1 00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:03,480 Speaker 1: Life Audio. 2 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:09,080 Speaker 2: Welcome to the t must podcast, where we share how 3 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:12,600 Speaker 2: grace's commitment and cooperation can help couples live the everyday 4 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,560 Speaker 2: moments of marriage together. Hey everyone, we're. 5 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:19,279 Speaker 1: Ted and Dashley Slater. The idea of a soulmate, or 6 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,960 Speaker 1: that one and only person who completes us is a 7 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:25,040 Speaker 1: myth that has been around for thousands of years. It 8 00:00:25,079 --> 00:00:27,880 Speaker 1: may seem like a concept only for non married people 9 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:30,720 Speaker 1: looking for the one, but here's the thing. If you 10 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:33,519 Speaker 1: are married and subscribe to the idea of soulmates, it 11 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:36,560 Speaker 1: can be harmful to your marriage. Today we'll share why. 12 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,960 Speaker 1: So Ted, this past weekend was eventful. 13 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:47,200 Speaker 2: Every weekend is eventful, even if it doesn't feel like it. Yes, wow, 14 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,720 Speaker 2: it's full of events, depending how you'd find. 15 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:53,440 Speaker 1: Event this is true. But our sixteen year old daughter 16 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,320 Speaker 1: had all four of her wisdom teachers on Saturday morning. 17 00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:57,880 Speaker 2: Right. 18 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:03,200 Speaker 1: Yeah. It started a little rough too, because I thought 19 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:07,040 Speaker 1: we had an eighty AM and they showed up until nine, 20 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:08,640 Speaker 1: and I was not the one who made the mistake. 21 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,039 Speaker 1: They apologized, they handled it well, but it. 22 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:13,720 Speaker 2: Was a full discount. No, no, not even close. 23 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,720 Speaker 1: So you and I have both had our wisdom teeth removed. 24 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:20,040 Speaker 2: Yes, I've had three of my wisdom teeth removed. They 25 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,760 Speaker 2: left one just because they thought I was a smart Alex. 26 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,520 Speaker 1: Really, do you really still have one wisdom tootheism. 27 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:27,760 Speaker 2: I don't know why they left it, but I guess 28 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:28,640 Speaker 2: I'm grateful. 29 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,080 Speaker 1: Wow. Okay, that's interesting. How did I not know that 30 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,280 Speaker 1: about you? 31 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:36,399 Speaker 2: You don't often look at my wisdom teeth kind of 32 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,600 Speaker 2: a secret, hidden thing in the back of my face. 33 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,160 Speaker 1: Yes, that's true. Well, I had three removed when I 34 00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:43,040 Speaker 1: was about thirty. 35 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:44,840 Speaker 2: Nine, three because he didn't have a fourth. 36 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,760 Speaker 1: Right, exactly, I only had three. I think one of 37 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,560 Speaker 1: our daughters is like that too, she only has three, 38 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:51,280 Speaker 1: but the one who had her wisdom teeth removed she 39 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:51,720 Speaker 1: had four. 40 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:55,440 Speaker 2: Well, I guess this concludes this episode of the We 41 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 2: Now Know something new? 42 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,760 Speaker 1: Yes, wisdom tooth trivia. Okay, so the only good part 43 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,640 Speaker 1: about the recovery process of getting wisdom teeth. 44 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,240 Speaker 2: Out, oh binging TV? 45 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,560 Speaker 1: Yeah, is eating ice cream and binging TV. When I 46 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:12,320 Speaker 1: got mine out, I binged when Calls the Heart, which 47 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,400 Speaker 1: is now in like its twelfth season, but our daughter 48 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:19,040 Speaker 1: it is. I mean it started a little slow, but 49 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,920 Speaker 1: you had to stick with it once Rosemary, if you 50 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:24,120 Speaker 1: watch the show, you know the characters. Once Rosemary came along, 51 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:27,240 Speaker 1: he got much more interesting. But our daughter wanted to 52 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:28,919 Speaker 1: rewatch the TV show The Good Place. 53 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:33,079 Speaker 2: Do we need to add a caveat here? Yes, it's 54 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,040 Speaker 2: a fine TV series, but the premise is a little 55 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,239 Speaker 2: weird and you may want to look up reviews before you. 56 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:42,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's rated TVPG, but I think they messed up 57 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: on that. I think it really should be TV fourteen. 58 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,440 Speaker 1: And I will say, if you're listening to this, we 59 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:50,680 Speaker 1: might give a spoiler or two. We'll try not to, 60 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,400 Speaker 1: but just know that could happen. 61 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:52,960 Speaker 2: There we go. 62 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,560 Speaker 1: So, The Good Place is about a woman named Eleanor 63 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,160 Speaker 1: who wakes up in the afterlife and is relieved to 64 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,040 Speaker 1: realize she's made it to the Good Place. And if 65 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:04,320 Speaker 1: you're wondering how this ties in to today's podcast topic, 66 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:07,240 Speaker 1: I will get to that. But she's relieved until she 67 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:11,600 Speaker 1: realizes she's there by mistake spoiler alert, the show doesn't 68 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:14,320 Speaker 1: present like a biblically correct view of heaven and hell. 69 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:18,560 Speaker 2: Wait, wait, a TV show that's not giving right biblically. 70 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,960 Speaker 1: Okay, well, you know I just have to throw that 71 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,040 Speaker 1: out there. That's a disclaimer. There. You know, it's very 72 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,480 Speaker 1: merit based on whether you get into the good place 73 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:27,079 Speaker 1: or the bad place. 74 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:30,560 Speaker 2: Well, in a sense, getting into heaven is merit based 75 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,639 Speaker 2: of course, it's Jesus merit. 76 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,760 Speaker 1: Right, not our own merit. Right on this show, it's 77 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:38,520 Speaker 1: like each individual's merit, yes. 78 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 2: So, which is the opposite of biblical cruciation exactly. That's 79 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,640 Speaker 2: the good news, is it's not our merit or lack. 80 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 1: Thereof, right, carry on, Yes, So when the characters arrive 81 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 1: at the good Place, one of the first things that 82 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 1: happens is they are introduced to their soulmates, right, you know, 83 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,400 Speaker 1: the person who is supposed to be perfect for them, 84 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:02,240 Speaker 1: meet all their needs and comp lead them. And today 85 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:05,200 Speaker 1: we're finishing up our marriage myth series by discussing this 86 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 1: idea or myth of each of us having a perfect 87 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:11,400 Speaker 1: one and only soulmate who perfectly completes us. I just 88 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,760 Speaker 1: wanted to see how many times I could say perfect 89 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,839 Speaker 1: sentence that was perfect. So now it may seem like 90 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:19,400 Speaker 1: the myth of soulmates is only for non married people 91 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:22,240 Speaker 1: looking for quote unquote the one. But here's the thing. 92 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,080 Speaker 1: If you're married and subscribe to this idea of soulmates, 93 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,920 Speaker 1: it can be destructive or harmful to your marriage. So 94 00:04:28,279 --> 00:04:39,800 Speaker 1: after a short break, we'll unpack why. So we're talking 95 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,320 Speaker 1: about soulmates today, and I recently learned that the idea 96 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:46,720 Speaker 1: of soulmates was first introduced a really, really really long 97 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:47,200 Speaker 1: time ago. 98 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,840 Speaker 2: Yeah. Was it like in some old TV show or 99 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,120 Speaker 2: small book or something. 100 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,799 Speaker 1: No, we're talking like three eighty five BC BC. 101 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,400 Speaker 2: That's yeah, Oh that's before Jesus. Okay. 102 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,680 Speaker 1: Yeah. So the ancient Greek philosopher Plato is credited with 103 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:03,760 Speaker 1: first introducing this concept in his book The Symposium. And 104 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,680 Speaker 1: it's interesting because we were talking about this before we 105 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,440 Speaker 1: started recording, and our nineteen year old daughter actually already 106 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,800 Speaker 1: knew this. She's like, oh, yeah, I knew that, And 107 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,200 Speaker 1: I was like, what I didn't. I just learned it 108 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:15,680 Speaker 1: as I was working on this. 109 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:19,159 Speaker 2: So when you say Plato, are you talking Plato or Socrates? 110 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:24,120 Speaker 1: Plato? Okay, yes, yeah. And he has a character in 111 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:28,600 Speaker 1: the Symposium who says, and I'm quoting, humans were originally 112 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:31,040 Speaker 1: created with four arms, four legs, and a head with 113 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 1: two faces. Fearing their powers, you split them into two 114 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,400 Speaker 1: separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives and search 115 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:38,360 Speaker 1: for other halves. 116 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:40,160 Speaker 2: That is so romantic. 117 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:44,800 Speaker 1: Tragically, Yeah, so this, you know, this brought about that 118 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,760 Speaker 1: idea of searching for the person who completes us or 119 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:48,680 Speaker 1: makes us whole? 120 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,000 Speaker 2: Got it? So? 121 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,479 Speaker 1: Okay? So Will Plato first introduced this idea, According to 122 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,800 Speaker 1: a BBC article that I was reading, which I'll link 123 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:58,760 Speaker 1: to in the show notes, the actual term soulmate was 124 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:02,679 Speaker 1: first recorded in eighteen twenty two by poet Samuel Taylor 125 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,599 Speaker 1: Coolridge in his letter to a young lady. He wrote, 126 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:10,360 Speaker 1: to be happy in married life, you must have a soulmate. 127 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,800 Speaker 2: Which is kind of a spin on help meet. 128 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,919 Speaker 1: Maybe maybe, I mean, I think what I was reading 129 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,960 Speaker 1: about him is he did not have a happy marriage. 130 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,080 Speaker 1: Oh so I think that he. 131 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:22,600 Speaker 2: Was still looking. 132 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,640 Speaker 1: I think, so maybe help me. I mean, I find 133 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:28,599 Speaker 1: it fascinating. I don't know as far as those of 134 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,880 Speaker 1: you listening, but I find it fascinating to go back 135 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:32,280 Speaker 1: and see where did these things come from? 136 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:33,880 Speaker 2: Oh? Absolutely sure. 137 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:37,359 Speaker 1: So I mean this term soulmate, it's stuck around and 138 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,239 Speaker 1: continues to be an idea that there is a perfect 139 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,599 Speaker 1: person we are destined to be with who will complete 140 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:43,760 Speaker 1: and fulfill us. 141 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:48,839 Speaker 2: And I think for maybe for single Christians the concept 142 00:06:48,839 --> 00:06:53,040 Speaker 2: of the soul might be so shorthand for you know, 143 00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:57,359 Speaker 2: maybe God's opinion on a spouse for us. Like if 144 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:01,320 Speaker 2: if you're a single guy and you see you're developing 145 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:06,320 Speaker 2: a friendship with with a single female, and I mean 146 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,159 Speaker 2: you got to ask God, is this the one which 147 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,000 Speaker 2: is short for is what do you think of this relationship? God? 148 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:12,920 Speaker 1: Right? 149 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,680 Speaker 2: But I think it's your opinion God. 150 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:19,240 Speaker 1: Like the cultural version of it can actually make singles 151 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:20,040 Speaker 1: get stuck. 152 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:22,760 Speaker 2: Get stuck because you're going to keep looking. You don't 153 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:24,440 Speaker 2: want to make a mistake and pick the wrong person 154 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:25,360 Speaker 2: who's not your soulmate. 155 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:29,120 Speaker 1: Right. And the author of the BBC article that I mentioned, 156 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,400 Speaker 1: they actually interviewed a professor of religion and this professor 157 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,560 Speaker 1: put it well in his explanation of what the soulmate 158 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:39,080 Speaker 1: myth is, and he explained here's what he said. The 159 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 1: soulmate myth promises fulfillment. It says that the isolation and 160 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:46,040 Speaker 1: loneliness that are so often part of the human experience 161 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,680 Speaker 1: are only temporary. This some day there will be a 162 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:52,920 Speaker 1: happily ever after in which we are united, or we 163 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 1: are united with the one who understands us at every level, 164 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:59,800 Speaker 1: protects us, from harm and gives our life overwhelming significance. 165 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,640 Speaker 2: I mean that does describe our relationship. 166 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:08,600 Speaker 1: So well, there you go. I think I mean having 167 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,000 Speaker 1: a soulmate sounds pretty good. 168 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:13,120 Speaker 2: Right, Oh, it sounds great. Who would not want a soulmate? 169 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,800 Speaker 1: Right? So why is it a myth? And how can 170 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,680 Speaker 1: it be harmful? In marriage? 171 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 2: It's so good? How can it be a myth? 172 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:21,000 Speaker 1: How can it be wrong? 173 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:23,679 Speaker 2: Well? 174 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,160 Speaker 1: First, I think it's a myth because no one but 175 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,880 Speaker 1: God can fill all of our deepest needs and fully 176 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:32,000 Speaker 1: complete us, you know. I mean, yeah, God told Adam 177 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,960 Speaker 1: it wasn't good for him to be alone. But I 178 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:37,280 Speaker 1: don't think God ever created Eve to understand Adam at 179 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 1: every level and give Adams life like the ultimate overwhelming 180 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:42,280 Speaker 1: significant you. 181 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,520 Speaker 2: No, otherwise there would be no room for improvement in 182 00:08:44,559 --> 00:08:48,160 Speaker 2: your relationship. You wouldn't have to work on your relationship right. 183 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,720 Speaker 1: Well, and would we need God if we fulfilled each other? 184 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,800 Speaker 2: Ah? That's of course, that's another great point. No. 185 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,920 Speaker 1: I mean marriage is meant to be special and significant 186 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,560 Speaker 1: and the closest earthly relationship we have. I mean, it 187 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 1: represents the relationship between Christ and the Church. But our 188 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,840 Speaker 1: spouse is never meant to step in and do only 189 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,720 Speaker 1: what God can do is complete us. 190 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:12,680 Speaker 2: Complete us, bring us ultimate sort of meaning or purpose 191 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,640 Speaker 2: or direction. No, that's that's solid. I think we can 192 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 2: quit right here. Do you want to quit right here? 193 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:20,400 Speaker 1: Let's keep going. We got more okay, Okay. Another reason 194 00:09:20,559 --> 00:09:22,760 Speaker 1: I think it is a myth is because I don't 195 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:26,720 Speaker 1: think that soulmates are found. I think they're made. 196 00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:33,920 Speaker 2: That sounds like it's a poster, maybe a demotivational poster. 197 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:36,000 Speaker 1: You know. 198 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:39,400 Speaker 2: This kind of has like a ship that's sinking, and 199 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,720 Speaker 2: it says, perhaps the purpose of your life is to 200 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,120 Speaker 2: serve as a warning to others. 201 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:47,080 Speaker 1: Well, it's meant to be positive, okay, because you know 202 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:50,280 Speaker 1: the moment I married you, you became my soulmates. Absolutely, 203 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 1: we got married. We became just the right person for 204 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,679 Speaker 1: each other, even though neither of us is perfect, and 205 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,320 Speaker 1: we have lots of growing to do together. 206 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:03,000 Speaker 2: What are you saying you emphasize lots of growing. 207 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,200 Speaker 1: I don't know. We both have lots of growing or 208 00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:06,280 Speaker 1: continued growing. 209 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,440 Speaker 2: Yes, this is yes. 210 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:09,560 Speaker 1: I think if people have been listening to the podcast 211 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 1: long enough, they know we both have lots of growing 212 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,839 Speaker 1: to do. And I do want to note here that 213 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:18,480 Speaker 1: as we've said before when we talk through these things 214 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,400 Speaker 1: like you know you when you get married, that becomes 215 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:24,200 Speaker 1: your soulmate. Yes, we're not talking about abusive relationships. We 216 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:27,800 Speaker 1: are talking about marriages that are healthy but want to get. 217 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:31,600 Speaker 2: Better, which is a lot of them, right, I mean 218 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:35,120 Speaker 2: every marriage should want to get better because each of 219 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,240 Speaker 2: us has room for improvement and growth. Right, Okay, some 220 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,600 Speaker 2: of them have, some of us have lots of I. 221 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:46,840 Speaker 1: Will better like phrase my notes in the future. 222 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,320 Speaker 2: Like the word lots and gives me room for grace, 223 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,800 Speaker 2: lots of lots of great. 224 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:57,000 Speaker 1: Okay. So how can this soulmate myth be hurtful for 225 00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:57,600 Speaker 1: our marriage? 226 00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,000 Speaker 2: I think think of so many ways. Why don't you 227 00:10:59,040 --> 00:10:59,480 Speaker 2: start off? 228 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:03,080 Speaker 1: Okay? One? I think that the soulmate myth leads us 229 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:07,839 Speaker 1: to easily believe other marriage myths. What do you mean, Well, 230 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,280 Speaker 1: all of the other myths that we've unpacked in this 231 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,760 Speaker 1: series tie back into this one. Because if we believe 232 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,320 Speaker 1: we have married our soulmate as defined by this myth, 233 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,080 Speaker 1: you know, the perfect person we are destined to be with, 234 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,960 Speaker 1: who completes us and fulfills us and keeps us happy, right, 235 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,199 Speaker 1: then we're more likely to believe that all we need 236 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:28,280 Speaker 1: is love to keep us together, right, and we'll believe 237 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,880 Speaker 1: that we won't and shouldn't have conflict. 238 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:36,120 Speaker 2: And if conflict happens, then that's an indication that maybe, well. 239 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,680 Speaker 1: We'll get to that one. Yes, and how we split 240 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:44,480 Speaker 1: relational responsibility will automatically be a perfect fifty to fifty 241 00:11:44,559 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: or one hundred hundred. Absolutely, So if we married our soulmate, 242 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:52,439 Speaker 1: we're gonna I think we're naturally more easily believe those 243 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,040 Speaker 1: other myths. 244 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,160 Speaker 2: Yep, unrealistic expectations. 245 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:58,600 Speaker 1: Right, Okay, Well we're going to take another break and 246 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,800 Speaker 1: we'll be back to talk about two more ways the 247 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:12,520 Speaker 1: soulmate myth and hurt marriage. So we're back. We're talking 248 00:12:12,559 --> 00:12:15,360 Speaker 1: about ways that the soulmate myth can hurt marriage. And 249 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,360 Speaker 1: the second one that I have is it leads us 250 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,760 Speaker 1: to believe that when marriage gets hard or we don't 251 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 1: feel in love, that we married the wrong person and 252 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,160 Speaker 1: our soulmate is still out there. That's where you were 253 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:25,920 Speaker 1: going to go, That's. 254 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,800 Speaker 2: Where I was going. Yeah, what a sad, heartbreaking thing. 255 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:35,280 Speaker 2: Like if you're married and you start having doubts that, yeah, 256 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,840 Speaker 2: that maybe you didn't marry the one for you, the 257 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,320 Speaker 2: one they're still out there. 258 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:45,240 Speaker 1: Well. I came across another article online about soulmates and 259 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:48,960 Speaker 1: the title really got me. It was for as long 260 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,760 Speaker 1: as our love shall last? WHOA, how the soulmate myth 261 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 1: makes marriage less happy and less stable? 262 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:55,800 Speaker 2: Wow? 263 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,040 Speaker 1: And the author Brad Wilcox talks about how the soulmate 264 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:02,200 Speaker 1: model of marriage is and I'm quoting one that assumes 265 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:05,640 Speaker 1: that marriage is primarily about an intense, romantic or emotional 266 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:09,120 Speaker 1: connection that should last only as long as it remains happy, fulfilling, 267 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:13,880 Speaker 1: and life giving to this self. So, like you talked about, 268 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,360 Speaker 1: I think the soulmate myth is that when you start 269 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:19,000 Speaker 1: to not feel happy or not fulfilled, or it's not 270 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,360 Speaker 1: life giving to us personally, then we go, hey, wait, 271 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,800 Speaker 1: maybe I made a mistake. 272 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:27,720 Speaker 2: Right, or not as life giving, right, you know? 273 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:31,360 Speaker 1: But I mean that kind of thinking is just selfish 274 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:32,360 Speaker 1: and short sighted. 275 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,439 Speaker 2: It's extremely selfish. I mean, that's the whole foundation of 276 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:41,000 Speaker 2: this idea is that this person isn't perfect for me, 277 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,600 Speaker 2: so therefore this is not meant to be. 278 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:49,240 Speaker 1: They're not making me happy anymore. And right, well, okay, 279 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,959 Speaker 1: so I talked about this in TMS. But the book 280 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:53,280 Speaker 1: in the book, yes. 281 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:56,680 Speaker 2: Not the movie. It's also made for TV movie. 282 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,440 Speaker 1: But okay, I talk about how in the weeks leading 283 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,880 Speaker 1: up to our wedding you were telling people about your 284 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 1: impending death and you did Yes, you did not mean 285 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 1: like I am losing my freedom. That was not what 286 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:11,960 Speaker 1: she meant. 287 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,120 Speaker 2: How do you know? Were you there? 288 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,560 Speaker 1: I was there when you said it most of the 289 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,000 Speaker 1: We'll have to talk about that later. 290 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:24,080 Speaker 2: What did I mean if I saying, yeah, I'm getting 291 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,040 Speaker 2: married the single Ted's going to die? 292 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:27,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know. I'm going to tell you what 293 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:31,080 Speaker 1: I thought you meant. Okay, you know it was about 294 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:34,160 Speaker 1: dying to the single self. I mean you knew that 295 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,880 Speaker 1: there was going to be sacrifice and unselfishness required, which 296 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:41,200 Speaker 1: is the opposite of the soulmate myth, which says what's 297 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:42,960 Speaker 1: in this for me? I mean, we all come to 298 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:47,200 Speaker 1: marriage with some respect of how is this going to 299 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,480 Speaker 1: make me better? How is this going to make me happy? 300 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,640 Speaker 1: I mean, we all come to marriage with those things, 301 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,880 Speaker 1: but that should not be all that we come to marriage. 302 00:14:55,680 --> 00:15:01,720 Speaker 2: Honestly, that's hopefully I phrased this right. One of the 303 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:05,320 Speaker 2: biggest bits of information that went through my head as 304 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:09,480 Speaker 2: I was evaluating whether I wanted to marry you was 305 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:14,240 Speaker 2: if you were good for me, and my determination was yes, 306 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:18,760 Speaker 2: I will be much better with Ashley than without her. 307 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,720 Speaker 1: But was it this good as in, is she going 308 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,560 Speaker 1: to help make me better? Was it that thing? 309 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,160 Speaker 2: Or was it merely happier? 310 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,600 Speaker 1: Yeah? 311 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,080 Speaker 2: Better, definitely better? Better. 312 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,520 Speaker 1: So it was this desire to grow and change, to 313 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,880 Speaker 1: be in a relationship that helped you grow and change? 314 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, which and not? Yeah? 315 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,560 Speaker 1: Yeah? You were getting a little nervous there if you 316 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,240 Speaker 1: were trying to figure out how to phrase that. Yes, 317 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:47,120 Speaker 1: well you've. 318 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,760 Speaker 2: Told me that before I have told you anythings before. 319 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,040 Speaker 1: You know. I came across to quote, well, I was 320 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:56,680 Speaker 1: doing my research by author and minister Miles Monroe, and 321 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,200 Speaker 1: I thought it was a good quote to mention here 322 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:04,240 Speaker 1: quo marriage is to imperfect people committing themselves to a 323 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:08,280 Speaker 1: perfect institution by making perfect vows from imperfect lips before 324 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:09,080 Speaker 1: a perfect God. 325 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,400 Speaker 2: There's a lot of perfect imperfect in there. Can you 326 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:13,160 Speaker 2: read that right? 327 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:19,040 Speaker 1: Yes, says marriage is to imperfect people, to imperfect people 328 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:23,080 Speaker 1: committing themselves to a perfect institution by making perfect vows 329 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 1: from imperfect lips before a perfect God. And I mean 330 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:30,080 Speaker 1: marriage often plays out imperfectly, but I mean God created it, 331 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,840 Speaker 1: and the way he created it was perfect. 332 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:33,760 Speaker 2: Absolutely. 333 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, So I think that, you know, while the soulmate 334 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,080 Speaker 1: myth says we marry the perfect person and therefore will 335 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 1: have a happy, imperfect marriage instead, you know what this 336 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,760 Speaker 1: quote makes me think about his marriage is meant to be, 337 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,200 Speaker 1: you know, this lifelong journey of ups and downs between 338 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,440 Speaker 1: imperfect people who are committed to finishing strong together. 339 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,400 Speaker 2: Sure. You know, I wonder if I mentioned the term 340 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,920 Speaker 2: helped me. I wonder if that term if people hear 341 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:04,000 Speaker 2: soulmate and they imagine that they're saying the biblical term 342 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:08,520 Speaker 2: help meet in a way, but the word help meat 343 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,920 Speaker 2: is you know, when the Bible talks about you know, 344 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:16,159 Speaker 2: Adam needs a help meet, what that means is a 345 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:22,280 Speaker 2: helper that's meat or sufficient or appropriate. So Eve was 346 00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:26,399 Speaker 2: the helper that was sufficient and appropriate for Adam, you know, 347 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,080 Speaker 2: not I mean in a way, sure, a soulmate, but 348 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,600 Speaker 2: not in the modern way of thinking about. 349 00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:34,320 Speaker 1: Soulmates, right, And I think that's why it was important 350 00:17:34,359 --> 00:17:36,159 Speaker 1: to kind of start out and say, Okay, what are 351 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,320 Speaker 1: we talking about, where did it come from? What does 352 00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:42,200 Speaker 1: it mean? Right, so that we have a working definition 353 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,000 Speaker 1: of what we're talking about, as we call it a myth. 354 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,200 Speaker 1: I mean, I think this is more of the Hallmark 355 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:50,240 Speaker 1: movie The perfect Person's out there for you. You might 356 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,320 Speaker 1: hate each other at first. If it's a homemark, I. 357 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,560 Speaker 2: Might even throw out I know this is maybe not 358 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,600 Speaker 2: somewhere you intended to go, but I'm going to throw 359 00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:59,840 Speaker 2: out if you hear the term soulmate in your head, 360 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:04,040 Speaker 2: think of the term help meet. My spouse is a 361 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:10,520 Speaker 2: helper appropriate for me? So you're seeing red sign it, yeah, soulmate. Well, 362 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:17,680 Speaker 2: I'm saying the term I think is poisoned beyond you know, redemption, soulmate. 363 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:21,280 Speaker 2: Throw it out, yeah, but exchange it maybe for help 364 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,359 Speaker 2: meet a helper, appropriate and appropriate helper. 365 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,600 Speaker 1: Well, and that goes back to that idea that I 366 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:30,240 Speaker 1: mentioned earlier of you know, a soulmate isn't found, it's made. 367 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:34,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, right after you say I do, boom, there you go. 368 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,439 Speaker 2: Let's work on the soulmate thing together. 369 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:40,040 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, So we're not saying soulmates don't exist. We're 370 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:45,719 Speaker 1: just saying not in the oh, maybe they do not exist. 371 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,880 Speaker 2: It's a fun discussion that I'm right. 372 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,919 Speaker 1: All right, Well, do you want to hear the third thing? 373 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:52,600 Speaker 1: That I have I do. 374 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:53,960 Speaker 2: Let's hear the third thing. Do you need to take 375 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:54,560 Speaker 2: an AD break? 376 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:55,720 Speaker 1: No? I think we're good. 377 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:56,840 Speaker 2: Okay, go with the third one. 378 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,119 Speaker 1: We will have another ad break in a few minutes, okay, 379 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:03,320 Speaker 1: in case any missing them right now. So the soulmate 380 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,960 Speaker 1: myth can cause us to put too much pressure and 381 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,880 Speaker 1: expectation on our spouse and can set us up for disappointment. 382 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,040 Speaker 1: And we kind of talked through this with that fifty 383 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:15,080 Speaker 1: to fifty hundred hundred myth last week. But just this 384 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:19,480 Speaker 1: idea that when we expect too much of our spouse, 385 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,879 Speaker 1: and in this case, expect them to complete and fulfill 386 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,600 Speaker 1: us and make us happy in ways that only God can, 387 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:29,600 Speaker 1: that's too much pressure for a person. Yeah, And it's 388 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,240 Speaker 1: not only too much pressure, it's not something they can do. 389 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,520 Speaker 1: And then that sets us up for disappointment, which I 390 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:40,760 Speaker 1: think causes conflict and bitterness and all kinds of emotions 391 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,280 Speaker 1: we don't want to have in our marriages. I mean, 392 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,720 Speaker 1: conflict we do because conflict tells us go stronger, but 393 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:49,360 Speaker 1: like ongoing conflict that we're not dealing with and can't resolve. 394 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 2: I would like to comment on this, but I don't 395 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,200 Speaker 2: know what to say. So I'm just going to leave 396 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,879 Speaker 2: it with your words. Okay, very good words. Thank you 397 00:19:58,920 --> 00:19:59,440 Speaker 2: for saying them. 398 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:04,280 Speaker 1: A point, all right? To recap the idea that there 399 00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:08,240 Speaker 1: is a perfect soulmate out there who will perfectly complete 400 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:12,800 Speaker 1: us and fulfill us is a myth. Instead. Yep, I'm 401 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:16,320 Speaker 1: surprised you haven't made a uh oh my, what is 402 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:16,920 Speaker 1: the myth? 403 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:20,680 Speaker 2: Yes, one of those references airplane movie? 404 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,439 Speaker 1: So instead wait, no. 405 00:20:23,359 --> 00:20:26,399 Speaker 2: It was the Muppets, old Muppets movie. It is old 406 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,240 Speaker 2: Muppets or old airplane. It was one of those. 407 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,800 Speaker 1: Okay, I thought it was like Monty Python or something. Well, 408 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,400 Speaker 1: I don't know. We're getting derailed here, okay. So instead, 409 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:39,040 Speaker 1: who we marry becomes our soulmate or a helpmate, and 410 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,320 Speaker 1: we're committed to walking out this life with them. So 411 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,240 Speaker 1: we're going to take when we're at break here's your 412 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,800 Speaker 1: ad breakdead. When we return, we'll be back with this 413 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:57,960 Speaker 1: week's as Time Challenge. So for this week's US Time Challenge, 414 00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:00,440 Speaker 1: make a list of other marriage myths we have talked 415 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:03,400 Speaker 1: about and reflect on whether they are impacting your marriage. 416 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,760 Speaker 1: If so, how can you replace them with truth? 417 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:10,000 Speaker 2: So make a list of other marriage myths or ask 418 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,720 Speaker 2: a question on your social profile social media profile, what 419 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:17,040 Speaker 2: are some marriage myths? Yeah, let's trust your friends. It's 420 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:19,280 Speaker 2: a good discussion, right, great discussion. 421 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,640 Speaker 1: Okay, Well, thanks for joining us on the Team US podcast. 422 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:25,360 Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast 423 00:21:25,359 --> 00:21:27,200 Speaker 1: and we'd love to have you leave a review over 424 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,280 Speaker 1: at Apple Podcasts. We're looking forward to next time as 425 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:33,320 Speaker 1: we keep talking about how grace, commitment, and cooperation can 426 00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:36,320 Speaker 1: help couples live the everyday moments of marriage together. 427 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,640 Speaker 3: Team Us with Ted and Ashley Slater is a production 428 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:44,520 Speaker 3: of live audio and sale media. If you liked what 429 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,800 Speaker 3: you heard today, please take a second to rate and 430 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,919 Speaker 3: review the podcast in your favorite podcast app so that 431 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,920 Speaker 3: more listeners like you can find the show. For more 432 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:59,680 Speaker 3: faith filled inspirational podcasts, visit us at lifeaudio dot com. 433 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:00,879 Speaker 2: The Old Green