1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:03,640 Speaker 1: Life Audio. 2 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,360 Speaker 2: Welcome to I Wish you could hear this, where we 3 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:13,240 Speaker 2: explore great stories and simple, proven steps to help you 4 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:15,960 Speaker 2: thrive in life, faith, and relationships. 5 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:20,920 Speaker 3: In our research, we've heard hundreds of Hopefield strategies for marriage, parenting, leadership, 6 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:24,319 Speaker 3: and life that are grounded in science and consistent with 7 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 3: biblical truth, and now you can hear them too. 8 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:31,760 Speaker 1: I'm Shanti Feldhon. 9 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,280 Speaker 3: And I'm Jeff Felgon, from. 10 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,640 Speaker 2: Brand new marriages to ones that have decades of experience. 11 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:40,519 Speaker 2: Many marriages arrive at a season where there are real difficulties. 12 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:44,600 Speaker 2: Maybe you're struggling with issues like finances or parenting. Maybe 13 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,360 Speaker 2: you feel like your spouse isn't the same person you 14 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:51,160 Speaker 2: met at the altar. Maybe you've experienced that slow slide 15 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:55,200 Speaker 2: of disconnection. But what happens when one or both spouses 16 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:59,040 Speaker 2: want to throw in the towel. Thankfully, you don't have 17 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:02,720 Speaker 2: to abandon what you've built. You can repair what's broken, 18 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,360 Speaker 2: and that is often the case even if there is 19 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,800 Speaker 2: only one person willing to work on the marriage. Lindsay 20 00:01:08,959 --> 00:01:13,280 Speaker 2: Maestas discovered that very personally and has a wealth of 21 00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:15,840 Speaker 2: wisdom to share. That is what we are going to 22 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,560 Speaker 2: talk about. Today on I wish you could hear this. 23 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,919 Speaker 3: Lindsey, thank you so much for being on our podcast. 24 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,360 Speaker 4: Thanks Shanta, Thanks Jeff. I'm excited to be here. I 25 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:30,080 Speaker 4: feel honored. 26 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:32,240 Speaker 3: Well, we are greatful. 27 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:34,480 Speaker 1: We're honored that you're here. Yes, exactly. 28 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,160 Speaker 3: So let me just introduce you briefly. You're a wife 29 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:41,000 Speaker 3: and a mom of two boys. You're a writer, speaker, entrepreneur, 30 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:44,959 Speaker 3: and podcast host of Living Easy with Lindsay, which has 31 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,520 Speaker 3: an audience of more than three million listeners. You're also 32 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:51,560 Speaker 3: a creator of a marriage course called the Wife Project 33 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:55,880 Speaker 3: from Roommates to Soulmates to help women worldwide to create 34 00:01:55,920 --> 00:02:00,240 Speaker 3: connection and find purpose in their relationships. And you just 35 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,400 Speaker 3: released your book, Don't Burn your Own House Down. So 36 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 3: congratulations on the book. 37 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,120 Speaker 5: Thank you, Thanks so much. 38 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:11,560 Speaker 4: It has been it's been such a cool journey to 39 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,800 Speaker 4: go through the process. And I have it here and 40 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:18,960 Speaker 4: I feel, yeah. 41 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:20,240 Speaker 1: I yeah, I have the cover. By the way, I 42 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,399 Speaker 1: like it. 43 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,960 Speaker 4: We went back and forth for a while and I 44 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:29,800 Speaker 4: tell people God gave me the cover because the idea 45 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:32,120 Speaker 4: the covers that were given to me, I was just like, oh, 46 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,200 Speaker 4: it just doesn't feel like it fits me. 47 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:36,040 Speaker 5: And I chose one. 48 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,040 Speaker 4: It went out to all of the you know, Amazon, 49 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:43,600 Speaker 4: Barnes and Noble, everything. And that night I had this 50 00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:46,520 Speaker 4: cover in a dream and I went and I wrote 51 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:48,720 Speaker 4: my agent and I said, give me ten minutes on 52 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,800 Speaker 4: Canva and I want to create it and I'm going 53 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,040 Speaker 4: to send it to you because God gave me the 54 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,079 Speaker 4: cover and I sent it and they were like, oh yeah, 55 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:56,000 Speaker 4: we like it better than what we have and so 56 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:56,680 Speaker 4: they kept it. 57 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:57,440 Speaker 5: So that's a cool. 58 00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:57,960 Speaker 4: Wow. 59 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,679 Speaker 3: Yeah, real plug in there for Canva too. 60 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:03,840 Speaker 5: Yes, yeah it was. 61 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,440 Speaker 4: I mean we had to go a little more profession afterwards, 62 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,960 Speaker 4: but it was. It was so nice and I feel 63 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:13,480 Speaker 4: like it is a long lived dream. This is something 64 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,200 Speaker 4: I've wanted to do since I was four years old, 65 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,200 Speaker 4: to write a book. 66 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,240 Speaker 5: But I've always loved encouraging people. 67 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,640 Speaker 4: I've always loved picking the brains of people and to 68 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:24,320 Speaker 4: learn what works for them what doesn't work for them 69 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:27,680 Speaker 4: in life. And I've also been married about fourteen years 70 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:31,520 Speaker 4: or I haven't married fourteen years now, and it's I 71 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:35,480 Speaker 4: have my own experiences and I wanted to be able 72 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:39,600 Speaker 4: to encourage people as a peer, to say, hey, you're 73 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:43,600 Speaker 4: not alone in the struggles that you're facing. And sometimes 74 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,520 Speaker 4: we just need to talk about the nitty gritty stuff 75 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,480 Speaker 4: of marriage because it can be really hard. 76 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 2: Well, I love that you introduced that because I was 77 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,960 Speaker 2: going to say I love something that a note that 78 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:58,440 Speaker 2: you have on your website to say that one of 79 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,520 Speaker 2: the things you say is that you have one goal 80 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,680 Speaker 2: in ministry, which is to talk about the things that 81 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,560 Speaker 2: no one likes to talk about in order to remind 82 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,880 Speaker 2: you that you're more than your mess. That is so fantastic, 83 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:13,360 Speaker 2: and so just do us a favor and back us 84 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:16,640 Speaker 2: up a little bit, tell us so that we get 85 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 2: everybody on the same page. What led you to start 86 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:23,039 Speaker 2: your ministry and ultimately write this new book. 87 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:28,560 Speaker 4: Yeah, so I was postpartum about nine months. I had 88 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:32,359 Speaker 4: severe postpartum anxiety and depression. I thought at that point 89 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,359 Speaker 4: I was just broken, like I wasn't meant to be 90 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:38,400 Speaker 4: a mom because little things like putting my oldest son 91 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,440 Speaker 4: in the car seat, I thought I was going to 92 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 4: break his bones, and so I. 93 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,560 Speaker 5: Wouldn't do it like I couldn't. 94 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 2: Do it like your anxiety severe anxiety. 95 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,440 Speaker 4: Yes, but at the time I just saw I'm a 96 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:50,440 Speaker 4: horrible mom. 97 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,120 Speaker 5: I don't know what I'm doing. 98 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,520 Speaker 4: And my husband would tell me he had to work 99 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,160 Speaker 4: the next morning, and I wouldn't sleep the entire night 100 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,840 Speaker 4: because I knew he was going to be gone the 101 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,960 Speaker 4: next day. And until I had a very loving friend, 102 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,320 Speaker 4: I finally just shared everything with her and she said, 103 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:08,279 Speaker 4: you need to talk to somebody. This is like, you're struggling, 104 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:12,040 Speaker 4: You're having a hard time. And at that point, ten 105 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 4: eleven years ago, I there was not a lot of 106 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,800 Speaker 4: communication about these things. It was starting to come out. 107 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:20,920 Speaker 4: But I wrote one blog post and it was more 108 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:25,479 Speaker 4: so for myself, like a diary journal entry, and it 109 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:29,000 Speaker 4: blew up and it was two moms, and I was 110 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:32,479 Speaker 4: just really honest about my experience and thinking like I 111 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,240 Speaker 4: don't even know why I became a mom, or here 112 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,800 Speaker 4: are the struggles. I'm exhausted, but I don't want to 113 00:05:36,839 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 4: miss this anyways. I ended up sharing that and it 114 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:45,320 Speaker 4: some magazines digital magazines started picking it up and it 115 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:47,680 Speaker 4: went and it was a sign to me that I 116 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,960 Speaker 4: felt like Jesus was just saying, hey, people want to 117 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,240 Speaker 4: hear the real stuff because we have enough filtered, you know, 118 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:57,239 Speaker 4: highlight reels all over the Internet, and it's only gotten worse. 119 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,919 Speaker 4: But that became the core of my minute, is to 120 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,239 Speaker 4: talk about the mess, but not to stay there, because 121 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,080 Speaker 4: Jesus doesn't ever keep us stuck, he doesn't ever keep 122 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:11,160 Speaker 4: us trapped in condemnation. He frees us, He makes us new. 123 00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:14,760 Speaker 4: And so my heart is to say, hey, here's r mess. 124 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,960 Speaker 4: Even in chapter two and don't bring your own house down, 125 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,000 Speaker 4: I wrote how I almost burnt my own house down, 126 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,479 Speaker 4: and I talk about a moment where I was just 127 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,080 Speaker 4: cradled on the floor in tears because I didn't think 128 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,880 Speaker 4: I could do this anymore, and it was really vulnerable 129 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,400 Speaker 4: to share that. But I go back to those beginning 130 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,640 Speaker 4: days of blogging and podcasting when I would get emails 131 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,239 Speaker 4: from people to say, like, I've never heard another person 132 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,599 Speaker 4: be honest about this, and I felt so alone or 133 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:46,279 Speaker 4: I felt so ashamed, and shame keeps us trapped, the 134 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,000 Speaker 4: enemy uses it trapped. 135 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,680 Speaker 5: And so yeah, that was kind of the beginning. 136 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,599 Speaker 4: And I just kept writing and kept writing, and magazines 137 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,360 Speaker 4: focus on the family and they started sharing, and then 138 00:06:56,440 --> 00:07:00,279 Speaker 4: the podcast came, and that has been incredible. And it's 139 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 4: always been the goal to write. I want to be 140 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,080 Speaker 4: an author for the rest of my life, and so 141 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:07,480 Speaker 4: this was my debut, but there are many more to come, and. 142 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:13,200 Speaker 3: So yeah, you know, I love if I can. You 143 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,600 Speaker 3: talked about how the podcast you Know kind of came 144 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 3: about as a result of this. The title of the 145 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:25,280 Speaker 3: podcast Living Easy with Lindsay, what you've just described doesn't 146 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:32,240 Speaker 3: sound like living is easy, So can you explain the 147 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:32,640 Speaker 3: title a. 148 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:33,520 Speaker 1: Little sit sure? 149 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 5: Yeah. 150 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 4: So what I find in a lot of people is 151 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,360 Speaker 4: that they choose to live in a sense of stagnancy 152 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:48,440 Speaker 4: that they are they accept, they accept life on a plateau. 153 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,200 Speaker 4: And while I believe a lot of life is a plateau, 154 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,320 Speaker 4: and C. S. Lewis talks about this, we have peaks 155 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 4: and then we have valleys, but a lot of our 156 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 4: life has lived on the plateau. And I think that's 157 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,760 Speaker 4: fine because that's a state of content. But I also 158 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,320 Speaker 4: believe strongly that God does not call us to stay 159 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 4: there in certain areas of our lives. That there are 160 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:10,640 Speaker 4: seasons in which we're called to live with excellence, but 161 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,640 Speaker 4: it doesn't always come easily. 162 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:13,440 Speaker 5: And so it is a. 163 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,520 Speaker 4: Little bit of like a play because as I address things, 164 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:19,720 Speaker 4: I talk a lot about the difficulty of life and 165 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:24,240 Speaker 4: the pain of life. But I believe that true freedom 166 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:28,480 Speaker 4: and easy living comes from challenging yourself and taking the 167 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:32,600 Speaker 4: risks and becoming the best version of yourself because it 168 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,920 Speaker 4: is choose your heart, right, So you can either choose 169 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,320 Speaker 4: the heart of staying stuck, or you can choose the 170 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,440 Speaker 4: heart of doing the things you've always dreamt of doing, 171 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,920 Speaker 4: Of having the healthy family, of having children who love 172 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,040 Speaker 4: the Lord, of taking care of your body and your mind. 173 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:50,280 Speaker 4: And so, as I discuss in the podcast i talk 174 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,400 Speaker 4: about faith in motherhood and marriage and all of the relationships, 175 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:58,480 Speaker 4: is that living easy truly comes from living to up 176 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:03,600 Speaker 4: to your potential in the freedom of doing the hard work. 177 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,680 Speaker 4: And so, yeah, it's kind of a play, but yeah, 178 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,040 Speaker 4: it's been a really cool journey. 179 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's interesting that you say that, Lindsay, because what 180 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:17,640 Speaker 2: my brain immediately kind of goes to is when because 181 00:09:17,679 --> 00:09:22,120 Speaker 2: literally I just last week was doing a women's retreat 182 00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:28,720 Speaker 2: for a group of women in Pennsylvania. And one of 183 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,120 Speaker 2: the things that I always talk about when we have 184 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,440 Speaker 2: more time, because like women's conferences, you don't have a 185 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,360 Speaker 2: ton of time, right, Like, it's usually a pretty busy 186 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:39,920 Speaker 2: day and you talk once or twice and that's it. 187 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,800 Speaker 2: But at a women's retreat where you're there for a 188 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 2: whole weekend, you can really dig in to these things. 189 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,439 Speaker 1: And one of the things. 190 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,680 Speaker 2: That I always like to raise with the women and 191 00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:56,040 Speaker 2: then watch how they respond is this idea of living 192 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,680 Speaker 2: according to God's best for us and living according to 193 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:02,240 Speaker 2: our design. And that can be hard, it can take work, 194 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,480 Speaker 2: but I love the way you put it. Choose your 195 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:10,520 Speaker 2: heart and the women. It's interesting to see this shift 196 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,960 Speaker 2: in this AHA moment, and you must see that a 197 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:18,080 Speaker 2: lot in what you do. And I'd love to take 198 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:22,680 Speaker 2: a second and talk about one specific area of AHA 199 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 2: moment that you really, I think focus mostly on in 200 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:32,400 Speaker 2: your new book, which is the marriage and relationship side 201 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:36,400 Speaker 2: of things. Yeah, because you talk about in the book 202 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:40,640 Speaker 2: you share how you and your husband I think his 203 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:45,360 Speaker 2: name is Jesse, Yes, yes, yeah, Okay, that you promised 204 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,480 Speaker 2: when you got married you would never let the word 205 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:52,960 Speaker 2: divorce come up, right, but at one point you really 206 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:56,320 Speaker 2: were ready to kind of call it quits. 207 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:56,960 Speaker 1: Right. 208 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,760 Speaker 2: I would love for the people who are listening to 209 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:04,440 Speaker 2: this who are drawn to this topic because of the 210 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:07,600 Speaker 2: title of your book and about they don't want their 211 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,440 Speaker 2: house to burn down, but it feels like it kind 212 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:13,160 Speaker 2: of is. Can you talk about that time, give us 213 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:17,200 Speaker 2: a little backstory and tell us get us started by 214 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:23,080 Speaker 2: talking about what made you instead decide not to call 215 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:26,200 Speaker 2: it quits, but to choose to work on and try 216 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:27,439 Speaker 2: to save the marriage. 217 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,800 Speaker 4: That's a great question, and I commend you Chanty for 218 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,160 Speaker 4: having that conversation at the women's retreat, because I do. 219 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:40,439 Speaker 4: I mean, I think that complacency is really a trick 220 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,839 Speaker 4: or tactic of the enemy a lot of the time, 221 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:46,200 Speaker 4: because when we're complacent, when we're not in ministry, when 222 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 4: we're not speaking truth, when we're not actively living well 223 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,280 Speaker 4: and with excellence, it's so easy to just come into 224 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:57,520 Speaker 4: this almost an idolatry of comfort, to where you don't 225 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:02,160 Speaker 4: you worship yourself more than you worship God and what 226 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 4: he's called you to, or honoring what he's called you to. 227 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:08,040 Speaker 4: And I think that's exactly what happened within my marriage. 228 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:11,480 Speaker 4: I often say that marriage is more about being holy 229 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:15,040 Speaker 4: than it is happy, but we get that really twisted. 230 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,520 Speaker 4: And yet in our holiness and in our pursuit of Jesus, 231 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:23,800 Speaker 4: he brings us joy. But we get so confused and 232 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 4: we get really muddled when we prioritize ourselves and our 233 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:32,600 Speaker 4: happiness over something else or our own comfort even And 234 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:35,400 Speaker 4: so for me and what I share in how I 235 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,960 Speaker 4: almost burnt my own house down, and I share this 236 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,960 Speaker 4: in depth obviously in the book. But I had just 237 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,559 Speaker 4: gotten to a place where I felt alone. 238 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,080 Speaker 5: We had two. 239 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:48,160 Speaker 4: Very young babies, and I joke, but I'm honest and 240 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,640 Speaker 4: tell people like, don't get divorced after if you have 241 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,840 Speaker 4: like a three year old or younger, because your mindset 242 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:56,199 Speaker 4: is twisted. 243 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,480 Speaker 1: Your brain is not working, your. 244 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,920 Speaker 5: Brain is he's not healthy. 245 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:06,000 Speaker 4: At the time, you're exhausted, you're completely adjusting to a 246 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:09,719 Speaker 4: new season of life. It's I mean, it's a whirlwind. 247 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,920 Speaker 4: And so but we did have we had almost a 248 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:16,360 Speaker 4: newborn and a toddler, and we were tired, and I 249 00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:20,720 Speaker 4: just hit a point where I felt like for over 250 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,560 Speaker 4: a year, I had been navigating life on my own. 251 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,120 Speaker 4: He was working, he was doing all the things, but 252 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:31,000 Speaker 4: he wasn't planning dates, he wasn't showing affection, he wasn't 253 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,800 Speaker 4: wanting to communicate. And I'm an anxious attacher, which means 254 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:38,800 Speaker 4: I need to vocalize, verbalize my concerns all the time. 255 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,120 Speaker 4: And he's more avoidant, which means he tries to avoid 256 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,800 Speaker 4: those conversations at all costs. And it turns into what 257 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:47,520 Speaker 4: I call a crazy cycle, and so we just saw 258 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:50,680 Speaker 4: all of these things happening, and I was feeling depleted emotionally, 259 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:54,240 Speaker 4: and I hit a point that I write about where 260 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:58,240 Speaker 4: I just was like, I can't live like this anymore. 261 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 4: And more than one to honor the commitment I made. 262 00:14:02,559 --> 00:14:06,560 Speaker 4: More than wanting to honor the ministry I had been building, 263 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:10,760 Speaker 4: more than wanting to honor Jesus, I wanted to feel better, 264 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,080 Speaker 4: like I just wanted to feel good. And we live 265 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,480 Speaker 4: in a world where it confuses us because as we 266 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,720 Speaker 4: grow up, we watch these Disney movies and it's like, oh, 267 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,680 Speaker 4: it's this fairy tale. Marriage is a fairy tale and 268 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:26,600 Speaker 4: nothing ever goes wrong, but we don't realize it is work, 269 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,880 Speaker 4: and we focus more on the wedding day than on 270 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,360 Speaker 4: what's to come in preparation for the marriage. And I 271 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:37,880 Speaker 4: had even prepared for marriage mentally with premarital counseling and 272 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,040 Speaker 4: speaking to a lot of people, because I was already 273 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:44,000 Speaker 4: in this world a little bit, and even that, it 274 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:45,680 Speaker 4: was still hard to get out of the mindset of 275 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:51,960 Speaker 4: I don't deserve this, and what I came to with that, 276 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,560 Speaker 4: I did pack my bags, I did leave. We've been 277 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,440 Speaker 4: so fortunate to have a really solid group of people, 278 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,360 Speaker 4: which I tell every couple you need a community. I 279 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,720 Speaker 4: would not be married anymore if it weren't for friends 280 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,680 Speaker 4: letting me like cry on their floor in the middle 281 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:09,000 Speaker 4: of the night or call them and have these conversations. 282 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,440 Speaker 4: We need a village of people who who are for 283 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:16,280 Speaker 4: Jesus and for our marriage. Obviously, be cautious with who 284 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:19,160 Speaker 4: you choose. They need to be for you. But we 285 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,680 Speaker 4: were able to spend that time apart with those people, 286 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,040 Speaker 4: and more than anything, I think what was reassuring was 287 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,760 Speaker 4: just hearing from others that they said, oh, we went 288 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,800 Speaker 4: through that, We were there, we did that. It sucked 289 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:34,240 Speaker 4: and it was hard, but we navigated it. And here's 290 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,520 Speaker 4: what Jesus taught us through it, and here's where we 291 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,720 Speaker 4: are now. And I think a lot of the time 292 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:42,000 Speaker 4: we miss that mark, that growth can be really painful, 293 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:46,560 Speaker 4: that discomfort isn't necessarily bad, but that it's a warning 294 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,720 Speaker 4: sign or a red flag to say, hey, some work 295 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:53,640 Speaker 4: needs to be done. And so we decided, if we 296 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,880 Speaker 4: marry someone else, we're going to have just more issues 297 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,240 Speaker 4: with another person, you know, or different issues. 298 00:15:58,080 --> 00:15:59,880 Speaker 1: Are hard, right, You're hard. 299 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,840 Speaker 4: Different issues with a different person plus baggage and kids 300 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,760 Speaker 4: from our relationship is going to be a lot and 301 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,720 Speaker 4: so and we love each other. We really do love 302 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:11,360 Speaker 4: each other so much, but that doesn't mean marriage is easy. 303 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,200 Speaker 4: And when we get out of this mindset of me, me, me, 304 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:19,440 Speaker 4: I worship myself and my happiness, we are able then 305 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:23,360 Speaker 4: to be more like Jesus. He came not to be served, 306 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:27,640 Speaker 4: but to serve. And I talk in make the chapter three, 307 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,760 Speaker 4: Make the Dane Coffee. I think it's chapter three or four. 308 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,840 Speaker 4: I'm sorry I should know that, but one. 309 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,440 Speaker 1: Of those, ye the same questions. 310 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:39,000 Speaker 4: Okay, it's one of those, but make the Dane Coffee. 311 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,600 Speaker 4: And I talk about I'm looking now so that I 312 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,920 Speaker 4: can see, but I talk about my grandma. It is 313 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:49,560 Speaker 4: chapter three, my grandma, and I had asked her before 314 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:53,200 Speaker 4: she passed, and I was always asking these questions, but 315 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:57,000 Speaker 4: I said, you've been married for over fifty years, and 316 00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:00,560 Speaker 4: you guys seem so genuinely happy like of course they bicker, 317 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,760 Speaker 4: but they were so happy and playful even still. And 318 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,920 Speaker 4: I asked her what her secret was, and she said, 319 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,840 Speaker 4: compete with one another. In this on my Instagram, living 320 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:14,600 Speaker 4: Easy with Lindsay went megaviral, and I think it's because 321 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:18,680 Speaker 4: we just need to hear something that gets us outside 322 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 4: of ourselves sometimes. And her advice what she meant with compete. 323 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,000 Speaker 5: With most girls? 324 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:23,880 Speaker 3: What did she mean? 325 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:28,919 Speaker 4: She meant outserve one another, and this is biblical, outdo 326 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,439 Speaker 4: one another and showing honor. But she would say, I 327 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,639 Speaker 4: would wake up and I would go out on a 328 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,720 Speaker 4: Saturday and i'd wash your grandpa's car, and he would 329 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,840 Speaker 4: see that, and he would come in and he'd bake 330 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,800 Speaker 4: meet we're Czechoslovakian. He would bake me Klachi's and that's 331 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,840 Speaker 4: like our breakfast, like a pastry kind of dessert. 332 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,760 Speaker 5: And I would see him doing that. He loved to bake. 333 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 4: But I would see him doing that, and I would 334 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,679 Speaker 4: go and iron his clothes, and then he would see that, 335 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:54,680 Speaker 4: and he would go in garden for me. And it 336 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:59,439 Speaker 4: was always never mean spirited. It was always kind, and 337 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,199 Speaker 4: it was always intentional to serve the other. And She's like, 338 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,080 Speaker 4: of course it didn't always look like this. Sometimes I 339 00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:05,600 Speaker 4: would go out and watch the car and he couldn't 340 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:09,560 Speaker 4: do anything else. But it was the act of constantly 341 00:18:10,119 --> 00:18:13,520 Speaker 4: serving one another. We competed with one another in loving 342 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,959 Speaker 4: the other, like how much, oh, go ahead. 343 00:18:16,119 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 1: You know what I was gonna say. 344 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:22,040 Speaker 2: What's so interesting about that is that fits so perfectly 345 00:18:22,119 --> 00:18:24,880 Speaker 2: with what we found in one of our research projects 346 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:28,960 Speaker 2: on what makes happy marriages? Tell me, because we did 347 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:33,679 Speaker 2: this big study of what are the things that that 348 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:38,280 Speaker 2: are common to most of the happy marriages, big nationally 349 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:41,640 Speaker 2: representative sample all the things, and one of the things 350 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:44,760 Speaker 2: we found we ended up calling it. Like you've always heard, 351 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:47,800 Speaker 2: not to keep score, but the happiest couples they do 352 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:49,680 Speaker 2: keep score. They just keep score for what the other 353 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,959 Speaker 2: person is giving. They like notice, like you said, yea, 354 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:57,000 Speaker 2: and I want to I wanna can we dive into 355 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,040 Speaker 2: a practical sure question? 356 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:03,199 Speaker 3: I mean, I'd love to ask this. So, as you know, 357 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,879 Speaker 3: you know, and as Chanty just described, we're social researchers, 358 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:09,000 Speaker 3: so we're always trying to dig out what are the 359 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:12,240 Speaker 3: little things that make the big difference in a person's relationship. 360 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,440 Speaker 3: So I was intrigued by two things you said about 361 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:19,280 Speaker 3: the book. You said, this book is as much about 362 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:23,320 Speaker 3: self discipline as it is about marriage. And you said 363 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:28,840 Speaker 3: that the small one percent habits change everything. Tell us 364 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,800 Speaker 3: what you mean by those things. 365 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,040 Speaker 2: I am so excited to hear what you say right now, 366 00:19:33,119 --> 00:19:35,640 Speaker 2: I'm like, I want to get a pen and write 367 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:36,280 Speaker 2: down what you said. 368 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:37,560 Speaker 1: You're going to have to re listen to this. 369 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,520 Speaker 4: Well, I really love this question first and foremost, so 370 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:44,320 Speaker 4: thank you for great questions so far. But I there's 371 00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:47,360 Speaker 4: one chapter called Your Mind and Body Glow Up, And 372 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,439 Speaker 4: what you'll see in that chapter and throughout the book 373 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:54,640 Speaker 4: is the reality that you cannot fix your partner. 374 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,200 Speaker 5: As think about. 375 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,879 Speaker 4: How difficult it is to change your own patterns, and 376 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,680 Speaker 4: then now you're not only trying to do that because 377 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,439 Speaker 4: it's already so difficult, and you're trying to do it 378 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:06,280 Speaker 4: with somebody else who was raised differently than you, had 379 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:11,960 Speaker 4: different experiences, different patterns. So the core of my ministry 380 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:15,480 Speaker 4: as a whole is you can only focus on yourself 381 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,880 Speaker 4: love that a lot of the time when we have 382 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,400 Speaker 4: that self discipline, when we first Peter three says, as 383 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,399 Speaker 4: wives live in such a way that without even speaking 384 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:27,640 Speaker 4: a word, you set an example to your husband that 385 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,399 Speaker 4: both men and women are called to love one another 386 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,840 Speaker 4: well and to honor the Lord. And when we're both 387 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:39,840 Speaker 4: doing that faithfully, and we're both pursuing him faithfully, the 388 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:43,600 Speaker 4: fruit flows down into both of us and into the relationship, 389 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:46,040 Speaker 4: and so in your mind and bodyglow up? I talk 390 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,760 Speaker 4: about I asked the question at the beginning, if you 391 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:53,480 Speaker 4: were newly single tomorrow, say newly divorced, would you change 392 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,160 Speaker 4: the way you're living? Would you start working out more? 393 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,680 Speaker 4: Would you start connecting with friends and family? Would you 394 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,960 Speaker 4: be more adventurous? Would you take better care of your 395 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,000 Speaker 4: mental health or at least try? Would you glow up? 396 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:06,480 Speaker 3: Right? 397 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,399 Speaker 4: We always see the divorce glow up on social media, 398 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:13,080 Speaker 4: and my question is why are we doing that after 399 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:14,879 Speaker 4: our marriage has ended? 400 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,000 Speaker 5: Why are we not trying to become the. 401 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:21,000 Speaker 4: Best version of ourselves within our relationship. Our spouse has 402 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:24,720 Speaker 4: committed their entire life to us, do they not then 403 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,720 Speaker 4: deserve the most exceptional version of us? And this is 404 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:30,159 Speaker 4: something I talk about all the time with myself. With 405 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,960 Speaker 4: my husband is Lord Willing. I'm the only wife he has. 406 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:38,320 Speaker 4: I want to be exceptional at that role. I want 407 00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:39,919 Speaker 4: to do it well. I want to give him the 408 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:44,720 Speaker 4: best wife he could ever have, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, as 409 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,359 Speaker 4: a mother, all of the things, as a partner in 410 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:47,760 Speaker 4: the home. 411 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,040 Speaker 5: I want to keep growing. 412 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,920 Speaker 4: And I think that that is why I challenge so 413 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,000 Speaker 4: many people throughout the book, not only in that chapter, 414 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,760 Speaker 4: but to say, hey, where are the areas in which 415 00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,880 Speaker 4: you are doing the work for yourself instead of pointing 416 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,120 Speaker 4: the finger. I speak with a lot of divorce couples, 417 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,719 Speaker 4: and there's one thing that has really stuck out to 418 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:12,200 Speaker 4: me is when they finally get that divorce, they always 419 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:15,639 Speaker 4: say the reality is is that when you are alone 420 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:19,199 Speaker 4: in your new place or wherever, and you look in 421 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,399 Speaker 4: the mirror at your relationship, or you look back at 422 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:26,239 Speaker 4: your relationship, the only thing at that point that you 423 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:29,359 Speaker 4: can see are the things you could have done better 424 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,480 Speaker 4: because you no longer a lot of And of course 425 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:34,760 Speaker 4: this is not speaking about abuse. I'm not talking about 426 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:39,040 Speaker 4: abuse emotional, physical abuse, or betrayal. I'm talking about these irritations, 427 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:44,359 Speaker 4: frustrations between two sinners trying to come together to create 428 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,840 Speaker 4: something good. But when they are alone, they say, oh 429 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,760 Speaker 4: my gosh, I could have done this, I was so lazy, 430 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,320 Speaker 4: or I didn't take good care of myself or I 431 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,240 Speaker 4: because they don't have access to that person, their old 432 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:59,200 Speaker 4: spouse anymore, to point the fingers at, but what they 433 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,880 Speaker 4: can see are the areas in which they could have changed. 434 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,440 Speaker 4: So my heart with don't burn your own house down 435 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:09,000 Speaker 4: is Hey, let's do that work before the marriage falls apart, 436 00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:10,960 Speaker 4: before you burn the house down. If you light a 437 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:14,439 Speaker 4: little flame of resentment and bitterness, are you doing the 438 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:18,600 Speaker 4: work to put it out by seeking the Lord and 439 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:22,720 Speaker 4: his heart for forgiveness. If you're feeling really uncomfortable and 440 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,760 Speaker 4: insecure in your skin and you're not allowing intimacy to 441 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,359 Speaker 4: be a part of your marriage, what are you doing 442 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:31,879 Speaker 4: to change that thing? So I think that's it's a 443 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,239 Speaker 4: really important mindset. My husband always says, when you have 444 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,399 Speaker 4: one when you're pointing one finger, you have three pointing 445 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 4: back at you. And I always think of it that 446 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:43,119 Speaker 4: way when I'm when I am looking at a person, 447 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:43,680 Speaker 4: and this. 448 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,760 Speaker 5: Is biblical as well, you know, look at the log 449 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:46,600 Speaker 5: in your own eye. 450 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:52,879 Speaker 4: And when I do, when I find myself frustrated and 451 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:56,520 Speaker 4: irritated at Jesse, a lot of the time, I have 452 00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,439 Speaker 4: to step back and say, hey, am I going on 453 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:03,000 Speaker 4: my walks? Am I doing pilates? Or am I spending 454 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:07,880 Speaker 4: time with friends? Or am I expecting this entire what? 455 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:13,840 Speaker 4: I what we once relied upon a village for for stability, friendship, 456 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:19,439 Speaker 4: financial stability, emotional connection, intimacy. Am I expecting all of 457 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:23,960 Speaker 4: this from him or am I also expecting, like leaning 458 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,600 Speaker 4: onto Jesus for that thing? 459 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,760 Speaker 5: And so with that said, focus on self. The one 460 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,120 Speaker 5: percent shift. 461 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,959 Speaker 4: This is from the book Atomic Habits, which is one 462 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:34,560 Speaker 4: of my favorite books ever. 463 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:35,960 Speaker 5: It is so phenomenal. 464 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,679 Speaker 2: But let's just let me interrupt you to say, but 465 00:24:39,119 --> 00:24:42,720 Speaker 2: anything about Atomic Habits and tiny you read Tiny Habits 466 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:43,080 Speaker 2: like we. 467 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,879 Speaker 3: Yes, we're fans in this household. 468 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:48,119 Speaker 5: Yes, I love that. 469 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:52,919 Speaker 1: Yes, and the one idea. Okay, so back to the one. 470 00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:54,679 Speaker 5: And the one percent. 471 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:55,200 Speaker 3: It does. 472 00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:57,360 Speaker 4: It ties into everything in our lives. And I tell 473 00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,399 Speaker 4: people this because a lot of us feel stuck. We 474 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:01,679 Speaker 4: feel trapped in whether it's in a marriage, or in 475 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:05,480 Speaker 4: parenthood or in a career. And the reality is that 476 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,000 Speaker 4: we're as trapped as we allow ourselves to be. Because 477 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,560 Speaker 4: so much of it is personal growth. Well, yes, there 478 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,359 Speaker 4: are certain situations in which we can't fully get out of. 479 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:18,439 Speaker 4: We can shift perspective. And so the one percent shift 480 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,760 Speaker 4: is when you're black and white. If say you are 481 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:24,480 Speaker 4: a black and white thinker and you think, okay, I 482 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:27,520 Speaker 4: need to lose thirty pounds and so I have to 483 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,280 Speaker 4: work out every day, but then by day three you 484 00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:33,000 Speaker 4: haven't lost any weight, so you just give up. And 485 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,720 Speaker 4: that is so common within a marriage. We start to 486 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:39,080 Speaker 4: see the issues, the frustrations, and we're like, oh, ok 487 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:42,040 Speaker 4: I'm going to serve him and then he doesn't respond 488 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,840 Speaker 4: in the way that I want him to. Or I'm 489 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:46,920 Speaker 4: going to pursue him with intimacy and he doesn't want 490 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,880 Speaker 4: to that night, so I'm never doing it again. Or 491 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:52,240 Speaker 4: he doesn't unload the dishwasher like I asked him to, 492 00:25:52,359 --> 00:25:55,000 Speaker 4: so our marriage is over. A lot of these little 493 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:59,840 Speaker 4: things create big resentments that can lead to contempt. But 494 00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:02,760 Speaker 4: if you think of it as the one percent, where 495 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:06,120 Speaker 4: you say, okay, a one percent shift every day, even 496 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:10,840 Speaker 4: the smallest, smallest amount of growth leads to an upward trajectory. 497 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,080 Speaker 4: That is a benefit, That is a plus. So you're 498 00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:17,520 Speaker 4: not going to see the grand scale all at once, 499 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,679 Speaker 4: but if you start to see one percent shifts, it 500 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,200 Speaker 4: can make a big difference. One thing I tell couples 501 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:25,760 Speaker 4: is if you were to greet your spouse at the 502 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:28,800 Speaker 4: door every single day for two weeks, you do not 503 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,440 Speaker 4: hand them a kid, You do not hand them a 504 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:34,120 Speaker 4: laundry basket. You look them in the eyes, you ask them, 505 00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:36,640 Speaker 4: how are you you give them a six second kiss. 506 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:41,640 Speaker 4: The goatman says, it releases oxytocin, or researchers it releases oxytocin, 507 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:44,640 Speaker 4: which is a bonding hormone. And you look one another 508 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,600 Speaker 4: the ice you show the other person, you prioritize them. 509 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,919 Speaker 4: I guarantee your marriage would feel at least one percent 510 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,480 Speaker 4: different at the end of that two week period. Even 511 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:55,479 Speaker 4: at the end of the first day, I'd love one 512 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:56,600 Speaker 4: another at the door. 513 00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:01,200 Speaker 3: So question, I mean, I'm wanting to get a little bit. 514 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:04,120 Speaker 3: You know, you've been really practical here on that. That's 515 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:08,120 Speaker 3: really great. So let's just say hypothetically, Shanty and I 516 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:14,280 Speaker 3: have a real disagreement and the emotional tension is real, 517 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:20,679 Speaker 3: and the potential for resentment is on my side or 518 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:26,000 Speaker 3: on her side? Is there? Yeah, what's one thing that 519 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,120 Speaker 3: you would you know, for a couple that might be 520 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:31,960 Speaker 3: like us or like that situation. What could I do 521 00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:35,800 Speaker 3: in the moment that is kind of a one percent. 522 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:39,760 Speaker 2: Saying well, and here is the image that you shared earlier, 523 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:42,720 Speaker 2: which I think is a good one. 524 00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:44,920 Speaker 1: You've lit a match. 525 00:27:45,359 --> 00:27:47,840 Speaker 2: You got a little flame of resentment that you can 526 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,480 Speaker 2: feel it in yourself. Are you going to put it out? 527 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:51,159 Speaker 1: Or are you going to. 528 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,280 Speaker 2: Risk it growing and starting to burn your house down. 529 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:59,400 Speaker 2: So using that analogy, what would you say is an 530 00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:01,800 Speaker 2: example of one percent thing? 531 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:08,800 Speaker 4: Yeah, So if you're navigating resentment, bitterness, frustration, I think obviously, 532 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:11,560 Speaker 4: if you're trying to smother the flame, one of the 533 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:15,040 Speaker 4: first things that you can do is communication with one another. 534 00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:19,040 Speaker 4: Stonewalling is going to create more resentment. Silent treatment will 535 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:23,159 Speaker 4: create more resentment. But you communicate within a time that 536 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:27,640 Speaker 4: is it's not bedtime, you're not still frustrated. You give space, 537 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:30,320 Speaker 4: and you watch your tone that you come to one 538 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:34,000 Speaker 4: another and say, I feel as if this is happening, 539 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:37,199 Speaker 4: it is possible the other person will still be resentful. 540 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:38,120 Speaker 5: I am a. 541 00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:42,800 Speaker 4: Huge advocate of talking with other people through your biggest issues. 542 00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,320 Speaker 4: I know this is like really bizarre to some people, 543 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,880 Speaker 4: but the majority of the biggest fights that Jesse and 544 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:51,840 Speaker 4: I have had, we go to a respected mentor or 545 00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:55,680 Speaker 4: counselor that we will navigate through. Because if we realize 546 00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:57,920 Speaker 4: we're cycling through and we're on the third round of 547 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:02,120 Speaker 4: this resentment, something is not shifting. We're not hearing one another. 548 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:06,360 Speaker 4: Another thing that I really created for. 549 00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:11,800 Speaker 2: Second, So your example is to go to a friend 550 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:15,400 Speaker 2: who's basically like, hey, this is this situation. 551 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:20,840 Speaker 1: I'm thinking this, he's thinking this. Am I missing something? 552 00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:21,520 Speaker 1: Who's right? 553 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:22,840 Speaker 3: Well? 554 00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:26,040 Speaker 2: Eistically asking a mentor for to be what is that 555 00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:28,720 Speaker 2: insurance commercial where it's like, okay, we're going to do 556 00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,120 Speaker 2: an instant replay. 557 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:35,880 Speaker 4: Well, I think a lot of it is outside perspective 558 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:38,640 Speaker 4: for somebody to be like, well, what I a lot 559 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:42,240 Speaker 4: of the time is that you're mishearing one another. You're 560 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:45,840 Speaker 4: not hearing you're you're communicating. And when we communicate is 561 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:48,240 Speaker 4: I want this from you? I want this from you. 562 00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:51,600 Speaker 4: But what the person in the middle sometimes can hear 563 00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:55,080 Speaker 4: is the heart, like and it gives you the ability. 564 00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:57,160 Speaker 4: And this is something I say a lot in communication 565 00:29:57,320 --> 00:30:00,280 Speaker 4: is what I hear from you is this before or 566 00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:02,840 Speaker 4: you respond or react? What I hear from you is 567 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:07,200 Speaker 4: your feeling this because most people take the other person's 568 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:10,480 Speaker 4: frustration as an attack, like this is an attack on 569 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:13,280 Speaker 4: my character, and therefore I am wrong and I am 570 00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:15,520 Speaker 4: a failure, so I might as well give up. But 571 00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:19,600 Speaker 4: usually the other person is trying to communicate an unspoken 572 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:23,680 Speaker 4: hurt or need or longing within the relationship. If it's 573 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:27,600 Speaker 4: the dishwasher, it's not usually the dishwasher. It's wanting somebody 574 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:30,640 Speaker 4: who's willing to consider you and take a small burden 575 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:34,120 Speaker 4: off of your shoulder, so shoulders. So I think that 576 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:36,800 Speaker 4: that's a portion of it. But I will also say, 577 00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:39,960 Speaker 4: as resentment continues to build, a lot of that is 578 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:44,280 Speaker 4: a lack of forgiveness and a lack of vulnerability. So 579 00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:48,080 Speaker 4: the lack of forgiveness stems from thinking, you don't you 580 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:51,360 Speaker 4: haven't earned my forgiveness. You have failed me in this way, 581 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,840 Speaker 4: and therefore I get to hold this over you. 582 00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:56,080 Speaker 5: But as we say, a lack. 583 00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:58,880 Speaker 4: Of forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other 584 00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:03,400 Speaker 4: person to die. It's suffocating you, it's harming you, And 585 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:06,960 Speaker 4: so what are the areas in which you can evaluate, Hey, 586 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:10,480 Speaker 4: I am bitter towards this person, and I've not let 587 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:12,880 Speaker 4: this go even if they haven't asked for forgiveness. We're 588 00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:15,040 Speaker 4: not called to only forgive if they've asked for it, 589 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:18,760 Speaker 4: because we see all that Jesus has forgiven us of. 590 00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:22,320 Speaker 4: So when we've been forgiven of much, how can I 591 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:24,959 Speaker 4: withhold forgiveness from the other person? 592 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:26,800 Speaker 5: Who am I to do that? 593 00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:29,760 Speaker 4: I am so small and God has forgiven me of 594 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:33,600 Speaker 4: immense amount, so I can't withhold that from that other person. 595 00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:41,440 Speaker 3: So in yours and Jesse's case, the one percent habit is, Look, 596 00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:45,520 Speaker 3: we talk with another party for someone else, that may 597 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:49,920 Speaker 3: be a different, different thing, but you consistently do it 598 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:54,640 Speaker 3: and apply it, and that keeps that resentment or it 599 00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:00,000 Speaker 3: kind of lessens it, and eventually you know, you can 600 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:02,880 Speaker 3: catch that even you know as it's building. 601 00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:08,480 Speaker 2: So I want to dive a little further into this 602 00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:11,680 Speaker 2: sort of concept, if you don't mind, because one of 603 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:15,320 Speaker 2: the things that I think we need to acknowledge, and 604 00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:18,320 Speaker 2: this is kind of a sensitive point, is a pretty 605 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:24,920 Speaker 2: sensitive point. But you're describing situation where both you and 606 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:27,680 Speaker 2: Jesse are willing to go to a mentor and say 607 00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:31,320 Speaker 2: help us out here, like and there's goodwill there, there's 608 00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:34,280 Speaker 2: you know, you trust, trust and you know all that. 609 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:40,440 Speaker 2: But but I'm sure many people who have been in 610 00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:43,479 Speaker 2: your situation like you and Jesse were, maybe they're in 611 00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:46,640 Speaker 2: that situation now. They feel like their house is on 612 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:54,360 Speaker 2: fire already. They may feel like they're the only ones 613 00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:57,760 Speaker 2: working on it and the other person has checked out 614 00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:03,080 Speaker 2: or whatever, and you say something really really important and 615 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:06,000 Speaker 2: we only have a few minutes here but I'd like 616 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:09,360 Speaker 2: to at least touch on this in our last few 617 00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:12,800 Speaker 2: minutes because I think it's a you share a really 618 00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:14,720 Speaker 2: sensitive but really important perspective. 619 00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:16,880 Speaker 1: You say, if your marriage. 620 00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:20,520 Speaker 2: Feels like a house on fire, you have to be 621 00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:24,680 Speaker 2: willing to do the hard work to extinguish the flames 622 00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:29,400 Speaker 2: and help your spouse, even if it means coming out 623 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:33,400 Speaker 2: with burns of your own. So that's a really important 624 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:36,840 Speaker 2: and very sensitive, but very important comment. And then you say, 625 00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:40,800 Speaker 2: even if they are the one who caused most of 626 00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:44,479 Speaker 2: the damage, you do what it takes to save what 627 00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:49,800 Speaker 2: you've built together. And wow, that is such an important 628 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:54,640 Speaker 2: statement in our last few minutes here, can you unpack 629 00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:57,520 Speaker 2: that statement for us and share what you mean, because 630 00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:59,520 Speaker 2: I'm sure there's some people who are getting their backup 631 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:00,520 Speaker 2: and are you know. 632 00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:03,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, a little concerned about that right now? You share 633 00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:04,320 Speaker 1: what you mean? 634 00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:07,760 Speaker 4: Yeah, Well, I want to start by saying, this isn't 635 00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:12,120 Speaker 4: to diminish the pain of feeling alone or harmed in 636 00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:15,960 Speaker 4: a marriage, with emotionally harmed within a relationship. It is 637 00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,719 Speaker 4: so lonely and painful, and I've walked it. It's been 638 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:22,520 Speaker 4: so there have been seasons that are so tough to 639 00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:23,400 Speaker 4: fight through. 640 00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:26,400 Speaker 1: But it's the reason that you found yourself curled. 641 00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:28,839 Speaker 5: In absolutely. 642 00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:30,960 Speaker 1: And actually left your marriage. 643 00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:34,960 Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, because the pain is so extreme sometimes that 644 00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:38,520 Speaker 4: you feel like why am I even here? And and 645 00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:41,520 Speaker 4: it is hard for us to understand. But when we 646 00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:46,560 Speaker 4: begin to unpack the design of marriage itself, that our 647 00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:50,200 Speaker 4: marriage is for eternity, that our marriage is a ministry, 648 00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:53,160 Speaker 4: that it is a covenant. Again, it is not necessarily 649 00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:55,960 Speaker 4: for our joy. Joy is a byproduct of it. A 650 00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:58,520 Speaker 4: lot of the time, this does not mean to suffer. 651 00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:01,160 Speaker 4: The point of the book is this, I don't want 652 00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:05,640 Speaker 4: you suffering. But the reality is I heard once somebody say, 653 00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:08,840 Speaker 4: why didn't you ever get divorced? You've been married seventy years, 654 00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:11,359 Speaker 4: and they said, neither of us wanted a divorce at 655 00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:12,000 Speaker 4: the same time. 656 00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:13,160 Speaker 5: And I think that. 657 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:17,280 Speaker 4: That can, honestly, it can honestly be such an honest 658 00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:20,400 Speaker 4: picture of And again, we're not wanting you to suffer. 659 00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:21,320 Speaker 5: We're wanting you to thrive. 660 00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:24,840 Speaker 4: But sometimes it's like my husband will be so burnt 661 00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:28,200 Speaker 4: out and he'll be he's like, oh, thinking, potentially life 662 00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:31,239 Speaker 4: would just be so much easier alone, right, which, again, 663 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:33,040 Speaker 4: are a lot of the time are lies. 664 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:36,600 Speaker 5: It's an escape, and when you see. 665 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:40,920 Speaker 1: It earlier, choose your heart right for another. 666 00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:43,080 Speaker 4: Exactly when you see a divorce family, they would tell 667 00:35:43,080 --> 00:35:45,720 Speaker 4: you this was not the easy option. This was absolutely 668 00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:49,440 Speaker 4: an excruciatingly painful option a lot of the time. And 669 00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:52,960 Speaker 4: so I will I would say, when you're the one 670 00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:56,560 Speaker 4: who doesn't want the divorce and you want this to work, 671 00:35:56,600 --> 00:35:59,040 Speaker 4: and you want to honor the Lord with your covenant, 672 00:35:59,040 --> 00:36:01,560 Speaker 4: because that's what you admitted to for life. 673 00:36:01,560 --> 00:36:02,839 Speaker 5: Because it's a ministry. 674 00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:06,120 Speaker 4: It shows other people the goodness of God and his 675 00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:10,000 Speaker 4: presence in our world through your relationship and your children. 676 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:11,719 Speaker 5: They get to see that. 677 00:36:11,719 --> 00:36:14,360 Speaker 4: That's when you do the hard, holy heart work to 678 00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:16,760 Speaker 4: say I'm going to fight for this when my partner 679 00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:19,680 Speaker 4: is not giving anything. But I also guarantee there are 680 00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:23,080 Speaker 4: seasons in which your partner is giving a lot when 681 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:26,919 Speaker 4: you have five percent to give, and so when you're 682 00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:29,400 Speaker 4: doing work, and I can even use our own relationship 683 00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:32,200 Speaker 4: as an example that there have been times I've been 684 00:36:32,239 --> 00:36:36,040 Speaker 4: doing the heavy lifting spiritually. He was deconstructing his faith 685 00:36:36,120 --> 00:36:40,000 Speaker 4: during a season which thankfully he's really he's committed to 686 00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:42,400 Speaker 4: the Lord, but he's a pastor's kid and walked through 687 00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:45,280 Speaker 4: some confusion, and I was the one leading my family. 688 00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:47,120 Speaker 4: I was praying for our family, I was taking them 689 00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:49,800 Speaker 4: to church. It was very easy for me to want 690 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:53,239 Speaker 4: to become resentful, but in that season, I had to 691 00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:57,200 Speaker 4: tell myself, this is where God has me, this is 692 00:36:57,239 --> 00:37:00,480 Speaker 4: where Jesus has me. And if I am am going 693 00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:03,359 Speaker 4: to do anything, and I am going to you know, 694 00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:06,400 Speaker 4: if this marriage is going to end, I am not 695 00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:09,480 Speaker 4: going to allow it to end with me again thinking 696 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:11,479 Speaker 4: of all the things I could have done. I'm going 697 00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:14,000 Speaker 4: to live as a godly wife. I'm not walking into 698 00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:17,160 Speaker 4: heaven holding my husband's hand. If he's not leading the family, 699 00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:19,279 Speaker 4: that doesn't mean I get to just throw my hands up. 700 00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:21,319 Speaker 4: If he's not loving well, it doesn't mean I get 701 00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:24,120 Speaker 4: to throw my hands up. I am responsible for my faith. 702 00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:26,880 Speaker 4: I am responsible for my behavior. I am responsible for 703 00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:29,319 Speaker 4: the way that I live. And therefore, when we take 704 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:33,080 Speaker 4: responsibility for ourselves, that usually flows out into the home. 705 00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:36,799 Speaker 4: And so what that means sometimes is it hurts that 706 00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:40,920 Speaker 4: you you're burnt because you're doing the heavy lifting for your partner. 707 00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:44,920 Speaker 4: But that is the love of Christ. It is it's 708 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:47,560 Speaker 4: to love unconditionally. And if we do not have love, 709 00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,840 Speaker 4: we have nothing, and so how can we give grace 710 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:53,520 Speaker 4: that we expect a lot of the time. How can 711 00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:57,279 Speaker 4: we give compassion that we expect for ourselves? In what 712 00:37:57,320 --> 00:38:02,200 Speaker 4: ways are we withholding because they don't deserve it? And 713 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,400 Speaker 4: how can we look at Jesus and say, Lord, you 714 00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:09,840 Speaker 4: never withhold from me and I never ever deserve it. 715 00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:13,000 Speaker 4: So this sayn't again going back to abuse. I'm not 716 00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:17,440 Speaker 4: saying accept abuse, absolutely not. They are biblical outs for abuse, 717 00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:23,080 Speaker 4: for betrayal. But if you have frustrations and sins causing pain, 718 00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:26,720 Speaker 4: please do not think that divorce is going to be. 719 00:38:28,239 --> 00:38:29,880 Speaker 5: Give you the ability. 720 00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:31,520 Speaker 4: To say like, oh, I'm so happy and free. You're 721 00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:33,360 Speaker 4: going to see that person if you have children together 722 00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:36,120 Speaker 4: for the rest of your life. So it's not an out, 723 00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:39,560 Speaker 4: but you are doing the work. And by putting out 724 00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:42,440 Speaker 4: the little flames and not allowing them to keep growing, 725 00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:46,160 Speaker 4: keep growing, you will see that life is so much 726 00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:49,000 Speaker 4: sweeter when you do the work because it's sanctifying. 727 00:38:49,080 --> 00:38:52,160 Speaker 5: It's making you more like Christ every day when you 728 00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:53,120 Speaker 5: do something hard. 729 00:38:53,719 --> 00:38:57,680 Speaker 2: You know the image that I get when you said 730 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:01,280 Speaker 2: that phrase about that, you know this. 731 00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:05,200 Speaker 1: Is part of our calling is to do the hard work. 732 00:39:04,960 --> 00:39:07,560 Speaker 2: To extinguish the flames, even if it means coming out 733 00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:12,520 Speaker 2: with burns of your own, in order to save as 734 00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:16,880 Speaker 2: much as it depends on you what you've built together. Yeah, 735 00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:20,120 Speaker 2: and what you said about this is like Jesus, I 736 00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:26,680 Speaker 2: have this image of you're reaching into, you know, the 737 00:39:26,719 --> 00:39:29,080 Speaker 2: flames that are consuming the. 738 00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:33,239 Speaker 1: House to do some work. But that's what that is 739 00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:34,600 Speaker 1: what Jesus does. 740 00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:39,239 Speaker 2: That he came into the flames of our world, so 741 00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:44,120 Speaker 2: to speak, in order to even though it meant suffering, 742 00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:47,719 Speaker 2: because of his love for us. And you're right, if 743 00:39:48,239 --> 00:39:53,120 Speaker 2: we can say, as much as God gives me the 744 00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:57,240 Speaker 2: power and the ability and the kindness and the grace 745 00:39:57,440 --> 00:40:00,840 Speaker 2: and the forgiveness, I'm going to do what I can do, 746 00:40:01,560 --> 00:40:05,359 Speaker 2: even even to that point of self sacrifice. 747 00:40:05,640 --> 00:40:07,480 Speaker 3: We could unpack that one. 748 00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:10,719 Speaker 1: That that I was just gonna say, that's a whole. 749 00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:14,040 Speaker 3: But unfortunately we're kind of at the end of the tape. 750 00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:18,440 Speaker 1: So wait, that's an old reference reference. 751 00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:22,839 Speaker 3: I'm an old guy. But lindsay, you know, one thing 752 00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:26,279 Speaker 3: that I've learned in when we've done speaking events and 753 00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:32,120 Speaker 3: stuff that we've shared is that people can't contain or 754 00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:36,920 Speaker 3: retain all of the information that's been shared and you know, 755 00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:40,040 Speaker 3: you've shared lots and lots of great stuff, you know 756 00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:44,400 Speaker 3: here in this this this session. If you could say, 757 00:40:44,640 --> 00:40:48,240 Speaker 3: if I could pick one thing that I want someone 758 00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:51,359 Speaker 3: to remember, or maybe it's something that I didn't even 759 00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:55,160 Speaker 3: get a chance to say, if there was one thing 760 00:40:55,320 --> 00:41:01,560 Speaker 3: that would provide kind of hope, guidance to someone who's 761 00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:05,880 Speaker 3: in this spot of feeling like their house is burning, 762 00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:08,800 Speaker 3: what would you want them to take away? 763 00:41:09,719 --> 00:41:13,040 Speaker 4: Yeah, I would say that it's not possible without Jesus. 764 00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:15,640 Speaker 4: I think that we try to do so much of 765 00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:17,520 Speaker 4: it on our own. And I don't say that in 766 00:41:17,719 --> 00:41:20,920 Speaker 4: like a cliche way, but we use so much of 767 00:41:20,920 --> 00:41:22,920 Speaker 4: our own strength, our own power, and it. 768 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,160 Speaker 5: Is so quickly depleted. Because we are. 769 00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:28,600 Speaker 4: Self serving human beings. We want to feel better right away. 770 00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:31,600 Speaker 4: Where we live in a time of instant gratification, So 771 00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:35,400 Speaker 4: when it doesn't feel better immediately, we believe something's wrong. 772 00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:38,919 Speaker 4: But when we look at Jesus and we look at Eternity, 773 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:41,880 Speaker 4: it shifts our perspective. We don't have time for petty 774 00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:45,319 Speaker 4: arguments that hand right, like the. 775 00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:50,799 Speaker 3: Still find that I can multitask, but. 776 00:41:50,719 --> 00:41:55,799 Speaker 4: It's distracting, it's distracting from that purpose, right And so 777 00:41:55,960 --> 00:42:00,279 Speaker 4: I think it really is. It's about humility to say, Lord, 778 00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:03,000 Speaker 4: I don't have it all together, and I'm not perfect 779 00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:05,319 Speaker 4: in this marriage. Though I want my suppose to do 780 00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:08,400 Speaker 4: everything exactly like me. If they did, it probably wouldn't 781 00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:11,719 Speaker 4: be great. We balance each other in certain ways, and 782 00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:16,040 Speaker 4: so it's humility in knowing that you don't have it 783 00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:19,279 Speaker 4: all together and that you can do more and own it. 784 00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:21,719 Speaker 5: And be playful. 785 00:42:22,280 --> 00:42:25,920 Speaker 4: We loved dating because we played and we laughed and 786 00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:28,960 Speaker 4: we did fun things together and we were adventuring or 787 00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:31,959 Speaker 4: spontaneous or so excited to see each other. We called 788 00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:34,600 Speaker 4: one another on the phone, we made out like teenagers, 789 00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:38,440 Speaker 4: like we did things that it's like a benefit of 790 00:42:38,480 --> 00:42:42,440 Speaker 4: a relationship, right, it's beautiful. But as logistics and time 791 00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:45,440 Speaker 4: we passed like ships in the night, and then our 792 00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:48,120 Speaker 4: house starts to burn up in flames, and we're like, wait, 793 00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:51,839 Speaker 4: what happened. You're not praying together, you're not seeking the Lord, 794 00:42:52,160 --> 00:42:55,479 Speaker 4: and you're not laughing and having fun together anymore. You're 795 00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:59,040 Speaker 4: just so focused on what's wrong. And so I would say, 796 00:42:59,040 --> 00:43:01,720 Speaker 4: if I could give anything, p keep your eyes on Jesus, 797 00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:04,720 Speaker 4: get in the word, get in community, have other people 798 00:43:04,719 --> 00:43:06,920 Speaker 4: around you, who are for you find it. You have 799 00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:09,960 Speaker 4: to do the work to find it. Secondly, pray over 800 00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:12,560 Speaker 4: one another every night, read one chapter of the Bible 801 00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:16,160 Speaker 4: and or even a few verses, and then you each pray. 802 00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:18,600 Speaker 4: It's very vulnerable, but it is sweet and tender, and 803 00:43:18,640 --> 00:43:20,359 Speaker 4: they hear your heart in a different way than they 804 00:43:20,360 --> 00:43:23,640 Speaker 4: ever have. Thirdly, go out and do fun things, make 805 00:43:23,680 --> 00:43:25,960 Speaker 4: out with each other on the couch, do think like 806 00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:29,920 Speaker 4: it's get uncomfortable for a little while in order to 807 00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:34,399 Speaker 4: get comfortable, experience life together again, become best friends again. 808 00:43:34,440 --> 00:43:36,239 Speaker 4: I have a whole chapter about that that I love, 809 00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:41,560 Speaker 4: because that sometimes is all that's missing. You've become too serious, 810 00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:44,640 Speaker 4: you've become too intense, you've become too focused on the 811 00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:48,800 Speaker 4: other person. So focus on what you can control yourself, 812 00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:51,719 Speaker 4: and go and find ways to have fun. I think 813 00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:53,160 Speaker 4: that would be like my takeaway. 814 00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:57,000 Speaker 3: So our listeners are clearly going to go, how do 815 00:43:57,040 --> 00:44:01,600 Speaker 3: I get more of Lindsey? So? How can people find 816 00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:02,520 Speaker 3: you in your ministry? 817 00:44:02,920 --> 00:44:04,759 Speaker 4: Sure so you can find don't burn your own house 818 00:44:04,760 --> 00:44:08,239 Speaker 4: down anywhere books are sold. I do also narrate the 819 00:44:08,280 --> 00:44:10,879 Speaker 4: audio book, and that has been a really cool thing 820 00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:13,520 Speaker 4: because I was able to add my own emotion, my 821 00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:17,040 Speaker 4: own story, some extras within the book. You can find 822 00:44:17,080 --> 00:44:19,920 Speaker 4: me on Instagram Living Easy with Lindsay, where I talk 823 00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:24,239 Speaker 4: a lot about faith based marriage and motherhood, parenting, and 824 00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:28,880 Speaker 4: then my podcasts Living Easy with Lindsay, where I discuss 825 00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:33,640 Speaker 4: all things faith, parenting, relationships, friendships, all of it marriage. 826 00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:37,840 Speaker 5: But yeah, anywhere. Really you can find me anywhere. Chear's 827 00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:38,239 Speaker 5: my name. 828 00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:44,040 Speaker 2: Well, I just want to say thanks Lindsay, Thanks to 829 00:44:44,120 --> 00:44:47,680 Speaker 2: Lindsay Mayestas for coming on the show today. Check down 830 00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:50,359 Speaker 2: check out her book Don't Burn Your Own House Down 831 00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:52,680 Speaker 2: and you can see all these details. Are going to 832 00:44:52,719 --> 00:44:55,080 Speaker 2: put all the details in the show notes and we 833 00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:58,960 Speaker 2: will encourage you. If you feel like there is someone 834 00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:01,920 Speaker 2: in your life who needs to hear what Lindsay was saying, 835 00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:06,200 Speaker 2: please share today's episode with them and tag us and 836 00:45:06,239 --> 00:45:09,920 Speaker 2: tag Lindsay on all your social media channels. Thanks so much, 837 00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:13,960 Speaker 2: Lindsay for joining us, Thanks for listening to I wish 838 00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:17,080 Speaker 2: you could hear this. Remember to subscribe to our podcast, 839 00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:20,759 Speaker 2: and as always, forward today's audio or video link to 840 00:45:20,800 --> 00:45:27,600 Speaker 2: a friend, counselor, or pastor who would be encouraged. I 841 00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:29,959 Speaker 2: just want to take a second to thank the team 842 00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:33,400 Speaker 2: at Life Audio for their partnership with us on the podcast. 843 00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:36,640 Speaker 2: If you go to lifeaudio dot com, you will find 844 00:45:36,719 --> 00:45:40,320 Speaker 2: dozens of other faith centered podcasts in their network. They've 845 00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:44,280 Speaker 2: got shows about prayer, Bible study, parenting, and more.