Speaker 1: Life Audio. Welcome to I Wish You could Hear This,
Speaker 1: where we explore great stories and simple, proven steps to
Speaker 1: help you thrive in life, faith, and relationships.
Speaker 2: In our research, we've heard hundreds of Hopefield strategies for marriage, parenting, leadership,
Speaker 2: and life that are grounded in science and consistent with
Speaker 2: biblical truth, and now you can hear them too.
Speaker 1: I'm Shaunty Felton.
Speaker 2: And I'm Jeff Felton.
Speaker 1: Men, have you ever felt frustrated when something is bugging
Speaker 1: your wife or your girlfriend, like maybe she's worried that
Speaker 1: a friend is upset with her and she keeps bringing
Speaker 1: it up and seems, in your thoughts to unable to
Speaker 1: let it go. Well, there is a reason for that,
Speaker 1: and it is related to her brainwiring. And in this episode,
Speaker 1: we're going to show you how understanding your wife or
Speaker 1: your girlfriend in this way can give you the opportunity
Speaker 1: to go from being kind of fresh to being an
Speaker 1: absolute hero in her eyes and women, this episode, I
Speaker 1: hope will also unlock for you what he might not
Speaker 1: understand and show you, guys, how to get on the
Speaker 1: same page.
Speaker 2: So I'm excited to talk about this topic. You know,
Speaker 2: when we were first doing a lot of our research
Speaker 2: for the book that was became four Men Only Helping
Speaker 2: Men Understand Women. This particular topic felt like a little
Speaker 2: bit of a secondary topic to me.
Speaker 1: Kind of Yeah, like we thought, you know, it's not
Speaker 1: quite as important. It's interesting, but it's not quite as right.
Speaker 2: I guess we were kind of wrong. You were very wrong,
Speaker 2: because at our events, men and women both will come
Speaker 2: up and go, wow, that really made sense to me.
Speaker 2: That really opened up my eyes to a number of
Speaker 2: things about what my spouse was thinking.
Speaker 1: Well, I didn't even realize as a woman, the things
Speaker 1: that were sort of going on in my head. This
Speaker 1: was very liberating in a lot of ways.
Speaker 2: Because we live in our own heads. We don't know
Speaker 2: what other people, what is natural for other people, So
Speaker 2: why don't we give an illustration.
Speaker 1: I was just going to say, tell them the word picture. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So, if we think of our brains as being a
Speaker 2: computer desktop, think of your computer desktop. When we're talking
Speaker 2: about how men process through thoughts, feelings, emotions. Correct most men,
Speaker 2: it's as if on our computer we have one window open.
Speaker 1: At a time, one thought.
Speaker 2: We work on it. We work on it, do whatever
Speaker 2: is necessary to get it to the point where we
Speaker 2: feel like the task has been completed, the thought is finished,
Speaker 2: we click the X make it go away, and then
Speaker 2: open up the next feeling, thought, emotion, et cetera, and
Speaker 2: we work through that one. And it's very sequential. But
Speaker 2: for us guys, we'd say very efficient in doing things
Speaker 2: that way. Now, our wives, their brains operate a little
Speaker 2: differently then than us guys. So their desktop, it's as
Speaker 2: if when it comes to thoughts, feelings, emotions, they've got
Speaker 2: ten windows open at the same time, and they are
Speaker 2: toggling between all ten seemingly twenty at the same Yeah,
Speaker 2: at the same time.
Speaker 1: Right, Yes, lots of thoughts, lots of feelings swirling in
Speaker 1: our minds.
Speaker 2: And then it's almost like, I don't know how else
Speaker 2: to say it, but it's almost like their desktop has
Speaker 2: been infected with a sort of virus because another window
Speaker 2: pops up on that desktop that they don't want.
Speaker 1: There, worry about what's going on with the kids.
Speaker 2: Correct or whatever, and so they click the X to
Speaker 2: make it go away, and it does, and then it
Speaker 2: pops right back up, and they click the X to
Speaker 2: make it go away and it pops back up. Yep,
Speaker 2: So what's going on here?
Speaker 1: With that. So here is the thing for you guys
Speaker 1: to be aware, for the men to know is that
Speaker 1: And I'm assuming you're talking about like what's going on
Speaker 1: with the brain wiring?
Speaker 2: Correct, Is that what you're asking?
Speaker 1: Okay, So, because here's the thing. Now, obviously we say
Speaker 1: a lot of times there's exceptions to this, this is
Speaker 1: this is very much in general the male brain and
Speaker 1: the female brain. And I can talk a little bit
Speaker 1: more later if you want about I actually have interviewed
Speaker 1: some neuroscientists about this whole thing to try to make
Speaker 1: sure that we're being accurate. But basically, what's going on
Speaker 1: is that the male brain is literally wired differently in
Speaker 1: most cases than the female brain. Literally, if you look
Speaker 1: at some of the different scans that are done, some
Speaker 1: neuroscientists are like, it's almost like you're looking at the
Speaker 1: brains of two different species. Like they're that the wiring
Speaker 1: and the connections is literally that different, and there is
Speaker 1: a reason for this different way of processing thoughts and
Speaker 1: worries and emotions and all that because for men, well,
Speaker 1: let me say for women, women have tons of connections
Speaker 1: between the hemispheres of the brain, So inter hemisphere connections
Speaker 1: going back and forth and back and forth, and lots
Speaker 1: of connections just in general and the verbal centers and
Speaker 1: just there's a lot of a lot going on that
Speaker 1: basically allows a lot of fast, kind of surface level processing.
Speaker 1: And it's all very open window ish, right like, So
Speaker 1: ten windows open at a time is not overwhelming, No,
Speaker 1: it's well, it can't it can be, but that's what
Speaker 1: our brains are designed for. Men's brain because there's a
Speaker 1: lot of processing capacity. Men's brains are literally when you
Speaker 1: talk about being compartmentalized that that's not just a pop
Speaker 1: culture reference, although it is. There's actually some physics behind that,
Speaker 1: some physiology. We're in the male brain. There are more
Speaker 1: modular connections within each hemisphere of the brain and not
Speaker 1: as many connections between the hemispheres of the brain, and
Speaker 1: there's a different structure to it's called the corpus closim
Speaker 1: which is kind of a super highway between the hemispheres.
Speaker 1: There's basically some differences that basically make it easier and
Speaker 1: more natural for a man to think about one thing
Speaker 1: deeply at a time and work on that very deeply,
Speaker 1: and then you're done with that and then move on
Speaker 1: to the next thing. And so there's actually physiological reasons
Speaker 1: for what we see when men and women have this
Speaker 1: different ways of processing these worries or these emotions that
Speaker 1: especially the ones they don't want there.
Speaker 2: You know, it's so interesting when I think about the
Speaker 2: clicking the X and making the window go away. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I think about some of the times in the events
Speaker 2: where I've shared how you and I perhaps have had
Speaker 2: a disagreement over coffee in the morning, and I then
Speaker 2: realize and the disagreement hasn't.
Speaker 1: Been results, and it's and it's a very emotional.
Speaker 2: And then I realize I've got a client meeting that
Speaker 2: I have to get to, so I excuse myself and
Speaker 2: I get in my car as I'm driving down, you know,
Speaker 2: out of our neighborhood, and this is what I always
Speaker 2: ask the guys in the audience, I say, what happens
Speaker 2: to that thought? As I drive away from our house
Speaker 2: and almost everywhere all.
Speaker 1: The guys go. And if you're not looking at this
Speaker 1: on YouTube, you can't see that. I just went my
Speaker 1: hand over my head like gone, gone whatever.
Speaker 2: I'm in work mode, and you know, I've clicked the
Speaker 2: X and made that go away. And then I say,
Speaker 2: you know, if I'm honest, when I come home, I'm
Speaker 2: hoping you did the same thing, and you respond.
Speaker 1: And I always ask the women in the events. I'm
Speaker 1: always say late, and all of the women shake their
Speaker 1: head and go nope.
Speaker 2: And and that's because of this unique wiring, right.
Speaker 1: Yes it is. It's because of the fact of an
Speaker 1: open window has just popped up, and.
Speaker 2: The open window is the worry that are we going
Speaker 2: to be?
Speaker 1: Are we going to be okay? Like are not? Are
Speaker 1: we going to be okay? Like there's a divorce in
Speaker 1: the offing? No, it's like just are we okay? Right?
Speaker 1: Like it's just is it what's going on? I feel
Speaker 1: all stirred up? Like it feels bad? Are we okay?
Speaker 2: How mad is he gonna stay? How long is he
Speaker 2: gonna go?
Speaker 1: Like this is this going to be a beginning of
Speaker 1: a season of not doing so well and not enjoying
Speaker 1: being together for the next few weeks because now I
Speaker 1: did something or he did something and he's in a mood.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's just your brain goes in all these
Speaker 1: different directions. And that's part of what we mean when
Speaker 1: we talk about the windows, Like it's all these different ideas,
Speaker 1: these different thoughts, these are different worries now pop up,
Speaker 1: and so now we're like, oh my gosh, you know,
Speaker 1: so for example, if you drive away and you're upset,
Speaker 1: you know you're going to the client meeting. And now, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to work on my day. I have work
Speaker 1: I have to do. I have stuff, you know, phone
Speaker 1: calls to do in meetings I have to have. But
Speaker 1: that thought of that argument keeps popping back up, and
Speaker 1: candidly it now has a host of baby thoughts around
Speaker 1: it because oh, gosh, you know, we're supposed to be
Speaker 1: going out to dinner with another couple tonight. Is he
Speaker 1: going to be in the mood for that? Or hey,
Speaker 1: we have a marriage event that we have to go
Speaker 1: to tomorrow. And every every marriage author has we've all
Speaker 1: compared notes of We've all all of us, one hundred
Speaker 1: percent of us have had those instances where we are
Speaker 1: driving up to the venue and furious with each other
Speaker 1: and then you have to go stand on stage and
Speaker 1: smile and like share.
Speaker 2: Fortunately, that is it's common, right, but it does to everybody.
Speaker 2: So this isn't just deserved to us you and me.
Speaker 2: I mean as far as a husband and a wife
Speaker 2: in a relationship, this kind of open window thing can
Speaker 2: come up with any sort of anything.
Speaker 1: So relationships, it's about anything.
Speaker 2: So let's just give another quick example. So let's just
Speaker 2: say that you come home, we're getting ready to go
Speaker 2: out on a trip, and you say, as we're getting
Speaker 2: ready to leave, you're saying, you know what, I think
Speaker 2: one of my colleagues misinterpreted something I said. I think
Speaker 2: I hurt their feelings or maybe they hurt yours. It
Speaker 2: just feels unsettled, and yet you're not able to meet
Speaker 2: with them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, gone, gone.
Speaker 2: And so you've brought that up maybe a few times.
Speaker 2: And then if me like the typical guy, I oftentimes
Speaker 2: will respond with what I think is the best possible advice,
Speaker 2: and that is, look, there's nothing you can do about it, babe,
Speaker 2: so just don't think about it. Oh to be you,
Speaker 2: Oh to be me, so brilliant, so so helpful.
Speaker 1: It's so helpful, and so guys think it is helpful.
Speaker 1: And I'm just telling the guys out there. I can't
Speaker 1: remember what the number is. I should have looked it
Speaker 1: up before we started, but it's something like eighty seven
Speaker 1: percent or something of women are like you're saying.
Speaker 2: Click the X and make it go and make it
Speaker 2: go away.
Speaker 1: And we can't do that. It is not actually helpful advice.
Speaker 1: And we and we actually don't even know what you're
Speaker 1: talking about, Like I've never been able to really do that,
Speaker 1: and so I don't kind of know what you mean by.
Speaker 2: That, but you understand that it apparently can be done.
Speaker 1: Apparently it can be done, but it's very fortun to us.
Speaker 2: So I guess let's let's unpack a few things here. One,
Speaker 2: let's unpack what a guy could do instead, right, But
Speaker 2: I would actually love to know whether or not this
Speaker 2: is just kind of unique to us, you know, or
Speaker 2: is it more male female brain differences? And you had
Speaker 2: talked to a number of neuros.
Speaker 1: Science did I did so? And I'm gonna actually explain
Speaker 1: this from the beginning here. So I talked to a
Speaker 1: number of neuroscientists about this. There's been a bunch of
Speaker 1: different neuroscientific studies. I'm going to put in the show
Speaker 1: notes a link to an article or two by Reuben
Speaker 1: and Rachel Gerr, who are eminent neuroscientists that have studied
Speaker 1: the male and the female brain. And so basically from
Speaker 1: the beginning here here is kind of a simp This
Speaker 1: is very simplistic. I'm just going to tell you any
Speaker 1: neuroscientists listening to this, I apologize as in advance that
Speaker 1: this is oversimplified. But basically, think of when you're talking
Speaker 1: about these windows and how difficult it is for men
Speaker 1: for women to close out those things that are bothering them,
Speaker 1: where it's a little more easy for men to do that.
Speaker 1: There's there's some wiring reasons for that. So if you
Speaker 1: think of the two hemispheres of the brain, so like
Speaker 1: two fists that are are put together, that's kind of
Speaker 1: the size of the brain basically, right, And in between
Speaker 1: the two hemispheres the women's a woman's brain. There's tons
Speaker 1: of connections that run between the hemispheres, and there's a
Speaker 1: different structure in what's called the corpus colosum, which is
Speaker 1: sort of a super highway between the hemispheres. Basically, there's
Speaker 1: just a lot of networking cables that are just running everywhere,
Speaker 1: and there's just processing everywhere and everything is it creates
Speaker 1: this open these all these open windows, and you can
Speaker 1: process and think, and our brains are wired to process
Speaker 1: all this emotion and everything all at the same time. Okay, Now,
Speaker 1: a man's brain, if you think of the two hemispheres.
Speaker 1: There aren't as many connections between the hemispheres. The corpus
Speaker 1: colosum is structured quite differently, and and the way that
Speaker 1: the studies have found the men's brains, it's more like
Speaker 1: within each hemisphere of the brain, there are more connections
Speaker 1: within the hemisphere, so it's more modular. Like when you
Speaker 1: talk about guy's brains being compartmentalized, there's actually a physiological
Speaker 1: reason behind that because of these more modular connections. And
Speaker 1: so basically another way of thinking about it is think
Speaker 1: of a woman's a man's brain, as he's more able
Speaker 1: to do one thing at a time really well, and
Speaker 1: she's able to process a lot at a surface level.
Speaker 1: It's almost like and if you especially look at the
Speaker 1: corpus colosum, and there's more grain matter that is more compartmentalized.
Speaker 1: Again for the men, it's almost like you have those
Speaker 1: giant Cray supercomputers, those ones that can do like trillions
Speaker 1: of calculations per second for you know, the space agencies
Speaker 1: and you know that kind of stuff. And for a
Speaker 1: man's brain, it's almost like you have these isolated Cray supercomputers.
Speaker 1: So like think of it as three isolated Cray supercomputers
Speaker 1: that are sitting there, and it goes in. For a man,
Speaker 1: it goes to the thought, the feeling, the worry, It
Speaker 1: goes into the supercomputer and he processes it very different,
Speaker 1: so very thoroughly.
Speaker 2: So as I'm understanding this, one of those Cray supercomputers
Speaker 2: is engaged yes doing yes, so, and then the other
Speaker 2: two are ready.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is obviously way of space, but they're they're
Speaker 1: sitting there waiting, And so he goes very deep into
Speaker 1: whatever that thing is that he is processing that one thing,
Speaker 1: and it processes all the way through and then he's done,
Speaker 1: and then there's like one network cable connecting to the
Speaker 1: next supercomputer, and he goes into the next thought or
Speaker 1: the next emotion or the next worry or whatever it is.
Speaker 1: And it's just very one thing at a time, very deeply.
Speaker 1: The woman's brain is more like ten million personal computers,
Speaker 1: all networked together and all running at the same time.
Speaker 1: And so you're processing a ton really quickly at a
Speaker 1: very surface level, and you go deeper and deeper and
Speaker 1: deeper in layers. Now, Okay, I that is obviously oversimplified,
Speaker 1: but literally, like I spoke to I interviewed an eminent
Speaker 1: neuroscientist on this who asked not to be named because
Speaker 1: this particular neuroscientist has studied men's and women's brains for
Speaker 1: years and wants to avoid being controversial. If any you know,
Speaker 1: anyone who talks about male and female differences, this person
Speaker 1: just wants to have the science. And so it's like great,
Speaker 1: Like I really respect that anyway, But this person has
Speaker 1: published extensively and is extremely well known and well respected
Speaker 1: in this arena. So anyway, I spoke with this person
Speaker 1: who has a very big brain and was trying to,
Speaker 1: you know, explain things in a way I with my little,
Speaker 1: my layman brain, could understand. And I said, you know,
Speaker 1: let me tell you what I think I'm hearing. And
Speaker 1: I gave this example of the ten million personal computers
Speaker 1: and the three isolated Cray supercomputers, and this this neuroscientist
Speaker 1: was like, oh gosh, no, you know that's way oversimplified.
Speaker 1: It's it's really not that, it's this, and tried to
Speaker 1: explain it again. I'm like, I'm so sorry, I'm not
Speaker 1: understanding what you're saying. Can you give me another more
Speaker 1: of a layman's example, And this person tried again, and finally,
Speaker 1: after they tried like two or three times, they said,
Speaker 1: you know what, just go with yours. Just go with
Speaker 1: your example, because that's as close.
Speaker 2: As you're going to get to the average person.
Speaker 1: Yes, exactly. But but the bottom line when we're talking
Speaker 1: about these open windows, this is the reason for it.
Speaker 1: It's the way God wired our brains.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So so here's because we spend all our time
Speaker 2: in our own brains and we think that you can
Speaker 2: do just what we do.
Speaker 1: Yes, just don't think about it.
Speaker 2: So when when you come home and you say that, look,
Speaker 2: I think there was a I have an issue with
Speaker 2: a colleague. Yeah, and I don't know how to resolve
Speaker 2: it because we're not going to be sitting down together
Speaker 2: for the next two weeks.
Speaker 1: And this open window keeps correct.
Speaker 2: And I offer you that that great advice, which is, look,
Speaker 2: just don't think about it. How does that make you
Speaker 2: feel very dismissed?
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it doesn't.
Speaker 2: It doesn't help because I'm not trying at least, perhaps
Speaker 2: if I'm honest with my sometimes I want to just
Speaker 2: move on.
Speaker 1: I just say that, right, But being being more generous
Speaker 1: to the average the average husband who just he just
Speaker 1: wants to leap his wife.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing. The reality is, because she can't think,
Speaker 1: she can't not think about it, in most cases, it's
Speaker 1: going to keep popping up. That window is gonna stay there,
Speaker 1: bugging her until she could take some action to address it.
Speaker 1: And instead of and I'll just can we just give
Speaker 1: a practical.
Speaker 2: Because because what we've just discussed might be those kind
Speaker 2: of rare occurrences where something you know, the colleague offended,
Speaker 2: all all of those sorts of things that may not
Speaker 2: be a day to day type thing.
Speaker 1: Well, I don't know, I mean that I can let
Speaker 1: me give you an example of a day to day
Speaker 1: practical solution for that. So, so here's the thing. She
Speaker 1: keeps bringing it up. You think, you know, just don't
Speaker 1: think about it. Now, you know that's not an option, right, Like,
Speaker 1: let's just say you're on vacation for the next week.
Speaker 1: Is she going to really enjoy the vacation? Right? Like?
Speaker 1: That is gonna be there bugging her, right because it's
Speaker 1: a it's an issue, right, So now you know, well,
Speaker 1: it's gonna it's gonna be there as a as a
Speaker 1: little thorn. The you know, it's like a like a
Speaker 1: splinter or like a rock in your shoe while you're
Speaker 1: on vacation. So instead of kind of and guys, I
Speaker 1: know you don't mean to do this, but instead of
Speaker 1: kind of making her feel foolish for needing to do
Speaker 1: something to feel better, encourage her, like, look, I know
Speaker 1: that you're not gonna be able to sit down with her, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, the colleague for the next week while we're
Speaker 1: gone on vacation. Is there something here that would make
Speaker 1: you feel better? Well? Yeah, Like, I feel like maybe
Speaker 1: I should just email her and just say, you know,
Speaker 1: I feel I felt like we left on a weird note.
Speaker 1: And you know you work so hard on this project
Speaker 1: and I didn't mean to criticize, but I felt like
Speaker 1: you said, whatever, Can we talk about this when I
Speaker 1: get back from the vacation.
Speaker 2: In me as the guy, I could perhaps even offer, look,
Speaker 2: if you want to bounce that email off of me
Speaker 2: before you yeah, there you go, before before.
Speaker 1: You send it. Yeah exactly. That that is essentially not
Speaker 1: making her feel foolish for needing to do something to
Speaker 1: close the window basically and make herself feel better, and
Speaker 1: instead encourage it. And here's the thing, Oh man, guys,
Speaker 1: if you will just like next time you want to
Speaker 1: say just don't think about it, like if you will
Speaker 1: stop yourself from saying that and instead say, you know,
Speaker 1: is this an open window? Is there something bugging you?
Speaker 1: And you can use that language right, well, yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean now that, I mean seriously now, we use it
Speaker 1: a lot of other people use it because it's like
Speaker 1: a really evocative of word picture. Is there something that
Speaker 1: would make you feel better here? And maybe there is,
Speaker 1: maybe there isn't, right, but if you could just switch
Speaker 1: it away from just don't think about it.
Speaker 2: So I think one of the challenges for guys is that,
Speaker 2: you know, we oftentimes all hear I just don't have
Speaker 2: a grid for that. I don't know what that kind
Speaker 2: of feels like. And if I could maybe understand a
Speaker 2: little better what the discomfort feels like, maybe then I
Speaker 2: could empathize and then be more kind of okay, a
Speaker 2: tune to how I could help or what I could do.
Speaker 2: And so we've come up again with another little word
Speaker 2: picture example, which I think guys have said is really
Speaker 2: really helpful to them. So here it is. So let's
Speaker 2: just say that it's Friday afternoon, You're sitting there in
Speaker 2: your cube, working away now, it hasn't been a good
Speaker 2: week for your company. They've lost their biggest account that
Speaker 2: was responsible for maybe, let's say, two percent of the
Speaker 2: company's revenues, and you actually were a project manager on
Speaker 2: that account. And your boss, on his way out the office,
Speaker 2: stops by your cube and says, hey, Jeff, I'm going
Speaker 2: to need to see in my office first thing Monday morning. Okay,
Speaker 2: i'll see you later.
Speaker 1: Have a good weekend.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And then you come home and you recount to
Speaker 2: your wife what has just happened, and she looks at
Speaker 2: you and says, well, gosh, I guess you're just gonna
Speaker 2: have to wait until Monday, and uh so, just don't
Speaker 2: think about it.
Speaker 1: How does that feel? Guys?
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, probably not so great. And I think for
Speaker 2: a guy, you'll go, oh, well, I guess I do
Speaker 2: have this possibility of a thought, a worry hitting my brain. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and it keeps coming back, even though I know that
Speaker 2: I can't do anything about it. For a few days.
Speaker 2: It's just really really bothering me.
Speaker 1: And so you know what an open window feels like.
Speaker 1: You haven't recognized how common it is for women correct
Speaker 1: the day.
Speaker 2: To day correct. We tend to result because look as guys.
Speaker 2: We've talked about this in our other podcasts about how
Speaker 2: us guys is our kind of insecurity at the center
Speaker 2: of us is oftentimes am I able? Am I any
Speaker 2: good at what I do on the outside?
Speaker 1: Am I any good at providing?
Speaker 2: Correct? So that career stuff, that provider stuff really hits
Speaker 2: us in a way that I know it hits you
Speaker 2: all too, But it feels particularly acute in that area.
Speaker 1: For Statistically it is we found for more more so
Speaker 1: for men.
Speaker 2: So is there another way that this scenario, this illustration
Speaker 2: could have ended.
Speaker 1: So, and this is one of the yes there is.
Speaker 1: And this is one of the things that we advise
Speaker 1: whenever we do a marriage event. It's one of the
Speaker 1: places that I see people go oh like they get
Speaker 1: clicks in because what we tell the guys is, imagine
Speaker 1: that that scenario ended just slightly differently. Imagine that your
Speaker 1: boss comes back by your cubicle. Now you're in turmoil,
Speaker 1: right like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be fired on
Speaker 1: Monday morning. And you come back and your boss comes
Speaker 1: back and says, you know, Jeff, I think I left
Speaker 1: you with the wrong impression. The reason that I need
Speaker 1: to see you Monday morning is that, yes, this has
Speaker 1: been a really rough week, but we've been cultivating another
Speaker 1: client and so I wanted I just on Monday, I
Speaker 1: want to make sure that you're available to work on
Speaker 1: this account as a project manager. And so suddenly what
Speaker 1: has happened is that he has that boss has reassured
Speaker 1: you in this area where you need reassurance and has
Speaker 1: helped you close a really significant open window. And we
Speaker 1: always tell guys, for most women, maybe not all, but
Speaker 1: for most women, there is no bigger open window than
Speaker 1: the relationship and the happiness of the marriage and what's
Speaker 1: going on with the family. And so again, if you're
Speaker 1: driving away and you're upset and now she's like all
Speaker 1: stirred up, like uh are we okay, that's a pretty
Speaker 1: significant open window. And so doing something before you leave
Speaker 1: to reassure her is huge because think about for you,
Speaker 1: as a guy, think about the gratitude that you feel
Speaker 1: for your boss coming back to reassure you. That's the
Speaker 1: same gratitude your wife feels for you when yeah, you're
Speaker 1: in the middle of an argument and things are emotions
Speaker 1: and tensions are high, but as you're about to if
Speaker 1: you were about to leave for client meeting. If you
Speaker 1: were to say, look, I'm I'm really angry. I can't
Speaker 1: even I can't think, I can't talk right now, but listen,
Speaker 1: we're okay. We'll talk about it tonight. Like, okay, we're okay.
Speaker 1: You've just reassured you've helped her close the window. There's
Speaker 1: gratitude for that.
Speaker 2: Okay, So let's shift a little bit about I'm trying
Speaker 2: to think of what some of the guys could be thinking,
Speaker 2: kind of maybe objections to solve this. Okay. So let's
Speaker 2: say that your wife has raised this kind of she's
Speaker 2: got an open window on a particular topic. And one
Speaker 2: it's it's you've weighed in and you've said I think
Speaker 2: you should do this, and what she really needs is
Speaker 2: a bit more processing to get through it. And but
Speaker 2: you feel like, well, I've told her that she can't
Speaker 2: do anything about it right now, so just not to
Speaker 2: think about it or whatever whatever the kind of advice is.
Speaker 2: And she appears that that doesn't work.
Speaker 1: For her, so like she doesn't appreciate my advice.
Speaker 2: Maybe, and so the guy could be thinking, well, she
Speaker 2: doesn't trust me my advice, she doesn't trust my judgment.
Speaker 2: That Look, the thing with your colleague is going to
Speaker 2: be fine. Don't worry about it. She's sensible. All of
Speaker 2: these things. Just put it out of your mind. And
Speaker 2: so the guy thinks, well, you know, I've been through
Speaker 2: these things in business before. She should trust me.
Speaker 1: And that's a very guy way of thinking about it.
Speaker 1: And now that you now hopefully that guys know this
Speaker 1: about some of this is physiological, the brainwiring. It really
Speaker 1: in most cases has literally nothing to do with whether
Speaker 1: she trusts you or not. It's not that she disagrees
Speaker 1: with your judgment. It's just that the window is going
Speaker 1: to keep right.
Speaker 2: So for the guy out there, this is not some
Speaker 2: grand judgment, no who you are as a man.
Speaker 1: No, she's just trying to close a window because its uncomfortable. Yes,
Speaker 1: and it's for a guy. You're thinking of it in
Speaker 1: your way because that is you live in a guy brain, right.
Speaker 1: But this is something that to some degree you're gonna
Speaker 1: have to trust your wife that this is her brain right,
Speaker 1: like this is her wiring, and work with it rather
Speaker 1: than against it. Because I will tell you, guys, if
Speaker 1: you will switch into this language of do you have
Speaker 1: an open window, is there something would make you feel better,
Speaker 1: like oh, my word, like this really is the simplest,
Speaker 1: almost stupidest little thing that really makes her feel loved.
Speaker 1: I mean, it really does. Okay, But we I think
Speaker 1: I think, even though this has been mostly about men
Speaker 1: understanding women, I think we do need to just really briefly,
Speaker 1: as we close, we only have a couple of minutes here,
Speaker 1: what we need to think about what women need to
Speaker 1: understand about men now that you know we know this difference,
Speaker 1: because I think maybe one thing that we need to
Speaker 1: set aside is this idea like he just doesn't.
Speaker 2: Care if I were dismissive, right, So if I do say, look,
Speaker 2: you can't do anything about it.
Speaker 1: Yes, right, like that can feel like I said, it
Speaker 1: can feel a bit dismissive, like he doesn't he doesn't
Speaker 1: care about this thing that'sun.
Speaker 2: And the guy is kind of thinking, look, I'm just
Speaker 2: trying to help her get happy right now exactly.
Speaker 1: And so I think for for us as women, what
Speaker 1: we need to do is basically don't assume that in
Speaker 1: any way that he's not caring. It's usually the opposite,
Speaker 1: like that he actually is trying to help. He just
Speaker 1: didn't realize this difference. So Okay, So to wrap all
Speaker 1: this up. We always you know, end one, you know,
Speaker 1: big takeaway? What do you think if we say what's
Speaker 1: our what's our one big takeaway that we want to
Speaker 1: say with every episode? What's this one? I? Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: just going to say, guys, recognize that you have this
Speaker 1: opportunity to be your wife's hero by switching when you
Speaker 1: want to say just don't think about it, switching it
Speaker 1: to say is this an open window? Is there something
Speaker 1: that would make you feel better?
Speaker 2: And then I mean, gosh, if you then take the
Speaker 2: next step guy and say is there something that I
Speaker 2: can actually do? As opposed to saying you know, hey,
Speaker 2: I'm going to encourage you to do something? Is there
Speaker 2: something that me as the guy can can? I can? I?
Speaker 2: You know, I've been through this situation with a colleague
Speaker 2: once before. You know, here's how I wrote something to them.
Speaker 2: It's just for a starting point for you.
Speaker 1: OO very exciting like this, this concept of is there
Speaker 1: something that would make you feel better? And is that
Speaker 1: something that is there something I.
Speaker 2: Can do participate in?
Speaker 1: That I can participate in? And that's even more now
Speaker 1: we do have to be realistic about this, but hey,
Speaker 1: that that opens up some opportunities In some cases, I
Speaker 1: would think where it's something simple like you know, you're
Speaker 1: going to the movie and you're worried that you didn't
Speaker 1: close the garage door. You know, would something make you
Speaker 1: feel better? Yes?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: Okay, do you want me to call the neighbors across
Speaker 1: the street? I can ask whether the garage door is closed,
Speaker 1: right to look out the window and see. And that's
Speaker 1: something a guy could do. That's like a pretty big deal.
Speaker 2: In all of these things that we've discussed over all
Speaker 2: of these podcasts, most of these things are not heavy lifts. Yeah,
Speaker 2: that really isn't a big deal for the guy to
Speaker 2: be able to offer.
Speaker 1: But it shows an attentiveness right to how the other
Speaker 1: person is right. So I hope this was helpful. We're
Speaker 1: going to say, if you are not a subscriber to
Speaker 1: our podcast, please subscribe. If you think others would benefit,
Speaker 1: please share today's episode and tag us on all your
Speaker 1: social media channels. Thanks for listening to I wish you
Speaker 1: could hear this. Remember to subscribe to our podcast, and
Speaker 1: as always, forward today's audio or video link to a friend, counselor,
Speaker 1: or pastor who would be encouraged. I just want to
Speaker 1: take a second to thank the team at life Audio
Speaker 1: for their partnership with us on the podcast. If you
Speaker 1: go to lifeaudio dot com, you will find dozens of
Speaker 1: other faith centered podcasts in their network. They've got shows
Speaker 1: about prayer, Bible study, parenting, and more.