1 00:00:00,009 --> 00:00:00,519 Speaker 1: Hi, say so 2 00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:01,789 Speaker 2: 8 to 0. And I'm Jermaine 3 00:00:01,799 --> 00:00:03,920 Speaker 1: and welcome back to Clever hash 4 00:00:03,930 --> 00:00:04,389 Speaker 2: podcast. 5 00:00:05,409 --> 00:00:08,648 Speaker 2: Today's discussion. I can't believe we've never talked about this. 6 00:00:08,810 --> 00:00:12,300 Speaker 2: We know you love when we talk about relationships, but 7 00:00:12,310 --> 00:00:18,209 Speaker 2: we've never really talked about having temptation or desire for 8 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,308 Speaker 2: someone outside of your relationship. 9 00:00:20,579 --> 00:00:23,419 Speaker 1: Ok. We got to be really, really honest in this episode. Ok. 10 00:00:23,430 --> 00:00:29,469 Speaker 1: Girls is temptation normal in a relationship. Yes or no. 321. Yes. 11 00:00:29,790 --> 00:00:30,579 Speaker 2: Yeah. I think it's 12 00:00:30,693 --> 00:00:34,553 Speaker 2: unavoidable. I think temptation is everywhere, everywhere in life. But 13 00:00:34,562 --> 00:00:38,001 Speaker 2: as we'll talk about that later in this episode as well, 14 00:00:38,173 --> 00:00:41,553 Speaker 2: how can you deal with that? What's the best way to, 15 00:00:41,632 --> 00:00:43,592 Speaker 2: I guess, work through that with your partner? 16 00:00:43,603 --> 00:00:43,673 Speaker 1: I 17 00:00:43,682 --> 00:00:46,252 Speaker 1: guess my very first question for all of us here, 18 00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:50,592 Speaker 1: is it ok to find someone else attractive other than 19 00:00:50,603 --> 00:00:51,232 Speaker 1: your partner? 20 00:00:51,303 --> 00:00:52,152 Speaker 2: I see. Right. 21 00:00:52,882 --> 00:00:54,693 Speaker 1: Ok. If you see and act on it as a 22 00:00:54,702 --> 00:00:55,673 Speaker 1: whole different game, 23 00:00:56,066 --> 00:00:59,636 Speaker 2: for example, I see, like, I don't know who I 24 00:00:59,645 --> 00:01:05,184 Speaker 2: say he's attractive, that's also, you know, falling in this category. 25 00:01:05,334 --> 00:01:08,666 Speaker 1: But I think idols are ok. What if it is 26 00:01:08,676 --> 00:01:09,235 Speaker 1: a colleague? 27 00:01:09,334 --> 00:01:13,615 Speaker 2: Ok. You're saying idols are ok because they are unreachable. 28 00:01:14,066 --> 00:01:17,106 Speaker 1: They are like way about anything, even if you wanted 29 00:01:17,115 --> 00:01:19,654 Speaker 1: to correct how you gonna get cha number. You tell 30 00:01:19,666 --> 00:01:19,956 Speaker 1: me he 31 00:01:19,965 --> 00:01:21,166 Speaker 2: came to Singapore at that time. 32 00:01:23,010 --> 00:01:26,559 Speaker 2: Ok. So you're saying when they're within reach and when 33 00:01:26,569 --> 00:01:29,239 Speaker 2: you can actually do something about it, correct? As much 34 00:01:29,250 --> 00:01:33,220 Speaker 2: as I would not like to say. Yes. I think 35 00:01:33,230 --> 00:01:36,699 Speaker 2: that it depends if you're just looking at like physical attractiveness, 36 00:01:36,709 --> 00:01:40,760 Speaker 2: like that person's attractive. Sometimes the thought just crosses your mind. 37 00:01:40,769 --> 00:01:44,899 Speaker 2: I don't think it's anything bad. I don't think it's 38 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:48,580 Speaker 2: human to say that you'll never think of that. Correct. 39 00:01:48,589 --> 00:01:50,589 Speaker 1: My answer is going to be yes. Yes. I think 40 00:01:50,599 --> 00:01:53,319 Speaker 1: it's OK to find someone attractive other than my partner. 41 00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:56,139 Speaker 1: But no, it's not OK to act on it. Of course, 42 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:58,099 Speaker 1: it's not OK to strike up a conversation with this 43 00:01:58,110 --> 00:02:01,120 Speaker 1: person or like constantly text this person because then it 44 00:02:01,129 --> 00:02:02,000 Speaker 1: crosses the line. 45 00:02:02,010 --> 00:02:02,419 Speaker 2: I would 46 00:02:02,430 --> 00:02:04,760 Speaker 2: go as much to say as I don't even think 47 00:02:04,769 --> 00:02:07,129 Speaker 2: it's OK to like their Instagram 48 00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:10,740 Speaker 2: posts. If you find them attractive, unless they are like 49 00:02:10,750 --> 00:02:13,520 Speaker 2: your very close friend, then there's something else wrong there 50 00:02:13,770 --> 00:02:16,490 Speaker 2: that you find your very close friend attractive of the 51 00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:19,309 Speaker 2: opposite gender or the gender that you're interested in. That 52 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,029 Speaker 2: is also a bit. 53 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,789 Speaker 1: So you feel like even liking Instagram posts is crossing 54 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:24,130 Speaker 1: the line, 55 00:02:24,139 --> 00:02:24,179 Speaker 2: I 56 00:02:24,190 --> 00:02:26,639 Speaker 2: think it doesn't send the right message. It's not respectful 57 00:02:26,649 --> 00:02:28,690 Speaker 2: of your partner really? Yeah, like, 58 00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:31,639 Speaker 2: wow, if you girls had an ex fling that you 59 00:02:31,649 --> 00:02:35,160 Speaker 2: still find attractive and you're liking this person's Instagram post 60 00:02:35,169 --> 00:02:37,960 Speaker 2: reacting to their stories while you're in a new relationship. 61 00:02:37,970 --> 00:02:39,960 Speaker 2: I think that disrespecting your partner. 62 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,539 Speaker 1: But this because this person is my ex fling. What 63 00:02:42,550 --> 00:02:45,490 Speaker 1: if this person is someone that I just find generally 64 00:02:45,669 --> 00:02:47,080 Speaker 1: attractive whose 65 00:02:47,089 --> 00:02:50,000 Speaker 2: pictures are Andrew a lot like mine? 66 00:02:52,350 --> 00:02:54,859 Speaker 1: OK. What is today? And you like photos? That's 67 00:02:54,869 --> 00:02:58,660 Speaker 2: fine. My photos, that's fine because you guys are my friends. 68 00:02:58,669 --> 00:02:59,720 Speaker 1: OK. 69 00:02:59,729 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 2: Close 70 00:03:00,729 --> 00:03:04,228 Speaker 2: female friends of his. He doesn't have any. OK. 71 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:06,720 Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. 72 00:03:09,210 --> 00:03:10,029 Speaker 2: My next question is, 73 00:03:10,038 --> 00:03:11,038 Speaker 1: is that possible? 74 00:03:11,050 --> 00:03:16,389 Speaker 2: Really female friends? Yes. Close female friends. No. Ok. Female friends. 75 00:03:16,399 --> 00:03:18,320 Speaker 2: He can like, sure. Ok. 76 00:03:18,330 --> 00:03:19,000 Speaker 1: OK. 77 00:03:19,130 --> 00:03:19,448 Speaker 2: Female 78 00:03:19,529 --> 00:03:21,160 Speaker 2: friend that you don't know about, 79 00:03:27,210 --> 00:03:28,869 Speaker 1: hey, are we putting Andrew in danger? 80 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:30,020 Speaker 2: We 81 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:36,149 Speaker 2: can call you what I doing? OK. I would think 82 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:39,039 Speaker 2: that if you find someone other than your partner attractive, 83 00:03:39,050 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 2: you don't have to go to your partner and say, 84 00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:42,949 Speaker 2: I think this guy is cute. Why would you do that? 85 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:43,910 Speaker 2: I would do that? 86 00:03:44,339 --> 00:03:48,580 Speaker 1: See, we have two different camps here. OK. Explain, explain 87 00:03:48,589 --> 00:03:50,259 Speaker 1: why would you do that? I'll do that. I'll just 88 00:03:50,289 --> 00:03:51,779 Speaker 2: ask you, what do you, 89 00:03:52,759 --> 00:03:54,270 Speaker 2: what do you gain from that? 90 00:03:54,509 --> 00:03:55,190 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 91 00:03:55,199 --> 00:03:58,259 Speaker 1: Honesty. I totally get where, where I was coming from 92 00:03:58,270 --> 00:04:00,990 Speaker 1: in my early twenties. I felt the exact same way. 93 00:04:01,089 --> 00:04:05,190 Speaker 1: Like if I were honest with my partner on many things, 94 00:04:05,350 --> 00:04:09,979 Speaker 1: then I wouldn't make certain mistakes because I am, 95 00:04:10,509 --> 00:04:14,059 Speaker 1: I am open with my thoughts. OK? Reverse psychology. Sometimes 96 00:04:14,070 --> 00:04:15,570 Speaker 1: the more you hide it, the more you want to 97 00:04:15,580 --> 00:04:18,329 Speaker 1: go and do it. This thing that you're hiding example, 98 00:04:18,488 --> 00:04:23,070 Speaker 2: let's say we're together and we're sitting and an attractive 99 00:04:23,079 --> 00:04:26,700 Speaker 2: person walks past doesn't matter gender. Do you think it's 100 00:04:26,709 --> 00:04:28,299 Speaker 2: OK to talk about it? I think there are better 101 00:04:28,309 --> 00:04:29,159 Speaker 2: things to talk about. 102 00:04:31,049 --> 00:04:34,118 Speaker 2: There are truly, how does that, how is that consequential 103 00:04:34,130 --> 00:04:35,109 Speaker 2: to your relationship? 104 00:04:35,119 --> 00:04:37,779 Speaker 1: If I were with a guy today and a hot 105 00:04:37,790 --> 00:04:39,859 Speaker 1: girl walks past, I would say why she's so pretty. 106 00:04:40,510 --> 00:04:42,799 Speaker 1: But if a hot guy walks past, I would remain 107 00:04:42,809 --> 00:04:45,230 Speaker 1: silent because I don't want to put my date in 108 00:04:45,238 --> 00:04:47,850 Speaker 1: an uncomfortable position. Like, what do you mean? He's handsome. 109 00:04:47,859 --> 00:04:50,399 Speaker 1: What about me? If it can't bring good to the relationship, 110 00:04:50,410 --> 00:04:51,899 Speaker 1: then I better shut the fuck up 111 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,320 Speaker 2: saying that a girl is hot, correct? So if you 112 00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:55,829 Speaker 2: say a girl is 113 00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:57,899 Speaker 1: hot, it doesn't Japan. That's why I can say no. 114 00:04:57,910 --> 00:04:58,820 Speaker 2: If he agrees, 115 00:05:03,619 --> 00:05:04,890 Speaker 2: da da, 116 00:05:09,750 --> 00:05:12,730 Speaker 2: like you said like, oh the girl is hot, then 117 00:05:12,738 --> 00:05:14,859 Speaker 2: he looks up. He's like, oh yeah, she's hot and 118 00:05:14,869 --> 00:05:17,320 Speaker 2: he stares at her as she walks past and stares 119 00:05:17,329 --> 00:05:23,440 Speaker 2: at her ass or not. But you OK, everybody take 120 00:05:23,450 --> 00:05:23,980 Speaker 2: a deep breath. 121 00:05:26,549 --> 00:05:29,239 Speaker 2: Clearly. This is a sore topic for a lot of people. 122 00:05:30,209 --> 00:05:32,599 Speaker 2: Do you think then the better way to phrase it 123 00:05:32,609 --> 00:05:35,339 Speaker 2: would be? Do you think she's pretty? Why you want 124 00:05:35,350 --> 00:05:36,238 Speaker 2: to start a fight, 125 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,410 Speaker 1: you opening up a can of worms, like waking 126 00:05:38,420 --> 00:05:41,809 Speaker 2: up wanting to go into war. There's always like the 127 00:05:41,820 --> 00:05:43,618 Speaker 2: guy goes out, then the guy comes home, 128 00:05:44,204 --> 00:05:46,613 Speaker 2: baby. I saw some girl that looks like you. The 129 00:05:46,625 --> 00:05:49,334 Speaker 2: girl says, is she pretty? What's the right answer here? 130 00:05:49,345 --> 00:05:49,665 Speaker 1: You're 131 00:05:49,674 --> 00:05:50,174 Speaker 2: pretty 132 00:05:50,244 --> 00:05:51,924 Speaker 1: this confirm plus 133 00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:52,375 Speaker 1: chop 134 00:05:52,385 --> 00:05:55,625 Speaker 2: but that's the is pretty, but you're pre the right. 135 00:05:56,024 --> 00:05:58,464 Speaker 1: Correct. Correct. Correct. I mean, of course, that girl is 136 00:05:58,475 --> 00:05:59,894 Speaker 1: a lot to be pretty. There's so many pretty girls 137 00:05:59,904 --> 00:06:01,734 Speaker 1: out there. Correct. They can't all be ugly. Right. 138 00:06:04,869 --> 00:06:08,010 Speaker 2: Correct. I also, I'm self aware. I'm not like A 139 00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:08,839 Speaker 2: VS model. 140 00:06:09,059 --> 00:06:12,609 Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we gotta have some self awareness 141 00:06:13,260 --> 00:06:15,190 Speaker 2: out of the three of us. You are the closest 142 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,929 Speaker 2: to A VS model. So I think you can, you 143 00:06:17,940 --> 00:06:20,630 Speaker 2: can own that very much. But come on youtube 144 00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:20,738 Speaker 1: to 145 00:06:20,750 --> 00:06:24,169 Speaker 1: check out a translucent, see two top. 146 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:30,380 Speaker 2: I think temptation as we have now established is gonna 147 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,808 Speaker 2: be all around us. Of course, when you get into 148 00:06:32,820 --> 00:06:36,480 Speaker 2: a relationship, it's there, right? But it's whether or not 149 00:06:36,488 --> 00:06:39,119 Speaker 2: you act on it and I always thought that it 150 00:06:39,130 --> 00:06:41,988 Speaker 2: was about self control like when you're in a relationship 151 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,079 Speaker 2: and let's say like you really attracted to this person, 152 00:06:45,089 --> 00:06:48,420 Speaker 2: but it's controlling yourself not to act on it. But 153 00:06:48,559 --> 00:06:50,768 Speaker 2: I was reading online, I was learning more about it. 154 00:06:50,779 --> 00:06:54,339 Speaker 2: It's actually about self awareness. OK, let's say 155 00:06:54,436 --> 00:06:58,156 Speaker 2: right? I am aware that you're attracted to this person. 156 00:06:58,165 --> 00:07:00,825 Speaker 2: I am attracted to this person. But I'm also aware 157 00:07:00,835 --> 00:07:03,325 Speaker 2: that I want to be honest and loyal with my partner. 158 00:07:03,485 --> 00:07:06,096 Speaker 2: I have integrity. Let's say if I have kids, I, 159 00:07:06,105 --> 00:07:09,925 Speaker 2: I want to be this kind of person for my family. Ok? 160 00:07:09,936 --> 00:07:12,976 Speaker 2: If I'm aware of that, then that won't make me 161 00:07:12,985 --> 00:07:14,656 Speaker 2: act on it because controlling 162 00:07:14,731 --> 00:07:17,391 Speaker 2: it's like taking an ipad away from a kid. But 163 00:07:17,402 --> 00:07:20,592 Speaker 2: the kid always gonna want the ipad. It doesn't stop 164 00:07:20,601 --> 00:07:22,932 Speaker 2: the root of the problem. Self awareness is where it 165 00:07:22,941 --> 00:07:25,462 Speaker 2: has to be. If your self awareness tells you that 166 00:07:25,471 --> 00:07:27,932 Speaker 2: I'm not a man or woman with integrity, I'm ok 167 00:07:27,941 --> 00:07:29,402 Speaker 2: to cheat, then that's on you. 168 00:07:29,562 --> 00:07:30,652 Speaker 1: Agree because 169 00:07:30,661 --> 00:07:30,691 Speaker 2: I 170 00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:32,582 Speaker 2: think at the end of the day when you are 171 00:07:32,592 --> 00:07:37,082 Speaker 2: tempted or when you, I mean, you're gonna see someone attractive, right? 172 00:07:37,092 --> 00:07:38,032 Speaker 2: And you're like, oh, 173 00:07:38,489 --> 00:07:42,769 Speaker 2: I think what holds you back is, is your moral compass, correct? 174 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,989 Speaker 1: In fact, in a recent study, nearly three quarters of 175 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:50,630 Speaker 1: women admitted to experiencing attraction towards someone other than a partner. 176 00:07:50,839 --> 00:07:54,040 Speaker 1: And most reported that these crushes didn't affect their primary 177 00:07:54,049 --> 00:07:58,209 Speaker 1: relationship and the majority did not discuss these attractions with 178 00:07:58,220 --> 00:08:00,390 Speaker 1: their partners because it ultimately feels wrong. 179 00:08:00,739 --> 00:08:02,500 Speaker 1: So that's what we're talking about. Like you feel it 180 00:08:02,510 --> 00:08:04,380 Speaker 1: but you keep it to yourself, you work on it 181 00:08:04,390 --> 00:08:07,029 Speaker 1: like you don't act on it. Question, 182 00:08:07,190 --> 00:08:08,040 Speaker 2: see 183 00:08:08,049 --> 00:08:09,660 Speaker 2: and feel is different or 184 00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:10,739 Speaker 2: different. 185 00:08:10,820 --> 00:08:12,630 Speaker 1: You see and you feel different, sees, I see that, 186 00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:14,420 Speaker 1: that feels, I feel you. 187 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:15,880 Speaker 2: No, no, not, not 188 00:08:16,190 --> 00:08:18,399 Speaker 1: you, you, you in your heart. 189 00:08:20,549 --> 00:08:23,380 Speaker 1: I believe the first step is always seeing the feeling 190 00:08:23,390 --> 00:08:26,130 Speaker 1: comes after and if the feeling comes, it might be 191 00:08:26,140 --> 00:08:27,359 Speaker 1: because you acted, feeling 192 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,440 Speaker 2: emotionally cheating. 193 00:08:29,489 --> 00:08:29,690 Speaker 1: You 194 00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:30,880 Speaker 1: think so? I think so. 195 00:08:30,890 --> 00:08:31,269 Speaker 2: You think 196 00:08:31,279 --> 00:08:35,400 Speaker 1: so? You know, this licensed professional therapist? His name is Jeff. 197 00:08:35,669 --> 00:08:39,989 Speaker 2: My name is Jeff. Sorry, sorry, sorry, intrusive thoughts. 198 00:08:41,219 --> 00:08:41,539 Speaker 1: He 199 00:08:41,549 --> 00:08:45,569 Speaker 1: basically caught Tik Tok's attention because he said it's actually 200 00:08:45,580 --> 00:08:48,979 Speaker 1: completely fine to be attracted to someone else. When you're 201 00:08:48,989 --> 00:08:50,369 Speaker 1: in a committed relationship. 202 00:08:50,919 --> 00:08:54,348 Speaker 1: I gotta say I agree with this. We can't stop 203 00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:57,729 Speaker 1: ourselves from being attracted to someone else. Let's say you 204 00:08:57,739 --> 00:08:59,309 Speaker 1: set up a list of ideas. Like I set out 205 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:00,929 Speaker 1: a list of ideas for my partner. I want my 206 00:09:00,940 --> 00:09:05,049 Speaker 1: partner to be handsome to earn a certain amount of income, 207 00:09:05,059 --> 00:09:08,440 Speaker 1: to be of a certain height, to be good to 208 00:09:08,450 --> 00:09:11,979 Speaker 1: his family, for example. But when a person comes, how 209 00:09:11,989 --> 00:09:14,689 Speaker 1: many points does he actually hit? And there's always gonna 210 00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:16,580 Speaker 1: be someone more handsome, 211 00:09:16,909 --> 00:09:22,598 Speaker 1: more tall with more income, more insert trade here, whatever 212 00:09:22,609 --> 00:09:25,809 Speaker 1: you're looking for, what's gonna happen when that person comes. 213 00:09:25,820 --> 00:09:26,859 Speaker 2: That's why I 214 00:09:26,869 --> 00:09:31,150 Speaker 2: always talk about the 9010. When you have 90% in 215 00:09:31,159 --> 00:09:33,489 Speaker 2: your partner, they're always gonna be missing a 10, 216 00:09:33,909 --> 00:09:36,020 Speaker 2: but you're always going to be searching for that 10 217 00:09:36,030 --> 00:09:38,599 Speaker 2: and then you're gonna find that 10 in someone. But 218 00:09:38,619 --> 00:09:41,359 Speaker 2: that person might just really be that 10. That's it. 219 00:09:41,369 --> 00:09:43,179 Speaker 2: That's all they don't have the money. 220 00:09:43,909 --> 00:09:48,500 Speaker 1: So, I don't think it's worth throwing away what you 221 00:09:48,510 --> 00:09:53,940 Speaker 1: already have for something else that might bring you momentary happiness. Exactly. 222 00:09:53,950 --> 00:09:54,700 Speaker 2: So, here's the 223 00:09:54,710 --> 00:09:58,320 Speaker 2: danger. Right now, you see someone who's attractive. What if 224 00:09:58,330 --> 00:09:59,900 Speaker 2: this attractive person 225 00:10:00,469 --> 00:10:03,119 Speaker 1: flirts with you? Then it's on you. Whether you want 226 00:10:03,130 --> 00:10:04,390 Speaker 1: to react? No, that 227 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,549 Speaker 2: day my boyfriend accused me of flirting with a guy. 228 00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:10,140 Speaker 2: Can you tell me? So this is a guy that 229 00:10:10,150 --> 00:10:13,260 Speaker 2: was interested in me? And I found him attractive when 230 00:10:13,270 --> 00:10:16,380 Speaker 2: I was single but not so singlish. Like is that 231 00:10:16,390 --> 00:10:18,390 Speaker 2: who I think it is? Yes. So ish but not 232 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,459 Speaker 2: so singlish. It was kind of overlapping with the time 233 00:10:20,469 --> 00:10:22,820 Speaker 2: that I started hanging out with my boyfriend. We were 234 00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:25,119 Speaker 2: dating or in a relationship, right? So you can be 235 00:10:25,130 --> 00:10:27,140 Speaker 2: attracted to multiple people at that time, right? 236 00:10:27,869 --> 00:10:30,849 Speaker 2: So I bumped into him the other day and I 237 00:10:30,859 --> 00:10:33,099 Speaker 2: had heard that he had a girlfriend, right? And he 238 00:10:33,109 --> 00:10:35,570 Speaker 2: was with a girl who I thought was his girlfriend. 239 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:38,059 Speaker 2: I was like, no, no. See, is this your girlfriend? 240 00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:40,130 Speaker 2: He was like, no, I'm single. I'm not in a 241 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,440 Speaker 2: relationship and I was like, I don't know, I might 242 00:10:42,450 --> 00:10:46,289 Speaker 2: have heard wrong. Then me in my inebriated state of mind. 243 00:10:46,299 --> 00:10:47,140 Speaker 2: I said, 244 00:10:48,330 --> 00:10:51,039 Speaker 2: what's your type like? Maybe I have a single girlfriend 245 00:10:51,049 --> 00:10:54,250 Speaker 2: that I can introduce you, introduce to you. OK. And 246 00:10:54,260 --> 00:10:56,229 Speaker 2: then he said to me, I can't tell you what 247 00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:59,098 Speaker 2: my type is. I was like, why he's like, because 248 00:10:59,109 --> 00:11:00,210 Speaker 2: you have a boyfriend now. 249 00:11:01,950 --> 00:11:03,348 Speaker 2: So I said this to my boy. I said I 250 00:11:03,359 --> 00:11:03,699 Speaker 2: just told 251 00:11:03,710 --> 00:11:03,799 Speaker 1: my 252 00:11:03,809 --> 00:11:04,179 Speaker 2: boyfriend 253 00:11:04,190 --> 00:11:04,609 Speaker 1: a good pick up 254 00:11:04,619 --> 00:11:05,580 Speaker 1: line though. I think 255 00:11:06,229 --> 00:11:09,690 Speaker 2: I'm picked up already. So I told my boyfriend this 256 00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,260 Speaker 2: and he was like, I think you kind of flirted 257 00:11:11,270 --> 00:11:11,429 Speaker 2: with 258 00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:11,859 Speaker 2: him. 259 00:11:12,030 --> 00:11:13,469 Speaker 1: Why would you tell and do that? 260 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:17,500 Speaker 2: But, but I thought it was, yeah, but ok, because 261 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,348 Speaker 2: I know that this guy used be interested in me 262 00:11:19,359 --> 00:11:19,510 Speaker 2: and I 263 00:11:19,604 --> 00:11:22,344 Speaker 2: was interested in him in the past. I felt that 264 00:11:22,354 --> 00:11:24,964 Speaker 2: this was a conversation. I should just be open and 265 00:11:24,974 --> 00:11:26,525 Speaker 2: honest about because nothing happened 266 00:11:26,534 --> 00:11:29,724 Speaker 1: there. My dad actually told me I wanted to be 267 00:11:29,734 --> 00:11:32,784 Speaker 1: open and honest with him about like all my previous relationships. 268 00:11:32,794 --> 00:11:34,294 Speaker 1: I think I mentioned this to you before. But he 269 00:11:34,304 --> 00:11:37,424 Speaker 1: actually said, if it doesn't help the relationship, don't tell me. 270 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:41,200 Speaker 1: And I was very baffled by what he said because 271 00:11:41,630 --> 00:11:43,209 Speaker 1: in my heart, I was all like, I just want 272 00:11:43,219 --> 00:11:45,229 Speaker 1: to be open and honest with you about my past. 273 00:11:45,239 --> 00:11:47,489 Speaker 1: Why don't you want to hear it? And he asked me, 274 00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,190 Speaker 1: first of all, do you think you will help us 275 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,579 Speaker 1: grow as a couple? And I was like, it, it 276 00:11:52,590 --> 00:11:54,699 Speaker 1: would damage the relationship, that's for sure. But I don't 277 00:11:54,710 --> 00:11:57,189 Speaker 1: know whether you help the relationship. He was like, ok, 278 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:58,830 Speaker 1: then maybe it's better that you don't tell me 279 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,020 Speaker 2: that's a very mature way of thinking. You think so? 280 00:12:01,030 --> 00:12:01,619 Speaker 2: I would want to know 281 00:12:01,630 --> 00:12:04,229 Speaker 1: everything in my heart. I'm dying to tell him, you know, and, 282 00:12:04,570 --> 00:12:04,830 Speaker 1: and 283 00:12:05,820 --> 00:12:07,630 Speaker 2: what is not there. I want to know. 284 00:12:08,409 --> 00:12:14,599 Speaker 1: Yeah. And he always says temptation is everywhere is inevitable. 285 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:18,049 Speaker 1: But you really got to stop yourself before you cross 286 00:12:18,059 --> 00:12:21,909 Speaker 1: that point of no return. Be sending each other one 287 00:12:21,919 --> 00:12:23,559 Speaker 1: text every day or 288 00:12:23,570 --> 00:12:23,739 Speaker 2: up 289 00:12:23,750 --> 00:12:23,830 Speaker 1: to. 290 00:12:24,940 --> 00:12:27,650 Speaker 2: Right. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's the worst possible situation. 291 00:12:27,770 --> 00:12:28,059 Speaker 1: I 292 00:12:28,070 --> 00:12:31,369 Speaker 1: think the little things escalate, they build up even if 293 00:12:31,380 --> 00:12:33,130 Speaker 1: it's one text a day you start looking forward to 294 00:12:33,140 --> 00:12:35,299 Speaker 1: the tax and it takes more and more and more. 295 00:12:35,309 --> 00:12:37,099 Speaker 1: And ultimately, what are you doing with your 296 00:12:37,109 --> 00:12:37,409 Speaker 1: life? 297 00:12:37,419 --> 00:12:39,179 Speaker 2: I don't know if you girls have ever heard of 298 00:12:39,190 --> 00:12:41,010 Speaker 2: this website. 299 00:12:41,349 --> 00:12:43,530 Speaker 2: It's called Ashley Madison. Yes, 300 00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:49,080 Speaker 1: I've heard of it. The website that allows married couples 301 00:12:49,090 --> 00:12:49,280 Speaker 1: to 302 00:12:49,289 --> 00:12:53,710 Speaker 2: cheat to look for affairs. You mean this is like swingers? 303 00:12:53,719 --> 00:12:56,369 Speaker 2: This is like my partner doesn't know that I'm cheating 304 00:12:56,380 --> 00:12:57,228 Speaker 2: on them, 305 00:12:57,239 --> 00:12:59,569 Speaker 1: but it's like Tinder for married people. Exactly. 306 00:12:59,580 --> 00:13:02,280 Speaker 2: Exactly. But this was almost like nine or 10 years 307 00:13:02,289 --> 00:13:06,989 Speaker 2: back now. Basically what Ashley Madison, who is Ashley Medicine, 308 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,270 Speaker 1: the creator of 309 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,849 Speaker 2: this website? I think it's just like a persona that 310 00:13:12,549 --> 00:13:17,359 Speaker 2: so basically what happened was because obviously just not good 311 00:13:17,369 --> 00:13:20,299 Speaker 2: right to have a, like you said, Tinder for married people, 312 00:13:20,309 --> 00:13:24,690 Speaker 2: marriage is still, you know, the sanctity sacred, the sanctity 313 00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:26,380 Speaker 2: of marriage and all that should be respected. 314 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,869 Speaker 2: So, an anonymous hacker group threatened to leak the data 315 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:34,169 Speaker 2: of all these married people do it on the website. 316 00:13:34,179 --> 00:13:36,449 Speaker 2: They did since this happened nine years ago. I'm here 317 00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:39,450 Speaker 2: to tell you that they did and it caused a 318 00:13:39,460 --> 00:13:43,939 Speaker 2: lot of marriages to break up. Imagine you're married 10 years, 319 00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:46,349 Speaker 2: two kids. And you see your husband 320 00:13:46,830 --> 00:13:47,909 Speaker 2: has been on that side 321 00:13:48,070 --> 00:13:48,659 Speaker 1: and this side 322 00:13:48,669 --> 00:13:52,739 Speaker 1: actually prided itself on the security and the privacy of 323 00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:56,219 Speaker 1: all the users, which is why people who are most loaded, 324 00:13:56,229 --> 00:14:00,439 Speaker 1: they have all the resources, power, money. They all went 325 00:14:00,450 --> 00:14:03,200 Speaker 1: to this website in search of an affair thinking that 326 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,119 Speaker 1: they're very protected. 327 00:14:04,130 --> 00:14:04,719 Speaker 2: Have the 328 00:14:04,729 --> 00:14:08,020 Speaker 2: hackers been given a Nobel Peace Prize? 329 00:14:09,309 --> 00:14:11,200 Speaker 2: They should, you should give them one. But I think 330 00:14:11,210 --> 00:14:14,489 Speaker 2: this also begs the question, right? For people that really cheat. 331 00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:16,150 Speaker 2: So blatantly, a lot of them 332 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,869 Speaker 2: said that one of the key reasons was they wanted 333 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,510 Speaker 2: to seek excitement outside of the 334 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:23,549 Speaker 2: marriage. 335 00:14:23,559 --> 00:14:27,140 Speaker 1: I understand that excitement is a important aspect in married 336 00:14:27,219 --> 00:14:32,030 Speaker 1: people's lives. But why can't you seek this excitement between yourselves? 337 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:37,229 Speaker 2: I think the problem is everybody wants excitement and thrill 338 00:14:37,679 --> 00:14:40,739 Speaker 2: is always fun. But at the end of the day, 339 00:14:41,309 --> 00:14:44,070 Speaker 2: isn't it on you to sort of way like which 340 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,140 Speaker 2: one means more to you, 341 00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:48,299 Speaker 1: correct? The opportunity costs a moment of excitement or a 342 00:14:48,309 --> 00:14:50,400 Speaker 1: lifetime of a stable relationship. 343 00:14:50,409 --> 00:14:52,909 Speaker 2: But they think that moment of excitement will never be 344 00:14:52,919 --> 00:14:55,760 Speaker 2: found out. That's why they did it. Which is, yeah, 345 00:14:55,770 --> 00:15:00,119 Speaker 2: it's really fucked up. I don't disagree. Right. But hypothetically 346 00:15:00,130 --> 00:15:05,760 Speaker 2: if everything was going swimmingly in your relationship with your partner, cheat. 347 00:15:06,119 --> 00:15:08,820 Speaker 2: If they are not like psychopathic or something, I think 348 00:15:08,830 --> 00:15:13,659 Speaker 2: even in the best of relationships, it's not exciting all 349 00:15:13,669 --> 00:15:16,539 Speaker 2: the time. You get into a mundane, you get into 350 00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:19,500 Speaker 2: a routine. If you have kids, you might not have 351 00:15:19,510 --> 00:15:21,559 Speaker 2: time for each other in a while. 352 00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:23,580 Speaker 2: And I think thats 353 00:15:23,710 --> 00:15:26,229 Speaker 1: people correct. That's why I think from the get go, 354 00:15:26,239 --> 00:15:28,409 Speaker 1: it is very important for you to find someone close 355 00:15:28,419 --> 00:15:31,479 Speaker 1: to your ideals. If you have a certain list of criteria, 356 00:15:31,530 --> 00:15:34,650 Speaker 1: sure list it out and find someone who fits what 357 00:15:34,659 --> 00:15:38,859 Speaker 1: you're looking for. Because when conflicts come, when quarrels arise, 358 00:15:39,130 --> 00:15:41,659 Speaker 1: you're gonna fall back on why you're in love with 359 00:15:41,669 --> 00:15:43,830 Speaker 1: this person from the very start. 360 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:43,890 Speaker 2: Yeah. 361 00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:46,710 Speaker 2: There's this guy on Tik Tok who says that the 362 00:15:46,719 --> 00:15:47,159 Speaker 2: base 363 00:15:47,575 --> 00:15:50,465 Speaker 2: of true love is friendship. 364 00:15:50,474 --> 00:15:51,445 Speaker 1: I don't deny that 365 00:15:51,544 --> 00:15:52,434 Speaker 2: with 366 00:15:52,445 --> 00:15:57,085 Speaker 2: a strong basis of friendship, you will always like that person. 367 00:15:57,255 --> 00:16:01,525 Speaker 2: I agree. But I've seen situations where the friendship aspect 368 00:16:01,534 --> 00:16:04,784 Speaker 2: is very strong and there's lots of love. After 1020 years, 369 00:16:04,914 --> 00:16:08,635 Speaker 2: you become roommates with a very strong friendship and you 370 00:16:08,645 --> 00:16:11,065 Speaker 2: seek something outside of the marriage to find that love. 371 00:16:11,075 --> 00:16:12,325 Speaker 2: Friendship is not enough 372 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,429 Speaker 2: to keep that love. And I even know of couples 373 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:20,219 Speaker 2: who like online, right on Reddit, they truly 100% believe 374 00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:25,479 Speaker 2: in separate beds separate bathrooms for their whole relationship to 375 00:16:25,489 --> 00:16:27,090 Speaker 2: keep things exciting 376 00:16:27,109 --> 00:16:30,260 Speaker 1: if it's what works for you to keep the attraction 377 00:16:30,349 --> 00:16:33,599 Speaker 1: level high in your relationship. Go for it. I have 378 00:16:34,469 --> 00:16:37,099 Speaker 1: a girlfriend, you know, she's very open with me about 379 00:16:37,109 --> 00:16:39,989 Speaker 1: her sex life and she had told me that she 380 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,250 Speaker 1: and her boyfriend, they do a lot of role play. 381 00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:44,590 Speaker 1: I can never, I'm sorry, why? 382 00:16:46,349 --> 00:16:49,640 Speaker 1: Ok. II, I don't think I can accept it too, 383 00:16:49,650 --> 00:16:52,070 Speaker 1: but she tells me it really, really makes a difference 384 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,640 Speaker 1: to their sex life. She feels like that really spices 385 00:16:54,650 --> 00:16:59,570 Speaker 1: up the sexual intensity and I, after so long of 386 00:16:59,580 --> 00:17:02,340 Speaker 1: being together, they still look forward to going home together 387 00:17:02,349 --> 00:17:05,959 Speaker 1: and spending like an intimate night in. That's really cute though. 388 00:17:05,969 --> 00:17:06,270 Speaker 2: I think 389 00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:09,089 Speaker 1: that, yeah. And if that's what it takes for you 390 00:17:09,099 --> 00:17:12,420 Speaker 1: to keep the attraction level high in your relationship, why not? 391 00:17:12,510 --> 00:17:14,770 Speaker 2: I think that's one of the biggest things my therapist 392 00:17:14,780 --> 00:17:16,810 Speaker 2: actually told me that a lot of the couple, she 393 00:17:16,819 --> 00:17:19,109 Speaker 2: sees the reason why they fall out of love is 394 00:17:19,119 --> 00:17:21,560 Speaker 2: because they haven't had sex in like 56 years. 395 00:17:21,569 --> 00:17:25,959 Speaker 1: Sex is so important in a relationship. Yes. 56 months, 396 00:17:25,969 --> 00:17:27,489 Speaker 1: I would say it is a red flag. Of course, 397 00:17:27,670 --> 00:17:29,400 Speaker 1: 56 weeks is a bit like 398 00:17:29,410 --> 00:17:34,130 Speaker 2: 56 weeks. I mean, it depends, situation, situation, situation. But 399 00:17:34,540 --> 00:17:36,410 Speaker 2: she says that that's really one of the biggest things. 400 00:17:36,420 --> 00:17:39,688 Speaker 2: They lose intimacy. They don't know how to be intimate 401 00:17:39,699 --> 00:17:41,540 Speaker 2: with each other anymore. Like, you know, 402 00:17:42,439 --> 00:17:46,339 Speaker 2: share that good night kiss, hold hands down to having sex. 403 00:17:46,349 --> 00:17:46,500 Speaker 2: You 404 00:17:46,510 --> 00:17:49,459 Speaker 1: just become very close roommate sleeping on the same bed. 405 00:17:50,310 --> 00:17:52,790 Speaker 2: I truly would never wish that on anyone. But I 406 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,290 Speaker 2: know it's something that a lot of people go 407 00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:54,619 Speaker 2: through. 408 00:17:54,630 --> 00:17:57,208 Speaker 1: But if some people are ok with the idea of 409 00:17:57,219 --> 00:18:00,859 Speaker 1: not having sex, they are just together for the emotional support. 410 00:18:00,869 --> 00:18:02,780 Speaker 1: I respect that as well. There are people out there 411 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:03,219 Speaker 1: like that. 412 00:18:03,229 --> 00:18:03,339 Speaker 2: I 413 00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:05,419 Speaker 2: always think, right? How, 414 00:18:05,839 --> 00:18:07,729 Speaker 2: what's the oldest you can be to have sex? Like I, 415 00:18:08,060 --> 00:18:11,520 Speaker 2: you know, look at like 7080 year old. Are they 416 00:18:11,530 --> 00:18:14,179 Speaker 2: still having sex? My friend just told me his dad 417 00:18:14,189 --> 00:18:16,218 Speaker 2: is 80. He walked into the kitchen the other day, 418 00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:18,290 Speaker 2: he saw his dad squeezing his mum's ass. 419 00:18:20,069 --> 00:18:21,420 Speaker 2: That's kind of, it's kind of 420 00:18:21,739 --> 00:18:24,300 Speaker 1: you. But I remember we did this episode where we 421 00:18:24,310 --> 00:18:27,310 Speaker 1: talked about libido and I think the doctor was sharing 422 00:18:27,319 --> 00:18:31,399 Speaker 1: with us at a certain age. Women just stop craving 423 00:18:31,410 --> 00:18:32,520 Speaker 1: for sex. It's just, 424 00:18:32,530 --> 00:18:33,718 Speaker 2: just drive a change. 425 00:18:33,729 --> 00:18:35,599 Speaker 2: It just sh up. 426 00:18:35,609 --> 00:18:37,560 Speaker 1: So what age is too old to have 427 00:18:37,569 --> 00:18:38,170 Speaker 1: sex? 428 00:18:38,319 --> 00:18:41,180 Speaker 2: I don't know. I think, you know, like let's say 429 00:18:41,189 --> 00:18:44,540 Speaker 2: in your sixties or seventies like whoever, let's say you're 430 00:18:44,550 --> 00:18:47,660 Speaker 2: with now, right? In 30 years from now, sixties, seventies 431 00:18:47,979 --> 00:18:50,589 Speaker 2: that love is gonna change. Like it's not gonna be 432 00:18:50,599 --> 00:18:52,780 Speaker 2: exactly the same. It's not always gonna be hot and 433 00:18:52,790 --> 00:18:55,958 Speaker 2: heavy passionate. Hopefully there will still be intimacy in the 434 00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:59,020 Speaker 2: way that is acceptable to you. But it's not gonna 435 00:18:59,030 --> 00:19:01,469 Speaker 2: be like young love. Right? 30 year old man and 436 00:19:01,479 --> 00:19:05,270 Speaker 2: a 60 year old man. Quite different. Yeah, fellas are 437 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,930 Speaker 2: gonna pound on you every time. Right. 438 00:19:08,449 --> 00:19:09,949 Speaker 1: 30 years from now. Do you think he will still 439 00:19:09,959 --> 00:19:10,988 Speaker 1: love your partner? The same? 440 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:12,260 Speaker 2: I don't know. 441 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,109 Speaker 2: I don't know. Truly nothing in life is guaranteed. 442 00:19:15,579 --> 00:19:19,629 Speaker 1: That's my biggest fear. Like, what if five years, 10 years, 443 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:23,380 Speaker 1: 1520 30 years down the road, he doesn't love me 444 00:19:23,390 --> 00:19:26,020 Speaker 1: for me anymore because we fall in love with each 445 00:19:26,030 --> 00:19:27,760 Speaker 1: other at this point of our lives, right? Where we 446 00:19:27,770 --> 00:19:29,109 Speaker 1: are a certain kind of person. 447 00:19:29,430 --> 00:19:32,739 Speaker 1: But as time passes, we develop with different kind of people. 448 00:19:32,869 --> 00:19:35,239 Speaker 1: And what if 10 years on the road, these two 449 00:19:35,250 --> 00:19:37,889 Speaker 1: people that we have developed into are just not that 450 00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:38,369 Speaker 1: into each other 451 00:19:38,380 --> 00:19:38,810 Speaker 1: anymore? 452 00:19:38,819 --> 00:19:41,219 Speaker 2: I actually think what that means is that over the 453 00:19:41,229 --> 00:19:44,719 Speaker 2: last 10 years, you guys have been growing apart because 454 00:19:44,729 --> 00:19:47,469 Speaker 2: if you're truly growing together on the same plane, you'll 455 00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:51,140 Speaker 2: keep loving this person year after year after year of 456 00:19:51,150 --> 00:19:54,649 Speaker 2: whoever they are. I know that people change over the years, right? 457 00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:57,389 Speaker 2: The relationship that you're in now and in like 20 years, 458 00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:58,329 Speaker 2: it's gonna look different. 459 00:19:58,630 --> 00:20:00,839 Speaker 2: But do you think that if you're in love with 460 00:20:00,849 --> 00:20:05,899 Speaker 2: the core of the person that whatever shape they change 461 00:20:05,910 --> 00:20:08,319 Speaker 2: and do you will still love the person because the 462 00:20:08,329 --> 00:20:09,510 Speaker 2: core doesn't change 463 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:09,579 Speaker 1: I 464 00:20:09,589 --> 00:20:12,170 Speaker 1: beg to differ. I used to date a guy when 465 00:20:12,180 --> 00:20:15,189 Speaker 1: we just started to get together, we were on the 466 00:20:15,199 --> 00:20:18,270 Speaker 1: same plane. Then we embarked on our own journeys, right? 467 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,589 Speaker 1: Like he did his staff, he has his own company 468 00:20:20,599 --> 00:20:24,329 Speaker 1: and then I did my radio things and after 2.5 469 00:20:24,454 --> 00:20:27,435 Speaker 1: years, I felt like we were two completely different people. 470 00:20:27,444 --> 00:20:30,073 Speaker 1: He invested a lot of his time and energy on 471 00:20:30,084 --> 00:20:32,905 Speaker 1: his career. And so did I, so maybe like what 472 00:20:32,915 --> 00:20:36,395 Speaker 1: Jimmy mentioned, we were growing apart, but we always communicate 473 00:20:36,405 --> 00:20:38,175 Speaker 1: with each other at the end of the day. So 474 00:20:38,185 --> 00:20:40,145 Speaker 1: what does that mean? Do we just stop falling in 475 00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:42,785 Speaker 1: love with each other? Because we are just two different 476 00:20:42,795 --> 00:20:43,354 Speaker 1: people now, 477 00:20:43,385 --> 00:20:44,944 Speaker 2: you grew apart from each other. 478 00:20:46,170 --> 00:20:48,310 Speaker 2: That happens a lot, especially when you're younger. 479 00:20:48,579 --> 00:20:48,829 Speaker 1: Yeah, 480 00:20:48,839 --> 00:20:51,369 Speaker 2: because there's so much changing in your lives. So because 481 00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:54,979 Speaker 2: we're talking about temptations, right? In this case, you're still 482 00:20:54,989 --> 00:20:57,819 Speaker 2: in this relationship. Let's say you're two years in, you 483 00:20:57,829 --> 00:21:01,790 Speaker 2: feel like you've grown apart, you're different. People comes along 484 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:05,979 Speaker 2: someone who you're either attracted to or suddenly you feel 485 00:21:05,989 --> 00:21:08,569 Speaker 2: like you've got a very good connection with something that 486 00:21:08,579 --> 00:21:10,349 Speaker 2: you've been searching for in your partner and it's been 487 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:11,619 Speaker 2: missing for a while, 488 00:21:11,739 --> 00:21:12,510 Speaker 1: how 489 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,819 Speaker 1: I will have open and honest conversation with my partner, 490 00:21:16,829 --> 00:21:19,379 Speaker 1: which we actually did, by the way, we talked about it. 491 00:21:19,390 --> 00:21:22,000 Speaker 1: And that's why we decided to end things after trying 492 00:21:22,010 --> 00:21:25,849 Speaker 1: for a couple more months that breakup was amicable. We 493 00:21:25,859 --> 00:21:28,938 Speaker 1: both wanted it. It was mutual and I am very 494 00:21:28,949 --> 00:21:29,890 Speaker 1: happy we broke up this 495 00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:30,219 Speaker 1: way. 496 00:21:30,229 --> 00:21:32,020 Speaker 2: But I think that's one side of the coin, right? 497 00:21:32,030 --> 00:21:34,569 Speaker 2: The other side is like, well, let's say we're still 498 00:21:34,579 --> 00:21:36,500 Speaker 2: on the same page. We love each other very much. 499 00:21:36,510 --> 00:21:37,810 Speaker 2: Do you want to make things work out? Yeah. You 500 00:21:37,819 --> 00:21:39,649 Speaker 2: want to make things work out. But, you know, we've 501 00:21:39,660 --> 00:21:40,780 Speaker 2: been together like 10 years, 502 00:21:41,015 --> 00:21:44,974 Speaker 2: 5, 10 years, every day is just routine is mundane. 503 00:21:44,984 --> 00:21:49,563 Speaker 2: Like the sex is not exciting anymore. And generally from 504 00:21:49,574 --> 00:21:52,034 Speaker 2: my past experience, you don't really talk about that. You 505 00:21:52,045 --> 00:21:54,994 Speaker 2: kind of just let the relationship brought away until one 506 00:21:55,005 --> 00:21:57,535 Speaker 2: day someone fucks up or you break up. Like, I 507 00:21:57,545 --> 00:21:59,454 Speaker 2: don't think that's the right way now that I'm a 508 00:21:59,464 --> 00:22:03,854 Speaker 2: bit older, I would probably like Hay said, try to 509 00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:06,313 Speaker 2: communicate that as awkward as it may be. But like 510 00:22:06,324 --> 00:22:07,574 Speaker 2: sit my partner down and be like, 511 00:22:07,979 --> 00:22:10,689 Speaker 2: I think we've really been struggling. Like, what do you 512 00:22:10,699 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 2: think we can do to bring back like the romance? 513 00:22:13,770 --> 00:22:16,699 Speaker 2: That's why it's very important for couples to do what 514 00:22:16,709 --> 00:22:20,879 Speaker 2: they call a stock take, right? Inventory stock take. And 515 00:22:20,890 --> 00:22:22,770 Speaker 2: I know a lot of very healthy couples do this. 516 00:22:22,780 --> 00:22:25,839 Speaker 2: Once a month, they sit down, they talk about things 517 00:22:25,849 --> 00:22:30,770 Speaker 2: anywhere from kids to finance, to parenting, to romance, intimacy 518 00:22:30,780 --> 00:22:31,800 Speaker 2: and kind of just take every 519 00:22:31,890 --> 00:22:33,989 Speaker 2: off the list. Like, are we going in the direction 520 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,659 Speaker 2: that we want and be completely and brutally honest with 521 00:22:36,670 --> 00:22:39,969 Speaker 2: each other. And if you cultivate that habit, then it 522 00:22:39,979 --> 00:22:41,890 Speaker 2: will never be awkward to do that. Even 20 years 523 00:22:41,900 --> 00:22:42,510 Speaker 2: down the line. 524 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:42,709 Speaker 1: I 525 00:22:42,719 --> 00:22:44,669 Speaker 1: agree with that. This is something that I'm seeking my 526 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:47,630 Speaker 1: future relationships as well. We must never be awkward to 527 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:51,619 Speaker 1: talk about certain things and we must do planning future 528 00:22:51,630 --> 00:22:55,349 Speaker 1: planning together, the financial, emotional, spiritual, whatever 529 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:56,699 Speaker 1: you have to be on the same 530 00:22:56,709 --> 00:22:57,150 Speaker 1: page. 531 00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,500 Speaker 2: And that's why I always say that like tough conversations 532 00:23:00,510 --> 00:23:05,619 Speaker 2: or uncomfortable situations, conversations can still be held with like 533 00:23:05,630 --> 00:23:08,060 Speaker 2: love and grace, correct. A lot of people run away 534 00:23:08,069 --> 00:23:10,699 Speaker 2: from it because they think it's like the minute, it's heavy, 535 00:23:10,709 --> 00:23:14,879 Speaker 2: the minute it's uncomfortable, it's confrontational, but it may not 536 00:23:14,890 --> 00:23:15,680 Speaker 2: be that way. 537 00:23:16,229 --> 00:23:17,660 Speaker 1: Yeah. And I think there's many ways to create a 538 00:23:17,670 --> 00:23:21,540 Speaker 1: safe space for communication. Number one, even if you don't 539 00:23:21,550 --> 00:23:24,619 Speaker 1: agree with your partner's point of view, try to comprehend 540 00:23:24,869 --> 00:23:26,670 Speaker 1: and understand their perspective. 541 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:26,890 Speaker 2: You 542 00:23:26,900 --> 00:23:29,579 Speaker 2: should never take an accusatory tone because you guys are 543 00:23:29,589 --> 00:23:33,069 Speaker 2: a team, right? So, always give them the space to share, right? 544 00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:34,810 Speaker 2: And listen and respect that. 545 00:23:34,819 --> 00:23:36,500 Speaker 1: Listen, I think you brought a very good point. A 546 00:23:36,510 --> 00:23:39,369 Speaker 1: lot of people don't actively listen. They just 547 00:23:39,689 --> 00:23:39,849 Speaker 2: Yeah. 548 00:23:40,069 --> 00:23:41,969 Speaker 1: Yeah. Or like they hear the partners say a few 549 00:23:41,979 --> 00:23:43,329 Speaker 1: sentences and then they interrupt. 550 00:23:43,435 --> 00:23:47,025 Speaker 1: No, it's not like that. And all defensive, maybe one 551 00:23:47,035 --> 00:23:51,734 Speaker 1: way to hold safe and open communication is just actively listen, 552 00:23:51,864 --> 00:23:54,834 Speaker 1: don't interrupt, let your partner say their piece and then 553 00:23:54,844 --> 00:23:57,535 Speaker 1: you say your piece, they listen, friends. 554 00:23:57,694 --> 00:24:01,224 Speaker 2: And I think a very important thing to also know 555 00:24:01,234 --> 00:24:01,895 Speaker 2: is that 556 00:24:02,369 --> 00:24:05,040 Speaker 2: while it may not be the best possible outcome, but 557 00:24:05,050 --> 00:24:08,439 Speaker 2: we are all humans and all humans have intrusive thoughts. 558 00:24:08,449 --> 00:24:11,920 Speaker 2: Like therapist Jeff said, that could mean like you see 559 00:24:11,930 --> 00:24:14,069 Speaker 2: someone who's attractive and for a flicker of a second, 560 00:24:14,079 --> 00:24:16,040 Speaker 2: you imagine what it would be like to be intimate 561 00:24:16,050 --> 00:24:19,579 Speaker 2: with that person, correct. These are intrusive thoughts. It doesn't 562 00:24:19,589 --> 00:24:20,750 Speaker 2: make you a bad person 563 00:24:21,015 --> 00:24:25,415 Speaker 2: because thoughts are not facts. Yes. Agree. It's just a thought. 564 00:24:25,425 --> 00:24:27,665 Speaker 2: You didn't act on it. It doesn't make you a 565 00:24:27,675 --> 00:24:30,765 Speaker 2: bad person or red flag or a cheater just because 566 00:24:30,775 --> 00:24:31,035 Speaker 2: you thought 567 00:24:31,045 --> 00:24:31,474 Speaker 1: about 568 00:24:32,204 --> 00:24:34,724 Speaker 2: it. You do something about it that that's a 569 00:24:34,734 --> 00:24:35,313 Speaker 2: problem. 570 00:24:35,545 --> 00:24:37,555 Speaker 1: And this brings me to my next point. You don't 571 00:24:37,564 --> 00:24:39,675 Speaker 1: have to be 100% honest with your partner. 572 00:24:40,030 --> 00:24:42,689 Speaker 1: I mean, these intrusive thoughts, I feel like they're far 573 00:24:42,699 --> 00:24:45,000 Speaker 1: better off being kept to yourself as long as you 574 00:24:45,010 --> 00:24:47,660 Speaker 1: don't act on them. One final question before we wrap 575 00:24:47,670 --> 00:24:50,429 Speaker 1: up the episode. Is it ok to communicate with your 576 00:24:50,439 --> 00:24:52,729 Speaker 1: partner how they should be more attractive? 577 00:24:52,739 --> 00:24:53,209 Speaker 2: Valid 578 00:24:53,219 --> 00:24:57,890 Speaker 2: question. Like, let's say your partner has gotten like sloppy 579 00:24:57,900 --> 00:25:00,629 Speaker 2: with his appearance, like, stop shaving the beard and like 580 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:01,969 Speaker 2: really scruffy and 581 00:25:02,329 --> 00:25:04,780 Speaker 2: you know, stop cutting his hair or nails, like really gross. 582 00:25:04,790 --> 00:25:07,619 Speaker 2: What would you girls do? Because here's the thing, right? 583 00:25:07,630 --> 00:25:10,599 Speaker 2: As much as we are not trying to be superficial, 584 00:25:10,709 --> 00:25:12,229 Speaker 2: but a large part 585 00:25:12,239 --> 00:25:13,390 Speaker 1: stands. Activeness 586 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:16,750 Speaker 2: is important in a relationship. Visual beings right at the 587 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:17,129 Speaker 2: end of the 588 00:25:17,140 --> 00:25:17,540 Speaker 2: day. 589 00:25:17,910 --> 00:25:20,479 Speaker 1: If he doesn't cut his nails, I'll be like, hey, 590 00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:22,540 Speaker 1: sometime tonight, why don't I cut your nails for you? 591 00:25:22,550 --> 00:25:25,699 Speaker 1: Like take it as a bonding activity if he doesn't 592 00:25:25,709 --> 00:25:27,489 Speaker 1: cut his hair, I don't know what to do about 593 00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:27,579 Speaker 1: it 594 00:25:27,665 --> 00:25:30,704 Speaker 1: because I can't cut his hair, but I've done it. 595 00:25:30,714 --> 00:25:32,514 Speaker 1: I can do. Really. You send to me, I send 596 00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:33,584 Speaker 1: to you next time. Now. 597 00:25:33,594 --> 00:25:37,405 Speaker 2: What if your partner looks in the mirror and says, wow, 598 00:25:37,734 --> 00:25:40,305 Speaker 2: I damn fat down but doesn't do anything about it. 599 00:25:40,344 --> 00:25:40,765 Speaker 2: What 600 00:25:40,775 --> 00:25:43,464 Speaker 1: are you gonna do? I will acknowledge the fact by 601 00:25:43,474 --> 00:25:46,785 Speaker 1: saying yeah, a bit but cute. What? Ok. But if 602 00:25:46,795 --> 00:25:50,083 Speaker 1: you mind, why don't we go run together? You know, 603 00:25:50,094 --> 00:25:53,004 Speaker 1: just to compliment him and then when he actually loses weight, 604 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,319 Speaker 1: what you tell him how hot he looks. You got 605 00:25:56,329 --> 00:26:00,540 Speaker 1: apps now you got what you do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. 606 00:26:00,550 --> 00:26:04,379 Speaker 2: Conditioning about. I'll be like, oh why not? We eat 607 00:26:04,390 --> 00:26:07,369 Speaker 2: healthy together. Like let's do a meal plan together. We 608 00:26:07,380 --> 00:26:08,780 Speaker 2: go grocery shopping together. 609 00:26:08,790 --> 00:26:09,379 Speaker 1: Yeah. Win, 610 00:26:09,410 --> 00:26:10,329 Speaker 1: win, isn't it? 611 00:26:10,469 --> 00:26:12,849 Speaker 2: But if you say that right? Are you just avoiding 612 00:26:12,859 --> 00:26:15,380 Speaker 2: an uncomfortable situation or like honesty just 613 00:26:15,390 --> 00:26:18,429 Speaker 1: to keep peace? No, I'm just approaching this situation with 614 00:26:18,439 --> 00:26:19,400 Speaker 1: a high eq 615 00:26:19,410 --> 00:26:22,180 Speaker 2: honestly, I think in a relationship you, 616 00:26:22,839 --> 00:26:26,250 Speaker 2: it's not sexy to tell your partner or bring your 617 00:26:26,260 --> 00:26:30,140 Speaker 2: partner down like that. You know, and it's, it doesn't 618 00:26:30,150 --> 00:26:33,579 Speaker 2: help their ego, their pride, everyone has that. And as 619 00:26:33,589 --> 00:26:36,839 Speaker 2: much as you want to be honest, you have to be, 620 00:26:36,859 --> 00:26:39,530 Speaker 2: you can't be so brutally honest with your partner. 621 00:26:39,829 --> 00:26:41,569 Speaker 2: It's very helpful. Yeah, 622 00:26:41,579 --> 00:26:41,729 Speaker 1: I 623 00:26:41,739 --> 00:26:44,209 Speaker 1: agree. I think it's the art of communication. If you 624 00:26:44,219 --> 00:26:48,479 Speaker 1: want to bring things across, you bring it forward in 625 00:26:48,489 --> 00:26:50,949 Speaker 1: a manner that he can accept it. If not, he's 626 00:26:50,959 --> 00:26:54,709 Speaker 1: just gonna be against the idea of working out of eating, 627 00:26:54,905 --> 00:26:56,844 Speaker 1: he's going to think that you don't love him anymore 628 00:26:56,854 --> 00:26:58,905 Speaker 1: and for what bring down the relationship like that 629 00:26:59,035 --> 00:27:01,785 Speaker 2: and maybe assure them at the same time that I 630 00:27:01,795 --> 00:27:03,104 Speaker 2: love you in any shape and form. 631 00:27:03,114 --> 00:27:03,804 Speaker 1: But you know, that's not 632 00:27:03,814 --> 00:27:04,125 Speaker 1: true. 633 00:27:04,135 --> 00:27:06,504 Speaker 2: I always say like, what if I become really, really, really, 634 00:27:06,515 --> 00:27:09,035 Speaker 2: really overweight and obese? So we still love me. Then 635 00:27:09,045 --> 00:27:11,704 Speaker 2: his question will be, how far are we talking? Is 636 00:27:11,714 --> 00:27:14,224 Speaker 2: not yet? Yes, I still love you. Then you just 637 00:27:14,234 --> 00:27:16,685 Speaker 2: get upset or what? No, I be like, 638 00:27:17,979 --> 00:27:21,500 Speaker 1: but you can't, you can, you know that your partner loves. 639 00:27:21,510 --> 00:27:21,739 Speaker 1: So then 640 00:27:21,750 --> 00:27:23,319 Speaker 2: he will turn it around and he will say what 641 00:27:23,329 --> 00:27:26,800 Speaker 2: if I, then I have nothing to say. Yeah, I 642 00:27:26,810 --> 00:27:28,109 Speaker 2: just suck to shut up 643 00:27:29,189 --> 00:27:31,390 Speaker 1: because you love him for how disciplined he is, right? 644 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:39,010 Speaker 1: How regular he is with his workouts? You can. Yeah. Ok. Ok. 645 00:27:39,020 --> 00:27:41,630 Speaker 1: So if you love this episode you will also love 646 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:47,879 Speaker 1: our other episodes or like physical intimacy and expectations. Tune 647 00:27:47,890 --> 00:27:50,560 Speaker 1: into all other episodes. If you haven't already follow us 648 00:27:50,569 --> 00:27:53,589 Speaker 1: on Instagram at is clarity.co. You can listen to all 649 00:27:53,599 --> 00:27:54,099 Speaker 1: of those 650 00:27:54,109 --> 00:27:55,030 Speaker 2: on Spotify, 651 00:27:55,145 --> 00:27:58,724 Speaker 2: listen, Apple Podcast, turn on your notifications. So when we 652 00:27:58,734 --> 00:28:01,214 Speaker 2: drop a new episode, you'll know right away and yeah, 653 00:28:01,224 --> 00:28:03,415 Speaker 2: check us out on youtube as well and drop a 654 00:28:03,425 --> 00:28:06,385 Speaker 2: comment if you have any questions that you like us 655 00:28:06,395 --> 00:28:10,574 Speaker 2: to answer. And always remember even Beyonce was cheated on. 656 00:28:10,584 --> 00:28:12,833 Speaker 2: So it's never about you. It's always the other person. 657 00:28:13,869 --> 00:28:15,280 Speaker 1: We'll be back next time. Bye. 658 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:16,099 Speaker 2: Hey.