen. We cry genically frozen, so.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they could work.
Speaker 7: It is an interesting experience, you know, producing a specimen.
Speaker 7: I've done it myself and afterwards you go up to
Speaker 7: the counter. It's just a regular sort of you know,
Speaker 7: blood collection clinic.
Speaker 3: Saudi Crawley always swinging a message from Crawley with a
Speaker 3: wide one from Saudian through to the keeper. And yet
Speaker 3: you have to get it there within half an hour
Speaker 3: of making creating the seeds. So you do do that
Speaker 3: at home with what sort of paraphernalia you choose to do,
Speaker 3: that's up to you.
Speaker 7: And then you've got to jump in the car immediately
Speaker 7: and drive down there and drop it off. And you
Speaker 7: walk into the clinic and you know there's blood tests
Speaker 7: going on, there's people going in with all sorts of things,
Speaker 7: and you go over the counter say hey, I'm here
Speaker 7: to drop off my deposit, and then she's like, cool,
Speaker 7: where is it?
Speaker 2: And I'm like, oh, it's in my pocket, you know.
Speaker 8: She's like, well put it show me, and.
Speaker 7: You're like, it's in a sea through bag and a
Speaker 7: little like sea through container.
Speaker 3: Were she disappointed with the volume, as in Come of
Speaker 3: Southy Gain he beats the outside edge just it's good
Speaker 3: stuff from Saudi good first over from him eat the bad.
Speaker 2: A few times.
Speaker 7: Well, no, she wasn't disappointed with the volume, but it's
Speaker 7: the fact that it's just another day at work for her,
Speaker 7: so she's not even worried about at all. But I am,
Speaker 7: and I put it up on the counter and this
Speaker 7: kid's running around. There's genuinely about thirty five people in
Speaker 7: this waiting room, and she started taking my name. You know, hey,
Speaker 7: what's your name? I say, Tony Lyle, you know, quite loud,
Speaker 7: and people are looking around. You're like, oh, yeah, what.
Speaker 2: Are you doing?
Speaker 8: What are you making you deposit for you?
Speaker 2: It's yes, sir, and.
Speaker 7: Yeah, everyone's looking around, looking up and people are just
Speaker 7: eyeballing my JITs and you're kind of like, how would
Speaker 7: you mind taking it off the counter for this conversation.
Speaker 7: That's all I asked is maybe can we discreetly get
Speaker 7: the cup of jazz off the counter?
Speaker 8: And I feel the same of us.
Speaker 7: If I was waiting for a blood test and so
Speaker 7: I walked down with the cubbages and put it on
Speaker 7: the counter, I would want to look at this guy's jizz.
Speaker 9: Yeah, I guess it's easier for guys to make a deposit.
Speaker 9: It's not like we can just go lay an egg.
Speaker 2: Wouldn't that be good?
Speaker 8: Wouldn't it be easier? Probably don't understand how it happens
Speaker 8: from a woman, so.
Speaker 10: Old peace, no projection.
Speaker 1: This is the Alternative Commentary Collective, Paul, thanks.
Speaker 10: To the great New Zealanders at max Ra.
Speaker 3: Talking yesterday briefly, Jeremy and Becker around. Our experiences are
Speaker 3: different experiences at commentary school in the Upper Hut, which
Speaker 3: we all went through and kind of in the early
Speaker 3: two thousands. I was at a couple of years after
Speaker 3: you and Lee Hart, I believe, But who was your
Speaker 3: tutor when you were down there?
Speaker 5: I was very lucky I had Brian Model and Jeremy Coney.
Speaker 2: His scenery comes in again. This is on the hip
Speaker 2: of ducket up beat squearely egg. Yes, I was. I
Speaker 2: felt very privileged to have coney and waddle. It's almost
Speaker 2: like C three po and two D D two.
Speaker 3: You know, I had what was coming in and out
Speaker 3: when I was there, but Ron Snowden was running the
Speaker 3: cutter down then when I.
Speaker 2: Was there, which was interesting.
Speaker 5: He's entry again to duck it, squeers him out, skews
Speaker 5: it out to cover, they'll get a single.
Speaker 3: When you were doing it, did they run a lot
Speaker 3: of simulations, you know, like you had to commentate an
Speaker 3: over while stuff was going on, or they're trying to
Speaker 3: distract you, or you know, different conditions would come along
Speaker 3: with technical difficulties or just distracting. Like Ron Snowden's big
Speaker 3: trick was to run around the studio and the new
Speaker 3: trying to distract you from you calling a an over manage.
Speaker 2: That would be incredibly the same.
Speaker 3: It was very hard, and the in particular was quite
Speaker 3: hard because I had all sorts of wickets boundaries and you
Speaker 3: got Ron Snowden running.
Speaker 5: Around, struck on the pad this time Bethel half shout
Speaker 5: but it's too high, possibly.
Speaker 2: Going down leg. Because it's a fairly intensive course isn't it.
Speaker 3: It's only yearning down there for six months and it's
Speaker 3: immersive every day, seven days a week. You're living in
Speaker 3: a in the kind of the probably say it now
Speaker 3: because it's not around anymore, but it's at the ground
Speaker 3: floor of the Avalon building, the old TV and Z
Speaker 3: building used to be in there, windowless intense six months.
Speaker 5: He's Henry again going to defends down the pitch and run.
Speaker 5: When I was there and I was saying yesterday on
Speaker 5: the commentary, Jeremy Coney and Brian Waddell ran a very
Speaker 5: interesting tutorial around what to put in your mouth and
Speaker 5: what not to put in your mouth when commentating same
Speaker 5: that it's it's really not a good idea to have
Speaker 5: something in your mouth while you were commentating. It's a
Speaker 5: workshop and Brian Model had a part role play with it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a role play.
Speaker 5: Going on between Wadel and Coney around because Henry comes
Speaker 5: in again. It's a good line that I mean, Henry
Speaker 5: just must the off stump. Brian Moddel ended up with
Speaker 5: a part of Jeremy Cony inside his mouth.
Speaker 2: While he tried to commentate.
Speaker 5: While he proved to us that it was impossible to
Speaker 5: commentate yeah, Jeremy.
Speaker 2: Cony certainly seemed to be enjoying that particular role play.
Speaker 2: I didn't get that one. I didn't get that.
Speaker 5: One well with Ron Snowden, if he could do it
Speaker 5: to himself.
Speaker 9: Do you remember the one about deep breathing, like not
Speaker 9: being a heavy breather in the mic?
Speaker 2: Yeah, yep, getting the phone calls.
Speaker 9: At all hours of the night with hivvy breathing and yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: That was good.
Speaker 3: And they try and surprise you, like they wake you
Speaker 3: up at two in the morning and you have had
Speaker 3: any sleep, and they take you down. They make you
Speaker 3: commentate a subcontinent game on no sleep. It's like it's
Speaker 3: almost like the Navy Seals kind of thing. They try
Speaker 3: and break you, whether it's through kind of strange SIXU
Speaker 3: works like you and well you witnessed to just you.
Speaker 2: Know, trying to wear you down.
Speaker 5: We'll put you off, so I'll come back to listen
Speaker 5: a second. Nathan Smith on debut, Who's got the ball?
Speaker 5: Good first class average twenty five point eight five with
Speaker 5: a good stroke rate fifty five. It's played fifty three
Speaker 5: first class matches already, bit of experience there. One hundred
Speaker 5: and forty four wickets.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he would have played Hagley over many many times
Speaker 3: for Wellington.
Speaker 2: Rip since Wellington. It's got a great little moulayana, a
Speaker 2: little bit of.
Speaker 5: A slug, almost an Australian look about him. Here he
Speaker 5: is spoiling to Duckett, who's on thirties, coming around the wicket.
Speaker 5: I like that action, nice and simple locks and then fires.
Speaker 2: Miss Field there from Zealand and go through for the single.
Speaker 3: He actually a little bit douggy Bracewell, a little bit dougy,
Speaker 3: little bit.
Speaker 2: Compact minus the cocaine and drink driving. Well, you don't know, yeah,
Speaker 2: I don't know that that's true. Did you get drug
Speaker 2: tested when you were at commentary school?
Speaker 5: Yeah, they were testing every day, make sure that we
Speaker 5: took drugs.
Speaker 3: That was the hardest for me was the taking of
Speaker 3: the drugs and then the commentary after there. Like I said,
Speaker 3: the simulations and the practicals were difficult.
Speaker 2: Like mushrooms struggled massively under those. His smith to be thought,
Speaker 2: oh that's an absolute ripper.
Speaker 5: Came around to work out it was a bit shorter,
Speaker 5: squared up methought good pace one thirty six k's an hour,
Speaker 5: flew through the keep up it did.
Speaker 2: It was good practice, You've got.
Speaker 5: To say, though, I mean we commentated in some insane states. Yeah,
Speaker 5: and I found that very very useful coming up, especially
Speaker 5: working for the ACC here later on. Nothing was a
Speaker 5: surprise to me after that.
Speaker 9: Yeah, I was having flashbacks of one you were saying,
Speaker 9: you know, getting in quite a state. Just remember sort
Speaker 9: of flashback of just Bulls flying at me and having
Speaker 9: to master the catcher commentary phrase while ducking.
Speaker 5: Bulls's Smith again around the wicket and it goes forward
Speaker 5: and defends no run.
Speaker 2: I remembers.
Speaker 3: The commentating a replay was almost instant dismissal. I didn't
Speaker 3: stand for that at commentary school. I think you got
Speaker 3: one chance and that was it. You commentated a replay,
Speaker 3: you were gone.
Speaker 2: Just had fire.
Speaker 5: And it wasn't easy because you're commentating off a TV screen,
Speaker 5: and I found that difficult, particularly on psychedelics. It's hard
Speaker 5: to know what was present, what was past, what was future?
Speaker 2: Smith again buying to who drives can't beat met on
Speaker 2: no Run?
Speaker 3: What shocked me the most in that six months I
Speaker 3: was in the same intake as Jason Hoyt. He was
Speaker 3: an adult student when I was there, and he ended
Speaker 3: up sleeping with Garth Galloway, who was the other tutor
Speaker 3: when we were there, and it was really off putting
Speaker 3: for most of us that they were in a relationship.
Speaker 3: And I felt like Garth picked on us a little
Speaker 3: bit more than usual, and him and Snowden would get
Speaker 3: up on us. Well, Jason knew was sleeping with him.
Speaker 5: Smith again to Bethel, he pulls this away well over
Speaker 5: the top of midwork at that before was a little
Speaker 5: bit too short and it got a little bit too straight,
Speaker 5: and Bethel just helped it on its way. He moves
Speaker 5: to five in England thirty seven for one. I was
Speaker 5: interested because I heard a bit about this, and I
Speaker 5: believe that the review office I had something to do
Speaker 5: with it too. Oddly enough, Jase failed that year despite
Speaker 5: sleeping with Garth Gilloway, and I've never heard of that before.
Speaker 2: Yeah, something went wrong.
Speaker 5: Is Smith again to Bethel, goes forward solidly defends back
Speaker 5: to the bowler.
Speaker 9: I'm going I guess you were a sets on all
Speaker 9: kinds of performance, though so not necessarily what was happening
Speaker 9: at commentary school which just wasn't up to the job.
Speaker 3: And look, I mean not only was a commentary though,
Speaker 3: but well, a lot of the it was a history
Speaker 3: of the game. And I don't know if you got
Speaker 3: taken down to the basin, and I think you told
Speaker 3: the story a few years ago of the monument at
Speaker 3: the basin and what that's used for and what happens
Speaker 3: at the start of every summer which young commentators are involved.
Speaker 2: In us fall of the over Smith to Bethel. He
Speaker 2: tries to.
Speaker 5: Cut it away and he does so successfully past the
Speaker 5: diving Gally more So spens him over for Smith and
Speaker 5: his first and test cricket goes for ten England forty
Speaker 5: one for one.
Speaker 10: Old Pete no projection.
Speaker 1: This is the alternative commentary Collective, all thanks to the
Speaker 1: great New Zealanders at max ra Well.
Speaker 7: I think the three two three six the photo seeing
Speaker 7: option has been disabled, and rightly so, after being absolutely
Speaker 7: devastated with photos of premiums and.
Speaker 8: Urethras.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we were out doing newporn for a while there.
Speaker 4: In terms of media genitally themed media, you.
Speaker 7: Know it's bad when a create commentary has an AU
Speaker 7: eighteen yes or no button to get in to listen
Speaker 7: to it.
Speaker 5: Smith again, this time to Ducket, right Forard goes Dockett
Speaker 5: plays it into the on side. No run well, I mean,
Speaker 5: don't forget in our first season, I think we had
Speaker 5: the acc Manchina calendar, Yes, and Manjina gated incident not
Speaker 5: too long was that the next season?
Speaker 2: That's the next season though, right, I have.
Speaker 4: There's so many promotions in so many great moments that
Speaker 4: almost into one.
Speaker 2: For me, there was the glass on the ass.
Speaker 7: You know when the Vanagina's isn't just one traversy, there's
Speaker 7: multiple Vagina moments that you're in quite deep.
Speaker 5: Smith again bowing to duck it, who drives and a
Speaker 5: little bit lucky as he drove his hands got away
Speaker 5: from his pad and left a huge gap between Bet
Speaker 5: and paired sick inside age lucky to get away with
Speaker 5: that into the over fifty four for three.
Speaker 4: I sometimes think the Managina was slightly ahead of its time.
Speaker 4: I mean, now I look at it. I look at it.
Speaker 4: I think, in these non binary gender fluidity times, I think, yeah, Managina,
Speaker 4: why not?
Speaker 7: Yeah?
Speaker 8: I think you're right.
Speaker 7: It is incredibly progressive to do a Vanagina at any stage,
Speaker 7: you know, BYO McDonald's restaurant, anything, Jordan's party. Yeah, And
Speaker 7: I do think a question of etiquet when it comes
Speaker 7: to vagina, you get them a taste of both sides.
Speaker 7: So obviously you know, first of all you hit them
Speaker 7: with the front with everything tucked up.
Speaker 8: They want to see that.
Speaker 7: But then also just before you leave, do a one
Speaker 7: eighty pivot, jump up, turn around and just show them
Speaker 7: the back.
Speaker 2: What do you call the back?
Speaker 6: What's the technical term for that?
Speaker 5: Here's that Rourke again, the Stone bowling to Brook. A
Speaker 5: bit of extra bounce from O.
Speaker 2: Rourke. Brook goes forward, who.
Speaker 5: Casually defending thick inside edge up into his body.
Speaker 4: So I'm reliably informed of what you're describing. Tony is
Speaker 4: called the bulldog.
Speaker 8: The bulldog at the back. Yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 7: And can I just say g Lane lead over to
Speaker 7: Lee Baker's ear and whispered that from off the mic.
Speaker 7: And I've never seen g Lane's eyes light up more
Speaker 7: than when remembering the term for the back of a vanagina.
Speaker 5: Okay, here's that Rourk again. This is second noteve He's
Speaker 5: got none for eight so far? Is the Brook is
Speaker 5: on eight short and in the air from Brock through
Speaker 5: the vacant point region and down to the boundary for four.
Speaker 7: And can I ask you something Lee is.
Speaker 8: There anything that requires more conversation.
Speaker 7: If I see someone doing a managina and an incredibly turned.
Speaker 4: On, well it depends on who you think you need
Speaker 4: to have that conversation with.
Speaker 2: With yourself, yeah, with your partner.
Speaker 7: Well, just my friends and fun. I'd imagine I'll send
Speaker 7: them down and listen.
Speaker 4: I think in twenty twenty four, why shouldn't it be
Speaker 4: turned on? I mean, what what's wrong with that?
Speaker 8: That's good to hear, because definitely.
Speaker 5: Am Brooks moved along to twelve or thirteen.
Speaker 2: Here he's facing Punish roe Rock again. Benders back there.
Speaker 5: It's a better line and lengths just outside off stump
Speaker 5: a little bit fuller flies through to Blundell took it
Speaker 5: just above his head.
Speaker 4: But if we're going to do this promptly in twenty
Speaker 4: twenty four, we need a female equip lent to the managina.
Speaker 6: And I'm going to say it's not the vagina.
Speaker 7: Well, could it potentially be, you know, getting a sizzler
Speaker 7: potentially and sort of popping that end, recreating.
Speaker 2: The male version. I'm not sure it's Punisher O'Rourke again too, Brook.
Speaker 5: He beats him outside the line of the off stump
Speaker 5: as brook just goes forward and tries to prod it
Speaker 5: with soft hands fifty eight for three England.
Speaker 7: This requires some investigation. Yeah, it could be too blunt
Speaker 7: and option some interrogation.
Speaker 6: This concept the female Managina.
Speaker 8: As it's the woman Gina leave it would beat.
Speaker 2: The weeners.
Speaker 7: Well, be wrong and call it a buffalo bill. I
Speaker 7: mean he was sort of my instruction to the Vagina.
Speaker 7: I think Buffalo Bill was the best time m I've
Speaker 7: seen one.
Speaker 1: The common jermmy that makes even top balls sound good.
Speaker 1: This is the alternative commentary collective.
Speaker 10: Oh, thanks to the great New Zealanders.
Speaker 11: Add Max rath Tex machine back up and running. It
Speaker 11: went down for a chunk of.
Speaker 2: The last.
Speaker 3: Haven't seen photos, so just that you know, otherwise you
Speaker 3: crash itto.
Speaker 7: Yeah, Well, to be fairly, Bacer did request photos of
Speaker 7: Managina's and I imagine.
Speaker 8: That's red rag to a ball there.
Speaker 3: I think the worst, the worst one we ever did,
Speaker 3: funny lie was brown eyed Broom.
Speaker 2: Yeah, by Broom.
Speaker 3: Every time Neil Broom scored a boundary, people sending photos
Speaker 3: of their brown eyes.
Speaker 2: So it comes.
Speaker 3: Soudy to Brook, it's wide and stuffs again and he's
Speaker 3: through the keeper and then you got a hundred, and
Speaker 3: we got absolutely flooded with rusty sherifspages.
Speaker 7: Well, I don't want to lower the tone here too
Speaker 7: much on the broadcast, but have you a brown eyed
Speaker 7: yourself in the mirror. It's genuinely one of the more
Speaker 7: harrowing things you could ever do.
Speaker 2: Well, how do you do that?
Speaker 7: You sort of duck over a full length mirror and
Speaker 7: brown eye look between your legs?
Speaker 2: Why did what made you? What made you want to
Speaker 2: do this?
Speaker 8: You know you just gotta have a look at these
Speaker 8: things sometimes, don't you.
Speaker 7: And it'll shock you in a very core. You don't
Speaker 7: know what you're capable of. And you see it.
Speaker 8: You look right into the eye of sour on and
Speaker 8: you do you worried about? Were you worried about something?
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm soudy into brock Brook. That cuts this one.
Speaker 2: And did sweeper turned back to you when you put
Speaker 2: the ring on your finger.
Speaker 8: Oh, I did do on the ring and it felt
Speaker 8: like a turn in visible.
Speaker 11: But you were saying that the mirror was on the
Speaker 11: ceiling of your bedroom and you had to do your
Speaker 11: must the head stand.
Speaker 2: You roll onto the shoulders.
Speaker 8: I didn't get up onto the shoulders on the shoulder blades.
Speaker 8: Actually the best way to do it.
Speaker 7: You sort of seat actually right down your buttthole and
Speaker 7: out of the urethra, no like a periscope.
Speaker 8: Get the angle just right. The mirror is sort of
Speaker 8: a line and sometimes.
Speaker 2: So worry about what you get up to on your
Speaker 2: own any laugh you're doing a set of curiosity, is Saudi, Well,
Speaker 2: it's a good delivery. Just sneaks between bat and pad
Speaker 2: and just dribbles past the leg.
Speaker 3: Stump, hence the cry from the slip cordant.
Speaker 7: That's the thing the Bigges stand up comedian Glane is
Speaker 7: you know, I work in the nighttime and so got
Speaker 7: eight hours a day when what's at work and the
Speaker 7: kids are in daycare?
Speaker 8: And a pass those hours somehow?
Speaker 2: Did you often just the often just nude most of
Speaker 2: the day.
Speaker 8: Most of the day, yep, sort of seeing what your
Speaker 8: body is capable of.
Speaker 2: And so are you.
Speaker 11: Looking at your own reflection in the ceiling mirror and
Speaker 11: then it's looping around out the urethra into presumably a
Speaker 11: mirror on the wall, just the.
Speaker 8: One mirror so to see a glinter light at the
Speaker 8: end of the.
Speaker 2: Tunnel Saudi Tip Brock.
Speaker 1: The common Jenny. That makes even top balls sound good.
Speaker 1: This is the alternative commentary collective.
Speaker 10: Oh, thanks to the great New Zealanders at Max Rath.
Speaker 3: So does it go for Tony Lower Heart, Upper Haut
Speaker 3: or is it anything north of the Tony Upper Hut?
Speaker 2: Only lower up Hut?
Speaker 3: To believe rock into Pope, Pope back and across and
Speaker 3: defends to wide mid On.
Speaker 2: So I believe there's some conjecture around where Avalon is.
Speaker 12: Yes, the Avalon building is in lower Hut, not upper Hut.
Speaker 2: Where's the where's the border? No?
Speaker 3: I don't know, but Middle Heart I guess? Or yes,
Speaker 3: just hat was it Royal Wellington golf Course? Is that
Speaker 3: no man's land between lower and Upper Hut? What's the
Speaker 3: Hut valley?
Speaker 8: I think Upper Heart? I could be wrong. It has
Speaker 8: the best value golf membership of the country.
Speaker 2: Then comes O Rourke to Pope.
Speaker 3: He wants to ramp this over the keeper's head, but
Speaker 3: it's nothing on it. Well, it's the home of Brewetown
Speaker 3: as well out there in the upper Hut.
Speaker 2: No, that's a lower Hut, is it?
Speaker 1: Sure?
Speaker 2: Okay, it's the Heart valley?
Speaker 8: And where's Stokes Valley?
Speaker 2: Then?
Speaker 8: And there's someone here.
Speaker 2: Where Stokes Valley is Is it lower or upper? Is
Speaker 2: it in the valley? Is it in the valley?
Speaker 8: And the grill isn't it amongst it? Sprinkled in.
Speaker 2: From a memory of the silver stream bridges the gap.
Speaker 8: Yeah, it sounds about right. I believe it.
Speaker 3: O'rourkean to Pope, Pope back and defense to mid On again.
Speaker 7: But I do love someone texting in to let us
Speaker 7: know I've made a mistake. We've got an official complaint
Speaker 7: at Radio Hodeck. You filling in on the weekend. When
Speaker 7: I said that Coldplay were all in their sixties, sort
Speaker 7: of just saying they were old. I wasn't help man
Speaker 7: dating them exactly. I was just saying, you know, there
Speaker 7: are guys in their sixties and they're putting on a
Speaker 7: hell of a show. And someone complained, They.
Speaker 8: Said, these are you know, he's only forty eight.
Speaker 7: This is an accurate Someone needs to tell this broadcaster.
Speaker 2: And we had a bit of trouble when we are
Speaker 2: we age shamed Chris Harris.
Speaker 3: Oh, it's a short delivery, good take though by a Blundell, and.
Speaker 8: Pope's at full full splender here on the ground.
Speaker 7: He's splayed open like a butterfly chicken.
Speaker 2: Brewtown.
Speaker 11: Sorry correction, Fellas is in the Upper Hut. Ah, yes,
Speaker 11: stick that in your ass. As is the Royal Wellington
Speaker 11: Golf Club.
Speaker 7: Okay, he's ended up in a bit of a slut
Speaker 7: drop there, olipope.
Speaker 3: Oh, he got himself in an awkward position, didn't he
Speaker 3: because he went to rampant and it kept following his mask.
Speaker 2: Jeez. Sorry, And just one more text. Brewtown is an
Speaker 2: upper Hut. I was right.
Speaker 3: He was not my confidence around the Hut valley there
Speaker 3: and I was unsure Joe Jury yelling at me.
Speaker 2: Now it's a lower Hut, so Brewtown.
Speaker 3: It's probably the best in Upper Hut. Next to the speedway.
Speaker 2: Someone else's texting Lower Heart's and Upper Hut.
Speaker 3: Speedway is quite good in the Upper Hut valley.
Speaker 2: The speed yes way up the Hut valley. Yep.
Speaker 11: Stokes Valley is a valley off the side of Lower
Speaker 11: Hut pretty close to Upper Hut. They're all Bogenhavens. Jesus Christ.
Speaker 3: There comes O'Rourke into brook back and defense and they
Speaker 3: just grinding New Zealand down here.
Speaker 2: That's the end of Rook's eleventh.
Speaker 3: He's one for fifty one and forty six overs gone
Speaker 3: England one hundred and eighty seven for four. They trailed
Speaker 3: by one hundred and sixty one.
Speaker 11: Just showing us multiple dropped catchers. The second session has
Speaker 11: seen ships sort of steady a little bit.
Speaker 2: For England.
Speaker 11: Forty six over is gone and Jesus we could.
Speaker 2: Even get two work. It's here and then it's still
Speaker 2: a long way to go.
Speaker 3: This is where you kneeled, Neil Wagner. Don't you get
Speaker 3: a hold of that soft ball? Just thump it into
Speaker 3: the pitch.
Speaker 7: It's the classic chaos agent argument.
Speaker 2: Isn't it said?
Speaker 3: We've got Phillips, he's into his fourth over, coms into
Speaker 3: Pope to midwicket.
Speaker 11: Where's run another texture? On three two three six? Hug
Speaker 11: girls are pretty grubby generally.
Speaker 7: Well, it seems disparaging and I, quite frankly don't believe it.
Speaker 7: I can't believe you'd read something like that up but
Speaker 7: I on the air.
Speaker 2: We didn't ask the question, though, did we?
Speaker 7: So?
Speaker 2: Is it just a statement?
Speaker 10: Is it coverage?
Speaker 1: You'll never leave even when it's outside the line. This
Speaker 1: is the alternative commentary Collective. Oh, thanks to the great
Speaker 1: New Zealanders ad resin.
Speaker 3: Welcome back to the expert big adat Studios at Hagley Oval.
Speaker 2: Coverage brought to you.
Speaker 3: By Max Rafts on premium insulated concrete slabs. And it's
Speaker 3: a pleasure to welcome back into the commentary position Lea
Speaker 3: bakerp and fresh from upsetting some boos Matt Heath and
Speaker 3: then comes O'Rourke, leans on that. Brooke comes through for
Speaker 3: another comfortable single, runs getting too easy.
Speaker 2: What's happening up at z B Matt.
Speaker 12: Well, I just interviewed acc head g Lane about the cricket.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you've got a very irate manager up there who
Speaker 3: has got access to a speaker in the studio in
Speaker 3: which he yells almost like a nineteen thirties forties German dictator.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Wow, It's like it was like keep.
Speaker 10: Back claim, Jay Light, deep back claim.
Speaker 2: It just came out of a speaker in the corner. Yeah,
Speaker 2: well it was interesting actually.
Speaker 3: Then comes O'Rourke into his twelfth over into Pope Fallen
Speaker 3: driven down the ground by Pope. It's a good shot
Speaker 3: just to punch down mid off. I'm not sure that
Speaker 3: it'll go all the way as Ken Williamson just gingerly
Speaker 3: runs after.
Speaker 12: It, and they come back for three It was intually
Speaker 12: because earlier in the day, like just after one o'clock,
Speaker 12: I said, New Zealand really needs to take England around
Speaker 12: the back of the barn and pump a few shots into.
Speaker 2: The back of their head.
Speaker 12: And there was a little word to me saying, well,
Speaker 12: you know, it's kind of quite a full on metaphor
Speaker 12: you're using there, and then and then I was like,
Speaker 12: I think that's that's apped.
Speaker 2: And then then you came in.
Speaker 12: I immediately came in with the same metaphors and I thought, look,
Speaker 12: it's good enough.
Speaker 2: For gen lane. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I didn't stay around the back of the shit. I
Speaker 3: just said double tap them.
Speaker 12: I actually sit around the take the old dog around
Speaker 12: the back of the barn and pump a few in
Speaker 12: the back of its head.
Speaker 2: I think I said, roll them over and just two
Speaker 2: in the back of the head. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Up on the pool shot goes brock out to midwicket.
Speaker 3: It's a big chase, further hairy rav and you will
Speaker 3: just pull it in and runs starting to flow.
Speaker 2: Another three runs.
Speaker 12: Hating this, I'm absolutely hating this, but I think that
Speaker 12: it is a legitimate cricketing metaphor.
Speaker 3: That yeah, it is, just it's basically getting putting the
Speaker 3: foot on the throat.
Speaker 2: It's taking the opportunities, and we didn't do that.
Speaker 12: We didn't do that when we were one hundred and
Speaker 12: ninety nine for three, and then we didn't do it
Speaker 12: by dropping a lot peaper catches your.
Speaker 4: Metaphor though that he sounds like you're implying that England
Speaker 4: needs to be put out of their misery, that it's
Speaker 4: our misery that needs to end.
Speaker 12: Yes, yeah, yeah, I can see that. Maybe it just
Speaker 12: means walk up to them and shoot them right in
Speaker 12: the face, o.
Speaker 2: Rourken to Pope again.
Speaker 3: Pope comfortably goes back and just dabs us down to
Speaker 3: the vacant gully area for a single. Would you accept, levak,
Speaker 3: would you accept sneak up behind them and slip their
Speaker 3: throat from behind?
Speaker 2: Yes, I would. That's actually right.
Speaker 12: That is more what we want them to do, rather
Speaker 12: than help them out because they're you know, that would
Speaker 12: be you know, if you're, if you're, if you're you're
Speaker 12: in a test and they're still just batting for batting
Speaker 12: practice and there's no chance of winning at least, that
Speaker 12: that would be taking them around the back of the
Speaker 12: sheet and putting a few bullets in there at.
Speaker 4: Least that metaphor allows us to do it under our
Speaker 4: own power, without resorting to tools or other implements.
Speaker 3: And these batsmen looking at a little bit too comfortable
Speaker 3: for my liking O'Rourke and just a almost a late
Speaker 3: cut from brook but it goes to.
Speaker 12: To the slip corder. I mean, this is horrible Brooks.
Speaker 12: Brooks sixty seven and Pope seventy.
Speaker 4: Yes, he's so comfortable he couldn't even be bother playing
Speaker 4: a shot there.
Speaker 2: He just left the bat out.
Speaker 4: It'll still go to the ground pretty much middled it. Yeah,
Speaker 4: I'm still tiring one of my even looking he Matt Heath.
Speaker 4: We were talking about eugenics this morning. Oh okay, and we're.
Speaker 3: Talking about Saudi and he's he's retiring soon and whether
Speaker 3: we should get some seed off him, some straws off
Speaker 3: them and cryogenically freeze them.
Speaker 2: Yeah. As o'rour comes into.
Speaker 3: Brook and all that's down to the excited and look
Speaker 3: down to fine leg thinking they'd be a bit of
Speaker 3: the DNA of his out there.
Speaker 2: Turner's up for England. Yeah, I mean we're just thinking,
Speaker 2: but I'd like to say that his DNA is being
Speaker 2: spread around with a little bit.
Speaker 3: Of reckless a band, and we're talking about the eugenics
Speaker 3: in terms of getting that seed and implanting it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm another fast bowler.
Speaker 12: I'm just saying that you might be able to just
Speaker 12: find some just in the corner of the odd hotel room,
Speaker 12: ye or something.
Speaker 3: We want I mean we want him to be involved
Speaker 3: with Okay, yeah, yeah, so yeah, I guess we're morally
Speaker 3: speaking he should be involved. Were just maybe thinking about
Speaker 3: we should get in touch with the Players Association and
Speaker 3: make it part of the central contracts. Yeah, so who
Speaker 3: would you like to see his seed inside?
Speaker 12: Well, this is exactly the question, and it doesn't have
Speaker 12: to be inside. I guess you could take the egg
Speaker 12: a great New Zealand sportswoman.
Speaker 2: It's a situation. Yeah, it's a lot.
Speaker 12: It's a lot to ask and then maybe a surrogate
Speaker 12: because you don't want the person to stop playing.
Speaker 6: We could basically make test tube test cricketers.
Speaker 12: Yeah, the test a test match between nothing but test
Speaker 12: Tube players have been designed eugenically to be the best
Speaker 12: players in the world.
Speaker 2: Be that would be huge.
Speaker 12: They'd be like those those new Olympics, the games they're
Speaker 12: trying to do. The no limits Olympic Games.
Speaker 3: They're trying to do it comes Phillips into Pope, was
Speaker 3: on seventy just shaws forward of Tom Latham. It shot
Speaker 3: on just then it just fell short of him. You
Speaker 3: could hear the scream. Catch that, Tommy.
Speaker 6: This is torturous.
Speaker 3: But we're thinking of crowding different silos within the factory.
Speaker 2: I just pure pace.
Speaker 3: So you've got the Locky Ferguson's, the shame bonds, the slashes,
Speaker 3: this one through the covers Pope. It's a big chase
Speaker 3: for the hairy Rab. You'll just get there. Well, the
Speaker 3: hairy Rab does well, but they'll come back for three.
Speaker 2: So in the pace division you got bond, Locky Ferguson. Yeah, possibly,
Speaker 2: Sir Richard had Richard. Yeah. Can you get eggs.
Speaker 12: From Sir Richard Hadley ord he and you can't not
Speaker 12: really farm eggs, no egg to mix with southe No,
Speaker 12: it's tough.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the eggs.
Speaker 3: I mean we're looking for pure pace, something like lea
Speaker 3: to Hugh Hugh, Yeah, you a paste bowler Yep.
Speaker 12: It's interesting though, because with sports people they often have
Speaker 12: the opportunity to just choose any sport and they'd be
Speaker 12: amazing at it, So you wouldn't necessarily have to to
Speaker 12: get eggs farm eggs from just cricketers.
Speaker 3: Phillips floats this one up to Brooklyn just well, does
Speaker 3: Phillips to do his own fielding?
Speaker 4: Maybe not, But we want to push the technology. We
Speaker 4: want laser focus.
Speaker 12: Yeah right, yeah, because you get Valerie Adams with Tim
Speaker 12: Southi and you get a bit of height in there,
Speaker 12: in a bit of strength.
Speaker 2: Actually, that's not bad.
Speaker 6: Write that down late Valerie Adams and.
Speaker 3: Philips back and across and just guides it to point
Speaker 3: for a single does Harry brook But we were thinking
Speaker 3: we forgot about the whole nurture side of it because
Speaker 3: we're thinking about creative data.
Speaker 2: You're going to have to set up some sort of academy.
Speaker 12: Could you foster them into, foster them out, foster them
Speaker 12: out into sort of cricketing families.
Speaker 3: You really need to focus them on there. I mean
Speaker 3: they need to be bowling bumpers from the age of two.
Speaker 2: Right. It's nature plus nature and we have to be
Speaker 2: in charge of both.
Speaker 12: Really, so what about some kind of stranger things type lab.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, this is exactly what we want. This has proved
Speaker 2: to bunker.
Speaker 4: This is proved to me this is a great idea
Speaker 4: because Matt Heath is in total agreement. It's just coming
Speaker 4: up with the same ideas we've got. So that for
Speaker 4: me is the test.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 12: So it's sort of a highly secure bunker where you
Speaker 12: do horrific experiments on them everything to make them amazing.
Speaker 3: Well, our problem is, Matt, you know this, Man Heath
Speaker 3: is our pool of players in New Zealand is tiny
Speaker 3: compared to who we're playing against in Australia, England, India.
Speaker 2: So you've got to make the most of what you've got.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And if that means we have to farm the
Speaker 3: seed of Sir Richard Hadley, Jim Southy, Lucky Ferguson, we've.
Speaker 2: Got to do what we've got to do correct and
Speaker 2: what we.
Speaker 3: Could do on the international stage if we could sell
Speaker 3: a couple of straws of Richard Hadley's too India.
Speaker 2: I mean, look, we've.
Speaker 4: Already done this. We've already done this with animals. We're
Speaker 4: world leaders in this when it comes to cattle.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 12: Well, I was speaking at a Bull Seaman conference recently
Speaker 12: and the keynote speaker, there's a keynote speaker, there's a
Speaker 12: l O v yes, and it's amazing what they've done done. Well,
Speaker 12: there's something I'll tell you what some of the bulls
Speaker 12: have done that when when I went in there, there's
Speaker 12: like a it's a huge, a huge facility down there
Speaker 12: in the white cattle and you go there and and
Speaker 12: it's they've got a pool there.
Speaker 2: It's beautiful buildings.
Speaker 12: But when you walk in, there's a hall of fame
Speaker 12: for the bulls that have inseminated.
Speaker 2: The most, the most.
Speaker 12: And I think there was one called I think he
Speaker 12: had quite a pedestrian name like Gary or something, but
Speaker 12: he had done one point two million inseminations. Wow, he
Speaker 12: was just now that he has that's even that's more
Speaker 12: in seminations then probably even terms out.
Speaker 6: That's that's shots. He's come up with one point two
Speaker 6: million shots.
Speaker 3: Hold announce Nate than Smith the debutante back in to
Speaker 3: the attack.
Speaker 2: What can he do?
Speaker 3: He struts the pad of Olli Pope that goes down
Speaker 3: to find leg for a single, he's got two for
Speaker 3: forty six.
Speaker 2: He should have the Wicked of harry Brook. See again.
Speaker 6: To me, that's just proof of the concept. We're on
Speaker 6: the right.
Speaker 3: Track here, because imagine if you could sell you know,
Speaker 3: one million straws of Richard Hadley's seed.
Speaker 4: Well, what we do is we should we coming out
Speaker 4: to stud We've got to take a long term view
Speaker 4: of this, much like the Chinese. So we breed them
Speaker 4: from people like Sir Richard Hadley, sim Saudi, what have you,
Speaker 4: and then we keep reading them, Mike, until we come
Speaker 4: up with a kind of a super athlete Smith.
Speaker 3: Or he gets the outside edge of Brook that goes
Speaker 3: two phillips at Galley.
Speaker 2: We don't want to stop it just one.
Speaker 6: There's no point having one child that's born of two
Speaker 6: great athletes.
Speaker 4: We've got to then take that child like dog breeders,
Speaker 4: and then breed it to perfection.
Speaker 2: Yea, because we need the scale.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and we need the numbers to cover injuries and
Speaker 4: what have you.
Speaker 2: Many codes and women's it's all falling into place in
Speaker 2: my head.
Speaker 3: So slight change of field for Smith is a first
Speaker 3: slip and like almost a fourth slip is a short
Speaker 3: mid wicket and a short cover who were catching So
Speaker 3: Smith break type package she's running into.
Speaker 2: Is comes in and Brooks just defends this to the
Speaker 2: man at full slip.
Speaker 1: The common jerry that makes even dop ball sound good.
Speaker 1: This is the Alternative Commentary Collective.
Speaker 10: Oh thanks to the great New Zealanders at Max.
Speaker 2: Rath, I got a tree in my car at the moment.
Speaker 2: Christmas tree Yeah.
Speaker 3: In it yeah, facal real, real, that's gonna that's gonna
Speaker 3: really stink up the joint.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I picked it up on the way to work
Speaker 2: this morning and still in there.
Speaker 9: Have you got some towels down because they don't have
Speaker 9: like steppy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a bit no towels down, No romance Raggs.
Speaker 3: It's the came Smith who it's good bowling by Smith,
Speaker 3: just cramping up Stokes And that's the end of his
Speaker 3: thirteenth diver.
Speaker 2: He's got two for sixty two. And I was just
Speaker 2: rammed it in the roar this morning. Was there any
Speaker 2: reason why you had to pick up this morning?
Speaker 3: You couldn't just did you have to go to a
Speaker 3: specific place to get your Christmas tree or did.
Speaker 12: You just well, I've got a big day tomorrow actually
Speaker 12: out on the water with acc Stall Jeremy Wales and
Speaker 12: his boat, and so I was putt in charge of
Speaker 12: getting a tree.
Speaker 2: Is this the ro before the rock summon on water? Yeah?
Speaker 12: So although the weather might not be good, so might
Speaker 12: they're good, so might be on land.
Speaker 2: We could just go to the marina. Yeah.
Speaker 12: So, but I was put in charge of getting a
Speaker 12: Christmas tree, and I thought the only time I can
Speaker 12: get it up is in the both of Christmas tree
Speaker 12: and and and else.
Speaker 2: Wives is in the morning. So I went and got
Speaker 2: it today, because.
Speaker 8: What's the deal?
Speaker 9: Is it December first? When you do a Christmas tree?
Speaker 2: Technically technically one but good in January? How big you go?
Speaker 2: Six foot?
Speaker 5: Nah?
Speaker 3: Sow the wine and slashed out by Brooke.
Speaker 2: Now to cover point again he's just throws the bat
Speaker 2: at it.
Speaker 3: It's not most allgant of batsman, but hes to eighty seven.
Speaker 2: I've got a bit of a choad. Actually, did you
Speaker 2: get a chod?
Speaker 5: He?
Speaker 9: Did you?
Speaker 2: Please? Were we talking four foot? Yeah? A bit of
Speaker 2: a four foot showed?
Speaker 3: Did you Was that requested by the the better half?
Speaker 3: Or did you just go for the cheapest one?
Speaker 12: I was sent to get a tree? But I think
Speaker 12: it might be one of those situations. I'm pretty sure
Speaker 12: whatever tree I bring back or there'll be problems.
Speaker 2: Have got a base for it?
Speaker 9: Nah, just a bucket with rocks.
Speaker 2: Really you got a water it though? Widget behind the out.
Speaker 3: Saudi and to Stokes. Stokes whips us off the pads
Speaker 3: out to the square leg. I'll think about too, and
Speaker 3: they'll get it comfortably.
Speaker 12: If you wrap enough tit'sal around. It doesn't really matter
Speaker 12: if it falls over.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 8: Do you have to water your Christmas tree?
Speaker 3: Yea, yeah, man, Yeah, that's those Christmas trees. They drink
Speaker 3: so much water.
Speaker 7: Really.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 12: When I bought my Christmas tree this morning, this guy
Speaker 12: tried to sell me like some magic beans. He had
Speaker 12: a bag of special beans that you're supposed to put
Speaker 12: in the water that would give at the nutrients to
Speaker 12: keep it going.
Speaker 2: I keep it going.
Speaker 12: I thought, that's brilliant, isn't it. It's the upsail. So
Speaker 12: you bought a tree, and then they try and sell
Speaker 12: you the you know, the torture device where you screw
Speaker 12: the tree in.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've got the torture device. Yeah yeah. Is it
Speaker 2: the kind of tripod? Yeah, screws that yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 12: So they sell you the torture device, and then now
Speaker 12: they've decided to trick you into buying magic beans to
Speaker 12: keep it alive.
Speaker 2: Souy Into Stokes, who just leaves this to the keeper.
Speaker 2: It's just too wide for Into plays left well as Stokes.
Speaker 12: He's like, the guys like all organic nutrients that your
Speaker 12: tree needs, just for another ten bucks.
Speaker 3: And You're like, nah, I'm taking your chodiest, smallest tree. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 3: I'm stuffing in the back of my forward focus.
Speaker 2: I don't need your little baggie.
Speaker 9: My grandma just used to check a disperine or an
Speaker 9: espirin into the water. Apparently that stops dropping its leaves,
Speaker 9: pines and needles.
Speaker 3: I've heard dad, a sexy camel comes in to the
Speaker 3: left hand.
Speaker 2: It's Stokes.
Speaker 3: Stokes walks across this creasy us, moving around the crease
Speaker 3: by a lot.
Speaker 2: He goes forward and defends to the covers. Yeah, I
Speaker 2: flipped between fake and real. I love the smell of
Speaker 2: a fake real, a real. You smell of a fake
Speaker 2: one or real one. You said titties. I just said
Speaker 2: you said just that me. See you said fake, Someone
Speaker 2: said titties. Oh that was the producer in your ear.
Speaker 3: But anyone out there listening, you're the only one that
Speaker 3: said titties.
Speaker 2: You are the only one.
Speaker 7: If we.
Speaker 2: Look someone, if.
Speaker 12: Someone said the tapes, someone said fake and then someone
Speaker 12: said tedties.
Speaker 2: If you go back and listen to the tapes. I'm
Speaker 2: afraid it's you. You're the only one that said teddies
Speaker 2: it's natural.
Speaker 3: Surely the natural smells far nicer.
Speaker 2: Someone said natural or fake, but I'm sure what we
Speaker 2: were talking about. It's clean enough.
Speaker 3: Sally into the pads of stokes and looks around the corner,
Speaker 3: down a fine leg for a single, and again the
Speaker 3: game seems to meander on coverage.
Speaker 1: You'll never leave even when it's outside the line. This
Speaker 1: is the alternative commentary collective. Oh, thanks to the great
Speaker 1: New Zealanders at resive.
Speaker 12: You know that doggie Braceball recently got censured unfairly, I thought, because.
Speaker 2: He isn't a you know, role model. Now you're on
Speaker 2: the nose beers. Was me.
Speaker 12: He was on the nosebiers and they see it even
Speaker 12: though I had nothing to do with the game or
Speaker 12: the This perform performance wasn't performance dancing.
Speaker 2: He was a role model, which I thought it was
Speaker 2: because they publicized it. Like if he actually was a
Speaker 2: role model, then then if they hadn't done anything, then
Speaker 2: no one would have heard about it. But but I
Speaker 2: wonder came Smith and two stokes around the work.
Speaker 3: It's short and on the pool, it's quite timate, and
Speaker 3: it dribbles down to fine leg.
Speaker 2: To row for a single.
Speaker 12: I wonder if you know, you do your first test
Speaker 12: and it comes up with a acid, you know, three
Speaker 12: days into a test match.
Speaker 2: I mean were they what are you doing?
Speaker 12: It's highly unusual, I mean match whatever. The opposite of
Speaker 12: enhancing is perform many you'd just be scratching your head
Speaker 12: as you know, a drugs tester, you'd be.
Speaker 2: Like acid LSD, Muppet Smath then two brook Brooks back
Speaker 2: and across and defends this.
Speaker 3: But like, we know why that that came out because
Speaker 3: that happened in January of this year, and I think
Speaker 3: that's when he did it, and the results came out
Speaker 3: in April.
Speaker 2: Yet in November we were finding out about it.
Speaker 3: And that was purely an administrative thing because I don't
Speaker 3: think New's go on cricket that had lapsed on their
Speaker 3: retainer payment to Whitewashed Investigations, right, And it was a
Speaker 3: message from Whitewashed Investigations. And if you know about whitewash,
Speaker 3: but they ones that cover up all the NRL scandals.
Speaker 3: You know, the powder that was on the shield, that
Speaker 3: was the resin, that was whitewash, and it just goes away.
Speaker 3: They're one of the most powerful organizations in the world
Speaker 3: whitewashed investigations and then most of most sports associations have
Speaker 3: them on retainer. But every now and then they have
Speaker 3: to send a message and this one was sent to
Speaker 3: New Zealand Cricket with you know, if you if you
Speaker 3: don't reinstall the automatic payment, you.
Speaker 2: Can't just call us up and do it, you know,
Speaker 2: scandal by scandal.
Speaker 12: Yeah, you have to give us on retaining absolutely and
Speaker 12: look for the Rambhilly shield.
Speaker 2: One was amazing.
Speaker 12: I mean, you've got you got rolled up notes, you've
Speaker 12: got yeah, white powder, No, what's the white powder.
Speaker 2: It's plastic.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's plaster that it was used on the shield
Speaker 3: and so and Whitewash came in and they said that
Speaker 3: they rolled a few people out and we moved on.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it's brilliant, isn't it it is? It's
Speaker 2: I mean, NRL, there's another brilliant one.
Speaker 3: Whitewash were involved in the AFL where the AFL were
Speaker 3: drug testing players for recreational drugs and then if they.
Speaker 2: Came up positive, they were standing them down for injury.
Speaker 3: So they were saying they'll give them a warning and
Speaker 3: saying take a couple of weeks off to cool down,
Speaker 3: don't do again.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Whitewash.
Speaker 3: Whitewash and drew up that policy and said drug test
Speaker 3: for recreational and then just drop them for injury for
Speaker 3: a couple of weeks and just seem to shot over
Speaker 3: their bow.
Speaker 12: We got Whitewash on retainer for the sec No, yeah,
Speaker 12: we haven't. Unfortunately, that's why I guess why we're so
Speaker 12: raddled with scandal. I mean, you've been canceled recently. Whitewash
Speaker 12: could have sorted that out. They would have actually, then
Speaker 12: comes Phillips and two Stokes.
Speaker 3: He's got an introduction of spin before the end of
Speaker 3: the day's play, but he just works it down the
Speaker 3: long on for a single coverage.
Speaker 1: You'll never leave even when it's outside the line. This
Speaker 1: is the Alternative Commentary Collective. Oh thanks to the great
Speaker 1: New Zealanders at received