1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,040 Speaker 1: hazel, it's zero. And I'm jemaine and welcome back to 2 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:06,460 Speaker 1: another exciting episode of clarity's Marca. 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:10,090 Speaker 1: Today we're all blinged out and no, we're not going clubbing, 4 00:00:10,100 --> 00:00:14,290 Speaker 1: it's because we've got a special guest here kelly. So 5 00:00:14,290 --> 00:00:16,489 Speaker 1: you might know her from Bling Empire. Thank you for 6 00:00:16,489 --> 00:00:18,000 Speaker 1: coming all the way to Singapore. Of 7 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:21,060 Speaker 2: course you girls look so beautiful and sparkly. I feel 8 00:00:21,060 --> 00:00:23,960 Speaker 2: a little underdressed know your face is all you need. 9 00:00:24,239 --> 00:00:27,590 Speaker 1: So kelly is joining us here all the way from 10 00:00:27,590 --> 00:00:31,080 Speaker 1: Los Angeles, you are an entrepreneur, film producer, you're the 11 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:34,150 Speaker 1: star of Netflix's Bling Empire. So what are you doing 12 00:00:34,150 --> 00:00:35,250 Speaker 1: in Singapore to 13 00:00:35,250 --> 00:00:38,110 Speaker 2: hang out with you girls and to eat all the 14 00:00:38,110 --> 00:00:39,320 Speaker 2: hawker center. I can find 15 00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:42,390 Speaker 1: what's your ultimate like Singapore dish you've had so far. 16 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:44,860 Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, chili crab is always my favorite because 17 00:00:44,860 --> 00:00:46,920 Speaker 2: you can't get that in L. A. Like at all. 18 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:48,530 Speaker 2: There's no place in L. A. So the one of 19 00:00:48,530 --> 00:00:50,300 Speaker 2: the things I really misses chili crab 20 00:00:50,310 --> 00:00:52,930 Speaker 1: chili crab is not your first time in Singapore, is it? 21 00:00:52,940 --> 00:00:55,410 Speaker 2: No, I actually used to have a place here for 22 00:00:55,410 --> 00:00:58,820 Speaker 2: two years and yeah, last most years before the pandemic. 23 00:00:58,820 --> 00:01:00,030 Speaker 2: So it's been a very long time, 24 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,700 Speaker 1: wow! So you must have had a lot of local 25 00:01:02,710 --> 00:01:04,280 Speaker 1: delicacies and dishes. I don't 26 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:08,819 Speaker 2: know. I mean it's not enough to take me never Well, 27 00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:12,210 Speaker 2: thank you. I feel like the food here, there's so diverse. 28 00:01:12,209 --> 00:01:14,640 Speaker 2: There's always more things to discover. So every single trip 29 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:15,890 Speaker 2: I come here, I discover something new. 30 00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:18,360 Speaker 1: It's true, but something that we really love about kelly 31 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:21,520 Speaker 1: is that you're a mental health advocate and that's what 32 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:22,780 Speaker 1: we always talk about here in hushed 33 00:01:22,780 --> 00:01:24,010 Speaker 2: podcast. Yes. 34 00:01:24,010 --> 00:01:27,570 Speaker 1: And today, what we're focusing on is getting out of 35 00:01:27,569 --> 00:01:30,350 Speaker 1: a toxic relationship. How can you identify that and push 36 00:01:30,350 --> 00:01:32,060 Speaker 1: yourself forward into the future? I 37 00:01:32,060 --> 00:01:33,920 Speaker 2: think, you know, getting on a relationship. One of the 38 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:36,640 Speaker 2: things I think is that honored our relationship because for me, 39 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,850 Speaker 2: I was very, very grateful for the experience. I wouldn't 40 00:01:38,850 --> 00:01:40,460 Speaker 2: be who I am today without it, 41 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:43,970 Speaker 2: I wouldn't discover therapy without it. So I think, you know, 42 00:01:43,980 --> 00:01:46,490 Speaker 2: moving out of relationship is just really looking forward and 43 00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:47,600 Speaker 1: and then spending time 44 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,960 Speaker 2: getting to know yourself and better yourself. That's so important. 45 00:01:50,970 --> 00:01:53,669 Speaker 1: I think toxic relationships sometimes you get out of it. 46 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,610 Speaker 1: You have a lot of hate in your heart for 47 00:01:55,610 --> 00:01:57,559 Speaker 1: you to be able to say that that's very magnanimous. 48 00:01:57,570 --> 00:01:58,960 Speaker 1: That's what I think. 49 00:01:59,140 --> 00:02:02,640 Speaker 1: So after watching Bling Empire and after witnessing your relationship 50 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:03,460 Speaker 1: with Andrew, 51 00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:06,780 Speaker 1: would you call that a toxic relationship? I 52 00:02:06,780 --> 00:02:09,020 Speaker 2: think back then I was like, no, I don't like 53 00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:10,470 Speaker 2: the word toxic or 54 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:11,090 Speaker 1: even 55 00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:15,280 Speaker 2: emotionally abusive or verbally abusive anus if I normally don't 56 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,070 Speaker 2: like to, but I think, you know, we have to 57 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:19,869 Speaker 2: admit that it was toxic and I don't mean that 58 00:02:19,870 --> 00:02:21,690 Speaker 2: like in the sense that it's not just his fault 59 00:02:21,690 --> 00:02:23,780 Speaker 2: or my fault in a sense, but you know, with 60 00:02:23,780 --> 00:02:25,360 Speaker 2: every relationship it takes two. 61 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,100 Speaker 2: And I think one of the things we have to 62 00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:30,510 Speaker 2: realize that we do have a choice and um you know, 63 00:02:30,510 --> 00:02:34,370 Speaker 2: a lot of you feels really hard and um actually 64 00:02:34,370 --> 00:02:37,359 Speaker 2: if you guys, it normally takes about nine times to 65 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,170 Speaker 2: get out of a relationship like this because it's it 66 00:02:39,169 --> 00:02:41,460 Speaker 2: takes many many times because it's a cycle 67 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,530 Speaker 1: nine times. Like it takes nine toxic relationships 68 00:02:45,020 --> 00:02:48,800 Speaker 2: nine times to get out of a relationship. You know, 69 00:02:48,810 --> 00:02:49,169 Speaker 2: back and 70 00:02:49,180 --> 00:02:50,280 Speaker 1: forth and back and back 71 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:50,990 Speaker 2: and forth, back forth. 72 00:02:51,340 --> 00:02:54,359 Speaker 2: You know, you have to realize it is okay, but 73 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:55,290 Speaker 2: you do have a choice. 74 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,470 Speaker 1: So how many times did you and Andrew? I 75 00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,720 Speaker 2: don't even know 76 00:02:59,730 --> 00:03:02,300 Speaker 1: what what matters is she's 77 00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:03,970 Speaker 2: out, right? I already told 78 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,950 Speaker 1: so today it's all about how can we heal from 79 00:03:07,950 --> 00:03:10,410 Speaker 1: that toxic relationship? How can we move on and find 80 00:03:10,410 --> 00:03:11,160 Speaker 1: a partner that 81 00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:14,240 Speaker 1: is deserving of you because sometimes I think to people 82 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,700 Speaker 1: like you said, it takes too right. Maybe your personalities 83 00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:19,410 Speaker 1: just clash in a really bad way, but maybe you 84 00:03:19,419 --> 00:03:22,230 Speaker 1: could be perfect with someone else. That's right, correct. What 85 00:03:22,230 --> 00:03:24,520 Speaker 1: went through your mind when you decided to hold on 86 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:25,459 Speaker 1: to that relationship. 87 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,720 Speaker 2: Um you know, I think, well, here's the thing, I 88 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,470 Speaker 2: think one of the things is that that's very important 89 00:03:30,470 --> 00:03:32,740 Speaker 2: is that you can't change the other person. You know, 90 00:03:32,740 --> 00:03:34,230 Speaker 2: as much as I think a lot of times people 91 00:03:34,230 --> 00:03:36,980 Speaker 2: want to change your partner, you really can't change your partner. 92 00:03:36,990 --> 00:03:39,630 Speaker 2: The only thing you can control is yourself and I 93 00:03:39,630 --> 00:03:43,020 Speaker 2: think for me is that I um you know I 94 00:03:43,020 --> 00:03:44,550 Speaker 2: I learned a lot about myself from it. 95 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,890 Speaker 2: And also I do want to remind you know, remind 96 00:03:46,890 --> 00:03:48,090 Speaker 2: everybody is that 97 00:03:48,540 --> 00:03:52,040 Speaker 2: we filmed so much for a season one but we 98 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:56,660 Speaker 2: only have 5.5 hours to show everything right. And you 99 00:03:56,660 --> 00:03:59,620 Speaker 2: know when you guys see the therapy session is three 100 00:03:59,620 --> 00:04:01,940 Speaker 2: hours long. But what you saw is probably a minute 101 00:04:01,940 --> 00:04:04,320 Speaker 2: and minute half. And obviously Andrew and I should have 102 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,560 Speaker 2: shared a lot of very beautiful moments as well. Like 103 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:09,060 Speaker 2: it's not just the toxic part of it. 104 00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:11,420 Speaker 2: Um So that what you saw was only a glimpse 105 00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:11,550 Speaker 2: of 106 00:04:11,550 --> 00:04:14,110 Speaker 1: it nice. And I think sometimes when we you know 107 00:04:14,110 --> 00:04:17,060 Speaker 1: use the word toxic people tend to think that you 108 00:04:17,060 --> 00:04:19,650 Speaker 1: know when you say it's a toxic relationship, people tend 109 00:04:19,650 --> 00:04:21,700 Speaker 1: to think that it's a toxic person. But I think 110 00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:25,369 Speaker 1: sometimes you could be perfectly fine as a person. But 111 00:04:25,370 --> 00:04:28,510 Speaker 1: it's just that you know this two combination, these two 112 00:04:28,510 --> 00:04:31,310 Speaker 1: people coming together, it just doesn't work. It's just like 113 00:04:31,310 --> 00:04:32,450 Speaker 1: fuel and 114 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,710 Speaker 1: fuel water and fire and 115 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:36,739 Speaker 2: it's 116 00:04:36,740 --> 00:04:38,430 Speaker 1: just you're just building off the other parts. 117 00:04:38,430 --> 00:04:39,599 Speaker 2: And I think that happens 118 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:40,530 Speaker 1: sometimes. Yeah, 119 00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:44,200 Speaker 2: absolutely. And you know I have nothing you know against 120 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,250 Speaker 2: Andrea we had a very um I guess like peaceful 121 00:04:47,260 --> 00:04:50,430 Speaker 2: goodbye and um you know and that's okay. I think 122 00:04:50,430 --> 00:04:52,290 Speaker 2: it's just a mature way to look at it. Sometimes 123 00:04:52,290 --> 00:04:53,860 Speaker 2: you can't really force things like you said, 124 00:04:53,940 --> 00:04:55,049 Speaker 1: two people can be great 125 00:04:55,050 --> 00:04:57,010 Speaker 2: people, but they're just not really good together, 126 00:04:57,210 --> 00:04:58,010 Speaker 1: you have to 127 00:04:58,010 --> 00:04:58,560 Speaker 2: accept that. 128 00:04:58,940 --> 00:04:59,130 Speaker 2: So 129 00:04:59,130 --> 00:05:01,250 Speaker 1: let's bring it to the present, right? Let's talk about 130 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,290 Speaker 1: where we are at life right now. Let's start with 131 00:05:03,290 --> 00:05:04,010 Speaker 1: you kelly. 132 00:05:04,020 --> 00:05:08,770 Speaker 2: I mean, I think I'm glowing, but you know, one 133 00:05:08,770 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 2: of the things that I think that with the breakup, 134 00:05:11,330 --> 00:05:13,560 Speaker 2: um you know, sometimes it does get really hard but 135 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,869 Speaker 2: do realize take it day by day, hour by hour 136 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:18,920 Speaker 2: and I promise you, I promise you you will get 137 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,940 Speaker 2: out of it feeling good again. Um Finding yourself again, 138 00:05:21,940 --> 00:05:24,560 Speaker 2: it was so important was the self discovery journey for 139 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:28,630 Speaker 2: me was so rewarding and because of a bling empire 140 00:05:28,630 --> 00:05:32,400 Speaker 2: and because the relationship I discovered therapy and discover mental 141 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,830 Speaker 2: health and I realized there's so much knowledge out their podcast, 142 00:05:35,830 --> 00:05:40,700 Speaker 2: like you guys podcasts, books, youtube, um therapist, there's just 143 00:05:40,700 --> 00:05:43,670 Speaker 2: so much knowledge out there and then things start connecting 144 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,520 Speaker 2: and I realized, I'm like, I've spent 30 something years from, 145 00:05:46,529 --> 00:05:50,000 Speaker 2: you know, with myself, but I actually really didn't know myself, 146 00:05:50,010 --> 00:05:52,589 Speaker 2: you know, and things are unfolding when things are connecting 147 00:05:52,589 --> 00:05:53,060 Speaker 2: to me, 148 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,190 Speaker 2: I'm like, okay now this makes sense and spending the 149 00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:59,270 Speaker 2: time to get to know yourself is so important. That's right, 150 00:05:59,279 --> 00:06:02,210 Speaker 1: that's absolutely true. But you know, in your current relationship, 151 00:06:02,220 --> 00:06:05,279 Speaker 1: do you feel like you have better patterns of communication, 152 00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 1: do you feel like you have like risen on top 153 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:08,349 Speaker 1: of that? 154 00:06:08,740 --> 00:06:12,320 Speaker 2: I think you know the first thing is awareness because 155 00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,850 Speaker 2: you know, we are wired a certain way from our 156 00:06:14,850 --> 00:06:17,930 Speaker 2: childhood especially and our experience that we we had in our, 157 00:06:17,940 --> 00:06:19,450 Speaker 2: in our childhood and 158 00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:23,220 Speaker 2: it's about to be aware of like what is not 159 00:06:23,220 --> 00:06:26,070 Speaker 2: healthy the way you react to things and and also 160 00:06:26,070 --> 00:06:29,960 Speaker 2: realizing reflects as well and then be able to rewire 161 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,340 Speaker 2: your brain, but okay, I normally react to the situation 162 00:06:32,339 --> 00:06:35,640 Speaker 2: this way, but it's because right, and that's not the 163 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,740 Speaker 2: right way to react to it when you keep repeating 164 00:06:37,740 --> 00:06:41,260 Speaker 2: to act a correct way, then eventually it becomes a habit. 165 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:41,670 Speaker 2: So 166 00:06:41,670 --> 00:06:43,880 Speaker 1: when you come out of toxic relationships, one thing that's 167 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,919 Speaker 1: important is acknowledging it was you know, not the best 168 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,960 Speaker 1: for you, not the most healthy, but also identifying those 169 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,350 Speaker 1: red flags like you said girls, what are some red 170 00:06:52,350 --> 00:06:54,830 Speaker 1: flags for you guys? Well, I feel like you know 171 00:06:54,830 --> 00:06:57,900 Speaker 1: in one episode of Bling Empire Kevin was speaking to 172 00:06:57,900 --> 00:06:58,960 Speaker 1: one of his friends, Peter 173 00:06:59,140 --> 00:07:01,979 Speaker 1: and Peter said something that really struck me like struck 174 00:07:01,980 --> 00:07:04,450 Speaker 1: a chord in me, he said that love grows in 175 00:07:04,450 --> 00:07:08,919 Speaker 1: a stable environment, otherwise it's just passion and emotion and 176 00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:11,810 Speaker 1: they fade and I think that it's very, very important 177 00:07:11,810 --> 00:07:14,110 Speaker 1: for me. The biggest red flag is to realize that 178 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:16,350 Speaker 1: if the environment that you and the other half are 179 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,450 Speaker 1: in is not stable, it can crumble anytime. 180 00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:20,670 Speaker 1: That to me is very, very 181 00:07:20,670 --> 00:07:22,070 Speaker 2: dangerous. That 182 00:07:22,070 --> 00:07:24,610 Speaker 1: reminds me because I think I saw saying recently and 183 00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:26,880 Speaker 1: it says like if a plant doesn't grow, do you 184 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:30,660 Speaker 1: blame the plan or the environment? You know like something 185 00:07:30,660 --> 00:07:32,670 Speaker 1: is not nourishing the plants and that's why it's not 186 00:07:32,670 --> 00:07:34,060 Speaker 1: growing right? 187 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,290 Speaker 2: I think the funny thing is I didn't know what 188 00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:39,390 Speaker 2: the word gaslighting. I didn't know what I had 189 00:07:39,390 --> 00:07:40,490 Speaker 1: to google that actually 190 00:07:41,630 --> 00:07:43,860 Speaker 2: Because after season one comes out I'm getting 191 00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:46,740 Speaker 2: people are tweeting and then putting on my instagram gas 192 00:07:46,740 --> 00:07:49,320 Speaker 2: and what does that mean? Like gaslighting something. I'm thinking 193 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,170 Speaker 2: about barbecue. 194 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:52,110 Speaker 1: What went through my 195 00:07:52,110 --> 00:07:53,750 Speaker 2: mind. I don't know if I have to look at 196 00:07:53,750 --> 00:07:55,580 Speaker 2: it but I think finding a partner that can take 197 00:07:55,590 --> 00:07:59,380 Speaker 2: responsibility is very important. So I think that's a really 198 00:07:59,390 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 2: good thing. 199 00:08:00,140 --> 00:08:03,660 Speaker 1: I think gaslighting is like invalidating someone's experiences and emotions 200 00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:05,860 Speaker 1: and that's something that I grew up with. You know 201 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:06,950 Speaker 1: my parents would guess 202 00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:09,230 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry mom and dad but you all guessed 203 00:08:09,230 --> 00:08:12,120 Speaker 1: lightened me but you know you would say like oh 204 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:14,160 Speaker 1: I'm so upset today and your your parents would say 205 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,660 Speaker 1: no you're not you're not you're just you know you're 206 00:08:15,660 --> 00:08:18,210 Speaker 1: just going through something and that's something that I found 207 00:08:18,220 --> 00:08:20,610 Speaker 1: in a toxic relationship that I was in that I 208 00:08:20,610 --> 00:08:25,080 Speaker 1: was being invalidated. Yeah. So coming into a new relationship, 209 00:08:25,090 --> 00:08:28,890 Speaker 1: I think communication is number one for me especially of 210 00:08:28,890 --> 00:08:31,690 Speaker 1: us growing up in an asian environment and culture our 211 00:08:31,690 --> 00:08:33,720 Speaker 1: parents often do this to us to try to make 212 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,480 Speaker 1: us feel better by telling us that we don't feel bad. Yes, 213 00:08:36,490 --> 00:08:39,800 Speaker 1: they don't understand. So maybe consciously or not, we may 214 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:43,459 Speaker 1: look for certain traits in a relationship without realizing it. Absolutely. 215 00:08:43,470 --> 00:08:45,760 Speaker 1: I think the first step is to identify what you 216 00:08:45,770 --> 00:08:47,990 Speaker 1: don't want in a relationship or what you don't like 217 00:08:47,990 --> 00:08:50,160 Speaker 1: about your parents, communication parents with you 218 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,000 Speaker 1: and not repeat that. But you know I feel like 219 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 1: sometimes people identify that and they know that but 220 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:59,660 Speaker 1: they still consciously they just sort of gravitate towards that 221 00:08:59,660 --> 00:09:00,400 Speaker 1: sort of thing of 222 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,689 Speaker 2: course and that's that's that's comfort for them right? For 223 00:09:03,690 --> 00:09:05,870 Speaker 2: me like I don't know if you guys heard of 224 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:09,079 Speaker 2: attachment style. So you know for me I had an 225 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:10,960 Speaker 2: anxious attachment style. It's because 226 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 2: my mom, you know the asian asian mom, Tiger mom, 227 00:09:14,170 --> 00:09:16,720 Speaker 2: nothing's ever good enough, right? And then my dad living 228 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:17,449 Speaker 2: at a young age. 229 00:09:17,540 --> 00:09:20,380 Speaker 2: So I I when people kind of like not give 230 00:09:20,380 --> 00:09:22,380 Speaker 2: me the validation or give me the right moment, keep 231 00:09:22,380 --> 00:09:25,090 Speaker 2: Chase Chase Chase, you know. So I think it's again 232 00:09:25,090 --> 00:09:27,350 Speaker 2: yeah it's it's your parents how you grew up and 233 00:09:27,350 --> 00:09:29,619 Speaker 2: then but awareness is the first step and then you 234 00:09:29,620 --> 00:09:30,400 Speaker 2: can start changing. 235 00:09:30,410 --> 00:09:34,020 Speaker 1: Absolutely. And I think you know identifying what's good in 236 00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:36,650 Speaker 1: a relationship can help you as well because you see 237 00:09:36,740 --> 00:09:38,560 Speaker 1: you see some relationships where they're like 238 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,440 Speaker 1: happily ever after. I think that comes from a place 239 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:44,750 Speaker 1: of very strong like trust where anything that they have 240 00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,459 Speaker 1: to communicate properly, they don't like shout at each other, 241 00:09:47,470 --> 00:09:50,230 Speaker 1: They're not aggressive because I used to be like this right? 242 00:09:50,230 --> 00:09:52,600 Speaker 1: Where I didn't know how to communicate my emotions, no 243 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,410 Speaker 1: one ever taught me. So I thought it was by 244 00:09:54,410 --> 00:09:56,850 Speaker 1: shouting because my parents used to shout at me, but 245 00:09:56,940 --> 00:09:58,760 Speaker 1: then I learned that's not very productive. 246 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think we we we never really learned how 247 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,619 Speaker 2: to communicate our emotions at least for me, I didn't 248 00:10:03,630 --> 00:10:05,110 Speaker 2: you know when I feel a certain way, I don't 249 00:10:05,110 --> 00:10:08,079 Speaker 2: know how to, I didn't have the vocabulary as well too. 250 00:10:08,090 --> 00:10:10,110 Speaker 2: Like I feel this way because of this, this is 251 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,179 Speaker 2: is I was gonna I'm just angry and I don't 252 00:10:12,179 --> 00:10:14,730 Speaker 2: know I'm just angry you know? Or so I think 253 00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:16,929 Speaker 2: learning how to communicate emotions at a very young age 254 00:10:16,929 --> 00:10:17,620 Speaker 2: is very important. 255 00:10:17,630 --> 00:10:20,230 Speaker 1: So here comes the next question. To what extent should 256 00:10:20,230 --> 00:10:23,130 Speaker 1: we fix our relationships before we realize that we are 257 00:10:23,130 --> 00:10:24,850 Speaker 1: not compatible for each other? 258 00:10:24,940 --> 00:10:28,510 Speaker 1: Does it really take nine times like kelly say back 259 00:10:28,510 --> 00:10:30,229 Speaker 1: and forth, back and forth. I don't know if you 260 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:31,420 Speaker 1: can do it nine times man, 261 00:10:31,429 --> 00:10:33,940 Speaker 2: I think actions speak louder than words. I think when 262 00:10:33,940 --> 00:10:36,440 Speaker 2: both people are willing to work on it and also 263 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,000 Speaker 2: sometimes you know you have to realize that they have 264 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,820 Speaker 2: to do their own individual work. It's not a yes, 265 00:10:41,820 --> 00:10:43,250 Speaker 2: you can do a couple of work, but a lot 266 00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:45,559 Speaker 2: of time. It's your individual work. So is that person 267 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:48,550 Speaker 2: willing to work on himself and herself? 268 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:51,660 Speaker 2: Um, I think it's, it's really putting in the effort. 269 00:10:51,670 --> 00:10:53,370 Speaker 2: So actually always speak louder than words 270 00:10:53,380 --> 00:10:54,510 Speaker 1: and personally 271 00:10:54,510 --> 00:10:55,140 Speaker 2: for you, you know 272 00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:59,270 Speaker 1: what finally sort of clicked for you that made you 273 00:10:59,270 --> 00:11:01,100 Speaker 1: feel like, you know what we've gone back and forth 274 00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:03,040 Speaker 1: and back and forth and this is not working out 275 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,120 Speaker 1: and this is not good for me. What was that 276 00:11:05,130 --> 00:11:07,329 Speaker 1: point that made you just realize that you had to 277 00:11:07,340 --> 00:11:08,460 Speaker 1: do something for yourself? 278 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,410 Speaker 2: It's funny. I don't even remember. I think it's just, 279 00:11:11,410 --> 00:11:13,319 Speaker 2: you know, it could be a tiny little thing. You're like, 280 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,660 Speaker 2: you know what, this is just, it's just not working out. 281 00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:17,650 Speaker 2: And also I think for me, I've always loved with 282 00:11:17,650 --> 00:11:21,270 Speaker 2: my emotions. So I think like, like, I don't, again, 283 00:11:21,270 --> 00:11:22,569 Speaker 2: I don't know if this is healthy or not, but 284 00:11:22,580 --> 00:11:24,670 Speaker 2: back then it was very much like, hey, you can 285 00:11:24,670 --> 00:11:26,270 Speaker 2: hurt me as many times you want, but there's gonna 286 00:11:26,270 --> 00:11:28,550 Speaker 2: be one time I wake up and my heart's not 287 00:11:28,559 --> 00:11:30,240 Speaker 2: in anymore. I always follow my heart if I have 288 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,250 Speaker 2: to picture in my head or heart, which I don't 289 00:11:32,250 --> 00:11:35,199 Speaker 2: know if it's smart, but so don't listen to my advice. 290 00:11:35,210 --> 00:11:38,449 Speaker 1: I think identifying like 291 00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:41,210 Speaker 1: some of your childhood traumas, like you said, you're anxious 292 00:11:41,220 --> 00:11:44,230 Speaker 1: attachment style, they can kind of speak to why you 293 00:11:44,230 --> 00:11:46,770 Speaker 1: would want to, um, you know, attach yourself to something 294 00:11:46,770 --> 00:11:48,910 Speaker 1: that may not be that healthy for you. For example, 295 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:51,320 Speaker 1: you may remember the good times more than the bad. 296 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,970 Speaker 1: I have a lot of friends who are in toxic relationships, 297 00:11:53,970 --> 00:11:54,650 Speaker 1: but they say, 298 00:11:54,740 --> 00:11:57,000 Speaker 1: but he loves me so much. But he did this 299 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,910 Speaker 1: and this and this for me. But what about the 300 00:11:58,910 --> 00:12:00,980 Speaker 1: bad things? I think that's something you have to be 301 00:12:00,980 --> 00:12:03,280 Speaker 1: able to identify. And for a lot of people, they 302 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,630 Speaker 1: just feel like it's easier to stay in the relationship. 303 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,520 Speaker 1: So I have this friend who has been together with 304 00:12:07,530 --> 00:12:11,580 Speaker 1: her boyfriend for seven years and everyone could tell that 305 00:12:11,590 --> 00:12:14,800 Speaker 1: this guy is not good for her since like year three, 306 00:12:14,809 --> 00:12:16,540 Speaker 1: we've been telling the girl to move on to step 307 00:12:16,540 --> 00:12:19,120 Speaker 1: out of the relationship, but her be encouraged as a tourist. 308 00:12:19,130 --> 00:12:22,100 Speaker 1: She refused because she felt like I have to start 309 00:12:22,110 --> 00:12:22,960 Speaker 1: all over again. 310 00:12:23,140 --> 00:12:25,960 Speaker 1: It's tiring. I would stay in this relationship. It's okay. 311 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,990 Speaker 1: But you know, after seven years she decided that she's 312 00:12:28,990 --> 00:12:31,460 Speaker 1: had enough. She still had to start from scratch anyway. 313 00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:34,650 Speaker 1: But I think it's a happier beginning point. Of 314 00:12:34,650 --> 00:12:38,339 Speaker 2: course, yeah, absolutely. It's never too late because it's always 315 00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:40,120 Speaker 2: going to because I can really relate to that. And 316 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:43,760 Speaker 2: especially if we're at the age of having babies, having kids. 317 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,160 Speaker 2: It's a lot of pressure from society from family. 318 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:50,480 Speaker 2: I'm all about going through hard times together. But there's 319 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,140 Speaker 2: a difference between going through hard times together and making 320 00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:56,490 Speaker 2: it is worth it then being in a relationship that's 321 00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:59,600 Speaker 2: not good for either of you. Life is long life 322 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,540 Speaker 2: is you know like starting over is okay. 323 00:13:01,550 --> 00:13:03,290 Speaker 1: I think when it gets to a point where you're 324 00:13:03,290 --> 00:13:06,230 Speaker 1: just plain suffering, that's just not good for either one 325 00:13:06,230 --> 00:13:07,559 Speaker 1: of you. But a lot of girls 326 00:13:07,740 --> 00:13:10,960 Speaker 1: they feel this sense of like a biological clock and 327 00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:12,720 Speaker 1: I think it's quite sad because I see girls in 328 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:16,310 Speaker 1: their young twenties and they're in relationships for 56 years 329 00:13:16,309 --> 00:13:18,550 Speaker 1: but they don't even think like what's coming, you know, 330 00:13:18,550 --> 00:13:21,690 Speaker 1: in the future to them, they're with someone, they're happy, 331 00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:23,500 Speaker 1: that's it. They're gonna have a kid, they're gonna have 332 00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:26,010 Speaker 1: a family because they're afraid to start a new like 333 00:13:26,010 --> 00:13:26,550 Speaker 1: your friend. 334 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,790 Speaker 1: Right? So I read this article recently online, there was 335 00:13:29,790 --> 00:13:30,350 Speaker 1: this guy 336 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,990 Speaker 1: who dated this girl for just two times. So after 337 00:13:33,990 --> 00:13:36,680 Speaker 1: the second date the guy texted the girl said, hey 338 00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:39,270 Speaker 1: would you like to take take things seriously? And the 339 00:13:39,270 --> 00:13:40,949 Speaker 1: girl felt that you know things were moving a bit 340 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 1: too fast, so she said no and then the guy 341 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,470 Speaker 1: called her out and say ha ha if you don't 342 00:13:45,470 --> 00:13:48,340 Speaker 1: date me nobody else is gonna date you anymore because 343 00:13:48,340 --> 00:13:49,960 Speaker 1: you're already past the age of 30 344 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,059 Speaker 1: and my mom sees 345 00:13:51,340 --> 00:13:53,350 Speaker 1: for your age, this is the last year you have 346 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,730 Speaker 1: before you have to give birth to kids, it's better 347 00:13:55,730 --> 00:13:57,810 Speaker 1: for you. It's better for the family. It's better for 348 00:13:57,809 --> 00:13:58,650 Speaker 1: the kids and 349 00:13:58,650 --> 00:14:00,689 Speaker 2: what's this guy's address? Yeah. Right 350 00:14:00,690 --> 00:14:03,780 Speaker 1: now we're going to pause right here. Someone in Taiwan 351 00:14:03,780 --> 00:14:06,680 Speaker 1: or china I believe. But the girl got so mad. 352 00:14:06,690 --> 00:14:11,650 Speaker 1: She stopped contact with him immediately and posted this conversation online. 353 00:14:11,740 --> 00:14:15,200 Speaker 1: To which yes many people responded to it and saying 354 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,780 Speaker 1: that it's good for her. I can I can definitely 355 00:14:17,780 --> 00:14:20,330 Speaker 1: you know um speak to my own experience of being 356 00:14:20,330 --> 00:14:24,610 Speaker 1: in a toxic relationship. So why I couldn't leave was 357 00:14:24,610 --> 00:14:27,300 Speaker 1: because we were very co dependent on each other. We 358 00:14:27,310 --> 00:14:30,660 Speaker 1: were trauma bonded and that was really terrible, right? 359 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,250 Speaker 1: And when I tried to leave 360 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,260 Speaker 1: he actually threatened to kill himself. 361 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:39,810 Speaker 1: Yeah. And at that point how can you leave if 362 00:14:39,810 --> 00:14:42,360 Speaker 1: someone's life is on the line? I literally don't know 363 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,280 Speaker 1: what he's gonna do. So I was locked in there 364 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,820 Speaker 1: for like another one or two more years until I 365 00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:51,660 Speaker 1: finally decided I have to go. Yeah. But 366 00:14:51,740 --> 00:14:54,210 Speaker 1: when you decided you had to go did he threatened 367 00:14:54,210 --> 00:14:55,160 Speaker 1: to kill himself again. 368 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,930 Speaker 1: But I couldn't do anything about that at that point 369 00:14:57,940 --> 00:15:00,540 Speaker 1: I had to do something for myself. You're 370 00:15:00,540 --> 00:15:03,760 Speaker 2: only your own responsibility, right? You don't you know he's 371 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:04,940 Speaker 2: his own responsibility. 372 00:15:04,950 --> 00:15:07,300 Speaker 1: I also think that sometimes people sort of, you know 373 00:15:07,310 --> 00:15:09,790 Speaker 1: they think about the years that they've spent together like 374 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,460 Speaker 1: we've been together for five years, six years 375 00:15:11,540 --> 00:15:13,160 Speaker 1: But they don't look ahead and think that you've got 376 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,479 Speaker 1: another 30 years, 40 years do you really want to 377 00:15:15,490 --> 00:15:18,260 Speaker 1: keep staying in this and keep placing this every day, 378 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,120 Speaker 1: right? You look back at the time that you spent, 379 00:15:21,130 --> 00:15:24,000 Speaker 1: but you've got all that years ahead of you that 380 00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:25,820 Speaker 1: you deserve to be happy, right? 381 00:15:25,830 --> 00:15:28,510 Speaker 2: And you never know the right person can literally be 382 00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 2: around the corner, you know, things can change overnight as well. So, 383 00:15:31,850 --> 00:15:33,250 Speaker 1: and you know, since you've mentioned 384 00:15:33,340 --> 00:15:36,540 Speaker 1: after discovering yourself after realizing that you know, these are 385 00:15:36,540 --> 00:15:38,330 Speaker 1: the red flags, these sort of things that you don't 386 00:15:38,330 --> 00:15:40,850 Speaker 1: want in a relationship. You know, stepping into something new 387 00:15:40,860 --> 00:15:43,380 Speaker 1: when you're looking for something new or just meeting new people. 388 00:15:43,390 --> 00:15:46,520 Speaker 1: What are things that you didn't realize before this that 389 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,730 Speaker 1: now for you is something very important for you to 390 00:15:49,730 --> 00:15:50,000 Speaker 1: look out 391 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:50,650 Speaker 2: for? 392 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,660 Speaker 2: I don't know if it's something that's very like 393 00:15:54,340 --> 00:15:56,750 Speaker 2: cookie cutter in a sense, I think what the best 394 00:15:56,750 --> 00:15:59,320 Speaker 2: way to really go about it is when you're bettering yourself, 395 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,060 Speaker 2: when you have a higher standard for yourself, you're not 396 00:16:02,060 --> 00:16:03,590 Speaker 2: gonna meet somebody who's going to give you a lower 397 00:16:03,590 --> 00:16:04,900 Speaker 1: standard. So that's 398 00:16:04,900 --> 00:16:07,170 Speaker 2: all that really matters, All you can control is yourself. 399 00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:09,280 Speaker 2: So work on yourself and be the best version of 400 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:11,620 Speaker 2: yourself and you're going to track that that that the 401 00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:12,460 Speaker 2: other version 402 00:16:12,740 --> 00:16:13,510 Speaker 2: that's good for you, 403 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,060 Speaker 1: You know Rupaul always says if you can't love yourself. 404 00:16:16,070 --> 00:16:17,990 Speaker 1: How in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? 405 00:16:17,990 --> 00:16:20,200 Speaker 1: And I live by that I truly live by that 406 00:16:20,210 --> 00:16:22,630 Speaker 1: because I think if you haven't healed your own trauma, 407 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:26,190 Speaker 1: you're only gonna attract little great people, sorry, little great 408 00:16:26,190 --> 00:16:26,900 Speaker 1: people 409 00:16:26,910 --> 00:16:30,170 Speaker 2: or people that can fill that void in a sense. 410 00:16:30,180 --> 00:16:33,650 Speaker 2: But you know, like you you should be a whole, 411 00:16:33,940 --> 00:16:35,840 Speaker 2: you know, when you when you are when you know 412 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,360 Speaker 2: yourself and spend time with yourself, 413 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,240 Speaker 2: you are a whole, so you're not attracting another half. 414 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:43,000 Speaker 2: So otherwise, because when you're when you have trauma inside you, 415 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,410 Speaker 2: that's not healed, you're attracting somebody that can that can 416 00:16:45,410 --> 00:16:48,260 Speaker 2: feel that hole in the sense that with I don't know, 417 00:16:48,260 --> 00:16:49,160 Speaker 2: it makes sense. That doesn't know 418 00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:53,970 Speaker 1: how has therapy helped you find self love? 419 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:54,770 Speaker 1: I think 420 00:16:54,770 --> 00:16:58,340 Speaker 2: therapy for me is just really about education. So, um 421 00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:00,780 Speaker 2: you know, I learned a lot of things about how 422 00:17:00,790 --> 00:17:04,470 Speaker 2: human emotions work and how traumas work and so when 423 00:17:04,470 --> 00:17:05,960 Speaker 2: I know the problem then I can 424 00:17:06,340 --> 00:17:07,410 Speaker 2: I can heal myself. 425 00:17:07,420 --> 00:17:09,230 Speaker 1: But so therapy is just therapy, but you've got to 426 00:17:09,230 --> 00:17:11,479 Speaker 1: do a lot of the work on your own of 427 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,980 Speaker 2: course, of course. And I think finding a real, finding 428 00:17:13,980 --> 00:17:16,570 Speaker 2: a therapist that works for you is also very, very important. 429 00:17:16,570 --> 00:17:18,950 Speaker 2: Not every therapist is going to work for everybody. So, 430 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:22,260 Speaker 2: you know, for me, I've tried different therapists for me, like, 431 00:17:22,270 --> 00:17:23,980 Speaker 2: you know, there's therapist that just listen to you talk 432 00:17:23,980 --> 00:17:25,960 Speaker 2: about your problem and they kind of give you your advice. 433 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,090 Speaker 2: You know what really worked for me, it was more 434 00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:31,310 Speaker 2: like educational. It's like, hey this is the, you know, 435 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:31,760 Speaker 2: the 436 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:37,620 Speaker 2: different attachment styles, there's different love languages, there's different co dependency. 437 00:17:37,630 --> 00:17:39,570 Speaker 2: So for me I was like, I was like, okay, 438 00:17:39,570 --> 00:17:41,480 Speaker 2: just start making sense. Instead of me just kind of 439 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,179 Speaker 2: talking about my problems and not really having like a 440 00:17:44,190 --> 00:17:46,000 Speaker 2: beginning middle and I kind of know that there's a, 441 00:17:46,010 --> 00:17:47,240 Speaker 2: there's a course I'm going through. 442 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,659 Speaker 1: It's scientific. It's proven. Yeah. 443 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,530 Speaker 1: So for our listeners listening into harsh podcasts who are 444 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:53,770 Speaker 1: looking to find a therapist, 445 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,770 Speaker 1: what would some advice you would give them a try. 446 00:17:55,770 --> 00:17:56,850 Speaker 1: A few therapists first, Maybe 447 00:17:56,859 --> 00:17:59,670 Speaker 2: I should try a couple of therapists because you know, 448 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,650 Speaker 2: it's like a dating process. You know, 449 00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:03,720 Speaker 1: can we swipe 450 00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:06,609 Speaker 2: them? Like, you know, there's apps right now out there 451 00:18:06,609 --> 00:18:08,810 Speaker 2: that you know with therapists, you can try. But I 452 00:18:08,810 --> 00:18:12,600 Speaker 2: think again, just somebody that you feel comfortable speaking with 453 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,530 Speaker 2: them and you know, also another thing is that you 454 00:18:14,530 --> 00:18:16,160 Speaker 2: have to be honest with yourself. 455 00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:19,050 Speaker 2: Sometimes, you know, when you tell yourself something, you're, sometimes 456 00:18:19,050 --> 00:18:20,879 Speaker 2: you feel, I don't know if you remember sometimes you 457 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,170 Speaker 2: filter your own thoughts. 458 00:18:22,250 --> 00:18:22,740 Speaker 1: Of course 459 00:18:22,750 --> 00:18:25,900 Speaker 2: you're like, wait, hold on. This is a filter version 460 00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:28,970 Speaker 2: of what I really feel. I really think so you 461 00:18:28,970 --> 00:18:30,810 Speaker 2: have to also be very honest with yourself then you 462 00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:32,590 Speaker 2: can be very honest with the therapist because otherwise you're 463 00:18:32,590 --> 00:18:34,320 Speaker 2: lying to yourself and your life into your therapist and 464 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:35,320 Speaker 2: just wasting everybody's time. 465 00:18:35,330 --> 00:18:37,660 Speaker 1: Sometimes I think when when you wanna like a lot 466 00:18:37,660 --> 00:18:39,889 Speaker 1: of people pity themselves and make themselves out to be 467 00:18:39,890 --> 00:18:42,380 Speaker 1: the victim, you may be the victim. But did you 468 00:18:42,380 --> 00:18:45,000 Speaker 1: do anything to perpetrate that as well? You got to 469 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,910 Speaker 1: look at yourself in a very honest lens. 470 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,200 Speaker 2: Absolutely. I tend to sugar coat a lot of things. 471 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,840 Speaker 2: Especially back then, you know, I sugarcoat things and sometimes 472 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:55,950 Speaker 2: sometimes my thoughts like wait I'm sugar coating myself to myself. 473 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:56,780 Speaker 1: You're editing 474 00:18:56,780 --> 00:18:58,310 Speaker 2: your Yeah, exactly. 475 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,660 Speaker 1: So just like we talked about one should love themselves 476 00:19:00,660 --> 00:19:02,320 Speaker 1: before they can love others. I think we can all 477 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,379 Speaker 1: agree with that. So let's share some tips from the 478 00:19:04,390 --> 00:19:07,469 Speaker 1: internet on healing from a toxic relationship. Do not contact 479 00:19:07,470 --> 00:19:10,530 Speaker 1: your ex partner, we all agree on that easier said 480 00:19:10,530 --> 00:19:14,030 Speaker 1: than done. They just struggle not contacting Andrew after the break. 481 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:14,100 Speaker 1: You 482 00:19:14,109 --> 00:19:16,710 Speaker 2: know because for me I was closed down and stuff. 483 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,070 Speaker 2: But again it took me many times. So yeah, other 484 00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:20,070 Speaker 2: times right? 485 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:23,120 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's a sense of familiarity, it's a sense of 486 00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:23,449 Speaker 1: like 487 00:19:23,540 --> 00:19:25,609 Speaker 1: this is this has been part of your life for 488 00:19:25,609 --> 00:19:28,270 Speaker 1: so long, right? But to cut off like cold turkey, 489 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,710 Speaker 1: it is difficult. But I think all you need to 490 00:19:30,710 --> 00:19:32,180 Speaker 1: do is have a good support system. 491 00:19:32,190 --> 00:19:34,939 Speaker 2: Yeah, it needs to be done also remember take it 492 00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:37,460 Speaker 2: day by day, hour by hour and every time you 493 00:19:37,460 --> 00:19:39,820 Speaker 2: do contact him just remember you're setting yourself backwards again. 494 00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:41,610 Speaker 2: You gotta restart it all over again. 495 00:19:41,619 --> 00:19:45,179 Speaker 1: It's like Dua lipa one don't pick up the phone, 496 00:19:45,190 --> 00:19:47,629 Speaker 1: you know, he's going to call when you drink a 497 00:19:47,630 --> 00:19:49,560 Speaker 1: little Absolutely 498 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 1: yeah. And maintain a strong support system, girlfriends that will 499 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:54,470 Speaker 1: knock your phone out of your hands if you try 500 00:19:54,470 --> 00:19:56,370 Speaker 1: to even call and I think what kelly mentioned just 501 00:19:56,369 --> 00:19:58,300 Speaker 1: now is very true. Don't be afraid to admit what 502 00:19:58,300 --> 00:20:01,450 Speaker 1: you have been through your emotions. Even if if you 503 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:04,200 Speaker 1: felt like it was a bad version of yourself, take that, 504 00:20:04,210 --> 00:20:07,540 Speaker 1: learn from that and grow from that quick question for 505 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:08,060 Speaker 1: the floor. 506 00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:10,120 Speaker 1: So based on your experiences, 507 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,169 Speaker 1: just marking our red flags and everything, what's a major 508 00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:16,060 Speaker 1: green flag for you right now? 509 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,729 Speaker 1: I like this question, like the first one that you 510 00:20:19,730 --> 00:20:20,150 Speaker 1: look at 511 00:20:20,150 --> 00:20:22,900 Speaker 2: for, for me, I think it's somebody who, you know, 512 00:20:22,910 --> 00:20:25,920 Speaker 2: honor your feelings, who understands it, who wants to, he 513 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,570 Speaker 2: might not agree with it, but at least he's listening 514 00:20:28,580 --> 00:20:30,480 Speaker 2: and that's very, very important to me. 515 00:20:30,490 --> 00:20:34,540 Speaker 1: I think someone that can communicate, so if I'm upset, 516 00:20:34,550 --> 00:20:37,050 Speaker 1: they can communicate through it. They're like, okay, 517 00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:39,680 Speaker 1: why are you upset? Can we work on this? And 518 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,250 Speaker 1: when you argue it's productive, you're trying to move forward. 519 00:20:42,250 --> 00:20:44,890 Speaker 1: You're not just trying to shout at each other because 520 00:20:44,890 --> 00:20:46,670 Speaker 1: your ankles? Yes, yes. 521 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:50,230 Speaker 1: I feel like discipline is important to me. Someone who's 522 00:20:50,230 --> 00:20:53,609 Speaker 1: discipline is always looking to work harder and improve themselves 523 00:20:53,619 --> 00:20:56,720 Speaker 1: and if I'm with a person of this type, then 524 00:20:56,730 --> 00:21:01,520 Speaker 1: I can also better myself day by day. I feel 525 00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:04,800 Speaker 1: like at this point, I think a sense of wonderment, 526 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,570 Speaker 1: you know, as much as that sounds a little fluffy 527 00:21:07,570 --> 00:21:09,090 Speaker 1: and everything right? But I think when you have a 528 00:21:09,090 --> 00:21:11,830 Speaker 1: sense of wonderment, you sort of always better yourself. You 529 00:21:11,830 --> 00:21:14,040 Speaker 1: want to, you know, see the world through like just 530 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:17,090 Speaker 1: clear lenses and not just through like sort of like 531 00:21:17,090 --> 00:21:20,400 Speaker 1: a tunnel vision. And I think that with that mindset 532 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,389 Speaker 1: you sort of, you know, want to explore your feelings, 533 00:21:22,390 --> 00:21:24,980 Speaker 1: you're more open to listening to other people's feelings. So 534 00:21:24,980 --> 00:21:26,850 Speaker 1: that's sort of like encompasses it. For me, 535 00:21:27,140 --> 00:21:29,960 Speaker 1: I think sometimes you can get lost in a relationship where, 536 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,850 Speaker 1: you know, you're so wrapped up in each other 537 00:21:31,940 --> 00:21:34,570 Speaker 1: that that is your whole personality. I've seen a lot 538 00:21:34,570 --> 00:21:36,570 Speaker 1: of people, I've been that person as well where I've 539 00:21:36,580 --> 00:21:39,280 Speaker 1: alienated all my friends, right? Because I was in such 540 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:39,460 Speaker 1: a 541 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:44,270 Speaker 1: loving relationship, but you have to remember your self identity, 542 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,480 Speaker 2: you know, I I don't remember the exact all the list, 543 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,369 Speaker 2: but so there's supposed to be seven areas of your 544 00:21:49,369 --> 00:21:51,780 Speaker 2: life and love is actually only one of it. So 545 00:21:51,780 --> 00:21:53,429 Speaker 2: if you think about it, it's only supposed to be 546 00:21:53,430 --> 00:21:56,240 Speaker 2: 1/7 of of your life, the other ones are, you know, 547 00:21:56,250 --> 00:22:01,420 Speaker 2: family time, career health, there's just so much more so 548 00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:03,919 Speaker 2: you gotta remember, you can't put so much emphasis on 549 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,880 Speaker 2: just that one thing and your relationship is supposed to 550 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,220 Speaker 2: kind of, I think it's a very important part but 551 00:22:09,230 --> 00:22:11,230 Speaker 2: um it's supposed to add to your life and part 552 00:22:11,230 --> 00:22:13,320 Speaker 2: of you, right? So it's not, it shouldn't just be 553 00:22:13,330 --> 00:22:14,340 Speaker 2: all of you in your life 554 00:22:14,340 --> 00:22:16,770 Speaker 1: so what like empowers you kelly and makes you feel 555 00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:20,160 Speaker 1: like confident? Like yes, I'm a badass bitch 556 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:24,240 Speaker 2: when I checked my bank account, I'm just saying no, no, no, no, 557 00:22:24,250 --> 00:22:28,510 Speaker 2: you know, I think um I think enjoying my alone 558 00:22:28,510 --> 00:22:31,350 Speaker 2: time right now, I think that's so empowering for me 559 00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:35,060 Speaker 2: because back then I really didn't like being alone, had 560 00:22:35,060 --> 00:22:38,330 Speaker 2: a problem being alone. I didn't know myself and I 561 00:22:38,340 --> 00:22:39,950 Speaker 2: was always, I would always go out and then 562 00:22:40,340 --> 00:22:43,730 Speaker 2: do silly things to fulfill my time, you know? And 563 00:22:43,730 --> 00:22:45,439 Speaker 2: so right now I think like a lot of I 564 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:48,700 Speaker 2: look for being alone and look forward, staying home and 565 00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:51,730 Speaker 2: just take a bubble bath, put on masks, watch some 566 00:22:51,730 --> 00:22:53,970 Speaker 2: tv and just you know relax 567 00:22:53,980 --> 00:22:56,790 Speaker 1: and that is a good way to increase your self confidence, 568 00:22:56,790 --> 00:22:58,850 Speaker 1: you know? But just being alone with your thoughts, 569 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,470 Speaker 1: you're clear of what you want in life that scared 570 00:23:01,470 --> 00:23:04,080 Speaker 1: me like once a couple of years ago I could 571 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:06,560 Speaker 1: never be alone just with my thoughts, I would spiral 572 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:09,859 Speaker 1: all the way down but now I enjoy that so much, 573 00:23:09,859 --> 00:23:10,169 Speaker 1: just 574 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,340 Speaker 1: healing by yourself, I think that's very important, right? And 575 00:23:13,340 --> 00:23:15,090 Speaker 1: if you jimmy and Zora both of you are very 576 00:23:15,090 --> 00:23:18,440 Speaker 1: confident women as well, oh come share with us. Thank 577 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,590 Speaker 1: you share with us. What are some tips to be 578 00:23:21,590 --> 00:23:25,240 Speaker 1: confident actually? Okay, this is embarrassing to say. But I 579 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,750 Speaker 1: talk to myself in the mirror every day. I do 580 00:23:27,750 --> 00:23:29,900 Speaker 1: self affirmation. So like if I put like this 581 00:23:29,910 --> 00:23:31,080 Speaker 2: outfit before I came out of 582 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:32,060 Speaker 1: the house, I was like, yes, 583 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,240 Speaker 1: you're a badass, let's go. And I do that. I 584 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:38,580 Speaker 1: love I love that, that's great. But I think as 585 00:23:38,580 --> 00:23:40,730 Speaker 1: much as hazel just said that, I think there are 586 00:23:40,740 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 1: times as well that I struggle with it and sometimes 587 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,720 Speaker 1: I feel like, you know, people think I'm all that 588 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:48,390 Speaker 1: confident and people think that, you know, I go out 589 00:23:48,390 --> 00:23:51,230 Speaker 1: and get things and do things and all that you do. 590 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:52,580 Speaker 2: I 591 00:23:52,590 --> 00:23:53,270 Speaker 1: try to 592 00:23:53,340 --> 00:23:55,710 Speaker 1: but I think a lot of times sometimes I sort 593 00:23:55,710 --> 00:23:59,480 Speaker 1: of pause and think whether, you know, it's like imposter syndrome, 594 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,730 Speaker 1: am I doing something that's on me and I just 595 00:24:01,740 --> 00:24:05,650 Speaker 1: pushing things aside and just pretending to be confident because 596 00:24:05,650 --> 00:24:09,040 Speaker 1: it's easier that way. So I wonder that sometimes and 597 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,580 Speaker 1: I think it's a it's an exploration right? Because we 598 00:24:11,580 --> 00:24:12,860 Speaker 1: all feel that sometimes. 599 00:24:12,940 --> 00:24:15,020 Speaker 1: But I think at the end of the day it's 600 00:24:15,030 --> 00:24:15,550 Speaker 1: um 601 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:16,950 Speaker 1: knowing that 602 00:24:17,740 --> 00:24:21,290 Speaker 1: no one owes you anything and you don't owe anyone anything. Yeah, 603 00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:22,739 Speaker 1: and you've got to do it for yourself because no 604 00:24:22,740 --> 00:24:24,850 Speaker 1: one's gonna do it for you and that's why you 605 00:24:24,850 --> 00:24:28,649 Speaker 1: got a good support system. We are giving her information 606 00:24:28,660 --> 00:24:32,180 Speaker 1: every time on the harsh podcast. Yeah. 607 00:24:32,180 --> 00:24:35,050 Speaker 2: I love that. That's very important. That the self information 608 00:24:35,060 --> 00:24:35,720 Speaker 2: information 609 00:24:35,730 --> 00:24:37,580 Speaker 1: that's really, really important. I think I was crazy for 610 00:24:37,580 --> 00:24:39,830 Speaker 1: talking myself in the mirror. But apparently more people do 611 00:24:39,830 --> 00:24:40,790 Speaker 1: it that I realize 612 00:24:40,810 --> 00:24:42,590 Speaker 2: we're journaling. I think journaling 613 00:24:43,340 --> 00:24:46,950 Speaker 1: I love I love writing my thoughts down. Just typing 614 00:24:46,950 --> 00:24:49,250 Speaker 1: it down or just really writing it down. I enjoy 615 00:24:49,250 --> 00:24:50,020 Speaker 1: it a lot. 616 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:51,810 Speaker 2: And sometimes you look back and you're like oh my 617 00:24:51,810 --> 00:24:55,149 Speaker 2: God you didn't you realize things that you otherwise wouldn't realize. 618 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,209 Speaker 1: Exactly. Exactly. It's important to keep track of your emotions. 619 00:24:58,220 --> 00:25:00,610 Speaker 1: So also be embarrassing to say. But I have this 620 00:25:00,609 --> 00:25:04,200 Speaker 1: diary where it consists of a mood tracker. So every 621 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,470 Speaker 1: day it gives you like this circle with two eyes 622 00:25:06,470 --> 00:25:08,899 Speaker 1: and you have to draw the smile. Is it a smile? 623 00:25:08,910 --> 00:25:10,860 Speaker 1: Is it neutral or is it a frown? 624 00:25:10,940 --> 00:25:13,090 Speaker 1: So you have to draw the emotions every day and 625 00:25:13,090 --> 00:25:14,899 Speaker 1: then you can just look back this month. Have I 626 00:25:14,900 --> 00:25:15,950 Speaker 1: been more happy 627 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:19,419 Speaker 1: then upset or have I just been neutral. So I 628 00:25:19,420 --> 00:25:22,550 Speaker 1: think mood tracking is also very very important. What if 629 00:25:22,550 --> 00:25:24,460 Speaker 1: half of your day was great and the other half 630 00:25:24,460 --> 00:25:26,149 Speaker 1: of that ship then it's going to be like the 631 00:25:26,150 --> 00:25:29,710 Speaker 1: one straight line. It's gonna be like, oh okay. That 632 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:35,480 Speaker 1: emoji journaling is one way self affirmations. I've tried mindfulness 633 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:37,060 Speaker 1: as well. I've tried mindfulness because 634 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,460 Speaker 1: we are so busy. We're moving around on the daily 635 00:25:39,460 --> 00:25:42,600 Speaker 1: we are on like 23 screens at one time sometimes 636 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:45,449 Speaker 1: just lying there and feeling what courses through your body 637 00:25:45,450 --> 00:25:48,430 Speaker 1: is important. Right kelly. Have you heard of the pots 638 00:25:48,430 --> 00:25:51,210 Speaker 1: thing whereby you throw your phone aside? You go into 639 00:25:51,210 --> 00:25:54,929 Speaker 1: this empty and then you have to sit on the float. 640 00:25:54,940 --> 00:25:57,219 Speaker 1: You literally can see nothing okay. You can't even see 641 00:25:57,220 --> 00:25:59,920 Speaker 1: your own hands dark dark room and you just float 642 00:25:59,930 --> 00:26:03,080 Speaker 1: sensory pod. Yeah. For an hour 643 00:26:03,090 --> 00:26:06,879 Speaker 2: for the it's it's saltwater. Yeah. I actually even tried 644 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:08,800 Speaker 2: it yet but it's very popular in L. A. 645 00:26:08,810 --> 00:26:11,280 Speaker 1: Oh it scares me. I 646 00:26:11,290 --> 00:26:15,280 Speaker 2: feel like I have like I think it's worth trying. 647 00:26:15,290 --> 00:26:15,619 Speaker 2: So 648 00:26:15,619 --> 00:26:17,119 Speaker 1: it's something that you do on the daily. What are 649 00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:19,540 Speaker 1: your practices to make sure you check in with yourself? 650 00:26:19,540 --> 00:26:21,670 Speaker 2: Yeah. I think one of the things is that 651 00:26:21,740 --> 00:26:25,480 Speaker 2: go on walks with my puppy Sophia and try not 652 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,400 Speaker 2: to look at your phone. Sometimes you have to take 653 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,280 Speaker 2: a break, especially right before you go to bed, an 654 00:26:29,290 --> 00:26:31,629 Speaker 2: hour before you to bed. Um Looking at the news 655 00:26:31,630 --> 00:26:35,020 Speaker 2: or social media is actually really not healthy for you. 656 00:26:35,030 --> 00:26:37,459 Speaker 1: It's really damaging. And I also read online 657 00:26:37,540 --> 00:26:40,260 Speaker 1: um you know statistics show that if you read the 658 00:26:40,260 --> 00:26:42,879 Speaker 1: news upon waking up it's more likely that you have 659 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,740 Speaker 1: a bad day because you might read a very bad 660 00:26:44,740 --> 00:26:46,400 Speaker 1: piece of news. A lot of bad things going on 661 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,460 Speaker 1: in this world. So when you wake up take that 662 00:26:48,470 --> 00:26:51,790 Speaker 1: our try not to look at your phone and just go, 663 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:53,060 Speaker 1: I don't know, smell the roses. 664 00:26:53,070 --> 00:26:54,869 Speaker 2: Yeah. I used to like, you know if I had 665 00:26:54,869 --> 00:26:58,120 Speaker 2: to be somewhere at nine, I used to like really push, okay, 666 00:26:58,119 --> 00:26:59,840 Speaker 2: I wake up at 8 15, I'll get out of 667 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:02,460 Speaker 2: there by 8 30. I'm on the road because traffic 668 00:27:02,460 --> 00:27:04,860 Speaker 2: in L. A. Is really bad. But nowadays about the, 669 00:27:05,140 --> 00:27:06,530 Speaker 2: you have got to leave the house by eight. I 670 00:27:06,530 --> 00:27:08,260 Speaker 2: normally wake up at like 6 30 so I give 671 00:27:08,260 --> 00:27:09,359 Speaker 2: myself an hour and a half, 672 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:13,180 Speaker 2: have my morning coffee and just just just just relax, 673 00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:15,400 Speaker 2: you know, and it helps, it helps, it helps so 674 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,900 Speaker 2: much spend time with my puppy and then go on 675 00:27:17,900 --> 00:27:20,390 Speaker 2: walks and just, you know, start your morning a little 676 00:27:20,390 --> 00:27:22,359 Speaker 2: bit slower. Not not jump right into it. 677 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,510 Speaker 1: It puts you in a better headspace to deal with 678 00:27:24,510 --> 00:27:26,800 Speaker 1: whatever comes your way as well, like kelly today she 679 00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,040 Speaker 1: woke up at six a.m. Oh my goodness, it's kind 680 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,460 Speaker 1: of incredible goodness. I don't know how like, 681 00:27:31,940 --> 00:27:33,740 Speaker 1: And you must be jet lag. Like I can't even 682 00:27:33,740 --> 00:27:34,459 Speaker 1: wake up at six and 683 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:37,840 Speaker 2: That's why I woke up at 6? A fair 684 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:40,740 Speaker 1: point. Okay, so on this positive note, how can we 685 00:27:40,740 --> 00:27:44,969 Speaker 1: set expectations for new relationships with, learning from our past? 686 00:27:44,980 --> 00:27:48,260 Speaker 1: What do you girls think if you can identify what 687 00:27:48,260 --> 00:27:49,359 Speaker 1: didn't work for? You 688 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:52,389 Speaker 1: don't go looking for it, right? I know like I said, 689 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:55,320 Speaker 1: some people's some people's favorite color is red. So that's 690 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,320 Speaker 1: why they look for red flags. But no look for green. 691 00:27:57,330 --> 00:27:59,690 Speaker 1: Oh no, no, not specifically. 692 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:01,000 Speaker 1: But yeah, 693 00:28:01,010 --> 00:28:03,139 Speaker 2: looking right at you, help 694 00:28:03,150 --> 00:28:06,850 Speaker 1: you look for things that are going to empower you 695 00:28:06,859 --> 00:28:09,890 Speaker 1: and serve you, especially if you are a career woman, right? 696 00:28:09,890 --> 00:28:11,270 Speaker 1: You can't be looking for someone that's going to be 697 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:13,780 Speaker 1: intimidated by that. What about you kelly? How can we 698 00:28:13,780 --> 00:28:16,350 Speaker 1: set expectations for new relationships? I think, 699 00:28:16,350 --> 00:28:18,770 Speaker 2: you know, for me Elise, I think 700 00:28:18,940 --> 00:28:22,090 Speaker 2: don't focus on searching for new relationship. Don't keep don't 701 00:28:22,090 --> 00:28:25,230 Speaker 2: keep focusing on that because just focus on yourself and 702 00:28:25,230 --> 00:28:28,139 Speaker 2: the right person will attract themselves to you and vice versa. 703 00:28:28,150 --> 00:28:31,720 Speaker 1: Absolutely. I like that. I think sometimes people expect too 704 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:34,390 Speaker 1: much out of a relationship, you know, they fall into 705 00:28:34,390 --> 00:28:37,330 Speaker 1: something and they expect that person to be everything for them. 706 00:28:37,340 --> 00:28:39,860 Speaker 1: But it's the same way we have like different friends, 707 00:28:39,860 --> 00:28:41,670 Speaker 1: not safe for different purposes, 708 00:28:41,740 --> 00:28:43,840 Speaker 1: but we go to different friends with different things or 709 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:44,260 Speaker 1: you know, 710 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:47,280 Speaker 1: it just it just happens that way, right? And I 711 00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:48,850 Speaker 1: think that you can't expect 712 00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:51,680 Speaker 1: just because you're in a relationship that one person for 713 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:54,430 Speaker 1: them to fill every aspect of your life, like they 714 00:28:54,430 --> 00:28:55,490 Speaker 1: can't do that 715 00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:56,970 Speaker 2: and the same thing when I was talking about earlier 716 00:28:56,970 --> 00:29:01,110 Speaker 2: is that if you feel whole within yourself, then that's okay. 717 00:29:01,110 --> 00:29:02,980 Speaker 2: You can't you can't think the other person's gonna fix 718 00:29:02,990 --> 00:29:07,540 Speaker 2: all your problems that's so much pressure and very unhealthy, right? 719 00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:09,360 Speaker 1: I feel like 720 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:11,650 Speaker 1: you must like the version you are when you are 721 00:29:11,650 --> 00:29:13,550 Speaker 1: with your partner and you must like the version you 722 00:29:13,550 --> 00:29:14,670 Speaker 1: are when you are alone. 723 00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:16,860 Speaker 1: I feel like that's a very good indication of a 724 00:29:16,860 --> 00:29:19,620 Speaker 1: healthy relationship. So keep that in mind. If you're listening 725 00:29:19,620 --> 00:29:22,930 Speaker 1: to harsh podcast with that any last words of advice 726 00:29:22,930 --> 00:29:24,160 Speaker 1: for our listeners out there, 727 00:29:24,540 --> 00:29:28,350 Speaker 1: I think getting out of a toxic relationship is not easy, right? 728 00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:30,450 Speaker 1: It takes a lot of self work and it's going 729 00:29:30,450 --> 00:29:32,600 Speaker 1: to take time. I think people don't realize that they 730 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:35,740 Speaker 1: want it to happen overnight, instant gratification, but it's gonna 731 00:29:35,740 --> 00:29:38,910 Speaker 1: take you months, maybe even years, but you will get 732 00:29:38,910 --> 00:29:42,620 Speaker 1: there right? Yeah. I think everything that we've spoken about 733 00:29:42,620 --> 00:29:46,960 Speaker 1: it really takes time and that you know, sometimes some mistakes, 734 00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:48,560 Speaker 1: you've just got to make it for yourself. 735 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:51,400 Speaker 1: But after that, so I learned from it and just 736 00:29:51,410 --> 00:29:55,280 Speaker 1: realized that you know, this work, this didn't. And I 737 00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:58,350 Speaker 1: think from there, it's for you to grow, not for 738 00:29:58,350 --> 00:30:00,540 Speaker 1: you to, you know, find someone better or anything like that, 739 00:30:00,540 --> 00:30:01,110 Speaker 1: but for you to 740 00:30:01,110 --> 00:30:06,030 Speaker 2: grow. Um, I think for me the messages, uh self 741 00:30:06,030 --> 00:30:07,270 Speaker 2: love is not 742 00:30:07,740 --> 00:30:11,910 Speaker 2: selfish and be patient with yourself. It's okay not to 743 00:30:11,910 --> 00:30:14,850 Speaker 2: be okay all the time and just be kind and 744 00:30:14,850 --> 00:30:15,710 Speaker 2: patient to yourself, 745 00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:18,900 Speaker 1: right? Moving on is tough for sure. But every small 746 00:30:18,900 --> 00:30:22,890 Speaker 1: step is huge, huge progress. So just hang in there 747 00:30:22,900 --> 00:30:25,440 Speaker 1: and believe in yourself. You know, we can speak about 748 00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:26,550 Speaker 1: our experiences, but 749 00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:28,770 Speaker 1: I'm not going to speak on behalf of the other people, 750 00:30:28,770 --> 00:30:31,150 Speaker 1: you know, the other people that, you know we've mentioned 751 00:30:31,150 --> 00:30:33,280 Speaker 1: here because they have their own stories, they have their 752 00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:36,790 Speaker 1: own traumas and this is just our personal experiences. So 753 00:30:36,790 --> 00:30:39,390 Speaker 1: we just wanted to make a disclaimer about that with that. 754 00:30:39,390 --> 00:30:41,050 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode 755 00:30:41,050 --> 00:30:42,170 Speaker 1: of celebrities. 756 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,180 Speaker 1: We want to see a very, very huge thank you 757 00:30:45,180 --> 00:30:48,180 Speaker 1: to kelly for joining us and really sharing so openly 758 00:30:48,210 --> 00:30:50,170 Speaker 1: on the bottom of so much. Thanks for having me. 759 00:30:50,180 --> 00:30:52,840 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. We're on instagram at its clarity 760 00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:55,700 Speaker 1: dot com. You can listen to us and Spotify me. Listen, 761 00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:59,130 Speaker 1: Apple podcast. Don't forget to turn on the notification bell. 762 00:30:59,140 --> 00:31:02,670 Speaker 1: Once again I'm hazel, I'm kelly. I'm a zero and 763 00:31:02,670 --> 00:31:06,280 Speaker 1: I'm Jermaine. I will see you next time. Bye!