1 00:00:00,060 --> 00:00:03,210 S1: Hi, Faisal. Hi, there. And it's to me, welcome back 2 00:00:03,210 --> 00:00:08,309 S1: to Clematis podcast. We are back and look at our 3 00:00:08,310 --> 00:00:11,310 S1: T-shirts today, so kula sunny flowery, 4 00:00:11,670 --> 00:00:13,640 S2: but I don't know if you read this, right? Yeah, 5 00:00:13,650 --> 00:00:15,870 S2: the person we are going to be talking about in 6 00:00:15,870 --> 00:00:16,860 S2: today's episode will like it. 7 00:00:17,220 --> 00:00:19,590 S1: Oh, they would know they would buy one, right? Try 8 00:00:19,590 --> 00:00:22,630 S1: to pull down my oh yeah. Really? Oh, really? 9 00:00:22,660 --> 00:00:25,570 S3: Guess we we're talking about my mother. 10 00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:27,860 S1: Yeah. 11 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:30,620 S3: Well, this is actually a very highly requested topic, and 12 00:00:30,630 --> 00:00:33,120 S3: I think it is something that is a universal, 13 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,800 S1: you know, concern. Yeah, I don't think I'll get that 14 00:00:36,810 --> 00:00:42,390 S1: because my mother listening every state, visit your father in law. Listen, 15 00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:42,840 S1: very 16 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:46,050 S3: my mother in law listens very closely who has podcasts 17 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,960 S3: to the show. I think she's seen and heard harsh 18 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:49,739 S3: podcasts as well. 19 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,210 S2: Until we put all about you. 20 00:00:51,210 --> 00:00:52,229 S1: You are great. 21 00:00:52,740 --> 00:00:55,350 S2: You are great, Jimenez told us. Everything about you. 22 00:00:55,380 --> 00:00:57,060 S1: Hello, mummy. Hello. 23 00:00:57,430 --> 00:00:58,680 S3: You need that by now. You guys, thank you. 24 00:01:00,090 --> 00:01:02,820 S1: But I wanted to get your general thoughts right about 25 00:01:02,820 --> 00:01:05,399 S1: mother in laws. What do you guys think? 26 00:01:07,140 --> 00:01:08,940 S3: Let's not tread carefully. Let's be honest. 27 00:01:09,350 --> 00:01:09,650 S1: You know, 28 00:01:09,660 --> 00:01:11,729 S3: what is your impression of this concept? 29 00:01:11,970 --> 00:01:16,650 S2: Honestly, right? I think mother in laws are someone who 30 00:01:16,650 --> 00:01:19,290 S2: can help me get to know my husband better. 31 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:21,119 S1: Wow. Great answer. 32 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,490 S2: You know, really, really. That's really what I truly think. 33 00:01:23,970 --> 00:01:27,450 S1: OK. Maybe you is right. That's true. I think maybe 34 00:01:27,450 --> 00:01:29,960 S1: from young, we hear a lot of stories of like 35 00:01:30,030 --> 00:01:32,649 S1: horror stories, right? So I think that sort of like 36 00:01:32,670 --> 00:01:36,410 S1: shapes our perception that like, oh, they're like scary and 37 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,360 S1: like not very nice and things like that. So that sticks. 38 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,910 S1: You see, it's like the evil stepmother LA. I mean, 39 00:01:42,510 --> 00:01:44,730 S1: it may not be true, but that's what you think. 40 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:48,120 S3: Understand. Yeah, I think we've been conditioned by stereotypes to 41 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:51,570 S3: think that mother in law is difficult. But I think 42 00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:54,540 S3: we'll show you some of our personal experiences and we'll 43 00:01:54,540 --> 00:01:57,840 S3: see what we agree on and off to this episode. OK. 44 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,560 S3: But yeah, I think relationships can be really complicated, especially 45 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:04,320 S3: when in-laws enter the picture when you're getting serious and 46 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:07,110 S3: all that. And for some reason, right, it does seem 47 00:02:07,110 --> 00:02:09,990 S3: like women struggle more than men in this aspect when 48 00:02:09,990 --> 00:02:11,430 S3: it comes to in-laws. Do you 49 00:02:11,430 --> 00:02:11,760 S1: agree? 50 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:16,050 S2: I agree because, you know, they always mention about when 51 00:02:16,050 --> 00:02:18,090 S2: there's two women in the family. There's bound to be 52 00:02:18,090 --> 00:02:21,360 S2: some kind of conflict, some kind of struggles, but doesn't 53 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,430 S2: necessarily have to be so. I don't think so. I 54 00:02:23,430 --> 00:02:23,880 S2: don't think so. 55 00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:26,010 S3: Yeah. I think we've been conditioned to think this way, 56 00:02:26,010 --> 00:02:27,750 S3: but we can change that perception. 57 00:02:27,990 --> 00:02:30,120 S1: That's right. And I'm sure that guys with, you know, 58 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,190 S1: morality issues as well. So we don't want to discount that. 59 00:02:32,190 --> 00:02:35,790 S1: Don't come at us. Guys have father in law issues. 60 00:02:35,850 --> 00:02:38,470 S1: This was issue. That's true. Of course, 61 00:02:38,470 --> 00:02:41,580 S3: this was can you imagine like your dad trying to 62 00:02:41,580 --> 00:02:44,550 S3: approve of your boyfriend, right? And having that sort of 63 00:02:44,550 --> 00:02:48,120 S3: awkward situation right is scary for them too, right? But yeah, 64 00:02:48,150 --> 00:02:49,770 S3: did Didion hush? We're going to talk about why some 65 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:50,940 S3: of us feel afraid. 66 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:52,110 S1: Oh, my third 67 00:02:52,110 --> 00:02:55,200 S3: laws, but mostly a little bit awkward and how to 68 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:58,530 S3: navigate that whole situation. If you are in a not 69 00:02:58,530 --> 00:03:00,510 S3: so good situation with your in-laws. 70 00:03:00,570 --> 00:03:02,820 S2: So amongst the three of us as far as marital? 71 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,950 S2: How is the relationship like with the mother in law? 72 00:03:05,030 --> 00:03:07,500 S2: I got right because your mom and his mom 73 00:03:07,830 --> 00:03:12,150 S1: are besties, right? Oh, this one won the lottery. Oh, well, 74 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:15,990 S1: I'm going to be. Oh, you know, that's you know, 75 00:03:15,990 --> 00:03:18,450 S1: so you actually have a good relationship. I do. I do. 76 00:03:18,450 --> 00:03:21,240 S1: I'm very lucky and I call myself very lucky as well. 77 00:03:21,419 --> 00:03:24,870 S1: I know it's a rarity. I know I'm very blessed. 78 00:03:24,870 --> 00:03:27,540 S1: There's the privilege to. Yeah, but since we got married, 79 00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:31,230 S1: our mothers have been besties. The video call each other 80 00:03:31,230 --> 00:03:35,610 S1: every day. Oh, so cute. Sometimes it's a problem because 81 00:03:35,610 --> 00:03:40,290 S1: before we get to see anything, everybody knows. Oh, so 82 00:03:40,290 --> 00:03:42,300 S3: when you first met her, I mean, you guys were 83 00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:45,840 S3: already family, friends, but when you first met her as like, 84 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,220 S3: I am going to marry your son. 85 00:03:47,730 --> 00:03:51,180 S1: What was that like? Was it awkward or. Actually right? 86 00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:54,000 S1: I think when we first started going out quite early 87 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,750 S1: in that time already, I think over dinner, this family. Oh, 88 00:03:57,780 --> 00:04:00,630 S1: I was very. And I'm not that campus and do, like, 89 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:04,230 S1: bring you home or like, meet your family. Because for me, 90 00:04:04,230 --> 00:04:06,150 S1: it's like why two years on a what kind of thing. 91 00:04:06,150 --> 00:04:08,760 S1: But it wasn't because it's so close to family. It's 92 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:11,070 S1: like the first day he was going out with me, 93 00:04:11,070 --> 00:04:14,140 S1: the whole family knew and the whole family helped him. 94 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,650 S1: It's like, Wow, I will never tell my family, you know, 95 00:04:17,010 --> 00:04:21,780 S1: because of the good times. OK, so 96 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,480 S3: basically when you first went out with them, it was 97 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:27,180 S3: very early on in the relationship. Did she like you? 98 00:04:27,420 --> 00:04:31,270 S1: I want to think so. No. But remember love? Yeah. 99 00:04:31,380 --> 00:04:34,710 S1: I think last episode when I said that everyone had 100 00:04:34,710 --> 00:04:37,890 S1: met me before, I remember it. Yes, because the mother 101 00:04:37,890 --> 00:04:39,840 S1: called him and asked him to come home because I 102 00:04:39,839 --> 00:04:43,140 S1: was there. So the mother saw you approve. Yes. 103 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:46,140 S3: So you as a potential already and wanted him to 104 00:04:46,140 --> 00:04:46,830 S3: lock you down? 105 00:04:46,980 --> 00:04:50,960 S1: Oh, well, lucky lucky bear 106 00:04:50,970 --> 00:04:52,060 S3: can give me 40 numbers. 107 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:53,310 S1: I'll give you. 108 00:04:54,180 --> 00:04:56,700 S2: This looks like a scenario out from like a K-drama, 109 00:04:56,790 --> 00:04:56,970 S2: but 110 00:04:57,190 --> 00:04:59,460 S1: I'm a very evil, evil man. 111 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,170 S3: This one is like real while real life fairy tale. 112 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:05,349 S1: Oh, very lucky, very lucky. I think prior to this, 113 00:05:05,350 --> 00:05:07,750 S1: because I had so many things that I've seen friends 114 00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:11,020 S1: struggle with mother in law, scary, scary mother in laws. 115 00:05:11,260 --> 00:05:12,960 S1: So there was a point where I used to say, Well, 116 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,430 S1: I think I want to fine potential husband anymore more. 117 00:05:15,430 --> 00:05:17,700 S1: I just want to scour through the mud and all this. 118 00:05:19,029 --> 00:05:22,700 S1: It's true that I think it makes or break your relationship. Oh, OK, OK, 119 00:05:22,779 --> 00:05:23,160 S1: I see. 120 00:05:23,230 --> 00:05:25,840 S2: No, really. I beg to differ, but I will express 121 00:05:25,839 --> 00:05:28,090 S2: my views in a bit. What about you, Jimi? So 122 00:05:28,089 --> 00:05:30,110 S2: I mean, you're going to maybe Eisa for sure. 123 00:05:30,589 --> 00:05:33,390 S1: I imagine so. 124 00:05:33,650 --> 00:05:37,120 S3: Yeah, I think with my future mother in law, we 125 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,729 S3: got off to a rocky start, I will say, because 126 00:05:39,730 --> 00:05:42,609 S3: when we first got together, he's an only child. He's 127 00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:45,070 S3: been very protective his whole life. His parents love him 128 00:05:45,070 --> 00:05:48,460 S3: to death, right? So I don't really know if this 129 00:05:48,460 --> 00:05:50,380 S3: is the situation, but maybe there was a bit of 130 00:05:50,380 --> 00:05:53,500 S3: like she was feeling a little bit insecure that, oh, 131 00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:56,159 S3: there's another woman in his life now taking care of him, 132 00:05:56,170 --> 00:05:58,179 S3: and I took care of him at 16 years old. 133 00:05:58,180 --> 00:05:59,530 S3: I was very good at it. You know, I have 134 00:05:59,529 --> 00:06:02,020 S3: him apply for uni and all that. So maybe she 135 00:06:02,020 --> 00:06:04,960 S3: felt like, Oh, will I be sidelined because she's always 136 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,910 S3: been the center of their family unit and I was 137 00:06:06,910 --> 00:06:09,609 S3: his first real girlfriend. He brought home. So it was 138 00:06:09,610 --> 00:06:11,890 S3: off to a bit of a rocky start at that time. 139 00:06:11,900 --> 00:06:15,100 S3: But nevertheless the love me, like I'm their own daughter. 140 00:06:15,310 --> 00:06:17,169 S3: So we broke up, right? I won't tell you about 141 00:06:17,170 --> 00:06:18,490 S3: the first time I met them, but I'll tell you 142 00:06:18,490 --> 00:06:20,650 S3: about the first time I saw them again after we 143 00:06:20,650 --> 00:06:21,370 S3: got back together. 144 00:06:22,330 --> 00:06:23,670 S1: So we went through this thing. 145 00:06:23,830 --> 00:06:26,380 S3: Oh, I went to his place. I was so nervous 146 00:06:26,380 --> 00:06:28,630 S3: seeing these people after, like four years of the breaking 147 00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:31,000 S3: up with a son, right? So walking into the house 148 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:34,530 S3: and they greeted me with the biggest smiles ever. The 149 00:06:34,570 --> 00:06:35,740 S3: hot me. They tell me 150 00:06:35,740 --> 00:06:39,670 S1: they miss me because I love them so much. I 151 00:06:39,670 --> 00:06:43,150 S1: walk out the door. They were so happy to see me. 152 00:06:43,450 --> 00:06:46,240 S3: And they really treat me like I'm their own and 153 00:06:46,270 --> 00:06:47,830 S3: I treat them like my own parents, even though we're 154 00:06:47,830 --> 00:06:49,720 S3: not married yet. I love them so, 155 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:50,469 S1: so, so much. 156 00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:53,290 S2: But isn't this better? Like you, we eliminate the whole 157 00:06:53,290 --> 00:06:55,690 S2: mother in law, daughter in law, kind of like argument 158 00:06:55,690 --> 00:06:58,240 S2: and conflict. This is so much better for your son, 159 00:06:58,270 --> 00:07:00,880 S2: your future husband, and for the entire family in general. 160 00:07:00,910 --> 00:07:02,710 S3: Definitely. I think we've grown a lot over the last 161 00:07:02,710 --> 00:07:05,440 S3: few years, and now everything is just is beautiful. 162 00:07:07,210 --> 00:07:09,040 S1: Oh, nice. Oh, nice. I love them. I love you 163 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,120 S1: and be so for me. 164 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,550 S2: Right back when I was dating Jordan, I remember one 165 00:07:12,550 --> 00:07:14,260 S2: of the first few times he brought me back home. 166 00:07:14,260 --> 00:07:16,630 S2: His mother already knew that I was going to be 167 00:07:16,630 --> 00:07:20,290 S2: coming back home, so she was standing at the unit, 168 00:07:20,290 --> 00:07:24,100 S2: the corridor, the balcony, the balcony, just looking down and 169 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:28,600 S2: seeing when this girl will arrive. She excited. She's the 170 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:32,140 S2: kind who always ones Hassan to find someone good, someone 171 00:07:32,140 --> 00:07:33,900 S2: to take care of him. So I think she was 172 00:07:33,910 --> 00:07:36,580 S2: already open minded in this sense. And when I when 173 00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:39,940 S2: I went to that place, she greeted me. All smiles 174 00:07:39,940 --> 00:07:41,710 S1: could mean amazing food, 175 00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:43,900 S2: all that kind of thing. So I think I'm lucky 176 00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:45,910 S2: in this sense because I don't think I've ever date 177 00:07:45,910 --> 00:07:49,630 S2: that someone with a mother who didn't approve of me, 178 00:07:49,750 --> 00:07:53,860 S2: except for one in secondary school. I mean, that was. No, no, no, no. 179 00:07:53,950 --> 00:07:56,520 S2: Have you a.1 the mother as you quite like me? OK. Yeah. 180 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,140 S2: The one I think before after I came in. But 181 00:08:00,340 --> 00:08:02,350 S2: it's not a boy, but the mother really didn't like me, 182 00:08:02,350 --> 00:08:04,990 S2: I think, because I wasn't a Christian. Oh, yeah, I 183 00:08:04,990 --> 00:08:07,540 S2: think so. I think so. Also, I think the relationship 184 00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:09,280 S2: blew over in like, what, a few months. 185 00:08:09,290 --> 00:08:13,000 S3: And I have to say, though hazy, would make the best. 186 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:13,280 S3: I think 187 00:08:13,390 --> 00:08:13,870 S1: it's true. 188 00:08:14,590 --> 00:08:16,510 S3: I can't imagine any mother in law who would not 189 00:08:16,510 --> 00:08:17,170 S3: approve of his. 190 00:08:17,210 --> 00:08:19,660 S1: Oh, I love that guy I had in my life. 191 00:08:19,910 --> 00:08:22,720 S1: It's like the girl for you to bring home on that, really? 192 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,790 S1: Are yours, so. All right. Yeah. 193 00:08:24,790 --> 00:08:28,540 S3: So if anyone needs to impress your mother? Hit us up. 194 00:08:28,810 --> 00:08:29,680 S3: It's clearly school 195 00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:30,040 S1: better. 196 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,670 S3: But dealing with in-laws is just I think it's a 197 00:08:33,670 --> 00:08:36,880 S3: tricky situation, especially in our Asian household, because we want 198 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,220 S3: to be very respectful of them. We want to please 199 00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:41,590 S3: them and make them happy. But sometimes, you know, they 200 00:08:41,590 --> 00:08:44,600 S3: just have like a preconceived idea of what the $.10 201 00:08:44,620 --> 00:08:47,050 S3: should be. And you might not be that you might 202 00:08:47,050 --> 00:08:48,550 S3: not match up to that. And I think a lot 203 00:08:48,550 --> 00:08:51,460 S3: of people can relate that you feel very nervous around 204 00:08:51,460 --> 00:08:53,170 S3: your in-laws. You don't know what to say or if 205 00:08:53,170 --> 00:08:55,510 S3: I say the wrong thing, the wrong things. There's actually 206 00:08:55,510 --> 00:08:58,510 S3: this story right from one of our listeners. She went 207 00:08:58,510 --> 00:09:00,890 S3: to her boyfriend's place to have dinner. OK, you know, 208 00:09:00,910 --> 00:09:04,240 S3: with the family. The mom actually offered her durian, OK, 209 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:06,490 S3: and she said, I'm so sorry, I'm full. It's okay. 210 00:09:06,490 --> 00:09:08,439 S3: I don't want that. You're in. OK. The mom offered 211 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,870 S3: her a few more times again, and she rejected because 212 00:09:10,870 --> 00:09:12,430 S3: she was full. She didn't want to, you know, waste 213 00:09:12,429 --> 00:09:14,530 S3: of food after that, right? The boyfriend was very angry 214 00:09:14,530 --> 00:09:16,630 S3: at her deal. Oh shit. Like why is so rude 215 00:09:16,630 --> 00:09:18,280 S3: and you reject the food? Why do you say no? 216 00:09:18,510 --> 00:09:19,120 S3: Then she was very 217 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,230 S1: confused, she said. 218 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:23,110 S3: But what do you mean? I was fool. I reject 219 00:09:23,110 --> 00:09:26,260 S3: it in a polite manner. Oh, why is that wrong? 220 00:09:26,770 --> 00:09:28,600 S3: What would you have done in this situation if your 221 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,010 S3: boyfriend come to you and say it was over? 222 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:34,780 S2: Actually, this in question is exactly like my mom. Oh, 223 00:09:34,929 --> 00:09:37,360 S2: exactly like my mom. Like, even when I'm full ready, 224 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:38,780 S2: she'll be like, Hey, you still want this? 225 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,780 S1: You still want that to mother thing. Yeah. 226 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:42,760 S2: And there was one time I asked her, Why do 227 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,130 S2: you do that to you? Like Samaritan laws? What do 228 00:09:45,130 --> 00:09:47,740 S2: you keep offering food when the other party that he 229 00:09:47,740 --> 00:09:50,830 S2: or she is full to her is manners? So she 230 00:09:50,830 --> 00:09:54,940 S2: said Lymphoma Pacey Ma like you unself eat. Other people 231 00:09:54,940 --> 00:09:57,699 S2: don't get to eat, so you must keep asking. She 232 00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:59,780 S2: does this a lot to my sister in law and. 233 00:09:59,929 --> 00:10:01,969 S2: On the contrary, my brother is not like this guy 234 00:10:01,970 --> 00:10:05,240 S2: in question. My brother would be the one telling my mom, Mom, 235 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,620 S2: can you please stop? She stitches for, Oh 236 00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:11,090 S3: yeah, your pain is very important. Your partner needs to 237 00:10:11,090 --> 00:10:13,990 S3: back you up and you don't understand the situation as well. 238 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,850 S3: It's a tough situation not to be caught between your 239 00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:17,750 S3: girlfriend and your mom. 240 00:10:17,780 --> 00:10:20,630 S1: Yeah, well, nobody was hurt. It's true, and I think 241 00:10:20,630 --> 00:10:24,890 S1: it's very tricky because while you don't want to overstep boundaries, 242 00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:26,870 S1: you know, because you also don't want, you want to 243 00:10:26,870 --> 00:10:29,750 S1: assure her that you are still the queen in this life. 244 00:10:30,170 --> 00:10:32,600 S1: I'm not here to take over your place, exactly, but 245 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,880 S1: at the same time, some things you need backup. Yeah. 246 00:10:35,540 --> 00:10:38,660 S3: I think it really depends on your partner's upbringing as well. 247 00:10:38,990 --> 00:10:40,970 S3: If they were brought up in a family like maybe 248 00:10:40,970 --> 00:10:43,340 S3: like Hayes's, where they always offer food to you, you know, 249 00:10:43,340 --> 00:10:45,620 S3: then naturally, he would think that the polite thing to 250 00:10:45,620 --> 00:10:47,479 S3: do is to just eat it cool, which is not 251 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,939 S3: a so you don't try it because I think even 252 00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:51,650 S3: everyday things, we do things differently. 253 00:10:51,730 --> 00:10:54,380 S1: You can imagine, like you grew up completely differently. Maybe 254 00:10:54,380 --> 00:10:56,760 S1: in that household, he was being bought from young that 255 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,580 S1: if someone offers you foot, you can reach out if 256 00:10:58,580 --> 00:10:59,120 S1: you're it. 257 00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:02,929 S3: Like, for example, in my household from young, right? We 258 00:11:02,929 --> 00:11:05,470 S3: always use our phones while eating is a very normal thing. OK, 259 00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,000 S3: like nobody school meal, whatever. But when I first went 260 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,890 S3: out with each other and use my phone at the 261 00:11:09,890 --> 00:11:12,230 S3: dinner table, he would tell me separately after dinner that 262 00:11:12,230 --> 00:11:15,500 S3: his parents don't like that. So ever since then over Skype, 263 00:11:15,540 --> 00:11:16,980 S3: I look at my phone during that. 264 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,920 S2: See, he made the right move because he told you 265 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,930 S2: separately after dinner dress the key. 266 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:21,530 S1: True. True. 267 00:11:22,340 --> 00:11:23,660 S3: At the end of the day, I mean, you are 268 00:11:23,660 --> 00:11:26,000 S3: still a teenager, yet you still do support each other. 269 00:11:27,110 --> 00:11:28,490 S1: OK. So I think 270 00:11:28,490 --> 00:11:31,250 S3: we need to unpack a little bit about the different 271 00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:34,150 S3: kinds of mother laws that we might have heard of, OK, 272 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,429 S3: or that your friends or you have experienced. 273 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:39,010 S1: Oh, OK, juicy. Yeah. 274 00:11:39,620 --> 00:11:43,550 S3: The first one is the narcissistic mother in law, the 275 00:11:43,550 --> 00:11:45,530 S3: one that needs to be at the center of attention 276 00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:47,569 S3: at all times. Maybe she's used to that growing up, 277 00:11:47,690 --> 00:11:50,360 S3: you know, and she doesn't want the daughter in law 278 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,520 S3: to take over that role in the family feeling a 279 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:56,059 S3: bit intimidated that maybe a bit threatened, right? Or maybe 280 00:11:56,059 --> 00:11:58,600 S3: they want you to be exactly like how they are 281 00:11:58,610 --> 00:12:01,250 S3: in terms of values, customs of beliefs. And if you 282 00:12:01,250 --> 00:12:03,500 S3: are not, they feel like you're not suitable for the son. 283 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,990 S2: But you have to recognize that no two people on 284 00:12:05,990 --> 00:12:08,690 S2: Earth have the exact same values as invalid, correct 285 00:12:08,690 --> 00:12:10,840 S1: siblings also who grow up the same healthy alone. 286 00:12:10,940 --> 00:12:13,130 S2: Mm hmm. But have you heard of such stories of 287 00:12:13,130 --> 00:12:14,420 S2: such a mother in laws? 288 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:18,410 S1: OK, I'm a friend. She went through a lot. A lot, 289 00:12:18,410 --> 00:12:24,080 S1: a lot. OK, so this is a ex mother in law. OK. Oh, divorce. Really? OK. 290 00:12:24,350 --> 00:12:26,750 S1: So from the very start, right from the get go, 291 00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:31,520 S1: she was not happy about this marriage. Oh, when they 292 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:34,429 S1: were deciding to get married, first of all, she was reluctant. 293 00:12:34,460 --> 00:12:36,500 S1: I think she already has a preconceived notion that this 294 00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:37,819 S1: girl is going to take the son away from home. 295 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,949 S1: So she said, Oh, we share the home. And then 296 00:12:39,950 --> 00:12:44,449 S1: eventually they had to move in with her, or she 297 00:12:44,450 --> 00:12:47,900 S1: was not happy when her son helped out with house chores. 298 00:12:48,679 --> 00:12:51,710 S3: Oh, she expect that his wife would be the one 299 00:12:51,710 --> 00:12:52,880 S3: doing the housework to No. 300 00:12:53,030 --> 00:12:54,440 S2: Twenty twenty one guy. 301 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,500 S1: So you want the house you bloody clean up. You 302 00:12:57,500 --> 00:13:01,349 S1: know you eat. You wash your damn plate, right? Yeah, 303 00:13:01,460 --> 00:13:04,340 S1: you don't know what you eating quality. You know what 304 00:13:04,340 --> 00:13:05,699 S1: I made up, but you don't sleep. You want to 305 00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:06,470 S1: clean the floor. You don't want 306 00:13:06,470 --> 00:13:07,819 S2: exactly why is 307 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,940 S1: to the his washing machine is OK. You never use 308 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,360 S1: it before you. So don't know what we need 309 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,270 S3: to go for our coffee. OK, so she had him. 310 00:13:17,270 --> 00:13:19,309 S3: She had a preconceived notion of what her daughter in 311 00:13:19,309 --> 00:13:22,040 S3: law should be, and she didn't match up to it. Therefore, 312 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:22,760 S3: she was against it. 313 00:13:22,820 --> 00:13:25,550 S1: Hmm. Then eventually there was a baby involved. So when 314 00:13:25,550 --> 00:13:28,599 S1: the baby came, usually he would shower the baby as 315 00:13:28,670 --> 00:13:31,340 S1: in my friend. Whenever that people in the house, it's 316 00:13:31,340 --> 00:13:32,960 S1: a bit inconvenient. I had like, get out of the 317 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,690 S1: room and everything, so her husband would shout the baby. 318 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,510 S1: But one day there was nobody in the house except 319 00:13:38,510 --> 00:13:40,790 S1: for the mother in law. And then there and then 320 00:13:40,790 --> 00:13:43,609 S1: the husband shout, the baby. I mean, his baby. And 321 00:13:43,610 --> 00:13:46,250 S1: she hot from outside. Nobody at home on why she 322 00:13:46,250 --> 00:13:47,390 S1: cannot do that. What must do 323 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:49,180 S2: on the do not cool. 324 00:13:49,340 --> 00:13:50,599 S1: And that's a 325 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,210 S3: very, very difficult situation to be in because it helps 326 00:13:53,210 --> 00:13:55,640 S3: your relationship, too. And this is a marriage with a 327 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:56,570 S3: child and all that 328 00:13:56,750 --> 00:14:00,170 S2: with equal responsibilities as men, wife and father and mother 329 00:14:00,170 --> 00:14:01,400 S2: of that child. Correct? 330 00:14:01,429 --> 00:14:03,620 S3: Let's keep this in mind. Whatever that we are seeing 331 00:14:03,620 --> 00:14:05,840 S3: right now, when we become mother in law, you better 332 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:07,070 S3: not be like that, I guess. 333 00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:09,890 S1: Yeah, yeah. Y'all sitting here is going to be uncomfortable, 334 00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:13,870 S1: 'cause whatever. OK, I promise I will never be like babies. 335 00:14:13,910 --> 00:14:17,280 S1: I'll go my son. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 336 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:21,590 S1: We have to do our best as future mother in life. OK, OK. 337 00:14:21,590 --> 00:14:23,660 S3: So that is the narcissistic kind of mother in law. 338 00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:27,980 S3: There's another kind where you fear that you will be judged, 339 00:14:27,980 --> 00:14:30,290 S3: or you fear that you'll be labeled by your in-laws 340 00:14:30,290 --> 00:14:32,510 S3: for anything that you do. You feel that pressure to 341 00:14:32,510 --> 00:14:34,680 S3: look perfect. Be perfect all the time. What do you 342 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:35,090 S3: guys think? 343 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,420 S2: Hmm. The first few meetings years ago, when I met 344 00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:41,870 S2: my ex, Jordan's mom, I was pressured to like, OK, 345 00:14:41,930 --> 00:14:45,050 S2: I would definitely not dress like that spaghetti cropped all. No, 346 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:49,190 S2: I'll dress properly. Make sure those tattoos are covered. You 347 00:14:49,190 --> 00:14:53,570 S2: know nothing. No, no. No cuts, but a few more 348 00:14:53,570 --> 00:14:55,940 S2: meetings after that. I feel like they are quite cool 349 00:14:55,940 --> 00:14:57,920 S2: to pretty chill so I can just dress up as 350 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,030 S2: I want. And that is a blessing. Have you heard 351 00:15:00,030 --> 00:15:02,820 S2: of cases where mother in laws they labeled the daughter 352 00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:03,930 S2: in law, just not, she 353 00:15:03,930 --> 00:15:06,900 S1: say, she must have thought, Oh, even 354 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,090 S3: now when I wear, you know, cropped ups, she will 355 00:15:09,090 --> 00:15:10,410 S3: just casually like 356 00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:13,950 S1: it done and I know what she's doing. But I 357 00:15:13,950 --> 00:15:15,780 S1: just it's a killer. I think it's 358 00:15:15,780 --> 00:15:18,150 S3: a more of an affectionate way. She wants to protect 359 00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:21,300 S3: me or something like that. But I was very scared 360 00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:24,090 S3: because two months ago, ASUP decided to get that too. 361 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,030 S3: This is his first tattoo in his life. 362 00:15:26,340 --> 00:15:28,500 S2: W. The tattoo is one of 363 00:15:28,740 --> 00:15:32,040 S3: stick is a slip of wagyu beef. OK, I don't 364 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,230 S3: know why. He's very interesting. Don't ask me. 365 00:15:34,530 --> 00:15:36,450 S1: It's going to be a menu. Oh, yeah, yeah. 366 00:15:36,450 --> 00:15:38,130 S3: Yeah, he was a bull crap all day. OK, anyway, 367 00:15:38,490 --> 00:15:40,710 S1: so he he decided to get a tattoo. This was 368 00:15:40,710 --> 00:15:42,420 S1: his own decision. OK. OK, not 369 00:15:42,420 --> 00:15:44,910 S3: because I have tattoos, but I was afraid that because 370 00:15:44,910 --> 00:15:46,990 S3: I have tattoos, his parents would think that I could 371 00:15:47,270 --> 00:15:48,960 S1: him getting it. So I told 372 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,970 S3: him, Can you please hide it from your parents or whatever? 373 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:54,090 S3: I'm very scared that they were just me. So he said, OK, fine. 374 00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:56,430 S3: That night dinner, he was like, Eh, 375 00:15:56,460 --> 00:15:58,980 S1: I got that too. And before your thing 376 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,650 S3: is not, Jamie asked me to go, Oh. 377 00:16:03,060 --> 00:16:06,130 S1: Oh, I agree. I was so embarrassed, I was like, 378 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:09,740 S1: I guess I if I think is what's out. So 379 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,420 S1: I also want to do one thing that sold me out. 380 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,060 S2: But this will see, though he wants to be honest 381 00:16:15,060 --> 00:16:17,430 S2: with his parents, but at the same time, he protects you. 382 00:16:17,460 --> 00:16:18,300 S2: You know what I mean? 383 00:16:18,330 --> 00:16:21,090 S1: Yes. But I also wanted it to be more discreet 384 00:16:22,290 --> 00:16:22,890 S2: for the parents. 385 00:16:23,530 --> 00:16:25,410 S3: Also, they would judge me because I have so many 386 00:16:25,410 --> 00:16:27,980 S3: that to say, then you would think that or because 387 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,940 S3: they were so angry when he found out he had 388 00:16:29,940 --> 00:16:34,260 S3: a tattoo. Yeah. Anyway, then they said, Don't get any 389 00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:37,490 S3: more idea, is it? No, I'm going to get more. Yeah, 390 00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:41,660 S3: these kind of people. Yeah. So the fear of being judged, 391 00:16:41,670 --> 00:16:44,130 S3: I think that's where it comes from because you know 392 00:16:44,130 --> 00:16:46,040 S3: what they like and what they don't like and you 393 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,040 S3: want to upset them. 394 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,250 S2: So he has the clarity team thoughts about their fear 395 00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:53,580 S2: of being labeled by the in-laws. OK, so this person says, 396 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,140 S2: I didn't know what to do with my laundry when 397 00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:57,870 S2: I move in with my in-laws. It was so to 398 00:16:57,870 --> 00:17:00,510 S2: ask my mother in law to wash my undergarments, even 399 00:17:00,510 --> 00:17:03,120 S2: though she has two daughters of her own that have 400 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:06,270 S2: moved out already. So I wash my own undies in 401 00:17:06,270 --> 00:17:08,760 S2: the toilet. I'll bring it back home to my parents 402 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:09,689 S2: home to wash it. 403 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,639 S3: I think what she did is right. 404 00:17:11,970 --> 00:17:13,740 S2: Yes. I would never put my mother in law to 405 00:17:13,740 --> 00:17:14,760 S2: wash my undergarments. 406 00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:16,889 S1: And I think if that is true, is true. 407 00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:20,280 S2: I sometimes got the laser. Everything a kinky. Yeah. 408 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:31,200 S1: Hey. Know this guy. He's just I regret I regret any. 409 00:17:31,590 --> 00:17:31,980 S1: But OK, 410 00:17:32,490 --> 00:17:35,480 S3: this happened to me before in phase one of the relationship. 411 00:17:35,490 --> 00:17:37,410 S3: So she would always say like, Oh, you can use 412 00:17:37,410 --> 00:17:39,540 S3: my toilet because there's a guy's toilet, which is for 413 00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:41,700 S3: him in his bed, then her toilet is just for, 414 00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:44,850 S3: you know, the friend that so I use her bathroom. 415 00:17:44,970 --> 00:17:48,630 S3: Then I threw my pet away in her little dustbin. 416 00:17:48,770 --> 00:17:51,720 S3: Then she was very upset that I threw it away 417 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,750 S3: in her dustbin and not like upset. But to me 418 00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:56,520 S3: at home and I use my bathroom, the dust means 419 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,260 S3: for me to throw away, right? So I was very 420 00:17:58,260 --> 00:18:01,379 S3: confused by that whole situation. And that was something that 421 00:18:01,410 --> 00:18:04,330 S3: made me very fearful in the first phase of like 422 00:18:04,380 --> 00:18:06,449 S3: using anything of hers or, you know, being in her 423 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:07,139 S3: space or anything. 424 00:18:07,619 --> 00:18:09,810 S2: But how did she convey to you that she was upset? 425 00:18:09,990 --> 00:18:12,210 S3: Well, this was years ago, really. I think it was 426 00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:13,820 S3: through Lisa. 427 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:16,560 S2: Yeah. Correct. And this is a nice way to get 428 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:17,610 S2: it across to you, you know. 429 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,679 S3: True, true. True. I think maybe I should have rep 430 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,900 S3: it or something like that. But yeah, if if you 431 00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:23,730 S3: guys have mother in laws and you use the bathrooms, 432 00:18:23,730 --> 00:18:24,869 S3: please don't throw your pet. 433 00:18:25,380 --> 00:18:31,380 S1: Bring it back home. Yeah. Yeah. Good to shoot. Yeah. 434 00:18:31,410 --> 00:18:34,199 S1: Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. OK, OK. Oh, so now you 435 00:18:34,210 --> 00:18:36,119 S1: know Dave having women. 436 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:40,230 S2: OK, so another member of the Claroty team, she's it. 437 00:18:40,350 --> 00:18:42,540 S2: I think I take comments very differently when it comes 438 00:18:42,540 --> 00:18:45,389 S2: to my own family versus my boyfriend's family. If I'm 439 00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:47,400 S2: wearing something and my parents have something to say about it, 440 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,850 S2: I usually don't feel anything and remain confident about my choices. 441 00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:54,540 S2: So mean. But when I hear from my boyfriend that 442 00:18:54,540 --> 00:18:57,719 S2: his parents comment that that yogurt is quite bulldog for 443 00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:01,230 S2: dressing like this, even though they have no ill intentions, 444 00:19:01,530 --> 00:19:04,949 S2: next time I feel extra pressure to dress more conservative. 445 00:19:05,530 --> 00:19:08,129 S3: Oh, we just have to say this member of our 446 00:19:08,130 --> 00:19:09,780 S3: clarity team is like a model 447 00:19:09,780 --> 00:19:13,830 S1: is like a Model Y model. She is so fashion. 448 00:19:13,830 --> 00:19:15,629 S1: You have no idea if this one, my daughter in 449 00:19:15,630 --> 00:19:18,420 S1: law walked into my house when I was proposed to her. 450 00:19:19,380 --> 00:19:22,440 S1: Can you marry my Seibel? But I understand 451 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,300 S3: what she means because with your own parents, you're like, I, 452 00:19:25,619 --> 00:19:27,750 S3: you know, let me wear what I want, but you 453 00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:29,699 S3: can't do that to other people's parents. You have to 454 00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:30,720 S3: treat them with respect. 455 00:19:30,780 --> 00:19:34,050 S1: That's right. It is difficult. Actually, my it's the opposite 456 00:19:34,050 --> 00:19:35,310 S1: of what 457 00:19:36,570 --> 00:19:38,340 S2: you want to do. Dress less conservative 458 00:19:38,340 --> 00:19:43,860 S1: no longer than OK. Because my thing is not if 459 00:19:43,859 --> 00:19:46,990 S1: you don't know me. Maybe if Cardi B's your mother 460 00:19:46,990 --> 00:19:51,300 S1: in Cardi B credit. Good. OK, so usually I try 461 00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:54,230 S1: to be a bit more conservative and I'm going over. OK, 462 00:19:54,270 --> 00:19:59,160 S1: I try sometimes still got like, you know, like all, oh, 463 00:19:59,220 --> 00:20:01,320 S1: my mother would make noise like, Oh, a mother will 464 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,690 S1: make noise and be like, Can you wear like Papa 465 00:20:03,690 --> 00:20:05,970 S1: B or not? As in other days, you won't say, 466 00:20:05,970 --> 00:20:08,430 S1: but because if she knows I'm going over, then she'll 467 00:20:08,430 --> 00:20:11,910 S1: be like, Can you dress more appropriately? So sometimes I 468 00:20:11,970 --> 00:20:14,820 S1: the goal. All right? Or let's say I didn't intend 469 00:20:14,820 --> 00:20:17,970 S1: on going over. OK, so I didn't dress for the occasion, 470 00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:22,050 S1: and then I'll be like, Oh, but it won't be like, Oh, 471 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,649 S1: it's fine, it's fine. I'll be like, Are you sure 472 00:20:24,810 --> 00:20:27,540 S1: that I see anything or not? How do you want 473 00:20:27,630 --> 00:20:29,940 S1: to know something is OK? But you still feel a 474 00:20:29,940 --> 00:20:31,780 S1: bit like insecure 475 00:20:32,609 --> 00:20:35,109 S2: because of what our mothers have been telling us. I 476 00:20:35,130 --> 00:20:37,280 S2: don't dress like that. I go to people's houses. 477 00:20:37,980 --> 00:20:40,149 S3: My mother won't say, like, can you wear my clothes? 478 00:20:40,170 --> 00:20:43,900 S3: She would say, You're not call me. You're not cool, man, darling. 479 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,780 S3: She always taught me that same thing, and I always 480 00:20:45,780 --> 00:20:48,150 S3: reply her. The studio got jacket. She but I do 481 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:50,159 S3: give some thought to what I wear because when I 482 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,500 S3: see my in-laws, I usually want to dress like cute 483 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,720 S3: because she will always see me if I'm dressing in 484 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:55,379 S3: something correctly. 485 00:20:55,410 --> 00:21:00,870 S1: But I you see for your kids, they can't. 486 00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:03,580 S3: Oh, to get compliments from 487 00:21:05,050 --> 00:21:08,530 S1: 20:00, these are the guys who give validation. It's nice 488 00:21:08,530 --> 00:21:09,820 S1: to be loved. It is. 489 00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:12,369 S2: It is. It is. OK, what about the assumption that 490 00:21:12,369 --> 00:21:15,609 S2: mother in laws are evil the to get you the threat? 491 00:21:16,570 --> 00:21:17,860 S3: I think this is the one that we see most 492 00:21:17,859 --> 00:21:19,169 S3: in dramas, movies, 493 00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:22,780 S2: for example, Crazy Rich Asians. Nick Young was forced to 494 00:21:23,050 --> 00:21:26,700 S2: break up with Rachel because of his mother. Correct? Why 495 00:21:26,710 --> 00:21:28,210 S2: that mother in law's nasty man? 496 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,510 S3: But do you believe that exist? That actually brings me 497 00:21:31,510 --> 00:21:33,970 S3: to the next kind of mother in law where where 498 00:21:33,970 --> 00:21:36,879 S3: you know that they have expectations of what daughter in 499 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,970 S3: law should be like or cook clean that care of 500 00:21:39,970 --> 00:21:42,220 S3: the son and all that. But I feel like things 501 00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:45,490 S3: have really changed. Did any of your mother in law 502 00:21:45,580 --> 00:21:48,470 S3: expect you guys to cook or clean or NOLA? 503 00:21:48,490 --> 00:21:51,760 S2: I think Jordan's mama, last time she really wanted me 504 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:53,530 S2: to not cook it. I poisoned the 505 00:21:55,310 --> 00:21:59,169 S1: top of the balcony. Oh dear. 506 00:21:59,410 --> 00:22:00,940 S3: Oh, but clean, can I bought you 507 00:22:00,940 --> 00:22:05,010 S1: the vacuum cleaner? My future? My mom will be very happy. 508 00:22:05,230 --> 00:22:07,930 S1: You know, I know how these if I can. Yeah, 509 00:22:08,230 --> 00:22:08,350 S1: but 510 00:22:08,350 --> 00:22:10,169 S2: I can't even cook rice line up as she moved it. 511 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,830 S1: I will be very recently learned how to cook eggs. 512 00:22:12,850 --> 00:22:15,190 S2: Yeah, I know, I know. I know I can buy 513 00:22:15,190 --> 00:22:16,050 S2: them hazy 514 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:17,430 S1: at this ULA. 515 00:22:18,530 --> 00:22:21,250 S3: OK, but yeah, I think, you know they're awesome. But 516 00:22:21,250 --> 00:22:23,889 S3: they lost. It would expect the daughter-in-law to act a 517 00:22:23,890 --> 00:22:27,160 S3: certain way and to be the most submissive one when 518 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,679 S3: it comes to the relationship. But I think I was 519 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,930 S3: lucky in a sense. Where is this? Mom is the 520 00:22:31,930 --> 00:22:34,510 S3: only female in the family. She was treated like a 521 00:22:34,510 --> 00:22:38,410 S3: queen from the get go like she is the queen. 522 00:22:38,770 --> 00:22:40,840 S3: Anything that she wants, she gets from the Sun and 523 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,880 S3: from that which I love. I also want to be queen, right? 524 00:22:43,390 --> 00:22:46,510 S3: So I never had the expectation. But when I used 525 00:22:46,510 --> 00:22:48,280 S3: to stay over at his house when we were dating, 526 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:49,960 S3: I would make his bed and I never, ever make 527 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,060 S3: my own bed. Oh, I would try to make an 528 00:22:52,060 --> 00:22:55,210 S3: effort to show that I can be, you know, 529 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,840 S1: I think it's also like, Chris, you're in someone else's house, right? 530 00:22:59,050 --> 00:23:02,859 S1: I was just being nice or just cleaning after yourself, 531 00:23:02,859 --> 00:23:04,179 S1: which I think it's OK and it 532 00:23:04,180 --> 00:23:05,860 S2: reflects well on the self. 533 00:23:05,890 --> 00:23:06,880 S1: Oh, cool. 534 00:23:07,390 --> 00:23:09,670 S3: Every time, like I am in a conversation with them, 535 00:23:09,670 --> 00:23:12,040 S3: I try to be as polite as possible, engage them 536 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,590 S3: in a conversation. I don't even do that for my 537 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:14,250 S3: own parents. 538 00:23:14,420 --> 00:23:18,700 S1: Correct. Correct. You mom that meal. They've never seen anything, 539 00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:21,430 S1: you know, and they've never expected anything. But I get 540 00:23:21,460 --> 00:23:24,640 S1: insecure and I get a bit like, Oh, are they 541 00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,940 S1: just not saying, you know, maybe they think it like, 542 00:23:27,940 --> 00:23:31,480 S1: I'm not doing enough, especially, okay. So basically this another 543 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,680 S1: daughter in law that came before me. And uh oh, 544 00:23:34,900 --> 00:23:39,420 S1: I said an older. Oh dear, you gave me a scare. 545 00:23:39,430 --> 00:23:44,350 S1: You know my brother's wife. OK, thank you. No, no, no, no, no, no. 546 00:23:44,650 --> 00:23:47,020 S1: Older brother's wife. And for me, right? She's like the 547 00:23:47,020 --> 00:23:49,330 S1: perfect daughter in law that oh, India. Also, because they 548 00:23:49,330 --> 00:23:51,940 S1: live close by. So because they're there every day. So 549 00:23:51,940 --> 00:23:54,359 S1: I feel like, well, maybe I'm not going over enough. Okay? 550 00:23:54,490 --> 00:23:57,369 S1: Unless she she really cooks and she will said something. 551 00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,950 S1: I've never done that in two years but didn't ever 552 00:23:59,950 --> 00:24:02,200 S1: say anything, and I don't think to expect that line 553 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:05,680 S1: or it's not a competition. Obviously, it's not. But you 554 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:06,850 S1: feel like, wow, maybe 555 00:24:06,970 --> 00:24:08,070 S2: I should be doing more. 556 00:24:08,109 --> 00:24:09,660 S1: Oh, don't say that. 557 00:24:09,670 --> 00:24:11,500 S3: I mean, you have your qualities. 558 00:24:11,670 --> 00:24:13,830 S2: Yeah. And you make up to them in your own ways. 559 00:24:14,020 --> 00:24:14,950 S1: Yeah, you're so fashionable. 560 00:24:14,950 --> 00:24:16,570 S2: You know this you that beauty. 561 00:24:18,790 --> 00:24:21,219 S3: Oh, but definitely, you know, each person has different qualities 562 00:24:21,220 --> 00:24:23,469 S3: and obviously you make a great first impression on your 563 00:24:23,470 --> 00:24:25,900 S3: mother in law, right? For her to like you and 564 00:24:25,900 --> 00:24:28,330 S3: be best friends with your mom. Are you OK? Let 565 00:24:28,330 --> 00:24:30,580 S3: me tell you this story from one of our listeners 566 00:24:30,580 --> 00:24:33,340 S3: who actually wrote in that is not so much on 567 00:24:33,340 --> 00:24:36,760 S3: the positive side. OK, OK. After marrying into my husband's family, 568 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:39,280 S3: I'm expected to dress a certain way. So I don't 569 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:43,720 S3: look like a slut. My way of speaking my mannerism 570 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:48,219 S3: and everything has been very heavily criticized by my in-laws. Thankfully, 571 00:24:48,220 --> 00:24:50,740 S3: I have a supportive husband, but it has been really 572 00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:51,820 S3: a rollercoaster ride. 573 00:24:52,570 --> 00:24:53,859 S2: Can you imagine if the husband was a. 574 00:24:54,609 --> 00:24:55,540 S1: Great. Wow. 575 00:24:55,750 --> 00:24:58,780 S3: Well, the things going exactly. And I feel like in 576 00:24:58,780 --> 00:25:01,540 S3: a situation like Vanessa's right, the sad thing is that 577 00:25:01,540 --> 00:25:05,140 S3: first impressions really do count in the last. So you 578 00:25:05,140 --> 00:25:07,800 S3: can go in brazenly to your in-laws and just ex 579 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:11,650 S3: however you want. Unfortunately, for the first two years at least, 580 00:25:11,670 --> 00:25:14,530 S3: I would say you have to walk on eggshells left agree. 581 00:25:14,710 --> 00:25:16,420 S3: No matter how comfortable you are with them, 582 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:19,120 S2: fully agree, fully agree. And I think this isn't just 583 00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:21,730 S2: between daughter in law, mother in law. First impressions is everywhere, 584 00:25:21,730 --> 00:25:24,370 S2: even when you meet your other half. First impressions matter. 585 00:25:24,490 --> 00:25:26,510 S2: So we all know the significance of it. 586 00:25:26,530 --> 00:25:29,169 S1: I think there's a reason why people see sometimes like 587 00:25:29,170 --> 00:25:31,510 S1: when you're marrying someone, you're not just marrying them. You 588 00:25:31,510 --> 00:25:35,500 S1: made the entire family. Exactly. Or so I think taking 589 00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:37,760 S1: that into account as much as you do, we wonder 590 00:25:37,780 --> 00:25:39,720 S1: and a lot of things that we have set right 591 00:25:39,790 --> 00:25:42,220 S1: is promoting, you know, being a self, being true to 592 00:25:42,220 --> 00:25:44,379 S1: yourself and things like that. But I think as much 593 00:25:44,380 --> 00:25:46,600 S1: as you want that, there's also a fine line and 594 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:51,880 S1: there's also the. Just being considerate, being polite and knowing 595 00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:54,189 S1: that at the end of the day, you're still sort 596 00:25:54,190 --> 00:25:57,730 S1: of in the tough and you want to adapt as 597 00:25:57,730 --> 00:26:00,400 S1: much as you want him to accept you. I think 598 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:02,760 S1: you have to also. So sort of like me in 599 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,610 S1: the middle there, things that you don't usually do, it's 600 00:26:05,609 --> 00:26:08,220 S1: not being a hypocrite if you do it now. It's 601 00:26:08,220 --> 00:26:09,270 S1: just meeting the middle, 602 00:26:09,390 --> 00:26:12,000 S3: just being respectful. And I think that when it comes 603 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,419 S3: to your in-laws, Mary, that a family is right. Everyone 604 00:26:15,420 --> 00:26:18,660 S3: comes with baggage. If their baggage is their family, then 605 00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:20,670 S3: you just need to make your peace with that. Is 606 00:26:20,670 --> 00:26:22,830 S3: it worth being with him because some people are really 607 00:26:22,830 --> 00:26:25,440 S3: in a situation where the in-laws are very unreasonable? But 608 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:26,370 S3: that's just their baggage. 609 00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:29,400 S2: So do you think there's a difference in expectation when 610 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:32,070 S2: it comes to being this person's girlfriend and when you 611 00:26:32,070 --> 00:26:34,760 S2: finally get into the family and become his wife? That's 612 00:26:34,770 --> 00:26:34,980 S2: all right. 613 00:26:35,250 --> 00:26:36,419 S1: Oh, actually, some of 614 00:26:36,420 --> 00:26:40,080 S3: the best both sides of this when girlfriend and married, right? Well, 615 00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:43,740 S3: you expect in a different way or like pressured about grandkids, 616 00:26:43,740 --> 00:26:44,010 S3: but 617 00:26:44,010 --> 00:26:44,470 S2: she knows 618 00:26:44,490 --> 00:26:48,780 S1: she's spiritually been or thankfully not there. I think maybe 619 00:26:48,780 --> 00:26:50,370 S1: I'm not the best person to ask because I'm like 620 00:26:50,369 --> 00:26:55,770 S1: this where I'm like, She's like Asra, but also because 621 00:26:55,770 --> 00:26:57,690 S1: I'm so thankful that my mother in law is so 622 00:26:57,690 --> 00:27:00,060 S1: good to me. They're really very good to me, and 623 00:27:00,060 --> 00:27:02,730 S1: they've taken me in since day one as their own. 624 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,640 S1: I mean, I haven't ever set this up, but like 625 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:08,520 S1: a few months into the relationship after they first met 626 00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:10,619 S1: me a few months in, she walked of and brought 627 00:27:10,619 --> 00:27:15,420 S1: me a bit. Oh what? Oh wow. She was the 628 00:27:15,420 --> 00:27:20,030 S1: luxury lad. This is my gosh. Oh, oh, incredible. Oh, 629 00:27:20,050 --> 00:27:23,310 S1: do you feel pressurised by her back back? Oh, have you? 630 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:27,240 S1: You should. I have never, actually. Hey, as 631 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:29,710 S2: friends are and this has a good life. We're telling you, 632 00:27:29,710 --> 00:27:34,859 S1: Yusuf, by up in of coming. Oh, by habit. Oh, OK. 633 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,730 S2: But they're so sweet. Oh, maybe she 634 00:27:38,730 --> 00:27:41,939 S3: wanted to help her son out with securing the back 635 00:27:42,150 --> 00:27:43,230 S3: by buying you a bag? 636 00:27:44,100 --> 00:27:49,690 S1: It worked. Excuse me. She knows the way to your heart. 637 00:27:49,710 --> 00:27:54,420 S1: Better than your husband because she loves Becks, too. Oh, 638 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,510 S1: so a difference. I think between before and after. I 639 00:27:57,510 --> 00:28:01,409 S1: don't really think so. OK, maybe this is just me, 640 00:28:01,410 --> 00:28:05,910 S1: but sometimes you get vibes. Ish. But it's a bit 641 00:28:05,910 --> 00:28:08,270 S1: hot for you to do anything about it, you know? 642 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:11,609 S1: I mean, so for me, I feel like maybe they 643 00:28:11,609 --> 00:28:14,670 S1: want me there more fun or they want me with 644 00:28:14,670 --> 00:28:19,140 S1: the family more often because they're very family ish. And 645 00:28:19,140 --> 00:28:22,080 S1: I didn't really grew up that way. Like, I live 646 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:25,710 S1: with my mother, I can do CFO Week, and that's fine. 647 00:28:25,859 --> 00:28:26,740 S3: Now you live your own life, 648 00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:29,880 S1: the correct cooing, but they are like, must sit down 649 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:33,940 S1: together and everything must do together must get I, that 650 00:28:33,940 --> 00:28:36,270 S1: kind of thing. Oh, very nice. But I think it 651 00:28:36,270 --> 00:28:39,600 S1: was a bit hot for me to adapt as well because, 652 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:44,400 S1: like all my men, different culture. But no, it's been 653 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:46,860 S1: very understanding in such a way like you asked me 654 00:28:46,860 --> 00:28:50,180 S1: every week, like because my weekends are roasted, right? So 655 00:28:50,190 --> 00:28:51,960 S1: you asked me every week like, Oh, where are you 656 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:53,130 S1: working this weekend? 657 00:28:53,130 --> 00:28:56,720 S2: Why are most stressful? A there is. It is suffocating 658 00:28:56,730 --> 00:28:58,910 S2: like they would think. Not like when you're on, chefs 659 00:28:59,340 --> 00:29:00,920 S1: know that they want to support you. Let me think 660 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,180 S1: not love, but they want to know if I'm working 661 00:29:03,180 --> 00:29:06,250 S1: on Saturday that, oh, maybe you can come on Sunday to, like, 662 00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:09,610 S1: eat or like that. OK, OK. 663 00:29:09,780 --> 00:29:11,730 S2: So I have a story from a friend is so 664 00:29:11,730 --> 00:29:14,550 S2: positive that is negative. I kid you not look. So 665 00:29:14,550 --> 00:29:18,240 S2: this friend is in Taiwan. She's a girl. So after 666 00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:20,969 S2: marrying to the family, she moved into the house right 667 00:29:20,970 --> 00:29:24,330 S2: with the guy and her mother in law is so nice, 668 00:29:24,330 --> 00:29:27,570 S2: so nice. It is suffocating to extend it. She always 669 00:29:27,570 --> 00:29:30,630 S2: offers to make her breakfast, make her bread. But if 670 00:29:30,630 --> 00:29:33,020 S2: she's fighting for what she would tell them all day is, OK, 671 00:29:33,030 --> 00:29:35,440 S2: tomorrow I don't eat breakfast. She was, do you see 672 00:29:35,460 --> 00:29:38,010 S2: her on the table? And she was few prejudice. She 673 00:29:38,010 --> 00:29:39,630 S2: has to take it with her. She has to force 674 00:29:39,630 --> 00:29:41,370 S2: herself to eat it because she's not going to throw 675 00:29:41,370 --> 00:29:44,160 S2: it away and waste food, right? And another thing is 676 00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:46,380 S2: if the mother in law makes a cup of milk 677 00:29:46,380 --> 00:29:49,080 S2: and after drinking it, she washes the cup. And then 678 00:29:49,290 --> 00:29:51,330 S2: there was one time after watching the cup, she put 679 00:29:51,330 --> 00:29:53,520 S2: it back. She went to use the toilet. After she 680 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:55,620 S2: come back out, she noticed the mother in law be 681 00:29:55,620 --> 00:29:58,410 S2: washing the cup that she just washed. And of course, 682 00:29:58,410 --> 00:30:01,020 S2: the mother in law is nice enough to not tell, 683 00:30:01,020 --> 00:30:03,780 S2: and the mother didn't expect her to come forward and 684 00:30:03,810 --> 00:30:05,820 S2: see her actually washing the cup that she just was 685 00:30:05,820 --> 00:30:07,920 S2: by the mother. Law has a set of her own 686 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:10,350 S2: expectations that she feels like the daughter in law cannot 687 00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:12,600 S2: meet beat when it comes to cleanliness of the car 688 00:30:12,630 --> 00:30:14,730 S2: or taking care of a body or guest and all 689 00:30:14,730 --> 00:30:18,000 S2: that kind of thing. But she feels so stifled. She 690 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:19,950 S2: thinks I really want a cop. Why do you have 691 00:30:19,950 --> 00:30:21,900 S2: to me wash it? I will tell you, I don't. 692 00:30:22,170 --> 00:30:24,060 S2: Why do you still give me but have it? Or 693 00:30:24,060 --> 00:30:25,950 S2: you start dinner without me? But I still come home 694 00:30:25,950 --> 00:30:28,830 S2: seeing the whole family sitting down waiting for me. She 695 00:30:28,830 --> 00:30:31,760 S2: feels like so stressed up. This is it is so positive. 696 00:30:32,010 --> 00:30:34,440 S2: Is negative. I don't know if this is a good 697 00:30:34,590 --> 00:30:35,420 S2: problem to have. 698 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:38,040 S3: What would you choose this kind of situation or the 699 00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:40,200 S3: kind where they criticize you to your face? 700 00:30:40,230 --> 00:30:43,110 S1: Oh, this situation many times I would rather think my 701 00:30:43,110 --> 00:30:49,290 S1: brain about the shut up. Yeah. If you do be 702 00:30:49,290 --> 00:30:51,660 S1: angry at it because, you know, she did our love, 703 00:30:51,660 --> 00:30:55,960 S1: you know, but then you also feel suffocating. It's very difficult. Yeah. Oh, 704 00:30:56,130 --> 00:30:56,520 S1: I think 705 00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:59,969 S3: also what could be even more complicated is, for example, 706 00:30:59,980 --> 00:31:02,180 S3: has this whole situation where you. Or mother in law 707 00:31:02,180 --> 00:31:05,270 S3: didn't approve of you because of religion. That is a really, 708 00:31:05,270 --> 00:31:07,880 S3: really difficult situation to be in, especially if you're in 709 00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:12,350 S3: an interracial interfaith relationship, right? Yeah. So I think if 710 00:31:12,350 --> 00:31:14,630 S3: you are attached to someone who is of a different 711 00:31:14,630 --> 00:31:18,290 S3: faith than you, you need to educate yourself. Do research 712 00:31:18,290 --> 00:31:21,740 S3: and understand what is appropriate in that culture in that 713 00:31:21,740 --> 00:31:22,460 S3: field and know 714 00:31:22,460 --> 00:31:25,880 S2: what you're in for. Group ended a relationship will need 715 00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:27,590 S2: to have yourself hurt. Your partner should 716 00:31:27,710 --> 00:31:31,340 S3: think. So how do we build a good relationship with 717 00:31:31,340 --> 00:31:31,970 S3: our in-laws? 718 00:31:32,030 --> 00:31:34,400 S2: So to all listeners who are listening, maybe I know 719 00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:37,730 S2: some of us aren't so lucky like Asra and Jazmine, right? 720 00:31:38,270 --> 00:31:40,100 S2: Who knows? Maybe my future mother in law would be 721 00:31:40,100 --> 00:31:43,030 S2: a tough nut to crack as well? Yeah, hopefully not. 722 00:31:43,380 --> 00:31:47,150 S1: She's the perfect alternate to. Can you marry my son? 723 00:31:48,350 --> 00:31:49,910 S1: I love the way. How long? We're well, 724 00:31:52,070 --> 00:31:54,320 S2: OK. So what are some tips that we can share? 725 00:31:54,470 --> 00:31:57,979 S3: I think you need to understand the dynamics of their family. 726 00:31:57,980 --> 00:32:00,750 S3: That's very important, right? How often do they meet like 727 00:32:00,860 --> 00:32:03,770 S3: Aseries Husband's family, where they're very close knit? If they are, 728 00:32:03,770 --> 00:32:05,660 S3: you might have to make some sacrifices in your own 729 00:32:05,660 --> 00:32:08,600 S3: life to meet them a bit more regularly. Yeah. And 730 00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:13,130 S3: understand the boundaries as well between your family, you and 731 00:32:13,130 --> 00:32:15,020 S3: them and how you can make that work. 732 00:32:15,590 --> 00:32:18,590 S2: I think communication is key. Be in the form of 733 00:32:18,590 --> 00:32:21,260 S2: a WhatsApp group chat or like face to face. I mean, 734 00:32:21,260 --> 00:32:23,060 S2: worse comes to worse. I think you should talk to 735 00:32:23,060 --> 00:32:26,180 S2: your partner about anything that you're uncomfortable with and get 736 00:32:26,180 --> 00:32:29,240 S2: them to politely convey the message to their parents. 737 00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:34,130 S1: Honestly, I feel like as best as possible, it would 738 00:32:34,130 --> 00:32:37,520 S1: be great if you can not live with them. I 739 00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:39,640 S1: think that saves relationships. 740 00:32:39,690 --> 00:32:41,780 S2: Yeah, yeah, I see where you're coming from. 741 00:32:41,900 --> 00:32:44,630 S3: For some people, it's not a choice. But if you can, 742 00:32:44,630 --> 00:32:47,360 S1: if you can, I think that would be a good 743 00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:51,020 S1: thing to do. Although I am still living my bed space, 744 00:32:51,170 --> 00:32:53,500 S1: my mother who she really loves even more than me. 745 00:32:53,870 --> 00:32:56,570 S1: In fact, yesterday one just point that out. So every 746 00:32:56,570 --> 00:33:00,230 S1: time we walk in the door, everyone goes, Hello, hello darling, 747 00:33:00,590 --> 00:33:08,780 S1: and hello. Yeah, hello. And it was like, I think 748 00:33:08,870 --> 00:33:09,070 S1: your 749 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:11,540 S3: honor is he knows that he's a sweetie pie. He 750 00:33:11,540 --> 00:33:12,320 S3: knows how to make your mom. 751 00:33:12,410 --> 00:33:17,120 S1: I love him as a hello. Oh, really, this is 752 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:17,520 S1: a killer. 753 00:33:17,540 --> 00:33:20,120 S3: Your mom loves you less. When she cried during K-drama, 754 00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:23,680 S3: she calls you another one. So she loves you. Like 755 00:33:23,690 --> 00:33:27,290 S3: to a certain extent. Yeah, communication is really important. Accuses 756 00:33:27,290 --> 00:33:30,560 S3: it because no family is perfect, right? But if you 757 00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:32,900 S3: and your partner on the same page and you guys 758 00:33:32,900 --> 00:33:35,030 S3: can go in that same picture to the family, I 759 00:33:35,030 --> 00:33:37,700 S3: think that will give you the best chance possible. And 760 00:33:37,700 --> 00:33:41,260 S3: if not, right? Shower them with gifts. So even though, yeah, 761 00:33:41,270 --> 00:33:43,250 S3: even though I've been in a relationship which is of 762 00:33:43,250 --> 00:33:45,770 S3: so many years, they obviously approve of me, right? Every 763 00:33:45,770 --> 00:33:47,840 S3: week when I see them, I bring them something. It 764 00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:50,060 S3: doesn't matter what it's one be, it could be hair conditional. 765 00:33:50,090 --> 00:33:52,520 S3: One we it could be, you know, the flower soap thing. 766 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,190 S1: I bought my full for her. She was over the 767 00:33:55,190 --> 00:33:59,760 S1: Moon that it's only about $4. $5, she is like. Q, 768 00:33:59,970 --> 00:34:04,650 S1: I don't let the user know you go, you 769 00:34:05,490 --> 00:34:07,350 S3: shower them with Q stays the secret. 770 00:34:07,740 --> 00:34:11,160 S1: Oh, that's nice. I think maybe this doesn't apply to 771 00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:14,130 S1: just daughter in law, but both sides of it, whichever 772 00:34:14,130 --> 00:34:16,319 S1: side is getting on. I think your partner is very, 773 00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:19,440 S1: very important because you are really the bridge between your 774 00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:21,370 S1: own family and your partner. That's right. 775 00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:23,880 S3: All the awkward thing is that Azoff is the bridge 776 00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:25,110 S3: for me and my family. 777 00:34:25,290 --> 00:34:27,690 S1: This incredible, incredible. He's had 778 00:34:29,700 --> 00:34:33,930 S2: one moment. He's special, one moment he's here. OK, so 779 00:34:33,930 --> 00:34:35,730 S2: for this episode, we wanted to get more point of 780 00:34:35,730 --> 00:34:38,520 S2: views from women in their mid to late 20s. So 781 00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:41,430 S2: we actually collected some advice from the Gravity team on 782 00:34:41,430 --> 00:34:44,670 S2: how to deal with your in-laws, especially mother in laws. 783 00:34:45,390 --> 00:34:48,460 S3: OK, so first one is our deal model. OK, OK. 784 00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:51,630 S3: She says you should engage them in conversation as much 785 00:34:51,630 --> 00:34:53,790 S3: as you can, joke with them and agree with them 786 00:34:53,790 --> 00:34:57,390 S3: and be attentive and proactive. For example, if they're going 787 00:34:57,390 --> 00:34:59,100 S3: to clean up, even if they don't want you to 788 00:34:59,100 --> 00:34:59,850 S3: clean up, you have to 789 00:34:59,850 --> 00:35:01,840 S1: offer, yeah, awesome. 790 00:35:02,070 --> 00:35:04,080 S3: But for me, I would just say, Hey, can I? 791 00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:05,250 S3: How can I help? I know they do want me 792 00:35:05,250 --> 00:35:07,350 S3: to help. Can I help? The only thing you can 793 00:35:07,350 --> 00:35:08,370 S3: say this offer? OK. 794 00:35:09,370 --> 00:35:12,360 S1: I think I scream, but you have to 795 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:13,860 S3: often be polite, you know. I mean, 796 00:35:14,610 --> 00:35:15,629 S2: is the thought that counts, 797 00:35:15,870 --> 00:35:17,310 S1: right? OK, so 798 00:35:17,310 --> 00:35:19,560 S3: oh, and one important thing if your mother in law 799 00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:20,969 S3: cooks always compliment her. 800 00:35:21,270 --> 00:35:25,830 S1: Always, always so delicious and delicious. I mean, I know 801 00:35:25,830 --> 00:35:26,040 S1: one 802 00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:28,380 S2: day and my future daughter in law has the problem 803 00:35:28,380 --> 00:35:28,850 S2: on my foot. 804 00:35:29,500 --> 00:35:33,300 S1: I wanna know, like, how must she live through your 805 00:35:33,300 --> 00:35:38,980 S1: meal at the sea to be a. Correct, correct. Compliment her? 806 00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:42,090 S1: That's right. I was like, Wow, yummy, yummy. And it 807 00:35:42,090 --> 00:35:45,240 S1: made do it. Like if she knows Iran is coming 808 00:35:45,239 --> 00:35:48,200 S1: over and I'm not an issue. Obviously cool like Leslie, 809 00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:52,830 S1: you can for my own slice. Not lucky. Yeah, because 810 00:35:52,830 --> 00:35:54,569 S1: you keep telling her is delicious. All right. But is 811 00:35:54,570 --> 00:35:55,770 S1: it delicious? It is. 812 00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:58,180 S2: OK, I want to go another brother that other than 813 00:35:58,210 --> 00:35:58,569 S2: the brother. 814 00:35:58,980 --> 00:36:07,440 S1: So you don't know either. Oh, OK. So for my son, 815 00:36:09,230 --> 00:36:11,069 S1: this is not, though. Hello. Oh, sorry. 816 00:36:11,310 --> 00:36:14,190 S2: OK, so another member of our committee team sees I'm 817 00:36:14,219 --> 00:36:16,049 S2: not married yet, but what my sister did was to 818 00:36:16,050 --> 00:36:18,270 S2: build a relationship with her mother in law. She would 819 00:36:18,270 --> 00:36:22,230 S2: treat her out for dinner and holidays. So Nisa, she says, 820 00:36:22,230 --> 00:36:24,500 S2: I believe it's those gestures that make her mother laugh, 821 00:36:24,500 --> 00:36:27,150 S2: feel that they have gained a daughter as well. So 822 00:36:27,540 --> 00:36:30,540 S2: in lost love language and making the effort to express that, 823 00:36:30,540 --> 00:36:33,810 S2: it's very important. It is really important in love language. 824 00:36:33,930 --> 00:36:36,330 S3: I think when you meet your in-laws, right, you'll all 825 00:36:36,330 --> 00:36:39,560 S3: just do the quiz. The everybody, you know, everyone. Exactly. 826 00:36:39,750 --> 00:36:40,739 S3: You just go in that direction. 827 00:36:41,250 --> 00:36:42,980 S2: It helps you really sure. 828 00:36:43,140 --> 00:36:45,630 S3: Because if they're if they're lovely, which is quality time, 829 00:36:45,630 --> 00:36:47,350 S3: then you keep buying them gifts. They're like, I don't 830 00:36:47,350 --> 00:36:47,779 S3: want it. 831 00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:49,229 S1: Oh, granny, you just may never meet. 832 00:36:49,590 --> 00:36:52,660 S3: Oh, interesting, OK. Let me send my mother in law. 833 00:36:54,630 --> 00:36:57,090 S1: All right. So another member of a Claroty team, she 834 00:36:57,090 --> 00:36:57,450 S3: said 835 00:36:57,450 --> 00:37:00,660 S1: a woman at the center of the family. So try 836 00:37:00,660 --> 00:37:03,359 S1: to get on the good side. Even the sisters, even 837 00:37:03,370 --> 00:37:06,690 S1: this is their loss. Oh, the sisters. Very important. Yes. 838 00:37:06,730 --> 00:37:08,009 S1: Oh okay. 839 00:37:08,580 --> 00:37:09,149 S3: I don't have 840 00:37:09,150 --> 00:37:11,700 S2: that. Well, my sister joined my family. She's very close 841 00:37:11,700 --> 00:37:14,880 S2: to my elder sister only OK with Mila. But I 842 00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:18,589 S2: think that's enough, really. Oh, not most at the time, correct? 843 00:37:19,250 --> 00:37:21,740 S1: Yeah. You see that because she's close. Your oldest is like, 844 00:37:21,750 --> 00:37:22,590 S1: really helps? Yeah. 845 00:37:22,590 --> 00:37:25,230 S2: Yeah, yeah, it definitely helps. My older sister will help 846 00:37:25,230 --> 00:37:27,480 S2: to speak up when, like my mom keeps offering her 847 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:29,399 S2: food and all that kind of things, you know, and 848 00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:32,890 S2: it's awkward for her to reject my siblings, which is 849 00:37:33,030 --> 00:37:35,070 S2: her husband and my elder sister can come into the 850 00:37:35,070 --> 00:37:35,820 S2: picture to help her. 851 00:37:36,270 --> 00:37:39,750 S3: But then I think respecting what the sister wants is important. 852 00:37:41,250 --> 00:37:42,150 S3: I am the sister, 853 00:37:44,730 --> 00:37:49,469 S1: OK, but this same producer has also said it is 854 00:37:49,469 --> 00:37:51,720 S1: very important that you get to know their family values. 855 00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:55,230 S1: Everybody has a different upbringing that we covered earlier. So 856 00:37:55,230 --> 00:37:58,370 S1: it's very important that you find something common between you 857 00:37:58,380 --> 00:38:01,529 S1: that you can get along and talk about and maybe 858 00:38:01,530 --> 00:38:06,870 S1: do something together. LV bags like Levi's. Mm hmm. OK, OK, OK. 859 00:38:06,870 --> 00:38:08,580 S2: I think all in all, I think this is a 860 00:38:08,580 --> 00:38:11,040 S2: perfect ending to wrap up the episode. It is also 861 00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:14,459 S2: important for us to normalize not having the perfect relationships 862 00:38:14,460 --> 00:38:17,220 S2: with our in-laws or boyfriend's family. Exactly. I mean, 863 00:38:17,219 --> 00:38:19,920 S3: Levi, you might not have a perfect relationship with your 864 00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:22,920 S3: family as you expect it would be perfect, right? With 865 00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:23,610 S3: someone else. 866 00:38:23,670 --> 00:38:26,280 S1: Mm hmm. OK, so girls, what 867 00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:29,520 S3: would your advice be to someone who has yet to 868 00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:32,520 S3: meet their in-laws? Dating or really haven't seen them for 869 00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:33,180 S3: the first time yet? 870 00:38:33,330 --> 00:38:36,480 S2: Dating? Or find out as much as you can from 871 00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:39,540 S2: your other half about his parents, and then just make 872 00:38:39,540 --> 00:38:41,460 S2: sure you go with whatever they like. 873 00:38:41,670 --> 00:38:44,610 S1: I think observing your own partner, you might get a 874 00:38:44,610 --> 00:38:47,219 S1: sense as well. Curtis, you must have gotten those things 875 00:38:47,219 --> 00:38:49,290 S1: from somewhere. Oh, I 876 00:38:49,290 --> 00:38:51,150 S3: would say send them the love line, which Chris 877 00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:53,250 S1: know as your 878 00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:56,430 S3: boyfriend or can do it. Yeah, they're like, Sure, make 879 00:38:56,430 --> 00:38:58,050 S3: them do it and understand them a bit more. 880 00:38:59,050 --> 00:39:00,340 S1: A good thing, you know, that will help. 881 00:39:01,090 --> 00:39:04,390 S3: OK. What about your advice to our listeners who are 882 00:39:04,420 --> 00:39:07,480 S3: in not so good a relationship with their in-laws? 883 00:39:07,750 --> 00:39:10,090 S2: I think I'll say it's never too late to try 884 00:39:10,090 --> 00:39:12,820 S2: to mend it, however hard it is for you to 885 00:39:12,850 --> 00:39:15,489 S2: let your ego down. Set it aside. I think it's 886 00:39:15,489 --> 00:39:19,690 S2: worth a shot for yourself, your husband and your future kids. Hmm. 887 00:39:19,810 --> 00:39:23,020 S1: I think we don't know the extent of your situation. 888 00:39:23,050 --> 00:39:25,300 S1: It could be horrible. You know, it could be something really, 889 00:39:25,300 --> 00:39:28,060 S1: really tough. And it may look like something that is 890 00:39:28,060 --> 00:39:31,120 S1: unsolvable or something that you come out of because at 891 00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:33,640 S1: the end of the day, it's two parties. And while 892 00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:35,650 S1: you can change yourself, you can meet in the middle. 893 00:39:35,650 --> 00:39:37,810 S1: You can even go beyond that middle line. But the 894 00:39:37,810 --> 00:39:41,110 S1: other person, one change is very hot. And you know, honestly, 895 00:39:41,110 --> 00:39:43,920 S1: you can't expect them to change. Also, you can try 896 00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:46,330 S1: and discuss, you can try and find a middle ground, 897 00:39:46,330 --> 00:39:47,770 S1: but I think they 898 00:39:47,770 --> 00:39:49,390 S3: are more set in their ways. 899 00:39:49,630 --> 00:39:52,810 S1: It's true. It's true. So I would say it's very 900 00:39:52,810 --> 00:39:55,629 S1: important that you and your partner in this together. Yes, 901 00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:56,290 S1: I 902 00:39:56,290 --> 00:39:59,620 S3: would say evaluate the situation if you guys are not 903 00:39:59,620 --> 00:40:02,690 S3: so serious yet. Is it a deal breaker for you, right? 904 00:40:02,739 --> 00:40:06,190 S3: Because if it comes to the emotional manipulation and abuse 905 00:40:06,190 --> 00:40:08,560 S3: from your in-laws, there's not a good situation to be 906 00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:12,370 S3: in it. It's as though your own partners abusing you. Yeah. 907 00:40:12,460 --> 00:40:15,520 S3: So even though you should try your best, amend it, 908 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:17,680 S3: but put your your mental health first law 909 00:40:18,070 --> 00:40:20,290 S1: or would fully agree with it. 910 00:40:20,830 --> 00:40:23,560 S3: So is it possible for mother in law and daughter 911 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:25,270 S3: in law to have a great relationship? 912 00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:28,600 S1: Yes. Yes. Yes, it is possible. 913 00:40:28,630 --> 00:40:31,080 S2: Definitely possible. You just have to try to 914 00:40:32,020 --> 00:40:35,190 S1: also be like lightning. Yeah, huh? What la la la 915 00:40:35,330 --> 00:40:36,419 S1: la la la la 916 00:40:36,430 --> 00:40:39,069 S2: la the yellow. Very, very true. All right. With that, 917 00:40:39,070 --> 00:40:41,930 S2: thank you so much for listening to this episode of Clarity. 918 00:40:44,020 --> 00:40:47,230 S2: Don't forget to follow us on Instagram at its climatico. 919 00:40:47,260 --> 00:40:49,690 S3: That's right, and you can also check us out on Spotify, 920 00:40:49,690 --> 00:40:53,440 S3: Apple Podcasts, me listen and turn on the push notification. So, 921 00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:54,970 S3: you know, when new episodes are up 922 00:40:55,060 --> 00:40:57,969 S1: correct, you can drop us message that it's Claire. I'll 923 00:40:57,969 --> 00:41:00,460 S1: come in with what you want to hear your thoughts 924 00:41:00,460 --> 00:41:03,609 S1: on this and things like that. I'm Hazel, I'm a zebra. 925 00:41:03,610 --> 00:41:07,730 S1: And the unique song I love you. I love you. And.