Speaker 1: Life Audio.
Speaker 2: Hi there, it's Danache and welcome to the Rebuilding US
Speaker 2: Marriage Podcast. One of the things that has helped us
Speaker 2: is to pause and let time kind of help out. Now,
Speaker 2: time does not solve anything. Time does not heal all wounds.
Speaker 2: If you just sit there and don't handle a situation,
Speaker 2: twenty four hours will turn into forty eight hours, will
Speaker 2: turn into seventy two hours, will turn into a lifetime
Speaker 2: of you just icing each other out. So what I
Speaker 2: am not saying is just don't talk to each other
Speaker 2: for twenty four hours. What I'm saying is, in that
Speaker 2: twenty four hours, take some time to assess what is
Speaker 2: going on with me. There are a lot of really
Speaker 2: great things that happen in the twenty four hours that
Speaker 2: really kind of marked the way that we handle conflict
Speaker 2: from that day forward. Hey, hey, friends, it's staying to
Speaker 2: sche and you're listening to the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast.
Speaker 2: I am so grateful to be here with you guys today.
Speaker 2: I have some tattle telling on myself that I need
Speaker 2: to do in this episode, and I think that as
Speaker 2: I share my weaknesses with you, you are going to
Speaker 2: realize that you're not alone, that you are not the
Speaker 2: only person who does not always handle conflict. Well, you
Speaker 2: are not the only person who regrets sometimes the things
Speaker 2: that you said, or maybe even the things that you
Speaker 2: did not say. And so today we are having a
Speaker 2: conversation about how to respond when you are angry, how
Speaker 2: to respond in conflicts. Specifically, we talk a lot about
Speaker 2: conflict on this podcast because hello, you're married, and if
Speaker 2: you're married, you know that conflict signs up with you
Speaker 2: at the altar. Now you don't know that you guys
Speaker 2: love each other. You're staring in each other's eyes. You're thinking,
Speaker 2: this is the best person that God ever created, and
Speaker 2: I'm so excited to marry them, and then you realize
Speaker 2: in about fifteen minutes you're gonna have a conflict. Okay,
Speaker 2: probably because they smashed the wedding cake in your face
Speaker 2: and you spent two hundred dollars on your makeup, and
Speaker 2: why in the world did they think that that was
Speaker 2: a good idea. I'm not sure what your conflict is
Speaker 2: going to be, but just understand that all marriages have conflicts.
Speaker 2: So depending on when you're listening to this episode, our
Speaker 2: family just returned from an incredible vacation. We went to
Speaker 2: Tokyo for a couple of weeks actually, and then we
Speaker 2: went to Guam. So if y'all know my daughter, Kayla,
Speaker 2: she is a officer in the Air Force. She's stationed
Speaker 2: in Guam right now. And so we spent the first
Speaker 2: part of that vacation in Tokyo, like I just said,
Speaker 2: and then we went to Guam to kind of check
Speaker 2: out her place. And let me tell y'all something, Okay,
Speaker 2: We've been taking family vacations for many years. It's a
Speaker 2: value of mine. I love to travel, I love vacationing.
Speaker 2: It's something that I have wanted my children also to value,
Speaker 2: and so we take them on these amazing trips. I know,
Speaker 2: because we're fabulous parents, they're going to realize it one day.
Speaker 2: But anyway, y'all, we're in Tokyo and me and Sean
Speaker 2: are having a silent treatments situation. Okay, Like it's to
Speaker 2: the point where we've learned how to be cordial. Like
Speaker 2: Sean and I are not shouters, we're not yellers. We
Speaker 2: don't argue back and forth, right, but we will ic
Speaker 2: each other out. It's really not good. It's really not good.
Speaker 2: So here we are on this fabulous vacation. I talk
Speaker 2: about this. And if you guys are on my email list,
Speaker 2: you've already heard this story. And side note, if you're
Speaker 2: not on my email list, why not if you listen
Speaker 2: to this podcast every week or maybe you're a new listener,
Speaker 2: you can get weekly updates from me. I don't spam you,
Speaker 2: I don't send you a whole bit of you know,
Speaker 2: non non necessary as that a word, unnecessary information. But
Speaker 2: you can get on my email list by simply going
Speaker 2: to Danashay dot com forward slash email, and that's where
Speaker 2: I really connect with you the most. We have a
Speaker 2: fabulous time over on the email list. Lots of you
Speaker 2: all respond back in your emails, and that's kind of
Speaker 2: how the best way really that we can stay connected.
Speaker 2: So anyway, if you're on an email list, you've already.
Speaker 1: Heard this story.
Speaker 2: So here we are on vacation and we're having this
Speaker 2: massive disagreement. I don't even know what we were arguing about.
Speaker 2: I don't even know like what the disagreement was about.
Speaker 2: And that's the crazy thing about conflict, right, Like how
Speaker 2: many times have you been in conflict with your spouse
Speaker 2: and you don't even know why?
Speaker 1: You're like, I don't even know who did what?
Speaker 2: Who said what? I just know that we're upset with
Speaker 2: each other. We're not talking, So here we are and
Speaker 2: we're having this silent treatment. And so because I air
Speaker 2: all of my dirty laundry, so the devil has nothing
Speaker 2: on me. I decided that I was going to tell
Speaker 2: my kids, Hey, you guys may have noticed that Dad
Speaker 2: and I aren't really talking. And they were like, yep,
Speaker 2: we noticed. You know how older kids, and even if
Speaker 2: you have little kids, listen, don't think that your children
Speaker 2: do not know when you and your spouse are not
Speaker 2: getting along.
Speaker 1: They know.
Speaker 2: And so I just felt like, let's just get it
Speaker 2: out there in the open. And thankfully, before the vacation
Speaker 2: was over, Sean and I have reconciled. But it started
Speaker 2: me thinking about how many people go through conflicts and
Speaker 2: they become angry. Now you know that anger takes on
Speaker 2: many different forms. Some people are seethers, right like, they
Speaker 2: just seethe inside. They implode, is what happens. Because they
Speaker 2: don't talk, They just kind of hold all of that
Speaker 2: conflict in. They become very bitter, they become resentful. I
Speaker 2: think that's actually more dangerous than the people who explode,
Speaker 2: the people who shout or yell or you know, act
Speaker 2: a fool. And the reason that I think that imploding
Speaker 2: can be more damaging and more dangerous than exploding is
Speaker 2: because at least when you explode, you get it out. Now,
Speaker 2: I'm not encouraging you to explode on your spouse. I'm
Speaker 2: not saying that that's the right way to handle it.
Speaker 2: We've got to learn how to address our anger and
Speaker 2: specifically when it comes to our spouses in ways that
Speaker 2: are healthy. So this podcast episode is going to be
Speaker 2: really biblical. So if you are not a believer, if
Speaker 2: you do not believe in the Word of God, then
Speaker 2: I'm still going to encourage you to stay because I
Speaker 2: think that you're going to hear something that's going to
Speaker 2: hopefully help you to understand how you can use the
Speaker 2: Word of God to help you in your conflicts. If
Speaker 2: you are a believer, you may have already heard the
Speaker 2: scripture and maybe you've even heard someone preach on it
Speaker 2: or teach on it. Maybe you yourself have even quoted
Speaker 2: the scripture, and you're not necessarily living the scripture. So
Speaker 2: we're going to talk from the Book of Ephesians, and
Speaker 2: a lot of times, y'all, when we quote scriptures like
Speaker 2: I'm not going to accuse y'all of doing this, but
Speaker 2: some people that I known, when they quote scriptures, they
Speaker 2: quote it like wildly out of context, or they cherry pick.
Speaker 2: They'll pick a scripture that it just says what they
Speaker 2: want to say, and then they'll make a whole theology,
Speaker 2: a whole doctrine, a whole argument based on that one scripture.
Speaker 2: We're not doing that, Okay, We're going to take the
Speaker 2: scripture in its context. So I'm going to be reading
Speaker 2: out of the Book of Ephesians, which is in the
Speaker 2: New Testament, chapter four, and I'm going to start. I'm
Speaker 2: not going to read like the verse that everybody knows,
Speaker 2: which is in your anger, do not sin, don't let
Speaker 2: the sun go down on your anger. Maybe you've heard
Speaker 2: that quoted, maybe you've said that. I'm going to read
Speaker 2: a few verses before that. But before I read the scripture,
Speaker 2: I gotta tell you this little corny joke. So I
Speaker 2: came across this joke a few years ago, and it
Speaker 2: said the Bible says, don't let the sign go down
Speaker 2: on your anger.
Speaker 1: So my husband and I had been up for two.
Speaker 2: Weeks, ah wish, I had a like a you know,
Speaker 2: a comedian drum roll there, But isn't that the truth?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: Like we've heard like don't let the sun go down
Speaker 2: on your anger? So what are we supposed to do? Like,
Speaker 2: does that mean that you're supposed to settle every argument
Speaker 2: within twenty four hours?
Speaker 1: Is that even possible? Well, today I'm.
Speaker 2: Going to be sharing with you why I believe that
Speaker 2: pausing for twenty four hours can actually be very advantageous
Speaker 2: for your marriage. All right, let's get into the scripture
Speaker 2: and then I'll explain to you a little bit what
Speaker 2: I'm mean. Okay, I'm gonna start reading Ephesians four.
Speaker 1: Let's go.
Speaker 2: Let's start at verse twenty two. Throw off your old
Speaker 2: sinful nature and your former way of life.
Speaker 1: What does that mean?
Speaker 2: That means that before you became a Christian, there was
Speaker 2: some stuff you used to do. There was there was
Speaker 2: a way that you used to live, maybe a way
Speaker 2: that you used to speak. Paul, who was the writer
Speaker 2: of Ephesians the Apostle. Paul is saying, when you become
Speaker 2: a believer, you gotta throw that stuff away, Like you
Speaker 2: can't just keep acting the same way once you receive Christ. Okay,
Speaker 2: so he says instead verse twenty three. Instead of acting
Speaker 2: how you used to that basically verse twenty three. Instead,
Speaker 2: let the spirit renew your thoughts and your attitudes. Put
Speaker 2: on your new nature, created to be like God. Do
Speaker 2: you know that as a Christian you are supposed to
Speaker 2: be like God? You are supposed to reflect His image.
Speaker 2: That means the way you act should be very similar
Speaker 2: to the way that He acts. The way that you
Speaker 2: talk should be very similar to the way that He talks.
Speaker 2: So create it to be like God, truly, righteous and holy,
Speaker 2: verse twenty five. So stop telling lies. Let us tell
Speaker 2: our neighbors the truth. Who's your closest neighbor your spouse?
Speaker 2: True right, if you're married, your closest neighbor is not
Speaker 2: the person who lives next door to you. Your closest
Speaker 2: neighbor is the person that you lay in bed with
Speaker 2: your spouse. So don't think that this is just like
Speaker 2: a kumbayah, a nice Christian advice for the world. No,
Speaker 2: this is you and your household. Okay, stop telling lies.
Speaker 2: Let us tell our neighbors the truth. Now you might
Speaker 2: be thinking, well, I don't lie to my spouse. Really,
Speaker 2: if your spouse says what's wrong and you're like nothing
Speaker 2: and you know that you're seething inside. That would be
Speaker 2: a lie, all right. So Paul goes on to say,
Speaker 2: why for we are all parts of the same body
Speaker 2: here we are verse twenty six, And don't send by
Speaker 2: letting anger control you. Don't let the sun go down
Speaker 2: while you are still angry. For anger gives a foothold
Speaker 2: to the devil.
Speaker 1: So all of.
Speaker 2: These conjunctions are important. A lot of times read the
Speaker 2: word and we stop before the hands. My best friend
Speaker 2: and I we always talk about this where like you know,
Speaker 2: a lot of people they read the Bible, they quote
Speaker 2: the scripture and they stop before the andend. Well, we're
Speaker 2: not gonna stop before the end or in this case,
Speaker 2: before the four fo R. So Paul is saying, don't
Speaker 2: let the sun go down while you're still angry. Why
Speaker 2: for anger gives a foothold to the devil. What is
Speaker 2: a foothole? That means that it gives the enemy the devil,
Speaker 2: which we believe is real. Maybe you don't believe in satan,
Speaker 2: you don't believe in the demonic, you don't believe in
Speaker 2: spiritual warfare. You're mistaken, friend, There is a such thing
Speaker 2: as spiritual warfare. There is a such thing as the enemy,
Speaker 2: and he is all up in your house and he
Speaker 2: is trying to cause division everywhere he goes. When you
Speaker 2: allow anger to resonate in your life, in your marriage,
Speaker 2: you give the enemy, the devil a way in a foothold.
Speaker 2: I want you think about like if someone's holding a
Speaker 2: door open and they're trying to close the door, and
Speaker 2: you put your foot in it to keep the door
Speaker 2: from closing. Well, that person now has access into your home.
Speaker 2: That's what happens when we allow anger to control us,
Speaker 2: and when we allow our marriages to continue in these
Speaker 2: cycles of anger. Now, when the Bible says don't let
Speaker 2: the sun go down while you are still angry, does
Speaker 2: that literally mean that you have to solve every single
Speaker 2: argument before you go to bed. I don't believe so.
Speaker 2: And I'm going to tell you why after the break.
Speaker 2: And I'm also going to tell you why. I believe
Speaker 2: that some sometimes waiting, pausing for twenty four hours is
Speaker 2: one of the best things that you can do for
Speaker 2: conflict in your marriage. So we have to take a
Speaker 2: quick break for a word from our sponsor. Don't go anywhere,
Speaker 2: We'll be right back. One of the hardest things about
Speaker 2: Resolving conflict is knowing where to start. This is why
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Speaker 2: Slash Conversation Starters. Now back to our show. All right,
Speaker 2: from we are back, So let's talk a little bit
Speaker 2: about what this verse means. I just read to you Ephesians,
Speaker 2: Chapter four, verse twenty six, and don't let and don't
Speaker 2: sin by letting anger control you. Don't let the sign
Speaker 2: go down while you are still angry, for anger gives
Speaker 2: a foothold to the devil. Now, notice it does not
Speaker 2: say do not let the sun go down while you
Speaker 2: still have a conflict. There's a difference between having a
Speaker 2: conflict or a disagreement or a misunderstanding and then being
Speaker 2: controlled by anger. You may have heard me say this
Speaker 2: on the podcast before. I've said it lots of times,
Speaker 2: anger is always a secondary emotion, meaning when you get angry,
Speaker 2: that's not the real emotion or the deeper emotion that
Speaker 2: you're feeling. Anger is absolutely real, but what is anger protecting?
Speaker 2: What is anger covering? What was the first thing that
Speaker 2: you felt? This is where the real solutions and healing
Speaker 2: come into play. So when I am mad at Sean,
Speaker 2: which doesn't happen often because Sean's really easy going. I mean,
Speaker 2: he really is very easy going. He does not get
Speaker 2: angry a lot, like at all. As a matter of fact,
Speaker 2: if he gets angry, something big has happened. So when
Speaker 2: I get angry at him, I've trained myself to ask myself, Dana,
Speaker 2: what is really going on with you?
Speaker 1: Why are you angry? And you know what?
Speaker 2: For me, it's usually I feel rejected, I feel disrespected,
Speaker 2: I feel ignored, I feel unheard, I feel taken advantage
Speaker 2: of right Like, those emotions are what I need to
Speaker 2: be paying attention to. The anger is just to cover
Speaker 2: because of my pride or because I don't want to
Speaker 2: look weak, Like that's just just being real. Maybe your
Speaker 2: anger operates differently, but for most people, we get angry
Speaker 2: because we don't want to look weak it's socially acceptable
Speaker 2: to be angry, especially if you're a man. If you're
Speaker 2: a man, it is socially acceptable for you to get angry,
Speaker 2: not always socially acceptable for you to cry, or for
Speaker 2: you to feel embarrassed or shamed or weak. So what
Speaker 2: happens is instead of us just being real with ourselves
Speaker 2: or our spouses and saying, you know, I was really
Speaker 2: hurt when you said that to me, I just lash
Speaker 2: out in anger because it's easier. So this is what
Speaker 2: I've trained myself to do. When I'm upset, I'm like, okay,
Speaker 2: I'm like asking myself all these questions. I'm basically essentially
Speaker 2: I'm coaching myself. I'm asking myself all these questions to
Speaker 2: try to figure out what is really going on with me.
Speaker 2: So when we're on this vacation, I ask myself one
Speaker 2: night because I couldn't sleep, because I can never sleep
Speaker 2: when me and Sean are at odds, and he can't.
Speaker 1: Sleep either, so we're both just up right.
Speaker 2: Instead of just talking about the situation, we're both just
Speaker 2: up and you know how, you know that your spouse
Speaker 2: is awake and they're trying to lay real still, so
Speaker 2: you think they're sleep, but you know they're awake because
Speaker 2: they haven't started that like deep breathing yet.
Speaker 1: So here we are laying in the bed and I'm thinking,
Speaker 1: why am I even upset? Like what is going on?
Speaker 2: And as I'm starting to think about why I was upset,
Speaker 2: I realized I felt unseen. Well that is a trigger
Speaker 2: point for me. And I'm not going to spend time
Speaker 2: going all into deep into my childhood and telling you
Speaker 2: you know why I feel so triggered by this, But
Speaker 2: I was triggered. I felt unseen on that trip. I
Speaker 2: felt like all of my efforts were like worthless frags
Speaker 2: and these people, these ungrateful people, and my family, you know,
Speaker 2: like you know how we can go there?
Speaker 1: Right, we can go off? And so I said, all right,
Speaker 1: is that true? Because just because you feel.
Speaker 2: Like it's true doesn't necessarily make it true. I might
Speaker 2: feel rejected. I said this on last week's episode. It
Speaker 2: was a sweet repeat, But I believe I said this
Speaker 2: last week. Even though I might feel rejected does not
Speaker 2: necessarily mean that I am being rejected. So when we
Speaker 2: we are emotionally mature enough to be real with ourselves,
Speaker 2: we can ask ourselves stuff like this, all right, Danny,
Speaker 2: you feel unseen?
Speaker 1: But is that the truth?
Speaker 2: Is Sean's goal in life to make you feel unseen?
Speaker 2: Is that what you feel like he's trying to do here?
Speaker 2: And then when I started thinking about this logically, I'm like,
Speaker 2: you know what, probably not, So what else is going
Speaker 2: on here? Maybe I should ask the man, like, maybe
Speaker 2: I should actually ask him? And like I said, y'all,
Speaker 2: I don't even remember what happened to make me feel
Speaker 2: this way, but maybe I should ask what's going on
Speaker 2: with you? Do you feel is there something going on
Speaker 2: with you and me? Like? Are you upsetting me about something?
Speaker 2: There's lots of questions that I could have asked him,
Speaker 2: but I didn't. I sat there and I stewed, and
Speaker 2: I was silent. Now, in my case, I wouldn't necessarily
Speaker 2: call it anger and this particular example. There have been
Speaker 2: other examples where I have absolutely been angry. But one
Speaker 2: of the things that Sean and I have done in
Speaker 2: our marriage, and this was his idea. This was certainly
Speaker 2: not a Daniche idea. One of the things that Sean
Speaker 2: asked me years ago we were having And again, if
Speaker 2: you guys have listened to the podcast for a long time,
Speaker 2: some of you og listeners. I told this story back
Speaker 2: in I think episode one hundred and seventeen or something
Speaker 2: when I was talking about communication and conflict, which I
Speaker 2: talk about a lot. But one time there was something
Speaker 2: that Sean and I were at odds again or odds about,
Speaker 2: and he asked me, He said, I want to have
Speaker 2: them I want to have this conversation with you, but
Speaker 2: I want you to wait twenty four hours before you respond.
Speaker 2: And I was like, twenty four hours, Like that is
Speaker 2: a long time to not respond to something. And my
Speaker 2: initial inclination was no, I'm not gonna wait that long.
Speaker 2: Let's just go ahead and deal with this conflict. Because
Speaker 2: I don't like unresolved conflict. I hate it.
Speaker 1: I liked it.
Speaker 2: If there's conflict, I liked you just go ahead and
Speaker 2: deal with it. Let's just get it over with, let's
Speaker 2: just handle it. But in this case, he asked me
Speaker 2: to wait twenty four hours. He never asked me that before,
Speaker 2: and I was like, all right, all right, fine, let's
Speaker 2: do it. So you know what happened in twenty four hours.
Speaker 1: A lot.
Speaker 2: I was able to think logically. I was able to
Speaker 2: calm myself down from whatever it is, whatever it was
Speaker 2: I was upset about. I was able to look at
Speaker 2: his perspective. I was able to come up with a
Speaker 2: different response than I would have had in the moment.
Speaker 2: There are a lot of really great things that happen
Speaker 2: in the twenty four hours that really kind of marked
Speaker 2: the way that we handle conflict from that day forward. Now,
Speaker 2: we don't always give each other twenty four hours. There
Speaker 2: are times when we just need to deal with this thing, like,
Speaker 2: let's just talk about it, let's just solve it if.
Speaker 1: We can, let's move on. But many times we will.
Speaker 2: Say, you know what, let's just pause here, let's take
Speaker 2: a break, because a lot of times, especially if you're arguing.
Speaker 2: Now again, Sean and I are not arguers. We're not
Speaker 2: going to go back and forth and yell. That's just
Speaker 2: not us, probably because I grew up that way. I
Speaker 2: don't have time for that, okay, And that's just not
Speaker 2: even Sean's disposition. He's just not gonna sit there and
Speaker 2: argue with you. But one of the things that has
Speaker 2: helped us is to pause and let time kind of
Speaker 2: help out. Now, time does not solve anything. Time does
Speaker 2: not heal all wounds. If you just sit there and
Speaker 2: don't handle a situation, twenty four hours will turn into
Speaker 2: forty eight hours, will turn into seventy two hours, will
Speaker 2: turn into a lifetime of you just icing each other out.
Speaker 2: So what I am not saying is just don't talk
Speaker 2: to each other for twenty four hours. What I'm saying is,
Speaker 2: in that twenty four hours, take some time to assess
Speaker 2: what is going on with me? Could I be seeing
Speaker 2: this from the wrong perspective. Do I need to ask
Speaker 2: my spouse some follow up questions? Do I need to
Speaker 2: ask myself some follow up questions? Why did this thing
Speaker 2: bother me so bad? What about the situation is really
Speaker 2: triggering me? And sometimes it's gonna take a lot of
Speaker 2: time for you to be able to go through all
Speaker 2: of those questions in order for you to be honest
Speaker 2: with yourself. So what we have learned is that when
Speaker 2: we take the time to do this, when we come
Speaker 2: back to the conversation, which you need to give yourself
Speaker 2: a time stamp. Like literally, if it's six o'clock and
Speaker 2: you all are having a conflict and you tell each other, okay,
Speaker 2: let's wait twenty four hours. Make sure that you say
Speaker 2: tomorrow after dinner, or tomorrow before dinner, or tomorrow at
Speaker 2: two o'clock or whenever it is, give yourself a time
Speaker 2: stamp so that you can come back to the conversation,
Speaker 2: because if you don't, what's going to happen, Well, it's
Speaker 2: just easier just to not deal with it.
Speaker 1: So we're just gonna put it off again.
Speaker 2: And then you think that we'll just get over it,
Speaker 2: but really you've gotten over nothing. You've just decided to
Speaker 2: ignore the problem. And ignoring an issue never makes it
Speaker 2: go away. That's how resentment builds up, because then what's
Speaker 2: gonna happen. You're gonna have another conflict inevitably, and then
Speaker 2: now that conflict is going to get piled onto the
Speaker 2: conflict that you had unresolved, and then you're gonna have
Speaker 2: another conflict.
Speaker 1: And do you see how the cycle is?
Speaker 2: And so this is where we get couples fifteen twenty
Speaker 2: years in and they divorce because they're like, we just
Speaker 2: grew apart. It wasn't that you just grew apart, it
Speaker 2: was that you intentionally disconnected and stayed disconnected. That's a
Speaker 2: whole nother conversation for another day. Going back to the
Speaker 2: Ephesians for passage, when we learn how to tell the
Speaker 2: truth to our neighbor and to ourselves, when we're able
Speaker 2: to say, hey, is there something wrong with you? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: there is actually something wrong with me. Maybe you don't
Speaker 2: even have the words for it. Because I find that
Speaker 2: a lot of times, like when we don't know how
Speaker 2: to explain how we feel, we'll say things like I'm fine,
Speaker 2: or it's nothing, or don't worry about it. Let me
Speaker 2: tell you something. If your spouse says don't worry about it,
Speaker 2: you should.
Speaker 1: Be very worried. You should be very concerned.
Speaker 2: So instead of us saying things like that, what if
Speaker 2: we said, you know something is wrong with me, and
Speaker 2: I don't even know what you know? There is something
Speaker 2: wrong with me, and I don't even know why.
Speaker 1: I'm upset.
Speaker 2: Yes, what you're feeling is disconnection. You're not wrong about that,
Speaker 2: and I'm not really sure why. Like, what if we
Speaker 2: actually started telling each other the truth? What if we
Speaker 2: were mature enough to say how we really feel? Yes,
Speaker 2: I felt really hurt by that statement that you made.
Speaker 2: Now did you hear what I just said? There?
Speaker 1: Slipped it in real, real sly, but did you hear
Speaker 1: what I said? I felt?
Speaker 2: I talk about I statements all the time. I didn't
Speaker 2: say you you were rude.
Speaker 1: You were.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm mad because you were rude to me. No,
Speaker 2: that's a you statement. That's not helpful because that's gonna
Speaker 2: put your spouse on the defense. But if you're able
Speaker 2: to say something like, you know what, I felt hurt
Speaker 2: by what you said. I felt overlooked when you just
Speaker 2: made that decision and didn't even.
Speaker 1: Include me on it.
Speaker 2: What if we were able to say things like that,
Speaker 2: that's tew your neighbor the truth. And then when you
Speaker 2: have conflict, the anger now goes away, not that the
Speaker 2: conflict goes away. Please hear me on that. The conflict
Speaker 2: might not go away before the sun goes down. And
Speaker 2: that is okay. But at least the anger part. You're
Speaker 2: not seething. You're not laying in bed thinking about violent
Speaker 2: things that you can do to your spouse. Not that
Speaker 2: I've ever done that, but you're not over there like
Speaker 2: seething and mad and allowing. Right, because y'all know, if
Speaker 2: you've ever gotten to that point where you're just so mad,
Speaker 2: you know your brain, your mind has a whole world
Speaker 2: of its own, and you start going into like crazy town.
Speaker 2: We want to avoid that place. So there is a
Speaker 2: way to handle conflict and get the anger out of there,
Speaker 2: but still have to work on the solution. That's okay,
Speaker 2: And I really believe that if you give yourself some space,
Speaker 2: if you pause a little bit, on next week's episode,
Speaker 2: you're gonna hear from David Hashtrap. He actually has this
Speaker 2: whole acronym called calm CLM that helps you to talk
Speaker 2: yourself off the ledge when you're in conflicts. So be
Speaker 2: sure to come back next week for that episode. But
Speaker 2: when you're able to ask yourself some of these really
Speaker 2: important questions on the front end, what's going on with me?
Speaker 2: What am I really feeling right now? Those are just
Speaker 2: ask yourself those two questions to start, what's really going
Speaker 2: on with me? What do I really feel right now?
Speaker 1: Chances are they.
Speaker 2: Have nothing to do with your spouse. This is what
Speaker 2: I have experienced, and not only in my personal life,
Speaker 2: but couples that I've coached. It's usually not what you
Speaker 2: think you're upset about. Somebody else said something to you,
Speaker 2: or maybe again you were triggered by something in your childhood,
Speaker 2: or maybe you're just off that day a motionally. Sometimes y'all,
Speaker 2: we just have bad days. Some days you're just not yourself,
Speaker 2: and that's okay. That's why giving your spouse grace is
Speaker 2: so important. That was one of the conversations that Shawna
Speaker 2: and I had after this trip. I said, you know,
Speaker 2: we have got to learn how to give each other
Speaker 2: a little bit more grace. Shawn and I don't have
Speaker 2: a lot of conflicts, thank god, so when we do
Speaker 2: sometimes it's like we will make assumptions. And whenever you
Speaker 2: assume you're getting yourself into dangerous waters, don't assume, just ask,
Speaker 2: just ask, Hey, are you upset about something? Did I
Speaker 2: do something to offend you? Take the twenty four hours,
Speaker 2: let your spouse know we're going to come back to
Speaker 2: this conversation in twenty four hours, and then in that
Speaker 2: twenty four hours, do some work.
Speaker 1: Both of you.
Speaker 2: Ask yourselves those questions. You might not be talking to
Speaker 2: each other necessarily about that. Hopefully you're still talking. You mean,
Speaker 2: if you have children in like a house, you gotta
Speaker 2: have to like talk about things, but you might not
Speaker 2: necessarily need to talk about that for twenty four hours.
Speaker 2: After the twenty four hours, now you've had some time
Speaker 2: to kind of calm down, You've had some time to
Speaker 2: reassess the situation. Ask yourself those questions. Now you can
Speaker 2: come back to the conflict and hopefully come up with
Speaker 2: a better solution.
Speaker 1: So that's it.
Speaker 2: Super simple, not always easy, but I think the thing
Speaker 2: that I really want to encourage you all to do,
Speaker 2: and I'm encouraging myself to do this as well, is
Speaker 2: to just be really emotionally honest with yourself. Don't lie
Speaker 2: to yourself. Know your weaknesses. So tell me, kids, it's
Speaker 2: all the time. You got to know your weaknesses, man,
Speaker 2: know the areas where you struggle, know your tender spots.
Speaker 2: Be gentle with yourself. Understand yourself though, and be honest
Speaker 2: with your spouse when they ask you what's wrong. And
Speaker 2: if you don't know what's wrong, say something is wrong,
Speaker 2: but I'm just not sure what all right? So I
Speaker 2: want to hear from you guys. Let me know how
Speaker 2: the twenty four hour rule works for you. If you
Speaker 2: and your spouse do this, let me know. I'd love
Speaker 2: to hear from you. Can always email me at Danashay
Speaker 2: dot com forward slash contact. I would love to hear
Speaker 2: your thoughts. I would love to hear how this works
Speaker 2: for you. How do you handle anger? How do you
Speaker 2: handle conflict? Maybe you take forty eight hours. I don't
Speaker 2: know if there's a solution that you have. Of course, again,
Speaker 2: you can always send that information to me at danashay
Speaker 2: dot com Ford Slash Contact. And for those of you
Speaker 2: who need a little bit more help, I have an
Speaker 2: incredible course. I've talked about this course before on the podcast.
Speaker 2: It's called From Conflict to Connection. I would love to
Speaker 2: walk with you and walk you through some very practical
Speaker 2: steps of how to go from conflict in your relationship
Speaker 2: to genuine connection. You can find more about that course
Speaker 2: at danashay dot com Forward Slash Connection Course. Thanks so
Speaker 2: much for being with us on today's podcast. I hope
Speaker 2: to see you next week again. Show notes for the
Speaker 2: podcast are always over at danashay dot com Ford Slash Podcast.
Speaker 1: See you next time. Take care,