1 00:00:00,009 --> 00:00:00,270 Speaker 1: Hi, Tao. 2 00:00:00,560 --> 00:00:02,180 Speaker 2: Hey, it's Aura and I'm Jermaine 3 00:00:02,190 --> 00:00:04,289 Speaker 1: and welcome back to another episode of Gravity. Hash. 4 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,989 Speaker 1: Now, if you're tuning into this episode and you find 5 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,449 Speaker 1: that you're the type of people who always say yes, 6 00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:14,649 Speaker 1: when you more rather say no, this app is for you. Ok. 7 00:00:14,819 --> 00:00:17,159 Speaker 1: In today's episode, we are diving deep into the art 8 00:00:17,170 --> 00:00:20,079 Speaker 1: of people pleasing and why we often get stuck in 9 00:00:20,090 --> 00:00:20,290 Speaker 1: this 10 00:00:20,299 --> 00:00:20,639 Speaker 1: cycle. 11 00:00:20,649 --> 00:00:22,540 Speaker 2: I think it's something that afflicts a lot of us 12 00:00:22,944 --> 00:00:26,134 Speaker 2: we brought on an expert today. This is a people 13 00:00:26,145 --> 00:00:29,674 Speaker 2: pleaser life coach. She specializes in that, but not only that, 14 00:00:29,684 --> 00:00:33,514 Speaker 2: she's also a certified sound healing practitioner. She is a 15 00:00:33,525 --> 00:00:38,685 Speaker 2: relationship coach and an entrepreneur. Please welcome V 16 00:00:40,259 --> 00:00:43,009 Speaker 2: thank you so much for having me here. Ok? I 17 00:00:43,020 --> 00:00:47,168 Speaker 2: wouldn't call myself an expert, but yeah, I am running 18 00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:51,189 Speaker 2: my own little company mainly doing sound healing and also coaching, 19 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:54,860 Speaker 2: specializing in relationships and people pleasing behavior. So this company 20 00:00:54,869 --> 00:00:57,220 Speaker 2: of mine, it's called Infinity because I believe that there 21 00:00:57,229 --> 00:01:00,060 Speaker 2: are infinite ways to heal. And my name starts with 22 00:01:00,069 --> 00:01:02,700 Speaker 2: V Yeah, it's just like that. I love that. 23 00:01:02,709 --> 00:01:05,650 Speaker 1: V for what I'm guessing, Vanessa. Yes, 24 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:10,610 Speaker 2: Vanessa. Well, I love that. And you know, I've always 25 00:01:10,620 --> 00:01:14,769 Speaker 2: been very intrigued by like chakra work spiritual healing and Reiki. 26 00:01:14,779 --> 00:01:17,429 Speaker 2: So very interested to pick your mind today and also 27 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:20,250 Speaker 2: on how we can heal from being a people pleaser. 28 00:01:20,279 --> 00:01:21,250 Speaker 1: That's right. Yeah. 29 00:01:21,389 --> 00:01:23,510 Speaker 1: And I feel like people pleasing is a trait that's 30 00:01:23,519 --> 00:01:27,149 Speaker 1: very evident, especially in Asian cultures or Asian countries. I 31 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,529 Speaker 1: would call myself a people pleaser. 32 00:01:28,540 --> 00:01:29,089 Speaker 2: Yeah. So would 33 00:01:29,099 --> 00:01:29,300 Speaker 1: I 34 00:01:29,309 --> 00:01:30,768 Speaker 2: right. You just want to 35 00:01:31,230 --> 00:01:34,599 Speaker 2: appease someone else like and in Asian culture, you're very polite, 36 00:01:34,610 --> 00:01:36,940 Speaker 2: you just go out of your way to help someone 37 00:01:36,949 --> 00:01:37,900 Speaker 2: else kind of thing. 38 00:01:37,910 --> 00:01:37,979 Speaker 1: I 39 00:01:37,989 --> 00:01:40,980 Speaker 1: think you're taught from young to always like think about 40 00:01:40,989 --> 00:01:44,769 Speaker 1: others feelings, what they may think and I think we 41 00:01:44,779 --> 00:01:47,940 Speaker 1: carry that with us and it becomes these behaviors. 42 00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:51,690 Speaker 2: So v what is people pleasing to you? OK. So 43 00:01:51,699 --> 00:01:54,879 Speaker 2: people pleasing is a behavioral tendency whereby we tend to 44 00:01:54,889 --> 00:01:56,160 Speaker 2: put the needs, wants and 45 00:01:56,684 --> 00:02:00,675 Speaker 2: of others over our own at the expense of our 46 00:02:00,684 --> 00:02:04,135 Speaker 2: own mental wellness and our boundaries. So this is characterized 47 00:02:04,144 --> 00:02:08,654 Speaker 2: by behavior such as over apologizing, oh my God, just 48 00:02:08,663 --> 00:02:14,125 Speaker 2: me saying yes, just to maintain the peace, not expressing 49 00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:18,484 Speaker 2: our true thoughts and just going along with what everybody wants. Basically, 50 00:02:18,494 --> 00:02:21,475 Speaker 2: you tend to don't really have a sense of self. 51 00:02:23,169 --> 00:02:24,889 Speaker 2: I think that's a bit harsh to say like you 52 00:02:24,899 --> 00:02:27,270 Speaker 2: don't have a sense of self. I sometimes feel like 53 00:02:27,279 --> 00:02:30,649 Speaker 2: it's almost like you have a need to, you know, 54 00:02:30,679 --> 00:02:34,839 Speaker 2: just want to make peace and sometimes you forget what 55 00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:38,570 Speaker 2: you really want at the sake of appeasing others. 56 00:02:38,610 --> 00:02:38,949 Speaker 1: Exactly. 57 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,910 Speaker 2: You tend to lose the sense of self that was 58 00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:43,339 Speaker 2: once there. Yeah, that's true. 59 00:02:43,350 --> 00:02:44,220 Speaker 1: There's a range 60 00:02:44,229 --> 00:02:46,589 Speaker 1: to this. Right. I mean, you know, it's not one 61 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:47,070 Speaker 1: size fits 62 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:47,339 Speaker 1: all 63 00:02:47,350 --> 00:02:47,579 Speaker 2: right. 64 00:02:48,110 --> 00:02:48,339 Speaker 2: Not 65 00:02:48,770 --> 00:02:50,888 Speaker 1: so an example this year I was going through the 66 00:02:50,899 --> 00:02:54,470 Speaker 1: renovation for my place and everything and I was constantly 67 00:02:54,479 --> 00:02:57,149 Speaker 1: texting my ID. I did not realize that I was 68 00:02:57,160 --> 00:03:00,350 Speaker 1: over apologizing like for every text I sent him, I'll 69 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,210 Speaker 1: be like, oh, I'm so sorry. Can you help me 70 00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:03,389 Speaker 1: with this? Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you help me 71 00:03:03,399 --> 00:03:06,020 Speaker 1: with that? And two weeks he was like, yes, yes. OK. OK. 72 00:03:06,029 --> 00:03:07,679 Speaker 1: I'll do this. I'll do that and last but not 73 00:03:07,690 --> 00:03:09,600 Speaker 1: least stop saying sorry. So 74 00:03:09,610 --> 00:03:11,949 Speaker 1: he actually he 75 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:12,419 Speaker 1: brought that up 76 00:03:12,479 --> 00:03:13,860 Speaker 1: up to me and I was like, oh, I did 77 00:03:13,869 --> 00:03:16,888 Speaker 1: not realize I was saying sorry, like with every text 78 00:03:16,899 --> 00:03:17,398 Speaker 1: that I sent 79 00:03:17,410 --> 00:03:18,589 Speaker 1: him, why do we do that? 80 00:03:18,860 --> 00:03:21,228 Speaker 2: Because I find myself doing that every time I ask 81 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,309 Speaker 2: for a favor or even if it's not a favor, right? 82 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,690 Speaker 2: It's something that the other person is supposed to be doing. 83 00:03:25,699 --> 00:03:29,570 Speaker 2: I feel sorry for inconveniencing them. Why is that such 84 00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:32,800 Speaker 2: a common thing? It's that lack of self worth. Actually, 85 00:03:32,809 --> 00:03:35,550 Speaker 2: a lot of us are stuck in this thought whereby 86 00:03:35,559 --> 00:03:36,929 Speaker 2: I feel like I'm worth a lot, like 87 00:03:38,199 --> 00:03:40,839 Speaker 2: maybe deep down inside to a certain extent there is 88 00:03:40,850 --> 00:03:44,800 Speaker 2: a bit of insecurity and that longing for external validation 89 00:03:44,809 --> 00:03:45,869 Speaker 2: is actually pretty common. 90 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:46,919 Speaker 1: Is it because we feel 91 00:03:46,929 --> 00:03:47,669 Speaker 1: like we're being an 92 00:03:47,679 --> 00:03:48,539 Speaker 1: inconvenience 93 00:03:48,550 --> 00:03:51,279 Speaker 2: to a certain extent? But there's no hard and fast rule. 94 00:03:51,289 --> 00:03:56,059 Speaker 2: I'm really shocked, mortified. I am mortified. So you're saying 95 00:03:56,070 --> 00:04:00,240 Speaker 2: that we over apologize because we feel like we're not 96 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 2: enough to a certain extent deep down inside. It's something 97 00:04:04,529 --> 00:04:05,929 Speaker 2: that we don't really think about 98 00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:09,817 Speaker 2: subconscious. I mean, like in Singapore it's quite a fast 99 00:04:09,826 --> 00:04:12,966 Speaker 2: paced lifestyle. How often do we just sit back and 100 00:04:12,977 --> 00:04:15,986 Speaker 2: reflect on how it is that we are behaving? What 101 00:04:15,996 --> 00:04:18,647 Speaker 2: is the, why behind why we do things, even the 102 00:04:18,657 --> 00:04:22,726 Speaker 2: apologizing part. Why do you always start, do you over apologize? Yes. 103 00:04:22,916 --> 00:04:25,546 Speaker 2: In the past, I did this a lot, a lot. 104 00:04:25,636 --> 00:04:28,397 Speaker 2: But when I started becoming a bit more conscious of 105 00:04:28,407 --> 00:04:32,356 Speaker 2: like starting my sentences with sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Then 106 00:04:32,367 --> 00:04:34,367 Speaker 2: I realize why am I sorry? 107 00:04:34,523 --> 00:04:36,834 Speaker 2: I don't need to be sorry. I find this a 108 00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:39,514 Speaker 2: lot in Asian cultures and especially with women. Like when 109 00:04:39,523 --> 00:04:41,903 Speaker 2: I went to America every time I wanted to get 110 00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:44,282 Speaker 2: past in the hour I'd be like, sorry, sorry. Excuse me? 111 00:04:44,334 --> 00:04:47,033 Speaker 2: They'd be like, you're fine just to apologize. I was like, oh, yeah, 112 00:04:47,044 --> 00:04:50,324 Speaker 2: that's true. I don't have to apologize. Why am I saying? Sorry? 113 00:04:50,334 --> 00:04:52,402 Speaker 2: I'm just trying to get past. Right. But it's almost 114 00:04:52,414 --> 00:04:55,864 Speaker 2: like it's like a habit. It's come so naturally. Yeah. Yeah. 115 00:04:55,873 --> 00:04:56,633 Speaker 1: And then I think 116 00:04:56,644 --> 00:04:58,694 Speaker 1: we're taught here as well that it's a polite thing 117 00:04:58,704 --> 00:05:01,834 Speaker 1: to say and we don't actually realize that we're apologizing, 118 00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:02,734 Speaker 1: you know, that way. You 119 00:05:02,821 --> 00:05:06,061 Speaker 1: not as a sorry, like an apology. Exactly. Using it 120 00:05:06,071 --> 00:05:09,390 Speaker 1: because it sounds polite and sometimes it even becomes like 121 00:05:09,401 --> 00:05:12,881 Speaker 1: a conversation starter. Like, even in, let's say our radio 122 00:05:12,890 --> 00:05:15,140 Speaker 1: DJ S life will be like, sorry, what time are 123 00:05:15,151 --> 00:05:17,240 Speaker 1: we coming back on air? Yes. Sorry. What time are 124 00:05:17,251 --> 00:05:18,691 Speaker 1: you playing this song? But why do we have to 125 00:05:18,700 --> 00:05:19,851 Speaker 1: say sorry, sorry, ask 126 00:05:19,860 --> 00:05:20,080 Speaker 1: you, 127 00:05:20,091 --> 00:05:23,601 Speaker 2: ah it's one of the ways to combat that to 128 00:05:23,610 --> 00:05:27,040 Speaker 2: replace it with a different word like, excuse me or 129 00:05:27,050 --> 00:05:28,680 Speaker 1: like, hey, what time are we come back? 130 00:05:28,690 --> 00:05:30,061 Speaker 2: Hey, hey, hey, 131 00:05:31,619 --> 00:05:34,290 Speaker 2: hey, yo, auntie, can you move out of the way 132 00:05:34,299 --> 00:05:36,600 Speaker 2: that works too? Actually, 133 00:05:36,609 --> 00:05:39,890 Speaker 1: that works. But do you find like this people pleasing thing? 134 00:05:40,190 --> 00:05:41,970 Speaker 1: It's more common in women than in men 135 00:05:41,980 --> 00:05:45,709 Speaker 2: actually to me? Yes, but it is not a gender thing. 136 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,269 Speaker 2: In fact, there are certain origins of people pleasing that 137 00:05:48,279 --> 00:05:50,519 Speaker 2: are more catered to men. There's this thing called the 138 00:05:50,529 --> 00:05:53,269 Speaker 2: f dead paradigm. So that one is more for guys 139 00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:55,368 Speaker 2: having to fit in the roles of a father, the 140 00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:57,510 Speaker 2: man of the house at an early stage. So that 141 00:05:57,519 --> 00:05:59,549 Speaker 2: one not so much for women, but in general, in 142 00:05:59,559 --> 00:06:01,839 Speaker 2: my coaching sessions, I like to talk about this thing 143 00:06:01,850 --> 00:06:06,329 Speaker 2: called people pleasing styles. So there are quite a number 144 00:06:06,339 --> 00:06:08,049 Speaker 2: but the one that I feel a lot of women 145 00:06:08,140 --> 00:06:11,659 Speaker 2: fall under would be this dissociative people pleasing. So what 146 00:06:11,670 --> 00:06:15,350 Speaker 2: happens over here is that people are controlled by this 147 00:06:15,359 --> 00:06:18,579 Speaker 2: idea of what they're supposed to be, this identity, a 148 00:06:18,589 --> 00:06:21,959 Speaker 2: perceived identity, which could be the good girl, the girl 149 00:06:21,970 --> 00:06:24,839 Speaker 2: who always keeps her mouth shut, the girl who loves 150 00:06:24,850 --> 00:06:26,779 Speaker 2: to help around the house, the one that will be 151 00:06:26,790 --> 00:06:28,880 Speaker 2: a good housewife in future, you know, and we are 152 00:06:28,890 --> 00:06:32,480 Speaker 2: stuck with that. And I mean, even in school, like 153 00:06:32,488 --> 00:06:34,599 Speaker 2: for me, at least when I was younger, I still 154 00:06:34,609 --> 00:06:35,959 Speaker 2: remember it was in kindergarten, 155 00:06:36,309 --> 00:06:39,089 Speaker 2: I would see the boys are always the ones getting scolded. 156 00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:42,010 Speaker 2: They're always running around, very happy making a lot of noise. 157 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,049 Speaker 2: And then the teachers would be like, look at the 158 00:06:44,059 --> 00:06:45,909 Speaker 2: girls over there, they're so quiet. 159 00:06:46,178 --> 00:06:48,320 Speaker 2: So we have been taught since young that that's the 160 00:06:48,329 --> 00:06:51,510 Speaker 2: good image to reward you for that behavior. I think 161 00:06:51,519 --> 00:06:54,200 Speaker 2: this is very apt you know, on what Azura said 162 00:06:54,209 --> 00:06:57,428 Speaker 2: that people pleasing is a spectrum and maybe a lower 163 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:00,469 Speaker 2: end of the spectrum are things like over apologizing. But 164 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:02,719 Speaker 2: at the higher end of the spectrum, it could shape 165 00:07:02,730 --> 00:07:06,988 Speaker 2: your entire life because you want to please society or 166 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,910 Speaker 2: you want to fit into a mold and you go 167 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:11,640 Speaker 2: into something that you don't even like just to please 168 00:07:11,649 --> 00:07:14,709 Speaker 2: people please your parents please society. Yeah. So one of 169 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:15,519 Speaker 2: the origins and 170 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,269 Speaker 2: the origin of people pleasing is called the loading cycle. 171 00:07:18,279 --> 00:07:20,269 Speaker 2: So in the loading cycle, you are lauded, you are 172 00:07:20,279 --> 00:07:24,040 Speaker 2: praised for fitting into that norm that may not really 173 00:07:24,049 --> 00:07:27,100 Speaker 2: be you, but you were taught since young that that's 174 00:07:27,109 --> 00:07:28,989 Speaker 2: the way to be. That's how I should behave in 175 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:30,859 Speaker 2: order to get praised. I want to get praised. It's 176 00:07:30,869 --> 00:07:33,630 Speaker 2: a nice feeling. Yeah. So we get stuck in that. 177 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:35,980 Speaker 2: I'm traumatized. I know it sounds like a lot of 178 00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:40,040 Speaker 2: like childhood trauma that shapes us to become like that. 179 00:07:40,549 --> 00:07:43,380 Speaker 1: I wouldn't call people pleasing a bad thing because there's 180 00:07:43,390 --> 00:07:44,309 Speaker 1: good that comes out of it 181 00:07:45,019 --> 00:07:47,500 Speaker 1: right now. I feel that. Ok, so I have a colleague. 182 00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:50,489 Speaker 1: Shout out to Sheen. She's the nicest being ever like 183 00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:53,290 Speaker 1: in chosen. So she's always there to help every single DJ, 184 00:07:53,299 --> 00:07:56,070 Speaker 1: every single colleague. I wouldn't call her a people pleaser. 185 00:07:56,079 --> 00:07:57,609 Speaker 1: But I do know for a fact that it's hard 186 00:07:57,619 --> 00:08:00,339 Speaker 1: for her to say no. And sometimes I empathize with that. 187 00:08:00,350 --> 00:08:02,660 Speaker 1: But as a result whenever she needs help from us, 188 00:08:02,670 --> 00:08:05,359 Speaker 1: as jocks, we would go all out to help her. So, 189 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,459 Speaker 1: you know, that's good that comes out of it. She 190 00:08:07,470 --> 00:08:10,950 Speaker 1: is seen as a very nice person that we wouldn't 191 00:08:10,959 --> 00:08:12,640 Speaker 1: want to hurt that all of us would want to 192 00:08:12,649 --> 00:08:14,350 Speaker 1: go out of our way to help her be. 193 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:15,510 Speaker 1: So she's helped us first. 194 00:08:15,769 --> 00:08:18,549 Speaker 2: I think that's really great. But it also depends on 195 00:08:18,559 --> 00:08:20,570 Speaker 2: the kind of environment like it's really great that you 196 00:08:20,579 --> 00:08:23,279 Speaker 2: guys are the nice kind that will reciprocate her kindness. 197 00:08:23,290 --> 00:08:26,230 Speaker 2: But imagine if someone was placed in an environment where 198 00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:29,489 Speaker 2: everyone's like taking advantage of you, then she wouldn't feel 199 00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:32,630 Speaker 2: the same in such a state. I think I faced, 200 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:37,219 Speaker 2: I had to confront this people pleasing tendency in myself. 201 00:08:37,229 --> 00:08:40,590 Speaker 2: Probably sometime last year, I reached a point of like, 202 00:08:40,599 --> 00:08:43,728 Speaker 2: really bad burn out. And I realized that, you know, 203 00:08:44,109 --> 00:08:46,838 Speaker 2: I was saying yes, too many things just to like 204 00:08:46,848 --> 00:08:50,679 Speaker 2: almost like protect my place in the industry because everyone 205 00:08:50,689 --> 00:08:52,489 Speaker 2: that invites you to something you kind of don't want 206 00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,108 Speaker 2: to turn them down. You want to give them a 207 00:08:54,119 --> 00:08:55,828 Speaker 2: bit of yourself. You want to give them a piece 208 00:08:55,838 --> 00:08:58,448 Speaker 2: of your time to show them that they are important 209 00:08:58,458 --> 00:09:00,729 Speaker 2: to you. And at the end of the day who suffers, 210 00:09:00,739 --> 00:09:04,708 Speaker 2: it's me. I suffer. I'm miserable and that's not a 211 00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:05,809 Speaker 2: way to live life. 212 00:09:06,072 --> 00:09:08,301 Speaker 1: Yeah. One thing I realized about Jim is she will 213 00:09:08,312 --> 00:09:10,453 Speaker 1: say yes to a lot of media invites. That's good. 214 00:09:10,463 --> 00:09:12,023 Speaker 1: It's a win win thing because then you get to 215 00:09:12,033 --> 00:09:14,033 Speaker 1: update your social media content. But at the same time 216 00:09:14,043 --> 00:09:17,242 Speaker 1: as a friend, I'm concerned for you as to whether 217 00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:19,532 Speaker 1: you have time for yourself to just rest, to be 218 00:09:19,543 --> 00:09:20,083 Speaker 1: your loved ones 219 00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,492 Speaker 1: or not. That's a very valid point. 220 00:09:21,502 --> 00:09:23,783 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm trying to reclaim some of that time for 221 00:09:23,793 --> 00:09:26,403 Speaker 2: myself and just tell myself, hey, I deserve my own 222 00:09:26,413 --> 00:09:27,773 Speaker 2: time too. Not just 223 00:09:28,106 --> 00:09:31,176 Speaker 2: else. And what I'm left with is sitting with that 224 00:09:31,184 --> 00:09:34,125 Speaker 2: guilt of not going to this or not saying yes 225 00:09:34,135 --> 00:09:37,415 Speaker 2: or saying no, it's that guilt. That's like I feel bad, 226 00:09:37,426 --> 00:09:37,736 Speaker 2: you know. 227 00:09:38,585 --> 00:09:39,096 Speaker 1: You know, I know 228 00:09:39,106 --> 00:09:42,655 Speaker 1: someone who used to people please a lot. And then 229 00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:45,945 Speaker 1: one day someone told her if your answer is not 230 00:09:45,955 --> 00:09:48,276 Speaker 1: a fuck yes, then it's a no, 231 00:09:48,285 --> 00:09:49,895 Speaker 2: but most things are not. 232 00:09:50,869 --> 00:09:52,090 Speaker 1: That is so 233 00:09:52,729 --> 00:09:55,590 Speaker 1: you have to be really absolute and sure. I think 234 00:09:55,599 --> 00:09:58,309 Speaker 1: from then on, she sort of like stopped, you know, 235 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,890 Speaker 1: like spreading herself too thin and just really made sure 236 00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:03,750 Speaker 1: that it was something she really wanted to do. I 237 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:06,089 Speaker 1: think a lot of us might not get to that 238 00:10:06,099 --> 00:10:06,609 Speaker 1: point 239 00:10:06,859 --> 00:10:09,320 Speaker 1: because to a certain extent, we still feel like we 240 00:10:09,330 --> 00:10:11,859 Speaker 1: have obligations or, you know, 241 00:10:11,869 --> 00:10:13,289 Speaker 1: we just work. It's 242 00:10:13,299 --> 00:10:15,799 Speaker 2: for this. Yeah, I mean, v you've seen a lot 243 00:10:15,809 --> 00:10:18,719 Speaker 2: of people pleasers, you're a people pleaser, life coach. What, 244 00:10:18,729 --> 00:10:21,640 Speaker 2: what is like, what are some of the worst cases 245 00:10:21,650 --> 00:10:22,869 Speaker 2: you've seen? How has 246 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:26,608 Speaker 2: people pleasing affected their lives? The worst ones I would 247 00:10:26,619 --> 00:10:30,319 Speaker 2: say is when they have panic attacks at work, they 248 00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,580 Speaker 2: let it be such a huge part of their life 249 00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:36,659 Speaker 2: that they can't stop it at work at home everywhere. 250 00:10:36,669 --> 00:10:40,130 Speaker 2: But it's especially at work when you, if you break down, 251 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:40,559 Speaker 2: you have a panic 252 00:10:40,609 --> 00:10:43,250 Speaker 2: attack, you then become a bit more anxious and like, 253 00:10:43,260 --> 00:10:46,098 Speaker 2: oh no, I need to fix this even more and 254 00:10:46,109 --> 00:10:48,039 Speaker 2: you become even more of a people pleaser. And then 255 00:10:48,049 --> 00:10:50,159 Speaker 2: because you are becoming more of a people pleaser, you 256 00:10:50,169 --> 00:10:50,559 Speaker 2: end up 257 00:10:50,570 --> 00:10:50,849 Speaker 1: being more 258 00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:51,830 Speaker 2: anxious. 259 00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:51,929 Speaker 1: And 260 00:10:54,090 --> 00:10:56,150 Speaker 1: another friend in industry was just telling me about this, 261 00:10:56,159 --> 00:10:57,789 Speaker 1: that she knows someone who, 262 00:10:58,739 --> 00:11:01,200 Speaker 1: it's just so nervous all the time that when they're 263 00:11:01,210 --> 00:11:03,260 Speaker 1: just having a normal conversation like you and I, she 264 00:11:03,270 --> 00:11:07,090 Speaker 1: would visually see hives breaking out on that person's face 265 00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:10,640 Speaker 1: because she got so stressed over the work issue that 266 00:11:10,650 --> 00:11:14,179 Speaker 1: they're talking about. So she does not know that this 267 00:11:14,190 --> 00:11:16,799 Speaker 1: person is talking to. She doesn't know how to say no, 268 00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:20,349 Speaker 1: how to reject people. She takes everything in and like 269 00:11:20,359 --> 00:11:22,718 Speaker 1: hives just break out on the face and that makes 270 00:11:22,729 --> 00:11:24,000 Speaker 1: my friend so stressed because 271 00:11:24,099 --> 00:11:26,140 Speaker 1: she said, oh, I don't know whether to continue this 272 00:11:26,150 --> 00:11:28,140 Speaker 1: conversation or not or should I be working with someone else? 273 00:11:28,150 --> 00:11:30,260 Speaker 1: But the person she's talking to really wants to maintain 274 00:11:30,270 --> 00:11:32,549 Speaker 1: that working relationship. So all the more she will go 275 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,989 Speaker 1: all out to say yes. 276 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:35,010 Speaker 2: Oh 277 00:11:35,020 --> 00:11:38,130 Speaker 2: my God. I can actually empathize with that because actually 278 00:11:38,140 --> 00:11:39,630 Speaker 2: I was one of those people who broke up in 279 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:44,539 Speaker 2: high school. Oh my goodness, guys. I know on your face. Yes. 280 00:11:44,549 --> 00:11:46,510 Speaker 2: On my face. It will be only on my face 281 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,479 Speaker 2: and I don't know why I did not figure that out, 282 00:11:48,489 --> 00:11:49,409 Speaker 2: but I know that I will 283 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,630 Speaker 2: feel some heat when I'm stressed and then yeah, the 284 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:55,719 Speaker 2: hives just come. I think that's a physiological thing. It's 285 00:11:55,729 --> 00:11:58,679 Speaker 2: your body trying to protect you and get rid of 286 00:11:58,690 --> 00:12:01,450 Speaker 2: the toxins and the negative feelings and it just comes 287 00:12:01,460 --> 00:12:03,840 Speaker 2: out as hives. But how do they take to go away? 288 00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:07,238 Speaker 2: Maybe about 1 to 2 hours for me? Ok. We 289 00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:11,640 Speaker 2: have some stories here actually from Reddit about people pleases 290 00:12:11,650 --> 00:12:14,199 Speaker 2: and you know how they kind of like recovered from that. 291 00:12:14,210 --> 00:12:14,799 Speaker 2: This one 292 00:12:15,179 --> 00:12:19,090 Speaker 2: is from a user called additional guest. She says that 293 00:12:19,099 --> 00:12:22,429 Speaker 2: my people pleasing tendencies made me stay too long in 294 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:26,539 Speaker 2: roles and jobs that treated me like crap because unfortunately 295 00:12:26,549 --> 00:12:28,829 Speaker 2: my self worth was tied to my job. I've canceled 296 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:31,270 Speaker 2: dates with my boyfriend and my friends to work and 297 00:12:31,309 --> 00:12:34,039 Speaker 2: yet when I needed my shifts covered, no one would 298 00:12:34,049 --> 00:12:35,280 Speaker 2: help me. I can 299 00:12:35,375 --> 00:12:38,635 Speaker 2: everyone else's burdens. But when I needed support, I was 300 00:12:38,645 --> 00:12:42,174 Speaker 2: left alone and my friendships were often very one sided. 301 00:12:42,184 --> 00:12:44,635 Speaker 2: When I moved just 20 minutes away from my friends. 302 00:12:44,645 --> 00:12:46,864 Speaker 2: People said that I was too far, but I've traveled 303 00:12:46,875 --> 00:12:50,505 Speaker 2: much longer to see my friends. It was only after 304 00:12:50,515 --> 00:12:53,284 Speaker 2: moving to a new state with no one checking in. 305 00:12:53,375 --> 00:12:55,434 Speaker 2: I realized that I was truly on my own. 306 00:12:55,780 --> 00:12:58,239 Speaker 2: And now I've learned my worth in the workplace. I 307 00:12:58,250 --> 00:13:01,960 Speaker 2: quit toxic jobs without feeling too sensitive. I set boundaries 308 00:13:01,969 --> 00:13:04,829 Speaker 2: and I prioritize my health, I even set boundaries with 309 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,260 Speaker 2: a friend who's always in crisis mode, right? Someone who's 310 00:13:07,270 --> 00:13:08,848 Speaker 2: always like I need you, I need you, I need 311 00:13:08,859 --> 00:13:11,630 Speaker 2: you and sometimes, you know, you feel like you want 312 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,859 Speaker 2: to give everything to them. But this person has said now, 313 00:13:13,869 --> 00:13:17,380 Speaker 2: I can say I don't have the bandwidth. Let's reschedule. 314 00:13:17,390 --> 00:13:20,340 Speaker 2: So I fill my own cup first before helping someone else. 315 00:13:20,349 --> 00:13:20,900 Speaker 2: This is like 316 00:13:20,979 --> 00:13:23,919 Speaker 2: on a plane, right? When they say like emergency landing, 317 00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:25,650 Speaker 2: they always tell you save 318 00:13:26,409 --> 00:13:26,669 Speaker 2: your 319 00:13:27,609 --> 00:13:30,339 Speaker 2: own oxygen mask before you put on, even like your 320 00:13:30,349 --> 00:13:33,080 Speaker 2: child put on your own first. I think this reminds 321 00:13:33,090 --> 00:13:35,710 Speaker 2: me of that. I think this is a very real 322 00:13:35,719 --> 00:13:38,530 Speaker 2: journey that many of us go through. It's really great 323 00:13:38,539 --> 00:13:41,000 Speaker 2: that this person has managed to come out of that 324 00:13:41,010 --> 00:13:44,010 Speaker 2: state knowing that that doesn't serve you that that kind 325 00:13:44,020 --> 00:13:45,909 Speaker 2: of life being treated that way. It is not ok. 326 00:13:45,919 --> 00:13:46,098 Speaker 2: I 327 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,530 Speaker 2: I feel like we need to be familiar with our 328 00:13:47,539 --> 00:13:51,219 Speaker 2: own boundaries, our own limits. Because if we've been people pleasing, 329 00:13:51,229 --> 00:13:54,619 Speaker 2: we've probably been people pleasing for a really long time. 330 00:13:54,630 --> 00:13:57,489 Speaker 2: It's not something that just happens overnight. So it's very 331 00:13:57,500 --> 00:14:01,150 Speaker 2: easy for this to become an autopilot response. So you 332 00:14:01,159 --> 00:14:04,659 Speaker 2: have to set that time aside and reflect, truly reflect 333 00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:06,989 Speaker 2: on like the way that person treated me is that 334 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,659 Speaker 2: really ok? And I genuinely ok with that. So we 335 00:14:10,669 --> 00:14:11,340 Speaker 2: need to be in touch 336 00:14:11,419 --> 00:14:15,460 Speaker 2: ourselves and then make a really firm decision on whether 337 00:14:15,469 --> 00:14:17,569 Speaker 2: we want to continue being that way or not. 338 00:14:18,210 --> 00:14:18,559 Speaker 1: I think 339 00:14:18,570 --> 00:14:21,039 Speaker 1: this reminds me of myself a little bit because I 340 00:14:21,049 --> 00:14:23,489 Speaker 1: think I used to people, please a lot more than 341 00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:26,580 Speaker 1: I do now. But I also am, I'm very 0 342 00:14:26,590 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 1: to 100. So it's a flip of a switch. Right. 343 00:14:28,770 --> 00:14:32,169 Speaker 1: I used to never know how to leave anything. Like 344 00:14:32,179 --> 00:14:34,270 Speaker 1: I've never left a job. I don't know how to 345 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,520 Speaker 1: leave a relationship, but at the same time 346 00:14:36,929 --> 00:14:39,309 Speaker 1: I'll stick it out. And then when I'm done you 347 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:39,640 Speaker 1: did 348 00:14:40,710 --> 00:14:42,780 Speaker 2: it kind of like, it explodes in her mind. It 349 00:14:42,789 --> 00:14:45,760 Speaker 2: goes boom and then she's like, yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. 350 00:14:45,770 --> 00:14:49,080 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then so sometimes it's like, I 351 00:14:49,090 --> 00:14:52,520 Speaker 1: don't really find myself going out of my way to 352 00:14:52,530 --> 00:14:56,559 Speaker 1: please someone, but I think it's also very 0 to 100. 353 00:14:56,570 --> 00:14:59,039 Speaker 1: It's either I care or I don't. And it's like 354 00:14:59,109 --> 00:14:59,119 Speaker 1: a 355 00:14:59,159 --> 00:15:02,799 Speaker 2: but you're able to make that switch immediately. Not really, 356 00:15:02,809 --> 00:15:03,280 Speaker 2: I really 357 00:15:03,650 --> 00:15:06,869 Speaker 2: problem. I think the problem is that sometimes you, it's 358 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,309 Speaker 2: not that you go out with your way to please people, 359 00:15:09,419 --> 00:15:12,309 Speaker 2: but you just kind of stick it through even though 360 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:16,150 Speaker 2: it causes you anguish because you don't want to inconvenience 361 00:15:16,159 --> 00:15:19,440 Speaker 2: someone or you don't want to disappoint someone and that's 362 00:15:19,450 --> 00:15:21,340 Speaker 2: all also part of people pleasing. 363 00:15:21,349 --> 00:15:21,630 Speaker 1: Yeah. 364 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:24,869 Speaker 1: Like this next story here written by a guy online, 365 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:27,330 Speaker 1: he says oftentimes I end up giving up a girl. 366 00:15:27,340 --> 00:15:28,989 Speaker 1: I had a crush on to friends who were more 367 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:29,770 Speaker 1: obsessed with them. 368 00:15:30,619 --> 00:15:33,190 Speaker 1: Why? That's so sad, right? But anyway, he says this 369 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,640 Speaker 1: happened constantly when he was younger and he lost out 370 00:15:35,650 --> 00:15:37,580 Speaker 1: on a few girls he really liked and felt a 371 00:15:37,590 --> 00:15:40,200 Speaker 1: connection with. Looking back maybe it was for the best 372 00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:42,679 Speaker 1: because he probably would have ruined those relationships as a 373 00:15:42,690 --> 00:15:46,080 Speaker 1: people pleaser. So he realizes that right. And he says 374 00:15:46,090 --> 00:15:48,849 Speaker 1: he gets his people pleasing tendencies came from his childhood 375 00:15:48,859 --> 00:15:52,039 Speaker 1: trauma being bullied and he doesn't like conflicts. So he 376 00:15:52,049 --> 00:15:55,440 Speaker 1: tried to keep the peace by pleasing others and guess what? 377 00:15:55,450 --> 00:15:58,320 Speaker 1: He's a victim of racism. Like growing up, I think 378 00:15:58,330 --> 00:15:59,159 Speaker 1: he had to face this 379 00:15:59,687 --> 00:16:02,598 Speaker 1: insecurity in his heart. That's why he constantly felt like 380 00:16:02,607 --> 00:16:04,388 Speaker 1: he was not good enough for the girls he felt 381 00:16:04,398 --> 00:16:05,228 Speaker 1: a connection with. Yeah. 382 00:16:05,237 --> 00:16:08,138 Speaker 2: So all the more you try to, you know, prove 383 00:16:08,148 --> 00:16:11,067 Speaker 2: yourself right? I think it's almost like a defense mechanism 384 00:16:11,078 --> 00:16:12,197 Speaker 2: at that point. 385 00:16:12,377 --> 00:16:15,197 Speaker 1: So this really reminds me of wicked the movie when 386 00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:18,158 Speaker 1: alphabet is really like trying to fit in. That's true. OK. Anyways, 387 00:16:18,168 --> 00:16:20,507 Speaker 1: so question to v what are some of the practical 388 00:16:20,518 --> 00:16:23,978 Speaker 1: ways we can disrupt the pattern of people pleasing? So 389 00:16:23,987 --> 00:16:25,828 Speaker 1: here are a few examples. Tell us how you would 390 00:16:25,838 --> 00:16:27,797 Speaker 1: navigate around them. OK. OK. OK. 391 00:16:27,895 --> 00:16:30,166 Speaker 1: So how to say no in a non guilty way. 392 00:16:30,375 --> 00:16:33,075 Speaker 1: Number one is the last minute work request. Your boss 393 00:16:33,085 --> 00:16:35,005 Speaker 1: asked you to stay late to finish a project, but 394 00:16:35,015 --> 00:16:38,676 Speaker 1: you've already got a personal commitment that you cannot reschedule. 395 00:16:38,856 --> 00:16:41,416 Speaker 1: How do you turn out your boss while keeping it professional? 396 00:16:41,426 --> 00:16:41,505 Speaker 1: So 397 00:16:41,515 --> 00:16:41,856 Speaker 2: the first 398 00:16:41,866 --> 00:16:44,426 Speaker 2: thing I would ask is ok. So when is this due? 399 00:16:44,435 --> 00:16:47,416 Speaker 2: Is there urgent deadline tomorrow morning, tomorrow morning? Ok. I'll 400 00:16:47,426 --> 00:16:49,135 Speaker 2: get it done by tomorrow morning, but I will not 401 00:16:49,145 --> 00:16:51,435 Speaker 2: be able to stay tonight as I have a personal commitment. 402 00:16:51,606 --> 00:16:53,786 Speaker 2: I'll make sure it's done by then. I think it depends. 403 00:16:53,986 --> 00:16:56,435 Speaker 2: Like was this really? It was a last minute request 404 00:16:56,823 --> 00:16:59,434 Speaker 2: then it shouldn't have been a last minute request because 405 00:16:59,443 --> 00:17:02,244 Speaker 2: your life doesn't just revolve around your job. If you 406 00:17:02,254 --> 00:17:05,592 Speaker 2: had given the employee ample time and the deadline is 407 00:17:05,604 --> 00:17:08,313 Speaker 2: tomorrow morning and she hasn't finished it, I think your 408 00:17:08,323 --> 00:17:11,144 Speaker 2: employees should be staying late because you've given them ample time. 409 00:17:11,203 --> 00:17:14,213 Speaker 2: But if this is a last minute request, it's like 410 00:17:14,523 --> 00:17:17,313 Speaker 2: my life revolves around your schedule. I would want to 411 00:17:17,323 --> 00:17:20,404 Speaker 2: understand like, what is this project first? But once I 412 00:17:20,413 --> 00:17:22,052 Speaker 2: find out about it and I have to check in 413 00:17:22,063 --> 00:17:24,453 Speaker 2: my own capacity. Do I have the capacity to do that? 414 00:17:24,463 --> 00:17:25,073 Speaker 2: Because for 415 00:17:25,171 --> 00:17:27,831 Speaker 2: me personally, if I have a commitment, I will still 416 00:17:27,842 --> 00:17:30,692 Speaker 2: want to go for my personal commitment. Just that if 417 00:17:30,702 --> 00:17:33,791 Speaker 2: this is really truly important and the circumstances around it 418 00:17:33,802 --> 00:17:36,791 Speaker 2: are that really, this is something that only I can 419 00:17:36,802 --> 00:17:39,271 Speaker 2: do by that point of time, then I'll just find 420 00:17:39,281 --> 00:17:41,081 Speaker 2: a way to get that done to the best of 421 00:17:41,092 --> 00:17:44,112 Speaker 2: my ability. But then I will not forego that thing 422 00:17:44,121 --> 00:17:47,831 Speaker 2: that I was supposed to attend because that's my priority. Yeah, 423 00:17:47,921 --> 00:17:50,631 Speaker 2: you really be very firm and, and you know, just 424 00:17:50,641 --> 00:17:51,631 Speaker 2: like this is my time, 425 00:17:51,641 --> 00:17:52,791 Speaker 1: I have a question 426 00:17:52,962 --> 00:17:53,712 Speaker 1: if you 427 00:17:53,810 --> 00:17:57,069 Speaker 1: tend to phrase it in such a way, like, oh, 428 00:17:57,079 --> 00:18:00,819 Speaker 1: how important or how urgent is it like asking the 429 00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:03,208 Speaker 1: sort of questions to your boss instead of going straight 430 00:18:03,219 --> 00:18:04,979 Speaker 1: to saying like, oh, I've got a commitment and I 431 00:18:04,989 --> 00:18:08,280 Speaker 1: can't do it. But if you try and accommodate, does 432 00:18:08,290 --> 00:18:08,790 Speaker 1: that make you 433 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:09,550 Speaker 1: a people pleaser? 434 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,790 Speaker 2: I think it depends how you want to look at it. Actually, 435 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,229 Speaker 2: for me, it's I'm finding out facts so that I 436 00:18:14,239 --> 00:18:16,109 Speaker 2: know whether it makes sense or not for me to 437 00:18:16,119 --> 00:18:18,270 Speaker 2: complete it by then. So if he tells me the 438 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,629 Speaker 2: context and I recognize that this is something. Ok, I 439 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:22,349 Speaker 2: think I can get it done. Just not now. 440 00:18:22,446 --> 00:18:24,338 Speaker 2: You just have to accept that. Not now, but I 441 00:18:24,348 --> 00:18:26,637 Speaker 2: do need to know the information first and if it's 442 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:29,067 Speaker 2: really something that I can't handle, then I'll be like, sorry, 443 00:18:29,078 --> 00:18:31,508 Speaker 2: I don't think I can do that today. Ok. How 444 00:18:31,517 --> 00:18:34,147 Speaker 2: about this one? Right. So all your friends want you 445 00:18:34,157 --> 00:18:36,686 Speaker 2: to go out to a party, but you are really 446 00:18:36,696 --> 00:18:38,647 Speaker 2: drained and you're really tired and you would rather stay 447 00:18:38,657 --> 00:18:42,067 Speaker 2: at home. How do you kind of like decline this 448 00:18:42,078 --> 00:18:45,187 Speaker 2: offer to go out without making it seem like you 449 00:18:45,196 --> 00:18:46,987 Speaker 2: don't want to not be invited next time. You don't 450 00:18:46,998 --> 00:18:49,137 Speaker 2: want to be like party pooper, you know, but you're 451 00:18:49,147 --> 00:18:50,988 Speaker 2: just really, really tired today. So I'll just be 452 00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:53,995 Speaker 2: quite straightforward with a OK, I'm gonna pass today, but 453 00:18:54,005 --> 00:18:55,715 Speaker 2: please go ahead and have fun. I'll see you guys 454 00:18:55,725 --> 00:18:58,775 Speaker 2: at the next party. So put it in their mind, 455 00:18:58,786 --> 00:19:01,306 Speaker 2: like invite me next time, see you. 456 00:19:01,316 --> 00:19:03,725 Speaker 1: OK? This next one, I think this is very sensitive, 457 00:19:03,845 --> 00:19:05,906 Speaker 1: a friend who has a history of not paying back, 458 00:19:05,916 --> 00:19:09,546 Speaker 1: asked to borrow a significant amount of money. You're uncomfortable 459 00:19:09,556 --> 00:19:11,075 Speaker 1: lending it to him, but you don't want to hurt 460 00:19:11,086 --> 00:19:12,536 Speaker 1: the friendship. What do you say 461 00:19:12,546 --> 00:19:12,855 Speaker 2: this 462 00:19:12,865 --> 00:19:13,245 Speaker 1: actually 463 00:19:13,255 --> 00:19:16,926 Speaker 2: happened to me before? Yeah. So what I told it 464 00:19:16,936 --> 00:19:19,135 Speaker 2: was a girl, I told her that I'm actually not 465 00:19:19,145 --> 00:19:19,595 Speaker 2: very comfort 466 00:19:20,083 --> 00:19:22,754 Speaker 2: with lending out big sums of money. It's not against 467 00:19:22,763 --> 00:19:24,923 Speaker 2: you personally. I'm just personally not very comfortable. But please 468 00:19:24,933 --> 00:19:26,864 Speaker 2: let me know if there's any other thing that I 469 00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,473 Speaker 2: can do to help and I'll see if I can 470 00:19:28,484 --> 00:19:28,904 Speaker 2: help there. 471 00:19:28,913 --> 00:19:29,754 Speaker 1: Are you still? 472 00:19:29,953 --> 00:19:30,213 Speaker 2: Yeah. 473 00:19:30,354 --> 00:19:30,553 Speaker 1: Oh, 474 00:19:31,563 --> 00:19:34,183 Speaker 1: I love that. I had a conversation with a couple 475 00:19:34,193 --> 00:19:36,624 Speaker 1: of friends about this and one of my friends said, 476 00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:39,384 Speaker 1: like when people ask to borrow money, he would just 477 00:19:39,394 --> 00:19:42,573 Speaker 1: straight up say I don't like getting money involved in friendship. 478 00:19:42,583 --> 00:19:45,004 Speaker 1: So I will not do it. And I was like, oh, 479 00:19:45,013 --> 00:19:47,874 Speaker 1: but I think it also depends how big the sum is. Like, 480 00:19:47,884 --> 00:19:48,264 Speaker 1: how 481 00:19:48,472 --> 00:19:49,222 Speaker 1: was the sum that 482 00:19:49,541 --> 00:19:49,870 Speaker 2: 20 483 00:19:51,171 --> 00:19:51,482 Speaker 1: 20 484 00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:52,712 Speaker 2: 2020 485 00:19:54,491 --> 00:19:54,552 Speaker 1: 20 486 00:19:55,391 --> 00:19:58,041 Speaker 1: 20 is a big sum? Did she have a legit reason? Like, 487 00:19:58,052 --> 00:19:59,341 Speaker 1: did she tell you 488 00:19:59,352 --> 00:20:01,561 Speaker 2: she did, I asked about it and then she did 489 00:20:01,571 --> 00:20:04,421 Speaker 2: say like some family stuff. How close of a friend? 490 00:20:04,432 --> 00:20:06,212 Speaker 2: Is she your best friend? No, not a best friend, 491 00:20:06,222 --> 00:20:08,302 Speaker 2: but just a friend. But even if it was your 492 00:20:08,311 --> 00:20:10,552 Speaker 2: best friend, I don't think I would because I'm not 493 00:20:10,561 --> 00:20:12,791 Speaker 2: comfortable and I mean, we are close enough so we 494 00:20:12,802 --> 00:20:14,972 Speaker 2: should be able to be honest and candid about what 495 00:20:14,982 --> 00:20:16,891 Speaker 2: we really feel. Well, here's the thing, right. It's 496 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,469 Speaker 2: very hard for me to say no. Like for example, 497 00:20:19,479 --> 00:20:21,520 Speaker 2: it can be anything, it can be a family gathering, 498 00:20:21,530 --> 00:20:23,089 Speaker 2: it can be a work event, it can be a 499 00:20:23,099 --> 00:20:25,949 Speaker 2: social event, right? And I don't want to go. Not 500 00:20:25,959 --> 00:20:28,069 Speaker 2: because I have something else to do but just because 501 00:20:28,079 --> 00:20:30,420 Speaker 2: I want that time to myself, I don't have anything 502 00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:31,979 Speaker 2: else to do. And that's the part that really gets 503 00:20:31,989 --> 00:20:35,260 Speaker 2: me because in my calendar it's empty. I could fill 504 00:20:35,270 --> 00:20:37,089 Speaker 2: it up but it, the way you need to. But 505 00:20:37,099 --> 00:20:39,339 Speaker 2: how do I turn it down without saying like I 506 00:20:39,349 --> 00:20:40,958 Speaker 2: just want to be by myself like I don't want 507 00:20:40,969 --> 00:20:40,989 Speaker 2: to 508 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,819 Speaker 1: but you say you have other work commitments just lie. Yeah, 509 00:20:43,829 --> 00:20:45,420 Speaker 1: I do that all the time. Sorry. 510 00:20:46,239 --> 00:20:46,699 Speaker 1: V 511 00:20:46,709 --> 00:20:48,569 Speaker 2: what do you think? OK, I think it's actually really 512 00:20:48,579 --> 00:20:52,349 Speaker 2: common this approach honestly to just lie. OK? Say you're 513 00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:54,709 Speaker 2: busy with something else but it's not exactly a lie. 514 00:20:54,719 --> 00:20:57,709 Speaker 2: You are busy with something else which is yourself yourself. 515 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,420 Speaker 2: It's OK. It is something else. It's not nothing. Doing 516 00:21:00,430 --> 00:21:01,750 Speaker 2: nothing is something, you know, 517 00:21:02,390 --> 00:21:04,790 Speaker 1: I agree. And I think sleeping and resting well is 518 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,660 Speaker 1: also part of our profession. I have to put this 519 00:21:06,670 --> 00:21:06,899 Speaker 1: out there 520 00:21:07,010 --> 00:21:09,669 Speaker 1: to all the people who are like, working overtime. I 521 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:12,170 Speaker 1: know I'm a workaholic myself, but 6 to 8 hours 522 00:21:12,180 --> 00:21:16,709 Speaker 1: of sleep minimally every day. I think it's the impresses me. Honestly. 523 00:21:16,719 --> 00:21:19,040 Speaker 1: I don't know how she gets the amount of sleep in. 524 00:21:19,050 --> 00:21:21,119 Speaker 2: That's true with the amount of things that she, she 525 00:21:21,130 --> 00:21:21,949 Speaker 2: seems to be doing. 526 00:21:21,959 --> 00:21:25,410 Speaker 1: Like I didn't until two am she post and she's 527 00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:28,020 Speaker 1: like happy because I got eight hours of sleep. I like, 528 00:21:28,130 --> 00:21:31,510 Speaker 1: yeah, I was like, how well I had to cancel 529 00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:34,359 Speaker 1: my gym appointment this morning. Never happened in the past 530 00:21:34,369 --> 00:21:37,109 Speaker 1: two years because I was drinking till too late last 531 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:39,089 Speaker 1: night and I just didn't think I would show up 532 00:21:39,099 --> 00:21:40,910 Speaker 1: for the podcast in a good state if I had 533 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:43,530 Speaker 1: gone for the gym appointment. So I put it off 534 00:21:43,540 --> 00:21:45,900 Speaker 1: till next week and I decided to sleep in got 535 00:21:45,910 --> 00:21:48,930 Speaker 1: seven hours of rest and here I am all energized. 536 00:21:49,939 --> 00:21:52,020 Speaker 2: I love that some. You lose some. Yeah, 537 00:21:52,030 --> 00:21:52,790 Speaker 1: I guess 538 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,099 Speaker 2: so when you see your patients, do you call them patients, 539 00:21:56,109 --> 00:21:56,688 Speaker 2: clients 540 00:21:58,599 --> 00:22:02,300 Speaker 2: when you see your clients? Right? What would the remedy 541 00:22:02,310 --> 00:22:04,609 Speaker 2: be like? What kind of action plan would you put 542 00:22:04,619 --> 00:22:07,079 Speaker 2: them on to kind of like heal from being a 543 00:22:07,089 --> 00:22:10,660 Speaker 2: people pleaser. Usually it's like I would encourage journaling. I 544 00:22:10,670 --> 00:22:14,160 Speaker 2: typically leave an assignment at the end which involves reflection, 545 00:22:14,510 --> 00:22:18,040 Speaker 2: diving deep to understand yourself. I would also recommend things 546 00:22:18,050 --> 00:22:21,140 Speaker 2: like meditation even though it may not be a habit 547 00:22:21,150 --> 00:22:23,359 Speaker 2: for many people. But there's a lot of benefits that 548 00:22:23,369 --> 00:22:26,040 Speaker 2: can come from meditation and like just go take a walk. 549 00:22:26,050 --> 00:22:27,188 Speaker 2: Has been one of my assignments 550 00:22:27,349 --> 00:22:32,139 Speaker 2: before walking in nature, just being with yourself at peace. 551 00:22:32,150 --> 00:22:34,938 Speaker 2: How does that help with the people pleasing side of things? 552 00:22:34,949 --> 00:22:38,079 Speaker 2: Because people pleaser tend to be quite on the anxious 553 00:22:38,089 --> 00:22:40,919 Speaker 2: side because it makes them stress. I'm not able to 554 00:22:40,930 --> 00:22:42,790 Speaker 2: please someone. What if I do this and then that's 555 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,859 Speaker 2: going to happen? What da da da da. So your 556 00:22:44,869 --> 00:22:47,010 Speaker 2: mind is very hectic. It's like a highway going on. 557 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,180 Speaker 2: So you do need to slow down. So as a 558 00:22:51,189 --> 00:22:53,760 Speaker 2: first step, I would encourage you to do things that 559 00:22:53,770 --> 00:22:55,879 Speaker 2: will help your mind slow down. Sound healing honestly 560 00:22:55,959 --> 00:22:58,979 Speaker 2: is one of the ways as well because you're slowing 561 00:22:58,989 --> 00:23:02,060 Speaker 2: the brain waves down. There's like calmness, a sense of 562 00:23:02,069 --> 00:23:04,170 Speaker 2: calm that washes over you and you can get this 563 00:23:04,180 --> 00:23:06,579 Speaker 2: in nature as well, but sound does it in a 564 00:23:06,589 --> 00:23:09,819 Speaker 2: bit more like a layered manner. But you can for 565 00:23:09,829 --> 00:23:13,050 Speaker 2: more easily attainable things. It will be just journaling or 566 00:23:13,060 --> 00:23:15,900 Speaker 2: going to a nice quiet spot hanging around in nature. 567 00:23:15,910 --> 00:23:19,020 Speaker 1: What are some questions people can ask themselves to, to 568 00:23:19,030 --> 00:23:19,869 Speaker 1: take a step 569 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:20,500 Speaker 1: back and reflect 570 00:23:20,510 --> 00:23:23,030 Speaker 2: one of the things would be, what is my trigger? 571 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:24,540 Speaker 2: Can you have an example of that? 572 00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:28,040 Speaker 2: The trigger be like for example, maybe the moment a 573 00:23:28,050 --> 00:23:31,290 Speaker 2: boss says like you need to do this for me. 574 00:23:31,479 --> 00:23:34,099 Speaker 2: So every time he hears, you need to do this 575 00:23:34,109 --> 00:23:36,339 Speaker 2: for me, then he might get triggered and then he 576 00:23:36,349 --> 00:23:39,780 Speaker 2: will be like, OK, now I need to everything and 577 00:23:39,790 --> 00:23:42,989 Speaker 2: do that. So after that, it would be to ask yourself, 578 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:44,859 Speaker 2: what are you feeling? Why am I feeling that way? 579 00:23:44,869 --> 00:23:48,099 Speaker 2: Is it true or is it just a belief that 580 00:23:48,109 --> 00:23:51,219 Speaker 2: I have? Right. So when you question your own beliefs, 581 00:23:51,229 --> 00:23:53,219 Speaker 2: it will help in that regulation and you 582 00:23:53,319 --> 00:23:55,800 Speaker 2: will know or you might know next time if you 583 00:23:55,810 --> 00:23:58,479 Speaker 2: wanna switch a different route, like, do you really want 584 00:23:58,489 --> 00:24:00,719 Speaker 2: to continue that autopilot thing? Right. Oh Boss tells me 585 00:24:00,729 --> 00:24:02,319 Speaker 2: to do this and then I will go and do 586 00:24:02,329 --> 00:24:04,270 Speaker 2: it right away or do you want to be like, 587 00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:07,159 Speaker 2: that's not what I'm thinking right now. I'm actually feeling 588 00:24:07,170 --> 00:24:10,409 Speaker 2: this is unfair. I'm actually really tired. I think someone 589 00:24:10,420 --> 00:24:12,339 Speaker 2: else can do this today and you would tell your 590 00:24:12,349 --> 00:24:15,930 Speaker 2: boss that no. And then like manage it. But then 591 00:24:15,939 --> 00:24:18,089 Speaker 2: of course, I mean, you might have some colleagues around 592 00:24:18,099 --> 00:24:20,649 Speaker 2: you that are genuinely cool with you and then like, 593 00:24:20,660 --> 00:24:21,900 Speaker 2: maybe can tell them like, ok, 594 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,510 Speaker 2: I'm really having a lot on my plate right now. 595 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:26,369 Speaker 2: Do you think you can help me with this? A 596 00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:29,819 Speaker 2: lot of it is encouraging authenticity. But if you're honest 597 00:24:29,829 --> 00:24:32,599 Speaker 2: with yourself, then you can be more honest with others 598 00:24:32,609 --> 00:24:34,800 Speaker 2: as well. But what if nobody can help you? If 599 00:24:34,810 --> 00:24:37,419 Speaker 2: nobody can help you, you have to talk to your boss, 600 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,069 Speaker 2: you have to have that talk. I know it's scary. 601 00:24:40,079 --> 00:24:42,859 Speaker 2: It's intimidating. But personally, like I've had to do that 602 00:24:42,869 --> 00:24:45,140 Speaker 2: as well. I used to be a police officer actually. 603 00:24:45,979 --> 00:24:50,579 Speaker 2: You many things now. Yeah. So it was 604 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,899 Speaker 2: very necessary for me at a certain point to manage 605 00:24:53,910 --> 00:24:57,849 Speaker 2: his expectations and say sir, I'm struggling. Oh my God. Yeah, 606 00:24:58,089 --> 00:25:00,339 Speaker 2: you have to I know like we need to keep 607 00:25:00,349 --> 00:25:02,400 Speaker 2: up this certain image and I be like we're on 608 00:25:02,410 --> 00:25:03,599 Speaker 2: the ball, we have to do this, we have to 609 00:25:03,609 --> 00:25:06,099 Speaker 2: do it and we do, it's really, really important work. 610 00:25:06,109 --> 00:25:08,979 Speaker 2: But if you are not ok, the work is not 611 00:25:08,989 --> 00:25:11,099 Speaker 2: gonna be ok either. And you need to spare a 612 00:25:11,109 --> 00:25:15,659 Speaker 2: thought for yourself and the people involved. Very fair, very fair. 613 00:25:15,670 --> 00:25:18,430 Speaker 2: And would you say you're a reformed people pleaser? Ok. 614 00:25:18,439 --> 00:25:19,219 Speaker 2: So I want to clear 615 00:25:19,449 --> 00:25:22,819 Speaker 2: by that there is actually no such thing as a 616 00:25:22,829 --> 00:25:27,219 Speaker 2: reformed and ex people pleaser. You're either a recovering people 617 00:25:27,229 --> 00:25:30,079 Speaker 2: pleaser or you were never a people pleaser at all 618 00:25:30,089 --> 00:25:33,619 Speaker 2: because recovering because people pleasing is like an addiction. It's 619 00:25:33,630 --> 00:25:36,180 Speaker 2: like you're addicted to drugs. There's no cure for that. 620 00:25:36,189 --> 00:25:38,530 Speaker 2: There's only ways to manage it and you just get 621 00:25:38,540 --> 00:25:41,500 Speaker 2: better at managing over time. But there's always that risk 622 00:25:41,510 --> 00:25:43,319 Speaker 2: of relapse. No, 623 00:25:43,329 --> 00:25:44,979 Speaker 1: I feel like I should count the number of times 624 00:25:44,989 --> 00:25:47,069 Speaker 1: to say sorry every day from now on. I have 625 00:25:47,079 --> 00:25:47,698 Speaker 1: a question. 626 00:25:48,569 --> 00:25:51,319 Speaker 1: A lot of people pleasing comes from trying to take 627 00:25:51,329 --> 00:25:55,160 Speaker 1: care of somebody else's feelings. How do you still do 628 00:25:55,170 --> 00:25:58,739 Speaker 1: that without sacrificing yourself because you don't want someone else 629 00:25:58,750 --> 00:26:00,189 Speaker 1: to feel bad as well. You know what I mean? 630 00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:00,530 Speaker 2: But 631 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,969 Speaker 2: sometimes you just have to feel bad. You need to 632 00:26:02,979 --> 00:26:05,680 Speaker 2: know your own boundaries and your own limits. Actually, when 633 00:26:05,689 --> 00:26:08,680 Speaker 2: you're truthful with what you're really ok with and what 634 00:26:08,689 --> 00:26:10,729 Speaker 2: you're not, you'll be able to find some sort of 635 00:26:10,739 --> 00:26:12,639 Speaker 2: a sweet spot. But there is give and take and 636 00:26:12,650 --> 00:26:14,319 Speaker 2: that's why reflection is so important and 637 00:26:14,444 --> 00:26:18,125 Speaker 2: quieting your mind and really thinking like sometimes you're moving 638 00:26:18,135 --> 00:26:20,425 Speaker 2: so fast throughout the day, you're just doing things without 639 00:26:20,435 --> 00:26:23,425 Speaker 2: realizing you're not ok with that. I hear you. So 640 00:26:23,435 --> 00:26:27,804 Speaker 2: as a recovering people, pleaser, how has setting boundaries? Like, 641 00:26:27,814 --> 00:26:31,165 Speaker 2: how have you benefited from really working on that part 642 00:26:31,175 --> 00:26:34,645 Speaker 2: of your life? I'm less drained actually, because I used 643 00:26:34,655 --> 00:26:36,395 Speaker 2: to feel really drained at the end of the day. 644 00:26:36,405 --> 00:26:39,464 Speaker 2: And sometimes I even build resentment towards the people that 645 00:26:39,474 --> 00:26:40,224 Speaker 2: I've helped in 646 00:26:40,319 --> 00:26:41,399 Speaker 2: certain way. Oh, my 647 00:26:41,410 --> 00:26:44,819 Speaker 1: gosh, all the time. Hey, ok. So let's drain. 648 00:26:45,420 --> 00:26:48,160 Speaker 2: So that's actually the key thing. Let's drain. And I 649 00:26:48,170 --> 00:26:51,770 Speaker 2: think my relationships are more authentic right now, like with 650 00:26:51,780 --> 00:26:54,319 Speaker 2: my friends and family and my partner. So we're just 651 00:26:54,329 --> 00:26:56,959 Speaker 2: more honest with each other. When I'm more honest, they 652 00:26:56,969 --> 00:26:59,400 Speaker 2: feel more comfortable being honest as well about the things 653 00:26:59,410 --> 00:27:01,698 Speaker 2: that they might not actually be ok with, then everything 654 00:27:01,709 --> 00:27:02,660 Speaker 2: feels more real. 655 00:27:02,670 --> 00:27:03,359 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's 656 00:27:03,369 --> 00:27:05,060 Speaker 1: a good point. One thing I realized is that when 657 00:27:05,069 --> 00:27:06,099 Speaker 1: you have so much on your plate 658 00:27:06,194 --> 00:27:08,354 Speaker 1: and you take something else on, even if this something 659 00:27:08,364 --> 00:27:10,655 Speaker 1: else is something that you're truly passionate about, you end 660 00:27:10,665 --> 00:27:13,545 Speaker 1: up hating it because you can't perform to the best 661 00:27:13,555 --> 00:27:16,194 Speaker 1: of ability. You are not able to enjoy it and 662 00:27:16,204 --> 00:27:17,805 Speaker 2: then you blame yourself. And then it's like, 663 00:27:17,814 --> 00:27:17,824 Speaker 1: oh 664 00:27:17,834 --> 00:27:18,125 Speaker 2: my 665 00:27:18,135 --> 00:27:20,295 Speaker 1: God. And then the thing doesn't turn out well and 666 00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:22,853 Speaker 1: everything is just a mess. I have a very good friend. 667 00:27:22,864 --> 00:27:26,354 Speaker 1: She says sorry, like every single time I see her, 668 00:27:26,364 --> 00:27:28,635 Speaker 1: even if it like I asked her the friend, no, 669 00:27:28,645 --> 00:27:31,974 Speaker 1: she's worse than me. I'm telling you. That's bad. Ok? 670 00:27:32,239 --> 00:27:34,670 Speaker 1: Every time I ask her, ok? Are you free next 671 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:37,260 Speaker 1: Wednesday for dinner? Oh, no, so sorry, I cannot make 672 00:27:37,270 --> 00:27:39,670 Speaker 1: it because I have to go for this that I, oh, 673 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,879 Speaker 1: it's OK. How about Friday? Oh no, so sorry, I 674 00:27:41,890 --> 00:27:44,188 Speaker 1: can't do this. You also say sorry, what's wrong with that? 675 00:27:44,219 --> 00:27:46,859 Speaker 1: To me? I feel like you don't have to say sorry, 676 00:27:46,949 --> 00:27:49,939 Speaker 1: just tell me you can't make it. And then we reschedule, right? 677 00:27:49,949 --> 00:27:52,579 Speaker 1: Because I feel like saying sorry puts her in a, 678 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,699 Speaker 1: a more inferior position that I don't want to see 679 00:27:55,709 --> 00:27:57,920 Speaker 1: her in because she's a very good friend of mine. Right. 680 00:27:57,930 --> 00:28:00,599 Speaker 1: And she feels inferior. Why? Feel inferior? It's just a meeting, 681 00:28:00,609 --> 00:28:03,179 Speaker 1: it's just a meet up for dinner. Right. Just reschedule. 682 00:28:03,189 --> 00:28:04,939 Speaker 1: And at the same time I'm doing like this self 683 00:28:04,949 --> 00:28:08,109 Speaker 1: reflection of myself. Hey, am I doing that? Actually? To 684 00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:08,920 Speaker 1: a certain extent. 685 00:28:08,930 --> 00:28:11,410 Speaker 2: Yes. Sometimes I reschedule so many times until I feel 686 00:28:11,420 --> 00:28:14,409 Speaker 2: very bad. I've been trying to meet this friend, like 687 00:28:14,420 --> 00:28:17,379 Speaker 2: since before she went on maternity leave, she just gave 688 00:28:17,390 --> 00:28:17,430 Speaker 2: up 689 00:28:17,532 --> 00:28:20,071 Speaker 2: today. I haven't met her and she was like, you 690 00:28:20,083 --> 00:28:21,692 Speaker 2: want to come to the hospital? I was like, shit, 691 00:28:21,703 --> 00:28:24,312 Speaker 2: I really cannot. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. 692 00:28:24,442 --> 00:28:25,182 Speaker 1: I feel 693 00:28:25,192 --> 00:28:25,412 Speaker 2: so 694 00:28:25,422 --> 00:28:29,152 Speaker 1: bad. Ok? Never mind 100 days party, go to her house. 695 00:28:29,162 --> 00:28:29,642 Speaker 1: Maybe 696 00:28:29,652 --> 00:28:31,103 Speaker 2: I'll see her when the kid is like five years 697 00:28:31,113 --> 00:28:33,901 Speaker 2: old at this point at some point though, at some point, 698 00:28:33,912 --> 00:28:37,912 Speaker 2: at some point. But I, I really, really value today's conversation. 699 00:28:37,922 --> 00:28:41,562 Speaker 2: It made me realize we say sorry a lot. Yes. 700 00:28:41,572 --> 00:28:42,072 Speaker 2: But that's not 701 00:28:42,186 --> 00:28:44,475 Speaker 2: the only thing that you know affects you when you 702 00:28:44,485 --> 00:28:48,206 Speaker 2: have people pleasing tendencies. I think we're all recovering people pleases. 703 00:28:48,286 --> 00:28:50,485 Speaker 1: Yeah. For sure. Any last words you want to say 704 00:28:50,495 --> 00:28:53,105 Speaker 1: to our listeners and viewers out there who are 705 00:28:53,115 --> 00:28:54,156 Speaker 1: people pleases? 706 00:28:54,166 --> 00:28:57,686 Speaker 2: You are enough in your being, not in your doing 707 00:28:57,696 --> 00:29:00,536 Speaker 2: but called human beings for a reason. You are enough 708 00:29:00,546 --> 00:29:02,036 Speaker 2: just by being you. 709 00:29:02,255 --> 00:29:03,315 Speaker 1: Oh, thank 710 00:29:03,326 --> 00:29:05,546 Speaker 1: you. I'm gonna tell everyone that from now on every 711 00:29:05,556 --> 00:29:06,715 Speaker 1: time I do want to do something, 712 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:11,130 Speaker 1: we have no problem with that out of all of us. 713 00:29:11,140 --> 00:29:14,000 Speaker 1: You have no problem with saying I just want to 714 00:29:14,010 --> 00:29:14,839 Speaker 1: be and 715 00:29:17,050 --> 00:29:19,390 Speaker 1: well, I learned so much from this episode. Thank you 716 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:22,079 Speaker 1: so much for being with us today. If you enjoyed 717 00:29:22,089 --> 00:29:24,469 Speaker 1: today's episode, don't forget to follow us on Instagram at 718 00:29:24,479 --> 00:29:26,599 Speaker 1: its clarity.co. That's right. You can listen to us on 719 00:29:26,609 --> 00:29:29,000 Speaker 1: Spotify Apple Podcast. Me. Listen, turn on your 720 00:29:29,010 --> 00:29:31,810 Speaker 2: notification. Don't feel sorry if you don't watch us on youtube. 721 00:29:31,819 --> 00:29:35,180 Speaker 2: It's ok. We spent a long time setting up the set. 722 00:29:35,219 --> 00:29:36,619 Speaker 2: I don't want to put in a lot of effort 723 00:29:36,630 --> 00:29:41,890 Speaker 2: into it, but don't we see you guys? 724 00:29:42,969 --> 00:29:43,119 Speaker 2: Hi.