WEBVTT - I Need Space! How 24 Hours Changed Everything

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<v Speaker 1>Life Audio.

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<v Speaker 2>Hi there, it's Danache and welcome to the Rebuilding US

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<v Speaker 2>Marriage Podcast. One of the things that has helped us

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<v Speaker 2>is to pause and let time kind of help out. Now,

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<v Speaker 2>time does not solve anything. Time does not heal all wounds.

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<v Speaker 2>If you just sit there and don't handle a situation,

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<v Speaker 2>twenty four hours will turn into forty eight hours, will

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<v Speaker 2>turn into seventy two hours, will turn into a lifetime

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<v Speaker 2>of you just icing each other out. So what I

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<v Speaker 2>am not saying is just don't talk to each other

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<v Speaker 2>for twenty four hours. What I'm saying is, in that

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<v Speaker 2>twenty four hours, take some time to assess what is

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<v Speaker 2>going on with me. There are a lot of really

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<v Speaker 2>great things that happen in the twenty four hours that

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<v Speaker 2>really kind of marked the way that we handle conflict

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<v Speaker 2>from that day forward. Hey, hey, friends, it's staying to

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<v Speaker 2>sche and you're listening to the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>I am so grateful to be here with you guys today.

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<v Speaker 2>I have some tattle telling on myself that I need

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<v Speaker 2>to do in this episode, and I think that as

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<v Speaker 2>I share my weaknesses with you, you are going to

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<v Speaker 2>realize that you're not alone, that you are not the

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<v Speaker 2>only person who does not always handle conflict. Well, you

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<v Speaker 2>are not the only person who regrets sometimes the things

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<v Speaker 2>that you said, or maybe even the things that you

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<v Speaker 2>did not say. And so today we are having a

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<v Speaker 2>conversation about how to respond when you are angry, how

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<v Speaker 2>to respond in conflicts. Specifically, we talk a lot about

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<v Speaker 2>conflict on this podcast because hello, you're married, and if

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<v Speaker 2>you're married, you know that conflict signs up with you

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<v Speaker 2>at the altar. Now you don't know that you guys

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<v Speaker 2>love each other. You're staring in each other's eyes. You're thinking,

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<v Speaker 2>this is the best person that God ever created, and

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<v Speaker 2>I'm so excited to marry them, and then you realize

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<v Speaker 2>in about fifteen minutes you're gonna have a conflict. Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>probably because they smashed the wedding cake in your face

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<v Speaker 2>and you spent two hundred dollars on your makeup, and

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<v Speaker 2>why in the world did they think that that was

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<v Speaker 2>a good idea. I'm not sure what your conflict is

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<v Speaker 2>going to be, but just understand that all marriages have conflicts.

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<v Speaker 2>So depending on when you're listening to this episode, our

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<v Speaker 2>family just returned from an incredible vacation. We went to

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<v Speaker 2>Tokyo for a couple of weeks actually, and then we

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<v Speaker 2>went to Guam. So if y'all know my daughter, Kayla,

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<v Speaker 2>she is a officer in the Air Force. She's stationed

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<v Speaker 2>in Guam right now. And so we spent the first

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<v Speaker 2>part of that vacation in Tokyo, like I just said,

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<v Speaker 2>and then we went to Guam to kind of check

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<v Speaker 2>out her place. And let me tell y'all something, Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>We've been taking family vacations for many years. It's a

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<v Speaker 2>value of mine. I love to travel, I love vacationing.

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<v Speaker 2>It's something that I have wanted my children also to value,

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<v Speaker 2>and so we take them on these amazing trips. I know,

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<v Speaker 2>because we're fabulous parents, they're going to realize it one day.

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<v Speaker 2>But anyway, y'all, we're in Tokyo and me and Sean

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<v Speaker 2>are having a silent treatments situation. Okay, Like it's to

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<v Speaker 2>the point where we've learned how to be cordial. Like

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<v Speaker 2>Sean and I are not shouters, we're not yellers. We

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<v Speaker 2>don't argue back and forth, right, but we will ic

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<v Speaker 2>each other out. It's really not good. It's really not good.

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<v Speaker 2>So here we are on this fabulous vacation. I talk

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<v Speaker 2>about this. And if you guys are on my email list,

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<v Speaker 2>you've already heard this story. And side note, if you're

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<v Speaker 2>not on my email list, why not if you listen

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<v Speaker 2>to this podcast every week or maybe you're a new listener,

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<v Speaker 2>you can get weekly updates from me. I don't spam you,

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<v Speaker 2>I don't send you a whole bit of you know,

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<v Speaker 2>non non necessary as that a word, unnecessary information. But

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<v Speaker 2>you can get on my email list by simply going

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<v Speaker 2>to Danashay dot com forward slash email, and that's where

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<v Speaker 2>I really connect with you the most. We have a

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<v Speaker 2>fabulous time over on the email list. Lots of you

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<v Speaker 2>all respond back in your emails, and that's kind of

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<v Speaker 2>how the best way really that we can stay connected.

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<v Speaker 2>So anyway, if you're on an email list, you've already.

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<v Speaker 1>Heard this story.

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<v Speaker 2>So here we are on vacation and we're having this

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<v Speaker 2>massive disagreement. I don't even know what we were arguing about.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't even know like what the disagreement was about.

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<v Speaker 2>And that's the crazy thing about conflict, right, Like how

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<v Speaker 2>many times have you been in conflict with your spouse

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<v Speaker 2>and you don't even know why?

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<v Speaker 1>You're like, I don't even know who did what?

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<v Speaker 2>Who said what? I just know that we're upset with

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<v Speaker 2>each other. We're not talking, So here we are and

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<v Speaker 2>we're having this silent treatment. And so because I air

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<v Speaker 2>all of my dirty laundry, so the devil has nothing

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<v Speaker 2>on me. I decided that I was going to tell

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<v Speaker 2>my kids, Hey, you guys may have noticed that Dad

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<v Speaker 2>and I aren't really talking. And they were like, yep,

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<v Speaker 2>we noticed. You know how older kids, and even if

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<v Speaker 2>you have little kids, listen, don't think that your children

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<v Speaker 2>do not know when you and your spouse are not

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<v Speaker 2>getting along.

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<v Speaker 1>They know.

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<v Speaker 2>And so I just felt like, let's just get it

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<v Speaker 2>out there in the open. And thankfully, before the vacation

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<v Speaker 2>was over, Sean and I have reconciled. But it started

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<v Speaker 2>me thinking about how many people go through conflicts and

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<v Speaker 2>they become angry. Now you know that anger takes on

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<v Speaker 2>many different forms. Some people are seethers, right like, they

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<v Speaker 2>just seethe inside. They implode, is what happens. Because they

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<v Speaker 2>don't talk, They just kind of hold all of that

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<v Speaker 2>conflict in. They become very bitter, they become resentful. I

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<v Speaker 2>think that's actually more dangerous than the people who explode,

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<v Speaker 2>the people who shout or yell or you know, act

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<v Speaker 2>a fool. And the reason that I think that imploding

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<v Speaker 2>can be more damaging and more dangerous than exploding is

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<v Speaker 2>because at least when you explode, you get it out. Now,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not encouraging you to explode on your spouse. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>not saying that that's the right way to handle it.

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<v Speaker 2>We've got to learn how to address our anger and

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<v Speaker 2>specifically when it comes to our spouses in ways that

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<v Speaker 2>are healthy. So this podcast episode is going to be

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<v Speaker 2>really biblical. So if you are not a believer, if

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<v Speaker 2>you do not believe in the Word of God, then

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<v Speaker 2>I'm still going to encourage you to stay because I

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<v Speaker 2>think that you're going to hear something that's going to

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<v Speaker 2>hopefully help you to understand how you can use the

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<v Speaker 2>Word of God to help you in your conflicts. If

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<v Speaker 2>you are a believer, you may have already heard the

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<v Speaker 2>scripture and maybe you've even heard someone preach on it

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<v Speaker 2>or teach on it. Maybe you yourself have even quoted

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<v Speaker 2>the scripture, and you're not necessarily living the scripture. So

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<v Speaker 2>we're going to talk from the Book of Ephesians, and

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of times, y'all, when we quote scriptures like

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not going to accuse y'all of doing this, but

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<v Speaker 2>some people that I known, when they quote scriptures, they

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<v Speaker 2>quote it like wildly out of context, or they cherry pick.

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<v Speaker 2>They'll pick a scripture that it just says what they

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<v Speaker 2>want to say, and then they'll make a whole theology,

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<v Speaker 2>a whole doctrine, a whole argument based on that one scripture.

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<v Speaker 2>We're not doing that, Okay, We're going to take the

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<v Speaker 2>scripture in its context. So I'm going to be reading

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<v Speaker 2>out of the Book of Ephesians, which is in the

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<v Speaker 2>New Testament, chapter four, and I'm going to start. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>not going to read like the verse that everybody knows,

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<v Speaker 2>which is in your anger, do not sin, don't let

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<v Speaker 2>the sun go down on your anger. Maybe you've heard

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<v Speaker 2>that quoted, maybe you've said that. I'm going to read

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<v Speaker 2>a few verses before that. But before I read the scripture,

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<v Speaker 2>I gotta tell you this little corny joke. So I

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<v Speaker 2>came across this joke a few years ago, and it

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<v Speaker 2>said the Bible says, don't let the sign go down

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<v Speaker 2>on your anger.

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<v Speaker 1>So my husband and I had been up for two.

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<v Speaker 2>Weeks, ah wish, I had a like a you know,

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<v Speaker 2>a comedian drum roll there, But isn't that the truth?

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<v Speaker 1>Right?

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<v Speaker 2>Like we've heard like don't let the sun go down

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<v Speaker 2>on your anger? So what are we supposed to do? Like,

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<v Speaker 2>does that mean that you're supposed to settle every argument

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<v Speaker 2>within twenty four hours?

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<v Speaker 1>Is that even possible? Well, today I'm.

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<v Speaker 2>Going to be sharing with you why I believe that

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<v Speaker 2>pausing for twenty four hours can actually be very advantageous

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<v Speaker 2>for your marriage. All right, let's get into the scripture

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<v Speaker 2>and then I'll explain to you a little bit what

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<v Speaker 2>I'm mean. Okay, I'm gonna start reading Ephesians four.

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<v Speaker 1>Let's go.

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<v Speaker 2>Let's start at verse twenty two. Throw off your old

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<v Speaker 2>sinful nature and your former way of life.

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<v Speaker 1>What does that mean?

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<v Speaker 2>That means that before you became a Christian, there was

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<v Speaker 2>some stuff you used to do. There was there was

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<v Speaker 2>a way that you used to live, maybe a way

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<v Speaker 2>that you used to speak. Paul, who was the writer

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<v Speaker 2>of Ephesians the Apostle. Paul is saying, when you become

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<v Speaker 2>a believer, you gotta throw that stuff away, Like you

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<v Speaker 2>can't just keep acting the same way once you receive Christ. Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>so he says instead verse twenty three. Instead of acting

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<v Speaker 2>how you used to that basically verse twenty three. Instead,

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<v Speaker 2>let the spirit renew your thoughts and your attitudes. Put

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<v Speaker 2>on your new nature, created to be like God. Do

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<v Speaker 2>you know that as a Christian you are supposed to

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<v Speaker 2>be like God? You are supposed to reflect His image.

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<v Speaker 2>That means the way you act should be very similar

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<v Speaker 2>to the way that He acts. The way that you

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<v Speaker 2>talk should be very similar to the way that He talks.

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<v Speaker 2>So create it to be like God, truly, righteous and holy,

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<v Speaker 2>verse twenty five. So stop telling lies. Let us tell

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<v Speaker 2>our neighbors the truth. Who's your closest neighbor your spouse?

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<v Speaker 2>True right, if you're married, your closest neighbor is not

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<v Speaker 2>the person who lives next door to you. Your closest

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<v Speaker 2>neighbor is the person that you lay in bed with

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<v Speaker 2>your spouse. So don't think that this is just like

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<v Speaker 2>a kumbayah, a nice Christian advice for the world. No,

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<v Speaker 2>this is you and your household. Okay, stop telling lies.

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<v Speaker 2>Let us tell our neighbors the truth. Now you might

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<v Speaker 2>be thinking, well, I don't lie to my spouse. Really,

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<v Speaker 2>if your spouse says what's wrong and you're like nothing

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<v Speaker 2>and you know that you're seething inside. That would be

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<v Speaker 2>a lie, all right. So Paul goes on to say,

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<v Speaker 2>why for we are all parts of the same body

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<v Speaker 2>here we are verse twenty six, And don't send by

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<v Speaker 2>letting anger control you. Don't let the sun go down

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<v Speaker 2>while you are still angry. For anger gives a foothold

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<v Speaker 2>to the devil.

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<v Speaker 1>So all of.

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<v Speaker 2>These conjunctions are important. A lot of times read the

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<v Speaker 2>word and we stop before the hands. My best friend

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<v Speaker 2>and I we always talk about this where like you know,

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of people they read the Bible, they quote

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<v Speaker 2>the scripture and they stop before the andend. Well, we're

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<v Speaker 2>not gonna stop before the end or in this case,

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<v Speaker 2>before the four fo R. So Paul is saying, don't

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<v Speaker 2>let the sun go down while you're still angry. Why

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<v Speaker 2>for anger gives a foothold to the devil. What is

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<v Speaker 2>a foothole? That means that it gives the enemy the devil,

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<v Speaker 2>which we believe is real. Maybe you don't believe in satan,

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<v Speaker 2>you don't believe in the demonic, you don't believe in

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<v Speaker 2>spiritual warfare. You're mistaken, friend, There is a such thing

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<v Speaker 2>as spiritual warfare. There is a such thing as the enemy,

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<v Speaker 2>and he is all up in your house and he

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<v Speaker 2>is trying to cause division everywhere he goes. When you

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<v Speaker 2>allow anger to resonate in your life, in your marriage,

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<v Speaker 2>you give the enemy, the devil a way in a foothold.

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<v Speaker 2>I want you think about like if someone's holding a

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<v Speaker 2>door open and they're trying to close the door, and

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<v Speaker 2>you put your foot in it to keep the door

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<v Speaker 2>from closing. Well, that person now has access into your home.

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<v Speaker 2>That's what happens when we allow anger to control us,

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<v Speaker 2>and when we allow our marriages to continue in these

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<v Speaker 2>cycles of anger. Now, when the Bible says don't let

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<v Speaker 2>the sun go down while you are still angry, does

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<v Speaker 2>that literally mean that you have to solve every single

0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:53.120
<v Speaker 2>argument before you go to bed. I don't believe so.

0:11:53.720 --> 0:11:56.360
<v Speaker 2>And I'm going to tell you why after the break.

0:11:56.520 --> 0:11:59.040
<v Speaker 2>And I'm also going to tell you why. I believe

0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:04.440
<v Speaker 2>that some sometimes waiting, pausing for twenty four hours is

0:12:04.440 --> 0:12:06.120
<v Speaker 2>one of the best things that you can do for

0:12:06.240 --> 0:12:08.679
<v Speaker 2>conflict in your marriage. So we have to take a

0:12:08.760 --> 0:12:11.240
<v Speaker 2>quick break for a word from our sponsor. Don't go anywhere,

0:12:11.320 --> 0:12:21.160
<v Speaker 2>We'll be right back. One of the hardest things about

0:12:21.160 --> 0:12:24.720
<v Speaker 2>Resolving conflict is knowing where to start. This is why

0:12:24.720 --> 0:12:27.480
<v Speaker 2>a lot of people tend to avoid conflict. But that's

0:12:27.559 --> 0:12:30.760
<v Speaker 2>not you, because today I am giving you access to

0:12:30.800 --> 0:12:34.800
<v Speaker 2>my heart to heart conversation starters when facing conflict. These

0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:37.120
<v Speaker 2>three simple prompts are going to help you to be

0:12:37.160 --> 0:12:41.559
<v Speaker 2>able to start conversations more confidently with clarity.

0:12:41.200 --> 0:12:42.600
<v Speaker 1>In order to find common ground.

0:12:43.120 --> 0:12:46.320
<v Speaker 2>Grab your copy today at Danashay dot com Forward Slash

0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:51.120
<v Speaker 2>Conversation Starters. That's d A. N Ache dot com Forward

0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:59.760
<v Speaker 2>Slash Conversation Starters. Now back to our show. All right,

0:12:59.760 --> 0:13:02.559
<v Speaker 2>from we are back, So let's talk a little bit

0:13:02.600 --> 0:13:06.480
<v Speaker 2>about what this verse means. I just read to you Ephesians,

0:13:06.559 --> 0:13:10.320
<v Speaker 2>Chapter four, verse twenty six, and don't let and don't

0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:13.800
<v Speaker 2>sin by letting anger control you. Don't let the sign

0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:17.079
<v Speaker 2>go down while you are still angry, for anger gives

0:13:17.120 --> 0:13:20.360
<v Speaker 2>a foothold to the devil. Now, notice it does not

0:13:20.559 --> 0:13:23.720
<v Speaker 2>say do not let the sun go down while you

0:13:23.760 --> 0:13:28.160
<v Speaker 2>still have a conflict. There's a difference between having a

0:13:28.280 --> 0:13:32.959
<v Speaker 2>conflict or a disagreement or a misunderstanding and then being

0:13:33.080 --> 0:13:37.120
<v Speaker 2>controlled by anger. You may have heard me say this

0:13:37.200 --> 0:13:39.640
<v Speaker 2>on the podcast before. I've said it lots of times,

0:13:40.120 --> 0:13:45.679
<v Speaker 2>anger is always a secondary emotion, meaning when you get angry,

0:13:45.880 --> 0:13:50.360
<v Speaker 2>that's not the real emotion or the deeper emotion that

0:13:50.440 --> 0:13:55.400
<v Speaker 2>you're feeling. Anger is absolutely real, but what is anger protecting?

0:13:55.720 --> 0:13:59.040
<v Speaker 2>What is anger covering? What was the first thing that

0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:04.800
<v Speaker 2>you felt? This is where the real solutions and healing

0:14:05.120 --> 0:14:09.120
<v Speaker 2>come into play. So when I am mad at Sean,

0:14:09.240 --> 0:14:12.360
<v Speaker 2>which doesn't happen often because Sean's really easy going. I mean,

0:14:12.360 --> 0:14:15.000
<v Speaker 2>he really is very easy going. He does not get

0:14:15.040 --> 0:14:17.640
<v Speaker 2>angry a lot, like at all. As a matter of fact,

0:14:17.679 --> 0:14:21.600
<v Speaker 2>if he gets angry, something big has happened. So when

0:14:21.640 --> 0:14:25.640
<v Speaker 2>I get angry at him, I've trained myself to ask myself, Dana,

0:14:25.680 --> 0:14:27.280
<v Speaker 2>what is really going on with you?

0:14:27.440 --> 0:14:29.920
<v Speaker 1>Why are you angry? And you know what?

0:14:30.040 --> 0:14:35.000
<v Speaker 2>For me, it's usually I feel rejected, I feel disrespected,

0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:40.800
<v Speaker 2>I feel ignored, I feel unheard, I feel taken advantage

0:14:40.800 --> 0:14:44.760
<v Speaker 2>of right Like, those emotions are what I need to

0:14:44.800 --> 0:14:47.800
<v Speaker 2>be paying attention to. The anger is just to cover

0:14:48.280 --> 0:14:50.760
<v Speaker 2>because of my pride or because I don't want to

0:14:50.760 --> 0:14:54.000
<v Speaker 2>look weak, Like that's just just being real. Maybe your

0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:57.960
<v Speaker 2>anger operates differently, but for most people, we get angry

0:14:58.200 --> 0:15:01.240
<v Speaker 2>because we don't want to look weak it's socially acceptable

0:15:01.280 --> 0:15:03.760
<v Speaker 2>to be angry, especially if you're a man. If you're

0:15:03.760 --> 0:15:06.840
<v Speaker 2>a man, it is socially acceptable for you to get angry,

0:15:07.200 --> 0:15:10.640
<v Speaker 2>not always socially acceptable for you to cry, or for

0:15:10.760 --> 0:15:14.920
<v Speaker 2>you to feel embarrassed or shamed or weak. So what

0:15:15.120 --> 0:15:18.040
<v Speaker 2>happens is instead of us just being real with ourselves

0:15:18.120 --> 0:15:20.200
<v Speaker 2>or our spouses and saying, you know, I was really

0:15:20.280 --> 0:15:24.160
<v Speaker 2>hurt when you said that to me, I just lash

0:15:24.160 --> 0:15:28.360
<v Speaker 2>out in anger because it's easier. So this is what

0:15:28.400 --> 0:15:31.120
<v Speaker 2>I've trained myself to do. When I'm upset, I'm like, okay,

0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:34.040
<v Speaker 2>I'm like asking myself all these questions. I'm basically essentially

0:15:34.080 --> 0:15:36.920
<v Speaker 2>I'm coaching myself. I'm asking myself all these questions to

0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:39.320
<v Speaker 2>try to figure out what is really going on with me.

0:15:39.640 --> 0:15:42.960
<v Speaker 2>So when we're on this vacation, I ask myself one

0:15:43.040 --> 0:15:44.840
<v Speaker 2>night because I couldn't sleep, because I can never sleep

0:15:44.880 --> 0:15:46.960
<v Speaker 2>when me and Sean are at odds, and he can't.

0:15:46.760 --> 0:15:48.600
<v Speaker 1>Sleep either, so we're both just up right.

0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:51.120
<v Speaker 2>Instead of just talking about the situation, we're both just

0:15:51.240 --> 0:15:52.960
<v Speaker 2>up and you know how, you know that your spouse

0:15:53.040 --> 0:15:55.040
<v Speaker 2>is awake and they're trying to lay real still, so

0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:56.760
<v Speaker 2>you think they're sleep, but you know they're awake because

0:15:56.800 --> 0:15:59.040
<v Speaker 2>they haven't started that like deep breathing yet.

0:15:59.320 --> 0:16:01.360
<v Speaker 1>So here we are laying in the bed and I'm thinking,

0:16:02.000 --> 0:16:04.560
<v Speaker 1>why am I even upset? Like what is going on?

0:16:05.480 --> 0:16:08.760
<v Speaker 2>And as I'm starting to think about why I was upset,

0:16:08.840 --> 0:16:13.000
<v Speaker 2>I realized I felt unseen. Well that is a trigger

0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:15.440
<v Speaker 2>point for me. And I'm not going to spend time

0:16:15.480 --> 0:16:18.360
<v Speaker 2>going all into deep into my childhood and telling you

0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:20.960
<v Speaker 2>you know why I feel so triggered by this, But

0:16:21.200 --> 0:16:24.680
<v Speaker 2>I was triggered. I felt unseen on that trip. I

0:16:24.680 --> 0:16:27.640
<v Speaker 2>felt like all of my efforts were like worthless frags

0:16:27.920 --> 0:16:31.320
<v Speaker 2>and these people, these ungrateful people, and my family, you know,

0:16:31.400 --> 0:16:32.560
<v Speaker 2>like you know how we can go there?

0:16:32.640 --> 0:16:35.480
<v Speaker 1>Right, we can go off? And so I said, all right,

0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:41.080
<v Speaker 1>is that true? Because just because you feel.

0:16:40.840 --> 0:16:46.320
<v Speaker 2>Like it's true doesn't necessarily make it true. I might

0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:49.920
<v Speaker 2>feel rejected. I said this on last week's episode. It

0:16:50.000 --> 0:16:51.680
<v Speaker 2>was a sweet repeat, But I believe I said this

0:16:51.760 --> 0:16:55.280
<v Speaker 2>last week. Even though I might feel rejected does not

0:16:55.360 --> 0:16:59.960
<v Speaker 2>necessarily mean that I am being rejected. So when we

0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:04.200
<v Speaker 2>we are emotionally mature enough to be real with ourselves,

0:17:04.480 --> 0:17:07.000
<v Speaker 2>we can ask ourselves stuff like this, all right, Danny,

0:17:07.000 --> 0:17:07.800
<v Speaker 2>you feel unseen?

0:17:07.920 --> 0:17:09.360
<v Speaker 1>But is that the truth?

0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:13.400
<v Speaker 2>Is Sean's goal in life to make you feel unseen?

0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:15.880
<v Speaker 2>Is that what you feel like he's trying to do here?

0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:20.320
<v Speaker 2>And then when I started thinking about this logically, I'm like,

0:17:20.400 --> 0:17:24.920
<v Speaker 2>you know what, probably not, So what else is going

0:17:24.960 --> 0:17:27.320
<v Speaker 2>on here? Maybe I should ask the man, like, maybe

0:17:27.359 --> 0:17:30.360
<v Speaker 2>I should actually ask him? And like I said, y'all,

0:17:30.400 --> 0:17:32.880
<v Speaker 2>I don't even remember what happened to make me feel

0:17:32.920 --> 0:17:36.239
<v Speaker 2>this way, but maybe I should ask what's going on

0:17:36.320 --> 0:17:39.159
<v Speaker 2>with you? Do you feel is there something going on

0:17:39.240 --> 0:17:41.399
<v Speaker 2>with you and me? Like? Are you upsetting me about something?

0:17:41.520 --> 0:17:43.480
<v Speaker 2>There's lots of questions that I could have asked him,

0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:46.080
<v Speaker 2>but I didn't. I sat there and I stewed, and

0:17:46.119 --> 0:17:49.879
<v Speaker 2>I was silent. Now, in my case, I wouldn't necessarily

0:17:49.920 --> 0:17:52.800
<v Speaker 2>call it anger and this particular example. There have been

0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:56.320
<v Speaker 2>other examples where I have absolutely been angry. But one

0:17:56.359 --> 0:17:58.600
<v Speaker 2>of the things that Sean and I have done in

0:17:58.640 --> 0:18:01.720
<v Speaker 2>our marriage, and this was his idea. This was certainly

0:18:01.760 --> 0:18:05.440
<v Speaker 2>not a Daniche idea. One of the things that Sean

0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:08.919
<v Speaker 2>asked me years ago we were having And again, if

0:18:08.920 --> 0:18:11.040
<v Speaker 2>you guys have listened to the podcast for a long time,

0:18:11.119 --> 0:18:14.440
<v Speaker 2>some of you og listeners. I told this story back

0:18:14.480 --> 0:18:17.000
<v Speaker 2>in I think episode one hundred and seventeen or something

0:18:17.200 --> 0:18:19.800
<v Speaker 2>when I was talking about communication and conflict, which I

0:18:19.880 --> 0:18:23.320
<v Speaker 2>talk about a lot. But one time there was something

0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:25.840
<v Speaker 2>that Sean and I were at odds again or odds about,

0:18:25.880 --> 0:18:28.080
<v Speaker 2>and he asked me, He said, I want to have

0:18:28.119 --> 0:18:30.439
<v Speaker 2>them I want to have this conversation with you, but

0:18:30.880 --> 0:18:33.680
<v Speaker 2>I want you to wait twenty four hours before you respond.

0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:39.159
<v Speaker 2>And I was like, twenty four hours, Like that is

0:18:39.200 --> 0:18:42.879
<v Speaker 2>a long time to not respond to something. And my

0:18:43.119 --> 0:18:45.960
<v Speaker 2>initial inclination was no, I'm not gonna wait that long.

0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:47.840
<v Speaker 2>Let's just go ahead and deal with this conflict. Because

0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:50.000
<v Speaker 2>I don't like unresolved conflict. I hate it.

0:18:50.440 --> 0:18:50.879
<v Speaker 1>I liked it.

0:18:50.920 --> 0:18:52.680
<v Speaker 2>If there's conflict, I liked you just go ahead and

0:18:52.760 --> 0:18:54.560
<v Speaker 2>deal with it. Let's just get it over with, let's

0:18:54.640 --> 0:18:57.240
<v Speaker 2>just handle it. But in this case, he asked me

0:18:57.280 --> 0:18:59.560
<v Speaker 2>to wait twenty four hours. He never asked me that before,

0:18:59.600 --> 0:19:02.800
<v Speaker 2>and I was like, all right, all right, fine, let's

0:19:02.800 --> 0:19:06.000
<v Speaker 2>do it. So you know what happened in twenty four hours.

0:19:06.359 --> 0:19:06.800
<v Speaker 1>A lot.

0:19:07.880 --> 0:19:11.040
<v Speaker 2>I was able to think logically. I was able to

0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:14.480
<v Speaker 2>calm myself down from whatever it is, whatever it was

0:19:14.520 --> 0:19:16.800
<v Speaker 2>I was upset about. I was able to look at

0:19:16.800 --> 0:19:19.720
<v Speaker 2>his perspective. I was able to come up with a

0:19:19.760 --> 0:19:22.960
<v Speaker 2>different response than I would have had in the moment.

0:19:23.920 --> 0:19:25.879
<v Speaker 2>There are a lot of really great things that happen

0:19:26.320 --> 0:19:30.480
<v Speaker 2>in the twenty four hours that really kind of marked

0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:34.560
<v Speaker 2>the way that we handle conflict from that day forward. Now,

0:19:34.560 --> 0:19:37.320
<v Speaker 2>we don't always give each other twenty four hours. There

0:19:37.359 --> 0:19:39.600
<v Speaker 2>are times when we just need to deal with this thing, like,

0:19:39.720 --> 0:19:42.399
<v Speaker 2>let's just talk about it, let's just solve it if.

0:19:42.280 --> 0:19:46.120
<v Speaker 1>We can, let's move on. But many times we will.

0:19:45.960 --> 0:19:48.360
<v Speaker 2>Say, you know what, let's just pause here, let's take

0:19:48.359 --> 0:19:51.360
<v Speaker 2>a break, because a lot of times, especially if you're arguing.

0:19:51.440 --> 0:19:54.560
<v Speaker 2>Now again, Sean and I are not arguers. We're not

0:19:54.600 --> 0:19:57.199
<v Speaker 2>going to go back and forth and yell. That's just

0:19:57.240 --> 0:20:00.040
<v Speaker 2>not us, probably because I grew up that way. I

0:20:00.320 --> 0:20:02.480
<v Speaker 2>don't have time for that, okay, And that's just not

0:20:02.520 --> 0:20:05.359
<v Speaker 2>even Sean's disposition. He's just not gonna sit there and

0:20:05.440 --> 0:20:08.600
<v Speaker 2>argue with you. But one of the things that has

0:20:08.680 --> 0:20:13.399
<v Speaker 2>helped us is to pause and let time kind of

0:20:13.400 --> 0:20:17.120
<v Speaker 2>help out. Now, time does not solve anything. Time does

0:20:17.160 --> 0:20:19.800
<v Speaker 2>not heal all wounds. If you just sit there and

0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:23.040
<v Speaker 2>don't handle a situation, twenty four hours will turn into

0:20:23.080 --> 0:20:25.600
<v Speaker 2>forty eight hours, will turn into seventy two hours, will

0:20:25.640 --> 0:20:28.720
<v Speaker 2>turn into a lifetime of you just icing each other out.

0:20:28.840 --> 0:20:30.800
<v Speaker 2>So what I am not saying is just don't talk

0:20:30.840 --> 0:20:33.240
<v Speaker 2>to each other for twenty four hours. What I'm saying is,

0:20:33.320 --> 0:20:37.040
<v Speaker 2>in that twenty four hours, take some time to assess

0:20:37.359 --> 0:20:41.000
<v Speaker 2>what is going on with me? Could I be seeing

0:20:41.040 --> 0:20:45.440
<v Speaker 2>this from the wrong perspective. Do I need to ask

0:20:45.480 --> 0:20:48.199
<v Speaker 2>my spouse some follow up questions? Do I need to

0:20:48.240 --> 0:20:52.000
<v Speaker 2>ask myself some follow up questions? Why did this thing

0:20:52.040 --> 0:20:56.320
<v Speaker 2>bother me so bad? What about the situation is really

0:20:56.400 --> 0:21:00.800
<v Speaker 2>triggering me? And sometimes it's gonna take a lot of

0:21:00.840 --> 0:21:02.399
<v Speaker 2>time for you to be able to go through all

0:21:02.440 --> 0:21:04.840
<v Speaker 2>of those questions in order for you to be honest

0:21:04.880 --> 0:21:08.440
<v Speaker 2>with yourself. So what we have learned is that when

0:21:08.440 --> 0:21:11.000
<v Speaker 2>we take the time to do this, when we come

0:21:11.040 --> 0:21:13.280
<v Speaker 2>back to the conversation, which you need to give yourself

0:21:13.320 --> 0:21:16.600
<v Speaker 2>a time stamp. Like literally, if it's six o'clock and

0:21:16.680 --> 0:21:18.960
<v Speaker 2>you all are having a conflict and you tell each other, okay,

0:21:19.000 --> 0:21:21.359
<v Speaker 2>let's wait twenty four hours. Make sure that you say

0:21:21.400 --> 0:21:25.760
<v Speaker 2>tomorrow after dinner, or tomorrow before dinner, or tomorrow at

0:21:25.760 --> 0:21:28.560
<v Speaker 2>two o'clock or whenever it is, give yourself a time

0:21:28.560 --> 0:21:30.800
<v Speaker 2>stamp so that you can come back to the conversation,

0:21:31.359 --> 0:21:34.360
<v Speaker 2>because if you don't, what's going to happen, Well, it's

0:21:34.400 --> 0:21:35.960
<v Speaker 2>just easier just to not deal with it.

0:21:36.040 --> 0:21:37.800
<v Speaker 1>So we're just gonna put it off again.

0:21:38.640 --> 0:21:41.080
<v Speaker 2>And then you think that we'll just get over it,

0:21:41.119 --> 0:21:45.639
<v Speaker 2>but really you've gotten over nothing. You've just decided to

0:21:45.840 --> 0:21:50.240
<v Speaker 2>ignore the problem. And ignoring an issue never makes it

0:21:50.280 --> 0:21:54.400
<v Speaker 2>go away. That's how resentment builds up, because then what's

0:21:54.400 --> 0:21:57.320
<v Speaker 2>gonna happen. You're gonna have another conflict inevitably, and then

0:21:57.320 --> 0:21:59.520
<v Speaker 2>now that conflict is going to get piled onto the

0:21:59.560 --> 0:22:02.200
<v Speaker 2>conflict that you had unresolved, and then you're gonna have

0:22:02.200 --> 0:22:02.800
<v Speaker 2>another conflict.

0:22:02.800 --> 0:22:04.520
<v Speaker 1>And do you see how the cycle is?

0:22:04.560 --> 0:22:07.080
<v Speaker 2>And so this is where we get couples fifteen twenty

0:22:07.160 --> 0:22:09.960
<v Speaker 2>years in and they divorce because they're like, we just

0:22:10.040 --> 0:22:14.359
<v Speaker 2>grew apart. It wasn't that you just grew apart, it

0:22:14.440 --> 0:22:18.560
<v Speaker 2>was that you intentionally disconnected and stayed disconnected. That's a

0:22:18.560 --> 0:22:22.320
<v Speaker 2>whole nother conversation for another day. Going back to the

0:22:22.400 --> 0:22:27.439
<v Speaker 2>Ephesians for passage, when we learn how to tell the

0:22:27.560 --> 0:22:31.600
<v Speaker 2>truth to our neighbor and to ourselves, when we're able

0:22:31.640 --> 0:22:34.440
<v Speaker 2>to say, hey, is there something wrong with you? Yeah, yeah,

0:22:34.480 --> 0:22:36.680
<v Speaker 2>there is actually something wrong with me. Maybe you don't

0:22:36.720 --> 0:22:39.240
<v Speaker 2>even have the words for it. Because I find that

0:22:39.320 --> 0:22:40.960
<v Speaker 2>a lot of times, like when we don't know how

0:22:41.000 --> 0:22:44.679
<v Speaker 2>to explain how we feel, we'll say things like I'm fine,

0:22:45.160 --> 0:22:48.240
<v Speaker 2>or it's nothing, or don't worry about it. Let me

0:22:48.280 --> 0:22:50.359
<v Speaker 2>tell you something. If your spouse says don't worry about it,

0:22:50.400 --> 0:22:51.040
<v Speaker 2>you should.

0:22:50.800 --> 0:22:54.480
<v Speaker 1>Be very worried. You should be very concerned.

0:22:56.160 --> 0:22:59.840
<v Speaker 2>So instead of us saying things like that, what if

0:22:59.840 --> 0:23:02.879
<v Speaker 2>we said, you know something is wrong with me, and

0:23:02.960 --> 0:23:06.040
<v Speaker 2>I don't even know what you know? There is something

0:23:06.080 --> 0:23:07.680
<v Speaker 2>wrong with me, and I don't even know why.

0:23:07.680 --> 0:23:09.360
<v Speaker 1>I'm upset.

0:23:09.720 --> 0:23:13.160
<v Speaker 2>Yes, what you're feeling is disconnection. You're not wrong about that,

0:23:13.480 --> 0:23:16.439
<v Speaker 2>and I'm not really sure why. Like, what if we

0:23:16.480 --> 0:23:20.400
<v Speaker 2>actually started telling each other the truth? What if we

0:23:20.400 --> 0:23:23.800
<v Speaker 2>were mature enough to say how we really feel? Yes,

0:23:23.880 --> 0:23:27.440
<v Speaker 2>I felt really hurt by that statement that you made.

0:23:28.440 --> 0:23:29.679
<v Speaker 2>Now did you hear what I just said? There?

0:23:29.760 --> 0:23:32.480
<v Speaker 1>Slipped it in real, real sly, but did you hear

0:23:32.520 --> 0:23:33.800
<v Speaker 1>what I said? I felt?

0:23:33.960 --> 0:23:36.320
<v Speaker 2>I talk about I statements all the time. I didn't

0:23:36.359 --> 0:23:37.520
<v Speaker 2>say you you were rude.

0:23:38.000 --> 0:23:38.199
<v Speaker 1>You were.

0:23:38.280 --> 0:23:40.480
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I'm mad because you were rude to me. No,

0:23:41.080 --> 0:23:43.920
<v Speaker 2>that's a you statement. That's not helpful because that's gonna

0:23:43.920 --> 0:23:45.960
<v Speaker 2>put your spouse on the defense. But if you're able

0:23:46.040 --> 0:23:48.439
<v Speaker 2>to say something like, you know what, I felt hurt

0:23:49.359 --> 0:23:54.119
<v Speaker 2>by what you said. I felt overlooked when you just

0:23:54.160 --> 0:23:56.080
<v Speaker 2>made that decision and didn't even.

0:23:55.800 --> 0:23:56.800
<v Speaker 1>Include me on it.

0:23:57.960 --> 0:23:59.560
<v Speaker 2>What if we were able to say things like that,

0:23:59.560 --> 0:24:03.639
<v Speaker 2>that's tew your neighbor the truth. And then when you

0:24:03.760 --> 0:24:08.080
<v Speaker 2>have conflict, the anger now goes away, not that the

0:24:08.160 --> 0:24:11.480
<v Speaker 2>conflict goes away. Please hear me on that. The conflict

0:24:11.600 --> 0:24:14.959
<v Speaker 2>might not go away before the sun goes down. And

0:24:15.000 --> 0:24:19.520
<v Speaker 2>that is okay. But at least the anger part. You're

0:24:19.560 --> 0:24:23.399
<v Speaker 2>not seething. You're not laying in bed thinking about violent

0:24:23.480 --> 0:24:25.399
<v Speaker 2>things that you can do to your spouse. Not that

0:24:25.440 --> 0:24:28.879
<v Speaker 2>I've ever done that, but you're not over there like

0:24:29.280 --> 0:24:33.479
<v Speaker 2>seething and mad and allowing. Right, because y'all know, if

0:24:33.560 --> 0:24:36.680
<v Speaker 2>you've ever gotten to that point where you're just so mad,

0:24:36.760 --> 0:24:39.320
<v Speaker 2>you know your brain, your mind has a whole world

0:24:39.320 --> 0:24:42.920
<v Speaker 2>of its own, and you start going into like crazy town.

0:24:43.560 --> 0:24:47.439
<v Speaker 2>We want to avoid that place. So there is a

0:24:47.600 --> 0:24:52.680
<v Speaker 2>way to handle conflict and get the anger out of there,

0:24:53.240 --> 0:24:57.600
<v Speaker 2>but still have to work on the solution. That's okay,

0:24:57.640 --> 0:25:00.640
<v Speaker 2>And I really believe that if you give yourself some space,

0:25:00.760 --> 0:25:03.800
<v Speaker 2>if you pause a little bit, on next week's episode,

0:25:03.800 --> 0:25:07.959
<v Speaker 2>you're gonna hear from David Hashtrap. He actually has this

0:25:08.000 --> 0:25:12.560
<v Speaker 2>whole acronym called calm CLM that helps you to talk

0:25:12.640 --> 0:25:15.280
<v Speaker 2>yourself off the ledge when you're in conflicts. So be

0:25:15.280 --> 0:25:17.480
<v Speaker 2>sure to come back next week for that episode. But

0:25:17.560 --> 0:25:20.399
<v Speaker 2>when you're able to ask yourself some of these really

0:25:20.880 --> 0:25:24.600
<v Speaker 2>important questions on the front end, what's going on with me?

0:25:25.160 --> 0:25:28.119
<v Speaker 2>What am I really feeling right now? Those are just

0:25:28.160 --> 0:25:31.280
<v Speaker 2>ask yourself those two questions to start, what's really going

0:25:31.320 --> 0:25:34.960
<v Speaker 2>on with me? What do I really feel right now?

0:25:36.480 --> 0:25:37.560
<v Speaker 1>Chances are they.

0:25:37.440 --> 0:25:42.080
<v Speaker 2>Have nothing to do with your spouse. This is what

0:25:42.160 --> 0:25:44.680
<v Speaker 2>I have experienced, and not only in my personal life,

0:25:44.680 --> 0:25:47.840
<v Speaker 2>but couples that I've coached. It's usually not what you

0:25:47.960 --> 0:25:53.280
<v Speaker 2>think you're upset about. Somebody else said something to you,

0:25:53.560 --> 0:25:57.159
<v Speaker 2>or maybe again you were triggered by something in your childhood,

0:25:57.440 --> 0:26:01.080
<v Speaker 2>or maybe you're just off that day a motionally. Sometimes y'all,

0:26:01.119 --> 0:26:03.919
<v Speaker 2>we just have bad days. Some days you're just not yourself,

0:26:04.160 --> 0:26:07.159
<v Speaker 2>and that's okay. That's why giving your spouse grace is

0:26:07.160 --> 0:26:10.960
<v Speaker 2>so important. That was one of the conversations that Shawna

0:26:10.960 --> 0:26:13.000
<v Speaker 2>and I had after this trip. I said, you know,

0:26:13.400 --> 0:26:15.040
<v Speaker 2>we have got to learn how to give each other

0:26:15.040 --> 0:26:17.080
<v Speaker 2>a little bit more grace. Shawn and I don't have

0:26:17.160 --> 0:26:20.000
<v Speaker 2>a lot of conflicts, thank god, so when we do

0:26:20.640 --> 0:26:25.520
<v Speaker 2>sometimes it's like we will make assumptions. And whenever you

0:26:25.600 --> 0:26:30.800
<v Speaker 2>assume you're getting yourself into dangerous waters, don't assume, just ask,

0:26:31.480 --> 0:26:35.639
<v Speaker 2>just ask, Hey, are you upset about something? Did I

0:26:35.720 --> 0:26:41.680
<v Speaker 2>do something to offend you? Take the twenty four hours,

0:26:42.200 --> 0:26:44.040
<v Speaker 2>let your spouse know we're going to come back to

0:26:44.119 --> 0:26:46.959
<v Speaker 2>this conversation in twenty four hours, and then in that

0:26:47.040 --> 0:26:48.879
<v Speaker 2>twenty four hours, do some work.

0:26:49.040 --> 0:26:49.640
<v Speaker 1>Both of you.

0:26:50.480 --> 0:26:53.639
<v Speaker 2>Ask yourselves those questions. You might not be talking to

0:26:53.680 --> 0:26:57.960
<v Speaker 2>each other necessarily about that. Hopefully you're still talking. You mean,

0:26:58.080 --> 0:27:00.520
<v Speaker 2>if you have children in like a house, you gotta

0:27:00.560 --> 0:27:03.399
<v Speaker 2>have to like talk about things, but you might not

0:27:03.440 --> 0:27:06.359
<v Speaker 2>necessarily need to talk about that for twenty four hours.

0:27:06.560 --> 0:27:08.520
<v Speaker 2>After the twenty four hours, now you've had some time

0:27:08.560 --> 0:27:10.560
<v Speaker 2>to kind of calm down, You've had some time to

0:27:10.600 --> 0:27:14.000
<v Speaker 2>reassess the situation. Ask yourself those questions. Now you can

0:27:14.040 --> 0:27:17.360
<v Speaker 2>come back to the conflict and hopefully come up with

0:27:17.440 --> 0:27:18.240
<v Speaker 2>a better solution.

0:27:19.240 --> 0:27:19.880
<v Speaker 1>So that's it.

0:27:19.960 --> 0:27:23.120
<v Speaker 2>Super simple, not always easy, but I think the thing

0:27:23.119 --> 0:27:24.800
<v Speaker 2>that I really want to encourage you all to do,

0:27:24.840 --> 0:27:26.840
<v Speaker 2>and I'm encouraging myself to do this as well, is

0:27:26.880 --> 0:27:31.480
<v Speaker 2>to just be really emotionally honest with yourself. Don't lie

0:27:31.520 --> 0:27:33.959
<v Speaker 2>to yourself. Know your weaknesses. So tell me, kids, it's

0:27:34.000 --> 0:27:35.840
<v Speaker 2>all the time. You got to know your weaknesses, man,

0:27:36.800 --> 0:27:40.880
<v Speaker 2>know the areas where you struggle, know your tender spots.

0:27:41.080 --> 0:27:44.680
<v Speaker 2>Be gentle with yourself. Understand yourself though, and be honest

0:27:45.080 --> 0:27:47.960
<v Speaker 2>with your spouse when they ask you what's wrong. And

0:27:48.040 --> 0:27:51.200
<v Speaker 2>if you don't know what's wrong, say something is wrong,

0:27:51.240 --> 0:27:53.320
<v Speaker 2>but I'm just not sure what all right? So I

0:27:53.320 --> 0:27:54.800
<v Speaker 2>want to hear from you guys. Let me know how

0:27:54.800 --> 0:27:57.560
<v Speaker 2>the twenty four hour rule works for you. If you

0:27:57.600 --> 0:28:00.880
<v Speaker 2>and your spouse do this, let me know. I'd love

0:28:00.920 --> 0:28:04.080
<v Speaker 2>to hear from you. Can always email me at Danashay

0:28:04.119 --> 0:28:06.880
<v Speaker 2>dot com forward slash contact. I would love to hear

0:28:06.960 --> 0:28:09.440
<v Speaker 2>your thoughts. I would love to hear how this works

0:28:09.480 --> 0:28:11.240
<v Speaker 2>for you. How do you handle anger? How do you

0:28:11.280 --> 0:28:14.520
<v Speaker 2>handle conflict? Maybe you take forty eight hours. I don't

0:28:14.520 --> 0:28:16.960
<v Speaker 2>know if there's a solution that you have. Of course, again,

0:28:17.000 --> 0:28:19.280
<v Speaker 2>you can always send that information to me at danashay

0:28:19.320 --> 0:28:22.040
<v Speaker 2>dot com Ford Slash Contact. And for those of you

0:28:22.520 --> 0:28:25.399
<v Speaker 2>who need a little bit more help, I have an

0:28:25.440 --> 0:28:28.480
<v Speaker 2>incredible course. I've talked about this course before on the podcast.

0:28:28.720 --> 0:28:31.639
<v Speaker 2>It's called From Conflict to Connection. I would love to

0:28:31.800 --> 0:28:35.639
<v Speaker 2>walk with you and walk you through some very practical

0:28:35.680 --> 0:28:38.280
<v Speaker 2>steps of how to go from conflict in your relationship

0:28:38.560 --> 0:28:41.760
<v Speaker 2>to genuine connection. You can find more about that course

0:28:41.800 --> 0:28:46.040
<v Speaker 2>at danashay dot com Forward Slash Connection Course. Thanks so

0:28:46.080 --> 0:28:48.560
<v Speaker 2>much for being with us on today's podcast. I hope

0:28:48.600 --> 0:28:50.840
<v Speaker 2>to see you next week again. Show notes for the

0:28:50.840 --> 0:28:54.520
<v Speaker 2>podcast are always over at danashay dot com Ford Slash Podcast.

0:28:54.640 --> 0:28:55.880
<v Speaker 1>See you next time. Take care,