WEBVTT - Why low maintenance friendship is problematic.. 0:00:00.009 --> 0:00:00.709 I say so. 0:00:00.800 --> 0:00:00.959 Hey 0:00:00.959 --> 0:00:02.160 Cesara and I'm Jermaine 0:00:02.160 --> 0:00:04.429 and welcome back to another episode of Clarities. 0:00:06.530 --> 0:00:09.609 Now, today's topic, I think that no matter what age 0:00:09.609 --> 0:00:12.119 you are at, be whether you're a primary school student, 0:00:12.289 --> 0:00:15.850 secondary school student, JC Pay or uni student, or if 0:00:15.850 --> 0:00:17.889 you have been in the workforce for some time, you 0:00:17.889 --> 0:00:19.280 can totally relate. 0:00:19.409 --> 0:00:22.250 That is right. We've talked a lot about friendships in 0:00:22.250 --> 0:00:24.770 the past. We've talked about friendship breakups. You can go 0:00:24.770 --> 0:00:28.090 listen to those episodes, but today we're talking about low 0:00:28.090 --> 0:00:33.019 maintenance friendships. The friends that you don't text all the time, 0:00:33.209 --> 0:00:34.839 you don't see all the time. 0:00:35.119 --> 0:00:37.028 But are still your friends. 0:00:37.139 --> 0:00:39.060 I think effortless is the key word here. 0:00:39.139 --> 0:00:40.900 Effortless is good. We like that, no. 0:00:41.020 --> 0:00:43.430 Actually I feel like our friendship is pretty low maintenance. 0:00:43.540 --> 0:00:44.220 I think 0:00:44.220 --> 0:00:45.939 what we have on the couch here is low maintenance. 0:00:46.860 --> 0:00:49.778 Very true, very true. But what does a low maintenance 0:00:49.779 --> 0:00:53.970 friendship mean to you? So Hazy said effortless. I think 0:00:53.970 --> 0:00:58.450 it's even if you don't speak to each other as 0:00:58.450 --> 0:01:02.250 much or see each other as much, every time you do, 0:01:02.340 --> 0:01:03.590 it feels 0:01:03.639 --> 0:01:06.910 Like nothing has changed, like no time has passed. But 0:01:06.910 --> 0:01:09.790 at the same time, no one is pressuring you amidst 0:01:09.790 --> 0:01:12.550 your daily busy life to like put in more effort, 0:01:12.669 --> 0:01:14.709 you know what I mean? That's why I think friendships 0:01:14.709 --> 0:01:18.669 are a lot easier to maintain than relationships, very different 0:01:18.669 --> 0:01:20.870 friendships are like, oh, you don't have to pander to 0:01:20.870 --> 0:01:22.910 the person all the time, like make sure they're OK. 0:01:23.110 --> 0:01:26.459 You know they're OK, but here's what low maintenance friendships are. 0:01:26.589 --> 0:01:30.940 It requires very little effort, right, little care to keep 0:01:30.940 --> 0:01:32.150 it in good condition. 0:01:32.389 --> 0:01:34.580 So it would be the one where you just don't 0:01:34.580 --> 0:01:37.260 have to do too much to maintain that friendship. Yeah, 0:01:38.019 --> 0:01:40.300 I can accept this in friends but not in my relationship, 0:01:40.500 --> 0:01:43.379 of course, for good reason, right? I have a very 0:01:43.379 --> 0:01:46.300 good friend, we are besties since uni times, right? We 0:01:46.300 --> 0:01:49.790 don't go out very often, maybe like 3 to 4 0:01:49.790 --> 0:01:50.980 times a year. That's OK. 0:01:51.339 --> 0:01:52.940 That's OK. That's normal, 0:01:54.699 --> 0:01:55.110 I feel like 0:01:55.163 --> 0:01:57.502 Too little, like we should be spending more time together. 0:01:57.672 --> 0:01:58.072 We've had 0:01:58.072 --> 0:02:01.333 one lunch in like one year. That happened yesterday, by 0:02:01.333 --> 0:02:05.583 the way. I think as adults, we always feel, especially 0:02:05.583 --> 0:02:07.583 when you do see that friend, then you'll always say 0:02:07.583 --> 0:02:09.942 we should do this more often. We shouldn't wait until 0:02:09.942 --> 0:02:13.512 like I don't say that because I don't want to 0:02:13.513 --> 0:02:16.563 say that as like a sort of formality. I 0:02:16.563 --> 0:02:16.712 do 0:02:16.712 --> 0:02:16.873 this 0:02:16.873 --> 0:02:17.082 more 0:02:17.082 --> 0:02:17.423 often. 0:02:17.936 --> 0:02:19.565 I don't think we should do it more often, so 0:02:19.565 --> 0:02:22.166 I don't think we should say that. I just say like, OK, yeah, 0:02:22.395 --> 0:02:24.675 I see you next time or whenever that may be. 0:02:25.205 --> 0:02:27.925 But I have my gripes with low maintenance friendships. Yeah, 0:02:28.035 --> 0:02:29.945 but hey, you were talking about your friend. OK, 0:02:30.005 --> 0:02:31.886 so we meet like maybe 3 or 4 times every year, 0:02:31.966 --> 0:02:35.345 but she's the sweetest, you know, like every New Year, 0:02:35.686 --> 0:02:38.005 Christmas and my birthday, she would send me a text, 0:02:38.166 --> 0:02:41.845 like a long paragraph of text on the dot. And 0:02:41.845 --> 0:02:43.805 like that's so sweet, isn't it? That's so 0:02:43.805 --> 0:02:46.365 sweet. I don't even text some of my friends happy 0:02:46.365 --> 0:02:46.895 New Year. 0:02:47.800 --> 0:02:49.740 It doesn't take much to craft the text, and her 0:02:49.740 --> 0:02:51.609 text comes with like, you know, you are a really 0:02:51.610 --> 0:02:53.478 amazing person. I wish you all the best in the 0:02:53.479 --> 0:02:55.800 coming year. It's like those heartfelt texts that she puts 0:02:55.800 --> 0:02:57.240 in time and effort to type. 0:02:57.839 --> 0:03:00.160 Very sweet. Actually my best friend and I are a 0:03:00.160 --> 0:03:02.610 little bit like that where we talk a lot of nonsense, 0:03:02.960 --> 0:03:04.399 but we don't have to talk every day. I don't 0:03:04.399 --> 0:03:06.279 see her very much actually because I think we're both 0:03:06.279 --> 0:03:07.960 very busy. I actually don't know who. 0:03:08.038 --> 0:03:11.220 Z's best friend is just because she has so many friends. Yeah. 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:14.250 In fact, she's supposed to be in labor as we speak, 0:03:14.389 --> 0:03:18.149 but she's not. Oh, I share with the baby. So 0:03:18.149 --> 0:03:21.049 two days ago was the EDD, um, and I know 0:03:21.050 --> 0:03:22.830 she would tell me first, but I didn't hear anything. 0:03:22.910 --> 0:03:24.470 So yesterday I texted her and I was like, actually 0:03:24.470 --> 0:03:26.470 what is going on? Are you in labor? She was like, No, 0:03:26.710 --> 0:03:28.119 you don't want to come out, so I'm just sitting here. 0:03:29.830 --> 0:03:31.910 I think I have a similar, you know, kind of 0:03:31.910 --> 0:03:34.309 like relationship with some of my bestest friends. They don't 0:03:34.309 --> 0:03:37.789 live here, unfortunately. So yeah, Jermaine doesn't live here, you know, 0:03:37.830 --> 0:03:39.830 I have another friend Andrew who doesn't live here anymore 0:03:39.830 --> 0:03:42.710 as well. So when we do get to meet, it's 0:03:42.710 --> 0:03:47.059 even more precious, precious the time, but it doesn't mean that, oh, 0:03:47.190 --> 0:03:50.100 every day we have to text in order to stay friends. 0:03:50.229 --> 0:03:52.600 Every week we have to call in order to stay friends. 0:03:52.869 --> 0:03:53.979 I know that no matter 0:03:54.031 --> 0:03:56.861 So what happens, right? hell or high water, they will 0:03:56.861 --> 0:03:59.662 be there whenever I need them, correct? Yeah. OK, 0:03:59.822 --> 0:03:59.981 so 0:03:59.981 --> 0:04:02.591 here's the question. Is this still considered a low maintenance 0:04:02.591 --> 0:04:06.022 friendship if no effort is being put in on both 0:04:06.022 --> 0:04:06.731 parties end? 0:04:06.861 --> 0:04:09.701 So this is the flip side of low maintenance friendships 0:04:09.701 --> 0:04:12.102 that you know, low maintenance can be good, can also 0:04:12.102 --> 0:04:14.501 be bad. I think that that is not a low 0:04:14.501 --> 0:04:17.582 maintenance friendship. I think that is a one-sided friendship. I 0:04:17.582 --> 0:04:18.371 used to think that 0:04:18.424 --> 0:04:20.092 You know I had a friend who was like a 0:04:20.093 --> 0:04:22.933 low maintenance friend. Like, you know, I wouldn't consider her 0:04:22.933 --> 0:04:25.894 one of my very close friends, but I just be like, OK, 0:04:26.014 --> 0:04:28.962 I see her, you know, 2 or 3 times a year. 0:04:29.084 --> 0:04:31.174 I would make an effort to take her out for 0:04:31.174 --> 0:04:33.614 her birthday. I'd be like, oh, happy birthday, please let 0:04:33.613 --> 0:04:35.613 me take you out for a meal. And last year 0:04:35.613 --> 0:04:39.053 I noticed when my birthday rolled around, she didn't do 0:04:39.053 --> 0:04:41.174 the same. She didn't do the same and I know 0:04:41.174 --> 0:04:42.652 maybe it's my fault. I shouldn't be. 0:04:42.815 --> 0:04:46.385 it, but she didn't even like offer like, hey, you know, 0:04:46.485 --> 0:04:51.765 let's catch up for your birthday. So she did wish me, 0:04:52.246 --> 0:04:53.615 but it's like how much does it take to wish, 0:04:53.726 --> 0:04:56.686 you know, it's not about monetary or time or effort. 0:04:56.726 --> 0:05:00.325 It's about the yeah, it's about, OK, then I kind 0:05:00.325 --> 0:05:02.675 of feel like I don't want to maintain that friendship anymore. 0:05:02.885 --> 0:05:03.855 Am I a bad person 0:05:03.855 --> 0:05:04.445 for thinking that? 0:05:04.605 --> 0:05:07.045 No, not at all, because I am. 0:05:07.369 --> 0:05:09.609 Um, on the flip side for this one, so there 0:05:09.609 --> 0:05:12.029 is a friend, he's a guy, and every year we 0:05:12.029 --> 0:05:13.950 meet up two times, one time for his birthday, one 0:05:13.950 --> 0:05:17.200 time for my birthday. But, as time 0:05:17.670 --> 0:05:18.160 passes 0:05:18.160 --> 0:05:21.029 by, I realized that maybe this meet up with him 0:05:21.029 --> 0:05:24.190 doesn't really add value to my life anymore. Like I 0:05:24.190 --> 0:05:27.190 feel like I'm fine being just acquaintances with this person. 0:05:27.630 --> 0:05:29.739 So he still did ask me out for my birthday, 0:05:29.829 --> 0:05:31.299 like we're going out for a meal, but 0:05:32.010 --> 0:05:34.440 When his birthday came, I didn't do the same to him, 0:05:34.488 --> 0:05:37.260 and I asked myself, oh my God, I feel so guilty, 0:05:37.299 --> 0:05:41.200 but do I really have that time and that mental 0:05:41.200 --> 0:05:44.079 energy to spend on a meal with this person? 0:05:44.269 --> 0:05:44.760 That's true. 0:05:44.890 --> 0:05:46.769 So you might think it's just lunch, right? How long 0:05:46.769 --> 0:05:48.200 can it take 2 hours at best? 0:05:48.450 --> 0:05:48.808 But 0:05:48.809 --> 0:05:51.329 no, I think time is very precious. It's 0:05:51.329 --> 0:05:51.730 a mental 0:05:51.730 --> 0:05:52.808 capacity, you 0:05:52.809 --> 0:05:54.988 see. No, it's true. I think maybe. 0:05:55.589 --> 0:05:58.250 It's an energy thing as well. If you're a bit 0:05:58.250 --> 0:06:01.579 reluctant to spend your energy there, maybe there's something. I 0:06:01.579 --> 0:06:04.540 also think that as you grow up, right, especially in 0:06:04.540 --> 0:06:09.100 your twenties, you tend to outgrow certain friends just because 0:06:09.100 --> 0:06:12.179 everyone matures at a different rate. Sometimes people that you 0:06:12.178 --> 0:06:14.419 used to hang out with and really, really, really love 0:06:14.420 --> 0:06:16.579 hanging out with, like you don't anymore and it's OK 0:06:16.579 --> 0:06:18.899 to be honest with yourself about that and you can 0:06:18.899 --> 0:06:19.290 still 0:06:20.109 --> 0:06:22.989 Love them in the heart of hearts don't see them 0:06:22.988 --> 0:06:26.070 all the time or like, you know, yeah, so I 0:06:26.070 --> 0:06:28.659 enjoy low maintenance friendships, right, because let me give you 0:06:28.660 --> 0:06:30.390 an example. When I was a little bit younger, I 0:06:30.390 --> 0:06:32.390 had a group of friends and it was a very 0:06:32.390 --> 0:06:35.950 high maintenance friendship, not with everybody, but you know how 0:06:35.950 --> 0:06:37.549 in a group of friends, there are a couple of 0:06:37.549 --> 0:06:40.630 you who will see each other more often, and whenever 0:06:40.630 --> 0:06:42.660 I was busy and couldn't make it, I would be 0:06:42.660 --> 0:06:46.808 made to feel bad about it. Oh, like guilt trip 0:06:46.809 --> 0:06:47.609 you a little. 0:06:48.540 --> 0:06:52.690 No time for, but it felt that way. Like you're 0:06:52.690 --> 0:06:55.809 pressured to show up and because of that, I feel 0:06:55.809 --> 0:06:58.890 like I've really got no energy for like high maintenance friendships, 0:06:58.928 --> 0:07:02.089 you know, like I don't think anyone should be pressured 0:07:02.089 --> 0:07:05.290 to like, oh no, they're meeting up if I can't 0:07:05.290 --> 0:07:07.670 be there and I really can't be there, but then 0:07:07.970 --> 0:07:09.649 I'll feel like shit about it. Like they don't want 0:07:09.649 --> 0:07:11.970 to be friends with me anymore. That's crazy. And then 0:07:11.970 --> 0:07:14.559 you'll feel pressured into like, can I move things around? 0:07:14.700 --> 0:07:14.809 Can 0:07:14.809 --> 0:07:17.170 I but on the other hand, 0:07:17.279 --> 0:07:19.429 What would your friends be thinking? Oh, we always make 0:07:19.429 --> 0:07:23.179 time for this gathering, but Azura is always busy, 0:07:23.470 --> 0:07:25.829 but not all the time maybe like 1 in 3 0:07:25.829 --> 0:07:30.769 times I really can't. Sometimes I think it's also about expectations, right? 0:07:30.910 --> 0:07:32.910 Like when you go into a friendship, I think when 0:07:32.910 --> 0:07:36.670 it comes to low maintenance friendships or high maintenance friendships, 0:07:36.829 --> 0:07:39.839 what really counts is if this friend can be there 0:07:39.839 --> 0:07:42.029 for you in your time of need, like if you 0:07:42.029 --> 0:07:44.420 really need help and you call right or you text 0:07:44.420 --> 0:07:45.829 like hey, I really need your help. 0:07:46.019 --> 0:07:47.609 Are they going to be there for you? It's not 0:07:47.609 --> 0:07:50.279 about the, oh, you know, let's have lunch like during 0:07:50.279 --> 0:07:53.410 our lunchtime or whatever it is, or let's go see 0:07:53.410 --> 0:07:56.100 this event or go to the shops or whatever. 0:07:56.239 --> 0:07:58.890 But I believe everybody thinks differently. Like, I think it's 0:07:58.890 --> 0:08:00.890 safe to say all of us here on this couch, 0:08:01.170 --> 0:08:05.119 we are for low maintenance relationships, friendships in this case. 0:08:05.329 --> 0:08:08.410 That's because the nature of our work is always so busy, 0:08:08.450 --> 0:08:11.450 we're constantly like packed with shoots, but I always think 0:08:11.450 --> 0:08:14.010 from my friend's point of view, right, let's say my friend, 0:08:14.130 --> 0:08:14.709 one of my 0:08:15.070 --> 0:08:18.828 friends, she works a 9 to 5. Would she crave 0:08:18.829 --> 0:08:21.059 for a different kind of friendship that I'm looking for? 0:08:21.190 --> 0:08:21.390 Like 0:08:21.390 --> 0:08:21.790 would you 0:08:21.790 --> 0:08:22.790 wish that you had more time 0:08:22.790 --> 0:08:23.078 for her, 0:08:24.230 --> 0:08:26.339 right? I think it also boils down to like a 0:08:26.630 --> 0:08:30.029 lifestyle kind of question. What's the lifestyle that you adopt? 0:08:30.109 --> 0:08:32.669 But don't you think it's just easier and easier to 0:08:32.669 --> 0:08:35.530 accept low maintenance friendships as you grow older? Yeah, 0:08:35.750 --> 0:08:38.909 because you have less time, you have less energy to 0:08:38.909 --> 0:08:40.789 give to everyone. I mean, it's very different when you're 0:08:40.789 --> 0:08:42.880 in school because you're hanging out with each other all 0:08:42.880 --> 0:08:43.390 the time. 0:08:43.659 --> 0:08:46.719 So you're already in that friendship all the time, but 0:08:46.719 --> 0:08:50.210 as you grow up, you have responsibilities, some people have families, 0:08:50.330 --> 0:08:53.809 you know, it is easier to accept. It's very funny 0:08:53.809 --> 0:08:56.330 because I think at this age I realize more friends, 0:08:56.409 --> 0:08:59.929 you know, trying to sleep earlier, trying to do more. 0:09:00.650 --> 0:09:01.500 Within the day, 0:09:02.109 --> 0:09:05.229 especially if you have a family, how do you not 0:09:05.229 --> 0:09:06.709 sleep earlier? You have to wake up so early to 0:09:06.710 --> 0:09:07.390 send your kids to school, 0:09:07.969 --> 0:09:09.709 right? And I think people just have so many things 0:09:09.710 --> 0:09:12.630 that they are caught up with, right, that at this age, 0:09:12.789 --> 0:09:15.190 no one really comes to you and like, Hey, you 0:09:15.190 --> 0:09:18.140 don't see me every week, you know, no one's really 0:09:18.140 --> 0:09:20.309 going to say that to you. Well, there's someone here 0:09:20.309 --> 0:09:23.190 from Reddit who I think is more in the like 0:09:23.190 --> 0:09:25.440 high maintenance friendship camp. OK. 0:09:25.960 --> 0:09:28.239 girls think. This person says, I lost a lot of 0:09:28.239 --> 0:09:30.989 friendships as I think I'm kind of on the clingy side. 0:09:31.159 --> 0:09:33.440 I understand that we may not always get to chat 0:09:33.440 --> 0:09:36.520 regularly because life gets busy, but sometimes I feel like 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:38.640 it's a one way road and I get tired of 0:09:38.640 --> 0:09:41.839 reaching out. I always feel like I'm a bother and 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:44.229 I'm pushing the other friend and the other party just 0:09:44.229 --> 0:09:47.320 thinks that I am a chore and they just want 0:09:47.320 --> 0:09:49.400 to get on with their own life. So this is 0:09:49.400 --> 0:09:51.000 very draining for me. 0:09:51.880 --> 0:09:53.830 Maybe you just need to fall in love. 0:09:54.789 --> 0:09:58.789 You need to channel your emotions and your energy somewhere else. 0:09:58.890 --> 0:09:59.780 I mean, don't you agree? 0:09:59.919 --> 0:10:04.960 Adopt a dog, do something. But if it's really the 0:10:04.960 --> 0:10:07.669 way this person is saying it right, then it sounds 0:10:07.669 --> 0:10:11.070 a little bit like there's nothing wrong with reaching out 0:10:11.070 --> 0:10:12.559 every once in a while. I mean this person never 0:10:12.559 --> 0:10:14.919 see how often or like it sounds like she's not 0:10:14.919 --> 0:10:17.280 asking for anything when she reaches out, you know, and 0:10:17.280 --> 0:10:20.280 I think if if that's the case, then it's a 0:10:20.280 --> 0:10:23.199 bit one-sided because she's saying that the other. 0:10:23.296 --> 0:10:26.705 person doesn't reach out, doesn't make the first move, like 0:10:26.705 --> 0:10:27.125 check in on 0:10:27.125 --> 0:10:27.476 her. 0:10:27.645 --> 0:10:29.526 So is it to say that if you are the 0:10:29.526 --> 0:10:32.564 one reaching out, you must also be ready for the 0:10:32.565 --> 0:10:35.084 other party to reject you for that time, for example, 0:10:35.155 --> 0:10:36.845 if you're asking him or her out for lunch. I 0:10:36.846 --> 0:10:36.966 think 0:10:36.966 --> 0:10:37.125 you 0:10:37.125 --> 0:10:37.205 need 0:10:37.205 --> 0:10:40.885 to communicate, right? You need to agree like, OK, what 0:10:40.885 --> 0:10:43.245 kind of friendship is this, but most people don't do that. 0:10:43.285 --> 0:10:45.205 It's quite awkward, right? To go to your friend and 0:10:45.205 --> 0:10:48.515 be like, what is this? What are we? What are we? Yeah, 0:10:48.856 --> 0:10:50.166 like you know how many times do you really want 0:10:50.166 --> 0:10:51.526 to meet a year like no one does that. 0:10:51.822 --> 0:10:54.492 No one does that. People just ghost. Like you just 0:10:54.492 --> 0:10:56.252 ghost if the friend is not that important, you just 0:10:56.252 --> 0:10:57.771 be like, stop talking to them. 0:10:57.971 --> 0:10:59.611 OK, let me tell you what happened to me just 0:10:59.611 --> 0:11:01.771 last week, OK? So I have a group of friends, 0:11:01.812 --> 0:11:04.372 they are my JC friends. We are a click of 5, 0:11:04.692 --> 0:11:07.731 and we had arranged to meet on this day for 0:11:07.731 --> 0:11:10.291 like the longest time, and because of me, they pushed 0:11:10.291 --> 0:11:12.132 back the date, and because of me, we changed the 0:11:12.131 --> 0:11:14.892 venue to a shopping mall that was close to where 0:11:14.892 --> 0:11:17.771 my hosting gig was. So they really like make a 0:11:17.771 --> 0:11:20.171 lot of accommodations for me. 0:11:20.739 --> 0:11:24.140 That they rolled around last minute, really, I don't know 0:11:24.140 --> 0:11:26.940 why it's so jinx at the very last minute, a 0:11:26.940 --> 0:11:27.900 work gig came in. 0:11:28.609 --> 0:11:30.640 And I told my boss, I said, Yo, sorry, I 0:11:30.640 --> 0:11:32.719 really can't take this up. I have a dinner appointment already. 0:11:32.880 --> 0:11:34.119 And then my boss was like, OK, what if you 0:11:34.119 --> 0:11:37.359 push it back to 10:30 after dinner, you come. OK, 0:11:37.450 --> 0:11:39.479 so this is when I'm like literally at the crossroads. 0:11:39.520 --> 0:11:42.960 I'm thinking, ah, there's money to earn. OK, it's a 0:11:42.960 --> 0:11:46.320 job opportunity after all, it's exposure, do I want? 0:11:46.655 --> 0:11:48.434 Yes, I do, but do I want to spend time 0:11:48.434 --> 0:11:51.074 with my girlfriends? Yes, I do as well. But can 0:11:51.075 --> 0:11:53.424 I just quickly do the dinner and then go for 0:11:53.424 --> 0:11:55.614 the gig? What would they think if I had to 0:11:55.614 --> 0:11:58.375 leave dinner early? Right? So I actually spoke to one 0:11:58.375 --> 0:12:00.255 of my girls in the clique and I told her 0:12:00.255 --> 0:12:02.324 this situation and I asked her what should I do. 0:12:02.455 --> 0:12:05.255 She immediately said, go for a gig. I mean, we 0:12:05.255 --> 0:12:07.414 can see each other so often, we all stay around 0:12:07.414 --> 0:12:09.614 the same area. It's not hard for us to meet up. 0:12:09.815 --> 0:12:12.255 Actually it's quite hard. We only meet that few times 0:12:12.255 --> 0:12:13.864 a year, but I knew she said that to make 0:12:13.864 --> 0:12:14.534 me feel better. 0:12:14.880 --> 0:12:17.450 So after she said that, I was like, OK, let 0:12:17.450 --> 0:12:18.809 me tell the rest of the girls in the group 0:12:18.809 --> 0:12:21.238 chat that. So I told them the situation the group chat, 0:12:21.450 --> 0:12:22.598 nobody replied to me. 0:12:23.789 --> 0:12:26.848 So I don't know whether they are like a rat, 0:12:26.919 --> 0:12:29.000 oh OK, Hazy got to go early. OK, no problem, sure. 0:12:29.059 --> 0:12:30.799 Then they put their phone down, that kind of like 0:12:30.799 --> 0:12:32.859 no reply, or do they feel like 0:12:33.530 --> 0:12:35.299 Why do you have to leave early 0:12:35.299 --> 0:12:35.699 again? 0:12:35.780 --> 0:12:37.940 But did you see them? I did, I did. 0:12:38.299 --> 0:12:40.069 The conversation went OK. Like everyone was happy, 0:12:40.570 --> 0:12:42.219 but did you leave early or like everyone kind of 0:12:42.219 --> 0:12:44.299 left around the same time. So because I 0:12:44.299 --> 0:12:48.169 had to leave early, right, then let's all go together. 0:12:48.460 --> 0:12:50.739 Then we all went home. Yeah, but this is a 0:12:50.739 --> 0:12:55.210 low maintenance friendship that I am honestly very thankful for. 0:12:55.380 --> 0:12:55.979 Rose Rivers. 0:12:56.081 --> 0:12:58.311 I would have told any other girl in that clique 0:12:58.312 --> 0:13:00.552 to do the same, like go for your work thing, 0:13:00.591 --> 0:13:03.981 you know, now is the age to. If not now, 0:13:04.072 --> 0:13:04.591 when? 0:13:04.660 --> 0:13:06.992 That's true. I think most of my friends, like good 0:13:06.992 --> 0:13:09.530 friends would say that as well, but you feel so real. 0:13:11.291 --> 0:13:14.312 And of course, especially because you know you've rescheduled, you 0:13:14.312 --> 0:13:16.742 know how hard it is for everybody to find a date. 0:13:17.030 --> 0:13:18.671 You almost like don't want to inconvenience people. 0:13:18.814 --> 0:13:21.794 But sometimes it just happens. So this person on Reddit 0:13:21.794 --> 0:13:25.564 actually said I recently lost a close friend because I 0:13:25.564 --> 0:13:27.684 felt like they would only speak to me when it 0:13:27.684 --> 0:13:30.843 was convenient for them. I felt like deep down I 0:13:30.843 --> 0:13:33.604 was the only one maintaining the friendship and I started 0:13:33.604 --> 0:13:36.403 distancing myself when I felt like they only fit me 0:13:36.403 --> 0:13:39.363 into their schedule like an obligation and not like they 0:13:39.364 --> 0:13:40.994 actually want to meet me. 0:13:41.546 --> 0:13:43.895 After I got the guts to speak up and told 0:13:43.895 --> 0:13:46.856 them my feelings about it, they started posting all this 0:13:46.856 --> 0:13:52.064 cryptic stuff about how only low maintenance friendships survive. Yeah, 0:13:52.276 --> 0:13:54.415 so that's what happened to this person. Then 0:13:54.416 --> 0:13:54.575 I 0:13:54.575 --> 0:13:56.814 think they are not the friends that you would want 0:13:56.815 --> 0:13:58.556 in your life. We always go back to this phrase 0:13:58.556 --> 0:14:01.064 on Hash podcast for a season, for a reason, or 0:14:01.065 --> 0:14:03.536 for a lifetime. Maybe these friends just serve you for 0:14:03.535 --> 0:14:05.455 a season and they are in your life for a 0:14:05.455 --> 0:14:09.015 reason like now you have found out that reason. 0:14:09.559 --> 0:14:11.520 Maybe it's better for you to move on to find 0:14:11.520 --> 0:14:12.960 friends that will serve you for a lifetime. 0:14:13.119 --> 0:14:13.280 They're 0:14:13.280 --> 0:14:16.239 not bad people. Yeah, they're not. You're just not aligned. Correct. 0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:19.559 I don't think it's anyone's fault because maybe they're just 0:14:19.559 --> 0:14:21.549 looking for something else and you're looking for something else. 0:14:21.929 --> 0:14:26.599 Because then again, even if you say low maintenance, I 0:14:26.599 --> 0:14:30.280 think everybody has a different definition of low maintenance. Do 0:14:30.280 --> 0:14:33.039 you guys have this thing like friendship tiers, like in 0:14:33.039 --> 0:14:36.030 your own head, you have friendship tiers, you have like 0:14:36.080 --> 0:14:39.549 best friends, then you have close friends, then you have 0:14:39.549 --> 0:14:43.630 friends tier one, then you have friends tier two, then 0:14:43.630 --> 0:14:46.789 you have like acquaintances. I feel like people who plan 0:14:46.789 --> 0:14:48.979 their weddings like really have to put this down. 0:14:49.190 --> 0:14:52.789 I was going to say this, like imagine you're holding 0:14:52.789 --> 0:14:54.700 a wedding banquet. Who would you invite list of people, 0:14:56.590 --> 0:14:59.270 they are your like top tier friends, which you two are, 0:14:59.309 --> 0:15:00.750 by the way. If I get married too much I 0:15:00.750 --> 0:15:01.109 should invite 0:15:01.109 --> 0:15:02.659 you to. We are on the PR list. 0:15:04.969 --> 0:15:07.059 Yeah, exactly. So I kind of think like in your 0:15:07.059 --> 0:15:09.679 mind you kind of have that. You can't have everyone 0:15:09.679 --> 0:15:12.469 be your close friend. It's not possible. Yeah. On average, 0:15:12.500 --> 0:15:16.229 a person scientifically has about 3 to 5 close, close friends. 0:15:16.369 --> 0:15:19.080 Oh really? Yeah, so if you have like 50 close friends, 0:15:19.340 --> 0:15:21.429 there may be something that you need to kind of 0:15:21.679 --> 0:15:22.030 Yeah, 0:15:22.909 --> 0:15:25.299 people that I would turn to when I really need them, 0:15:25.469 --> 0:15:27.549 not a lot, honestly. I have a lot of people 0:15:27.549 --> 0:15:28.669 I talk to on a day to day 0:15:28.669 --> 0:15:28.900 basis, 0:15:29.159 --> 0:15:30.700 which is like the tier one and tier two. 0:15:30.820 --> 0:15:33.669 Yeah, but they are not like the top tier kind 0:15:33.669 --> 0:15:35.630 of friends, which I'm sure I'm not for them as well, 0:15:35.669 --> 0:15:37.710 and there's nothing wrong with it. It's just everybody has 0:15:37.710 --> 0:15:38.820 different schedule 0:15:38.820 --> 0:15:41.590 when you are someone's close friend, but they are not 0:15:41.590 --> 0:15:45.030 your close friends, and it's like very awkward, you know. 0:15:45.174 --> 0:15:47.445 I feel like the top of the triangle is people 0:15:47.445 --> 0:15:50.244 that you barely have any photos with. I mean, the 0:15:50.244 --> 0:15:52.875 closer you are, the lesser photos you have with each other. 0:15:53.284 --> 0:15:56.164 So true. I love this from PD Nick, and I 0:15:56.164 --> 0:15:58.335 feel like I want to do it too. OK. It's 0:15:58.335 --> 0:16:00.614 very interesting. She says that she and her friends are 0:16:00.614 --> 0:16:03.815 all grown now, obviously. They met in school and they 0:16:04.044 --> 0:16:05.965 don't have the time to meet as often, but they 0:16:05.965 --> 0:16:08.484 try to celebrate like birthdays and stuff with each other. 0:16:09.010 --> 0:16:11.989 But they try to meet at least once a month, 0:16:12.030 --> 0:16:14.469 which is great. What they did is they have a 0:16:14.469 --> 0:16:17.859 telegram group chat and they have a bot. You guys 0:16:17.859 --> 0:16:23.260 know Telegram bots, right? It automatically sends questions every day for, 0:16:23.469 --> 0:16:25.630 you know, her and her friends to answer daily. 0:16:26.450 --> 0:16:29.469 So it keeps the conversation. It's just like very random questions, 0:16:29.549 --> 0:16:32.429