1 00:00:00,079 --> 00:00:01,569 Speaker 1: My pet peeve is crying. 2 00:00:02,390 --> 00:00:08,149 Speaker 1: Why wait? Don't say that like the right then the 3 00:00:08,159 --> 00:00:10,579 Speaker 1: person so I cannot. 4 00:00:19,149 --> 00:00:22,530 Speaker 1: Hello everyone. Welcome to another episode of The Hot Pot 5 00:00:22,540 --> 00:00:25,260 Speaker 1: where we hop into different parts of spaces, people find 6 00:00:25,270 --> 00:00:28,000 Speaker 1: themselves in during life's transitions. I'm Nick. I'm 7 00:00:28,010 --> 00:00:30,799 Speaker 2: Q and I'm Joey. And for those who are listening 8 00:00:30,809 --> 00:00:33,240 Speaker 2: in and joining us for the first time, we basically 9 00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:36,240 Speaker 2: talk about all things adulting. So please subscribe if you 10 00:00:36,250 --> 00:00:39,409 Speaker 2: haven't already. And we're also very active on Instagram and tiktok. 11 00:00:39,418 --> 00:00:42,270 Speaker 1: OK. On today's episode, we're gonna be talking about what 12 00:00:42,279 --> 00:00:45,279 Speaker 1: makes a healthy and thriving relationship. And 13 00:00:45,450 --> 00:00:47,389 Speaker 1: so how to avoid toxic relationship. 14 00:00:48,029 --> 00:00:51,700 Speaker 2: Yes. Finally enough with the infidelity and like the scary, 15 00:00:51,709 --> 00:00:53,430 Speaker 2: scary first date story. Yeah. 16 00:00:53,439 --> 00:00:56,680 Speaker 1: Yeah. But toxic relationships also scary. Quite 17 00:00:57,439 --> 00:01:01,459 Speaker 2: enough of that. We talk about how to not have avoid. Yes. 18 00:01:01,470 --> 00:01:04,169 Speaker 1: Correct. What does a healthy relationship look like to you? 19 00:01:04,220 --> 00:01:07,128 Speaker 1: You can fight next to the person. No shame is 20 00:01:07,139 --> 00:01:08,970 Speaker 1: shooting in front of the person too much. No, I 21 00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:11,339 Speaker 1: think my toilet at home is open concept. 22 00:01:12,069 --> 00:01:17,120 Speaker 1: Oh my God. Yes, I cannot close open. 23 00:01:17,129 --> 00:01:18,830 Speaker 2: Can I think can close or not? 24 00:01:18,940 --> 00:01:23,209 Speaker 1: Cannot. So actually the previous time when I saw the toilet, right? 25 00:01:23,220 --> 00:01:25,459 Speaker 1: I didn't question it, but when I went back home, right, 26 00:01:26,069 --> 00:01:28,860 Speaker 1: I started thinking that means like just needs to leave 27 00:01:28,870 --> 00:01:30,539 Speaker 1: the room then you shit or what? No, I just go, 28 00:01:31,669 --> 00:01:35,110 Speaker 1: you know, there is a sliding glass door to smell 29 00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:38,879 Speaker 1: close but like line of sight is there, man, you're 30 00:01:38,889 --> 00:01:39,639 Speaker 1: that close. 31 00:01:40,870 --> 00:01:42,870 Speaker 2: I always want to see Charlie. She but he don't 32 00:01:42,879 --> 00:01:43,500 Speaker 2: let me 33 00:01:43,709 --> 00:01:46,660 Speaker 1: like an purposely like 34 00:01:48,629 --> 00:01:49,849 Speaker 1: where, where did it go? 35 00:01:51,819 --> 00:01:54,410 Speaker 1: I dated someone, right? And then without my consent he 36 00:01:54,419 --> 00:01:55,540 Speaker 1: shared from me. 37 00:01:56,610 --> 00:01:59,620 Speaker 1: I was like I wanted to leave, you know, but 38 00:01:59,629 --> 00:02:04,250 Speaker 1: I was brushing my teeth. It was a shit. What 39 00:02:04,260 --> 00:02:07,669 Speaker 2: if? No, no, no, no, unacceptable. Wait. What if you 40 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:09,940 Speaker 2: want to put the toothpaste right? Then blow in the water. 41 00:02:11,610 --> 00:02:14,119 Speaker 1: So I want you to, right? He was like I 42 00:02:14,130 --> 00:02:16,910 Speaker 1: need to shit. Then I'm like, wait, but I'm still 43 00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:17,380 Speaker 1: in here 44 00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:22,579 Speaker 1: and I said doesn't matter. And I honestly I was uncomfortable. 45 00:02:22,589 --> 00:02:26,130 Speaker 1: You got the big but means maybe he was ready 46 00:02:26,139 --> 00:02:28,579 Speaker 1: for a healthy. I think he was comfortable with me 47 00:02:28,729 --> 00:02:30,820 Speaker 1: but you know, with him. No, I just think she 48 00:02:30,830 --> 00:02:32,529 Speaker 1: think around each other a bit too much at which 49 00:02:32,538 --> 00:02:34,799 Speaker 1: point they can or never. I think maybe when I'm 50 00:02:34,809 --> 00:02:39,038 Speaker 1: hopelessly in love. But enough of the shit, it was 51 00:02:39,050 --> 00:02:40,179 Speaker 2: a shitty relationship. 52 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,570 Speaker 1: It was all right. So that was the day. Now 53 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,820 Speaker 1: if you look back, right. He'd be like, oh, that 54 00:02:45,830 --> 00:02:46,299 Speaker 1: was the moment 55 00:02:46,309 --> 00:02:48,270 Speaker 2: I should not have fun side. He think that 56 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:51,130 Speaker 1: like, no, no, no, no. Both of us didn't like, 57 00:02:51,139 --> 00:02:54,750 Speaker 1: love each other. So it's fine. Anyway, healthy relationship as, 58 00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:57,809 Speaker 1: as from party and shoot. What does it look like 59 00:02:57,820 --> 00:02:58,279 Speaker 1: to you? I 60 00:02:58,288 --> 00:03:00,339 Speaker 2: was gonna say healthy communication until we really, 61 00:03:04,869 --> 00:03:08,929 Speaker 1: I asked for it in my most ideal scenario of 62 00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:11,119 Speaker 1: what a healthy relationship looks like. Right. Both of you 63 00:03:11,130 --> 00:03:14,179 Speaker 1: are independent. You are your own individual person, you have 64 00:03:14,190 --> 00:03:16,698 Speaker 1: your own thing going. But then when you come together, well, 65 00:03:17,210 --> 00:03:19,250 Speaker 1: you make each other better. I think the other thing 66 00:03:19,258 --> 00:03:21,888 Speaker 1: is communication. Like your partner should be the person that 67 00:03:21,899 --> 00:03:25,888 Speaker 1: you are willing and prepared to like, like confide in 68 00:03:26,419 --> 00:03:28,559 Speaker 1: and it should be the person that's closest to you. 69 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,830 Speaker 1: So anything that you struggle to tell other people, you 70 00:03:30,839 --> 00:03:33,869 Speaker 1: should be more open to communicate to your partner? Question. 71 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,898 Speaker 1: Do you think that your partner needs to be your 72 00:03:35,910 --> 00:03:37,860 Speaker 1: best friend? I think so, 73 00:03:37,949 --> 00:03:40,419 Speaker 2: I think your partner can be your best friend, but 74 00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:42,750 Speaker 2: your partner should not be your only best friend. I 75 00:03:42,759 --> 00:03:43,750 Speaker 2: feel like you should have 76 00:03:43,899 --> 00:03:47,830 Speaker 2: someone on stand by other than your partner. Not because 77 00:03:47,839 --> 00:03:49,979 Speaker 2: you don't trust your partner, but because it's healthy for 78 00:03:49,990 --> 00:03:51,960 Speaker 2: you to have an outlet as well, 79 00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:55,210 Speaker 1: like you need like an objective point. Right? Yeah. My 80 00:03:55,220 --> 00:03:56,630 Speaker 1: point of view is that your partner should be your 81 00:03:56,639 --> 00:03:58,910 Speaker 1: only best friend of the opposite gender 82 00:03:59,669 --> 00:04:01,509 Speaker 1: and then you can have a same sex best friend. 83 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,699 Speaker 2: But then again, ok, 84 00:04:07,259 --> 00:04:09,529 Speaker 1: I know that because I know that. But then I 85 00:04:09,539 --> 00:04:13,809 Speaker 1: was like, I'm not disagreeing but because I once dated 86 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:17,909 Speaker 1: someone who has a female, female, best friend, female best 87 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:19,820 Speaker 1: friend and ex girlfriend 88 00:04:20,890 --> 00:04:23,368 Speaker 2: flags with. But still, 89 00:04:25,434 --> 00:04:26,945 Speaker 1: do you have any friends or have you seen any 90 00:04:26,954 --> 00:04:29,875 Speaker 1: other couples? Right. One of them has a best friend 91 00:04:29,885 --> 00:04:31,505 Speaker 1: that is of the opposite gender 92 00:04:31,545 --> 00:04:34,084 Speaker 2: then that they leave and then the best friends get together. 93 00:04:34,505 --> 00:04:36,184 Speaker 1: So it didn't work. No, it's not a good 94 00:04:36,195 --> 00:04:39,794 Speaker 2: thing. Yeah, I think it's ok to have good friends 95 00:04:39,803 --> 00:04:42,075 Speaker 2: of the opposite sex, but not when I see best friends, 96 00:04:42,084 --> 00:04:44,484 Speaker 2: it means that you're like, you're right or die or 97 00:04:44,494 --> 00:04:46,484 Speaker 2: go to one person, you're texting every day, you see 98 00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:50,334 Speaker 2: each other. Like, I don't think it is possible but 99 00:04:50,345 --> 00:04:52,933 Speaker 1: I, I do think that it might be possible 100 00:04:53,329 --> 00:04:56,070 Speaker 1: because, like, why are we putting everyone in the same box? 101 00:04:56,079 --> 00:05:00,470 Speaker 1: I mean, like, what if they can actually navigate, you know? 102 00:05:00,488 --> 00:05:01,368 Speaker 1: But then you don't, 103 00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:04,738 Speaker 2: I feel like if it works out it's because they 104 00:05:04,750 --> 00:05:06,309 Speaker 2: tried dating before and it didn't work. 105 00:05:07,630 --> 00:05:10,079 Speaker 1: But in which case, then you are putting, you're bringing 106 00:05:10,089 --> 00:05:13,308 Speaker 1: in some emotional baggage for your partner to deal with. 107 00:05:13,369 --> 00:05:17,290 Speaker 1: So to still maintain that, that relationship because to me 108 00:05:17,299 --> 00:05:19,570 Speaker 1: when you're in a relationship, your priority should be your 109 00:05:19,579 --> 00:05:22,769 Speaker 1: partner and how your partner feels right? So if like 110 00:05:22,779 --> 00:05:26,010 Speaker 1: you are bringing this like opposite gender, best friend into 111 00:05:26,019 --> 00:05:29,130 Speaker 1: your relationship dynamic and then it is causing distress to 112 00:05:29,140 --> 00:05:31,480 Speaker 1: your partner then must reflect. 113 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:35,980 Speaker 1: And so do you think that when your partner requests 114 00:05:35,988 --> 00:05:38,459 Speaker 1: for you to stop being friends with someone of an 115 00:05:38,470 --> 00:05:41,059 Speaker 1: opposite gender? Right, like do you think that becomes an 116 00:05:41,178 --> 00:05:44,929 Speaker 1: unhealthy relationship, I think must communicate first. So basically, it 117 00:05:44,940 --> 00:05:46,470 Speaker 1: needs to be a case of like we sit down 118 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,820 Speaker 1: and then we discuss that. OK. Why is there anything 119 00:05:49,829 --> 00:05:52,850 Speaker 1: before like I like and friendship, right? Is there anything 120 00:05:52,859 --> 00:05:54,920 Speaker 1: that can make you like? Is there a middle ground 121 00:05:54,928 --> 00:05:55,459 Speaker 1: that can 122 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,790 Speaker 1: make you feel better? Oh 123 00:05:57,850 --> 00:05:59,868 Speaker 2: my God, I have a story. So when I was 124 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:04,570 Speaker 2: with my ex the right? He had this, 125 00:06:05,359 --> 00:06:10,109 Speaker 2: you know, I last time Facebook got the sister, brother, right? 126 00:06:11,988 --> 00:06:13,329 Speaker 1: Last time I have 127 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:18,130 Speaker 2: out of the blue she like, like can you come 128 00:06:18,140 --> 00:06:20,529 Speaker 2: meet me? Like I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend but 129 00:06:20,540 --> 00:06:22,368 Speaker 2: he's late or something and I don't want to wait 130 00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:25,200 Speaker 2: alone and I really want to be with someone or 131 00:06:25,209 --> 00:06:27,579 Speaker 2: something along those lines. And then he was like, oh, 132 00:06:27,589 --> 00:06:28,729 Speaker 2: but I'm with Joey. 133 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,299 Speaker 2: She said, ha uh can you just ask her to 134 00:06:31,309 --> 00:06:32,380 Speaker 2: wait somewhere first? 135 00:06:33,549 --> 00:06:35,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's the thing like sometimes when it's 136 00:06:35,329 --> 00:06:38,579 Speaker 1: a best friend of the opposite gender, then the dynamic 137 00:06:38,589 --> 00:06:40,450 Speaker 1: is just different, complicated, complicated, 138 00:06:41,410 --> 00:06:43,899 Speaker 2: complicated is considered and rude. 139 00:06:44,410 --> 00:06:47,659 Speaker 1: OK. We have some examples of what you view as 140 00:06:47,670 --> 00:06:50,769 Speaker 1: a healthy relationship. OK. I want, I want to read, OK. 141 00:06:50,799 --> 00:06:54,619 Speaker 1: This is taken from the pinnacle of the internet. Once again, 142 00:06:54,630 --> 00:06:59,440 Speaker 1: once again, read it. Ginger wo says silence around each 143 00:06:59,450 --> 00:07:02,200 Speaker 1: other is comfortable and not awkward. 144 00:07:03,049 --> 00:07:05,190 Speaker 1: That was one of the ways I knew 145 00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:07,119 Speaker 1: my husband was it. 146 00:07:08,109 --> 00:07:11,440 Speaker 1: We never felt the need to constantly entertain each other. 147 00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:15,589 Speaker 1: We are cool, just chilling and doing our own things 148 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 1: in the pacing 149 00:07:16,239 --> 00:07:18,540 Speaker 2: of me. I have chills but in a not good way. 150 00:07:19,899 --> 00:07:21,079 Speaker 1: Do you think that 151 00:07:22,250 --> 00:07:25,250 Speaker 1: if you're in the same room doing different things? Yeah. 152 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,149 Speaker 1: It's not spending quality time together or is 153 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,350 Speaker 2: this my, one of my favorite things to do? So 154 00:07:30,369 --> 00:07:33,019 Speaker 1: just watch drama. But I was drama. So I would 155 00:07:33,029 --> 00:07:33,549 Speaker 1: just like, 156 00:07:34,170 --> 00:07:37,359 Speaker 1: do my thing. We would just be like, ok, I 157 00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:40,089 Speaker 1: would put one leg on top. Oh my God. I 158 00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:40,170 Speaker 1: love 159 00:07:40,179 --> 00:07:41,140 Speaker 2: the one leg. I also 160 00:07:41,149 --> 00:07:44,660 Speaker 1: like then it's like, it's just a reminder I'm still 161 00:07:44,670 --> 00:07:45,079 Speaker 1: here 162 00:07:46,970 --> 00:07:50,029 Speaker 1: because I've had someone mentioned before that they don't think it's, 163 00:07:50,359 --> 00:07:51,309 Speaker 1: it's normal. 164 00:07:52,070 --> 00:07:55,790 Speaker 2: Oh, sometimes at home when I'm doing on call right 165 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:57,750 Speaker 2: then Charlie will feel like he needs to leave the room. 166 00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,700 Speaker 2: I'm like, no, why do you leave them alone? It's 167 00:07:59,709 --> 00:08:00,959 Speaker 2: not like you're disturbing me. 168 00:08:00,970 --> 00:08:04,089 Speaker 1: I just like you are taking a call. Yes. Ok. 169 00:08:04,119 --> 00:08:04,850 Speaker 1: But I work. 170 00:08:05,429 --> 00:08:07,540 Speaker 2: Yeah, but he's not in the background. He's far away. 171 00:08:07,549 --> 00:08:10,179 Speaker 2: He's just in the other corner of the room. Right. Yeah. 172 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:12,269 Speaker 2: He's not making noise, he's not part of the call 173 00:08:12,279 --> 00:08:14,429 Speaker 2: but they cannot see him. Yeah. So I'm like, I 174 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:14,989 Speaker 2: just like 175 00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,989 Speaker 2: that you're there when he leaves. I feel like now 176 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,399 Speaker 2: I'm working alone. Right. Even though I am working alone, 177 00:08:21,950 --> 00:08:25,869 Speaker 2: you know, I mean, yeah, from Jerry Funk. Mutual respect 178 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,739 Speaker 2: is huge. One thing I've hated about past relationships is 179 00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:31,750 Speaker 2: when they try to mother me or dominate the relationship 180 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:35,449 Speaker 2: in some way, working as a team in a reciprocal, 181 00:08:35,460 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 2: not dominant fashion is an absolute must. That is very true. 182 00:08:39,849 --> 00:08:43,119 Speaker 2: I really relate to this because I am guilty of it. 183 00:08:43,450 --> 00:08:46,549 Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like sometimes I try to mother 184 00:08:47,270 --> 00:08:50,729 Speaker 2: my partner and it crosses a line. I recognize that 185 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:53,449 Speaker 2: it comes from a place where I want the best 186 00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:57,809 Speaker 2: for him. But also we have very different ideas of 187 00:08:57,820 --> 00:09:01,539 Speaker 2: what the best is. The best is comfort levels. I'm 188 00:09:01,549 --> 00:09:04,330 Speaker 2: a very outside person, whatever I'm doing, I'll tell you, 189 00:09:04,340 --> 00:09:07,229 Speaker 2: you will see exactly what I'm doing. Whereas Charlie is 190 00:09:07,239 --> 00:09:10,349 Speaker 2: a very introverted person. So the work that he does, 191 00:09:10,359 --> 00:09:12,650 Speaker 2: he doesn't voice out. So if he doesn't tell me, 192 00:09:12,659 --> 00:09:14,530 Speaker 2: I feel like he's not doing anything and instead of 193 00:09:14,539 --> 00:09:16,079 Speaker 2: asking him like, hey, so why have you been 194 00:09:16,150 --> 00:09:19,010 Speaker 2: up to? I accuse him of not doing anything so 195 00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:21,840 Speaker 2: then it becomes very bossy or it can come off 196 00:09:21,849 --> 00:09:26,340 Speaker 2: very controlling, controlling as well or just it's very rude 197 00:09:26,349 --> 00:09:27,969 Speaker 2: I feel. So it's something that I've had to work 198 00:09:27,979 --> 00:09:31,520 Speaker 1: on. Let's go be like, oh, my God. I see 199 00:09:31,539 --> 00:09:31,979 Speaker 1: as a, 200 00:09:32,359 --> 00:09:34,210 Speaker 2: you know, how to push your partner's. But, 201 00:09:34,359 --> 00:09:37,869 Speaker 1: yeah, it's like people like to hurt people. Yeah. Right. 202 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:38,179 Speaker 1: Hurt 203 00:09:38,190 --> 00:09:39,150 Speaker 2: people, hurt people. Yeah. 204 00:09:39,859 --> 00:09:42,219 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We always talk about going out and 205 00:09:42,229 --> 00:09:44,348 Speaker 1: I try new things and, like, planning dates and things 206 00:09:44,359 --> 00:09:44,929 Speaker 1: like that. Right. 207 00:09:45,309 --> 00:09:48,098 Speaker 1: But what about the simple things that couples do together? Like, 208 00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:52,150 Speaker 1: what do you like go? But do you think that 209 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:55,750 Speaker 1: sometimes it becomes very mundane? OK. So you're saying those 210 00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:58,340 Speaker 1: are those mundane things? I think 211 00:09:58,349 --> 00:10:00,890 Speaker 2: that's so important. One of my favorite things to do 212 00:10:00,919 --> 00:10:01,750 Speaker 2: is like 213 00:10:02,015 --> 00:10:04,655 Speaker 2: past midnight. If I really need to do something, then 214 00:10:04,664 --> 00:10:07,194 Speaker 2: I'm like, let's go. Mustafa many times this has happened 215 00:10:07,205 --> 00:10:08,494 Speaker 2: as we are doing it. I look at him and 216 00:10:08,505 --> 00:10:10,424 Speaker 2: be like, I'm so happy we can do this together 217 00:10:10,434 --> 00:10:13,965 Speaker 2: that like, I have someone to do this spontaneous thing 218 00:10:13,974 --> 00:10:17,554 Speaker 2: with me at any time. It's just the two of us. 219 00:10:17,565 --> 00:10:18,594 Speaker 2: I don't need to 220 00:10:19,099 --> 00:10:22,200 Speaker 2: like, do anything to feel comfortable with you or like, 221 00:10:22,340 --> 00:10:24,579 Speaker 2: let's just you wanna go. Ok, let's go. Let's just 222 00:10:24,719 --> 00:10:28,109 Speaker 2: a best friend. It's really like, it transcends a best friend. 223 00:10:28,119 --> 00:10:29,919 Speaker 2: I feel it's like a life partner 224 00:10:29,929 --> 00:10:32,340 Speaker 1: because like it's something that if you do on your own, right? 225 00:10:32,349 --> 00:10:33,569 Speaker 1: It'll be almost like a chore. 226 00:10:34,219 --> 00:10:36,210 Speaker 1: But then now that you have someone to do it 227 00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:39,650 Speaker 1: with you, right? Then it's like fun, adventure, spontaneous unplanned. 228 00:10:39,770 --> 00:10:43,150 Speaker 1: I feel like there's always a bit of a romanticizing 229 00:10:43,159 --> 00:10:44,719 Speaker 1: of like, you must go and try new things. Go 230 00:10:44,729 --> 00:10:47,039 Speaker 1: to the zoo, we must go to like and do 231 00:10:47,049 --> 00:10:47,960 Speaker 1: exciting things. 232 00:10:48,450 --> 00:10:51,210 Speaker 2: I think there's a difference between let's go on a 233 00:10:51,219 --> 00:10:54,700 Speaker 2: romantic dinner or let's go on a dinner and because 234 00:10:54,710 --> 00:10:56,260 Speaker 2: we have romance is romantic. 235 00:10:56,270 --> 00:10:58,280 Speaker 1: You know, I mean, just because the idea of it 236 00:10:58,289 --> 00:11:01,949 Speaker 1: is romance, that's why you succumb to it as in 237 00:11:02,039 --> 00:11:02,130 Speaker 1: it 238 00:11:02,684 --> 00:11:03,385 Speaker 2: because 239 00:11:03,395 --> 00:11:04,614 Speaker 1: that's the, 240 00:11:05,705 --> 00:11:07,234 Speaker 2: you cannot say like I'm going to take you on 241 00:11:07,244 --> 00:11:10,635 Speaker 2: a romantic dinner. And then what if she doesn't like this? 242 00:11:10,854 --> 00:11:13,405 Speaker 2: You think that it's romantic because you watch 243 00:11:13,505 --> 00:11:17,325 Speaker 1: the movie stereotypically romantic? Yeah, like I think sometimes the 244 00:11:17,335 --> 00:11:19,505 Speaker 1: mundane things also can be romantic 245 00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:23,255 Speaker 2: are so 24 like 24 7, I say 24 7 246 00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:26,405 Speaker 2: like midnight mustafa or switch. It's so romantic 247 00:11:26,414 --> 00:11:29,125 Speaker 1: to me. Now, the trend is celebrate your partner's birthday 248 00:11:29,135 --> 00:11:29,944 Speaker 1: in mcdonald's. 249 00:11:31,049 --> 00:11:31,289 Speaker 1: Then 250 00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:34,460 Speaker 2: I think your fy P is like very different from our, 251 00:11:34,909 --> 00:11:38,789 Speaker 1: you'll see you hit your fy in six months. Six months. 252 00:11:41,229 --> 00:11:45,469 Speaker 1: Question, what is something you recommend for people to start doing? 253 00:11:46,090 --> 00:11:50,739 Speaker 1: Pilates taking cold showers? Yeah, I've been taking cold showers 254 00:11:50,750 --> 00:11:55,409 Speaker 1: in the morning. It's good for your blood circulation. Yes, 255 00:11:55,419 --> 00:12:00,710 Speaker 1: blood circulation immunity. No, your immune system might be might 256 00:12:00,719 --> 00:12:01,229 Speaker 1: improve 257 00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:06,030 Speaker 1: anxiety. And I think I was every single morning, two 258 00:12:06,039 --> 00:12:11,150 Speaker 1: years because the water only against your will. But I 259 00:12:11,169 --> 00:12:14,080 Speaker 1: really like what 5 a.m. on? Very, very little sleep. You, 260 00:12:14,090 --> 00:12:16,409 Speaker 1: we one shower. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But ok, my co 261 00:12:16,539 --> 00:12:18,830 Speaker 1: I was only like 1 to 2 minutes then. Like 262 00:12:19,409 --> 00:12:19,900 Speaker 1: when was 263 00:12:19,909 --> 00:12:21,590 Speaker 2: the last time you vomited? 264 00:12:22,669 --> 00:12:27,309 Speaker 2: Maybe a month and a half, two months ago when 265 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,450 Speaker 2: I really need to vomit? I was like deeply sniff 266 00:12:29,460 --> 00:12:30,330 Speaker 2: the toilet bowl. 267 00:12:30,789 --> 00:12:34,539 Speaker 1: What the to bowl or like? So I can first 268 00:12:34,570 --> 00:12:36,539 Speaker 1: then you go. No, it's 269 00:12:36,549 --> 00:12:39,059 Speaker 2: so I can vomit because I don't like to do 270 00:12:39,070 --> 00:12:41,150 Speaker 2: this and I need to get it out. Like, so 271 00:12:41,159 --> 00:12:44,400 Speaker 2: especially motion sickness, I need to vomit to feel better. 272 00:12:44,409 --> 00:12:47,150 Speaker 2: So I need to put my head in 273 00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:51,820 Speaker 1: but like, Miss must be smelly. Yeah, I need to know. 274 00:12:51,830 --> 00:12:53,960 Speaker 1: I think she's just visualizing. Yeah, I 275 00:12:53,969 --> 00:12:56,250 Speaker 2: just really need to like, oh, I need to go 276 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:56,968 Speaker 2: over time. I keep 277 00:12:58,099 --> 00:13:03,309 Speaker 1: the same. What is on your phone? Wallpaper? A picture 278 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:06,770 Speaker 1: of Jess and I right after I proposed to her 279 00:13:06,780 --> 00:13:07,289 Speaker 1: in Iceland, 280 00:13:09,969 --> 00:13:13,130 Speaker 1: you one of my current relationship, right? I remember, I 281 00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:17,859 Speaker 1: still remember like November, December we had every single weekend 282 00:13:17,869 --> 00:13:19,989 Speaker 1: there was something that we were doing but at the 283 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,219 Speaker 1: end of that stretch, right? I was just like, I 284 00:13:22,229 --> 00:13:22,669 Speaker 1: think 285 00:13:22,989 --> 00:13:24,510 Speaker 1: I just want to stay at home for like the 286 00:13:24,590 --> 00:13:27,340 Speaker 1: next few months. So there needs to be a balance. 287 00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:30,650 Speaker 1: Like what are the roles that conflicts and arguments play 288 00:13:30,659 --> 00:13:31,909 Speaker 1: in a healthy relationship? I 289 00:13:31,919 --> 00:13:34,210 Speaker 2: think it's very interesting the way you phrased. It was, 290 00:13:34,219 --> 00:13:37,469 Speaker 2: what is the role that arguments play? I feel the 291 00:13:37,479 --> 00:13:41,530 Speaker 2: role the arguments play is helping you develop a deeper 292 00:13:41,539 --> 00:13:45,299 Speaker 2: understanding of your partner and their needs because the argument 293 00:13:45,309 --> 00:13:46,329 Speaker 2: is not a fight 294 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:49,909 Speaker 2: is the need to be heard. Right? It's like I'm 295 00:13:49,919 --> 00:13:51,989 Speaker 2: be understood. Yeah, I'm just, I just want to hear 296 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,039 Speaker 2: where I'm coming from. This was like, no, I want 297 00:13:54,049 --> 00:13:56,049 Speaker 2: you to understand where I'm coming from. So, all you 298 00:13:56,059 --> 00:13:58,130 Speaker 2: need to do is just understand. Have you ever gotten 299 00:13:58,140 --> 00:14:01,049 Speaker 2: an argument with someone or in a relationship? Right? Where 300 00:14:01,059 --> 00:14:03,869 Speaker 2: someone starts getting sassy and then the sass train starts 301 00:14:03,940 --> 00:14:06,530 Speaker 2: then starting the finger that then a f and the 302 00:14:06,539 --> 00:14:07,650 Speaker 2: hand come out and like 303 00:14:08,679 --> 00:14:10,780 Speaker 1: just per all the way. Yeah. So 304 00:14:10,789 --> 00:14:12,989 Speaker 2: all it takes is one person to do it and 305 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:13,309 Speaker 2: the 306 00:14:13,426 --> 00:14:16,286 Speaker 2: person who is being like, let's say you do to me, right? 307 00:14:16,296 --> 00:14:18,476 Speaker 2: It takes a lot to not do it back. Right? 308 00:14:18,606 --> 00:14:22,156 Speaker 1: Yeah. The line where it crosses from being a, a 309 00:14:22,406 --> 00:14:26,685 Speaker 1: healthy argument to a toxic argument, right? Is when you, 310 00:14:26,695 --> 00:14:28,395 Speaker 1: the things that you are saying is not to resolve 311 00:14:28,406 --> 00:14:31,106 Speaker 1: the issue but to hurt the other person. I want 312 00:14:31,116 --> 00:14:32,966 Speaker 1: to make this person feel bad because I'm feeling that 313 00:14:33,085 --> 00:14:37,046 Speaker 1: I have a friend who she avoids conflict because she 314 00:14:37,056 --> 00:14:40,156 Speaker 1: doesn't like it. And I think only after 315 00:14:40,262 --> 00:14:43,601 Speaker 1: ending the relationship, she realized that she's been holding back 316 00:14:44,012 --> 00:14:46,952 Speaker 1: all her concerns, all the things that she wanted in 317 00:14:46,961 --> 00:14:49,211 Speaker 1: a relationship, but she didn't voice out. Yeah. So I 318 00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:52,442 Speaker 1: do feel that yes, arguments are necessary. So, like, how 319 00:14:52,452 --> 00:14:55,481 Speaker 1: do you make sure that an argument is healthy? Actually 320 00:14:55,492 --> 00:14:58,840 Speaker 1: try to resolve the problem together and then like must 321 00:14:58,851 --> 00:15:00,552 Speaker 1: really try to look at it from your partner's point 322 00:15:00,562 --> 00:15:03,231 Speaker 1: of view to wise tone that one tricky. So I 323 00:15:03,291 --> 00:15:07,002 Speaker 1: think emotional, you got raised voice with your voice before. 324 00:15:07,710 --> 00:15:10,539 Speaker 1: But my voice naturally like project. 325 00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:12,570 Speaker 2: No, I feel like I 326 00:15:12,580 --> 00:15:14,640 Speaker 1: feel like a little bit like argue. 327 00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:17,729 Speaker 2: I don't shout at me, but I'm not shouting there. 328 00:15:17,739 --> 00:15:19,960 Speaker 2: Now you are shouting, you know, like at the end 329 00:15:19,969 --> 00:15:23,099 Speaker 2: of the day, you are unhappy and you're expressing discomfort, 330 00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:25,549 Speaker 2: you can't do that with a smile on your face, 331 00:15:25,940 --> 00:15:30,429 Speaker 2: you know, but it's another to be rude. LA, right? 332 00:15:30,770 --> 00:15:34,140 Speaker 2: And I think it takes pride to be out of 333 00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:37,289 Speaker 2: the situation. So my past relationship, if I say like, 334 00:15:37,299 --> 00:15:38,710 Speaker 2: can you not? That was very rude 335 00:15:39,369 --> 00:15:41,630 Speaker 2: instead of saying that was very rude, right? I'll just 336 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,570 Speaker 2: fight back or be like, you wanna be, I'll be 337 00:15:43,580 --> 00:15:45,010 Speaker 2: rude back. Let's go. You want to see how far 338 00:15:45,020 --> 00:15:47,890 Speaker 2: you can go? Let's go. But now in my relationship, 339 00:15:48,169 --> 00:15:49,890 Speaker 2: I will say like, I think that was kind of rude. 340 00:15:49,940 --> 00:15:52,799 Speaker 2: You didn't have to say that. And then instead of 341 00:15:52,809 --> 00:15:54,969 Speaker 2: going really, I don't think it was rude, right? That's 342 00:15:54,979 --> 00:15:57,609 Speaker 2: why I expected the first time I decided to communicate 343 00:15:57,619 --> 00:15:59,770 Speaker 2: that and then he went OK, you're right. I'm sorry, 344 00:15:59,780 --> 00:16:01,409 Speaker 2: let's continue. I'm like 345 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,299 Speaker 1: healthy relationship. Never heard of her. But I think sometimes 346 00:16:06,309 --> 00:16:08,570 Speaker 1: you also, when you are arguing, you need to look 347 00:16:08,580 --> 00:16:12,630 Speaker 1: beyond tone because like I, what I try to do 348 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:14,599 Speaker 1: is what is the underlying message you are trying to 349 00:16:14,609 --> 00:16:18,659 Speaker 1: communicate because the delivery, the manner of delivery. I was 350 00:16:18,669 --> 00:16:22,049 Speaker 1: sometimes very like if you let that affect how you 351 00:16:22,059 --> 00:16:24,919 Speaker 1: view the argument can get very triggered. My pet peeve 352 00:16:24,929 --> 00:16:25,700 Speaker 1: is crying. 353 00:16:26,450 --> 00:16:30,989 Speaker 1: Why wait? Don't say that. No, I know my pet 354 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:35,070 Speaker 1: peeve is people like men thinking that crying is like wrong. 355 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,869 Speaker 1: Like you shouldn't be crying in the argument. It's not 356 00:16:36,919 --> 00:16:42,090 Speaker 1: about like cry but like like if the person crying 357 00:16:42,099 --> 00:16:46,419 Speaker 1: as if it's something that's uncontrollable. So you OK. So 358 00:16:46,429 --> 00:16:48,419 Speaker 1: that's why I say you must see beyond that law 359 00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:52,659 Speaker 1: is my own personal. But then like I try to 360 00:16:52,669 --> 00:16:54,869 Speaker 1: look past, OK, you need you cry. You, you 361 00:16:55,830 --> 00:16:58,729 Speaker 1: right. Then the person said, I, so I, I cannot 362 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,520 Speaker 1: one time your parents ask 363 00:17:01,530 --> 00:17:01,929 Speaker 2: you to stop that. 364 00:17:03,570 --> 00:17:06,130 Speaker 1: I think last time like my parents asked me to stop, 365 00:17:06,140 --> 00:17:08,329 Speaker 1: I can stop. I should stop. Why are you? Are 366 00:17:08,339 --> 00:17:11,579 Speaker 1: your n I hope, oh wait, sorry. Can I just 367 00:17:11,589 --> 00:17:13,790 Speaker 1: say something? I remember someone saying, hey, you cried for, 368 00:17:15,859 --> 00:17:17,250 Speaker 1: I'm like I got 369 00:17:17,260 --> 00:17:21,930 Speaker 2: emotions. I do feel like there are some women who 370 00:17:21,939 --> 00:17:24,300 Speaker 2: use crying as a weapon to get that way. Yeah. 371 00:17:24,930 --> 00:17:28,109 Speaker 2: So it's like he says, something her. Ok. 372 00:17:28,650 --> 00:17:32,859 Speaker 2: Yeah. The whole argument gone. Then he's like, who we 373 00:17:32,869 --> 00:17:33,449 Speaker 2: trying to talk. 374 00:17:33,459 --> 00:17:34,810 Speaker 1: Right. Then you, 375 00:17:36,239 --> 00:17:38,640 Speaker 2: sorry? Ok. Sorry, stop crying. It 376 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,609 Speaker 1: doesn't resolve. It's a manipulative, very 377 00:17:41,619 --> 00:17:42,468 Speaker 2: manipulative. 378 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:45,050 Speaker 1: I, I actually have a list of things that I 379 00:17:45,060 --> 00:17:48,359 Speaker 1: wanted to share of. Like, what's a toxic relationship. Yeah. 380 00:17:48,369 --> 00:17:50,829 Speaker 1: But then that was one of the crying, right? No. Like, 381 00:17:50,839 --> 00:17:52,349 Speaker 1: for example, I already heard you really, 382 00:17:52,430 --> 00:17:55,030 Speaker 1: really deeply and you need some time to kind of 383 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,550 Speaker 1: like forgive me, right? And then they end up blaming 384 00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,430 Speaker 1: you for like why can't you just forgive me? It's 385 00:18:00,439 --> 00:18:02,849 Speaker 1: a bit manipulative like the guest like you to think 386 00:18:02,859 --> 00:18:04,609 Speaker 1: that you caused the problem 387 00:18:04,619 --> 00:18:06,640 Speaker 2: because they don't want to be wrong. Correct. Yeah. 388 00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:09,218 Speaker 1: Actually I obviously never cry for so many years. So 389 00:18:09,229 --> 00:18:12,000 Speaker 1: that next time got a big argument, right? Then I 390 00:18:12,010 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 1: can 391 00:18:12,290 --> 00:18:14,910 Speaker 2: pull out the big bo the final boss. Can you 392 00:18:14,930 --> 00:18:15,989 Speaker 2: imagine suddenly just 393 00:18:21,060 --> 00:18:23,859 Speaker 1: OK. So let's talk about conflict resolution. So any tips 394 00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:28,149 Speaker 1: or not for resolving conflicts and arguments like don't say 395 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,030 Speaker 1: sorry for the sake of saying sorry. Well, see I'm 396 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,270 Speaker 1: the opposite. I struggle to say sorry. I think I, 397 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:34,510 Speaker 1: I got too much price. Cannot cry. 398 00:18:36,410 --> 00:18:37,339 Speaker 2: Crime is p 399 00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:41,468 Speaker 1: you can cry but I will just be. But like 400 00:18:41,479 --> 00:18:44,889 Speaker 1: I realized that I struggle to say sorry. So now 401 00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:47,119 Speaker 1: I'm self aware about it. I force myself to say no, 402 00:18:47,130 --> 00:18:49,449 Speaker 1: but forcing yourself to say sorry, do you mean it? No? 403 00:18:49,459 --> 00:18:51,380 Speaker 1: I know I should say sorry and that I know 404 00:18:51,390 --> 00:18:52,159 Speaker 1: inside I feel 405 00:18:52,949 --> 00:18:55,010 Speaker 1: you feel sorry, I feel sorry, but I cannot say, 406 00:18:55,020 --> 00:18:57,579 Speaker 1: I cannot say so. Now I learn how to say. 407 00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:58,010 Speaker 1: Have 408 00:18:58,020 --> 00:18:59,910 Speaker 2: you ever heard the term? Don't go to sleep angry. 409 00:19:00,030 --> 00:19:04,280 Speaker 1: So I love that I realized right? As an that 410 00:19:04,290 --> 00:19:05,880 Speaker 1: is a bit too idealistic. 411 00:19:05,890 --> 00:19:10,579 Speaker 2: I thought that that was an expectation that is very 412 00:19:10,589 --> 00:19:14,500 Speaker 2: healthy and then it's like my partner trying to sleep, right? 413 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:15,819 Speaker 2: That I force him. No, you, 414 00:19:15,994 --> 00:19:17,435 Speaker 2: we talk now. Yeah, 415 00:19:17,925 --> 00:19:22,344 Speaker 1: and arguing. Very tiring. But I think it really depends 416 00:19:22,354 --> 00:19:24,984 Speaker 1: like if they are exhausted, like they cannot keep their 417 00:19:24,994 --> 00:19:28,405 Speaker 1: eye open. Yes, I agree. No. But if they are awake, 418 00:19:28,415 --> 00:19:30,675 Speaker 1: then they want to play game after they choose to 419 00:19:30,685 --> 00:19:34,304 Speaker 1: play game over over some time, sometimes you just need 420 00:19:34,314 --> 00:19:35,755 Speaker 1: to steal and 421 00:19:36,364 --> 00:19:36,925 Speaker 2: cool it off. 422 00:19:36,964 --> 00:19:38,714 Speaker 1: Yes, I cannot resolve now. 423 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,609 Speaker 1: I need to like cool down, it can come off 424 00:19:41,619 --> 00:19:44,140 Speaker 1: like you're putting it off though, I think must communicate 425 00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:47,469 Speaker 1: and say I need some time to lie to myself. 426 00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:49,939 Speaker 1: So for example, if let's say you're a woman, you're 427 00:19:49,949 --> 00:19:52,890 Speaker 1: dating a gamer, then they want to go and play game. 428 00:19:53,310 --> 00:19:57,089 Speaker 1: Do you find that rather like offensive or will you 429 00:19:57,099 --> 00:20:00,469 Speaker 1: feel a bit affected argument? OK. I don't want to 430 00:20:00,479 --> 00:20:01,780 Speaker 1: argue anymore. Then 431 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,069 Speaker 1: play Mobile Legends play. Do they say it like that then? 432 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,000 Speaker 1: But if it's a case of like, OK, I don't 433 00:20:09,010 --> 00:20:11,160 Speaker 1: think that we can resolve this now because like we 434 00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:14,270 Speaker 1: are both very emotional. So maybe you can take some 435 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,670 Speaker 1: time to yourself to think things through. I also can 436 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,310 Speaker 1: take some time to cool down. I would like to 437 00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:21,209 Speaker 1: do my own things while I'm doing that. Then when 438 00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:23,300 Speaker 1: he's playing the game, right, then you know, sometimes they 439 00:20:23,310 --> 00:20:25,339 Speaker 1: talk to their friends, they laughing. 440 00:20:27,219 --> 00:20:28,400 Speaker 2: Why are you describing 441 00:20:29,739 --> 00:20:30,280 Speaker 1: the camera in my 442 00:20:31,650 --> 00:20:34,920 Speaker 2: camera in my house is a gamer like he's a 443 00:20:34,930 --> 00:20:36,659 Speaker 1: game. He going out there. 444 00:20:36,670 --> 00:20:38,800 Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, no. Maybe there was one. I 445 00:20:38,810 --> 00:20:41,859 Speaker 2: think maybe there might have been one occasion where we 446 00:20:41,869 --> 00:20:45,469 Speaker 2: were having a little bit of an argument. And then 447 00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:48,609 Speaker 2: I'm like who like whatever that I go and be 448 00:20:48,619 --> 00:20:50,540 Speaker 2: unhappy and do my own things and then I go 449 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:51,919 Speaker 2: and co whatever that 450 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,750 Speaker 2: I was fine. And now I'm 451 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,649 Speaker 1: not see this is what I'm saying. But then he's 452 00:20:59,660 --> 00:21:00,709 Speaker 1: compartmentalizing 453 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:05,069 Speaker 2: is when I'm in that mood, I mean, that mood 454 00:21:05,079 --> 00:21:07,040 Speaker 2: to take things personally why I know 455 00:21:07,050 --> 00:21:09,359 Speaker 1: it's like when she's well, she's in pain. He's laughing 456 00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:11,160 Speaker 1: at with his broad. No, but 457 00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:12,689 Speaker 2: I can be in pain. But then when I'm texting 458 00:21:12,699 --> 00:21:14,869 Speaker 2: my friends, I said I send me but he cannot. 459 00:21:16,130 --> 00:21:18,589 Speaker 2: So then I realized, OK, you know what? We both 460 00:21:18,599 --> 00:21:21,569 Speaker 2: can complement that way. It doesn't make sense that no, 461 00:21:21,579 --> 00:21:22,750 Speaker 2: I want you to sit down and stop. 462 00:21:24,099 --> 00:21:27,189 Speaker 2: I feel bad until we resolve this. Like that's very selfish, right? 463 00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:29,069 Speaker 1: I it's just that from the receiving and you feel 464 00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:33,329 Speaker 1: like why are you laughing while I'm upset? Yeah. Yeah, 465 00:21:35,949 --> 00:21:38,560 Speaker 1: you can go but maybe cannot like you just giggle, 466 00:21:38,599 --> 00:21:40,389 Speaker 1: cannot be caught and cannot 467 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,589 Speaker 2: let me know if it was fair. I went out 468 00:21:42,599 --> 00:21:44,419 Speaker 2: to go and eat my thing, watch TV, do my 469 00:21:44,430 --> 00:21:47,060 Speaker 2: own thing or if I see not funny. I love it. 470 00:21:47,069 --> 00:21:47,939 Speaker 2: Just he did it 471 00:21:47,949 --> 00:21:51,089 Speaker 1: first. I feel like that that 472 00:21:52,550 --> 00:21:54,449 Speaker 1: might be the winner, right? 473 00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:57,629 Speaker 2: So then I always have to remind like there's no 474 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:01,959 Speaker 2: winners like we both win if we settle the argument. Right? Yeah. 475 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,420 Speaker 2: But there was one time, right? I was with my 476 00:22:03,430 --> 00:22:07,119 Speaker 2: ex and then I remember I took, you know, is, 477 00:22:07,459 --> 00:22:08,448 Speaker 1: is a gastric thing. 478 00:22:08,589 --> 00:22:12,510 Speaker 2: No, it's the, is the, is so effective, it's so effective. 479 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:15,810 Speaker 2: But my need to like fight it out was stronger. 480 00:22:16,010 --> 00:22:18,800 Speaker 2: So I tahan, right? For like three hours we were 481 00:22:18,810 --> 00:22:21,500 Speaker 2: on the phone arguing. I finish. I hang out already. Right? 482 00:22:21,510 --> 00:22:23,430 Speaker 2: I don't remember what happened. Like I just, 483 00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:29,219 Speaker 2: I remember the last thing I did was ok. I 484 00:22:29,229 --> 00:22:30,089 Speaker 2: love you to that. 485 00:22:31,339 --> 00:22:33,180 Speaker 2: I really like my eyelids. 486 00:22:34,589 --> 00:22:34,949 Speaker 2: I tried 487 00:22:35,010 --> 00:22:38,290 Speaker 1: to hold it off. Really? You just need to sleep first. Ok. 488 00:22:38,569 --> 00:22:40,599 Speaker 1: Noted on that. So going to the next point, right? 489 00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:44,290 Speaker 1: What are some early signs of an unhealthy relationship come 490 00:22:44,469 --> 00:22:48,300 Speaker 1: to expert? I wrote a list of things. Number one, 491 00:22:48,310 --> 00:22:51,489 Speaker 1: you feel like you're walking on egg shells? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, 492 00:22:51,719 --> 00:22:58,609 Speaker 1: you need to be careful of angry, angry experience that before. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ok. 493 00:22:58,780 --> 00:23:00,790 Speaker 1: Number two, when it starts to feel like a competition 494 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,609 Speaker 1: on whether who can hurt who more 495 00:23:03,770 --> 00:23:06,000 Speaker 1: you start to lose your identity because you kind of 496 00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:08,938 Speaker 1: like bend and break into fitting. What is the ideal 497 00:23:08,949 --> 00:23:14,000 Speaker 1: version of yourself for your, like for example, your personality 498 00:23:14,010 --> 00:23:17,729 Speaker 1: starts changing clothes that you start to dress differently. I 499 00:23:17,739 --> 00:23:21,430 Speaker 1: have friends who like because their partner likes they wear 500 00:23:21,439 --> 00:23:23,959 Speaker 1: their clothes. No, no, like they just like they like 501 00:23:23,969 --> 00:23:27,300 Speaker 1: to wear some like a certain kind of like fashion style. 502 00:23:27,310 --> 00:23:29,829 Speaker 1: But then their partner like, don't like, 503 00:23:30,099 --> 00:23:33,500 Speaker 2: I really cannot stand it when 504 00:23:34,099 --> 00:23:36,050 Speaker 2: a guy tells a girl not to wear like a 505 00:23:36,060 --> 00:23:38,958 Speaker 2: specific like be like that's too short and then it's 506 00:23:38,969 --> 00:23:40,199 Speaker 2: like above the knee, 507 00:23:40,209 --> 00:23:42,520 Speaker 1: maybe it's not short and maybe it's a specific style. 508 00:23:42,699 --> 00:23:45,500 Speaker 1: That's ridiculous. How does that compare to like girls that 509 00:23:45,510 --> 00:23:47,459 Speaker 1: like to say, like my boyfriend always just very los, 510 00:23:47,709 --> 00:23:50,359 Speaker 1: he always wear the army T shirt and always wears 511 00:23:50,369 --> 00:23:53,089 Speaker 1: people go down? Does that give him the right to 512 00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:56,400 Speaker 1: then comment about her clothes? So it's a bit tough. 513 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,520 Speaker 1: But I, I know I get about the number double 514 00:23:58,530 --> 00:24:01,270 Speaker 1: standards thing. I think it really goes back to your intention. 515 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,879 Speaker 1: I think I can understand why 516 00:24:04,459 --> 00:24:08,239 Speaker 1: some women would expect them to dress up better, especially 517 00:24:08,250 --> 00:24:11,030 Speaker 1: when they're going out because it's putting in effort is 518 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:13,239 Speaker 1: showing up for both of you. I 519 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:18,150 Speaker 2: think the difference is one if it could be respect, 520 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,709 Speaker 2: the LA, something could be respect if it was a 521 00:24:20,719 --> 00:24:23,550 Speaker 2: formal event. And he was like, no, I don't care. 522 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,129 Speaker 2: You know, me, I'm not gonna do this, but you 523 00:24:25,140 --> 00:24:27,510 Speaker 2: knew is important to the person and you chose to 524 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:30,760 Speaker 2: dress laps up anyway. I think that there lies a 525 00:24:30,770 --> 00:24:32,109 Speaker 2: respect problem. 526 00:24:32,525 --> 00:24:36,125 Speaker 2: If it's a, she's constantly dressing a certain way, like 527 00:24:36,135 --> 00:24:39,354 Speaker 2: a specific style and you don't like that, it's provocative. 528 00:24:39,375 --> 00:24:42,175 Speaker 2: Then it comes down to being foundation very different 529 00:24:42,185 --> 00:24:44,775 Speaker 1: people. It doesn't even have to be provocative. It can 530 00:24:44,785 --> 00:24:47,185 Speaker 1: be like a style that he doesn't like, like a 531 00:24:47,214 --> 00:24:48,045 Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe she like goth 532 00:24:48,719 --> 00:24:51,040 Speaker 1: and then he's like, don't wear boots, don't wear black 533 00:24:51,050 --> 00:24:51,329 Speaker 1: boots 534 00:24:51,969 --> 00:24:53,839 Speaker 2: then, but that's part of her. Then maybe you just 535 00:24:53,849 --> 00:24:54,579 Speaker 2: don't like her. 536 00:24:54,589 --> 00:24:57,500 Speaker 1: But even the dressing now I think could also just 537 00:24:57,510 --> 00:25:02,069 Speaker 1: be like foundation very different people. A similar experience that 538 00:25:02,079 --> 00:25:06,280 Speaker 1: I've had before. Is that my, my partner back then 539 00:25:06,290 --> 00:25:09,099 Speaker 1: said that you cannot like feed a guy. 540 00:25:09,709 --> 00:25:12,609 Speaker 1: And then like, when I caught him, I saw him 541 00:25:12,619 --> 00:25:14,890 Speaker 1: doing it once, right? It's not that I'm affected by 542 00:25:14,900 --> 00:25:17,270 Speaker 1: a girl, I'm not affected by it as I'm not 543 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:22,169 Speaker 1: affected by him feeling it. So it triggered that unhealthy 544 00:25:22,180 --> 00:25:24,659 Speaker 1: person in me that you said that I couldn't do it. 545 00:25:24,670 --> 00:25:26,829 Speaker 1: And then why do you do it? He said, but 546 00:25:26,839 --> 00:25:27,650 Speaker 1: you don't mind what to 547 00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:30,680 Speaker 2: me the way I see it right from her perspective 548 00:25:30,689 --> 00:25:32,489 Speaker 2: is like, you don't want me to see a guy 549 00:25:32,500 --> 00:25:34,829 Speaker 2: because you think it's intimate, right? So, why are you 550 00:25:34,839 --> 00:25:36,649 Speaker 2: doing an intimate thing to go? Yeah. Yeah. 551 00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:37,050 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 552 00:25:37,219 --> 00:25:40,619 Speaker 2: It doesn't matter how I feel about it, what you 553 00:25:40,630 --> 00:25:43,000 Speaker 2: see as an intimate thing. So, why are you doing 554 00:25:43,010 --> 00:25:47,389 Speaker 1: that? Right. Ok. We move on. You have a cut 555 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:51,239 Speaker 1: off your friends, plural, not singular friends because he doesn't 556 00:25:51,250 --> 00:25:53,550 Speaker 1: want you to hang out with them. Actually, one thing 557 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,329 Speaker 1: that I realize as well is that like if you 558 00:25:55,339 --> 00:25:59,359 Speaker 1: don't like your partner's friends, right, then it needs to 559 00:25:59,369 --> 00:26:02,989 Speaker 1: be something that is identified early on before you even 560 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,489 Speaker 1: decide to get in a relationship with them 561 00:26:04,939 --> 00:26:07,540 Speaker 1: because I think you have every right to not like 562 00:26:07,869 --> 00:26:11,140 Speaker 1: someone's friends, but then when you date someone, you must 563 00:26:11,150 --> 00:26:15,239 Speaker 1: be prepared. They like, I'm, I'm buying into this whole ecosystem, 564 00:26:15,250 --> 00:26:18,099 Speaker 1: not just my partner. I think the thing that I 565 00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:22,150 Speaker 1: mentioned is more like opposite gender they just very senses 566 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:23,380 Speaker 1: about and 567 00:26:23,469 --> 00:26:27,209 Speaker 1: anybody that you're hanging out with. Yeah, it goes back 568 00:26:27,219 --> 00:26:32,169 Speaker 1: to the opposite gender best friend thing also like if now, right, 569 00:26:32,180 --> 00:26:34,599 Speaker 1: you're not in a relationship with this person, but this 570 00:26:34,609 --> 00:26:40,089 Speaker 1: person is a potential like potential partner. Then you know 571 00:26:40,099 --> 00:26:43,540 Speaker 1: that there is a opposite gender, best friend. Will you 572 00:26:43,550 --> 00:26:45,329 Speaker 1: still go in and then try to like 573 00:26:45,969 --> 00:26:48,989 Speaker 1: to figure that out or like not the one to me, 574 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:49,550 Speaker 1: I was the one 575 00:26:50,339 --> 00:26:53,760 Speaker 1: as someone who just experienced that not so long ago, 576 00:26:54,770 --> 00:26:57,869 Speaker 1: I think I would avoid it in the future. So 577 00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:00,790 Speaker 1: I think these are the things like interpersonal relationships that 578 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:03,489 Speaker 1: your partner already has before they even started dating. You, 579 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,229 Speaker 1: you need to be like eyes wide open that like 580 00:27:06,689 --> 00:27:08,679 Speaker 1: you must be ok with these relationships will still be 581 00:27:08,689 --> 00:27:10,640 Speaker 1: there even after you enter the picture. 582 00:27:11,030 --> 00:27:14,609 Speaker 2: So, Jay Shetty, he's a British podcaster. He's listed seven 583 00:27:14,619 --> 00:27:17,630 Speaker 2: questions that can deepen any relationship in your life. And 584 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:20,729 Speaker 2: so it doesn't need to be lamented, love him. OK. 585 00:27:20,739 --> 00:27:23,060 Speaker 2: Number one. What should I do more of 586 00:27:23,770 --> 00:27:27,859 Speaker 2: two? What should I do? Less of three? What do 587 00:27:27,869 --> 00:27:31,550 Speaker 2: I do that makes you confident? Four. What do I 588 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:37,149 Speaker 2: do that makes you anxious. Five. What is your love language? Six. 589 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:38,579 Speaker 2: What is your fight style? 590 00:27:39,140 --> 00:27:42,260 Speaker 2: And seven is this relationship going in the direction you 591 00:27:42,270 --> 00:27:46,040 Speaker 2: want to go? Actually? Great question. I think these are fantastic. 592 00:27:46,050 --> 00:27:49,099 Speaker 1: So love language. I know got like a few different ones, 593 00:27:49,109 --> 00:27:52,130 Speaker 1: fight style got like fixed on like maybe 594 00:27:52,140 --> 00:27:53,859 Speaker 2: the way I fight is I need to 595 00:27:53,869 --> 00:27:55,949 Speaker 1: like when you say five star, I thought like 596 00:27:58,500 --> 00:28:02,560 Speaker 1: sugar, my fire star is capoeira. My fire star is 597 00:28:02,569 --> 00:28:03,109 Speaker 1: craft maga. 598 00:28:04,180 --> 00:28:07,560 Speaker 2: So maybe all of us can try asking our significant other. 599 00:28:07,569 --> 00:28:10,969 Speaker 2: These questions I feel like it will bring up a lot. 600 00:28:10,979 --> 00:28:13,369 Speaker 2: Like even if you're not in a romantic relationship, like 601 00:28:13,380 --> 00:28:15,089 Speaker 2: maybe ask your best friend, like, what can I do 602 00:28:15,099 --> 00:28:16,948 Speaker 2: more of, have I been there for you? 603 00:28:17,900 --> 00:28:19,500 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for watching this episode of The 604 00:28:19,510 --> 00:28:22,699 Speaker 1: Hot Pot. We are also on Apple podcast, Spotify and me. Listen. 605 00:28:22,770 --> 00:28:22,989 Speaker 1: And 606 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:26,359 Speaker 2: please tell us what a healthy or toxic relationship looks 607 00:28:26,369 --> 00:28:27,020 Speaker 2: like to you. 608 00:28:27,189 --> 00:28:29,800 Speaker 1: And if you haven't already subscribed to our channel as 609 00:28:29,810 --> 00:28:32,739 Speaker 1: well at you, got watch. Thanks for listening and we 610 00:28:32,750 --> 00:28:35,869 Speaker 1: will see you in the next episode. Bye bye.