WEBVTT - 493 How My Bipolar Diagnosis Brought Me Closer to God with Sarah Fox 0:00:02.680 --> 0:00:03.480 Life Audio. 0:00:05.440 --> 0:00:08.480 Hi there, and welcome to the Praying Christian Women podcast. 0:00:08.840 --> 0:00:12.000 I'm Jamie Hampton and today I am really excited to 0:00:12.000 --> 0:00:15.160 have a special guest with us. We have Sarah Fox 0:00:15.200 --> 0:00:18.759 with us today. Sarah is a graduate of Liberty University. 0:00:19.000 --> 0:00:22.200 She has an MS in Criminal Justice in forensic Psychology. 0:00:22.760 --> 0:00:25.040 She's an alumna of the King's College with a BA 0:00:25.079 --> 0:00:29.040 in Politics, Philosophy and Economics with a pre law miner 0:00:29.080 --> 0:00:31.600 So she does all the things and she's also the 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:36.400 host of the Rough Edges podcast. Most importantly, Sarah shares 0:00:36.720 --> 0:00:41.800 about her own story, her own struggles with mental health, 0:00:42.000 --> 0:00:45.800 with her journey, her healing journey, her faith journey, and 0:00:45.960 --> 0:00:49.720 really the intersection between faith and mental illness, which is 0:00:50.360 --> 0:00:53.040 so needed. So, Sarah, thank you for being here. I 0:00:53.120 --> 0:00:56.760 just can't thank you enough for being willing and courageous 0:00:56.880 --> 0:01:00.520 enough to just share so transparently all of what you're 0:01:00.560 --> 0:01:04.520 going through have been through because it's needed, it's so needed. 0:01:04.600 --> 0:01:07.120 So thank you for being here. We really are excited 0:01:07.160 --> 0:01:07.720 to talk with you. 0:01:08.200 --> 0:01:09.280 Thanks for having me. 0:01:09.959 --> 0:01:10.360 Yeah. 0:01:10.440 --> 0:01:12.520 Well, we like to ask all of our guests before 0:01:12.560 --> 0:01:16.120 we get into our actual conversation, what is your favorite 0:01:16.160 --> 0:01:19.200 prayer closet, So it's in air quotes because it could 0:01:19.200 --> 0:01:22.480 be an actual closet, it could be a room, it 0:01:22.480 --> 0:01:26.160 could be something off the wall, like you know, outside 0:01:26.400 --> 0:01:28.640 or somewhere even crazier. So where do you like to 0:01:28.680 --> 0:01:29.320 meet with God? 0:01:29.880 --> 0:01:33.320 I love to meet with God in my room and 0:01:33.600 --> 0:01:36.920 I usually turn on like a sunset lamp has like 0:01:36.959 --> 0:01:41.000 a nice like purple aura because I love purple, and 0:01:41.120 --> 0:01:44.280 I have my journal and my Bible and it's just 0:01:44.319 --> 0:01:48.320 a time where I could just decompress and really speak 0:01:48.360 --> 0:01:48.720 to Him. 0:01:49.280 --> 0:01:49.840 I love that. 0:01:50.200 --> 0:01:53.200 Lighting is so important to me too. I have problems 0:01:53.240 --> 0:01:56.880 with like bright fluorescent lighting. My husband can't stand it 0:01:56.960 --> 0:01:59.920 because in our kitchen we have like kind of dim 0:02:00.080 --> 0:02:03.160 are like little round lights that you can adjust, and 0:02:03.200 --> 0:02:05.440 then we have like the big blasting lights, and he 0:02:05.560 --> 0:02:07.480 always comes on and flips on the big lights. 0:02:07.520 --> 0:02:09.240 He's like, why do you like to work in the dark. 0:02:09.400 --> 0:02:15.280 I'm like, no, it's it's ambiance. But yeah, I love that. Well, 0:02:15.639 --> 0:02:18.280 for listeners who don't know your story, can you just 0:02:18.400 --> 0:02:21.359 kind of start from the beginning and share about your story, 0:02:21.520 --> 0:02:24.520 so you know, like when did you meet the Lord? 0:02:24.520 --> 0:02:25.640 When did you become a believer? 0:02:26.280 --> 0:02:30.840 Yes, so I grew up in a Christian household, and 0:02:30.960 --> 0:02:33.760 so I met the Lord at a very young age, 0:02:33.800 --> 0:02:37.720 like around nine years old. And from there God has 0:02:37.800 --> 0:02:41.520 just been showing up in ways that I can't even 0:02:41.560 --> 0:02:44.400 begin to describe, like He's been such a faithful God 0:02:44.720 --> 0:02:51.320 and I in my journey. I recently got diagnosed with 0:02:51.520 --> 0:02:56.320 bipolar disorder in January of twenty twenty one, and that 0:02:56.840 --> 0:03:01.760 was really where a crisis of faith started because I 0:03:01.800 --> 0:03:05.560 wanted to know why God would allow it to happen. 0:03:05.919 --> 0:03:10.079 I was angry at God, and for many months there 0:03:10.200 --> 0:03:13.320 was this tug of war going on on the inside 0:03:13.400 --> 0:03:17.080 where I felt like God. I knew God was with me, 0:03:17.800 --> 0:03:22.239 but I also was like wrestling with the fact that 0:03:22.320 --> 0:03:25.760 He would allow this to happen. And so given that 0:03:25.840 --> 0:03:30.000 I had the bipolar diagnosis, I was able to not 0:03:30.200 --> 0:03:33.880 only find a regimen that worked for me in terms 0:03:33.960 --> 0:03:39.520 of like medication and getting to stability, but also I 0:03:39.840 --> 0:03:42.960 was able to have a renewed sense of faith in 0:03:43.080 --> 0:03:47.680 God where He became real to me in such a 0:03:48.040 --> 0:03:53.880 new way, and I was able to not only understand 0:03:53.920 --> 0:03:56.840 that my faith is what drives the hope that I have, 0:03:57.120 --> 0:04:01.480 to be able to really understand how to deal with 0:04:01.560 --> 0:04:04.920 mental health. But it also showed me that no matter 0:04:04.960 --> 0:04:07.720 what season of life that I'm in, God is my 0:04:07.880 --> 0:04:13.160 anchor and he keeps me grounded in no matter what 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:14.640 type of time that I'm having. 0:04:15.200 --> 0:04:19.040 Yeah, I just I feel like when we face difficult times, 0:04:19.120 --> 0:04:21.920 we have kind of this like one or the other 0:04:22.720 --> 0:04:26.839 response to it. I think as Christians we either like 0:04:27.400 --> 0:04:32.040 are just so angry and so confused and so frustrated 0:04:32.080 --> 0:04:35.679 that we turn away from God, or we're so angry 0:04:35.800 --> 0:04:38.240 and so frustrated and so confused we kind of like 0:04:38.800 --> 0:04:40.960 turn into Him and just kind of beat our fists 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:44.520 into his chest until he gives us answers. What do 0:04:44.560 --> 0:04:47.279 you think, Like did you ever have a temptation to 0:04:47.400 --> 0:04:50.800 just leave your faith and to just say I'm out? 0:04:50.839 --> 0:04:54.240 Like either he doesn't care or maybe he's not even there, Like, 0:04:54.520 --> 0:04:57.799 what are your thoughts on kind of how that process 0:04:57.839 --> 0:04:58.360 worked for you? 0:04:59.000 --> 0:05:01.880 Yeah? I actually he did have a time. It was 0:05:01.960 --> 0:05:07.920 after my grandfather passed away where I was really wrestling 0:05:08.080 --> 0:05:12.719 with the grief and also wondering how a good God 0:05:13.360 --> 0:05:16.080 could just keep allowing all these things to happen. And 0:05:16.120 --> 0:05:19.440 it felt like a pile up from being diagnosed with 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:22.920 bipolar disorder, and then having a death in the family 0:05:23.440 --> 0:05:27.520 and then other personal issues going around surrounding that. So 0:05:28.080 --> 0:05:32.440 it felt like a very tumultuous time, and I was 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:36.520 so close to saying, God, I'm hanging this up, like 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:40.279 you don't really care about me. There's so much going on. 0:05:40.839 --> 0:05:45.920 But even in the midst of those feelings, I understood 0:05:46.120 --> 0:05:49.200 that God can handle them. A lot of the times 0:05:49.279 --> 0:05:54.600 we think that God can't handle distress and the emotions 0:05:54.640 --> 0:05:57.800 that come up with when we doubt him, but he 0:05:58.000 --> 0:06:02.239 can and he does understand and what we're going through. 0:06:02.400 --> 0:06:06.040 And so that's what kept me going in the faith, 0:06:06.200 --> 0:06:11.400 like understanding that God does know about my issues and 0:06:11.480 --> 0:06:15.120 he does know how to be there in the midst 0:06:15.120 --> 0:06:17.479 of them, even when I don't want to talk to him, 0:06:17.920 --> 0:06:21.400 even when I feel like he's just not responding in 0:06:21.440 --> 0:06:24.280 the way that I would like. I know that He 0:06:24.320 --> 0:06:28.120 can understand my emotions and that he could be able 0:06:28.200 --> 0:06:32.600 to provide whether it's through somebody else or whether it's 0:06:32.640 --> 0:06:35.599 through a worship song, or whether it's through a message 0:06:36.040 --> 0:06:38.839 something to get me back on track. And so that's 0:06:38.920 --> 0:06:41.760 one of the things that I value about my relationship 0:06:41.760 --> 0:06:42.200 with God. 0:06:42.760 --> 0:06:45.799 Yeah, kind of just being known, even in the midst 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:48.920 of the hard things, knowing that He knows you. And 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:52.559 what would you say to someone like, as a first 0:06:52.560 --> 0:06:55.599 step if they're listening right now and they're going through 0:06:55.640 --> 0:06:58.880 something or some things that are just unspeakably hard and 0:06:58.880 --> 0:07:01.119 they're tempted to walk away, or maybe they've walked away 0:07:01.160 --> 0:07:03.719 and they just you know, came across this by chance 0:07:03.920 --> 0:07:06.479 or you know, through divine providence, Like, what would you 0:07:06.520 --> 0:07:09.880 advise them as a first step to take in the 0:07:09.880 --> 0:07:12.600 midst of the pain, to at least like move in 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:15.720 a direction toward allowing God back into their life. 0:07:16.240 --> 0:07:20.120 Yeah, I would definitely say it's never too late to 0:07:20.240 --> 0:07:24.000 turn back to God. I think, especially if you did 0:07:24.040 --> 0:07:26.920 walk away from God, there's almost that feeling that you 0:07:27.000 --> 0:07:31.240 can never go back and you can go back. Especially 0:07:31.400 --> 0:07:33.960 with the story of the prodigal Son. I love that 0:07:34.120 --> 0:07:38.240 story so much because in that story, for those who 0:07:38.280 --> 0:07:42.400 are not familiar, there was a younger son who wanted 0:07:42.400 --> 0:07:46.560 his inheritance, and he squandered his inheritance and thought that 0:07:46.640 --> 0:07:49.440 he couldn't go back to his father. And when he 0:07:49.480 --> 0:07:52.680 did eventually go back, his father was there to welcome 0:07:52.760 --> 0:07:57.080 him with open arms and to say welcome back, like 0:07:57.200 --> 0:08:00.240 my son was lost but now he's found. And it's 0:08:00.240 --> 0:08:04.080 such a beautiful depiction of God's love towards us that 0:08:04.240 --> 0:08:08.040 even when we turn away, he is there to welcome 0:08:08.120 --> 0:08:11.040 us back with open arms. So I would tell that 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:14.840 person it's never too late to turn back, and God 0:08:14.960 --> 0:08:18.240 is waiting for you. He is always there for you 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:22.560 to return to him, and so don't be afraid to 0:08:22.640 --> 0:08:24.520 turn back because it's never too late. 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:27.440 I love that and that story. 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:30.480 The interesting thing to me is the other brother was 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:34.080 so mad that his dad took his other brother back, 0:08:34.640 --> 0:08:37.559 and that just shows like we read the story and 0:08:37.600 --> 0:08:40.080 we're like, okay, he did all these things, but the 0:08:40.160 --> 0:08:43.000 extent of the insult that that was to his family 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:45.439 and to his father, I mean, he didn't just go 0:08:45.480 --> 0:08:47.320 off and party for a little bit and come back 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:51.640 like it was a very grave insult and sin. And 0:08:51.920 --> 0:08:54.640 the response to that brother I think should remind us 0:08:54.800 --> 0:08:59.480 how gravely that son had sinned against his father, and 0:08:59.600 --> 0:09:02.440 yet he was just welcomed back with those open arms. 0:09:02.600 --> 0:09:04.439 And I think we can be both of those people. 0:09:04.480 --> 0:09:06.680 I think there's a part of us that's that other 0:09:06.760 --> 0:09:11.640 brother saying you don't deserve this, You don't deserve this love. 0:09:12.440 --> 0:09:14.840 And I just think to be able to talk to 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:19.920 that voice and say, Nope, that's not true, it's biblical. 0:09:20.080 --> 0:09:22.600 So thank you for sharing that part of your story. 0:09:23.080 --> 0:09:25.720 If we could rewind a little, can you talk about 0:09:25.760 --> 0:09:28.679 like the time. So how old were you when you 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:32.559 started to notice something was off and not right? 0:09:33.160 --> 0:09:36.880 That's a great question. I would say sixteen years old 0:09:37.000 --> 0:09:40.760 because in high school I would have a lot of 0:09:40.880 --> 0:09:45.280 different like ranges of mood, and I thought I was 0:09:45.320 --> 0:09:48.440 just dealing with depression because when I got depressed, it 0:09:48.559 --> 0:09:52.680 was a very deep depression, and so I decided to 0:09:52.920 --> 0:09:57.080 see a therapist. Fast forward in college, and I was 0:09:57.120 --> 0:09:59.680 actually the first one in my family and my immediate 0:09:59.679 --> 0:10:03.640 family to go to therapy, and so everybody was wondering, 0:10:03.720 --> 0:10:07.440 like what's going on, Like are you okay? Like you 0:10:07.480 --> 0:10:10.320 don't have to speak to a stranger. But I knew 0:10:10.400 --> 0:10:14.400 deep down that there was something off, especially with the 0:10:14.480 --> 0:10:18.000 bouts of depression that I was having. And then I 0:10:18.040 --> 0:10:22.160 would have almost a change where I would go into 0:10:22.720 --> 0:10:27.560 a hyperactive mode where I would be so happy, so 0:10:27.760 --> 0:10:30.160 on top of the world, and then I would plummet 0:10:30.280 --> 0:10:33.280 back down into the depression. So I knew that that 0:10:33.600 --> 0:10:37.720 wasn't really normal in terms of like an emotional balance. 0:10:38.200 --> 0:10:41.680 So when I went to therapy, I discovered that I 0:10:41.800 --> 0:10:44.600 might have a mood disorder, but we didn't know exactly 0:10:44.640 --> 0:10:47.720 what it was, and at the time, I was a 0:10:47.720 --> 0:10:51.520 little afraid to go to a psychiatrist. So I was like, 0:10:51.640 --> 0:10:53.679 you know what, I'm just going to stick it out 0:10:53.720 --> 0:10:57.280 in therapy and this is working for me, and that's 0:10:57.360 --> 0:11:00.760 about it. So I really knew that something was wrong 0:11:01.280 --> 0:11:05.040 in those high school years, but I also attributed it 0:11:05.080 --> 0:11:11.160 to puberty and the range of emotions that teenagers can experience. 0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:14.400 That's what I thought was happening. So I don't want 0:11:14.400 --> 0:11:18.080 to say that I didn't take it seriously, but I 0:11:18.200 --> 0:11:20.160 was at a point where I was like, I'm not 0:11:20.240 --> 0:11:24.640 gonna go further and delve into all of this because 0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:38.679 I just needed the therapy. 0:11:38.760 --> 0:11:40.679 Yeah, And I think you bring up a really good 0:11:40.760 --> 0:11:44.200 point just even going to therapy, you know. I think 0:11:44.240 --> 0:11:46.600 that's true for so many of us, and especially in 0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:50.200 the Christian faith. Like I think there's this stigma, and 0:11:50.280 --> 0:11:52.040 I thank god it's changing. 0:11:52.160 --> 0:11:54.040 I think the more people speak. 0:11:53.760 --> 0:11:57.000 Out about it, the less of a stigma there is. 0:11:57.360 --> 0:12:00.520 But there's just this idea, especially in family were you're 0:12:00.559 --> 0:12:02.960 the first one to go to therapy. What's wrong with 0:12:03.000 --> 0:12:04.920 you? You don't need therapy, just talk to us. Why are 0:12:04.920 --> 0:12:07.400 you talking to a stranger? I think that hits the 0:12:07.480 --> 0:12:10.559 nail on the head. And to even go to therapy 0:12:10.640 --> 0:12:13.000 was probably huge for you. And then like to take 0:12:13.040 --> 0:12:16.439 that next step to go to a psychiatrist to maybe 0:12:16.480 --> 0:12:19.960 pursue medication or diagnosis or whatever like that would be 0:12:20.040 --> 0:12:24.559 even further into the unknown for the people that. 0:12:24.520 --> 0:12:25.320 Were surrounding you. 0:12:25.559 --> 0:12:29.120 And and so I'm just appreciative that you brought that 0:12:29.240 --> 0:12:32.400 up because I think in the Christian side of things, 0:12:32.440 --> 0:12:35.960 there's also this I think maybe like a shame, like, well, 0:12:35.960 --> 0:12:38.240 why can't you just pray it away? Why can't you 0:12:38.320 --> 0:12:41.440 just read your Bible more and think good things? You know, 0:12:41.520 --> 0:12:44.480 whatever is good and noble and pure and excellent and praiseworthy. 0:12:44.520 --> 0:12:47.360 Just think about that stuff and then you know, kind 0:12:47.360 --> 0:12:50.760 of manage it through prayer and reading your Bible. Which 0:12:51.360 --> 0:12:54.960 we don't manage diabetes through that, or high cholesterol or 0:12:54.960 --> 0:12:58.880 blood pressure or you know. I mean, yes, I always 0:12:58.920 --> 0:13:01.200 want to make sure people know, well, prayer is the 0:13:01.200 --> 0:13:05.520 foundation in the backbone of everything. Medication is extra. But 0:13:06.040 --> 0:13:08.840 I don't think God meant for us to deny all 0:13:09.320 --> 0:13:14.079 medical interventions and only pray because we're supposed to be 0:13:14.120 --> 0:13:16.400 praying and it will always make things better because you're 0:13:16.440 --> 0:13:19.640 involving God. But that permission needs to be given. I 0:13:19.640 --> 0:13:22.000 think like it's okay to go to therapy, it's okay 0:13:22.040 --> 0:13:27.000 to pursue a diagnosis and medication and help. So what 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:31.040 did that look like for you taking that next step? 0:13:31.080 --> 0:13:33.000 When did that happen? How long did it take for 0:13:33.120 --> 0:13:33.880 that to happen. 0:13:34.640 --> 0:13:38.560 So I just want to also to your point, Jamie, 0:13:38.640 --> 0:13:42.720 that you made earlier about us as Christians not really 0:13:43.000 --> 0:13:46.960 understanding the gravity of mental health until we get to 0:13:47.040 --> 0:13:51.720 crisis mode. And I was in that situation where I 0:13:51.880 --> 0:13:55.120 knew that there was something off. I went to therapy. 0:13:55.880 --> 0:13:58.640 I was told that it was a mood disorder, but 0:13:58.679 --> 0:14:01.760 we didn't know exactly what it was, and I just 0:14:02.480 --> 0:14:05.720 kind of let it sit until I was in crisis mode. 0:14:06.120 --> 0:14:10.079 And that crisis came through a manic episode. And what 0:14:10.160 --> 0:14:14.560 that looks like is that you are very incoherent while 0:14:14.559 --> 0:14:18.640 you're in the episode, and you also feel like you're invincible. 0:14:18.840 --> 0:14:21.640 You're on top of the world danger is not a 0:14:21.680 --> 0:14:26.160 thing to you. And you also have like these moments 0:14:26.200 --> 0:14:30.480 where you're talking extremely fast no one can really keep up. 0:14:31.080 --> 0:14:34.600 And you also have a decreased need for sleep, so 0:14:34.720 --> 0:14:37.440 you could sleep for like two hours and wake up 0:14:37.480 --> 0:14:41.280 feeling refreshed like you slept for eight or nine. And 0:14:41.760 --> 0:14:45.360 that was what I was experiencing for a couple of weeks. 0:14:45.920 --> 0:14:49.080 And it was my family that was like, WHOA, what 0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:52.240 is going on? Like this is a lot that you're 0:14:52.280 --> 0:14:56.560 going through. What is happening? And so while I was 0:14:57.400 --> 0:15:01.240 really going through that, my mother, sister, they were the 0:15:01.280 --> 0:15:05.320 ones that you know, called the ambulance. And that's when 0:15:05.640 --> 0:15:08.800 I went to the hospital. And it wasn't until I 0:15:08.880 --> 0:15:13.200 experienced my first hospitalization that I was able to get 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:17.440 on medication and get into the right treatment plan and 0:15:17.920 --> 0:15:21.640 to get to that stage of stability. But I say 0:15:21.680 --> 0:15:24.360 all this to say that a lot of the times 0:15:24.360 --> 0:15:28.080 we wait till the crisis happens in order to actually 0:15:28.200 --> 0:15:31.880 go through with treatment and to even take that first 0:15:31.920 --> 0:15:36.440 step to get help. And so I would encourage everybody 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:40.160 listening not to wait till it gets to crisis mode. 0:15:40.200 --> 0:15:43.720 Like if you are experiencing something and you feel a 0:15:43.720 --> 0:15:48.120 little bit off or you're experiencing symptoms. The same way 0:15:48.160 --> 0:15:51.800 that you would tell your doctor that you're experiencing certain 0:15:51.840 --> 0:15:56.240 symptoms and that something's off. You can tell a therapist 0:15:56.520 --> 0:15:59.680 that something is off. You can tell a psychiatrist that's 0:15:59.720 --> 0:16:02.920 something is off. Like these things don't have to be 0:16:04.120 --> 0:16:07.560 out of the realm of possibility, Like we can go 0:16:07.720 --> 0:16:12.200 to mental health professionals for help. And so that's when 0:16:12.760 --> 0:16:14.960 it was a problem for me because I let it 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:16.800 go into crisis mode. 0:16:17.160 --> 0:16:20.000 Yeah, that's such a good point. And again, just like 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:24.480 giving that permission is huge for people who might not 0:16:24.680 --> 0:16:29.000 take that step otherwise. So can you talk about during 0:16:29.120 --> 0:16:33.920 that time, you know, what was your relationship with God, 0:16:34.080 --> 0:16:38.040 Like what were your conversations with God? Like, and during 0:16:38.480 --> 0:16:41.920 that difficult time leading up to that crisis point and 0:16:41.960 --> 0:16:42.920 then after. 0:16:43.400 --> 0:16:47.960 So leading up to the crisis point, my relationship with 0:16:48.040 --> 0:16:52.000 God was it was very close. Like I would pray 0:16:52.040 --> 0:16:55.120 about everything like I would if I was dealing with 0:16:55.160 --> 0:16:58.000 the slightest stake, I would bring it to God. And 0:16:58.320 --> 0:17:02.520 I was also bringing my depressive thoughts and everything to 0:17:02.640 --> 0:17:06.960 God to the point where I was like, Okay, God 0:17:07.160 --> 0:17:09.960 is fine for me, Therapy is fine for me. I 0:17:10.000 --> 0:17:13.280 don't really need anything else. And then once I hit 0:17:13.359 --> 0:17:17.879 crisis mode, it was almost like, God, what happened? You know, 0:17:18.240 --> 0:17:22.880 like we were going so well and interestingly enough, when 0:17:22.880 --> 0:17:28.320 you're in mania, that's another aspect spirituality. You feel a 0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:34.160 heightened sense of spiritual awareness and you feel like you're 0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:37.439 the closest that you are to God, when really you 0:17:37.440 --> 0:17:40.919 could be experiencing a form of psychosis. So that's another 0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:44.000 thing to watch out for, and that's what I was 0:17:44.080 --> 0:17:49.280 experiencing during the manic episode. And then when I got hospitalized, 0:17:49.320 --> 0:17:52.159 that's when I was very confused because I thought I 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:54.679 was the closest that I could ever be to God, 0:17:55.359 --> 0:17:59.400 and now I'm in a hospital not knowing what's going on, 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:03.640 and I was just having a level of anger confusion, 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:07.200 and so my relationship with God was a bit strained 0:18:07.760 --> 0:18:11.560 because I was thinking, there's no way that a good 0:18:11.600 --> 0:18:14.800 God could allow this to happen to me. And I 0:18:14.920 --> 0:18:18.199 was also wrestling with the fact that it did happen, 0:18:18.680 --> 0:18:22.680 and how do I go about my Christianity and how 0:18:22.680 --> 0:18:25.480 do I live that out while dealing with this mental 0:18:25.480 --> 0:18:29.200 health diagnosis, Because the first thing that I was thinking, 0:18:29.640 --> 0:18:31.800 what are the people in the church are gonna think, 0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:36.240 like not only my family, but at church, like when 0:18:36.240 --> 0:18:39.560 they hear that I have a mental health diagnosis, like 0:18:39.640 --> 0:18:43.240 what's gonna happen? And there was a lot of shame 0:18:43.720 --> 0:18:47.800 that came up as well, because I thought, well, if 0:18:47.840 --> 0:18:51.040 God loves me and he's a good God and we 0:18:51.119 --> 0:18:54.720 were so close, is he punishing me now? Like what 0:18:54.920 --> 0:18:58.360 is happening? So there was like a lot of different 0:18:58.359 --> 0:19:01.480 things that were going through my head in that season. 0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:04.919 But the thing that I keep going back to is 0:19:04.960 --> 0:19:08.040 that God is a faithful God. And even when I 0:19:08.119 --> 0:19:11.639 had the questions, even when I was wrestling with what 0:19:11.800 --> 0:19:14.760 to do next, I knew God was there for me, 0:19:15.119 --> 0:19:18.080 and I knew that he was going to embrace those 0:19:18.200 --> 0:19:22.000 questions with me and that I would be able to 0:19:22.080 --> 0:19:25.359 not only stay close to him during that time, but 0:19:26.080 --> 0:19:28.119 I knew that He was going to bring me through 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:31.440 it despite what I was going through. And there was 0:19:31.520 --> 0:19:35.040 even a part where I was like, God, I'm angry 0:19:35.080 --> 0:19:37.840 at you, but I need you to stay with me, 0:19:39.280 --> 0:19:42.680 Like I just decided, like that was my prayer, like 0:19:42.920 --> 0:19:45.960 I'm I'm really mad, but I know that you're here, 0:19:46.080 --> 0:19:48.239 so I need you to be here. And he was 0:19:48.480 --> 0:19:53.399 so that was how my relationship with God took It 0:19:53.480 --> 0:19:56.879 was a bit strained, but I was happy that we 0:19:56.880 --> 0:19:58.520 were able to get back on track. 0:19:59.160 --> 0:20:00.879 I think all of that that you just said is 0:20:00.880 --> 0:20:04.960 so important for everybody, regardless of what they're going through, 0:20:05.040 --> 0:20:10.439 to like just to internalize, is that like again, like 0:20:10.640 --> 0:20:15.480 permission to say God, I think you're mean, I think 0:20:15.520 --> 0:20:20.200 you're unfair, I'm mad, but stick with me because where 0:20:20.200 --> 0:20:22.800 else am I going to go? Like, I think that's 0:20:23.160 --> 0:20:26.399 the huge I think that is the difference between someone 0:20:26.400 --> 0:20:29.840 who turns from God and someone who turns into God 0:20:29.920 --> 0:20:33.400 during a tough time. Is that recognition that he can 0:20:33.760 --> 0:20:36.240 he can take all of that anger. I think people 0:20:36.240 --> 0:20:39.280 who think I need to bottle it up. I can't 0:20:39.320 --> 0:20:42.960 be disrespectful to God. I can't vent my frustrations or 0:20:43.040 --> 0:20:45.639 even ask the question are you even there? Do you 0:20:45.680 --> 0:20:49.320 even care? Are you actually trying to make me suffer? Like? 0:20:49.359 --> 0:20:51.520 Do you take joy in that? Like these are questions 0:20:51.520 --> 0:20:53.600 that come to us in the midst of the struggle. 0:20:54.320 --> 0:20:58.960 And feeling not able to take that to God I 0:20:58.960 --> 0:21:02.280 think makes people go and hide away from Him if 0:21:02.280 --> 0:21:03.800 they already knew him in the first place. 0:21:04.080 --> 0:21:04.919 So thank you for that. 0:21:05.320 --> 0:21:08.480 What you said also, like I think everyone can also 0:21:08.520 --> 0:21:11.040 benefit from what you said about your first feelings, that 0:21:11.160 --> 0:21:13.800 first thought, and it breaks my heart that like your 0:21:13.800 --> 0:21:15.680 first thought was what are the people in the church 0:21:15.720 --> 0:21:19.679 can think when that should be your safe place, Like 0:21:19.800 --> 0:21:22.000 the Body of Christ, we need to be the safe 0:21:22.000 --> 0:21:25.800 place for people who are struggling, whether it's with mental 0:21:25.840 --> 0:21:29.000 illness struggles, whether it's with physical illness struggles, whether it's 0:21:29.040 --> 0:21:32.199 any kind of struggle anything, Like we should not be 0:21:32.440 --> 0:21:34.760 the judging place. We should not be the place where 0:21:35.080 --> 0:21:37.520 if you don't fit this mold, then you're not welcome 0:21:37.800 --> 0:21:41.520 and you don't fit in, you know, like you're too inconvenient. 0:21:41.640 --> 0:21:43.800 So you know, we need our worship service to go 0:21:43.880 --> 0:21:46.240 on and you know, for us all to put on 0:21:46.280 --> 0:21:49.520 happy faces, you know. So that just stuck with me, 0:21:49.560 --> 0:21:51.440 and I hope I know that we all need to 0:21:51.480 --> 0:21:54.600 hear that is like we have to be the Body 0:21:54.640 --> 0:21:59.320 of Christ and love and just minister to people that 0:21:59.400 --> 0:22:05.240 are heard without any kind of judgmental, superficial stuff going on. 0:22:05.600 --> 0:22:08.080 But it's tough because we're all humans and it becomes 0:22:08.119 --> 0:22:11.320 a club and it becomes a who can you put 0:22:11.320 --> 0:22:13.040 on the best show? I mean, that's just what it 0:22:13.080 --> 0:22:15.080 always kind of turns into if we're not careful and 0:22:15.160 --> 0:22:19.280 check ourselves. Can you explain a little bit more about 0:22:19.320 --> 0:22:22.520 like the closeness that you kind of felt like you 0:22:22.600 --> 0:22:28.560 had during the mania part of the bipolar back and forth? 0:22:28.720 --> 0:22:31.280 What made you feel closer to God? Was it just 0:22:31.400 --> 0:22:34.600 a sense of closeness. Was it feeling like you heard 0:22:34.640 --> 0:22:36.600 more from Him or got more out of scripture? 0:22:36.680 --> 0:22:38.320 What was that? What did that look like? 0:22:38.960 --> 0:22:44.159 That is a great question. So that looked like a 0:22:44.200 --> 0:22:50.880 lot of sensationalized feelings because I was already feeling all 0:22:51.359 --> 0:22:54.600 like on the top of the world like during mania, 0:22:54.680 --> 0:22:59.679 and so having that sense of nothing can touch me, 0:23:00.480 --> 0:23:03.800 and knowing that I'm a Christian and you know, I 0:23:03.880 --> 0:23:07.639 believe in God, a lot of those feelings were heightened 0:23:07.800 --> 0:23:11.840 because I was thinking, I'm in a good mood. I'm 0:23:11.880 --> 0:23:17.080 feeling very like invincible God must be on my side. 0:23:17.160 --> 0:23:22.320 God must be here. And the thing is, God was there. 0:23:23.000 --> 0:23:26.879 But sometimes God shows up in ways that we don't 0:23:26.920 --> 0:23:31.200 even think about. And God could have shown up through 0:23:31.600 --> 0:23:36.119 that hospitalization. But because I was in this manicked state, 0:23:36.760 --> 0:23:40.720 I was hearing things. I was hearing like audible voices, 0:23:41.240 --> 0:23:45.120 and I thought it was God. But really it was 0:23:45.560 --> 0:23:48.520 my own mind that was sick at the time, and 0:23:48.600 --> 0:23:52.359