Speaker 1: Life audio. Hey loves, I'm Dana Shay. I've been married
Speaker 1: for over twenty five years to my childhood sweetheart Sean.
Speaker 1: But our marriage hasn't always been sweet. There were some
Speaker 1: really dark nights caused by betrayal and conflict. We were
Speaker 1: so disconnected. Over the last decade, we've learned the tools
Speaker 1: to rebuild our marriage into something greater than we ever
Speaker 1: hoped for, and I want to help you do the same.
Speaker 1: As a marriage and relationship coach, I can give you
Speaker 1: the blueprint for how to rebuild your relationship. You're not
Speaker 1: here today by chance, friend, so turn up the volume
Speaker 1: and let me be your guide to rebuilding your life
Speaker 1: and rebuilding your love. Welcome to the Rebuilding US podcast.
Speaker 1: Hey friends, how often do you speak life over yourself?
Speaker 1: Did you know that psychologists and theologians both support the
Speaker 1: power of affirmations. When I wake up every morning, I
Speaker 1: speak positive affirmations all from the Word of God. It's
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Speaker 1: Speak Life. Well, hello friends, thank you so much for
Speaker 1: listening to Rebuilding Us. I am your host, Dana Shay,
Speaker 1: and today we have a conversation, y'all. We need to
Speaker 1: have one of those like Mama Bear conversations where I
Speaker 1: need to pull you close and we need to talk
Speaker 1: about something that is really affecting a lot of Christian marriages.
Speaker 1: If you know anything about me, you know that I
Speaker 1: love marriage. I am pro marriage, I am a marriage coach.
Speaker 1: I believe in marriage. I talk about it all the time.
Speaker 1: But one of the things that we have to be
Speaker 1: careful about is that we have to be careful about
Speaker 1: making our marriages an idle an idle. Now, most of
Speaker 1: us in America, we don't think that we worship idols, right.
Speaker 1: We think that maybe that's something they do in like
Speaker 1: distant Asian nations or African nations. But we sophisticated Americans
Speaker 1: do not worship idols.
Speaker 2: A hahaa.
Speaker 1: America, my friends, is probably one of the most idle
Speaker 1: obsessed nations. We worship idols of every kind. I'm talking
Speaker 1: from food, to sex, to power, to celebrities, ourselves truthfully,
Speaker 1: and idle is simply anything that you worship. Now again,
Speaker 1: many of you are thinking, well, no, no, no, no, no, nope, Dana,
Speaker 1: I don't worship anyone or anything but God. Well, what
Speaker 1: is the definition of worship? See, the definition of worship
Speaker 1: is not singing, it's not playing music. It's not dancing,
Speaker 1: twirling around, laying prostrate on the ground. Those are all
Speaker 1: expressions of worship. But worship is what you devote your
Speaker 1: heart and your energy to. It is what you magnify
Speaker 1: above everything else. And if we're honest, we can all
Speaker 1: see areas in our lives where we have magnified things
Speaker 1: above the place of God. And this is really a
Speaker 1: sobering thought.
Speaker 2: Friends.
Speaker 1: I actually preached a message I want to say it
Speaker 1: was last year. It was called Idols in Disguise, and
Speaker 1: I talked to congregation about many different idols that we
Speaker 1: serve and bow down to in our nation. One of
Speaker 1: those idols, and I'm gonna even talking about today is
Speaker 1: the idol of marriage.
Speaker 2: Now. I am fresh off.
Speaker 1: Of a women's conference where I spoke at My voice
Speaker 1: is a little bit hoarse, so bear with me here today.
Speaker 1: But at this conference, I talk to these ladies about
Speaker 1: what I'm gonna talk to you about today, which is,
Speaker 1: how do we determine if our marriages are an idol?
Speaker 1: And if they are indeed an idol, how do we
Speaker 1: destroy the idol without destroying the marriage or the relationship,
Speaker 1: or God forbid the man or the woman. The truth is,
Speaker 1: you are supposed to love your spouse. You are supposed
Speaker 1: to be devoted to your spouse above pretty much everything
Speaker 1: except for God. God always has to take first place
Speaker 1: in your life. So I remember when Sean and I
Speaker 1: got married. If y'all know our story, we got married
Speaker 1: super young, eighteen and twenty one. I would have never
Speaker 1: thought that I had made Sean my idol. I would
Speaker 1: have never thought that I made marriage my idol. I'm
Speaker 1: just a young girl trying to have the best marriage
Speaker 1: that I can with the little information that I had
Speaker 1: at the time. But whenever Sean and I would have problems,
Speaker 1: I would get depressed. I would get discouraged. Life was over,
Speaker 1: you know. And that's one of the tailtale signs that
Speaker 1: you know, if something is an idol, because it takes
Speaker 1: up too much importance in your life. When it's not
Speaker 1: going well, you fall apart. Can we go through marriage
Speaker 1: problems without falling apart? Absolutely? And that is my hope
Speaker 1: for you. Your marriage is going to have some struggles, You're
Speaker 1: gonna have some problems from time to time. But if
Speaker 1: you fall apart every single time your marriage is on
Speaker 1: the brink, or every single time you and your spouse
Speaker 1: have an argument, or every single time you go through
Speaker 1: a season of disconnect, that is a telltale sign that
Speaker 1: maybe you're making your marriage an idle, you are elevating,
Speaker 1: or you are magnifying it to a place that is unhealthy.
Speaker 1: And that's ungodly. And we have got to be careful
Speaker 1: because all throughout Scripture we see how God was forever
Speaker 1: chasing the Israelites because they were forever erecting idols in
Speaker 1: his place. One of the ten commandments, if you know
Speaker 1: the ten commandments, you know the one of the ten
Speaker 1: commandments is thou shalt I'm gonna say this in King James,
Speaker 1: this is how I learned it, Thou shalt have no
Speaker 1: other gods before me, and some translations say beside me.
Speaker 1: I love that because it's not just a matter of
Speaker 1: us not putting anything before God, but it's also a
Speaker 1: matter of us not putting anything on par with God,
Speaker 1: on the same level with God. There is no one
Speaker 1: in nothing who can and should be in that place
Speaker 1: and that position with God. He is incomparable. There is
Speaker 1: no one who can compare with him.
Speaker 2: So when we.
Speaker 1: Place our spouses at the level of a God in
Speaker 1: our lives, we look to them for provision, for safety,
Speaker 1: for comfort, for peace, for love. I mean, these are
Speaker 1: all the things that we really need to attribute to
Speaker 1: the Lord. Now, does the Lord give us people to
Speaker 1: love us? Yes, to comfort us, Yes, to bring us companionship. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong obviously with human relationships. God loves human relationships.
Speaker 1: We were not meant to live life alone. But we
Speaker 1: have got to be so careful that we are not
Speaker 1: deriving our worth and our value and that we're not
Speaker 1: pulling on people to give us the things that only
Speaker 1: God can give us.
Speaker 2: All Right, So back to my story.
Speaker 1: Me and Sean eighteen twenty one, we're married, we're going
Speaker 1: through all kinds of stuff in our marriage, and I
Speaker 1: realized that I placed Sean at such a high level
Speaker 1: in my life that I wouldn't have called it idolatry
Speaker 1: or worship at the time, but looking back, that's exactly
Speaker 1: what I did. And so what happened was God allowed
Speaker 1: our marriage to fall apart. He allowed me to see
Speaker 1: a flawed man and a flawed woman talking about myself,
Speaker 1: and he allowed us to see who He really was,
Speaker 1: that he truly is the only one that is all
Speaker 1: the time faithful, that is all the time consistent, that
Speaker 1: is one hundred percent unconditional love at all times.
Speaker 2: We are not.
Speaker 1: And that is what happens when we put people on
Speaker 1: pedestals and we put people in places where they don't belong.
Speaker 1: God says, ooh hmm, I'm gonna have to show you
Speaker 1: who they really are so that you can see that
Speaker 1: there is no one like me. And this is not
Speaker 1: God doing this out of some sort of insecurity or
Speaker 1: out of some sort of pride. This is God saying,
Speaker 1: when you put your hope and your trust and people,
Speaker 1: you will forever be disappointed. Oh yes, you will. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm talking about. You put your trust and
Speaker 1: your hope and people. People are going to let you down,
Speaker 1: and you are going to let other people down. So
Speaker 1: when we wrap ourselves in our children and our husbands
Speaker 1: and our wives and our leaders, and these people fall,
Speaker 1: we can't handle it because we place them on a pedestal.
Speaker 1: We've placed them in a position that they cannot and
Speaker 1: will not be able to fulfill. So we're going to
Speaker 1: take a quick quick break. You guys, I have so
Speaker 1: much that I want to share with you, and this
Speaker 1: is not going to be a long episode today, but
Speaker 1: we do have to take a quick break.
Speaker 2: For a word from our sponsor. Let me encourage you.
Speaker 1: If you have not already subscribed or followed the podcast
Speaker 1: right now, go ahead and click that little follow or
Speaker 1: subscribe button on your phone or computer or wherever you're
Speaker 1: listening to this.
Speaker 2: We'll be right back. All right, friends, we're back.
Speaker 1: We're talking about how do you know if you've made
Speaker 1: your marriage or you could say your relationship. Maybe you're
Speaker 1: not married, you're in a dating relationship, And my goodness,
Speaker 1: this needs to be a whole other conversation, right, how
Speaker 1: do you know if you've made that person or that relationship?
Speaker 2: And idle?
Speaker 1: So there's a story of There's many stories, but there's
Speaker 1: a specific story in the book of Exodus, Exodus thirty
Speaker 1: two about when the people of Israel have been delivered
Speaker 1: from Egypt, God begins leading them to the Promised Land.
Speaker 1: Now spoiler alert, the promised land was him. He was
Speaker 1: their land, He was their promise. And this is where
Speaker 1: we get into trouble when we start wanting the things
Speaker 1: of God more than we actually want God. When we
Speaker 1: start wanting the beautiful, blessed marriage more than we want
Speaker 1: the blessed sir of the marriage.
Speaker 2: When we start.
Speaker 1: Wanting the beautiful, happy family more than the giver of families.
Speaker 1: So we've got to be really careful that we don't
Speaker 1: begin to desire what's in God's hand more than we
Speaker 1: desire God himself. And this is where the children of
Speaker 1: Israel got into trouble all the time, because they wanted
Speaker 1: the land, they wanted the provision, they wanted the peace,
Speaker 1: they wanted the security, they wanted all of those things
Speaker 1: that God was giving them. But then they forsook God.
Speaker 1: They said, thanks God, appreciate it, and we're good. We're
Speaker 1: on our own now. So there's a story in Exodus
Speaker 1: thirty two the children of Visoro are traveling to this
Speaker 1: promised land. Moses goes up on a mountain to receive
Speaker 1: the ten commandments from God. He's gone for forty days.
Speaker 1: The people become really agitated, irritated, frustrated. They're like, we
Speaker 1: don't know what's happened to this Moses guy, Aaron, who
Speaker 1: is Moses's brother. They're like, Aaron, make us a calf,
Speaker 1: make us an idol so that we can worship it.
Speaker 1: And this is such a tragic story in the Bible.
Speaker 1: I am not going to preach on this podcast, but
Speaker 1: I do want you, in your time to go and
Speaker 1: read Exodus thirty two and see the tragedy of what
Speaker 1: happens with God's people. And we can be so hard
Speaker 1: on the Israelites. We can look at them and be like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, they were grumbling, complaining. Now they're worshiping idols.
Speaker 1: Oh Lord, what in the world was wrong with those folks?
Speaker 1: But friends, hello, we can be the same way. We
Speaker 1: can do the same thing when we say, God, you
Speaker 1: are taking too long to fix this marriage. Lord, you
Speaker 1: are taken too long to change this man. Lord, you
Speaker 1: are taken too long to speak to this woman and
Speaker 1: tell her all the things that she needs to do
Speaker 1: in order to get herself together. And what happens is
Speaker 1: when we become impatient with waiting, we are then tempted
Speaker 1: to fulfill our own needs outside of God. That is
Speaker 1: literally what happens in idolatry. So I want you to
Speaker 1: think about, what are some things that you tend to
Speaker 1: do when you do not get your needs met or
Speaker 1: when you feel that you have been waiting for something
Speaker 1: too long? What are your tendencies if you, of course
Speaker 1: reach out to someone else, that's an easy one, right,
Speaker 1: like if you're committing adultery, Which is interesting that adultery
Speaker 1: sounds very much like idolatry because they literally are the same.
Speaker 1: And this is why throughout scriptures, God tells his people
Speaker 1: that you are an unfaithful people. You have committed adultery
Speaker 1: with all of these foreign gods and all these idols
Speaker 1: that they were worshiping.
Speaker 2: Same thing.
Speaker 1: So this is why when I talk to couples about
Speaker 1: infidelity and adult I don't call it cheating. I don't
Speaker 1: call it in discretion. I don't say, oh, you just
Speaker 1: made a mistake. I'm going to call it out for
Speaker 1: what it is you are committing adultery, which is idolatry
Speaker 1: because the one that your heart is supposed to be
Speaker 1: committed to, you're in covenant with that person, good or bad,
Speaker 1: highs and lows. You don't get an out to go
Speaker 1: and mix it up with somebody else because your needs
Speaker 1: aren't being met. So that's any easy one we all know. Okay,
Speaker 1: adultery is idolatry. But I want you to think about
Speaker 1: what are my tendencies when I do not get my
Speaker 1: needs met? What do I go to when I need comfort?
Speaker 1: What do I go to when I need to relieve
Speaker 1: some stress? What do I go to when I am
Speaker 1: full of anxiety and worry and fear and doubt. That
Speaker 1: is your indication of where the idols are in your life.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: Is it wrong to go to your spouse if you
Speaker 1: need comfort? Absolutely not. That's what they're there for. God
Speaker 1: gave them to you to help you. Is it wrong
Speaker 1: to think highly of your spouse, to talk about him
Speaker 1: or her all the time, to think good thoughts about
Speaker 1: him or her?
Speaker 2: Of course not.
Speaker 1: That's good, that's healthy. But when your thoughts are consumed
Speaker 1: with your spouse, when you only go to your spouse
Speaker 1: to meet your needs, that's when it becomes idolatry. So
Speaker 1: God wants to meet all of your needs, and the
Speaker 1: way that he does that is through people. When we
Speaker 1: go to the Lord and we're like, God, I am
Speaker 1: really lonely, God himself is not going to come down
Speaker 1: out of heaven and sit with you on your porch
Speaker 1: and have some tea. God is going to send you
Speaker 1: a neighbor, a friend, a child, a spouse. He's going
Speaker 1: to send you somebody. So again, don't hear what I'm
Speaker 1: not saying. God gives us people for our enjoyment, for
Speaker 1: our pleasure, for our peace, for our comfort. But when
Speaker 1: we place people and these unhealthy categories, then we risk
Speaker 1: worshiping them. We risk worshiping the relationship. And when you
Speaker 1: get to that place, you can expect God is going
Speaker 1: to frustrate that relationship. So again, what happened with Sean
Speaker 1: and I. Our relationship went through things. Now does that
Speaker 1: give us an out? We're like, you know what, it
Speaker 1: wasn't our fault, It was God's fault. Yep, yep, yep,
Speaker 1: God did it. No, No, we were willing participants in
Speaker 1: the destruction of our marriage. But God used that destruction
Speaker 1: in order to bring us back to himself. One of
Speaker 1: my all time favorite scriptures is in Revelation too, and
Speaker 1: this book, this letter, this whole book of Revelation, especially
Speaker 1: the first part is all of these letters that are
Speaker 1: written to the church. And in Revelation too, there's a
Speaker 1: letter to the church in Ephesus at that time, and
Speaker 1: so in Revelation two there is a line that says,
Speaker 1: you have left your first love, go back and do
Speaker 1: what you did for the first love was their relationship
Speaker 1: with God. There are times when your marriage is going
Speaker 1: to be doing really well. It's not in the bad times, y'all,
Speaker 1: that we forget about God. Oh no, no, no, we know
Speaker 1: who God is at the bad times, because we're reaching
Speaker 1: out for help, we're praying, we're crying, We're like God,
Speaker 1: please write. But when your life is going really well,
Speaker 1: when you don't quote need God, that's when you have
Speaker 1: to be careful. When your marriage is restored, when you
Speaker 1: have done the work of rebuilding, that's when you have
Speaker 1: to be really careful not to forget. And this is
Speaker 1: why again, all throughout Scripture, God tells it Israel lies,
Speaker 1: do not forget me. Remember where I brought you from. Remember,
Speaker 1: do not forget, Do not forget. He says it so
Speaker 1: much because he knows that the human tendency is that
Speaker 1: we need God until we get what we want from God,
Speaker 1: and then we're like, I'm good God, and God is like,
Speaker 1: I want to have a relationship with you that that
Speaker 1: is not transactional. Come on, how many of you want
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship with your spouse that's transactional.
Speaker 1: As long as you're giving your spouse sex, they're good.
Speaker 1: As long as you're meeting their needs, they're good. They
Speaker 1: want to talk to you, they want to be around you,
Speaker 1: but the moment that you stop doing that, they don't
Speaker 1: want to have anything to do with you. And unfortunately, friends,
Speaker 1: this is how we treat God a lot of times
Speaker 1: when we have a need, When we're praying for that
Speaker 1: marriage to be restored, when we're waiting for that child
Speaker 1: to come back home, when we're asking God for a
Speaker 1: miracle for one of our family members who's deathly ill.
Speaker 1: We're in God's face every day all day, and then
Speaker 1: when we get the answer, we go ghosts. We leave
Speaker 1: him on red. If I can say it that way,
Speaker 1: and I know that this breaks the heart of the father.
Speaker 1: So if you realize, yes, I have tended to put
Speaker 1: my spouse in a position where he or she does
Speaker 1: not belong. Yes, I have seen that I have made
Speaker 1: my spouse an idol.
Speaker 2: What do I do?
Speaker 1: How do I destroy the idol without destroying the relationship.
Speaker 1: So the first thing that I'm going to tell you
Speaker 1: number one is you need to evaluate your unmet needs?
Speaker 1: What are the needs that drive you to idolatry and
Speaker 1: y'all y'all can use this template for things outside of
Speaker 1: marriage too. I meant we take food, for example, we
Speaker 1: can make food and idle when you're depressed. It's like,
Speaker 1: come on, Ben, come on Jerry, let's go sit on
Speaker 1: the couch together. And you're eating your little Ben and
Speaker 1: Jerry's ice cream, trying to make yourself feel better. Ask yourself, what.
Speaker 2: Need am I feeling?
Speaker 1: Where's the unmet need? So if you're looking at okay,
Speaker 1: I've realized that I might make my spouse an idle
Speaker 1: and I don't want to do that anymore. How do
Speaker 1: I destroy the idol without destroying the marriage? One look
Speaker 1: at what are your unmet needs? What are the areas
Speaker 1: in your life that cause you to lean on your
Speaker 1: spouse in an unhealthy way? To dignify or exalt your
Speaker 1: spouse in an unhealthy way. What are those needs? Maybe
Speaker 1: for you, it's feeling rejected. So you felt rejected your
Speaker 1: whole life, and so you cling to your spouse because
Speaker 1: they accept you, they love you. You have a good spouse.
Speaker 1: You want to be with them all the time because
Speaker 1: being with them helps you to feel accepted. Again, that's
Speaker 1: not a bad thing, But you've got to deal with
Speaker 1: the rejection issue or else you will have an unhealthy
Speaker 1: attachment to your spouse. So take that to the Lord God.
Speaker 1: I realize that I've still got this wound from my
Speaker 1: childhood when I felt rejected. Would you heal me of that?
Speaker 1: So the first thing, realize you're unmet needs. Number two,
Speaker 1: you've got to be honest. And that's really the big
Speaker 1: elephant in the room here, is that you've got to
Speaker 1: be honest about the fact that you've placed idols in
Speaker 1: your life. You place them there. They didn't jump into
Speaker 1: your life them there. And the good news is, since
Speaker 1: you place them there, you can take them out.
Speaker 2: You don't have to wait for God to destroy them.
Speaker 2: You can destroy them.
Speaker 1: So being honest with yourself saying yes, Lord, I realized
Speaker 1: that I have made my marriage an idle.
Speaker 2: I have made these kids in idle.
Speaker 1: And let me tell y'all, parents, do not be around
Speaker 1: here making your kids an idle, because those kids are
Speaker 1: going to leave and you are going to be sadly,
Speaker 1: sadly disappointed. So be honest. Third, you need to put
Speaker 1: something in the way, a distraction, a barrier and obstacle
Speaker 1: that prevents you from leaning on that idle in an
Speaker 1: unhealthy way. If this were something that you could destroy,
Speaker 1: I would tell you to destroy it. Like if you
Speaker 1: know that you go to sugar to comfort you, I'm
Speaker 1: speaking to myself to comfort you.
Speaker 2: Right then.
Speaker 1: You don't want to put that in your home. You
Speaker 1: want to destroy the opportunity to set yourself up that
Speaker 1: way where you can't put your spouse outside of your home.
Speaker 1: They're still gonna be there, and it's not their fault
Speaker 1: that you've made them an idol. But what you need
Speaker 1: to do is you need to put a barrier up.
Speaker 1: That could be simply before I go to my spouse
Speaker 1: for comfort, I'm gonna pray there's your barrier right there.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go to God first, I'm gonna let him
Speaker 1: know these are the things that are troubling me. This
Speaker 1: is why my heart is heavy. Lord, I'm going to
Speaker 1: reach out to him first. Now, he very well may
Speaker 1: tell you I want you to go talk about this
Speaker 1: with your spouse. Great, if he tells you to do that,
Speaker 1: go do that. But if you know that you've got
Speaker 1: an unhealthy way of processing grief or processing trauma, or
Speaker 1: processing your needs being met, and you always go to
Speaker 1: your spouse first, then the simple switch is to go
Speaker 1: to God first. Put something in the way that is
Speaker 1: going to distract you or detract you from choosing that
Speaker 1: person over God. And then, fourth, and finally, you need
Speaker 1: to put God back on the throne, put him back
Speaker 1: in his rightful place. So maybe you've let your devotional
Speaker 1: life go, you've let your prayer life go, maybe you
Speaker 1: don't worship anymore like you used to. It's time for
Speaker 1: you to bring back those things and put God in
Speaker 1: his rightful place. I love my husband, I really do.
Speaker 1: But he does not stand in the same place as God.
Speaker 1: And that's a good thing because if I am going
Speaker 1: to him, or if you are going to your spouse
Speaker 1: to meet all of your needs, what happens when that
Speaker 1: person can't or won't or doesn't Then you've put all
Speaker 1: of your security and all of your confidence in them.
Speaker 1: You see, when you place all of your confidence and
Speaker 1: the Lord, he doesn't fail. And you don't have to
Speaker 1: be afraid of what.
Speaker 2: If he doesn't come through. You don't have to be
Speaker 2: afraid of that.
Speaker 1: He's constant, he's consistent, he's committed. So this is an
Speaker 1: episode that you might just want to linger on. I
Speaker 1: want you we're not going to do an affirmation today. Instead,
Speaker 1: I want you to take some time and I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna let some soft music play for about thirty seconds,
Speaker 1: and I want you to take some time and get
Speaker 1: real real with yourself about the idols that you have
Speaker 1: placed in your life.
Speaker 2: Maybe for you it isn't your marriage.
Speaker 1: Maybe you're listening to this episode because you wanted to
Speaker 1: tell somebody else that they've placed their marriage as an idol.
Speaker 1: Maybe for you it's something else. But I want you
Speaker 1: to be really honest with yourself. God, what are the
Speaker 1: idols that I have erected in my life? If you
Speaker 1: can destroy them, destroy them, and if you cannot, then
Speaker 1: I want you to put a barrier or an obstacle,
Speaker 1: which is going to the Lord first before going.
Speaker 2: To that person.
Speaker 1: So I just want to give you some time here
Speaker 1: for about thirty seconds, just to reflect, allow the whole
Speaker 1: spirit to speak to your heart.
Speaker 2: Right now.
Speaker 1: I want to just add my faith to your faith
Speaker 1: and say yes and amen to every prayer that you
Speaker 1: just prayed. May God be firmly rooted in your life.
Speaker 1: And may we never bow down to the idols of
Speaker 1: our marriage, our relationships. May we never place anything above
Speaker 1: before or beside God. Thank you so much for listening today.
Speaker 1: You can find the show notes to this episode and
Speaker 1: all the episodes at Rebuilding Us podcast dot com. We'll
Speaker 1: see you on the next episode.
Speaker 2: Take care,