Speaker 1: Hi, Ciso. Hey, Cesura and I'm Tremaine and welcome back
Speaker 1: to another episode of Cle Hash Pods.
Speaker 1: I'm someone who tends to romanticize life a lot. You are.
Speaker 1: Do you know what that is? It's like when a
Speaker 1: guy does something for me, like when he opens the
Speaker 1: door for me, I told you guys this before, when
Speaker 1: I was 14 and a guy opened the door for me.
Speaker 1: I fell in love and I love this guy for
Speaker 1: like one year. But apparently some people would now scold
Speaker 1: me
Speaker 1: and say, how can you reward the bare minimum? Like
Speaker 1: it's his job to open the door for a girl.
Speaker 1: It's what's expected of like a gentleman or that's what
Speaker 1: they say, right? And I think I tend to romanticize
Speaker 1: it a bit too much. But here's what I think
Speaker 1: this is what the movies have been teaching us, right?
Speaker 1: Dramas have been teaching us. But
Speaker 1: when it comes to like actual life, how many people
Speaker 1: actually open the doors for women? Fight someone fall.
Speaker 2: Why
Speaker 1: for not opening the door for you? No,
Speaker 2: because the person was like, you can't expect reality to
Speaker 2: be like the movies. And I was like, why
Speaker 2: not
Speaker 1: a zero delusional go. That's
Speaker 1: no.
Speaker 2: But actually though, like, ok, I'm not saying like, you know,
Speaker 2: run to each other in the rain or whatever, but
Speaker 2: certain things, I don't think they're wrong for you to
Speaker 2: want them. Ok.
Speaker 1: So
Speaker 1: this is exactly what we're going to discuss today. Ok.
Speaker 1: What is the lulu in this society? Is the,
Speaker 1: yeah, are we expecting too much or are we just
Speaker 1: barely hitting the bare minimum? Absolutely. So this idea of
Speaker 1: a bare minimum relationship, right? Or actions that are the
Speaker 1: bare minimum? What does that mean to you? Girls barely
Speaker 1: showing up only doing like
Speaker 1: what's minimally expected of this person? Not going past this
Speaker 1: mark to deliver something more, not going the extra mile
Speaker 1: to show love to show care, concern, appreciation. So the
Speaker 1: bare minimum is this is this spot where
Speaker 1: this person doesn't do anything that causes a breakup. It's
Speaker 1: not like they cheat on you, correct? Or they hit
Speaker 1: you leave. But do you have any reason to stay? Actually,
Speaker 1: there's this therapist, her name is Israel Nasir. She says
Speaker 1: a bare minimum relationship signifies the lack of effort, emotional and,
Speaker 1: or commitment in the relationship and your partner is just
Speaker 1: doing enough to say I did it what? There's nothing
Speaker 1: wrong I did it. I was a boyfriend but like
Speaker 1: Hazy said, what's making you stay right? You know,
Speaker 2: sometimes people cite examples of bein like opening doors. Like
Speaker 2: what else?
Speaker 1: If it's a B we know we should be able
Speaker 1: to come up with some examples quick.
Speaker 2: Correct, correct, correct, replying to you whenever they can. That's
Speaker 2: calling you ever so often. Good morning text example. I
Speaker 2: think when people cite these examples, some people are not
Speaker 2: too happy because they think, oh, you know, you're being superficial,
Speaker 2: you're being demanding, you're asking for all these things. But
Speaker 2: I think what someone is trying to say, they're trying
Speaker 2: to articulate what they can't in theory and that's why
Speaker 2: it's being given as these examples. You know what I mean?
Speaker 2: Like, ok, let me give you an example for myself. Right.
Speaker 2: It's not about the actions, you know what I mean? Like,
Speaker 2: if you made up for it in some other way,
Speaker 2: I don't care whether you open the door or not.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean? Yeah. And I think I
Speaker 2: saw this thing very recently and I agreed with it,
Speaker 2: which was, I think you want a love that loves
Speaker 2: you when it's inconvenient and not just when it's convenient.
Speaker 1: True. Yeah. So if you girls ever been in a relationship,
Speaker 1: then after a while it kind of gets stagnant and
Speaker 1: then you're like,
Speaker 1: is he just doing the bare minimum?
Speaker 2: Would you say
Speaker 2: that doing the bare minimum is almost similar to breadcrumb
Speaker 2: where they're just giving you enough to keep you around?
Speaker 1: That's
Speaker 1: an interesting thought. Perhaps it's something I think it might
Speaker 1: not even be like a relationship, like boyfriend, girlfriend. It
Speaker 1: could just be someone that you're interested in
Speaker 1: and they are just doing the bare minimum to keep
Speaker 1: you interested. Yeah. Like, situationships. I like a lot of
Speaker 1: situationships are like bare minimum minimum and then that's why
Speaker 1: they don't make it to the next phase. Right. I
Speaker 1: would like to think that thankfully in my recent relations
Speaker 1: I've never experienced one that is like the bare minimum actually.
Speaker 1: Me too. Yeah, I think because we just keep picking
Speaker 1: people that are more and more right for us as
Speaker 1: time pass by. So
Speaker 2: thankfully, I don't think I have a bare minimum experience
Speaker 2: and below minimum have below
Speaker 1: negative,
Speaker 2: negative, low minimum is like, cannot even smile when they
Speaker 2: see you go so miserable or not
Speaker 1: while you are in a relationship. Yeah. I don't understand.
Speaker 1: That's quite bad. Who,
Speaker 1: who
Speaker 2: else?
Speaker 1: That's quite bad. Yeah. I mean, at that point you
Speaker 1: already know it's a no go, it's the bare minimum
Speaker 1: when it's, like, actually got nothing wrong. You got nothing wrong.
Speaker 1: When do you say? You know what, I'm going to
Speaker 1: cut this off and find something better. It's very hard.
Speaker 1: There's no, nothing to tell you. Like it's time to
Speaker 1: end it, especially for a lot of people, right? When
Speaker 1: it's past the dating phase you are into like the marriage,
Speaker 1: my God. It even harder to cut all ties and
Speaker 1: go back. Right and say no, I have a friend
Speaker 1: she used to date someone who would like game all
Speaker 1: the time. They cohabitate but there's no connection. Like when
Speaker 1: they go home, they just, each of their phones, they
Speaker 1: don't talk when they eat together, they're still scrolling their phones.
Speaker 1: And I think this is a relationship that is even
Speaker 1: lower than the bare minimum. Don't you think
Speaker 2: it
Speaker 2: makes you think? Do you genuinely enjoy each other or
Speaker 2: do you just not want to be lonely? I think
Speaker 1: that's a great
Speaker 1: example that you brought up, right? If you're thinking now
Speaker 1: and you're reflecting on your own relationship and you're saying
Speaker 1: to yourself is this bare minimum? Some of the signs
Speaker 1: would be. Where was your last date night? Do you remember?
Speaker 1: There's no planning, there's no effort to treat each other.
Speaker 1: Take each other out on dates. There's no emotional support.
Speaker 1: Like you guys don't talk to each other when you're upset,
Speaker 1: you talk to your friends so you talk to other people.
Speaker 1: There's a huge,
Speaker 1: there is no wrong in talking to your friends, but
Speaker 1: you also have to speak to your partner about it.
Speaker 1: That's true. Or you just don't ever fight at all.
Speaker 1: You just completely avoid conflict because you don't want to
Speaker 1: have difficult conversations. Tough conversations are a must. Yes. And
Speaker 1: if the person is not showing interest in your life,
Speaker 1: your hobby, your job, your friends, I think there's also
Speaker 1: a red flag. That's true. Yeah, I, I have a
Speaker 1: friend who, towards the end of their relationship was doing
Speaker 1: very well in, in, like, career wise. Right. And would
Speaker 1: go and tell the partner, like, you know, I got
Speaker 1: this job, I got this, I got this and the
Speaker 1: partner was very disinterested or because he's jealous, something like that.
Speaker 1: I guess, of this person, you know, being more in
Speaker 1: the spotlight, getting more attention and the partner just could
Speaker 1: not be happy for
Speaker 1: my friend. I don't get that. Like, I just don't
Speaker 1: get no. But that comes from inner hood. It comes
Speaker 1: from inner, like, trauma. It doesn't come from, you know,
Speaker 1: wanting to be a bad person. It's a self projection.
Speaker 1: It's a self projection. Exactly. So all these are, I
Speaker 1: think signs of a bare minimum relationship. Speaking of that example,
Speaker 1: I have a friend in the industry as well. She's
Speaker 1: once shared with me that she told her partner, like,
Speaker 1: you know, how much she earns and she's getting better
Speaker 1: and better. Right? Her partner had actually said, what can
Speaker 1: I do to better myself so that I can be
Speaker 1: on par with you?
Speaker 1: No, I think that's a healthy way of looking at
Speaker 1: it maybe by thinking that you can't actually start earning
Speaker 1: more income. But by thinking that you can actually start
Speaker 1: taking steps to actualize that. Right.
Speaker 2: It's
Speaker 2: like I'm happy for you and I'm inspired by you
Speaker 2: and I want to work as hard as you do too.
Speaker 2: That's what it sounds like to me, correct.
Speaker 1: The ego does not stop here,
Speaker 1: you know, as a male to recognize that the woman
Speaker 1: is doing better than him and he, he wants to
Speaker 1: do better.
Speaker 2: I
Speaker 2: saw this video recently and it said that if someone
Speaker 2: told you, oh, you're just like your partner, would that
Speaker 2: make you feel offended or would that make you feel
Speaker 2: proud of the person that they are?
Speaker 1: If you feel offended, then maybe it's a sign that
Speaker 1: this partner really isn't for you. But if you feel proud,
Speaker 1: they say, hey,
Speaker 2: if someone says that you are like that person, how
Speaker 2: would that make you feel good?
Speaker 1: This
Speaker 1: is very interesting perspective. Have you girls heard of the
Speaker 1: orange peel theory? I think it's stupid. You think theory? Ok.
Speaker 1: Let me explain. So is this trend on tiktok whereby
Speaker 1: this wife got her husband to peel an orange for
Speaker 1: her and the husband willingly did? So by doing that,
Speaker 1: it proves that the husband loves her. It's a bare minimum.
Speaker 1: It's like a test. No. Ok. I don't think it's
Speaker 1: the bare minimum. Some people just don't like to get
Speaker 1: their hands dirty and peel like prawns, peel oranges. I
Speaker 1: think it's fine. But why are you testing your partner
Speaker 1: with an orange? No, because you can jolly. Well, do
Speaker 1: so yourself. And your partner knows that. But by doing
Speaker 1: it for you, he's saving you the inconvenience and that's
Speaker 1: why it shows that he loves you. That's the point
Speaker 1: of this theory? Ok. Well,
Speaker 1: I think there are other more relevant ways to, you know,
Speaker 1: see if your partner really loves you. Tell us one,
Speaker 1: we trend it just in your everyday life, right? Do
Speaker 1: they plan dates? Like, do they take the initiative to achieve? Well,
Speaker 1: like what is your love language? Do they pander to that?
Speaker 1: Do you communicate about that? Just things like that? But
Speaker 1: an orange, I mean, yeah, I get the logic. If
Speaker 1: you do give them an orange and you say, can
Speaker 1: you please peel this for me?
Speaker 1: They should say yes. And if they peel it for you,
Speaker 1: a lot of girls see this as a sign as, oh,
Speaker 1: this person is so sweet. This was actually what happened
Speaker 1: in the comment section. A lot of comments started coming
Speaker 1: in praising the man saying, what do I find a
Speaker 1: husband like that? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And
Speaker 1: then this went viral because a lot of other comments
Speaker 1: were like flaming these comments for complimenting the minimum.
Speaker 2: Exactly. OK. I'll
Speaker 2: I tell you why. I think it's bare minimum because
Speaker 2: it's things like that, right? That let's say we're not
Speaker 2: talking about things that you don't want to do. But
Speaker 2: if it's a simple thing that costs you nothing but
Speaker 2: your partner wants it, I think it should be quite
Speaker 2: easy for you to do it. So this should want
Speaker 2: to do
Speaker 2: it.
Speaker 1: This is where when I was, you know, trying to
Speaker 1: absorb this whole episode today, right. That I really need
Speaker 1: to put my foot down. I think that
Speaker 1: even though it's a very easy thing for your partner
Speaker 1: to do, it doesn't hurt to show them appreciation for it.
Speaker 1: Even though it's expected of you, it doesn't hurt to
Speaker 1: show them love and say, thank you, for example, right
Speaker 1: at your job, what you're doing right now is your job.
Speaker 1: But if your boss every day look at you right?
Speaker 1: It just, this is your job but I shouldn't. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Why should I show you appreciation? That sucks. That feeling
Speaker 1: just sucks. So say even more so with the relationship,
Speaker 1: even though it's simple, things like peeling prows opening the door,
Speaker 1: hold your back for you just show appreciation even if
Speaker 1: it's the bare minimum. I agree. I always want to
Speaker 1: say thank you and not to be for granted because
Speaker 1: you never know some guys out there who never do it,
Speaker 1: but your partner would. Yeah. And I saw this interview
Speaker 1: where Katy Perry said that her love language is her
Speaker 1: partner doing the dishes because she really hates it. So
Speaker 1: if she could find a partner who do a dishes,
Speaker 1: she said a sentence, just do the fucking dishes. I
Speaker 1: will suck your date
Speaker 1: and like the comments came in like, whoa, I think
Speaker 1: a lot of people would do the dishes for her. Actually,
Speaker 1: one comment said I want to do the dishes. Nothing happened.
Speaker 1: I mean, some people kind of
Speaker 1: didn't really like that. She said that they just felt
Speaker 1: that why are you offering up your body for someone
Speaker 1: doing the dishes for you? But maybe she just feels
Speaker 1: like it's a very sweet gesture of a partner to
Speaker 1: do so. Yeah. Good for Orlando Bloom. I mean, like,
Speaker 2: I think what goes behind that is that you just
Speaker 2: want to make things a little bit easier for your partner. Like,
Speaker 2: if I don't mind doing it and if you hate
Speaker 2: it to record of, I do, you know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think I would love to see. Right. I mean,
Speaker 1: if you're listening right now to hush, what are your
Speaker 1: experiences of a bare minimum relationship? There's this one that
Speaker 1: we saw on Reddit, basically a girl was on a,
Speaker 1: she's doing work from home and she's on a Zoom
Speaker 1: call and her husband brought her a cup of coffee. Ok.
Speaker 1: And then her colleagues were like, oh my God, like
Speaker 1: he loves you so much like, wow. You know, you
Speaker 1: got him whipped and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: And she was like, it's just a cup of coffee. Ok.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm crazy but I think it's sweet.
Speaker 1: I think it's super
Speaker 2: sweet. I think it's the thought that you're working. I
Speaker 2: think you might need something. Yeah. So for me it's
Speaker 2: not the action but as the thought behind that,
Speaker 1: but is it the bare minimum.
Speaker 1: I don't know about this because rose reverse. Would you
Speaker 1: do the same for the partner? Like, would you think
Speaker 1: about a, he's on a meeting now? Let me get
Speaker 1: him a cup of coffee. Sometimes he doesn't come so
Speaker 1: naturally to us everyone's, everyone's different. Yeah. The fact that
Speaker 1: he thought about that, I think that's super sweet. I
Speaker 1: think it's very sweet. I think it is slightly above
Speaker 1: the bare, you know, I think it's I think you
Speaker 1: can expect this from every
Speaker 1: men. You know, I
Speaker 1: appreciate the
Speaker 2: thought, you know, any action. I don't care what the
Speaker 2: action
Speaker 2: is
Speaker 1: about. The Lulu in this day and age. Sometimes I
Speaker 1: find it really rare
Speaker 2: talking
Speaker 2: about this coffee thing, right? I saw this video of
Speaker 2: this couple who were at the guy's parents house. So
Speaker 2: the father was there and then she was sitting there
Speaker 2: and then
Speaker 2: he had come back I think and then she said,
Speaker 2: can you get me water? It was a prank. So
Speaker 2: he said no, go get it yourself. His father went
Speaker 2: mad like just go and get it for her. Like
Speaker 2: what on earth are you on about? And he was like, no,
Speaker 2: you are standing right there, go get it yourself. So
Speaker 1: they are trying to prank the father. Yes. Oh my God,
Speaker 1: who's being prank?
Speaker 2: Yes. And I think correct. Yeah, like you know, even
Speaker 2: if that person was standing for example, but if someone
Speaker 2: asked you for something so simple. There's no harm in
Speaker 2: doing it. And I think when you find it a
Speaker 2: chore to do it, you've got some questions to
Speaker 2: ask.
Speaker 1: But what if this partner keeps wanting the other half
Speaker 1: to do something simple every day? She said, can you
Speaker 1: please get me a cup of water? Can you please
Speaker 1: bring me my phone? Can you please do this, do that?
Speaker 1: I mean, at one point also be seen, right? I agree.
Speaker 1: I don't think so. Why if you love the person,
Speaker 1: you know, because my brother used to ask me to
Speaker 1: take things for him, you know, annoying. Ok. I'll give
Speaker 1: you guys some examples and you say like,
Speaker 1: OK, that's very minimum or no, that's kind of sweet. Ok,
Speaker 1: so this person on Reddit said, I mean, this person
Speaker 1: is obviously gay and said that I always hear my
Speaker 1: street friends hyping up the most basic shit that their
Speaker 1: boyfriends do for them. Like for example, he brought me
Speaker 1: a glass of water when I said I was thirsty.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I OK, if I were to break that down
Speaker 1: and dissect it, I said I was thirsty. I didn't say,
Speaker 1: can you bring me a glass of water? He inferred
Speaker 1: from the fact that I'm thirsty and bring me a
Speaker 1: glass of water. That's critical thinking.
Speaker 2: No,
Speaker 2: that's bare minimum because now that you broke it down
Speaker 2: like that, have they been so disappointing that when they're
Speaker 2: able to think critically we think it's incredible.
Speaker 1: No, I beg to defer. I think it's sweet because
Speaker 1: if my other half had told me I'm so thirsty
Speaker 1: right now, would I have said, oh, then go drink
Speaker 1: some water and continue doing my work? Or would I
Speaker 1: have gotten him a glass of water? I either get
Speaker 1: it
Speaker 2: or say you want water,
Speaker 1: I think. Oh yeah. But I must ask. Right. But
Speaker 1: he didn't ask. This is what
Speaker 2: sometimes right? I cross check with
Speaker 2: by replacing it with a friend. For example, if I
Speaker 2: said I was thirsty, would my friends fetch me water? Yes. 100% correct.
Speaker 2: So are you special? Not really?
Speaker 1: OK. Next one he picked me up for our first
Speaker 1: date and paid the bill. I think the pay the
Speaker 1: bill is OK? But the picking you up that sweet.
Speaker 1: I mean, look the pain, you know, not much to
Speaker 1: shout about paying the bill. Is there a
Speaker 2: difference between bare minimum?
Speaker 2: That's nice.
Speaker 2: And that sweet
Speaker 1: like one tier above the other?
Speaker 2: I think that's nice is in between. OK,
Speaker 1: let's flip it around if we did. What's something that
Speaker 1: a girl could do? That is the bare minimum for
Speaker 1: a guy?
Speaker 2: Let
Speaker 2: him game in peace.
Speaker 1: Understand when he needs his bro time. That's the bare minimum.
Speaker 1: Very simple, right? Quite hard. Maybe
Speaker 1: exactly what I was talking about. See if I did that.
Speaker 1: I think that's,
Speaker 1: that's really fucking sweet. Like you want a medal I
Speaker 1: want to go meal. How about like, ok, if your
Speaker 1: boyfriend is tired, right? Or has a headache, you just, like,
Speaker 1: press his head, massage his head a little bit. That's
Speaker 1: the bare minimum, right. That's like water. So, would you
Speaker 1: want them to say like, oh, that's really sweet of you.
Speaker 1: Or would you want them to be like, no, this
Speaker 1: is expected of you. No, of course. You want compliments. Right. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So I do anything. I want compliments what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: just say just what you want to say.
Speaker 2: I
Speaker 2: don't like the word expectations, but I think when you
Speaker 2: start expecting things, that's where a lot of people get
Speaker 2: unhappy with each other because you have expectations of your partner.
Speaker 2: Let's say this person has always been doing something for
Speaker 2: you for a really long time
Speaker 2: or you think it's a bare minimum and thus you
Speaker 2: expect it. But there's a line to the expectation. I
Speaker 2: feel it's
Speaker 1: being very careful to not take it for granted for granted,
Speaker 1: even if it is simple, even if it's the bare minimum, correct,
Speaker 1: not to take it for granted. Grateful
Speaker 2: if you do it. I say thank you. If you don't. Ok,
Speaker 2: there's no problem. We've got one here. Ok. This person
Speaker 2: says my current boyfriend and I
Speaker 2: have been dating for over eight months and every time
Speaker 2: we have sex, he makes sure he takes his time,
Speaker 2: puts in the effort to give me a good foreplay
Speaker 2: while treating me with the attention and care I need.
Speaker 2: He doesn't just get down to business like some guys
Speaker 2: and he always makes sure I'm in the mood aka content.
Speaker 2: Is that bare minimum?
Speaker 1: What is the point of this? They're just trying to
Speaker 1: tell us that they are very healthy sex life. I
Speaker 2: think
Speaker 2: she's trying to say that she's been with trash men
Speaker 2: who are there just, just
Speaker 1: getting down to business right away, which is taking
Speaker 2: pleasure for themselves and not thinking of you
Speaker 1: not taking to a
Speaker 1: how the lady feels. Well, that's sweet. But I feel
Speaker 1: like in every healthy relationship
Speaker 2: minimum. Yeah,
Speaker 2: because it's about thinking of you.
Speaker 1: That's true. Yeah. I wouldn't be like, oh, that's so sweet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't be like, oh, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, like you do me, I do you. Right. Correct. Correct. Ok.
Speaker 1: So clearly it doesn't apply to everything. Yeah. Right. Do
Speaker 1: you think that we then kind of like, idealize this
Speaker 1: bare minimum? Too much? If I were to be very honest,
Speaker 1: I think a little bit because we don't see this
Speaker 1: happening
Speaker 1: very often anymore in this day and age. Right? I mean,
Speaker 1: do you still see guys opening car doors for girls?
Speaker 1: My brother does it. Hey, Justin. Yeah. But my own
Speaker 1: boyfriend doesn't. So you see, but I don't even ask
Speaker 1: because I feel like I'm a woman, I'm an independent woman.
Speaker 1: I open it myself. This guy I date opens the
Speaker 1: car door for me every time and every time I
Speaker 1: still feel like, did you ask him to do that ever?
Speaker 1: So he just did it. Yeah. But sometimes if he forgets,
Speaker 1: I just stand there
Speaker 1: the expectation. Correct. Correct. And you, and you run over
Speaker 1: my princess, please get it. Should I do that? Is
Speaker 1: that the way I was just, I just stand there right?
Speaker 1: Until he gets it. He doesn't, he drives off. He's
Speaker 1: like a wish you'll be really angry. I'll be really angry. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's true. So that's why I say I don't consider
Speaker 1: these things the bare minimum because not a lot of
Speaker 1: people do it.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Like they do in like movies and KK dramas
Speaker 1: and all that love but in real life, I don't
Speaker 1: think so. Not
Speaker 2: really. So, are you saying that there are things that
Speaker 2: you didn't have to but you did to show care. Yes.
Speaker 1: To show that.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm thinking about you. I'm thinking of you.
Speaker 1: I think it's a very, it's a very fine line between, hey,
Speaker 1: this is respectful to do, right? As someone who is
Speaker 1: in a situation or relationship with you or, you know,
Speaker 1: this is something that is of a higher effort. It's,
Speaker 1: it's a very fine line to decide between left and right.
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, I think you
Speaker 1: will know when
Speaker 1: it's really like nothing to be celebrated. Correct.
Speaker 2: I
Speaker 2: think I want to push it a step further and
Speaker 2: say that if you're truly happy with a true connection,
Speaker 2: such that you didn't have to quantify it down to things.
Speaker 2: I don't think he would be thinking about every action
Speaker 2: and thinking. Should this person be doing this? It's so
Speaker 1: transactional. You know what I mean?
Speaker 2: Yeah,
Speaker 1: I also think that if you're thinking, hey, is my
Speaker 1: relationship bare minimum. It probably is and you probably need
Speaker 1: to
Speaker 1: reconsider not.
Speaker 2: You wouldn't
Speaker 2: even think
Speaker 1: you even get to that stage. And there is a
Speaker 1: lot of reasons why I guess people would
Speaker 1: stay in a bare minimum relationship where like we describe
Speaker 1: the relationship, right? You go home, you don't talk at all,
Speaker 1: you never go on dates, you never spend time with
Speaker 1: each other, you never
Speaker 1: connect.
Speaker 2: They don't take your feelings into consideration.
Speaker 1: Your feelings are not valid. We're not saying you have
Speaker 1: to walk out of that relationship but maybe try introducing
Speaker 1: things into your relationship that will change the dynamics. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like foreplay, which apparently works for a person on Reddit.
Speaker 1: Um Some reasons why I guess people might choose to
Speaker 1: stay in a bare minimum relationship where even though it's
Speaker 1: not being reciprocated, the love, it could be because of
Speaker 1: trauma from previous relationship where you feel you're not worthy
Speaker 1: of love, you're not worthy of better, you're not worthy
Speaker 1: of more effort. And that comes from a low self esteem. Yeah. And, um,
Speaker 1: childhood I think is a huge reason as well. If
Speaker 1: you trauma, yeah. If you grew up in
Speaker 1: an unhealthy, you know, environment, maybe in your future relationships
Speaker 1: you wouldn't dare to settle for something more above that.
Speaker 1: You know,
Speaker 2: it's like
Speaker 2: when we were trying to find ourselves and I think
Speaker 2: when we had to realize that
Speaker 2: healthy was unfamiliar to us because we were so used
Speaker 2: to unhealthy. And I think sometimes people idolize healthy, they
Speaker 2: think they want healthy, but sometimes they can't deal with
Speaker 2: it when it comes because they look for what's familiar.
Speaker 1: Exactly. Brings me to my next point. A lot of
Speaker 1: people are in hopes that their partner would change. So
Speaker 1: you keep hoping that, ah, the change will come, he
Speaker 1: will become a better man. And then you keep seeing
Speaker 1: their relationship
Speaker 1: and one day if you realize that, hey, you know,
Speaker 1: things are not moving forward, then how basically you fall
Speaker 1: in love with the person that they could be, but
Speaker 1: they're not there yet. And then they never try to
Speaker 1: make an effort to get there. But you think, you know,
Speaker 1: they're gonna be this good, they're gonna be so good.
Speaker 1: They're gonna be, you know, such a loving partner, but
Speaker 1: they never get there.
Speaker 2: That's why I always say, like, you cannot fall in
Speaker 2: love with potential. Yeah, because first of all, it's not
Speaker 2: your job to change that person.
Speaker 2: So, do you really like what you're seeing
Speaker 2: now.
Speaker 1: No. Absolutely. And I think being in a very minimum relationship,
Speaker 1: it could have quite significant effects on you in the
Speaker 1: future as well.
Speaker 1: Every relationship to me is a two way street. Right.
Speaker 1: Both people need to put in the effort. It's not
Speaker 1: always going to be 5050. And we've talked about this
Speaker 1: and that's fine, but it can't always be one person
Speaker 1: putting in the effort. It's, it's a lot of burnout
Speaker 1: for you emotionally, physically, mentally. It's very exhausting and decreasing self-worth.
Speaker 1: I do see that in one of my girlfriends, she's
Speaker 1: in a bare minimum relationship and
Speaker 1: just many years down the road, she feels like she
Speaker 1: doesn't deserve something better. So which I like, really tried
Speaker 1: to snap some sense into her to tell her that
Speaker 1: you deserve better. Ultimately, she walked out of that relationship
Speaker 1: and she found someone better. I'm so happy for her,
Speaker 1: but it's scary to do that right when you don't
Speaker 1: think you deserve better. Correct. And she doesn't realize she
Speaker 1: was in a relationship that was not even the bare
Speaker 1: minimum was slower than that. You know.
Speaker 2: You know, it's like
Speaker 2: that book and movie, a fault on our source. I
Speaker 2: read a very, very long time ago. I was very
Speaker 2: young and there was this very famous line which says
Speaker 2: that we accept the love that we think we deserve.
Speaker 2: And for a very long time, I didn't understand what
Speaker 2: that meant. But I got older and I was like,
Speaker 2: it's true. It's true. And someone was saying the other
Speaker 2: day that your choice of partner is a reflection of
Speaker 2: how much
Speaker 2: you love yourself.
Speaker 1: That's very true. I love that. I also find that
Speaker 1: some people, they have difficulty leaving their relationship, even if
Speaker 1: they find that maybe this partner is not the one
Speaker 1: for me. I have had a girlfriend. Tell me, oh,
Speaker 1: I've been with this guy for five years. It's been
Speaker 1: so long it would be such a waste to let
Speaker 1: it go. That's what happened to me. Like there was
Speaker 1: not
Speaker 1: think bad but it was just like, you know, but
Speaker 1: there's really nothing left but even longer time ahead of you.
Speaker 1: That's true. It's not. Now when I think never in
Speaker 1: the history of the world, has anyone regretted leaving a
Speaker 1: relationship that they should have left much earlier? So I
Speaker 1: hope that gives you some, you know, courage, strength and
Speaker 1: courage to leave a situation that
Speaker 1: you're not, it's not deserving of
Speaker 1: you.
Speaker 2: You know, you stay for various reasons. Right. And I
Speaker 2: think a lot of people are not at peak satisfaction
Speaker 2: or peak happiness but they stay because it's been this, this,
Speaker 2: this amount of years. Oh, I'm 32 now. We've been
Speaker 2: together for eight years. If I leave this relationship. Do
Speaker 2: I know I'm going to find something better. What if
Speaker 2: I don't? What if I'm just alone? You know, after that?
Speaker 2: But something I always say is if
Speaker 2: it's bare minimum
Speaker 2: and you are saying, can you live like that for
Speaker 2: the rest of your life? And maybe your answer will
Speaker 2: be yes, because
Speaker 2: keep it peaceful. You're used to it, you're used to it.
Speaker 2: Everything is comfortable. But my next question is, should you
Speaker 2: live like this for the rest of your life? Why
Speaker 2: should you actually?
Speaker 1: So we've been talking a lot about the bare minimum.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about what are some things we should expect
Speaker 1: in every relationship? The good things expect. Yes, loyalty, ambition, driven, respect, respect.
Speaker 1: I think in a relationship, the both of you should
Speaker 1: be growing
Speaker 1: together and when you come to a space where like
Speaker 1: I'm growing, but he refuses to grow or you know,
Speaker 1: something like that, then I think you kind of realize
Speaker 1: that there is a bit of a misalignment.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think action matching up to your
Speaker 2: words.
Speaker 1: I mean, people can say anything right? They can say like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, I'll treat you the best. I'll never make
Speaker 1: you cry. But that's a lie. By the way, I've
Speaker 1: had guys tell me I'll never make you cry like
Speaker 1: the other guy bullshit. Every guy makes you cry. OK?
Speaker 1: That's a lie. Don't believe
Speaker 1: it's what they do when you cry. Correct. It's unrealistic
Speaker 1: to think that you'll never cry in a relationship will
Speaker 1: never make you cry. OK? Korea
Speaker 2: drama. Cry. How much?
Speaker 1: Yeah. True. And I think it's all in the little
Speaker 1: things if this person really cares for you, he or
Speaker 1: she will not keep you waiting for,
Speaker 1: but you won't ever have to wait like, what, 1214
Speaker 1: hours for their reply. They are always like, you know,
Speaker 1: catering time to attend to you. Be it in real
Speaker 1: life or over
Speaker 1: text.
Speaker 2: I think you never have to question your position in
Speaker 2: their life.
Speaker 1: Yes, they are very sure of you and you are
Speaker 1: very certain of them. I think it's a two way street.
Speaker 1: I love that very much. And I think what's the
Speaker 1: most important thing is
Speaker 1: your other partner respects your boundaries. I think there's a
Speaker 1: huge green flag boundaries as in work life boundary, your
Speaker 1: boundaries between you and your friends, you and the things
Speaker 1: that matter to you. I think all of this must
Speaker 1: be considered and taken into account. Yeah. I mean, I
Speaker 1: think all of us after today's episode are going to
Speaker 1: go back and
Speaker 1: kind of like take stock of our relationships and we
Speaker 1: hope that you do as well. Yeah. And if you're
Speaker 1: listening to this and you realize that, hey, is my
Speaker 1: relationship like the bare minimum. Once again, we're not saying
Speaker 1: that leaving or quitting this relationship is the only way
Speaker 1: to go. You can start by introducing things into your
Speaker 1: relationship that will
Speaker 1: improve it. But of course, then it takes two hands
Speaker 1: to clap both you and your partner has to agree
Speaker 1: to it. Yeah, you have to communicate, maybe get some
Speaker 1: third party help. You know, there's no shame in there
Speaker 1: and you could very much revive your relationship, but only
Speaker 1: if both hands are willing to
Speaker 2: correct. Because I always say that I think in a relationship,
Speaker 2: no matter how long it's been, you have to never
Speaker 2: just stop chasing your other half. That's a good way
Speaker 2: to put it like that because I think a lot
Speaker 2: of people get so comfortable, they start taking things for granted.
Speaker 2: But here's the thing, right? As much as you've pledged
Speaker 2: loyalty to each other, there is nothing that is holding
Speaker 2: the other person back from leaving any time. So what
Speaker 2: makes you think that they can't leave? And if you
Speaker 2: keep that in mind, then you would put in effort
Speaker 2: to chase them just so you can keep them every day,
Speaker 2: you know,
Speaker 1: and then these are little sweet gestures that I believe
Speaker 1: are past the bare minimum. It's things that you do
Speaker 1: to retain each other in your lives, you know, ok.
Speaker 1: If you have any stories or if you want to
Speaker 1: share your thoughts with us, we'll be more than happy
Speaker 1: to hear. You can DM us or drop us a
Speaker 1: comment on Instagram at is clarity.co.
Speaker 2: That's right. You can listen to us on me. Listen,
Speaker 2: Apple podcast, Spotify, turn out not
Speaker 2: actually, I also want to know like, can you please
Speaker 2: comment and tell us like he did this, this, this
Speaker 2: is this bare minimum.
Speaker 1: I will go in the comments and I will read
Speaker 1: it here. I will check it out and of course,
Speaker 1: check us out on youtube as well. We have a
Speaker 1: brand new set. It's very beautiful, so big, shout out
Speaker 1: to our team as well for making this gorgeous, gorgeous
Speaker 1: set and we'll catch you next time on Hush Podcast.