1 00:00:00,009 --> 00:00:02,980 Speaker 1: Hi. Hi, and I'm Jemaine and welcome back to another 2 00:00:02,990 --> 00:00:03,769 Speaker 1: episode of Clam. 3 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:09,600 Speaker 1: Today we're talking about something that we have no idea 4 00:00:09,609 --> 00:00:13,408 Speaker 1: about marriage. So we have the ultimate old married couple. 5 00:00:13,420 --> 00:00:15,359 Speaker 1: Let's welcome Jane. And 6 00:00:17,219 --> 00:00:20,170 Speaker 2: where the old come from? Because of me, old 7 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:24,549 Speaker 1: married. How many years have you guys been married this 8 00:00:24,559 --> 00:00:28,450 Speaker 2: year is nine years. Plus dating will be about 12 years. 9 00:00:28,459 --> 00:00:31,260 Speaker 1: So that's 13 plus nine. No, no, no, no, no, no, 10 00:00:34,299 --> 00:00:35,049 Speaker 2: I'm so old. 11 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:38,278 Speaker 1: I mean, you guys have been married for nine years. 12 00:00:38,290 --> 00:00:39,860 Speaker 1: Would you say that's a long time to be married 13 00:00:39,869 --> 00:00:41,169 Speaker 1: in this day and age? 14 00:00:41,180 --> 00:00:43,729 Speaker 2: I don't think it's necessary to put a time frame 15 00:00:43,740 --> 00:00:46,049 Speaker 2: to marriage? Yeah, because then why do you get married 16 00:00:46,060 --> 00:00:49,900 Speaker 2: in the first place? People who get in a good relationship, 17 00:00:49,909 --> 00:00:54,060 Speaker 2: stay married longer, I suppose. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah. Healthy. 18 00:00:54,069 --> 00:00:57,099 Speaker 1: And for Jane when you met Vernon, right. What about him? 19 00:00:57,110 --> 00:00:59,099 Speaker 1: Shouted at you. Marriage material. 20 00:00:59,209 --> 00:00:59,630 Speaker 2: Handsome. 21 00:01:00,669 --> 00:01:02,599 Speaker 1: No, honestly, nothing. 22 00:01:04,328 --> 00:01:07,598 Speaker 1: No. Honestly, seriously, seriously, you know, when we first met, 23 00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:09,168 Speaker 1: it didn't really occur to me that I was going 24 00:01:09,179 --> 00:01:11,179 Speaker 1: to get married with him. So it's just, you know, 25 00:01:11,188 --> 00:01:14,408 Speaker 1: a dating thing. Yeah. Only like much later on when 26 00:01:14,418 --> 00:01:16,819 Speaker 1: we dated a little bit more seriously. And then I 27 00:01:16,828 --> 00:01:20,028 Speaker 1: thought like it could be in the cards for us. Yeah. 28 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:22,568 Speaker 1: And now they have two kids. Can you believe that? 29 00:01:22,759 --> 00:01:23,219 Speaker 1: I mean, 30 00:01:23,228 --> 00:01:24,158 Speaker 2: very cute kids. 31 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,790 Speaker 2: You know, usually when I go to the bedroom and 32 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,220 Speaker 2: then close the door, what happens inside? Come on, nine 33 00:01:30,230 --> 00:01:30,629 Speaker 2: months later, 34 00:01:32,019 --> 00:01:34,889 Speaker 1: nine months you stay in the bedroom? Oh, ok. Sounds great. 35 00:01:35,419 --> 00:01:38,580 Speaker 1: But today we talk about marriage more specifically something called 36 00:01:38,589 --> 00:01:42,179 Speaker 1: the concept of a 50 50 in marriage, right? This 37 00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:45,269 Speaker 1: can be with regards to responsibility, finance 38 00:01:45,510 --> 00:01:47,009 Speaker 1: and all of that and because none of us are 39 00:01:47,019 --> 00:01:49,760 Speaker 1: married or barely in relationships, so we need to look 40 00:01:49,769 --> 00:01:52,010 Speaker 1: to you guys. So you are our role models for today. 41 00:01:52,019 --> 00:01:55,910 Speaker 1: Please be good one. What a lot of people understand 42 00:01:55,919 --> 00:01:58,949 Speaker 1: of marriage is that responsibilities have to be shared and 43 00:01:58,959 --> 00:02:01,720 Speaker 1: it has to be shared equally. The husband takes 50% 44 00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:04,169 Speaker 1: the wife takes 50%. For example, if the husband cooks, 45 00:02:04,180 --> 00:02:05,819 Speaker 1: then the wife washes the dishes. 46 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,919 Speaker 1: But I don't know if this is the case in 47 00:02:07,930 --> 00:02:10,740 Speaker 1: marriage these days or like, is this really the way 48 00:02:10,750 --> 00:02:13,589 Speaker 1: to run a marriage? I don't think it has ever 49 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:17,279 Speaker 1: existed at all. The 50 50 rule. I think 50 00:02:17,288 --> 00:02:19,929 Speaker 2: some people do that. I feel very sad for them 51 00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:23,169 Speaker 2: though because like, you know, being in a healthy relationship, 52 00:02:23,179 --> 00:02:25,100 Speaker 2: why do you put numbers to things? Why do you 53 00:02:25,110 --> 00:02:27,289 Speaker 2: have 50% of the work? Yeah. Like, 54 00:02:27,550 --> 00:02:29,970 Speaker 2: if you feel you need to wash clothes you can 55 00:02:29,979 --> 00:02:32,130 Speaker 2: wash clothes. Why, why worry about what your spouse is 56 00:02:32,139 --> 00:02:34,080 Speaker 2: doing when you are washing the clothes and why do 57 00:02:34,089 --> 00:02:35,269 Speaker 2: you have to wait for someone else to do it? 58 00:02:35,279 --> 00:02:35,529 Speaker 2: But that's 59 00:02:35,538 --> 00:02:38,389 Speaker 1: the thing. So, some people wonder if it's always me 60 00:02:38,399 --> 00:02:40,389 Speaker 1: who is mopping the floor? When will my other half 61 00:02:40,399 --> 00:02:42,470 Speaker 1: to do it? It's the, that person problems, isn't 62 00:02:42,479 --> 00:02:44,500 Speaker 2: it? Yeah, exactly. I mean, if you feel that the 63 00:02:44,508 --> 00:02:46,860 Speaker 2: floor is dirty, then you mop the floor. If the 64 00:02:46,869 --> 00:02:49,600 Speaker 2: other person doesn't feel that the floor is dirty, then 65 00:02:49,610 --> 00:02:50,459 Speaker 2: they won't mop the floor. 66 00:02:50,899 --> 00:02:53,500 Speaker 1: Ok. So I have a girlfriend, um, she will always 67 00:02:53,508 --> 00:02:55,919 Speaker 1: vacuum the floor. Ok. So she says that that's her 68 00:02:55,929 --> 00:02:58,948 Speaker 1: responsibility and then she just tells her boyfriend, can you 69 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,630 Speaker 1: just please empty the vacuum cleaner? Like that's the least 70 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 1: you can do. Right. So, that was the arrangement. But 71 00:03:04,008 --> 00:03:06,169 Speaker 1: you know what, when the vacuum cleaner is so full 72 00:03:06,179 --> 00:03:08,669 Speaker 1: that all the dust is accumulated inside already, he still 73 00:03:08,679 --> 00:03:12,470 Speaker 1: hasn't emptied it. He, he is. So, now they are 74 00:03:12,479 --> 00:03:12,970 Speaker 1: broken up. 75 00:03:16,610 --> 00:03:20,198 Speaker 2: That's when, you know, that relationship sucks because of a 76 00:03:20,210 --> 00:03:21,389 Speaker 2: vacuum cleaner. It's the 77 00:03:21,399 --> 00:03:23,929 Speaker 1: principle of it though. It's, you know, if I ask 78 00:03:23,940 --> 00:03:27,119 Speaker 1: something of you, my partner, why can't you just do it? 79 00:03:27,130 --> 00:03:28,110 Speaker 1: It's not about $50. 80 00:03:28,529 --> 00:03:31,350 Speaker 2: So, if you have something that you would like your 81 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,039 Speaker 2: partner to do and you ask nicely, then they should 82 00:03:34,050 --> 00:03:36,649 Speaker 2: do it. I mean, ok, maybe in our relationship we 83 00:03:36,660 --> 00:03:38,789 Speaker 2: don't define it by goals. If she wakes up in 84 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,020 Speaker 2: the morning and the house is dirty, she'll do the housework. Oh, yeah. 85 00:03:42,429 --> 00:03:44,690 Speaker 2: You like to do the housework. I generally do most 86 00:03:44,699 --> 00:03:46,770 Speaker 2: of the housework because she looks up. It's around that 87 00:03:46,779 --> 00:03:49,270 Speaker 2: time when she feeds the kids. So I use that 88 00:03:49,279 --> 00:03:51,119 Speaker 2: time to, to do the housework and I like it, 89 00:03:51,210 --> 00:03:53,509 Speaker 2: but I don't expect her like, ok, tomorrow your turn 90 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,190 Speaker 2: like we don't divide, you know, why? 91 00:03:56,330 --> 00:04:01,020 Speaker 1: Why are you? So, yeah, I think it's very toxic 92 00:04:01,029 --> 00:04:03,720 Speaker 1: and it's just very draining to be so calculative. Like a, 93 00:04:03,729 --> 00:04:05,339 Speaker 1: it's your turn today. Why are you not doing it 94 00:04:05,630 --> 00:04:09,520 Speaker 1: instead of using that kind of mentality? To me? It's like, ok, 95 00:04:09,529 --> 00:04:11,210 Speaker 1: I take it as maybe he's busy. I give him 96 00:04:11,220 --> 00:04:13,130 Speaker 1: a better feel that after all, he's my husband, maybe 97 00:04:13,139 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 1: he's just really tired so I'll just take over. It's 98 00:04:15,449 --> 00:04:17,690 Speaker 1: just mopping the floor, it's just doing laundry. It's not 99 00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:20,238 Speaker 1: a big deal. You know, there's like an alternative to 100 00:04:20,250 --> 00:04:23,359 Speaker 1: the 50 50 model. They call it the 100 100 model. 101 00:04:23,450 --> 00:04:24,480 Speaker 1: Each partnership 102 00:04:24,589 --> 00:04:27,678 Speaker 1: be giving 100% regardless of what your partner is giving 103 00:04:27,690 --> 00:04:31,519 Speaker 1: in return and you always give without expecting anything back 104 00:04:31,529 --> 00:04:34,929 Speaker 1: because this is what a relationship is like the 100 100. 105 00:04:34,940 --> 00:04:37,790 Speaker 1: So at home, right. Paint us a picture. Does either 106 00:04:37,799 --> 00:04:38,480 Speaker 1: of you cook. 107 00:04:38,488 --> 00:04:41,209 Speaker 2: She does. I don't. Ok. So she cooks, you don't cook. 108 00:04:41,230 --> 00:04:43,440 Speaker 2: But I try to encourage her not to cook. 109 00:04:44,459 --> 00:04:48,070 Speaker 2: Yeah. Because, no, not because the cooking sucks. I mean, 110 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,320 Speaker 2: she cooks fine. It's just that, it makes her tired 111 00:04:50,329 --> 00:04:52,299 Speaker 2: and it leaves her less time with the kids or 112 00:04:52,309 --> 00:04:55,969 Speaker 2: with me. And time for us especially is very fragile. Um, 113 00:04:55,980 --> 00:04:58,609 Speaker 2: because of our working hours. I wake up really early 114 00:04:58,619 --> 00:05:01,040 Speaker 2: in the day. So I try to have as much 115 00:05:01,049 --> 00:05:02,349 Speaker 2: time in the afternoon to rest 116 00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:04,549 Speaker 2: and then the evenings are spent with the kids. And 117 00:05:04,559 --> 00:05:06,250 Speaker 2: so by the time we put the kids to bed, 118 00:05:06,519 --> 00:05:09,230 Speaker 2: that's our time where we watch TV. We, we talk 119 00:05:09,238 --> 00:05:10,989 Speaker 2: about the day and stuff like that. So, so if 120 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,440 Speaker 2: she cooks, then she'll be really tired and, you know, 121 00:05:13,450 --> 00:05:16,649 Speaker 2: you just don't want tiredness to seep into, to a 122 00:05:16,660 --> 00:05:19,119 Speaker 2: relationship where you're trying to be happy when you have 123 00:05:19,130 --> 00:05:20,260 Speaker 2: alone time. So 124 00:05:20,524 --> 00:05:24,344 Speaker 1: it comes to kids. Traditionally, it usually falls to the mother. Right. 125 00:05:24,355 --> 00:05:26,385 Speaker 1: The mother is the one that has to take care 126 00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:30,204 Speaker 1: of their education after school work. Do you agree? Or 127 00:05:30,214 --> 00:05:32,934 Speaker 1: we don't divide it very clearly. He does have to 128 00:05:32,945 --> 00:05:35,984 Speaker 1: work at night. So I totally understand. So I take 129 00:05:35,994 --> 00:05:38,234 Speaker 1: over but he also understands that I have certain, 130 00:05:38,790 --> 00:05:41,029 Speaker 1: I, I cannot be at home with the kids and 131 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,570 Speaker 1: he also gladly takes over. So there's no like, clear 132 00:05:43,579 --> 00:05:47,089 Speaker 1: definition for us actually. Yeah. The thing. Right. I think 133 00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:51,079 Speaker 1: it's because, you know, they both are very proactive and 134 00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:54,190 Speaker 1: picking up the pieces filling up the gaps. But I 135 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,839 Speaker 1: think this concept of, you know, maybe some people fall 136 00:05:57,850 --> 00:06:01,149 Speaker 1: into this pace of being calculative or, you know, keeping 137 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:05,179 Speaker 1: tabs because one person will just not do it. And 138 00:06:05,260 --> 00:06:05,279 Speaker 1: they 139 00:06:05,339 --> 00:06:08,899 Speaker 2: don't, it sounds like very selfish behavior. If you ask 140 00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:12,019 Speaker 2: me and, you know, to, for you to get into that, 141 00:06:12,299 --> 00:06:14,920 Speaker 2: that situation where you have to be calculated, then why 142 00:06:14,928 --> 00:06:16,989 Speaker 2: were you in the relationship in the first place? You know, 143 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,470 Speaker 2: you got to ask yourself these questions. 144 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:20,260 Speaker 1: Maybe it's kind of a red flag. It's signaling to 145 00:06:20,269 --> 00:06:22,500 Speaker 2: you. Exactly. Yeah. Maybe this is not the right relationship 146 00:06:22,510 --> 00:06:24,779 Speaker 2: to get married in advance and move on to a family, 147 00:06:24,790 --> 00:06:25,279 Speaker 2: you know. Yeah. And 148 00:06:25,290 --> 00:06:27,209 Speaker 1: to be honest, you don't find out about certain habits 149 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:30,308 Speaker 1: until you actually start staying with this person. Right. So 150 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,260 Speaker 1: that can come into play as 151 00:06:31,269 --> 00:06:33,880 Speaker 2: well. I always feel that before you get married, try 152 00:06:33,890 --> 00:06:35,049 Speaker 2: to go habit, not 153 00:06:35,450 --> 00:06:38,029 Speaker 2: permanently, but on a regular basis. So at least, you 154 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,470 Speaker 2: know what you are in store for if you do 155 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:43,579 Speaker 2: eventually marry and, and, you know, live together, you know, 156 00:06:43,589 --> 00:06:44,760 Speaker 2: certain habits that 157 00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:47,540 Speaker 2: some people might not be able to overcome. Some people 158 00:06:47,549 --> 00:06:49,940 Speaker 2: can just, you know, close one eye and get used 159 00:06:49,950 --> 00:06:50,039 Speaker 2: to 160 00:06:50,049 --> 00:06:52,600 Speaker 1: it. I don't think there is like a model per se. Like, 161 00:06:52,609 --> 00:06:55,808 Speaker 1: you know, the ideal relationship, the ideal marriage. But I 162 00:06:55,820 --> 00:06:58,600 Speaker 1: think it's more about your personalities and how you guys 163 00:06:58,609 --> 00:07:01,130 Speaker 1: gel and fit into one another. I think that's more 164 00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:03,989 Speaker 1: important because everybody is different. You cannot go into a 165 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,890 Speaker 1: relationship and expect your other half to be living by 166 00:07:06,899 --> 00:07:09,779 Speaker 1: this 100 100 model, then you will be on this 167 00:07:09,790 --> 00:07:12,700 Speaker 1: and giving a lot. But the other person doesn't understand 168 00:07:12,709 --> 00:07:14,739 Speaker 1: or doesn't agree and 169 00:07:14,910 --> 00:07:18,239 Speaker 1: very tiring. So even if I go in with this ideal, 170 00:07:18,250 --> 00:07:20,170 Speaker 1: it may not work out because the other person just 171 00:07:20,179 --> 00:07:22,760 Speaker 1: doesn't agree. So it also depends. So what would you 172 00:07:22,769 --> 00:07:25,470 Speaker 1: suggest to, like people who are maybe going to get 173 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:27,799 Speaker 1: married out there? What should they expect? 174 00:07:27,809 --> 00:07:31,369 Speaker 2: Drop all your expectations? A lot of people have these 175 00:07:31,380 --> 00:07:33,309 Speaker 2: ideals that I don't know where they get it from 176 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:37,269 Speaker 2: but through looking at other people's relationships or through movies or, 177 00:07:37,279 --> 00:07:39,369 Speaker 2: or things you read and you form these ideas in 178 00:07:39,380 --> 00:07:44,470 Speaker 2: your mind. Oh, my future husband slash wife should be this, this, this, this, this, this, 179 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:44,700 Speaker 2: this 180 00:07:44,790 --> 00:07:47,619 Speaker 2: and this life is very unrealistic because everybody is an individual. 181 00:07:47,630 --> 00:07:50,970 Speaker 2: You will never find one person with all the qualities 182 00:07:50,980 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 2: that you. Yeah, exactly. You know, there's bound to be, 183 00:07:53,609 --> 00:07:55,200 Speaker 2: you know, some things that you have to compromise and 184 00:07:55,209 --> 00:07:57,809 Speaker 2: all that. So I always feel, you know, when, especially 185 00:07:57,820 --> 00:08:00,380 Speaker 2: when it comes to relationships and even in a friend 186 00:08:00,390 --> 00:08:03,630 Speaker 2: relationship as well, like, you know, just a regular normal relationship, 187 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,040 Speaker 2: colleague relationship. If you draw all your ideals, right? And 188 00:08:06,049 --> 00:08:08,570 Speaker 2: willing to be a bit more open. Right? You'll find 189 00:08:08,579 --> 00:08:11,480 Speaker 2: different characteristics that you never thought about when you were 190 00:08:11,489 --> 00:08:14,470 Speaker 2: forming those ideals and you actually might like that characteristic 191 00:08:14,670 --> 00:08:16,500 Speaker 2: better than the ideal that you had in the first 192 00:08:16,510 --> 00:08:19,130 Speaker 1: place. That's true in any working relationship. If you come 193 00:08:19,140 --> 00:08:21,019 Speaker 1: in thinking it's going to be 50 50 you're gonna 194 00:08:21,029 --> 00:08:22,760 Speaker 1: end up disappointed and annoyed. 195 00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:24,700 Speaker 2: I hate to use the cliche think out of the box. 196 00:08:24,709 --> 00:08:27,470 Speaker 2: But if you remove that box, then aren't you more 197 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,399 Speaker 2: open to more things and accepting to, to, you know, 198 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,599 Speaker 2: more people and it just opens up your horizons 199 00:08:32,609 --> 00:08:36,189 Speaker 1: responsibilities, living together. Cohabiting is one thing, right? But there's 200 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,960 Speaker 1: a more sensitive area, obviously in a relationship when it 201 00:08:38,969 --> 00:08:43,539 Speaker 1: comes to finances, finance is always a very sour point 202 00:08:43,549 --> 00:08:44,400 Speaker 1: in any relationship. 203 00:08:44,770 --> 00:08:47,200 Speaker 1: I'll give you an example, right? So recently a bunch 204 00:08:47,210 --> 00:08:49,359 Speaker 1: of my friends came in from out of town. So 205 00:08:49,369 --> 00:08:51,020 Speaker 1: me and my boyfriend brought them out, you know, go 206 00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:53,020 Speaker 1: and drink and have fun and stuff like that. And 207 00:08:53,030 --> 00:08:54,989 Speaker 1: because they are my friends, of course, I'm going to 208 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:55,619 Speaker 1: pay for them, 209 00:08:55,859 --> 00:08:58,460 Speaker 1: but he had intercepted and he got the bill, obviously, 210 00:08:58,469 --> 00:09:00,500 Speaker 1: at this point, you know, alcohol induced. I asked him like, 211 00:09:00,510 --> 00:09:01,869 Speaker 1: why do you get the bill? I wanted to get 212 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,119 Speaker 1: it because they are my friends. I want to get 213 00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:05,569 Speaker 1: the tap. And he said to me, look, you know, 214 00:09:05,580 --> 00:09:07,799 Speaker 1: I obviously make more money than you. I have more 215 00:09:07,809 --> 00:09:10,070 Speaker 1: disposable income. I want to do something nice for you. 216 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,309 Speaker 1: Why is that bad? Finance is a very sensitive thing. 217 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,119 Speaker 1: I was very hurt by that statement. I said just 218 00:09:14,130 --> 00:09:16,150 Speaker 1: because you make more money than me doesn't mean that 219 00:09:16,219 --> 00:09:18,939 Speaker 1: I can't get this tap. But I do understand where 220 00:09:18,950 --> 00:09:19,489 Speaker 1: he's coming from. 221 00:09:19,570 --> 00:09:22,439 Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. It's a sour point. Annoying to have to 222 00:09:22,450 --> 00:09:23,419 Speaker 1: deal with things like that. Yeah. 223 00:09:23,429 --> 00:09:26,090 Speaker 2: But you see, once you start letting these things like 224 00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:29,580 Speaker 2: finances become a problem then they are a problem. If 225 00:09:29,590 --> 00:09:31,219 Speaker 2: you just go, like, oh, you pay for it. Ok, 226 00:09:31,299 --> 00:09:33,359 Speaker 2: I'll get the next one and, you know, just leave 227 00:09:33,369 --> 00:09:35,848 Speaker 2: it if you don't try to read into so many 228 00:09:35,859 --> 00:09:39,159 Speaker 2: things and try to take things less seriously. It would 229 00:09:39,169 --> 00:09:41,359 Speaker 2: have been a very fun occasion and you didn't have 230 00:09:41,369 --> 00:09:45,450 Speaker 2: to pay for your friend. That awesome. Your boy free. 231 00:09:47,729 --> 00:09:49,770 Speaker 1: And would you have considered paying for his friends the 232 00:09:49,780 --> 00:09:51,580 Speaker 1: next time they come into town? Yeah. I mean, I 233 00:09:51,590 --> 00:09:54,000 Speaker 1: just didn't want him to think that I wanted him 234 00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:57,489 Speaker 1: to pay. Right. Yeah, exactly. But finance for a lot 235 00:09:57,500 --> 00:10:00,119 Speaker 1: of married couples, they have like, a shared bank account. 236 00:10:00,130 --> 00:10:02,450 Speaker 1: They do 50 50 every month they put in the same. 237 00:10:02,460 --> 00:10:04,150 Speaker 1: Is that realistic? How can you put in the same 238 00:10:04,159 --> 00:10:04,919 Speaker 1: amount of money? 239 00:10:05,109 --> 00:10:05,940 Speaker 2: I think it's a little 240 00:10:06,015 --> 00:10:08,244 Speaker 2: unrealistic. I mean, having a joint bank account is good, 241 00:10:08,255 --> 00:10:10,984 Speaker 2: especially because of where we live and, and you know, 242 00:10:10,994 --> 00:10:14,414 Speaker 2: a lot of things, uh require money spent and things 243 00:10:14,424 --> 00:10:15,575 Speaker 2: like that, you have to pay for a lot of things. 244 00:10:15,585 --> 00:10:18,184 Speaker 2: But again, to put pressure on yourself to say, oh, 245 00:10:18,195 --> 00:10:21,395 Speaker 2: you have to put in this amount because she's going 246 00:10:21,405 --> 00:10:23,544 Speaker 2: to put in this amount. Then when you fall short 247 00:10:23,554 --> 00:10:24,965 Speaker 2: or your spouse falls short, then, 248 00:10:25,179 --> 00:10:27,709 Speaker 2: then there's a point of contention there. So why don't 249 00:10:27,719 --> 00:10:29,340 Speaker 2: you just try to be as happy as you can 250 00:10:29,349 --> 00:10:31,939 Speaker 2: and do what you can? And I'm sure because it's 251 00:10:31,950 --> 00:10:34,520 Speaker 2: the person you married, they're not gonna like, oh, you 252 00:10:34,530 --> 00:10:37,989 Speaker 2: show me $5 this month, you know, that's it. No TV, 253 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,960 Speaker 2: for you. I mean, that's not gonna happen because of 254 00:10:40,969 --> 00:10:43,728 Speaker 2: a shortfall and obviously there will be a reason for it. 255 00:10:43,739 --> 00:10:45,880 Speaker 2: I mean, of course, if the shortfall came from, I 256 00:10:45,890 --> 00:10:49,119 Speaker 2: went to and I spent all my money on roller 257 00:10:49,130 --> 00:10:50,090 Speaker 2: coaster rides. 258 00:10:50,169 --> 00:10:52,979 Speaker 2: That's all you do. You don't do anything else? You 259 00:10:52,989 --> 00:10:55,760 Speaker 2: know that, then that is a problem. You know, obviously 260 00:10:55,770 --> 00:10:58,169 Speaker 2: it's a different problem. Correct. Yeah, you've over spent somewhere 261 00:10:58,179 --> 00:11:00,280 Speaker 2: and that's why you don't have enough. So I feel 262 00:11:00,289 --> 00:11:02,530 Speaker 2: that to make it work, you shouldn't put too many 263 00:11:02,539 --> 00:11:04,210 Speaker 2: restrictions on yourself. So, do 264 00:11:04,219 --> 00:11:06,848 Speaker 1: you guys mind sharing? How do you handle your finances 265 00:11:06,859 --> 00:11:07,179 Speaker 1: at home? 266 00:11:07,190 --> 00:11:09,309 Speaker 2: My money is her money, her money is her money, 267 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:14,030 Speaker 1: money, money, money is her money. Happy 268 00:11:14,039 --> 00:11:15,000 Speaker 2: wife. Happy life. 269 00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:16,539 Speaker 1: Yeah. 270 00:11:18,169 --> 00:11:21,530 Speaker 1: No, but have you also heard about now, people are 271 00:11:21,539 --> 00:11:25,309 Speaker 1: bringing to light more often about how there is no 272 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:29,409 Speaker 1: 50 50 there's no 100 100. Sometimes I'm a 20 273 00:11:29,590 --> 00:11:32,020 Speaker 1: you should be the 80 for me or today. I 274 00:11:32,030 --> 00:11:34,260 Speaker 1: have a little bit more energy, you know, I had 275 00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:38,140 Speaker 1: a better day. And correct. And so what I can 276 00:11:38,150 --> 00:11:40,919 Speaker 1: bring to the table is maybe 70. And if all 277 00:11:40,929 --> 00:11:43,679 Speaker 1: you can bring is 30 that time, but not every 278 00:11:43,690 --> 00:11:47,150 Speaker 1: day is as realistic as that. Sometimes your days just 279 00:11:47,372 --> 00:11:50,663 Speaker 1: can't form together. Yeah, even if you put yourself together, 280 00:11:50,672 --> 00:11:53,301 Speaker 1: you can't reach 100. Maybe you are 30 today and 281 00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:56,252 Speaker 1: I'm a 20 together we just, I think with finances, 282 00:11:56,263 --> 00:11:58,881 Speaker 1: you know, always gonna be a point. Right. But I, 283 00:11:58,893 --> 00:12:03,023 Speaker 1: I did see sort of like a way to contribute evenly. Right. 284 00:12:03,033 --> 00:12:04,973 Speaker 1: And that involves some math. So you take each of 285 00:12:04,982 --> 00:12:09,283 Speaker 1: your incomes, right? Divided by the total of both incomes 286 00:12:09,293 --> 00:12:11,953 Speaker 1: and you times 100 you get a percentage of how 287 00:12:11,963 --> 00:12:14,992 Speaker 1: each of you should contribute. Ah, yeah. And then you 288 00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:16,482 Speaker 1: take your total shared monthly 289 00:12:16,575 --> 00:12:21,125 Speaker 1: expenses divided by this percentage. This is how much money 290 00:12:21,135 --> 00:12:24,005 Speaker 1: in dollars that you should be contributing every month if 291 00:12:24,015 --> 00:12:26,726 Speaker 1: let's say you have a joint bank account. So it's variable. 292 00:12:26,736 --> 00:12:30,375 Speaker 1: It's not 50 50 right? But here's the thing, I 293 00:12:30,385 --> 00:12:33,325 Speaker 1: would never, if anyone who wants to calculate that way. Yeah, 294 00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:34,165 Speaker 2: exactly. Like is it 295 00:12:36,125 --> 00:12:36,655 Speaker 1: calculate 296 00:12:36,666 --> 00:12:38,995 Speaker 2: this every month? Yeah. Well, some people do it and, and, 297 00:12:39,005 --> 00:12:41,366 Speaker 2: you know, yeah, maybe we're doing it wrong because Singaporeans 298 00:12:41,375 --> 00:12:43,616 Speaker 2: are very rich. They can buy property, they can buy 299 00:12:43,625 --> 00:12:45,684 Speaker 2: car and all that. Which baffles me sometimes. But, 300 00:12:46,070 --> 00:12:48,320 Speaker 2: yeah, I mean, that could be a way to do it. 301 00:12:48,330 --> 00:12:51,039 Speaker 2: Some people are just comfortable doing that but some people aren't, 302 00:12:51,049 --> 00:12:52,869 Speaker 2: there are a lot of ways of doing things, a 303 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:55,580 Speaker 2: lot of solutions to different sets of problems and all that. 304 00:12:55,590 --> 00:12:59,520 Speaker 2: It's just what solution you, you, you adapt to and adopt, 305 00:12:59,530 --> 00:12:59,780 Speaker 2: I suppose. 306 00:13:00,090 --> 00:13:03,609 Speaker 1: Absolutely. There are some, you know, married couples who have 307 00:13:03,619 --> 00:13:06,760 Speaker 1: given some thoughts about 50 50 marriage. Ok. Someone said 308 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,468 Speaker 1: it actually doesn't work for me. What I like is 309 00:13:09,479 --> 00:13:11,468 Speaker 1: the approach where I do the stuff I'm good at 310 00:13:11,489 --> 00:13:13,219 Speaker 1: and he does the stuff that he's good at and 311 00:13:13,229 --> 00:13:15,260 Speaker 1: he enjoys, I'm quite happy to do all 312 00:13:15,359 --> 00:13:18,059 Speaker 1: the cooking. But I, for example, I never put petrol 313 00:13:18,070 --> 00:13:19,699 Speaker 1: in the car because that's something he likes doing, going 314 00:13:19,710 --> 00:13:21,799 Speaker 1: to a petrol station looking around the shop and things 315 00:13:21,809 --> 00:13:24,369 Speaker 1: like that. And I feel like we both feel we 316 00:13:24,380 --> 00:13:27,270 Speaker 1: do more than 50% because we do what we love. Yeah, 317 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:27,289 Speaker 1: I 318 00:13:27,299 --> 00:13:30,330 Speaker 2: like that. And obviously all these things came about because 319 00:13:30,340 --> 00:13:33,580 Speaker 2: the couple sat down and talked about what they're good at, 320 00:13:33,590 --> 00:13:36,539 Speaker 2: which means the lines of communication were very open and, 321 00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:39,239 Speaker 2: and they sat down and talked about it wasn't a no, 322 00:13:39,250 --> 00:13:40,630 Speaker 2: you do this and they wrote it down on a 323 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:43,570 Speaker 2: piece of paper. You know, it literally is a consensus 324 00:13:43,580 --> 00:13:44,530 Speaker 2: between two 325 00:13:44,650 --> 00:13:45,840 Speaker 2: understanding individuals. 326 00:13:45,969 --> 00:13:48,500 Speaker 1: On that note, someone else says on paper, it's easy 327 00:13:48,510 --> 00:13:51,219 Speaker 1: to say 50 50 or to assign like traditional roles 328 00:13:51,229 --> 00:13:53,419 Speaker 1: to each other, right? Like the husband goes to work 329 00:13:53,429 --> 00:13:55,289 Speaker 1: and the wife stays at home. But this is not 330 00:13:55,299 --> 00:13:58,659 Speaker 1: always the case in reality, marriage and relationships fail when 331 00:13:58,669 --> 00:14:01,099 Speaker 1: you confine them to strict rules and I fully agree 332 00:14:01,109 --> 00:14:04,580 Speaker 1: with that. Yeah, sometimes rules bend and you just have 333 00:14:04,590 --> 00:14:06,309 Speaker 1: to go with the flow for the marriage to even 334 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:06,580 Speaker 1: work 335 00:14:06,590 --> 00:14:11,080 Speaker 2: out like the words of Bruce Lee or be like water. Oh, no, really? He, 336 00:14:11,090 --> 00:14:13,260 Speaker 2: he said that and it applies to everything. You know, 337 00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 2: if you not like 338 00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:17,260 Speaker 2: enough to move with the times with different challenges that 339 00:14:17,270 --> 00:14:20,669 Speaker 2: people face in their lives, you can have this set rules, right? 340 00:14:20,679 --> 00:14:25,780 Speaker 2: But something changes, things happen like retrenchments like like natural disasters. 341 00:14:25,789 --> 00:14:27,840 Speaker 2: How are you gonna call what's going to happen? Five 342 00:14:27,849 --> 00:14:29,890 Speaker 2: years down the road? You, you can't, you see. So 343 00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:31,969 Speaker 2: if you can bend like water, then you know, you 344 00:14:31,979 --> 00:14:32,929 Speaker 2: can adapt and you 345 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,359 Speaker 1: sound like you reached enlightenment. Congratulations 346 00:14:37,039 --> 00:14:37,849 Speaker 2: when you old. 347 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,090 Speaker 1: Ok. I'm looking forward to that, 348 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:46,169 Speaker 1: you know, the 50 50 approach, like we say is 349 00:14:46,179 --> 00:14:49,770 Speaker 1: very unrealistic mostly because how do you even determine that 350 00:14:49,780 --> 00:14:51,669 Speaker 1: your partner has met you half way? How do you 351 00:14:51,679 --> 00:14:54,369 Speaker 1: sit and calculate different things? What, what is that 50 352 00:14:54,380 --> 00:14:56,890 Speaker 1: to like? How do you, you can't use a calculator. 353 00:14:56,900 --> 00:14:59,640 Speaker 1: There's no life calculator for that. So it's not possible 354 00:14:59,650 --> 00:15:02,809 Speaker 1: to determine that. And acceptance of this 50 50 is 355 00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:05,049 Speaker 1: based on performance, like, let's say you clean the house, right? 356 00:15:05,059 --> 00:15:06,969 Speaker 1: That's your 50. But you do a shit job. 357 00:15:07,085 --> 00:15:10,156 Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. Is that still meeting your 358 00:15:10,166 --> 00:15:13,926 Speaker 2: partner? I vacuum. But I still, I did. That 359 00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:17,005 Speaker 1: sucks. Oh my God, it's true. But sometimes like, let's 360 00:15:17,015 --> 00:15:19,135 Speaker 1: say if I cook, I don't cook. But if I 361 00:15:19,145 --> 00:15:21,765 Speaker 1: did put my heart and soul into cooking, I would 362 00:15:21,776 --> 00:15:24,296 Speaker 1: expect that you put your heart and soul into eating 363 00:15:25,656 --> 00:15:27,015 Speaker 1: like washing the dishes, making 364 00:15:27,575 --> 00:15:28,565 Speaker 2: sure that 365 00:15:28,976 --> 00:15:30,255 Speaker 1: most times 366 00:15:30,411 --> 00:15:32,512 Speaker 1: you would be disappointed. I guess I learned this, you know, 367 00:15:32,521 --> 00:15:35,521 Speaker 1: from living with my partner, right? I usually keep things 368 00:15:35,531 --> 00:15:38,021 Speaker 1: very clean around the place like, you know, um but 369 00:15:38,031 --> 00:15:40,661 Speaker 1: guys being guys, they like to throw everything, one underwear here, 370 00:15:40,671 --> 00:15:44,062 Speaker 1: one t-shirt there and I got upset because I expected 371 00:15:44,072 --> 00:15:45,671 Speaker 1: him to do the same that I did, which was 372 00:15:45,682 --> 00:15:48,651 Speaker 1: keep the space clean. But when you have the expectation, 373 00:15:48,731 --> 00:15:49,461 Speaker 1: you're disappointed. 374 00:15:50,151 --> 00:15:52,452 Speaker 2: Again, expectations will ruin everything. So, what 375 00:15:52,461 --> 00:15:53,561 Speaker 1: I do is I clean up. 376 00:15:54,030 --> 00:15:56,919 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. But does it take a toll on you though? No, 377 00:15:56,929 --> 00:15:59,750 Speaker 1: it's ok. He doesn't mind the messy stuff, but I 378 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,940 Speaker 1: want it clean and I will do that for him 379 00:16:01,950 --> 00:16:03,460 Speaker 1: and he does other things for me. I think it 380 00:16:03,469 --> 00:16:06,780 Speaker 1: was also about picking your battles. Like is he really 381 00:16:06,789 --> 00:16:10,159 Speaker 1: worth fighting or arguing over something as small as leaving 382 00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:13,520 Speaker 1: your clothes on the floor or not keeping things. I mean, 383 00:16:13,530 --> 00:16:16,250 Speaker 1: there's a bigger picture. I mean, definitely we have our 384 00:16:16,260 --> 00:16:17,859 Speaker 1: disagreements from time to time, 385 00:16:17,950 --> 00:16:21,030 Speaker 1: but we do think about like, what's the bigger picture like? 386 00:16:21,039 --> 00:16:23,320 Speaker 1: Is this gonna affect anything in the future? Is this 387 00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:25,989 Speaker 1: like cup that's not been washed for like days? Is 388 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,200 Speaker 1: it gonna affect anything? No, then just leave it. It's ok. 389 00:16:29,210 --> 00:16:30,960 Speaker 1: I'll just wash it or just remind him, can you 390 00:16:30,969 --> 00:16:31,859 Speaker 1: please go wash? I'll 391 00:16:31,869 --> 00:16:34,270 Speaker 2: throw away the cup. Buy a new one 392 00:16:36,750 --> 00:16:38,710 Speaker 1: right there. Remind me to go through your trash bin. 393 00:16:38,719 --> 00:16:40,979 Speaker 1: Sounds like there's a lot of valuable stuff in there 394 00:16:41,020 --> 00:16:41,719 Speaker 1: a lot. 395 00:16:42,190 --> 00:16:46,960 Speaker 1: What was your last argument? I mean, we, yeah, 396 00:16:46,969 --> 00:16:51,409 Speaker 2: we don't have major meltdown arguments. Yeah, we we about small, 397 00:16:51,419 --> 00:16:54,570 Speaker 2: small things healthy actually. Yeah, because once you get out 398 00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:56,909 Speaker 2: of the way, then it's done already. Yeah. As long 399 00:16:56,919 --> 00:16:58,590 Speaker 2: as you understand, both points of view, you don't have 400 00:16:58,599 --> 00:17:00,789 Speaker 2: to agree at the end of an argument, right? I 401 00:17:00,799 --> 00:17:02,400 Speaker 2: can still think that I'm right and she can still 402 00:17:02,409 --> 00:17:04,719 Speaker 2: think that she's right. But as long as we see 403 00:17:04,729 --> 00:17:08,579 Speaker 2: each other's point and we feel it's not unreasonable then. 404 00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:10,709 Speaker 2: Yeah. Ok. Let's move on, you know, like I will 405 00:17:10,719 --> 00:17:14,150 Speaker 2: try to do whatever it takes to make you happier 406 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,500 Speaker 2: and vice versa as well. She will do the same 407 00:17:16,510 --> 00:17:17,219 Speaker 2: for me. So 408 00:17:18,290 --> 00:17:20,260 Speaker 1: for example, like what what kind of like small, small 409 00:17:20,270 --> 00:17:23,760 Speaker 1: things like the cup was just a very random, very random. 410 00:17:23,770 --> 00:17:25,089 Speaker 1: It's not, it's not a true story. Right? 411 00:17:26,348 --> 00:17:28,989 Speaker 1: What do we bicker about? I don't know, man, it's 412 00:17:28,999 --> 00:17:33,138 Speaker 1: just like in the moment things like you just don't remember. Actually, 413 00:17:33,148 --> 00:17:36,009 Speaker 1: this comes with fighting too, right? As couples, you definitely 414 00:17:36,019 --> 00:17:41,359 Speaker 1: do disagree on things. If one person is always taking it, 415 00:17:41,369 --> 00:17:43,749 Speaker 1: like the other person is always right and one person 416 00:17:43,759 --> 00:17:46,029 Speaker 1: is always in the wrong, walking away from an argument. 417 00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:48,759 Speaker 1: I don't think that's fair in this situation. I think 418 00:17:48,769 --> 00:17:50,888 Speaker 1: 50 50 would be a better approach. 419 00:17:51,593 --> 00:17:56,113 Speaker 2: Sure. But again, you're trying to put numbers to, to 420 00:17:56,123 --> 00:17:59,071 Speaker 2: an equation where it really isn't an equation. It's a 421 00:17:59,083 --> 00:18:01,942 Speaker 2: natural thing where like I said, life happens and different 422 00:18:01,953 --> 00:18:04,652 Speaker 2: scenarios happen. How do you put numbers to it? Not 423 00:18:04,662 --> 00:18:08,113 Speaker 2: that I hate numbers, although I hate math. But yeah. Yeah. 424 00:18:08,123 --> 00:18:10,483 Speaker 2: You know, but like I said, you know, drawing lines 425 00:18:10,493 --> 00:18:13,772 Speaker 2: and circles and, and adding boundaries to, to your everyday 426 00:18:13,782 --> 00:18:15,483 Speaker 2: life kind of sucks. You know, I mean, we, we 427 00:18:15,493 --> 00:18:16,743 Speaker 2: all hate the rules in school. 428 00:18:16,836 --> 00:18:19,546 Speaker 2: We all have some disagreements with rules that the government 429 00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:21,686 Speaker 2: gives you. So we all don't like it. But so 430 00:18:21,696 --> 00:18:24,205 Speaker 2: when you start doing that in your household, imagine living 431 00:18:24,215 --> 00:18:26,254 Speaker 2: your whole life with all these set of rules that 432 00:18:26,265 --> 00:18:29,035 Speaker 2: you don't agree with. It makes you very angry person 433 00:18:29,046 --> 00:18:32,455 Speaker 2: as well. I feel, yeah, removing certain rules that really 434 00:18:32,465 --> 00:18:35,095 Speaker 2: don't make a difference to your life, kind of makes 435 00:18:35,105 --> 00:18:36,725 Speaker 2: things better and you want to be at home, you 436 00:18:36,734 --> 00:18:38,095 Speaker 2: want to be your kids, you want to be your 437 00:18:38,105 --> 00:18:38,706 Speaker 2: wife and 438 00:18:38,715 --> 00:18:40,455 Speaker 1: sounds like marriage is hard work. 439 00:18:42,449 --> 00:18:44,839 Speaker 1: I can already think of so many of my friends 440 00:18:44,849 --> 00:18:47,479 Speaker 1: out there who, like, the wife wants the place to 441 00:18:47,489 --> 00:18:49,729 Speaker 1: be like, neat and tidy. Right. And she doesn't want 442 00:18:49,739 --> 00:18:52,969 Speaker 1: to put any pressure on the husband. But if she doesn't, 443 00:18:52,979 --> 00:18:55,659 Speaker 1: the husband really does not do anything and then all 444 00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:58,300 Speaker 1: the work will fall on her shoulders and then that's 445 00:18:58,310 --> 00:18:59,430 Speaker 1: going to be, like, so tough. 446 00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:03,270 Speaker 2: But, yeah, I mean, yeah, it's things that people in 447 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,400 Speaker 2: a relationship should try to work out and, 448 00:19:05,750 --> 00:19:08,609 Speaker 2: and not get angry with the quantifying what kind of 449 00:19:08,619 --> 00:19:11,579 Speaker 2: work each other does. Like I said, if your friend 450 00:19:11,589 --> 00:19:14,369 Speaker 2: really hates a messy house, then she has to make 451 00:19:14,380 --> 00:19:14,560 Speaker 2: it not 452 00:19:14,569 --> 00:19:19,229 Speaker 1: messy or maybe hire a cleaner outsource, always outsource. 453 00:19:19,729 --> 00:19:20,599 Speaker 2: It's a very 454 00:19:20,709 --> 00:19:23,780 Speaker 1: good when you do have bad days and when you 455 00:19:23,790 --> 00:19:25,920 Speaker 1: both have bad days and you don't have enough to 456 00:19:25,930 --> 00:19:28,099 Speaker 1: bring to the table. What happens then? 457 00:19:28,182 --> 00:19:31,192 Speaker 1: Because while you're having a bad day, sometimes you expect 458 00:19:31,203 --> 00:19:33,821 Speaker 1: your partner to make it better for you, but they're 459 00:19:33,833 --> 00:19:35,512 Speaker 1: having a bad day too. Maybe not just you, two, 460 00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:36,112 Speaker 1: your kids as 461 00:19:36,123 --> 00:19:41,113 Speaker 2: well. Yeah, exactly. So, you talk about four very different individuals, 462 00:19:41,123 --> 00:19:43,672 Speaker 2: all with their own mindset and other things. So, it's 463 00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:46,593 Speaker 2: almost a perfect ingredients for chaos. But like Jane said, 464 00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:48,792 Speaker 2: you got to pick your battles. I mean, even if 465 00:19:48,802 --> 00:19:50,532 Speaker 2: you're having a bad, I've said this from 466 00:19:50,615 --> 00:19:53,225 Speaker 2: the beginning of my career till now and I practice 467 00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:55,125 Speaker 2: this on a daily basis. If I'm having a bad day, 468 00:19:55,135 --> 00:19:56,676 Speaker 2: I'll never go on air and turning on the mic 469 00:19:56,686 --> 00:19:58,916 Speaker 2: and saying I'm having a terrible day. I'm not gonna 470 00:19:58,926 --> 00:20:00,625 Speaker 2: take phone calls. I'm not gonna talk to you. I 471 00:20:00,635 --> 00:20:02,845 Speaker 2: put it aside and do a good show because that's 472 00:20:02,855 --> 00:20:04,815 Speaker 2: my job to entertain people and it should be the 473 00:20:04,826 --> 00:20:06,826 Speaker 2: same in your house as well. Like, but I'm having 474 00:20:06,836 --> 00:20:08,286 Speaker 2: a bad day. I'm not gonna take it out of her. 475 00:20:08,296 --> 00:20:10,465 Speaker 2: She's not the reason why I'm having a bad day 476 00:20:10,475 --> 00:20:12,815 Speaker 2: unless she is like then I'll go out. But 477 00:20:13,239 --> 00:20:15,989 Speaker 2: yeah, but usually it's not like people like to blame 478 00:20:16,130 --> 00:20:20,089 Speaker 2: something that happened to them on, on the way they behave. 479 00:20:20,099 --> 00:20:22,530 Speaker 2: But you don't have to behave like that unless you, 480 00:20:22,540 --> 00:20:26,410 Speaker 2: you're dealing with the problem head on then. Yeah, sure. 481 00:20:26,420 --> 00:20:28,170 Speaker 2: You blow up, you get angry and all that with 482 00:20:28,180 --> 00:20:30,089 Speaker 2: the problem, not the people around you. 483 00:20:30,099 --> 00:20:33,750 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think because we compartmentalize our feelings. I don't 484 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:35,540 Speaker 1: know if that's a good or bad thing but we 485 00:20:35,550 --> 00:20:36,550 Speaker 1: do that like 486 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:39,489 Speaker 1: if I have a bad day, I don't bring it home. 487 00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:42,319 Speaker 1: I just leave it and because I know he's not 488 00:20:42,329 --> 00:20:44,520 Speaker 1: the source, the cause of my bad day. My kids 489 00:20:44,530 --> 00:20:46,609 Speaker 1: are not the cause of it. So why should they 490 00:20:46,619 --> 00:20:50,010 Speaker 1: suffer the consequences for it? So I just try to 491 00:20:50,020 --> 00:20:51,750 Speaker 1: put it aside and just move forward with my day 492 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:52,630 Speaker 1: because there's nothing I can do 493 00:20:52,694 --> 00:20:54,905 Speaker 1: about it anymore. Just move on. But of course I 494 00:20:54,915 --> 00:20:56,795 Speaker 1: will run to him and like complain like what I 495 00:20:56,805 --> 00:20:58,974 Speaker 1: had a really bad day, this happened, that happened, but 496 00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:01,704 Speaker 1: he will just listen and you know, after that just 497 00:21:01,714 --> 00:21:04,704 Speaker 1: move on because there's no point in harping and like, 498 00:21:04,714 --> 00:21:07,395 Speaker 1: just throwing everything on him, it just makes him feel 499 00:21:07,405 --> 00:21:08,385 Speaker 1: bad at the end of the day. 500 00:21:08,670 --> 00:21:11,339 Speaker 1: That's true. Your partner is not your emotional punching bag 501 00:21:11,349 --> 00:21:15,399 Speaker 1: at the end of the day. So renting is quite nice. 502 00:21:17,310 --> 00:21:19,099 Speaker 1: Anything anyone wants to rent about 503 00:21:21,369 --> 00:21:23,198 Speaker 2: www dot R dot com? 504 00:21:23,739 --> 00:21:25,670 Speaker 1: Ok. I feel like we have heard so much from 505 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,520 Speaker 1: like Vernon and Jean. But girls, what about you? We 506 00:21:28,530 --> 00:21:30,270 Speaker 1: have been in a few relationships. What are some of 507 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,978 Speaker 1: the good habits that we think we will bring to 508 00:21:32,989 --> 00:21:36,890 Speaker 1: our marriage next time? From your vast relationship experience? I'm sorry, 509 00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:40,989 Speaker 1: any good habits or one or two that not to do? 510 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:46,030 Speaker 1: I think I'm a very happy person. You are, darling. 511 00:21:46,660 --> 00:21:50,879 Speaker 1: You are. And I think that in itself, I save 512 00:21:50,890 --> 00:21:53,959 Speaker 1: you a little headache. You know, of which, like, nothing 513 00:21:53,969 --> 00:21:57,020 Speaker 1: is really too big an issue. Nothing is insurmountable. Yeah, 514 00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:59,540 Speaker 1: I think I've seen this somewhere. I read somewhere of 515 00:21:59,550 --> 00:22:01,489 Speaker 1: which they said, like, the first thing that you need 516 00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:03,609 Speaker 1: to have your partner is empathy and I think when 517 00:22:03,619 --> 00:22:06,729 Speaker 1: you don't have that, uh, of which you can't at 518 00:22:06,739 --> 00:22:08,959 Speaker 1: least feel for what they're feeling or what they're going 519 00:22:08,969 --> 00:22:11,310 Speaker 1: through because, like, in the case of the messy. 520 00:22:11,550 --> 00:22:13,819 Speaker 1: Right. She doesn't like the house messy, she cleaned up 521 00:22:13,829 --> 00:22:16,390 Speaker 1: because she's the one who can't stand it. But if 522 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:20,380 Speaker 1: the partner knew that she gets upset by a messy house, 523 00:22:20,390 --> 00:22:22,669 Speaker 1: as much as I don't care if it's messy, you 524 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,000 Speaker 1: would do a little bit. You know what I mean? 525 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,139 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true. Yeah. It's a two way street. It 526 00:22:26,180 --> 00:22:28,319 Speaker 2: cannot be just. How about you? 527 00:22:28,329 --> 00:22:31,300 Speaker 1: For me, at this point in my life, I think 528 00:22:31,310 --> 00:22:35,160 Speaker 1: being happy is the most important. If certain lifestyle habits 529 00:22:35,170 --> 00:22:36,159 Speaker 1: don't align, 530 00:22:36,430 --> 00:22:40,160 Speaker 1: I would say don't push it before you step into marriage. 531 00:22:40,170 --> 00:22:42,030 Speaker 1: Recognize that and see if you want to take a 532 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,479 Speaker 1: step back or if you can accept it and just, 533 00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:45,569 Speaker 1: you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't 534 00:22:45,579 --> 00:22:48,979 Speaker 2: do it because your friends are doing it because your 535 00:22:48,989 --> 00:22:52,069 Speaker 2: BT O is coming. You know, those are just bad 536 00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:54,839 Speaker 2: reasons to commit to a relationship. And I taught you 537 00:22:54,849 --> 00:22:55,419 Speaker 2: this lesson 538 00:22:55,484 --> 00:22:58,264 Speaker 2: the first time I met you and obviously you don't 539 00:22:58,275 --> 00:23:02,665 Speaker 2: remember it. I think the most important lesson that anyone 540 00:23:02,675 --> 00:23:04,774 Speaker 2: can learn and I think not enough people do it 541 00:23:04,785 --> 00:23:07,354 Speaker 2: is to listen, be open to listening. Don't, you know, 542 00:23:07,364 --> 00:23:09,563 Speaker 2: be in your own world. And not pay attention to 543 00:23:09,574 --> 00:23:11,824 Speaker 2: what's going on around you. Especially from your partner, because 544 00:23:11,925 --> 00:23:13,823 Speaker 2: the minute you start listening to your partner, then you 545 00:23:13,834 --> 00:23:14,385 Speaker 2: will know 546 00:23:14,780 --> 00:23:18,319 Speaker 2: what is a bothering her, what she likes, what the 547 00:23:18,329 --> 00:23:20,859 Speaker 2: conversation that interests her is about. All you need to 548 00:23:20,869 --> 00:23:23,020 Speaker 2: do is just listen, you don't even have to participate. 549 00:23:23,030 --> 00:23:25,849 Speaker 2: You don't even have to have mind blowing comments about 550 00:23:25,859 --> 00:23:27,949 Speaker 2: anything as long as you are listening and you're understanding 551 00:23:27,959 --> 00:23:30,129 Speaker 2: what your partner is trying to say. Then half the 552 00:23:30,140 --> 00:23:30,849 Speaker 2: battle is won. 553 00:23:30,944 --> 00:23:33,185 Speaker 2: You can move on from there and do things in 554 00:23:33,194 --> 00:23:35,275 Speaker 2: your life that you feel will be meaningful to yourself 555 00:23:35,285 --> 00:23:37,984 Speaker 2: and for your partner as well. I wasn't listening. 556 00:23:39,405 --> 00:23:41,834 Speaker 1: No recollection. Are you? Yes. 557 00:23:41,935 --> 00:23:43,864 Speaker 2: Yes. You, you still not married 558 00:23:45,724 --> 00:23:46,795 Speaker 1: me in five years. 559 00:23:47,900 --> 00:23:50,639 Speaker 1: Ok. This statement, right? This is quite a big statement. 560 00:23:50,650 --> 00:23:52,750 Speaker 1: It pertains to marriage, but maybe not so much of 561 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,448 Speaker 1: the 50 50 but it's a big debate is love 562 00:23:55,459 --> 00:23:57,780 Speaker 1: enough for marriage. Oh my gosh, that you love 563 00:23:57,790 --> 00:24:00,560 Speaker 2: each other. What I think there are too many external 564 00:24:00,569 --> 00:24:03,629 Speaker 2: forces of nature that surround two people in a relationship. 565 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,709 Speaker 2: You know what if we were in love with each other? 566 00:24:05,719 --> 00:24:08,969 Speaker 2: But her parents violently objected to us getting married. You know, 567 00:24:08,979 --> 00:24:11,349 Speaker 2: that would have been a problem. And if we decided 568 00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:13,619 Speaker 2: to ourselves, let's elope now because 569 00:24:13,696 --> 00:24:16,456 Speaker 2: we love each other and let's just forget about our parents. 570 00:24:16,597 --> 00:24:18,416 Speaker 2: It's going to come back one day and bite you 571 00:24:18,427 --> 00:24:21,107 Speaker 2: in the ass because, you know, obviously her parents being 572 00:24:21,116 --> 00:24:23,035 Speaker 2: her parents, she's gonna miss her parents. But love is 573 00:24:23,046 --> 00:24:27,266 Speaker 2: part of the major ingredient for, for a successful marriage or, 574 00:24:27,276 --> 00:24:30,146 Speaker 2: or a successful relationship. But I don't think it's the 575 00:24:30,156 --> 00:24:33,587 Speaker 2: only thing you, you can, you know, look at before 576 00:24:33,597 --> 00:24:35,686 Speaker 2: you get into a relationship or you get married. I 577 00:24:35,696 --> 00:24:37,957 Speaker 1: have to say, I agree though. Like love alone cannot 578 00:24:37,967 --> 00:24:39,646 Speaker 1: sustain a marriage or 579 00:24:39,723 --> 00:24:45,023 Speaker 1: relationship, reality habits, finances phase of life, everything else comes 580 00:24:45,034 --> 00:24:47,823 Speaker 1: into play. And you just got to recognize as much 581 00:24:47,833 --> 00:24:49,943 Speaker 1: as like being in love is a happy feeling. But 582 00:24:49,953 --> 00:24:53,323 Speaker 1: these other factors also will come in and like you said, 583 00:24:53,563 --> 00:24:56,784 Speaker 1: the s so clearly serious thought has 584 00:24:56,792 --> 00:24:59,004 Speaker 2: to be given. No. Imagine we love each other but 585 00:24:59,013 --> 00:25:01,573 Speaker 2: she's terrible and very mean to my mom 586 00:25:05,811 --> 00:25:09,541 Speaker 2: hypothesizing, right? Because you're in love, I tell myself no, no, no, 587 00:25:09,551 --> 00:25:10,840 Speaker 2: I love her too much. I'm going to get in 588 00:25:10,850 --> 00:25:13,301 Speaker 2: a relationship again. It's gonna come back and, you know, 589 00:25:13,311 --> 00:25:17,201 Speaker 2: eventually one day you will fall out of love because 590 00:25:17,211 --> 00:25:18,760 Speaker 2: of problems like that. So 591 00:25:18,770 --> 00:25:22,490 Speaker 1: love can only bring you this far, like 2030 years 592 00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:25,301 Speaker 1: of marriage. There's still love there. But is it gonna 593 00:25:25,311 --> 00:25:25,561 Speaker 1: be I 594 00:25:25,571 --> 00:25:28,330 Speaker 2: love money? But i it doesn't fall from the sky 595 00:25:28,340 --> 00:25:28,711 Speaker 2: from me. 596 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:30,240 Speaker 1: You marry money. 597 00:25:30,681 --> 00:25:30,961 Speaker 2: Yeah, 598 00:25:32,439 --> 00:25:33,250 Speaker 2: I will put in 599 00:25:33,339 --> 00:25:38,800 Speaker 1: money maintaining this like sense of fairness in marriage. It 600 00:25:38,810 --> 00:25:41,280 Speaker 1: may not even be, you know, you want it to 601 00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:43,770 Speaker 1: be fair. Like, like Vernon and Jane have said, throw 602 00:25:43,780 --> 00:25:46,290 Speaker 1: that whole rulebook out. Don't think about it as 50 603 00:25:46,300 --> 00:25:48,239 Speaker 1: 50 don't think about it as you both have to 604 00:25:48,250 --> 00:25:51,800 Speaker 1: contribute some sort of, you know, equal amount. Right. So, 605 00:25:51,810 --> 00:25:54,390 Speaker 1: what would you say to people that, you know, are 606 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,569 Speaker 1: struggling with that in a relationship or in a marriage? Even? 607 00:25:57,630 --> 00:25:57,739 Speaker 1: Maybe 608 00:25:57,819 --> 00:26:01,030 Speaker 1: one person is constantly contributing way more than the other. 609 00:26:01,050 --> 00:26:04,239 Speaker 1: They just, they're just stuck in that mindset, right? But 610 00:26:04,250 --> 00:26:07,079 Speaker 1: they still want this marriage, they still want this family. Yeah, 611 00:26:07,089 --> 00:26:10,050 Speaker 1: I think you just have to let go of the expectations, 612 00:26:10,060 --> 00:26:13,169 Speaker 1: the ideas that you have that you hold and expect 613 00:26:13,180 --> 00:26:15,719 Speaker 1: that your partner is going to do this, contribute that 614 00:26:15,729 --> 00:26:18,020 Speaker 1: I feel it's just really unhealthy for yourself and for 615 00:26:18,030 --> 00:26:20,630 Speaker 1: your partner because after that, you're just going to start 616 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,030 Speaker 1: manifesting it in your actions and it will just 617 00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:26,339 Speaker 1: in everything that you do, like you start throwing temper 618 00:26:26,349 --> 00:26:28,030 Speaker 1: and like, you know, you will be so angry as 619 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:30,550 Speaker 1: a person and you will be so unpleasant to be around, right? 620 00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:33,020 Speaker 1: And your partner will definitely see that. And then, you know, 621 00:26:33,030 --> 00:26:37,040 Speaker 1: it just has so many like consequences just because of 622 00:26:37,060 --> 00:26:40,459 Speaker 1: something you cannot let go, like such as your expectations. 623 00:26:40,469 --> 00:26:42,810 Speaker 1: It's very easy for us to say just let go, right. 624 00:26:42,819 --> 00:26:45,750 Speaker 1: But to do it is another thing. So it takes 625 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:48,579 Speaker 1: a lot of mental training, a lot of thinking 626 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,349 Speaker 1: a lot of time to change your perspective in order 627 00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:53,569 Speaker 1: to let go of your expectations of you 628 00:26:53,579 --> 00:26:58,489 Speaker 2: manifest is the buzzword for 2023 Manifest. But, but yeah, no, 629 00:26:58,500 --> 00:27:00,198 Speaker 2: I mean, like you really got to find out what 630 00:27:00,209 --> 00:27:02,040 Speaker 2: the root of your problem is. What is that thing 631 00:27:02,050 --> 00:27:05,199 Speaker 2: that you dislike about your relationship? And then ask yourself 632 00:27:05,209 --> 00:27:09,208 Speaker 2: whether is that something I'm willing to, you know, overcome, 633 00:27:09,219 --> 00:27:12,219 Speaker 2: you know, forget about like, get over all. I will 634 00:27:12,229 --> 00:27:15,619 Speaker 2: not compromise on my principles. And I have to be 635 00:27:15,630 --> 00:27:18,189 Speaker 2: steadfast and protect this thing that I really want. 636 00:27:18,449 --> 00:27:21,540 Speaker 2: And if your partner disagrees, then you really have to 637 00:27:21,550 --> 00:27:23,410 Speaker 2: think about your relationship. I mean, you know, there's no 638 00:27:23,420 --> 00:27:25,819 Speaker 2: two ways about it because if you're going to be stubborn, 639 00:27:25,829 --> 00:27:28,089 Speaker 2: then stubbornness is a brick wall, you're just going to 640 00:27:28,099 --> 00:27:30,469 Speaker 2: keep running against a brick wall. And if you cannot 641 00:27:30,479 --> 00:27:32,300 Speaker 2: do that for the rest of your life, you're gonna 642 00:27:32,310 --> 00:27:32,448 Speaker 2: get 643 00:27:32,459 --> 00:27:34,380 Speaker 1: injured. Actually. In fact, I do think if you take 644 00:27:34,390 --> 00:27:36,079 Speaker 1: a bigger picture at it, right. 645 00:27:36,145 --> 00:27:39,415 Speaker 1: Your mindset about this whole like marriage, 50 50 100 646 00:27:39,425 --> 00:27:42,714 Speaker 1: 100 whatever it is, this could also be a misalignment. 647 00:27:42,724 --> 00:27:44,984 Speaker 1: This could cause you to break up. It, it's the 648 00:27:44,994 --> 00:27:46,675 Speaker 1: same as I want kids. I don't want kids. It's 649 00:27:46,685 --> 00:27:49,125 Speaker 1: a very big thing because it applies to all parts 650 00:27:49,135 --> 00:27:51,265 Speaker 2: of your relationship. No, I was gonna also add on 651 00:27:51,275 --> 00:27:53,775 Speaker 2: that mindset like principles and ideas on that 652 00:27:54,180 --> 00:27:57,589 Speaker 2: will change. It's one thing one day and 5, 10 653 00:27:57,599 --> 00:27:59,339 Speaker 2: years down the road, it can be something else. And 654 00:27:59,349 --> 00:28:01,069 Speaker 2: this is where love comes in because if the love 655 00:28:01,079 --> 00:28:03,609 Speaker 2: is very strong and you really love this person, then 656 00:28:03,619 --> 00:28:08,109 Speaker 2: your ideals can change. It's not set in stone. It's 657 00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:11,689 Speaker 2: really what you're willing or unwilling to do. That really 658 00:28:11,699 --> 00:28:14,760 Speaker 2: determines whether you, you're in a good relationship or a 659 00:28:14,770 --> 00:28:17,209 Speaker 2: good marriage or Thank you Confucius. 660 00:28:21,579 --> 00:28:23,540 Speaker 1: Yeah. So before we wrap up this episode, right? I 661 00:28:23,550 --> 00:28:26,270 Speaker 1: just want to share some quotes um by some people 662 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,390 Speaker 1: out there that I feel like can help marriages. This 663 00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,800 Speaker 1: person called Gary Chapman once said that marriages are in 664 00:28:30,810 --> 00:28:34,770 Speaker 1: a perpetual state of transition, continually moving from one season 665 00:28:34,780 --> 00:28:38,410 Speaker 1: to another, perhaps not annually as in nature, but certainly 666 00:28:38,420 --> 00:28:42,010 Speaker 1: and consistently. And the cycle repeats itself many times throughout 667 00:28:42,020 --> 00:28:44,540 Speaker 1: the life of a marriage. So just be prepared that 668 00:28:44,550 --> 00:28:47,770 Speaker 1: you have to go through the same thing again and again, 669 00:28:47,969 --> 00:28:49,709 Speaker 1: then it's up to your mindset and how you want 670 00:28:49,719 --> 00:28:53,140 Speaker 1: to handle this situation, right? That's your dedication to spending 671 00:28:53,150 --> 00:28:56,359 Speaker 1: a life together, right? And marriage may not always be 672 00:28:56,369 --> 00:29:01,089 Speaker 1: 50 50 but divorce is 50 50. So think about that. No, 673 00:29:01,099 --> 00:29:05,619 Speaker 2: it's not actually depending on the circumstance. Yeah. 674 00:29:08,069 --> 00:29:10,109 Speaker 1: So with that, thank you so much, Brendan and Jane 675 00:29:10,119 --> 00:29:12,760 Speaker 1: for joining us for this episode of slash podcast. 676 00:29:13,010 --> 00:29:15,869 Speaker 2: Thank you for having us. It's not every day that 677 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,290 Speaker 2: I sit next to a beautiful woman like so many 678 00:29:18,310 --> 00:29:18,420 Speaker 2: years 679 00:29:20,859 --> 00:29:22,780 Speaker 1: like that. So, you know, 680 00:29:23,489 --> 00:29:23,520 Speaker 2: I 681 00:29:24,119 --> 00:29:27,640 Speaker 1: he's a serious guy. He's not funny at all. Well, 682 00:29:27,650 --> 00:29:29,550 Speaker 1: thank you so much for tuning in and if you 683 00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:32,000 Speaker 1: want to check out their beautiful faces, you know, come 684 00:29:32,010 --> 00:29:34,520 Speaker 1: on to youtube. Follow us on Instagram at is Clav 685 00:29:34,650 --> 00:29:36,469 Speaker 1: dot co for latest updates. That's right. You can listen 686 00:29:36,479 --> 00:29:38,630 Speaker 1: to us on me, listen, Apple Podcast as well as 687 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:41,969 Speaker 1: Spotify and turn on your notifications. Ok? Thanks guys. Thank 688 00:29:41,979 --> 00:29:42,739 Speaker 1: you so much.