1 00:00:20,196 --> 00:00:23,236 Speaker 1: Hi friend, I'm so glad you're here today. Let's learn 2 00:00:23,276 --> 00:00:26,876 Speaker 1: how to raise our kids to love God, respect authority, 3 00:00:27,196 --> 00:00:31,036 Speaker 1: and do what's right. Let's scroll less and live more. 4 00:00:31,356 --> 00:00:38,796 Speaker 1: I'm Arlene Pelicane and this is the Happy Home. Hey friends. 5 00:00:38,836 --> 00:00:42,155 Speaker 1: Before we jump into today's conversation, I want to tell 6 00:00:42,196 --> 00:00:46,556 Speaker 1: you about National Marriage Week. National Marriage Week happens every 7 00:00:46,676 --> 00:00:50,876 Speaker 1: year from February seventh to fourteenth. I am the spokesperson 8 00:00:50,915 --> 00:00:54,596 Speaker 1: for National Marriage Week and we have this amazing free resource. 9 00:00:54,676 --> 00:00:59,036 Speaker 1: They are live streams that you can listen to from 10 00:00:59,075 --> 00:01:02,996 Speaker 1: February seventh to February thirteenth. Every day there's going to 11 00:01:03,036 --> 00:01:05,876 Speaker 1: be a marriage live stream to help you. This year's 12 00:01:05,916 --> 00:01:08,996 Speaker 1: theme is Together with Purpose. You're going to hear from 13 00:01:08,996 --> 00:01:14,236 Speaker 1: people like Gary Chapman, Shanti Feldon, Ron Deal, John Trent, 14 00:01:14,476 --> 00:01:17,236 Speaker 1: Jim Burns, all my friends, many of them that you've 15 00:01:17,276 --> 00:01:19,556 Speaker 1: heard right here on this podcast, and they're going to 16 00:01:19,556 --> 00:01:24,156 Speaker 1: be teaching how do we get along better? So you're 17 00:01:24,155 --> 00:01:27,316 Speaker 1: going to want to check it out. Marriageweek dot org 18 00:01:27,756 --> 00:01:33,996 Speaker 1: sign up for those free live streams. Well, you all 19 00:01:34,036 --> 00:01:37,155 Speaker 1: are in for a huge treat. You know, when I 20 00:01:37,155 --> 00:01:40,515 Speaker 1: think about marriage, if I were to start a married couple. 21 00:01:40,556 --> 00:01:42,836 Speaker 1: I'd say you need to read the Five Love Languages 22 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,715 Speaker 1: so that you kind of know how to talk in 23 00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:47,636 Speaker 1: each other's local languages. And you need to read Love 24 00:01:47,636 --> 00:01:51,516 Speaker 1: and Respect by doctor Emerson Eggridges. That's basically where you 25 00:01:51,556 --> 00:01:54,836 Speaker 1: want to start. So I am so excited to have 26 00:01:54,956 --> 00:01:58,156 Speaker 1: Emerson here. That book Love and Respect has sold over 27 00:01:58,356 --> 00:02:01,796 Speaker 1: two point three million copies, and you and your wife 28 00:02:01,876 --> 00:02:04,876 Speaker 1: Sarah also do the Love and Respect conferences. Welcome to 29 00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:05,636 Speaker 1: the podcast. 30 00:02:06,036 --> 00:02:10,556 Speaker 2: Thank you, Arlene. Yeah, I know, very exciting invitation. And 31 00:02:10,636 --> 00:02:13,036 Speaker 2: I have been looking forward to this and reading a 32 00:02:13,076 --> 00:02:16,316 Speaker 2: little bit about your commitment to marriage and family and 33 00:02:16,356 --> 00:02:18,876 Speaker 2: the wise things you've done, so I hope to hear 34 00:02:19,036 --> 00:02:20,316 Speaker 2: some of that today as well. 35 00:02:20,676 --> 00:02:22,476 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. My husband James and I have 36 00:02:22,516 --> 00:02:24,476 Speaker 1: been married for twenty seven years, so we'll try to 37 00:02:24,516 --> 00:02:27,995 Speaker 1: put ourselves in the examples. We'll kind of insert them 38 00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:32,076 Speaker 1: in the interview. Your new book is light Bulb Moments 39 00:02:32,115 --> 00:02:37,196 Speaker 1: in Marriage, twelve Biblical perspectives for successful and satisfied couples. 40 00:02:37,356 --> 00:02:39,676 Speaker 1: And you and your wife, I believe you've been married 41 00:02:39,716 --> 00:02:41,316 Speaker 1: fifty two years. 42 00:02:41,076 --> 00:02:43,035 Speaker 2: In nineteen seventy three exactly. 43 00:02:43,196 --> 00:02:46,436 Speaker 1: Yeah, amazing, and I love that you dedicated that book 44 00:02:46,476 --> 00:02:50,516 Speaker 1: to your kids. You and also you are Mimi and 45 00:02:50,596 --> 00:02:52,196 Speaker 1: Poppy right to your grand kids. 46 00:02:52,316 --> 00:02:54,796 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, you're amazing, amazing. 47 00:02:55,156 --> 00:02:57,756 Speaker 1: Let's start here. You have worked with so many couples, 48 00:02:58,276 --> 00:03:01,275 Speaker 1: and someone is listening today and they're like, doctor Egrich, 49 00:03:01,716 --> 00:03:05,076 Speaker 1: I need help. You know, what have you learned from 50 00:03:05,156 --> 00:03:09,196 Speaker 1: these four thousand plus couples about how do you begin 51 00:03:09,236 --> 00:03:10,596 Speaker 1: to transform a marriage? 52 00:03:12,196 --> 00:03:14,676 Speaker 2: Well, sometimes it's one day at a time. But also 53 00:03:14,956 --> 00:03:17,636 Speaker 2: I think the book revolves around the idea that I 54 00:03:17,675 --> 00:03:20,435 Speaker 2: think couples feel that they're mine miles apart and when 55 00:03:20,916 --> 00:03:23,996 Speaker 2: in truth they may just be inches. And that's not 56 00:03:24,076 --> 00:03:27,596 Speaker 2: pixie dust statement, that's really true. This book is the 57 00:03:27,636 --> 00:03:31,676 Speaker 2: result of thousands of people writing me saying over these 58 00:03:32,876 --> 00:03:37,596 Speaker 2: many years, we launched Love and Respect in nineteen ninety nine, 59 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:41,076 Speaker 2: and they would write, taking the initiative, we had a 60 00:03:41,156 --> 00:03:44,236 Speaker 2: light bulb moment. It was a light bulb moment. We 61 00:03:44,276 --> 00:03:47,596 Speaker 2: had an Aha moment, We had a Eureka moment. Or 62 00:03:47,636 --> 00:03:49,596 Speaker 2: people would come through the book signing and say, why 63 00:03:49,676 --> 00:03:51,756 Speaker 2: hasn't anybody told us this? Why didn't I know this 64 00:03:52,276 --> 00:03:55,636 Speaker 2: thirty years ago? They had this pivot moment where suddenly 65 00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,716 Speaker 2: they see things in a way they hadn't seen it before. 66 00:03:58,116 --> 00:04:01,796 Speaker 2: It's not a new concept. It's called reframing, it's called 67 00:04:01,836 --> 00:04:06,676 Speaker 2: paradigm shift. But in our relationships often we just feel 68 00:04:06,676 --> 00:04:09,676 Speaker 2: like we're stuck. We're kind of roommates. It's kind of 69 00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:12,356 Speaker 2: the same old, same old. I've appealed to my spouse 70 00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:15,756 Speaker 2: to hear me if they would just do this a 71 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:19,396 Speaker 2: little bit differently, But they're not doing it differently. Therefore, 72 00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:22,556 Speaker 2: not only is the issue still unresolved, it must mean 73 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:25,276 Speaker 2: that I don't matter to them. Emerson, I know my 74 00:04:25,356 --> 00:04:27,876 Speaker 2: experience is not that I want to throw my spouse 75 00:04:27,956 --> 00:04:30,076 Speaker 2: under the bus, But I keep trying to get a 76 00:04:30,076 --> 00:04:33,236 Speaker 2: message through to them. I keep appealing to them. But 77 00:04:33,396 --> 00:04:35,876 Speaker 2: for whatever reason, I don't think they care about this. 78 00:04:36,396 --> 00:04:39,476 Speaker 2: And I'm a little suspicious of their goodwill toward me, 79 00:04:39,556 --> 00:04:42,195 Speaker 2: and so I don't quite know what to do. And 80 00:04:42,236 --> 00:04:44,876 Speaker 2: maybe that represents the person you just gave voice too. 81 00:04:44,956 --> 00:04:47,036 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And in a moment, we're going to talk 82 00:04:47,076 --> 00:04:49,315 Speaker 1: about love and respect if people don't understand what that 83 00:04:49,396 --> 00:04:52,076 Speaker 1: crazy cycle is. But before we go there, you know, 84 00:04:52,236 --> 00:04:55,196 Speaker 1: someone who had attended your conference wrote this. You put 85 00:04:55,236 --> 00:04:57,396 Speaker 1: this in the book, and I think it really resonates. 86 00:04:57,436 --> 00:05:01,156 Speaker 1: For years, I felt stuck this wife rights, holding my 87 00:05:01,276 --> 00:05:05,316 Speaker 1: tongue and having self control. It felt exhausting to respect 88 00:05:05,356 --> 00:05:07,796 Speaker 1: a husband who didn't always show me love and return. 89 00:05:08,236 --> 00:05:10,635 Speaker 1: I kept waiting for him to change. Then my heart 90 00:05:10,716 --> 00:05:14,676 Speaker 1: grew more bitter with every disappointment. Then I learned something 91 00:05:14,755 --> 00:05:17,796 Speaker 1: at the Love and Respect Conference I'd never considered before. 92 00:05:18,315 --> 00:05:22,076 Speaker 1: You're true audience is Christ. So we're going to get 93 00:05:22,076 --> 00:05:23,516 Speaker 1: in the nuts and bolts, but I want to start 94 00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:27,396 Speaker 1: here with what does this mean? Your true audience is Christ? 95 00:05:28,236 --> 00:05:31,556 Speaker 2: Well, I pastored for nearly twenty years East Lancing Trinity 96 00:05:31,636 --> 00:05:35,075 Speaker 2: Church in East Lansing, Michigan and College Town and study 97 00:05:35,116 --> 00:05:38,475 Speaker 2: the Bible thirty hours a week for the expositional nature 98 00:05:38,476 --> 00:05:40,755 Speaker 2: of the pulpit ministry that I was called to fulfill 99 00:05:40,836 --> 00:05:45,755 Speaker 2: there academic type setting. But I saw very clearly that 100 00:05:45,836 --> 00:05:49,196 Speaker 2: scripture addresses something that we sometimes overlook, and that is 101 00:05:49,596 --> 00:05:53,356 Speaker 2: when you go through Ephesians one through six, those chapters 102 00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:58,276 Speaker 2: or colautions one through four, chapters one, two, and three 103 00:05:58,315 --> 00:06:01,276 Speaker 2: of Ephesians as doctrine. He doesn't get into application, but four, 104 00:06:01,315 --> 00:06:04,836 Speaker 2: five and six is the application. Calautions one and two 105 00:06:04,876 --> 00:06:09,836 Speaker 2: is doctrine. Three and four is application, and Paul swings 106 00:06:09,916 --> 00:06:15,396 Speaker 2: he hinges on husband, wife relationship, bother child relationship, masters, slave, 107 00:06:16,156 --> 00:06:19,676 Speaker 2: and in that he begins to address this issue. We 108 00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:22,196 Speaker 2: do what we do as to the Lord, as to 109 00:06:22,276 --> 00:06:25,436 Speaker 2: the Lord, as to the Lord. And Paul was in 110 00:06:25,476 --> 00:06:28,556 Speaker 2: Tarsus for fourteen years after his Damascus Road experience, and 111 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:31,276 Speaker 2: we believe he meditated on the words of Jesus, one 112 00:06:31,315 --> 00:06:32,716 Speaker 2: of which was, as you've done it to the least 113 00:06:32,716 --> 00:06:34,996 Speaker 2: of these, you've done it to me. And Paul takes 114 00:06:35,036 --> 00:06:37,956 Speaker 2: that truth that ultimately, and this is what I say 115 00:06:37,996 --> 00:06:41,195 Speaker 2: at our conference, we must see Jesus Christ standing beyond 116 00:06:41,195 --> 00:06:45,236 Speaker 2: the shoulder of our spouse. That ultimately, I'm commanded to 117 00:06:45,436 --> 00:06:48,076 Speaker 2: love Sarah, there's any question about that, and ifhesans five 118 00:06:48,076 --> 00:06:51,036 Speaker 2: point thirty three, but what's the greatest incentive for me 119 00:06:51,116 --> 00:06:54,916 Speaker 2: to do that. It's seeing Christ beyond her shoulder and 120 00:06:55,076 --> 00:06:58,596 Speaker 2: loving Christ. And my love for Christ should spill over 121 00:06:58,716 --> 00:07:01,315 Speaker 2: on to Sarah's love for her. None of us do 122 00:07:01,356 --> 00:07:04,036 Speaker 2: it perfectly. Sarah wants chase me around the house with 123 00:07:04,116 --> 00:07:05,916 Speaker 2: my love and respect books, saying what would you say 124 00:07:05,956 --> 00:07:08,196 Speaker 2: to her husband who's treating his wife the way you're 125 00:07:08,236 --> 00:07:12,716 Speaker 2: treating me right now? So we all fall short. I 126 00:07:12,716 --> 00:07:15,236 Speaker 2: don't want anybody to move into shame, and we call 127 00:07:15,276 --> 00:07:18,756 Speaker 2: that negative encouragement. But when we read scripture, we see 128 00:07:18,756 --> 00:07:21,236 Speaker 2: the call here that in one sense, and I don't 129 00:07:21,236 --> 00:07:26,196 Speaker 2: say this with irreverence, but Sarah is irrelevant that ultimately 130 00:07:26,276 --> 00:07:27,916 Speaker 2: I have to give an account and Jesus is going 131 00:07:27,996 --> 00:07:30,396 Speaker 2: to say, Emerson, did you love Sarah? Well, Lord, do 132 00:07:30,436 --> 00:07:33,356 Speaker 2: you realize the disrespect that woman showed me? Do you 133 00:07:33,396 --> 00:07:37,076 Speaker 2: realize how unlovable is you? Emerson? Was this my command 134 00:07:37,116 --> 00:07:39,636 Speaker 2: to you son? Yes, sir? Did you do this out 135 00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:42,076 Speaker 2: of trust and obedience toward me? Did you do this 136 00:07:42,116 --> 00:07:44,916 Speaker 2: out of love and reverence toward me? Paul said in 137 00:07:44,956 --> 00:07:47,876 Speaker 2: Ephesians five point thirty one, submit to one another out 138 00:07:47,876 --> 00:07:51,636 Speaker 2: of reverence for me, out of reverence for Christ. Sarah 139 00:07:51,676 --> 00:07:54,876 Speaker 2: is irrelevant, Emerson. Did you love her because you loved 140 00:07:54,876 --> 00:07:57,396 Speaker 2: me and Arlen? And I didn't know how that would 141 00:07:57,436 --> 00:08:01,356 Speaker 2: play in purea as we say, right, But we have 142 00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:03,956 Speaker 2: surveyed twenty five thousand people who went through our conference. 143 00:08:03,996 --> 00:08:06,196 Speaker 2: We wanted to see the long term impact of love 144 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,396 Speaker 2: and respect, and we have what we call a merital 145 00:08:08,476 --> 00:08:11,836 Speaker 2: satisfaction scale, which is a typical I have my PhD 146 00:08:11,916 --> 00:08:14,036 Speaker 2: in family studies, which is a typical skill you used 147 00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:16,636 Speaker 2: just to see where people are in their satisfaction to 148 00:08:16,716 --> 00:08:20,276 Speaker 2: the marriage. But we added to that as spiritual satatisfaction scale. Now, 149 00:08:21,156 --> 00:08:24,356 Speaker 2: the merital satisfaction scale dealt with the fact are you 150 00:08:24,436 --> 00:08:26,636 Speaker 2: happy in your marriage? Are you satisfied? And you have 151 00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:30,636 Speaker 2: criteria to show that you're communicating, well, you're connecting, you know, 152 00:08:30,956 --> 00:08:33,276 Speaker 2: there's forgiveness, you're saying I'm sorry, I mean, there's a 153 00:08:33,276 --> 00:08:35,996 Speaker 2: whole you could use any number of criteria. Well, after 154 00:08:36,156 --> 00:08:40,316 Speaker 2: the conference, maybe somebody it's exposed there having adultery. They're 155 00:08:40,356 --> 00:08:44,436 Speaker 2: committed adultery. So the satisfaction merrily dropped. Logically, I'm not 156 00:08:44,516 --> 00:08:48,156 Speaker 2: happy anymore. Just found out my husband's committing adultery. But 157 00:08:48,356 --> 00:08:50,156 Speaker 2: we challenged men and women to put a stake in 158 00:08:50,156 --> 00:08:52,196 Speaker 2: the ground and to do what Christ calls him to 159 00:08:52,236 --> 00:08:55,356 Speaker 2: do and do so unto him, regardless of your spouse, 160 00:08:55,876 --> 00:08:59,396 Speaker 2: and that spiritual satisfaction scale addressed that issue. And when 161 00:08:59,436 --> 00:09:02,276 Speaker 2: we did these post studies, we found that people had 162 00:09:02,316 --> 00:09:06,356 Speaker 2: high satisfaction, merely high satisfaction on the spiritual but then 163 00:09:06,396 --> 00:09:09,836 Speaker 2: over time we noticed the merital satisfaction drop because of 164 00:09:09,956 --> 00:09:13,116 Speaker 2: obvious reasons that I just stated, but the spiritual satisfaction 165 00:09:13,196 --> 00:09:16,316 Speaker 2: stayed up. That's when I realized that the Christian community, 166 00:09:16,476 --> 00:09:22,676 Speaker 2: among evangelicals, they got this. This wasn't just a minor percentage. 167 00:09:22,876 --> 00:09:25,796 Speaker 2: This was deep and pervasive. And as I said before, 168 00:09:25,836 --> 00:09:27,716 Speaker 2: I didn't know how this would play in Peoria. But 169 00:09:27,796 --> 00:09:30,436 Speaker 2: as I've unpacked that, this had been one of those 170 00:09:30,516 --> 00:09:33,636 Speaker 2: light bulb moments. Like you just quoted this woman. It 171 00:09:33,676 --> 00:09:37,276 Speaker 2: doesn't mean that she just lets go of her disappointments 172 00:09:37,316 --> 00:09:39,276 Speaker 2: in the marriage. It doesn't mean that she could no 173 00:09:39,316 --> 00:09:42,156 Speaker 2: longer do anything, but there is an incentive for her 174 00:09:42,196 --> 00:09:45,916 Speaker 2: that everything she does matters to Christ, everything she does 175 00:09:46,156 --> 00:09:48,796 Speaker 2: counts to the Lord, and that when she dies and 176 00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:51,196 Speaker 2: the sins and the hell heaven, the Lord's going to say, 177 00:09:51,236 --> 00:09:54,596 Speaker 2: well done, good and faithful servant. And I didn't know 178 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:57,196 Speaker 2: if that would really affect the hearts of people in 179 00:09:57,236 --> 00:10:00,476 Speaker 2: troubled marriages, but it has, and it is one of 180 00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:03,076 Speaker 2: those things where suddenly I've had men write me, I 181 00:10:03,116 --> 00:10:05,236 Speaker 2: gave up on a marriage. But as a result of 182 00:10:05,276 --> 00:10:08,156 Speaker 2: what you call the rewarded cycle doing this, unto Jesus Christ, 183 00:10:08,436 --> 00:10:11,076 Speaker 2: there's a whole new way that I'm doing marriage and 184 00:10:11,116 --> 00:10:13,756 Speaker 2: I'm loving my wife regardless of a response, because I 185 00:10:13,796 --> 00:10:15,716 Speaker 2: know every time I do that, I'm touching the heart 186 00:10:15,756 --> 00:10:19,196 Speaker 2: of Christ. And that is the light bulb moment. Like 187 00:10:19,316 --> 00:10:22,556 Speaker 2: they just pivoted boom. It didn't mean that the merytal 188 00:10:22,596 --> 00:10:26,556 Speaker 2: satisfaction went up. It meant that their satisfaction in Christ 189 00:10:26,836 --> 00:10:27,276 Speaker 2: went up. 190 00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:31,396 Speaker 1: Yes, marital satisfaction, as you write in light Bulb Moments, 191 00:10:31,476 --> 00:10:36,356 Speaker 1: is based on spiritual satisfaction. And what a challenge to 192 00:10:36,396 --> 00:10:39,796 Speaker 1: give come in front of Jesus did for James my husband? 193 00:10:39,996 --> 00:10:43,156 Speaker 1: Did you respect James right? Did you submit to James? 194 00:10:43,236 --> 00:10:46,716 Speaker 1: Did you support his leadership? Yes? Lord, yes, Lord? You 195 00:10:46,716 --> 00:10:51,116 Speaker 1: know so this is so good to think in this way. Okay, 196 00:10:51,156 --> 00:10:53,316 Speaker 1: talk to that person that's like the whole thing, you know, 197 00:10:53,316 --> 00:10:55,436 Speaker 1: they say, oh, this is nice, but now I'm going 198 00:10:55,516 --> 00:10:58,116 Speaker 1: to lose myself. Now I'm going to have to do 199 00:10:58,196 --> 00:11:00,756 Speaker 1: things that I don't want to do. And I think 200 00:11:00,796 --> 00:11:03,836 Speaker 1: this is, you know, very old fashion and backward. What 201 00:11:04,116 --> 00:11:06,036 Speaker 1: say you about to this sweet person? 202 00:11:06,516 --> 00:11:08,956 Speaker 2: Yeah, no exactly. Well, first of all, my dad attempted 203 00:11:08,956 --> 00:11:10,636 Speaker 2: to strangle my mother to death. I was two and 204 00:11:10,676 --> 00:11:13,116 Speaker 2: a half when I watched that, and then my mother 205 00:11:13,676 --> 00:11:15,716 Speaker 2: they divorced one another, and then I re married each other, 206 00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:18,236 Speaker 2: and then mom separated for five years. They sent me 207 00:11:18,276 --> 00:11:21,276 Speaker 2: to a military school because of the family problems. So 208 00:11:21,396 --> 00:11:26,116 Speaker 2: my family of origin deals with the abuse, the rage, 209 00:11:26,236 --> 00:11:30,396 Speaker 2: the pain. So I understand that. And so my message, 210 00:11:30,396 --> 00:11:34,276 Speaker 2: though has been to couples with basic goodwill, not you know, 211 00:11:34,796 --> 00:11:37,436 Speaker 2: if there's a violent situation. I'm not looking at that 212 00:11:37,476 --> 00:11:40,756 Speaker 2: as a framework in our conversation here, but I'm very 213 00:11:40,796 --> 00:11:44,396 Speaker 2: empathetic toward that because of my own woundedness. I spoke 214 00:11:44,436 --> 00:11:47,236 Speaker 2: to twelve thousand students at Liberty University on being the 215 00:11:47,236 --> 00:11:50,516 Speaker 2: wounded healer. So let me set that aside. Though, Now 216 00:11:50,516 --> 00:11:53,716 Speaker 2: to the woman who is saying, you know, sounds great, 217 00:11:53,836 --> 00:11:57,636 Speaker 2: but you know, what do I have to do? Just 218 00:11:57,676 --> 00:12:01,116 Speaker 2: submit myself to an antiquated worldview and just be the 219 00:12:01,156 --> 00:12:04,876 Speaker 2: doormat and just let him walk all over me. And well, 220 00:12:04,876 --> 00:12:07,356 Speaker 2: first of all, we're going to say things aren't fair. 221 00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,796 Speaker 2: And I don't know the frame or work frame or reference. 222 00:12:09,796 --> 00:12:11,516 Speaker 2: But what I do know is that everything you do 223 00:12:11,716 --> 00:12:14,756 Speaker 2: will touch the heart of Jesus Christ that's not wasted, 224 00:12:15,236 --> 00:12:17,276 Speaker 2: and that is something that the Christ follower has to 225 00:12:17,316 --> 00:12:20,396 Speaker 2: always remind himself of or herself. And even if you're 226 00:12:20,396 --> 00:12:22,796 Speaker 2: in a great marriage, if you take your eyes off 227 00:12:22,836 --> 00:12:26,036 Speaker 2: of Christ and you're just doing marriage because it's good 228 00:12:26,476 --> 00:12:29,716 Speaker 2: and it's wholesome, but you didn't even think of Jesus Christ. 229 00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:31,956 Speaker 2: I've had men say to me, I never connected Christ 230 00:12:31,996 --> 00:12:34,596 Speaker 2: with my marriage, and some of these individuals had great marriages. 231 00:12:34,676 --> 00:12:37,396 Speaker 2: I never even connected those two. That's on the other 232 00:12:37,436 --> 00:12:39,236 Speaker 2: side of this. Not a very healthy thing to do. 233 00:12:39,836 --> 00:12:42,996 Speaker 2: But having said that, when we talk about these things, 234 00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:45,796 Speaker 2: we're talking more about if I'm doing this unto Jesus Christ, 235 00:12:46,076 --> 00:12:47,676 Speaker 2: then it puts me in a position to be able 236 00:12:47,676 --> 00:12:49,716 Speaker 2: to say things to Sarah in a loving and a 237 00:12:49,756 --> 00:12:53,836 Speaker 2: respectful way. You don't go absolutely quiet and play a 238 00:12:53,916 --> 00:12:57,476 Speaker 2: game of charades as though somehow you know speaking is 239 00:12:57,516 --> 00:12:59,756 Speaker 2: wrong and I can only kind of give hints. You know, 240 00:12:59,876 --> 00:13:05,396 Speaker 2: you lovingly and respectfully confront issues that aren't respectable, aren't lovable. 241 00:13:05,876 --> 00:13:09,516 Speaker 2: You don't have to somehow become a nonentity. This is 242 00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,796 Speaker 2: where a person like that, and I always say it tenderly, 243 00:13:12,156 --> 00:13:15,356 Speaker 2: she's probably got a negative attitude and that's spilling out 244 00:13:15,396 --> 00:13:17,876 Speaker 2: into the relationship, and then she's got problems in the 245 00:13:17,956 --> 00:13:21,236 Speaker 2: relationship and has audacity to say that it's really him 246 00:13:21,436 --> 00:13:23,916 Speaker 2: when it's more of that negativity, and she needs to 247 00:13:23,956 --> 00:13:25,996 Speaker 2: step back and take a hard look at that, because 248 00:13:25,996 --> 00:13:28,916 Speaker 2: what we're saying is you need to speak, maybe even more, 249 00:13:29,196 --> 00:13:31,316 Speaker 2: but you got to deliver that message in a way 250 00:13:31,316 --> 00:13:35,436 Speaker 2: that's loving and honorable and respectful. And usually if you're 251 00:13:35,436 --> 00:13:38,436 Speaker 2: married to a person of goodwill, over time, they're going 252 00:13:38,516 --> 00:13:41,276 Speaker 2: to soften. I know when we coach women on this, 253 00:13:42,396 --> 00:13:44,116 Speaker 2: then women say to me in the light bulb moments, 254 00:13:44,436 --> 00:13:47,796 Speaker 2: I just changed the word choice. Rather than saying I 255 00:13:47,876 --> 00:13:50,916 Speaker 2: need you to be more loving, say you're an honorable man, 256 00:13:51,316 --> 00:13:53,116 Speaker 2: and I need you to be more loving. I have 257 00:13:53,156 --> 00:13:55,156 Speaker 2: a need that only you can meet. And how do 258 00:13:55,196 --> 00:13:56,516 Speaker 2: I say this in such a way that you don't 259 00:13:56,516 --> 00:13:58,676 Speaker 2: feel in trying to dish you when the fact is 260 00:13:58,716 --> 00:14:01,716 Speaker 2: I'm little insecure right now and I just need reassurance. 261 00:14:01,796 --> 00:14:05,116 Speaker 2: I need your strength right now because what you did 262 00:14:05,156 --> 00:14:07,676 Speaker 2: here made me feel insecure and it hurt my feelings 263 00:14:07,676 --> 00:14:10,196 Speaker 2: and I want to talk about that. I mean, most 264 00:14:10,276 --> 00:14:13,156 Speaker 2: men are if they've never heard that, are actually going 265 00:14:13,196 --> 00:14:19,636 Speaker 2: to maybe grin and realize, wow, you know I have 266 00:14:19,756 --> 00:14:23,356 Speaker 2: that kind of impact. Yes, it does. It has a 267 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:26,676 Speaker 2: tremendous influence because what she wants to do ultimately is 268 00:14:26,716 --> 00:14:30,516 Speaker 2: to connect with her husband, be reassured. Hear him apologize 269 00:14:30,516 --> 00:14:33,476 Speaker 2: for what he did wrong. But you can't be negative 270 00:14:33,596 --> 00:14:36,276 Speaker 2: on an ongoing basis to motivate him to be positive. 271 00:14:36,756 --> 00:14:39,916 Speaker 1: Yeah, ooh, that's so good. You can't be negative on 272 00:14:40,036 --> 00:14:43,676 Speaker 1: an ongoing basis to make your spouse do something positive. 273 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:51,596 Speaker 1: That's gold. Give us that quick primer on love and respect. 274 00:14:51,756 --> 00:14:53,556 Speaker 1: If we have not read the book, we're not that 275 00:14:53,676 --> 00:14:56,636 Speaker 1: familiar with it. What is this love and respect? What 276 00:14:56,756 --> 00:14:57,796 Speaker 1: is this crazy cycle? 277 00:14:58,396 --> 00:15:01,076 Speaker 2: Ephesians five point thirty three is the summary statement to 278 00:15:01,116 --> 00:15:03,436 Speaker 2: the what most would consider the greatest treatise in the 279 00:15:03,476 --> 00:15:06,956 Speaker 2: New Testament on marriage and the apostle Paul, who said 280 00:15:07,876 --> 00:15:10,436 Speaker 2: that which has been hidden in ages past has been 281 00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:13,116 Speaker 2: revealed to as holy apostles and prophets in the spirit, 282 00:15:13,356 --> 00:15:16,036 Speaker 2: So that in Ephesians III, I wasn't raising the church 283 00:15:16,436 --> 00:15:18,596 Speaker 2: and didn't come to Christ Tellar sixteen. But I had 284 00:15:18,596 --> 00:15:20,836 Speaker 2: to come to that point. Do I believe what Christ said? 285 00:15:21,076 --> 00:15:23,596 Speaker 2: It is written, it is written, it is written, man 286 00:15:23,596 --> 00:15:26,156 Speaker 2: shall not live by bread alone. So I believe that 287 00:15:26,196 --> 00:15:28,676 Speaker 2: He spoke through the prophets, through the apostles, and through 288 00:15:28,716 --> 00:15:32,356 Speaker 2: Christ Jesus himself, and that this Ephesians five point thirty 289 00:15:32,396 --> 00:15:35,996 Speaker 2: three is not an antiquated theoretical view restricted to the 290 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:39,436 Speaker 2: first century. And what he says there under divine revelation 291 00:15:40,076 --> 00:15:43,956 Speaker 2: is that husbands are commanded to love their wives and 292 00:15:44,116 --> 00:15:48,036 Speaker 2: wives are commanded to respect their husbands. And there's been 293 00:15:48,076 --> 00:15:50,796 Speaker 2: no debate on that first part. Every wife would say, yes, 294 00:15:50,836 --> 00:15:52,916 Speaker 2: he needs to be more loving. But when it comes 295 00:15:52,956 --> 00:15:56,236 Speaker 2: to the second part of respect, that's where the pushback 296 00:15:56,276 --> 00:15:59,396 Speaker 2: has been because there is this feeling that she's got 297 00:15:59,396 --> 00:16:01,996 Speaker 2: to respect things that aren't good, that she's got to 298 00:16:02,036 --> 00:16:04,516 Speaker 2: give him license to do whatever he wants to do, 299 00:16:05,156 --> 00:16:07,596 Speaker 2: she's got to ignore her feelings. He hasn't earned it, 300 00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:10,716 Speaker 2: he doesn't deserve it. And those are legitimate concerns, and 301 00:16:10,756 --> 00:16:12,716 Speaker 2: they're rooted in fear, not a mean spirit in this, 302 00:16:12,756 --> 00:16:15,556 Speaker 2: because women want their relationships to be better, but they're 303 00:16:15,596 --> 00:16:18,156 Speaker 2: afraid that they're being asked to do something that they've 304 00:16:18,156 --> 00:16:21,956 Speaker 2: been conditioned to believe, that they're going to be second 305 00:16:21,996 --> 00:16:25,196 Speaker 2: fiddle and they're going to be dismissed as unimportant. So 306 00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:27,716 Speaker 2: what I though saw is I was meditating on this. 307 00:16:28,156 --> 00:16:32,716 Speaker 2: What happens when I fail to love Sarah, well, you 308 00:16:32,756 --> 00:16:38,796 Speaker 2: know what, she doesn't respond positively, she responds negatively. In fact, 309 00:16:39,596 --> 00:16:42,356 Speaker 2: I never feel that when she's negatively responding to me 310 00:16:42,396 --> 00:16:45,396 Speaker 2: that she's unloving. It's within her nature to nurture. Sarah 311 00:16:45,436 --> 00:16:47,596 Speaker 2: loves to love is every woman, I won't see it, 312 00:16:47,596 --> 00:16:49,716 Speaker 2: and they love love, so I mean most men. I 313 00:16:49,716 --> 00:16:51,516 Speaker 2: don't doubt that she loves me. She tells me that 314 00:16:51,556 --> 00:16:53,596 Speaker 2: every day, and I know she does. She can't not 315 00:16:53,756 --> 00:16:57,116 Speaker 2: love and so, but I know she doesn't like me, 316 00:16:57,836 --> 00:17:00,436 Speaker 2: and she also has expressed that she doesn't respect me 317 00:17:00,556 --> 00:17:03,316 Speaker 2: right now. And in a man's world, this is huge. 318 00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:06,876 Speaker 2: To be totally you're inadequate and you're not respected is 319 00:17:07,036 --> 00:17:10,436 Speaker 2: off the chart. And it's not rooted in narcissism. It's 320 00:17:10,436 --> 00:17:12,916 Speaker 2: what motivates us to serve and die. So when you 321 00:17:12,955 --> 00:17:15,636 Speaker 2: tell us and you react in a way that's disrespectful, 322 00:17:15,916 --> 00:17:18,555 Speaker 2: then we tend to shut down and pull away. And 323 00:17:18,596 --> 00:17:20,955 Speaker 2: what we do then in response to that, that's even 324 00:17:20,996 --> 00:17:23,156 Speaker 2: more unloving. So then it gives birth to what I 325 00:17:23,196 --> 00:17:27,116 Speaker 2: call the crazy cycle without love. She reacts without respect, yep, 326 00:17:27,196 --> 00:17:29,676 Speaker 2: that's there, and me and then without respect, I react 327 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:32,516 Speaker 2: without love yep. That's that's me, and then this thing 328 00:17:32,556 --> 00:17:37,235 Speaker 2: starts to spin. And I always insert women need riespect 329 00:17:38,275 --> 00:17:41,715 Speaker 2: and men need lovee But we've asked seven thousand people 330 00:17:41,715 --> 00:17:43,836 Speaker 2: this question, when you're in a conflict with their spouse, 331 00:17:44,196 --> 00:17:47,475 Speaker 2: do you feel unloved at that moment or disrespected? Arlen? 332 00:17:47,676 --> 00:17:52,436 Speaker 2: Eighty three percent of the men said they feel disrespected. Now, 333 00:17:52,475 --> 00:17:55,116 Speaker 2: if we say they're egotistical and narcissistic, then you don't 334 00:17:55,156 --> 00:17:57,076 Speaker 2: have to listen to this. But if we're talking about 335 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,235 Speaker 2: goodwilled men who would literally die for you, then we 336 00:17:59,275 --> 00:18:02,795 Speaker 2: need to hear what's being said. And seventy two percent 337 00:18:02,796 --> 00:18:05,475 Speaker 2: of the women say they feel unloved. So when you 338 00:18:05,515 --> 00:18:08,436 Speaker 2: look at that from a statistically significant standpoint, it's as 339 00:18:08,436 --> 00:18:11,275 Speaker 2: different as night is from day, as pink is from blue. 340 00:18:11,715 --> 00:18:14,836 Speaker 2: And I always say, if this fits, then wear the shoe. 341 00:18:14,876 --> 00:18:16,395 Speaker 2: If it doesn't fit, I'm not trying to force it 342 00:18:16,475 --> 00:18:18,275 Speaker 2: because there are all reversals. There's some men who are 343 00:18:18,275 --> 00:18:22,635 Speaker 2: insecure about their women who insecure about respect, but typically 344 00:18:22,876 --> 00:18:25,476 Speaker 2: it still lands on those categories. So you still get 345 00:18:25,515 --> 00:18:27,876 Speaker 2: on the crazy cycle and you're going to have to 346 00:18:27,955 --> 00:18:30,236 Speaker 2: decode that and figure out a way to jump off 347 00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:32,515 Speaker 2: of it. So that's the essence of the message, and 348 00:18:32,556 --> 00:18:35,156 Speaker 2: that's what the crazy cycle is all about, and that's 349 00:18:35,235 --> 00:18:36,796 Speaker 2: the history of how that evolved. 350 00:18:38,196 --> 00:18:40,996 Speaker 1: It's so good because it's whatever's hard for us. Right, 351 00:18:41,035 --> 00:18:43,116 Speaker 1: So it's easy for me to love, so I figure, oh, 352 00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,916 Speaker 1: of course it's going to be easy for him to love. 353 00:18:45,356 --> 00:18:47,196 Speaker 1: And he thinks it's easy for me to respect, So 354 00:18:47,235 --> 00:18:48,836 Speaker 1: what's it so hard for her to respect? 355 00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:53,676 Speaker 2: Right? Bing Bingley Yep, No, that's exactly right, Arlene. And 356 00:18:53,715 --> 00:18:56,196 Speaker 2: that's why this is such a challenge to us, because 357 00:18:56,196 --> 00:18:57,835 Speaker 2: then that goes back to what I said earlier. We 358 00:18:57,876 --> 00:19:00,916 Speaker 2: appeal to the other person, Could you just say that 359 00:19:01,035 --> 00:19:04,076 Speaker 2: more gently? You come across as angry with. 360 00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:08,115 Speaker 1: Me constantly say to my husband, just the tone, Just 361 00:19:08,396 --> 00:19:12,436 Speaker 1: change the tone. What you're saying is great, I agree, 362 00:19:12,475 --> 00:19:15,196 Speaker 1: but the tone tells me, you know, you're you're all 363 00:19:15,275 --> 00:19:16,996 Speaker 1: upset or something and I can't hear you. 364 00:19:17,916 --> 00:19:20,596 Speaker 2: That's right, and we all identify with what you're saying there, 365 00:19:20,596 --> 00:19:22,636 Speaker 2: and that's why earlier I said, we appeal to the 366 00:19:22,676 --> 00:19:26,396 Speaker 2: other person, please stop, and they don't stop, so then 367 00:19:26,396 --> 00:19:29,156 Speaker 2: we begin to think we don't matter, and that's when 368 00:19:29,196 --> 00:19:32,235 Speaker 2: we begin to think there's something's not right here, and 369 00:19:32,275 --> 00:19:34,636 Speaker 2: the challenge us is for us to figure out, well, 370 00:19:34,676 --> 00:19:36,916 Speaker 2: how then do we move forward in these dynamics. And 371 00:19:36,916 --> 00:19:38,876 Speaker 2: that's part of what light bulbs all them up, because 372 00:19:38,876 --> 00:19:41,356 Speaker 2: we talk about how do you do this dance when 373 00:19:41,396 --> 00:19:44,235 Speaker 2: these kinds of things happen. And what makes it even 374 00:19:44,235 --> 00:19:46,515 Speaker 2: more difficult is that we know we're right, and so 375 00:19:46,556 --> 00:19:49,475 Speaker 2: if I'm right, my spouse has to be wrong. And 376 00:19:49,515 --> 00:19:51,115 Speaker 2: then what we do is we have a tendency to 377 00:19:51,275 --> 00:19:53,955 Speaker 2: judge them as wrong when they're setting there thinking, but 378 00:19:54,035 --> 00:19:56,075 Speaker 2: I'm not trying to be wrong. I'm filled with good will. 379 00:19:56,636 --> 00:19:58,475 Speaker 2: And James may say, and I die for you if 380 00:19:58,515 --> 00:19:59,475 Speaker 2: you don't kill me first. 381 00:20:00,196 --> 00:20:05,475 Speaker 1: Right, It's so true. You've mentioned goodwill a few times 382 00:20:05,515 --> 00:20:08,436 Speaker 1: in this interview, and I think it's really important you 383 00:20:08,796 --> 00:20:12,516 Speaker 1: write in the book make the assertion that your spouse 384 00:20:12,636 --> 00:20:15,596 Speaker 1: has goodwill. And this is something I think I learned 385 00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:18,436 Speaker 1: from my mother, because my mom is always defending the 386 00:20:18,436 --> 00:20:20,715 Speaker 1: other person. And if we say, oh, this person's always late, 387 00:20:20,796 --> 00:20:22,595 Speaker 1: my mom will be the one to say, oh, maybe 388 00:20:22,636 --> 00:20:25,676 Speaker 1: something came up with them something, and so she is 389 00:20:25,796 --> 00:20:28,676 Speaker 1: notorious for that, and I'm notorious for that. So my 390 00:20:28,796 --> 00:20:31,475 Speaker 1: family will joke like, you don't have to defend every 391 00:20:31,556 --> 00:20:33,036 Speaker 1: person on the planet, you know. 392 00:20:33,035 --> 00:20:33,235 Speaker 2: To me. 393 00:20:33,836 --> 00:20:36,916 Speaker 1: So for me to assume that James has goodwill has 394 00:20:36,995 --> 00:20:39,795 Speaker 1: been fairly easy. I can wrap my brain around that. 395 00:20:39,836 --> 00:20:42,676 Speaker 1: When he says put that bread down, you know, because 396 00:20:42,715 --> 00:20:45,235 Speaker 1: we're trying to like be healthy or something, I can 397 00:20:45,515 --> 00:20:48,676 Speaker 1: make myself realize, Okay, he's saying this out of goodwill, 398 00:20:49,156 --> 00:20:51,755 Speaker 1: that he wants you to be healthy, although obviously in 399 00:20:51,796 --> 00:20:55,035 Speaker 1: the moment that is not a pleasant thing. Help us understand, like, 400 00:20:55,196 --> 00:20:57,916 Speaker 1: how do we make this assertion if it doesn't come 401 00:20:58,035 --> 00:21:01,075 Speaker 1: naturally to us? And then talk about that twenty and 402 00:21:01,116 --> 00:21:01,796 Speaker 1: eighty percent. 403 00:21:02,196 --> 00:21:04,796 Speaker 2: Yeah, well, first of all, first Grinthian seven thirty three 404 00:21:04,916 --> 00:21:06,596 Speaker 2: and thirty four is what gave me the clue in 405 00:21:06,676 --> 00:21:09,995 Speaker 2: this the apostle Paul said that the husband is concerned 406 00:21:09,995 --> 00:21:12,515 Speaker 2: about how to please his wife, and the wife is 407 00:21:12,556 --> 00:21:15,715 Speaker 2: concerned about how to please her husband. Now he penned 408 00:21:15,796 --> 00:21:19,355 Speaker 2: Romans the Great Treatise on Total Gravity, that we're fallen, 409 00:21:19,436 --> 00:21:21,636 Speaker 2: that we need a savior, that Christ went to the 410 00:21:21,636 --> 00:21:24,995 Speaker 2: cross so that we could be forgiven justified by faith, 411 00:21:25,035 --> 00:21:27,396 Speaker 2: and what Christ did on the cross. But Paul didn't 412 00:21:27,436 --> 00:21:29,475 Speaker 2: say to husbands and wives at corinth you know the 413 00:21:29,515 --> 00:21:31,635 Speaker 2: reason you have these conflicts and troubles, and you're just 414 00:21:31,636 --> 00:21:35,996 Speaker 2: sinful and selfish. He didn't do that. It doesn't mean 415 00:21:35,995 --> 00:21:38,115 Speaker 2: that they weren't sinful and selfish, and it didn't mean that. 416 00:21:38,156 --> 00:21:41,355 Speaker 2: Other times he talks about issues like that. But I 417 00:21:41,436 --> 00:21:44,476 Speaker 2: find it intriguing. Your husband is concerned about how to 418 00:21:44,596 --> 00:21:47,035 Speaker 2: please you, and your wife is concerned about how to 419 00:21:47,076 --> 00:21:49,116 Speaker 2: please you. Neither of us get up early in the 420 00:21:49,156 --> 00:21:53,875 Speaker 2: morning to storyboard ways to annoy each other. It doesn't happen. 421 00:21:53,995 --> 00:21:55,676 Speaker 2: So how is it at the end of the day 422 00:21:56,116 --> 00:21:58,955 Speaker 2: we feel that the other isn't concerned, at least not 423 00:21:58,955 --> 00:22:01,116 Speaker 2: to the extent that they should be. And they really 424 00:22:01,116 --> 00:22:04,235 Speaker 2: didn't think about pleasing me to the extent that they should. 425 00:22:04,436 --> 00:22:05,996 Speaker 2: So all of us have to come to a point 426 00:22:06,035 --> 00:22:10,035 Speaker 2: where we believe scripture above our own feelings. The facts 427 00:22:10,076 --> 00:22:12,515 Speaker 2: of scripture. Here, the scripture is asserting that in the 428 00:22:12,755 --> 00:22:16,595 Speaker 2: overall scheme, Paul is asserting that your husband is not 429 00:22:16,755 --> 00:22:19,595 Speaker 2: ill willed. He's not evil willed. He's not trying to 430 00:22:19,636 --> 00:22:22,475 Speaker 2: be indifferent to you consciously. He's not trying to displease 431 00:22:22,515 --> 00:22:25,676 Speaker 2: you consciously, nor is your wife. You know, but some 432 00:22:25,715 --> 00:22:27,916 Speaker 2: men just think their wives are out to just annoy them. 433 00:22:28,035 --> 00:22:31,116 Speaker 2: She just does this, And I say to guys back 434 00:22:31,196 --> 00:22:34,356 Speaker 2: off that that is just not the case at all. 435 00:22:35,035 --> 00:22:37,156 Speaker 2: You're talking about the mother of your children. You're saying 436 00:22:37,196 --> 00:22:39,035 Speaker 2: that she gets up just early in the morning to 437 00:22:39,076 --> 00:22:39,755 Speaker 2: irritate you. 438 00:22:40,676 --> 00:22:42,116 Speaker 1: Can I do today? 439 00:22:42,556 --> 00:22:44,876 Speaker 2: What can I do to make this man mad? And 440 00:22:44,955 --> 00:22:47,795 Speaker 2: it just is not the case. So we have to 441 00:22:47,796 --> 00:22:50,396 Speaker 2: come to a point where we make the broad conclusion 442 00:22:50,916 --> 00:22:55,676 Speaker 2: overall Sarah has goodwill. Overall Emerson has goodwill. I'll even 443 00:22:55,715 --> 00:22:58,676 Speaker 2: say at our conference, does your spouse have basic goodwill? 444 00:22:58,755 --> 00:23:00,955 Speaker 2: People have written me, you know, thank you for that question. 445 00:23:01,035 --> 00:23:02,755 Speaker 2: Of course they do. I wouldn't have married him if 446 00:23:02,796 --> 00:23:05,156 Speaker 2: they didn't. So then the question is, well, how do 447 00:23:05,235 --> 00:23:07,996 Speaker 2: we deal with those moments where we do get nasty 448 00:23:08,035 --> 00:23:10,476 Speaker 2: with each other? And this is where we could take 449 00:23:10,475 --> 00:23:12,596 Speaker 2: a snapshot of those moments where we want Sarah and 450 00:23:12,636 --> 00:23:14,676 Speaker 2: I will get nasty with each other because we want 451 00:23:14,715 --> 00:23:16,516 Speaker 2: to will even be grinning when we are. I don't 452 00:23:16,556 --> 00:23:18,676 Speaker 2: want to apply to love and respect message right now. 453 00:23:18,515 --> 00:23:21,196 Speaker 1: Well, why let's give it thirty second break. 454 00:23:21,436 --> 00:23:24,115 Speaker 2: That's exactly right. We can't live under that pressure. And 455 00:23:24,156 --> 00:23:25,996 Speaker 2: so if someone took a snapshot of us, they could 456 00:23:25,995 --> 00:23:29,715 Speaker 2: incriminate us. But that snapshot doesn't represent the movie, and 457 00:23:29,755 --> 00:23:33,715 Speaker 2: it's very important that we don't defame somebody based on 458 00:23:33,755 --> 00:23:36,996 Speaker 2: these snapshot moments, which sometimes are triggered by our own 459 00:23:37,035 --> 00:23:40,715 Speaker 2: meltdowns toward them. But we conveniently keep that away out 460 00:23:40,715 --> 00:23:43,476 Speaker 2: of the story that we're telling other people. But how 461 00:23:43,475 --> 00:23:45,916 Speaker 2: do you then deal with these moments, the twenty percent 462 00:23:46,235 --> 00:23:48,876 Speaker 2: of the eighty twenty scenario where there are going to 463 00:23:48,916 --> 00:23:52,396 Speaker 2: be these disappointments, Well, the major way of doing that 464 00:23:52,515 --> 00:23:54,515 Speaker 2: is by seeing them in the way that Jesus Christ 465 00:23:54,596 --> 00:23:58,315 Speaker 2: sees them and believing that you're not married to a Judas, 466 00:23:58,396 --> 00:24:01,436 Speaker 2: you're married to a Peter. Both deny Jesus. But there's 467 00:24:01,436 --> 00:24:05,196 Speaker 2: a difference between labeling your spouses a Judas when they're 468 00:24:05,275 --> 00:24:08,076 Speaker 2: just an inadequate Peter that have a heart for the Lord, 469 00:24:08,396 --> 00:24:12,235 Speaker 2: but they have shortcomings. And we can only confront that 470 00:24:12,275 --> 00:24:15,756 Speaker 2: twenty percent if you truly go on record for believing 471 00:24:15,836 --> 00:24:18,636 Speaker 2: in the eighty percent. So Sarah will say to me, 472 00:24:18,955 --> 00:24:21,835 Speaker 2: you're an honorable man, you love Jesus, But explain to 473 00:24:21,876 --> 00:24:22,396 Speaker 2: me how. 474 00:24:22,235 --> 00:24:27,316 Speaker 1: You did this right? Yes, and then not thinking about 475 00:24:27,596 --> 00:24:31,916 Speaker 1: that negative twenty percent throughout the day kind of shifting 476 00:24:31,955 --> 00:24:34,596 Speaker 1: and thinking like, eighty percent of the time, we're really good, 477 00:24:34,755 --> 00:24:36,676 Speaker 1: you know. And it's it's like what you said at 478 00:24:36,715 --> 00:24:38,916 Speaker 1: the beginning of the podcast. You may feel like you're 479 00:24:38,955 --> 00:24:41,916 Speaker 1: miles apart, but when you start thinking about this, wait, 480 00:24:42,116 --> 00:24:45,475 Speaker 1: you have basic goodwill. There's eighty percent of our life 481 00:24:45,515 --> 00:24:48,315 Speaker 1: that's really good. And then you start realizing, wait, this 482 00:24:48,436 --> 00:24:50,595 Speaker 1: is not nearly as bad as I think it is. 483 00:24:51,116 --> 00:24:53,355 Speaker 2: Well and on that point, yeah, on that point. And 484 00:24:53,475 --> 00:24:55,995 Speaker 2: this is something that women struggle with, according to their testamenty, 485 00:24:55,995 --> 00:25:00,316 Speaker 2: because women will rehearse and they're rehearsing these episodes and 486 00:25:00,556 --> 00:25:04,036 Speaker 2: I've gotten again, just so many emails. And the typical 487 00:25:04,076 --> 00:25:07,436 Speaker 2: pattern is women will express five, four to six negative 488 00:25:07,475 --> 00:25:09,676 Speaker 2: things about her husband. And she's not trying to throw 489 00:25:09,755 --> 00:25:11,196 Speaker 2: him on the bus. She's saying, I don't know how 490 00:25:11,235 --> 00:25:13,196 Speaker 2: to deal with this. And then she'll always say, but 491 00:25:13,916 --> 00:25:16,355 Speaker 2: I'm not innocent here. I have my issues I got 492 00:25:16,396 --> 00:25:18,436 Speaker 2: to deal with. However, what am I supposed to do? Emerson? 493 00:25:18,955 --> 00:25:20,795 Speaker 2: And so then I'll write back, would you do me 494 00:25:20,796 --> 00:25:22,996 Speaker 2: a favorite? First of all, would you write out all 495 00:25:23,076 --> 00:25:26,156 Speaker 2: the positive things about him? And then send that list 496 00:25:26,156 --> 00:25:29,396 Speaker 2: to me? And then I want to address those six 497 00:25:29,475 --> 00:25:33,196 Speaker 2: negatives again and again, Arlie, and women will say thank 498 00:25:33,235 --> 00:25:35,916 Speaker 2: you for having me do that exercise. I fell in 499 00:25:35,916 --> 00:25:39,876 Speaker 2: love with my husband all over again, and that's very 500 00:25:39,876 --> 00:25:42,556 Speaker 2: precious to me. I mean, it doesn't happen in every situation, 501 00:25:42,596 --> 00:25:44,715 Speaker 2: because there can be some really bad men out there, 502 00:25:44,955 --> 00:25:50,595 Speaker 2: but overall, women want a perfect relationship. They're striving for that, 503 00:25:50,676 --> 00:25:53,516 Speaker 2: they're working at that personally, they're pushing in that direction. 504 00:25:53,995 --> 00:25:56,756 Speaker 2: But what happens is they begin to experience these negative 505 00:25:56,796 --> 00:26:00,436 Speaker 2: moments and it hurts her and there's a tendency to 506 00:26:00,556 --> 00:26:04,155 Speaker 2: focus on the negative rather than on the positive. And 507 00:26:04,235 --> 00:26:08,156 Speaker 2: so rehearsing again the positive is so important because it 508 00:26:08,235 --> 00:26:11,315 Speaker 2: keeps that balance and it keeps that perspective. It doesn't 509 00:26:11,356 --> 00:26:13,916 Speaker 2: mean you dismiss those issues that need to be addressed, 510 00:26:14,196 --> 00:26:17,156 Speaker 2: but it means don't lose sight. And I say to 511 00:26:17,235 --> 00:26:20,076 Speaker 2: women who have sons, do you want your sweet daughter 512 00:26:20,076 --> 00:26:22,555 Speaker 2: in law to be viewing your son the way you're 513 00:26:22,636 --> 00:26:23,635 Speaker 2: viewing your husband right now? 514 00:26:23,715 --> 00:26:26,516 Speaker 1: Yes? And then all of a sudden we'll change. Well, 515 00:26:26,636 --> 00:26:29,276 Speaker 1: that's the light bulb moment. We're like, we don't look 516 00:26:29,356 --> 00:26:32,555 Speaker 1: that it is. We don't want that to happen. Okay, 517 00:26:32,596 --> 00:26:34,916 Speaker 1: so many questions I have, but I'm going to end here. 518 00:26:35,596 --> 00:26:37,996 Speaker 1: We want to talk more, right, It's like, okay, well, 519 00:26:38,035 --> 00:26:39,995 Speaker 1: if we talked more, that would fix it. But you 520 00:26:40,116 --> 00:26:43,636 Speaker 1: write in your book it's not about talking more necessarily, 521 00:26:44,235 --> 00:26:48,556 Speaker 1: it's more about clarity and understanding help us to get there. 522 00:26:49,035 --> 00:26:50,835 Speaker 2: Well, first of all, women do have a need to 523 00:26:50,876 --> 00:26:53,035 Speaker 2: talk and they have a need to express. They build 524 00:26:53,356 --> 00:26:55,595 Speaker 2: rapport through giving the report. You give the report to 525 00:26:55,596 --> 00:26:59,115 Speaker 2: build reports. It's been said, and just you need to 526 00:26:59,156 --> 00:27:02,035 Speaker 2: do this. Women are episodic, They have episodes and they 527 00:27:02,076 --> 00:27:06,436 Speaker 2: need to So you're hardwired to communicate and to talk, 528 00:27:06,796 --> 00:27:09,755 Speaker 2: and it's just it's just the way you commune with 529 00:27:09,796 --> 00:27:12,916 Speaker 2: each other. It's a beautiful thing, and you feel very 530 00:27:12,916 --> 00:27:15,715 Speaker 2: comfortable in the ocean of emotion, as researchers have said. 531 00:27:16,235 --> 00:27:19,196 Speaker 2: So we're not dismissing that longing of your feminine hard 532 00:27:19,235 --> 00:27:23,115 Speaker 2: in particular. But what happens sometimes we think that if 533 00:27:23,156 --> 00:27:26,196 Speaker 2: we talk more to our husband, that if I can 534 00:27:26,356 --> 00:27:29,876 Speaker 2: just maybe this conversation will finally hear me. That it's 535 00:27:29,955 --> 00:27:33,676 Speaker 2: not more talking, it's using the right word choice to 536 00:27:33,715 --> 00:27:35,916 Speaker 2: be able to get through to a man in particular, 537 00:27:36,196 --> 00:27:39,036 Speaker 2: what it is you're trying to say partly because it's 538 00:27:39,076 --> 00:27:42,356 Speaker 2: not that he's not hearing you. What he's hearing, though 539 00:27:42,356 --> 00:27:44,836 Speaker 2: it's not totally correct, is that you're sending a message 540 00:27:44,836 --> 00:27:47,955 Speaker 2: again that he's not good enough and that he's failing you. 541 00:27:48,636 --> 00:27:50,835 Speaker 2: And this is a huge thing that women can't imagine. 542 00:27:50,916 --> 00:27:53,276 Speaker 2: You actually think that every time I approaches what I'm 543 00:27:53,436 --> 00:27:56,516 Speaker 2: I'm feeling like he's not loving me, that he's hurt 544 00:27:56,596 --> 00:27:59,396 Speaker 2: my feelings. He's not apologizing, he's not saying I'm sorry. 545 00:27:59,556 --> 00:28:03,156 Speaker 2: Can't he just resolve this, reconcile so I can get 546 00:28:03,156 --> 00:28:05,156 Speaker 2: on all out serving him. He has no idea what 547 00:28:05,156 --> 00:28:06,436 Speaker 2: I'm going to do for him. If he just said 548 00:28:06,436 --> 00:28:08,676 Speaker 2: I'm sorry, will you forgive me? And makes a little 549 00:28:08,715 --> 00:28:11,676 Speaker 2: adjustment in the right, Does he not know what I 550 00:28:11,715 --> 00:28:14,436 Speaker 2: will do in response to that, and what this releases 551 00:28:14,515 --> 00:28:17,755 Speaker 2: from my system and how the world is perfect because 552 00:28:17,755 --> 00:28:22,076 Speaker 2: of this? No, he does, because he thinks you're saying 553 00:28:22,076 --> 00:28:25,796 Speaker 2: to him he's inadequate, he's not good enough, and that 554 00:28:25,836 --> 00:28:28,635 Speaker 2: he's failing you, and he's naturally is a male going 555 00:28:28,676 --> 00:28:30,876 Speaker 2: to pull away from that. So you need to then 556 00:28:31,076 --> 00:28:35,716 Speaker 2: understand his vocabulary. It's not more words, it's using If 557 00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:38,796 Speaker 2: he speaks perfect Spanish, and you speak perfect German, but 558 00:28:39,036 --> 00:28:41,036 Speaker 2: neither one of you speak the other. What we have 559 00:28:41,076 --> 00:28:45,036 Speaker 2: a tendency to do is talk more and talk louder louder. Yes, 560 00:28:45,196 --> 00:28:47,756 Speaker 2: and it's just not going to get true. So, in 561 00:28:47,796 --> 00:28:50,156 Speaker 2: the case of a woman twit, her husband say, how 562 00:28:50,156 --> 00:28:52,476 Speaker 2: do I say this in a way that doesn't send 563 00:28:52,516 --> 00:28:54,075 Speaker 2: you the message you think I'm trying to diss you 564 00:28:54,236 --> 00:28:56,436 Speaker 2: right now that you're an able man and I know 565 00:28:56,516 --> 00:28:58,876 Speaker 2: you would die for me, but I need help right now. 566 00:28:58,916 --> 00:29:02,676 Speaker 2: I'm feeling insecure. I need your strength. Can we broach 567 00:29:02,956 --> 00:29:06,916 Speaker 2: this subject for about ten minutes sometime this evening? Is 568 00:29:06,956 --> 00:29:09,796 Speaker 2: there a good time? And if I get into this 569 00:29:09,876 --> 00:29:11,676 Speaker 2: that you think I'm trying to send a message that 570 00:29:11,716 --> 00:29:13,835 Speaker 2: you're inadequate and I don't respect you, that isn't even more. 571 00:29:13,876 --> 00:29:17,115 Speaker 2: My mind is more. I just need reassurance and I 572 00:29:17,156 --> 00:29:19,036 Speaker 2: need something from you that only you can give to me. 573 00:29:19,276 --> 00:29:22,036 Speaker 2: Can we have that conversation? And I say to women, 574 00:29:22,076 --> 00:29:23,196 Speaker 2: why don't you talk this way? 575 00:29:23,716 --> 00:29:24,276 Speaker 1: Yeah? 576 00:29:24,636 --> 00:29:26,916 Speaker 2: Both, and women say, because no one's told us this, 577 00:29:27,236 --> 00:29:28,716 Speaker 2: and also because we have to come to a point 578 00:29:28,756 --> 00:29:31,316 Speaker 2: where we know we're listening to the Pemis team. We're 579 00:29:31,316 --> 00:29:33,716 Speaker 2: listening to those women who troll. And there is this 580 00:29:33,836 --> 00:29:36,835 Speaker 2: mindset among women in particular that you're letting go of 581 00:29:36,876 --> 00:29:40,075 Speaker 2: your your your strength and independence. If you were to 582 00:29:40,116 --> 00:29:42,956 Speaker 2: voice that, well, that would be the same as me saying, men, 583 00:29:42,996 --> 00:29:45,036 Speaker 2: don't talk lovingly to your wife because you're going to 584 00:29:45,036 --> 00:29:45,676 Speaker 2: become weak. 585 00:29:47,556 --> 00:29:49,115 Speaker 1: You turn into a big puddle. 586 00:29:50,236 --> 00:29:52,076 Speaker 2: Honey, how do I say this in a loving way? 587 00:29:52,596 --> 00:29:54,516 Speaker 2: You know, my old man, you know the issues I'm saying. 588 00:29:54,836 --> 00:29:56,436 Speaker 2: I don't want to say this. I'm loving, man, I'm 589 00:29:56,436 --> 00:29:59,156 Speaker 2: frustrated right now. But this is the third time you 590 00:29:59,356 --> 00:30:00,796 Speaker 2: backed into the garage door. 591 00:30:01,236 --> 00:30:05,036 Speaker 1: Help me, help me. Oh, she's done that too, I've 592 00:30:05,036 --> 00:30:10,236 Speaker 1: done that. Well, well, my thing is I opened that. 593 00:30:10,316 --> 00:30:15,036 Speaker 1: We have a van and I opened the trunk. That's 594 00:30:15,036 --> 00:30:17,516 Speaker 1: my thing. No, this is so good because if you 595 00:30:17,676 --> 00:30:22,916 Speaker 1: use this language, I need your strength. Yes, Like what man, 596 00:30:23,036 --> 00:30:26,996 Speaker 1: It's like, yes, I will give you my strength versus, hey, 597 00:30:26,996 --> 00:30:29,196 Speaker 1: I have a problem with you. You done it, you know, 598 00:30:29,196 --> 00:30:31,436 Speaker 1: And it's like you're just jabbing at all these weaknesses 599 00:30:31,476 --> 00:30:34,276 Speaker 1: and it feels like disrespect. I think of it the 600 00:30:34,276 --> 00:30:37,316 Speaker 1: Happy Home podcast. You know six words from the Book 601 00:30:37,356 --> 00:30:43,595 Speaker 1: of Ephesians that would make everything work so beautifully. Husband's love, wives, respect, children, obey, 602 00:30:44,036 --> 00:30:47,076 Speaker 1: you get those six words moving in your home and 603 00:30:47,156 --> 00:30:49,756 Speaker 1: you're going to have a very very happy home. This 604 00:30:50,076 --> 00:30:53,595 Speaker 1: has been so good. And if you're listening and you're like, 605 00:30:53,676 --> 00:30:56,716 Speaker 1: wait a minute, I need him to continue talking so 606 00:30:56,796 --> 00:30:59,636 Speaker 1: I can understand this better, you go get the book 607 00:30:59,996 --> 00:31:04,596 Speaker 1: Light Bulb Moments in Marriage Twelve Biblical Perspectives for Successful 608 00:31:04,676 --> 00:31:08,436 Speaker 1: and Satisfied Couples. Emerson. How can people learn more about 609 00:31:08,556 --> 00:31:09,716 Speaker 1: you and stay in touch with you? 610 00:31:10,276 --> 00:31:13,396 Speaker 2: Oh, thank you for that question. No, our website Love 611 00:31:13,436 --> 00:31:15,595 Speaker 2: and Respect dot com l O V E A N 612 00:31:15,676 --> 00:31:18,236 Speaker 2: D R E, S P E c T dot com, 613 00:31:18,636 --> 00:31:21,395 Speaker 2: and we would encourage you to join the community there 614 00:31:21,396 --> 00:31:24,916 Speaker 2: if you have all this content podcasts and articles and 615 00:31:25,196 --> 00:31:27,796 Speaker 2: doing clips and so we'd love for them to check 616 00:31:27,836 --> 00:31:30,635 Speaker 2: that out. But yeah, I'm very excited about all the 617 00:31:30,716 --> 00:31:34,036 Speaker 2: testimonies Arlene that you've been highlighting here in this book 618 00:31:34,036 --> 00:31:37,075 Speaker 2: that will encourage people. And it really is true that 619 00:31:37,156 --> 00:31:39,115 Speaker 2: you're not miles apart. A lot of times you're just 620 00:31:39,196 --> 00:31:43,236 Speaker 2: inches because there's just an honest misunderstanding among two people 621 00:31:43,276 --> 00:31:47,196 Speaker 2: of goodwill who are fallen but who are not mean spirited. 622 00:31:47,636 --> 00:31:50,236 Speaker 1: It's so good. It's such a good reminder today. Thank 623 00:31:50,236 --> 00:31:51,476 Speaker 1: you so much, Doctor Egerich. 624 00:31:52,116 --> 00:31:52,436 Speaker 2: Thank you. 625 00:31:54,196 --> 00:31:57,516 Speaker 1: I hope you've enjoyed today's conversation. I'd love to keep 626 00:31:57,556 --> 00:32:01,196 Speaker 1: in touch beyond this podcast. Click subscribe in the show 627 00:32:01,236 --> 00:32:03,835 Speaker 1: notes and I will give you my latest email to 628 00:32:03,916 --> 00:32:07,756 Speaker 1: keep up on what's happening with technology and kids. And 629 00:32:07,796 --> 00:32:10,396 Speaker 1: maybe you like reading or listening to books. 630 00:32:10,436 --> 00:32:11,636 Speaker 2: I have a lot of books. 631 00:32:11,716 --> 00:32:15,236 Speaker 1: You could start with The Big Three, Making Marriage Easier, 632 00:32:15,796 --> 00:32:20,036 Speaker 1: Parents Rising, or Screen Kids. Thank you to the team 633 00:32:20,076 --> 00:32:23,316 Speaker 1: at life Audio for their partnership with the Happy Home podcast. 634 00:32:23,756 --> 00:32:27,036 Speaker 1: Check out lifeaudio dot com for dozens of other faith 635 00:32:27,116 --> 00:32:31,996 Speaker 1: related podcasts about prayer, Bible study, and more. Remember you 636 00:32:32,076 --> 00:32:35,076 Speaker 1: don't have to come from a happy home to create one. 637 00:32:35,396 --> 00:32:37,756 Speaker 1: You two can have a happy homes.