Speaker 1: Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Here thousands of
Speaker 1: hours of Dennis's lectures courses in classic radio programs. Had
Speaker 1: to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles go to Dennisprager dot com.
Speaker 1: On today's episode of Timeless Wisdom.
Speaker 2: There is something exciting about developing a life with somebody,
Speaker 2: making a home, having friends, having a community, building a
Speaker 2: world larger than yourself.
Speaker 1: That's coming up on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager, and
Speaker 1: it starts right now.
Speaker 3: Weave last Time, which is available on tape.
Speaker 2: I think it was eleven Mistakes. I don't know how
Speaker 2: I got from eleven, but I got through eleven eleven
Speaker 2: mistakes singles making and interesting. By the way, there are
Speaker 2: people who subscribe.
Speaker 3: To a tape a month for me for my lecturing,
Speaker 3: and it never happened before. Really, I got.
Speaker 2: An email from a man who said, I am selling
Speaker 2: my subscription to your tapes, and I was insulted you.
Speaker 2: I'm a single man and I was insulted by your
Speaker 2: tape A mistake singles mate. And I wrote him back
Speaker 2: and I said, please, you're getting get a refund.
Speaker 3: It's a non issue.
Speaker 2: But I'm unbelievably curious what offended you? And I never responded,
Speaker 2: but I I it was an honest talk, not to offend,
Speaker 2: but to help actually believe it or not. I mean,
Speaker 2: that's the whole purpose of this get together.
Speaker 3: I believe in marriage.
Speaker 2: But while I believe in marriage, I also believe in
Speaker 2: a fulfilled life even if you're not married.
Speaker 3: So I was debating. I was thinking of giving a.
Speaker 2: Talk on how to lead a fulfilled life even while
Speaker 2: not married. And I really I do believe that's important.
Speaker 2: But I decided not to do that because I thought,
Speaker 2: wait a minute, wait a minute, Well.
Speaker 3: That's very important.
Speaker 2: That's not the point you want to get over, Dennis,
Speaker 2: he said to himself. And in fact, on the way here,
Speaker 2: how many of you have heard doctor Stephen Marma on
Speaker 2: my Happiness Show? All right, so a fair number of
Speaker 2: you he's on, Oh, I would say every other month.
Speaker 2: So I called him up and I said, Steve, here
Speaker 2: is my debate between these two topics. He said, I'll
Speaker 2: definitely give this other one and this other one is
Speaker 2: this why aren't people marrying? And I would like to
Speaker 2: discuss this with you. I'd like to because I mean
Speaker 2: discussed because I would like your feedback very much afterwards.
Speaker 2: And some of this will apply to you, and some
Speaker 2: of it will not apply to you at all, but
Speaker 2: will apply to many others.
Speaker 3: But you know, if you listen to me at all regularly.
Speaker 2: You know that I am very committed to Clara that
Speaker 2: if God came to me, I've often said and said, Dennis,
Speaker 2: you can have happiness or clarity. I would vote for
Speaker 2: Clara because I go crazy when things are not clear.
Speaker 2: I want to understand what's happening. And if I were
Speaker 2: single and things.
Speaker 3: Were not happening at least, I'd want to know why.
Speaker 4: Now I can't answer for any one of your lives,
Speaker 4: but I can say, as a general principle in American
Speaker 4: life today, I've isolated a number of factors, and I
Speaker 4: am sure some will hit you personally, and.
Speaker 2: Some will you will hit people that you know. But
Speaker 2: I think that they are all relevant, and I don't
Speaker 2: know if they're in order of importance, but they are
Speaker 2: all very important. So as I give almost all my
Speaker 2: talks in numerical sequence, let me give this one as well.
Speaker 3: That way, how many reasons that I come up with, Let's.
Speaker 2: Sing eighth, justin I'm not eleven eight reasons people are
Speaker 2: not marrying today. The first may in fact be the
Speaker 2: most important, but it's first among equals because they're all
Speaker 2: very important. This is a very difficult one to overcome,
Speaker 2: and I think a lot of you are afflicted with it.
Speaker 2: I know I would be afflicted with it if I
Speaker 2: were single. And that is comparing people to an image
Speaker 2: of perfection. And it is not entirely your fault. If
Speaker 2: you do this, it's partially your fault, and it's partially
Speaker 2: an inevitable fact of American life today. I know men
Speaker 2: better than I know women. In fact, it's easier to
Speaker 2: know men better than one of those women. Did you
Speaker 2: ever see that email? You know, email has a world
Speaker 2: to itself the Internet, and if you get on enough lists,
Speaker 2: you'll get a lot of junk.
Speaker 3: As you know.
Speaker 2: I have had more breast enlargement ads and penis enlargement
Speaker 2: ads than I really care to receive at any given day.
Speaker 2: But I can live through those ads because sometimes I
Speaker 2: actually get something really funny. And I got one that
Speaker 2: was circulating the internet. I wish I had it in
Speaker 2: front of me, but it goes something like this, how
Speaker 2: to please. It's how to please a woman? And then
Speaker 2: how to please a man, How to please a woman takes.
Speaker 3: Up an entire page.
Speaker 2: Stroke herves, speak softly to her, speak sweetly, bring the
Speaker 2: proper flowers, caress her when necessary, an entire list of
Speaker 2: complex actions for a man to know. Then how to
Speaker 2: please a man, bring food, and show up naked. And
Speaker 2: that was it. It was perfect.
Speaker 3: There was nothing left to be said. That was exactly right.
Speaker 2: And so there is no question and that women are
Speaker 2: more complex preachers, I have no doubt about that. So
Speaker 2: when I speak, even here as an example, when I
Speaker 2: speak about how each sex has its image of perfection
Speaker 2: that stymies their ability to meet somebody real who could
Speaker 2: actually make a beautiful.
Speaker 3: Life with them.
Speaker 2: For men, a typical problem would be the search for
Speaker 2: a ten. You recall the movie I think it was
Speaker 2: with Bo Derek called Ten, where you had.
Speaker 3: This perfect female physical figure.
Speaker 2: She was all of probably twenty one years of age
Speaker 2: at the time and was photographed perfectly. Everything was perfect.
Speaker 2: There was the search for a ten. There is no
Speaker 2: doubt in my mind that for many men today, they
Speaker 2: are They go to bed alone, ninety percent of the year,
Speaker 2: they dine alone, they are alone, they're lonely. In some
Speaker 2: ways because they're looking for a ten. There was a
Speaker 2: very powerful and disturbing article on this very point by
Speaker 2: a man, a friend of mine in fact, Michael Levine,
Speaker 2: who's a very major publicist in Hollywood, and I was
Speaker 2: very impressed with the candor and the honesty in his article.
Speaker 2: It was published in Psychology Today, and I had him
Speaker 2: on my show. He wrote an article why I'm single,
Speaker 2: and he began by saying as follows, I don't.
Speaker 3: Like being single. It is not bringing me happiness. I
Speaker 3: know that I would be happy.
Speaker 2: Or married, but I am paralyzed in choosing a woman
Speaker 2: because all day long I see so many beautiful women.
Speaker 2: Now this is not fully clear to a woman. It
Speaker 2: can't be because you're made differently than us. But on
Speaker 2: any man here, I would say ninety nine percent of
Speaker 2: the men here because nothing is true for everyone can
Speaker 2: understand the effect that that has, because that is the
Speaker 2: way we're wired.
Speaker 3: And so he was.
Speaker 2: Saying, both in my work in Hollywood, I'm a publicist
Speaker 2: for actresses and in the media television, adds, billboards, movies,
Speaker 2: all I is bombarded with one beautiful woman after another,
Speaker 2: and so how could I commit to one when I
Speaker 2: know that an hour later, a week later, there will
Speaker 2: be a better ten or another ten. So the reason
Speaker 2: that I admire his article is not because I admire
Speaker 2: what he's.
Speaker 3: Doing with his life. He doesn't admire what he's doing
Speaker 3: with his life.
Speaker 2: He is rational enough to saying, I am ruining my
Speaker 2: life by giving in to my nature.
Speaker 3: Many men don't.
Speaker 2: Even acknowledge, as far as Missus Levine did, what they
Speaker 2: are doing to themselves by the image of ten or
Speaker 2: whatever other way you want to configure, this image of
Speaker 2: the perfect woman and stopping themselves from actually having a
Speaker 2: beautiful and meaningful relationship with a real woman who can
Speaker 2: bring them a great deal of joy, but who doesn't
Speaker 2: qualify as an instantaneous ten. Now, for women, there is
Speaker 2: the exact same or for many women, there is the
Speaker 2: exact same symmetry, but it's not a ten.
Speaker 3: Women are not looking for.
Speaker 2: A Tom Cruise replica a physical ten. I mean sixteen
Speaker 2: year old girls, maybe twenty year old girls even, but
Speaker 2: women as opposed to girls don't. For a woman, a
Speaker 2: ten is not composed of looks, although that helps, but
Speaker 2: it is composed of financial ability, power, sexiness, in other
Speaker 2: ways that are more complex than what is sexy to
Speaker 2: a male. It may be more complex, but it is
Speaker 2: also very paralyzing for many women who disqualify good men,
Speaker 2: potentially wonderful mates on the basis of their earning power
Speaker 2: and so on. Now, I don't blame either sex. I
Speaker 2: think it is so hardwired. Barbara Walters, who makes many
Speaker 2: millions of dollars, tens of billions of dollars, This woman,
Speaker 2: when she married, married a man who made even more
Speaker 2: money than she. Jane Fund, a multi multi multimillionaire, married
Speaker 2: Ted Turner, who was a multi billionaire. Now, why wouldn't
Speaker 2: she marry? Why wouldn't did Jane Vund? I hate to
Speaker 2: use her as an example. It's painful, but.
Speaker 3: What am I going to do?
Speaker 2: Cut her values aside? Why would she not? After all,
Speaker 2: she has all that money. She doesn't need a man
Speaker 2: with money. Yet it is hardwired into a woman to
Speaker 2: want a man who has achieved more than she has.
Speaker 2: As a general rule, women can overcome this, but it's hardwired.
Speaker 2: And we can't go anywhere in life if we don't
Speaker 2: know where we begin. And we begin with our wiring,
Speaker 2: we are we Men are wired in a certain way
Speaker 2: and women are wired in a certain way, and it's
Speaker 2: good to know that, and eve sex has to know
Speaker 2: that about the other. It's very foolish for a woman
Speaker 2: to say, oh, I don't care how I look.
Speaker 3: A man will know my heart.
Speaker 2: Well, that's absurd, just as it's absurd for a man
Speaker 2: to say, I don't need any professional ambition whatsoever.
Speaker 3: A woman will know my heart. That's nonsense.
Speaker 2: A woman wants a man who wants to conquer, a
Speaker 2: man who wants to achieve.
Speaker 3: I don't mean a man who is driven only to.
Speaker 2: That, although women do like that often and then they
Speaker 2: pay the big price when they get married. A man
Speaker 2: who is driven to achieve and achieve an immense amount,
Speaker 2: and then she notices he doesn't pay any attention to her, Well,
Speaker 2: didn't you marry somebody you wanted to just be driven
Speaker 2: to achievement?
Speaker 3: Or likewise, the beautiful woman, Oh soho.
Speaker 2: He married a gorgeous woman, but that's all she is,
Speaker 2: and her gorgeosity seems to fade very rapidly in his
Speaker 2: eyes because because there's nothing else going on there that
Speaker 2: each sex is fooled by its wiring, But it doesn't
Speaker 2: mean that the wiring is unimportant. A man cannot go
Speaker 2: and say it doesn't matter what I do for a living,
Speaker 2: or it doesn't matter if I am ambitious at all
Speaker 2: that I want to achieve in the outer world. And
Speaker 2: a woman can't say it doesn't matter how I look.
Speaker 2: You could say that, but there are consequences, but that's aside.
Speaker 2: My first point is that each sex is walking around
Speaker 2: many members, not all with a certain image of perfection. Now,
Speaker 2: putting aside income for men and putting aside looks for women,
Speaker 2: there are other problems even with perfection, because even then
Speaker 2: you date and you spend time together, and all of
Speaker 2: a sudden, you start noticing that the other person actually
Speaker 2: has flaws. Because, let's face it, in the very beginning,
Speaker 2: the chemistry of attraction is so powerful that we imagine that.
Speaker 3: The person we're falling in love with his flaws.
Speaker 2: And then the hutzpah of that person to actually have
Speaker 2: some flaws. After the opening, chemistry starts to slightly wane
Speaker 2: and we have entered real life. But that is inevitable.
Speaker 2: Here's what you do with recognizing that there are flaws
Speaker 2: in the person that you are thinking of perhaps spending
Speaker 2: your life with Number one, asking yourself, is it a
Speaker 2: flaw I can live with? That's very important.
Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.
Speaker 1: Now back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom.
Speaker 2: Now, there are flaws you can live with, there are
Speaker 2: flaws you can't live with. You have to know yourself,
Speaker 2: which it is every single person. And this is the
Speaker 2: other key point that you have to bear in mind.
Speaker 2: This is very tough.
Speaker 3: But we come with flaws too. It's a very tough
Speaker 3: one to do.
Speaker 2: And I know you all know that you have flaws.
Speaker 2: It's an intellectual knowledge, but in your gut, do you
Speaker 2: really believe it? And here's a little test that I think,
Speaker 2: here's a little test that you might want to apply
Speaker 2: to yourself. Want you to not now, but at some
Speaker 2: point when you get home, and don't do it on
Speaker 2: a first date. I want you to write down what
Speaker 2: your flaws are, honestly say these are my flaws? And
Speaker 2: or do you have any idiots syncrasies? See, like I
Speaker 2: go through life. I am convinced I have no idiosyncrasies.
Speaker 3: I did.
Speaker 2: I can tell you my flaws that I truly can,
Speaker 2: but idiosyncrasies.
Speaker 3: I don't think I have any.
Speaker 2: Now, anybody who works with me or who lives with
Speaker 2: me would keel over in laughter at the idea that
Speaker 2: I don't have idiosyncrasies, but I, for the life of me,
Speaker 2: cannot name any because what is an idiosyncratic to you
Speaker 2: about me is to mean normal about me to me,
Speaker 2: and the same thing with your idiosyncracies about you, they
Speaker 2: are perfectly normal.
Speaker 3: That's all.
Speaker 2: You like to go to bed listening to the Dixie Chicks.
Speaker 3: On your radio, that's all.
Speaker 2: To you, that is normal, But to somebody else that
Speaker 2: is a little idiosyncratic. Or you prefer to sleep with
Speaker 2: your head hanging over the mattress. If you prefer to
Speaker 2: sleep that way, to you, that is thoroughly normal. To
Speaker 2: the rest of us, it's a bit idiosyncratic. Everybody comes
Speaker 2: with idiosyncrasies and with flaws, But if you have an
Speaker 2: image of perfection, flaws cancels that person out.
Speaker 3: That is why.
Speaker 2: I'm always amazed people tell me they dated for seven
Speaker 2: years the same person, and so I say, well, what
Speaker 2: did you exactly learn.
Speaker 3: After seven years? I mean, what is there to learn?
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't even understand that concept unless it's
Speaker 2: like from seventeen to twenty four.
Speaker 3: But if you're more than those, there's nothing left.
Speaker 2: After two years. To be honest, it's pretty much you
Speaker 2: know the person. Nobody acts for two years. They can
Speaker 2: act for three dates, but for two years, it's not
Speaker 2: possible to act that all. Anyway, those are things that
Speaker 2: baffle me. But number one is critical. You've got to
Speaker 2: get rid of this image of perfection. You're flawed. Anyone
Speaker 2: you love will be flawed. Can you handle those flaws? Now, ironically,
Speaker 2: are a little better at this, believe it or not
Speaker 2: than women. When on most micross things met women are
Speaker 2: probably more highly developed. But here it is because women
Speaker 2: marry men convinced they'll make them better.
Speaker 3: They will change them. Now.
Speaker 2: By the way, again, this is a double edged sword
Speaker 2: because it actually is a good idea.
Speaker 3: I am definitely.
Speaker 2: I mean, it's painful for me to tell you how
Speaker 2: much better I am because of my wife and because.
Speaker 3: Of the marriage.
Speaker 2: It's only painful because I realized what I started out as.
Speaker 3: That's why.
Speaker 2: But there's no question about it that I am a
Speaker 2: better that I am a better person in so many
Speaker 2: given ways. But on the other hand, if my wife
Speaker 2: made it a project to change me regularly, I would
Speaker 2: resent it. The trick is to make it a project.
Speaker 2: But I let him know about it. I guess that's
Speaker 2: the I don't know how it's done. But in all
Speaker 2: Syria business, that really is a problem that has to
Speaker 2: because you can't marry thinking well as he is now
Speaker 2: he is insufferable, but five year course with.
Speaker 3: Me he will be quite a man. You can't do that.
Speaker 2: It's not good for you and it's not good for him. Now,
Speaker 2: why do we have these images of perfection whereas previous
Speaker 2: generations did not? Right, that's a question that needs to
Speaker 2: be asked. And here again we live. You know, Dickens said,
Speaker 2: it's the best of times, it's the worst of times.
Speaker 3: That's probably true in most ages.
Speaker 2: We live in the best of times in many ways,
Speaker 2: but we live in the worst of times in some ways.
Speaker 2: And the media have a very powerful impact on us,
Speaker 2: unbelievably powerful, and more negative than positive. And the imagery
Speaker 2: of people that we are bombarded with every day, perfect
Speaker 2: males and perfect of course it's all an act, but
Speaker 2: they look perfect and they sound perfect, and it gives
Speaker 2: us an image in how are flawed life? Oh, there
Speaker 2: is a woman out there like that, there is a
Speaker 2: man out there like that, And so there is no
Speaker 2: way to really understand the flawed nature of anybody you
Speaker 2: will ever love when there is such perfection out there
Speaker 2: that is being offered to you as a real alternative.
Speaker 2: But it's all an act, and even the actors fall
Speaker 2: in for it. That's why actors marry actors. They fell
Speaker 2: in love on the set of a movie. You hear
Speaker 2: that all the time, and then they divorce a year later.
Speaker 2: They're off the set. They even fool themselves. And I
Speaker 2: don't say that disparagingly. It's very understandable why they would divorce,
Speaker 2: and it's very understandable why Hollywood actors would.
Speaker 3: Divorce a great deal because they're.
Speaker 2: Constantly around tens in an abnormal way that never existed
Speaker 2: in human history. Perfect imagery of the opposit, it's sex,
Speaker 2: is around them at all times, acting perfectly, given the
Speaker 2: right lines in the right lighting.
Speaker 3: You're not given lines in lighting at.
Speaker 2: A twenty four hour beautician, right, but they are, so
Speaker 2: of course they fall in love with the next best
Speaker 2: man or best woman on the set. But it happens
Speaker 2: to us too that we fall in love with the
Speaker 2: best man or best woman on the set, or at
Speaker 2: least keep in our mind that there is such a
Speaker 2: man out there or there is such.
Speaker 3: A woman out there.
Speaker 2: I think all eight are critical, but perhaps that one
Speaker 2: is the most important. The image of perfection that we
Speaker 2: hold and a normal, wonderful person isn't wonderful enough. Number
Speaker 2: two Again, I'm answering the question why people are not
Speaker 2: marrying today. A lot of people see unhappiness in their parents' marriage,
Speaker 2: or for that matter, in others marriages, not just their parents,
Speaker 2: or not even necessarily their parents, and so they conclude
Speaker 2: that such happiness is a inevitable to marriage, and be's
Speaker 2: is something I must avoid.
Speaker 3: Well, let me deal with that. Yes, the fact is unhappiness.
Speaker 2: Is inevitable to marriage. Okay, let me clue you in
Speaker 2: in case you've never been married. If you have been married,
Speaker 2: you certainly know this is true. There are unhappy times
Speaker 2: in marriages. It's a fact. I don't know of a
Speaker 2: marriage in which that has not been true. There may
Speaker 2: exist such a marriage. I remember meeting a couple and
Speaker 2: doing my research for my book on happiness, and they
Speaker 2: both looked at me and said with absolute seriousness that
Speaker 2: they had never fought once in their marriage. Of course,
Speaker 2: with all respect, they both seemed comatose to me, and
Speaker 2: the comatose, don't fight much. I mean, this was really
Speaker 2: mister and missus dispassionate that I was talking to.
Speaker 3: We never fight in it, no, honey, we never fight.
Speaker 2: And if they worked it out, God blessed them. But
Speaker 2: the vast majority of people fight in their marriage. The
Speaker 2: vast majority of people wonder, at some point in their
Speaker 2: marriage did they make a mistake? Think about what would
Speaker 2: it be like if they were single again? These are
Speaker 2: not nightmares, these are normal parts of life.
Speaker 3: Hey.
Speaker 2: The vast majority of parents sometimes wonder why the hell
Speaker 2: did they have this kid?
Speaker 3: Does that mean? Is that an argument against parent?
Speaker 2: It is very interesting to me that people don't use
Speaker 2: the same arguments against parenthood that they use against marriage.
Speaker 2: Is parenthood always fun? Ask your parents in case you
Speaker 2: really want to know. And I adore being a parent.
Speaker 2: It is adore it. It is an unbelievable source of
Speaker 2: joy in my life. But it is also a very
Speaker 2: strong source of.
Speaker 3: Burden. It's a burden to be a parent.
Speaker 2: They were just when I didn't want to wake up
Speaker 2: at six o'clock and watch cartoons after having worked till two.
Speaker 2: There are times when you just don't want to play
Speaker 2: another game of ball or to or to to clean
Speaker 2: up more vomit or God knows what you do. I mean,
Speaker 2: it's of course not, of course not. And children have
Speaker 2: a very challenging impact on marriages. They're the biggest single
Speaker 2: challenge to a marriage. It's my old line. God has
Speaker 2: a sense of humor. That which is created by passion
Speaker 2: then destroys it.
Speaker 3: And so.
Speaker 2: You know, when you think of children and their effect
Speaker 2: on the sex life of a couple, you know, I
Speaker 2: have met and I have met cups. Oh, it had
Speaker 2: no effect on our sex life. You know, I want to,
Speaker 2: you know, bring them to the Smithsonian. I really to me,
Speaker 2: it is, how is that possible? Do you do it
Speaker 2: while they're crying? I don't understand. But you know, if
Speaker 2: unhappy times make you avoid something, it should make you
Speaker 2: avoid parenthood. It should make you avoid anything meaningful in life,
Speaker 2: because everything meaningful has unhappiness attached to it, has tension,
Speaker 2: has unhappiness, has difficult times.
Speaker 3: That's inevitable.
Speaker 2: So if you say, well, my friend's marriage, my parents marriage,
Speaker 2: I saw these this unhappiness. Yes, that happens, but now
Speaker 2: too much of it is bad. I believe in divorce.
Speaker 2: When it gets too much, I do right I don't
Speaker 2: believe that life imprisonment, which is what a bad marriage is,
Speaker 2: is only for anyone but murderers. And if you didn't murder,
Speaker 2: you don't deserve life imprisonment and a bad marriage. On
Speaker 2: the other hand, it is part of marriage. It is
Speaker 2: part of life. It could take years, in fact, and
Speaker 2: then you overcome it and you reach a greater place
Speaker 2: where if you've worked it out, there is a deeper
Speaker 2: love and a deeper satisfaction. And most people who bury
Speaker 2: a second time. In fact, the divorce rate in second
Speaker 2: marriages is greater than the divorce rate in first marriages
Speaker 2: because they have imagined, oh, i'll trade this one in
Speaker 2: for a much better model. But they've not traded in
Speaker 2: their problems. They've only traded.
Speaker 3: In the person, but not their problems.
Speaker 2: Sometimes it does work, they'll get me wrong, of course
Speaker 2: it does. But this notion that I've seen my parents
Speaker 2: on happiness or I've seen friends on happiness in their marriage,
Speaker 2: is a very poor excuse for not marrying. What you
Speaker 2: do is you marry better, not perfect, just better. You'll
Speaker 2: work on it better. If you're part of the reason
Speaker 2: that your parents' marriage was not that good, was that
Speaker 2: your your father was a workaholic.
Speaker 3: Don't marry a workaholic.
Speaker 2: I mean, who knows what reason there might have been,
Speaker 2: but that is not a good reason. And I remember,
Speaker 2: I mean, I get this a lot on the radio,
Speaker 2: where whenever the subject comes up, where a woman will
Speaker 2: call me said, I love this man i'm dating, but
Speaker 2: he was burned in his first marriage. What is it?
Speaker 3: Burned in his first marriage? So he should go to
Speaker 3: what burn more and then go out again.
Speaker 2: I listen, I know guy's excuses for not committing so
Speaker 2: well that I mean, I could in my sleep, I
Speaker 2: could utter them.
Speaker 1: This episode of timeless wisdom will continue right after this.
Speaker 1: Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom.
Speaker 2: If a guy doesn't want to get married, he should
Speaker 2: be honest and say in the mirror and to the
Speaker 2: woman he's with, honey, I don't want to get married.
Speaker 2: As as much as I may love you, I just
Speaker 2: don't want to. But please don't give me this nonsense
Speaker 2: that I hate when people lie to themselves. I don't
Speaker 2: lying to others is bad, but to yourself is beyond redemption.
Speaker 3: And for a man to say, or a woman, well,
Speaker 3: I was so.
Speaker 2: Burned in my first marriage, and I can't imagine marrying again.
Speaker 2: You're lying yourself or you're so weak that you shouldn't
Speaker 2: be married. It's an I think it's an announcement to
Speaker 2: a woman that the guy is just weak. What if
Speaker 2: a guy said, you know, I was really injured in
Speaker 2: this car crash, I'm not going to drive again, you'd
Speaker 2: think you were with a wimp. And women tend not
Speaker 2: to like whims. Why is that any different with marriage?
Speaker 2: Why is that any different? You were burned in the car,
Speaker 2: you drive again. You were burned in a marriage, you
Speaker 2: marry again. Kind of nonsense. Just to me, that's nonsense,
Speaker 2: And it's it's a it's just an excuse for somebody
Speaker 2: not wanting to deal with the reality of commitment, which
Speaker 2: is not what is wired in for men. But then
Speaker 2: they should just be honest about it. So that's so
Speaker 2: much for people not marrying because they see unhappiness. There's
Speaker 2: a deeper element here. People don't want pain. We live
Speaker 2: in a risk averse and pain averse society. Okay, I
Speaker 2: mean people that the slightest thing seems to just bother
Speaker 2: a lot.
Speaker 3: Of Americans terribly.
Speaker 2: Any pain whatsoever of the physical variety, any annoyance. It's
Speaker 2: just you know, I'm going to assume because of my anguish.
Speaker 2: Oh God, I forgot it. There was a recent lawsuit
Speaker 2: over something utterly trivial, five million dollars for the anguish
Speaker 2: that the person suffered. I mean, I don't remember what
Speaker 2: it was, but I remember thinking. First of all, anybody
Speaker 2: who had a lot of anguish from that needs deep,
Speaker 2: deep therapy immediately. They don't need five million dollars. They
Speaker 2: need a good therapist. But it is a common thing now.
Speaker 2: I don't want any pain. Yes, there is pain in marriage.
Speaker 3: Hello.
Speaker 2: There is pain in marriage. There is pain in parenthood,
Speaker 2: there is pain in leadership. There is pain in everything
Speaker 2: worthwhile in life. If you wish to live life without pain,
Speaker 2: then so declare and tell anybody you're dating, because otherwise
Speaker 2: you're being dishonest in dating and implying that you actually
Speaker 2: want to live a real life which contains pain. There's
Speaker 2: nothing wrong with pain. Pain is part of life. If
Speaker 2: you don't feel pain, you're you are literally dead. Pain
Speaker 2: means you're alive. Pain is a wake up call to
Speaker 2: fixing something. Pain is okay, but people are afraid of it.
Speaker 2: I saw the pain in my friend's marriage, boy, I
Speaker 2: don't want to risk it.
Speaker 3: Well why not?
Speaker 2: Isn't the upside worth it? Are you all that thrilled
Speaker 2: right now?
Speaker 3: You know?
Speaker 2: People should should look at their lives. I want people
Speaker 2: to lead fulfilled lives while they're single.
Speaker 3: Absolutely.
Speaker 2: I told you I debated whether that would be my
Speaker 2: first topic to the topic today or not. It's very
Speaker 2: important that you not delay living life till you meet
Speaker 2: the right person.
Speaker 3: That's true.
Speaker 2: But in the meantime it is it is still worth
Speaker 2: meeting somebody and making that life, even though there's pain,
Speaker 2: and you know that all things considered, it's probably better
Speaker 2: to be with somebody if it is meaningful just to
Speaker 2: be with a human another body is not. But if
Speaker 2: there is something meaningful, of course it's better.
Speaker 3: You move on in life.
Speaker 2: Why are people not marrying? Reason number three? Because almost
Speaker 2: everything seems to be available without marrying. That's a very
Speaker 2: big factor. Just to give three examples, sex, companionship, and children.
Speaker 2: People used to marry for sex, companionship, and children, not
Speaker 2: necessarily in that order, but they did marry.
Speaker 3: For those three things.
Speaker 2: You can now have sex without marriage, companionship without marriage,
Speaker 2: and children without marriage, and nobody will yell at you,
Speaker 2: and there will be no stigma attached to your lifestyle.
Speaker 3: And so a lot of people think, Hey, why bother?
Speaker 3: I could have all.
Speaker 2: Those things anyway, even and I could even order in
Speaker 2: good Moses. So whatever it is that may have moved
Speaker 2: people in the past doesn't seem to move them now.
Speaker 2: This too, happens to be a blessing and a curse.
Speaker 2: The blessing part of it is that you really won't
Speaker 2: marry out of desperation. The curse part is, though, you
Speaker 2: won't marry at all, and that's what a lot of
Speaker 2: people are deciding to do.
Speaker 3: And you have to ask yourself.
Speaker 2: At a very you know, at a very serious moment,
Speaker 2: maybe two am, if you're not sleeping, Well, ask yourself
Speaker 2: this question. Am I happy with the way life is
Speaker 2: going right now? If I have a choice? Now, not
Speaker 2: everybody has a choice to marry. I acknowledge that fact obviously,
Speaker 2: But if you do have that choice or feel you
Speaker 2: have that choice, And I address especially a lot of
Speaker 2: men here, but not only men at all. I'll talk
Speaker 2: about the women issue in a moment, you really are
Speaker 2: happy with more dating? I mean, isn't there a time
Speaker 2: of life where you just say to yourself. My god,
Speaker 2: it's a little deja vous going on here. It's like
Speaker 2: groundhog Day constantly. The beauty of groundhog Day, which is
Speaker 2: why it's one of my favorite films. In the film
Speaker 2: I've seen more than any other film that I've ever watched,
Speaker 2: is that it has a phenomenal lesson that until you
Speaker 2: finally grow up, you can't move on. You're stuck in
Speaker 2: the same day. And a lot of singles, not all
Speaker 2: are stuck in that realm in the same day until
Speaker 2: you grow up and say, hey, wait a minute, I
Speaker 2: do have to move on. There is behavior that is
Speaker 2: appropriate in my twenties, perhaps, but not now.
Speaker 3: It's time to make a life, make a home, build something.
Speaker 2: Be part of a community, not just an autonomous, floating
Speaker 2: human being, which is so easily done in our modern
Speaker 2: day society. Number four, back to our media, and this
Speaker 2: is a very real problem. Marriage is almost never portrayed
Speaker 2: as desirable. I'm sure it exists. I don't know movies
Speaker 2: that well, but I cannot personally remember seeing a movie
Speaker 2: that depicted marriage as good. Maybe that's boring movie. Maybe no,
Speaker 2: I'm serious. Maybe a film about a good marriage.
Speaker 3: Will just put people to sleep.
Speaker 2: Well, good night, honey, I love you, sweetheart, I love
Speaker 2: you too. Why would you like for breakfast? I'll be
Speaker 2: happy to have it. And honey, can I bring home
Speaker 2: some flowers for you? Would put most audiences to sleep,
Speaker 2: Not that that is the definition of a good marriage,
Speaker 2: but you get my point.
Speaker 3: Nevertheless, all the good sex.
Speaker 2: For example, in movies, is of either married people having
Speaker 2: an affair or unmarried people.
Speaker 3: When is there good sex in a marriage? I can't
Speaker 3: think of it.
Speaker 2: I'm sure it exists, but if it exists, it's maybe
Speaker 2: one of a thousand marriages. But by most every study
Speaker 2: that has ever been done, While of course there are
Speaker 2: even sexless marriages, that is true, where it's just the
Speaker 2: passion has just died or what have you, and it's
Speaker 2: very tragic. Nevertheless, by and large, it seems that married
Speaker 2: people do have sex as it happens, contrary to Hollywood's vision,
Speaker 2: and that they may even enjoy it, and that it
Speaker 2: could even be exciting.
Speaker 3: Now, it is true that it is hard.
Speaker 2: The chemistry of the brain is so wired in both
Speaker 2: sexes that there is something staggering about a As you
Speaker 2: fall in love and lust together at the same time,
Speaker 2: those moments are very difficult to recapture.
Speaker 3: That is true. And if you live for excitement, which.
Speaker 2: I'm going to come to in a moment as another factor,
Speaker 2: then it is a problem. But marriage just isn't given
Speaker 2: the good name that it used to be. It's not honored.
Speaker 2: It's like another life choice, that's all it is. I
Speaker 2: remember years ago, and I was right when I saw
Speaker 2: this as momentous. Stanford University announced I don't know, maybe
Speaker 2: ten fifteen years ago, and I announced it on the radio.
Speaker 3: It was a little news item.
Speaker 2: It was no longer reserving its special apartments.
Speaker 3: There are very few apartments apparently around Stanford for.
Speaker 2: Married couples who you know, students who are studying there
Speaker 2: who were married.
Speaker 3: Now anybody could live there. And I said, this is
Speaker 3: Stanford's way of saying, we don't want to honor marriage.
Speaker 3: And now, of course marriage is not honored at all.
Speaker 2: Any anything, any single, any communal thing, is just as good.
Speaker 3: And it is very sad.
Speaker 2: Marriage is just not celebrated in the society at lart.
Speaker 2: It is celebrated in religious life, but of course not
Speaker 2: all Americans are religious. Number five, and this is related
Speaker 2: to what I was just saying. I have often characterized
Speaker 2: our age you know, it was the Renaissance, the age
Speaker 2: of reason, the age of Enlightenment. We live in the
Speaker 2: age of stupidity, and I believe that, and it's directly
Speaker 2: related to the proliferation of the number of professors the
Speaker 2: But there is another term for the age in which
Speaker 2: we live, and that is the age of excitement. This
Speaker 2: it's very important to be excited as much as possible.
Speaker 2: And I want to tell you there is a chemical
Speaker 2: and psychological basis here. It is almost like addiction. Do
Speaker 2: you know when you get excited, whatever the excitement may
Speaker 2: be at a sporting event, at a horror movie, in sex,
Speaker 2: there are hormones that are secreted at that time, including adrenaline,
Speaker 2: and that is a high. It's like a drug induced high.
Speaker 2: Chemically speaking, you can become very much addicted to it,
Speaker 2: like you are addicted to a drug induced high. I
Speaker 2: have to be excited. If a day goes by where
Speaker 2: there's no excitement, it's a bad day. Now again, I
Speaker 2: am not an asthetic and I'm not anti excitement. The
Speaker 2: trick is what do you get excited over? And here
Speaker 2: we have a problem because people get excited. They want
Speaker 2: excitement as much as possible, and marriage does not seem
Speaker 2: to offer regular excitement, and the truth is it doesn't.
Speaker 2: Marriage does not offer But please, let's be honest. A
Speaker 2: single life offer regular excitement. It offers periodic possible excitement.
Speaker 2: That's all it does. And I dare say that in
Speaker 2: the life of a decently married couple there is more
Speaker 2: excitement than in the life of a typical single.
Speaker 3: So please, it's true. It is true.
Speaker 1: This episode of timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.
Speaker 1: Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom.
Speaker 2: Married life is not constantly exciting. If you value constant excitement,
Speaker 2: then you must live a life of roller coasters. You
Speaker 2: visit all the theme parks, see horror movies, get into
Speaker 2: as much and as.
Speaker 3: Variegated sex as possible. The addiction to.
Speaker 2: Excitement, though, is a problem because while I was exciting yesterday,
Speaker 2: is not exciting today. I have monitored my whole life.
Speaker 2: Hugh Hefner's life, I don't know. It is a very
Speaker 2: is it is a very important thing to study because
Speaker 2: he is living the male fantasy. Life endless supply of
Speaker 2: beautiful women is the male fantasy.
Speaker 3: I mean, look at how you know. Islamic terror rists.
Speaker 2: Are told that they will be rewarded, right, seventy two
Speaker 2: virgins in heaven?
Speaker 3: Is this transcends any given culture? Wow?
Speaker 2: Seventy two. Well that's getting into Hefnarian proportions when you
Speaker 2: talk that way. But it's a very interesting thing. Hefner's
Speaker 2: life was a series of singular acts of sex with
Speaker 2: beautiful women, very enticing to the male libido. But that
Speaker 2: has now apparently bored him. Sex with even an endless
Speaker 2: variety of beautiful young women is now boring to him,
Speaker 2: And so he has with seven at a time, and
Speaker 2: he tells the world this, this is not I don't
Speaker 2: have any inside information. He walks around, he goes on television,
Speaker 2: He gets photographed with seven twenty two year old essentially
Speaker 2: women who, as it happens, look like clones of one another,
Speaker 2: which is fascinating in and of itself.
Speaker 3: But that's a separate issue.
Speaker 2: In other words, what was exciting before when you asked
Speaker 2: almost any man, imagine an endless variety of a playboy
Speaker 2: models to have at your rebecca call.
Speaker 3: That is no longer sufficient.
Speaker 2: So at seven at a time, I saw one photograph
Speaker 2: where it was now eleven. Soon it will be the
Speaker 2: rose bowl. Who knows we don't know at what number
Speaker 2: excitement will be necessary. The film Carnal Knowledge depicts us
Speaker 2: the Jack Nicholson character. He is so jaded sexually that
Speaker 2: only very precise sexual wording and acting will actually arouse him.
Speaker 2: Jaded misses a very that's the bad side of constant excitement.
Speaker 2: Excitement is good, but you know, there are a lot
Speaker 2: of forms of excitement in life. It is exciting to
Speaker 2: write a book. It is exciting to finish a book
Speaker 2: that you've just read. It is exciting to see your
Speaker 2: children grow up. It is exciting to have friends. It
Speaker 2: is exciting to travel. There are many forms of excitement,
Speaker 2: and they are desirable. Excitement is good. It can't be
Speaker 2: relied on, but it is certainly a good thing to
Speaker 2: have in life.
Speaker 3: I like it. Who doesn't like it?
Speaker 2: But if you get trapped into the well marriage isn't exciting,
Speaker 2: then of course don't get married. But marriage is exciting
Speaker 2: if there are byproducts of marriage that you consider exciting.
Speaker 2: There is something exciting about developing a life with somebody,
Speaker 2: making a home, having friends, having a community, building a world.
Speaker 3: Larger than yourself. It's a different form of excitement. It's
Speaker 3: not as adrenaline rush as.
Speaker 2: The excitement of oh my god, I met this, and
Speaker 2: fill in your series of adjectives and watch your life
Speaker 2: just move on as you're not moving on with your years.
Speaker 2: So the age of excitement is a real problem. You
Speaker 2: look at television, it's all very very exciting, very exciting. Indeed,
Speaker 2: that's why I think it plays a corrosive effect in
Speaker 2: people's lives, because television promises you constant excitement, and it
Speaker 2: makes you think, and it makes your body chemistry think
Speaker 2: that that's critical number six. And I don't mean this
Speaker 2: as criticism as much as I mean it as description.
Speaker 2: Feminism has played a role in why people don't marry.
Speaker 2: In this case, why women don't marry. Feminism essentially taught
Speaker 2: women that they don't need men, and a lot of
Speaker 2: women of my generation from the sixties seventies believed this.
Speaker 2: I remember the famous bumper sticker, A woman without a
Speaker 2: man is like a fish without a bicycle. It's a
Speaker 2: very funny bumper sticker. I thought it was hilarious, and
Speaker 2: as it happens, I fish do need bicycles.
Speaker 3: It was a very common misconception, but.
Speaker 2: This idea was planted in young women of my generation
Speaker 2: who were now middle aged. They bought this, Hey I
Speaker 2: don't need a man. Maybe my mother thought she needed
Speaker 2: a man, but she was a loser. Mom was a
Speaker 2: loser because mom didn't go to college and mom didn't.
Speaker 3: Have a career.
Speaker 2: All mom did was stay at home and raise kids
Speaker 2: and make a home.
Speaker 3: Gee, what a loser? A winner has a job.
Speaker 2: This is what was sent, the message sent to women,
Speaker 2: and they bought it. How could they not buy it?
Speaker 2: Who was going to argue against it?
Speaker 3: You think their mother or their father was capable of arguing.
Speaker 2: Against the professor so and so in women's studies, or
Speaker 2: in sociology or political science or psychology. The parents' generation
Speaker 2: didn't know how to argue. Kid would come home from college,
Speaker 2: the young woman and say and just mauve all these ideas.
Speaker 2: And the parents didn't have intellectual answers against intellectual nonsense.
Speaker 2: They weren't capable of saying, excuse me, a PhD isn't
Speaker 2: worth a hill of beans compared to making a home.
Speaker 2: That's what they should have said, but they were intimidated into.
Speaker 3: Not saying it.
Speaker 2: And so a lot of women just thought, hey, I
Speaker 2: don't need a man, and you know anything, anytime that
Speaker 2: I want companionship or you know, just somehow fine a guy,
Speaker 2: and after all, I'm desirable, not realizing that it's a
Speaker 2: lot easier to attract men when you're twenty than when
Speaker 2: you're forty than when you're sixty.
Speaker 3: But hey, wisdom is the last thing that's taught at college, the.
Speaker 2: Last, the very last thing. They're in fact anti wisdom institutions,
Speaker 2: and so the non wise teach the immature, and the
Speaker 2: immature believe that the non wise are giving them truths.
Speaker 2: And it's a very real problem. And feminism's home was
Speaker 2: the university is the intellectual class, and so a lot
Speaker 2: of young women were taught this. They were taught as well,
Speaker 2: you don't need anything. The idea that a woman would
Speaker 2: even say I need a man is so demeaning. But
Speaker 2: it's really, to me anti human to deny that we
Speaker 2: need each other. I don't think most men would argue
Speaker 2: that they don't need a woman, but women were taught
Speaker 2: that they don't need a man. Now, a lot of
Speaker 2: men do walk around thinking they need sex, but they
Speaker 2: don't need a woman. And I don't mean that they'll
Speaker 2: get it from a man, but they need sex, but
Speaker 2: beyond that, they don't need a woman. That is man's
Speaker 2: flaw in his thinking. A woman's thinking is now which
Speaker 2: is counter so counter to her nature as I.
Speaker 3: Believe her nature is.
Speaker 2: One may disagree there is no thing as female nature,
Speaker 2: but again you have to have a pH need to
Speaker 2: believe something so foolish.
Speaker 3: Of course, there are natures to each sex. Of course
Speaker 3: there are. We're wired in certain ways as a.
Speaker 2: General rule, and a woman does need a man, and
Speaker 2: a man does need a woman.
Speaker 3: And that is the way either I believe God made us.
Speaker 3: You don't like God.
Speaker 2: It's the way nature made us. But that is the
Speaker 2: way we are. But that is the opposite of what
Speaker 2: is taught.
Speaker 3: And so young women are taught. I remember when.
Speaker 2: If a girl would say, you could probably not find
Speaker 2: on a typical American.
Speaker 3: Campus today a let's say, a sophomore, junior, senior girl in.
Speaker 2: College, and who would say, say, what do you want
Speaker 2: in life? And or you know, what is your greatest ambition?
Speaker 2: And she'll probably name some job, because if she said, well,
Speaker 2: to love a man and to make a home, she.
Speaker 3: Would be considered to be an idiot. She would she
Speaker 3: would be.
Speaker 2: Dismissed as a simpleton, fool who went to college to
Speaker 2: get an mrs. That is what it was dismissed as
Speaker 2: girls who wanted to find a husband of college when
Speaker 2: I was there in the heyday of feminism. Oh, she's
Speaker 2: here for an mrs. As if that is the lowest
Speaker 2: form of life. You mean she's here to truck maybe
Speaker 2: find a man to build a life. God, what a loser.
Speaker 3: She must be a winner.
Speaker 2: Wants a PhD in a medieval Bulgarian architecture.
Speaker 3: That's a winner.
Speaker 1: Tomorrow on a Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prieger.
Speaker 2: Your good life with men who don't hold the door
Speaker 2: for you. I'll have a good life with a woman
Speaker 2: who wants me to hold the door for them.
Speaker 1: Johns Tomorrow to hear more on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager.
Speaker 1: This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit Dennisprager
Speaker 1: dot com for thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses
Speaker 1: in classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles.