WEBVTT - Ep 8: Why Is Staying in Love So Difficult?! | The Hop Pod

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<v Speaker 1>Hello, everyone. Welcome to the hotpot where we hop into

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<v Speaker 1>different transitions in life. My name is Nick. I'm Joey

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm, and today we are going to be talking

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<v Speaker 1>about love,

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<v Speaker 1>love specifically how we fall in love. So how did

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<v Speaker 1>we fall in love? What makes us fall in love?

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<v Speaker 1>How you transition from being single into getting a relationship?

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<v Speaker 1>How do you navigate all the tingling feelings? I don't

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<v Speaker 1>remember

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<v Speaker 1>the feeling of love. No, I really don't remember the

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<v Speaker 1>feeling of being in love with someone because it's been

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<v Speaker 1>a while. What about

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<v Speaker 2>crush? Crush? The butterflies and the

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<v Speaker 1>how does it transition from a crush to

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<v Speaker 1>love? Can you stop? No, no, no. You can't ask

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<v Speaker 1>me because I don't, I don't remember.

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<v Speaker 2>OK. So for Q it's crush and then it goes

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<v Speaker 2>into love. I

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<v Speaker 1>would say infatuation in and crush the difference. I think

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<v Speaker 1>whenever people say crush, it feels like harmless.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you have a crush on anyone, correct? But infatuation

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<v Speaker 1>feels more intimate. You are actually getting to know someone already.

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<v Speaker 1>Crush might be from a distance. I candy crush,

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<v Speaker 2>right? Infatuation is like another step in OK. Crush

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<v Speaker 1>infatuation.

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<v Speaker 1>So actually, what does falling in love look like to you? Actually,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm more curious. You want to neglect my issues? Is

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<v Speaker 1>it

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<v Speaker 2>for me? Love comes very easy and fast. So I

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<v Speaker 2>want to hear it from a different perspective.

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<v Speaker 1>My memory of love was like 5 to 6 years ago.

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<v Speaker 1>So my parents recently pointed out that they notice that

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<v Speaker 1>I don't fall in love easily. Every time I date someone,

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<v Speaker 1>it just ends at the infatuation and then it just

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<v Speaker 1>never goes beyond a certain like

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<v Speaker 1>amount of feeling, emotion. What is

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<v Speaker 2>an indicator to yourself that it has transitioned from infatuation

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<v Speaker 2>to love?

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<v Speaker 1>Asking the right question is Joe. I don't know. I

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<v Speaker 1>think it's this mutual feeling when you don't need to

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<v Speaker 1>express it,

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<v Speaker 2>but it's just a feeling that, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>you just know it one day that this person loves

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<v Speaker 1>me and I love them so it has to be

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<v Speaker 1>mutual somehow for me unrequited love.

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<v Speaker 1>I've never had that so interesting, complicated. I think I

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<v Speaker 1>got people that don't love me before. Yeah, I think

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<v Speaker 1>I fall faster than the other person.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I think I stopped myself from falling in love

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<v Speaker 1>if I know that this person is not stable or

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<v Speaker 1>rather safe. So you think it can be controlled? I

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<v Speaker 1>think I can subconsciously control my feelings. I don't let

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<v Speaker 1>myself fall too deep. What about you? What does love

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<v Speaker 1>feel like

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<v Speaker 2>to you? I am absolutely hopeless, useless, romantic. I fall

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<v Speaker 2>in love

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<v Speaker 2>this fast. But I also fall out of love this fast.

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<v Speaker 2>I love the chase. I used to love the chase

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<v Speaker 2>and I chased someone for two months. Finally. Now they're

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<v Speaker 2>like obsessed with me. Right. And the moment I realized

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<v Speaker 2>that they were obsessed with me the way I was,

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<v Speaker 2>I immediately hated them.

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<v Speaker 1>Was it an egg? It became an

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<v Speaker 2>egg. I'm not even kidding. We went on a date.

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<v Speaker 2>It was so great. It was perfect. It was very

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<v Speaker 2>gentlemanly and,

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<v Speaker 2>and at the end of the day, on the way home,

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<v Speaker 2>I was like, I do not want to see him

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<v Speaker 2>ever again.

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<v Speaker 1>Ok. Do you think that it's because he came on

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<v Speaker 1>too hard?

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<v Speaker 2>It was equal. Like we finally matched each other, or

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<v Speaker 2>at least to me. Right.

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<v Speaker 1>So you think you must love more? You know what's

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<v Speaker 2>interesting? So, I recently there was a, there's a study

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<v Speaker 2>by a couples therapist who has a lot of experience

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<v Speaker 2>working with married couples. And he said that in every relationship,

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<v Speaker 2>of course, the best is when it's equal, when it's mutual,

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<v Speaker 2>the love is the same

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<v Speaker 2>at any time. If the love is stronger with one person,

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<v Speaker 2>it needs to be with the male and not the

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<v Speaker 2>female because intrinsically as females, it doesn't matter how much

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<v Speaker 2>we love the person, we will always operate on love.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't need to be in love with you, but

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<v Speaker 2>I will still do everything I need to do to

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<v Speaker 2>get everything done. Whereas once a man is out of love,

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<v Speaker 2>he can no longer be functioning in that family nucleus

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<v Speaker 2>anymore

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<v Speaker 2>based on his experience. And that blew my mind. Ok.

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<v Speaker 2>But anyway,

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<v Speaker 1>it late. No,

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<v Speaker 1>well, end of conversation because I mean, I think like

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<v Speaker 1>when I fall in love then

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<v Speaker 1>it's been nice love, right?

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<v Speaker 2>But ok, wait, so you understand the chase thing? Yeah. Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah. No, I'm a hopeless writing. So I am also

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<v Speaker 1>a chaser. So I have never, I have never been

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<v Speaker 1>chased before. No. But I think if someone chase me,

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<v Speaker 1>I think I like,

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know how

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<v Speaker 1>to work. I like chase. I don't think I can

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<v Speaker 1>fall in love if I'm being chased. Ok? If the

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<v Speaker 1>girl makes the first move, you don't like too obvious.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't like as in if she does it in

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<v Speaker 1>a cool manner,

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<v Speaker 1>I can, I can't wyd No, OK, like I, every

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<v Speaker 1>time I try to connect with someone, right? I will

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<v Speaker 1>always find a similar interest to talk about first and

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<v Speaker 1>I won't wait for that person to start the conversation first.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't believe in

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<v Speaker 1>men. Always making the first move. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't believe in men always making you like like, ok,

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<v Speaker 1>so common responses when people are asked to describe what

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<v Speaker 1>falling in love is like burst of energy and excitement.

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<v Speaker 1>Sense of newness. You got a new toy,

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<v Speaker 1>difficulty focusing on anything else? OK. OK. Your bond suddenly

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<v Speaker 1>remember then go go to desire to spend as much

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<v Speaker 1>time together as possible. Don't need your own personal space.

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<v Speaker 1>Interest in everything about them, feelings of attachment and a

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<v Speaker 1>sense of security. Can

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<v Speaker 2>I just say that it got to be very excited?

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<v Speaker 2>I love, love.

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<v Speaker 2>I love.

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<v Speaker 1>He cannot understand you. I keep

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<v Speaker 2>telling Charlie like, oh my God, I wish that we

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<v Speaker 2>could just go back to fall in love again again

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<v Speaker 2>again again, again,

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<v Speaker 1>even though you've been together with him for quite some time.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you fall in love again with your partner?

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<v Speaker 2>I think there are moments where I look at him

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<v Speaker 2>and I feel like butterflies again. Sometimes. Sometimes if you

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<v Speaker 2>always got butterflies at the doctor,

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<v Speaker 1>your stomach, I think so. I think it's in a

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<v Speaker 1>very different, it's a slightly different form should be funny.

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<v Speaker 1>Then

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<v Speaker 2>you're like, oh my God, you're so funny. I'm so

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<v Speaker 2>happy I'm with you. Right?

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<v Speaker 1>It's a very, very dizzy

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<v Speaker 2>like blood

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<v Speaker 1>pressure, not enough iron.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh, no. Actually I do. I look at him and

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<v Speaker 2>I was like, oh, so

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<v Speaker 1>what were the qualities you look for in your current partner?

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<v Speaker 1>So I think the first thing that attracted me to

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<v Speaker 1>her was we were emotionally very compatible. Can connect on

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<v Speaker 1>a deeper level. Also helped that I was physically, I

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<v Speaker 1>found her attractive, right? As in, I think I always

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<v Speaker 1>look for chemistry. And then I confuse chemistry with compatibility.

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<v Speaker 1>And the most recent person that I dated, we had

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<v Speaker 1>very strong chemistry and I was kind of like blinded

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<v Speaker 1>in a sense that this person might be the one

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<v Speaker 1>might be the person that I might end up being

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<v Speaker 1>in a relationship and falling in love with. But then

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<v Speaker 1>I realized like, oh his life trajectory and how I

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<v Speaker 1>see my life going is very different. Like, for example,

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<v Speaker 1>I would want to be married

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<v Speaker 1>and he wouldn't want to. And I think he's more

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<v Speaker 1>like a free spirit kind of guy. So I realized

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<v Speaker 1>all our dates were just dinner dates. We didn't do

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<v Speaker 1>anything else. Yeah. No. No. You know what I mean?

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<v Speaker 1>So that's very important. That's compatibility. How long did it

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<v Speaker 1>take for you to fall enough? Like, if you can remember,

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<v Speaker 1>I think how many months in one month,

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<v Speaker 1>one month in? I ready to drop the bomb ready? No. Ok.

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<v Speaker 1>Can I just say I met my very close friend

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<v Speaker 1>yesterday and then she recently met someone new and for

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<v Speaker 1>the first time she's in love,

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<v Speaker 1>not even one month in. And I realize it doesn't matter,

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<v Speaker 1>the duration doesn't matter once you really find a person,

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<v Speaker 1>that feeling and that connection. Right?

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<v Speaker 1>It will just come for me.

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<v Speaker 2>I knew I was in love with Charlie. I think the,

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<v Speaker 2>the

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<v Speaker 1>you need to teach me let go.

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<v Speaker 2>No, I think when the right person comes

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<v Speaker 1>you honestly.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, when the right person comes, wherever you are, please. Yeah. No,

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<v Speaker 2>I think we hit it off very quickly. Like we

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<v Speaker 2>both have wit and we had good chat. Um I

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<v Speaker 2>love that we didn't see eye to eye because then

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<v Speaker 2>we had these debates and sharing of our different opinions.

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<v Speaker 2>But it was very respectful. I never felt

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<v Speaker 2>once like I was wrong or like I had to

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<v Speaker 2>change my thinking. If anything, it helped me see a

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<v Speaker 2>different perspective, it helped him see a different perspective and

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<v Speaker 2>we come out of it, understand each other better. But

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<v Speaker 2>of course, the best part about, oh my God. Do you? No, no, no. Ok.

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<v Speaker 2>Listen at the start, right? When you are like

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<v Speaker 2>at this time, at this time when you're dating and

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<v Speaker 2>you send a text and then it's a bit risky like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>do you want to see, do you want to meet

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<v Speaker 2>me tomorrow or whatever? And then you're just like,

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<v Speaker 1>yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Is that what are you

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<v Speaker 1>doing tomorrow or?

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<v Speaker 2>Like, I think I like you

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<v Speaker 2>then you like,

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<v Speaker 1>ok, I don't flirt. I just like I like you. Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>you're very, you're a very direct person. You tease. No.

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<v Speaker 1>Why you like tomorrow?

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<v Speaker 1>I state my gross.

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<v Speaker 2>Then what is an indicator for her to know that

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<v Speaker 2>you are looking for

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<v Speaker 1>romance? I think I, to be honest, I think Nick

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<v Speaker 1>is just saying this right? But he

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<v Speaker 2>do you baby talk with your partner?

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<v Speaker 1>Not really. I don't, I

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<v Speaker 2>don't believe that's a lie. I know. I don't see

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<v Speaker 1>how you flick.

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<v Speaker 1>You got a reason. Honestly, I think I got, but

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<v Speaker 1>I can't demonstrate how I flirt. You know what I mean?

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<v Speaker 1>It has happened in a moment. It's no, but honestly,

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<v Speaker 1>humor will win.

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<v Speaker 2>I think humor is so important. Yeah. Someone recently asked me,

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<v Speaker 2>like a friend asked me what is the first thing

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<v Speaker 2>that drew you to? As I was telling him, I

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<v Speaker 2>had a realization and I learned this for the first

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<v Speaker 2>time that

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<v Speaker 2>I was, I immediately felt so proud to be myself. Like,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, sometimes when you're having a crush on someone

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<v Speaker 2>and you're trying to suss out their vibe, you don't

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<v Speaker 2>know if you can be entirely yourself without scaring them

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<v Speaker 2>away or like maybe you have different opinions and you

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<v Speaker 2>don't want to show your cards too soon. That kind

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<v Speaker 2>of hesitation, right? It's not like a,

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<v Speaker 2>I can't wait for you to know who I am. It's,

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<v Speaker 2>it's like a, I'm actually so proud of myself and

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<v Speaker 2>I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. I felt like I

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<v Speaker 2>could finally be 100% me and I would be accepted.

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<v Speaker 2>It was like a safe space. Judgment free. Yeah. It

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<v Speaker 2>felt like he would just really accept me for who

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<v Speaker 2>I

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<v Speaker 1>was when I feel the need to hold back certain

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<v Speaker 1>things

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<v Speaker 1>or certain traits about myself I feel unsafe. I feel

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<v Speaker 1>like that person wouldn't like me for this specific trait.

0:11:29.109 --> 0:11:31.510
<v Speaker 1>So then it's very hard for me to invest my

0:11:31.520 --> 0:11:34.900
<v Speaker 1>emotions into this person. Yeah, I think it's a clear

0:11:34.909 --> 0:11:36.369
<v Speaker 2>indicator that it is not the right thing.

0:11:36.820 --> 0:11:39.260
<v Speaker 1>So actually, like, how do you, how do you get

0:11:39.270 --> 0:11:42.070
<v Speaker 1>into a relationship? How do you dr

0:11:42.479 --> 0:11:43.979
<v Speaker 1>define the

0:11:43.989 --> 0:11:48.390
<v Speaker 2>relationship? Oh, for me, I got it. I got a

0:11:48.400 --> 0:11:52.429
<v Speaker 2>tattoo of Charlie's drawing, right? So we were in a

0:11:52.440 --> 0:11:56.299
<v Speaker 1>commitment. OK? 100%. So have you on my forever.

0:11:57.380 --> 0:11:58.770
<v Speaker 2>So we were like, we play a lot of online

0:11:58.780 --> 0:12:02.780
<v Speaker 2>games like drawing games, right? Drew, I took a screenshot

0:12:02.789 --> 0:12:06.530
<v Speaker 2>about his drawing because his drawings are very child, like

0:12:06.539 --> 0:12:08.710
<v Speaker 2>very cute. Yeah, they look like a three year old.

0:12:08.719 --> 0:12:10.890
<v Speaker 2>Drew them. Yeah. Um

0:12:11.359 --> 0:12:13.919
<v Speaker 2>And I saved them and we passed by a tattoo

0:12:13.929 --> 0:12:16.289
<v Speaker 2>parlor and like, OK, let's just do it like this

0:12:16.299 --> 0:12:18.289
<v Speaker 2>is the first time in my life, I've flown like

0:12:18.299 --> 0:12:21.659
<v Speaker 2>10,000 miles to meet someone. Even if we don't end

0:12:21.669 --> 0:12:24.700
<v Speaker 2>up together forever. I want to remember this day, you know,

0:12:24.710 --> 0:12:26.849
<v Speaker 2>so I was like, OK, let's just get this drawing.

0:12:26.859 --> 0:12:28.189
<v Speaker 2>So I got a drawing that he drew

0:12:28.650 --> 0:12:31.340
<v Speaker 2>and this is supposed to be a lamb. By the way,

0:12:31.349 --> 0:12:35.119
<v Speaker 2>it's not a lamb show, the camera, it's not a lamb. OK.

0:12:35.309 --> 0:12:38.270
<v Speaker 2>So anyway, I got it done. And then after I

0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:39.569
<v Speaker 2>was done, I was working with him and I said, oh,

0:12:39.580 --> 0:12:41.770
<v Speaker 2>what are you going to say to my friends when

0:12:41.780 --> 0:12:45.419
<v Speaker 2>they asked me, like, what this is? And then he

0:12:45.429 --> 0:12:47.988
<v Speaker 2>said you can tell them your boyfriend. No.

0:12:50.820 --> 0:12:57.449
<v Speaker 1>You know. Yeah. After that, I'm like, ok, my current relationship,

0:12:57.460 --> 0:12:59.939
<v Speaker 1>I was the, oh, how

0:12:59.950 --> 0:13:01.469
<v Speaker 2>did she ask you? I

0:13:01.479 --> 0:13:03.830
<v Speaker 1>never knew this because she said that she want to

0:13:03.840 --> 0:13:07.390
<v Speaker 1>be sure. But I really, sure. Now I still remember

0:13:07.400 --> 0:13:10.630
<v Speaker 1>we were supposed to, we were traveling the next day.

0:13:10.669 --> 0:13:13.209
<v Speaker 1>But then I was damn sick. I got fever and everything.

0:13:13.219 --> 0:13:14.809
<v Speaker 1>So I passed out at home and I said, OK,

0:13:14.820 --> 0:13:18.479
<v Speaker 1>I better recover before we fly. So then the two

0:13:18.489 --> 0:13:20.260
<v Speaker 1>hours that I was passed out. No, no,

0:13:20.969 --> 0:13:27.549
<v Speaker 1>in the apartment then inform the message that said like, oh,

0:13:28.039 --> 0:13:30.840
<v Speaker 1>I stay mine. She didn't say that. Is it like,

0:13:30.849 --> 0:13:31.859
<v Speaker 2>will you be my boyfriend

0:13:31.869 --> 0:13:36.190
<v Speaker 1>or what? No, I stay mine. I can't remember something

0:13:36.239 --> 0:13:36.450
<v Speaker 1>like that.

0:13:36.690 --> 0:13:39.669
<v Speaker 2>One of the first things that I always do in

0:13:39.679 --> 0:13:42.940
<v Speaker 2>a relationship, not like a lot but is figure out

0:13:42.950 --> 0:13:43.919
<v Speaker 2>love language.

0:13:44.289 --> 0:13:49.659
<v Speaker 2>Oh OK. There's words of affirmation, touch, touch, acts of service,

0:13:49.669 --> 0:13:50.848
<v Speaker 2>gifts and

0:13:50.859 --> 0:13:54.210
<v Speaker 1>time. So actually after entering a relationship, right? Do you

0:13:54.219 --> 0:13:57.809
<v Speaker 1>try to change your love language or adapt your partner's

0:13:57.820 --> 0:13:58.020
<v Speaker 1>love

0:13:58.030 --> 0:14:02.020
<v Speaker 2>language? Because I'm a very vocal person and I talk

0:14:02.030 --> 0:14:03.750
<v Speaker 2>to process. Whereas

0:14:04.849 --> 0:14:08.099
<v Speaker 2>my husband is the opposite of that. He needs his

0:14:08.109 --> 0:14:11.780
<v Speaker 2>quiet time to process when he doesn't talk to me.

0:14:11.789 --> 0:14:14.840
<v Speaker 2>I feel like we are not processing it, like we're

0:14:14.849 --> 0:14:15.979
<v Speaker 2>not processing the problem.

0:14:15.989 --> 0:14:17.859
<v Speaker 1>We're trying to work our affirmation. Yeah.

0:14:18.940 --> 0:14:21.619
<v Speaker 2>Exactly. And I was like, actually I am now

0:14:22.049 --> 0:14:26.369
<v Speaker 2>disrespecting his process. The way I express love is through

0:14:26.419 --> 0:14:29.820
<v Speaker 2>words of affirmation, but he didn't need it. And in fact,

0:14:29.830 --> 0:14:31.809
<v Speaker 2>it would stress him out even more. And it took

0:14:31.820 --> 0:14:34.940
<v Speaker 2>me a long time to realize that I am doing

0:14:34.950 --> 0:14:37.260
<v Speaker 2>it for me to feel better about his problem.

0:14:38.140 --> 0:14:41.280
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. So we found a good balance. Like if he's

0:14:41.289 --> 0:14:43.750
<v Speaker 2>not feeling it, he tells me and then I'll know

0:14:43.760 --> 0:14:45.640
<v Speaker 2>that it's nothing to do with me and I'll just

0:14:45.650 --> 0:14:45.909
<v Speaker 2>give him

0:14:45.919 --> 0:14:47.549
<v Speaker 1>space. So I love language is different.

0:14:48.299 --> 0:14:50.169
<v Speaker 2>I love languages are pretty different, but

0:14:50.179 --> 0:14:51.539
<v Speaker 1>I just need to give and take.

0:14:52.320 --> 0:14:54.630
<v Speaker 2>But I do feel like your question is interesting because

0:14:55.080 --> 0:14:58.239
<v Speaker 2>I have kind of adapted to it because the way

0:14:58.250 --> 0:15:00.659
<v Speaker 2>he gives and the way I receive can be different.

0:15:00.760 --> 0:15:02.809
<v Speaker 2>But if I know that that's how he gives, then

0:15:02.820 --> 0:15:04.309
<v Speaker 2>that's how I will receive it. Also

0:15:06.380 --> 0:15:07.669
<v Speaker 2>the question Paul,

0:15:09.159 --> 0:15:11.530
<v Speaker 1>what's something you still refuse to eat?

0:15:12.619 --> 0:15:17.580
<v Speaker 1>Salary? Huh? Ok. It was a but then I get it.

0:15:17.590 --> 0:15:22.140
<v Speaker 1>I get it. But in stews. Ok. So minimum five.

0:15:22.760 --> 0:15:26.950
<v Speaker 2>What is one green flag about yourself? I think I'm

0:15:26.960 --> 0:15:29.650
<v Speaker 2>always willing to listen. You're

0:15:29.659 --> 0:15:30.489
<v Speaker 1>going to laugh again

0:15:31.479 --> 0:15:33.460
<v Speaker 1>if you could swap souls with someone for a day,

0:15:33.469 --> 0:15:35.260
<v Speaker 1>who would it be? To be honest, I'll stop with

0:15:35.270 --> 0:15:37.340
<v Speaker 1>Nick because then I can travel a lot.

0:15:37.349 --> 0:15:39.219
<v Speaker 2>I'll be Nick. Then I'll be like, oh, I hustle

0:15:39.229 --> 0:15:40.340
<v Speaker 2>too hard today.

0:15:43.280 --> 0:15:46.729
<v Speaker 1>He's giving shack bite. But I think I would be

0:15:46.739 --> 0:15:47.359
<v Speaker 1>very curious

0:15:47.429 --> 0:15:49.469
<v Speaker 1>about a day in your life because you wake up

0:15:49.479 --> 0:15:50.380
<v Speaker 1>at 5 a.m.

0:15:50.440 --> 0:15:52.520
<v Speaker 2>and you drink three liters of water

0:15:52.650 --> 0:15:55.309
<v Speaker 1>and then when I drink three liters, oh, my most

0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:58.119
<v Speaker 1>days I wake up at five AMI sleep at 12. Sorry,

0:15:58.130 --> 0:16:00.400
<v Speaker 1>I sleep at 4 a.m. It's not enough. Don't do that.

0:16:00.409 --> 0:16:01.260
<v Speaker 1>Try and get 78

0:16:01.270 --> 0:16:03.440
<v Speaker 2>hours. I am very confused.

0:16:04.760 --> 0:16:07.780
<v Speaker 1>So our attachment styles can also significantly influence how you

0:16:07.789 --> 0:16:10.289
<v Speaker 1>experience love and relationship. Do you all know what your

0:16:10.299 --> 0:16:13.099
<v Speaker 1>attachment styles? Ok. Do you know what it means? No,

0:16:13.109 --> 0:16:15.830
<v Speaker 1>actually today is the first day that I found out

0:16:15.840 --> 0:16:22.000
<v Speaker 1>about attachment styles. OK? An attachment style. People will usually

0:16:22.010 --> 0:16:26.700
<v Speaker 1>want answers if your partner doesn't text back. You, you

0:16:26.710 --> 0:16:30.109
<v Speaker 1>never you overthink about like where are they, what are

0:16:30.119 --> 0:16:33.250
<v Speaker 1>they doing without me? Are they talking to another girl?

0:16:33.830 --> 0:16:36.299
<v Speaker 1>I think they are always questioning whether like things are

0:16:36.309 --> 0:16:40.200
<v Speaker 1>going the right way and then avoidant attachment styles are

0:16:40.210 --> 0:16:43.489
<v Speaker 1>known to have a bit of a complicated childhood. Their

0:16:43.500 --> 0:16:46.960
<v Speaker 1>parents weren't really there. That's why they are more avoidant.

0:16:46.969 --> 0:16:50.489
<v Speaker 1>So they will avoid any conflict or confrontation. And when

0:16:50.500 --> 0:16:52.669
<v Speaker 1>there's a problem, they rather run away than to talk

0:16:52.679 --> 0:16:56.150
<v Speaker 1>about it, then there's secure, which is the best, the

0:16:56.159 --> 0:16:58.469
<v Speaker 1>best kind you, you technically people should aim to be

0:16:58.479 --> 0:17:01.599
<v Speaker 1>a secure attachment style person. And then there's disorganizedd, which

0:17:01.609 --> 0:17:02.820
<v Speaker 1>is a mix of anxious and

0:17:03.299 --> 0:17:05.930
<v Speaker 1>er avoidant. So for the longest time, I thought I

0:17:05.939 --> 0:17:09.739
<v Speaker 1>was anxious, but I realized that my anxiousness is only

0:17:09.750 --> 0:17:13.649
<v Speaker 1>triggered when I did an avoidant because that person doesn't

0:17:13.660 --> 0:17:16.780
<v Speaker 1>want to sit down to talk to me. And, and

0:17:17.050 --> 0:17:20.889
<v Speaker 1>there was this one incident where this guy, he just for,

0:17:20.900 --> 0:17:24.650
<v Speaker 1>for one week, I was, I realized I was suppressing

0:17:24.660 --> 0:17:28.250
<v Speaker 1>my needs and like, why should I do that? And

0:17:28.260 --> 0:17:30.229
<v Speaker 1>eventually I texted him first.

0:17:30.660 --> 0:17:34.250
<v Speaker 1>Ah and I realized like, wow, he truly is an

0:17:34.260 --> 0:17:37.670
<v Speaker 1>avoidant person. And we were just opposites during

0:17:37.680 --> 0:17:40.390
<v Speaker 2>the test. They ask you a lot of questions about

0:17:40.400 --> 0:17:43.859
<v Speaker 2>your mom, your dad or your mother figure and your

0:17:43.869 --> 0:17:46.159
<v Speaker 2>father figure in your life, then your partner. And at

0:17:46.170 --> 0:17:50.829
<v Speaker 2>the end it said I am anxious but I feel

0:17:50.839 --> 0:17:53.930
<v Speaker 2>pretty secure in my relationship with my husband.

0:17:54.550 --> 0:17:56.699
<v Speaker 2>And then I remember that they asked a lot of

0:17:56.709 --> 0:18:01.160
<v Speaker 2>questions about your parents. And I remember answering it was

0:18:01.760 --> 0:18:05.400
<v Speaker 2>at the far end always. And I'm like, ok, interesting.

0:18:05.589 --> 0:18:08.760
<v Speaker 1>I avoid avoid, but I feel like I already knew that.

0:18:09.010 --> 0:18:12.119
<v Speaker 1>So with other people, I am super avoidant like I

0:18:12.130 --> 0:18:17.170
<v Speaker 1>don't really talk about feelings. Yeah. Or I will talk

0:18:17.180 --> 0:18:20.650
<v Speaker 1>about it very matter of factly. Right? And then

0:18:21.359 --> 0:18:25.300
<v Speaker 1>I think with my partner that is probably the most

0:18:25.339 --> 0:18:29.089
<v Speaker 1>emotionally open. I am ready. But even then she also

0:18:29.099 --> 0:18:32.409
<v Speaker 1>gives feedback that quite emotionally

0:18:32.660 --> 0:18:35.709
<v Speaker 1>locked up. Yeah. I think a lot of it stems

0:18:35.719 --> 0:18:41.129
<v Speaker 1>from my childhood because I was the oldest child, material

0:18:41.140 --> 0:18:44.728
<v Speaker 1>comforts and needs were always met. So I got no fear.

0:18:44.739 --> 0:18:47.060
<v Speaker 1>I don't have any fear of being picked out of

0:18:47.069 --> 0:18:49.339
<v Speaker 1>the house or abandoned or anything like that, but just

0:18:49.349 --> 0:18:52.160
<v Speaker 1>the emotional side of things, my parents generally left me

0:18:52.170 --> 0:18:54.010
<v Speaker 1>to go and figure it out.

0:18:54.755 --> 0:18:56.925
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. So, even now I'm also always like whenever I'm

0:18:56.935 --> 0:18:58.764
<v Speaker 1>going through stuff, I'll be like, I want to, I

0:18:58.775 --> 0:19:02.344
<v Speaker 1>prefer to deal with that myself. Actually, I think most

0:19:02.375 --> 0:19:07.905
<v Speaker 1>men avoidant. I wouldn't categorize them as avoidant totally. But

0:19:07.915 --> 0:19:11.145
<v Speaker 1>they rather process it on their own first. They want

0:19:11.155 --> 0:19:14.005
<v Speaker 1>to be left alone. Then the women will always be OK. Sorry,

0:19:14.015 --> 0:19:16.724
<v Speaker 1>I shouldn't generalize. But then a lot of women that

0:19:16.734 --> 0:19:21.083
<v Speaker 1>I know would rather talk about it right now we

0:19:21.094 --> 0:19:22.284
<v Speaker 1>solve it, then go to sleep,

0:19:22.689 --> 0:19:23.609
<v Speaker 1>you know. Yeah.

0:19:23.619 --> 0:19:27.150
<v Speaker 2>I think a lot of that also is a direct

0:19:27.160 --> 0:19:30.629
<v Speaker 2>cause of the way society

0:19:30.910 --> 0:19:34.609
<v Speaker 2>expect men to just have it all together. You have feelings,

0:19:34.619 --> 0:19:37.649
<v Speaker 2>don't talk about it. That's how our parents were. Yeah,

0:19:37.660 --> 0:19:42.050
<v Speaker 2>like men don't cry, don't show any sign of weakness.

0:19:42.229 --> 0:19:44.389
<v Speaker 2>And as a result, I feel like it trickles down

0:19:44.400 --> 0:19:48.109
<v Speaker 2>into how boys are raised. I have a guy friend

0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:50.829
<v Speaker 2>who is very, and when we're in a group setting

0:19:50.969 --> 0:19:52.609
<v Speaker 2>and we are all like sharing, you know, we play

0:19:52.619 --> 0:19:55.520
<v Speaker 2>like we're not really strangers and they actually vocalize that, like, oh,

0:19:55.530 --> 0:19:57.800
<v Speaker 2>you know, I've actually never been able to talk like

0:19:57.810 --> 0:19:59.459
<v Speaker 2>this with anyone. Not even my sister,

0:19:59.555 --> 0:20:03.514
<v Speaker 2>it's not even my family because we're just not like that. Yeah.

0:20:03.525 --> 0:20:03.535
<v Speaker 2>I

0:20:03.545 --> 0:20:06.064
<v Speaker 1>think I'm not very in tune with some emotions. Like,

0:20:06.074 --> 0:20:06.364
<v Speaker 1>what

0:20:06.454 --> 0:20:07.604
<v Speaker 2>she says this with the most.

0:20:08.584 --> 0:20:12.084
<v Speaker 1>I don't think I name some emotions. I don't really

0:20:12.094 --> 0:20:19.214
<v Speaker 1>connect with sadness. I'm either, like, frustrated or angry or anxious.

0:20:19.224 --> 0:20:22.244
<v Speaker 1>You have never really labeled your feelings as I'm sad

0:20:22.405 --> 0:20:25.135
<v Speaker 1>right now. Like you say, I'm angry. I'm frustrated. When

0:20:25.145 --> 0:20:25.545
<v Speaker 1>was the last

0:20:25.555 --> 0:20:26.714
<v Speaker 2>time you cried? 20

0:20:26.824 --> 0:20:28.045
<v Speaker 1>18 yesterday? Huh?

0:20:28.410 --> 0:20:30.899
<v Speaker 1>Fire fires and air cry.

0:20:32.020 --> 0:20:33.409
<v Speaker 1>No, you're kidding. Is that right?

0:20:34.229 --> 0:20:34.989
<v Speaker 2>So that's

0:20:35.000 --> 0:20:36.540
<v Speaker 1>ok. Yeah, I think so.

0:20:37.849 --> 0:20:43.159
<v Speaker 1>Punch in tune with happiness and all the other stuff.

0:20:44.180 --> 0:20:46.770
<v Speaker 1>But do you think that you're suppressing quite happy with

0:20:46.780 --> 0:20:47.209
<v Speaker 1>the way? I

0:20:47.219 --> 0:20:49.650
<v Speaker 2>mean, it's functioning and you don't feel like every time

0:20:49.660 --> 0:20:51.389
<v Speaker 2>you want to cry, you push it down. I think

0:20:51.739 --> 0:20:53.149
<v Speaker 2>you don't even feel like, yeah, I

0:20:53.180 --> 0:20:55.449
<v Speaker 1>think you can really

0:20:56.930 --> 0:20:58.319
<v Speaker 2>actually you said you are

0:20:59.089 --> 0:21:02.800
<v Speaker 2>avoid it but then you are direct in your delivery

0:21:02.810 --> 0:21:06.459
<v Speaker 2>when you are communicating things. Do you feel like there's

0:21:06.540 --> 0:21:06.550
<v Speaker 2>a

0:21:07.650 --> 0:21:08.659
<v Speaker 2>clash? I

0:21:08.670 --> 0:21:14.670
<v Speaker 1>think the positive, positive messages and communication. I am comfortable

0:21:14.680 --> 0:21:18.900
<v Speaker 1>being direct but maybe if it's like confrontation or conflict,

0:21:18.989 --> 0:21:21.369
<v Speaker 1>then not. So, so for you guys, what do you

0:21:21.380 --> 0:21:24.750
<v Speaker 1>think sustains your relationship and the love that you guys have?

0:21:25.369 --> 0:21:25.389
<v Speaker 1>Who

0:21:26.489 --> 0:21:29.650
<v Speaker 1>deep questions, avoidant attachment style trigger.

0:21:31.630 --> 0:21:33.569
<v Speaker 2>It's ok. I can answer first. I feel

0:21:33.579 --> 0:21:35.540
<v Speaker 1>like this episode is draining him because he needs to

0:21:35.550 --> 0:21:41.050
<v Speaker 1>reflect and evaluate his emotions. I see his eyes drifting

0:21:41.060 --> 0:21:44.429
<v Speaker 1>away every day. Just wake up and just love love.

0:21:46.189 --> 0:21:49.649
<v Speaker 1>I want to have that kind of brain. I want

0:21:49.660 --> 0:21:52.420
<v Speaker 1>to feel less. You know what I mean? No, I

0:21:52.430 --> 0:21:53.160
<v Speaker 1>don't think, no,

0:21:55.030 --> 0:21:58.989
<v Speaker 1>I don't want to feel, I don't, I feel like

0:21:59.000 --> 0:22:03.540
<v Speaker 1>I sometimes feel too much and it can be a burden.

0:22:03.969 --> 0:22:07.050
<v Speaker 1>But anyway, going back to your relationships and how you

0:22:07.060 --> 0:22:12.520
<v Speaker 1>sustain the love for my relationship specifically, we try to,

0:22:12.530 --> 0:22:17.619
<v Speaker 1>we value new experiences. So travel or like trying out

0:22:17.630 --> 0:22:20.790
<v Speaker 1>new things. Yeah. No, I do think that trying new

0:22:20.800 --> 0:22:24.688
<v Speaker 1>things gives you the opportunity to talk about things and

0:22:24.709 --> 0:22:26.260
<v Speaker 1>reflect on those memories

0:22:26.550 --> 0:22:30.069
<v Speaker 1>every day. Stay home, watch show we talk about in

0:22:30.079 --> 0:22:32.969
<v Speaker 1>the future. There's no newfound interest. I think a lot

0:22:32.979 --> 0:22:36.679
<v Speaker 1>of times the thing that sort of keeps things interesting,

0:22:36.689 --> 0:22:39.359
<v Speaker 1>right is you see how your partner reacts to new

0:22:39.369 --> 0:22:42.479
<v Speaker 1>experiences and new things and then you can communicate. Do

0:22:42.489 --> 0:22:43.889
<v Speaker 1>you like this? Do you not like this? And then

0:22:43.900 --> 0:22:45.449
<v Speaker 1>you learn new things about each other? So I think

0:22:45.459 --> 0:22:49.000
<v Speaker 1>a lot of times what keeps relationships going, right?

0:22:49.300 --> 0:22:53.339
<v Speaker 1>Is discovering more about each other and I think that

0:22:53.349 --> 0:22:56.329
<v Speaker 1>is supposed to continue until you die. Yeah.

0:22:56.709 --> 0:23:00.109
<v Speaker 2>I think, I think communication matters the most sometimes when

0:23:00.119 --> 0:23:03.599
<v Speaker 2>you are having arguments too. Like a lot of times

0:23:03.609 --> 0:23:08.069
<v Speaker 2>in previous relationships, I found that I listened to reply,

0:23:08.469 --> 0:23:11.639
<v Speaker 2>like I listen to quickly find a counter. And in

0:23:11.650 --> 0:23:15.839
<v Speaker 2>my relationship now I listen to understand because we are

0:23:15.849 --> 0:23:18.599
<v Speaker 2>different culturally. We are very different too. So there are

0:23:18.609 --> 0:23:21.359
<v Speaker 2>certain things that, you know, I have to understand that

0:23:21.369 --> 0:23:22.660
<v Speaker 2>if he does, it's not

0:23:23.619 --> 0:23:26.849
<v Speaker 2>out of malice or ignorance, it's just like he just,

0:23:27.020 --> 0:23:28.619
<v Speaker 2>he really grew up differently.

0:23:28.630 --> 0:23:32.199
<v Speaker 1>What about the people who choose to be single? Do

0:23:32.209 --> 0:23:35.050
<v Speaker 1>you think that their attachment style affects whether they choose

0:23:35.060 --> 0:23:37.010
<v Speaker 1>to be single or not? And then the relationships that

0:23:37.020 --> 0:23:39.449
<v Speaker 1>they have with their friends and family,

0:23:39.589 --> 0:23:41.699
<v Speaker 2>I feel like attachment styles

0:23:41.890 --> 0:23:45.750
<v Speaker 2>don't necessarily have to correlate with romance because it's the

0:23:45.760 --> 0:23:49.300
<v Speaker 2>way you view relationships, right? And the way you problem solve. OK.

0:23:49.310 --> 0:23:53.619
<v Speaker 2>Based on your dating experience, how tough is it out there?

0:23:53.910 --> 0:23:58.599
<v Speaker 1>It's rough guys. It's rough. It's really rough if you

0:23:58.609 --> 0:24:01.619
<v Speaker 1>go and ask all your single friends right around our age.

0:24:02.130 --> 0:24:05.819
<v Speaker 1>I think there are two things, dating apps wise. The pool,

0:24:06.339 --> 0:24:09.119
<v Speaker 1>the pool is, I want to say not great, but

0:24:09.550 --> 0:24:12.689
<v Speaker 1>you see the same people on different apps. I feel

0:24:12.699 --> 0:24:17.160
<v Speaker 1>like everyone is kind of like also having failed connections

0:24:17.170 --> 0:24:18.510
<v Speaker 1>is really quite tiring. After a

0:24:18.520 --> 0:24:20.750
<v Speaker 2>while, you have to constantly put yourself out there. Start

0:24:20.760 --> 0:24:25.810
<v Speaker 2>from zero. Have the whole, what's your favorite color over

0:24:25.819 --> 0:24:26.560
<v Speaker 2>and over and over?

0:24:26.569 --> 0:24:29.099
<v Speaker 1>You have to be vulnerable all over again to someone

0:24:29.109 --> 0:24:29.599
<v Speaker 1>new and

0:24:29.959 --> 0:24:32.579
<v Speaker 1>it just, it's just a very tiring process. I have

0:24:32.589 --> 0:24:36.369
<v Speaker 1>a single friend girl who said that the ship has

0:24:36.380 --> 0:24:39.430
<v Speaker 1>sailed for people our age. The next ship will come

0:24:39.439 --> 0:24:41.150
<v Speaker 1>right with the divorcees.

0:24:42.069 --> 0:24:44.969
<v Speaker 1>But she said like the prime age is from the

0:24:45.020 --> 0:24:49.389
<v Speaker 1>uni until like maybe two years after uni still got

0:24:49.400 --> 0:24:52.129
<v Speaker 1>a chance. Then by then everybody partnered up already. But

0:24:52.140 --> 0:24:53.119
<v Speaker 2>I do feel like

0:24:53.589 --> 0:24:58.020
<v Speaker 2>there is this pressure like, oh, you're 28 and too single.

0:24:58.030 --> 0:25:00.540
<v Speaker 2>Are you one like that? Is it a too picky?

0:25:01.250 --> 0:25:01.500
<v Speaker 1>But

0:25:02.530 --> 0:25:05.130
<v Speaker 2>what's wrong with being single at 28?

0:25:06.000 --> 0:25:08.729
<v Speaker 1>No guys? I want to jump on that. People always

0:25:08.739 --> 0:25:12.099
<v Speaker 1>say that. But what's wrong with having standards because you

0:25:12.109 --> 0:25:14.250
<v Speaker 1>only have one life and if you want to choose

0:25:14.260 --> 0:25:17.030
<v Speaker 1>the right person, why should your bar be low? I

0:25:17.040 --> 0:25:17.650
<v Speaker 1>think there's nothing

0:25:17.660 --> 0:25:19.129
<v Speaker 2>wrong with it and there's nothing wrong with wanting to

0:25:19.140 --> 0:25:21.439
<v Speaker 2>wait until the right person comes like

0:25:21.650 --> 0:25:26.349
<v Speaker 2>we can totally function as single people. So after everything

0:25:26.359 --> 0:25:28.419
<v Speaker 2>that we discussed, I think falling in love sounds like

0:25:28.430 --> 0:25:30.359
<v Speaker 2>super fun and great. And it's always like, you know,

0:25:30.369 --> 0:25:33.300
<v Speaker 2>you see the butterflies but it's not always a bill

0:25:33.319 --> 0:25:35.949
<v Speaker 2>of roses and it actually is a lot of hard

0:25:35.959 --> 0:25:39.650
<v Speaker 2>work and commitment to keep staying in love and in

0:25:39.660 --> 0:25:42.698
<v Speaker 2>your relationship to make it work. Just choose love guys

0:25:42.709 --> 0:25:44.649
<v Speaker 2>every day. You wake up and choose

0:25:44.660 --> 0:25:46.900
<v Speaker 1>love. Yes. If you want to be single, be single.

0:25:46.910 --> 0:25:49.069
<v Speaker 1>If you want to be attached, be attached.

0:25:50.829 --> 0:25:52.439
<v Speaker 1>Thank you so much for watching the hotpot. We are

0:25:52.449 --> 0:25:54.839
<v Speaker 1>also on Spotify Apple Podcast and me to listen

0:25:55.150 --> 0:25:57.439
<v Speaker 2>and please leave us a comment down below on why

0:25:57.449 --> 0:26:00.069
<v Speaker 2>you love being in love, your favorite love stories or

0:26:00.079 --> 0:26:02.050
<v Speaker 2>why you love being single. We want to hear all

0:26:02.060 --> 0:26:02.969
<v Speaker 2>about it and

0:26:02.979 --> 0:26:05.829
<v Speaker 1>if you haven't already, please subscribe to our channel as

0:26:05.839 --> 0:26:08.040
<v Speaker 1>well at you God watch and we will see you

0:26:08.050 --> 0:26:10.040
<v Speaker 1>next week. Bye bye.