WEBVTT - Secrecy or privacy - How much should you share about your past? 0:00:00.000 --> 0:00:05.850 Hey, this is Sonia. Welcome to another episode of Men explain. 0:00:07.940 --> 0:00:08.260 Mhm. 0:00:09.840 --> 0:00:13.830 Thanks so much for your love and support so far. Now, 0:00:13.830 --> 0:00:17.599 today we are talking about honesty and how much should 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:20.369 you tell your partner about your past. So that's a 0:00:20.370 --> 0:00:24.110 loaded question. And here to answer it openly and honestly 0:00:24.120 --> 0:00:26.400 is john tell us about yourself, john yes. 0:00:26.400 --> 0:00:29.000 Hi. Hi guys. My name is john is Sonya introduced. 0:00:29.140 --> 0:00:30.770 I'm going to be really honestly, and I'm gonna plug 0:00:30.780 --> 0:00:33.360 all my social so that you'll give us engagement. Okay. 0:00:33.540 --> 0:00:35.589 So I work at a small local. I'm a creative, 0:00:35.590 --> 0:00:38.290 I do photos, I do videos, but in my downtime, 0:00:38.290 --> 0:00:40.520 I actually do a podcast as well. Right on over 0:00:40.520 --> 0:00:42.940 think S. G. We always think actually everywhere, please can't 0:00:42.940 --> 0:00:43.320 follow us. 0:00:43.330 --> 0:00:46.059 Why is it over think do you overthink a lot 0:00:46.070 --> 0:00:47.419 or why? 0:00:47.430 --> 0:00:49.379 When we started the channel, the channels name was my 0:00:49.380 --> 0:00:52.040 co host name, Alastair Punk. Right. And then after a 0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:53.019 while audience was like, 0:00:53.030 --> 0:00:53.940 what? Lester Park? 0:00:53.940 --> 0:00:55.480 Where's john? Right. And then we were like, okay, we 0:00:55.480 --> 0:00:57.810 didn't think so far. So what we did was there like, 0:00:57.810 --> 0:00:59.620 you know, we try to find a common thing that 0:00:59.620 --> 0:01:01.970 we do, right? We eat a lot. We, we spend 0:01:01.970 --> 0:01:03.790 a lot money. Not really. So when we realized we 0:01:03.790 --> 0:01:05.710 overthink quite a fair bit and as a result we 0:01:05.709 --> 0:01:07.550 called it over think and we never looked back since, 0:01:07.560 --> 0:01:09.720 you know, I think it's a very relatable name because 0:01:09.720 --> 0:01:13.360 naturally all of us overthink, right? And if you from 0:01:13.360 --> 0:01:16.179 tuned into this podcast long enough, you would actually know 0:01:16.180 --> 0:01:18.479 that sometimes we were called for like 1 1.5 hours 0:01:18.480 --> 0:01:19.950 but we have to cut it down because 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:21.740 obviously we're over sharing as well 0:01:21.740 --> 0:01:23.289 as True. Yeah, 0:01:23.300 --> 0:01:24.959 yeah. But you know, I'm so glad that you're joining 0:01:24.959 --> 0:01:27.860 us today because this is a topic that um 0:01:28.240 --> 0:01:30.679 may not be the easiest to tackle when it comes 0:01:30.680 --> 0:01:33.830 to honesty, when it comes to openness, When it comes 0:01:33.830 --> 0:01:37.780 to telling your partner about your past, your past relationships. 0:01:37.780 --> 0:01:40.580 Sometimes it can be a bit of a daunting thing, right? 0:01:40.580 --> 0:01:41.410 Do you agree with that 0:01:41.420 --> 0:01:43.650 definitely is I think daunting is the right word for 0:01:43.650 --> 0:01:47.930 it because you're as humans, we're always worried about judgment 0:01:47.940 --> 0:01:51.080 and especially judgment from someone that is 0:01:51.240 --> 0:01:54.040 that we are especially vulnerable with, right? So I can 0:01:54.040 --> 0:01:58.010 understand why certain things you told the line between secrecy 0:01:58.020 --> 0:02:01.110 and being open with your partner because you're worried about 0:02:01.110 --> 0:02:03.830 that judgment that comes from someone that you ideally want 0:02:03.830 --> 0:02:06.470 to share a huge part of your life with. So 0:02:06.470 --> 0:02:08.980 that's where it gets really tough. But at the same time, 0:02:08.980 --> 0:02:09.750 I think that like 0:02:09.940 --> 0:02:12.360 um there are ways to their ways to navigate that, 0:02:12.370 --> 0:02:15.390 right? Yeah. And that's that's why, you know, your relationship works. 0:02:15.389 --> 0:02:18.200 I mean if you are in a relationship, I am okay. 0:02:18.210 --> 0:02:21.799 Hopefully all my all my theories can apply into action. 0:02:21.810 --> 0:02:24.520 Yeah. You know, it's so funny because sometimes we when 0:02:24.520 --> 0:02:27.000 we share with our friends, right? It's almost like everyone 0:02:27.000 --> 0:02:29.239 is very knowledgeable in the current moment when we share 0:02:29.240 --> 0:02:31.070 problems all of sudden we got advice and all that. 0:02:31.070 --> 0:02:31.359 But 0:02:31.440 --> 0:02:34.230 can we even apply what we advise our friends to ourselves? 0:02:34.230 --> 0:02:36.140 And that's the biggest question to. 0:02:36.150 --> 0:02:37.959 It's true. It's very easy to be objective when you 0:02:37.960 --> 0:02:39.650 take a step back, right? But if you're in the 0:02:39.650 --> 0:02:40.480 first person I 0:02:40.590 --> 0:02:43.240 like suddenly you're clouded with, I don't know, anger and 0:02:43.240 --> 0:02:45.770 all the feelings and emotions. So here's a question for you. 0:02:45.770 --> 0:02:49.320 Like when you just start dating someone, um do you 0:02:49.320 --> 0:02:51.520 have a rule like after how many days then I 0:02:51.520 --> 0:02:54.040 start sharing about my excess or do you guys bring 0:02:54.040 --> 0:02:56.500 the excess up immediately? Or how does that work for you? 0:02:56.510 --> 0:02:58.490 There's no, there's no strict formula that I can give 0:02:58.490 --> 0:03:00.410 you an answer for. But if you ask me based 0:03:00.410 --> 0:03:02.460 on my comfort level and based on my relationship, right? 0:03:02.639 --> 0:03:06.209 I think for me my policy is very simple in 0:03:06.210 --> 0:03:09.240 terms of bringing up history and bringing up the number 0:03:09.240 --> 0:03:14.070 of access and bringing up how your past relationships were. Like, right, ideally, 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:17.080 mine is not determined by how many days it's more 0:03:17.080 --> 0:03:18.720 of like before we get together, 0:03:18.730 --> 0:03:19.160 right? 0:03:19.340 --> 0:03:20.859 Yeah, before you make it official. 0:03:20.870 --> 0:03:24.160 Exactly. Because I think the stakes are way higher. 0:03:24.340 --> 0:03:27.359 If you discuss and find out all these things that 0:03:27.360 --> 0:03:30.709 could potentially be deal breakers after the fact that you've 0:03:30.710 --> 0:03:34.480 gotten together as compared to before you get together, you 0:03:34.480 --> 0:03:36.230 all discuss this and then say that like, hey, we're 0:03:36.230 --> 0:03:38.410 going to be proceeding into the next step of things 0:03:38.410 --> 0:03:41.820 because good feelings, good feelings, right? Here's what we have 0:03:41.820 --> 0:03:42.850 and here's what you have. 0:03:43.040 --> 0:03:45.650 Let's see whether any of this is non negotiable. 0:03:45.840 --> 0:03:49.760 Wait. So so those are very heavy words non negotiable 0:03:49.760 --> 0:03:53.040 and dealbreakers. Can you give me an example of what 0:03:53.040 --> 0:03:54.880 a deal breaker is right for you? 0:03:54.890 --> 0:03:57.990 Okay. So personally, for me, right, I would like, I'm 0:03:57.990 --> 0:04:00.450 quite open, so I don't really have, 0:04:00.940 --> 0:04:03.650 I don't really have dealbreakers per se, right? If I 0:04:03.650 --> 0:04:06.030 had to pinpoint at one, that would that would cause 0:04:06.030 --> 0:04:08.360 me to win a little if it were brought up, right, 0:04:08.370 --> 0:04:11.540 would be to say that like, oh my part, my 0:04:11.540 --> 0:04:14.050 potential partner cheated before. 0:04:14.440 --> 0:04:16.290 Right, Okay. 0:04:16.300 --> 0:04:18.020 And that would be something that would be a little 0:04:18.020 --> 0:04:19.350 bit harder to digest for me. 0:04:19.360 --> 0:04:21.669 Has that ever happened to you before? 0:04:21.680 --> 0:04:24.060 Thankfully, No, I've been very, very, very lucky in the 0:04:24.060 --> 0:04:25.020 dating game, right? 0:04:25.029 --> 0:04:25.860 Yeah, that's true. 0:04:25.940 --> 0:04:27.880 Well, okay, so I just want to hold on that 0:04:27.890 --> 0:04:29.919 thought for a minute because I do have, you know, 0:04:29.930 --> 0:04:32.710 some close friends we always share about relationships and stuff 0:04:32.710 --> 0:04:35.360 and I do have a close friend who um 0:04:35.540 --> 0:04:39.040 she actually was in a long term relationship, unfortunately she 0:04:39.040 --> 0:04:40.590 did cheat on her partner, 0:04:40.600 --> 0:04:41.340 right? 0:04:41.350 --> 0:04:45.230 But as a result she found herself in a situation 0:04:45.230 --> 0:04:47.760 with a guy that she's happier than ever before, 0:04:47.770 --> 0:04:48.349 right? 0:04:48.540 --> 0:04:51.750 And it doesn't change my perception of her as a person. 0:04:51.750 --> 0:04:55.140 And she did her current partner knows everything about what 0:04:55.140 --> 0:04:56.270 happened with the X. And 0:04:56.270 --> 0:04:57.060 stuff. 0:04:57.240 --> 0:05:00.480 And it doesn't change his perception of her as well. 0:05:00.490 --> 0:05:02.760 So do you feel like it could be a very 0:05:02.760 --> 0:05:04.910 subjective thing? Like there are some people out there who 0:05:04.910 --> 0:05:08.070 don't mind, you know, such so called red flags as 0:05:08.070 --> 0:05:11.500 some of us might deem to others. It might be like, okay, 0:05:11.500 --> 0:05:13.150 you know, it doesn't change my perception of you at 0:05:13.150 --> 0:05:13.859 all. 0:05:14.040 --> 0:05:15.849 So I mean before, before I answer that question, I 0:05:15.850 --> 0:05:17.960 just want to ask, have you experienced 0:05:18.240 --> 0:05:19.320 being cheated on before? 0:05:19.330 --> 0:05:21.260 Yes, I have. Right. Yes. 0:05:21.270 --> 0:05:25.130 My condolences. But like, like, like once, twice or multiple 0:05:25.130 --> 0:05:25.659 times or 0:05:25.670 --> 0:05:28.600 um actually it was it was more than once. More 0:05:28.600 --> 0:05:31.150 than once. More than once. But I'm the kind of 0:05:31.150 --> 0:05:34.219 person where I would like to talk about it. So 0:05:34.220 --> 0:05:36.339 you know, we make mistakes. I've made my fair share 0:05:36.339 --> 0:05:38.409 of mistakes, you know? And I've dated people who have 0:05:38.410 --> 0:05:40.760 made their mistakes as well in relationships. And 0:05:40.940 --> 0:05:44.730 um for me, I want to find out why what 0:05:44.730 --> 0:05:47.410 happened there, what led to this moment? And is it 0:05:47.410 --> 0:05:49.450 something that both of us were guilty of both of 0:05:49.450 --> 0:05:51.860 us did something that led to this moment? Like I 0:05:51.860 --> 0:05:54.229 want to find out the root cause as well. Yeah. 0:05:54.240 --> 0:05:55.750 So I mean in the context of reflex they were 0:05:55.750 --> 0:05:57.930 talking about, the reason why I asked this question is 0:05:57.930 --> 0:06:00.150 to understand a little bit in terms of your comfort 0:06:00.150 --> 0:06:01.960 level when it comes to discussing these kind of things. 0:06:02.140 --> 0:06:05.140 So I think we whenever you get into a relationship 0:06:05.140 --> 0:06:07.710 with someone, when you're about to discuss your reflex, right? 0:06:07.720 --> 0:06:11.680 One of the things to immediately ground yourself with is 0:06:11.680 --> 0:06:14.640 to understand that this person is not just potential partner, 0:06:14.640 --> 0:06:17.420 but also an individual as well. And as an individual, 0:06:17.420 --> 0:06:20.049 the person who have different levels of comfort, different 0:06:20.240 --> 0:06:22.940 concepts of what a red flag might be like and 0:06:22.940 --> 0:06:25.060 not everything is everything is just 0:06:25.140 --> 0:06:29.669 that relationship that you share. And like to asking about 0:06:29.670 --> 0:06:32.820 whether they are okay with discussing their past experiences with 0:06:32.830 --> 0:06:35.060 eating and stuff like that. You will have a very, very, 0:06:35.060 --> 0:06:38.570 very clear idea in that sense about whether it's even 0:06:38.570 --> 0:06:41.220 a red flag or whether even discussing it is comfortable 0:06:41.220 --> 0:06:43.630 for them and I think that's the first step and 0:06:43.630 --> 0:06:44.820 as much as this is going to be the most 0:06:44.820 --> 0:06:47.020 hippie ship that you hear me say in this episode, 0:06:47.020 --> 0:06:47.549 but like 0:06:47.640 --> 0:06:52.710 um dating is really all about communication, but what does 0:06:52.710 --> 0:06:55.630 that mean? Right people here, that's a quote that has 0:06:55.640 --> 0:06:57.640 always time. But what does that really mean for me? 0:06:57.640 --> 0:07:00.460 Like it means communicating in a way that is easy 0:07:00.460 --> 0:07:03.779 for the other person to understand because you can communicate 0:07:03.779 --> 0:07:04.860 and talk all you want. 0:07:05.140 --> 0:07:07.350 But if the other person does not digest it the 0:07:07.350 --> 0:07:09.600 right way, right, then the communication is for not right? 0:07:09.600 --> 0:07:10.450 You're just 0:07:10.640 --> 0:07:13.710 we're just preaching, right? So in order to find out 0:07:13.710 --> 0:07:16.120 whether something is a red flag, you need to understand 0:07:16.130 --> 0:07:20.070 this individual a bit better. And sometimes you have to 0:07:20.070 --> 0:07:24.230 ask the very daunting question about whether it's cheating a 0:07:24.230 --> 0:07:25.120 red flag, 0:07:25.130 --> 0:07:25.940 right? It almost sounds 0:07:25.950 --> 0:07:28.619 instinctively everyone on the internet, but of course it's a 0:07:28.630 --> 0:07:30.630 red flag, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But like you mentioned, 0:07:30.630 --> 0:07:32.590 we've all made our fair share of mistakes just in 0:07:32.590 --> 0:07:36.510 varying sizes, and it is my opinion that everyone deserves 0:07:36.510 --> 0:07:39.420 to be forgiven. So if let's say someone who has 0:07:39.420 --> 0:07:41.750 cheated cheated on someone before 0:07:41.940 --> 0:07:44.350 comes around and wants to be a better person who's 0:07:44.350 --> 0:07:45.440 to say they don't deserve a second 0:07:45.440 --> 0:07:47.739 chance, of course, because you need to find out the context. 0:07:47.740 --> 0:07:50.540 The reason, I mean, not that we're justifying it, 0:07:50.540 --> 0:07:51.690 but we're not, every 0:07:51.690 --> 0:07:54.220 situation is different and you know, they've got their own 0:07:54.220 --> 0:07:56.880 story behind it. So we're not one to judge as well, 0:07:56.880 --> 0:07:59.180 which I completely agree, but, you know, based on what 0:07:59.180 --> 0:08:00.360 you're saying, you're pretty much 0:08:00.440 --> 0:08:01.180 an open book, 0:08:01.190 --> 0:08:05.230 I am okay with discussing anything. And I think that 0:08:05.240 --> 0:08:07.420 we need to have adopted the attitude a little bit 0:08:07.420 --> 0:08:10.710 more because everything is worth discussing and forming an opinion 0:08:10.720 --> 0:08:11.150 about 0:08:11.340 --> 0:08:13.140 you are entitled to your own opinions, but you are 0:08:13.140 --> 0:08:15.690 also you ought to also give someone else the chance 0:08:15.690 --> 0:08:16.600 to change your mind, 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:19.200 you would say that sharing details and like being an 0:08:19.200 --> 0:08:21.090 open book builds intimacy in a 0:08:21.100 --> 0:08:22.720 relationship. Do 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:23.750 you think that plays a part? 0:08:23.760 --> 0:08:26.050 It definitely does because I think, I think interpret see 0:08:26.050 --> 0:08:28.140 might not be the right word. I think the word 0:08:28.140 --> 0:08:30.220 that we have to that we're looking for his trust. 0:08:30.230 --> 0:08:30.800 Okay. 0:08:30.810 --> 0:08:33.270 Because if you're able to be open with your partner 0:08:33.270 --> 0:08:36.380 about most things, it gives your partner the opportunity to 0:08:36.380 --> 0:08:39.330 be open about at least those things as well. Yeah, 0:08:39.340 --> 0:08:39.750 I mean, 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:43.440 look, I feel like sometimes, you know, in my lunch 0:08:43.440 --> 0:08:45.760 sessions with my girls and stuff, when we talk about 0:08:45.760 --> 0:08:47.060 our relationship problems and all 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:49.600 the one thing that I wanted to just ask you, 0:08:49.610 --> 0:08:52.990 you know, there's the term that we use like secrecy 0:08:52.990 --> 0:08:55.170 and stuff like that. You keep secrets between, you know, 0:08:55.170 --> 0:08:58.960 couples and all. But what's the difference between keeping secrets 0:08:58.970 --> 0:09:05.220 and downplaying situations right? To avoid conflict or a fight? 0:09:05.230 --> 0:09:07.290 Do you think that there's a big difference between the 0:09:07.290 --> 0:09:08.910 two or the lines are blurred? 0:09:08.920 --> 0:09:10.700 This is this is where I have to say the 0:09:10.700 --> 0:09:13.120 lines are definitely a bit because like it is a 0:09:13.130 --> 0:09:15.720 mixture of wanting to be open with your partner, but 0:09:15.730 --> 0:09:17.059 also wanting to be kind to your 0:09:17.059 --> 0:09:18.200 partner, right? 0:09:18.200 --> 0:09:20.199 Because like there are some things, you know, for a 0:09:20.200 --> 0:09:23.160 fact that if you overshare in the wrong context 0:09:23.160 --> 0:09:24.400 is going to trigger it 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:26.110 is right and you might hurt them, right? And you 0:09:26.110 --> 0:09:28.400 don't want to do that. So that's where people have 0:09:28.400 --> 0:09:30.839 that struggle, personally, I've encountered that myself. 0:09:30.850 --> 0:09:32.500 Have you right where you tell us more? 0:09:32.510 --> 0:09:36.010 I mean, I mean through omission, right? Omission, you try 0:09:36.010 --> 0:09:39.040 to salvage the situation like I've had have had an 0:09:39.040 --> 0:09:43.790 incident with one of my partners before where basically for 0:09:43.800 --> 0:09:47.170 their birthday or something like that, right? I was like, 0:09:47.179 --> 0:09:48.160 let me get them a nice present. 0:09:48.240 --> 0:09:50.160 But at the same time while I was searching on 0:09:50.160 --> 0:09:52.410 the story and I thought this is a really thoughtful 0:09:52.410 --> 0:09:56.110 gift for some of my other friends. So I bought 0:09:56.120 --> 0:09:58.810 one for my partner and a bunch of other things 0:09:58.809 --> 0:10:00.660 for my other friends as well. Now 0:10:01.040 --> 0:10:04.599 I omitted the part with my with my partner that 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:06.929 I also bought things from my friends because I don't 0:10:06.929 --> 0:10:09.420 want that to diminish the thought that I put into 0:10:09.420 --> 0:10:10.490 her gift. I 0:10:10.490 --> 0:10:11.550 understand. Okay. 0:10:11.559 --> 0:10:13.360 Right. And that's just a very, I guess a very 0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:16.689 low level example, but that's where that's where I'm kind 0:10:16.690 --> 0:10:17.660 of toeing the line between 0:10:17.740 --> 0:10:21.530 secrecy and omitting, you know, downplaying things. 0:10:21.530 --> 0:10:23.870 Yes. Yes. Okay, well, I have something to add on 0:10:23.870 --> 0:10:24.360 to that. 0:10:24.540 --> 0:10:28.010 I think my situation that I encountered was a little 0:10:28.010 --> 0:10:31.240 bit more intense, like it resulted in a bit more 0:10:31.240 --> 0:10:33.360 conflicts than I had hoped for. 0:10:33.540 --> 0:10:36.160 So it's no secret to our audience that I do 0:10:36.160 --> 0:10:38.030 like to go out and party and I have been 0:10:38.030 --> 0:10:39.830 through that like, you know, in my younger days and 0:10:39.830 --> 0:10:41.500 sometimes like once in a while we still kind of 0:10:41.510 --> 0:10:43.480 do that, right? Even though it ends at 10, 13 0:10:43.480 --> 0:10:45.860 hours and you know, sometimes I find myself 0:10:46.340 --> 0:10:48.730 historically as well, not just, you know, in present day, 0:10:48.730 --> 0:10:52.460 but historically I tend to try and downplay like how 0:10:52.460 --> 0:10:53.559 much fun I'm having 0:10:54.240 --> 0:10:54.890 to your partner. 0:10:54.900 --> 0:10:55.840 Yes, it 0:10:55.850 --> 0:10:56.160 is. 0:10:56.450 --> 0:10:59.870 Okay. So my reason and this is this is confirm 0:10:59.870 --> 0:11:01.429 overshare right now at this point time, but 0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:02.510 overshare. Overthink 0:11:03.190 --> 0:11:06.860 overthink, oh my God, collaboration. So okay, I'm not sure 0:11:06.860 --> 0:11:08.760 if you're tuning in right now, if you feel me, 0:11:08.940 --> 0:11:10.850 but sometimes when you're having a lot of fun, like 0:11:10.850 --> 0:11:12.670 with your friends or like when your partner is not 0:11:12.670 --> 0:11:14.590 there and stuff, you kind of don't want your partner 0:11:14.590 --> 0:11:17.160 to feel like bad about it or left out or 0:11:17.240 --> 0:11:18.760 you don't want your partner to feel like, oh, she's 0:11:18.770 --> 0:11:22.000 out there messing around or doing something bad, right? So 0:11:22.000 --> 0:11:23.780 as a result, I tend to just be like, oh yeah, 0:11:23.780 --> 0:11:28.600 it was a chill night, but they were like, it 0:11:28.600 --> 0:11:31.410 was always chill, like, you know, we're just having dinner 0:11:31.410 --> 0:11:33.950 and drinks and like, you know what I mean? 0:11:34.140 --> 0:11:36.900 So yeah, that's that's what I'm guilty of, I'm like, 0:11:36.900 --> 0:11:38.160 openly admitting it right now, 0:11:38.340 --> 0:11:40.050 Yeah, you know what, you know, it's great that you're 0:11:40.050 --> 0:11:41.890 wearing this now, but like, okay, I'm just curious, right, 0:11:41.900 --> 0:11:45.429 is this is this approach that you have right coming 0:11:45.429 --> 0:11:48.300 from your own worry about how your partner will react. 0:11:48.300 --> 0:11:53.120 Exactly. So I'm, because I'm worried about a reaction, that's 0:11:53.120 --> 0:11:55.910 why I downplay it, right? And you know, we've addressed 0:11:55.910 --> 0:11:58.010 this in therapy a couple a couple of times as 0:11:58.010 --> 0:12:00.870 well and it's like just a vicious cycle, right? Because 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:02.760 we're constantly like, okay, why are you dumping it or 0:12:02.760 --> 0:12:05.679 because you know, every time historically when you say like, 0:12:05.690 --> 0:12:07.520 oh yeah, I'm having so much fun and you know, 0:12:07.520 --> 0:12:10.420 such a fun night, then my partner might get mad 0:12:10.420 --> 0:12:13.060 or angry then becomes like a vicious cycle. Then I 0:12:13.070 --> 0:12:14.820 decided that, you know what, next time I'll just like 0:12:14.830 --> 0:12:17.059 won't say that I'm having so much fun, you know, 0:12:17.140 --> 0:12:19.760 But I mean, truth be told, at least it was 0:12:19.760 --> 0:12:22.920 talked about and you know, it was addressed as well. 0:12:22.929 --> 0:12:25.550 And as a result, I think both of us have 0:12:25.559 --> 0:12:27.360 things to reflect on and look at, 0:12:27.540 --> 0:12:30.030 why is he giving me that certain reaction and why 0:12:30.030 --> 0:12:31.920 do I feel the need to continue doing that? You know? 0:12:31.920 --> 0:12:33.479 So we have to break that cycle somehow, 0:12:33.490 --> 0:12:35.550 definitely because I think that it is, it is a 0:12:35.550 --> 0:12:37.170 very toxic parenting kind of 0:12:37.170 --> 0:12:38.410 concerned if 0:12:38.410 --> 0:12:40.490 that is the situation and you always want to move 0:12:40.490 --> 0:12:43.530 away from that because especially if you're talking about romantic partner, right? 0:12:43.540 --> 0:12:45.970 Potentially this romantic partner is going to transform into the 0:12:45.970 --> 0:12:49.030 next status of lifetime. And this is not something that 0:12:49.030 --> 0:12:50.160 you can live with for 0:12:50.240 --> 0:12:52.630 you can live with it for maybe 5, 10 years. 0:12:52.640 --> 0:12:56.040 What about 2030 years. Right. And that's where that's where 0:12:56.040 --> 0:12:58.900 it gets really difficult. And I think in order to 0:12:58.910 --> 0:13:01.390 overcome that you need to, you need to find out 0:13:01.390 --> 0:13:04.130 the motivations for different behaviors. Like, like it could be, 0:13:04.140 --> 0:13:05.660 it could be on our part, right? It could be 0:13:05.660 --> 0:13:10.030 like for example, we've, we've always had experiences with partners 0:13:10.040 --> 0:13:12.960 that get mad when we have too much fun, right? 0:13:12.970 --> 0:13:17.060 Or it could be on their part, right? 0:13:17.340 --> 0:13:19.450 Every time we go out and have fun, they seem 0:13:19.450 --> 0:13:22.020 to react poorly. So this has to be something that 0:13:22.020 --> 0:13:24.439 has to be discussed. Like whether it's a reassurance thing, 0:13:24.450 --> 0:13:27.830 whether it's a jealousy thing or whether it's, they just 0:13:27.830 --> 0:13:30.459 have no one else and it's a co dependence thing, right? 0:13:30.470 --> 0:13:34.439 And these things will eventually boil down to individual facts 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:36.570 that you have to discuss whether they are deal breakers 0:13:36.570 --> 0:13:36.939 or not. 0:13:36.950 --> 0:13:39.990 And have you found yourself in a situation or relationship 0:13:39.990 --> 0:13:41.550 when you were dating someone that 0:13:41.740 --> 0:13:44.559 you started to compromise a lot on yourself and you 0:13:44.570 --> 0:13:47.760 realized that hey, I'm changing so much, but I'm changing 0:13:47.760 --> 0:13:49.670 for somebody not myself 0:13:49.679 --> 0:13:52.420 definitely. And I think this was something that was very 0:13:52.420 --> 0:13:53.650 symptomatic of my 0:13:54.040 --> 0:13:54.620 earlier 0:13:55.059 --> 0:13:55.650 when 0:13:55.650 --> 0:13:58.550 I was younger because I think right now just to 0:13:58.550 --> 0:14:01.360 accept the context, what would you say that you are romantic, 0:14:02.140 --> 0:14:04.099 hopeless romantic or bleeding heart? 0:14:04.110 --> 0:14:06.550 I don't think I'm a hopeless romantic, right? 0:14:06.640 --> 0:14:09.270 There are obviously ideals that each and every one of 0:14:09.270 --> 0:14:11.940 us has of what the perfect relationship is and that 0:14:11.940 --> 0:14:15.239 to me has changed drastically over the years. No more slow. 0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:18.750 More obviously. Yeah. Yeah. I think the half lit to 0:14:18.750 --> 0:14:21.530 me never really quite existed. Neither have I ever experienced it. 0:14:21.530 --> 0:14:24.950 But I've been lucky with a fair share of previous 0:14:24.950 --> 0:14:28.130 guys that I've dated who have romantic gestures. I've also 0:14:28.130 --> 0:14:28.450 had 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:32.260 experience with guys who are not romantic at all. But 0:14:32.270 --> 0:14:34.420 in their mind, they think that they are and this 0:14:34.420 --> 0:14:37.170 ties down to this ties down to something very cliche, 0:14:37.170 --> 0:14:39.230 which is like the love language is right? And I 0:14:39.230 --> 0:14:41.530 know that it's been said to death and studied to 0:14:41.530 --> 0:14:43.450 death and people will talk about the love languages and 0:14:43.450 --> 0:14:45.410 all and it's like blah like roll your eyes, right? 0:14:45.410 --> 0:14:49.230 But actually when you look at it from just a 0:14:49.240 --> 0:14:54.530 generic view, um what I find is love language could 0:14:54.530 --> 0:14:57.920 be different from what my partner finds, you know, intimate 0:14:57.920 --> 0:15:00.120 and finds romantic, right? And I think actually it's quite 0:15:00.120 --> 0:15:02.760 key to know about that. So for example, I mean 0:15:02.770 --> 0:15:05.550 if your love language is, I don't know gifting or 0:15:05.550 --> 0:15:06.100 time spent. 0:15:06.100 --> 0:15:08.530 My mind is touch and touch 0:15:08.530 --> 0:15:11.150 and quality time actually the same for me. So 0:15:11.340 --> 0:15:13.950 touch and quality time are important to me. So let's 0:15:13.950 --> 0:15:15.450 see if we are not the same though. Like let's 0:15:15.450 --> 0:15:19.380 say if my love language is gifting for example, or 0:15:19.390 --> 0:15:23.310 acts of service for example. And to me when I'm 0:15:23.310 --> 0:15:25.490 doing extra service towards you or giving you a gift 0:15:25.490 --> 0:15:27.590 that to me is showing you love. But you're like, 0:15:27.600 --> 0:15:29.060 what is this? Like? This is not 0:15:29.140 --> 0:15:31.190 this is not showing love to me. It's true to me. 0:15:31.190 --> 0:15:33.300 I just want time spent. That's it. And that's where 0:15:33.300 --> 0:15:34.150 like it's sort of 0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:37.760 um stalls a little or their disagreements and people feel like, oh, 0:15:37.760 --> 0:15:39.440 you're not showing me enough love. But I am in 0:15:39.440 --> 0:15:40.970 my own way, right? 0:15:40.980 --> 0:15:43.660 But at the same time, I think in that in 0:15:43.660 --> 0:15:45.760 that kind of context, when it comes to love languages, right? 0:15:45.840 --> 0:15:48.140 Telling your partner how you want to be loved. This 0:15:48.140 --> 0:15:48.800 is so important. 0:15:48.810 --> 0:15:52.500 Yes. Which ties back to communications. You are slowly figuring 0:15:52.510 --> 0:15:56.040 it's true because like, like, like your your partner cannot 0:15:56.040 --> 0:15:58.400 read your mind right? And like as much as we 0:15:58.400 --> 0:15:59.640 would love to have that, right? We're 0:15:59.690 --> 0:16:00.990 also ideal. Yeah. 0:16:01.000 --> 0:16:02.550 Like can you imagine you get together with someone and 0:16:02.550 --> 0:16:04.479 suddenly we all gain mind reading powers. We would love 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:04.650 that 0:16:04.650 --> 0:16:07.830 selective breeding cannot not all not all the time again. 0:16:07.830 --> 0:16:08.350 Like like 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:09.330 reading reading 0:16:09.680 --> 0:16:10.210 Exactly. 0:16:10.310 --> 0:16:13.290 But as a result, right? I think a lot of 0:16:13.290 --> 0:16:15.210 things that, especially in our society, I would say in 0:16:15.210 --> 0:16:19.230 Singapore in Singapore. We live in a more conservative society 0:16:19.240 --> 0:16:20.600 as much as we would like to think we're more 0:16:20.600 --> 0:16:21.920 liberal these days, but we still have a lot of 0:16:21.920 --> 0:16:22.950 conservative values. 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:26.400 It almost feels like it's not right for us to 0:16:26.410 --> 0:16:29.489 share our demands and our needs to tell people that 0:16:29.490 --> 0:16:31.460 we care about what we want. In fact, we find 0:16:31.460 --> 0:16:34.460 it easier sometimes to tell our friends who were not 0:16:34.460 --> 0:16:37.760 romantically involved with what we want and what we're lacking. 0:16:37.770 --> 0:16:40.470 Which is very strange because ideally you want to tell 0:16:40.470 --> 0:16:42.470 the person that you're closest to what you want 0:16:42.540 --> 0:16:43.860 because they are the ones that are 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:46.920 supposed to be there to try to provide what you need. 0:16:46.930 --> 0:16:50.360 But we have this barrier to overcome. Because I think 0:16:50.370 --> 0:16:53.320 the way we were brought up was that our parents said, 0:16:53.320 --> 0:16:53.960 what is what 0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:56.840 whether sometimes what we ask from our parents, we may 0:16:56.840 --> 0:16:58.970 not be able to necessarily get. And as a result 0:16:58.970 --> 0:17:01.620 we become very guarded about the very things that they 0:17:01.630 --> 0:17:04.850 run deepest with us, right? And I think with your partner, 0:17:04.859 --> 0:17:07.780 this is where they're being an open book becomes very important. 0:17:07.790 --> 0:17:11.320 Being able to tell them what you want and tell 0:17:11.320 --> 0:17:14.440 them what you need. Not the I want to eat sushi, 0:17:14.450 --> 0:17:18.360 not that level, but the more like I appreciate your gifts. 0:17:18.369 --> 0:17:21.180 But I prefer if you color me more right? This 0:17:21.180 --> 0:17:23.280 is something that is very difficult to come from the 0:17:23.280 --> 0:17:24.030 mouth of singaporeans 0:17:24.040 --> 0:17:27.840 because I feel like you grew up in a environment. 0:17:27.840 --> 0:17:29.470 I don't know, it's an asian thing, but I think 0:17:29.470 --> 0:17:31.560 it's the right like a lot of my friends, you know, 0:17:31.560 --> 0:17:34.050 sometimes tell me because I'm very close to my family 0:17:34.050 --> 0:17:34.669 and 0:17:34.740 --> 0:17:36.820 you know, some some of my friends tell me, you know, 0:17:36.830 --> 0:17:39.060 I don't know how you talk about everything to your 0:17:39.060 --> 0:17:41.320 parents or like how do you guys like hug each 0:17:41.320 --> 0:17:43.660 other when you leave? A lot of people don't have that, 0:17:43.660 --> 0:17:43.960 you know 0:17:43.970 --> 0:17:47.200 That's right. I personally believe that like if your parents 0:17:47.210 --> 0:17:49.950 allow you to be yourself, 0:17:50.940 --> 0:17:53.690 your parents allow you to be yourself, right? You will 0:17:53.690 --> 0:17:57.359 grow up allowing yourself to be yourself because if you 0:17:57.359 --> 0:17:59.669 grew up in environment, we are not allowed to be yourself. 0:18:00.340 --> 0:18:02.470 You will grow up thinking that you're not allowed to 0:18:02.470 --> 0:18:03.080 be yourself 0:18:03.090 --> 0:18:05.520 or you have to have some sort of marks. Exactly. 0:18:05.530 --> 0:18:06.410 You 0:18:06.410 --> 0:18:08.000 have to be a certain way. If not people don't 0:18:08.000 --> 0:18:11.700 like you don't love you, which is a very inner child. 0:18:11.700 --> 0:18:14.140 Never go away kind of thing a lot of times 0:18:14.140 --> 0:18:16.440 why like if you really really, really boil it down, 0:18:16.440 --> 0:18:18.710 Like why are we not comfortable telling our partners about 0:18:18.710 --> 0:18:20.980 certain things because we're worried that if we tell them 0:18:20.980 --> 0:18:21.960 they don't love us anymore. 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:25.280 Oh man, that's that runs deep you guys. It does, 0:18:25.280 --> 0:18:27.320 it's a very visceral thing and like we we can't 0:18:27.320 --> 0:18:30.960 we can't change that unless we acknowledge that. Yeah, right? 0:18:30.970 --> 0:18:33.879 Like we acknowledge the why we're not telling our partners, 0:18:33.890 --> 0:18:36.350 like for example, we talk about the context of partying, 0:18:36.359 --> 0:18:38.459 why why are we telling our partners? Could it be 0:18:38.460 --> 0:18:40.760 because we're already they're jealous or is it because we've 0:18:40.760 --> 0:18:43.159 had someone snapped at us about it before or is 0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:45.300 it we feel guilty because we know that we're overstepping 0:18:45.300 --> 0:18:47.889 certain boundaries. These are things that we have to acknowledge 0:18:47.900 --> 0:18:50.980 and then eventually tell our partner not only for us 0:18:50.980 --> 0:18:53.690 to allow ourselves to be ourselves but to reassure them 0:18:53.700 --> 0:18:56.830 that this no matter what we do, this relationship is 0:18:56.830 --> 0:19:00.040 still in the hierarchy of things higher than whatever. 0:19:00.070 --> 0:19:03.080 Yeah. So essentially it's all about reassuring your partner in 0:19:03.080 --> 0:19:05.030 that sense, right? Because I think a lot of us 0:19:05.030 --> 0:19:07.550 get caught up in the whole like downplaying your situation 0:19:07.550 --> 0:19:09.359 kind of thing and we've all been guilty of doing 0:19:09.359 --> 0:19:12.300 that before. But you know when when it comes down 0:19:12.300 --> 0:19:15.110 to something as simple as a reassuring sentence or word 0:19:15.109 --> 0:19:16.550 or text or phone call 0:19:16.940 --> 0:19:19.290 when you look at it. You know in hindsight you're 0:19:19.290 --> 0:19:22.390 like oh actually a simple thing could have stopped everything 0:19:22.390 --> 0:19:24.930 from happening but when you're in the situation is very 0:19:24.930 --> 0:19:25.879 hard for you to see 0:19:25.880 --> 0:19:27.960 its true and like like you know coming back to 0:19:27.970 --> 0:19:30.380 different people wanting to be treated different way right? Like 0:19:30.380 --> 0:19:32.580 for example my co host Lester one of the strategy 0:19:32.580 --> 0:19:34.990 that he does when he goes out with his girlfriend 0:19:34.990 --> 0:19:38.660 at least right? So for only those like more hang 0:19:38.660 --> 0:19:41.060 out until late never talked to a girlfriend nights, he 0:19:41.060 --> 0:19:42.770 will change the wallpaper 0:19:42.840 --> 0:19:45.880 to the two of them and that is enough because 0:19:45.880 --> 0:19:47.520 they discussed it and then she said like you know 0:19:47.520 --> 0:19:48.530 for those, let's do that. 0:19:48.540 --> 0:19:50.000 She feels more reassured. 0:19:50.010 --> 0:19:55.389 Yes. And for her because he's actually much, much more overthink. Okay. Right. 0:19:55.400 --> 0:19:56.550 She will do the same. 0:19:56.640 --> 0:20:01.480 So that's interesting. That is sort of like the bridge right? 0:20:01.480 --> 0:20:04.030 Whereby we won't be too intrusive so much so that 0:20:04.030 --> 0:20:04.859 you cannot have your fun. 0:20:04.940 --> 0:20:07.250 Can you imagine if let's say as a partner, you 0:20:07.250 --> 0:20:08.780 say that like I want to go and party but 0:20:08.780 --> 0:20:10.390 every 15 minutes I want you to text me 0:20:10.400 --> 0:20:12.200 right? That's going to be tough. That's 0:20:12.200 --> 0:20:13.430 Tough. Especially for two 0:20:13.430 --> 0:20:17.400 hours maybe forget where your phone is. Exactly, yeah. You 0:20:17.400 --> 0:20:17.909 become less and 0:20:17.910 --> 0:20:19.060 less lucid, right? And then it's 0:20:19.060 --> 0:20:21.650 Only 15 minutes. Suddenly you cannot count. Time 0:20:21.660 --> 0:20:24.200 Suddenly becomes four. Am I mean seriously? Exactly? 0:20:24.200 --> 0:20:26.400 Right? So like sometimes it's like the little things where 0:20:26.400 --> 0:20:29.060 you kind of meet in the middle and just having 0:20:29.060 --> 0:20:29.960 these things, 0:20:30.040 --> 0:20:32.300 it's enough to put your partner's mind at ease. 0:20:32.310 --> 0:20:35.390 It comes down to simple gestures sometimes that could work. 0:20:35.400 --> 0:20:37.720 So I'm going to read out a list of things 0:20:37.720 --> 0:20:40.680 from a relationship coach. Okay. You tell me what are 0:20:40.680 --> 0:20:42.540 some things that you would share and what you wouldn't 0:20:42.550 --> 0:20:45.560 with your partner. So you would share about your physical 0:20:45.560 --> 0:20:46.260 and mental health 0:20:46.260 --> 0:20:47.460 issues of course. 0:20:47.470 --> 0:20:48.160 Okay. Okay. 0:20:48.340 --> 0:20:50.199 How about your financial situation, 0:20:50.470 --> 0:20:50.950 how much 0:20:50.950 --> 0:20:52.480 you earn and all that. I think 0:20:52.490 --> 0:20:55.070 I think financial situation we have to we have a 0:20:55.070 --> 0:20:55.690 segment that. 0:20:55.700 --> 0:20:56.770 Okay. Yes, yes. In 0:20:56.770 --> 0:20:57.770 terms of like being in 0:20:57.770 --> 0:21:00.649 debt is different from how much I earn every month. 0:21:00.660 --> 0:21:00.940 So 0:21:00.940 --> 0:21:04.120 how much I learned, I think is reserved for a 0:21:04.130 --> 0:21:04.840 spouse level. 0:21:04.850 --> 0:21:05.260 Like 0:21:05.340 --> 0:21:06.090 I'm going to get married. 0:21:06.240 --> 0:21:07.050 You must sign a different 0:21:07.050 --> 0:21:08.040 subscription. Yes. 0:21:08.050 --> 0:21:09.159 Latino member. Okay. 0:21:09.170 --> 0:21:10.130 Okay. 0:21:10.140 --> 0:21:12.450 But other than that, in terms of the financial situation, 0:21:12.450 --> 0:21:15.379 in terms of, are you in debt? Right. Are you 0:21:15.390 --> 0:21:19.260 currently unemployed? Right. Right. Were you fired? 0:21:19.740 --> 0:21:21.810 Oh my gosh, I never asked these things, you know 0:21:21.820 --> 0:21:22.760 anyone I was dating 0:21:22.760 --> 0:21:24.600 but before you get together, I think these are things 0:21:24.609 --> 0:21:29.590 important to find out. Like is there any major financial 0:21:29.590 --> 0:21:30.360 situation that you're 0:21:30.640 --> 0:21:32.969 part of? I think this is even more relevant as 0:21:32.970 --> 0:21:34.020 we grow a little bit older. 0:21:34.030 --> 0:21:36.629 I realized I, I really would just dive in hard 0:21:36.630 --> 0:21:39.040 first last time. Actually, no, this is a very good 0:21:39.040 --> 0:21:43.040 point because I never asked them about their financial, it 0:21:43.040 --> 0:21:46.100 could be something serious. Like for example, I mean by serious, 0:21:46.100 --> 0:21:47.950 I don't want to give it a negative connotation. 0:21:48.040 --> 0:21:52.830 It could be, they are supporting their family member who 0:21:52.830 --> 0:21:54.430 has a chronic disease. 0:21:54.440 --> 0:21:55.419 Okay. And 0:21:55.420 --> 0:21:59.449 that is a financial situation that is, that takes away 0:21:59.450 --> 0:22:03.609 certain things off the table for leisure. Okay, right. And 0:22:03.609 --> 0:22:06.820 that's where, that's where these kind of communications ideally you 0:22:06.820 --> 0:22:08.270 want to go into it before you go into the 0:22:08.270 --> 0:22:08.859 relationship 0:22:08.940 --> 0:22:11.359 and these are things that are not difficult to be 0:22:11.359 --> 0:22:13.810 honest about. You know, there's nothing to be ashamed about 0:22:13.810 --> 0:22:17.760 if you're supporting about a family member, right? Or like, 0:22:17.760 --> 0:22:19.500 I mean if you think about it, we draw it 0:22:19.500 --> 0:22:21.960 back to another picture. Another example that's easier to relate 0:22:21.970 --> 0:22:24.889 to what you want to know if your potential partner 0:22:24.900 --> 0:22:26.060 is a single parent. 0:22:26.240 --> 0:22:27.310 Yes, of course. 0:22:27.320 --> 0:22:30.530 So and we just continue this train of thought, wouldn't 0:22:30.530 --> 0:22:34.270 you like to know if your single parent, potential partner 0:22:34.280 --> 0:22:38.670 is supporting, supporting the child full time or with the 0:22:38.670 --> 0:22:38.900 ex 0:22:38.900 --> 0:22:40.160 partner And 0:22:40.160 --> 0:22:42.500 as a result that starts to starts to encourage into 0:22:42.500 --> 0:22:45.830 the realm of financials, right? And you talk about whether 0:22:45.830 --> 0:22:48.860 this person is supporting their child full time on an 0:22:48.859 --> 0:22:49.550 income 0:22:49.640 --> 0:22:52.840 or are they just based off of savings? Right? It 0:22:52.840 --> 0:22:55.390 becomes you suddenly realized that hey, these are important things 0:22:55.390 --> 0:22:57.609 to know before even boyfriend girlfriend with someone 0:22:57.619 --> 0:23:02.630 for sure, but that's not first date conversation definitely. I 0:23:02.640 --> 0:23:05.879 think after that we raised too much of this stuff 0:23:05.880 --> 0:23:07.060 on the first date, like 0:23:07.140 --> 0:23:09.860 maybe there won't be a second date after getting too 0:23:09.859 --> 0:23:13.690 serious already. Okay, Okay, the next one is your family 0:23:13.690 --> 0:23:17.020 issues and upbringing. Would you immediately share that with your 0:23:17.030 --> 0:23:17.850 partner or 0:23:18.040 --> 0:23:20.660 do you hold back certain things first 0:23:20.660 --> 0:23:21.740 did. Probably not 0:23:21.750 --> 0:23:22.889 not. Probably not. But 0:23:22.900 --> 0:23:24.649 unless in the joke context like, oh I have a 0:23:24.650 --> 0:23:27.649 tiger mom for example, but I would guess for legitimate 0:23:27.650 --> 0:23:31.290 problems that are, that will haunt you right? Probably not. 0:23:31.290 --> 0:23:31.690 First date. 0:23:31.700 --> 0:23:32.530 Yeah, 0:23:32.540 --> 0:23:34.389 but probably reserved for the once again 0:23:34.400 --> 0:23:36.060 conversations come 0:23:36.060 --> 0:23:38.290 after before get together on stage. 0:23:38.300 --> 0:23:38.859 Okay. 0:23:38.940 --> 0:23:42.350 How about your grief or other traumatic life events in 0:23:42.350 --> 0:23:44.810 your past relationships or in your childhood that might still 0:23:44.810 --> 0:23:48.150 affect you to this day, which kind of like also 0:23:48.150 --> 0:23:50.310 goes into the realm of you know, a bit about 0:23:50.310 --> 0:23:53.360 your ex relationships or maybe things that still you know 0:23:53.359 --> 0:23:55.550 bother you from time to time. I mean this is 0:23:55.550 --> 0:23:57.810 a very um surface kind of 0:23:57.820 --> 0:23:58.270 examples 0:23:58.359 --> 0:24:02.180 but I actually dated a guy with the exact same 0:24:02.180 --> 0:24:04.800 name and surname as my current boyfriend. 0:24:04.810 --> 0:24:07.490 That's that's kind of what is the name you get 0:24:07.500 --> 0:24:08.430 like john lim? 0:24:08.440 --> 0:24:11.550 No, because I mean that could be like that. 0:24:11.740 --> 0:24:13.780 Exactly. Right. If you're telling me that I have to 0:24:13.790 --> 0:24:15.609 tell you the idea, li Yeah. 0:24:15.660 --> 0:24:16.879 Right. Right. Right. 0:24:16.890 --> 0:24:18.850 This this that that I 0:24:18.859 --> 0:24:23.940 mean his surname is actually not the most common sung. 0:24:23.950 --> 0:24:25.080 It's sng 0:24:25.090 --> 0:24:26.120 that is quite interesting 0:24:26.119 --> 0:24:30.270 but it's not like Tan or right. 0:24:30.540 --> 0:24:34.660 Um so I withheld that information for quite a few dates. Actually. 0:24:34.670 --> 0:24:37.780 Didn't want to scare him off, but I didn't want 0:24:37.780 --> 0:24:39.540 him to think like I'm dating you because you have 0:24:39.540 --> 0:24:42.730 the same name as my ex who happened to be 0:24:42.730 --> 0:24:45.980 like my longest X ever. Right? And you will never 0:24:45.980 --> 0:24:48.250 guess this, they are related. 0:24:48.260 --> 0:24:51.110 No way. You know, we need a reality tv show 0:24:51.109 --> 0:24:51.690 on this like 0:24:51.700 --> 0:24:53.670 yeah, I really hope 0:24:53.740 --> 0:24:55.050 that my ex is not watching this right now but 0:24:55.050 --> 0:24:58.140 I'm pretty sure he knows that his Children relative. But 0:24:58.140 --> 0:25:00.480 I didn't, I did not know I had no, 0:25:00.480 --> 0:25:03.460 there is a wild chance that if chinese New Year 0:25:03.460 --> 0:25:04.510 one of these days. 0:25:04.520 --> 0:25:07.070 I know so we haven't gotten to. I know, I 0:25:07.070 --> 0:25:08.420 know that was the first thing that I thought about 0:25:08.420 --> 0:25:08.770 okay 0:25:09.040 --> 0:25:11.350 but because they are distantly really? I think there was 0:25:11.350 --> 0:25:13.980 some like family thing, I'm not quite sure what happened 0:25:13.980 --> 0:25:14.770 there but 0:25:14.940 --> 0:25:18.550 my excess family doesn't really get together with the extended family. 0:25:18.550 --> 0:25:20.800 So that's why I never met my current boyfriend in 0:25:20.800 --> 0:25:24.419 any social situations in the past. I might have actually 0:25:24.420 --> 0:25:25.520 met my current 0:25:25.530 --> 0:25:26.830 boyfriend. Oh my goodness. 0:25:26.840 --> 0:25:28.169 Which would be really weird. 0:25:28.180 --> 0:25:29.280 That would've been really awkward. 0:25:29.290 --> 0:25:32.320 Yeah, so the thing is I withheld this information for 0:25:32.330 --> 0:25:34.270 quite a few days because we like having so much 0:25:34.270 --> 0:25:35.550 fun right? And 0:25:35.640 --> 0:25:37.240 you know I I told my friends, oh my God 0:25:37.240 --> 0:25:39.920 that the funniest thing happened, I'm dating this guy who 0:25:39.920 --> 0:25:43.270 has the exact same name and surname as my ex. 0:25:43.280 --> 0:25:45.359 They're like no way get out of here. 0:25:45.740 --> 0:25:49.129 He was the one that found out first actually. So 0:25:49.140 --> 0:25:51.619 I didn't say anything because it would scare him off 0:25:51.630 --> 0:25:55.470 but he realized that I was friends with his cousin, 0:25:55.480 --> 0:25:58.150 another girl on facebook and he was like hey how 0:25:58.150 --> 0:25:59.270 do you know this this girl. 0:25:59.640 --> 0:26:01.939 So then I went oh like you know this girl, 0:26:01.950 --> 0:26:05.899 she's actually like my ex's sister and then he went 0:26:05.910 --> 0:26:07.400 silent for 0:26:07.440 --> 0:26:08.620 no way 0:26:08.630 --> 0:26:10.840 silent because I didn't know that they were related at 0:26:10.840 --> 0:26:11.270 the time. 0:26:11.840 --> 0:26:13.359 He went silent. He was like, 0:26:13.740 --> 0:26:14.400 you're joking, 0:26:14.400 --> 0:26:15.650 That's wild. 0:26:15.660 --> 0:26:16.170 He was like, 0:26:16.540 --> 0:26:20.460 that means like you did it, my cousin. That's wild. 0:26:20.470 --> 0:26:23.550 That's wild. It was the craziest thing. 0:26:23.560 --> 0:26:26.310 That's coming back to what you were asking earlier about 0:26:26.320 --> 0:26:29.040 about first date, right? I think it's fine bringing these 0:26:29.040 --> 0:26:31.750 kind of things up about your past relationships, but maybe 0:26:31.750 --> 0:26:34.070 that's a deep dive into it to find out a 0:26:34.070 --> 0:26:36.160 little bit more about what happened the circumstances, right? 0:26:36.340 --> 0:26:37.630 Might not be first date. 0:26:37.640 --> 0:26:38.820 Yeah. Yeah, of course, it 0:26:38.820 --> 0:26:40.660 might be first date relationship. Like, oh no, 0:26:40.740 --> 0:26:43.010 when was the last time you were 0:26:43.010 --> 0:26:45.750 you? Or when did you break up with your partner? 0:26:45.760 --> 0:26:46.490 I think that's that's 0:26:46.490 --> 0:26:48.420 that's information. That's fine. For a first date. 0:26:48.430 --> 0:26:52.410 What if your date asks you or your partner asks you? 0:26:52.410 --> 0:26:54.439 I'm not sure if you've gotten into this conversation yet, 0:26:54.450 --> 0:26:56.550 how many people you've had sex with? 0:26:56.640 --> 0:26:57.810 Ah So this 0:26:57.810 --> 0:26:59.120 is, yes. 0:26:59.119 --> 0:27:00.960 And in fact, this is something that 0:27:01.440 --> 0:27:06.740 ironically enough, I go into this conversation very early. Yeah, 0:27:06.750 --> 0:27:10.260 because I think this is a good indicator of 0:27:10.640 --> 0:27:14.170 ah their comfort level. So, I think this, this comfort 0:27:14.170 --> 0:27:17.980 level is important because in any relationship, especially for me, 0:27:17.980 --> 0:27:20.820 I can't speak for everyone else, but for me, a 0:27:20.830 --> 0:27:23.080 sexual relationship is very important for 0:27:23.080 --> 0:27:24.199 me. Okay. So 0:27:24.200 --> 0:27:27.050 I would like to think that I would not date 0:27:27.050 --> 0:27:30.030 someone who wants to abstain your marriage for example, 0:27:30.040 --> 0:27:33.240 wow, Like, okay, have you ever been in that situation? 0:27:33.440 --> 0:27:36.460 Not because I've always been quite upfront about this and 0:27:36.470 --> 0:27:39.480 asking about that question about how many sexual partners they've 0:27:39.480 --> 0:27:42.000 had is a very good indicator about how open they 0:27:42.000 --> 0:27:43.119 are about sex, 0:27:43.130 --> 0:27:46.110 because it may not be the same as the amount 0:27:46.109 --> 0:27:49.460 of people they've dated. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah. 0:27:49.470 --> 0:27:50.159 Why would you want to 0:27:50.160 --> 0:27:52.950 know both? You would want to know both? Okay, ideally, right. 0:27:52.960 --> 0:27:55.399 And as a result, you would know how comfortable they 0:27:55.400 --> 0:27:57.030 are talking about sex, which is very important to me 0:27:57.030 --> 0:27:59.450 talking about sex and having an intimate 0:27:59.540 --> 0:28:03.790 sexual relationship. So as an as as an opener in 0:28:03.790 --> 0:28:05.530 that sense, in the first few days, if you're able 0:28:05.530 --> 0:28:08.690 to discuss this, it's very easy to then discuss the 0:28:08.700 --> 0:28:10.910 more intricate parts of sex. 0:28:10.920 --> 0:28:11.770 But 0:28:12.240 --> 0:28:14.770 I feel like for for some of us, especially for 0:28:14.770 --> 0:28:17.010 for girls and for women, right? Like, I'm not sure 0:28:17.010 --> 0:28:20.570 whether sometimes we feel a bit hesitant in saying too much. 0:28:20.580 --> 0:28:20.870 I mean, 0:28:20.880 --> 0:28:22.379 is it because of the stigma? 0:28:22.390 --> 0:28:25.660 Like, in a way, because, you know, as a guy, right? 0:28:25.670 --> 0:28:27.810 I'm sure like sometimes I'm not sure whether this is 0:28:27.810 --> 0:28:29.640 a stereotype as well, but I'm not sure that your 0:28:29.640 --> 0:28:30.660 bro setting or like, 0:28:30.840 --> 0:28:33.860 yeah, you know, like, you know, I did this girl, like, 0:28:33.869 --> 0:28:36.460 I don't know how you guys talk it, that's really 0:28:36.460 --> 0:28:37.250 not 100 0:28:37.250 --> 0:28:38.720 percent guys. Yeah, Yeah, bro, you 0:28:38.720 --> 0:28:43.060 know that girl man, she was born, I don't know 0:28:43.060 --> 0:28:46.320 how you guys communicated, but watch 0:28:46.320 --> 0:28:47.040 too many movies, 0:28:47.280 --> 0:28:49.100 maybe it's like a total stereotype, 0:28:49.110 --> 0:28:52.130 but like I think I'm quite, I'm quite fortunate because 0:28:52.130 --> 0:28:54.360 in my circle of circle of bros, we do not, 0:28:54.440 --> 0:28:55.979 we do not talk like we do not have that 0:28:55.980 --> 0:28:57.260 kind of conversations 0:28:57.340 --> 0:28:57.990 so thankfully, 0:28:57.990 --> 0:29:00.400 thankfully. But it's not it's not it's not it's not 0:29:00.400 --> 0:29:01.630 a long shot to say that there are people who 0:29:01.630 --> 0:29:02.160 are like that, right? 0:29:02.160 --> 0:29:03.620 Exactly, 100%. 0:29:03.630 --> 0:29:05.440 I do know people who are like, thankfully they're not 0:29:05.450 --> 0:29:08.210 in my close circle. So I would say that that 0:29:08.210 --> 0:29:10.770 that definitely stigmatizes certain behaviors, right? 0:29:10.770 --> 0:29:15.840 And it also normalizes, you know, men sleeping around and 0:29:15.850 --> 0:29:17.950 being more okay with it than versus 0:29:18.140 --> 0:29:21.160 if a girl says that immediately were like slut shamed 0:29:21.170 --> 0:29:23.209 or like called names, you know what I mean? 0:29:23.220 --> 0:29:23.840 That's that's 0:29:24.080 --> 0:29:25.270 dry. And then they're like, 0:29:25.340 --> 0:29:28.850 yeah, man, that was awesome. I don't know, like nailed it. 0:29:28.860 --> 0:29:31.660 That's a little tricky. But I think that the way 0:29:31.660 --> 0:29:33.260 to to sort of like 0:29:34.190 --> 0:29:36.190 in a very before before we got to talk about 0:29:36.190 --> 0:29:38.600 avoiding it in a very roundabout way. In a very 0:29:38.600 --> 0:29:43.410 ironic serendipitous way we're living ironic serendipitous way, that is 0:29:43.410 --> 0:29:47.680 actually a great indicator of whether this potential partner is 0:29:47.690 --> 0:29:51.900 toxic in the abuse or not, right? Because if men 0:29:51.900 --> 0:29:53.260 are allowed to sleep around, 0:29:53.340 --> 0:29:55.460 like why street women because 0:29:55.940 --> 0:29:59.250 it's an equal world, right? And if your potential partner 0:29:59.250 --> 0:30:02.090 is talking like that about how, oh no, they're they're 0:30:02.090 --> 0:30:04.590 not a virgin anymore, but what about myself? I'm not 0:30:04.590 --> 0:30:06.040 a virgin too, but it doesn't matter because I'm going 0:30:06.040 --> 0:30:06.120 to 0:30:06.140 --> 0:30:07.330 double standard love it. 0:30:07.380 --> 0:30:08.570 It's great filter. 0:30:08.580 --> 0:30:09.250 You know, these kind of 0:30:09.260 --> 0:30:10.640 people just stay friends 0:30:10.670 --> 0:30:12.710 by maybe not even invite 0:30:12.710 --> 0:30:14.660 them to play mah jong take their money that you 0:30:14.670 --> 0:30:16.520 don't need to don't need to hold your hand. 0:30:16.530 --> 0:30:17.880 I get it. 0:30:17.890 --> 0:30:20.420 But you know, that that's a serendipitous part about it, 0:30:20.420 --> 0:30:22.850 but like, as a result, you know, this is why 0:30:22.850 --> 0:30:25.780 bringing up these kind of things in the very early stages. 0:30:25.780 --> 0:30:28.100 Very good to suss out these kind of people because 0:30:28.110 --> 0:30:30.830 you talk about talk about this kind of broad you 0:30:30.830 --> 0:30:32.950 to slut, shame goes right. On the flip side, there 0:30:32.950 --> 0:30:34.450 are women who come in with these kind of narratives 0:30:34.450 --> 0:30:37.130 as well, whereby they're like, what you talking about sex 0:30:37.140 --> 0:30:39.750 or like, why didn't you save till marriage slut shaming 0:30:39.750 --> 0:30:41.620 can go both ways. It's just that it's a lot 0:30:41.620 --> 0:30:44.620 more loud and prevalent when it comes to being applied 0:30:44.620 --> 0:30:45.050 to women. 0:30:45.060 --> 0:30:47.320 Yeah, there's a little bit more of a stigma when 0:30:47.320 --> 0:30:47.910 it comes to them 0:30:48.000 --> 0:30:51.160 and nobody likes being slut shamed or ashamed for anything 0:30:51.160 --> 0:30:51.950 they've done because 0:30:52.040 --> 0:30:54.390 not only is that something that is in the past 0:30:54.390 --> 0:30:56.740 you can't change ideally if I don't judge you for 0:30:56.740 --> 0:30:59.180 your past, you shouldn't judge me for mine, right? 0:30:59.190 --> 0:31:00.450 It's A two Way Street, basically. 0:31:00.450 --> 0:31:03.800 Exactly. So this this in that sense because of bringing 0:31:03.800 --> 0:31:06.050 it up very early in the conversation in the relationship, 0:31:06.140 --> 0:31:09.310 it's a great filter. You just be like this like this, 0:31:09.310 --> 0:31:11.460 this is so and so it's not for me, right? 0:31:11.460 --> 0:31:14.540 The views are too radical from mine as much as 0:31:14.540 --> 0:31:17.090 I would love for you to be in my life. 0:31:17.100 --> 0:31:18.790 But clearly there are some aspects of you that I 0:31:18.790 --> 0:31:19.670 can't accept. 0:31:20.440 --> 0:31:21.080 Goodbye. 0:31:21.090 --> 0:31:24.690 Yeah. Okay, okay, so john we have a question from 0:31:24.690 --> 0:31:26.950 a viewer which is hypothetical, right, okay, 0:31:27.340 --> 0:31:29.340 would you be open to your partner if you were 0:31:29.340 --> 0:31:32.180 ever involved with a sex worker or if you were 0:31:32.180 --> 0:31:33.070 a sugar baby, 0:31:33.080 --> 0:31:36.550 right? I think this one will answer this myself. 0:31:36.550 --> 0:31:39.190 Sugar baby vibes. I don't know. I mean no need 0:31:39.190 --> 0:31:41.350 to answer. Okay, 0:31:41.440 --> 0:31:44.380 No, but like, just the thing personally, I I am 0:31:44.380 --> 0:31:46.850 very okay with sharing about things in my past because 0:31:46.850 --> 0:31:49.170 like my my thing on it has been, 0:31:49.240 --> 0:31:52.080 it's very simple, right? I don't judge you about your 0:31:52.080 --> 0:31:54.430 past and I hope that you won't judge me about mine, 0:31:54.440 --> 0:31:56.480 but in order to find out whether you would, I 0:31:56.480 --> 0:31:58.979 would be up front about mine. So, if I had 0:31:58.990 --> 0:32:01.930 engaged in a situation where but I paid for, I 0:32:01.940 --> 0:32:04.730 paid for sex, right, I would be very open with 0:32:04.730 --> 0:32:07.959 it because probably the person that paid for sex is 0:32:07.960 --> 0:32:09.810 a very different person from the person that's in front 0:32:09.810 --> 0:32:10.860 of you right now, 0:32:10.940 --> 0:32:13.420 right? And I'll be right upfront with that and whether 0:32:13.420 --> 0:32:15.490 I've been a sugar baby before, which is once again right, 0:32:15.490 --> 0:32:17.550 getting paid for sex, but this time I'm the one 0:32:17.550 --> 0:32:18.950 getting paid right, 0:32:19.340 --> 0:32:20.350 which is exciting, 0:32:20.360 --> 0:32:23.080 still looking right 0:32:23.110 --> 0:32:26.510 in my recovery instead of like, basically, but you get 0:32:26.510 --> 0:32:28.230 what I mean, right? So like, I mean I'm okay 0:32:28.230 --> 0:32:30.280 with being open with that and like I said, that 0:32:30.280 --> 0:32:32.810 would be a very good filter for me about the 0:32:32.810 --> 0:32:36.210 potential partner because if I do engage in those activities, 0:32:36.220 --> 0:32:38.560 I want my partner to be open minded enough 0:32:38.740 --> 0:32:39.760 to accept that 0:32:39.940 --> 0:32:42.800 ah I've done those things before, doesn't mean that I 0:32:42.800 --> 0:32:44.320 am now still. 0:32:44.420 --> 0:32:46.230 Yeah, exactly. 0:32:46.240 --> 0:32:47.380 Yeah. I mean, there could 0:32:47.380 --> 0:32:50.960 be a multitude of reasons why that might have happened. 0:32:50.960 --> 0:32:53.500 I know I've read some stories online about people wanting 0:32:53.500 --> 0:32:55.880 to pay off their student loans or I don't know, 0:32:55.880 --> 0:32:58.940 payoff something in that phase of life when you're struggling 0:32:58.940 --> 0:32:59.460 and then 0:32:59.640 --> 0:33:02.960 you might have to resort certain things or opt for 0:33:02.960 --> 0:33:05.360 certain things and I don't want to, you don't want 0:33:05.360 --> 0:33:05.720 to judge 0:33:05.720 --> 0:33:07.910 people, you know, and that being said, I don't want to, 0:33:07.920 --> 0:33:09.989 I don't want to say that it's wrong that you 0:33:09.990 --> 0:33:12.040 don't want that. You cannot accept someone who has a 0:33:12.040 --> 0:33:14.670 certain passed, which it's perfectly fine. In fact, if 0:33:14.740 --> 0:33:17.000 there is a deal breaker for you then, so be 0:33:17.000 --> 0:33:19.560 it you guys will not work out, but why I'm 0:33:19.560 --> 0:33:21.560 even bringing it up is because you need to be 0:33:21.560 --> 0:33:23.680 able to bring this up to determine whether this partner 0:33:23.680 --> 0:33:27.050 is good for you in a very not romantic sense. 0:33:27.060 --> 0:33:29.780 In a very step back and view things logically sense. 0:33:29.790 --> 0:33:32.140 I mean, this is very famous quote from Bojack horseman. 0:33:32.150 --> 0:33:34.740 If you look at the world through rose tinted glasses, 0:33:34.750 --> 0:33:36.840 all the red flags just look like flags. 0:33:36.850 --> 0:33:38.670 That's true. That's right. And 0:33:38.670 --> 0:33:40.510 in order to have these kind of conversations, you need 0:33:40.510 --> 0:33:42.390 to take off your rose tinted glasses and talk to 0:33:42.390 --> 0:33:46.830 them and discuss within yourself whether someone who was a 0:33:46.830 --> 0:33:49.610 stryker baby is acceptable for you or whether someone. I 0:33:49.610 --> 0:33:51.340 mean you can even go in further, I might be 0:33:51.340 --> 0:33:53.070 a porn star. Right? Is there? 0:33:53.070 --> 0:33:54.790 Except there's something I want to tell us. No, 0:33:54.800 --> 0:33:57.760 I'm not, I'm not, I'm not a monster. But if 0:33:57.770 --> 0:33:58.930 I were upon style, 0:33:58.940 --> 0:34:00.740 your name would be john doe, right? 0:34:00.740 --> 0:34:03.230 Maybe right. If I worked in the, in the adult 0:34:03.230 --> 0:34:05.840 industry and I have a really kick as name, right? 0:34:05.850 --> 0:34:07.680 And I share this with my partner. It is up 0:34:07.680 --> 0:34:10.120 to my partner to decide whether this is acceptable or not. 0:34:10.130 --> 0:34:12.060 But if you never bring this up 0:34:12.440 --> 0:34:15.870 and one fine day it comes back. That is a 0:34:15.870 --> 0:34:18.020 way harder conversation to have 0:34:18.040 --> 0:34:19.739 that. If you are in the beginning. 0:34:19.750 --> 0:34:20.890 Yeah. Yeah. 0:34:20.900 --> 0:34:23.620 I don't disagree with that. I mean on that note though, 0:34:23.630 --> 0:34:25.660 this just popped in my mind. I mean it's another 0:34:25.660 --> 0:34:28.380 difficult conversation and I'm not sure if you've had this 0:34:28.380 --> 0:34:31.590 conversation with any of your partners before STD testing. 0:34:31.600 --> 0:34:32.440 Have you 0:34:32.440 --> 0:34:34.450 ever spoken about this with your partner 0:34:34.450 --> 0:34:37.850 interestingly enough with my current partner because I mentioned this 0:34:37.850 --> 0:34:38.560 is the first 0:34:38.640 --> 0:34:42.360 ah partner that I have where we before get together. 0:34:42.360 --> 0:34:44.550 We actually had a long extensive talk 0:34:44.940 --> 0:34:47.640 about who we were and what we want and how 0:34:47.640 --> 0:34:50.009 we expect and how we expect this relationship to go 0:34:50.010 --> 0:34:53.350 and everything and what could potentially video breakers and what 0:34:53.350 --> 0:34:55.560 could potentially be things to work towards. Because we don't 0:34:55.560 --> 0:34:58.350 have a concrete answer yet. And that has been immensely 0:34:58.350 --> 0:35:01.900 helpful because that set the baseline for our future disagreements. 0:35:01.910 --> 0:35:04.560 So if you talk about S. D. I. Testing right? 0:35:04.640 --> 0:35:07.160 Usually it's very touchy because it almost feels like 0:35:07.239 --> 0:35:10.070 in singaporean context. If we discuss this, if someone, if 0:35:10.070 --> 0:35:11.470 I ask you whether you're tested, 0:35:11.540 --> 0:35:13.299 it almost feels accusatory 0:35:13.310 --> 0:35:16.180 like offensive almost like you don't know whether to bring 0:35:16.180 --> 0:35:16.430 it up. 0:35:16.440 --> 0:35:18.790 Are you trying to say that I'm dirty when that's 0:35:18.800 --> 0:35:20.100 the wrong stigma. 0:35:20.110 --> 0:35:21.800 Yes. Yes. Right. If 0:35:21.800 --> 0:35:23.879 you talk about, let's say you talk about S. T. I. 0:35:23.890 --> 0:35:25.780 So common one that people like to ask about is 0:35:25.780 --> 0:35:27.750 clear media for example if you want to talk about 0:35:27.760 --> 0:35:31.210 it should be at the same level as asking whether 0:35:31.210 --> 0:35:32.380 you're vaccinated. 0:35:32.390 --> 0:35:35.380 Yeah. Enough. Like everyone check their vaccination status 0:35:35.390 --> 0:35:37.360 but it should be at that same level. Like do 0:35:37.360 --> 0:35:39.720 you go for a vaccine? No, that's fine. If you went, yes, 0:35:39.719 --> 0:35:42.430 that's fine. Have you tested for Comedia? No, I've never 0:35:42.430 --> 0:35:44.630 actually gone for it. It should be at that level 0:35:44.630 --> 0:35:45.860 because sexual health 0:35:45.940 --> 0:35:47.570 is very much physical health. 0:35:47.580 --> 0:35:49.259 It is 100%,, 0:35:49.440 --> 0:35:51.790 you know, I think for a lot of my girlfriends 0:35:51.790 --> 0:35:53.790 and I as well, sometimes we talk about these things, right? 0:35:53.800 --> 0:35:57.180 Because you know, it's it's just unfortunate that at times 0:35:57.180 --> 0:35:59.600 girls tend to show a little bit more symptoms more 0:35:59.600 --> 0:36:03.200 so than men and you know, depending on what your 0:36:03.200 --> 0:36:05.469 relationship status is. If you're single and you know, you're 0:36:05.469 --> 0:36:07.470 free to do what you want, then you should also 0:36:07.469 --> 0:36:09.279 take care of your body in that way. 0:36:09.290 --> 0:36:10.170 Absolutely. That 0:36:10.170 --> 0:36:12.600 is definitely physical health that you should be looking out 0:36:12.600 --> 0:36:13.259 for you. 0:36:13.270 --> 0:36:15.650 And like, you know, it's I feel that this is 0:36:15.650 --> 0:36:18.750 such a, such an intimate part of of each individual 0:36:18.750 --> 0:36:21.830 because not only is sex at super lacking in Singapore, 0:36:21.830 --> 0:36:22.640 so nobody 0:36:22.860 --> 0:36:25.980 talked about it like nobody's there is to talk about it. 0:36:26.010 --> 0:36:29.480 And so much so that sometimes even resources to find 0:36:29.480 --> 0:36:32.160 out how to get tested, it's very difficult to access. 0:36:32.230 --> 0:36:34.310 You don't know whether you google someone might be looking 0:36:34.310 --> 0:36:37.100 over your shoulder, anything that you know, you're infected 0:36:37.650 --> 0:36:39.640 and the next thing, you know, you're on Tiktok, which 0:36:39.640 --> 0:36:39.779 is 0:36:39.790 --> 0:36:43.130 which is very ironic because if you truly are infected, 0:36:43.140 --> 0:36:44.550 if you truly are infected, 0:36:45.030 --> 0:36:47.520 then all the more you should be seeking medical help 0:36:47.719 --> 0:36:50.430 for yourself. Exactly for your health. 0:36:50.440 --> 0:36:53.170 And if your partner cannot accept that if you're 60 0:36:53.170 --> 0:36:55.210 a doctor, then what is this person thinking? You know, 0:36:55.219 --> 0:36:57.070 what should I do if I'm saying, you know, hope 0:36:57.070 --> 0:36:58.440 for the best. But at the moment of the month 0:36:58.440 --> 0:37:00.400 and hope for the best. No. Right? See a doctor 0:37:00.400 --> 0:37:04.160 and get fixed. And as a result, I think discussing 0:37:04.230 --> 0:37:05.460 um pass 0:37:05.830 --> 0:37:10.390 ah relationships with with S. T. I. S. It's it's 0:37:10.390 --> 0:37:11.650 incredibly important. 0:37:11.660 --> 0:37:14.180 So safe to say you've fully had this conversations 0:37:14.180 --> 0:37:17.370 we have. In fact, we've had we've had talks about 0:37:17.380 --> 0:37:20.670 funny incidents of close close brushes and stuff like that 0:37:20.670 --> 0:37:24.620 because my current partner has had a situation whereby one 0:37:24.620 --> 0:37:25.660 of her friends 0:37:25.830 --> 0:37:28.050 accused her of sleeping with 0:37:28.130 --> 0:37:31.210 her boyfriend and as a result infecting your boyfriend with 0:37:31.219 --> 0:37:33.680 the media and that's why she has chlamydia. And then, 0:37:33.690 --> 0:37:35.350 and then my partner is like, 0:37:35.830 --> 0:37:37.239 what? 0:37:37.250 --> 0:37:38.620 This is brand new information, 0:37:38.630 --> 0:37:39.560 aren't we both 0:37:39.560 --> 0:37:40.549 fine? You 0:37:40.550 --> 0:37:43.090 know, why not only does that become easier for us 0:37:43.090 --> 0:37:47.550 to discuss potential sexual health issues? Because there are a 0:37:47.550 --> 0:37:49.530 plethora right? It's not just S. T. I. 0:37:49.540 --> 0:37:50.569 Of course not. There's so many 0:37:50.570 --> 0:37:53.570 kinds like if you talk about for for women, especially 0:37:53.580 --> 0:37:55.450 especially for women who are sexually active. 0:37:55.630 --> 0:38:00.820 Even the simple talk about HPV talking about when your 0:38:00.830 --> 0:38:03.609 period is around, you want to miss your fertility because 0:38:03.610 --> 0:38:05.140 you want to have kids, right? 0:38:05.520 --> 0:38:07.340 Those are things that you can only talk about if 0:38:07.340 --> 0:38:09.950 you open the open the gates to talk about sexual health. 0:38:09.950 --> 0:38:11.960 And one of the path into that is to talk 0:38:11.960 --> 0:38:13.060 about stds. Yeah, 0:38:13.060 --> 0:38:14.700 I totally agree. I mean, it's great to know that 0:38:14.700 --> 0:38:16.880 you have such an open and honest. I do. In 0:38:16.880 --> 0:38:18.830 fact, I have the flow app on my, on my 0:38:18.840 --> 0:38:21.190 phone because you know, I don't want to be a 0:38:21.190 --> 0:38:21.580 parent 0:38:21.580 --> 0:38:22.739 yet, 0:38:22.820 --> 0:38:25.440 but eventually you want to be. 0:38:25.450 --> 0:38:28.310 Actually, no. Actually, ironically enough, I told myself in five 0:38:28.310 --> 0:38:30.009 years I'm going to go for a vasectomy because I 0:38:30.010 --> 0:38:31.739 do not want to have kids. Yeah, 0:38:31.750 --> 0:38:34.759 wait, this is another episode altogether. It is, it is 0:38:34.810 --> 0:38:36.670 and that is something that I brought up to my 0:38:36.670 --> 0:38:38.930 partner before we got together, I was like, I don't 0:38:38.930 --> 0:38:41.080 want to have kids. And my level of commitment is, 0:38:41.080 --> 0:38:41.650 I'm going 0:38:41.920 --> 0:38:42.320 to snip 0:38:42.320 --> 0:38:43.640 snip 0:38:43.650 --> 0:38:45.569 Really? Yes. 0:38:45.580 --> 0:38:46.520 Can you imagine 0:38:46.520 --> 0:38:48.259 if you reach a point in your life where you 0:38:48.260 --> 0:38:50.450 have kids for example, and you're married, you're happily married 0:38:50.450 --> 0:38:52.960 with your spouse and you don't want to have kids anymore. 0:38:52.960 --> 0:38:54.900 But you don't dare to bring up to your partner 0:38:54.910 --> 0:38:57.620 that you want to go for a vasectomy or likewise 0:38:57.620 --> 0:39:00.690 the female equivalent with fallopian tubes with tight tubes or 0:39:00.690 --> 0:39:01.330 something like that. 0:39:01.820 --> 0:39:03.700 How miserable must that be. 0:39:03.710 --> 0:39:07.319 Yeah. So coming back to communication again, it is from 0:39:07.320 --> 0:39:08.080 the get go 0:39:08.090 --> 0:39:10.930 and also allowing yourself to be yourself and the only 0:39:10.930 --> 0:39:12.960 way to allow yourself to be yourself with your partner 0:39:12.960 --> 0:39:14.790 is if you're honest with them and 0:39:14.790 --> 0:39:16.629 I think, you know, we've learned so much as well today, 0:39:16.630 --> 0:39:18.950 not just about you as a person, but 0:39:19.020 --> 0:39:21.700 in our discussion, you know about being open and honest 0:39:21.700 --> 0:39:22.830 in a relationship and 0:39:22.920 --> 0:39:27.000 sharing your past secrets and stories about your access and 0:39:27.000 --> 0:39:29.520 all that. So is it safe to conclude that there 0:39:29.520 --> 0:39:33.300 still has to be a small level of privacy between 0:39:33.310 --> 0:39:36.010 two people who are in a relationship, but of course 0:39:36.010 --> 0:39:38.390 with everything else, like the bigger picture things, you know 0:39:38.390 --> 0:39:39.030 the stuff that 0:39:39.219 --> 0:39:42.239 is very important for the relationship to move forward, you 0:39:42.239 --> 0:39:43.190 have to share those things 0:39:43.190 --> 0:39:45.790 like I mentioned earlier, so you must remember that you 0:39:45.790 --> 0:39:48.450 are an individual, you're not just an amalgamation of two 0:39:48.450 --> 0:39:50.279 people what made the two of you get together in 0:39:50.280 --> 0:39:53.069 the first place, right, is the individual self that you 0:39:53.070 --> 0:39:53.650 were 0:39:54.020 --> 0:39:56.290 right and this individual self that you will want to 0:39:56.300 --> 0:39:59.540 grow with the relationship, not stagnant because of the relationship 0:39:59.550 --> 0:40:04.250 and that's where that level of privacy and personal um 0:40:04.260 --> 0:40:08.190 individualism becomes highly important. So it's like a balancing act 0:40:08.200 --> 0:40:11.530 between openness with your partner and 0:40:11.810 --> 0:40:15.500 privacy. Now, these two things can be intertwined and overlapped, 0:40:15.510 --> 0:40:17.980 like you can be open with your need for privacy 0:40:17.980 --> 0:40:18.640 with your partner 0:40:18.810 --> 0:40:20.469 and so they're like actually actually this thing I'm not 0:40:20.469 --> 0:40:23.210 comfortable to share with you, this is where because if 0:40:23.210 --> 0:40:26.100 you set the base with your partner, right? In terms 0:40:26.100 --> 0:40:29.230 of the honesty and the openness, you would enable your 0:40:29.230 --> 0:40:31.440 partner to allow you to be private about certain things 0:40:31.450 --> 0:40:34.800 without feeling that I am keeping secrets from you. It's 0:40:34.800 --> 0:40:36.830 just that I am uncomfortable and 0:40:37.210 --> 0:40:39.420 your partner can only have this understanding about you if 0:40:39.420 --> 0:40:42.360 you have been honest and upfront with them about everything else, 0:40:42.370 --> 0:40:42.989 you 0:40:42.989 --> 0:40:45.129 summed it up perfectly and hide it back down to 0:40:45.130 --> 0:40:47.919 the essentials of a relationship. Have you ever thought about 0:40:47.920 --> 0:40:50.580 being like a counselor or therapist? I mean like I 0:40:50.580 --> 0:40:51.500 get that vibe a little 0:40:51.500 --> 0:40:53.030 bit. I don't know, you know, but like, you know, 0:40:53.030 --> 0:40:54.500 sometimes I don't know if this is like, you know, 0:40:54.510 --> 0:40:56.270 you know, asian parents have to praise you for certain things. 0:40:56.280 --> 0:40:58.460 Sometimes when my dad watched watched my podcast, 0:40:58.469 --> 0:40:59.470 what is he saying? Maybe 0:40:59.469 --> 0:41:01.489 you should go and try and learn to be a counselor, whatever. 0:41:01.489 --> 0:41:02.990 I think my heart really makes it so good and 0:41:02.989 --> 0:41:03.520 I'm just like 0:41:03.810 --> 0:41:05.780 just a dude with a lot of opinions and 0:41:05.969 --> 0:41:07.430 a lot of thoughts and 0:41:07.440 --> 0:41:10.540 it's just me and I'm just unorthodox. So I don't 0:41:10.540 --> 0:41:12.420 know if, I mean, maybe it may 0:41:12.420 --> 0:41:14.860 not apply to everyone that doesn't apply to everyone and 0:41:14.870 --> 0:41:16.710 you know what, I think it worked perfectly for our 0:41:16.710 --> 0:41:19.100 audience here today. So thank you so much for being 0:41:19.100 --> 0:41:21.830 open about it, thank you for sharing as well, Once 0:41:21.830 --> 0:41:24.090 again an update with him in five years, we're looking 0:41:24.090 --> 0:41:26.140 forward to it. Thank you so much for listening to 0:41:26.140 --> 0:41:29.120 this episode of Men explain and john thank you so 0:41:29.120 --> 0:41:30.400 much for being here today. 0:41:30.410 --> 0:41:32.240 Yes. Thank you Sonia and Team for having me 0:41:32.510 --> 0:41:34.550 now. If you like this episode hit the follow button. 0:41:34.550 --> 0:41:38.140 We drop new episodes every alternate Tuesday on Spotify, Apple 0:41:38.140 --> 0:41:41.279 podcasts and me listen. Also don't forget follow us at 0:41:41.290 --> 0:41:43.770 its clarity dot co on instagram and facebook for more 0:41:43.770 --> 0:41:47.330 content like this and we'll see you next time.