WEBVTT - Are you always saying 'yes' even when you’d rather not? 0:00:00.009 --> 0:00:00.270 Hi, Tao. 0:00:00.560 --> 0:00:02.180 Hey, it's Aura and I'm Jermaine 0:00:02.190 --> 0:00:04.289 and welcome back to another episode of Gravity. Hash. 0:00:06.280 --> 0:00:08.989 Now, if you're tuning into this episode and you find 0:00:09.000 --> 0:00:11.449 that you're the type of people who always say yes, 0:00:11.470 --> 0:00:14.649 when you more rather say no, this app is for you. Ok. 0:00:14.819 --> 0:00:17.159 In today's episode, we are diving deep into the art 0:00:17.170 --> 0:00:20.079 of people pleasing and why we often get stuck in 0:00:20.090 --> 0:00:20.290 this 0:00:20.299 --> 0:00:20.639 cycle. 0:00:20.649 --> 0:00:22.540 I think it's something that afflicts a lot of us 0:00:22.944 --> 0:00:26.134 we brought on an expert today. This is a people 0:00:26.145 --> 0:00:29.674 pleaser life coach. She specializes in that, but not only that, 0:00:29.684 --> 0:00:33.514 she's also a certified sound healing practitioner. She is a 0:00:33.525 --> 0:00:38.685 relationship coach and an entrepreneur. Please welcome V 0:00:40.259 --> 0:00:43.009 thank you so much for having me here. Ok? I 0:00:43.020 --> 0:00:47.168 wouldn't call myself an expert, but yeah, I am running 0:00:47.180 --> 0:00:51.189 my own little company mainly doing sound healing and also coaching, 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:54.860 specializing in relationships and people pleasing behavior. So this company 0:00:54.869 --> 0:00:57.220 of mine, it's called Infinity because I believe that there 0:00:57.229 --> 0:01:00.060 are infinite ways to heal. And my name starts with 0:01:00.069 --> 0:01:02.700 V Yeah, it's just like that. I love that. 0:01:02.709 --> 0:01:05.650 V for what I'm guessing, Vanessa. Yes, 0:01:06.500 --> 0:01:10.610 Vanessa. Well, I love that. And you know, I've always 0:01:10.620 --> 0:01:14.769 been very intrigued by like chakra work spiritual healing and Reiki. 0:01:14.779 --> 0:01:17.429 So very interested to pick your mind today and also 0:01:17.440 --> 0:01:20.250 on how we can heal from being a people pleaser. 0:01:20.279 --> 0:01:21.250 That's right. Yeah. 0:01:21.389 --> 0:01:23.510 And I feel like people pleasing is a trait that's 0:01:23.519 --> 0:01:27.149 very evident, especially in Asian cultures or Asian countries. I 0:01:27.160 --> 0:01:28.529 would call myself a people pleaser. 0:01:28.540 --> 0:01:29.089 Yeah. So would 0:01:29.099 --> 0:01:29.300 I 0:01:29.309 --> 0:01:30.768 right. You just want to 0:01:31.230 --> 0:01:34.599 appease someone else like and in Asian culture, you're very polite, 0:01:34.610 --> 0:01:36.940 you just go out of your way to help someone 0:01:36.949 --> 0:01:37.900 else kind of thing. 0:01:37.910 --> 0:01:37.979 I 0:01:37.989 --> 0:01:40.980 think you're taught from young to always like think about 0:01:40.989 --> 0:01:44.769 others feelings, what they may think and I think we 0:01:44.779 --> 0:01:47.940 carry that with us and it becomes these behaviors. 0:01:48.709 --> 0:01:51.690 So v what is people pleasing to you? OK. So 0:01:51.699 --> 0:01:54.879 people pleasing is a behavioral tendency whereby we tend to 0:01:54.889 --> 0:01:56.160 put the needs, wants and 0:01:56.684 --> 0:02:00.675 of others over our own at the expense of our 0:02:00.684 --> 0:02:04.135 own mental wellness and our boundaries. So this is characterized 0:02:04.144 --> 0:02:08.654 by behavior such as over apologizing, oh my God, just 0:02:08.663 --> 0:02:14.125 me saying yes, just to maintain the peace, not expressing 0:02:14.133 --> 0:02:18.484 our true thoughts and just going along with what everybody wants. Basically, 0:02:18.494 --> 0:02:21.475 you tend to don't really have a sense of self. 0:02:23.169 --> 0:02:24.889 I think that's a bit harsh to say like you 0:02:24.899 --> 0:02:27.270 don't have a sense of self. I sometimes feel like 0:02:27.279 --> 0:02:30.649 it's almost like you have a need to, you know, 0:02:30.679 --> 0:02:34.839 just want to make peace and sometimes you forget what 0:02:34.850 --> 0:02:38.570 you really want at the sake of appeasing others. 0:02:38.610 --> 0:02:38.949 Exactly. 0:02:38.960 --> 0:02:40.910 You tend to lose the sense of self that was 0:02:40.919 --> 0:02:43.339 once there. Yeah, that's true. 0:02:43.350 --> 0:02:44.220 There's a range 0:02:44.229 --> 0:02:46.589 to this. Right. I mean, you know, it's not one 0:02:46.600 --> 0:02:47.070 size fits 0:02:47.080 --> 0:02:47.339 all 0:02:47.350 --> 0:02:47.579 right. 0:02:48.110 --> 0:02:48.339 Not 0:02:48.770 --> 0:02:50.888 so an example this year I was going through the 0:02:50.899 --> 0:02:54.470 renovation for my place and everything and I was constantly 0:02:54.479 --> 0:02:57.149 texting my ID. I did not realize that I was 0:02:57.160 --> 0:03:00.350 over apologizing like for every text I sent him, I'll 0:03:00.360 --> 0:03:02.210 be like, oh, I'm so sorry. Can you help me 0:03:02.220 --> 0:03:03.389 with this? Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you help me 0:03:03.399 --> 0:03:06.020 with that? And two weeks he was like, yes, yes. OK. OK. 0:03:06.029 --> 0:03:07.679 I'll do this. I'll do that and last but not 0:03:07.690 --> 0:03:09.600 least stop saying sorry. So 0:03:09.610 --> 0:03:11.949 he actually he 0:03:11.960 --> 0:03:12.419 brought that up 0:03:12.479 --> 0:03:13.860 up to me and I was like, oh, I did 0:03:13.869 --> 0:03:16.888 not realize I was saying sorry, like with every text 0:03:16.899 --> 0:03:17.398 that I sent 0:03:17.410 --> 0:03:18.589 him, why do we do that? 0:03:18.860 --> 0:03:21.228 Because I find myself doing that every time I ask 0:03:21.240 --> 0:03:23.309 for a favor or even if it's not a favor, right? 0:03:23.320 --> 0:03:25.690 It's something that the other person is supposed to be doing. 0:03:25.699 --> 0:03:29.570 I feel sorry for inconveniencing them. Why is that such 0:03:29.580 --> 0:03:32.800 a common thing? It's that lack of self worth. Actually, 0:03:32.809 --> 0:03:35.550 a lot of us are stuck in this thought whereby 0:03:35.559 --> 0:03:36.929 I feel like I'm worth a lot, like 0:03:38.199 --> 0:03:40.839 maybe deep down inside to a certain extent there is 0:03:40.850 --> 0:03:44.800 a bit of insecurity and that longing for external validation 0:03:44.809 --> 0:03:45.869 is actually pretty common. 0:03:45.880 --> 0:03:46.919 Is it because we feel 0:03:46.929 --> 0:03:47.669 like we're being an 0:03:47.679 --> 0:03:48.539 inconvenience 0:03:48.550 --> 0:03:51.279 to a certain extent? But there's no hard and fast rule. 0:03:51.289 --> 0:03:56.059 I'm really shocked, mortified. I am mortified. So you're saying 0:03:56.070 --> 0:04:00.240 that we over apologize because we feel like we're not 0:04:00.320 --> 0:04:04.520 enough to a certain extent deep down inside. It's something 0:04:04.529 --> 0:04:05.929 that we don't really think about 0:04:06.376 --> 0:04:09.817 subconscious. I mean, like in Singapore it's quite a fast 0:04:09.826 --> 0:04:12.966 paced lifestyle. How often do we just sit back and 0:04:12.977 --> 0:04:15.986 reflect on how it is that we are behaving? What 0:04:15.996 --> 0:04:18.647 is the, why behind why we do things, even the 0:04:18.657 --> 0:04:22.726 apologizing part. Why do you always start, do you over apologize? Yes. 0:04:22.916 --> 0:04:25.546 In the past, I did this a lot, a lot. 0:04:25.636 --> 0:04:28.397 But when I started becoming a bit more conscious of 0:04:28.407 --> 0:04:32.356 like starting my sentences with sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Then 0:04:32.367 --> 0:04:34.367 I realize why am I sorry? 0:04:34.523 --> 0:04:36.834 I don't need to be sorry. I find this a 0:04:36.843 --> 0:04:39.514 lot in Asian cultures and especially with women. Like when 0:04:39.523 --> 0:04:41.903 I went to America every time I wanted to get 0:04:41.914 --> 0:04:44.282 past in the hour I'd be like, sorry, sorry. Excuse me? 0:04:44.334 --> 0:04:47.033 They'd be like, you're fine just to apologize. I was like, oh, yeah, 0:04:47.044 --> 0:04:50.324 that's true. I don't have to apologize. Why am I saying? Sorry? 0:04:50.334 --> 0:04:52.402 I'm just trying to get past. Right. But it's almost 0:04:52.414 --> 0:04:55.864 like it's like a habit. It's come so naturally. Yeah. Yeah. 0:04:55.873 --> 0:04:56.633 And then I think 0:04:56.644 --> 0:04:58.694 we're taught here as well that it's a polite thing 0:04:58.704 --> 0:05:01.834 to say and we don't actually realize that we're apologizing, 0:05:01.843 --> 0:05:02.734 you know, that way. You 0:05:02.821 --> 0:05:06.061 not as a sorry, like an apology. Exactly. Using it 0:05:06.071 --> 0:05:09.390 because it sounds polite and sometimes it even becomes like 0:05:09.401 --> 0:05:12.881 a conversation starter. Like, even in, let's say our radio 0:05:12.890 --> 0:05:15.140 DJ S life will be like, sorry, what time are 0:05:15.151 --> 0:05:17.240 we coming back on air? Yes. Sorry. What time are 0:05:17.251 --> 0:05:18.691 you playing this song? But why do we have to 0:05:18.700 --> 0:05:19.851 say sorry, sorry, ask 0:05:19.860 --> 0:05:20.080 you, 0:05:20.091 --> 0:05:23.601 ah it's one of the ways to combat that to 0:05:23.610 --> 0:05:27.040 replace it with a different word like, excuse me or 0:05:27.050 --> 0:05:28.680 like, hey, what time are we come back? 0:05:28.690 --> 0:05:30.061 Hey, hey, hey, 0:05:31.619 --> 0:05:34.290 hey, yo, auntie, can you move out of the way 0:05:34.299 --> 0:05:36.600 that works too? Actually, 0:05:36.609 --> 0:05:39.890 that works. But do you find like this people pleasing thing? 0:05:40.190 --> 0:05:41.970 It's more common in women than in men 0:05:41.980 --> 0:05:45.709 actually to me? Yes, but it is not a gender thing. 0:05:45.720 --> 0:05:48.269 In fact, there are certain origins of people pleasing that 0:05:48.279 --> 0:05:50.519 are more catered to men. There's this thing called the 0:05:50.529 --> 0:05:53.269 f dead paradigm. So that one is more for guys 0:05:53.279 --> 0:05:55.368 having to fit in the roles of a father, the 0:05:55.380 --> 0:05:57.510 man of the house at an early stage. So that 0:05:57.519 --> 0:05:59.549 one not so much for women, but in general, in 0:05:59.559 --> 0:06:01.839 my coaching sessions, I like to talk about this thing 0:06:01.850 --> 0:06:06.329 called people pleasing styles. So there are quite a number 0:06:06.339 --> 0:06:08.049 but the one that I feel a lot of women 0:06:08.140 --> 0:06:11.659 fall under would be this dissociative people pleasing. So what 0:06:11.670 --> 0:06:15.350 happens over here is that people are controlled by this 0:06:15.359 --> 0:06:18.579 idea of what they're supposed to be, this identity, a 0:06:18.589 --> 0:06:21.959 perceived identity, which could be the good girl, the girl 0:06:21.970 --> 0:06:24.839 who always keeps her mouth shut, the girl who loves 0:06:24.850 --> 0:06:26.779 to help around the house, the one that will be 0:06:26.790 --> 0:06:28.880 a good housewife in future, you know, and we are 0:06:28.890 --> 0:06:32.480 stuck with that. And I mean, even in school, like 0:06:32.488 --> 0:06:34.599 for me, at least when I was younger, I still 0:06:34.609 --> 0:06:35.959 remember it was in kindergarten, 0:06:36.309 --> 0:06:39.089 I would see the boys are always the ones getting scolded. 0:06:39.100 --> 0:06:42.010 They're always running around, very happy making a lot of noise. 0:06:42.160 --> 0:06:44.049 And then the teachers would be like, look at the 0:06:44.059 --> 0:06:45.909 girls over there, they're so quiet. 0:06:46.178 --> 0:06:48.320 So we have been taught since young that that's the 0:06:48.329 --> 0:06:51.510 good image to reward you for that behavior. I think 0:06:51.519 --> 0:06:54.200 this is very apt you know, on what Azura said 0:06:54.209 --> 0:06:57.428 that people pleasing is a spectrum and maybe a lower 0:06:57.440 --> 0:07:00.469 end of the spectrum are things like over apologizing. But 0:07:00.480 --> 0:07:02.719 at the higher end of the spectrum, it could shape 0:07:02.730 --> 0:07:06.988 your entire life because you want to please society or 0:07:07.000 --> 0:07:09.910 you want to fit into a mold and you go 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:11.640 into something that you don't even like just to please 0:07:11.649 --> 0:07:14.709 people please your parents please society. Yeah. So one of 0:07:14.720 --> 0:07:15.519 the origins and 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:18.269 the origin of people pleasing is called the loading cycle. 0:07:18.279 --> 0:07:20.269 So in the loading cycle, you are lauded, you are 0:07:20.279 --> 0:07:24.040 praised for fitting into that norm that may not really 0:07:24.049 --> 0:07:27.100 be you, but you were taught since young that that's 0:07:27.109 --> 0:07:28.989 the way to be. That's how I should behave in 0:07:29.000 --> 0:07:30.859 order to get praised. I want to get praised. It's 0:07:30.869 --> 0:07:33.630 a nice feeling. Yeah. So we get stuck in that. 0:07:33.640 --> 0:07:35.980 I'm traumatized. I know it sounds like a lot of 0:07:35.989 --> 0:07:40.040 like childhood trauma that shapes us to become like that. 0:07:40.549 --> 0:07:43.380 I wouldn't call people pleasing a bad thing because there's 0:07:43.390 --> 0:07:44.309 good that comes out of it 0:07:45.019 --> 0:07:47.500 right now. I feel that. Ok, so I have a colleague. 0:07:47.510 --> 0:07:50.489 Shout out to Sheen. She's the nicest being ever like 0:07:50.500 --> 0:07:53.290 in chosen. So she's always there to help every single DJ, 0:07:53.299 --> 0:07:56.070 every single colleague. I wouldn't call her a people pleaser. 0:07:56.079 --> 0:07:57.609 But I do know for a fact that it's hard 0:07:57.619 --> 0:08:00.339 for her to say no. And sometimes I empathize with that. 0:08:00.350 --> 0:08:02.660 But as a result whenever she needs help from us, 0:08:02.670 --> 0:08:05.359 as jocks, we would go all out to help her. So, 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:07.459 you know, that's good that comes out of it. She 0:08:07.470 --> 0:08:10.950 is seen as a very nice person that we wouldn't 0:08:10.959 --> 0:08:12.640 want to hurt that all of us would want to 0:08:12.649 --> 0:08:14.350 go out of our way to help her be. 0:08:14.440 --> 0:08:15.510 So she's helped us first. 0:08:15.769 --> 0:08:18.549 I think that's really great. But it also depends on 0:08:18.559 --> 0:08:20.570 the kind of environment like it's really great that you 0:08:20.579 --> 0:08:23.279 guys are the nice kind that will reciprocate her kindness. 0:08:23.290 --> 0:08:26.230 But imagine if someone was placed in an environment where 0:08:26.239 --> 0:08:29.489 everyone's like taking advantage of you, then she wouldn't feel 0:08:29.500 --> 0:08:32.630 the same in such a state. I think I faced, 0:08:32.640 --> 0:08:37.219 I had to confront this people pleasing tendency in myself. 0:08:37.229 --> 0:08:40.590 Probably sometime last year, I reached a point of like, 0:08:40.599 --> 0:08:43.728 really bad burn out. And I realized that, you know, 0:08:44.109 --> 0:08:46.838 I was saying yes, too many things just to like 0:08:46.848 --> 0:08:50.679 almost like protect my place in the industry because everyone 0:08:50.689 --> 0:08:52.489 that invites you to something you kind of don't want 0:08:52.499 --> 0:08:54.108 to turn them down. You want to give them a 0:08:54.119 --> 0:08:55.828 bit of yourself. You want to give them a piece 0:08:55.838 --> 0:08:58.448 of your time to show them that they are important 0:08:58.458 --> 0:09:00.729 to you. And at the end of the day who suffers, 0:09:00.739 --> 0:09:04.708 it's me. I suffer. I'm miserable and that's not a 0:09:04.718 --> 0:09:05.809 way to live life. 0:09:06.072 --> 0:09:08.301 Yeah. One thing I realized about Jim is she will 0:09:08.312 --> 0:09:10.453 say yes to a lot of media invites. That's good. 0:09:10.463 --> 0:09:12.023 It's a win win thing because then you get to 0:09:12.033 --> 0:09:14.033 update your social media content. But at the same time 0:09:14.043 --> 0:09:17.242 as a friend, I'm concerned for you as to whether 0:09:17.252 --> 0:09:19.532 you have time for yourself to just rest, to be 0:09:19.543 --> 0:09:20.083 your loved ones 0:09:20.093 --> 0:09:21.492 or not. That's a very valid point. 0:09:21.502 --> 0:09:23.783 Yeah, I'm trying to reclaim some of that time for 0:09:23.793 --> 0:09:26.403 myself and just tell myself, hey, I deserve my own 0:09:26.413 --> 0:09:27.773 time too. Not just 0:09:28.106 --> 0:09:31.176 else. And what I'm left with is sitting with that 0:09:31.184 --> 0:09:34.125 guilt of not going to this or not saying yes 0:09:34.135 --> 0:09:37.415 or saying no, it's that guilt. That's like I feel bad, 0:09:37.426 --> 0:09:37.736 you know. 0:09:38.585 --> 0:09:39.096 You know, I know 0:09:39.106 --> 0:09:42.655 someone who used to people please a lot. And then 0:09:42.666 --> 0:09:45.945 one day someone told her if your answer is not 0:09:45.955 --> 0:09:48.276 a fuck yes, then it's a no, 0:09:48.285 --> 0:09:49.895 but most things are not. 0:09:50.869 --> 0:09:52.090 That is so 0:09:52.729 --> 0:09:55.590 you have to be really absolute and sure. I think 0:09:55.599 --> 0:09:58.309 from then on, she sort of like stopped, you know, 0:09:58.320 --> 0:10:01.890 like spreading herself too thin and just really made sure 0:10:01.900 --> 0:10:03.750 that it was something she really wanted to do. I 0:10:03.760 --> 0:10:06.089 think a lot of us might not get to that 0:10:06.099 --> 0:10:06.609 point 0:10:06.859 --> 0:10:09.320 because to a certain extent, we still feel like we 0:10:09.330 --> 0:10:11.859 have obligations or, you know, 0:10:11.869 --> 0:10:13.289 we just work. It's 0:10:13.299 --> 0:10:15.799 for this. Yeah, I mean, v you've seen a lot 0:10:15.809 --> 0:10:18.719 of people pleasers, you're a people pleaser, life coach. What, 0:10:18.729 --> 0:10:21.640 what is like, what are some of the worst cases 0:10:21.650 --> 0:10:22.869 you've seen? How has 0:10:23.280 --> 0:10:26.608 people pleasing affected their lives? The worst ones I would 0:10:26.619 --> 0:10:30.319 say is when they have panic attacks at work, they 0:10:30.330 --> 0:10:32.580 let it be such a huge part of their life 0:10:32.590 --> 0:10:36.659 that they can't stop it at work at home everywhere. 0:10:36.669 --> 0:10:40.130 But it's especially at work when you, if you break down, 0:10:40.140 --> 0:10:40.559 you have a panic 0:10:40.609 --> 0:10:43.250 attack, you then become a bit more anxious and like, 0:10:43.260 --> 0:10:46.098 oh no, I need to fix this even more and 0:10:46.109 --> 0:10:48.039 you become even more of a people pleaser. And then 0:10:48.049 --> 0:10:50.159 because you are becoming more of a people pleaser, you 0:10:50.169 --> 0:10:50.559 end up 0:10:50.570 --> 0:10:50.849 being more 0:10:50.859 --> 0:10:51.830 anxious. 0:10:51.900 --> 0:10:51.929 And 0:10:54.090 --> 0:10:56.150 another friend in industry was just telling me about this, 0:10:56.159 --> 0:10:57.789 that she knows someone who, 0:10:58.739 --> 0:11:01.200 it's just so nervous all the time that when they're 0:11:01.210 --> 0:11:03.260 just having a normal conversation like you and I, she 0:11:03.270 --> 0:11:07.090 would visually see hives breaking out on that person's face 0:11:07.099 --> 0:11:10.640 because she got so stressed over the work issue that 0:11:10.650 --> 0:11:14.179 they're talking about. So she does not know that this 0:11:14.190 --> 0:11:16.799 person is talking to. She doesn't know how to say no, 0:11:16.809 --> 0:11:20.349 how to reject people. She takes everything in and like 0:11:20.359 --> 0:11:22.718 hives just break out on the face and that makes 0:11:22.729 --> 0:11:24.000 my friend so stressed because 0:11:24.099 --> 0:11:26.140 she said, oh, I don't know whether to continue this 0:11:26.150 --> 0:11:28.140 conversation or not or should I be working with someone else? 0:11:28.150 --> 0:11:30.260 But the person she's talking to really wants to maintain 0:11:30.270 --> 0:11:32.549 that working relationship. So all the more she will go 0:11:32.559 --> 0:11:34.989 all out to say yes. 0:11:35.000 --> 0:11:35.010 Oh 0:11:35.020 --> 0:11:38.130 my God. I can actually empathize with that because actually 0:11:38.140 --> 0:11:39.630 I was one of those people who broke up in 0:11:39.640 --> 0:11:44.539 high school. Oh my goodness, guys. I know on your face. Yes. 0:11:44.549 --> 0:11:46.510 On my face. It will be only on my face 0:11:46.520 --> 0:11:48.479 and I don't know why I did not figure that out, 0:11:48.489 --> 0:11:49.409 but I know that I will 0:11:49.500 --> 0:11:52.630 feel some heat when I'm stressed and then yeah, the 0:11:52.640 --> 0:11:55.719 hives just come. I think that's a physiological thing. It's 0:11:55.729 --> 0:11:58.679 your body trying to protect you and get rid of 0:11:58.690 --> 0:12:01.450 the toxins and the negative feelings and it just comes 0:12:01.460 --> 0:12:03.840 out as hives. But how do they take to go away? 0:12:03.849 --> 0:12:07.238 Maybe about 1 to 2 hours for me? Ok. We 0:12:07.250 --> 0:12:11.640 have some stories here actually from Reddit about people pleases 0:12:11.650 --> 0:12:14.199 and you know how they kind of like recovered from that. 0:12:14.210 --> 0:12:14.799 This one 0:12:15.179 --> 0:12:19.090 is from a user called additional guest. She says that 0:12:19.099 --> 0:12:22.429 my people pleasing tendencies made me stay too long in 0:12:22.440 --> 0:12:26.539 roles and jobs that treated me like crap because unfortunately 0:12:26.549 --> 0:12:28.829 my self worth was tied to my job. I've canceled 0:12:28.840 --> 0:12:31.270 dates with my boyfriend and my friends to work and 0:12:31.309 --> 0:12:34.039 yet when I needed my shifts covered, no one would 0:12:34.049 --> 0:12:35.280 help me. I can 0:12:35.375 --> 0:12:38.635 everyone else's burdens. But when I needed support, I was 0:12:38.645 --> 0:12:42.174 left alone and my friendships were often very one sided. 0:12:42.184 --> 0:12:44.635 When I moved just 20 minutes away from my friends. 0:12:44.645 --> 0:12:46.864 People said that I was too far, but I've traveled 0:12:46.875 --> 0:12:50.505 much longer to see my friends. It was only after 0:12:50.515 --> 0:12:53.284 moving to a new state with no one checking in. 0:12:53.375 --> 0:12:55.434 I realized that I was truly on my own. 0:12:55.780 --> 0:12:58.239 And now I've learned my worth in the workplace. I 0:12:58.250 --> 0:13:01.960 quit toxic jobs without feeling too sensitive. I set boundaries 0:13:01.969 --> 0:13:04.829 and I prioritize my health, I even set boundaries with 0:13:04.840 --> 0:13:07.260 a friend who's always in crisis mode, right? Someone who's 0:13:07.270 --> 0:13:08.848 always like I need you, I need you, I need 0:13:08.859 --> 0:13:11.630 you and sometimes, you know, you feel like you want 0:13:11.640 --> 0:13:13.859 to give everything to them. But this person has said now, 0:13:13.869 --> 0:13:17.380 I can say I don't have the bandwidth. Let's reschedule. 0:13:17.390 --> 0:13:20.340 So I fill my own cup first before helping someone else. 0:13:20.349 --> 0:13:20.900 This is like 0:13:20.979 --> 0:13:23.919 on a plane, right? When they say like emergency landing, 0:13:23.929 --> 0:13:25.650 they always tell you save 0:13:26.409 --> 0:13:26.669 your 0:13:27.609 --> 0:13:30.339 own oxygen mask before you put on, even like your 0:13:30.349 --> 0:13:33.080 child put on your own first. I think this reminds 0:13:33.090 --> 0:13:35.710 me of that. I think this is a very real 0:13:35.719 --> 0:13:38.530 journey that many of us go through. It's really great 0:13:38.539 --> 0:13:41.000 that this person has managed to come out of that 0:13:41.010 --> 0:13:44.010 state knowing that that doesn't serve you that that kind 0:13:44.020 --> 0:13:45.909 of life being treated that way. It is not ok. 0:13:45.919 --> 0:13:46.098 I 0:13:46.200 --> 0:13:47.530 I feel like we need to be familiar with our 0:13:47.539 --> 0:13:51.219 own boundaries, our own limits. Because if we've been people pleasing, 0:13:51.229 --> 0:13:54.619 we've probably been people pleasing for a really long time. 0:13:54.630 --> 0:13:57.489 It's not something that just happens overnight. So it's very 0:13:57.500 --> 0:14:01.150 easy for this to become an autopilot response. So you 0:14:01.159 --> 0:14:04.659 have to set that time aside and reflect, truly reflect 0:14:04.669 --> 0:14:06.989 on like the way that person treated me is that 0:14:07.000 --> 0:14:10.659 really ok? And I genuinely ok with that. So we 0:14:10.669 --> 0:14:11.340 need to be in touch 0:14:11.419 --> 0:14:15.460 ourselves and then make a really firm decision on whether 0:14:15.469 --> 0:14:17.569 we want to continue being that way or not. 0:14:18.210 --> 0:14:18.559 I think 0:14:18.570 --> 0:14:21.039 this reminds me of myself a little bit because I 0:14:21.049 --> 0:14:23.489 think I used to people, please a lot more than 0:14:23.500 --> 0:14:26.580 I do now. But I also am, I'm very 0 0:14:26.590 --> 0:14:28.760 to 100. So it's a flip of a switch. Right. 0:14:28.770 --> 0:14:32.169 I used to never know how to leave anything. Like 0:14:32.179 --> 0:14:34.270 I've never left a job. I don't know how to 0:14:34.280 --> 0:14:36.520 leave a relationship, but at the same time 0:14:36.929 --> 0:14:39.309 I'll stick it out. And then when I'm done you 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:39.640 did 0:14:40.710 --> 0:14:42.780 it kind of like, it explodes in her mind. It 0:14:42.789 --> 0:14:45.760 goes boom and then she's like, yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. 0:14:45.770 --> 0:14:49.080 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then so sometimes it's like, I 0:14:49.090 --> 0:14:52.520 don't really find myself going out of my way to 0:14:52.530 --> 0:14:56.559 please someone, but I think it's also very 0 to 100. 0:14:56.570 --> 0:14:59.039 It's either I care or I don't. And it's like 0:14:59.109 --> 0:14:59.119 a 0:14:59.159 --> 0:15:02.799 but you're able to make that switch immediately. Not really, 0:15:02.809 --> 0:15:03.280 I really 0:15:03.650 --> 0:15:06.869 problem. I think the problem is that sometimes you, it's 0:15:06.880 --> 0:15:09.309 not that you go out with your way to please people, 0:15:09.419 --> 0:15:12.309 but you just kind of stick it through even though 0:15:12.320 --> 0:15:16.150 it causes you anguish because you don't want to inconvenience 0:15:16.159 --> 0:15:19.440 someone or you don't want to disappoint someone and that's 0:15:19.450 --> 0:15:21.340 all also part of people pleasing. 0:15:21.349 --> 0:15:21.630 Yeah. 0:15:21.640 --> 0:15:24.869 Like this next story here written by a guy online, 0:15:24.880 --> 0:15:27.330 he says oftentimes I end up giving up a girl. 0:15:27.340 --> 0:15:28.989 I had a crush on to friends who were more 0:15:29.000 --> 0:15:29.770 obsessed with them. 0:15:30.619 --> 0:15:33.190 Why? That's so sad, right? But anyway, he says this 0:15:33.200 --> 0:15:35.640 happened constantly when he was younger and he lost out 0:15:35.650 --> 0:15:37.580 on a few girls he really liked and felt a 0:15:37.590 --> 0:15:40.200 connection with. Looking back maybe it was for the best 0:15:40.210 --> 0:15:42.679 because he probably would have ruined those relationships as a 0:15:42.690 --> 0:15:46.080 people pleaser. So he realizes that right. And he says 0:15:46.090 --> 0:15:48.849 he gets his people pleasing tendencies came from his childhood 0:15:48.859 --> 0:15:52.039 trauma being bullied and he doesn't like conflicts. So he 0:15:52.049 --> 0:15:55.440 tried to keep the peace by pleasing others and guess what? 0:15:55.450 --> 0:15:58.320 He's a victim of racism. Like growing up, I think 0:15:58.330 --> 0:15:59.159 he had to face this 0:15:59.687 --> 0:16:02.598 insecurity in his heart. That's why he constantly felt like 0:16:02.607 --> 0:16:04.388 he was not good enough for the girls he felt 0:16:04.398 --> 0:16:05.228 a connection with. Yeah. 0:16:05.237 --> 0:16:08.138 So all the more you try to, you know, prove 0:16:08.148 --> 0:16:11.067 yourself right? I think it's almost like a defense mechanism 0:16:11.078 --> 0:16:12.197 at that point. 0:16:12.377 --> 0:16:15.197 So this really reminds me of wicked the movie when 0:16:15.208 --> 0:16:18.158 alphabet is really like trying to fit in. That's true. OK. Anyways, 0:16:18.168 --> 0:16:20.507 so question to v what are some of the practical 0:16:20.518 --> 0:16:23.978 ways we can disrupt the pattern of people pleasing? So 0:16:23.987 --> 0:16:25.828 here are a few examples. Tell us how you would 0:16:25.838 --> 0:16:27.797 navigate around them. OK. OK. OK. 0:16:27.895 --> 0:16:30.166 So how to say no in a non guilty way. 0:16:30.375 --> 0:16:33.075 Number one is the last minute work request. Your boss 0:16:33.085 --> 0:16:35.005 asked you to stay late to finish a project, but 0:16:35.015 --> 0:16:38.676 you've already got a personal commitment that you cannot reschedule. 0:16:38.856 --> 0:16:41.416 How do you turn out your boss while keeping it professional? 0:16:41.426 --> 0:16:41.505 So 0:16:41.515 --> 0:16:41.856 the first 0:16:41.866 --> 0:16:44.426 thing I would ask is ok. So when is this due? 0:16:44.435 --> 0:16:47.416 Is there urgent deadline tomorrow morning, tomorrow morning? Ok. I'll 0:16:47.426 --> 0:16:49.135 get it done by tomorrow morning, but I will not 0:16:49.145 --> 0:16:51.435