WEBVTT - Why Aren’t People Getting Married? (Part 1) 0:00:19.880 --> 0:00:24.200 Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Here thousands of 0:00:24.240 --> 0:00:27.880 hours of Dennis's lectures courses in classic radio programs. Had 0:00:27.880 --> 0:00:38.239 to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles go to Dennisprager dot com. 0:00:38.400 --> 0:00:41.480 On today's episode of Timeless Wisdom. 0:00:41.440 --> 0:00:45.040 There is something exciting about developing a life with somebody, 0:00:45.360 --> 0:00:50.320 making a home, having friends, having a community, building a 0:00:50.400 --> 0:00:52.200 world larger than yourself. 0:00:52.560 --> 0:00:55.960 That's coming up on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager, and 0:00:56.040 --> 0:00:57.480 it starts right now. 0:00:58.080 --> 0:01:00.000 Weave last Time, which is available on tape. 0:01:00.040 --> 0:01:01.840 I think it was eleven Mistakes. I don't know how 0:01:01.840 --> 0:01:04.440 I got from eleven, but I got through eleven eleven 0:01:04.520 --> 0:01:09.440 mistakes singles making and interesting. By the way, there are 0:01:09.440 --> 0:01:10.960 people who subscribe. 0:01:10.479 --> 0:01:12.400 To a tape a month for me for my lecturing, 0:01:12.960 --> 0:01:16.440 and it never happened before. Really, I got. 0:01:16.240 --> 0:01:19.319 An email from a man who said, I am selling 0:01:19.400 --> 0:01:25.720 my subscription to your tapes, and I was insulted you. 0:01:26.560 --> 0:01:29.200 I'm a single man and I was insulted by your 0:01:29.360 --> 0:01:33.560 tape A mistake singles mate. And I wrote him back 0:01:33.560 --> 0:01:35.360 and I said, please, you're getting get a refund. 0:01:35.400 --> 0:01:36.639 It's a non issue. 0:01:36.680 --> 0:01:40.919 But I'm unbelievably curious what offended you? And I never responded, 0:01:41.520 --> 0:01:46.640 but I I it was an honest talk, not to offend, 0:01:46.760 --> 0:01:48.960 but to help actually believe it or not. I mean, 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:51.120 that's the whole purpose of this get together. 0:01:52.720 --> 0:01:54.960 I believe in marriage. 0:01:55.560 --> 0:01:58.680 But while I believe in marriage, I also believe in 0:01:58.720 --> 0:02:01.120 a fulfilled life even if you're not married. 0:02:01.880 --> 0:02:04.240 So I was debating. I was thinking of giving a. 0:02:04.200 --> 0:02:08.720 Talk on how to lead a fulfilled life even while 0:02:08.760 --> 0:02:12.520 not married. And I really I do believe that's important. 0:02:12.680 --> 0:02:17.120 But I decided not to do that because I thought, 0:02:17.120 --> 0:02:19.520 wait a minute, wait a minute, Well. 0:02:19.200 --> 0:02:20.440 That's very important. 0:02:21.200 --> 0:02:23.440 That's not the point you want to get over, Dennis, 0:02:23.920 --> 0:02:27.720 he said to himself. And in fact, on the way here, 0:02:27.760 --> 0:02:29.720 how many of you have heard doctor Stephen Marma on 0:02:29.760 --> 0:02:32.560 my Happiness Show? All right, so a fair number of 0:02:32.600 --> 0:02:34.920 you he's on, Oh, I would say every other month. 0:02:35.520 --> 0:02:38.320 So I called him up and I said, Steve, here 0:02:38.400 --> 0:02:41.040 is my debate between these two topics. He said, I'll 0:02:41.120 --> 0:02:43.760 definitely give this other one and this other one is 0:02:43.800 --> 0:02:50.320 this why aren't people marrying? And I would like to 0:02:50.480 --> 0:02:53.200 discuss this with you. I'd like to because I mean 0:02:53.280 --> 0:02:56.200 discussed because I would like your feedback very much afterwards. 0:02:57.120 --> 0:02:59.440 And some of this will apply to you, and some 0:02:59.520 --> 0:03:01.120 of it will not apply to you at all, but 0:03:01.160 --> 0:03:02.440 will apply to many others. 0:03:03.520 --> 0:03:08.280 But you know, if you listen to me at all regularly. 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:12.720 You know that I am very committed to Clara that 0:03:12.760 --> 0:03:15.360 if God came to me, I've often said and said, Dennis, 0:03:15.360 --> 0:03:18.639 you can have happiness or clarity. I would vote for 0:03:18.680 --> 0:03:23.280 Clara because I go crazy when things are not clear. 0:03:23.360 --> 0:03:27.160 I want to understand what's happening. And if I were 0:03:27.200 --> 0:03:29.720 single and things. 0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:31.919 Were not happening at least, I'd want to know why. 0:03:33.200 --> 0:03:35.800 Now I can't answer for any one of your lives, 0:03:35.880 --> 0:03:39.600 but I can say, as a general principle in American 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:43.880 life today, I've isolated a number of factors, and I 0:03:43.920 --> 0:03:46.000 am sure some will hit you personally, and. 0:03:45.920 --> 0:03:49.880 Some will you will hit people that you know. But 0:03:49.960 --> 0:03:52.000 I think that they are all relevant, and I don't 0:03:52.040 --> 0:03:54.280 know if they're in order of importance, but they are 0:03:54.400 --> 0:03:58.360 all very important. So as I give almost all my 0:03:58.480 --> 0:04:01.720 talks in numerical sequence, let me give this one as well. 0:04:01.760 --> 0:04:04.760 That way, how many reasons that I come up with, Let's. 0:04:04.560 --> 0:04:11.600 Sing eighth, justin I'm not eleven eight reasons people are 0:04:11.600 --> 0:04:16.840 not marrying today. The first may in fact be the 0:04:16.840 --> 0:04:22.200 most important, but it's first among equals because they're all 0:04:22.320 --> 0:04:27.920 very important. This is a very difficult one to overcome, 0:04:28.760 --> 0:04:30.840 and I think a lot of you are afflicted with it. 0:04:30.919 --> 0:04:32.960 I know I would be afflicted with it if I 0:04:33.039 --> 0:04:37.680 were single. And that is comparing people to an image 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:43.480 of perfection. And it is not entirely your fault. If 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:47.440 you do this, it's partially your fault, and it's partially 0:04:47.480 --> 0:04:55.920 an inevitable fact of American life today. I know men 0:04:56.000 --> 0:04:59.760 better than I know women. In fact, it's easier to 0:04:59.839 --> 0:05:02.560 know men better than one of those women. Did you 0:05:02.600 --> 0:05:06.719 ever see that email? You know, email has a world 0:05:06.839 --> 0:05:10.120 to itself the Internet, and if you get on enough lists, 0:05:10.160 --> 0:05:11.760 you'll get a lot of junk. 0:05:11.920 --> 0:05:12.400 As you know. 0:05:13.320 --> 0:05:18.120 I have had more breast enlargement ads and penis enlargement 0:05:18.160 --> 0:05:22.120 ads than I really care to receive at any given day. 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:25.560 But I can live through those ads because sometimes I 0:05:25.600 --> 0:05:30.120 actually get something really funny. And I got one that 0:05:30.240 --> 0:05:33.280 was circulating the internet. I wish I had it in 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:36.599 front of me, but it goes something like this, how 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:39.320 to please. It's how to please a woman? And then 0:05:39.360 --> 0:05:42.840 how to please a man, How to please a woman takes. 0:05:42.680 --> 0:05:44.640 Up an entire page. 0:05:46.240 --> 0:05:50.440 Stroke herves, speak softly to her, speak sweetly, bring the 0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:55.159 proper flowers, caress her when necessary, an entire list of 0:05:55.279 --> 0:05:59.080 complex actions for a man to know. Then how to 0:05:59.120 --> 0:06:06.640 please a man, bring food, and show up naked. And 0:06:06.720 --> 0:06:10.360 that was it. It was perfect. 0:06:10.880 --> 0:06:13.920 There was nothing left to be said. That was exactly right. 0:06:16.000 --> 0:06:20.320 And so there is no question and that women are 0:06:20.360 --> 0:06:23.200 more complex preachers, I have no doubt about that. So 0:06:24.560 --> 0:06:28.560 when I speak, even here as an example, when I 0:06:28.600 --> 0:06:32.560 speak about how each sex has its image of perfection 0:06:33.520 --> 0:06:37.800 that stymies their ability to meet somebody real who could 0:06:37.839 --> 0:06:39.719 actually make a beautiful. 0:06:39.320 --> 0:06:39.920 Life with them. 0:06:41.160 --> 0:06:44.120 For men, a typical problem would be the search for 0:06:44.200 --> 0:06:47.599 a ten. You recall the movie I think it was 0:06:47.680 --> 0:06:51.000 with Bo Derek called Ten, where you had. 0:06:50.880 --> 0:06:53.920 This perfect female physical figure. 0:06:54.320 --> 0:06:57.080 She was all of probably twenty one years of age 0:06:57.120 --> 0:07:03.400 at the time and was photographed perfectly. Everything was perfect. 0:07:03.440 --> 0:07:06.640 There was the search for a ten. There is no 0:07:06.720 --> 0:07:10.160 doubt in my mind that for many men today, they 0:07:10.200 --> 0:07:13.720 are They go to bed alone, ninety percent of the year, 0:07:14.760 --> 0:07:19.720 they dine alone, they are alone, they're lonely. In some 0:07:19.760 --> 0:07:25.640 ways because they're looking for a ten. There was a 0:07:25.800 --> 0:07:29.280 very powerful and disturbing article on this very point by 0:07:29.480 --> 0:07:32.280 a man, a friend of mine in fact, Michael Levine, 0:07:32.680 --> 0:07:38.320 who's a very major publicist in Hollywood, and I was 0:07:38.640 --> 0:07:42.720 very impressed with the candor and the honesty in his article. 0:07:42.720 --> 0:07:45.000 It was published in Psychology Today, and I had him 0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:49.840 on my show. He wrote an article why I'm single, 0:07:50.880 --> 0:07:54.120 and he began by saying as follows, I don't. 0:07:53.920 --> 0:07:59.480 Like being single. It is not bringing me happiness. I 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:00.960 know that I would be happy. 0:08:00.720 --> 0:08:06.600 Or married, but I am paralyzed in choosing a woman 0:08:07.080 --> 0:08:09.840 because all day long I see so many beautiful women. 0:08:11.520 --> 0:08:14.400 Now this is not fully clear to a woman. It 0:08:14.440 --> 0:08:17.960 can't be because you're made differently than us. But on 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:21.600 any man here, I would say ninety nine percent of 0:08:21.600 --> 0:08:24.520 the men here because nothing is true for everyone can 0:08:24.640 --> 0:08:28.360 understand the effect that that has, because that is the 0:08:28.400 --> 0:08:29.440 way we're wired. 0:08:30.440 --> 0:08:31.280 And so he was. 0:08:31.240 --> 0:08:34.439 Saying, both in my work in Hollywood, I'm a publicist 0:08:34.480 --> 0:08:41.400 for actresses and in the media television, adds, billboards, movies, 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:45.440 all I is bombarded with one beautiful woman after another, 0:08:45.760 --> 0:08:49.360 and so how could I commit to one when I 0:08:49.559 --> 0:08:53.160 know that an hour later, a week later, there will 0:08:53.200 --> 0:09:00.960 be a better ten or another ten. So the reason 0:09:01.040 --> 0:09:03.920 that I admire his article is not because I admire 0:09:03.960 --> 0:09:04.520 what he's. 0:09:04.320 --> 0:09:07.439 Doing with his life. He doesn't admire what he's doing 0:09:07.480 --> 0:09:08.120 with his life. 0:09:08.520 --> 0:09:11.920 He is rational enough to saying, I am ruining my 0:09:12.120 --> 0:09:14.400 life by giving in to my nature. 0:09:15.240 --> 0:09:16.240 Many men don't. 0:09:16.000 --> 0:09:19.840 Even acknowledge, as far as Missus Levine did, what they 0:09:19.880 --> 0:09:22.920 are doing to themselves by the image of ten or 0:09:22.920 --> 0:09:26.240 whatever other way you want to configure, this image of 0:09:26.400 --> 0:09:31.680 the perfect woman and stopping themselves from actually having a 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:35.719 beautiful and meaningful relationship with a real woman who can 0:09:35.720 --> 0:09:38.160 bring them a great deal of joy, but who doesn't 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:43.320 qualify as an instantaneous ten. Now, for women, there is 0:09:43.360 --> 0:09:46.880 the exact same or for many women, there is the 0:09:46.960 --> 0:09:49.360 exact same symmetry, but it's not a ten. 0:09:49.840 --> 0:09:52.040 Women are not looking for. 0:09:53.280 --> 0:09:58.640 A Tom Cruise replica a physical ten. I mean sixteen 0:09:58.679 --> 0:10:01.920 year old girls, maybe twenty year old girls even, but 0:10:02.400 --> 0:10:06.199 women as opposed to girls don't. For a woman, a 0:10:06.320 --> 0:10:12.480 ten is not composed of looks, although that helps, but 0:10:12.600 --> 0:10:20.640 it is composed of financial ability, power, sexiness, in other 0:10:20.720 --> 0:10:23.480 ways that are more complex than what is sexy to 0:10:23.559 --> 0:10:27.280 a male. It may be more complex, but it is 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:33.480 also very paralyzing for many women who disqualify good men, 0:10:34.679 --> 0:10:39.560 potentially wonderful mates on the basis of their earning power 0:10:39.600 --> 0:10:42.920 and so on. Now, I don't blame either sex. I 0:10:42.960 --> 0:10:46.800 think it is so hardwired. Barbara Walters, who makes many 0:10:46.880 --> 0:10:51.160 millions of dollars, tens of billions of dollars, This woman, 0:10:51.360 --> 0:10:53.960 when she married, married a man who made even more 0:10:54.000 --> 0:11:00.240 money than she. Jane Fund, a multi multi multimillionaire, married 0:11:00.720 --> 0:11:05.760 Ted Turner, who was a multi billionaire. Now, why wouldn't 0:11:05.800 --> 0:11:08.160 she marry? Why wouldn't did Jane Vund? I hate to 0:11:08.200 --> 0:11:09.800 use her as an example. It's painful, but. 0:11:12.040 --> 0:11:12.760 What am I going to do? 0:11:14.040 --> 0:11:18.760 Cut her values aside? Why would she not? After all, 0:11:19.120 --> 0:11:21.280 she has all that money. She doesn't need a man 0:11:21.320 --> 0:11:25.720 with money. Yet it is hardwired into a woman to 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:28.840 want a man who has achieved more than she has. 0:11:29.240 --> 0:11:33.480 As a general rule, women can overcome this, but it's hardwired. 0:11:34.679 --> 0:11:37.920 And we can't go anywhere in life if we don't 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:40.760 know where we begin. And we begin with our wiring, 0:11:41.679 --> 0:11:44.120 we are we Men are wired in a certain way 0:11:44.200 --> 0:11:47.199 and women are wired in a certain way, and it's 0:11:47.240 --> 0:11:49.120 good to know that, and eve sex has to know 0:11:49.200 --> 0:11:52.679 that about the other. It's very foolish for a woman 0:11:52.760 --> 0:11:55.440 to say, oh, I don't care how I look. 0:11:55.480 --> 0:11:56.680 A man will know my heart. 0:11:57.320 --> 0:12:00.000 Well, that's absurd, just as it's absurd for a man 0:12:00.040 --> 0:12:03.880 to say, I don't need any professional ambition whatsoever. 0:12:04.120 --> 0:12:06.920 A woman will know my heart. That's nonsense. 0:12:07.880 --> 0:12:10.240 A woman wants a man who wants to conquer, a 0:12:10.280 --> 0:12:11.480 man who wants to achieve. 0:12:12.160 --> 0:12:13.959 I don't mean a man who is driven only to. 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:16.040 That, although women do like that often and then they 0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:18.520 pay the big price when they get married. A man 0:12:18.520 --> 0:12:21.360 who is driven to achieve and achieve an immense amount, 0:12:21.400 --> 0:12:25.080 and then she notices he doesn't pay any attention to her, Well, 0:12:25.120 --> 0:12:27.439 didn't you marry somebody you wanted to just be driven 0:12:27.480 --> 0:12:28.120 to achievement? 0:12:28.360 --> 0:12:30.160 Or likewise, the beautiful woman, Oh soho. 0:12:30.280 --> 0:12:32.640 He married a gorgeous woman, but that's all she is, 0:12:33.760 --> 0:12:37.320 and her gorgeosity seems to fade very rapidly in his 0:12:37.440 --> 0:12:42.200 eyes because because there's nothing else going on there that 0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:46.160 each sex is fooled by its wiring, But it doesn't 0:12:46.200 --> 0:12:50.280 mean that the wiring is unimportant. A man cannot go 0:12:50.320 --> 0:12:52.440 and say it doesn't matter what I do for a living, 0:12:52.520 --> 0:12:54.920 or it doesn't matter if I am ambitious at all 0:12:55.240 --> 0:12:57.520 that I want to achieve in the outer world. And 0:12:57.559 --> 0:12:59.600 a woman can't say it doesn't matter how I look. 0:12:59.920 --> 0:13:05.160 You could say that, but there are consequences, but that's aside. 0:13:05.960 --> 0:13:10.240 My first point is that each sex is walking around 0:13:10.559 --> 0:13:16.319 many members, not all with a certain image of perfection. Now, 0:13:16.360 --> 0:13:20.199 putting aside income for men and putting aside looks for women, 0:13:20.640 --> 0:13:26.920 there are other problems even with perfection, because even then 0:13:27.400 --> 0:13:30.360 you date and you spend time together, and all of 0:13:30.400 --> 0:13:33.160 a sudden, you start noticing that the other person actually 0:13:33.200 --> 0:13:36.959 has flaws. Because, let's face it, in the very beginning, 0:13:37.080 --> 0:13:42.000 the chemistry of attraction is so powerful that we imagine that. 0:13:41.960 --> 0:13:45.000 The person we're falling in love with his flaws. 0:13:45.000 --> 0:13:49.280 And then the hutzpah of that person to actually have 0:13:49.360 --> 0:13:54.720 some flaws. After the opening, chemistry starts to slightly wane 0:13:54.760 --> 0:13:58.520 and we have entered real life. But that is inevitable. 0:13:58.559 --> 0:14:01.080 Here's what you do with recognizing that there are flaws 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:04.160 in the person that you are thinking of perhaps spending 0:14:04.160 --> 0:14:06.920 your life with Number one, asking yourself, is it a 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:10.160 flaw I can live with? That's very important. 0:14:11.160 --> 0:14:14.440 This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. 0:14:20.000 --> 0:14:25.720 Now back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. 0:14:25.920 --> 0:14:28.240 Now, there are flaws you can live with, there are 0:14:28.240 --> 0:14:30.840 flaws you can't live with. You have to know yourself, 0:14:31.280 --> 0:14:34.920 which it is every single person. And this is the 0:14:34.960 --> 0:14:37.560 other key point that you have to bear in mind. 0:14:38.080 --> 0:14:39.080 This is very tough. 0:14:39.720 --> 0:14:43.120 But we come with flaws too. It's a very tough 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:43.440 one to do. 0:14:43.720 --> 0:14:48.640 And I know you all know that you have flaws. 0:14:48.440 --> 0:14:52.360 It's an intellectual knowledge, but in your gut, do you 0:14:52.440 --> 0:14:55.480 really believe it? And here's a little test that I think, 0:14:56.000 --> 0:14:59.760 here's a little test that you might want to apply 0:14:59.880 --> 0:15:04.080 to yourself. Want you to not now, but at some 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:06.720 point when you get home, and don't do it on 0:15:06.760 --> 0:15:10.120 a first date. I want you to write down what 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:16.720 your flaws are, honestly say these are my flaws? And 0:15:17.120 --> 0:15:20.760 or do you have any idiots syncrasies? See, like I 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:23.640 go through life. I am convinced I have no idiosyncrasies. 0:15:24.480 --> 0:15:24.800 I did. 0:15:25.040 --> 0:15:27.120 I can tell you my flaws that I truly can, 0:15:27.200 --> 0:15:29.240 but idiosyncrasies. 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:29.560 I don't think I have any. 0:15:30.400 --> 0:15:33.800 Now, anybody who works with me or who lives with 0:15:33.880 --> 0:15:38.800 me would keel over in laughter at the idea that 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:41.720 I don't have idiosyncrasies, but I, for the life of me, 0:15:41.840 --> 0:15:46.680 cannot name any because what is an idiosyncratic to you 0:15:46.880 --> 0:15:49.840 about me is to mean normal about me to me, 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:53.360 and the same thing with your idiosyncracies about you, they 0:15:53.400 --> 0:15:54.520 are perfectly normal. 0:15:55.360 --> 0:15:55.800 That's all. 0:15:55.840 --> 0:16:01.440 You like to go to bed listening to the Dixie Chicks. 0:16:01.520 --> 0:16:03.520 On your radio, that's all. 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:06.440 To you, that is normal, But to somebody else that 0:16:06.560 --> 0:16:10.840 is a little idiosyncratic. Or you prefer to sleep with 0:16:11.040 --> 0:16:15.240 your head hanging over the mattress. If you prefer to 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:18.120 sleep that way, to you, that is thoroughly normal. To 0:16:18.200 --> 0:16:22.800 the rest of us, it's a bit idiosyncratic. Everybody comes 0:16:22.840 --> 0:16:27.080 with idiosyncrasies and with flaws, But if you have an 0:16:27.120 --> 0:16:30.440 image of perfection, flaws cancels that person out. 0:16:31.360 --> 0:16:32.040 That is why. 0:16:31.880 --> 0:16:34.880 I'm always amazed people tell me they dated for seven 0:16:34.960 --> 0:16:37.960 years the same person, and so I say, well, what 0:16:38.040 --> 0:16:39.400 did you exactly learn. 0:16:39.240 --> 0:16:41.880 After seven years? I mean, what is there to learn? 0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:46.920 I mean, I don't even understand that concept unless it's 0:16:47.000 --> 0:16:48.920 like from seventeen to twenty four. 0:16:49.320 --> 0:16:52.680 But if you're more than those, there's nothing left. 0:16:52.400 --> 0:16:55.440 After two years. To be honest, it's pretty much you 0:16:55.600 --> 0:16:59.240 know the person. Nobody acts for two years. They can 0:16:59.280 --> 0:17:03.240 act for three dates, but for two years, it's not 0:17:03.400 --> 0:17:07.759 possible to act that all. Anyway, those are things that 0:17:07.840 --> 0:17:10.400 baffle me. But number one is critical. You've got to 0:17:10.440 --> 0:17:13.920 get rid of this image of perfection. You're flawed. Anyone 0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:20.120 you love will be flawed. Can you handle those flaws? Now, ironically, 0:17:20.520 --> 0:17:22.759 are a little better at this, believe it or not 0:17:23.040 --> 0:17:27.200 than women. When on most micross things met women are 0:17:27.280 --> 0:17:33.200 probably more highly developed. But here it is because women 0:17:34.040 --> 0:17:36.840 marry men convinced they'll make them better. 0:17:38.800 --> 0:17:40.880 They will change them. Now. 0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:43.480 By the way, again, this is a double edged sword 0:17:43.560 --> 0:17:45.399 because it actually is a good idea. 0:17:45.480 --> 0:17:46.560 I am definitely. 0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:49.280 I mean, it's painful for me to tell you how 0:17:49.359 --> 0:17:52.520 much better I am because of my wife and because. 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:52.960 Of the marriage. 0:17:53.560 --> 0:17:56.280 It's only painful because I realized what I started out as. 0:17:57.720 --> 0:17:58.160 That's why. 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:01.600 But there's no question about it that I am a 0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:05.960 better that I am a better person in so many 0:18:06.000 --> 0:18:08.560 given ways. But on the other hand, if my wife 0:18:08.600 --> 0:18:11.560 made it a project to change me regularly, I would 0:18:11.640 --> 0:18:14.440 resent it. The trick is to make it a project. 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:16.280 But I let him know about it. I guess that's 0:18:16.320 --> 0:18:18.600 the I don't know how it's done. But in all 0:18:18.640 --> 0:18:22.520 Syria business, that really is a problem that has to 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:27.240 because you can't marry thinking well as he is now 0:18:27.280 --> 0:18:31.119 he is insufferable, but five year course with. 0:18:31.240 --> 0:18:34.760 Me he will be quite a man. You can't do that. 0:18:34.840 --> 0:18:39.240 It's not good for you and it's not good for him. Now, 0:18:39.920 --> 0:18:44.040 why do we have these images of perfection whereas previous 0:18:44.080 --> 0:18:48.960 generations did not? Right, that's a question that needs to 0:18:49.000 --> 0:18:53.000 be asked. And here again we live. You know, Dickens said, 0:18:53.040 --> 0:18:55.199 it's the best of times, it's the worst of times. 0:18:55.240 --> 0:18:57.000 That's probably true in most ages. 0:18:57.520 --> 0:19:00.200 We live in the best of times in many ways, 0:19:00.720 --> 0:19:02.800 but we live in the worst of times in some ways. 0:19:03.560 --> 0:19:07.720 And the media have a very powerful impact on us, 0:19:08.160 --> 0:19:14.119 unbelievably powerful, and more negative than positive. And the imagery 0:19:14.359 --> 0:19:17.960 of people that we are bombarded with every day, perfect 0:19:17.960 --> 0:19:21.520 males and perfect of course it's all an act, but 0:19:21.600 --> 0:19:24.840 they look perfect and they sound perfect, and it gives 0:19:24.880 --> 0:19:27.880 us an image in how are flawed life? Oh, there 0:19:27.960 --> 0:19:29.879 is a woman out there like that, there is a 0:19:29.880 --> 0:19:34.919 man out there like that, And so there is no 0:19:35.080 --> 0:19:39.720 way to really understand the flawed nature of anybody you 0:19:39.760 --> 0:19:42.520 will ever love when there is such perfection out there 0:19:43.000 --> 0:19:45.960 that is being offered to you as a real alternative. 0:19:46.080 --> 0:19:50.200 But it's all an act, and even the actors fall 0:19:50.240 --> 0:19:52.760 in for it. That's why actors marry actors. They fell 0:19:52.800 --> 0:19:54.440 in love on the set of a movie. You hear 0:19:54.440 --> 0:19:56.560 that all the time, and then they divorce a year later. 0:19:57.000 --> 0:20:00.920 They're off the set. They even fool themselves. And I 0:20:00.960 --> 0:20:05.200 don't say that disparagingly. It's very understandable why they would divorce, 0:20:05.480 --> 0:20:08.440 and it's very understandable why Hollywood actors would. 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:10.600 Divorce a great deal because they're. 0:20:10.359 --> 0:20:15.840 Constantly around tens in an abnormal way that never existed 0:20:15.840 --> 0:20:19.600 in human history. Perfect imagery of the opposit, it's sex, 0:20:19.680 --> 0:20:23.480 is around them at all times, acting perfectly, given the 0:20:23.560 --> 0:20:25.160 right lines in the right lighting. 0:20:25.880 --> 0:20:28.680 You're not given lines in lighting at. 0:20:28.560 --> 0:20:32.520 A twenty four hour beautician, right, but they are, so 0:20:32.640 --> 0:20:34.679 of course they fall in love with the next best 0:20:34.680 --> 0:20:37.639 man or best woman on the set. But it happens 0:20:37.680 --> 0:20:39.359 to us too that we fall in love with the 0:20:39.359 --> 0:20:41.719 best man or best woman on the set, or at 0:20:41.800 --> 0:20:44.119 least keep in our mind that there is such a 0:20:44.160 --> 0:20:45.960 man out there or there is such. 0:20:45.840 --> 0:20:46.720 A woman out there. 0:20:48.040 --> 0:20:51.000 I think all eight are critical, but perhaps that one 0:20:51.160 --> 0:20:54.399 is the most important. The image of perfection that we 0:20:54.560 --> 0:21:00.760 hold and a normal, wonderful person isn't wonderful enough. Number 0:21:00.760 --> 0:21:03.720 two Again, I'm answering the question why people are not 0:21:03.840 --> 0:21:08.600 marrying today. A lot of people see unhappiness in their parents' marriage, 0:21:10.000 --> 0:21:13.479 or for that matter, in others marriages, not just their parents, 0:21:13.760 --> 0:21:17.840 or not even necessarily their parents, and so they conclude 0:21:18.359 --> 0:21:23.520 that such happiness is a inevitable to marriage, and be's 0:21:23.760 --> 0:21:25.080 is something I must avoid. 0:21:26.600 --> 0:21:31.560 Well, let me deal with that. Yes, the fact is unhappiness. 0:21:30.960 --> 0:21:34.640 Is inevitable to marriage. Okay, let me clue you in 0:21:34.640 --> 0:21:36.800 in case you've never been married. If you have been married, 0:21:36.840 --> 0:21:40.360 you certainly know this is true. There are unhappy times 0:21:40.400 --> 0:21:43.480 in marriages. It's a fact. I don't know of a 0:21:43.480 --> 0:21:46.600 marriage in which that has not been true. There may 0:21:46.720 --> 0:21:50.600 exist such a marriage. I remember meeting a couple and 0:21:50.680 --> 0:21:52.840 doing my research for my book on happiness, and they 0:21:52.880 --> 0:21:56.840 both looked at me and said with absolute seriousness that 0:21:56.880 --> 0:22:00.159 they had never fought once in their marriage. Of course, 0:22:01.240 --> 0:22:06.159 with all respect, they both seemed comatose to me, and 0:22:06.200 --> 0:22:10.080 the comatose, don't fight much. I mean, this was really 0:22:10.200 --> 0:22:13.240 mister and missus dispassionate that I was talking to. 0:22:14.040 --> 0:22:17.000 We never fight in it, no, honey, we never fight. 0:22:18.040 --> 0:22:23.280 And if they worked it out, God blessed them. But 0:22:24.280 --> 0:22:27.919 the vast majority of people fight in their marriage. The 0:22:28.000 --> 0:22:30.760 vast majority of people wonder, at some point in their 0:22:30.760 --> 0:22:34.120 marriage did they make a mistake? Think about what would 0:22:34.160 --> 0:22:36.720 it be like if they were single again? These are 0:22:36.720 --> 0:22:39.720 not nightmares, these are normal parts of life. 0:22:39.720 --> 0:22:39.920 Hey. 0:22:40.200 --> 0:22:43.080 The vast majority of parents sometimes wonder why the hell 0:22:43.080 --> 0:22:44.000 did they have this kid? 0:22:45.720 --> 0:22:48.000 Does that mean? Is that an argument against parent? 0:22:48.880 --> 0:22:51.280 It is very interesting to me that people don't use 0:22:51.320 --> 0:22:54.280 the same arguments against parenthood that they use against marriage. 0:22:54.800 --> 0:23:01.679 Is parenthood always fun? Ask your parents in case you 0:23:01.800 --> 0:23:05.560 really want to know. And I adore being a parent. 0:23:05.640 --> 0:23:09.399 It is adore it. It is an unbelievable source of 0:23:09.480 --> 0:23:12.560 joy in my life. But it is also a very 0:23:12.560 --> 0:23:13.520 strong source of. 0:23:15.119 --> 0:23:17.320 Burden. It's a burden to be a parent. 0:23:18.320 --> 0:23:20.560 They were just when I didn't want to wake up 0:23:20.600 --> 0:23:23.920 at six o'clock and watch cartoons after having worked till two. 0:23:24.840 --> 0:23:28.359 There are times when you just don't want to play 0:23:28.440 --> 0:23:31.800 another game of ball or to or to to clean 0:23:31.880 --> 0:23:34.760 up more vomit or God knows what you do. I mean, 0:23:34.800 --> 0:23:38.080 it's of course not, of course not. And children have 0:23:38.600 --> 0:23:41.960 a very challenging impact on marriages. They're the biggest single 0:23:42.040 --> 0:23:45.000 challenge to a marriage. It's my old line. God has 0:23:45.040 --> 0:23:47.879 a sense of humor. That which is created by passion 0:23:47.960 --> 0:23:48.800 then destroys it. 0:23:49.480 --> 0:23:49.840 And so. 0:23:51.480 --> 0:23:53.639 You know, when you think of children and their effect 0:23:53.680 --> 0:23:56.159 on the sex life of a couple, you know, I 0:23:56.680 --> 0:23:58.800