WEBVTT - Getting help in toxic and abusive relationships 0:00:00.340 --> 0:00:03.010 here. What's going on, sonia here with you? And Oh man, 0:00:03.009 --> 0:00:06.350 welcome back to men explain. It has been a while? 0:00:06.360 --> 0:00:08.530 Just like a relationship. We took a short little break? 0:00:08.530 --> 0:00:11.050 But we are back? 0:00:12.140 --> 0:00:12.550 Yeah. 0:00:13.140 --> 0:00:13.460 Yeah. 0:00:15.140 --> 0:00:15.350 Mm 0:00:15.740 --> 0:00:18.720 And I've got some special guests here with me today. 0:00:18.730 --> 0:00:21.060 There will be no strangers to you. I promise you that. 0:00:21.060 --> 0:00:22.700 And um it's always going to be like a little 0:00:22.700 --> 0:00:27.480 catch up for us to please welcome Tabatha and Louis. Hi, 0:00:27.490 --> 0:00:30.710 thanks for having us. Hi, I'm Tabatha. I'm a singer, 0:00:30.720 --> 0:00:35.239 sometimes actress, a dog lover and dog mom. And um 0:00:35.250 --> 0:00:36.350 I also like cheese. 0:00:36.440 --> 0:00:38.360 Hi, I'm louis with his partner. 0:00:39.040 --> 0:00:42.830 Oh, sweet. Okay. I like how you said um I 0:00:42.830 --> 0:00:46.540 like cheese and then you look at louis anyway, you know, 0:00:46.540 --> 0:00:48.890 we're here today to talk about relationships and this is 0:00:48.890 --> 0:00:51.400 what the podcast is all about. We explore different facets 0:00:51.400 --> 0:00:56.890 of relationships um both in the workplace, friendships, relationships, romantic relationships, 0:00:56.890 --> 0:00:57.960 everything 0:00:58.040 --> 0:01:00.590 We've been through so much over the past few episodes 0:01:00.590 --> 0:01:01.250 and now 0:01:01.440 --> 0:01:06.780 we're going to be addressing toxic relationships, Dum, dum, dum. Yeah, 0:01:06.780 --> 0:01:08.760 that's right. It's such a 0:01:08.940 --> 0:01:12.410 broad topic, isn't it? Because it doesn't just cover one thing. 0:01:12.420 --> 0:01:15.530 Like you've got the emotional aspect of it, then, you know, 0:01:15.540 --> 0:01:17.480 sometimes like the more serious stuff would be like the 0:01:17.480 --> 0:01:22.040 physical aspect of it. Um it's very broad, there's so 0:01:22.040 --> 0:01:22.760 many 0:01:23.440 --> 0:01:25.479 things that fall under it. It 0:01:25.550 --> 0:01:28.380 has to be like toxic bosses or managers. And of course, 0:01:28.390 --> 0:01:31.490 of course, yeah. Today, I mean obviously we're gonna be 0:01:31.490 --> 0:01:36.110 focusing on toxic relationships and romantic sense as well? Um 0:01:36.120 --> 0:01:39.990 Have you guys, personally experienced anything like that at all? 0:01:40.000 --> 0:01:41.650 Have you been in a toxic relationship? 0:01:41.740 --> 0:01:44.560 Are you the toxic 1? I don't think I have 0:01:44.840 --> 0:01:49.030 I've had close friends in toxic relationships before which 0:01:49.030 --> 0:01:52.080 you can also share stories about anonymously to 0:01:52.090 --> 0:01:53.850 Nice. You 0:01:53.850 --> 0:01:55.100 can anonymously. 0:01:55.110 --> 0:01:57.680 Yeah. I think I may have been like when I 0:01:57.680 --> 0:02:00.460 was younger had like ex girlfriends that were like a 0:02:00.460 --> 0:02:04.110 little bit toxic, but nothing crazy, nothing physical more like 0:02:04.110 --> 0:02:04.660 emotional 0:02:04.740 --> 0:02:04.920 and 0:02:04.920 --> 0:02:06.750 perhaps you might not even have realized it at the 0:02:06.750 --> 0:02:10.790 Time. Exactly. And you're young, like 13, 14, 0:02:11.139 --> 0:02:12.309 you 0:02:12.440 --> 0:02:14.560 uh 0:02:14.940 --> 0:02:18.910 I think for me, maybe this topic like is a 0:02:18.910 --> 0:02:21.780 little bit close to home because I have been in 0:02:21.780 --> 0:02:25.320 a relationship before where it was toxic. And so I've 0:02:25.330 --> 0:02:28.730 got some experience, I would say so, maybe tabs if 0:02:28.730 --> 0:02:30.840 you want to like sort of expand on that a 0:02:30.840 --> 0:02:31.350 little bit. 0:02:31.540 --> 0:02:35.260 Um what did you experience in this toxic relationship that 0:02:35.340 --> 0:02:38.579 you want to highlight here on the show today? Yeah. Okay. 0:02:38.580 --> 0:02:41.840 Where do we even start? I feel like the relationship 0:02:41.840 --> 0:02:44.570 that I was in uh in the past was your 0:02:44.570 --> 0:02:49.790 very typical standard toxic relationship in a sense that it 0:02:49.790 --> 0:02:57.980 was very emotionally manipulative, very controlling. There was also physical abuse. 0:02:57.990 --> 0:02:59.790 These are the things that you need to look out 0:02:59.790 --> 0:03:02.519 for in order to I don't know how to prevent 0:03:02.520 --> 0:03:03.049 yourself from 0:03:03.100 --> 0:03:07.570 a lot of people don't realize they're in like Exactly relationships. 0:03:07.570 --> 0:03:08.540 And that's the problem. It's 0:03:08.540 --> 0:03:10.710 true. It's true? And it's funny because I feel like 0:03:10.710 --> 0:03:12.750 I only realized it 0:03:12.940 --> 0:03:15.919 years after I wouldn't even say like right after it 0:03:15.919 --> 0:03:18.109 took me a while of like, you know, having to 0:03:18.120 --> 0:03:20.040 really sit down and think about the things that did 0:03:20.040 --> 0:03:23.679 happen and process them and then really like look inward 0:03:23.680 --> 0:03:24.360 to realize 0:03:24.540 --> 0:03:26.410 actually, you know what, I was kind of messed up. 0:03:26.419 --> 0:03:29.200 Like I didn't even see it like someone else had 0:03:29.200 --> 0:03:32.050 to be like, hang on a second, that's not right. 0:03:32.050 --> 0:03:34.459 Have a look at that again because you know, it's 0:03:34.460 --> 0:03:37.770 not okay. So on that note, experts have actually defined 0:03:37.780 --> 0:03:41.520 toxic relationships as any relationship between people who don't support 0:03:41.520 --> 0:03:42.260 each other 0:03:42.340 --> 0:03:45.500 where there is conflict and people are undermining each other 0:03:45.500 --> 0:03:51.150 as well. There's perhaps competition, disrespect, you know, lack of cohesiveness, understanding. 0:03:51.150 --> 0:03:53.880 I think that's kind of all that you have mentioned 0:03:53.890 --> 0:03:56.880 earlier on as well. But you know, on the flip side, 0:03:56.880 --> 0:03:59.200 I guess I want to know also how you got 0:03:59.210 --> 0:04:00.960 out of that situation. 0:04:01.040 --> 0:04:03.470 It's not so much. When did I realized that this 0:04:03.470 --> 0:04:05.660 was a bad situation? I think I realized it pretty 0:04:05.660 --> 0:04:07.770 early on. Like I was like, yeah, this is bad. 0:04:07.770 --> 0:04:10.140 Like obviously if somebody's hitting you, that's not a good thing, right? 0:04:10.140 --> 0:04:11.660 You don't want to be in a relationship like that. 0:04:11.940 --> 0:04:15.430 It was more of how do I get out? That 0:04:15.430 --> 0:04:18.110 was what I was struggling with, right? I saw this 0:04:18.110 --> 0:04:22.550 interview that F. K twigs did, right? And so there's 0:04:22.550 --> 0:04:25.760 always the question, oh if you're in an abusive relationship, 0:04:26.240 --> 0:04:29.430 why didn't you just leave? Right? And so not to 0:04:29.440 --> 0:04:33.320 give any sort of explanation for why I didn't leave. 0:04:33.330 --> 0:04:37.380 But I think a good um context to help everyone 0:04:37.380 --> 0:04:43.160 understand is that abusers tend to cut off any close 0:04:43.160 --> 0:04:45.650 relationships that a person would have. 0:04:45.740 --> 0:04:47.780 So any close friends 0:04:47.940 --> 0:04:50.609 which ended up happening at the time, like my close 0:04:50.610 --> 0:04:52.600 friends at the time, I ended up being cut off 0:04:52.600 --> 0:04:55.580 from my family wasn't in the country like my mom 0:04:55.580 --> 0:04:58.730 and my sister. So having they were far away, like 0:04:58.730 --> 0:05:01.930 I felt like I wasn't really isolated. It kind of 0:05:01.930 --> 0:05:04.650 felt like that I was living in his house. So again, 0:05:04.650 --> 0:05:06.680 you know, not my own space and I didn't feel 0:05:06.680 --> 0:05:10.460 comfortable with all of these layers of things 0:05:10.540 --> 0:05:13.730 to get out is not that easy. You know, they're 0:05:13.730 --> 0:05:16.770 like so many different things to unpack. And so for me, 0:05:16.770 --> 0:05:19.140 I always knew at some point it was going to happen. 0:05:19.140 --> 0:05:22.970 I just didn't know when I tried many times before, 0:05:22.970 --> 0:05:24.660 which is also something that I read about that a 0:05:24.660 --> 0:05:29.529 lot of survivors of toxic relationships go through. They try 0:05:29.529 --> 0:05:32.260 multiple times before they can actually get out. 0:05:32.339 --> 0:05:35.320 I wouldn't say that this was the full reason why 0:05:35.320 --> 0:05:38.760 I left. But what did help was the fact that 0:05:38.760 --> 0:05:43.620 I met lou and I felt extremely supported and safe 0:05:43.630 --> 0:05:47.740 and safe? Yeah, I felt really safe and he at 0:05:47.740 --> 0:05:50.130 the time had no idea what was going on because 0:05:50.130 --> 0:05:52.800 I still wasn't talking about it to anybody. I didn't 0:05:52.800 --> 0:05:54.830 want to because I didn't want people to look at 0:05:54.830 --> 0:05:56.159 me in a weird way, 0:05:56.240 --> 0:05:58.070 so I wasn't telling him what was going on, but 0:05:58.070 --> 0:06:01.120 just him being around us, talking me getting to know 0:06:01.120 --> 0:06:03.320 him a little bit better. I felt extremely safe and 0:06:03.320 --> 0:06:05.750 I've always felt that way since day one and I 0:06:05.750 --> 0:06:11.320 still do now guys is like, okay, I suppose something 0:06:11.320 --> 0:06:13.779 now before I ask you the next question, So I 0:06:13.779 --> 0:06:15.560 had an ex boyfriend quite 0:06:15.839 --> 0:06:17.940 early on, I think like I was still quite young 0:06:17.940 --> 0:06:20.900 before I even started doing this. Um it was it 0:06:20.900 --> 0:06:23.040 was really nice, like I was totally in love with him, 0:06:23.040 --> 0:06:24.659 everything we met at a club door, 0:06:24.740 --> 0:06:28.460 Like, as I usually do leave people in clubs um 0:06:28.470 --> 0:06:31.480 and it seemed great, you know, like for a while 0:06:31.490 --> 0:06:34.530 I was over at his place so much, but things 0:06:34.529 --> 0:06:36.710 started to show like the cracks started to show when 0:06:36.710 --> 0:06:40.550 he was constantly like checking my phone firstly. I I 0:06:40.560 --> 0:06:43.930 hate that, like, even though I may not even have 0:06:43.930 --> 0:06:45.979 anything to hide, you still feel the need to check 0:06:45.980 --> 0:06:48.260 my phone firstly secondly, 0:06:48.339 --> 0:06:51.409 he would get super crazy and insecure when I don't 0:06:51.410 --> 0:06:54.950 for example reply a message fast enough girl, I know 0:06:54.950 --> 0:06:58.300 all of these. I no, no, no, this is before 0:06:58.310 --> 0:07:01.750 this was way before I was doing school school school. Yeah. 0:07:01.760 --> 0:07:04.450 And then this was the deal breaker. Okay 0:07:04.839 --> 0:07:08.630 one night um I didn't respond because I don't know 0:07:08.630 --> 0:07:11.220 I was out with friends or my phone is on silent. 0:07:11.220 --> 0:07:13.540 I can't remember. I saw like a ton of missed 0:07:13.540 --> 0:07:15.760 calls from him. He shows up at my house and 0:07:15.760 --> 0:07:18.840 back then I was living with my parents, he shows 0:07:18.840 --> 0:07:23.360 up there and he beats himself up in the stairwell. 0:07:23.370 --> 0:07:25.520 I've heard another story like this, what is wrong with you? 0:07:25.530 --> 0:07:25.840 I 0:07:25.850 --> 0:07:28.790 don't know. Like and my dad was like, my dad 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:29.560 was just a 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:34.140 boy, can you stop doing that? I'd be like, it 0:07:34.140 --> 0:07:38.300 was like, can you get it together? I can't imagine 0:07:38.300 --> 0:07:39.910 papa chew. 0:07:39.920 --> 0:07:40.340 He 0:07:40.340 --> 0:07:43.360 was with the straightest face like 0:07:43.440 --> 0:07:45.720 get it together and he didn't even know the context 0:07:45.720 --> 0:07:47.260 what was going on. He had to have a sit 0:07:47.260 --> 0:07:49.670 down with him and ask him like what happened when 0:07:49.670 --> 0:07:52.500 he found out it was because I didn't reply some text, 0:07:53.750 --> 0:07:54.500 you 0:07:54.500 --> 0:07:54.960 know? But 0:07:55.040 --> 0:07:57.210 also I felt for him because 0:07:57.220 --> 0:07:59.200 I don't want a boyfriend 0:07:59.200 --> 0:08:01.010 with them boyfriend because 0:08:01.640 --> 0:08:03.250 uh huh 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:06.950 I also feel like my dad, I feel is 0:08:06.950 --> 0:08:09.550 like him just walking out and like short and like 0:08:09.780 --> 0:08:12.850 I mean just like, like eating dinner and it was 0:08:12.850 --> 0:08:15.320 like this little waste man is there like 0:08:15.330 --> 0:08:18.960 there's no ankle I know you're going to say that 0:08:18.970 --> 0:08:23.150 to say like himself, you know I mean, I was 0:08:23.150 --> 0:08:25.520 so young back then. I felt so bad for this 0:08:25.520 --> 0:08:26.780 guy was like, oh my God, this guy is beating 0:08:26.780 --> 0:08:29.690 himself up. You know, like beating himself up like this, 0:08:29.690 --> 0:08:32.100 can you beat yourself up with your own fists? I mean, 0:08:32.100 --> 0:08:35.089 I don't know, maybe he was going through something, you know, 0:08:35.100 --> 0:08:38.329 I can't I can't speak for him because we know 0:08:38.330 --> 0:08:40.350 that there's so many levels of um 0:08:40.740 --> 0:08:43.260 mental well being that we also have to address and 0:08:43.260 --> 0:08:45.800 I can't explain why he did that or what he 0:08:45.800 --> 0:08:47.709 was going through at the time, but that was his 0:08:47.710 --> 0:08:50.559 way of acting out to me, not responding or you know, 0:08:50.559 --> 0:08:52.760 the possessiveness and insecurity and 0:08:52.940 --> 0:08:55.640 it just got too much I think at that point 0:08:55.640 --> 0:08:58.280 in time and there and then my parents were like, 0:08:58.290 --> 0:08:59.209 we need to talk 0:08:59.210 --> 0:09:01.710 to you. But, you know, there's another form of manipulation though, 0:09:01.730 --> 0:09:04.189 because it's like, no, it's making you feel guilty because 0:09:04.970 --> 0:09:07.429 I went through the same thing. Yes. That's why I'm like, 0:09:07.429 --> 0:09:08.340 this story is mad. 0:09:08.440 --> 0:09:11.550 So, I felt like it was my fault that he 0:09:11.550 --> 0:09:15.420 was beating himself up. Exactly, manipulation. Exactly. I was I 0:09:15.420 --> 0:09:19.000 was like, maybe 18. I had no like, freaking idea 0:09:19.000 --> 0:09:20.470 what was going on. I was like, this must have 0:09:20.480 --> 0:09:21.260 been my fault. 0:09:21.340 --> 0:09:23.939 Yeah. But, you know, we moved on from there. Like, 0:09:23.940 --> 0:09:26.540 we broke up shortly after So thankfully at the time. 0:09:26.540 --> 0:09:26.860 I mean, 0:09:27.040 --> 0:09:28.689 I have very supportive 0:09:28.700 --> 0:09:30.490 parents. Yeah, I was gonna say, did you break up 0:09:30.500 --> 0:09:32.080 because you had the support from your mom and dad. 0:09:32.090 --> 0:09:35.530 Yeah. So to give them credit, they didn't yell at 0:09:35.530 --> 0:09:38.679 me or say like, what kind of choices are you making? Like, seriously? 0:09:38.690 --> 0:09:41.350 But they knew that they had to let me learn 0:09:41.360 --> 0:09:43.559 and I feel okay, this is a 0:09:43.640 --> 0:09:46.330 a personal message to my parents or public message. I'm 0:09:46.330 --> 0:09:50.660 sorry for putting you through so many ex boyfriends. 0:09:50.940 --> 0:09:52.540 Yeah, 0:09:52.800 --> 0:09:53.459 that 0:09:53.460 --> 0:09:56.480 is a scary guy. Okay. Like my friends back in 0:09:56.480 --> 0:09:58.440 school used to not there to send you home because 0:09:58.440 --> 0:10:00.290 you're like, your dad must be waiting at the door 0:10:00.300 --> 0:10:03.429 like that so that, you know, sort of sideways into 0:10:03.429 --> 0:10:07.750 the next question, which is about insecurities Yeah. Relationship. What 0:10:07.750 --> 0:10:10.350 do you think causes that kind of insecurity 0:10:10.640 --> 0:10:12.850 in a partner? Where do 0:10:12.850 --> 0:10:14.900 you think that you can go? I think you could 0:10:14.900 --> 0:10:15.760 break that down like 0:10:15.840 --> 0:10:18.740 so much. Whether it be like their upbringing where they've 0:10:18.740 --> 0:10:21.329 got hugged enough as a kid, whether they got praised 0:10:21.330 --> 0:10:22.320 enough as a kid, 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:23.250 there's so many, 0:10:23.260 --> 0:10:25.960 it's too deep. It's way too deep to be working 0:10:25.960 --> 0:10:29.210 out like why they're narcissist? I don't know. Maybe people 0:10:29.210 --> 0:10:30.240 just want to be controlling. 0:10:30.250 --> 0:10:34.230 Have you ever been guilty of checking your partner's phone before? 0:10:34.240 --> 0:10:35.440 I 0:10:35.450 --> 0:10:38.130 don't like to do it because I always go if 0:10:38.130 --> 0:10:40.840 you're going to go look for something, you're gonna find 0:10:40.840 --> 0:10:43.270 something and it could be, but at the same time, 0:10:43.270 --> 0:10:44.900 I'm like, you don't wanna do that to yourself because 0:10:44.900 --> 0:10:47.840 you hurt yourself jimmy, just trust your partner enough to 0:10:47.840 --> 0:10:48.840 be like, no, I don't look 0:10:48.850 --> 0:10:51.630 okay, hold on. But what if I am guilty? I've 0:10:51.630 --> 0:10:55.420 checked my partner's not jeremy. Yeah. 0:10:55.420 --> 0:10:57.280 When you're a kid, right? When you're like teenagers, 0:10:57.500 --> 0:11:00.870 you know, I have checked my partner's phone before, but 0:11:00.880 --> 0:11:02.720 I had a reason, I had a feeling and you know, 0:11:02.720 --> 0:11:04.650 I had a gut feeling and I did find something 0:11:05.040 --> 0:11:07.410 that was pretty disastrous at the end of the day. 0:11:07.420 --> 0:11:09.809 So I don't know whether, you know if you're you 0:11:09.809 --> 0:11:12.510 give your partner a reason to feel insecure or guilty. 0:11:12.510 --> 0:11:15.580 Like where does this begin? Like is it because I 0:11:15.580 --> 0:11:18.610 made my partners feel insecure. That's why he checked my phone. 0:11:18.620 --> 0:11:19.470 You know what I mean? 0:11:19.480 --> 0:11:21.610 There's a theory like everyone is self destructive in some 0:11:21.610 --> 0:11:22.760 way where like 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:25.200 you've got a good thing going on and you're happy 0:11:25.200 --> 0:11:26.650 in this little bubble that you form 0:11:26.840 --> 0:11:28.880 that you're almost like it's too good to be true. 0:11:28.880 --> 0:11:31.640 So you go looking for something or like you find 0:11:31.640 --> 0:11:32.260 out like 0:11:32.740 --> 0:11:34.940 little things annoy you whether he may not pick up 0:11:34.940 --> 0:11:37.010 the laundry or he may not do the dishes or 0:11:37.010 --> 0:11:39.840 like like as simple as those little tiny tasks could 0:11:39.840 --> 0:11:41.870 be one of those things that like snowballs you two 0:11:41.870 --> 0:11:45.710 having a reaction. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. It's just 0:11:47.230 --> 0:11:49.150 like either you have a reason to like you have 0:11:49.150 --> 0:11:51.130 a gut feeling or you're like it's too good to 0:11:51.130 --> 0:11:52.260 be true. I can't, I 0:11:52.340 --> 0:11:56.500 there must be something that's why it's hard. But I 0:11:56.500 --> 0:12:01.070 think from what I've experienced, the insecurity comes from the person, 0:12:01.080 --> 0:12:04.670 not what the partner is doing in the relationship. The 0:12:04.670 --> 0:12:06.860 insecurity is not what you've done 0:12:07.440 --> 0:12:10.900 to the partner, but majority of it comes from the 0:12:10.900 --> 0:12:14.530 partner itself. I think that's what it stems from. And 0:12:14.530 --> 0:12:17.880 then the actions after that pile up on top of it, right? 0:12:17.890 --> 0:12:21.650 They must have had a bad experience. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. 0:12:21.660 --> 0:12:23.690 It's never in the future. 0:12:23.700 --> 0:12:27.340 So let's say you guys have a suspicion on each 0:12:27.340 --> 0:12:30.120 other on something or like you're unhappy about something. You 0:12:30.120 --> 0:12:31.349 would first talk about it, right? 0:12:31.440 --> 0:12:33.920 You guys have this open relationship 0:12:33.929 --> 0:12:37.939 like communications, right? You don't talk in, your relationship is 0:12:37.940 --> 0:12:38.500 never gonna work. 0:12:38.510 --> 0:12:41.570 Who is more of the person that raises things up 0:12:41.580 --> 0:12:44.360 and confronts the other? Or is it even? 0:12:44.370 --> 0:12:47.060 It's hard, right? Because tabs are stubborn and I'm stubborn. 0:12:47.340 --> 0:12:50.110 No, like swear spread out, spread out. I think my 0:12:50.110 --> 0:12:52.320 most toxic traces, I just shut off and ignore people. 0:12:52.330 --> 0:12:54.800 Whereas like, so me and towers, if we have an argument, 0:12:54.809 --> 0:12:56.890 we'll do the standard thing just ignoring each other for 0:12:56.890 --> 0:12:59.980 a little bit and then we like someone will do 0:12:59.980 --> 0:13:02.209 something stupid and then we'll just talk about it. I 0:13:02.210 --> 0:13:03.710 think it after. Yeah. 0:13:03.720 --> 0:13:05.760 I think you ignore me 0:13:06.240 --> 0:13:09.929 to be, I'll show you I'll ignore you, but my 0:13:09.929 --> 0:13:13.479 style of handling um stuff is to take a moment 0:13:13.480 --> 0:13:16.120 to just not speak because if I speak straight off 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:18.360 the bat, I'm going to say something I regret. 0:13:18.740 --> 0:13:22.470 That's so I always speak, Don't speak and I wait 0:13:22.480 --> 0:13:24.929 until I'm a little bit more calm and then I'm 0:13:24.929 --> 0:13:27.030 like okay, then I will speak, but I think he 0:13:27.030 --> 0:13:29.540 takes it as a she's not talking to me, I'm 0:13:29.540 --> 0:13:30.559 not gonna talk to her. 0:13:30.640 --> 0:13:33.439 Yeah, it's terrible. It's terrible. It's very mature, very mature 0:13:33.440 --> 0:13:34.819 and I know that it's very mature 0:13:34.830 --> 0:13:37.340 and I think certain traits like this come with age 0:13:37.340 --> 0:13:39.640 and experience and maturity as well. Like I used to 0:13:39.640 --> 0:13:42.280 be super fiery back then in my relationships. I'm like, 0:13:42.290 --> 0:13:43.270 I'm right. 0:13:43.280 --> 0:13:46.550 I'm right. I think that's a defense mechanism. You're defending yourself, right? 0:13:46.550 --> 0:13:49.079 Like you would be fired because you're like, well I'm 0:13:49.080 --> 0:13:50.930 not going to be attacked. I'm gonna defend myself by 0:13:50.929 --> 0:13:53.870 attacking back. Yeah. My defenses just 0:13:54.200 --> 0:13:56.510 hindsight. When you look back at it, you're like, maybe 0:13:56.510 --> 0:13:58.150 I should have just calm down a little 0:13:58.340 --> 0:14:01.439 before, you know, like going all out and you like 0:14:01.440 --> 0:14:05.460 you just learn these things with time, right? Exactly. With experience. 0:14:05.470 --> 0:14:08.910 So types in a previous interview with vogue, Nice feature 0:14:08.910 --> 0:14:10.730 by the way and you work quite a bit with 0:14:10.730 --> 0:14:13.220 them to some nice photos coming out from there. Maybe 0:14:13.220 --> 0:14:16.920 the next one will be with louis modeling debut. Perhaps 0:14:16.920 --> 0:14:20.560 you never know. Um you mentioned that, you know, obviously 0:14:20.560 --> 0:14:23.520 louis helped you confront certain things in your past toxic 0:14:23.530 --> 0:14:27.870 relationship as well. So, tell us more about that and how, 0:14:27.870 --> 0:14:30.160 you know, a couple can work together 0:14:30.540 --> 0:14:32.810 after having a past like that. 0:14:32.820 --> 0:14:35.470 I knew something was up with tabs and then I 0:14:35.470 --> 0:14:37.160 think a couple months down the line, 0:14:37.540 --> 0:14:39.700 we just actually had like a sit down talk about 0:14:39.700 --> 0:14:41.360 it because you were like, and this was in the 0:14:41.360 --> 0:14:43.440 case of like, oh, I asked what was wrong and 0:14:43.440 --> 0:14:45.470 she said nothing. Like I you know, when you can 0:14:45.470 --> 0:14:48.340 just tell you engage something's happened in the 0:14:48.350 --> 0:14:49.790 background that you could tell 0:14:49.790 --> 0:14:51.780 something. I think it was just I think I think 0:14:51.780 --> 0:14:55.960 it's just watching her interact with like said person or 0:14:55.960 --> 0:14:57.060 like seeing her 0:14:57.240 --> 0:15:01.380 behavior change slightly. And I think those are kind of 0:15:01.380 --> 0:15:03.460 like tell was like, you know, I'm not trying to 0:15:03.460 --> 0:15:05.510 say to put you down anyway, but you know, when 0:15:05.510 --> 0:15:07.120 you can tell like, a child has been told off 0:15:07.130 --> 0:15:09.280 by the month, right? Like say in a supermarket, you 0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:10.630 can tell a child being told off by their mom 0:15:10.630 --> 0:15:13.430 and their moods change. I think it's almost like that 0:15:13.430 --> 0:15:16.500 where you get inside yourself or you notice someone get 0:15:16.500 --> 0:15:18.520 inside yourself and you're like, oh, that's not right. 0:15:18.530 --> 0:15:21.240 But what you're talking about, when I would 0:15:21.250 --> 0:15:24.730 have like interactions, you have interactions is what I'm talking about. 0:15:24.740 --> 0:15:28.170 Okay, so because the X was still in the equation, 0:15:28.180 --> 0:15:29.800 it's like crossover in the sense. 0:15:29.810 --> 0:15:33.850 Yeah. And so I guess you must have seen some 0:15:33.880 --> 0:15:38.160 Sense? Something. Yeah, 100%, Just like properly sketchy behavior. 0:15:38.340 --> 0:15:38.660 Was 0:15:38.660 --> 0:15:41.790 it a difficult conversation for you guys to have? The 0:15:41.790 --> 0:15:45.690 conversation in itself is always going to be difficult. But 0:15:45.700 --> 0:15:48.890 I didn't feel like it was hard to tell him 0:15:48.900 --> 0:15:51.370 because of how understanding he is. I think 0:15:51.370 --> 0:15:52.840 it's harder to hear. Open. 0:15:52.850 --> 0:15:53.640 Yeah. 0:15:53.650 --> 0:15:55.130 But so you have a child and you have like 0:15:55.130 --> 0:15:57.180 this X amount of love for that child and then 0:15:57.180 --> 0:16:00.690 you know that the child getting bullied or getting hit 0:16:00.700 --> 0:16:03.250 or like something much worse has happened to the child, 0:16:03.260 --> 0:16:04.860 painful for you to hear. Yeah, it's painful for you 0:16:04.860 --> 0:16:06.450 to hear. But also at the same time you're like 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:09.430 I hate injustice, what can I do? Yeah, I mean 0:16:09.430 --> 0:16:12.070 so I'm like a helpless partners. Like I want to 0:16:12.080 --> 0:16:16.920 like stamp on his face like great, that sounds like 100% right? 0:16:17.050 --> 0:16:19.850 Like I like I want to like but there's like 0:16:19.860 --> 0:16:21.760 initial reaction. You feel 0:16:22.240 --> 0:16:25.690 terrible for the person and then your main focus now 0:16:25.690 --> 0:16:27.580 is on like, okay well how do I help this person? 0:16:27.590 --> 0:16:30.460 You migrate? That energy that you had for like ruining 0:16:30.460 --> 0:16:32.510 someone to like, okay how can I help? The one 0:16:32.510 --> 0:16:33.360 that you love? That 0:16:33.360 --> 0:16:36.210 was my next question. What did you what sort of 0:16:36.210 --> 0:16:39.370 steps did you take or identify to take to help 0:16:39.380 --> 0:16:41.200 to be? Because I think for the benefit of our 0:16:41.210 --> 0:16:43.390 audience as well, I know it sometimes so broad and 0:16:43.390 --> 0:16:45.570 difficult to address a topic like this, 0:16:45.740 --> 0:16:48.350 but if you could, what were some things you did 0:16:48.360 --> 0:16:49.620 to support her? 0:16:49.640 --> 0:16:52.620 I think I think knowing what went on in the 0:16:52.620 --> 0:16:56.230 background previously I tried to the complete opposite in the 0:16:56.230 --> 0:16:58.170 sense of like, I don't think tabs as much control 0:16:58.170 --> 0:17:00.530 of what she was allowed to wear what to do. 0:17:00.540 --> 0:17:01.869 I don't think she had control of her own money. 0:17:01.870 --> 0:17:04.639 For example, even though like we work together now, I 0:17:04.640 --> 0:17:06.169 don't deal with any of that stuff I put on 0:17:06.170 --> 0:17:07.740 a pedestal because I'm like, I want her to be 0:17:07.740 --> 0:17:08.169 the most 0:17:08.240 --> 0:17:11.110 independent like boss as bits that she could be because 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:13.639 she should know how that feels and she is, that 0:17:13.650 --> 0:17:16.340 makes sense. I don't want to feeling small again. And 0:17:16.340 --> 0:17:18.240 I think that's like the hard thing to work out. 0:17:18.250 --> 0:17:22.400 So it starts from the basic actions basically 0:17:23.210 --> 0:17:26.100 we're going to eat like just putting those, giving the 0:17:26.109 --> 0:17:29.560 like the control yeah the choices and let her decide 0:17:29.560 --> 0:17:30.170 to dictate 0:17:30.240 --> 0:17:31.639