WEBVTT - Navigating the Open Windows of Communication - Episode 36

0:00:03.360 --> 0:00:09.240
<v Speaker 1>Life Audio. Welcome to I Wish You could Hear This,

0:00:09.640 --> 0:00:13.480
<v Speaker 1>where we explore great stories and simple, proven steps to

0:00:13.520 --> 0:00:16.600
<v Speaker 1>help you thrive in life, faith, and relationships.

0:00:16.640 --> 0:00:21.560
<v Speaker 2>In our research, we've heard hundreds of Hopefield strategies for marriage, parenting, leadership,

0:00:21.600 --> 0:00:24.919
<v Speaker 2>and life that are grounded in science and consistent with

0:00:25.000 --> 0:00:27.560
<v Speaker 2>biblical truth, and now you can hear them too.

0:00:28.840 --> 0:00:30.400
<v Speaker 1>I'm Shaunty Felton.

0:00:30.080 --> 0:00:31.040
<v Speaker 2>And I'm Jeff Felton.

0:00:31.400 --> 0:00:35.440
<v Speaker 1>Men, have you ever felt frustrated when something is bugging

0:00:35.479 --> 0:00:39.000
<v Speaker 1>your wife or your girlfriend, like maybe she's worried that

0:00:39.120 --> 0:00:41.280
<v Speaker 1>a friend is upset with her and she keeps bringing

0:00:41.280 --> 0:00:44.600
<v Speaker 1>it up and seems, in your thoughts to unable to

0:00:44.680 --> 0:00:47.400
<v Speaker 1>let it go. Well, there is a reason for that,

0:00:47.680 --> 0:00:52.000
<v Speaker 1>and it is related to her brainwiring. And in this episode,

0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:55.000
<v Speaker 1>we're going to show you how understanding your wife or

0:00:55.040 --> 0:00:57.920
<v Speaker 1>your girlfriend in this way can give you the opportunity

0:00:58.360 --> 0:01:01.600
<v Speaker 1>to go from being kind of fresh to being an

0:01:01.840 --> 0:01:06.920
<v Speaker 1>absolute hero in her eyes and women, this episode, I

0:01:06.959 --> 0:01:10.000
<v Speaker 1>hope will also unlock for you what he might not

0:01:10.160 --> 0:01:12.320
<v Speaker 1>understand and show you, guys, how to get on the

0:01:12.360 --> 0:01:13.000
<v Speaker 1>same page.

0:01:13.640 --> 0:01:15.920
<v Speaker 2>So I'm excited to talk about this topic. You know,

0:01:15.959 --> 0:01:18.440
<v Speaker 2>when we were first doing a lot of our research

0:01:18.480 --> 0:01:21.319
<v Speaker 2>for the book that was became four Men Only Helping

0:01:21.319 --> 0:01:26.360
<v Speaker 2>Men Understand Women. This particular topic felt like a little

0:01:26.360 --> 0:01:27.959
<v Speaker 2>bit of a secondary topic to me.

0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:31.200
<v Speaker 1>Kind of Yeah, like we thought, you know, it's not

0:01:31.640 --> 0:01:34.800
<v Speaker 1>quite as important. It's interesting, but it's not quite as right.

0:01:35.160 --> 0:01:37.120
<v Speaker 2>I guess we were kind of wrong. You were very wrong,

0:01:37.640 --> 0:01:40.960
<v Speaker 2>because at our events, men and women both will come

0:01:41.040 --> 0:01:44.440
<v Speaker 2>up and go, wow, that really made sense to me.

0:01:44.600 --> 0:01:47.280
<v Speaker 2>That really opened up my eyes to a number of

0:01:47.280 --> 0:01:49.600
<v Speaker 2>things about what my spouse was thinking.

0:01:49.760 --> 0:01:53.200
<v Speaker 1>Well, I didn't even realize as a woman, the things

0:01:53.200 --> 0:01:55.120
<v Speaker 1>that were sort of going on in my head. This

0:01:55.320 --> 0:01:57.960
<v Speaker 1>was very liberating in a lot of ways.

0:01:58.560 --> 0:02:01.080
<v Speaker 2>Because we live in our own heads. We don't know

0:02:01.120 --> 0:02:04.240
<v Speaker 2>what other people, what is natural for other people, So

0:02:04.400 --> 0:02:06.000
<v Speaker 2>why don't we give an illustration.

0:02:06.120 --> 0:02:09.440
<v Speaker 1>I was just going to say, tell them the word picture. Yeah.

0:02:09.480 --> 0:02:13.160
<v Speaker 2>So, if we think of our brains as being a

0:02:13.360 --> 0:02:16.840
<v Speaker 2>computer desktop, think of your computer desktop. When we're talking

0:02:16.840 --> 0:02:23.760
<v Speaker 2>about how men process through thoughts, feelings, emotions. Correct most men,

0:02:24.480 --> 0:02:27.959
<v Speaker 2>it's as if on our computer we have one window open.

0:02:27.800 --> 0:02:29.880
<v Speaker 1>At a time, one thought.

0:02:31.080 --> 0:02:33.440
<v Speaker 2>We work on it. We work on it, do whatever

0:02:33.600 --> 0:02:36.079
<v Speaker 2>is necessary to get it to the point where we

0:02:36.200 --> 0:02:39.520
<v Speaker 2>feel like the task has been completed, the thought is finished,

0:02:40.120 --> 0:02:42.760
<v Speaker 2>we click the X make it go away, and then

0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:47.360
<v Speaker 2>open up the next feeling, thought, emotion, et cetera, and

0:02:47.400 --> 0:02:50.280
<v Speaker 2>we work through that one. And it's very sequential. But

0:02:50.720 --> 0:02:54.400
<v Speaker 2>for us guys, we'd say very efficient in doing things

0:02:54.440 --> 0:02:58.640
<v Speaker 2>that way. Now, our wives, their brains operate a little

0:02:58.680 --> 0:03:03.720
<v Speaker 2>differently then than us guys. So their desktop, it's as

0:03:03.760 --> 0:03:07.960
<v Speaker 2>if when it comes to thoughts, feelings, emotions, they've got

0:03:08.080 --> 0:03:11.919
<v Speaker 2>ten windows open at the same time, and they are

0:03:12.120 --> 0:03:17.120
<v Speaker 2>toggling between all ten seemingly twenty at the same Yeah,

0:03:18.040 --> 0:03:19.200
<v Speaker 2>at the same time.

0:03:19.360 --> 0:03:22.600
<v Speaker 1>Right, Yes, lots of thoughts, lots of feelings swirling in

0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:23.160
<v Speaker 1>our minds.

0:03:23.360 --> 0:03:27.160
<v Speaker 2>And then it's almost like, I don't know how else

0:03:27.200 --> 0:03:29.440
<v Speaker 2>to say it, but it's almost like their desktop has

0:03:29.440 --> 0:03:33.760
<v Speaker 2>been infected with a sort of virus because another window

0:03:33.960 --> 0:03:37.440
<v Speaker 2>pops up on that desktop that they don't want.

0:03:37.280 --> 0:03:40.200
<v Speaker 1>There, worry about what's going on with the kids.

0:03:39.960 --> 0:03:43.640
<v Speaker 2>Correct or whatever, and so they click the X to

0:03:43.720 --> 0:03:47.520
<v Speaker 2>make it go away, and it does, and then it

0:03:47.560 --> 0:03:50.120
<v Speaker 2>pops right back up, and they click the X to

0:03:50.160 --> 0:03:52.720
<v Speaker 2>make it go away and it pops back up. Yep,

0:03:52.840 --> 0:03:55.080
<v Speaker 2>So what's going on here?

0:03:55.400 --> 0:04:00.480
<v Speaker 1>With that. So here is the thing for you guys

0:04:00.520 --> 0:04:03.680
<v Speaker 1>to be aware, for the men to know is that

0:04:04.200 --> 0:04:06.600
<v Speaker 1>And I'm assuming you're talking about like what's going on

0:04:06.680 --> 0:04:07.440
<v Speaker 1>with the brain wiring?

0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:08.560
<v Speaker 2>Correct, Is that what you're asking?

0:04:08.600 --> 0:04:12.760
<v Speaker 1>Okay, So, because here's the thing. Now, obviously we say

0:04:12.880 --> 0:04:15.280
<v Speaker 1>a lot of times there's exceptions to this, this is

0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:18.240
<v Speaker 1>this is very much in general the male brain and

0:04:18.279 --> 0:04:21.280
<v Speaker 1>the female brain. And I can talk a little bit

0:04:21.320 --> 0:04:24.160
<v Speaker 1>more later if you want about I actually have interviewed

0:04:24.200 --> 0:04:27.680
<v Speaker 1>some neuroscientists about this whole thing to try to make

0:04:27.720 --> 0:04:31.840
<v Speaker 1>sure that we're being accurate. But basically, what's going on

0:04:32.160 --> 0:04:37.560
<v Speaker 1>is that the male brain is literally wired differently in

0:04:38.200 --> 0:04:42.520
<v Speaker 1>most cases than the female brain. Literally, if you look

0:04:42.720 --> 0:04:45.720
<v Speaker 1>at some of the different scans that are done, some

0:04:45.880 --> 0:04:48.320
<v Speaker 1>neuroscientists are like, it's almost like you're looking at the

0:04:48.320 --> 0:04:51.960
<v Speaker 1>brains of two different species. Like they're that the wiring

0:04:52.000 --> 0:04:55.279
<v Speaker 1>and the connections is literally that different, and there is

0:04:55.400 --> 0:04:58.719
<v Speaker 1>a reason for this different way of processing thoughts and

0:04:58.760 --> 0:05:03.160
<v Speaker 1>worries and emotions and all that because for men, well,

0:05:03.240 --> 0:05:06.880
<v Speaker 1>let me say for women, women have tons of connections

0:05:06.920 --> 0:05:12.120
<v Speaker 1>between the hemispheres of the brain, So inter hemisphere connections

0:05:12.160 --> 0:05:15.520
<v Speaker 1>going back and forth and back and forth, and lots

0:05:15.520 --> 0:05:19.160
<v Speaker 1>of connections just in general and the verbal centers and

0:05:19.240 --> 0:05:22.520
<v Speaker 1>just there's a lot of a lot going on that

0:05:22.800 --> 0:05:28.360
<v Speaker 1>basically allows a lot of fast, kind of surface level processing.

0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:32.480
<v Speaker 1>And it's all very open window ish, right like, So

0:05:32.880 --> 0:05:37.080
<v Speaker 1>ten windows open at a time is not overwhelming, No,

0:05:37.279 --> 0:05:40.200
<v Speaker 1>it's well, it can't it can be, but that's what

0:05:40.240 --> 0:05:43.080
<v Speaker 1>our brains are designed for. Men's brain because there's a

0:05:43.120 --> 0:05:48.520
<v Speaker 1>lot of processing capacity. Men's brains are literally when you

0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:53.000
<v Speaker 1>talk about being compartmentalized that that's not just a pop

0:05:53.040 --> 0:05:57.440
<v Speaker 1>culture reference, although it is. There's actually some physics behind that,

0:05:58.200 --> 0:06:01.840
<v Speaker 1>some physiology. We're in the male brain. There are more

0:06:02.000 --> 0:06:07.120
<v Speaker 1>modular connections within each hemisphere of the brain and not

0:06:07.240 --> 0:06:12.080
<v Speaker 1>as many connections between the hemispheres of the brain, and

0:06:12.080 --> 0:06:15.599
<v Speaker 1>there's a different structure to it's called the corpus closim

0:06:15.640 --> 0:06:18.000
<v Speaker 1>which is kind of a super highway between the hemispheres.

0:06:18.040 --> 0:06:23.280
<v Speaker 1>There's basically some differences that basically make it easier and

0:06:23.440 --> 0:06:27.760
<v Speaker 1>more natural for a man to think about one thing

0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:32.160
<v Speaker 1>deeply at a time and work on that very deeply,

0:06:32.600 --> 0:06:35.400
<v Speaker 1>and then you're done with that and then move on

0:06:35.440 --> 0:06:39.880
<v Speaker 1>to the next thing. And so there's actually physiological reasons

0:06:40.320 --> 0:06:43.719
<v Speaker 1>for what we see when men and women have this

0:06:43.839 --> 0:06:47.640
<v Speaker 1>different ways of processing these worries or these emotions that

0:06:47.960 --> 0:06:49.360
<v Speaker 1>especially the ones they don't want there.

0:06:49.800 --> 0:06:52.719
<v Speaker 2>You know, it's so interesting when I think about the

0:06:53.320 --> 0:06:56.400
<v Speaker 2>clicking the X and making the window go away. Yeah,

0:06:56.640 --> 0:06:58.560
<v Speaker 2>I think about some of the times in the events

0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:02.520
<v Speaker 2>where I've shared how you and I perhaps have had

0:07:02.600 --> 0:07:08.000
<v Speaker 2>a disagreement over coffee in the morning, and I then

0:07:08.120 --> 0:07:10.920
<v Speaker 2>realize and the disagreement hasn't.

0:07:10.600 --> 0:07:12.600
<v Speaker 1>Been results, and it's and it's a very emotional.

0:07:14.280 --> 0:07:16.560
<v Speaker 2>And then I realize I've got a client meeting that

0:07:16.600 --> 0:07:19.520
<v Speaker 2>I have to get to, so I excuse myself and

0:07:19.560 --> 0:07:23.680
<v Speaker 2>I get in my car as I'm driving down, you know,

0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:26.520
<v Speaker 2>out of our neighborhood, and this is what I always

0:07:26.560 --> 0:07:29.520
<v Speaker 2>ask the guys in the audience, I say, what happens

0:07:29.560 --> 0:07:32.200
<v Speaker 2>to that thought? As I drive away from our house

0:07:32.800 --> 0:07:34.320
<v Speaker 2>and almost everywhere all.

0:07:34.240 --> 0:07:37.120
<v Speaker 1>The guys go. And if you're not looking at this

0:07:37.200 --> 0:07:39.560
<v Speaker 1>on YouTube, you can't see that. I just went my

0:07:40.240 --> 0:07:42.840
<v Speaker 1>hand over my head like gone, gone whatever.

0:07:43.280 --> 0:07:46.800
<v Speaker 2>I'm in work mode, and you know, I've clicked the

0:07:47.080 --> 0:07:49.720
<v Speaker 2>X and made that go away. And then I say,

0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:52.640
<v Speaker 2>you know, if I'm honest, when I come home, I'm

0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:56.680
<v Speaker 2>hoping you did the same thing, and you respond.

0:07:57.000 --> 0:07:59.360
<v Speaker 1>And I always ask the women in the events. I'm

0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:02.080
<v Speaker 1>always say late, and all of the women shake their

0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:03.520
<v Speaker 1>head and go nope.

0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:07.840
<v Speaker 2>And and that's because of this unique wiring, right.

0:08:07.760 --> 0:08:12.720
<v Speaker 1>Yes it is. It's because of the fact of an

0:08:12.760 --> 0:08:16.600
<v Speaker 1>open window has just popped up, and.

0:08:16.040 --> 0:08:18.360
<v Speaker 2>The open window is the worry that are we going

0:08:18.440 --> 0:08:18.600
<v Speaker 2>to be?

0:08:18.600 --> 0:08:20.560
<v Speaker 1>Are we going to be okay? Like are not? Are

0:08:20.600 --> 0:08:22.840
<v Speaker 1>we going to be okay? Like there's a divorce in

0:08:22.880 --> 0:08:25.560
<v Speaker 1>the offing? No, it's like just are we okay? Right?

0:08:25.600 --> 0:08:29.000
<v Speaker 1>Like it's just is it what's going on? I feel

0:08:29.040 --> 0:08:32.040
<v Speaker 1>all stirred up? Like it feels bad? Are we okay?

0:08:32.080 --> 0:08:33.920
<v Speaker 2>How mad is he gonna stay? How long is he

0:08:33.960 --> 0:08:34.280
<v Speaker 2>gonna go?

0:08:34.400 --> 0:08:37.839
<v Speaker 1>Like this is this going to be a beginning of

0:08:38.920 --> 0:08:42.600
<v Speaker 1>a season of not doing so well and not enjoying

0:08:42.720 --> 0:08:45.840
<v Speaker 1>being together for the next few weeks because now I

0:08:45.960 --> 0:08:48.200
<v Speaker 1>did something or he did something and he's in a mood.

0:08:48.240 --> 0:08:50.199
<v Speaker 1>I mean, it's just your brain goes in all these

0:08:50.200 --> 0:08:53.000
<v Speaker 1>different directions. And that's part of what we mean when

0:08:53.000 --> 0:08:56.240
<v Speaker 1>we talk about the windows, Like it's all these different ideas,

0:08:56.320 --> 0:08:59.000
<v Speaker 1>these different thoughts, these are different worries now pop up,

0:08:59.400 --> 0:09:01.800
<v Speaker 1>and so now we're like, oh my gosh, you know,

0:09:02.000 --> 0:09:04.360
<v Speaker 1>so for example, if you drive away and you're upset,

0:09:05.240 --> 0:09:07.920
<v Speaker 1>you know you're going to the client meeting. And now, yeah,

0:09:07.960 --> 0:09:10.280
<v Speaker 1>I'm trying to work on my day. I have work

0:09:10.320 --> 0:09:11.959
<v Speaker 1>I have to do. I have stuff, you know, phone

0:09:11.960 --> 0:09:14.080
<v Speaker 1>calls to do in meetings I have to have. But

0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:19.240
<v Speaker 1>that thought of that argument keeps popping back up, and

0:09:19.480 --> 0:09:23.720
<v Speaker 1>candidly it now has a host of baby thoughts around

0:09:23.760 --> 0:09:26.439
<v Speaker 1>it because oh, gosh, you know, we're supposed to be

0:09:26.480 --> 0:09:28.440
<v Speaker 1>going out to dinner with another couple tonight. Is he

0:09:28.520 --> 0:09:30.320
<v Speaker 1>going to be in the mood for that? Or hey,

0:09:30.520 --> 0:09:32.080
<v Speaker 1>we have a marriage event that we have to go

0:09:32.120 --> 0:09:36.760
<v Speaker 1>to tomorrow. And every every marriage author has we've all

0:09:36.800 --> 0:09:40.320
<v Speaker 1>compared notes of We've all all of us, one hundred

0:09:40.360 --> 0:09:43.160
<v Speaker 1>percent of us have had those instances where we are

0:09:43.320 --> 0:09:47.400
<v Speaker 1>driving up to the venue and furious with each other

0:09:48.040 --> 0:09:50.400
<v Speaker 1>and then you have to go stand on stage and

0:09:50.559 --> 0:09:52.040
<v Speaker 1>smile and like share.

0:09:52.520 --> 0:09:57.720
<v Speaker 2>Fortunately, that is it's common, right, but it does to everybody.

0:09:57.840 --> 0:10:02.400
<v Speaker 2>So this isn't just deserved to us you and me.

0:10:02.600 --> 0:10:04.800
<v Speaker 2>I mean as far as a husband and a wife

0:10:04.840 --> 0:10:08.120
<v Speaker 2>in a relationship, this kind of open window thing can

0:10:08.160 --> 0:10:11.000
<v Speaker 2>come up with any sort of anything.

0:10:12.280 --> 0:10:15.400
<v Speaker 1>So relationships, it's about anything.

0:10:15.440 --> 0:10:19.120
<v Speaker 2>So let's just give another quick example. So let's just

0:10:19.160 --> 0:10:23.120
<v Speaker 2>say that you come home, we're getting ready to go

0:10:23.160 --> 0:10:27.000
<v Speaker 2>out on a trip, and you say, as we're getting

0:10:27.000 --> 0:10:29.240
<v Speaker 2>ready to leave, you're saying, you know what, I think

0:10:29.240 --> 0:10:32.199
<v Speaker 2>one of my colleagues misinterpreted something I said. I think

0:10:32.240 --> 0:10:35.560
<v Speaker 2>I hurt their feelings or maybe they hurt yours. It

0:10:35.679 --> 0:10:40.200
<v Speaker 2>just feels unsettled, and yet you're not able to meet

0:10:40.280 --> 0:10:40.719
<v Speaker 2>with them.

0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:42.800
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, gone, gone.

0:10:43.080 --> 0:10:46.040
<v Speaker 2>And so you've brought that up maybe a few times.

0:10:46.640 --> 0:10:51.120
<v Speaker 2>And then if me like the typical guy, I oftentimes

0:10:51.280 --> 0:10:57.000
<v Speaker 2>will respond with what I think is the best possible advice,

0:10:57.679 --> 0:11:01.280
<v Speaker 2>and that is, look, there's nothing you can do about it, babe,

0:11:01.679 --> 0:11:07.000
<v Speaker 2>so just don't think about it. Oh to be you,

0:11:07.360 --> 0:11:10.800
<v Speaker 2>Oh to be me, so brilliant, so so helpful.

0:11:10.880 --> 0:11:14.080
<v Speaker 1>It's so helpful, and so guys think it is helpful.

0:11:14.120 --> 0:11:16.320
<v Speaker 1>And I'm just telling the guys out there. I can't

0:11:16.360 --> 0:11:17.839
<v Speaker 1>remember what the number is. I should have looked it

0:11:17.880 --> 0:11:20.360
<v Speaker 1>up before we started, but it's something like eighty seven

0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:24.040
<v Speaker 1>percent or something of women are like you're saying.

0:11:23.760 --> 0:11:25.600
<v Speaker 2>Click the X and make it go and make it

0:11:25.640 --> 0:11:26.040
<v Speaker 2>go away.

0:11:26.120 --> 0:11:31.720
<v Speaker 1>And we can't do that. It is not actually helpful advice.

0:11:32.480 --> 0:11:34.360
<v Speaker 1>And we and we actually don't even know what you're

0:11:34.400 --> 0:11:39.040
<v Speaker 1>talking about, Like I've never been able to really do that,

0:11:39.640 --> 0:11:42.640
<v Speaker 1>and so I don't kind of know what you mean by.

0:11:42.480 --> 0:11:46.959
<v Speaker 2>That, but you understand that it apparently can be done.

0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:50.079
<v Speaker 1>Apparently it can be done, but it's very fortun to us.

0:11:50.120 --> 0:11:54.400
<v Speaker 2>So I guess let's let's unpack a few things here. One,

0:11:54.480 --> 0:11:58.880
<v Speaker 2>let's unpack what a guy could do instead, right, But

0:11:59.160 --> 0:12:03.360
<v Speaker 2>I would actually love to know whether or not this

0:12:03.640 --> 0:12:07.720
<v Speaker 2>is just kind of unique to us, you know, or

0:12:07.880 --> 0:12:12.640
<v Speaker 2>is it more male female brain differences? And you had

0:12:12.679 --> 0:12:14.840
<v Speaker 2>talked to a number of neuros.

0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:19.960
<v Speaker 1>Science did I did so? And I'm gonna actually explain

0:12:20.000 --> 0:12:23.840
<v Speaker 1>this from the beginning here. So I talked to a

0:12:23.920 --> 0:12:26.560
<v Speaker 1>number of neuroscientists about this. There's been a bunch of

0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:30.400
<v Speaker 1>different neuroscientific studies. I'm going to put in the show

0:12:30.440 --> 0:12:34.360
<v Speaker 1>notes a link to an article or two by Reuben

0:12:34.400 --> 0:12:38.160
<v Speaker 1>and Rachel Gerr, who are eminent neuroscientists that have studied

0:12:38.160 --> 0:12:41.760
<v Speaker 1>the male and the female brain. And so basically from

0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:45.480
<v Speaker 1>the beginning here here is kind of a simp This

0:12:45.559 --> 0:12:47.600
<v Speaker 1>is very simplistic. I'm just going to tell you any

0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:51.560
<v Speaker 1>neuroscientists listening to this, I apologize as in advance that

0:12:51.640 --> 0:12:55.400
<v Speaker 1>this is oversimplified. But basically, think of when you're talking

0:12:55.400 --> 0:13:00.920
<v Speaker 1>about these windows and how difficult it is for men

0:13:01.559 --> 0:13:04.600
<v Speaker 1>for women to close out those things that are bothering them,

0:13:04.880 --> 0:13:07.320
<v Speaker 1>where it's a little more easy for men to do that.

0:13:07.760 --> 0:13:11.120
<v Speaker 1>There's there's some wiring reasons for that. So if you

0:13:11.160 --> 0:13:13.800
<v Speaker 1>think of the two hemispheres of the brain, so like

0:13:13.920 --> 0:13:17.760
<v Speaker 1>two fists that are are put together, that's kind of

0:13:17.800 --> 0:13:21.680
<v Speaker 1>the size of the brain basically, right, And in between

0:13:21.840 --> 0:13:28.120
<v Speaker 1>the two hemispheres the women's a woman's brain. There's tons

0:13:28.200 --> 0:13:33.160
<v Speaker 1>of connections that run between the hemispheres, and there's a

0:13:33.200 --> 0:13:35.679
<v Speaker 1>different structure in what's called the corpus colosum, which is

0:13:35.720 --> 0:13:39.440
<v Speaker 1>sort of a super highway between the hemispheres. Basically, there's

0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:43.679
<v Speaker 1>just a lot of networking cables that are just running everywhere,

0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:47.559
<v Speaker 1>and there's just processing everywhere and everything is it creates

0:13:47.559 --> 0:13:51.520
<v Speaker 1>this open these all these open windows, and you can

0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:55.000
<v Speaker 1>process and think, and our brains are wired to process

0:13:55.040 --> 0:13:58.679
<v Speaker 1>all this emotion and everything all at the same time. Okay, Now,

0:13:59.040 --> 0:14:02.079
<v Speaker 1>a man's brain, if you think of the two hemispheres.

0:14:02.600 --> 0:14:06.080
<v Speaker 1>There aren't as many connections between the hemispheres. The corpus

0:14:06.080 --> 0:14:11.040
<v Speaker 1>colosum is structured quite differently, and and the way that

0:14:11.240 --> 0:14:14.880
<v Speaker 1>the studies have found the men's brains, it's more like

0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:20.760
<v Speaker 1>within each hemisphere of the brain, there are more connections

0:14:20.800 --> 0:14:23.800
<v Speaker 1>within the hemisphere, so it's more modular. Like when you

0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:30.000
<v Speaker 1>talk about guy's brains being compartmentalized, there's actually a physiological

0:14:30.040 --> 0:14:33.840
<v Speaker 1>reason behind that because of these more modular connections. And

0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:38.440
<v Speaker 1>so basically another way of thinking about it is think

0:14:38.760 --> 0:14:45.520
<v Speaker 1>of a woman's a man's brain, as he's more able

0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:48.800
<v Speaker 1>to do one thing at a time really well, and

0:14:48.880 --> 0:14:51.480
<v Speaker 1>she's able to process a lot at a surface level.

0:14:52.040 --> 0:14:54.400
<v Speaker 1>It's almost like and if you especially look at the

0:14:54.400 --> 0:15:00.880
<v Speaker 1>corpus colosum, and there's more grain matter that is more compartmentalized.

0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:03.720
<v Speaker 1>Again for the men, it's almost like you have those

0:15:04.040 --> 0:15:08.560
<v Speaker 1>giant Cray supercomputers, those ones that can do like trillions

0:15:08.600 --> 0:15:12.560
<v Speaker 1>of calculations per second for you know, the space agencies

0:15:12.640 --> 0:15:15.560
<v Speaker 1>and you know that kind of stuff. And for a

0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:21.480
<v Speaker 1>man's brain, it's almost like you have these isolated Cray supercomputers.

0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:25.560
<v Speaker 1>So like think of it as three isolated Cray supercomputers

0:15:25.560 --> 0:15:28.400
<v Speaker 1>that are sitting there, and it goes in. For a man,

0:15:28.480 --> 0:15:30.520
<v Speaker 1>it goes to the thought, the feeling, the worry, It

0:15:30.560 --> 0:15:35.120
<v Speaker 1>goes into the supercomputer and he processes it very different,

0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:36.680
<v Speaker 1>so very thoroughly.

0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:41.680
<v Speaker 2>So as I'm understanding this, one of those Cray supercomputers

0:15:42.000 --> 0:15:46.880
<v Speaker 2>is engaged yes doing yes, so, and then the other

0:15:46.960 --> 0:15:48.720
<v Speaker 2>two are ready.

0:15:49.680 --> 0:15:53.080
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, this is obviously way of space, but they're they're

0:15:53.120 --> 0:15:56.200
<v Speaker 1>sitting there waiting, And so he goes very deep into

0:15:56.280 --> 0:16:00.400
<v Speaker 1>whatever that thing is that he is processing that one thing,

0:16:00.960 --> 0:16:04.880
<v Speaker 1>and it processes all the way through and then he's done,

0:16:05.520 --> 0:16:08.880
<v Speaker 1>and then there's like one network cable connecting to the

0:16:08.920 --> 0:16:12.720
<v Speaker 1>next supercomputer, and he goes into the next thought or

0:16:12.760 --> 0:16:15.800
<v Speaker 1>the next emotion or the next worry or whatever it is.

0:16:16.120 --> 0:16:19.760
<v Speaker 1>And it's just very one thing at a time, very deeply.

0:16:20.560 --> 0:16:25.880
<v Speaker 1>The woman's brain is more like ten million personal computers,

0:16:25.920 --> 0:16:29.440
<v Speaker 1>all networked together and all running at the same time.

0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:34.080
<v Speaker 1>And so you're processing a ton really quickly at a

0:16:34.200 --> 0:16:37.200
<v Speaker 1>very surface level, and you go deeper and deeper and

0:16:37.280 --> 0:16:42.440
<v Speaker 1>deeper in layers. Now, Okay, I that is obviously oversimplified,

0:16:42.760 --> 0:16:47.080
<v Speaker 1>but literally, like I spoke to I interviewed an eminent

0:16:47.240 --> 0:16:51.720
<v Speaker 1>neuroscientist on this who asked not to be named because

0:16:52.120 --> 0:16:56.200
<v Speaker 1>this particular neuroscientist has studied men's and women's brains for

0:16:56.320 --> 0:17:00.920
<v Speaker 1>years and wants to avoid being controversial. If any you know,

0:17:01.000 --> 0:17:04.160
<v Speaker 1>anyone who talks about male and female differences, this person

0:17:04.240 --> 0:17:07.200
<v Speaker 1>just wants to have the science. And so it's like great,

0:17:07.320 --> 0:17:10.160
<v Speaker 1>Like I really respect that anyway, But this person has

0:17:10.160 --> 0:17:15.280
<v Speaker 1>published extensively and is extremely well known and well respected

0:17:15.320 --> 0:17:18.440
<v Speaker 1>in this arena. So anyway, I spoke with this person

0:17:18.440 --> 0:17:21.959
<v Speaker 1>who has a very big brain and was trying to,

0:17:22.440 --> 0:17:25.439
<v Speaker 1>you know, explain things in a way I with my little,

0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:28.960
<v Speaker 1>my layman brain, could understand. And I said, you know,

0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:31.919
<v Speaker 1>let me tell you what I think I'm hearing. And

0:17:31.960 --> 0:17:35.560
<v Speaker 1>I gave this example of the ten million personal computers

0:17:35.600 --> 0:17:41.080
<v Speaker 1>and the three isolated Cray supercomputers, and this this neuroscientist

0:17:41.119 --> 0:17:44.119
<v Speaker 1>was like, oh gosh, no, you know that's way oversimplified.

0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:46.359
<v Speaker 1>It's it's really not that, it's this, and tried to

0:17:46.400 --> 0:17:48.399
<v Speaker 1>explain it again. I'm like, I'm so sorry, I'm not

0:17:48.600 --> 0:17:52.880
<v Speaker 1>understanding what you're saying. Can you give me another more

0:17:52.920 --> 0:17:57.600
<v Speaker 1>of a layman's example, And this person tried again, and finally,

0:17:57.680 --> 0:18:00.480
<v Speaker 1>after they tried like two or three times, they said,

0:18:00.720 --> 0:18:03.560
<v Speaker 1>you know what, just go with yours. Just go with

0:18:03.600 --> 0:18:05.679
<v Speaker 1>your example, because that's as close.

0:18:05.400 --> 0:18:08.639
<v Speaker 2>As you're going to get to the average person.

0:18:09.119 --> 0:18:13.680
<v Speaker 1>Yes, exactly. But but the bottom line when we're talking

0:18:13.720 --> 0:18:18.480
<v Speaker 1>about these open windows, this is the reason for it.

0:18:18.480 --> 0:18:20.600
<v Speaker 1>It's the way God wired our brains.

0:18:20.760 --> 0:18:25.240
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. So so here's because we spend all our time

0:18:25.280 --> 0:18:28.040
<v Speaker 2>in our own brains and we think that you can

0:18:28.080 --> 0:18:29.200
<v Speaker 2>do just what we do.

0:18:29.680 --> 0:18:31.159
<v Speaker 1>Yes, just don't think about it.

0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:34.520
<v Speaker 2>So when when you come home and you say that, look,

0:18:34.680 --> 0:18:37.480
<v Speaker 2>I think there was a I have an issue with

0:18:37.520 --> 0:18:40.520
<v Speaker 2>a colleague. Yeah, and I don't know how to resolve

0:18:40.520 --> 0:18:42.159
<v Speaker 2>it because we're not going to be sitting down together

0:18:42.200 --> 0:18:43.119
<v Speaker 2>for the next two weeks.

0:18:43.119 --> 0:18:44.959
<v Speaker 1>And this open window keeps correct.

0:18:45.000 --> 0:18:48.400
<v Speaker 2>And I offer you that that great advice, which is, look,

0:18:48.520 --> 0:18:51.520
<v Speaker 2>just don't think about it. How does that make you

0:18:51.680 --> 0:18:53.159
<v Speaker 2>feel very dismissed?

0:18:53.400 --> 0:18:54.720
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and it doesn't.

0:18:54.880 --> 0:18:58.640
<v Speaker 2>It doesn't help because I'm not trying at least, perhaps

0:18:59.000 --> 0:19:01.199
<v Speaker 2>if I'm honest with my sometimes I want to just

0:19:01.240 --> 0:19:01.520
<v Speaker 2>move on.

0:19:03.600 --> 0:19:07.200
<v Speaker 1>I just say that, right, But being being more generous

0:19:07.480 --> 0:19:11.080
<v Speaker 1>to the average the average husband who just he just

0:19:11.119 --> 0:19:12.160
<v Speaker 1>wants to leap his wife.

0:19:12.240 --> 0:19:12.400
<v Speaker 2>Right.

0:19:13.320 --> 0:19:17.760
<v Speaker 1>But here's the thing. The reality is, because she can't think,

0:19:17.840 --> 0:19:20.840
<v Speaker 1>she can't not think about it, in most cases, it's

0:19:20.920 --> 0:19:24.239
<v Speaker 1>going to keep popping up. That window is gonna stay there,

0:19:24.359 --> 0:19:28.600
<v Speaker 1>bugging her until she could take some action to address it.

0:19:28.960 --> 0:19:31.480
<v Speaker 1>And instead of and I'll just can we just give

0:19:31.520 --> 0:19:32.800
<v Speaker 1>a practical.

0:19:32.840 --> 0:19:36.800
<v Speaker 2>Because because what we've just discussed might be those kind

0:19:36.800 --> 0:19:41.520
<v Speaker 2>of rare occurrences where something you know, the colleague offended,

0:19:41.600 --> 0:19:43.719
<v Speaker 2>all all of those sorts of things that may not

0:19:43.800 --> 0:19:45.800
<v Speaker 2>be a day to day type thing.

0:19:45.960 --> 0:19:49.120
<v Speaker 1>Well, I don't know, I mean that I can let

0:19:49.119 --> 0:19:50.639
<v Speaker 1>me give you an example of a day to day

0:19:50.800 --> 0:19:55.240
<v Speaker 1>practical solution for that. So, so here's the thing. She

0:19:55.640 --> 0:19:58.760
<v Speaker 1>keeps bringing it up. You think, you know, just don't

0:19:58.760 --> 0:20:01.720
<v Speaker 1>think about it. Now, you know that's not an option, right, Like,

0:20:01.960 --> 0:20:03.920
<v Speaker 1>let's just say you're on vacation for the next week.

0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:07.399
<v Speaker 1>Is she going to really enjoy the vacation? Right? Like?

0:20:07.520 --> 0:20:10.160
<v Speaker 1>That is gonna be there bugging her, right because it's

0:20:10.200 --> 0:20:13.960
<v Speaker 1>a it's an issue, right, So now you know, well,

0:20:13.960 --> 0:20:16.280
<v Speaker 1>it's gonna it's gonna be there as a as a

0:20:16.320 --> 0:20:18.639
<v Speaker 1>little thorn. The you know, it's like a like a

0:20:18.680 --> 0:20:21.040
<v Speaker 1>splinter or like a rock in your shoe while you're

0:20:21.080 --> 0:20:26.119
<v Speaker 1>on vacation. So instead of kind of and guys, I

0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:29.760
<v Speaker 1>know you don't mean to do this, but instead of

0:20:29.960 --> 0:20:33.960
<v Speaker 1>kind of making her feel foolish for needing to do

0:20:34.080 --> 0:20:40.200
<v Speaker 1>something to feel better, encourage her, like, look, I know

0:20:40.280 --> 0:20:42.359
<v Speaker 1>that you're not gonna be able to sit down with her, uh,

0:20:42.840 --> 0:20:44.920
<v Speaker 1>you know, the colleague for the next week while we're

0:20:44.960 --> 0:20:47.640
<v Speaker 1>gone on vacation. Is there something here that would make

0:20:47.640 --> 0:20:51.200
<v Speaker 1>you feel better? Well? Yeah, Like, I feel like maybe

0:20:51.200 --> 0:20:54.720
<v Speaker 1>I should just email her and just say, you know,

0:20:55.480 --> 0:20:58.439
<v Speaker 1>I feel I felt like we left on a weird note.

0:20:58.520 --> 0:21:00.520
<v Speaker 1>And you know you work so hard on this project

0:21:00.600 --> 0:21:03.720
<v Speaker 1>and I didn't mean to criticize, but I felt like

0:21:03.800 --> 0:21:07.119
<v Speaker 1>you said, whatever, Can we talk about this when I

0:21:07.119 --> 0:21:08.480
<v Speaker 1>get back from the vacation.

0:21:09.240 --> 0:21:12.800
<v Speaker 2>In me as the guy, I could perhaps even offer, look,

0:21:12.840 --> 0:21:14.960
<v Speaker 2>if you want to bounce that email off of me

0:21:15.119 --> 0:21:17.400
<v Speaker 2>before you yeah, there you go, before before.

0:21:17.240 --> 0:21:22.359
<v Speaker 1>You send it. Yeah exactly. That that is essentially not

0:21:22.520 --> 0:21:26.399
<v Speaker 1>making her feel foolish for needing to do something to

0:21:26.560 --> 0:21:30.560
<v Speaker 1>close the window basically and make herself feel better, and

0:21:30.680 --> 0:21:35.200
<v Speaker 1>instead encourage it. And here's the thing, Oh man, guys,

0:21:36.480 --> 0:21:40.040
<v Speaker 1>if you will just like next time you want to

0:21:40.080 --> 0:21:42.920
<v Speaker 1>say just don't think about it, like if you will

0:21:43.040 --> 0:21:47.800
<v Speaker 1>stop yourself from saying that and instead say, you know,

0:21:48.080 --> 0:21:51.120
<v Speaker 1>is this an open window? Is there something bugging you?

0:21:51.560 --> 0:21:54.240
<v Speaker 1>And you can use that language right, well, yeah, I

0:21:54.320 --> 0:21:57.159
<v Speaker 1>mean now that, I mean seriously now, we use it

0:21:57.240 --> 0:21:59.119
<v Speaker 1>a lot of other people use it because it's like

0:21:59.160 --> 0:22:02.960
<v Speaker 1>a really evocative of word picture. Is there something that

0:22:02.960 --> 0:22:06.840
<v Speaker 1>would make you feel better here? And maybe there is,

0:22:06.880 --> 0:22:10.359
<v Speaker 1>maybe there isn't, right, but if you could just switch

0:22:10.440 --> 0:22:13.680
<v Speaker 1>it away from just don't think about it.

0:22:14.640 --> 0:22:17.160
<v Speaker 2>So I think one of the challenges for guys is that,

0:22:17.600 --> 0:22:20.639
<v Speaker 2>you know, we oftentimes all hear I just don't have

0:22:20.680 --> 0:22:22.880
<v Speaker 2>a grid for that. I don't know what that kind

0:22:22.880 --> 0:22:26.600
<v Speaker 2>of feels like. And if I could maybe understand a

0:22:26.640 --> 0:22:30.560
<v Speaker 2>little better what the discomfort feels like, maybe then I

0:22:30.600 --> 0:22:34.760
<v Speaker 2>could empathize and then be more kind of okay, a

0:22:34.880 --> 0:22:38.040
<v Speaker 2>tune to how I could help or what I could do.

0:22:38.560 --> 0:22:41.440
<v Speaker 2>And so we've come up again with another little word

0:22:41.480 --> 0:22:44.560
<v Speaker 2>picture example, which I think guys have said is really

0:22:44.600 --> 0:22:47.920
<v Speaker 2>really helpful to them. So here it is. So let's

0:22:48.000 --> 0:22:51.560
<v Speaker 2>just say that it's Friday afternoon, You're sitting there in

0:22:51.600 --> 0:22:54.680
<v Speaker 2>your cube, working away now, it hasn't been a good

0:22:54.680 --> 0:22:58.160
<v Speaker 2>week for your company. They've lost their biggest account that

0:22:58.240 --> 0:23:00.639
<v Speaker 2>was responsible for maybe, let's say, two percent of the

0:23:00.640 --> 0:23:05.120
<v Speaker 2>company's revenues, and you actually were a project manager on

0:23:05.200 --> 0:23:10.360
<v Speaker 2>that account. And your boss, on his way out the office,

0:23:10.920 --> 0:23:14.919
<v Speaker 2>stops by your cube and says, hey, Jeff, I'm going

0:23:15.000 --> 0:23:18.400
<v Speaker 2>to need to see in my office first thing Monday morning. Okay,

0:23:18.520 --> 0:23:19.280
<v Speaker 2>i'll see you later.

0:23:19.720 --> 0:23:20.520
<v Speaker 1>Have a good weekend.

0:23:21.119 --> 0:23:27.080
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And then you come home and you recount to

0:23:27.119 --> 0:23:31.159
<v Speaker 2>your wife what has just happened, and she looks at

0:23:31.200 --> 0:23:34.119
<v Speaker 2>you and says, well, gosh, I guess you're just gonna

0:23:34.119 --> 0:23:37.120
<v Speaker 2>have to wait until Monday, and uh so, just don't

0:23:37.119 --> 0:23:37.719
<v Speaker 2>think about it.

0:23:39.240 --> 0:23:40.240
<v Speaker 1>How does that feel? Guys?

0:23:40.480 --> 0:23:44.960
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, well, probably not so great. And I think for

0:23:45.040 --> 0:23:48.239
<v Speaker 2>a guy, you'll go, oh, well, I guess I do

0:23:48.400 --> 0:23:54.359
<v Speaker 2>have this possibility of a thought, a worry hitting my brain. Yeah,

0:23:54.359 --> 0:23:57.960
<v Speaker 2>and it keeps coming back, even though I know that

0:23:58.040 --> 0:24:01.359
<v Speaker 2>I can't do anything about it. For a few days.

0:24:01.680 --> 0:24:04.119
<v Speaker 2>It's just really really bothering me.

0:24:04.600 --> 0:24:06.520
<v Speaker 1>And so you know what an open window feels like.

0:24:06.560 --> 0:24:11.000
<v Speaker 1>You haven't recognized how common it is for women correct

0:24:11.080 --> 0:24:11.520
<v Speaker 1>the day.

0:24:11.400 --> 0:24:15.840
<v Speaker 2>To day correct. We tend to result because look as guys.

0:24:16.680 --> 0:24:20.000
<v Speaker 2>We've talked about this in our other podcasts about how

0:24:20.160 --> 0:24:24.520
<v Speaker 2>us guys is our kind of insecurity at the center

0:24:24.720 --> 0:24:28.240
<v Speaker 2>of us is oftentimes am I able? Am I any

0:24:28.359 --> 0:24:30.760
<v Speaker 2>good at what I do on the outside?

0:24:30.920 --> 0:24:32.240
<v Speaker 1>Am I any good at providing?

0:24:32.480 --> 0:24:38.000
<v Speaker 2>Correct? So that career stuff, that provider stuff really hits

0:24:38.080 --> 0:24:40.040
<v Speaker 2>us in a way that I know it hits you

0:24:40.080 --> 0:24:45.000
<v Speaker 2>all too, But it feels particularly acute in that area.

0:24:45.040 --> 0:24:49.440
<v Speaker 1>For Statistically it is we found for more more so

0:24:49.560 --> 0:24:49.960
<v Speaker 1>for men.

0:24:50.240 --> 0:24:54.320
<v Speaker 2>So is there another way that this scenario, this illustration

0:24:54.720 --> 0:24:55.440
<v Speaker 2>could have ended.

0:24:55.640 --> 0:24:59.080
<v Speaker 1>So, and this is one of the yes there is.

0:24:59.160 --> 0:25:01.960
<v Speaker 1>And this is one of the things that we advise

0:25:02.119 --> 0:25:04.479
<v Speaker 1>whenever we do a marriage event. It's one of the

0:25:06.000 --> 0:25:09.479
<v Speaker 1>places that I see people go oh like they get

0:25:09.560 --> 0:25:13.800
<v Speaker 1>clicks in because what we tell the guys is, imagine

0:25:14.000 --> 0:25:18.640
<v Speaker 1>that that scenario ended just slightly differently. Imagine that your

0:25:18.680 --> 0:25:22.399
<v Speaker 1>boss comes back by your cubicle. Now you're in turmoil,

0:25:22.480 --> 0:25:24.320
<v Speaker 1>right like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be fired on

0:25:24.400 --> 0:25:28.840
<v Speaker 1>Monday morning. And you come back and your boss comes

0:25:28.880 --> 0:25:32.480
<v Speaker 1>back and says, you know, Jeff, I think I left

0:25:32.520 --> 0:25:35.520
<v Speaker 1>you with the wrong impression. The reason that I need

0:25:35.560 --> 0:25:38.280
<v Speaker 1>to see you Monday morning is that, yes, this has

0:25:38.320 --> 0:25:42.119
<v Speaker 1>been a really rough week, but we've been cultivating another

0:25:42.160 --> 0:25:45.639
<v Speaker 1>client and so I wanted I just on Monday, I

0:25:45.680 --> 0:25:47.840
<v Speaker 1>want to make sure that you're available to work on

0:25:47.880 --> 0:25:52.040
<v Speaker 1>this account as a project manager. And so suddenly what

0:25:52.240 --> 0:25:57.199
<v Speaker 1>has happened is that he has that boss has reassured

0:25:57.240 --> 0:26:01.280
<v Speaker 1>you in this area where you need reassurance and has

0:26:01.359 --> 0:26:05.359
<v Speaker 1>helped you close a really significant open window. And we

0:26:05.400 --> 0:26:09.639
<v Speaker 1>always tell guys, for most women, maybe not all, but

0:26:09.720 --> 0:26:12.600
<v Speaker 1>for most women, there is no bigger open window than

0:26:12.680 --> 0:26:15.840
<v Speaker 1>the relationship and the happiness of the marriage and what's

0:26:15.880 --> 0:26:18.800
<v Speaker 1>going on with the family. And so again, if you're

0:26:18.920 --> 0:26:23.840
<v Speaker 1>driving away and you're upset and now she's like all

0:26:24.040 --> 0:26:27.240
<v Speaker 1>stirred up, like uh are we okay, that's a pretty

0:26:27.280 --> 0:26:32.800
<v Speaker 1>significant open window. And so doing something before you leave

0:26:32.960 --> 0:26:38.520
<v Speaker 1>to reassure her is huge because think about for you,

0:26:38.600 --> 0:26:44.040
<v Speaker 1>as a guy, think about the gratitude that you feel

0:26:44.400 --> 0:26:49.520
<v Speaker 1>for your boss coming back to reassure you. That's the

0:26:49.560 --> 0:26:54.240
<v Speaker 1>same gratitude your wife feels for you when yeah, you're

0:26:54.280 --> 0:26:56.960
<v Speaker 1>in the middle of an argument and things are emotions

0:26:57.000 --> 0:26:59.560
<v Speaker 1>and tensions are high, but as you're about to if

0:26:59.560 --> 0:27:01.600
<v Speaker 1>you were about to leave for client meeting. If you

0:27:01.640 --> 0:27:06.359
<v Speaker 1>were to say, look, I'm I'm really angry. I can't

0:27:06.400 --> 0:27:09.000
<v Speaker 1>even I can't think, I can't talk right now, but listen,

0:27:09.119 --> 0:27:13.240
<v Speaker 1>we're okay. We'll talk about it tonight. Like, okay, we're okay.

0:27:13.520 --> 0:27:16.760
<v Speaker 1>You've just reassured you've helped her close the window. There's

0:27:17.000 --> 0:27:18.199
<v Speaker 1>gratitude for that.

0:27:19.640 --> 0:27:24.879
<v Speaker 2>Okay, So let's shift a little bit about I'm trying

0:27:24.880 --> 0:27:27.400
<v Speaker 2>to think of what some of the guys could be thinking,

0:27:27.600 --> 0:27:32.760
<v Speaker 2>kind of maybe objections to solve this. Okay. So let's

0:27:32.800 --> 0:27:38.600
<v Speaker 2>say that your wife has raised this kind of she's

0:27:38.600 --> 0:27:42.120
<v Speaker 2>got an open window on a particular topic. And one

0:27:42.200 --> 0:27:46.280
<v Speaker 2>it's it's you've weighed in and you've said I think

0:27:46.480 --> 0:27:50.639
<v Speaker 2>you should do this, and what she really needs is

0:27:51.160 --> 0:27:55.479
<v Speaker 2>a bit more processing to get through it. And but

0:27:55.560 --> 0:27:57.920
<v Speaker 2>you feel like, well, I've told her that she can't

0:27:57.920 --> 0:27:59.679
<v Speaker 2>do anything about it right now, so just not to

0:27:59.720 --> 0:28:05.119
<v Speaker 2>think about it or whatever whatever the kind of advice is.

0:28:05.920 --> 0:28:08.720
<v Speaker 2>And she appears that that doesn't work.

0:28:08.520 --> 0:28:12.240
<v Speaker 1>For her, so like she doesn't appreciate my advice.

0:28:12.880 --> 0:28:16.200
<v Speaker 2>Maybe, and so the guy could be thinking, well, she

0:28:17.119 --> 0:28:20.520
<v Speaker 2>doesn't trust me my advice, she doesn't trust my judgment.

0:28:20.960 --> 0:28:24.040
<v Speaker 2>That Look, the thing with your colleague is going to

0:28:24.080 --> 0:28:29.280
<v Speaker 2>be fine. Don't worry about it. She's sensible. All of

0:28:29.320 --> 0:28:32.399
<v Speaker 2>these things. Just put it out of your mind. And

0:28:32.440 --> 0:28:36.800
<v Speaker 2>so the guy thinks, well, you know, I've been through

0:28:36.880 --> 0:28:39.680
<v Speaker 2>these things in business before. She should trust me.

0:28:40.480 --> 0:28:45.120
<v Speaker 1>And that's a very guy way of thinking about it.

0:28:45.200 --> 0:28:48.880
<v Speaker 1>And now that you now hopefully that guys know this

0:28:49.200 --> 0:28:54.680
<v Speaker 1>about some of this is physiological, the brainwiring. It really

0:28:54.720 --> 0:28:58.280
<v Speaker 1>in most cases has literally nothing to do with whether

0:28:58.320 --> 0:29:01.959
<v Speaker 1>she trusts you or not. It's not that she disagrees

0:29:02.000 --> 0:29:04.640
<v Speaker 1>with your judgment. It's just that the window is going

0:29:04.720 --> 0:29:05.360
<v Speaker 1>to keep right.

0:29:06.360 --> 0:29:10.120
<v Speaker 2>So for the guy out there, this is not some

0:29:10.280 --> 0:29:13.680
<v Speaker 2>grand judgment, no who you are as a man.

0:29:13.960 --> 0:29:20.760
<v Speaker 1>No, she's just trying to close a window because its uncomfortable. Yes,

0:29:20.960 --> 0:29:23.840
<v Speaker 1>and it's for a guy. You're thinking of it in

0:29:23.880 --> 0:29:28.080
<v Speaker 1>your way because that is you live in a guy brain, right.

0:29:28.200 --> 0:29:30.520
<v Speaker 1>But this is something that to some degree you're gonna

0:29:30.520 --> 0:29:33.960
<v Speaker 1>have to trust your wife that this is her brain right,

0:29:34.000 --> 0:29:36.840
<v Speaker 1>like this is her wiring, and work with it rather

0:29:36.840 --> 0:29:39.800
<v Speaker 1>than against it. Because I will tell you, guys, if

0:29:39.880 --> 0:29:44.400
<v Speaker 1>you will switch into this language of do you have

0:29:44.440 --> 0:29:47.240
<v Speaker 1>an open window, is there something would make you feel better,

0:29:47.960 --> 0:29:52.000
<v Speaker 1>like oh, my word, like this really is the simplest,

0:29:52.120 --> 0:29:57.000
<v Speaker 1>almost stupidest little thing that really makes her feel loved.

0:29:57.800 --> 0:30:00.000
<v Speaker 1>I mean, it really does. Okay, But we I think

0:30:00.000 --> 0:30:01.800
<v Speaker 1>I think, even though this has been mostly about men

0:30:01.920 --> 0:30:05.880
<v Speaker 1>understanding women, I think we do need to just really briefly,

0:30:05.920 --> 0:30:08.120
<v Speaker 1>as we close, we only have a couple of minutes here,

0:30:08.680 --> 0:30:12.040
<v Speaker 1>what we need to think about what women need to

0:30:12.160 --> 0:30:17.880
<v Speaker 1>understand about men now that you know we know this difference,

0:30:18.760 --> 0:30:24.000
<v Speaker 1>because I think maybe one thing that we need to

0:30:24.040 --> 0:30:27.000
<v Speaker 1>set aside is this idea like he just doesn't.

0:30:26.800 --> 0:30:30.200
<v Speaker 2>Care if I were dismissive, right, So if I do say, look,

0:30:30.400 --> 0:30:32.040
<v Speaker 2>you can't do anything about it.

0:30:32.040 --> 0:30:34.960
<v Speaker 1>Yes, right, like that can feel like I said, it

0:30:35.000 --> 0:30:37.920
<v Speaker 1>can feel a bit dismissive, like he doesn't he doesn't

0:30:37.960 --> 0:30:39.840
<v Speaker 1>care about this thing that'sun.

0:30:39.840 --> 0:30:42.040
<v Speaker 2>And the guy is kind of thinking, look, I'm just

0:30:42.080 --> 0:30:45.760
<v Speaker 2>trying to help her get happy right now exactly.

0:30:47.480 --> 0:30:50.960
<v Speaker 1>And so I think for for us as women, what

0:30:51.000 --> 0:30:55.280
<v Speaker 1>we need to do is basically don't assume that in

0:30:55.360 --> 0:30:57.960
<v Speaker 1>any way that he's not caring. It's usually the opposite,

0:30:58.040 --> 0:31:01.200
<v Speaker 1>like that he actually is trying to help. He just

0:31:01.280 --> 0:31:06.360
<v Speaker 1>didn't realize this difference. So Okay, So to wrap all

0:31:06.400 --> 0:31:10.360
<v Speaker 1>this up. We always you know, end one, you know,

0:31:10.480 --> 0:31:15.280
<v Speaker 1>big takeaway? What do you think if we say what's

0:31:15.280 --> 0:31:18.600
<v Speaker 1>our what's our one big takeaway that we want to

0:31:18.640 --> 0:31:23.840
<v Speaker 1>say with every episode? What's this one? I? Okay, I'm

0:31:23.880 --> 0:31:27.480
<v Speaker 1>just going to say, guys, recognize that you have this

0:31:27.560 --> 0:31:33.680
<v Speaker 1>opportunity to be your wife's hero by switching when you

0:31:33.720 --> 0:31:36.440
<v Speaker 1>want to say just don't think about it, switching it

0:31:36.520 --> 0:31:39.680
<v Speaker 1>to say is this an open window? Is there something

0:31:39.680 --> 0:31:40.760
<v Speaker 1>that would make you feel better?

0:31:42.520 --> 0:31:45.960
<v Speaker 2>And then I mean, gosh, if you then take the

0:31:46.000 --> 0:31:49.280
<v Speaker 2>next step guy and say is there something that I

0:31:49.360 --> 0:31:52.960
<v Speaker 2>can actually do? As opposed to saying you know, hey,

0:31:53.000 --> 0:31:56.520
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to encourage you to do something? Is there

0:31:56.600 --> 0:32:02.480
<v Speaker 2>something that me as the guy can can? I can? I?

0:32:02.560 --> 0:32:05.240
<v Speaker 2>You know, I've been through this situation with a colleague

0:32:05.320 --> 0:32:09.880
<v Speaker 2>once before. You know, here's how I wrote something to them.

0:32:10.000 --> 0:32:11.640
<v Speaker 2>It's just for a starting point for you.

0:32:12.000 --> 0:32:17.800
<v Speaker 1>OO very exciting like this, this concept of is there

0:32:17.800 --> 0:32:20.480
<v Speaker 1>something that would make you feel better? And is that

0:32:20.680 --> 0:32:22.520
<v Speaker 1>something that is there something I.

0:32:22.480 --> 0:32:23.600
<v Speaker 2>Can do participate in?

0:32:23.720 --> 0:32:26.080
<v Speaker 1>That I can participate in? And that's even more now

0:32:26.120 --> 0:32:30.840
<v Speaker 1>we do have to be realistic about this, but hey,

0:32:30.960 --> 0:32:34.120
<v Speaker 1>that that opens up some opportunities In some cases, I

0:32:34.160 --> 0:32:37.360
<v Speaker 1>would think where it's something simple like you know, you're

0:32:37.360 --> 0:32:39.800
<v Speaker 1>going to the movie and you're worried that you didn't

0:32:39.800 --> 0:32:43.000
<v Speaker 1>close the garage door. You know, would something make you

0:32:43.000 --> 0:32:44.360
<v Speaker 1>feel better? Yes?

0:32:44.720 --> 0:32:44.920
<v Speaker 2>You know?

0:32:45.240 --> 0:32:47.720
<v Speaker 1>Okay, do you want me to call the neighbors across

0:32:47.720 --> 0:32:50.840
<v Speaker 1>the street? I can ask whether the garage door is closed,

0:32:50.960 --> 0:32:53.600
<v Speaker 1>right to look out the window and see. And that's

0:32:53.600 --> 0:32:56.640
<v Speaker 1>something a guy could do. That's like a pretty big deal.

0:32:56.680 --> 0:32:59.959
<v Speaker 2>In all of these things that we've discussed over all

0:33:00.200 --> 0:33:04.360
<v Speaker 2>of these podcasts, most of these things are not heavy lifts. Yeah,

0:33:04.400 --> 0:33:07.880
<v Speaker 2>that really isn't a big deal for the guy to

0:33:07.920 --> 0:33:09.080
<v Speaker 2>be able to offer.

0:33:09.120 --> 0:33:14.000
<v Speaker 1>But it shows an attentiveness right to how the other

0:33:14.120 --> 0:33:18.200
<v Speaker 1>person is right. So I hope this was helpful. We're

0:33:18.200 --> 0:33:20.320
<v Speaker 1>going to say, if you are not a subscriber to

0:33:20.360 --> 0:33:24.360
<v Speaker 1>our podcast, please subscribe. If you think others would benefit,

0:33:24.440 --> 0:33:28.240
<v Speaker 1>please share today's episode and tag us on all your

0:33:28.280 --> 0:33:33.120
<v Speaker 1>social media channels. Thanks for listening to I wish you

0:33:33.160 --> 0:33:36.600
<v Speaker 1>could hear this. Remember to subscribe to our podcast, and

0:33:36.720 --> 0:33:41.000
<v Speaker 1>as always, forward today's audio or video link to a friend, counselor,

0:33:41.120 --> 0:33:47.240
<v Speaker 1>or pastor who would be encouraged. I just want to

0:33:47.280 --> 0:33:50.000
<v Speaker 1>take a second to thank the team at life Audio

0:33:50.120 --> 0:33:53.120
<v Speaker 1>for their partnership with us on the podcast. If you

0:33:53.240 --> 0:33:56.360
<v Speaker 1>go to lifeaudio dot com, you will find dozens of

0:33:56.400 --> 0:33:59.840
<v Speaker 1>other faith centered podcasts in their network. They've got shows

0:33:59.840 --> 0:34:03.240
<v Speaker 1>about prayer, Bible study, parenting, and more.