WEBVTT - Is It Jealousy or Just the Past Haunting Me? 0:00:00.009 --> 0:00:00.930 Hi, Tazo. Hey to 0:00:00.980 --> 0:00:03.410 Zura and I'm Jermaine and welcome back to another episode 0:00:03.420 --> 0:00:04.789 of Clarity, Hush 0:00:06.320 --> 0:00:09.579 Man. You guys loved this previous episode so much about 0:00:09.590 --> 0:00:12.879 unrequited love and bread crumbing. Y'all like ate it like 0:00:12.890 --> 0:00:15.880 bread crumbs that we had to bring her back on 0:00:15.890 --> 0:00:19.440 the show. Please. Welcome. Yet again. It's no, Adam. 0:00:20.260 --> 0:00:21.059 Thank you so 0:00:21.069 --> 0:00:23.180 much. Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here. 0:00:23.280 --> 0:00:25.889 Oh my God, today's topic. I can't believe we've never 0:00:25.899 --> 0:00:28.819 spoken about it. I am sweating. I am the president 0:00:28.829 --> 0:00:30.989 of today's topic. So I'm really looking forward to. But 0:00:31.000 --> 0:00:33.180 what have you been up to since we last saw you? Wow. 0:00:33.189 --> 0:00:33.259 I 0:00:33.270 --> 0:00:39.740 think I've just been busy with like client work, organizing workshops, events. 0:00:39.750 --> 0:00:41.439 It's something that I'm very passionate about. 0:00:41.810 --> 0:00:44.139 But yeah, I'm going strong, you know, in the area 0:00:44.150 --> 0:00:47.590 of like trauma recovery work, people who are heartbroken, people 0:00:47.598 --> 0:00:50.000 who feel abandoned. I'm like, that's where I come in. 0:00:50.009 --> 0:00:51.598 I help you out in your journey. 0:00:52.470 --> 0:00:52.479 I 0:00:52.560 --> 0:00:54.959 love that. Yeah. Make sure you follow her at the 0:00:54.970 --> 0:01:02.150 good life underscore therapy. Now, today's topic, it is about jealousy. OK. 0:01:02.159 --> 0:01:02.569 Would you 0:01:02.819 --> 0:01:05.580 say that you girls are jealous when it comes to 0:01:05.589 --> 0:01:08.559 being in a relationship. Are you jealous? Girls? I feel 0:01:08.569 --> 0:01:11.529 like we need a skill for this 1 to 1010 0:01:11.540 --> 0:01:15.330 being the most jealous. I think. I'm like, at a five. Like, 0:01:15.339 --> 0:01:18.199 I am confident in myself. I wouldn't call myself like 0:01:18.209 --> 0:01:21.569 an over jealous partner but sometimes certain things, you know, 0:01:21.580 --> 0:01:23.980 still be jealous. I just for the young, you know, 0:01:24.900 --> 0:01:28.330 ok, we'll get into that. Like, what makes hazel, you know, like, 0:01:28.339 --> 0:01:29.789 triggered when it comes to jealousy. What 0:01:29.800 --> 0:01:30.959 about you? No, I guess so. 0:01:30.970 --> 0:01:33.309 Like, you know, in my past relationships I've had had 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:36.250 experiences where I did feel jealousy but I think at 0:01:36.260 --> 0:01:38.040 that point in time I didn't know it was like 0:01:38.050 --> 0:01:42.029 jealousy but I just felt like it just felt off when, 0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:43.160 you know, something happened. 0:01:43.449 --> 0:01:46.050 Yeah. So I think the more I, I deep dive 0:01:46.059 --> 0:01:48.470 into this work, you know, being a therapist and just 0:01:48.480 --> 0:01:50.949 discover a bit more. I'm like, oh, that was me 0:01:50.959 --> 0:01:52.580 being jealous. I didn't know that. 0:01:52.599 --> 0:01:54.489 What about you? Now? Then on a scale of 1 0:01:54.500 --> 0:01:54.949 to 10 0:01:54.959 --> 0:01:55.220 I 0:01:55.230 --> 0:01:57.589 think, because I've not been in a relationship in a 0:01:57.599 --> 0:02:01.139 while as well. So I would not know in the 0:02:01.150 --> 0:02:04.019 context of, like, romantic relationships. But if you want to 0:02:04.029 --> 0:02:04.790 talk about, like, 0:02:05.440 --> 0:02:07.870 I think I'm like a two or three, I'm sure. 0:02:08.500 --> 0:02:12.779 Yeah. Ok. Yes. I used to think I was like 0:02:12.788 --> 0:02:16.190 a minus two or like a zero. Yeah. Recently I 0:02:16.199 --> 0:02:19.070 think I've discovered that I might be like a two 0:02:19.080 --> 0:02:23.919 or three. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I'm a bit. So. Yeah. Yeah. 0:02:23.929 --> 0:02:26.429 I do think that there's nothing to be jealous about 0:02:27.699 --> 0:02:30.160 when, when the emotions are not as strong. I think 0:02:30.169 --> 0:02:34.509 emotions really exacerbate the feeling of jealousy. So, I think 0:02:34.520 --> 0:02:36.990 for me I would put myself as a 10. Let's just, 0:02:37.500 --> 0:02:39.959 let's just go straight there for the honesty. Yeah. Yeah. 0:02:39.970 --> 0:02:42.269 Let's just go straight there. Right. I'm working on it though. 0:02:42.279 --> 0:02:44.380 I'm working on it maybe now some days I'm an 0:02:44.389 --> 0:02:44.929 eight year old, 0:02:47.404 --> 0:02:50.934 but today we're specifically talking about not just jealousy in 0:02:50.945 --> 0:02:53.585 a relationship, not just like, oh, you know, your boyfriend, 0:02:53.595 --> 0:02:55.835 like the girl's photo on Instagram, stupid things like that. 0:02:55.845 --> 0:03:00.845 But we're talking about retroactive jealousy. What does that mean? No, 0:03:00.854 --> 0:03:00.925 I 0:03:00.934 --> 0:03:02.875 think retroactive jealousy, it 0:03:03.130 --> 0:03:06.850 is something is very fascinating because it's a specific type 0:03:06.860 --> 0:03:10.190 of jealousy that deals with you focusing on your partner's 0:03:10.199 --> 0:03:14.830 past specifically, they are, you know, past romantic relationships, right? 0:03:15.000 --> 0:03:17.850 So when we're talking about general jealousy, it's got to 0:03:17.860 --> 0:03:21.539 do with like prison related circumstances. So for example, you're 0:03:21.550 --> 0:03:23.899 at a party with a boyfriend and a girl comes along, 0:03:23.910 --> 0:03:26.139 she starts flirting with their boyfriend. So you start to 0:03:26.149 --> 0:03:26.440 feel 0:03:26.449 --> 0:03:26.720 like 0:03:28.850 --> 0:03:29.899 I just wish 0:03:31.889 --> 0:03:32.210 right? And 0:03:32.910 --> 0:03:36.320 jealous that's present jealousy, right? So you start feeling something 0:03:36.330 --> 0:03:39.860 on the inside unease and yeah, you feel jealous. So 0:03:39.869 --> 0:03:44.759 that's you responding to current behaviors, current actions. But retroactive 0:03:44.770 --> 0:03:47.279 jealousy is a complete opposite of that. It's you feeling 0:03:47.289 --> 0:03:49.789 that sense of jealousy, but it is in response to 0:03:49.800 --> 0:03:52.750 something that is in the past, it is not happening 0:03:52.759 --> 0:03:55.020 in the here and now it's not based on current, 0:03:55.619 --> 0:03:59.520 current behavior. And it's very interesting because this often puts 0:03:59.529 --> 0:04:01.800 a lot of people in this state of confusion of 0:04:01.809 --> 0:04:04.259 like what is going on. And you know, if I 0:04:04.270 --> 0:04:06.990 could give an example, an analogy, right? It's like you 0:04:07.000 --> 0:04:11.649 stumbling upon your partner's old photo album, right? And in 0:04:11.660 --> 0:04:14.600 this photo album, it shows his history. So it's way 0:04:14.610 --> 0:04:19.238 before he met you, it shows snapshots of like memories, moments, 0:04:19.250 --> 0:04:19.660 experience 0:04:19.988 --> 0:04:22.909 of the people he's been with in his past life 0:04:22.920 --> 0:04:25.410 before he met you, right? So you take a look 0:04:25.420 --> 0:04:27.890 at this photo album and instead of looking at those 0:04:27.899 --> 0:04:31.179 snapshots as, oh, you know, these are past chapters in 0:04:31.190 --> 0:04:33.670 his life, he's been through that and it has shaped 0:04:33.678 --> 0:04:35.869 who he is today instead of looking at it that 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:40.109 way you go zoom in to specific chapters and it's 0:04:40.119 --> 0:04:43.320 specific of my life. Am I talking about 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:48.049 TV, of my life? But yeah, you zoom into specific 0:04:48.059 --> 0:04:51.750 romantic chapters, you know that he has been involved in 0:04:51.760 --> 0:04:55.459 and your mind goes into this very interesting spiral, right? 0:04:55.470 --> 0:04:58.750 You look at those chapters and you start wondering like 0:04:58.760 --> 0:05:02.029 is he really over her? Does he still think about her? 0:05:02.040 --> 0:05:04.309 You know what's going on there? And again, it is 0:05:04.320 --> 0:05:08.420 very exhausting, dealing with these sort of feelings, especially if 0:05:08.428 --> 0:05:08.690 you don't know 0:05:08.738 --> 0:05:09.760 what's going on in terms of. 0:05:09.769 --> 0:05:12.420 Yeah, I do think like this retroactive jealousy is a 0:05:12.428 --> 0:05:15.190 beast of its own because it's not something that's happening 0:05:15.200 --> 0:05:18.119 right now. So you're like, is it real, like, why 0:05:18.130 --> 0:05:20.618 am I feeling these things if it's not happening right now? 0:05:20.630 --> 0:05:23.078 This is in the past and everyone will say, but 0:05:23.089 --> 0:05:25.200 it's in the past. What do you bring up the past? 0:05:25.290 --> 0:05:26.880 And that's the challenge of it. And I think it's 0:05:26.890 --> 0:05:29.109 very confusing because you don't really know what's going on. 0:05:29.119 --> 0:05:31.769 You don't know why you feel that way. I'm just 0:05:31.779 --> 0:05:33.149 trying to speak for you. Thank you. 0:05:34.130 --> 0:05:37.260 I feel hurt and I think you don't really know 0:05:37.269 --> 0:05:39.390 what to do with it either because if you voice 0:05:39.399 --> 0:05:42.570 it or you throw a tantrum, it's unfair. Correct. Correct. 0:05:42.790 --> 0:05:45.820 And you understand that you also have a past but 0:05:45.829 --> 0:05:48.709 like you're being unfair but you can't help it. Correct? Ok. 0:05:48.720 --> 0:05:52.730 Interesting because I've never come across this term, retroactive jealousy 0:05:52.738 --> 0:05:54.450 and just don't want to read it myself. Five, I 0:05:54.459 --> 0:05:59.089 would think the bulk of it is this retroactive, retroactive jealousy. 0:05:59.100 --> 0:06:01.890 So let's say I'm in a relationship. I would like to, 0:06:01.899 --> 0:06:02.700 it's a bad habit. 0:06:02.755 --> 0:06:06.175 I'll ask my partner, what are your past relationships? Like 0:06:06.656 --> 0:06:08.656 then after he shares with me because he views it 0:06:08.665 --> 0:06:11.455 as an open, honest communication. Now, I get a bit upset. 0:06:11.585 --> 0:06:15.614 That's true. So, so when I first got together with 0:06:15.626 --> 0:06:18.075 my partner, we were like, ok, you know, we've both 0:06:18.085 --> 0:06:21.936 had past, let's be 1000% honest with each other about 0:06:21.946 --> 0:06:25.536 every single detail of my past. That idea. And then 0:06:25.545 --> 0:06:27.955 now we're seeing a therapist for good reason and the 0:06:27.966 --> 0:06:30.115 therapist is like, that's such a shitty idea. Why would 0:06:30.126 --> 0:06:30.876 you guys do that? 0:06:31.380 --> 0:06:33.321 Why would you all do that? We're like, it's too late. 0:06:33.332 --> 0:06:35.911 We already know everything. Yeah, it's too late. And I 0:06:35.921 --> 0:06:41.122 think retroactive jealousy focuses on this very unhealthy preoccupation with 0:06:41.130 --> 0:06:44.041 your partner's past, who they dated, who they slept with, 0:06:44.052 --> 0:06:45.700 who they hung out with, who they texted, you know, 0:06:45.712 --> 0:06:48.832 whatever it is. I remember I was at his mom's 0:06:48.842 --> 0:06:52.171 home and she loves keeping photos everywhere, photo frames. And 0:06:52.182 --> 0:06:54.391 I'm like, looking, looking and I feel like I knew 0:06:54.402 --> 0:06:56.611 what I was looking for, but I wasn't, I was 0:06:56.622 --> 0:06:58.872 just like, oh, so nice. Oh, your brother's wedding? I 0:06:58.880 --> 0:06:59.921 was like, oh, who's this girl? 0:07:00.670 --> 0:07:02.290 I was like, how is this girl? He's like, oh, 0:07:02.299 --> 0:07:04.820 that's my ex. I was like, oh, a photo of 0:07:04.829 --> 0:07:06.369 your ex in your mom's home? Ok. 0:07:06.839 --> 0:07:09.380 And I walk away and I heard my own feelings 0:07:09.390 --> 0:07:11.480 for what, but what do you do about the photo? 0:07:11.489 --> 0:07:13.980 I it's in his mom's home. Of course, it's just 0:07:14.089 --> 0:07:16.380 that photo frame is to celebrate his brother's wedding. That's 0:07:16.390 --> 0:07:18.690 the point of the photo frame. But yes, back to 0:07:18.700 --> 0:07:22.489 retroactive jealousy where does it come from? Does it come 0:07:22.500 --> 0:07:25.250 from a feeling of like I'm not enough because that's 0:07:25.260 --> 0:07:26.690 what people say, oh, your self worth 0:07:26.700 --> 0:07:27.420 is not enough. 0:07:27.429 --> 0:07:29.470 And that's one of them, right? When we're talking about 0:07:29.480 --> 0:07:33.619 retroactive jealousy, it often stems from a place of unfinished, 0:07:34.273 --> 0:07:38.153 unprocessed emotions, you know, in the past and now it's 0:07:38.164 --> 0:07:40.813 being replayed in the present moment in an attempt to 0:07:40.824 --> 0:07:43.894 reconcile something that has got to do with, you know, old, hurt, 0:07:43.903 --> 0:07:47.023 old wounds. And I feel that it is important for 0:07:47.033 --> 0:07:49.074 us to get to the root cause and the origin 0:07:49.084 --> 0:07:52.084 of what is causing retroactive jealousy to be there. And 0:07:52.093 --> 0:07:54.044 I feel that you can get curious about two key 0:07:54.053 --> 0:07:57.813 stages here. One is the childhood experience, right? And the 0:07:57.824 --> 0:08:00.773 other one is the later developmental years. So for the 0:08:00.868 --> 0:08:03.727 first part, the childhood experience get curious about, you know, 0:08:03.738 --> 0:08:06.007 what do you go through as a child? What was 0:08:06.018 --> 0:08:09.157 your family dynamics? Like? Were there certain things that you 0:08:09.167 --> 0:08:11.187 were struggling with as a child that you didn't really 0:08:11.197 --> 0:08:14.727 have the opportunity to talk about it? Maybe as a child, 0:08:14.738 --> 0:08:17.388 you grew up in an environment where your parents were 0:08:17.398 --> 0:08:20.967 there physically but emotionally they were checked out, maybe they 0:08:20.977 --> 0:08:24.787 were constantly busy with work, maybe they themselves were struggling 0:08:24.798 --> 0:08:27.808 emotionally mentally. And because of that they couldn't 0:08:27.981 --> 0:08:30.652 have the capacity to be with you in the way 0:08:30.661 --> 0:08:31.441 that you want them to. 0:08:31.451 --> 0:08:31.902 How does 0:08:31.911 --> 0:08:35.072 that manifest? Like how does that link to, you know, 0:08:35.131 --> 0:08:35.891 retroactive 0:08:35.901 --> 0:08:36.442 jealousy? 0:08:36.452 --> 0:08:38.942 Because what you've been exposed to as a child, it 0:08:38.952 --> 0:08:42.512 becomes your very programming, it becomes your belief system on 0:08:42.521 --> 0:08:44.481 what you know about the world, about what you know 0:08:44.492 --> 0:08:47.331 about love, what you know about relationships, what you know 0:08:47.341 --> 0:08:50.622 about how to cope with difficult emotions, let's say you 0:08:50.631 --> 0:08:54.841 were in an environment where your parents were constantly not there, right? There. 0:08:54.851 --> 0:08:54.992 Is there 0:08:55.096 --> 0:08:58.276 elements of emotional neglect. So you learned on how to 0:08:58.285 --> 0:09:00.366 have to deal with your emotions on your own, right? 0:09:00.445 --> 0:09:03.476 Because you feel like, you know, if I cannot depend 0:09:03.486 --> 0:09:05.435 on my parents to be there for me and I'm 0:09:05.445 --> 0:09:07.856 struggling on my own, something needs to be done. So 0:09:07.866 --> 0:09:10.825 in a way, you've learned these adaptation sort of strategies 0:09:10.835 --> 0:09:13.806 in order to cope with the inner conflicts and in 0:09:13.815 --> 0:09:15.776 the pain that you're dealing. Like let's say if you 0:09:15.785 --> 0:09:18.106 grew up in an environment where there's a lot of chaos, 0:09:18.116 --> 0:09:21.226 a lot of fighting going on between your parents, maybe 0:09:21.236 --> 0:09:22.106 you witness a separate 0:09:22.559 --> 0:09:26.150 of your your parents divorce. So what happens is that 0:09:26.159 --> 0:09:28.669 you learn as a kid that it is not safe 0:09:28.679 --> 0:09:31.090 to be there in the environment, it's not safe to 0:09:31.099 --> 0:09:33.969 express your own emotions and your needs because other people's 0:09:33.979 --> 0:09:36.718 needs mattered more. You need to make sure that you 0:09:36.729 --> 0:09:39.829 need to know exactly what other people needed in order 0:09:39.840 --> 0:09:42.250 for them to give you peace, right? So you learn 0:09:42.260 --> 0:09:45.510 to take on the role of the peacemaker, the mediator, 0:09:45.520 --> 0:09:48.650 the emotional caretaker, you know, the adult in the family 0:09:48.659 --> 0:09:49.229 and these 0:09:49.323 --> 0:09:53.783 are enormous roles for any kid to carry. It basically 0:09:53.794 --> 0:09:57.914 denies you the opportunity to experience childhood. Right? If you 0:09:57.924 --> 0:10:00.763 had to take on these roles early on as a child, 0:10:00.773 --> 0:10:03.473 you basically didn't have time to be a child, to 0:10:03.484 --> 0:10:06.343 be the carefree kid, to be curious to have fun 0:10:06.354 --> 0:10:08.943 to play because you had to do other serious stuff 0:10:08.953 --> 0:10:09.463 and you didn't 0:10:09.473 --> 0:10:13.772 form secure attachment. Exactly. She's talking to me. Yeah. Sorry, 0:10:13.883 --> 0:10:16.263 sorry you OK. I'm ok. 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:18.530 Yeah, that's very true. I think, you know, all these 0:10:18.539 --> 0:10:21.820 things as Children shape us into what we are now. 0:10:22.159 --> 0:10:25.020 And I think the problem with retroactive jealousy is a 0:10:25.030 --> 0:10:28.010 lot of people think like, oh, it's that overly attached girlfriend, 0:10:28.020 --> 0:10:29.940 you know, it's a crazy girlfriend, right? It's the girlfriend 0:10:29.950 --> 0:10:32.140 who is like, so jealous. But I do think it 0:10:32.150 --> 0:10:33.239 afflicts guys as well. 0:10:33.250 --> 0:10:34.449 Absolutely. Yeah. 0:10:34.460 --> 0:10:35.340 Have you seen that? 0:10:35.349 --> 0:10:39.299 Yes, absolutely. I feel like when we're talking about jealousy, 0:10:39.309 --> 0:10:43.609 retroactive or otherwise it is something that is often portrayed as, 0:10:43.734 --> 0:10:46.223 as a more female trait, right? And I feel it 0:10:46.234 --> 0:10:48.984 touches on a very profound cultural bias. You know, we 0:10:48.994 --> 0:10:52.263 see this in movies, TV, shows, we see this in 0:10:52.273 --> 0:10:55.233 pop songs, social media. There are these terms that have 0:10:55.244 --> 0:11:00.593 been tossed around, like for example, psycho ex-girlfriend, drama queen diva, 0:11:00.604 --> 0:11:05.114 possessive stalkerish and all of these labels are associated around 0:11:05.244 --> 0:11:09.273 women experiencing jealousy. And the problem with that is that 0:11:09.283 --> 0:11:10.703 with these stereotypes, it 0:11:10.828 --> 0:11:13.887 causes a lot of issues for people experiencing it because 0:11:13.898 --> 0:11:17.567 for men, right, they have this cultural expectation where they 0:11:17.578 --> 0:11:20.528 need to be the strong one, the secure one, the 0:11:20.538 --> 0:11:23.307 put together the calm one. When there is this cultural 0:11:23.317 --> 0:11:25.727 expectation for them to live up to that, when they 0:11:25.737 --> 0:11:28.857 feel jealousy arise, it's natural for them to go. Oh, 0:11:28.867 --> 0:11:31.247 I should not say it because I don't want to 0:11:31.256 --> 0:11:35.247 be labeled as insecure or petty or controlling. And then 0:11:35.256 --> 0:11:37.806 for the women because they know that is that 0:11:37.921 --> 0:11:41.262 stigma out there to feel jealousy again because they don't 0:11:41.271 --> 0:11:43.591 want to be judged. They don't want to be labeled, 0:11:43.771 --> 0:11:46.661 they keep it in, you know, when jealousy does arise. 0:11:46.671 --> 0:11:47.081 On 0:11:47.091 --> 0:11:49.752 the contrary, I feel like women are more, we tend 0:11:49.761 --> 0:11:52.261 to express jealousy more because we know in a certain 0:11:52.271 --> 0:11:53.021 way we can, 0:11:53.171 --> 0:11:54.021 it's ok. 0:11:54.502 --> 0:11:54.631 It's 0:11:54.932 --> 0:11:58.280 ok. Yes. And I feel like it would be ok 0:11:58.291 --> 0:12:00.961 for women to approach their partners in the relationship to 0:12:00.971 --> 0:12:03.771 speak about this. But what are some signs of retroactive 0:12:03.780 --> 0:12:04.910 jealousy in the relationship? 0:12:05.015 --> 0:12:08.745 I would say for the person who is experiencing retroactive jealousy. 0:12:08.755 --> 0:12:10.796 One of the things that you would notice is that 0:12:11.035 --> 0:12:14.075 you get caught in this obsessive loop, you tend to 0:12:14.085 --> 0:12:17.995 ruminate a lot. Your thoughts go wild. Basically, you want 0:12:18.005 --> 0:12:19.995 to go into that space of wanting to know every 0:12:20.005 --> 0:12:23.695 single detail of what happened in your partner's romantic past. 0:12:23.705 --> 0:12:25.405 And if you can't either, like you want to know, 0:12:25.416 --> 0:12:27.116 but you don't want to know. Yes. It's kind of 0:12:27.125 --> 0:12:31.995 this weird tug of war, weird dilemma that's happening. You know, cognitively, 0:12:32.109 --> 0:12:34.760 like rationally if you go there, it's going to cause 0:12:34.770 --> 0:12:37.569 a lot of hurt for yourself. But you can't help 0:12:37.580 --> 0:12:40.299 but want to go there and to find out for yourself. 0:12:40.309 --> 0:12:43.900 Because again, is this adaptive strategy is this self soothing 0:12:43.909 --> 0:12:47.299 mechanism that you have developed from early on in order 0:12:47.309 --> 0:12:50.369 to soothe that discomfort that you're feeling on the inside. 0:12:50.380 --> 0:12:53.150 What we need to understand about retroactive jealousy is that 0:12:53.159 --> 0:12:55.309 that is just a presenting problem, right? If I would 0:12:55.320 --> 0:12:57.859 have given an analogy of an iceberg, if you are 0:12:57.869 --> 0:12:59.089 the boat here above the water 0:12:59.283 --> 0:13:01.533 line, what you see is just above the water line 0:13:01.544 --> 0:13:03.744 and that's at the tip of the iceberg. So that's 0:13:03.754 --> 0:13:06.973 where retroactive jealousy lies. And what is beneath the water 0:13:06.984 --> 0:13:10.323 line is all the stuff, the narrative, our life scripts, 0:13:10.333 --> 0:13:13.814 our belief system, our hurts our pains, our insecurities, all 0:13:13.823 --> 0:13:16.353 of that is below the water line. And that is 0:13:16.364 --> 0:13:18.023 what we need to get to the root cause we 0:13:18.033 --> 0:13:20.983 need to get there to heal those parts in order 0:13:20.994 --> 0:13:24.443 to heal this obsessive cycle that we keep going into. So, 0:13:24.453 --> 0:13:26.203 number one is this obsession. 0:13:26.479 --> 0:13:30.309 Number two, because you are so obsessed about the past, 0:13:30.320 --> 0:13:32.659 it pulls you away from being in the present 0:13:32.669 --> 0:13:35.809 so true. It's like sometimes it's like, you know, there's 0:13:35.820 --> 0:13:38.469 so much good that's happening in the present. But you're like, 0:13:38.479 --> 0:13:40.608 so focused on, oh, this happened in the past and 0:13:40.619 --> 0:13:44.039 then you become so negative and like, resentful question for Jeremy. 0:13:44.049 --> 0:13:46.728 If you could turn time back, would you still have 0:13:46.739 --> 0:13:50.489 that discussion with your partner? Like understanding? Yeah. Correct. 0:13:50.607 --> 0:13:53.547 Each other's past. Every single relationship you've been in. Would 0:13:53.557 --> 0:13:55.697 you still want to know at this current point? I 0:13:55.708 --> 0:13:59.168 haven't healed yet. So I would still want to know. But, 0:13:59.177 --> 0:14:01.348 but I'm hoping to get to a point where, like, 0:14:01.357 --> 0:14:04.317 I don't even need to know. And the interesting thing 0:14:04.328 --> 0:14:06.848 is that we talked about how it mostly, you know, 0:14:06.918 --> 0:14:09.408 they say like, oh, only women are jealous of their 0:14:09.418 --> 0:14:13.027 partner's past. But so when we first got into a relationship, actually, 0:14:13.038 --> 0:14:14.687 we were both experience 0:14:14.905 --> 0:14:17.814 very strong levels of retroactive jealousy and so much that 0:14:17.825 --> 0:14:20.945 it really impacted our daily lives. Like, you know, hands 0:14:20.976 --> 0:14:23.156 were threatened to be thrown and stuff like that, which 0:14:23.166 --> 0:14:26.325 is very unhealthy. But for him, well, he's also got 0:14:26.335 --> 0:14:28.296 12 years on me. Right. And he's been working on 0:14:28.306 --> 0:14:30.744 himself a much longer time. He actually managed to, I 0:14:30.755 --> 0:14:34.216 wouldn't say recover but cope with it a lot quicker 0:14:34.226 --> 0:14:36.875 than I have been. I'm still stuck there. But he's 0:14:36.885 --> 0:14:38.755 like he's dealt with it and 0:14:38.864 --> 0:14:40.934 now he's on the other side. So I'm looking to 0:14:40.943 --> 0:14:42.773 get there and if you're listening. You're like, I also 0:14:42.783 --> 0:14:45.124 want to get there. We ask. No. OK. Don't worry, 0:14:45.133 --> 0:14:47.754 that's coming. That's coming. I have a question. So you 0:14:47.763 --> 0:14:49.963 were saying that, you know, everybody has baggage, right? And 0:14:49.973 --> 0:14:53.684 everybody has this like whole eyes but below the surface 0:14:53.693 --> 0:14:56.244 that can't be seen, you know, all this hurt trauma, whatever, 0:14:56.254 --> 0:14:58.463 but it's different for each person but everybody has it. 0:14:58.653 --> 0:15:01.234 So does that mean that it comes out in different 0:15:01.244 --> 0:15:02.874 shapes and form? And 0:15:02.992 --> 0:15:04.661 one of it is retroactive Jezzy. 0:15:05.021 --> 0:15:09.921 Yes. Absolutely. Our pains, our unresolved pains, they will find 0:15:09.932 --> 0:15:13.591 its way on how to let itself be known. So, 0:15:13.601 --> 0:15:16.090 one of the ways it could be retroactive jealousy for 0:15:16.101 --> 0:15:19.281 some is because they're dealing with so much suppression, it 0:15:19.291 --> 0:15:23.372 comes in a form of depression, anxiety, mood disorders, you know, 0:15:23.382 --> 0:15:26.521 procrastination and this list could actually go on. 0:15:27.289 --> 0:15:30.909 So, what you're saying is that retroactive jealousy doesn't necessarily 0:15:30.919 --> 0:15:34.409 mean that you're actually jealous of your partner's past. It 0:15:34.419 --> 0:15:38.200 could be a whole different underlying issue that is coming 0:15:38.210 --> 0:15:39.070 out as this. 0:15:39.200 --> 0:15:43.469 It is that past your partner's past romantic relationships as 0:15:43.479 --> 0:15:47.830 triggering and revisiting old wounds inside of you, right? The 0:15:47.880 --> 0:15:52.440 the unresolved fears, insecurities, childhood wounds and what we know 0:15:52.450 --> 0:15:53.960 about unresolved wounds 0:15:54.302 --> 0:15:57.172 is that it resides in the unconscious mind and body. 0:15:57.182 --> 0:16:00.973 So the unconscious is this hidden storage system inside of 0:16:00.982 --> 0:16:05.132 you that holds the emotional blueprint of past events. So 0:16:05.143 --> 0:16:08.963 it holds all the hurts, right? The emotions, the sensations, 0:16:08.973 --> 0:16:14.853 the memories of the times that you felt frightened, overwhelmed, abandoned, traumatized. 0:16:14.862 --> 0:16:17.252 So it's all inside there. And the work that we 0:16:17.263 --> 0:16:20.692 need to do is to be able to revisit safely 0:16:20.776 --> 0:16:23.935 these parts inside of us that's stored in that dark 0:16:23.945 --> 0:16:26.515 hidden storage and to be able to bring it up 0:16:26.526 --> 0:16:28.895 to that conscious layer. So that when it comes up, 0:16:28.906 --> 0:16:31.236 when we get triggered, we are aware that this is 0:16:31.245 --> 0:16:33.085 happening right now. I feel that one of the things 0:16:33.096 --> 0:16:35.895 that's so important for us to know to reduce this 0:16:35.906 --> 0:16:39.635 crazy confusion and frustration we're feeling right now is whenever 0:16:39.645 --> 0:16:42.806 it comes up, it's for us to understand this trigger, 0:16:42.815 --> 0:16:46.226 this jealousy that we're feeling, is it coming from present 0:16:46.236 --> 0:16:47.416 circumstances 0:16:47.518 --> 0:16:50.718 or is it coming from something in the past? Because 0:16:50.729 --> 0:16:53.578 when you don't know whether it's from the past or present, 0:16:53.588 --> 0:16:57.448 present past, it becomes mushed up, it becomes so confusing 0:16:57.559 --> 0:16:59.749 and you don't know even where to start in terms 0:16:59.758 --> 0:17:01.979 of your healing journey. But when you're able to take 0:17:01.989 --> 0:17:04.828 that step back to really reflect and see where is 0:17:04.838 --> 0:17:07.348 it coming from? If you see that is majority of 0:17:07.359 --> 0:17:09.498 it is coming from the past, then you know, that's 0:17:09.509 --> 0:17:11.538 the work that you need to get into when you 0:17:11.548 --> 0:17:13.499 know that it's coming from a prison that can be 0:17:13.509 --> 0:17:14.178 communicated 0:17:14.260 --> 0:17:17.041 and worked out with your partner more effectively? 0:17:17.051 --> 0:17:17.080 I 0:17:17.090 --> 0:17:20.980 believe I've seen research that says that a sign of 0:17:20.990 --> 0:17:23.869 retroactive jealousy when you find that you are unable to 0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:26.781 engage in sexual intercourse with your partner. Why does it 0:17:26.791 --> 0:17:27.171 get that 0:17:27.181 --> 0:17:27.801 serious? 0:17:28.859 --> 0:17:29.461 Does it get there? 0:17:29.470 --> 0:17:32.781 Because at the end of the day, it deals with intimacy, right? 0:17:32.791 --> 0:17:34.250 If at the end of the day, you have so 0:17:34.260 --> 0:17:37.109 much of this unresolved wounds on the inside, the fear 0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:40.000 is insecurities. So what that means is that your own 0:17:40.010 --> 0:17:40.910 relationship with your 0:17:41.005 --> 0:17:44.454 self, it doesn't feel secure, it doesn't feel intimate, right? 0:17:44.515 --> 0:17:47.625 And we tend to project whatever is going on inside. 0:17:47.714 --> 0:17:50.964 So if we ourselves find it hard to be intimate 0:17:50.974 --> 0:17:54.063 and vulnerable with ourselves, it makes sense that we are 0:17:54.074 --> 0:17:56.545 trying to be intimate and vulnerable with our partners, it's 0:17:56.555 --> 0:18:00.464 going to feel so hard, so unfamiliar and so awkward 0:18:00.474 --> 0:18:01.224 and foreign. 0:18:01.255 --> 0:18:03.515 So this is not even like, you know, I don't 0:18:03.525 --> 0:18:06.974 trust my partner. It could even be, I don't trust myself. Exactly. 0:18:08.560 --> 0:18:11.709 Sounds like a very deep problem. Work out. And you know, 0:18:11.719 --> 0:18:15.380