Speaker 1: Hi. Hi, and I'm Jemaine and welcome back to another
Speaker 1: episode of Clam.
Speaker 1: Today we're talking about something that we have no idea
Speaker 1: about marriage. So we have the ultimate old married couple.
Speaker 1: Let's welcome Jane. And
Speaker 2: where the old come from? Because of me, old
Speaker 1: married. How many years have you guys been married this
Speaker 2: year is nine years. Plus dating will be about 12 years.
Speaker 1: So that's 13 plus nine. No, no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 2: I'm so old.
Speaker 1: I mean, you guys have been married for nine years.
Speaker 1: Would you say that's a long time to be married
Speaker 1: in this day and age?
Speaker 2: I don't think it's necessary to put a time frame
Speaker 2: to marriage? Yeah, because then why do you get married
Speaker 2: in the first place? People who get in a good relationship,
Speaker 2: stay married longer, I suppose. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah. Healthy.
Speaker 1: And for Jane when you met Vernon, right. What about him?
Speaker 1: Shouted at you. Marriage material.
Speaker 2: Handsome.
Speaker 1: No, honestly, nothing.
Speaker 1: No. Honestly, seriously, seriously, you know, when we first met,
Speaker 1: it didn't really occur to me that I was going
Speaker 1: to get married with him. So it's just, you know,
Speaker 1: a dating thing. Yeah. Only like much later on when
Speaker 1: we dated a little bit more seriously. And then I
Speaker 1: thought like it could be in the cards for us. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And now they have two kids. Can you believe that?
Speaker 1: I mean,
Speaker 2: very cute kids.
Speaker 2: You know, usually when I go to the bedroom and
Speaker 2: then close the door, what happens inside? Come on, nine
Speaker 2: months later,
Speaker 1: nine months you stay in the bedroom? Oh, ok. Sounds great.
Speaker 1: But today we talk about marriage more specifically something called
Speaker 1: the concept of a 50 50 in marriage, right? This
Speaker 1: can be with regards to responsibility, finance
Speaker 1: and all of that and because none of us are
Speaker 1: married or barely in relationships, so we need to look
Speaker 1: to you guys. So you are our role models for today.
Speaker 1: Please be good one. What a lot of people understand
Speaker 1: of marriage is that responsibilities have to be shared and
Speaker 1: it has to be shared equally. The husband takes 50%
Speaker 1: the wife takes 50%. For example, if the husband cooks,
Speaker 1: then the wife washes the dishes.
Speaker 1: But I don't know if this is the case in
Speaker 1: marriage these days or like, is this really the way
Speaker 1: to run a marriage? I don't think it has ever
Speaker 1: existed at all. The 50 50 rule. I think
Speaker 2: some people do that. I feel very sad for them
Speaker 2: though because like, you know, being in a healthy relationship,
Speaker 2: why do you put numbers to things? Why do you
Speaker 2: have 50% of the work? Yeah. Like,
Speaker 2: if you feel you need to wash clothes you can
Speaker 2: wash clothes. Why, why worry about what your spouse is
Speaker 2: doing when you are washing the clothes and why do
Speaker 2: you have to wait for someone else to do it?
Speaker 2: But that's
Speaker 1: the thing. So, some people wonder if it's always me
Speaker 1: who is mopping the floor? When will my other half
Speaker 1: to do it? It's the, that person problems, isn't
Speaker 2: it? Yeah, exactly. I mean, if you feel that the
Speaker 2: floor is dirty, then you mop the floor. If the
Speaker 2: other person doesn't feel that the floor is dirty, then
Speaker 2: they won't mop the floor.
Speaker 1: Ok. So I have a girlfriend, um, she will always
Speaker 1: vacuum the floor. Ok. So she says that that's her
Speaker 1: responsibility and then she just tells her boyfriend, can you
Speaker 1: just please empty the vacuum cleaner? Like that's the least
Speaker 1: you can do. Right. So, that was the arrangement. But
Speaker 1: you know what, when the vacuum cleaner is so full
Speaker 1: that all the dust is accumulated inside already, he still
Speaker 1: hasn't emptied it. He, he is. So, now they are
Speaker 1: broken up.
Speaker 2: That's when, you know, that relationship sucks because of a
Speaker 2: vacuum cleaner. It's the
Speaker 1: principle of it though. It's, you know, if I ask
Speaker 1: something of you, my partner, why can't you just do it?
Speaker 1: It's not about $50.
Speaker 2: So, if you have something that you would like your
Speaker 2: partner to do and you ask nicely, then they should
Speaker 2: do it. I mean, ok, maybe in our relationship we
Speaker 2: don't define it by goals. If she wakes up in
Speaker 2: the morning and the house is dirty, she'll do the housework. Oh, yeah.
Speaker 2: You like to do the housework. I generally do most
Speaker 2: of the housework because she looks up. It's around that
Speaker 2: time when she feeds the kids. So I use that
Speaker 2: time to, to do the housework and I like it,
Speaker 2: but I don't expect her like, ok, tomorrow your turn
Speaker 2: like we don't divide, you know, why?
Speaker 1: Why are you? So, yeah, I think it's very toxic
Speaker 1: and it's just very draining to be so calculative. Like a,
Speaker 1: it's your turn today. Why are you not doing it
Speaker 1: instead of using that kind of mentality? To me? It's like, ok,
Speaker 1: I take it as maybe he's busy. I give him
Speaker 1: a better feel that after all, he's my husband, maybe
Speaker 1: he's just really tired so I'll just take over. It's
Speaker 1: just mopping the floor, it's just doing laundry. It's not
Speaker 1: a big deal. You know, there's like an alternative to
Speaker 1: the 50 50 model. They call it the 100 100 model.
Speaker 1: Each partnership
Speaker 1: be giving 100% regardless of what your partner is giving
Speaker 1: in return and you always give without expecting anything back
Speaker 1: because this is what a relationship is like the 100 100.
Speaker 1: So at home, right. Paint us a picture. Does either
Speaker 1: of you cook.
Speaker 2: She does. I don't. Ok. So she cooks, you don't cook.
Speaker 2: But I try to encourage her not to cook.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Because, no, not because the cooking sucks. I mean,
Speaker 2: she cooks fine. It's just that, it makes her tired
Speaker 2: and it leaves her less time with the kids or
Speaker 2: with me. And time for us especially is very fragile. Um,
Speaker 2: because of our working hours. I wake up really early
Speaker 2: in the day. So I try to have as much
Speaker 2: time in the afternoon to rest
Speaker 2: and then the evenings are spent with the kids. And
Speaker 2: so by the time we put the kids to bed,
Speaker 2: that's our time where we watch TV. We, we talk
Speaker 2: about the day and stuff like that. So, so if
Speaker 2: she cooks, then she'll be really tired and, you know,
Speaker 2: you just don't want tiredness to seep into, to a
Speaker 2: relationship where you're trying to be happy when you have
Speaker 2: alone time. So
Speaker 1: it comes to kids. Traditionally, it usually falls to the mother. Right.
Speaker 1: The mother is the one that has to take care
Speaker 1: of their education after school work. Do you agree? Or
Speaker 1: we don't divide it very clearly. He does have to
Speaker 1: work at night. So I totally understand. So I take
Speaker 1: over but he also understands that I have certain,
Speaker 1: I, I cannot be at home with the kids and
Speaker 1: he also gladly takes over. So there's no like, clear
Speaker 1: definition for us actually. Yeah. The thing. Right. I think
Speaker 1: it's because, you know, they both are very proactive and
Speaker 1: picking up the pieces filling up the gaps. But I
Speaker 1: think this concept of, you know, maybe some people fall
Speaker 1: into this pace of being calculative or, you know, keeping
Speaker 1: tabs because one person will just not do it. And
Speaker 1: they
Speaker 2: don't, it sounds like very selfish behavior. If you ask
Speaker 2: me and, you know, to, for you to get into that,
Speaker 2: that situation where you have to be calculated, then why
Speaker 2: were you in the relationship in the first place? You know,
Speaker 2: you got to ask yourself these questions.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's kind of a red flag. It's signaling to
Speaker 2: you. Exactly. Yeah. Maybe this is not the right relationship
Speaker 2: to get married in advance and move on to a family,
Speaker 2: you know. Yeah. And
Speaker 1: to be honest, you don't find out about certain habits
Speaker 1: until you actually start staying with this person. Right. So
Speaker 1: that can come into play as
Speaker 2: well. I always feel that before you get married, try
Speaker 2: to go habit, not
Speaker 2: permanently, but on a regular basis. So at least, you
Speaker 2: know what you are in store for if you do
Speaker 2: eventually marry and, and, you know, live together, you know,
Speaker 2: certain habits that
Speaker 2: some people might not be able to overcome. Some people
Speaker 2: can just, you know, close one eye and get used
Speaker 2: to
Speaker 1: it. I don't think there is like a model per se. Like,
Speaker 1: you know, the ideal relationship, the ideal marriage. But I
Speaker 1: think it's more about your personalities and how you guys
Speaker 1: gel and fit into one another. I think that's more
Speaker 1: important because everybody is different. You cannot go into a
Speaker 1: relationship and expect your other half to be living by
Speaker 1: this 100 100 model, then you will be on this
Speaker 1: and giving a lot. But the other person doesn't understand
Speaker 1: or doesn't agree and
Speaker 1: very tiring. So even if I go in with this ideal,
Speaker 1: it may not work out because the other person just
Speaker 1: doesn't agree. So it also depends. So what would you
Speaker 1: suggest to, like people who are maybe going to get
Speaker 1: married out there? What should they expect?
Speaker 2: Drop all your expectations? A lot of people have these
Speaker 2: ideals that I don't know where they get it from
Speaker 2: but through looking at other people's relationships or through movies or,
Speaker 2: or things you read and you form these ideas in
Speaker 2: your mind. Oh, my future husband slash wife should be this, this, this, this, this, this,
Speaker 2: this
Speaker 2: and this life is very unrealistic because everybody is an individual.
Speaker 2: You will never find one person with all the qualities
Speaker 2: that you. Yeah, exactly. You know, there's bound to be,
Speaker 2: you know, some things that you have to compromise and
Speaker 2: all that. So I always feel, you know, when, especially
Speaker 2: when it comes to relationships and even in a friend
Speaker 2: relationship as well, like, you know, just a regular normal relationship,
Speaker 2: colleague relationship. If you draw all your ideals, right? And
Speaker 2: willing to be a bit more open. Right? You'll find
Speaker 2: different characteristics that you never thought about when you were
Speaker 2: forming those ideals and you actually might like that characteristic
Speaker 2: better than the ideal that you had in the first
Speaker 1: place. That's true in any working relationship. If you come
Speaker 1: in thinking it's going to be 50 50 you're gonna
Speaker 1: end up disappointed and annoyed.
Speaker 2: I hate to use the cliche think out of the box.
Speaker 2: But if you remove that box, then aren't you more
Speaker 2: open to more things and accepting to, to, you know,
Speaker 2: more people and it just opens up your horizons
Speaker 1: responsibilities, living together. Cohabiting is one thing, right? But there's
Speaker 1: a more sensitive area, obviously in a relationship when it
Speaker 1: comes to finances, finance is always a very sour point
Speaker 1: in any relationship.
Speaker 1: I'll give you an example, right? So recently a bunch
Speaker 1: of my friends came in from out of town. So
Speaker 1: me and my boyfriend brought them out, you know, go
Speaker 1: and drink and have fun and stuff like that. And
Speaker 1: because they are my friends, of course, I'm going to
Speaker 1: pay for them,
Speaker 1: but he had intercepted and he got the bill, obviously,
Speaker 1: at this point, you know, alcohol induced. I asked him like,
Speaker 1: why do you get the bill? I wanted to get
Speaker 1: it because they are my friends. I want to get
Speaker 1: the tap. And he said to me, look, you know,
Speaker 1: I obviously make more money than you. I have more
Speaker 1: disposable income. I want to do something nice for you.
Speaker 1: Why is that bad? Finance is a very sensitive thing.
Speaker 1: I was very hurt by that statement. I said just
Speaker 1: because you make more money than me doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: I can't get this tap. But I do understand where
Speaker 1: he's coming from.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. It's a sour point. Annoying to have to
Speaker 1: deal with things like that. Yeah.
Speaker 2: But you see, once you start letting these things like
Speaker 2: finances become a problem then they are a problem. If
Speaker 2: you just go, like, oh, you pay for it. Ok,
Speaker 2: I'll get the next one and, you know, just leave
Speaker 2: it if you don't try to read into so many
Speaker 2: things and try to take things less seriously. It would
Speaker 2: have been a very fun occasion and you didn't have
Speaker 2: to pay for your friend. That awesome. Your boy free.
Speaker 1: And would you have considered paying for his friends the
Speaker 1: next time they come into town? Yeah. I mean, I
Speaker 1: just didn't want him to think that I wanted him
Speaker 1: to pay. Right. Yeah, exactly. But finance for a lot
Speaker 1: of married couples, they have like, a shared bank account.
Speaker 1: They do 50 50 every month they put in the same.
Speaker 1: Is that realistic? How can you put in the same
Speaker 1: amount of money?
Speaker 2: I think it's a little
Speaker 2: unrealistic. I mean, having a joint bank account is good,
Speaker 2: especially because of where we live and, and you know,
Speaker 2: a lot of things, uh require money spent and things
Speaker 2: like that, you have to pay for a lot of things.
Speaker 2: But again, to put pressure on yourself to say, oh,
Speaker 2: you have to put in this amount because she's going
Speaker 2: to put in this amount. Then when you fall short
Speaker 2: or your spouse falls short, then,
Speaker 2: then there's a point of contention there. So why don't
Speaker 2: you just try to be as happy as you can
Speaker 2: and do what you can? And I'm sure because it's
Speaker 2: the person you married, they're not gonna like, oh, you
Speaker 2: show me $5 this month, you know, that's it. No TV,
Speaker 2: for you. I mean, that's not gonna happen because of
Speaker 2: a shortfall and obviously there will be a reason for it.
Speaker 2: I mean, of course, if the shortfall came from, I
Speaker 2: went to and I spent all my money on roller
Speaker 2: coaster rides.
Speaker 2: That's all you do. You don't do anything else? You
Speaker 2: know that, then that is a problem. You know, obviously
Speaker 2: it's a different problem. Correct. Yeah, you've over spent somewhere
Speaker 2: and that's why you don't have enough. So I feel
Speaker 2: that to make it work, you shouldn't put too many
Speaker 2: restrictions on yourself. So, do
Speaker 1: you guys mind sharing? How do you handle your finances
Speaker 1: at home?
Speaker 2: My money is her money, her money is her money,
Speaker 1: money, money, money is her money. Happy
Speaker 2: wife. Happy life.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 1: No, but have you also heard about now, people are
Speaker 1: bringing to light more often about how there is no
Speaker 1: 50 50 there's no 100 100. Sometimes I'm a 20
Speaker 1: you should be the 80 for me or today. I
Speaker 1: have a little bit more energy, you know, I had
Speaker 1: a better day. And correct. And so what I can
Speaker 1: bring to the table is maybe 70. And if all
Speaker 1: you can bring is 30 that time, but not every
Speaker 1: day is as realistic as that. Sometimes your days just
Speaker 1: can't form together. Yeah, even if you put yourself together,
Speaker 1: you can't reach 100. Maybe you are 30 today and
Speaker 1: I'm a 20 together we just, I think with finances,
Speaker 1: you know, always gonna be a point. Right. But I,
Speaker 1: I did see sort of like a way to contribute evenly. Right.
Speaker 1: And that involves some math. So you take each of
Speaker 1: your incomes, right? Divided by the total of both incomes
Speaker 1: and you times 100 you get a percentage of how
Speaker 1: each of you should contribute. Ah, yeah. And then you
Speaker 1: take your total shared monthly
Speaker 1: expenses divided by this percentage. This is how much money
Speaker 1: in dollars that you should be contributing every month if
Speaker 1: let's say you have a joint bank account. So it's variable.
Speaker 1: It's not 50 50 right? But here's the thing, I
Speaker 1: would never, if anyone who wants to calculate that way. Yeah,
Speaker 2: exactly. Like is it
Speaker 1: calculate
Speaker 2: this every month? Yeah. Well, some people do it and, and,
Speaker 2: you know, yeah, maybe we're doing it wrong because Singaporeans
Speaker 2: are very rich. They can buy property, they can buy
Speaker 2: car and all that. Which baffles me sometimes. But,
Speaker 2: yeah, I mean, that could be a way to do it.
Speaker 2: Some people are just comfortable doing that but some people aren't,
Speaker 2: there are a lot of ways of doing things, a
Speaker 2: lot of solutions to different sets of problems and all that.
Speaker 2: It's just what solution you, you, you adapt to and adopt,
Speaker 2: I suppose.
Speaker 1: Absolutely. There are some, you know, married couples who have
Speaker 1: given some thoughts about 50 50 marriage. Ok. Someone said
Speaker 1: it actually doesn't work for me. What I like is
Speaker 1: the approach where I do the stuff I'm good at
Speaker 1: and he does the stuff that he's good at and
Speaker 1: he enjoys, I'm quite happy to do all
Speaker 1: the cooking. But I, for example, I never put petrol
Speaker 1: in the car because that's something he likes doing, going
Speaker 1: to a petrol station looking around the shop and things
Speaker 1: like that. And I feel like we both feel we
Speaker 1: do more than 50% because we do what we love. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I
Speaker 2: like that. And obviously all these things came about because
Speaker 2: the couple sat down and talked about what they're good at,
Speaker 2: which means the lines of communication were very open and,
Speaker 2: and they sat down and talked about it wasn't a no,
Speaker 2: you do this and they wrote it down on a
Speaker 2: piece of paper. You know, it literally is a consensus
Speaker 2: between two
Speaker 2: understanding individuals.
Speaker 1: On that note, someone else says on paper, it's easy
Speaker 1: to say 50 50 or to assign like traditional roles
Speaker 1: to each other, right? Like the husband goes to work
Speaker 1: and the wife stays at home. But this is not
Speaker 1: always the case in reality, marriage and relationships fail when
Speaker 1: you confine them to strict rules and I fully agree
Speaker 1: with that. Yeah, sometimes rules bend and you just have
Speaker 1: to go with the flow for the marriage to even
Speaker 1: work
Speaker 2: out like the words of Bruce Lee or be like water. Oh, no, really? He,
Speaker 2: he said that and it applies to everything. You know,
Speaker 2: if you not like
Speaker 2: enough to move with the times with different challenges that
Speaker 2: people face in their lives, you can have this set rules, right?
Speaker 2: But something changes, things happen like retrenchments like like natural disasters.
Speaker 2: How are you gonna call what's going to happen? Five
Speaker 2: years down the road? You, you can't, you see. So
Speaker 2: if you can bend like water, then you know, you
Speaker 2: can adapt and you
Speaker 1: sound like you reached enlightenment. Congratulations
Speaker 2: when you old.
Speaker 1: Ok. I'm looking forward to that,
Speaker 1: you know, the 50 50 approach, like we say is
Speaker 1: very unrealistic mostly because how do you even determine that
Speaker 1: your partner has met you half way? How do you
Speaker 1: sit and calculate different things? What, what is that 50
Speaker 1: to like? How do you, you can't use a calculator.
Speaker 1: There's no life calculator for that. So it's not possible
Speaker 1: to determine that. And acceptance of this 50 50 is
Speaker 1: based on performance, like, let's say you clean the house, right?
Speaker 1: That's your 50. But you do a shit job.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. Is that still meeting your
Speaker 2: partner? I vacuum. But I still, I did. That
Speaker 1: sucks. Oh my God, it's true. But sometimes like, let's
Speaker 1: say if I cook, I don't cook. But if I
Speaker 1: did put my heart and soul into cooking, I would
Speaker 1: expect that you put your heart and soul into eating
Speaker 1: like washing the dishes, making
Speaker 2: sure that
Speaker 1: most times
Speaker 1: you would be disappointed. I guess I learned this, you know,
Speaker 1: from living with my partner, right? I usually keep things
Speaker 1: very clean around the place like, you know, um but
Speaker 1: guys being guys, they like to throw everything, one underwear here,
Speaker 1: one t-shirt there and I got upset because I expected
Speaker 1: him to do the same that I did, which was
Speaker 1: keep the space clean. But when you have the expectation,
Speaker 1: you're disappointed.
Speaker 2: Again, expectations will ruin everything. So, what
Speaker 1: I do is I clean up.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. But does it take a toll on you though? No,
Speaker 1: it's ok. He doesn't mind the messy stuff, but I
Speaker 1: want it clean and I will do that for him
Speaker 1: and he does other things for me. I think it
Speaker 1: was also about picking your battles. Like is he really
Speaker 1: worth fighting or arguing over something as small as leaving
Speaker 1: your clothes on the floor or not keeping things. I mean,
Speaker 1: there's a bigger picture. I mean, definitely we have our
Speaker 1: disagreements from time to time,
Speaker 1: but we do think about like, what's the bigger picture like?
Speaker 1: Is this gonna affect anything in the future? Is this
Speaker 1: like cup that's not been washed for like days? Is
Speaker 1: it gonna affect anything? No, then just leave it. It's ok.
Speaker 1: I'll just wash it or just remind him, can you
Speaker 1: please go wash? I'll
Speaker 2: throw away the cup. Buy a new one
Speaker 1: right there. Remind me to go through your trash bin.
Speaker 1: Sounds like there's a lot of valuable stuff in there
Speaker 1: a lot.
Speaker 1: What was your last argument? I mean, we, yeah,
Speaker 2: we don't have major meltdown arguments. Yeah, we we about small,
Speaker 2: small things healthy actually. Yeah, because once you get out
Speaker 2: of the way, then it's done already. Yeah. As long
Speaker 2: as you understand, both points of view, you don't have
Speaker 2: to agree at the end of an argument, right? I
Speaker 2: can still think that I'm right and she can still
Speaker 2: think that she's right. But as long as we see
Speaker 2: each other's point and we feel it's not unreasonable then.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Ok. Let's move on, you know, like I will
Speaker 2: try to do whatever it takes to make you happier
Speaker 2: and vice versa as well. She will do the same
Speaker 2: for me. So
Speaker 1: for example, like what what kind of like small, small
Speaker 1: things like the cup was just a very random, very random.
Speaker 1: It's not, it's not a true story. Right?
Speaker 1: What do we bicker about? I don't know, man, it's
Speaker 1: just like in the moment things like you just don't remember. Actually,
Speaker 1: this comes with fighting too, right? As couples, you definitely
Speaker 1: do disagree on things. If one person is always taking it,
Speaker 1: like the other person is always right and one person
Speaker 1: is always in the wrong, walking away from an argument.
Speaker 1: I don't think that's fair in this situation. I think
Speaker 1: 50 50 would be a better approach.
Speaker 2: Sure. But again, you're trying to put numbers to, to
Speaker 2: an equation where it really isn't an equation. It's a
Speaker 2: natural thing where like I said, life happens and different
Speaker 2: scenarios happen. How do you put numbers to it? Not
Speaker 2: that I hate numbers, although I hate math. But yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2: You know, but like I said, you know, drawing lines
Speaker 2: and circles and, and adding boundaries to, to your everyday
Speaker 2: life kind of sucks. You know, I mean, we, we
Speaker 2: all hate the rules in school.
Speaker 2: We all have some disagreements with rules that the government
Speaker 2: gives you. So we all don't like it. But so
Speaker 2: when you start doing that in your household, imagine living
Speaker 2: your whole life with all these set of rules that
Speaker 2: you don't agree with. It makes you very angry person
Speaker 2: as well. I feel, yeah, removing certain rules that really
Speaker 2: don't make a difference to your life, kind of makes
Speaker 2: things better and you want to be at home, you
Speaker 2: want to be your kids, you want to be your
Speaker 2: wife and
Speaker 1: sounds like marriage is hard work.
Speaker 1: I can already think of so many of my friends
Speaker 1: out there who, like, the wife wants the place to
Speaker 1: be like, neat and tidy. Right. And she doesn't want
Speaker 1: to put any pressure on the husband. But if she doesn't,
Speaker 1: the husband really does not do anything and then all
Speaker 1: the work will fall on her shoulders and then that's
Speaker 1: going to be, like, so tough.
Speaker 2: But, yeah, I mean, yeah, it's things that people in
Speaker 2: a relationship should try to work out and,
Speaker 2: and not get angry with the quantifying what kind of
Speaker 2: work each other does. Like I said, if your friend
Speaker 2: really hates a messy house, then she has to make
Speaker 2: it not
Speaker 1: messy or maybe hire a cleaner outsource, always outsource.
Speaker 2: It's a very
Speaker 1: good when you do have bad days and when you
Speaker 1: both have bad days and you don't have enough to
Speaker 1: bring to the table. What happens then?
Speaker 1: Because while you're having a bad day, sometimes you expect
Speaker 1: your partner to make it better for you, but they're
Speaker 1: having a bad day too. Maybe not just you, two,
Speaker 1: your kids as
Speaker 2: well. Yeah, exactly. So, you talk about four very different individuals,
Speaker 2: all with their own mindset and other things. So, it's
Speaker 2: almost a perfect ingredients for chaos. But like Jane said,
Speaker 2: you got to pick your battles. I mean, even if
Speaker 2: you're having a bad, I've said this from
Speaker 2: the beginning of my career till now and I practice
Speaker 2: this on a daily basis. If I'm having a bad day,
Speaker 2: I'll never go on air and turning on the mic
Speaker 2: and saying I'm having a terrible day. I'm not gonna
Speaker 2: take phone calls. I'm not gonna talk to you. I
Speaker 2: put it aside and do a good show because that's
Speaker 2: my job to entertain people and it should be the
Speaker 2: same in your house as well. Like, but I'm having
Speaker 2: a bad day. I'm not gonna take it out of her.
Speaker 2: She's not the reason why I'm having a bad day
Speaker 2: unless she is like then I'll go out. But
Speaker 2: yeah, but usually it's not like people like to blame
Speaker 2: something that happened to them on, on the way they behave.
Speaker 2: But you don't have to behave like that unless you,
Speaker 2: you're dealing with the problem head on then. Yeah, sure.
Speaker 2: You blow up, you get angry and all that with
Speaker 2: the problem, not the people around you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think because we compartmentalize our feelings. I don't
Speaker 1: know if that's a good or bad thing but we
Speaker 1: do that like
Speaker 1: if I have a bad day, I don't bring it home.
Speaker 1: I just leave it and because I know he's not
Speaker 1: the source, the cause of my bad day. My kids
Speaker 1: are not the cause of it. So why should they
Speaker 1: suffer the consequences for it? So I just try to
Speaker 1: put it aside and just move forward with my day
Speaker 1: because there's nothing I can do
Speaker 1: about it anymore. Just move on. But of course I
Speaker 1: will run to him and like complain like what I
Speaker 1: had a really bad day, this happened, that happened, but
Speaker 1: he will just listen and you know, after that just
Speaker 1: move on because there's no point in harping and like,
Speaker 1: just throwing everything on him, it just makes him feel
Speaker 1: bad at the end of the day.
Speaker 1: That's true. Your partner is not your emotional punching bag
Speaker 1: at the end of the day. So renting is quite nice.
Speaker 1: Anything anyone wants to rent about
Speaker 2: www dot R dot com?
Speaker 1: Ok. I feel like we have heard so much from
Speaker 1: like Vernon and Jean. But girls, what about you? We
Speaker 1: have been in a few relationships. What are some of
Speaker 1: the good habits that we think we will bring to
Speaker 1: our marriage next time? From your vast relationship experience? I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: any good habits or one or two that not to do?
Speaker 1: I think I'm a very happy person. You are, darling.
Speaker 1: You are. And I think that in itself, I save
Speaker 1: you a little headache. You know, of which, like, nothing
Speaker 1: is really too big an issue. Nothing is insurmountable. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think I've seen this somewhere. I read somewhere of
Speaker 1: which they said, like, the first thing that you need
Speaker 1: to have your partner is empathy and I think when
Speaker 1: you don't have that, uh, of which you can't at
Speaker 1: least feel for what they're feeling or what they're going
Speaker 1: through because, like, in the case of the messy.
Speaker 1: Right. She doesn't like the house messy, she cleaned up
Speaker 1: because she's the one who can't stand it. But if
Speaker 1: the partner knew that she gets upset by a messy house,
Speaker 1: as much as I don't care if it's messy, you
Speaker 1: would do a little bit. You know what I mean?
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true. Yeah. It's a two way street. It
Speaker 2: cannot be just. How about you?
Speaker 1: For me, at this point in my life, I think
Speaker 1: being happy is the most important. If certain lifestyle habits
Speaker 1: don't align,
Speaker 1: I would say don't push it before you step into marriage.
Speaker 1: Recognize that and see if you want to take a
Speaker 1: step back or if you can accept it and just,
Speaker 1: you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't
Speaker 2: do it because your friends are doing it because your
Speaker 2: BT O is coming. You know, those are just bad
Speaker 2: reasons to commit to a relationship. And I taught you
Speaker 2: this lesson
Speaker 2: the first time I met you and obviously you don't
Speaker 2: remember it. I think the most important lesson that anyone
Speaker 2: can learn and I think not enough people do it
Speaker 2: is to listen, be open to listening. Don't, you know,
Speaker 2: be in your own world. And not pay attention to
Speaker 2: what's going on around you. Especially from your partner, because
Speaker 2: the minute you start listening to your partner, then you
Speaker 2: will know
Speaker 2: what is a bothering her, what she likes, what the
Speaker 2: conversation that interests her is about. All you need to
Speaker 2: do is just listen, you don't even have to participate.
Speaker 2: You don't even have to have mind blowing comments about
Speaker 2: anything as long as you are listening and you're understanding
Speaker 2: what your partner is trying to say. Then half the
Speaker 2: battle is won.
Speaker 2: You can move on from there and do things in
Speaker 2: your life that you feel will be meaningful to yourself
Speaker 2: and for your partner as well. I wasn't listening.
Speaker 1: No recollection. Are you? Yes.
Speaker 2: Yes. You, you still not married
Speaker 1: me in five years.
Speaker 1: Ok. This statement, right? This is quite a big statement.
Speaker 1: It pertains to marriage, but maybe not so much of
Speaker 1: the 50 50 but it's a big debate is love
Speaker 1: enough for marriage. Oh my gosh, that you love
Speaker 2: each other. What I think there are too many external
Speaker 2: forces of nature that surround two people in a relationship.
Speaker 2: You know what if we were in love with each other?
Speaker 2: But her parents violently objected to us getting married. You know,
Speaker 2: that would have been a problem. And if we decided
Speaker 2: to ourselves, let's elope now because
Speaker 2: we love each other and let's just forget about our parents.
Speaker 2: It's going to come back one day and bite you
Speaker 2: in the ass because, you know, obviously her parents being
Speaker 2: her parents, she's gonna miss her parents. But love is
Speaker 2: part of the major ingredient for, for a successful marriage or,
Speaker 2: or a successful relationship. But I don't think it's the
Speaker 2: only thing you, you can, you know, look at before
Speaker 2: you get into a relationship or you get married. I
Speaker 1: have to say, I agree though. Like love alone cannot
Speaker 1: sustain a marriage or
Speaker 1: relationship, reality habits, finances phase of life, everything else comes
Speaker 1: into play. And you just got to recognize as much
Speaker 1: as like being in love is a happy feeling. But
Speaker 1: these other factors also will come in and like you said,
Speaker 1: the s so clearly serious thought has
Speaker 2: to be given. No. Imagine we love each other but
Speaker 2: she's terrible and very mean to my mom
Speaker 2: hypothesizing, right? Because you're in love, I tell myself no, no, no,
Speaker 2: I love her too much. I'm going to get in
Speaker 2: a relationship again. It's gonna come back and, you know,
Speaker 2: eventually one day you will fall out of love because
Speaker 2: of problems like that. So
Speaker 1: love can only bring you this far, like 2030 years
Speaker 1: of marriage. There's still love there. But is it gonna
Speaker 1: be I
Speaker 2: love money? But i it doesn't fall from the sky
Speaker 2: from me.
Speaker 1: You marry money.
Speaker 2: Yeah,
Speaker 2: I will put in
Speaker 1: money maintaining this like sense of fairness in marriage. It
Speaker 1: may not even be, you know, you want it to
Speaker 1: be fair. Like, like Vernon and Jane have said, throw
Speaker 1: that whole rulebook out. Don't think about it as 50
Speaker 1: 50 don't think about it as you both have to
Speaker 1: contribute some sort of, you know, equal amount. Right. So,
Speaker 1: what would you say to people that, you know, are
Speaker 1: struggling with that in a relationship or in a marriage? Even?
Speaker 1: Maybe
Speaker 1: one person is constantly contributing way more than the other.
Speaker 1: They just, they're just stuck in that mindset, right? But
Speaker 1: they still want this marriage, they still want this family. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think you just have to let go of the expectations,
Speaker 1: the ideas that you have that you hold and expect
Speaker 1: that your partner is going to do this, contribute that
Speaker 1: I feel it's just really unhealthy for yourself and for
Speaker 1: your partner because after that, you're just going to start
Speaker 1: manifesting it in your actions and it will just
Speaker 1: in everything that you do, like you start throwing temper
Speaker 1: and like, you know, you will be so angry as
Speaker 1: a person and you will be so unpleasant to be around, right?
Speaker 1: And your partner will definitely see that. And then, you know,
Speaker 1: it just has so many like consequences just because of
Speaker 1: something you cannot let go, like such as your expectations.
Speaker 1: It's very easy for us to say just let go, right.
Speaker 1: But to do it is another thing. So it takes
Speaker 1: a lot of mental training, a lot of thinking
Speaker 1: a lot of time to change your perspective in order
Speaker 1: to let go of your expectations of you
Speaker 2: manifest is the buzzword for 2023 Manifest. But, but yeah, no,
Speaker 2: I mean, like you really got to find out what
Speaker 2: the root of your problem is. What is that thing
Speaker 2: that you dislike about your relationship? And then ask yourself
Speaker 2: whether is that something I'm willing to, you know, overcome,
Speaker 2: you know, forget about like, get over all. I will
Speaker 2: not compromise on my principles. And I have to be
Speaker 2: steadfast and protect this thing that I really want.
Speaker 2: And if your partner disagrees, then you really have to
Speaker 2: think about your relationship. I mean, you know, there's no
Speaker 2: two ways about it because if you're going to be stubborn,
Speaker 2: then stubbornness is a brick wall, you're just going to
Speaker 2: keep running against a brick wall. And if you cannot
Speaker 2: do that for the rest of your life, you're gonna
Speaker 2: get
Speaker 1: injured. Actually. In fact, I do think if you take
Speaker 1: a bigger picture at it, right.
Speaker 1: Your mindset about this whole like marriage, 50 50 100
Speaker 1: 100 whatever it is, this could also be a misalignment.
Speaker 1: This could cause you to break up. It, it's the
Speaker 1: same as I want kids. I don't want kids. It's
Speaker 1: a very big thing because it applies to all parts
Speaker 2: of your relationship. No, I was gonna also add on
Speaker 2: that mindset like principles and ideas on that
Speaker 2: will change. It's one thing one day and 5, 10
Speaker 2: years down the road, it can be something else. And
Speaker 2: this is where love comes in because if the love
Speaker 2: is very strong and you really love this person, then
Speaker 2: your ideals can change. It's not set in stone. It's
Speaker 2: really what you're willing or unwilling to do. That really
Speaker 2: determines whether you, you're in a good relationship or a
Speaker 2: good marriage or Thank you Confucius.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So before we wrap up this episode, right? I
Speaker 1: just want to share some quotes um by some people
Speaker 1: out there that I feel like can help marriages. This
Speaker 1: person called Gary Chapman once said that marriages are in
Speaker 1: a perpetual state of transition, continually moving from one season
Speaker 1: to another, perhaps not annually as in nature, but certainly
Speaker 1: and consistently. And the cycle repeats itself many times throughout
Speaker 1: the life of a marriage. So just be prepared that
Speaker 1: you have to go through the same thing again and again,
Speaker 1: then it's up to your mindset and how you want
Speaker 1: to handle this situation, right? That's your dedication to spending
Speaker 1: a life together, right? And marriage may not always be
Speaker 1: 50 50 but divorce is 50 50. So think about that. No,
Speaker 2: it's not actually depending on the circumstance. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So with that, thank you so much, Brendan and Jane
Speaker 1: for joining us for this episode of slash podcast.
Speaker 2: Thank you for having us. It's not every day that
Speaker 2: I sit next to a beautiful woman like so many
Speaker 2: years
Speaker 1: like that. So, you know,
Speaker 2: I
Speaker 1: he's a serious guy. He's not funny at all. Well,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for tuning in and if you
Speaker 1: want to check out their beautiful faces, you know, come
Speaker 1: on to youtube. Follow us on Instagram at is Clav
Speaker 1: dot co for latest updates. That's right. You can listen
Speaker 1: to us on me, listen, Apple Podcast as well as
Speaker 1: Spotify and turn on your notifications. Ok? Thanks guys. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much.