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Speaker 1: Life Audio.

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Speaker 2: Hi there, it's Danache and welcome to the Rebuilding US

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Speaker 2: Marriage Podcast. One of the things that has helped us

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Speaker 2: is to pause and let time kind of help out. Now,

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Speaker 2: time does not solve anything. Time does not heal all wounds.

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Speaker 2: If you just sit there and don't handle a situation,

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Speaker 2: twenty four hours will turn into forty eight hours, will

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Speaker 2: turn into seventy two hours, will turn into a lifetime

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Speaker 2: of you just icing each other out. So what I

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Speaker 2: am not saying is just don't talk to each other

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Speaker 2: for twenty four hours. What I'm saying is, in that

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Speaker 2: twenty four hours, take some time to assess what is

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Speaker 2: going on with me. There are a lot of really

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Speaker 2: great things that happen in the twenty four hours that

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Speaker 2: really kind of marked the way that we handle conflict

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Speaker 2: from that day forward. Hey, hey, friends, it's staying to

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Speaker 2: sche and you're listening to the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast.

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Speaker 2: I am so grateful to be here with you guys today.

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Speaker 2: I have some tattle telling on myself that I need

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Speaker 2: to do in this episode, and I think that as

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Speaker 2: I share my weaknesses with you, you are going to

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Speaker 2: realize that you're not alone, that you are not the

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Speaker 2: only person who does not always handle conflict. Well, you

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Speaker 2: are not the only person who regrets sometimes the things

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Speaker 2: that you said, or maybe even the things that you

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Speaker 2: did not say. And so today we are having a

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Speaker 2: conversation about how to respond when you are angry, how

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Speaker 2: to respond in conflicts. Specifically, we talk a lot about

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Speaker 2: conflict on this podcast because hello, you're married, and if

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Speaker 2: you're married, you know that conflict signs up with you

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Speaker 2: at the altar. Now you don't know that you guys

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Speaker 2: love each other. You're staring in each other's eyes. You're thinking,

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Speaker 2: this is the best person that God ever created, and

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Speaker 2: I'm so excited to marry them, and then you realize

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Speaker 2: in about fifteen minutes you're gonna have a conflict. Okay,

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Speaker 2: probably because they smashed the wedding cake in your face

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Speaker 2: and you spent two hundred dollars on your makeup, and

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Speaker 2: why in the world did they think that that was

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Speaker 2: a good idea. I'm not sure what your conflict is

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Speaker 2: going to be, but just understand that all marriages have conflicts.

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Speaker 2: So depending on when you're listening to this episode, our

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Speaker 2: family just returned from an incredible vacation. We went to

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Speaker 2: Tokyo for a couple of weeks actually, and then we

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Speaker 2: went to Guam. So if y'all know my daughter, Kayla,

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Speaker 2: she is a officer in the Air Force. She's stationed

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Speaker 2: in Guam right now. And so we spent the first

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Speaker 2: part of that vacation in Tokyo, like I just said,

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Speaker 2: and then we went to Guam to kind of check

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Speaker 2: out her place. And let me tell y'all something, Okay,

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Speaker 2: We've been taking family vacations for many years. It's a

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Speaker 2: value of mine. I love to travel, I love vacationing.

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Speaker 2: It's something that I have wanted my children also to value,

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Speaker 2: and so we take them on these amazing trips. I know,

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Speaker 2: because we're fabulous parents, they're going to realize it one day.

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Speaker 2: But anyway, y'all, we're in Tokyo and me and Sean

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Speaker 2: are having a silent treatments situation. Okay, Like it's to

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Speaker 2: the point where we've learned how to be cordial. Like

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Speaker 2: Sean and I are not shouters, we're not yellers. We

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Speaker 2: don't argue back and forth, right, but we will ic

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Speaker 2: each other out. It's really not good. It's really not good.

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Speaker 2: So here we are on this fabulous vacation. I talk

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Speaker 2: about this. And if you guys are on my email list,

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Speaker 2: you've already heard this story. And side note, if you're

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Speaker 2: not on my email list, why not if you listen

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Speaker 2: to this podcast every week or maybe you're a new listener,

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Speaker 2: you can get weekly updates from me. I don't spam you,

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Speaker 2: I don't send you a whole bit of you know,

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Speaker 2: non non necessary as that a word, unnecessary information. But

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Speaker 2: you can get on my email list by simply going

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Speaker 2: to Danashay dot com forward slash email, and that's where

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Speaker 2: I really connect with you the most. We have a

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Speaker 2: fabulous time over on the email list. Lots of you

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Speaker 2: all respond back in your emails, and that's kind of

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Speaker 2: how the best way really that we can stay connected.

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Speaker 2: So anyway, if you're on an email list, you've already.

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Speaker 1: Heard this story.

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Speaker 2: So here we are on vacation and we're having this

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Speaker 2: massive disagreement. I don't even know what we were arguing about.

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Speaker 2: I don't even know like what the disagreement was about.

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Speaker 2: And that's the crazy thing about conflict, right, Like how

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Speaker 2: many times have you been in conflict with your spouse

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Speaker 2: and you don't even know why?

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Speaker 1: You're like, I don't even know who did what?

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Speaker 2: Who said what? I just know that we're upset with

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Speaker 2: each other. We're not talking, So here we are and

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Speaker 2: we're having this silent treatment. And so because I air

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Speaker 2: all of my dirty laundry, so the devil has nothing

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Speaker 2: on me. I decided that I was going to tell

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Speaker 2: my kids, Hey, you guys may have noticed that Dad

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Speaker 2: and I aren't really talking. And they were like, yep,

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Speaker 2: we noticed. You know how older kids, and even if

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Speaker 2: you have little kids, listen, don't think that your children

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Speaker 2: do not know when you and your spouse are not

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Speaker 2: getting along.

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Speaker 1: They know.

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Speaker 2: And so I just felt like, let's just get it

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Speaker 2: out there in the open. And thankfully, before the vacation

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Speaker 2: was over, Sean and I have reconciled. But it started

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Speaker 2: me thinking about how many people go through conflicts and

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Speaker 2: they become angry. Now you know that anger takes on

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Speaker 2: many different forms. Some people are seethers, right like, they

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Speaker 2: just seethe inside. They implode, is what happens. Because they

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Speaker 2: don't talk, They just kind of hold all of that

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Speaker 2: conflict in. They become very bitter, they become resentful. I

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Speaker 2: think that's actually more dangerous than the people who explode,

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Speaker 2: the people who shout or yell or you know, act

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Speaker 2: a fool. And the reason that I think that imploding

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Speaker 2: can be more damaging and more dangerous than exploding is

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Speaker 2: because at least when you explode, you get it out. Now,

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Speaker 2: I'm not encouraging you to explode on your spouse. I'm

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Speaker 2: not saying that that's the right way to handle it.

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Speaker 2: We've got to learn how to address our anger and

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Speaker 2: specifically when it comes to our spouses in ways that

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Speaker 2: are healthy. So this podcast episode is going to be

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Speaker 2: really biblical. So if you are not a believer, if

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Speaker 2: you do not believe in the Word of God, then

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Speaker 2: I'm still going to encourage you to stay because I

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Speaker 2: think that you're going to hear something that's going to

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Speaker 2: hopefully help you to understand how you can use the

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Speaker 2: Word of God to help you in your conflicts. If

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Speaker 2: you are a believer, you may have already heard the

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Speaker 2: scripture and maybe you've even heard someone preach on it

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Speaker 2: or teach on it. Maybe you yourself have even quoted

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Speaker 2: the scripture, and you're not necessarily living the scripture. So

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Speaker 2: we're going to talk from the Book of Ephesians, and

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Speaker 2: a lot of times, y'all, when we quote scriptures like

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to accuse y'all of doing this, but

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Speaker 2: some people that I known, when they quote scriptures, they

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Speaker 2: quote it like wildly out of context, or they cherry pick.

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Speaker 2: They'll pick a scripture that it just says what they

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Speaker 2: want to say, and then they'll make a whole theology,

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Speaker 2: a whole doctrine, a whole argument based on that one scripture.

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Speaker 2: We're not doing that, Okay, We're going to take the

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Speaker 2: scripture in its context. So I'm going to be reading

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Speaker 2: out of the Book of Ephesians, which is in the

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Speaker 2: New Testament, chapter four, and I'm going to start. I'm

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Speaker 2: not going to read like the verse that everybody knows,

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Speaker 2: which is in your anger, do not sin, don't let

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Speaker 2: the sun go down on your anger. Maybe you've heard

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Speaker 2: that quoted, maybe you've said that. I'm going to read

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Speaker 2: a few verses before that. But before I read the scripture,

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Speaker 2: I gotta tell you this little corny joke. So I

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Speaker 2: came across this joke a few years ago, and it

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Speaker 2: said the Bible says, don't let the sign go down

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Speaker 2: on your anger.

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Speaker 1: So my husband and I had been up for two.

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Speaker 2: Weeks, ah wish, I had a like a you know,

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Speaker 2: a comedian drum roll there, But isn't that the truth?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 2: Like we've heard like don't let the sun go down

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Speaker 2: on your anger? So what are we supposed to do? Like,

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Speaker 2: does that mean that you're supposed to settle every argument

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Speaker 2: within twenty four hours?

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Speaker 1: Is that even possible? Well, today I'm.

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Speaker 2: Going to be sharing with you why I believe that

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Speaker 2: pausing for twenty four hours can actually be very advantageous

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Speaker 2: for your marriage. All right, let's get into the scripture

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Speaker 2: and then I'll explain to you a little bit what

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Speaker 2: I'm mean. Okay, I'm gonna start reading Ephesians four.

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Speaker 1: Let's go.

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Speaker 2: Let's start at verse twenty two. Throw off your old

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Speaker 2: sinful nature and your former way of life.

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Speaker 1: What does that mean?

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Speaker 2: That means that before you became a Christian, there was

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Speaker 2: some stuff you used to do. There was there was

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Speaker 2: a way that you used to live, maybe a way

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Speaker 2: that you used to speak. Paul, who was the writer

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Speaker 2: of Ephesians the Apostle. Paul is saying, when you become

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Speaker 2: a believer, you gotta throw that stuff away, Like you

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Speaker 2: can't just keep acting the same way once you receive Christ. Okay,

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Speaker 2: so he says instead verse twenty three. Instead of acting

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Speaker 2: how you used to that basically verse twenty three. Instead,

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Speaker 2: let the spirit renew your thoughts and your attitudes. Put

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Speaker 2: on your new nature, created to be like God. Do

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Speaker 2: you know that as a Christian you are supposed to

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Speaker 2: be like God? You are supposed to reflect His image.

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Speaker 2: That means the way you act should be very similar

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Speaker 2: to the way that He acts. The way that you

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Speaker 2: talk should be very similar to the way that He talks.

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Speaker 2: So create it to be like God, truly, righteous and holy,

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Speaker 2: verse twenty five. So stop telling lies. Let us tell

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Speaker 2: our neighbors the truth. Who's your closest neighbor your spouse?

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Speaker 2: True right, if you're married, your closest neighbor is not

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Speaker 2: the person who lives next door to you. Your closest

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Speaker 2: neighbor is the person that you lay in bed with

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Speaker 2: your spouse. So don't think that this is just like

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Speaker 2: a kumbayah, a nice Christian advice for the world. No,

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Speaker 2: this is you and your household. Okay, stop telling lies.

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Speaker 2: Let us tell our neighbors the truth. Now you might

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Speaker 2: be thinking, well, I don't lie to my spouse. Really,

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Speaker 2: if your spouse says what's wrong and you're like nothing

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Speaker 2: and you know that you're seething inside. That would be

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Speaker 2: a lie, all right. So Paul goes on to say,

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Speaker 2: why for we are all parts of the same body

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Speaker 2: here we are verse twenty six, And don't send by

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Speaker 2: letting anger control you. Don't let the sun go down

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Speaker 2: while you are still angry. For anger gives a foothold

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Speaker 2: to the devil.

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Speaker 1: So all of.

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Speaker 2: These conjunctions are important. A lot of times read the

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Speaker 2: word and we stop before the hands. My best friend

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Speaker 2: and I we always talk about this where like you know,

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Speaker 2: a lot of people they read the Bible, they quote

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Speaker 2: the scripture and they stop before the andend. Well, we're

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Speaker 2: not gonna stop before the end or in this case,

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Speaker 2: before the four fo R. So Paul is saying, don't

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Speaker 2: let the sun go down while you're still angry. Why

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Speaker 2: for anger gives a foothold to the devil. What is

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Speaker 2: a foothole? That means that it gives the enemy the devil,

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Speaker 2: which we believe is real. Maybe you don't believe in satan,

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Speaker 2: you don't believe in the demonic, you don't believe in

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Speaker 2: spiritual warfare. You're mistaken, friend, There is a such thing

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Speaker 2: as spiritual warfare. There is a such thing as the enemy,

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Speaker 2: and he is all up in your house and he

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Speaker 2: is trying to cause division everywhere he goes. When you

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Speaker 2: allow anger to resonate in your life, in your marriage,

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Speaker 2: you give the enemy, the devil a way in a foothold.

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Speaker 2: I want you think about like if someone's holding a

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Speaker 2: door open and they're trying to close the door, and

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Speaker 2: you put your foot in it to keep the door

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Speaker 2: from closing. Well, that person now has access into your home.

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Speaker 2: That's what happens when we allow anger to control us,

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Speaker 2: and when we allow our marriages to continue in these

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Speaker 2: cycles of anger. Now, when the Bible says don't let

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Speaker 2: the sun go down while you are still angry, does

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Speaker 2: that literally mean that you have to solve every single

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Speaker 2: argument before you go to bed. I don't believe so.

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Speaker 2: And I'm going to tell you why after the break.

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Speaker 2: And I'm also going to tell you why. I believe

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Speaker 2: that some sometimes waiting, pausing for twenty four hours is

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Speaker 2: one of the best things that you can do for

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Speaker 2: conflict in your marriage. So we have to take a

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Speaker 2: quick break for a word from our sponsor. Don't go anywhere,

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Speaker 2: We'll be right back. One of the hardest things about

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Speaker 2: Resolving conflict is knowing where to start. This is why

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Speaker 2: a lot of people tend to avoid conflict. But that's

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Speaker 2: not you, because today I am giving you access to

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Speaker 2: my heart to heart conversation starters when facing conflict. These

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Speaker 2: three simple prompts are going to help you to be

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Speaker 2: able to start conversations more confidently with clarity.

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Speaker 1: In order to find common ground.

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Speaker 2: Grab your copy today at Danashay dot com Forward Slash

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Speaker 2: Conversation Starters. That's d A. N Ache dot com Forward

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Speaker 2: Slash Conversation Starters. Now back to our show. All right,

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Speaker 2: from we are back, So let's talk a little bit

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Speaker 2: about what this verse means. I just read to you Ephesians,

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Speaker 2: Chapter four, verse twenty six, and don't let and don't

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Speaker 2: sin by letting anger control you. Don't let the sign

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Speaker 2: go down while you are still angry, for anger gives

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Speaker 2: a foothold to the devil. Now, notice it does not

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Speaker 2: say do not let the sun go down while you

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Speaker 2: still have a conflict. There's a difference between having a

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Speaker 2: conflict or a disagreement or a misunderstanding and then being

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Speaker 2: controlled by anger. You may have heard me say this

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Speaker 2: on the podcast before. I've said it lots of times,

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Speaker 2: anger is always a secondary emotion, meaning when you get angry,

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Speaker 2: that's not the real emotion or the deeper emotion that

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Speaker 2: you're feeling. Anger is absolutely real, but what is anger protecting?

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Speaker 2: What is anger covering? What was the first thing that

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Speaker 2: you felt? This is where the real solutions and healing

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Speaker 2: come into play. So when I am mad at Sean,

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Speaker 2: which doesn't happen often because Sean's really easy going. I mean,

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Speaker 2: he really is very easy going. He does not get

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Speaker 2: angry a lot, like at all. As a matter of fact,

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Speaker 2: if he gets angry, something big has happened. So when

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Speaker 2: I get angry at him, I've trained myself to ask myself, Dana,

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Speaker 2: what is really going on with you?

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Speaker 1: Why are you angry? And you know what?

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Speaker 2: For me, it's usually I feel rejected, I feel disrespected,

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Speaker 2: I feel ignored, I feel unheard, I feel taken advantage

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Speaker 2: of right Like, those emotions are what I need to

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Speaker 2: be paying attention to. The anger is just to cover

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Speaker 2: because of my pride or because I don't want to

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Speaker 2: look weak, Like that's just just being real. Maybe your

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Speaker 2: anger operates differently, but for most people, we get angry

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Speaker 2: because we don't want to look weak it's socially acceptable

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Speaker 2: to be angry, especially if you're a man. If you're

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Speaker 2: a man, it is socially acceptable for you to get angry,

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Speaker 2: not always socially acceptable for you to cry, or for

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Speaker 2: you to feel embarrassed or shamed or weak. So what

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Speaker 2: happens is instead of us just being real with ourselves

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Speaker 2: or our spouses and saying, you know, I was really

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Speaker 2: hurt when you said that to me, I just lash

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Speaker 2: out in anger because it's easier. So this is what

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Speaker 2: I've trained myself to do. When I'm upset, I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 2: I'm like asking myself all these questions. I'm basically essentially

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Speaker 2: I'm coaching myself. I'm asking myself all these questions to

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Speaker 2: try to figure out what is really going on with me.

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Speaker 2: So when we're on this vacation, I ask myself one

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Speaker 2: night because I couldn't sleep, because I can never sleep

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Speaker 2: when me and Sean are at odds, and he can't.

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Speaker 1: Sleep either, so we're both just up right.

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Speaker 2: Instead of just talking about the situation, we're both just

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Speaker 2: up and you know how, you know that your spouse

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Speaker 2: is awake and they're trying to lay real still, so

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Speaker 2: you think they're sleep, but you know they're awake because

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Speaker 2: they haven't started that like deep breathing yet.

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Speaker 1: So here we are laying in the bed and I'm thinking,

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Speaker 1: why am I even upset? Like what is going on?

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Speaker 2: And as I'm starting to think about why I was upset,

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Speaker 2: I realized I felt unseen. Well that is a trigger

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Speaker 2: point for me. And I'm not going to spend time

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Speaker 2: going all into deep into my childhood and telling you

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Speaker 2: you know why I feel so triggered by this, But

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Speaker 2: I was triggered. I felt unseen on that trip. I

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Speaker 2: felt like all of my efforts were like worthless frags

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Speaker 2: and these people, these ungrateful people, and my family, you know,

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Speaker 2: like you know how we can go there?

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Speaker 1: Right, we can go off? And so I said, all right,

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Speaker 1: is that true? Because just because you feel.

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Speaker 2: Like it's true doesn't necessarily make it true. I might

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Speaker 2: feel rejected. I said this on last week's episode. It

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Speaker 2: was a sweet repeat, But I believe I said this

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Speaker 2: last week. Even though I might feel rejected does not

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Speaker 2: necessarily mean that I am being rejected. So when we

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Speaker 2: we are emotionally mature enough to be real with ourselves,

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Speaker 2: we can ask ourselves stuff like this, all right, Danny,

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Speaker 2: you feel unseen?

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Speaker 1: But is that the truth?

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Speaker 2: Is Sean's goal in life to make you feel unseen?

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Speaker 2: Is that what you feel like he's trying to do here?

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Speaker 2: And then when I started thinking about this logically, I'm like,

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Speaker 2: you know what, probably not, So what else is going

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Speaker 2: on here? Maybe I should ask the man, like, maybe

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Speaker 2: I should actually ask him? And like I said, y'all,

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Speaker 2: I don't even remember what happened to make me feel

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Speaker 2: this way, but maybe I should ask what's going on

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Speaker 2: with you? Do you feel is there something going on

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Speaker 2: with you and me? Like? Are you upsetting me about something?

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Speaker 2: There's lots of questions that I could have asked him,

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Speaker 2: but I didn't. I sat there and I stewed, and

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Speaker 2: I was silent. Now, in my case, I wouldn't necessarily

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Speaker 2: call it anger and this particular example. There have been

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Speaker 2: other examples where I have absolutely been angry. But one

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Speaker 2: of the things that Sean and I have done in

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Speaker 2: our marriage, and this was his idea. This was certainly

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Speaker 2: not a Daniche idea. One of the things that Sean

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Speaker 2: asked me years ago we were having And again, if

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Speaker 2: you guys have listened to the podcast for a long time,

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Speaker 2: some of you og listeners. I told this story back

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Speaker 2: in I think episode one hundred and seventeen or something

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Speaker 2: when I was talking about communication and conflict, which I

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Speaker 2: talk about a lot. But one time there was something

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Speaker 2: that Sean and I were at odds again or odds about,

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Speaker 2: and he asked me, He said, I want to have

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Speaker 2: them I want to have this conversation with you, but

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Speaker 2: I want you to wait twenty four hours before you respond.

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Speaker 2: And I was like, twenty four hours, Like that is

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Speaker 2: a long time to not respond to something. And my

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Speaker 2: initial inclination was no, I'm not gonna wait that long.

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Speaker 2: Let's just go ahead and deal with this conflict. Because

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Speaker 2: I don't like unresolved conflict. I hate it.

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Speaker 1: I liked it.

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Speaker 2: If there's conflict, I liked you just go ahead and

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Speaker 2: deal with it. Let's just get it over with, let's

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Speaker 2: just handle it. But in this case, he asked me

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Speaker 2: to wait twenty four hours. He never asked me that before,

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Speaker 2: and I was like, all right, all right, fine, let's

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Speaker 2: do it. So you know what happened in twenty four hours.

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Speaker 1: A lot.

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Speaker 2: I was able to think logically. I was able to

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Speaker 2: calm myself down from whatever it is, whatever it was

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Speaker 2: I was upset about. I was able to look at

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Speaker 2: his perspective. I was able to come up with a

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Speaker 2: different response than I would have had in the moment.

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Speaker 2: There are a lot of really great things that happen

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Speaker 2: in the twenty four hours that really kind of marked

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Speaker 2: the way that we handle conflict from that day forward. Now,

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Speaker 2: we don't always give each other twenty four hours. There

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Speaker 2: are times when we just need to deal with this thing, like,

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Speaker 2: let's just talk about it, let's just solve it if.

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Speaker 1: We can, let's move on. But many times we will.

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Speaker 2: Say, you know what, let's just pause here, let's take

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Speaker 2: a break, because a lot of times, especially if you're arguing.

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Speaker 2: Now again, Sean and I are not arguers. We're not

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Speaker 2: going to go back and forth and yell. That's just

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Speaker 2: not us, probably because I grew up that way. I

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Speaker 2: don't have time for that, okay, And that's just not

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Speaker 2: even Sean's disposition. He's just not gonna sit there and

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Speaker 2: argue with you. But one of the things that has

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Speaker 2: helped us is to pause and let time kind of

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Speaker 2: help out. Now, time does not solve anything. Time does

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Speaker 2: not heal all wounds. If you just sit there and

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Speaker 2: don't handle a situation, twenty four hours will turn into

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Speaker 2: forty eight hours, will turn into seventy two hours, will

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Speaker 2: turn into a lifetime of you just icing each other out.

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Speaker 2: So what I am not saying is just don't talk

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Speaker 2: to each other for twenty four hours. What I'm saying is,

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Speaker 2: in that twenty four hours, take some time to assess

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Speaker 2: what is going on with me? Could I be seeing

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Speaker 2: this from the wrong perspective. Do I need to ask

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Speaker 2: my spouse some follow up questions? Do I need to

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Speaker 2: ask myself some follow up questions? Why did this thing

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Speaker 2: bother me so bad? What about the situation is really

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Speaker 2: triggering me? And sometimes it's gonna take a lot of

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Speaker 2: time for you to be able to go through all

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Speaker 2: of those questions in order for you to be honest

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Speaker 2: with yourself. So what we have learned is that when

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Speaker 2: we take the time to do this, when we come

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Speaker 2: back to the conversation, which you need to give yourself

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Speaker 2: a time stamp. Like literally, if it's six o'clock and

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Speaker 2: you all are having a conflict and you tell each other, okay,

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Speaker 2: let's wait twenty four hours. Make sure that you say

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Speaker 2: tomorrow after dinner, or tomorrow before dinner, or tomorrow at

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Speaker 2: two o'clock or whenever it is, give yourself a time

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Speaker 2: stamp so that you can come back to the conversation,

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Speaker 2: because if you don't, what's going to happen, Well, it's

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Speaker 2: just easier just to not deal with it.

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Speaker 1: So we're just gonna put it off again.

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Speaker 2: And then you think that we'll just get over it,

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Speaker 2: but really you've gotten over nothing. You've just decided to

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Speaker 2: ignore the problem. And ignoring an issue never makes it

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Speaker 2: go away. That's how resentment builds up, because then what's

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Speaker 2: gonna happen. You're gonna have another conflict inevitably, and then

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Speaker 2: now that conflict is going to get piled onto the

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Speaker 2: conflict that you had unresolved, and then you're gonna have

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Speaker 2: another conflict.

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Speaker 1: And do you see how the cycle is?

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Speaker 2: And so this is where we get couples fifteen twenty

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Speaker 2: years in and they divorce because they're like, we just

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Speaker 2: grew apart. It wasn't that you just grew apart, it

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Speaker 2: was that you intentionally disconnected and stayed disconnected. That's a

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Speaker 2: whole nother conversation for another day. Going back to the

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Speaker 2: Ephesians for passage, when we learn how to tell the

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Speaker 2: truth to our neighbor and to ourselves, when we're able

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Speaker 2: to say, hey, is there something wrong with you? Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 2: there is actually something wrong with me. Maybe you don't

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Speaker 2: even have the words for it. Because I find that

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Speaker 2: a lot of times, like when we don't know how

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Speaker 2: to explain how we feel, we'll say things like I'm fine,

431
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,240
Speaker 2: or it's nothing, or don't worry about it. Let me

432
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,359
Speaker 2: tell you something. If your spouse says don't worry about it,

433
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:51,040
Speaker 2: you should.

434
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:54,480
Speaker 1: Be very worried. You should be very concerned.

435
00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:59,840
Speaker 2: So instead of us saying things like that, what if

436
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:02,879
Speaker 2: we said, you know something is wrong with me, and

437
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:06,040
Speaker 2: I don't even know what you know? There is something

438
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:07,680
Speaker 2: wrong with me, and I don't even know why.

439
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:09,360
Speaker 1: I'm upset.

440
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,160
Speaker 2: Yes, what you're feeling is disconnection. You're not wrong about that,

441
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,439
Speaker 2: and I'm not really sure why. Like, what if we

442
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:20,400
Speaker 2: actually started telling each other the truth? What if we

443
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,800
Speaker 2: were mature enough to say how we really feel? Yes,

444
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:27,440
Speaker 2: I felt really hurt by that statement that you made.

445
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:29,679
Speaker 2: Now did you hear what I just said? There?

446
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,480
Speaker 1: Slipped it in real, real sly, but did you hear

447
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:33,800
Speaker 1: what I said? I felt?

448
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,320
Speaker 2: I talk about I statements all the time. I didn't

449
00:23:36,359 --> 00:23:37,520
Speaker 2: say you you were rude.

450
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:38,199
Speaker 1: You were.

451
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm mad because you were rude to me. No,

452
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,920
Speaker 2: that's a you statement. That's not helpful because that's gonna

453
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,960
Speaker 2: put your spouse on the defense. But if you're able

454
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,439
Speaker 2: to say something like, you know what, I felt hurt

455
00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:54,119
Speaker 2: by what you said. I felt overlooked when you just

456
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,080
Speaker 2: made that decision and didn't even.

457
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:56,800
Speaker 1: Include me on it.

458
00:23:57,960 --> 00:23:59,560
Speaker 2: What if we were able to say things like that,

459
00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:03,639
Speaker 2: that's tew your neighbor the truth. And then when you

460
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:08,080
Speaker 2: have conflict, the anger now goes away, not that the

461
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:11,480
Speaker 2: conflict goes away. Please hear me on that. The conflict

462
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,959
Speaker 2: might not go away before the sun goes down. And

463
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:19,520
Speaker 2: that is okay. But at least the anger part. You're

464
00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:23,399
Speaker 2: not seething. You're not laying in bed thinking about violent

465
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,399
Speaker 2: things that you can do to your spouse. Not that

466
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:28,879
Speaker 2: I've ever done that, but you're not over there like

467
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:33,479
Speaker 2: seething and mad and allowing. Right, because y'all know, if

468
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:36,680
Speaker 2: you've ever gotten to that point where you're just so mad,

469
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:39,320
Speaker 2: you know your brain, your mind has a whole world

470
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,920
Speaker 2: of its own, and you start going into like crazy town.

471
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:47,439
Speaker 2: We want to avoid that place. So there is a

472
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:52,680
Speaker 2: way to handle conflict and get the anger out of there,

473
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:57,600
Speaker 2: but still have to work on the solution. That's okay,

474
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,640
Speaker 2: And I really believe that if you give yourself some space,

475
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,800
Speaker 2: if you pause a little bit, on next week's episode,

476
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:07,959
Speaker 2: you're gonna hear from David Hashtrap. He actually has this

477
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:12,560
Speaker 2: whole acronym called calm CLM that helps you to talk

478
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,280
Speaker 2: yourself off the ledge when you're in conflicts. So be

479
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,480
Speaker 2: sure to come back next week for that episode. But

480
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:20,399
Speaker 2: when you're able to ask yourself some of these really

481
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:24,600
Speaker 2: important questions on the front end, what's going on with me?

482
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,119
Speaker 2: What am I really feeling right now? Those are just

483
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:31,280
Speaker 2: ask yourself those two questions to start, what's really going

484
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:34,960
Speaker 2: on with me? What do I really feel right now?

485
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:37,560
Speaker 1: Chances are they.

486
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:42,080
Speaker 2: Have nothing to do with your spouse. This is what

487
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,680
Speaker 2: I have experienced, and not only in my personal life,

488
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,840
Speaker 2: but couples that I've coached. It's usually not what you

489
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:53,280
Speaker 2: think you're upset about. Somebody else said something to you,

490
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:57,159
Speaker 2: or maybe again you were triggered by something in your childhood,

491
00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:01,080
Speaker 2: or maybe you're just off that day a motionally. Sometimes y'all,

492
00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:03,919
Speaker 2: we just have bad days. Some days you're just not yourself,

493
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:07,159
Speaker 2: and that's okay. That's why giving your spouse grace is

494
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:10,960
Speaker 2: so important. That was one of the conversations that Shawna

495
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,000
Speaker 2: and I had after this trip. I said, you know,

496
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,040
Speaker 2: we have got to learn how to give each other

497
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,080
Speaker 2: a little bit more grace. Shawn and I don't have

498
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:20,000
Speaker 2: a lot of conflicts, thank god, so when we do

499
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:25,520
Speaker 2: sometimes it's like we will make assumptions. And whenever you

500
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:30,800
Speaker 2: assume you're getting yourself into dangerous waters, don't assume, just ask,

501
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:35,639
Speaker 2: just ask, Hey, are you upset about something? Did I

502
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:41,680
Speaker 2: do something to offend you? Take the twenty four hours,

503
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,040
Speaker 2: let your spouse know we're going to come back to

504
00:26:44,119 --> 00:26:46,959
Speaker 2: this conversation in twenty four hours, and then in that

505
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,879
Speaker 2: twenty four hours, do some work.

506
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:49,640
Speaker 1: Both of you.

507
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:53,639
Speaker 2: Ask yourselves those questions. You might not be talking to

508
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,960
Speaker 2: each other necessarily about that. Hopefully you're still talking. You mean,

509
00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,520
Speaker 2: if you have children in like a house, you gotta

510
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,399
Speaker 2: have to like talk about things, but you might not

511
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:06,359
Speaker 2: necessarily need to talk about that for twenty four hours.

512
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:08,520
Speaker 2: After the twenty four hours, now you've had some time

513
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,560
Speaker 2: to kind of calm down, You've had some time to

514
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:14,000
Speaker 2: reassess the situation. Ask yourself those questions. Now you can

515
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:17,360
Speaker 2: come back to the conflict and hopefully come up with

516
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:18,240
Speaker 2: a better solution.

517
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:19,880
Speaker 1: So that's it.

518
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:23,120
Speaker 2: Super simple, not always easy, but I think the thing

519
00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:24,800
Speaker 2: that I really want to encourage you all to do,

520
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:26,840
Speaker 2: and I'm encouraging myself to do this as well, is

521
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:31,480
Speaker 2: to just be really emotionally honest with yourself. Don't lie

522
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:33,959
Speaker 2: to yourself. Know your weaknesses. So tell me, kids, it's

523
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:35,840
Speaker 2: all the time. You got to know your weaknesses, man,

524
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,880
Speaker 2: know the areas where you struggle, know your tender spots.

525
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:44,680
Speaker 2: Be gentle with yourself. Understand yourself though, and be honest

526
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,960
Speaker 2: with your spouse when they ask you what's wrong. And

527
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:51,200
Speaker 2: if you don't know what's wrong, say something is wrong,

528
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,320
Speaker 2: but I'm just not sure what all right? So I

529
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:54,800
Speaker 2: want to hear from you guys. Let me know how

530
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,560
Speaker 2: the twenty four hour rule works for you. If you

531
00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:00,880
Speaker 2: and your spouse do this, let me know. I'd love

532
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:04,080
Speaker 2: to hear from you. Can always email me at Danashay

533
00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:06,880
Speaker 2: dot com forward slash contact. I would love to hear

534
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,440
Speaker 2: your thoughts. I would love to hear how this works

535
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,240
Speaker 2: for you. How do you handle anger? How do you

536
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,520
Speaker 2: handle conflict? Maybe you take forty eight hours. I don't

537
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:16,960
Speaker 2: know if there's a solution that you have. Of course, again,

538
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,280
Speaker 2: you can always send that information to me at danashay

539
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,040
Speaker 2: dot com Ford Slash Contact. And for those of you

540
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:25,399
Speaker 2: who need a little bit more help, I have an

541
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,480
Speaker 2: incredible course. I've talked about this course before on the podcast.

542
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,639
Speaker 2: It's called From Conflict to Connection. I would love to

543
00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:35,639
Speaker 2: walk with you and walk you through some very practical

544
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:38,280
Speaker 2: steps of how to go from conflict in your relationship

545
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:41,760
Speaker 2: to genuine connection. You can find more about that course

546
00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:46,040
Speaker 2: at danashay dot com Forward Slash Connection Course. Thanks so

547
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 2: much for being with us on today's podcast. I hope

548
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:50,840
Speaker 2: to see you next week again. Show notes for the

549
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:54,520
Speaker 2: podcast are always over at danashay dot com Ford Slash Podcast.

550
00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 1: See you next time. Take care,