00:00:02 Speaker 1: Life Audio. 00:00:06 Speaker 2: Welcome to the t must podcast, where we share how grace's commitment and cooperation can help couples live the everyday moments of marriage together. Hey everyone, we're. 00:00:15 Speaker 1: Ted and Dashley Slater. The idea of a soulmate, or that one and only person who completes us is a myth that has been around for thousands of years. It may seem like a concept only for non married people looking for the one, but here's the thing. If you are married and subscribe to the idea of soulmates, it can be harmful to your marriage. Today we'll share why. So Ted, this past weekend was eventful. 00:00:44 Speaker 2: Every weekend is eventful, even if it doesn't feel like it. Yes, wow, it's full of events, depending how you'd find. 00:00:50 Speaker 1: Event this is true. But our sixteen year old daughter had all four of her wisdom teachers on Saturday morning. 00:00:57 Speaker 2: Right. 00:00:58 Speaker 1: Yeah. It started a little rough too, because I thought we had an eighty AM and they showed up until nine, and I was not the one who made the mistake. They apologized, they handled it well, but it. 00:01:11 Speaker 2: Was a full discount. No, no, not even close. 00:01:15 Speaker 1: So you and I have both had our wisdom teeth removed. 00:01:17 Speaker 2: Yes, I've had three of my wisdom teeth removed. They left one just because they thought I was a smart Alex. 00:01:23 Speaker 1: Really, do you really still have one wisdom tootheism. 00:01:25 Speaker 2: I don't know why they left it, but I guess I'm grateful. 00:01:29 Speaker 1: Wow. Okay, that's interesting. How did I not know that about you? 00:01:33 Speaker 2: You don't often look at my wisdom teeth kind of a secret, hidden thing in the back of my face. 00:01:39 Speaker 1: Yes, that's true. Well, I had three removed when I was about thirty. 00:01:42 Speaker 2: Nine, three because he didn't have a fourth. 00:01:45 Speaker 1: Right, exactly, I only had three. I think one of our daughters is like that too, she only has three, but the one who had her wisdom teeth removed she had four. 00:01:51 Speaker 2: Well, I guess this concludes this episode of the We Now Know something new? 00:01:58 Speaker 1: Yes, wisdom tooth trivia. Okay, so the only good part about the recovery process of getting wisdom teeth. 00:02:04 Speaker 2: Out, oh binging TV? 00:02:06 Speaker 1: Yeah, is eating ice cream and binging TV. When I got mine out, I binged when Calls the Heart, which is now in like its twelfth season, but our daughter it is. I mean it started a little slow, but you had to stick with it once Rosemary, if you watch the show, you know the characters. Once Rosemary came along, he got much more interesting. But our daughter wanted to rewatch the TV show The Good Place. 00:02:29 Speaker 2: Do we need to add a caveat here? Yes, it's a fine TV series, but the premise is a little weird and you may want to look up reviews before you. 00:02:38 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's rated TVPG, but I think they messed up on that. I think it really should be TV fourteen. And I will say, if you're listening to this, we might give a spoiler or two. We'll try not to, but just know that could happen. 00:02:52 Speaker 2: There we go. 00:02:53 Speaker 1: So, The Good Place is about a woman named Eleanor who wakes up in the afterlife and is relieved to realize she's made it to the Good Place. And if you're wondering how this ties in to today's podcast topic, I will get to that. But she's relieved until she realizes she's there by mistake spoiler alert, the show doesn't present like a biblically correct view of heaven and hell. 00:03:14 Speaker 2: Wait, wait, a TV show that's not giving right biblically. 00:03:18 Speaker 1: Okay, well, you know I just have to throw that out there. That's a disclaimer. There. You know, it's very merit based on whether you get into the good place or the bad place. 00:03:27 Speaker 2: Well, in a sense, getting into heaven is merit based of course, it's Jesus merit. 00:03:32 Speaker 1: Right, not our own merit. Right on this show, it's like each individual's merit, yes. 00:03:39 Speaker 2: So, which is the opposite of biblical cruciation exactly. That's the good news, is it's not our merit or lack. 00:03:45 Speaker 1: Thereof, right, carry on, Yes, So when the characters arrive at the good Place, one of the first things that happens is they are introduced to their soulmates, right, you know, the person who is supposed to be perfect for them, meet all their needs and comp lead them. And today we're finishing up our marriage myth series by discussing this idea or myth of each of us having a perfect one and only soulmate who perfectly completes us. I just wanted to see how many times I could say perfect sentence that was perfect. So now it may seem like the myth of soulmates is only for non married people looking for quote unquote the one. But here's the thing. If you're married and subscribe to this idea of soulmates, it can be destructive or harmful to your marriage. So after a short break, we'll unpack why. So we're talking about soulmates today, and I recently learned that the idea of soulmates was first introduced a really, really really long time ago. 00:04:47 Speaker 2: Yeah. Was it like in some old TV show or small book or something. 00:04:51 Speaker 1: No, we're talking like three eighty five BC BC. 00:04:54 Speaker 2: That's yeah, Oh that's before Jesus. Okay. 00:04:56 Speaker 1: Yeah. So the ancient Greek philosopher Plato is credited with first introducing this concept in his book The Symposium. And it's interesting because we were talking about this before we started recording, and our nineteen year old daughter actually already knew this. She's like, oh, yeah, I knew that, And I was like, what I didn't. I just learned it as I was working on this. 00:05:15 Speaker 2: So when you say Plato, are you talking Plato or Socrates? 00:05:19 Speaker 1: Plato? Okay, yes, yeah. And he has a character in the Symposium who says, and I'm quoting, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their powers, you split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives and search for other halves. 00:05:38 Speaker 2: That is so romantic. 00:05:41 Speaker 1: Tragically, Yeah, so this, you know, this brought about that idea of searching for the person who completes us or makes us whole? 00:05:49 Speaker 2: Got it? So? 00:05:50 Speaker 1: Okay? So Will Plato first introduced this idea, According to a BBC article that I was reading, which I'll link to in the show notes, the actual term soulmate was first recorded in eighteen twenty two by poet Samuel Taylor Coolridge in his letter to a young lady. He wrote, to be happy in married life, you must have a soulmate. 00:06:10 Speaker 2: Which is kind of a spin on help meet. 00:06:14 Speaker 1: Maybe maybe, I mean, I think what I was reading about him is he did not have a happy marriage. Oh so I think that he. 00:06:22 Speaker 2: Was still looking. 00:06:23 Speaker 1: I think, so maybe help me. I mean, I find it fascinating. I don't know as far as those of you listening, but I find it fascinating to go back and see where did these things come from? 00:06:32 Speaker 2: Oh? Absolutely sure. 00:06:34 Speaker 1: So I mean this term soulmate, it's stuck around and continues to be an idea that there is a perfect person we are destined to be with who will complete and fulfill us. 00:06:43 Speaker 2: And I think for maybe for single Christians the concept of the soul might be so shorthand for you know, maybe God's opinion on a spouse for us. Like if if you're a single guy and you see you're developing a friendship with with a single female, and I mean you got to ask God, is this the one which is short for is what do you think of this relationship? God? 00:07:12 Speaker 1: Right? 00:07:13 Speaker 2: But I think it's your opinion God. 00:07:14 Speaker 1: Like the cultural version of it can actually make singles get stuck. 00:07:20 Speaker 2: Get stuck because you're going to keep looking. You don't want to make a mistake and pick the wrong person who's not your soulmate. 00:07:25 Speaker 1: Right. And the author of the BBC article that I mentioned, they actually interviewed a professor of religion and this professor put it well in his explanation of what the soulmate myth is, and he explained here's what he said. The soulmate myth promises fulfillment. It says that the isolation and loneliness that are so often part of the human experience are only temporary. This some day there will be a happily ever after in which we are united, or we are united with the one who understands us at every level, protects us, from harm and gives our life overwhelming significance. 00:08:00 Speaker 2: I mean that does describe our relationship. 00:08:03 Speaker 1: So well, there you go. I think I mean having a soulmate sounds pretty good. 00:08:09 Speaker 2: Right, Oh, it sounds great. Who would not want a soulmate? 00:08:13 Speaker 1: Right? So why is it a myth? And how can it be harmful? In marriage? 00:08:18 Speaker 2: It's so good? How can it be a myth? 00:08:20 Speaker 1: How can it be wrong? 00:08:23 Speaker 2: Well? 00:08:23 Speaker 1: First, I think it's a myth because no one but God can fill all of our deepest needs and fully complete us, you know. I mean, yeah, God told Adam it wasn't good for him to be alone. But I don't think God ever created Eve to understand Adam at every level and give Adams life like the ultimate overwhelming significant you. 00:08:42 Speaker 2: No, otherwise there would be no room for improvement in your relationship. You wouldn't have to work on your relationship right. 00:08:48 Speaker 1: Well, and would we need God if we fulfilled each other? 00:08:50 Speaker 2: Ah? That's of course, that's another great point. No. 00:08:54 Speaker 1: I mean marriage is meant to be special and significant and the closest earthly relationship we have. I mean, it represents the relationship between Christ and the Church. But our spouse is never meant to step in and do only what God can do is complete us. 00:09:08 Speaker 2: Complete us, bring us ultimate sort of meaning or purpose or direction. No, that's that's solid. I think we can quit right here. Do you want to quit right here? 00:09:17 Speaker 1: Let's keep going. We got more okay, Okay. Another reason I think it is a myth is because I don't think that soulmates are found. I think they're made. 00:09:28 Speaker 2: That sounds like it's a poster, maybe a demotivational poster. 00:09:35 Speaker 1: You know. 00:09:36 Speaker 2: This kind of has like a ship that's sinking, and it says, perhaps the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others. 00:09:44 Speaker 1: Well, it's meant to be positive, okay, because you know the moment I married you, you became my soulmates. Absolutely, we got married. We became just the right person for each other, even though neither of us is perfect, and we have lots of growing to do together. 00:09:58 Speaker 2: What are you saying you emphasize lots of growing. 00:10:03 Speaker 1: I don't know. We both have lots of growing or continued growing. 00:10:06 Speaker 2: Yes, this is yes. 00:10:07 Speaker 1: I think if people have been listening to the podcast long enough, they know we both have lots of growing to do. And I do want to note here that as we've said before when we talk through these things like you know you when you get married, that becomes your soulmate. Yes, we're not talking about abusive relationships. We are talking about marriages that are healthy but want to get. 00:10:27 Speaker 2: Better, which is a lot of them, right, I mean every marriage should want to get better because each of us has room for improvement and growth. Right, Okay, some of them have, some of us have lots of I. 00:10:43 Speaker 1: Will better like phrase my notes in the future. 00:10:46 Speaker 2: Like the word lots and gives me room for grace, lots of lots of great. 00:10:53 Speaker 1: Okay. So how can this soulmate myth be hurtful for our marriage? 00:10:57 Speaker 2: I think think of so many ways. Why don't you start off? 00:10:59 Speaker 1: Okay? One? I think that the soulmate myth leads us to easily believe other marriage myths. What do you mean, Well, all of the other myths that we've unpacked in this series tie back into this one. Because if we believe we have married our soulmate as defined by this myth, you know, the perfect person we are destined to be with, who completes us and fulfills us and keeps us happy, right, then we're more likely to believe that all we need is love to keep us together, right, and we'll believe that we won't and shouldn't have conflict. 00:11:31 Speaker 2: And if conflict happens, then that's an indication that maybe, well. 00:11:36 Speaker 1: We'll get to that one. Yes, and how we split relational responsibility will automatically be a perfect fifty to fifty or one hundred hundred. Absolutely, So if we married our soulmate, we're gonna I think we're naturally more easily believe those other myths. 00:11:53 Speaker 2: Yep, unrealistic expectations. 00:11:55 Speaker 1: Right, Okay, Well we're going to take another break and we'll be back to talk about two more ways the soulmate myth and hurt marriage. So we're back. We're talking about ways that the soulmate myth can hurt marriage. And the second one that I have is it leads us to believe that when marriage gets hard or we don't feel in love, that we married the wrong person and our soulmate is still out there. That's where you were going to go, That's. 00:12:25 Speaker 2: Where I was going. Yeah, what a sad, heartbreaking thing. Like if you're married and you start having doubts that, yeah, that maybe you didn't marry the one for you, the one they're still out there. 00:12:41 Speaker 1: Well. I came across another article online about soulmates and the title really got me. It was for as long as our love shall last? WHOA, how the soulmate myth makes marriage less happy and less stable? 00:12:55 Speaker 2: Wow? 00:12:55 Speaker 1: And the author Brad Wilcox talks about how the soulmate model of marriage is and I'm quoting one that assumes that marriage is primarily about an intense, romantic or emotional connection that should last only as long as it remains happy, fulfilling, and life giving to this self. So, like you talked about, I think the soulmate myth is that when you start to not feel happy or not fulfilled, or it's not life giving to us personally, then we go, hey, wait, maybe I made a mistake. 00:13:24 Speaker 2: Right, or not as life giving, right, you know? 00:13:28 Speaker 1: But I mean that kind of thinking is just selfish and short sighted. 00:13:32 Speaker 2: It's extremely selfish. I mean, that's the whole foundation of this idea is that this person isn't perfect for me, so therefore this is not meant to be. 00:13:44 Speaker 1: They're not making me happy anymore. And right, well, okay, so I talked about this in TMS. But the book in the book, yes. 00:13:53 Speaker 2: Not the movie. It's also made for TV movie. 00:13:59 Speaker 1: But okay, I talk about how in the weeks leading up to our wedding you were telling people about your impending death and you did Yes, you did not mean like I am losing my freedom. That was not what she meant. 00:14:12 Speaker 2: How do you know? Were you there? 00:14:16 Speaker 1: I was there when you said it most of the We'll have to talk about that later. 00:14:21 Speaker 2: What did I mean if I saying, yeah, I'm getting married the single Ted's going to die? 00:14:26 Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know. I'm going to tell you what I thought you meant. Okay, you know it was about dying to the single self. I mean you knew that there was going to be sacrifice and unselfishness required, which is the opposite of the soulmate myth, which says what's in this for me? I mean, we all come to marriage with some respect of how is this going to make me better? How is this going to make me happy? I mean, we all come to marriage with those things, but that should not be all that we come to marriage. 00:14:55 Speaker 2: Honestly, that's hopefully I phrased this right. One of the biggest bits of information that went through my head as I was evaluating whether I wanted to marry you was if you were good for me, and my determination was yes, I will be much better with Ashley than without her. 00:15:19 Speaker 1: But was it this good as in, is she going to help make me better? Was it that thing? 00:15:25 Speaker 2: Or was it merely happier? 00:15:28 Speaker 1: Yeah? 00:15:30 Speaker 2: Better, definitely better? Better. 00:15:32 Speaker 1: So it was this desire to grow and change, to be in a relationship that helped you grow and change? 00:15:38 Speaker 2: Yeah, which and not? Yeah? 00:15:41 Speaker 1: Yeah? You were getting a little nervous there if you were trying to figure out how to phrase that. Yes, well you've. 00:15:46 Speaker 2: Told me that before I have told you anythings before. 00:15:49 Speaker 1: You know. I came across to quote, well, I was doing my research by author and minister Miles Monroe, and I thought it was a good quote to mention here quo marriage is to imperfect people committing themselves to a perfect institution by making perfect vows from imperfect lips before a perfect God. 00:16:10 Speaker 2: There's a lot of perfect imperfect in there. Can you read that right? 00:16:13 Speaker 1: Yes, says marriage is to imperfect people, to imperfect people committing themselves to a perfect institution by making perfect vows from imperfect lips before a perfect God. And I mean marriage often plays out imperfectly, but I mean God created it, and the way he created it was perfect. 00:16:33 Speaker 2: Absolutely. 00:16:34 Speaker 1: Yeah, So I think that, you know, while the soulmate myth says we marry the perfect person and therefore will have a happy, imperfect marriage instead, you know what this quote makes me think about his marriage is meant to be, you know, this lifelong journey of ups and downs between imperfect people who are committed to finishing strong together. 00:16:53 Speaker 2: Sure. You know, I wonder if I mentioned the term helped me. I wonder if that term if people hear soulmate and they imagine that they're saying the biblical term help meet in a way, but the word help meat is you know, when the Bible talks about you know, Adam needs a help meet, what that means is a helper that's meat or sufficient or appropriate. So Eve was the helper that was sufficient and appropriate for Adam, you know, not I mean in a way, sure, a soulmate, but not in the modern way of thinking about. 00:17:31 Speaker 1: Soulmates, right, And I think that's why it was important to kind of start out and say, Okay, what are we talking about, where did it come from? What does it mean? Right, so that we have a working definition of what we're talking about, as we call it a myth. I mean, I think this is more of the Hallmark movie The perfect Person's out there for you. You might hate each other at first. If it's a homemark, I. 00:17:52 Speaker 2: Might even throw out I know this is maybe not somewhere you intended to go, but I'm going to throw out if you hear the term soulmate in your head, think of the term help meet. My spouse is a helper appropriate for me? So you're seeing red sign it, yeah, soulmate. Well, I'm saying the term I think is poisoned beyond you know, redemption, soulmate. Throw it out, yeah, but exchange it maybe for help meet a helper, appropriate and appropriate helper. 00:18:24 Speaker 1: Well, and that goes back to that idea that I mentioned earlier of you know, a soulmate isn't found, it's made. 00:18:30 Speaker 2: Yeah, right after you say I do, boom, there you go. Let's work on the soulmate thing together. 00:18:36 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, So we're not saying soulmates don't exist. We're just saying not in the oh, maybe they do not exist. 00:18:47 Speaker 2: It's a fun discussion that I'm right. 00:18:50 Speaker 1: All right, Well, do you want to hear the third thing? That I have I do. 00:18:52 Speaker 2: Let's hear the third thing. Do you need to take an AD break? 00:18:54 Speaker 1: No? I think we're good. 00:18:55 Speaker 2: Okay, go with the third one. 00:18:57 Speaker 1: We will have another ad break in a few minutes, okay, in case any missing them right now. So the soulmate myth can cause us to put too much pressure and expectation on our spouse and can set us up for disappointment. And we kind of talked through this with that fifty to fifty hundred hundred myth last week. But just this idea that when we expect too much of our spouse, and in this case, expect them to complete and fulfill us and make us happy in ways that only God can, that's too much pressure for a person. Yeah, And it's not only too much pressure, it's not something they can do. And then that sets us up for disappointment, which I think causes conflict and bitterness and all kinds of emotions we don't want to have in our marriages. I mean, conflict we do because conflict tells us go stronger, but like ongoing conflict that we're not dealing with and can't resolve. 00:19:50 Speaker 2: I would like to comment on this, but I don't know what to say. So I'm just going to leave it with your words. Okay, very good words. Thank you for saying them. 00:20:00 Speaker 1: A point, all right? To recap the idea that there is a perfect soulmate out there who will perfectly complete us and fulfill us is a myth. Instead. Yep, I'm surprised you haven't made a uh oh my, what is the myth? 00:20:17 Speaker 2: Yes, one of those references airplane movie? 00:20:21 Speaker 1: So instead wait, no. 00:20:23 Speaker 2: It was the Muppets, old Muppets movie. It is old Muppets or old airplane. It was one of those. 00:20:28 Speaker 1: Okay, I thought it was like Monty Python or something. Well, I don't know. We're getting derailed here, okay. So instead, who we marry becomes our soulmate or a helpmate, and we're committed to walking out this life with them. So we're going to take when we're at break here's your ad breakdead. When we return, we'll be back with this week's as Time Challenge. So for this week's US Time Challenge, make a list of other marriage myths we have talked about and reflect on whether they are impacting your marriage. If so, how can you replace them with truth? 00:21:06 Speaker 2: So make a list of other marriage myths or ask a question on your social profile social media profile, what are some marriage myths? Yeah, let's trust your friends. It's a good discussion, right, great discussion. 00:21:19 Speaker 1: Okay, Well, thanks for joining us on the Team US podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast and we'd love to have you leave a review over at Apple Podcasts. We're looking forward to next time as we keep talking about how grace, commitment, and cooperation can help couples live the everyday moments of marriage together. 00:21:38 Speaker 3: Team Us with Ted and Ashley Slater is a production of live audio and sale media. If you liked what you heard today, please take a second to rate and review the podcast in your favorite podcast app so that more listeners like you can find the show. For more faith filled inspirational podcasts, visit us at lifeaudio dot com. 00:22:00 Speaker 2: The Old Green