Speaker 1: Hello.
Speaker 2: It's
Speaker 1: Hazo. Hey,
Speaker 2: it's, and I'm
Speaker 1: Jermaine and welcome back to another episode of Clarity.
Speaker 2: Today's episode. How believe we've never spoke about this? I
Speaker 2: think we spoke about it in bits and pieces over
Speaker 2: the other relationship episodes, but it's about living together with
Speaker 2: a romantic partner.
Speaker 1: Ok. Quick question for the floor. Have you ever lived
Speaker 1: with your partner before? Yes or no. 321.
Speaker 2: Yes. Ok. So we all have that experience. Be it
Speaker 2: like before marriage during marriage.
Speaker 1: Who are you?
Speaker 1: Ok. Wait, wait, define living together. Is it like the
Speaker 1: occasional stayovers? But like maybe many times in a week
Speaker 1: living
Speaker 2: together is you move in with the person, the person
Speaker 2: move in with you or you both move into a
Speaker 2: place together? So you don't? That is your home? That
Speaker 2: is your primary home. So, still, yes. Your answer. Hazy.
Speaker 1: You know what?
Speaker 2: Oh, yeah.
Speaker 2: Uh
Speaker 2: Oh.
Speaker 2: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Ok. So the answer is, yes. Ok. For all three
Speaker 2: of us, I think a lot has changed in the
Speaker 2: last decade on partners living together. Right. And I think
Speaker 2: in the past maybe our parents generation, my God,
Speaker 1: they would not have done that. No,
Speaker 2: such a big taboo to live together before marriage.
Speaker 1: Agree. I think it was more of a taboo for
Speaker 1: the girl than the boy, right? Because once you move
Speaker 1: in together with this guy before getting married and the
Speaker 1: people point the fingers at you last time in Chinese
Speaker 1: to put,
Speaker 1: which means you like taking care of itself. Not the mere, not, not, not.
Speaker 2: I think cohabiting to me personally is the key to
Speaker 2: a successful relationship. I'm 100% pro this, I'm so pro this.
Speaker 2: That's how I feel about living together with your partner
Speaker 2: and how much it affects a relationship. But you may
Speaker 2: feel different and that's OK. That's what we're here to discuss. Yes.
Speaker 1: Tell me more. Why do you think is the key
Speaker 1: to a successful relationship?
Speaker 2: Actually,
Speaker 2: I've cohabited with every single one of my partners. There
Speaker 2: is a caveat to that. I think for some of
Speaker 2: my partners, I was probably too young to have cohabited
Speaker 2: with them. And I probably should not have very much
Speaker 2: to the chagrin of my parents, but it's OK. Sorry,
Speaker 2: I'm older now. But at a certain point, I think
Speaker 2: especially if you're thinking, ok, this partner might be my
Speaker 2: lifetime commitment. I might want to marry this person or
Speaker 2: I might just wanna be with this person for the
Speaker 2: rest of my life. That is when you think OK,
Speaker 2: cohabiting, it's as important as sex to intimacy
Speaker 1: for sex is important.
Speaker 2: Sex is important and communication is important but so is cohabiting.
Speaker 1: But I'm gonna stand on the other side of the
Speaker 1: few and say that sometimes, right? When you stay together,
Speaker 1: that romantic bubble just burst, but eventually you're gonna have
Speaker 1: to do that also. I know so some people might
Speaker 1: want to prolong that feeling of like absence makes the
Speaker 1: heart grow for, you know what I mean? Right. If
Speaker 1: you don't stay together,
Speaker 1: you always look forward to seeing each other the next time,
Speaker 1: the coming weekend, go about your movie days. Whatever
Speaker 2: that
Speaker 2: is one of the problems in one of my relationships
Speaker 2: that we became roommates like each other. Yeah, you kind
Speaker 2: of just get so comfortable. You became roommates. But I
Speaker 2: do think that is something that is a choice. You
Speaker 2: have to keep having the intention of this is a
Speaker 2: romantic relationship. This is not a roommate ship. Keep trying
Speaker 2: at that every day and keep that in mind. Ok.
Speaker 1: So how different is it in your car?
Speaker 1: Current relationship? How do you keep yourselves from turning to like,
Speaker 1: what is it?
Speaker 2: Well, the key thing is you have to share responsibilities
Speaker 2: in the household but still keep that romantic spark alive. Right.
Speaker 2: So have intentional things like date nights outside of the house,
Speaker 2: go for a date night, once every two weeks, once
Speaker 2: a month, whatever works for you to just remind yourself
Speaker 2: a we're a couple we're not like,
Speaker 1: but actually date night, once every two weeks or once
Speaker 1: a month is very long,
Speaker 2: very long. Yeah.
Speaker 2: No, we have to find time.
Speaker 2: Do it sometimes to go. Don't you feel like when
Speaker 2: you have the right person? Even, like non intentional dates
Speaker 2: feel like a date. Like, even cooking together at home,
Speaker 2: grocery shopping, grocery shopping together, going furniture shopping. And I
Speaker 2: actually have good knife skills. I'm good at prepping with
Speaker 2: those nails that you see anything with fire, keep me away.
Speaker 2: But I'm good at prepping. I'm good at the starting part. Ok.
Speaker 2: I'm good at eating
Speaker 2: the the finishing part. Yeah. But ok, so hazy, you
Speaker 2: don't think it's important to live with your partner before marriage? Ok. Question.
Speaker 2: So you've had relationships where you don't live with the person, right?
Speaker 2: And then you've also had one that you live with
Speaker 2: the person. What do you think is the biggest difference?
Speaker 1: Like what I mentioned, the romantic spark that bubble, that
Speaker 1: fairy tale sort of like facade just disappears when you
Speaker 1: stay together too long.
Speaker 2: But a new kind of romance develops. I agree. I
Speaker 1: agree. But
Speaker 1: is it
Speaker 1: different kind of romance? Like what you mentioned, you stop
Speaker 1: chasing each other but you are very comfortable with each other,
Speaker 1: which is not a bad thing. You start doing household
Speaker 1: chores together instead of going on cafe dates together, that
Speaker 1: kind of difference. Nothing wrong. But it just depends on
Speaker 1: what you're seeking this relationship. But
Speaker 2: if you're looking
Speaker 2: at marriage, it's also
Speaker 2: still gonna happen.
Speaker 1: Correct. It's still gonna come in time. You just want
Speaker 1: to hold it out a little bit. Yeah. To some
Speaker 1: people it might be like that. And I think the
Speaker 1: biggest thing about staying together with your partner is that
Speaker 1: you might actually see a different side of a self
Speaker 1: that is not the good side. But
Speaker 2: I think that's important because if you never see the
Speaker 2: full picture of your partner and then you get married
Speaker 2: and then you move in together and then, then that's
Speaker 2: too late.
Speaker 1: In this
Speaker 1: case. I'm not saying like the full picture of my partner,
Speaker 1: I'm seeing the full picture of myself. Like when I
Speaker 1: stay with someone, I actually become like that, I become
Speaker 1: so comfortable with this person that maybe sometimes I accidentally
Speaker 1: show him the uglier side of me
Speaker 2: what they like.
Speaker 1: No, like sometimes when I get frustrated, I get angry
Speaker 1: and it's not a side that I want to show
Speaker 1: my partner. But the same
Speaker 2: way you want to
Speaker 2: see everything before you commit, they should also be able
Speaker 2: to see everything you think. So I think it's important
Speaker 2: because regardless if you show it now you show it later,
Speaker 2: it will come out, you still have to deal with it,
Speaker 2: you still have to deal with it. And I think
Speaker 2: some of the reasons why people choose to, I guess
Speaker 2: cohabitate with their partner before marriage, we'll talk about, like,
Speaker 2: in some cultures how it's not acceptable later on. Right.
Speaker 2: But those who are ok with it and your parents
Speaker 2: are ok with it. One of the biggest reasons is
Speaker 2: to test your compatibility. Ok. Right. If you're only seeing
Speaker 2: each other once or twice a week outside on dates,
Speaker 2: it's very hard to know if you are truly 100% compatible.
Speaker 2: Very true. The thing is even if you see each
Speaker 2: other a lot over a long period of time, I
Speaker 2: think there are certain things that only comes out at
Speaker 2: home that
Speaker 2: only if you live with that person you'll see or
Speaker 2: you'll learn or you sort of like learn how to
Speaker 2: navigate around,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 1: So I have two friends. I love them dearly. They
Speaker 1: are a couple, they chose to stay together because of
Speaker 1: financial reasons. They can share the rent, they can speak groceries, bills, everything.
Speaker 1: And my friend, she's grown to see how reliable of
Speaker 1: a person that man is. He cooks for her.
Speaker 1: He washes things for her like even simple things like
Speaker 1: an apple. The boyfriend will ask you want eat apple
Speaker 1: or not. My friend would like, you slice that law
Speaker 1: and then you really slice apple for her. Like it's
Speaker 1: very tiny things but very sweet. Very,
Speaker 2: very so I know someone right whose parents believe that
Speaker 2: you should cohabitate before you get married.
Speaker 1: The parents believe very
Speaker 2: progressive, very good. I like. So
Speaker 2: they're looking at marriage in the near future. And the
Speaker 2: parents said we're not trying to chase you out. But
Speaker 2: before you get married, get out of the house, go
Speaker 2: rent because you're going to run your own household when
Speaker 2: you get married. So now you go run your own household.
Speaker 2: Figure out your financial situation if you're gonna fight now
Speaker 1: because after you get married it's too late. Basically. Correct.
Speaker 2: Basically. I think things like groceries, bills, like
Speaker 2: when everything is under your management and control. Right. I
Speaker 2: think it changes things and I agree because in the
Speaker 2: past my partner's cohabited with me under my parents roof
Speaker 2: and we didn't have to do anything. Everything is up
Speaker 2: to their care and we just live there. But now
Speaker 2: that I'm cohabiting with my partner, it's like it's his place. Right?
Speaker 2: So now it's our home. So everything we have to
Speaker 2: take care of it right from like if the bill
Speaker 2: goes out, we be like,
Speaker 2: ok, why, why is he just told me the other
Speaker 2: day the electrical bill went up. I was like, oh, shit,
Speaker 2: what have we been doing? It turns out it's because
Speaker 2: we have a new puppy now. And so we have
Speaker 2: to turn on the air con in a whole different
Speaker 2: room all night. So she's the reason for it anyways,
Speaker 2: things like that, being independent and financially independent in your
Speaker 2: own home is so much different than cohabiting. Other. Your
Speaker 2: parents
Speaker 1: agree. Emotional readiness is also one thing, I think some
Speaker 1: couples want to take the relationship to the next
Speaker 1: level and strengthen it. So, one of the better ways
Speaker 1: or one of the good ways to go about doing
Speaker 1: it is moving up and then see how you can
Speaker 1: handle your emotions when you just, you and your partner
Speaker 1: without the involvement of any family members.
Speaker 2: That's
Speaker 2: true. I mean, it is, it's the choice between we
Speaker 2: live together and it doesn't work. Let's break up. Yeah,
Speaker 2: we got married already now. We have to get a divorce,
Speaker 2: which is complicated. Right. Yeah, it's complicated. And
Speaker 2: I think a lot of people move in together sometimes
Speaker 2: because they're not sure if they want to get married yet.
Speaker 2: So they live together first and maybe delay marriage a
Speaker 2: little bit or they wanna, like I said, avoid having
Speaker 2: to get a divorce because they haven't seen the full picture.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, I can also understand why
Speaker 1: some people they refuse to move in together before getting married.
Speaker 1: Of course, there's a lot of like social stigma, especially
Speaker 1: for females and a traditional.
Speaker 1: Would you think that Singapore is a traditional country? Like
Speaker 1: in terms of these values,
Speaker 2: certain cultures, I think slightly conservative still because in the
Speaker 2: US parents expect their kids to move out at 18.
Speaker 2: Be it with a partner without a partner, correct. No
Speaker 2: one in Singapore expects that. Firstly because it's damn expensive.
Speaker 2: And also I think parents are a bit more like
Speaker 2: protective
Speaker 2: kids with them.
Speaker 1: I'm always my mother's little baby
Speaker 1: when I first wanted to move out. She's ha why?
Speaker 1: For what your p which means? Is it necessary?
Speaker 2: I think religion is another big thing which is why
Speaker 2: in some cultures it's completely taboo taboo think. Yeah, because
Speaker 2: living together before marriage to some people, it implies that
Speaker 2: the couple is intimate and in some cultures that is
Speaker 2: not acceptable. So I think with, it comes a lot
Speaker 2: of stigma. I think also one thing that people
Speaker 2: maybe would not choose to live with their partners because
Speaker 2: you have different living habits. Maybe one is a super
Speaker 2: morning person, one is a super night owl and then
Speaker 2: they just want to stay up all night and then
Speaker 2: you disturb the other person. It's so different. Yeah. It's
Speaker 2: a lot of things that you have to work through.
Speaker 2: So I work the night shift and my partner is
Speaker 2: a morning person. I would love to be a morning person,
Speaker 2: but I can't because I work the night shift. So
Speaker 2: there are a lot of things like when he wakes
Speaker 2: up in the morning because he's so independent. Right? He
Speaker 2: doesn't think
Speaker 2: that through no bad intention, but he doesn't realize that
Speaker 2: I'm still trying to sleep. So he open door, close
Speaker 2: the door, make coffee, do this, do that and it's
Speaker 2: like really loud and the machine goes, yeah,
Speaker 2: every morning, that's my alarm. So, I have a conversation
Speaker 2: with him like a few months ago after we started
Speaker 2: living together, I was like, babe,
Speaker 2: I need to sleep. I like, I'm still asleep. Can
Speaker 2: you just try, like, in a very nice way you
Speaker 2: have to communicate. You can't be like,
Speaker 2: no, you have to be like, can you please just
Speaker 2: be a bit quiet? Try to tone it down. They're
Speaker 2: not aware, it's not, there's no malicious intention and to
Speaker 2: his credit, he really reach, he opened the door. So
Speaker 2: now I close it so quietly. If our puppy is
Speaker 2: making noise, you could get her and make sure that
Speaker 2: they don't like, they don't like disturb
Speaker 2: me.
Speaker 1: I had the same conversation with my mother. She likes
Speaker 1: to open the door like bang and I think the
Speaker 1: thing very loudly then the next morning.
Speaker 1: Oh my God.
Speaker 2: Not just OK. You know, I mean, don't look at partners, right?
Speaker 2: Just look at your own house or your own family.
Speaker 2: Everyone has their own little
Speaker 2: self.
Speaker 1: Yeah,
Speaker 2: that sometimes drives you fucking nuts. My biggest, let me
Speaker 2: tell you my biggest thing, right? Is if I find
Speaker 2: things in my butter, I'm sorry, what are you
Speaker 1: talking
Speaker 2: about? You
Speaker 2: know,
Speaker 2: use butter, right? Everyone uses that butter, right? But you know,
Speaker 2: when someone uses like a like they already use something,
Speaker 2: a dirty knife, correct? And they put it in the
Speaker 2: butter and the like crs are there, for example, I
Speaker 2: sometimes peanut butter goes into.
Speaker 1: That must be the weirdest pet peeve ever
Speaker 2: me. Not. So if I open the fucking button and
Speaker 2: I see these things drive me crazy. I have a
Speaker 2: very simple solution for you. Buy my own, your own butter,
Speaker 2: label it a zero but
Speaker 1: do not and buy your own knife, label it a
Speaker 1: zero knife. Do
Speaker 1: not,
Speaker 2: do not touch. This is my butter and my butter
Speaker 2: only very simple solution to save you. A lot of grief.
Speaker 1: That's a horror story right there. But what some of
Speaker 1: the other horror stories that we have read online about
Speaker 1: moving in together?
Speaker 2: Ok. So this one from Reddit and this person says
Speaker 2: we were dating for a year before moving in together
Speaker 2: and I thought I knew him in and out because
Speaker 2: we spend so much time together.
Speaker 2: Despite not living together, we were always around each other
Speaker 2: and moving in just didn't seem like it was such
Speaker 2: a big deal upon moving in. We found out that
Speaker 2: we both are very different. He didn't think that he
Speaker 2: would have to cook or clean or basically do anything.
Speaker 2: He assumed that it was my the girls job
Speaker 1: shame on you.
Speaker 2: You don't have a clean house before I moved in.
Speaker 2: I thought he was a minimalist because he didn't really
Speaker 2: have anything around his apartment. But turns out is because
Speaker 2: it's easy for him to manage because he doesn't like
Speaker 2: to clean cook or anything like that. Another thing that
Speaker 2: would really annoy me is that I have a dog
Speaker 2: and he will always leave the gate open, which is
Speaker 2: very dangerous dog, run out, get run over my car,
Speaker 2: all that. I told him to be extra careful and
Speaker 2: he didn't seem to care at all.
Speaker 2: I got tired of being his mom and very soon
Speaker 2: after we broke up once the lease ended, so living
Speaker 2: together before marriage, even though I encountered many unpleasant surprises
Speaker 2: and it led to the end of the relationship without it,
Speaker 2: I wouldn't have known until it was too late,
Speaker 1: a
Speaker 1: blessing in this guy.
Speaker 1: So
Speaker 2: it's better to
Speaker 2: find out. But don't you think so? I think so.
Speaker 2: I've got another horror story. But before that hazy, because
Speaker 2: you said right, that you think I said you're not
Speaker 2: really for living together,
Speaker 2: correct?
Speaker 1: I would say I would way carefully. The are the
Speaker 1: pros and cons. So
Speaker 2: would you
Speaker 1: do it again?
Speaker 1: Yes. As much as I think, you know, I want
Speaker 1: to extend the romantic relationship, the romantic side of things
Speaker 1: ultimately is still a very practical decision to move in together.
Speaker 1: And I feel like with the right steps taken, you
Speaker 1: can still enhance that romantic relationship even more thing together.
Speaker 1: So
Speaker 2: how
Speaker 2: would you do it differently
Speaker 2: or better at this time?
Speaker 1: First of all,
Speaker 1: manage my own emotions, better explain it like why I'm
Speaker 1: feeling this way? Secondly, be more conscious, I feel like
Speaker 1: sometimes you need to put effort to like, have a
Speaker 1: little cook night together, sit down, eat together or just like,
Speaker 1: have a glass of beer and look at the view.
Speaker 1: Simple things like that. Very simple things. But can make
Speaker 1: a world of a difference. So.
Speaker 2: Right. I've got
Speaker 2: friend, she lives by herself. The guy lives by himself.
Speaker 2: They were not together at this point. This was COVID
Speaker 2: and they don't live in Singapore. So it was locked down, right?
Speaker 2: And you can't go out. And I think because it's Malaysia.
Speaker 2: So it's like rather far apart. Ok. OK. One day
Speaker 2: he decided to confess his love you,
Speaker 2: but you can't go out. So the only way is
Speaker 2: if you're exercising. So he cycle all the way to
Speaker 2: her house like four hours, I think. Wow, profess his
Speaker 2: love and then moved in right away, just him and
Speaker 2: his bicycle
Speaker 2: and they've lived together since. So it's like literally from
Speaker 2: day one. Wow, it's OK. In Singapore, the furthest you
Speaker 2: can cycle is like very
Speaker 1: far to
Speaker 2: Jurong,
Speaker 1: to Pasir Ris far, very far, very far, very far
Speaker 1: for
Speaker 2: them. I mean, that's a success story. It's very interesting.
Speaker 2: It's not hard.
Speaker 2: Sorry, I have a question for Hazy because now you
Speaker 2: own your own place. So if you were to have
Speaker 2: a partner that you would want to cohabitate with, would
Speaker 2: you want to rent a new place with your partner
Speaker 2: or have your partner cohabitate with you in your existing place.
Speaker 1: The first option
Speaker 1: is not even something I would consider. Why would I
Speaker 1: rent a new place
Speaker 2: so that you still have your own space? I know
Speaker 2: a few friends like that. They still keep their own space.
Speaker 2: Then they cohabitate with their partner in a shared space.
Speaker 2: I would prefer
Speaker 1: making new memories together in a space. I call mine.
Speaker 1: I think this makes it more meaningful but I see
Speaker 1: where you're coming from. I
Speaker 1: never thought like that could be an option. Then if
Speaker 1: it doesn't work there, how burn the house? No la
Speaker 1: then you move out and be happy every day is
Speaker 1: like
Speaker 2: that one. Yeah. So I know we've said a couple
Speaker 2: of horror stories but your friend story is a success.
Speaker 2: I think it's jackpot like one in a million cycle
Speaker 2: over there and then move in.
Speaker 2: So let's read you some success stories from its this
Speaker 2: story says from Singapore cohabited for five years before getting married.
Speaker 2: Five years long time. After washing the dishes, he leaves
Speaker 2: a soapy sponge to dry which irks me pet peeve
Speaker 2: of mine. My hair drops everywhere on the floor, which
Speaker 2: irks him. OK? After using the toilet, he doesn't turn
Speaker 2: off the lights, which irks me and it's
Speaker 2: likely irritates me. I wash my face in the basin
Speaker 2: and makes the floor wet. He doesn't like. It sounds
Speaker 2: like this is a horror story, right? But they communicated
Speaker 2: they were mature enough to take the feedback and change
Speaker 2: their habits. Now he squeezes the soap out of the
Speaker 2: sponges before he leaves the kitchen. I sweep my hair
Speaker 2: off the floor once a week as you should. He
Speaker 2: installed a motion sensor in the toilet so that the
Speaker 2: light turns on its smart. I now wash my face
Speaker 2: in the bathroom area instead of the
Speaker 2: and we're very happy together. So you see, like you,
Speaker 2: when you see these kind of things, you can iron
Speaker 2: it out slowly can make compromises.
Speaker 1: Yes, but it takes two hands to clap. Some people
Speaker 1: don't want to make changes. You know, some people just
Speaker 1: feel like why I'm happy living the way I am correct.
Speaker 1: They will work out what? So sometimes,
Speaker 2: right? I think beyond little things, sometimes it also has
Speaker 2: to do like with ourselves,
Speaker 1: right?
Speaker 2: Like OK, let me give you an example. I'm not
Speaker 2: a morning person. I fucking hate the morning. We can
Speaker 1: tell
Speaker 2: very obvious grumpy in the morning when you're by yourself.
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter, right? But I think sometimes we forget.
Speaker 2: So there has been an instance where I woke up
Speaker 2: in the morning and I was grumpy as fuck. But
Speaker 2: then like it's unfair for the other person, you know,
Speaker 2: and you wouldn't realize or discover or learn until like
Speaker 2: you go through it. I mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what I'm saying. You saw a side of yourself
Speaker 1: that you're not proud to show and that person doesn't
Speaker 1: deserve it.
Speaker 2: No, it's not about
Speaker 2: whether they deserve it is about, can they love you
Speaker 2: through it or not? It's like just this morning my partner,
Speaker 2: he had very late night, he came home from work
Speaker 2: dinner at midnight and then he had a 7:30 a.m. call.
Speaker 2: So to wake up at like 630 he was super grumpy.
Speaker 2: But I already knew from last night I knew he's
Speaker 2: going to be grumpy in the morning. So I prepared
Speaker 2: myself for the grumpiness and gave him a lot more TLC.
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, like she like a baby, like
Speaker 2: very grumpy. It's OK. It's OK. It's ok tomorrow, Saturdays
Speaker 2: the weekend, things like that. It's like you have to
Speaker 2: love them through the grumpiness. So it's OK that you
Speaker 2: got OK. So
Speaker 1: if that happens once in a while, that's ok. Sure.
Speaker 1: But if that happens every day, then I don't think
Speaker 1: it's like the partner's responsibility to keep likes the other.
Speaker 2: You see a therapist?
Speaker 1: Have you girls heard of this term? The cohabitation
Speaker 1: effect.
Speaker 2: It kind of scares me like you morph into one
Speaker 2: person or no cohabitation effect is you're more likely according
Speaker 2: to research. OK. If you cohabitate before marriage,
Speaker 2: the success rate of your relationship goes down. Why are
Speaker 2: the cohabitation? In fact, because when you live together, you
Speaker 2: find out more things that could potentially ruin your relationship
Speaker 2: and cause you to break up or get divorced or
Speaker 2: whatever sorry. Repeat
Speaker 2: that.
Speaker 2: The says yes. The statistic says that if you live
Speaker 2: together before marriage or before engagement, you're more likely to,
Speaker 2: you tend to be less satisfied, you tend to be
Speaker 2: less satisfied with your marriage and more likely that the
Speaker 2: marriage might not succeed or it might not happen, might
Speaker 2: not happen, then couples who do not live together
Speaker 2: for marriage but in my defense. No, but the comparison
Speaker 2: then would be the breakup rate to the divorce rate.
Speaker 2: Don't you think so? Is happening earlier?
Speaker 1: Whether you're grieving a breakup or grieving a divorce?
Speaker 2: No, that's
Speaker 2: why I say it scares me to hear the statistic
Speaker 2: but it makes sense because the more you find out
Speaker 2: about the person,
Speaker 2: the more chance there is that it might not work out.
Speaker 2: It is true but it's like a test drive before
Speaker 2: you buy a car.
Speaker 1: Do you actually test drive before you buy a car?
Speaker 1: Of course, I know.
Speaker 2: What are you talking? You test drive first and then
Speaker 2: you don't like you don't buy OK. Not so bad. No, man.
Speaker 2: Either way when it comes to moving in with your
Speaker 2: significant other,
Speaker 2: there's a lot to think about before you just move
Speaker 2: in on a whim. I mean your friend cycling all
Speaker 2: the way to the house moving in. There was a
Speaker 2: lucky
Speaker 1: one in a million. I don't think he
Speaker 2: thought
Speaker 2: he was gonna move in. I think he thought he
Speaker 2: was just gonna go there. No, she offered to, like, oh, yes,
Speaker 1: he must have been too tired to cycle four hours back.
Speaker 1: I can stay for the night and then once I
Speaker 1: became to one week and the like, forever,
Speaker 2: I mean, there's a lot of things that you should
Speaker 2: consider and discuss before you decide to move in. It
Speaker 2: is a commitment. It is a big step. Firstly, you
Speaker 2: need to be very open and communicate about each other's
Speaker 2: quirks and habits and pet peeves. Right? Don't just take
Speaker 2: it in, take it and take it in. It's ok.
Speaker 2: I'll just take it in. After a few years, you
Speaker 2: will
Speaker 2: explode.
Speaker 1: Not even a few years sometimes. So you must be
Speaker 1: really open
Speaker 1: with your emotions. And I think sharing responsibilities, equal responsibilities
Speaker 1: is very important. I'm not saying you have to do
Speaker 1: like 50% of dishes, 50% of the laundry. But if
Speaker 1: one person does the dishes, then the other person maybe
Speaker 1: can vacuum the floor mop the floor. Or if these
Speaker 1: chores really get to you, then my solution is chip
Speaker 1: in money. Get a part time helper if you outsource. Yeah. Correct.
Speaker 1: If it salvages a relationship, why not spend a little
Speaker 1: money
Speaker 2: moving in together also means
Speaker 2: sharing the financial. You have to discuss how you're going
Speaker 2: to share expenses. Is it split down the middle or
Speaker 2: is it like this week? I get groceries next week
Speaker 2: you get it or I'll pay for this one thing
Speaker 2: you pay for this other thing, we don't have to
Speaker 2: 5050 but we both have to put in equal effort
Speaker 2: because it's very unlikely that you and your partner make
Speaker 2: the same amount of money. Right. Someone's always gonna pull
Speaker 2: a bit more of the way. And that's ok. That
Speaker 2: happens in most marriages. Yeah. The one thing though, I
Speaker 2: would try to advise if it's possible for you within
Speaker 2: your budget, within whatever place that you're renting or buying
Speaker 2: or
Speaker 2: wherever you stay with your partner. I think it's very
Speaker 2: important to have two bathrooms carry on. I think it's
Speaker 2: very important for the relationship to do your business separately.
Speaker 2: Nobody else
Speaker 1: you do. You can you.
Speaker 2: No, but it's different like having your own bathroom. It's
Speaker 2: almost like having your own personal space. Like this is
Speaker 2: my
Speaker 2: my makeup, my skin care, my toothbrush, my everything. This
Speaker 2: is my space only then he has his space. Is
Speaker 2: that happening for you right now? Because his shit is
Speaker 2: really messy. So I cannot take it every time I
Speaker 2: go in there I pack right the next day is
Speaker 2: messy again. So my stuff is very organized and this
Speaker 2: is my space. I do my makeup here is like
Speaker 2: my therapy session and I think it's very important because
Speaker 2: even though you
Speaker 2: you can say take turns right, sometimes you're rushing out
Speaker 2: the house, right? One person's brushing the teeth, one person's
Speaker 2: in the shower and then you're pumping parts in the
Speaker 2: bathroom is just not as sexy as you think it is.
Speaker 1: Well, I
Speaker 1: once had a girlfriend who, because her partner was using
Speaker 1: the toilet, they only have one toilet in the house
Speaker 1: so she couldn't use it. Right. So she had to
Speaker 1: go downstairs to the, they say the condo
Speaker 1: like to the public toilet downstairs, do a business and
Speaker 1: then leave for work from there. So it's like you
Speaker 1: have along the way kind of thing. She had that
Speaker 1: all planned out, right? But interesting, a bit inconvenient that
Speaker 1: I agree. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So some tips and advice before we leave you to
Speaker 2: cohabitate with your partner, have a very thorough and proper
Speaker 2: discussion about why you want to live together. And you know,
Speaker 2: what kind of living habits can you
Speaker 2: debt to each other? They
Speaker 1: just make
Speaker 1: sure your intentions are aligned, your goals are aligned and
Speaker 1: always remember, conflicts are normal.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you need a very open channel of communication. That's right.
Speaker 2: Maybe you can start small. So don't just like move
Speaker 2: in right away, start by. I think this is what
Speaker 2: happened with me also. Like I was saying like one
Speaker 2: night a week, then two nights, three nights, four nights,
Speaker 2: five nights, six nights. Can I move in? You know,
Speaker 2: it was gradual and my stuff
Speaker 2: also started moving in very grudge
Speaker 1: like the
Speaker 2: easy take
Speaker 1: over. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And also I think it's important
Speaker 1: to respect each other's boundaries. Like we mentioned, cultural differences,
Speaker 1: religious differences, so many differences that you have to iron out,
Speaker 1: sit down and you just set the boundaries for yourself
Speaker 1: and for your partner.
Speaker 2: Absolutely. Well, you're a team at the end of the day.
Speaker 2: It's not you versus each other. It's you versus the
Speaker 2: world. Correct? You're not fighting each other. Exactly. We wish
Speaker 2: you all the very best.
Speaker 1: And if you are cohabiting with your partner, you have
Speaker 1: any comments or thoughts you want to tell us we
Speaker 1: be most happy to listen to them. Follow us on
Speaker 1: Instagram at its gray.co. That's right.
Speaker 2: You can listen to us on
Speaker 2: Spotify, Apple Podcast me. Listen, turn on your notification and
Speaker 2: we're on youtube as well. And yeah, I wish you
Speaker 2: a very happy home. See you any time. Bye bye.