1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,090 Speaker 1: Hi hazel Zero and I'm Jermaine and welcome back to 2 00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:08,090 Speaker 1: another episode of clarity's podcast. So today we are going 3 00:00:08,090 --> 00:00:10,220 Speaker 1: to have a very intimate discussion and we've got a 4 00:00:10,220 --> 00:00:14,830 Speaker 1: special guest with us, please welcome Miss Carrie Thanh, you 5 00:00:14,830 --> 00:00:17,980 Speaker 1: might know her as Mp of Nissan Grc, but Carrie, 6 00:00:17,980 --> 00:00:20,050 Speaker 1: you do so much more than that. Tell us more. 7 00:00:20,140 --> 00:00:23,780 Speaker 2: Well, it's been a pretty well wind past 10 years 8 00:00:23,780 --> 00:00:28,310 Speaker 2: I founded a women's charity called daughters of tomorrow and 9 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:33,620 Speaker 2: 2020 became an MP. And as of last year I 10 00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:38,560 Speaker 2: started transformative transformative coaching to help people 11 00:00:38,940 --> 00:00:40,040 Speaker 2: with their lives. 12 00:00:40,050 --> 00:00:41,979 Speaker 1: What's transformative coaching 13 00:00:41,990 --> 00:00:44,250 Speaker 2: is like you have a deep cleanse 14 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:48,170 Speaker 2: in your emotions and in your, you know, spirit and 15 00:00:48,170 --> 00:00:51,449 Speaker 2: soul inside out. Like you really get the stuff out 16 00:00:51,460 --> 00:00:54,630 Speaker 2: that hasn't been looked at, hasn't been attended to, hasn't 17 00:00:54,630 --> 00:00:57,800 Speaker 2: been processed. So you can understand it and you can 18 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:01,800 Speaker 2: understand yourself and you can choose um what you would 19 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,900 Speaker 2: like to believe in, that can take you forward into 20 00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:04,459 Speaker 2: your life 21 00:01:04,740 --> 00:01:07,410 Speaker 2: with none of the baggage that you weren't conscious that 22 00:01:07,410 --> 00:01:08,260 Speaker 2: you had, right? 23 00:01:08,270 --> 00:01:10,970 Speaker 1: So if people want to detox your body, they drink juice. 24 00:01:10,980 --> 00:01:14,190 Speaker 1: Your mind is detox your mind and so you go 25 00:01:14,190 --> 00:01:16,020 Speaker 1: to carry. Yeah, 26 00:01:16,030 --> 00:01:18,560 Speaker 2: that's kind of like how I would explain it. It's 27 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:22,070 Speaker 2: like a mind. Body, not body. Mind and soul detox. 28 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:22,820 Speaker 2: I know 29 00:01:22,819 --> 00:01:26,970 Speaker 1: a few people here who could benefit from that actually 30 00:01:26,970 --> 00:01:27,450 Speaker 1: every 31 00:01:27,450 --> 00:01:30,149 Speaker 2: every human being can benefit from that. So, 32 00:01:30,150 --> 00:01:32,440 Speaker 1: you know, this episode is coming out very near to 33 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:36,199 Speaker 1: Father's Day and we also just celebrated Mother's Day last month, right? 34 00:01:36,209 --> 00:01:38,669 Speaker 1: And I think when we were growing up, we all 35 00:01:38,670 --> 00:01:42,350 Speaker 1: have different relationships with our parents, but because of those 36 00:01:42,350 --> 00:01:46,569 Speaker 1: relationships it really builds character and it shows you who 37 00:01:46,569 --> 00:01:49,160 Speaker 1: you are for sure the good, the bad, the ugly. 38 00:01:49,170 --> 00:01:50,790 Speaker 1: So that's what we're going to talk about today and 39 00:01:50,790 --> 00:01:54,000 Speaker 1: we've got carry here to help us along because she's 40 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:55,650 Speaker 1: got a lot of experience unpacking 41 00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:58,000 Speaker 1: that part of her life as well. And I think 42 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,200 Speaker 1: you know when it comes to especially being in an 43 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,210 Speaker 1: asian household, like we all have some sort of things 44 00:02:03,220 --> 00:02:05,280 Speaker 1: to say about our parents, Please mom and dad don't 45 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:06,150 Speaker 1: listen to this episode 46 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,490 Speaker 1: or listen to this episode. You may actually benefit from 47 00:02:10,490 --> 00:02:13,820 Speaker 1: it and I'm sure Kerry has had many, what do 48 00:02:13,820 --> 00:02:16,540 Speaker 1: you call your clients, do you call them clients, 49 00:02:16,540 --> 00:02:19,150 Speaker 2: clients, students, coaches, 50 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:22,610 Speaker 1: coaches, coming to you with like issues they have had 51 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:25,600 Speaker 1: from their families or their relationships and we can't wait 52 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:26,860 Speaker 1: to hear more about them. 53 00:02:26,940 --> 00:02:30,110 Speaker 1: But first of all, how is your relationship like with 54 00:02:30,110 --> 00:02:33,299 Speaker 1: your parents? If I may ask the floor Very, very honestly. 55 00:02:33,310 --> 00:02:35,660 Speaker 2: Well it was very 56 00:02:36,139 --> 00:02:37,010 Speaker 2: to maltese 57 00:02:37,540 --> 00:02:41,769 Speaker 2: When I was younger and it really only got much 58 00:02:41,770 --> 00:02:46,870 Speaker 2: better when I hit my 31st year on earth 59 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:51,980 Speaker 1: relationships can get better after so long being together with them. 60 00:02:51,990 --> 00:02:55,270 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think there are some things that happened to 61 00:02:55,270 --> 00:02:56,160 Speaker 2: us in life that 62 00:02:56,940 --> 00:02:59,840 Speaker 2: causes us to reflect on things right? And I guess 63 00:02:59,850 --> 00:03:02,980 Speaker 2: one of the big part of my daddy issue had 64 00:03:02,980 --> 00:03:05,760 Speaker 2: to do with feeling like, you know, because my dad's 65 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,660 Speaker 2: like very patriarchal conservative too man, 66 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,460 Speaker 2: um I was told from, you know, since young, like, 67 00:03:11,470 --> 00:03:14,700 Speaker 2: oh girls shouldn't do this because shouldn't do that. And 68 00:03:14,710 --> 00:03:17,359 Speaker 2: somehow the conversations happen at home, 69 00:03:17,540 --> 00:03:20,519 Speaker 2: that made me have this impression and believe in my 70 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:24,450 Speaker 2: mind that my dad, because he valued his face not 71 00:03:24,450 --> 00:03:28,620 Speaker 2: losing face more than me. And that was this unconscious 72 00:03:28,620 --> 00:03:31,360 Speaker 2: thing that I was fighting. Um 73 00:03:31,740 --> 00:03:34,170 Speaker 2: And grappling with, you know, for a large part of 74 00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:37,910 Speaker 2: my life until when I was 30, I got married, 75 00:03:37,910 --> 00:03:39,880 Speaker 2: I think this is actually public. 76 00:03:39,890 --> 00:03:41,100 Speaker 1: Yeah, 77 00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 2: I got I got I got married and marriage didn't 78 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,640 Speaker 2: work out and I think it was through that quite 79 00:03:46,650 --> 00:03:47,850 Speaker 2: difficult 80 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,710 Speaker 2: incident, an episode in my life that I got to 81 00:03:50,710 --> 00:03:54,460 Speaker 2: see that for reel and felt for reel that my 82 00:03:54,460 --> 00:03:57,060 Speaker 2: dad loved me more than anything. 83 00:03:57,070 --> 00:04:02,010 Speaker 1: So circumstances in life can actually give you a new perspective. 84 00:04:02,020 --> 00:04:05,480 Speaker 2: Exactly. And sometimes it's the pretty shitty painful things that 85 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,360 Speaker 2: happen that 86 00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:09,890 Speaker 2: is trying to tell us something, right? 87 00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:13,050 Speaker 1: But I would imagine that it wouldn't have healed overnight 88 00:04:13,050 --> 00:04:15,320 Speaker 1: as well, it required a lot of work for maybe 89 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,609 Speaker 1: your and your parents and as well sort of men. 90 00:04:17,610 --> 00:04:22,400 Speaker 2: That that's really interesting. Um I realized that when we 91 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:26,250 Speaker 2: heal when I healed and and continue to heal as 92 00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:27,159 Speaker 2: a person 93 00:04:27,339 --> 00:04:29,950 Speaker 2: than the people around me also evolve 94 00:04:30,140 --> 00:04:35,030 Speaker 2: because when we operate in this world, people respond to 95 00:04:35,029 --> 00:04:37,560 Speaker 2: us and they're a reflection and mirror of what we 96 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:41,089 Speaker 2: have inside us. So when we come into this, any 97 00:04:41,089 --> 00:04:45,950 Speaker 2: interaction with people feeling balanced and healed and whole and compassionate, 98 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:46,460 Speaker 2: then 99 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:49,830 Speaker 2: there's no negativity to bounce off and bounce back at us. 100 00:04:49,839 --> 00:04:52,720 Speaker 2: So well it's, it's a journey but it starts with 101 00:04:52,730 --> 00:04:54,870 Speaker 2: us taking ownership of our own healing. 102 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,720 Speaker 1: You were telling us pre, you know, pre recording that 103 00:04:57,730 --> 00:05:00,460 Speaker 1: when you were young, you ran away from home. 104 00:05:00,540 --> 00:05:00,989 Speaker 1: It wasn't 105 00:05:00,990 --> 00:05:03,690 Speaker 2: That young or so I asked quite embarrassing, but I 106 00:05:03,690 --> 00:05:06,150 Speaker 2: ran away from home in my 20's 107 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:07,350 Speaker 1: when 108 00:05:07,350 --> 00:05:10,159 Speaker 2: I had the financial means to and I was working 109 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,060 Speaker 2: to be able to feed myself and 110 00:05:12,339 --> 00:05:14,950 Speaker 2: find myself a place to stay. But I think the 111 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:19,320 Speaker 2: difficult teenage years had a very protracted runway until I 112 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,359 Speaker 2: felt like, hey, okay, now I'm making my own money. 113 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,040 Speaker 2: I can probably survive on my 114 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:27,089 Speaker 1: own rational. Most people run away from home with like 115 00:05:27,089 --> 00:05:31,180 Speaker 1: no idea, plans, no plans after that. Did you go 116 00:05:31,180 --> 00:05:31,960 Speaker 1: back home after that? 117 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:32,250 Speaker 1: Well 118 00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:33,450 Speaker 2: actually I've 119 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:38,049 Speaker 2: stayed out. I mean like I've stayed on my own 120 00:05:38,060 --> 00:05:39,180 Speaker 1: since running away 121 00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:40,270 Speaker 2: from home since then. I mean 122 00:05:40,270 --> 00:05:41,160 Speaker 1: I still go back 123 00:05:41,170 --> 00:05:43,170 Speaker 2: to my parents and I stayed with them once in 124 00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:45,050 Speaker 2: a while, but it's like staycation kind of thing, you know, 125 00:05:45,060 --> 00:05:45,510 Speaker 2: So 126 00:05:45,510 --> 00:05:48,179 Speaker 1: what were you trying to escape when you left 127 00:05:48,190 --> 00:05:50,260 Speaker 2: on hindsight? I realized that 128 00:05:51,540 --> 00:05:54,700 Speaker 2: I was really trying to find my own space to 129 00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:57,460 Speaker 2: be my own person. But I really wanted to, it 130 00:05:57,460 --> 00:06:00,270 Speaker 2: was a combination of, hey, can I be out there 131 00:06:00,270 --> 00:06:02,080 Speaker 2: in this world on my own. It was like I 132 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,360 Speaker 2: wanted to challenge myself. 133 00:06:03,740 --> 00:06:06,760 Speaker 2: Um, and I think maybe feeling like someone 134 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,240 Speaker 2: is telling me how I should live my life Well, 135 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,610 Speaker 2: I don't think my parents meant it that 136 00:06:11,620 --> 00:06:15,420 Speaker 1: way for sure. The best intentions at heart, it's just 137 00:06:15,420 --> 00:06:17,810 Speaker 1: that the way they grew up and also, you know 138 00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:20,300 Speaker 1: what they have learned growing up sometimes they can project 139 00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:21,830 Speaker 1: that on us, right? And I feel like this is 140 00:06:21,830 --> 00:06:24,490 Speaker 1: the case especially so for jimmy and myself as well, 141 00:06:24,490 --> 00:06:31,099 Speaker 1: our parents are very, very traditional conservative asian parents right? 142 00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:34,859 Speaker 1: But so that's for jermaine and myself, how would you 143 00:06:34,940 --> 00:06:37,299 Speaker 1: say your relationship is like with your parents? To me, 144 00:06:37,310 --> 00:06:40,350 Speaker 1: I think it's been through a lot of ups and downs. 145 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,310 Speaker 1: I've had to really understand, you know why they are 146 00:06:43,310 --> 00:06:45,849 Speaker 1: like that or because when I was growing up it's 147 00:06:45,850 --> 00:06:49,580 Speaker 1: not that I didn't receive love, it's that I think 148 00:06:49,589 --> 00:06:52,310 Speaker 1: they don't know how to be emotionally available. They don't 149 00:06:52,310 --> 00:06:55,220 Speaker 1: know how to communicate about those things, but never once 150 00:06:55,220 --> 00:06:56,659 Speaker 1: did they show me they don't love me 151 00:06:56,940 --> 00:06:59,390 Speaker 1: like I'll give you an instance, you know, something that 152 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,760 Speaker 1: manifest in my life now I realized from my childhood. 153 00:07:01,770 --> 00:07:04,230 Speaker 1: So when I used to be really upset, I didn't 154 00:07:04,230 --> 00:07:07,350 Speaker 1: know how to regulate my emotions out throw tantrums and 155 00:07:07,350 --> 00:07:09,409 Speaker 1: my parents would just lock me in my room for 156 00:07:09,420 --> 00:07:12,120 Speaker 1: hours on end and just let me try to figure 157 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,020 Speaker 1: that out by myself. But I was young, I had 158 00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:17,050 Speaker 1: no idea what was going on. So now when I 159 00:07:17,050 --> 00:07:18,060 Speaker 1: argue my partner, 160 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:21,110 Speaker 1: I escaped, I locked myself and I don't let anyone 161 00:07:21,110 --> 00:07:23,780 Speaker 1: in and he finds it very frustrating because he likes 162 00:07:23,780 --> 00:07:24,650 Speaker 1: to communicate about 163 00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:25,860 Speaker 2: things. But that 164 00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:28,610 Speaker 1: stems from how I was treated when I was young. 165 00:07:28,620 --> 00:07:29,410 Speaker 1: Pretty 166 00:07:29,410 --> 00:07:32,210 Speaker 2: much. I think that's really awesome that you arrived at 167 00:07:32,220 --> 00:07:35,070 Speaker 2: having awareness of that. And you know, it's really interesting 168 00:07:35,070 --> 00:07:36,150 Speaker 2: because from 169 00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:40,770 Speaker 2: my interactions and sessions and understanding the stories of my clients, 170 00:07:40,780 --> 00:07:46,450 Speaker 2: what we sometimes discover is that love comes and expresses 171 00:07:46,450 --> 00:07:49,970 Speaker 2: itself in so many different ways and forms and sometimes 172 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,559 Speaker 2: in families, it's not that there was any, 173 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,460 Speaker 2: you know, very overt abuse or anything, but 174 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,760 Speaker 2: love could be experienced when we are in our childhood 175 00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:03,550 Speaker 2: as punishment or as people shouting at each other 176 00:08:03,940 --> 00:08:07,610 Speaker 2: and unconsciously, that's how we understand love. And in our 177 00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:10,360 Speaker 2: adult years we enter into our relationships, 178 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:14,080 Speaker 2: bringing that way of loving others into our lives. 179 00:08:14,090 --> 00:08:15,760 Speaker 1: So that's why I shout at my partner 180 00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:20,170 Speaker 1: because I was from a shouting household really Yeah, very noisy, 181 00:08:20,170 --> 00:08:25,119 Speaker 1: everyday screaming and shouting actually, that's funny because I'm slightly 182 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:28,230 Speaker 1: the opposite of which I was screamed at a lot 183 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:31,000 Speaker 1: and hence I don't scream and I cannot have people 184 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:31,750 Speaker 1: screaming at me. 185 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,880 Speaker 1: That's why I think it goes both ways. Either you 186 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,699 Speaker 1: really take after them or you are like the complete 187 00:08:36,710 --> 00:08:42,840 Speaker 1: opposite tell you were from a screaming household. Um not really, 188 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:46,730 Speaker 1: my mother was just very noisy, but I think maybe 189 00:08:46,730 --> 00:08:49,230 Speaker 1: if you've been following and especially like hazel and jermaine 190 00:08:49,230 --> 00:08:51,040 Speaker 1: the window as well that I came from a single 191 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:55,660 Speaker 1: parent household where my dad disappeared within at 66 192 00:08:55,740 --> 00:08:57,980 Speaker 1: and I never really got an answer for it because 193 00:08:57,980 --> 00:08:59,319 Speaker 1: nobody actually set me down 194 00:08:59,610 --> 00:09:01,800 Speaker 1: to tell me what was going on. Yeah, so I 195 00:09:01,940 --> 00:09:05,569 Speaker 1: have to figure everything out myself. My relationship with my 196 00:09:05,570 --> 00:09:07,760 Speaker 1: mother is very 197 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:12,130 Speaker 1: Volatile, I would say, because for a long time at 198 00:09:12,130 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 1: such an age when you don't really understand what was 199 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,530 Speaker 1: going on and things like that, it felt like she 200 00:09:16,530 --> 00:09:19,880 Speaker 1: was all ahead, right? And um I really wanted to 201 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:23,030 Speaker 1: hold onto that. So at like 15, 16 kind of thing, 202 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,750 Speaker 1: you know when she eventually found someone else, it made 203 00:09:25,750 --> 00:09:27,160 Speaker 1: me feel like 204 00:09:27,950 --> 00:09:29,059 Speaker 1: I was being 205 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:32,850 Speaker 1: not say cast aside because she was still there for me, 206 00:09:32,860 --> 00:09:35,420 Speaker 1: but it just felt like someone else was in her 207 00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:38,860 Speaker 1: life now. Yeah, and it felt like I wasn't getting 208 00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:41,929 Speaker 1: that support that I needed, like it wasn't just us 209 00:09:41,929 --> 00:09:44,250 Speaker 1: anymore and I think I had a lot of resentment 210 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,500 Speaker 1: out of that I sort of see and acknowledge and 211 00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:47,950 Speaker 1: sort of 212 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:49,560 Speaker 1: I'm trying to cope with 213 00:09:49,740 --> 00:09:53,869 Speaker 1: now as well. So would you identify as someone with 214 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:54,750 Speaker 1: daddy issues? 215 00:09:55,740 --> 00:09:58,050 Speaker 1: Sorry, I've got to ask the hard hitting questions here. 216 00:09:58,059 --> 00:09:59,800 Speaker 1: I don't know if it's daddy issues, I would say 217 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,060 Speaker 1: I have mommy issues which is strange, right? Because I 218 00:10:03,059 --> 00:10:06,610 Speaker 1: grew up with her right daddy issues. I don't think 219 00:10:06,610 --> 00:10:09,780 Speaker 1: it affected me very much. I think the only way 220 00:10:09,780 --> 00:10:12,650 Speaker 1: my father has affected me was in a way where 221 00:10:12,660 --> 00:10:16,990 Speaker 1: I am always ready for people to leave me that 222 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:17,440 Speaker 2: is daddy 223 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:18,450 Speaker 1: issues. 224 00:10:18,460 --> 00:10:19,930 Speaker 2: You 225 00:10:19,929 --> 00:10:20,700 Speaker 1: know, it's interesting 226 00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:24,670 Speaker 2: because I think there could be a common misconception that 227 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:27,989 Speaker 2: daddy issues and mommy issues stand from dad or mom 228 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,910 Speaker 2: not being around in our lives, but it may not 229 00:10:30,910 --> 00:10:34,030 Speaker 2: be true at all. People could have daddy or mommy 230 00:10:34,030 --> 00:10:37,770 Speaker 2: issues who when maybe their dads or moms around in 231 00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:40,760 Speaker 2: their lives and in their face too much. So it's 232 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:41,160 Speaker 2: just 233 00:10:41,540 --> 00:10:44,689 Speaker 2: it's just a dynamic of the nature of interaction and 234 00:10:44,690 --> 00:10:47,870 Speaker 2: what it causes us to feel and whether we had 235 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 2: anyone to process those feelings with when we were kids 236 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:54,140 Speaker 2: and if we didn't, we formed certain beliefs and perceptions 237 00:10:54,150 --> 00:10:57,650 Speaker 2: that are just like unconscious and we don't realize that there, 238 00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:00,730 Speaker 2: right? And I think it's brilliant that as well you 239 00:11:00,730 --> 00:11:02,750 Speaker 2: shared that you knew as a kid that 240 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,510 Speaker 2: your mom was all you had and you had this 241 00:11:05,510 --> 00:11:09,620 Speaker 2: really strong attachment to her. Did it feel like when 242 00:11:09,620 --> 00:11:11,420 Speaker 2: he was no longer in your life, like it was 243 00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:13,780 Speaker 2: just you and your mom against the world? Yes. 244 00:11:13,790 --> 00:11:16,490 Speaker 1: And it also felt like I had to step up 245 00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:19,170 Speaker 1: because I saw her crumbling and I saw that she 246 00:11:19,170 --> 00:11:20,560 Speaker 1: was trying to hide that from me. 247 00:11:20,940 --> 00:11:25,150 Speaker 1: So I stepped up and sort of like shut everything 248 00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:27,790 Speaker 1: else aside. I didn't have time to sort of like 249 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,580 Speaker 1: deal with my feelings because I had to put up 250 00:11:30,580 --> 00:11:32,839 Speaker 1: a strong front. I couldn't be the kid who was 251 00:11:32,850 --> 00:11:35,569 Speaker 1: asking where he was because that would hurt her. I 252 00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:38,460 Speaker 1: couldn't be the kid who was throwing tantrums because she 253 00:11:38,460 --> 00:11:39,650 Speaker 1: had more than enough to deal with. 254 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,720 Speaker 2: You know, sometimes when we end up being the kind 255 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:44,460 Speaker 2: of like adult in the relationship 256 00:11:44,940 --> 00:11:45,710 Speaker 2: and 257 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:49,780 Speaker 2: we end up being there for our parent is almost 258 00:11:49,780 --> 00:11:52,450 Speaker 2: like a child needing to feel security. 259 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:53,560 Speaker 2: And 260 00:11:53,940 --> 00:11:55,349 Speaker 2: I've seen cases where 261 00:11:55,830 --> 00:11:57,950 Speaker 2: the child stepped up to be the one for the 262 00:11:57,950 --> 00:11:58,560 Speaker 2: parent 263 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,900 Speaker 2: as a way to gain the sense of security, that hey, 264 00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 2: I'm going to be here for mom and mom needs 265 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:05,160 Speaker 2: me 266 00:12:05,630 --> 00:12:08,010 Speaker 2: and hence I'm going to be secure 267 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:12,210 Speaker 2: because as Children, Children need security, love 268 00:12:12,210 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: food 269 00:12:12,929 --> 00:12:16,950 Speaker 2: protection, attention and all these things and they will find 270 00:12:16,950 --> 00:12:20,300 Speaker 2: a way to be someone that can get this in 271 00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:22,929 Speaker 2: a secure manner and by being there for your mom 272 00:12:22,929 --> 00:12:26,050 Speaker 2: and by feeling needed, that was your security blanket. 273 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,990 Speaker 2: And when suddenly someone showed up in her life and 274 00:12:28,990 --> 00:12:29,360 Speaker 2: you're like, 275 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:33,650 Speaker 2: am I needed anymore. That just feels really, really scary. 276 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:38,120 Speaker 1: But has your relationship with her improved 277 00:12:38,130 --> 00:12:39,059 Speaker 2: over the years 278 00:12:39,070 --> 00:12:41,990 Speaker 1: now? I would say it's a lot better. It took 279 00:12:41,990 --> 00:12:44,200 Speaker 1: a lot. I think there was a period of time 280 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,290 Speaker 1: where I probably didn't speak to her for like a 281 00:12:46,290 --> 00:12:48,710 Speaker 1: year even though I was still living at home because 282 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:49,160 Speaker 1: of 283 00:12:49,540 --> 00:12:53,220 Speaker 1: the new relationship in her life really. But I think 284 00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:56,400 Speaker 1: maybe it's a timing thing as well, right? Because having 285 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:59,270 Speaker 1: had to do that since I was a young child 286 00:12:59,270 --> 00:13:02,630 Speaker 1: at six and then when I transformed into my teenage years, 287 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:05,900 Speaker 1: I think it sort of came out and then that 288 00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:08,160 Speaker 1: was the same time that she found someone as well. 289 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,960 Speaker 1: And so it was, it was rebellion. It was a 290 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:11,860 Speaker 1: lot of 291 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:16,370 Speaker 1: Just finding myself a lot of, I don't know where 292 00:13:16,370 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 1: to turn to. So those years for me, I think 293 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,370 Speaker 1: we're very, very hard because of all that right was 294 00:13:22,380 --> 00:13:25,010 Speaker 1: happening at the same time and I think for a 295 00:13:25,010 --> 00:13:27,219 Speaker 1: while as well, especially when I was in my early 296 00:13:27,220 --> 00:13:28,949 Speaker 1: 20's I felt like 297 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,290 Speaker 1: you know her love was very conditional where if I 298 00:13:32,290 --> 00:13:35,870 Speaker 1: did things right, she was there if I didn't, she wasn't. 299 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,290 Speaker 1: But if there's one thing I can say now is 300 00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:40,550 Speaker 1: I mean as friends, I'm sure jimmy and I both 301 00:13:40,550 --> 00:13:42,059 Speaker 1: can see that as well. Your mom still 302 00:13:42,540 --> 00:13:45,069 Speaker 1: of course she loves you a lot. Every time she 303 00:13:45,070 --> 00:13:47,560 Speaker 1: goes overseas the mother will be there at the airport 304 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:48,750 Speaker 1: to see her off, 305 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,940 Speaker 1: hug her take photos, say goodbye. The entire village will 306 00:13:52,940 --> 00:13:55,630 Speaker 1: come down on the family. The whole family and me 307 00:13:55,630 --> 00:13:59,429 Speaker 1: and jimmy are standing by the side and I'm just, 308 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,530 Speaker 1: I'm just literally a picture of me at the airport 309 00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:03,150 Speaker 1: and her whole family. I'm just standing at the side 310 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:06,770 Speaker 1: of my luggage. Exactly. So this is the kind of 311 00:14:06,770 --> 00:14:09,689 Speaker 1: support that I think your family has shown you. 312 00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:11,750 Speaker 2: I'd like to share something that I discovered about how 313 00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:14,360 Speaker 2: trauma works right? Which is that when 314 00:14:14,740 --> 00:14:16,990 Speaker 2: we have trauma and trauma doesn't mean that you have 315 00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:19,890 Speaker 2: had to have something very dramatic happened to you. It's 316 00:14:19,890 --> 00:14:22,560 Speaker 2: just any adverse experience that happens to you 317 00:14:22,940 --> 00:14:23,860 Speaker 2: that has not 318 00:14:24,540 --> 00:14:25,650 Speaker 2: been processed 319 00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:29,690 Speaker 2: and tended to emotionally. It creates a certain effect on 320 00:14:29,690 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 2: us and what it creates also is a lens 321 00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:37,100 Speaker 2: through which we see things. Whereas you know, because of 322 00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:40,330 Speaker 2: certain adverse experiences that you had with your mom, it 323 00:14:40,330 --> 00:14:43,260 Speaker 2: created a lens and that lens could look something like 324 00:14:43,270 --> 00:14:46,350 Speaker 2: my mom doesn't care about me or like in my case, 325 00:14:46,350 --> 00:14:49,850 Speaker 2: like my dad values not losing face more than me 326 00:14:49,940 --> 00:14:53,150 Speaker 2: and when we wear those lenses, it's like the sunglasses 327 00:14:53,150 --> 00:14:53,660 Speaker 2: you have, 328 00:14:53,940 --> 00:14:57,430 Speaker 2: you just go about life and seeing everything with that 329 00:14:57,430 --> 00:15:00,320 Speaker 2: lens on and it's so clear as day to everybody 330 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,670 Speaker 2: else and your friends how much your mom loves you. 331 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,460 Speaker 2: But you will always 332 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:08,490 Speaker 2: until you process that. See your mom's love as with 333 00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:12,530 Speaker 2: those tinted lenses. And that is how trauma happens. Like 334 00:15:12,530 --> 00:15:17,130 Speaker 2: trauma makes us unable to see things objectively and see 335 00:15:17,130 --> 00:15:19,950 Speaker 2: the facts in the present moment because we're still living 336 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,250 Speaker 2: in the memory of the past. 337 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:21,840 Speaker 2: I think 338 00:15:21,850 --> 00:15:24,810 Speaker 1: even identifying the trauma that you've been through, a lot 339 00:15:24,810 --> 00:15:26,970 Speaker 1: of people don't realize as well because you're not in 340 00:15:26,970 --> 00:15:28,990 Speaker 1: touch with yourself. You don't you don't sit and just 341 00:15:28,990 --> 00:15:29,750 Speaker 1: think to yourself, 342 00:15:30,140 --> 00:15:31,640 Speaker 1: oh that was trauma 343 00:15:31,650 --> 00:15:35,780 Speaker 2: well and exactly like you said german when our parents 344 00:15:35,780 --> 00:15:38,060 Speaker 2: were not emotionally available to us, 345 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:41,320 Speaker 2: they didn't role model to us but being in touch 346 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,760 Speaker 2: and connected with our emotions as like and when we 347 00:15:43,770 --> 00:15:45,870 Speaker 2: are not aware of our emotions, we will not be 348 00:15:45,870 --> 00:15:46,960 Speaker 2: able to trace back 349 00:15:47,340 --> 00:15:49,820 Speaker 2: to what was the experience we had that gave us 350 00:15:49,820 --> 00:15:51,020 Speaker 2: those emotions. I 351 00:15:51,020 --> 00:15:53,160 Speaker 1: think that's a very good point for a lot of 352 00:15:53,170 --> 00:15:56,840 Speaker 1: asian families like myself, I would turn my relationship with 353 00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:01,940 Speaker 1: my parents bittersweet bitter because sometimes I look at other families, 354 00:16:01,940 --> 00:16:04,710 Speaker 1: my friends, they have such good relationships with their parents, 355 00:16:04,710 --> 00:16:06,560 Speaker 1: they go out shopping together. 356 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,950 Speaker 1: They dine out together every week and 357 00:16:09,140 --> 00:16:11,240 Speaker 1: this is something that I would really love for myself 358 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:14,100 Speaker 1: as well. But sweet because sometimes I look at other 359 00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:17,250 Speaker 1: families and I see like their parents are abusing them 360 00:16:17,260 --> 00:16:20,400 Speaker 1: verbally or physically and I'm so thankful that my parents 361 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,590 Speaker 1: are not like that. But trust me, my parents are 362 00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:28,020 Speaker 1: the typical asian conservative kind of parents which who always 363 00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:28,550 Speaker 1: tell me 364 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:29,460 Speaker 1: me mia 365 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,390 Speaker 1: don't be wearing this kind of clothes like this one, 366 00:16:32,390 --> 00:16:37,040 Speaker 1: also like something like that, showing too much skin. So 367 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,460 Speaker 1: that was when I was growing up and I would 368 00:16:39,470 --> 00:16:42,020 Speaker 1: always tell them putting a jacket on, which I never 369 00:16:42,020 --> 00:16:44,780 Speaker 1: did after I step out of the house basically. But 370 00:16:44,790 --> 00:16:47,010 Speaker 1: sometimes when I want to talk to them about certain 371 00:16:47,010 --> 00:16:48,570 Speaker 1: things even at this age, 372 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,590 Speaker 1: um say if I'm seeing someone new, I would ask 373 00:16:51,590 --> 00:16:53,900 Speaker 1: my dad, you know, do you want to be introduced 374 00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:55,440 Speaker 1: to this guy? And he would 375 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:56,160 Speaker 2: reply, 376 00:16:56,540 --> 00:16:56,850 Speaker 2: we'll 377 00:16:56,850 --> 00:17:00,859 Speaker 1: see how next time and this makes me feel like, 378 00:17:01,540 --> 00:17:04,639 Speaker 1: does he not care? And I feel like this this 379 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,950 Speaker 1: shuts me off from telling them other things that happens 380 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,060 Speaker 1: in my life next time, be relationship or like otherwise, 381 00:17:11,070 --> 00:17:14,090 Speaker 2: can I offer you a perspective on that? Because I 382 00:17:14,090 --> 00:17:16,170 Speaker 2: had the same experience with my dad because 383 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:19,440 Speaker 2: it's a bit of a review thing. I had a 384 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:20,139 Speaker 2: few boyfriends 385 00:17:20,150 --> 00:17:21,570 Speaker 1: along 386 00:17:21,570 --> 00:17:25,950 Speaker 2: the way and I felt exactly that, right? Like how 387 00:17:25,950 --> 00:17:28,400 Speaker 2: come that doesn't want to meet these guys? And you know, 388 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,770 Speaker 2: one day my dad said this to me, 389 00:17:31,140 --> 00:17:34,859 Speaker 2: he said, you're always changing boyfriends. If he says to me, 390 00:17:34,869 --> 00:17:35,850 Speaker 2: if I meet 391 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,760 Speaker 2: this guy now, and he turns out not 392 00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:42,160 Speaker 2: to be your husband, I would be doing your future 393 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,700 Speaker 2: husband a disservice 394 00:17:43,710 --> 00:17:44,690 Speaker 1: and 395 00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,030 Speaker 2: just blew my mind. I'm like, 396 00:17:46,030 --> 00:17:47,740 Speaker 1: what? 397 00:17:47,750 --> 00:17:48,460 Speaker 2: So 398 00:17:48,470 --> 00:17:49,520 Speaker 1: somehow something 399 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,850 Speaker 2: about their upbringing or at least my dad's upbringing or 400 00:17:52,850 --> 00:17:55,960 Speaker 2: something in him. He valued being like 401 00:17:56,740 --> 00:17:59,170 Speaker 2: the only man in my mom's life 402 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,130 Speaker 2: and I guess 403 00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:03,060 Speaker 2: um, for him to 404 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:08,750 Speaker 2: give any acknowledgement to other guys in his daughter's life, 405 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,600 Speaker 2: he would feel like if he was a future husband 406 00:18:11,609 --> 00:18:13,960 Speaker 2: he would not like that or something. I don't know. 407 00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:16,930 Speaker 2: So there's nothing to do with your dad not caring 408 00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:20,209 Speaker 2: about you. It's just maybe he has something his own hangout. 409 00:18:20,220 --> 00:18:20,960 Speaker 2: You could ask him, 410 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:21,250 Speaker 2: I 411 00:18:21,250 --> 00:18:25,910 Speaker 1: am not going to ask him not for now at 412 00:18:25,910 --> 00:18:28,659 Speaker 1: least to save the link to me. 413 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,220 Speaker 1: But what I do know is there are four types 414 00:18:31,220 --> 00:18:38,550 Speaker 1: of parenting, right? And namely being permissive, authoritative, neglectful and authoritarian. 415 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,800 Speaker 1: So I don't know what kind of parenting styles our 416 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:44,650 Speaker 1: parents or our listeners parents adopt. But here's a brief 417 00:18:44,660 --> 00:18:47,379 Speaker 1: introduction of what these styles are all about. Permissive. Child 418 00:18:47,380 --> 00:18:52,540 Speaker 1: driven really gives enforces rules and overindulgence child to avoid conflict. 419 00:18:52,550 --> 00:18:55,659 Speaker 1: So someone that just gives you whatever that you want. 420 00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:59,900 Speaker 1: It's the complete opposite of authoritarian where you know super strict. 421 00:18:59,910 --> 00:19:03,100 Speaker 1: It's all about rules, rules, rules and there is no 422 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,060 Speaker 1: communications one way communication is like 423 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,720 Speaker 1: I command you to do this. Something like my way 424 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,280 Speaker 1: or the highway. Yeah and neglectful. I think that one 425 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,310 Speaker 1: is a bit more serious where they're absent or they 426 00:19:13,310 --> 00:19:17,060 Speaker 1: are uninvolved. They don't really provide you nurture or guidance 427 00:19:17,060 --> 00:19:19,820 Speaker 1: that you need as a child to navigate this world, 428 00:19:19,830 --> 00:19:23,410 Speaker 1: but the best one of all right. I feel authoritative 429 00:19:23,420 --> 00:19:27,270 Speaker 1: solves problems together with the child sets clear rules and 430 00:19:27,270 --> 00:19:31,460 Speaker 1: expectations and there's open communication between parent and child. I 431 00:19:31,460 --> 00:19:33,250 Speaker 1: feel like this is the way to go. But of 432 00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:36,240 Speaker 1: course a successful parent would know when to adopt which 433 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:40,220 Speaker 1: kind of parenting style under different circumstances. So are there 434 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:41,859 Speaker 1: some stories you can share with us from some of 435 00:19:41,859 --> 00:19:45,139 Speaker 1: your co cheese or like your students who have had 436 00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:49,520 Speaker 1: maybe issues stemming from different parenting styles? 437 00:19:49,530 --> 00:19:52,270 Speaker 2: Well, there is someone who 438 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:54,850 Speaker 2: I grew up, you know, 439 00:19:55,340 --> 00:19:58,960 Speaker 2: seeking to be very perfect I guess as a child, 440 00:19:58,970 --> 00:20:03,050 Speaker 2: she would get caned or punished whenever she didn't do 441 00:20:03,740 --> 00:20:07,770 Speaker 2: in a certain manner well in her studies and she 442 00:20:07,780 --> 00:20:11,859 Speaker 2: felt like the way to win her mother's approval is 443 00:20:11,859 --> 00:20:15,500 Speaker 2: to constantly be the best or to have a really 444 00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:19,330 Speaker 2: good performance in school, Really good performance at work. I 445 00:20:19,330 --> 00:20:21,450 Speaker 2: don't know whether you work with people who are perfectionists 446 00:20:21,450 --> 00:20:22,270 Speaker 2: and sometimes 447 00:20:22,540 --> 00:20:25,750 Speaker 2: they can stress themselves out a lot and maybe stress 448 00:20:25,750 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 2: out their colleagues as well. So some of these ways 449 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,649 Speaker 2: that are the dynamics of how we interact with our 450 00:20:31,650 --> 00:20:35,350 Speaker 2: parents to try to meet the expectations or to win 451 00:20:35,350 --> 00:20:38,350 Speaker 2: the approval of our parents creates a certain 452 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,960 Speaker 2: persona or coping mechanism in us that 453 00:20:42,340 --> 00:20:45,330 Speaker 2: we carry through that may not serve us at some 454 00:20:45,330 --> 00:20:48,189 Speaker 2: point and the interesting thing is the same thing, the 455 00:20:48,190 --> 00:20:51,810 Speaker 2: same coping mechanism also managed to get us quite far, 456 00:20:51,820 --> 00:20:54,410 Speaker 2: Like you can imagine a child trying to be perfect 457 00:20:54,410 --> 00:20:57,430 Speaker 2: trying to really would do really well in life, right? 458 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,260 Speaker 2: But they're constantly also under 459 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:03,000 Speaker 2: um stress and anxiety from what if I'm not that 460 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,859 Speaker 2: good anymore and that sense of the self worth 461 00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:07,270 Speaker 2: resting on 462 00:21:07,940 --> 00:21:11,159 Speaker 2: performance and competency at the job or the task and 463 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,130 Speaker 2: all that can be very debilitating for people. I 464 00:21:14,130 --> 00:21:16,990 Speaker 1: think it's interesting that you bring up keening as punishment 465 00:21:16,990 --> 00:21:19,440 Speaker 1: because it happens to most of us. I don't know 466 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,410 Speaker 1: if you guys got keen when you were young. I 467 00:21:21,410 --> 00:21:25,530 Speaker 1: certainly did when I was naughty. My siblings were naughty 468 00:21:26,740 --> 00:21:28,359 Speaker 1: when I become a parent, right? 469 00:21:28,740 --> 00:21:31,869 Speaker 1: I've spoken to my partner about this. I will never 470 00:21:31,869 --> 00:21:33,770 Speaker 1: hit my child. I'll never stand my child, I will 471 00:21:33,770 --> 00:21:37,679 Speaker 1: never because I think it normalizes in them that it's 472 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,330 Speaker 1: okay to accept abuse from an authoritative figure and that 473 00:21:41,330 --> 00:21:43,520 Speaker 1: could manifest in different ways in their lives, but I 474 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,620 Speaker 1: want to know like what you guys think definitely no 475 00:21:46,619 --> 00:21:48,060 Speaker 1: physical abuse for me, 476 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,070 Speaker 1: but that was because my parents didn't do it very 477 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:51,270 Speaker 1: often to me either. 478 00:21:51,340 --> 00:21:54,440 Speaker 1: Like they didn't hit us if I didn't perform well 479 00:21:54,450 --> 00:21:58,120 Speaker 1: in school, Maybe sometimes if I got really naughty then 480 00:21:58,119 --> 00:22:00,169 Speaker 1: they would take out the king and just whip it 481 00:22:00,170 --> 00:22:02,190 Speaker 1: in front of me just to scan just like this, 482 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,920 Speaker 1: but sometimes we really killing me. I remember one time 483 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,500 Speaker 1: I cried super badly, but it's not often and I 484 00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:10,550 Speaker 1: felt that looking back, well maybe it was right of 485 00:22:10,550 --> 00:22:11,350 Speaker 1: them too, 486 00:22:11,540 --> 00:22:13,060 Speaker 1: induce some fear in me. 487 00:22:13,140 --> 00:22:15,950 Speaker 1: So I would not repeat this mistake next time. I 488 00:22:15,950 --> 00:22:18,770 Speaker 2: don't know. You know, it's interesting because 489 00:22:19,140 --> 00:22:20,960 Speaker 2: a whole generation of parents like 490 00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:24,570 Speaker 2: got caned by the parents and then they gained their Children, right? 491 00:22:24,580 --> 00:22:27,719 Speaker 2: And I guess that's probably maybe a more balanced way 492 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,080 Speaker 2: to look at it is when the punishment is dealt 493 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:30,850 Speaker 2: out to a child, 494 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:34,550 Speaker 2: it needs to be debriefed after and the punishment needs 495 00:22:34,550 --> 00:22:38,390 Speaker 2: to be meted out in a very controlled manner where 496 00:22:38,390 --> 00:22:41,219 Speaker 2: the child doesn't feel like, hey, the parent has lost 497 00:22:41,220 --> 00:22:45,020 Speaker 2: it or it's scanning me out of anger, anger and 498 00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:48,550 Speaker 2: losing control of his or her own emotions 499 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,869 Speaker 2: because that makes a child like really, really frightened? Because 500 00:22:51,869 --> 00:22:53,350 Speaker 2: the child depends on 501 00:22:53,540 --> 00:22:56,959 Speaker 2: their parents to create order and control in the world 502 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,830 Speaker 2: to make the world safe and certain. And when they 503 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,360 Speaker 2: see or experience 504 00:23:01,790 --> 00:23:03,560 Speaker 2: two parents going out of control, 505 00:23:03,940 --> 00:23:07,380 Speaker 2: it really messes them up. So if it's a punishment 506 00:23:07,380 --> 00:23:09,550 Speaker 2: that is meant to inflict a little bit of, 507 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:13,740 Speaker 2: you know, pain. So they remember the mistake, it has 508 00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:17,920 Speaker 2: to be dealt with a lot of love and explanation after. 509 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:22,230 Speaker 2: So that the emotional, um, the emotions of the child 510 00:23:22,230 --> 00:23:25,449 Speaker 2: is held and processed properly and they're not made to 511 00:23:25,450 --> 00:23:28,180 Speaker 2: feel like I'm so frightened because you just lost it. 512 00:23:28,190 --> 00:23:30,890 Speaker 2: How can I trust you to bring me up in this. Well, 513 00:23:30,890 --> 00:23:32,540 Speaker 2: I mean, and this thought is not conscious in the 514 00:23:32,540 --> 00:23:36,090 Speaker 2: child's mind but it's unconsciously just running in the background 515 00:23:36,100 --> 00:23:37,450 Speaker 2: in their psyche. This 516 00:23:37,450 --> 00:23:39,670 Speaker 1: is where like I argue with my partner a lot 517 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:43,159 Speaker 1: because when he was growing up he belongs to authoritative 518 00:23:43,170 --> 00:23:47,130 Speaker 1: perfect parents. So his parents would say okay you did 519 00:23:47,130 --> 00:23:49,090 Speaker 1: this wrong, you know you shouldn't have done it that way. 520 00:23:49,090 --> 00:23:52,060 Speaker 1: This is why I'm giving you this punishment hit one time. 521 00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:55,119 Speaker 1: That's it, he understands that's why he thinks it's okay. 522 00:23:55,130 --> 00:23:57,460 Speaker 1: But to me I was never treated like that. I 523 00:23:57,460 --> 00:24:01,139 Speaker 1: was hit to the hangar bro like stuff. Yeah I'm 524 00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:03,440 Speaker 1: gonna cry. My dad would drag me to my mom 525 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:05,369 Speaker 1: saying must go ask mommy puts them but for you 526 00:24:05,369 --> 00:24:07,510 Speaker 1: I'm like no she just hit me while I go 527 00:24:07,510 --> 00:24:09,869 Speaker 1: to her things like that. So to me I have 528 00:24:09,869 --> 00:24:13,260 Speaker 1: a very adverse reaction to that kind of punishment. 529 00:24:13,340 --> 00:24:15,130 Speaker 1: But I see where he comes from. He came from 530 00:24:15,130 --> 00:24:17,600 Speaker 1: a different kind of parenting. Start on this note, let's 531 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:21,000 Speaker 1: look at this example from a BBC article where this 532 00:24:21,010 --> 00:24:24,609 Speaker 1: lady shared how her strict asian parents made her awkward 533 00:24:24,619 --> 00:24:26,940 Speaker 1: and lonely. So she grew up in a very strict 534 00:24:26,940 --> 00:24:30,740 Speaker 1: household and with overprotective parents if she was not home 535 00:24:30,740 --> 00:24:34,399 Speaker 1: by her curfew time which is nine p.m. Her parents 536 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:37,470 Speaker 1: would threaten to call the police were all did it's crazy. 537 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:38,910 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. So once she was at a work 538 00:24:38,910 --> 00:24:40,690 Speaker 1: event and she didn't make it home on time because 539 00:24:40,690 --> 00:24:42,050 Speaker 1: nine p.m. Is a bit early right? 540 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:45,080 Speaker 1: Her parents were like hounding her texting her and all 541 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,640 Speaker 1: that and her mom called her repeatedly and when she 542 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,020 Speaker 1: finally picked up the phone when she found a gap 543 00:24:50,030 --> 00:24:52,169 Speaker 1: in between work to pick up the phone, the mother 544 00:24:52,170 --> 00:24:57,020 Speaker 1: was hysterical screaming at her over the phone and she 545 00:24:57,020 --> 00:24:59,919 Speaker 1: felt like this made her really really awkward and lonely 546 00:24:59,930 --> 00:25:01,949 Speaker 1: if you were in this situation, 547 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:03,560 Speaker 1: what would you girls have done, 548 00:25:03,940 --> 00:25:04,560 Speaker 1: wow. 549 00:25:05,740 --> 00:25:06,250 Speaker 2: But she's 550 00:25:06,250 --> 00:25:07,300 Speaker 1: already working. She's 551 00:25:07,300 --> 00:25:09,850 Speaker 2: an adult. The mom 552 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:15,000 Speaker 2: has stuff the mom hasn't processed and it's just being 553 00:25:15,010 --> 00:25:18,350 Speaker 2: you know surfacing and being projected to people around her. 554 00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:21,440 Speaker 2: And it's really unfortunate. I think it's really unfortunate which 555 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:23,350 Speaker 2: goes back to my earlier point about how 556 00:25:23,740 --> 00:25:27,050 Speaker 2: it's so important that we all take personal ownership of 557 00:25:27,050 --> 00:25:30,669 Speaker 2: our own healing so that we don't end up having 558 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:35,869 Speaker 2: our baggage um translate, translate or spill over to the 559 00:25:35,869 --> 00:25:37,970 Speaker 2: people in our lives. And I think your mom must 560 00:25:37,970 --> 00:25:41,609 Speaker 2: be must have really suffered something for her to have 561 00:25:41,609 --> 00:25:44,560 Speaker 2: this extent of um if I may say 562 00:25:44,940 --> 00:25:45,980 Speaker 2: insecurity 563 00:25:45,990 --> 00:25:49,109 Speaker 1: but it's so hard right? Because you can only take 564 00:25:49,109 --> 00:25:52,670 Speaker 1: charge of your own feelings, your own baggage, your own healing. 565 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,910 Speaker 1: But you can't make someone else do it. You know, 566 00:25:55,920 --> 00:26:00,919 Speaker 1: so that's really interesting. This happened to me, my father 567 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:02,900 Speaker 1: did the same thing to me, I was 14 years 568 00:26:02,910 --> 00:26:04,930 Speaker 1: old and at 11 p.m. I was out at some 569 00:26:04,930 --> 00:26:06,060 Speaker 1: random Mcdonald's 570 00:26:06,140 --> 00:26:09,520 Speaker 1: Eating nuggets and fries with my friend. And my dad 571 00:26:09,530 --> 00:26:11,840 Speaker 1: got so angry that I was not home by 11. 572 00:26:11,850 --> 00:26:14,320 Speaker 1: He kept calling me and I said I was out 573 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,670 Speaker 1: of my female friend and he said 574 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:19,290 Speaker 1: is it you passed the phone to your female friend? 575 00:26:19,300 --> 00:26:21,560 Speaker 1: I must listen to a voice before I believe you. 576 00:26:21,570 --> 00:26:24,740 Speaker 1: And that made me very embarrassed. But okay I did it. 577 00:26:24,750 --> 00:26:27,619 Speaker 1: I passed the phone to her, she said hi uncle 578 00:26:27,619 --> 00:26:29,889 Speaker 1: and all of that. And after I went home I 579 00:26:29,890 --> 00:26:31,260 Speaker 1: actually set my father down 580 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:34,300 Speaker 1: and I told him that what you did made me 581 00:26:34,310 --> 00:26:38,760 Speaker 1: super super pisces or embarrassed. Can you please trust me 582 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,699 Speaker 1: and not do this the next time? And that was 583 00:26:40,700 --> 00:26:42,689 Speaker 1: the last time he ever did. You know I never 584 00:26:42,690 --> 00:26:42,880 Speaker 1: did 585 00:26:42,890 --> 00:26:46,580 Speaker 2: you know this really answers actually answers your question answered 586 00:26:46,630 --> 00:26:49,360 Speaker 2: like you're perfectly right when we can only 587 00:26:49,540 --> 00:26:52,340 Speaker 2: be aware and take charge of our own emotions and 588 00:26:52,340 --> 00:26:54,270 Speaker 2: sometimes what we really need to do 589 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:59,150 Speaker 2: is to just honor our feelings and communicate them gently 590 00:26:59,150 --> 00:27:00,360 Speaker 2: to the other person. 591 00:27:01,540 --> 00:27:03,720 Speaker 2: And most of the time you'll be surprised that people 592 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:07,060 Speaker 2: would understand. I mean how they choose to respond is yes, 593 00:27:07,070 --> 00:27:10,020 Speaker 2: but we can do our part by just being aware 594 00:27:10,020 --> 00:27:12,510 Speaker 2: of how we feel and stating our stand and letting 595 00:27:12,510 --> 00:27:14,980 Speaker 2: people know how we feel most of the time people 596 00:27:14,980 --> 00:27:16,770 Speaker 2: are just unaware that they're hurting someone. 597 00:27:17,140 --> 00:27:18,120 Speaker 2: Yeah it's 598 00:27:18,119 --> 00:27:21,060 Speaker 1: true. I think over the years all of our relationships 599 00:27:21,060 --> 00:27:23,590 Speaker 1: with our parents has changed and as we grow up 600 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:27,250 Speaker 1: and we learn how to communicate as well like communicating 601 00:27:27,250 --> 00:27:30,270 Speaker 1: gently is the key word. You have to be, you 602 00:27:30,270 --> 00:27:31,960 Speaker 1: have to know how to phrase it and 603 00:27:32,340 --> 00:27:34,540 Speaker 1: you know stay in a nice way like right for 604 00:27:34,540 --> 00:27:35,510 Speaker 1: them to understand. 605 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,090 Speaker 2: And I find that it is an ongoing work because 606 00:27:38,090 --> 00:27:42,060 Speaker 2: you know what recently I got to know about this 607 00:27:42,060 --> 00:27:45,060 Speaker 2: term called gaslighting. It's 608 00:27:45,060 --> 00:27:45,930 Speaker 1: a very new, 609 00:27:45,940 --> 00:27:48,220 Speaker 2: I was just really mulling over this and trying to 610 00:27:48,220 --> 00:27:51,710 Speaker 2: reflect what is gaslighting and I realized that for those 611 00:27:51,710 --> 00:27:52,860 Speaker 2: of us who has been 612 00:27:53,140 --> 00:27:55,639 Speaker 2: guests lighted while we were growing up all the way, 613 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:57,869 Speaker 2: we had no idea that this is gaslighting and we 614 00:27:57,869 --> 00:28:00,720 Speaker 2: had no idea that this is, it was just what 615 00:28:00,730 --> 00:28:04,200 Speaker 2: we went through in our challah then it seemed normal. 616 00:28:04,210 --> 00:28:07,180 Speaker 2: My parents didn't know they were doing anything because probably 617 00:28:07,180 --> 00:28:09,280 Speaker 2: they were being gas lighted by their own parents growing 618 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:09,620 Speaker 2: up to 619 00:28:09,619 --> 00:28:11,780 Speaker 1: how are you guessed lighted by your parents 620 00:28:11,790 --> 00:28:16,410 Speaker 2: if I understand gaslighting correctly it means to say something 621 00:28:16,410 --> 00:28:17,560 Speaker 2: that invalidates what 622 00:28:17,740 --> 00:28:21,280 Speaker 2: somebody else is feeling. And you know what when we 623 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:22,169 Speaker 2: were growing up 624 00:28:22,540 --> 00:28:26,380 Speaker 2: there were so many micro moments like so for example 625 00:28:26,390 --> 00:28:28,689 Speaker 2: the other day I was at gardens by the bay 626 00:28:28,690 --> 00:28:32,740 Speaker 2: and I saw this grandma feeding a little girl um 627 00:28:32,750 --> 00:28:36,389 Speaker 2: some Mcdonald's fries and the girl stopped eating right, she 628 00:28:36,390 --> 00:28:38,630 Speaker 2: was like holding a fry and then she stopped eating 629 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:40,640 Speaker 2: And then the grandma was asking her, hey, how come 630 00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:41,350 Speaker 2: you're not eating? 631 00:28:41,540 --> 00:28:43,060 Speaker 2: And then the girl said hot 632 00:28:43,540 --> 00:28:45,690 Speaker 2: and the grandma said, no land, not hot line and 633 00:28:45,690 --> 00:28:47,950 Speaker 2: started pushing the price in the kid's face, right? 634 00:28:48,340 --> 00:28:50,770 Speaker 2: And I realized in that moment that 635 00:28:51,140 --> 00:28:51,900 Speaker 2: this is 636 00:28:52,740 --> 00:28:56,010 Speaker 2: invalidation in its most subtle moments, like a child is 637 00:28:56,010 --> 00:28:59,280 Speaker 2: told that what she feels obviously Israel, which is the 638 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,360 Speaker 2: fry is very hard for my tongue, which is not 639 00:29:02,370 --> 00:29:04,890 Speaker 2: the same kind of tongue like grandma has because grandma's, well, 640 00:29:04,890 --> 00:29:06,660 Speaker 2: one reveres right and very tough and all that, 641 00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:09,460 Speaker 2: but we're being told that no, you're wrong 642 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:15,310 Speaker 2: and that makes us just doubt ourselves because what we're 643 00:29:15,310 --> 00:29:16,770 Speaker 2: feeling is not 644 00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:18,650 Speaker 2: correct. 645 00:29:18,660 --> 00:29:20,580 Speaker 1: But let's take a look at the flip side, right? 646 00:29:20,580 --> 00:29:23,100 Speaker 1: I don't know if you have any coaches who, I 647 00:29:23,100 --> 00:29:24,560 Speaker 1: don't know if you have any coaches that would come 648 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:28,540 Speaker 1: to you who have benefited from gentle parenting or is 649 00:29:28,540 --> 00:29:29,970 Speaker 1: gentle parenting. Always a good 650 00:29:29,970 --> 00:29:33,900 Speaker 2: thing. My coaches, I think I grew up in that 651 00:29:33,910 --> 00:29:36,220 Speaker 2: era where this term was 652 00:29:36,230 --> 00:29:37,460 Speaker 1: not a thing, 653 00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:41,120 Speaker 2: not a thing, but most of the time the coaches 654 00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:42,860 Speaker 2: don't come to me because they say, you know, I 655 00:29:42,870 --> 00:29:45,990 Speaker 2: have issues with my parents know they're looking at, hey, 656 00:29:45,990 --> 00:29:49,090 Speaker 2: I want to be better at my job, you know, hey, 657 00:29:49,090 --> 00:29:51,630 Speaker 2: I want to make a career switch and I feel 658 00:29:51,630 --> 00:29:53,870 Speaker 2: very fearful, I don't have the courage to do it. 659 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:56,350 Speaker 2: And it's really through 660 00:29:56,940 --> 00:30:00,500 Speaker 2: enquiring deep down into what are some of the beliefs 661 00:30:00,500 --> 00:30:03,940 Speaker 2: that are holding them back in this moment that we unravel. 662 00:30:03,940 --> 00:30:06,180 Speaker 2: Like how those beliefs got there in the first place. 663 00:30:06,190 --> 00:30:06,860 Speaker 2: And 664 00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:10,770 Speaker 2: eventually you trace it down to it was some childhood experience, right? 665 00:30:11,340 --> 00:30:15,470 Speaker 1: Because it's funny because I see it coming out now right, 666 00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:18,110 Speaker 1: in different forms, especially when it comes to being doubtful, 667 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:21,360 Speaker 1: even when I know that this is right or you know, 668 00:30:21,370 --> 00:30:24,100 Speaker 1: even if you give me 10 people who tells me that, 669 00:30:24,110 --> 00:30:26,320 Speaker 1: you know, this is this, this is this. But I 670 00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:29,810 Speaker 1: would always question myself again and say, oh, but maybe 671 00:30:29,810 --> 00:30:32,230 Speaker 1: I did this to contribute to it. Oh, but maybe, 672 00:30:32,230 --> 00:30:35,040 Speaker 1: you know, I didn't do enough and because of that, 673 00:30:35,050 --> 00:30:38,610 Speaker 1: um because I'm always second guessing that way, I find 674 00:30:38,610 --> 00:30:41,320 Speaker 1: it very hard to, you know, make steps or make 675 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:44,120 Speaker 1: moves to sort of change things because I will always 676 00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:44,670 Speaker 1: feel like 677 00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:48,190 Speaker 1: I had my faults too. And hence I am not 678 00:30:48,190 --> 00:30:52,070 Speaker 1: qualified or you know, it's not my place to do 679 00:30:52,070 --> 00:30:52,470 Speaker 1: something 680 00:30:52,470 --> 00:30:55,260 Speaker 2: about it. There is such a common thing that 681 00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:56,560 Speaker 2: we, 682 00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:00,890 Speaker 2: you know, inadvertently when we doubt ourselves, we end up 683 00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:02,390 Speaker 2: holding ourselves back. 684 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:04,640 Speaker 1: But a lot of females that I know feel like 685 00:31:04,650 --> 00:31:08,470 Speaker 1: impostor syndrome, that's what I've seen, where they feel like, 686 00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:10,680 Speaker 1: even though they're in a position of power, they feel 687 00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:13,960 Speaker 1: they don't deserve it or to a certain extent. And 688 00:31:13,970 --> 00:31:17,170 Speaker 1: I think that also stems from in their childhood 689 00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:20,530 Speaker 1: what they were being put through. So that does still 690 00:31:20,530 --> 00:31:21,550 Speaker 1: manifest in 691 00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:24,680 Speaker 2: some lenses that they're still carrying with them precisely. That 692 00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:25,940 Speaker 2: makes them feel that way. 693 00:31:25,950 --> 00:31:29,820 Speaker 1: Alright to wrap up this episode. What do you think 694 00:31:29,820 --> 00:31:32,850 Speaker 1: is important to maintain a good relationship for parents? 695 00:31:32,860 --> 00:31:36,460 Speaker 2: What I've seen work out really well for myself is 696 00:31:36,460 --> 00:31:37,060 Speaker 2: to 697 00:31:37,530 --> 00:31:39,450 Speaker 2: start seeing them as 698 00:31:39,940 --> 00:31:43,220 Speaker 2: human beings like they're individuals with their own lives and 699 00:31:43,220 --> 00:31:46,090 Speaker 2: they happen to be our parents and that's a really 700 00:31:46,090 --> 00:31:49,360 Speaker 2: important step because then we stop expecting them to be 701 00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:51,800 Speaker 2: a certain way that we want our parents to be 702 00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:55,230 Speaker 2: and to really see them as fellow human beings and 703 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:59,500 Speaker 2: have empathy for what with their experiences that made them 704 00:31:59,510 --> 00:32:02,860 Speaker 2: behave and have beliefs in this manner and have these values. 705 00:32:03,140 --> 00:32:06,190 Speaker 2: Um, and that really, that really helped me. I think 706 00:32:06,190 --> 00:32:07,670 Speaker 2: the moment when I realized that 707 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:10,350 Speaker 2: my mom is a woman in her own right 708 00:32:11,140 --> 00:32:12,160 Speaker 2: was when I was, 709 00:32:12,830 --> 00:32:14,360 Speaker 2: I don't know, like 31. 710 00:32:14,740 --> 00:32:17,950 Speaker 1: Okay, so I still have time. It's 711 00:32:17,950 --> 00:32:19,640 Speaker 2: good that you realize it sooner And I think to 712 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:25,090 Speaker 2: take that lens and see that we have the ability 713 00:32:25,090 --> 00:32:27,930 Speaker 2: and the power to lead with empathy in our own 714 00:32:27,930 --> 00:32:32,080 Speaker 2: relationships at home and our parents didn't have the opportunity 715 00:32:32,090 --> 00:32:33,060 Speaker 2: to have all this 716 00:32:33,340 --> 00:32:35,460 Speaker 2: talks or be exposed to these things that 717 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:38,050 Speaker 2: give them an opportunity to have self awareness. But if 718 00:32:38,050 --> 00:32:40,459 Speaker 2: we're more aware than them, then we can always be 719 00:32:40,460 --> 00:32:41,270 Speaker 2: the one to 720 00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:44,450 Speaker 2: to lead the conversation with empathy, 721 00:32:44,460 --> 00:32:47,540 Speaker 1: which leads to my point. I feel like open communication 722 00:32:47,540 --> 00:32:50,830 Speaker 1: is very important. Maybe our parents are not so open 723 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:53,420 Speaker 1: in this aspect, but then it may be up to 724 00:32:53,430 --> 00:32:55,780 Speaker 1: us as Children to sit them down and have a 725 00:32:55,780 --> 00:32:59,520 Speaker 1: talk with them knowing how they function, how they communicate. 726 00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:03,160 Speaker 1: Maybe we can angle the conversation in that way that 727 00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:05,210 Speaker 1: would strike the right chord with them. I think that's very, 728 00:33:05,210 --> 00:33:05,370 Speaker 1: very 729 00:33:05,370 --> 00:33:06,440 Speaker 2: crucial. I think 730 00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:09,810 Speaker 1: sometimes because you know, growing up you feel like they 731 00:33:09,810 --> 00:33:12,420 Speaker 1: are your moral compass, right? That you know, that is 732 00:33:12,420 --> 00:33:14,830 Speaker 1: what you're supposed to be, that is the person that 733 00:33:14,830 --> 00:33:16,570 Speaker 1: sort of guiding you in this world. You sort of 734 00:33:16,570 --> 00:33:19,790 Speaker 1: like have over expectations for them. But I think it's 735 00:33:19,790 --> 00:33:22,950 Speaker 1: also important to remember that they, 736 00:33:23,540 --> 00:33:25,240 Speaker 1: well parents for the first time as well and they 737 00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:28,160 Speaker 1: weren't given a manual, you know, there's no guide for 738 00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:31,760 Speaker 1: them on how to be parents, but that doesn't mean 739 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:35,250 Speaker 1: that there's not going to be like difficulties or misunderstandings. 740 00:33:35,260 --> 00:33:38,950 Speaker 1: But yeah, I think it's, you know, seeing that as well, 741 00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:41,960 Speaker 2: I found that the best way to improve 742 00:33:42,540 --> 00:33:45,140 Speaker 2: the relationship we have my parents or at least what 743 00:33:45,140 --> 00:33:45,960 Speaker 2: I've been doing, 744 00:33:46,940 --> 00:33:49,060 Speaker 2: accept them. 745 00:33:49,540 --> 00:33:50,070 Speaker 2: It's true, 746 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:53,200 Speaker 1: easier said than done. It sounds very simple. 747 00:33:53,210 --> 00:33:54,410 Speaker 2: It's a journey 748 00:33:54,420 --> 00:33:56,450 Speaker 1: so hard and there's no saying we're going to be 749 00:33:56,450 --> 00:34:00,550 Speaker 1: perfect parents. I think I'm sorry to our future. Kids 750 00:34:00,730 --> 00:34:06,040 Speaker 1: try try but I like to take the extreme side 751 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:08,690 Speaker 1: where if you are in a dangerous situation at home, 752 00:34:08,690 --> 00:34:11,560 Speaker 1: you're in a very, very volatile, violent situation 753 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:16,010 Speaker 1: just because they are, your family doesn't mean that you 754 00:34:16,020 --> 00:34:19,250 Speaker 1: internalize that and treat it as okay. I think sometimes 755 00:34:19,250 --> 00:34:22,320 Speaker 1: you got to create the family that you deserve outside 756 00:34:22,330 --> 00:34:23,780 Speaker 1: of your blood family. 757 00:34:23,790 --> 00:34:27,480 Speaker 2: You know, that brings to mind jermaine, how sometimes I 758 00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:28,060 Speaker 2: have 759 00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:31,779 Speaker 2: residents who come to me and they may write me 760 00:34:31,780 --> 00:34:33,710 Speaker 2: an email or come to me and say that they 761 00:34:33,710 --> 00:34:36,069 Speaker 2: don't know how to help their friend who is in 762 00:34:36,070 --> 00:34:39,610 Speaker 2: an abusive relationship or an abusive household. I think it's 763 00:34:39,610 --> 00:34:43,130 Speaker 2: important to recognize that when someone has grown up with 764 00:34:43,130 --> 00:34:47,060 Speaker 2: violence all their lives, they don't necessarily see it as 765 00:34:47,140 --> 00:34:49,360 Speaker 2: danger, danger or wrong. 766 00:34:49,540 --> 00:34:53,259 Speaker 2: That's just what's normal for them and and for someone 767 00:34:53,270 --> 00:34:56,930 Speaker 2: else who is looking at the situation to say, hey, 768 00:34:56,930 --> 00:34:58,989 Speaker 2: you know, you need to step away from that and 769 00:34:58,989 --> 00:35:02,029 Speaker 2: get yourself to safety is a very big chasm they 770 00:35:02,030 --> 00:35:04,500 Speaker 2: have to cross because what they knew to be the 771 00:35:04,500 --> 00:35:06,359 Speaker 2: family was safety 772 00:35:06,940 --> 00:35:09,590 Speaker 2: and violence was part of the familiarity that they had. 773 00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:13,750 Speaker 2: So it's really, really important that we give space and 774 00:35:13,750 --> 00:35:15,460 Speaker 2: we help them to 775 00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:18,060 Speaker 2: to feel that 776 00:35:19,340 --> 00:35:23,060 Speaker 2: there is another safe space that they can go to 777 00:35:23,540 --> 00:35:25,420 Speaker 1: well with that. Thank you so much Carrie. I think 778 00:35:25,420 --> 00:35:28,500 Speaker 1: we have benefited so much from this episode alone. Thank you. 779 00:35:28,510 --> 00:35:30,810 Speaker 1: And you know what, I think harsh clarity is a 780 00:35:30,810 --> 00:35:32,960 Speaker 1: safe space as well. If you have any thoughts in 781 00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:34,609 Speaker 1: your mind at all, feel free to always drop us 782 00:35:34,610 --> 00:35:38,530 Speaker 1: a DM on instagram at its clarity dot co That's right. 783 00:35:38,530 --> 00:35:40,819 Speaker 1: And of course make sure that you follow us on me. 784 00:35:40,820 --> 00:35:42,350 Speaker 1: Listen Spotify Apple podcasts 785 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:44,740 Speaker 1: to know when the next episode drops. You know you 786 00:35:44,739 --> 00:35:48,220 Speaker 1: can leave a comment, subscribe to us, turn on the notifications, 787 00:35:48,290 --> 00:35:50,030 Speaker 1: let us know what you want to see more of. 788 00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:53,190 Speaker 1: Thank you so much Once again for listening, I'm hazel Missouri, 789 00:35:53,190 --> 00:35:56,020 Speaker 1: I'm Jermaine and I'm Cary, thank you so much for 790 00:35:56,020 --> 00:35:59,360 Speaker 1: listening to this episode of clarity's good. 791 00:35:59,739 --> 00:36:04,560 Speaker 1: Hey did till next time. Bye bye.