WEBVTT - Why Do Men PRETEND To Be INCOMPETENT?! 0:00:07.039 --> 0:00:10.079 Welcome to another episode of Men Explained. It is getting 0:00:10.079 --> 0:00:13.159 crowded in here, right? Yes, it is. Once again, welcome 0:00:13.159 --> 0:00:16.590 back to another episode where we dive into topics and see, 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:19.079 we go into the minds of women, of men, and 0:00:19.079 --> 0:00:21.979 then we kind of break it down with our unapologetic, 0:00:22.079 --> 0:00:24.759 honest opinions. Yeah, honestly, I think this is the time 0:00:24.760 --> 0:00:27.139 where like A and I can actually argue and get 0:00:27.139 --> 0:00:29.280 away with it. Correct on the show, and we can 0:00:29.280 --> 0:00:31.920 actually say what we want to say. But please, before 0:00:31.920 --> 0:00:34.860 anything else, can we please welcome our guest today. Welcome 0:00:34.860 --> 0:00:35.629 to the Hot. 0:00:36.979 --> 0:00:37.169 The fuck. 0:00:40.409 --> 0:00:42.278 Oh my God, someone's a fan. Yeah, 0:00:42.360 --> 0:00:44.520 I know, right, but please welcome Joey and Nick. How 0:00:44.520 --> 0:00:47.318 are you guys doing today? Very excited to be here 0:00:47.319 --> 0:00:49.318 by the way. When they told me that we want 0:00:49.319 --> 0:00:52.150 you to do an episode where you can explain things. 0:00:53.168 --> 0:00:56.080 That's the reason why he came here. That's great. Happy 0:00:56.080 --> 0:00:59.319 to be here. Happy to be sitting next to Avery 0:00:59.319 --> 0:01:00.349 or OK, 0:01:00.709 --> 0:01:01.470 I'm looking at you. 0:01:03.389 --> 0:01:04.899 3 times for help at this point in time. OK, 0:01:06.730 --> 0:01:08.539 but I think you know what, today's topic, right, we're 0:01:08.540 --> 0:01:11.959 going to have a lot to talk about. Weaponized incompetence, 0:01:12.129 --> 0:01:14.580 a term that has been thrown around quite a bit lately. 0:01:14.730 --> 0:01:16.569 I want to be very honest. I haven't heard this 0:01:16.569 --> 0:01:19.330 I was going to do this episode. It's all for 0:01:19.330 --> 0:01:22.369 my TikTok. I wonder if it's because like I'm being targeted. 0:01:24.169 --> 0:01:27.029 algorithm to send you a message. Can we start by 0:01:27.074 --> 0:01:31.855 Giving a definition, what is weaponized? What? I don't even 0:01:31.855 --> 0:01:34.654 know what it means. But you might be doing it unconsciously. 0:01:35.714 --> 0:01:37.634 This is not restricted to just men, by the way, 0:01:38.154 --> 0:01:39.745 because when I went through this, I felt like I 0:01:39.745 --> 0:01:43.584 could relate a lot to it. Guilty as charged. Do 0:01:43.584 --> 0:01:47.175 you realize sometimes certain people in your life, they are 0:01:47.175 --> 0:01:49.944 not exactly not good at something, but they make excuses 0:01:49.944 --> 0:01:51.434 for it like, oh, I can't do this because I'm 0:01:51.434 --> 0:01:51.864 not good at it. 0:01:52.019 --> 0:01:55.559 Yeah, but actually they're just trying to get away with 0:01:55.559 --> 0:01:59.260 doing something. Could be in an office, could be at home, wherever. 0:02:00.569 --> 0:02:03.440 It became a trend on TikTok, right, because I think 0:02:03.440 --> 0:02:06.120 it first started off with a lot of, uh, in 0:02:06.120 --> 0:02:09.559 general women posting about how like they are the ones 0:02:09.559 --> 0:02:12.320 who are primarily doing the household chores at home and 0:02:12.320 --> 0:02:16.839 then when asked like why their male partners do not contribute. 0:02:16.945 --> 0:02:18.714 Yeah I was like, oh, I'm bad at the laundry. 0:02:18.975 --> 0:02:20.975 I'm so bad at doing the laundry. You do it 0:02:20.975 --> 0:02:22.823 so much better. I can't really that sort of thing. 0:02:23.815 --> 0:02:25.654 So I guess it works both ways, right, for women 0:02:25.654 --> 0:02:28.345 as well, it could be like uh repairing the stuff, 0:02:28.535 --> 0:02:29.904 you know, I don't know how to change a light bulb. 0:02:31.535 --> 0:02:34.133 I do that with Jeremy very often like I don't 0:02:34.133 --> 0:02:37.615 like to do the dishes or the laundry or anything really. 0:02:37.934 --> 0:02:40.725 Yeah. There's a female version. It's just I'm just a girl. 0:02:41.255 --> 0:02:41.394 I'm. 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:42.649 I'm a 0:02:42.649 --> 0:02:42.679 passenger 0:02:42.679 --> 0:02:46.750 princess 0:02:46.750 --> 0:02:48.630 so far. I'm just a girl. I'm 0:02:48.630 --> 0:02:49.259 that girl. 0:02:49.788 --> 0:02:51.630 So, so when was the last time you guys actually 0:02:51.630 --> 0:02:53.910 used that excuse? I'm just bad at it. Like, can 0:02:53.910 --> 0:02:55.589 you do it for me? Yeah, all the time. 0:02:56.029 --> 0:02:57.820 So I'll give you an example and then maybe Joey, 0:02:57.830 --> 0:02:59.940 you can. I don't know which one you relate to more, 0:03:00.059 --> 0:03:02.419 but this is the number one excuse that I always 0:03:02.419 --> 0:03:03.978 make when I don't want to do the dishes, which 0:03:03.979 --> 0:03:05.820 is all the time, OK? I'll say like I don't 0:03:05.820 --> 0:03:09.820 want my hands to like itch, you know, um, and 0:03:09.820 --> 0:03:12.860 my manicure and my hands are very, you know, sensitive 0:03:12.860 --> 0:03:16.940 to the dishwashing soap. It is, it is, yes. 0:03:17.050 --> 0:03:19.289 It could be true with prolonged, 0:03:22.000 --> 0:03:24.940 um, you know, just not just any dishwashing soap really. 0:03:25.162 --> 0:03:30.123 get like upgrade your dishwasher's pink rubber gloves, but then 0:03:30.123 --> 0:03:32.962 the gloves, right, you still have that residual, I don't 0:03:32.962 --> 0:03:33.453 know, like, the best is when was the last time 0:03:33.453 --> 0:03:33.462 you 0:03:38.682 --> 0:03:40.041 you said, you know, I'm just bad at 0:03:40.042 --> 0:03:42.003 it. I wouldn't say I'm just bad at it. I 0:03:42.003 --> 0:03:43.912 would just say like, oh, we need to do this, 0:03:44.042 --> 0:03:46.882 which is if you look into the words you need 0:03:46.882 --> 0:03:50.363 to do this. Yeah, like, oh we need to do this. Oh, 0:03:50.402 --> 0:03:51.763 we need to go and get that. Oh, I need 0:03:51.763 --> 0:03:53.763 to go to the fridge, but he's closer to the fridge. 0:03:54.076 --> 0:03:56.546 Yes, OK, I'll go get it. I'm like, oh thanks. 0:03:57.505 --> 0:04:00.666 But would you say that that's really weaponized incompetence then 0:04:00.666 --> 0:04:02.225 because it's not that you can't do it. It's not 0:04:02.225 --> 0:04:04.746 that you're bad at it. You just don't want that's 0:04:04.746 --> 0:04:08.906 just manipulation. Are we? No, I feel like it becomes 0:04:08.906 --> 0:04:12.266 weaponized incompetence, right, when you use you doing it badly 0:04:12.266 --> 0:04:14.065 or not being able to do it as an excuse 0:04:14.065 --> 0:04:15.985 to get the other person to do it. If you 0:04:15.985 --> 0:04:17.545 are say like I don't like to do it or 0:04:17.545 --> 0:04:19.265 I don't want to do it, can you do it 0:04:19.265 --> 0:04:21.186 for me please, because like I would like if you 0:04:21.186 --> 0:04:22.876 could do this for me. I think that's not. 0:04:23.098 --> 0:04:26.408 OK, OK. So what about your dynamic then? I don't 0:04:26.408 --> 0:04:28.449 think so I don't want to do something, I'll just 0:04:28.449 --> 0:04:31.329 say I don't want to do something, and I feel 0:04:31.329 --> 0:04:36.008 like in terms of household chores, we are split evenly 0:04:36.009 --> 0:04:38.407 so like cleaning and laundry we will split, but cooking 0:04:38.408 --> 0:04:41.889 is always myself. Then after that, like dishes will always 0:04:41.889 --> 0:04:46.079 be my wife Jess, yeah. What about like tech related stuff, 0:04:47.199 --> 0:04:51.008 it's definitely you. Does she make any reasons or excuses 0:04:51.009 --> 0:04:51.968 or no? 0:04:52.122 --> 0:04:56.312 Just, just doesn't keep up to date with like yeah 0:04:56.312 --> 0:04:59.152 or even like home improvement, right, like say if we 0:04:59.152 --> 0:05:02.432 were to implement a smart home tomorrow, it will be me, 0:05:03.312 --> 0:05:05.731 but the thing is she doesn't expect me to do it, 0:05:05.951 --> 0:05:07.592 so it's not a case of like I want a 0:05:07.592 --> 0:05:09.181 smart home, can you do it? She's just like I 0:05:09.182 --> 0:05:11.432 don't need a smart home. But do you think that's 0:05:11.432 --> 0:05:14.311 a gender norm being like, all the men should do 0:05:14.312 --> 0:05:16.152 the repairing, the men should do the setting up of 0:05:16.152 --> 0:05:19.611 the smart homes, while in that case a bit different lah, huh? 0:05:19.671 --> 0:05:21.092 But do you think that's a 0:05:21.613 --> 0:05:25.204 I feel like if we look at the median and average, right, 0:05:25.295 --> 0:05:28.255 then there definitely are gender stereotypes in terms of like 0:05:28.255 --> 0:05:30.815 what society expects women to do, what society expects men 0:05:30.815 --> 0:05:33.135 to be better at, but I don't think that that's 0:05:33.135 --> 0:05:37.885 accurate or representative for every relationship la. Yeah, I'm going 0:05:37.885 --> 0:05:40.214 to just put it out there like my own partner Jeremy, 0:05:40.255 --> 0:05:43.534 he's not very good at tech stuff, honestly, like the 0:05:43.535 --> 0:05:45.424 man works in fintech. Yeah, 0:05:47.005 --> 0:05:47.214 but he's 0:05:47.214 --> 0:05:48.135 more thin tech. 0:05:51.238 --> 0:05:54.958 Fintech doesn't equate to fixing cables, my friend. This is 0:05:54.958 --> 0:05:58.317 why A is in media, OK, I can see that. No, 0:05:58.377 --> 0:06:01.317 but I think it's interesting because like coming from a 0:06:01.317 --> 0:06:04.597 single person, right, obviously you've got all this weaponized incompetence 0:06:04.597 --> 0:06:07.157 that you guys are talking about comes from relationships. Do 0:06:07.157 --> 0:06:10.738 you guys see it in the workplace, right? Because for me, 0:06:11.037 --> 0:06:13.157 I will say that as a single person, I can't say, 0:06:13.197 --> 0:06:14.397 oh yeah, you know, I see this in a relationship 0:06:14.398 --> 0:06:18.738 because what are we talking about? But we do see. 0:06:19.210 --> 0:06:22.240 I know, no, no externally, but um I see a 0:06:22.240 --> 0:06:26.420 lot in the workplace. So for me, my weaponizing confidence 0:06:26.420 --> 0:06:29.781 comes from knowing that my radio partner Jermaine is very 0:06:29.781 --> 0:06:35.061 much logistically more capable than I am. Logistically meaning that 0:06:35.061 --> 0:06:38.061 she handles all the Excel sheets when it comes to 0:06:38.061 --> 0:06:42.821 like doing our scripting, our Pro Tools. She is hands 0:06:42.821 --> 0:06:45.860 on with everything and initially when we first started, she 0:06:45.860 --> 0:06:47.740 was like, you know, can you do it? And I 0:06:47.740 --> 0:06:48.131 was like, 0:06:48.410 --> 0:06:51.940 I can, but you do it better. You do it 0:06:51.940 --> 0:06:54.058 better than me. And you know, we've been in this 0:06:54.059 --> 0:06:55.890 partnership for 3 years now that she doesn't even bother 0:06:55.890 --> 0:06:58.500 asking anymore. She's just like, OK, I will do it 0:06:58.500 --> 0:07:00.299 because I know that you're terrible at it. So you 0:07:00.299 --> 0:07:04.220 contribute with power and moral support. I contribute with my 0:07:04.220 --> 0:07:08.349 brain and my presence and the vibes you or not. 0:07:08.959 --> 0:07:12.380 I do try. I'm not great at it, right, and 0:07:12.380 --> 0:07:13.940 she really is good at it, and I think it's 0:07:13.940 --> 0:07:15.339 also kind of like a give and take. 0:07:15.494 --> 0:07:19.225 Because now she knows when you do it, it's it's OK. 0:07:19.614 --> 0:07:22.375 When I do it, it's great. So let me do it. 0:07:22.654 --> 0:07:24.295 I feel like if it's a case of you put 0:07:24.295 --> 0:07:27.454 in like 100% right and it's at a level that 0:07:27.454 --> 0:07:29.614 you can live with and you're happy with, but the 0:07:29.614 --> 0:07:34.795 other person is not happy with it, then it's not really, 0:07:34.804 --> 0:07:37.095 but I will admit sometimes then now when I do 0:07:37.095 --> 0:07:39.045 like maybe I do 60% and she wants to do better, 0:07:39.135 --> 0:07:39.804 then she do all. 0:07:41.820 --> 0:07:41.940 That 0:07:41.940 --> 0:07:43.339 is 0:07:43.339 --> 0:07:44.720 incompetence. 0:07:45.019 --> 0:07:46.459 I think I need to say that I think there's 0:07:46.459 --> 0:07:49.260 a very fine line between playing to each other's strengths 0:07:49.260 --> 0:07:52.660 and weaknesses and weaponizing incompetence. Like if you have been 0:07:52.660 --> 0:07:55.019 tasked to do something and it's agreed upon that you 0:07:55.019 --> 0:07:57.540 will handle this and you come home and the dishes 0:07:57.540 --> 0:07:59.420 are not done, everything is messy and they're like, oh, 0:07:59.440 --> 0:08:01.220 because like I tried and it was just too messy, 0:08:01.260 --> 0:08:02.649 I can't do it. I figured you'd do it better, 0:08:02.739 --> 0:08:03.299 but it was really. 0:08:03.605 --> 0:08:05.975 Upon that you would handle this. If you don't even try, 0:08:06.225 --> 0:08:09.345 then I think that's weaponized incompetence. But if it's agreed 0:08:09.345 --> 0:08:11.105 upon that OK, it's OK, I'm better at this and 0:08:11.105 --> 0:08:12.894 you're better at this, then we split. I don't think 0:08:12.894 --> 0:08:15.825 it's weaponized incompetence because it's agreed upon that you guys 0:08:15.825 --> 0:08:17.114 play to your strengths and weaknesses in a within a couple, 0:08:21.304 --> 0:08:24.065 right, one person assign something to another person, then you 0:08:24.065 --> 0:08:25.105 must be prepared for. 0:08:25.600 --> 0:08:28.230 The result la, 100%. 0:08:28.269 --> 0:08:30.549 Like why would you force a task that you know 0:08:30.549 --> 0:08:32.830 will not be performed well on someone just to make 0:08:32.830 --> 0:08:35.190 them feel like, see, you're not living up to the standard, 0:08:35.229 --> 0:08:37.789 but it doesn't make sense to force this task on 0:08:37.789 --> 0:08:39.348 someone that like you know they can't do. 0:08:39.549 --> 0:08:42.030 Yeah, no, so for me like, OK, I don't feel 0:08:42.030 --> 0:08:43.549 forced to do it. I know that I should. 0:08:44.030 --> 0:08:46.030 Also pull my own weight when it comes to these things. 0:08:46.130 --> 0:08:47.909 We have our own places, right? So I also learned 0:08:47.909 --> 0:08:50.289 how to handle some of my stuff, you know, be 0:08:50.289 --> 0:08:53.299 it household chores, finances, or whatever it may be, right? 0:08:53.669 --> 0:08:56.890 But then when we come together and you know, he 0:08:56.890 --> 0:09:00.469 already knows that I hate doing, say, laundry or dishes 0:09:00.469 --> 0:09:02.709 or whatever, but when I do it at his house, 0:09:02.830 --> 0:09:07.030 he's like extra, extra appreciative of it, you know, so 0:09:07.030 --> 0:09:09.750 he's like, oh, I really appreciate it. So maybe the 0:09:09.750 --> 0:09:11.829 trick is you got to hold back a little bit 0:09:11.830 --> 0:09:12.309 like don't. 0:09:14.377 --> 0:09:17.887 So when you do it, it's like, but the question is, 0:09:17.898 --> 0:09:20.338 do you think that that's really incompetence or just that 0:09:20.338 --> 0:09:22.657 you just don't want to do it because like if 0:09:22.658 --> 0:09:24.767 you're incompetent, it means that you can't do it well. 0:09:25.338 --> 0:09:27.257 It's like throwing it in and pressing a button. How 0:09:27.256 --> 0:09:31.567 bad can it's not like I quite particular about laundry 0:09:31.567 --> 0:09:34.338 or so, um, must fall a certain way. So then 0:09:34.338 --> 0:09:37.617 when Jess doesn't fall a certain way, right, then I'm 0:09:37.617 --> 0:09:39.296 like I will refold, but I will make it a 0:09:39.297 --> 0:09:41.538 point to not be like, uh, you fall wrong, can 0:09:41.538 --> 0:09:42.478 you don't fold it like that. 0:09:43.184 --> 0:09:45.906 Because if you are doing it, then I must be 0:09:45.905 --> 0:09:47.676 prepared that like this is the result lah. 0:09:48.926 --> 0:09:54.005 But he really likes like laundry, cooking, cleaning, he loves 0:09:54.005 --> 0:09:56.176 I'm starting to realize that a lot of this when 0:09:56.176 --> 0:09:58.875 it comes to relationships, a lot of it is dependent 0:09:58.875 --> 0:10:01.895 on how your partner both of you like to do something, 0:10:01.966 --> 0:10:04.226 don't like to do something, right? But that's more of 0:10:04.226 --> 0:10:07.486 like a compromise. When you guys first started this relationship, 0:10:07.565 --> 0:10:10.166 was it like you paid attention to what this person 0:10:10.166 --> 0:10:11.926 is not good at? Because I to me. 0:10:12.004 --> 0:10:14.873 That's more incompetent than it is like a compromise. I 0:10:14.874 --> 0:10:17.924 think it depends on your tolerance level so far the 0:10:17.924 --> 0:10:20.383 examples that we've given right have always been like one 0:10:20.383 --> 0:10:21.993 is good, one is not good, but I think it 0:10:21.994 --> 0:10:24.234 really becomes a true test when both are not good 0:10:24.234 --> 0:10:25.863 or both of you don't like to do a certain thing. 0:10:26.314 --> 0:10:27.353 And I also feel like a lot of the things 0:10:27.354 --> 0:10:31.593 that we're talking about right is very like physical like laundry, vacuuming, 0:10:31.723 --> 0:10:34.523 ironing chores another angle like emotional, 0:10:34.783 --> 0:10:36.593 emotional talking about feelings 0:10:36.593 --> 0:10:37.073 like 0:10:37.073 --> 0:10:40.953 OK, we found we found. 0:10:42.742 --> 0:10:43.262 You're not a 0:10:43.261 --> 0:10:43.971 perfect man. 0:10:44.822 --> 0:10:45.381 Nobody said 0:10:45.381 --> 0:10:46.361 that. 0:10:48.302 --> 0:10:51.471 You're mostly what Avery is aspiring to be right now. OK, 0:10:54.572 --> 0:10:56.432 I am emotionally so I've been told by my female 0:10:56.432 --> 0:10:59.622 co-host on the podcast and Jess has confirmed this. I 0:10:59.622 --> 0:11:01.271 think like when we argue a lot of times it's 0:11:01.271 --> 0:11:04.502 because of this. I've learned recently that I have cognitive 0:11:04.502 --> 0:11:07.780 empathy and not emotional empathy. Please fill us in on 0:11:07.780 --> 0:11:08.971 the case. 0:11:11.059 --> 0:11:15.179 I understand why you are feeling this way. Emotional empathy is, oh, 0:11:15.320 --> 0:11:17.239 I can feel it as well. So you understand why 0:11:17.239 --> 0:11:18.000 you don't feel. Yeah. 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:21.569 He can like intellectualize it, but he can't emotionally 0:11:21.570 --> 0:11:21.950 process 0:11:21.950 --> 0:11:24.599 it in that way. So that's just look at it 0:11:24.599 --> 0:11:26.479 and she's like, OK, I understand that you don't. 0:11:26.625 --> 0:11:29.214 Process this the way that like, you know, I would 0:11:29.215 --> 0:11:31.375 prefer it. So that to me is like I'm going 0:11:31.375 --> 0:11:33.375 to step up and then be able to properly do 0:11:33.375 --> 0:11:35.184 this in a relationship. Yeah, so I think there was 0:11:35.184 --> 0:11:40.015 that that calibration that was needed. I also had the 0:11:40.015 --> 0:11:42.965 realization that if I kept on going like I'm just 0:11:42.965 --> 0:11:45.375 not like that, then I feel like that is a 0:11:45.375 --> 0:11:48.655 form of weaponizing computers so like you are kind of 0:11:48.655 --> 0:11:51.135 making an excuse to not try by saying that, you know, 0:11:51.455 --> 0:11:53.895 I just cannot. I completely understand this as well, right, 0:11:54.135 --> 0:11:55.215 because as you are. 0:11:55.830 --> 0:11:59.150 Trying to emotionally deal with something, right, and then you're like, oh. 0:11:59.849 --> 0:12:02.049 Because it's so emotional, I don't know how to deal 0:12:02.049 --> 0:12:03.929 with it. Yeah, I'm just gonna like, you know what, 0:12:04.090 --> 0:12:06.210 if you don't understand it, too bad. No, but you 0:12:06.210 --> 0:12:08.799 are the emotional one or you are not emotional one. 0:12:09.690 --> 0:12:11.809 So like to my partner, I'm not emotional. So I'm 0:12:11.809 --> 0:12:15.890 very emotional. So it's a spectrum I also think that 0:12:15.890 --> 0:12:18.609 sometimes it depends on the person that you're with. It 0:12:18.609 --> 0:12:21.090 brings out a different side of people. Like, you know, 0:12:21.330 --> 0:12:23.960 sometimes the person that is maybe not suitable for you, right, 0:12:24.059 --> 0:12:26.010 brings out just this like horrible side of you that 0:12:26.010 --> 0:12:28.329 you didn't even realize existed and then you don't even 0:12:28.330 --> 0:12:28.848 recognize yourself. 0:12:29.380 --> 0:12:29.390 Yeah, 0:12:30.119 --> 0:12:33.359 I think once it's brought to your consciousness from your 0:12:33.359 --> 0:12:36.640 subconscious or like maybe you weren't aware, once someone tells you, hey, 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:39.520 I'm not OK with this, and you constantly continue the 0:12:39.520 --> 0:12:42.479 same behavior, then to me, I feel like you're going 0:12:42.479 --> 0:12:44.039 out of your way to hurt that person or like 0:12:44.039 --> 0:12:46.330 you're consciously hurting that person because you already know what 0:12:46.330 --> 0:12:49.728 your partner needs this to feel validated or secure and 0:12:49.729 --> 0:12:51.598 you're like, but I'm not good at it. So it's 0:12:51.599 --> 0:12:54.780 still a conscious choice to. I know if I don't change, 0:12:54.840 --> 0:12:57.929 I'm hurting her, but it suits me better. So you 0:12:57.929 --> 0:12:58.239 know what I mean? 0:12:58.359 --> 0:13:01.109 Yeah, no, I think a good example is when Jeremy 0:13:01.109 --> 0:13:03.030 and I had our own issues and we tried to 0:13:03.030 --> 0:13:05.150 iron certain things out, right? One of it was the 0:13:05.150 --> 0:13:08.390 communication when it came to like solving problems or when 0:13:08.390 --> 0:13:11.510 I'm when I come to the table with like this 0:13:11.510 --> 0:13:14.289 issue or that issue, and I actually just want him 0:13:14.289 --> 0:13:17.950 to empathize and listen, but he is, he was very 0:13:17.950 --> 0:13:21.150 similar to what you, yeah, problem solver, so he'd be like, ah, 0:13:21.229 --> 0:13:23.150 it's just so easy, just do this. Why don't you 0:13:23.150 --> 0:13:25.709 just do that? That would make me even more emotional, right? 0:13:25.809 --> 0:13:27.589 And I'm like, you just don't understand me. 0:13:27.929 --> 0:13:31.140 And after I communicated to him that he sometimes all 0:13:31.140 --> 0:13:34.409 I need is someone to listen and not come back 0:13:34.409 --> 0:13:37.260 with a solution. I just want you to be like, 0:13:37.419 --> 0:13:39.659 I'm on your side, babe, like I'm on your side. 0:13:40.260 --> 0:13:42.849 That's it. I'm on your side. So he's like, oh, 0:13:42.979 --> 0:13:45.700 like that, OK, OK. So to be fair, he's kind 0:13:45.700 --> 0:13:46.968 of changed it a little bit. 0:13:47.539 --> 0:13:50.969 Same same with Charlie, he would oftentimes like keep quiet 0:13:50.969 --> 0:13:52.780 and in his head he's like, yeah, I agree this 0:13:52.780 --> 0:13:54.979 person sucks so like I can't believe they hurt you, 0:13:55.039 --> 0:13:57.419 but then outside it's like this like hm. 0:13:58.440 --> 0:14:00.030 You know, like I already knew this would happen. I'm like, 0:14:00.039 --> 0:14:02.830 I understand that. I understand that logically you can process it, 0:14:02.880 --> 0:14:04.840 but like me, what I need right now is to 0:14:04.840 --> 0:14:06.359 feel like you're on my side. So I will literally 0:14:06.359 --> 0:14:08.919 give in phrases like I'm sorry. When you say I'm sorry, 0:14:09.000 --> 0:14:10.479 it's not like I'm sorry I caused you hurt. It's 0:14:10.479 --> 0:14:13.080 like I'm sorry you're feeling this way about empathizing or 0:14:13.080 --> 0:14:16.320 sympathizing the person is. Correct, the teacher, like, say I'm 0:14:16.320 --> 0:14:18.640 sorry this is happening. You can say you can rub 0:14:18.640 --> 0:14:20.599 my back. If you know what to say, you can 0:14:20.599 --> 0:14:23.479 rub my back. You can maybe hold my arm. Like 0:14:23.479 --> 0:14:26.640 these are ways that I will feel assured. Correct. I think. 0:14:26.715 --> 0:14:28.664 I cannot expect him to know what to do without 0:14:28.664 --> 0:14:31.385 communicating that also. So I think a lot of the 0:14:31.385 --> 0:14:34.775 partnership and growing together right is about communicating and also 0:14:34.775 --> 0:14:38.304 sometimes I cannot take his silence as like ignoring me 0:14:38.304 --> 0:14:39.684 because that's how he processes it. 0:14:39.974 --> 0:14:42.034 Yeah, sometimes my partner is like, I have nothing to say. 0:14:42.104 --> 0:14:44.585 I understand, but I've got nothing to say at this 0:14:44.585 --> 0:14:46.905 point and that's why he stays quiet. So it's a 0:14:46.905 --> 0:14:48.994 case of I feel like if you give them 10 0:14:48.994 --> 0:14:50.984 keywords right to use and then they use 6 but 0:14:50.984 --> 0:14:53.684 then the other 40% of the time they're silent or 0:14:53.684 --> 0:14:54.984 like problem solving mode. 0:14:55.530 --> 0:15:00.799 Then they are trying, if they don't like don't try 0:15:00.799 --> 0:15:02.969 to communicate in the way that you want, then that 0:15:02.969 --> 0:15:06.400 is a bit of a weaponized he's already committed to 0:15:06.400 --> 0:15:09.369 me in life, so he has no choice but to 0:15:09.369 --> 0:15:11.330 deal with this, you know. Obviously this is because you 0:15:11.330 --> 0:15:13.530 feel that your partners are not able to express a 0:15:13.530 --> 0:15:16.280 certain emotion towards you and you guys have to teach 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:18.929 them in that sense, right? So do you think in 0:15:18.929 --> 0:15:21.130 a sense, women are kind of to blame. 0:15:21.885 --> 0:15:25.994 Open inverted commas like that, yeah, disclaimer to blame for 0:15:25.994 --> 0:15:28.434 like coddling men in this sense, you know, when it 0:15:28.434 --> 0:15:31.594 comes to maybe emotionally, or you don't understand me as 0:15:31.594 --> 0:15:33.994 a woman, let me do this for you because if not, 0:15:34.005 --> 0:15:36.034 it's going to feel as though you're weaponizing your incompetence 0:15:36.034 --> 0:15:38.784 and making me feel like I cannot express it this way. 0:15:39.674 --> 0:15:41.875 It is a two way street I feel, right? Yeah, 0:15:41.994 --> 0:15:45.075 I think coddling comes when um let's say you are 0:15:45.075 --> 0:15:48.275 in a public setting and then he doesn't say anything. 0:15:48.549 --> 0:15:51.260 And then you try to defend him without letting him 0:15:51.260 --> 0:15:53.890 handle it himself. For example, like maybe it's his family 0:15:53.890 --> 0:15:57.500 and maybe there's bad news, right? And then he didn't 0:15:57.500 --> 0:15:58.940 say the right thing, he just said there and then 0:15:58.940 --> 0:16:00.760 they accused him of, why don't you have anything to 0:16:00.760 --> 0:16:03.979 say about this family better, right? And then you speak 0:16:03.979 --> 0:16:05.979 out like, no, no, no, he actually just doesn't, you know, 0:16:06.070 --> 0:16:08.700 like this is how he processes it. Instead of letting 0:16:08.700 --> 0:16:10.659 him deal with it and then you go and speak 0:16:10.659 --> 0:16:13.690 up and protect him. I think that's coddling. But if 0:16:14.020 --> 0:16:15.739 behind the scenes you're like, hey, you know, just now 0:16:15.739 --> 0:16:18.140 at the family thing, I think you should have like spoken. 0:16:18.270 --> 0:16:21.520 But I understand is how you process, but from the 0:16:21.520 --> 0:16:23.580 outside it looks like you don't care. And then you 0:16:23.580 --> 0:16:26.380 give him the tools to also have independence because we 0:16:26.380 --> 0:16:28.299 don't want to ship them to the people that we 0:16:28.299 --> 0:16:30.820 want them to be like all the way, you know 0:16:30.820 --> 0:16:31.289 what I mean. 0:16:31.859 --> 0:16:34.059 So Nick, do you think your wife cuddles you and 0:16:34.059 --> 0:16:36.979 maybe not say emotionally, but even in like household chores 0:16:36.979 --> 0:16:41.280 and stuff like that. I think a bit, because like 0:16:41.280 --> 0:16:44.369 there are times where my workday is quite hectic like 0:16:44.369 --> 0:16:46.890 and a lot of times I I cook my lunches, 0:16:47.000 --> 0:16:47.859 so you know when I'm alone at home. 0:16:48.099 --> 0:16:50.580 Then I will cook because like my wife will go 0:16:50.580 --> 0:16:52.330 to the office and all that and I work from home. 0:16:52.460 --> 0:16:54.219 So sometimes I cook, I eat, and then I have 0:16:54.219 --> 0:16:56.770 to go straight back to work so I don't clean up, 0:16:57.419 --> 0:16:58.780 but I do that too. But then in my mind 0:16:58.780 --> 0:17:01.380 it's like, OK, I will clean up later but I 0:17:01.380 --> 0:17:04.619 think her threshold for like leaving it there is much 0:17:04.619 --> 0:17:06.739 lower than mine. So then a lot of times she 0:17:06.739 --> 0:17:09.099 cleans up, obviously not all the time lah, and then 0:17:09.099 --> 0:17:11.219 there are times also where it's like when she returns 0:17:11.219 --> 0:17:13.459 home from office, I make it a point that OK, 0:17:13.739 --> 0:17:16.949 must have hot dinner for for her already. So that's 0:17:16.949 --> 0:17:17.659 one thing. So then 0:17:17.708 --> 0:17:19.288 To me it's a bit of a compromise. But do 0:17:19.288 --> 0:17:21.399 you think it's ever been a point where you cook 0:17:21.398 --> 0:17:23.338 and then you're like, I know Jess is going to clean. 0:17:23.458 --> 0:17:24.978 I'm just gonna leave her. No, I don't think so. 0:17:25.058 --> 0:17:25.779 I don't think so. I think 0:17:25.779 --> 0:17:26.718 that's when it is. 0:17:27.629 --> 0:17:29.697 That's why I think you're trying to, you know, so 0:17:29.698 --> 0:17:32.129 you don't do that. So you do it subconsciously because 0:17:32.129 --> 0:17:33.417 you're like, I will clean and then she just does 0:17:33.417 --> 0:17:36.098 it for you. OK, OK, but I know that you 0:17:36.098 --> 0:17:38.479