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Speaker 1: Life Audio.

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Speaker 2: Hi there, it's Dana Shae and welcome to the Rebuilding

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Speaker 2: US Marriage Podcast. Well, welcome to the Rebuilding US podcast. Everybody.

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Speaker 2: It's Dana Shae and I am here with my good

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Speaker 2: friend Sylvia. I'm so excited about this conversation. You guys.

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Speaker 2: We okay, Sylvia. We tried to have this conversation.

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Speaker 1: We did.

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Speaker 2: We actually had a great conversation you guys just couldn't

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Speaker 2: hear because my microphone was on mute the whole time.

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Speaker 2: I sent it to my editor. She's like, you guys

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Speaker 2: look great, but I can't hear a word you're saying.

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Speaker 2: So here we are take two, two months later, three

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Speaker 2: months later, or however long it's been. So I wanted

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Speaker 2: to have this conversation about dating Sylvia. So I'll give

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Speaker 2: you guys a little rundown of Sylvia. She's been on

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Speaker 2: the podcast before. I'll link to the episode where she

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Speaker 2: was on as a guest before. But Sylvia is also

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Speaker 2: a marriage coach, and we are so many of our

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Speaker 2: our likes, our interests are the same. I really feel

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Speaker 2: like we're like Ying and Yang in so many ways.

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Speaker 2: And one of the things that I love though, is

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Speaker 2: that you practice what you preach. So we're always talking

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Speaker 2: to people about, you know, creating that recreational intimacy, that

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Speaker 2: friendship and their relationships, and you and your husband Toby

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Speaker 2: are doing that in spades. So I was like, you

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Speaker 2: got to come on the show so that you can

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Speaker 2: talk to us about these ideas that you all have.

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Speaker 2: So tell everyone a little bit about first of all,

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Speaker 2: like where did this idea come from? Whose idea was

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Speaker 2: it to do these more creative date nights?

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Speaker 1: So yeah, we do try to practice what we preach.

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Speaker 1: I mean, like you, we've been in this marriage going

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Speaker 1: on thirty years, so you know when you get up

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Speaker 1: to these these years, you gotta really be intentional to

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Speaker 1: keep it fresh to come up because you know, we're

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Speaker 1: talking earlier about getting into these ruts like what are

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Speaker 1: we gonna do? Let's go eat, you know. So I

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Speaker 1: initiated it, and I had heard of this concept of

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Speaker 1: ABC dating and I was like, what is that?

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Speaker 2: You know?

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Speaker 1: And basically it is building a date around each letter

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Speaker 1: of the alphabet. So let's start with A and I

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Speaker 1: am going to think of a date, a few activities

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Speaker 1: with that letter, and we're going to alternate back and forth.

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Speaker 1: So I take a he takes b C. We alternate

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Speaker 1: because then that makes it so one person is not

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Speaker 1: always a planner.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that makes sense because I don't know if you.

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Speaker 1: Hear that, but that's a common complaint I hear with

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Speaker 1: couples is that they feel like they're always the one

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Speaker 1: initiating doing anything.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's usually the wife right in my in

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Speaker 2: my world, Yes, that's okay, your earing fell out. Hey,

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Speaker 2: this is live everybody. If you're watching this on YouTube,

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Speaker 2: best things happen. I'm thinking about my blanket behind us. Okay.

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Speaker 2: I was like, is that blanket wrinkly? But it's not

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Speaker 2: all right.

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Speaker 1: We're good anyhow.

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Speaker 2: You're Latina. You can't help it.

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Speaker 1: We're just a lively bunch.

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Speaker 2: But no.

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Speaker 1: So so that's how it started, was make it fair.

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Speaker 1: So the back and forth is really great because it

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Speaker 1: does make the wives, like you said, especially who tend

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Speaker 1: to feel like they're the ones always initiating. They get

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Speaker 1: to feel like they're being asked out on a date

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Speaker 1: and having something planned for them as well.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, we started with a and you know, the

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Speaker 1: beauty of the system also is you can tailor it

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Speaker 1: to your financial goals, you know, like or your financial state.

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Speaker 1: You know, hey, I don't want to spend two hundred

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Speaker 1: dollars on this date. What can I do for fifty dollars? Well,

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Speaker 1: with the letter A, you can think of a number

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Speaker 1: of things. You know, for instance, I want to go

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Speaker 1: ax throwing. Well, they have places where you can go

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Speaker 1: ax throwing. We actually have ax throwing in our backyard,

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Speaker 1: so that would be free.

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Speaker 2: Oh wow.

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Speaker 1: Or for B, I mean you can go bowling, or

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Speaker 1: you can go to the beach. The beach is free, right,

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Speaker 1: you know, so you can really cater it to what

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Speaker 1: it is that you want to do, and we try

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Speaker 1: to pick two or three things, like you know, we're

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Speaker 1: going to go ax throwing, and then we're going to

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Speaker 1: go to apple Bees and then maybe we'll do some artwork,

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Speaker 1: you know, like just kind of you know, toss some

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Speaker 1: things around.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, apple Bee's is not a sponsor of this podcast. However,

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Speaker 2: if you work for Applebees, call me we can work

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Speaker 2: something out. But I love that because it's so it's

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Speaker 2: like different activities with that letter. So if you wanted

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Speaker 2: to do C, for example, you could do like I'm

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Speaker 2: thinking what would be C, Like you could do coffee

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Speaker 2: and you could do what else? Starts with C. Oh

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Speaker 2: my god, my goodness.

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Speaker 1: See it's funny because I'm drawing a blank now, but

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to think of what we.

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Speaker 2: Did for C.

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Speaker 1: Pick a different letter.

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Speaker 2: Okay, let's pick a different letter. Since my name starts

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Speaker 2: with D. Let's do D so for or G because

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Speaker 2: you were talking about that before. So G was fun.

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Speaker 2: You guys did gelato.

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Speaker 1: And we went to a mini golf golf. We went

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Speaker 1: to golf, and then we had some General so chicken, Yes,

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Speaker 1: but E is a lot of fun escape room. We

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Speaker 1: test drove electric bikes.

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Speaker 2: That is so creative, Sylvia. Yeah, and even like when

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Speaker 2: you said the General South's Chicken, like the type of food.

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Speaker 2: So it's not just like we're going out to a restaurant,

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Speaker 2: but like, okay, maybe there's a restaurant like you were

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Speaker 2: mentioning Applebee's it starts with an A. Or maybe there's

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Speaker 2: a specific type of food like for em maybe it

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Speaker 2: would be like Mexican or maybe if it was you know,

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Speaker 2: s seafood Night or whatever it is. But you can

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Speaker 2: be like really creative with that. And so I love

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Speaker 2: this idea so much. And Sean and I have yet

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Speaker 2: to do this, but I had to. So when you

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Speaker 2: posted for H, I was so jealous. I was jealous

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Speaker 2: in a good way. I was like, why didn't y'all

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Speaker 2: invite us?

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Speaker 1: We would have been.

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Speaker 2: There, but for H y'all did horseback riding? And what

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Speaker 2: was the other thing? Habachi? I love that?

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Speaker 1: Which are two things that are not on our normal rotation,

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Speaker 1: because first of all, that was to be honest, on

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Speaker 1: the pricier side of dating. But I haven't ridden horses

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Speaker 1: for years. Yeah it's something that I really love doing,

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Speaker 1: but just who has the time?

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Speaker 2: Where do you go?

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Speaker 1: But it was his turn, and I had put that

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Speaker 1: bug in his ear about horseback riding several times over

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Speaker 1: the years, and so he got on Googled and looked

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Speaker 1: up horseback riding in this area and there are several

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Speaker 1: places in our area Virginia, Beach, Chestpeake, whatever. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: he booked the whole thing. He booked it, and they

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Speaker 1: had like a picture package, so that that's where we

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Speaker 1: were able to capture this because you know, I wasn't

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Speaker 1: taking no pictures.

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Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I have a crazy story. I don't

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Speaker 2: know if I've told you my horseback riding story. When

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Speaker 2: I was in South Dakota with a group of we ows,

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Speaker 2: a group of women and ministry leaders. So I tell

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Speaker 2: you the story, girl, And first.

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Speaker 1: Can we preface this story before you get going? Okay,

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Speaker 1: Dana is not an outdoor Okay. I took her on

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Speaker 1: a walking trail, a walking trail, and she was like,

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Speaker 1: are there bears out here? Like, I mean, this is

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Speaker 1: not my outdoor friend?

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Speaker 2: No, no, not at all. You give me a coffee

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Speaker 2: shop any day. She's outdoor where not my thing? So

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Speaker 2: here we are in South Dakota, and South Dakota is

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Speaker 2: highly elevated. There's mountains everywhere, right, so I'm already on

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Speaker 2: a mountain, right. And then there was this one horse.

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Speaker 2: We drive up to this horse farm and there's one

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Speaker 2: horse that was like in time out right, Like all

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Speaker 2: the other horses were there gathered together having fun, and

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Speaker 2: this horse was like off to himself, chained to a tree.

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Speaker 2: So I was like, dang, what did that horse do?

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Speaker 2: I was like, so I'm talking junk about the horse, right, yeah, listen,

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Speaker 2: that horse. He's in the naughty list. That horse heard

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Speaker 2: me talking about him, and why did they assign him

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Speaker 2: to me? So they assigned the horse. They assigned the

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Speaker 2: horses to us dependent like based on our height. Now

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Speaker 2: I'm a little on the shorter side. So they're like, okay,

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Speaker 2: this horse, and I was like, oh snap, Like I

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Speaker 2: was talking so much junk about this horse. Right, So

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Speaker 2: I get on the horse and everybody's horse is doing

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Speaker 2: what they're what. The trainer was saying, Yes, my horse

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Speaker 2: decides it wants to venture off to the cliff. I

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Speaker 2: was like, absolutely not. You are not going to commit

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Speaker 2: suicide and take me down with you. So I'm literally

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Speaker 2: screaming right on this right and in the midst of this,

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Speaker 2: I'm taking a video. So this is when you said

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Speaker 2: like you can't so here, I am taking a video

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Speaker 2: and I just happen to be taking a video at

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Speaker 2: the moment that my horse decides it wants to commit suicide.

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Speaker 2: So it like starts trotting off to the edge, and

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Speaker 2: y'all all I see is this like a thousand foot

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Speaker 2: drop off, right, And so I am screaming to the

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Speaker 2: top of my lungs. And so the trainer comes over

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Speaker 2: and she's like, oh, she's on her horse. You know.

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Speaker 2: She bounds over on her horse and she's like okay, okay,

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Speaker 2: calm down, and she didn't need to tell me that

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Speaker 2: half of my body was off of my horse. I

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Speaker 2: was on her horse, and the girls that were with

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Speaker 2: me were we laughed for like three months h straight,

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Speaker 2: like we could not stop laughing. So the horse doesn't

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Speaker 2: commit suicide. I end up, like you know, getting him

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Speaker 2: back on the trail. But like the whole time, he

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Speaker 2: just kept being disobedient. So like in this picture that

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Speaker 2: we have, we're all lined up with our horses. Everybody's

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Speaker 2: horse is facing the right direction. My horse is literally

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Speaker 2: like facing the left direction. And I was like, you

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Speaker 2: know what, I'm done.

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Speaker 1: See you the you you know, I'm not an experienced horsewoman,

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Speaker 1: but I think I'll shoot a video, right, I should

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Speaker 1: take some picture?

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Speaker 2: Why not? Why not? So you said, You're like, I'm

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Speaker 2: not taking any pictures. So they had pictures for you guys.

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Speaker 1: It was part of you could buy that package where

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Speaker 1: you know, it wasn't even a lot. It was like

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Speaker 1: an extra twenty five bucks that the guide will take

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Speaker 1: pictures for you, which for safety first, right, that is advisable.

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Speaker 1: I am not an experienced horse person, So yeah, that

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Speaker 1: was wonderful because at the literally at the end of

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Speaker 1: the trail ride, she just you know, sent all the

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Speaker 1: pictures to my husband on his phone, and we had

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Speaker 1: all these wonderful pictures, but we got to enjoy the experience. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and then we went right from there to Hibachi where

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Speaker 1: they do the whole show in front of yes, Flippin'

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Speaker 1: shrimp in your mouth, right, Yeah, it was it was wild.

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Speaker 2: It was great.

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Speaker 1: It was really good.

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Speaker 2: That's it's so fun. And I'm sitting here thinking, Sylvia,

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Speaker 2: you know, a lot of times I think men it's

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Speaker 2: not that they don't want to go out on dates,

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Speaker 2: but I think that a lot of women we have

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Speaker 2: in our minds of what romance looks like, and a

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Speaker 2: lot of men are more recreational. They want to have fun,

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Speaker 2: They like to do things with their hands. So the

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Speaker 2: fact that you and Toby decide these ideas he thought

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Speaker 2: about the horseback riding. You guys have done football, for

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Speaker 2: f frisbees, for f like those things that are more

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Speaker 2: hands on, and so we have to take a quick break.

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Speaker 2: But as we go to break, you guys, I want

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Speaker 2: you to start thinking about what are some things even now, like,

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Speaker 2: what are some ideas that are coming to you, What's

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Speaker 2: maybe something that you've always wanted to do maybe you've

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Speaker 2: wanted to do a paint night and you could add

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Speaker 2: that on for p Whereas maybe your spouse isn't going

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Speaker 2: to be that receptive if you just say, hey, next weekend,

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Speaker 2: let's go to paint night. But if you're doing this

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Speaker 2: alphabetized dating, it just makes sense to do it that night.

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Speaker 2: So we have to take a quick break for a

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Speaker 2: your spiritual intimacy. You can get the free five day

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Speaker 2: companion devotional at Tried and Truemarriage book dot com. All right, everybody,

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Speaker 2: well we are back. Sylvia and I have been having

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Speaker 2: such a fun time talking about me and all of

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Speaker 2: my crazy fears. I really need to be delivered. I

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Speaker 2: really do, because there's nothing scary about outdoors, but I

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Speaker 2: find something scary about everything that is outdoors, including animals

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Speaker 2: and small insects as well. So we're talking about what

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Speaker 2: to do creatively for your date nights. I know one

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Speaker 2: of my biggest gripes when Sean and I go out. Now,

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Speaker 2: we do have a value of dating. You guys have

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Speaker 2: heard me talk about this on the show all the time.

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Speaker 2: I think, if you're going to be married, and like

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Speaker 2: you said, Sylvie, especially when you're starting to get into

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Speaker 2: the decades, right, you've been with somebody for ten, twenty

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Speaker 2: thirty forty years, like you have got to be very

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Speaker 2: intentional about keeping that relationship like interesting. And so one

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Speaker 2: of the things that Sean loves to do is go

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Speaker 2: out to eat, yes, And I'm like, I don't want

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Speaker 2: to go out to eat, Like, I mean, I appreciate

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Speaker 2: not cooking, but we share cooking duties anyway, so it's

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Speaker 2: not like I'm doing all the cooking anyway. Like Sean

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Speaker 2: is actually a really good cook, and so I actually

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Speaker 2: really like when he cooks. But he'll be like, hey,

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Speaker 2: let's go out to eat, and I'm like, can we

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Speaker 2: do something else, you know, and we live like and again,

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Speaker 2: where you all live is going to determine a lot

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Speaker 2: of these things too. If you live in a rural area,

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Speaker 2: you might not have access to some of these big

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Speaker 2: things like escape rooms or or things like that. But

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Speaker 2: there's still a lot that you can do in a

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Speaker 2: rural area. So why don't you talk Syvie about like

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Speaker 2: cause you said in the beginning of the show, like

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Speaker 2: you can tailor these date nights to your budget. I'm

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Speaker 2: thinking about a couple who might be listening and they're like,

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Speaker 2: we don't date because we just can't afford it, Like

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Speaker 2: you just don't have the money to go out. So

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Speaker 2: think about someone who maybe lives in a rural area,

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Speaker 2: or maybe they don't live in a rural area, but

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Speaker 2: they just don't have a lot of money. What are

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Speaker 2: some things that they can do, like around the house even.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, there are tons of things to do around the house.

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Speaker 1: And and you know that you can actually even google

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Speaker 1: some of these, like dating on a budget or cheap

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Speaker 1: date night ideas. But I mean just some off the

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Speaker 1: top of my head, especially if you live in a

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Speaker 1: rural neighborhood, I mean a rural area like, have you

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Speaker 1: ever considered, you know, if you or your spouse has

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Speaker 1: a pickup truck or a sport utility or something driving

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Speaker 1: it out to somewhere, you can even get creative and

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Speaker 1: do like string lights around it and then go out

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Speaker 1: there and have a little picnic in your in your

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Speaker 1: back at your pickup. You know, if you're a wine

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Speaker 1: drinker or chacooter, charcuterie or whatever, that's fun and inexpensive.

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Speaker 1: I mean just basically whatever you would have had at home,

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Speaker 1: take into the truck and go park it out on

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Speaker 1: under a starry night. I think that would be romantic

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Speaker 1: and basically free.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, there's things you can do cooking at home,

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Speaker 1: like find a new recipe, cook together that is fun

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Speaker 1: and it's you got to eat anyway, right, So that's

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Speaker 1: something you can do.

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Speaker 2: Uh.

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Speaker 1: We mentioned paint night earlier. Some of these people go

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Speaker 1: to these like paint and sip nights. Those can get

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Speaker 1: really expensive really quickly. But you can do the same

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Speaker 1: thing at home, and my husband and I have actually

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Speaker 1: you go on YouTube and you can search paint nights

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Speaker 1: and then you know the tools you can get at

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Speaker 1: Walmart or Michael's and they'll be there. For the next

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Speaker 1: time you want to do a paint night.

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Speaker 2: That's a good idea.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, play the YouTube video in your living room

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Speaker 1: if you want to sip something, sip something and you

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Speaker 1: paint there right in your living room.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And he actually enjoyed that so much that he suggested

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Speaker 1: doing it again. Oh my gosh, I love that.

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Speaker 2: Have you seen on Instagram where there's like this trend

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Speaker 2: where you paint the person across from you?

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Speaker 1: Oh my, we have been that ass.

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Speaker 2: But like, right, I'm thinking about like if you're having

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Speaker 2: like if you're on the struggle bus right now, you

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Speaker 2: and your spouse are not getting along. This is the

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Speaker 2: interesting thing about dating because a lot of times couples

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Speaker 2: feel like, well, we're not getting along, and I don't

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Speaker 2: want to date. But it's almost like church, Like when

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Speaker 2: you're in sin, the last place you want to go

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Speaker 2: is church, right, because you know, either you're going to

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Speaker 2: feel ashamed, which is really just convictions, not shame, and

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Speaker 2: you're going to change. And I think the same thing

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Speaker 2: is true about dating. When you don't date, you're going

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Speaker 2: to stay in that rut. But when you say, you

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Speaker 2: know what, even if we're not getting along, we're still

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Speaker 2: going to go out and date. So imagine if you

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Speaker 2: and your spouse are not getting along, you sit across

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Speaker 2: from each other and you're like, we're going to paint

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Speaker 2: each other, Like there's no way that you cannot laugh. Yes,

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Speaker 2: and that just be resolved.

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Speaker 1: No, absolutely, absolutely Another a game night at home. So

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Speaker 1: game nights first of all, it really if you really

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Speaker 1: are on a budget, you can pick up games at

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Speaker 1: your local first store like used games. They have all

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Speaker 1: the time stacks of games.

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Speaker 2: They might be missing some pieces, but hey.

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Speaker 1: Possible, you know, use a thimblew word you.

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Speaker 2: Right, spatulah.

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Speaker 1: But no, my husband and I in fact four g

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Speaker 1: we did games. We did mini golf and gelato, and

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Speaker 1: then we went home and played games. And I grabbed

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Speaker 1: this game off of Amazon. It was less than twenty

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Speaker 1: bucks and it was called Scribble Hips. And you attach

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Speaker 1: a marker around your waist and you draw with your hips.

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Speaker 2: Oh wow, how silly can that get?

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Speaker 1: Really quickly? Wow?

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Speaker 2: And the pictures are terrible. I bet, I bet you

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Speaker 2: have no control.

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Speaker 1: Over your hips, so it's really really bad pictures. But

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Speaker 1: the other person is supposed to guess which you just drew,

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Speaker 1: and wow, it was very challenging but hilarious.

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Speaker 2: We had the best time. I love all of these ideas.

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Speaker 2: I'm getting inspired now even literally. So we're gonna start

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Speaker 2: with a Kausehan and I have not done this yet,

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Speaker 2: but we do. Like I said, we have a very

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Speaker 2: regular routine of dating. And so this is the thing.

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Speaker 2: Whether you date once a month, once a week, once

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Speaker 2: every other week, I don't think it's necessarily the quantity.

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Speaker 2: It's the quality very much, right, because you can go

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Speaker 2: on a date once a month and it be like

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Speaker 2: the best time of your month, versus you're just going

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Speaker 2: out for fast food once a week just to check

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Speaker 2: it off your list. You're sitting on your phones, you're

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Speaker 2: not engaging with each other, but you're thinking, well, we

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Speaker 2: went out, you know. Yes. And Sean and I had

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Speaker 2: a conversation on the podcast actually I think it was

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Speaker 2: the last time he was on, and he was saying like,

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Speaker 2: it's okay if you take your children with you, and

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Speaker 2: I was I was like, hmmm, I don't know about that.

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Speaker 1: No, I wouldn't recommend that at all. Now I can

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Speaker 1: see if somebody has a nursing baby, even then, if

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Speaker 1: you can get a babysitter, get a babysitter yeah, but

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Speaker 1: if that's just not in you're not in that season

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Speaker 1: right now, because some aren't they don't have that support

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Speaker 1: system or whatever. Take your nursing baby, but please don't

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Speaker 1: take anything above a nursing baby. Don't take a toddler

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Speaker 1: who is going to demand all your attentions, right, because

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Speaker 1: I mean, I know, you know, we get attached to

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Speaker 1: our children. We don't want to leave them. But your

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Speaker 1: spouse needs that time, They need that time with just

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Speaker 1: them to have your full attention.

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Speaker 2: That's so true.

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Speaker 1: It's just true.

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Speaker 2: And your children need to see you leave. I've told

401
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,520
Speaker 2: this story before, but when Kayla was little, she would

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00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:10,919
Speaker 2: get upset that Shawn and I would go on dates, right,

403
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Speaker 2: and she would cry, and why do we have to

404
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:14,439
Speaker 2: stay with me? Me? That's my mom, you know, why

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Speaker 2: do we have to stay with mem? Oh? No, no no.

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Speaker 2: And then now that she's a young adult, like she

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00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,800
Speaker 2: literally sent Seawn and I this text. This is probably

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Speaker 2: two years ago, and she was like, thank you for

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Speaker 2: always prioritizing your relationship. You show me what a godly

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Speaker 2: couple is and like that is worth everything.

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Speaker 1: You know it is. I've had my kids tell me that. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so it is very true, and yeah in the moment, Mommy,

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Speaker 1: where are you going?

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Speaker 2: Daddy?

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Speaker 1: Take me? It is hard to resist those things. I

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Speaker 1: hear you out there, But it is a lasting impact

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Speaker 1: that you're making, so it is worth the sacrifice just

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Speaker 1: for you. I mean, it doesn't have to be an

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Speaker 1: all day thing, right, get out way for a couple hours,

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Speaker 1: irioritize each other. It is powerful, it is. And you

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Speaker 1: mentioned cell phones earlier. Don't be on the cell phone.

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Speaker 1: And unless you are a brain surgeon who is on call, honestly,

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Speaker 1: there is no other emergencies that you got to be

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Speaker 1: checking your phone all the time, right, because I have

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Speaker 1: been well, I have observed when you go to a restauranta.

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Speaker 2: Have you seen apps all the time? And I'm just like,

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Speaker 2: what are y'all doing? You know, they're out, That's what

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Speaker 2: I was saying before. You're out, quote unquote you're having

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Speaker 2: date night, but you're not engaging. And the whole point

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Speaker 2: of this is connection. Absolutely, it's to have a connection.

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Speaker 2: So you can't connect with your spouse if you're all

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Speaker 2: into your phone and on social media. And and also

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Speaker 2: I don't think everything needs to go on the ground

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Speaker 2: like I've been connecting, right, It doesn't have to because again,

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Speaker 2: like sometimes we're not even interested necessarily in connecting with

436
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:46,199
Speaker 2: our spouse. It's like, let's do this because it'll make

437
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,879
Speaker 2: a great picture, It'll be a great photo op. And

438
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,320
Speaker 2: so for me, like there's been a lot of dates

439
00:19:51,359 --> 00:19:53,480
Speaker 2: that are they just live in my phone just for

440
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:57,000
Speaker 2: me and Sean. They're not for public consumption. And so

441
00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:58,879
Speaker 2: I think really keeping that in mind too, if you

442
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:00,920
Speaker 2: want to take pictures, I'm not saying and don't, but

443
00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:03,320
Speaker 2: don't let that be like, oh, we want to go

444
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,520
Speaker 2: to this place because this place is going to be

445
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,879
Speaker 2: you know, oh if we post this picture, then our

446
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,320
Speaker 2: friends will really think like like, when you get into

447
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,359
Speaker 2: that kind of thinking, then you've you're not dating. I

448
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,960
Speaker 2: don't know what you're doing at that point, and.

449
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,560
Speaker 1: At the expense of being present, Like I mean really,

450
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,960
Speaker 1: I mean, this is something I have observed several times,

451
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:24,400
Speaker 1: is when one spouse is on their phone in a restaurant,

452
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,840
Speaker 1: the other one is like waiting for them to get off. Yeah,

453
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,800
Speaker 1: but then we'll sometimes just default and pick theirs up

454
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,639
Speaker 1: right exactly, and then we're both not tuned in right,

455
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:37,000
Speaker 1: and it's it's it's really it's sad. It is that

456
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,440
Speaker 1: that's not that's not quality time.

457
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,600
Speaker 2: That's right. And there's a lot of reasons why couples

458
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,840
Speaker 2: don't date, you know, I said earlier. Sometimes you're in

459
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:47,880
Speaker 2: arguments or you're in disagreements. Sean and I have gone

460
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,840
Speaker 2: on dates before, y'all. Well, we didn't really talk the

461
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,960
Speaker 2: whole time. We weren't on our phones, but we were like,

462
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:53,439
Speaker 2: I don't want to talk to you. I don't want

463
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,080
Speaker 2: to talk to you, but we sitting here on this date.

464
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:58,520
Speaker 2: That's what we're going to do. Because because it was

465
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,800
Speaker 2: a value And let me tell you something, I think

466
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,280
Speaker 2: some of those times is what saved our marriage because

467
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,280
Speaker 2: it was like, we're gonna do this. This is what

468
00:21:05,359 --> 00:21:07,040
Speaker 2: we said we're gonna do. So if we say we're

469
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,080
Speaker 2: gonna date on Thursday night or whatever it is, we're

470
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,200
Speaker 2: going on our little date, even though we don't like

471
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,960
Speaker 2: each other here, that's right. The quiet game we're gonna

472
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,040
Speaker 2: this is gonna be an s for solemness, you know,

473
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:22,440
Speaker 2: and solitude. So you will be sorry for what you did.

474
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,880
Speaker 2: But yeah, so I think if you're upset still date.

475
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,639
Speaker 2: Other reasons we talked about finances. This is one of

476
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,600
Speaker 2: the big reasons why people say they can't date because

477
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:32,560
Speaker 2: they can't afford it, but Sylvia has already debunked that.

478
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,200
Speaker 2: Lots of things that you can do for free or

479
00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:40,399
Speaker 2: for a very low budget. I think another reason is time, right,

480
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,399
Speaker 2: that's an excuse, it's not a reason. A lot of

481
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,240
Speaker 2: people are like, Oh, we just don't have time. We

482
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,920
Speaker 2: work crazy hours, we're busy, we've got the kids, we've

483
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,040
Speaker 2: got that. What would you say to somebody, Sylvia who

484
00:21:50,359 --> 00:21:52,280
Speaker 2: they're like, we can't really date because we just don't

485
00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:55,320
Speaker 2: really have time. This isn't the season for us to

486
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:56,040
Speaker 2: date right now.

487
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a common one. I have heard that. Well,

488
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:02,600
Speaker 1: the reality is we make time. Well, first of all,

489
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,640
Speaker 1: the reality is you cannot make time. We are alloted

490
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,359
Speaker 1: the same twenty four hours in a day. What you

491
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:12,040
Speaker 1: do is you take time. You take time for the

492
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:16,600
Speaker 1: things that you value that are important to you. Because

493
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,840
Speaker 1: you know, if we're honest with ourselves, we have time.

494
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,160
Speaker 1: You have time to be scrolling on your phone. You've

495
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,040
Speaker 1: got time to watch YouTube videos, you've got time to

496
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:29,159
Speaker 1: tune out on the couch just together. So some of

497
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:33,480
Speaker 1: that time can be reallocated to be quality time with

498
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,040
Speaker 1: your spouse, for dating.

499
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:35,960
Speaker 2: Or a senior partner.

500
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,360
Speaker 1: So either way, yeah, the whole we don't have time.

501
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:43,359
Speaker 2: That is that is not true. That's so true. You

502
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:44,080
Speaker 2: gotta take time.

503
00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:44,399
Speaker 1: I like that.

504
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,280
Speaker 2: I'm gonna start using that. You can't make time because

505
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:48,600
Speaker 2: time has already made you take time. And it's just

506
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,760
Speaker 2: like you know, I often say, if your boss told you, hey,

507
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,040
Speaker 2: I need you to stay thirty minutes or later so

508
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,280
Speaker 2: you can do X, Y and Z, you would do it.

509
00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:58,400
Speaker 1: You would take some time.

510
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,280
Speaker 2: You would do it, and you would do it not

511
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,119
Speaker 2: because you love your boss. You would do it because

512
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,919
Speaker 2: you don't want to lose your job. But that's good too.

513
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,400
Speaker 1: So if we thought of our relationships and prioritize them

514
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,639
Speaker 1: in the way of our job, which it should be

515
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:15,600
Speaker 1: actually higher than your job, that's right. But the devotion,

516
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,560
Speaker 1: the dedication that we put toward our job, if we

517
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:22,600
Speaker 1: thought of our relationships in that way, we would we

518
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:25,959
Speaker 1: would show up on time every time, giving it our

519
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:26,400
Speaker 1: a game.

520
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,600
Speaker 2: That's right. And even if you feel like I don't

521
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,680
Speaker 2: love my spouse, well you don't love your boss either,

522
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,600
Speaker 2: But you don't want to lose your job, you don't

523
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,359
Speaker 2: want to lose your relationship, so still do it because

524
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:37,800
Speaker 2: This is like, it's feeding your relationship. Date night is

525
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:40,080
Speaker 2: not just like some cute little thing that just a

526
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,520
Speaker 2: couple select people can do if they have time, Like

527
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,399
Speaker 2: date night is the fuel or not even date night

528
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,240
Speaker 2: could be day day, you know, you know, and that's

529
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:49,119
Speaker 2: another thing, like you don't have to go out at night.

530
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,159
Speaker 2: For people who say, like, we don't have childcare, listen,

531
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:55,760
Speaker 2: go when your children are in school, you already them.

532
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,360
Speaker 2: You got the childcare thing figured out. And then well,

533
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,120
Speaker 2: my spouse worked, so I work, take an extended lunch

534
00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:01,760
Speaker 2: lunch date.

535
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,600
Speaker 1: I have couples that I coach that actually do exactly that.

536
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:07,960
Speaker 1: They do have a little one and so they have

537
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:12,359
Speaker 1: extended lunch dates and hey, whatever works. Whatever works, but

538
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:15,040
Speaker 1: something's got to work, that's right. You can't just throw

539
00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:18,320
Speaker 1: it aside for a season because sometimes that season. Again,

540
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,159
Speaker 1: I've had couples who are like, this season has been

541
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:23,600
Speaker 1: going on for five years, Like you know, no, that's

542
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,320
Speaker 1: too long a season. That's right to be not prioritizing

543
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:27,520
Speaker 1: quality time with your partner.

544
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:30,280
Speaker 2: Absolutely, well, this is gold. This is going to be

545
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,320
Speaker 2: one of those podcast episodes that you guys are going

546
00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:34,800
Speaker 2: to want to save and come back to listen to

547
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:37,399
Speaker 2: this with your spouse, especially if you have a spouse

548
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,960
Speaker 2: that's a little bit hesitant on investing or taking the

549
00:24:41,119 --> 00:24:43,960
Speaker 2: time to invest in your relationship. So many of you

550
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:45,800
Speaker 2: all might know, I'm not doing so much one on

551
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:49,800
Speaker 2: one coaching anymore, but Sylvia is so Sylvia, why don't

552
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:51,720
Speaker 2: you tell people a little bit more about your business

553
00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:52,560
Speaker 2: and how they can find you.

554
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,280
Speaker 1: So I own Frive Marriage Coaching, so you can visit

555
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:57,600
Speaker 1: Frive Marriage Coaching dot com.

556
00:24:58,280 --> 00:24:59,639
Speaker 2: And I love what I do.

557
00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:04,119
Speaker 1: I do premarital counseling as well as couples coaching for

558
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:07,800
Speaker 1: everybody from dating all the way. So we've been married

559
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:11,240
Speaker 1: fifty years. I literally have clients from their twenties to

560
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,920
Speaker 1: their seventies. And I truly love what I do.

561
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:15,720
Speaker 2: And I say this all the time.

562
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,200
Speaker 1: Well my husband jokes, he's like, the reason you're a

563
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,200
Speaker 1: marriage coach is because I gave you a lot of fuel.

564
00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,840
Speaker 2: You're like, yes, you did, Yes, you did, absolutely, but.

565
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,639
Speaker 1: No, truly, the reason I do what I do is

566
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:31,040
Speaker 1: because we have not had smooth salin for nearly thirty years.

567
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:34,720
Speaker 1: We've been together since nineteen ninety six, and the Lord

568
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:38,639
Speaker 1: gave us challenges and that's okay, because we were able

569
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:43,000
Speaker 1: to navigate them together and that refining that brings you

570
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:47,119
Speaker 1: into an even stronger place. You know, we are not

571
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:50,080
Speaker 1: perfect by any means, but we are both in it

572
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,200
Speaker 1: to win it. We are we are committed and devoted

573
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:58,119
Speaker 1: and to really love each other. Well. It breaks my

574
00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:00,280
Speaker 1: heart when I hear couples who have been married married

575
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:04,320
Speaker 1: thirty forty years, and it's more like a sentence, right, it's.

576
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:06,520
Speaker 2: More like a drudgery doing our time.

577
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:10,320
Speaker 1: Right, we're forty years in, you know, and I want it.

578
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:11,359
Speaker 1: I want to change that.

579
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:11,840
Speaker 2: Yeah.

580
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:14,560
Speaker 1: I want to impact marriages in a way that when

581
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,720
Speaker 1: they get to thirty or forty years, they're like, this

582
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,840
Speaker 1: is the best years yet the best years are still coming.

583
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 1: We're happier now than we've ever been. And I have

584
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,119
Speaker 1: had that report from couples. They've literally said that, like,

585
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,720
Speaker 1: this is the best we've been in thirty years.

586
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:28,320
Speaker 2: It's awesome.

587
00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:31,560
Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, praise the Lord. Yeah, because if

588
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:35,040
Speaker 1: I can reconnect couples in that way, that that makes

589
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:36,919
Speaker 1: what I do worthwhile and I enjoy it very much.

590
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:38,680
Speaker 2: I love what you do. You're good at what you do,

591
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:41,119
Speaker 2: and I'm going to be sure to link to Sylvia's

592
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,800
Speaker 2: marriage coaching business and the show notes of this podcast.

593
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,840
Speaker 2: I'm still doing group coaching for those of you who

594
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,879
Speaker 2: are interested, but the individuals I am sending my friends

595
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:53,520
Speaker 2: away Praise the Lord. So thank you guys so much

596
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,920
Speaker 2: for listening. I know that y'all gleaned a lot out

597
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,600
Speaker 2: of this episode. Be sure to share this episode, maybe

598
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,399
Speaker 2: with your adult kids, kids who are going to start

599
00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,960
Speaker 2: their marriages, or maybe they're in young marriages. Use this

600
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:09,240
Speaker 2: obviously for yourself as well. And I'm excited to hear

601
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,399
Speaker 2: y'all's ideas. So if you want to shoot me an email,

602
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,960
Speaker 2: you can go to Danashay dot com Fort Slash Contact

603
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:15,960
Speaker 2: and let me know what are some of the creative

604
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,679
Speaker 2: date ideas that you've done or things that you're planning

605
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:20,560
Speaker 2: on doing. Sylvia, thank you so much for being with

606
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:21,040
Speaker 2: us today.

607
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:21,960
Speaker 1: Thank you for having me.

608
00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,320
Speaker 2: You're welcomes. This is so fun, all right you guys well.

609
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,200
Speaker 2: The show notes are available at danashay dot com, Fort

610
00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:31,120
Speaker 2: Slash podcast. I will see you on the next episode.

611
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:31,640
Speaker 2: Take care