1 00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Life Audio. Welcome to I Wish You could Hear This, 2 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:13,480 Speaker 1: where we explore great stories and simple, proven steps to 3 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,600 Speaker 1: help you thrive in life, faith, and relationships. 4 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 2: In our research, we've heard hundreds of Hopefield strategies for marriage, parenting, leadership, 5 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:24,919 Speaker 2: and life that are grounded in science and consistent with 6 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,560 Speaker 2: biblical truth, and now you can hear them too. 7 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:30,400 Speaker 1: I'm Shaunty Felton. 8 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,040 Speaker 2: And I'm Jeff Felton. 9 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:35,440 Speaker 1: Men, have you ever felt frustrated when something is bugging 10 00:00:35,479 --> 00:00:39,000 Speaker 1: your wife or your girlfriend, like maybe she's worried that 11 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,280 Speaker 1: a friend is upset with her and she keeps bringing 12 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:44,600 Speaker 1: it up and seems, in your thoughts to unable to 13 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 1: let it go. Well, there is a reason for that, 14 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:52,000 Speaker 1: and it is related to her brainwiring. And in this episode, 15 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,000 Speaker 1: we're going to show you how understanding your wife or 16 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:57,920 Speaker 1: your girlfriend in this way can give you the opportunity 17 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,600 Speaker 1: to go from being kind of fresh to being an 18 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 1: absolute hero in her eyes and women, this episode, I 19 00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:10,000 Speaker 1: hope will also unlock for you what he might not 20 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,320 Speaker 1: understand and show you, guys, how to get on the 21 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:13,000 Speaker 1: same page. 22 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,920 Speaker 2: So I'm excited to talk about this topic. You know, 23 00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:18,440 Speaker 2: when we were first doing a lot of our research 24 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:21,319 Speaker 2: for the book that was became four Men Only Helping 25 00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 2: Men Understand Women. This particular topic felt like a little 26 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:27,959 Speaker 2: bit of a secondary topic to me. 27 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:31,200 Speaker 1: Kind of Yeah, like we thought, you know, it's not 28 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,800 Speaker 1: quite as important. It's interesting, but it's not quite as right. 29 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:37,120 Speaker 2: I guess we were kind of wrong. You were very wrong, 30 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,960 Speaker 2: because at our events, men and women both will come 31 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:44,440 Speaker 2: up and go, wow, that really made sense to me. 32 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:47,280 Speaker 2: That really opened up my eyes to a number of 33 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,600 Speaker 2: things about what my spouse was thinking. 34 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:53,200 Speaker 1: Well, I didn't even realize as a woman, the things 35 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,120 Speaker 1: that were sort of going on in my head. This 36 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 1: was very liberating in a lot of ways. 37 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:01,080 Speaker 2: Because we live in our own heads. We don't know 38 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:04,240 Speaker 2: what other people, what is natural for other people, So 39 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 2: why don't we give an illustration. 40 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,440 Speaker 1: I was just going to say, tell them the word picture. Yeah. 41 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:13,160 Speaker 2: So, if we think of our brains as being a 42 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,840 Speaker 2: computer desktop, think of your computer desktop. When we're talking 43 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:23,760 Speaker 2: about how men process through thoughts, feelings, emotions. Correct most men, 44 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,959 Speaker 2: it's as if on our computer we have one window open. 45 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,880 Speaker 1: At a time, one thought. 46 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,440 Speaker 2: We work on it. We work on it, do whatever 47 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,079 Speaker 2: is necessary to get it to the point where we 48 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,520 Speaker 2: feel like the task has been completed, the thought is finished, 49 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:42,760 Speaker 2: we click the X make it go away, and then 50 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:47,360 Speaker 2: open up the next feeling, thought, emotion, et cetera, and 51 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:50,280 Speaker 2: we work through that one. And it's very sequential. But 52 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:54,400 Speaker 2: for us guys, we'd say very efficient in doing things 53 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:58,640 Speaker 2: that way. Now, our wives, their brains operate a little 54 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:03,720 Speaker 2: differently then than us guys. So their desktop, it's as 55 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:07,960 Speaker 2: if when it comes to thoughts, feelings, emotions, they've got 56 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:11,919 Speaker 2: ten windows open at the same time, and they are 57 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:17,120 Speaker 2: toggling between all ten seemingly twenty at the same Yeah, 58 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,200 Speaker 2: at the same time. 59 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:22,600 Speaker 1: Right, Yes, lots of thoughts, lots of feelings swirling in 60 00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:23,160 Speaker 1: our minds. 61 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:27,160 Speaker 2: And then it's almost like, I don't know how else 62 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,440 Speaker 2: to say it, but it's almost like their desktop has 63 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,760 Speaker 2: been infected with a sort of virus because another window 64 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:37,440 Speaker 2: pops up on that desktop that they don't want. 65 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:40,200 Speaker 1: There, worry about what's going on with the kids. 66 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:43,640 Speaker 2: Correct or whatever, and so they click the X to 67 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:47,520 Speaker 2: make it go away, and it does, and then it 68 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,120 Speaker 2: pops right back up, and they click the X to 69 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:52,720 Speaker 2: make it go away and it pops back up. Yep, 70 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,080 Speaker 2: So what's going on here? 71 00:03:55,400 --> 00:04:00,480 Speaker 1: With that. So here is the thing for you guys 72 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,680 Speaker 1: to be aware, for the men to know is that 73 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,600 Speaker 1: And I'm assuming you're talking about like what's going on 74 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:07,440 Speaker 1: with the brain wiring? 75 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,560 Speaker 2: Correct, Is that what you're asking? 76 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:12,760 Speaker 1: Okay, So, because here's the thing. Now, obviously we say 77 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,280 Speaker 1: a lot of times there's exceptions to this, this is 78 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,240 Speaker 1: this is very much in general the male brain and 79 00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:21,280 Speaker 1: the female brain. And I can talk a little bit 80 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,160 Speaker 1: more later if you want about I actually have interviewed 81 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:27,680 Speaker 1: some neuroscientists about this whole thing to try to make 82 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:31,840 Speaker 1: sure that we're being accurate. But basically, what's going on 83 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:37,560 Speaker 1: is that the male brain is literally wired differently in 84 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 1: most cases than the female brain. Literally, if you look 85 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,720 Speaker 1: at some of the different scans that are done, some 86 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,320 Speaker 1: neuroscientists are like, it's almost like you're looking at the 87 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:51,960 Speaker 1: brains of two different species. Like they're that the wiring 88 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:55,279 Speaker 1: and the connections is literally that different, and there is 89 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,719 Speaker 1: a reason for this different way of processing thoughts and 90 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:03,160 Speaker 1: worries and emotions and all that because for men, well, 91 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,880 Speaker 1: let me say for women, women have tons of connections 92 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:12,120 Speaker 1: between the hemispheres of the brain, So inter hemisphere connections 93 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:15,520 Speaker 1: going back and forth and back and forth, and lots 94 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:19,160 Speaker 1: of connections just in general and the verbal centers and 95 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,520 Speaker 1: just there's a lot of a lot going on that 96 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:28,360 Speaker 1: basically allows a lot of fast, kind of surface level processing. 97 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:32,480 Speaker 1: And it's all very open window ish, right like, So 98 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:37,080 Speaker 1: ten windows open at a time is not overwhelming, No, 99 00:05:37,279 --> 00:05:40,200 Speaker 1: it's well, it can't it can be, but that's what 100 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:43,080 Speaker 1: our brains are designed for. Men's brain because there's a 101 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:48,520 Speaker 1: lot of processing capacity. Men's brains are literally when you 102 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:53,000 Speaker 1: talk about being compartmentalized that that's not just a pop 103 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:57,440 Speaker 1: culture reference, although it is. There's actually some physics behind that, 104 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,840 Speaker 1: some physiology. We're in the male brain. There are more 105 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:07,120 Speaker 1: modular connections within each hemisphere of the brain and not 106 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:12,080 Speaker 1: as many connections between the hemispheres of the brain, and 107 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:15,599 Speaker 1: there's a different structure to it's called the corpus closim 108 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,000 Speaker 1: which is kind of a super highway between the hemispheres. 109 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:23,280 Speaker 1: There's basically some differences that basically make it easier and 110 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:27,760 Speaker 1: more natural for a man to think about one thing 111 00:06:27,839 --> 00:06:32,160 Speaker 1: deeply at a time and work on that very deeply, 112 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,400 Speaker 1: and then you're done with that and then move on 113 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:39,880 Speaker 1: to the next thing. And so there's actually physiological reasons 114 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:43,719 Speaker 1: for what we see when men and women have this 115 00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:47,640 Speaker 1: different ways of processing these worries or these emotions that 116 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,360 Speaker 1: especially the ones they don't want there. 117 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,719 Speaker 2: You know, it's so interesting when I think about the 118 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 2: clicking the X and making the window go away. Yeah, 119 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,560 Speaker 2: I think about some of the times in the events 120 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:02,520 Speaker 2: where I've shared how you and I perhaps have had 121 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:08,000 Speaker 2: a disagreement over coffee in the morning, and I then 122 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,920 Speaker 2: realize and the disagreement hasn't. 123 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,600 Speaker 1: Been results, and it's and it's a very emotional. 124 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,560 Speaker 2: And then I realize I've got a client meeting that 125 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,520 Speaker 2: I have to get to, so I excuse myself and 126 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:23,680 Speaker 2: I get in my car as I'm driving down, you know, 127 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,520 Speaker 2: out of our neighborhood, and this is what I always 128 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 2: ask the guys in the audience, I say, what happens 129 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:32,200 Speaker 2: to that thought? As I drive away from our house 130 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,320 Speaker 2: and almost everywhere all. 131 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:37,120 Speaker 1: The guys go. And if you're not looking at this 132 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 1: on YouTube, you can't see that. I just went my 133 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,840 Speaker 1: hand over my head like gone, gone whatever. 134 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,800 Speaker 2: I'm in work mode, and you know, I've clicked the 135 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 2: X and made that go away. And then I say, 136 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,640 Speaker 2: you know, if I'm honest, when I come home, I'm 137 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:56,680 Speaker 2: hoping you did the same thing, and you respond. 138 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,360 Speaker 1: And I always ask the women in the events. I'm 139 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,080 Speaker 1: always say late, and all of the women shake their 140 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:03,520 Speaker 1: head and go nope. 141 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,840 Speaker 2: And and that's because of this unique wiring, right. 142 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:12,720 Speaker 1: Yes it is. It's because of the fact of an 143 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 1: open window has just popped up, and. 144 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,360 Speaker 2: The open window is the worry that are we going 145 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:18,600 Speaker 2: to be? 146 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,560 Speaker 1: Are we going to be okay? Like are not? Are 147 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,840 Speaker 1: we going to be okay? Like there's a divorce in 148 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,560 Speaker 1: the offing? No, it's like just are we okay? Right? 149 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:29,000 Speaker 1: Like it's just is it what's going on? I feel 150 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 1: all stirred up? Like it feels bad? Are we okay? 151 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:33,920 Speaker 2: How mad is he gonna stay? How long is he 152 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 2: gonna go? 153 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:37,839 Speaker 1: Like this is this going to be a beginning of 154 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:42,600 Speaker 1: a season of not doing so well and not enjoying 155 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:45,840 Speaker 1: being together for the next few weeks because now I 156 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,200 Speaker 1: did something or he did something and he's in a mood. 157 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,199 Speaker 1: I mean, it's just your brain goes in all these 158 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,000 Speaker 1: different directions. And that's part of what we mean when 159 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,240 Speaker 1: we talk about the windows, Like it's all these different ideas, 160 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,000 Speaker 1: these different thoughts, these are different worries now pop up, 161 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,800 Speaker 1: and so now we're like, oh my gosh, you know, 162 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,360 Speaker 1: so for example, if you drive away and you're upset, 163 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,920 Speaker 1: you know you're going to the client meeting. And now, yeah, 164 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,280 Speaker 1: I'm trying to work on my day. I have work 165 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:11,959 Speaker 1: I have to do. I have stuff, you know, phone 166 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,080 Speaker 1: calls to do in meetings I have to have. But 167 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:19,240 Speaker 1: that thought of that argument keeps popping back up, and 168 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:23,720 Speaker 1: candidly it now has a host of baby thoughts around 169 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,439 Speaker 1: it because oh, gosh, you know, we're supposed to be 170 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,440 Speaker 1: going out to dinner with another couple tonight. Is he 171 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:30,320 Speaker 1: going to be in the mood for that? Or hey, 172 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,080 Speaker 1: we have a marriage event that we have to go 173 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:36,760 Speaker 1: to tomorrow. And every every marriage author has we've all 174 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:40,320 Speaker 1: compared notes of We've all all of us, one hundred 175 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,160 Speaker 1: percent of us have had those instances where we are 176 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:47,400 Speaker 1: driving up to the venue and furious with each other 177 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,400 Speaker 1: and then you have to go stand on stage and 178 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:52,040 Speaker 1: smile and like share. 179 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:57,720 Speaker 2: Fortunately, that is it's common, right, but it does to everybody. 180 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:02,400 Speaker 2: So this isn't just deserved to us you and me. 181 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,800 Speaker 2: I mean as far as a husband and a wife 182 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,120 Speaker 2: in a relationship, this kind of open window thing can 183 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,000 Speaker 2: come up with any sort of anything. 184 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:15,400 Speaker 1: So relationships, it's about anything. 185 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:19,120 Speaker 2: So let's just give another quick example. So let's just 186 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:23,120 Speaker 2: say that you come home, we're getting ready to go 187 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:27,000 Speaker 2: out on a trip, and you say, as we're getting 188 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,240 Speaker 2: ready to leave, you're saying, you know what, I think 189 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,199 Speaker 2: one of my colleagues misinterpreted something I said. I think 190 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,560 Speaker 2: I hurt their feelings or maybe they hurt yours. It 191 00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:40,200 Speaker 2: just feels unsettled, and yet you're not able to meet 192 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:40,719 Speaker 2: with them. 193 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, gone, gone. 194 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:46,040 Speaker 2: And so you've brought that up maybe a few times. 195 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:51,120 Speaker 2: And then if me like the typical guy, I oftentimes 196 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:57,000 Speaker 2: will respond with what I think is the best possible advice, 197 00:10:57,679 --> 00:11:01,280 Speaker 2: and that is, look, there's nothing you can do about it, babe, 198 00:11:01,679 --> 00:11:07,000 Speaker 2: so just don't think about it. Oh to be you, 199 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,800 Speaker 2: Oh to be me, so brilliant, so so helpful. 200 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,080 Speaker 1: It's so helpful, and so guys think it is helpful. 201 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:16,320 Speaker 1: And I'm just telling the guys out there. I can't 202 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:17,839 Speaker 1: remember what the number is. I should have looked it 203 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,360 Speaker 1: up before we started, but it's something like eighty seven 204 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 1: percent or something of women are like you're saying. 205 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,600 Speaker 2: Click the X and make it go and make it 206 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:26,040 Speaker 2: go away. 207 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:31,720 Speaker 1: And we can't do that. It is not actually helpful advice. 208 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,360 Speaker 1: And we and we actually don't even know what you're 209 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:39,040 Speaker 1: talking about, Like I've never been able to really do that, 210 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,640 Speaker 1: and so I don't kind of know what you mean by. 211 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:46,959 Speaker 2: That, but you understand that it apparently can be done. 212 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:50,079 Speaker 1: Apparently it can be done, but it's very fortun to us. 213 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:54,400 Speaker 2: So I guess let's let's unpack a few things here. One, 214 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 2: let's unpack what a guy could do instead, right, But 215 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:03,360 Speaker 2: I would actually love to know whether or not this 216 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:07,720 Speaker 2: is just kind of unique to us, you know, or 217 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:12,640 Speaker 2: is it more male female brain differences? And you had 218 00:12:12,679 --> 00:12:14,840 Speaker 2: talked to a number of neuros. 219 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:19,960 Speaker 1: Science did I did so? And I'm gonna actually explain 220 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,840 Speaker 1: this from the beginning here. So I talked to a 221 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,560 Speaker 1: number of neuroscientists about this. There's been a bunch of 222 00:12:26,559 --> 00:12:30,400 Speaker 1: different neuroscientific studies. I'm going to put in the show 223 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:34,360 Speaker 1: notes a link to an article or two by Reuben 224 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:38,160 Speaker 1: and Rachel Gerr, who are eminent neuroscientists that have studied 225 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,760 Speaker 1: the male and the female brain. And so basically from 226 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:45,480 Speaker 1: the beginning here here is kind of a simp This 227 00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:47,600 Speaker 1: is very simplistic. I'm just going to tell you any 228 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:51,560 Speaker 1: neuroscientists listening to this, I apologize as in advance that 229 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:55,400 Speaker 1: this is oversimplified. But basically, think of when you're talking 230 00:12:55,400 --> 00:13:00,920 Speaker 1: about these windows and how difficult it is for men 231 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:04,600 Speaker 1: for women to close out those things that are bothering them, 232 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,320 Speaker 1: where it's a little more easy for men to do that. 233 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:11,120 Speaker 1: There's there's some wiring reasons for that. So if you 234 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,800 Speaker 1: think of the two hemispheres of the brain, so like 235 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:17,760 Speaker 1: two fists that are are put together, that's kind of 236 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:21,680 Speaker 1: the size of the brain basically, right, And in between 237 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:28,120 Speaker 1: the two hemispheres the women's a woman's brain. There's tons 238 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:33,160 Speaker 1: of connections that run between the hemispheres, and there's a 239 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,679 Speaker 1: different structure in what's called the corpus colosum, which is 240 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:39,440 Speaker 1: sort of a super highway between the hemispheres. Basically, there's 241 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:43,679 Speaker 1: just a lot of networking cables that are just running everywhere, 242 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:47,559 Speaker 1: and there's just processing everywhere and everything is it creates 243 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:51,520 Speaker 1: this open these all these open windows, and you can 244 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:55,000 Speaker 1: process and think, and our brains are wired to process 245 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:58,679 Speaker 1: all this emotion and everything all at the same time. Okay, Now, 246 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:02,079 Speaker 1: a man's brain, if you think of the two hemispheres. 247 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,080 Speaker 1: There aren't as many connections between the hemispheres. The corpus 248 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:11,040 Speaker 1: colosum is structured quite differently, and and the way that 249 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:14,880 Speaker 1: the studies have found the men's brains, it's more like 250 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:20,760 Speaker 1: within each hemisphere of the brain, there are more connections 251 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 1: within the hemisphere, so it's more modular. Like when you 252 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:30,000 Speaker 1: talk about guy's brains being compartmentalized, there's actually a physiological 253 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:33,840 Speaker 1: reason behind that because of these more modular connections. And 254 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:38,440 Speaker 1: so basically another way of thinking about it is think 255 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:45,520 Speaker 1: of a woman's a man's brain, as he's more able 256 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:48,800 Speaker 1: to do one thing at a time really well, and 257 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,480 Speaker 1: she's able to process a lot at a surface level. 258 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,400 Speaker 1: It's almost like and if you especially look at the 259 00:14:54,400 --> 00:15:00,880 Speaker 1: corpus colosum, and there's more grain matter that is more compartmentalized. 260 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,720 Speaker 1: Again for the men, it's almost like you have those 261 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:08,560 Speaker 1: giant Cray supercomputers, those ones that can do like trillions 262 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:12,560 Speaker 1: of calculations per second for you know, the space agencies 263 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:15,560 Speaker 1: and you know that kind of stuff. And for a 264 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:21,480 Speaker 1: man's brain, it's almost like you have these isolated Cray supercomputers. 265 00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:25,560 Speaker 1: So like think of it as three isolated Cray supercomputers 266 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,400 Speaker 1: that are sitting there, and it goes in. For a man, 267 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,520 Speaker 1: it goes to the thought, the feeling, the worry, It 268 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:35,120 Speaker 1: goes into the supercomputer and he processes it very different, 269 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:36,680 Speaker 1: so very thoroughly. 270 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:41,680 Speaker 2: So as I'm understanding this, one of those Cray supercomputers 271 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:46,880 Speaker 2: is engaged yes doing yes, so, and then the other 272 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,720 Speaker 2: two are ready. 273 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, this is obviously way of space, but they're they're 274 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,200 Speaker 1: sitting there waiting, And so he goes very deep into 275 00:15:56,280 --> 00:16:00,400 Speaker 1: whatever that thing is that he is processing that one thing, 276 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,880 Speaker 1: and it processes all the way through and then he's done, 277 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:08,880 Speaker 1: and then there's like one network cable connecting to the 278 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:12,720 Speaker 1: next supercomputer, and he goes into the next thought or 279 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,800 Speaker 1: the next emotion or the next worry or whatever it is. 280 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,760 Speaker 1: And it's just very one thing at a time, very deeply. 281 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:25,880 Speaker 1: The woman's brain is more like ten million personal computers, 282 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,440 Speaker 1: all networked together and all running at the same time. 283 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:34,080 Speaker 1: And so you're processing a ton really quickly at a 284 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,200 Speaker 1: very surface level, and you go deeper and deeper and 285 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:42,440 Speaker 1: deeper in layers. Now, Okay, I that is obviously oversimplified, 286 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:47,080 Speaker 1: but literally, like I spoke to I interviewed an eminent 287 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 1: neuroscientist on this who asked not to be named because 288 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:56,200 Speaker 1: this particular neuroscientist has studied men's and women's brains for 289 00:16:56,320 --> 00:17:00,920 Speaker 1: years and wants to avoid being controversial. If any you know, 290 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:04,160 Speaker 1: anyone who talks about male and female differences, this person 291 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,200 Speaker 1: just wants to have the science. And so it's like great, 292 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:10,160 Speaker 1: Like I really respect that anyway, But this person has 293 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:15,280 Speaker 1: published extensively and is extremely well known and well respected 294 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:18,440 Speaker 1: in this arena. So anyway, I spoke with this person 295 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,959 Speaker 1: who has a very big brain and was trying to, 296 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,439 Speaker 1: you know, explain things in a way I with my little, 297 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,960 Speaker 1: my layman brain, could understand. And I said, you know, 298 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,919 Speaker 1: let me tell you what I think I'm hearing. And 299 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:35,560 Speaker 1: I gave this example of the ten million personal computers 300 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:41,080 Speaker 1: and the three isolated Cray supercomputers, and this this neuroscientist 301 00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:44,119 Speaker 1: was like, oh gosh, no, you know that's way oversimplified. 302 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,359 Speaker 1: It's it's really not that, it's this, and tried to 303 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,399 Speaker 1: explain it again. I'm like, I'm so sorry, I'm not 304 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:52,880 Speaker 1: understanding what you're saying. Can you give me another more 305 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:57,600 Speaker 1: of a layman's example, And this person tried again, and finally, 306 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,480 Speaker 1: after they tried like two or three times, they said, 307 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,560 Speaker 1: you know what, just go with yours. Just go with 308 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,679 Speaker 1: your example, because that's as close. 309 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,639 Speaker 2: As you're going to get to the average person. 310 00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:13,680 Speaker 1: Yes, exactly. But but the bottom line when we're talking 311 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:18,480 Speaker 1: about these open windows, this is the reason for it. 312 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,600 Speaker 1: It's the way God wired our brains. 313 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:25,240 Speaker 2: Yeah. So so here's because we spend all our time 314 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:28,040 Speaker 2: in our own brains and we think that you can 315 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,200 Speaker 2: do just what we do. 316 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,159 Speaker 1: Yes, just don't think about it. 317 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,520 Speaker 2: So when when you come home and you say that, look, 318 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,480 Speaker 2: I think there was a I have an issue with 319 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,520 Speaker 2: a colleague. Yeah, and I don't know how to resolve 320 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,159 Speaker 2: it because we're not going to be sitting down together 321 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,119 Speaker 2: for the next two weeks. 322 00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:44,959 Speaker 1: And this open window keeps correct. 323 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,400 Speaker 2: And I offer you that that great advice, which is, look, 324 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,520 Speaker 2: just don't think about it. How does that make you 325 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,159 Speaker 2: feel very dismissed? 326 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, and it doesn't. 327 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:58,640 Speaker 2: It doesn't help because I'm not trying at least, perhaps 328 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,199 Speaker 2: if I'm honest with my sometimes I want to just 329 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:01,520 Speaker 2: move on. 330 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:07,200 Speaker 1: I just say that, right, But being being more generous 331 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:11,080 Speaker 1: to the average the average husband who just he just 332 00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:12,160 Speaker 1: wants to leap his wife. 333 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:12,400 Speaker 2: Right. 334 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:17,760 Speaker 1: But here's the thing. The reality is, because she can't think, 335 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,840 Speaker 1: she can't not think about it, in most cases, it's 336 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:24,239 Speaker 1: going to keep popping up. That window is gonna stay there, 337 00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:28,600 Speaker 1: bugging her until she could take some action to address it. 338 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,480 Speaker 1: And instead of and I'll just can we just give 339 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:32,800 Speaker 1: a practical. 340 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 2: Because because what we've just discussed might be those kind 341 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:41,520 Speaker 2: of rare occurrences where something you know, the colleague offended, 342 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,719 Speaker 2: all all of those sorts of things that may not 343 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,800 Speaker 2: be a day to day type thing. 344 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:49,120 Speaker 1: Well, I don't know, I mean that I can let 345 00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:50,639 Speaker 1: me give you an example of a day to day 346 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 1: practical solution for that. So, so here's the thing. She 347 00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:58,760 Speaker 1: keeps bringing it up. You think, you know, just don't 348 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:01,720 Speaker 1: think about it. Now, you know that's not an option, right, Like, 349 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,920 Speaker 1: let's just say you're on vacation for the next week. 350 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,399 Speaker 1: Is she going to really enjoy the vacation? Right? Like? 351 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,160 Speaker 1: That is gonna be there bugging her, right because it's 352 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:13,960 Speaker 1: a it's an issue, right, So now you know, well, 353 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,280 Speaker 1: it's gonna it's gonna be there as a as a 354 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,639 Speaker 1: little thorn. The you know, it's like a like a 355 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:21,040 Speaker 1: splinter or like a rock in your shoe while you're 356 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:26,119 Speaker 1: on vacation. So instead of kind of and guys, I 357 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:29,760 Speaker 1: know you don't mean to do this, but instead of 358 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:33,960 Speaker 1: kind of making her feel foolish for needing to do 359 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:40,200 Speaker 1: something to feel better, encourage her, like, look, I know 360 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,359 Speaker 1: that you're not gonna be able to sit down with her, uh, 361 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,920 Speaker 1: you know, the colleague for the next week while we're 362 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,640 Speaker 1: gone on vacation. Is there something here that would make 363 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:51,200 Speaker 1: you feel better? Well? Yeah, Like, I feel like maybe 364 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:54,720 Speaker 1: I should just email her and just say, you know, 365 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,439 Speaker 1: I feel I felt like we left on a weird note. 366 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,520 Speaker 1: And you know you work so hard on this project 367 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:03,720 Speaker 1: and I didn't mean to criticize, but I felt like 368 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,119 Speaker 1: you said, whatever, Can we talk about this when I 369 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:08,480 Speaker 1: get back from the vacation. 370 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:12,800 Speaker 2: In me as the guy, I could perhaps even offer, look, 371 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,960 Speaker 2: if you want to bounce that email off of me 372 00:21:15,119 --> 00:21:17,400 Speaker 2: before you yeah, there you go, before before. 373 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:22,359 Speaker 1: You send it. Yeah exactly. That that is essentially not 374 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:26,399 Speaker 1: making her feel foolish for needing to do something to 375 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:30,560 Speaker 1: close the window basically and make herself feel better, and 376 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:35,200 Speaker 1: instead encourage it. And here's the thing, Oh man, guys, 377 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:40,040 Speaker 1: if you will just like next time you want to 378 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,920 Speaker 1: say just don't think about it, like if you will 379 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:47,800 Speaker 1: stop yourself from saying that and instead say, you know, 380 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:51,120 Speaker 1: is this an open window? Is there something bugging you? 381 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,240 Speaker 1: And you can use that language right, well, yeah, I 382 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:57,159 Speaker 1: mean now that, I mean seriously now, we use it 383 00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,119 Speaker 1: a lot of other people use it because it's like 384 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:02,960 Speaker 1: a really evocative of word picture. Is there something that 385 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,840 Speaker 1: would make you feel better here? And maybe there is, 386 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:10,359 Speaker 1: maybe there isn't, right, but if you could just switch 387 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:13,680 Speaker 1: it away from just don't think about it. 388 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,160 Speaker 2: So I think one of the challenges for guys is that, 389 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:20,639 Speaker 2: you know, we oftentimes all hear I just don't have 390 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,880 Speaker 2: a grid for that. I don't know what that kind 391 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:26,600 Speaker 2: of feels like. And if I could maybe understand a 392 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:30,560 Speaker 2: little better what the discomfort feels like, maybe then I 393 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:34,760 Speaker 2: could empathize and then be more kind of okay, a 394 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,040 Speaker 2: tune to how I could help or what I could do. 395 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,440 Speaker 2: And so we've come up again with another little word 396 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,560 Speaker 2: picture example, which I think guys have said is really 397 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,920 Speaker 2: really helpful to them. So here it is. So let's 398 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,560 Speaker 2: just say that it's Friday afternoon, You're sitting there in 399 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,680 Speaker 2: your cube, working away now, it hasn't been a good 400 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:58,160 Speaker 2: week for your company. They've lost their biggest account that 401 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:00,639 Speaker 2: was responsible for maybe, let's say, two percent of the 402 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:05,120 Speaker 2: company's revenues, and you actually were a project manager on 403 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:10,360 Speaker 2: that account. And your boss, on his way out the office, 404 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:14,919 Speaker 2: stops by your cube and says, hey, Jeff, I'm going 405 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,400 Speaker 2: to need to see in my office first thing Monday morning. Okay, 406 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:19,280 Speaker 2: i'll see you later. 407 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:20,520 Speaker 1: Have a good weekend. 408 00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:27,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, And then you come home and you recount to 409 00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:31,159 Speaker 2: your wife what has just happened, and she looks at 410 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:34,119 Speaker 2: you and says, well, gosh, I guess you're just gonna 411 00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:37,120 Speaker 2: have to wait until Monday, and uh so, just don't 412 00:23:37,119 --> 00:23:37,719 Speaker 2: think about it. 413 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:40,240 Speaker 1: How does that feel? Guys? 414 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:44,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, well, probably not so great. And I think for 415 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:48,239 Speaker 2: a guy, you'll go, oh, well, I guess I do 416 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:54,359 Speaker 2: have this possibility of a thought, a worry hitting my brain. Yeah, 417 00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:57,960 Speaker 2: and it keeps coming back, even though I know that 418 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:01,359 Speaker 2: I can't do anything about it. For a few days. 419 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,119 Speaker 2: It's just really really bothering me. 420 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,520 Speaker 1: And so you know what an open window feels like. 421 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:11,000 Speaker 1: You haven't recognized how common it is for women correct 422 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:11,520 Speaker 1: the day. 423 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:15,840 Speaker 2: To day correct. We tend to result because look as guys. 424 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 2: We've talked about this in our other podcasts about how 425 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:24,520 Speaker 2: us guys is our kind of insecurity at the center 426 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:28,240 Speaker 2: of us is oftentimes am I able? Am I any 427 00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:30,760 Speaker 2: good at what I do on the outside? 428 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:32,240 Speaker 1: Am I any good at providing? 429 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:38,000 Speaker 2: Correct? So that career stuff, that provider stuff really hits 430 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,040 Speaker 2: us in a way that I know it hits you 431 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:45,000 Speaker 2: all too, But it feels particularly acute in that area. 432 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:49,440 Speaker 1: For Statistically it is we found for more more so 433 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:49,960 Speaker 1: for men. 434 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:54,320 Speaker 2: So is there another way that this scenario, this illustration 435 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:55,440 Speaker 2: could have ended. 436 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:59,080 Speaker 1: So, and this is one of the yes there is. 437 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,960 Speaker 1: And this is one of the things that we advise 438 00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:04,479 Speaker 1: whenever we do a marriage event. It's one of the 439 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,479 Speaker 1: places that I see people go oh like they get 440 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:13,800 Speaker 1: clicks in because what we tell the guys is, imagine 441 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:18,640 Speaker 1: that that scenario ended just slightly differently. Imagine that your 442 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:22,399 Speaker 1: boss comes back by your cubicle. Now you're in turmoil, 443 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,320 Speaker 1: right like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be fired on 444 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:28,840 Speaker 1: Monday morning. And you come back and your boss comes 445 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:32,480 Speaker 1: back and says, you know, Jeff, I think I left 446 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:35,520 Speaker 1: you with the wrong impression. The reason that I need 447 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:38,280 Speaker 1: to see you Monday morning is that, yes, this has 448 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:42,119 Speaker 1: been a really rough week, but we've been cultivating another 449 00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:45,639 Speaker 1: client and so I wanted I just on Monday, I 450 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,840 Speaker 1: want to make sure that you're available to work on 451 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:52,040 Speaker 1: this account as a project manager. And so suddenly what 452 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:57,199 Speaker 1: has happened is that he has that boss has reassured 453 00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:01,280 Speaker 1: you in this area where you need reassurance and has 454 00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:05,359 Speaker 1: helped you close a really significant open window. And we 455 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:09,639 Speaker 1: always tell guys, for most women, maybe not all, but 456 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:12,600 Speaker 1: for most women, there is no bigger open window than 457 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,840 Speaker 1: the relationship and the happiness of the marriage and what's 458 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:18,800 Speaker 1: going on with the family. And so again, if you're 459 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:23,840 Speaker 1: driving away and you're upset and now she's like all 460 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:27,240 Speaker 1: stirred up, like uh are we okay, that's a pretty 461 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:32,800 Speaker 1: significant open window. And so doing something before you leave 462 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:38,520 Speaker 1: to reassure her is huge because think about for you, 463 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:44,040 Speaker 1: as a guy, think about the gratitude that you feel 464 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:49,520 Speaker 1: for your boss coming back to reassure you. That's the 465 00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:54,240 Speaker 1: same gratitude your wife feels for you when yeah, you're 466 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,960 Speaker 1: in the middle of an argument and things are emotions 467 00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,560 Speaker 1: and tensions are high, but as you're about to if 468 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:01,600 Speaker 1: you were about to leave for client meeting. If you 469 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:06,359 Speaker 1: were to say, look, I'm I'm really angry. I can't 470 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:09,000 Speaker 1: even I can't think, I can't talk right now, but listen, 471 00:27:09,119 --> 00:27:13,240 Speaker 1: we're okay. We'll talk about it tonight. Like, okay, we're okay. 472 00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:16,760 Speaker 1: You've just reassured you've helped her close the window. There's 473 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:18,199 Speaker 1: gratitude for that. 474 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:24,879 Speaker 2: Okay, So let's shift a little bit about I'm trying 475 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,400 Speaker 2: to think of what some of the guys could be thinking, 476 00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:32,760 Speaker 2: kind of maybe objections to solve this. Okay. So let's 477 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:38,600 Speaker 2: say that your wife has raised this kind of she's 478 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:42,120 Speaker 2: got an open window on a particular topic. And one 479 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:46,280 Speaker 2: it's it's you've weighed in and you've said I think 480 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:50,639 Speaker 2: you should do this, and what she really needs is 481 00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:55,479 Speaker 2: a bit more processing to get through it. And but 482 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,920 Speaker 2: you feel like, well, I've told her that she can't 483 00:27:57,920 --> 00:27:59,679 Speaker 2: do anything about it right now, so just not to 484 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:05,119 Speaker 2: think about it or whatever whatever the kind of advice is. 485 00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:08,720 Speaker 2: And she appears that that doesn't work. 486 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:12,240 Speaker 1: For her, so like she doesn't appreciate my advice. 487 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:16,200 Speaker 2: Maybe, and so the guy could be thinking, well, she 488 00:28:17,119 --> 00:28:20,520 Speaker 2: doesn't trust me my advice, she doesn't trust my judgment. 489 00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,040 Speaker 2: That Look, the thing with your colleague is going to 490 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:29,280 Speaker 2: be fine. Don't worry about it. She's sensible. All of 491 00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:32,399 Speaker 2: these things. Just put it out of your mind. And 492 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:36,800 Speaker 2: so the guy thinks, well, you know, I've been through 493 00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:39,680 Speaker 2: these things in business before. She should trust me. 494 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:45,120 Speaker 1: And that's a very guy way of thinking about it. 495 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,880 Speaker 1: And now that you now hopefully that guys know this 496 00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:54,680 Speaker 1: about some of this is physiological, the brainwiring. It really 497 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:58,280 Speaker 1: in most cases has literally nothing to do with whether 498 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:01,959 Speaker 1: she trusts you or not. It's not that she disagrees 499 00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:04,640 Speaker 1: with your judgment. It's just that the window is going 500 00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:05,360 Speaker 1: to keep right. 501 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:10,120 Speaker 2: So for the guy out there, this is not some 502 00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:13,680 Speaker 2: grand judgment, no who you are as a man. 503 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:20,760 Speaker 1: No, she's just trying to close a window because its uncomfortable. Yes, 504 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:23,840 Speaker 1: and it's for a guy. You're thinking of it in 505 00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:28,080 Speaker 1: your way because that is you live in a guy brain, right. 506 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:30,520 Speaker 1: But this is something that to some degree you're gonna 507 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,960 Speaker 1: have to trust your wife that this is her brain right, 508 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:36,840 Speaker 1: like this is her wiring, and work with it rather 509 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:39,800 Speaker 1: than against it. Because I will tell you, guys, if 510 00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:44,400 Speaker 1: you will switch into this language of do you have 511 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:47,240 Speaker 1: an open window, is there something would make you feel better, 512 00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:52,000 Speaker 1: like oh, my word, like this really is the simplest, 513 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:57,000 Speaker 1: almost stupidest little thing that really makes her feel loved. 514 00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,000 Speaker 1: I mean, it really does. Okay, But we I think 515 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,800 Speaker 1: I think, even though this has been mostly about men 516 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:05,880 Speaker 1: understanding women, I think we do need to just really briefly, 517 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:08,120 Speaker 1: as we close, we only have a couple of minutes here, 518 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:12,040 Speaker 1: what we need to think about what women need to 519 00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:17,880 Speaker 1: understand about men now that you know we know this difference, 520 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:24,000 Speaker 1: because I think maybe one thing that we need to 521 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:27,000 Speaker 1: set aside is this idea like he just doesn't. 522 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:30,200 Speaker 2: Care if I were dismissive, right, So if I do say, look, 523 00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:32,040 Speaker 2: you can't do anything about it. 524 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:34,960 Speaker 1: Yes, right, like that can feel like I said, it 525 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,920 Speaker 1: can feel a bit dismissive, like he doesn't he doesn't 526 00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:39,840 Speaker 1: care about this thing that'sun. 527 00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:42,040 Speaker 2: And the guy is kind of thinking, look, I'm just 528 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:45,760 Speaker 2: trying to help her get happy right now exactly. 529 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:50,960 Speaker 1: And so I think for for us as women, what 530 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:55,280 Speaker 1: we need to do is basically don't assume that in 531 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:57,960 Speaker 1: any way that he's not caring. It's usually the opposite, 532 00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:01,200 Speaker 1: like that he actually is trying to help. He just 533 00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:06,360 Speaker 1: didn't realize this difference. So Okay, So to wrap all 534 00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:10,360 Speaker 1: this up. We always you know, end one, you know, 535 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:15,280 Speaker 1: big takeaway? What do you think if we say what's 536 00:31:15,280 --> 00:31:18,600 Speaker 1: our what's our one big takeaway that we want to 537 00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:23,840 Speaker 1: say with every episode? What's this one? I? Okay, I'm 538 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:27,480 Speaker 1: just going to say, guys, recognize that you have this 539 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:33,680 Speaker 1: opportunity to be your wife's hero by switching when you 540 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:36,440 Speaker 1: want to say just don't think about it, switching it 541 00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:39,680 Speaker 1: to say is this an open window? Is there something 542 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:40,760 Speaker 1: that would make you feel better? 543 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:45,960 Speaker 2: And then I mean, gosh, if you then take the 544 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:49,280 Speaker 2: next step guy and say is there something that I 545 00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:52,960 Speaker 2: can actually do? As opposed to saying you know, hey, 546 00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:56,520 Speaker 2: I'm going to encourage you to do something? Is there 547 00:31:56,600 --> 00:32:02,480 Speaker 2: something that me as the guy can can? I can? I? 548 00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:05,240 Speaker 2: You know, I've been through this situation with a colleague 549 00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:09,880 Speaker 2: once before. You know, here's how I wrote something to them. 550 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:11,640 Speaker 2: It's just for a starting point for you. 551 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:17,800 Speaker 1: OO very exciting like this, this concept of is there 552 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,480 Speaker 1: something that would make you feel better? And is that 553 00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:22,520 Speaker 1: something that is there something I. 554 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:23,600 Speaker 2: Can do participate in? 555 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:26,080 Speaker 1: That I can participate in? And that's even more now 556 00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:30,840 Speaker 1: we do have to be realistic about this, but hey, 557 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:34,120 Speaker 1: that that opens up some opportunities In some cases, I 558 00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:37,360 Speaker 1: would think where it's something simple like you know, you're 559 00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:39,800 Speaker 1: going to the movie and you're worried that you didn't 560 00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:43,000 Speaker 1: close the garage door. You know, would something make you 561 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:44,360 Speaker 1: feel better? Yes? 562 00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:44,920 Speaker 2: You know? 563 00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,720 Speaker 1: Okay, do you want me to call the neighbors across 564 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:50,840 Speaker 1: the street? I can ask whether the garage door is closed, 565 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,600 Speaker 1: right to look out the window and see. And that's 566 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:56,640 Speaker 1: something a guy could do. That's like a pretty big deal. 567 00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:59,959 Speaker 2: In all of these things that we've discussed over all 568 00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:04,360 Speaker 2: of these podcasts, most of these things are not heavy lifts. Yeah, 569 00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:07,880 Speaker 2: that really isn't a big deal for the guy to 570 00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:09,080 Speaker 2: be able to offer. 571 00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:14,000 Speaker 1: But it shows an attentiveness right to how the other 572 00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:18,200 Speaker 1: person is right. So I hope this was helpful. We're 573 00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:20,320 Speaker 1: going to say, if you are not a subscriber to 574 00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:24,360 Speaker 1: our podcast, please subscribe. If you think others would benefit, 575 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:28,240 Speaker 1: please share today's episode and tag us on all your 576 00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:33,120 Speaker 1: social media channels. Thanks for listening to I wish you 577 00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:36,600 Speaker 1: could hear this. Remember to subscribe to our podcast, and 578 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:41,000 Speaker 1: as always, forward today's audio or video link to a friend, counselor, 579 00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:47,240 Speaker 1: or pastor who would be encouraged. I just want to 580 00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:50,000 Speaker 1: take a second to thank the team at life Audio 581 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:53,120 Speaker 1: for their partnership with us on the podcast. If you 582 00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:56,360 Speaker 1: go to lifeaudio dot com, you will find dozens of 583 00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:59,840 Speaker 1: other faith centered podcasts in their network. They've got shows 584 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:03,240 Speaker 1: about prayer, Bible study, parenting, and more.