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Speaker 1: Life Audio.

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Speaker 2: Hi there, it's Danache and welcome to the Rebuilding US

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Speaker 2: Marriage Podcast. There are sometimes things that we are doing

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Speaker 2: in our marriages that also contribute to our spouse not

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Speaker 2: feeling emotionally safe. Emotional connectivity is not a plus, it's

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Speaker 2: a priority. So while I do encourage you to have

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Speaker 2: boundaries in your relationships, I'd never encourage putting up walls.

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Speaker 2: You cannot connect to anybody if you have a wall up.

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Speaker 2: Hey everybody, it's Dayache and you're listening to the Rebuilding

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Speaker 2: US Marriage Podcast. We're continuing in our little mini series

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Speaker 2: called Tried and True, where I am talking about some

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Speaker 2: of the themes and topics from my newest book, Tried

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Speaker 2: and True Marriage Advice from twelve Imperfect Biblical Couples. Now today,

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Speaker 2: I'm actually going to be talking about a conversation that

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Speaker 2: is so pivotal and so foundational for marriage and really

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Speaker 2: for relationships in general. Sorry, if you're watching this on YouTube,

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Speaker 2: my hand is kind of doing weird things. I'm like

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Speaker 2: trying to hold this book in my hand. But if

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Speaker 2: you are watching this on YouTube, then you can see.

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Speaker 2: This is chapter one we're going to be talking about today,

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Speaker 2: and it is on Adam and Eve, and I thought,

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Speaker 2: you know, what better way to start this book than

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Speaker 2: to talk about the og couple in the Bible, starting

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Speaker 2: in the very first book of the Bible, the Book

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Speaker 2: of Genesis, Adam and Eve had a really big problem.

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Speaker 2: And it wasn't just that they introduced sin into the world,

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Speaker 2: though that it was obviously a huge issue. Their problem

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Speaker 2: was that they really dealt with shame. I think in marriage,

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Speaker 2: in our relationships, the number one thing that we are

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Speaker 2: after is to be seen. I want to think about

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Speaker 2: in every relationship that you're a part of, if you

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Speaker 2: have a best friend, or if you are a parent,

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Speaker 2: or if you have you know, a business partnership or

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Speaker 2: a cohort or something like that that you're a part of. Obviously,

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Speaker 2: if you're married or in a dating relationship, all of

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Speaker 2: us want to know that we belong, and all of

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Speaker 2: us want to know that we are seen.

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Speaker 1: When you feel unseen.

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Speaker 2: And when you feel like you don't belong, that not

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Speaker 2: only damages the relationship, but it also damages you in

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Speaker 2: a sense. And I think that the issue that Adam

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Speaker 2: and Eve had, again it wasn't just that they sinned,

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Speaker 2: even though that was huge, but it was that when

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Speaker 2: sin entered into their relationship, it caused them to go

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Speaker 2: into hiding. I spend quite a bit of time talking

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Speaker 2: about the difference between us hiding from God and us

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Speaker 2: hiding from each other. I think that that is a

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Speaker 2: very key point that a lot of people miss when

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Speaker 2: they're reading through this story, is that if you've read

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Speaker 2: the Bible, if you've read especially the story of Adam

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Speaker 2: and Eve, you know that Adam and Eve hid from God.

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Speaker 2: But before they hid from God, they also hid from

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Speaker 2: each other. And I think that that's really important to

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Speaker 2: note because in marriage, if you are married to someone

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Speaker 2: that you do not feel safe with, someone that you

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Speaker 2: feel like you have to hide from, And of course

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Speaker 2: I don't mean physically hiding, but I mean emotionally you

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Speaker 2: feel like you have to hide from, then obviously that's

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Speaker 2: going to affect every aspect of your intimacy. If you've

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Speaker 2: listened to these episodes before, you know that I define

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Speaker 2: intimacy as into me. See, it's not just sexual, it's

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Speaker 2: not just physical touching. Intimacy is coming together as a

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Speaker 2: whole person with another whole person. Right, So, when you

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Speaker 2: think about Adam and Eve's story, and we think about

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Speaker 2: the shame, and we think about the emotional disconnection that

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Speaker 2: sin brought in. I can't help but to think about

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Speaker 2: some of you that are maybe experiencing that in your relationships.

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Speaker 2: So we're going to talk for the next several minutes

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Speaker 2: about how to not only recognize if your relationship is

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Speaker 2: suffering from emotional disconnection or emotional if emotional safety in

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Speaker 2: your relationship has been put in jeopardy. But then of

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Speaker 2: course we're going to talk about how to rebuild that.

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Speaker 2: I was talking to a lady in church recently and

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Speaker 2: she was letting me know that she had been married

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Speaker 2: for about seventy years, I think she said, and their

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Speaker 2: marriage is good. She was like, our marriage is good,

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Speaker 2: we just are not close. And I knew exactly what

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Speaker 2: she meant. Like, from the outside, everything looks good, right,

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Speaker 2: there's no crisis and there's no trauma. There's nothing big

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Speaker 2: that people would point to and say, wow, that's a

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Speaker 2: bad marriage. But she felt this chasm in between her

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Speaker 2: and her husband. And honestly, that is the person that

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Speaker 2: I wrote this book for. If you're reading Tried and

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Speaker 2: True whenever it releases, which if you're listening to this

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Speaker 2: in real time, it's going to release in just a

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Speaker 2: couple of weeks. But when you're reading through this book,

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Speaker 2: I'm not necessarily talking to people who have these huge

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Speaker 2: crises in their marriage. Yes, I will help you as

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Speaker 2: a marriage coach with that, but this book is written

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Speaker 2: to people who are in the middle. That's actually what

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Speaker 2: the subtitle is on the book. It says for marriages

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Speaker 2: in the middle. And what I mean by that is,

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Speaker 2: you're like that lady that I talked to in church.

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Speaker 2: Everything on the outside might look good, there's nothing majorly

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Speaker 2: going wrong in your relationships, but you know that there's

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Speaker 2: a connect and you want to solve that. So let's

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Speaker 2: open up our Bibles to Genesis, and we are going

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Speaker 2: to read just a couple of scriptures here from the

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Speaker 2: Book of Genesis, chapter two. So Genesis chapter two, twenty five,

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Speaker 2: it says, now the man and his wife were both naked,

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Speaker 2: but they felt no shame. Chapter one is called Adam

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Speaker 2: and Eve Naked and Unashamed. I've talked about this before

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Speaker 2: on other episodes, because again I think that that aspect

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Speaker 2: of being unashamed is really the essence of intimacy. It's

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Speaker 2: being known and being fully known. It's not hiding, it's

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Speaker 2: not having to pretend. It's not having to act like

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Speaker 2: you know, everything's okay, or hiding parts of yourself right.

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Speaker 2: And I think that when we get to that place

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Speaker 2: and then that is somehow taken away from us. A

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Speaker 2: lot of people feel very vulnerable, they feel very open,

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Speaker 2: they feel very attached to their spouse right before they

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Speaker 2: get married. And then they get married and something happens,

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Speaker 2: and if you're not able to trace what happened, like

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Speaker 2: some people, this is when we hear people say, like

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Speaker 2: we just quote grew apart. Well, you don't just grow apart.

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Speaker 2: Something happened to be the catalyst to that.

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Speaker 1: Now.

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Speaker 2: I do believe that disconnection is our default, and you

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Speaker 2: may have heard me say that before. If you're not

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Speaker 2: actively and intentionally working to build a better marriage, then

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Speaker 2: by default, you are going to disconnect. Yes, that takes time.

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Speaker 2: I'm talking about those folks who get married and like

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Speaker 2: in a short few months, they just are totally disconnected.

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Speaker 2: It's usually because something happened that they're either not able

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Speaker 2: to identify or they don't want to identify. So I

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Speaker 2: want to talk a little bit about safety as a need.

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Speaker 2: A lot of times we think of women, right like

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Speaker 2: women have needs. Men have needs, and we often think

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Speaker 2: that women have this overarching need of safety, which is true,

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Speaker 2: but do you know that men also have a huge

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Speaker 2: need for safety. This is why a lot of guys

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Speaker 2: don't have a lot of friends, because they don't feel

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Speaker 2: safe enough to truly be themselves with other men. When

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Speaker 2: a man finds a woman that he can bear his

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Speaker 2: heart to where he can just be completely open and

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Speaker 2: honest to, he will keep that woman forever because it

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Speaker 2: is such a need.

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Speaker 1: That men have.

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Speaker 2: And on the flip side, if a man feels like

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Speaker 2: he cannot trust his wife, he cannot depend on her

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Speaker 2: to keep his secrets or to not look down on

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Speaker 2: him for being the man that he is, he will

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Speaker 2: keep her at arm's length all day. So if you're

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Speaker 2: a wife and you're wondering, why does my husband keep

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Speaker 2: me at arm's length? Why does my husband seem to

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Speaker 2: push me away? I talk about the specific couple that

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Speaker 2: I've been coaching in this book that I've written, and

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Speaker 2: of course I don't ever give any kind of details

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Speaker 2: or any of that because I do respect my client's privacy.

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Speaker 2: But this is a very common issue where a husband

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Speaker 2: will push his wife away, and in this particular couple

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Speaker 2: that I had been coaching the issue. It wasn't that

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Speaker 2: the wife had done some horrible thing. Right in many

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Speaker 2: of you, you're like, I haven't done anything. I mean,

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Speaker 2: if there's anything, let me know so that I can

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Speaker 2: fix this. Right, it's not you doing something. It might

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Speaker 2: be that your husband just doesn't feel safe. Now. That

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Speaker 2: might be because of things that you've said or done

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Speaker 2: in the past, or it might just be his own insecurities.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. We really have to diagnose and see

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Speaker 1: what's going on there.

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Speaker 2: But all I know is that emotional safety is a

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Speaker 2: need for both men and women. It's not just a

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Speaker 2: woman's need. We all have this need, this foundational, structural

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Speaker 2: need to feel emotionally safe in our relationships. So when

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Speaker 2: we look at like the OG couple, right, Adam and Eve,

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Speaker 2: we also look at the way that God designed marriage

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Speaker 2: to operate. God has always desired for us to be

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Speaker 2: emotionally unashamed with one another, no hiding, no secrets, no pretending.

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Speaker 2: That's his desire. And the reason that I stress this

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Speaker 2: is because this is not just a plus. Emotional connectivity

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Speaker 2: is not a plus. It's a priority because it's the

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Speaker 2: way that God purposed for marriage to be. So if

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Speaker 2: you're in a marriage and you're emotionally disconnected, this is

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Speaker 2: very urgent that we fix this. This is not just

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Speaker 2: like a you know, oh, you know, that'd be nice

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Speaker 2: if we could be emotionally close.

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Speaker 1: No, this is actually foundational. Okay.

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Speaker 2: So when we think about what stands in the way

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Speaker 2: of us truly being open with our spouse, I think

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Speaker 2: there's a lot of things, right that can come to play.

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Speaker 2: There are a lot of reasons why we might hold back.

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Speaker 2: I think one of those is sin.

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Speaker 1: For sure.

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Speaker 2: If let's say there's a spouse who's being unfaithful, then

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Speaker 2: that's going to obviously disconnect the marriage and you're gonna

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Speaker 2: feel that. And this is where I tell people a

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Speaker 2: lot of times, you got to pay attention to those

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Speaker 2: red flags and those warning signs concerning infidelity. If you

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Speaker 2: were close and all of a sudden you're disconnected, there's

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Speaker 2: a reason for that, and sometimes that can be sin. Now,

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Speaker 2: sin is not only infidelity, It could be other types

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Speaker 2: of sin that have entered into the relationship. So sin

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Speaker 2: is one of those things. Again, this was Adam and

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Speaker 2: Eve's situation, right, sin entered into their relationship. It broke

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Speaker 2: their discon or it broke their connection. Sin entered into

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Speaker 2: their relationship and it broke their connection. Okay, not only

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Speaker 2: can sin enter into relationship and break that emotional connectivity,

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Speaker 2: but so can shame.

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Speaker 1: And I think this is one of.

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Speaker 2: Those points that it really makes me sad because sometimes

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Speaker 2: people are dealing with shame and they can pretend real well,

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Speaker 2: like from the outside, you would never know that that

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Speaker 2: person is really dealing with a bitter root of shame

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Speaker 2: in their life. But then what happens is then they

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Speaker 2: get married and they cannot connect. They cannot they will not.

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Speaker 2: I'll say that they will not. They choose not to

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Speaker 2: because they are so full of shame. And they could

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Speaker 2: be shame because of what they've done, or shame because

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Speaker 2: of what has been done to them. Maybe they were

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Speaker 2: a victim of some sort of assault or molestation, or

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Speaker 2: maybe their parents were just verbally abusive to them or

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Speaker 2: something like that, right, And that person has carried a

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Speaker 2: lot of shame with them, and so they get married

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Speaker 2: thinking that the marriage is going to fix it. But

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Speaker 2: marriage doesn't solve any problems, y'all know that, right, And

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Speaker 2: so they're dealing with this shame and they can't connect.

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Speaker 2: I think another thing that stands in the way of

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Speaker 2: our emotional connectivity is also self protection. What does self

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Speaker 2: protection do for us, Well, we think it's keeping us

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Speaker 2: from harm. So really, at the root of all of

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Speaker 2: that is fear. We're afraid of something. I'm afraid I'm

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Speaker 2: gonna be hurt. So because I'm afraid I'm and be hurt,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to intentionally hold myself back self protection. I

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Speaker 2: was talking to someone I won't say who. I was

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Speaker 2: talking to someone very recently, and I had this whole

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Speaker 2: conversation with this person about a lot of times you

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Speaker 2: feel like putting those walls up keeps, you say, and

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Speaker 2: it might, but you know what walls also do.

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Speaker 1: They keep good things out.

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Speaker 2: As much as I love to talk about boundaries, I

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Speaker 2: always make that very clear definition. A boundary is not

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Speaker 2: a wall. Walls are impenetrable. Boundaries are. They're fluid. You

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Speaker 2: can move a boundary if need be. So, while I

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Speaker 2: do encourage you to have boundaries in your relationships, i'd

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Speaker 2: never encourage putting up walls. But that's what a lot

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Speaker 2: of people do when they're trying to protect themselves out

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Speaker 2: of fear.

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Speaker 1: They'll put a.

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Speaker 2: Wall up, and of course you cannot connect to anybody

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Speaker 2: if you have a wall up. So we're going to

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Speaker 2: take a quick break for a word from our sponsor,

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Speaker 2: and when we come back, I'm going to show you

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Speaker 2: if you have this issue in your relationship, this disconnection,

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Speaker 2: this feeling that I am not emotionally safe, I'm going

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Speaker 2: to give you some tips on how you can begin

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Speaker 2: to work on that right now. So take this time,

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Speaker 2: make sure that you subscribe to the podcast.

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Speaker 1: And we'll be right back. All right, my friends, we're back.

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Speaker 2: So before the break, we were talking about reasons that

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Speaker 2: our relationships fall into this emotional chasm, this emotional disconnection,

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Speaker 2: and now I want to help you to understand not

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Speaker 2: only some of those kind of external reasons or maybe

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Speaker 2: subconscious reasons like the self protection or the shame, but

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Speaker 2: I also want you to understand that there are sometimes

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Speaker 2: things that we are doing in our marriages that also

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Speaker 2: contribute to our spouse not feeling emotionally safe. Okay, Now

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Speaker 2: this is where you're going to have to be real

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Speaker 2: honest with yourself and do not get offended by anything

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Speaker 2: that I'm about to say to you, okay, because.

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Speaker 1: My job is always to help you to improve.

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Speaker 2: It's not to make you feel bad about yourself or

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Speaker 2: to feel ashamed because of things that you've done in

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Speaker 2: the past. This is all to help you not to

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Speaker 2: make the same mistakes, or if you have already made

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Speaker 2: these mistakes, to go back and clean it up so

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Speaker 2: that you can fix your relationships so that your relationship

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Speaker 2: can be healthy and whole. So one of the things

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Speaker 2: that I think I see a lot is the way

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Speaker 2: that we talk to each other.

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Speaker 1: Y'all. Let me tell you something.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes we talk to people that we live with way

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Speaker 2: worse than we would ever talk to a stranger or

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Speaker 2: a coworker or someone like that. Sometimes people just lack

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Speaker 2: basic manners in their houses. So you can be nice

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Speaker 2: that everybody out there in the world, but then you

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Speaker 2: get home and you treat your spouse like trash. You

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Speaker 2: don't say please, you don't say thank you, you barely

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Speaker 2: say good morning, you leave without saying goodbye like wow,

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Speaker 2: you know, and then we wonder why we're disconnected. So

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Speaker 2: there are certain things that are just like we're just

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Speaker 2: gonna have to work at those things, right, We're just

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Speaker 2: gonna have to be a little bit more intentional about

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Speaker 2: some basic things like the way that you treat your spouse,

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Speaker 2: not being harsh if they make a mistake, not you know,

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Speaker 2: calling them names or rolling your eyes or being rude

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Speaker 2: or embarrassing them in front of other people. If you

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Speaker 2: embarrass your spouse or anybody for that matter, they are

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Speaker 2: not going to want to connect with you because you

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Speaker 2: are not an emotionally safe person. So I want you

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Speaker 2: to think about, are there any times in my relationship

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Speaker 2: where I have been harsh? And I'm not talking about

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Speaker 2: like you said a harsh thing like fifteen years ago.

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Speaker 2: I'm talking about like, this is kind of your pattern

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Speaker 2: when you get upset, you say stuff out of your

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Speaker 2: mouth that you know is hurtful, and you never go

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Speaker 2: back and clean up that stuff, and you haven't done

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Speaker 2: any work.

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Speaker 1: To fix your own communication.

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Speaker 2: You're so busy talking about the communication of my marriage

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Speaker 2: is broken, but you don't realize that. No, it's you

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Speaker 2: the way that you're communicating that's the problem. Okay, So

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Speaker 2: think about what are those things that I've maybe said,

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Speaker 2: or maybe things that have been said to you. Maybe

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Speaker 2: there are harsh responses that have been said to you

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Speaker 2: and you have not forgiven those things, or those things

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Speaker 2: have not been made right.

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Speaker 1: So that's the first thing.

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Speaker 2: The other thing that can cause our emotional safety to

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Speaker 2: break is being defensive. You know, your spouse tells you

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Speaker 2: something because they love you and they're trying to help you,

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Speaker 2: but you just get defensive. Nothing's ever your fault, it's

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Speaker 2: somebody else's fault, or you don't understand me, or why

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Speaker 2: would you assume that about me? We get very defensive,

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Speaker 2: and this is where you have to ask yourself, is

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Speaker 2: my spouse on my team or not? Like, is my

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Speaker 2: spouse really for me or are they not? And I

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Speaker 2: believe that our spouses are more for us than they

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Speaker 2: are against us. But if you're not careful, you will

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Speaker 2: develop this this theme in your mind, a story, a

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Speaker 2: narrative in your mind that your spouse is really not

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Speaker 2: for you. So even the things that they're telling you

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Speaker 2: that are meant to help you, you will see that

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Speaker 2: as some sort of put down or criticism. And this

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Speaker 2: is where you're just gonna have to choose, does this

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Speaker 2: person really love me or not? Are they for me

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Speaker 2: or not? Maybe something that I need to work on

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Speaker 2: in my own mind instead of projecting that onto my spouse. Okay,

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Speaker 2: So harshness defensiveness another thing that breaks our intimacy is

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Speaker 2: minimizing our spouse's feelings.

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Speaker 1: Our spouse comes and.

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Speaker 2: They talk to us about something that's been bothering them,

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Speaker 2: and we say things like, you know, it's not even

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Speaker 2: a big deal, or oh my gosh, you're over exaggerating,

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Speaker 2: or why do you take things so seriously? Well, listen,

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Speaker 2: if you do that to people, then they're not gonna

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Speaker 2: trust you, they're not gonna talk to you, they're not

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Speaker 2: gonna open up to you. So think about, have you

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Speaker 2: been doing some of that minimizing of your spouse's feelings.

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Speaker 2: Something else is unforgiveness. I alluded to this a little

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Speaker 2: bit before when I was talking about maybe you are

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Speaker 2: the one that's been receiving some of that harshness from

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Speaker 2: your spouse and you're holding on to unforgiveness Again, maybe

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Speaker 2: you're putting up an emotional wall because you know that

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Speaker 2: this person isn't safe. So if there is any unforgiveness

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Speaker 2: that exists in your marriage, that will affect your emotional connectivity,

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Speaker 2: and it will have a direct effect on whether you

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Speaker 2: feel emotionally safe with this person or not. Unforgiveness is

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Speaker 2: such a bitter root, and this is why every place

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Speaker 2: that you find it. You have to be willing to

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Speaker 2: root that thing out lest it destroy your whole relationship. Okay,

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Speaker 2: and then the fifth thing that I think that really

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Speaker 2: affects us our emotional connectivity is judgments. Now we don't

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Speaker 2: talk about this a who whole lot, but I want

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Speaker 2: you to listen to me here. What is the difference

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Speaker 2: between just telling the truth and being judgmental? Right, because,

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Speaker 2: like in our society, people have confused the to they

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Speaker 2: conflate the two. They think if you're telling someone the truth,

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Speaker 2: that you're judging them. Don't judge me. I'm not judging you.

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Speaker 2: I'm just telling you that this is what it is, right,

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Speaker 2: this is the truth. The difference is judgment oftentimes assigns

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Speaker 2: motive to people's behavior. So let's say that I'm walking

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Speaker 2: down the street and a car cuts off another car

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Speaker 2: and I go, oh my goodness, you know I just

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Speaker 2: saw that car cut off another car. Am I judging

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Speaker 2: the driver? No, I'm stating a fact. There was a

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Speaker 2: car that cut off another car. Now that's telling the truth.

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Speaker 2: Now what if I said something like I can't believe

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Speaker 2: that person is so rude and inconsiderate they cut off

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Speaker 2: that other car. That is a judgment. Why because now

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Speaker 2: I'm assigning motive. I don't know why that car cut

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Speaker 2: off the other car. Listen, I've cut off cars before

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Speaker 2: and been like, oh, shoot, Like after I realized, either

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Speaker 2: after they blare their horn or I happen to see

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Speaker 2: them in my blind spot, I'm like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 2: I did not mean to do that. You've probably done that.

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Speaker 2: But why do we not give other people the benefit

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Speaker 2: of the doubt, even though we want to receive the

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Speaker 2: benefit of the doubt.

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Speaker 1: So whenever you're.

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Speaker 2: Assigning a motive to someone's behavior, that's a judgment, and

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Speaker 2: we often do that in our relationships, and it really

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Speaker 2: damages the emotional safety and the emotional connectivity. So if

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Speaker 2: you find yourself doing any of these five things, whether

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Speaker 2: it be treating your spouse harshly, whether it be be

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Speaker 2: in defensive, whether it be minimizing their feelings, whether it

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Speaker 2: be holding onto unforgiveness or judgment, then the good news

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Speaker 2: is these are all very fixable. You just have to

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Speaker 2: be willing to fix those things, okay. And the good

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Speaker 2: news is you don't even need a marriage coach or

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Speaker 2: counselor to help you to do that.

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Speaker 1: It's just a decision.

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Speaker 2: It's just you being much more intentional about your responses.

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Speaker 2: And maybe again there's some thought patterns that you need

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Speaker 2: to address so that you can stop projecting these things

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Speaker 2: into your relationship because they're really damaging your relationship. Okay,

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Speaker 2: so now we talked about coming some of the bad stuff, right,

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Speaker 2: let's get to the good stuff. The good news, friend,

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Speaker 2: is that all those five things that I just said

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Speaker 2: that you need to work on, if you work on them,

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Speaker 2: you will rebuild your emotional safety. And it's really simple.

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Speaker 2: I'm not trying to oversimplify. I'm being very very clear here.

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Speaker 2: If you stop treating your spouse harshly, then they're not

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Speaker 2: going to keep pulling away from you. You address your

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Speaker 2: unforgiveness issues, then you're not going to keep pulling away

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Speaker 2: from your spouse. If you stop judging your spouse, then

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Speaker 2: they're not going to feel judged by you, And so

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Speaker 2: you're going to connect sometimes just inadvertently, because you're gonna

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Speaker 2: stop doing these damaging things. Now here are some other

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Speaker 2: things that you can do, and I would encourage everybody

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Speaker 2: to apply these things to your relationship. Okay, I'm gonna

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Speaker 2: give you four quick things and we're gonna be out.

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Speaker 2: It's not a long episode today. The first thing is listen. Well,

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Speaker 2: I've said this before, I'll say it again. All of

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Speaker 2: us know how to hear, but very few people know

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Speaker 2: how to listen. When you learn how to be a

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Speaker 2: better listener, you create emotional safety. You have two ears

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Speaker 2: and one mouth. That means we're supposed to listen twice

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Speaker 2: as much as we speak. So as you listen to

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Speaker 2: other people, they feel seen. Right Think about all the

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Speaker 2: people that you love spending time with. They're probably not

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00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:00,080
Speaker 2: people who talk the whole time that you're together. There

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Speaker 2: are people who get you. There are people who seem

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00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,720
Speaker 2: to see you to know you. They're people who probably

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Speaker 2: listen to you. So apply that same logic to your relationship.

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Speaker 2: What if you became an incredible listener, your spouse would

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Speaker 2: trust you, they would open up to you, they would

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Speaker 2: feel safe with you, and vice versa. So a lot

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Speaker 2: of times we've got to learn how to do before

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Speaker 2: we receive. I know that you're listening right now, Think

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Speaker 2: of Dana, I know this. I want my spouse to

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Speaker 2: hear this. Well, Number one, share this episode with them,

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Speaker 2: and number two, you start doing the things that you

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Speaker 2: want to have done to you. The Bible says that

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Speaker 2: right do unto others the way that you would have

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Speaker 2: them do unto you, So be a better listener. The

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Speaker 2: second thing is ask more questions than you make statements.

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Speaker 2: I ask lots of questions. I mean, as a coach,

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00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:49,840
Speaker 2: that's all I do is ask people questions all day, right,

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00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:52,720
Speaker 2: ask ask asks. But you have to learn how to

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Speaker 2: do that in your relationship. Instead of assigning a motive,

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00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:59,000
Speaker 2: instead of making a blanket statement, learn how to ask

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Speaker 2: better questions. Instead of saying like you just da da

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00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:06,800
Speaker 2: da da dah, ask can you explain to me how?

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Speaker 2: How is a good question? What is a good question?

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00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,840
Speaker 2: When is a good question? Why is not the greatest question?

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Speaker 2: Why did you do that?

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Speaker 1: That sounds accusatory, right, But.

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Speaker 2: If you say something like what made you decide to

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00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:23,960
Speaker 2: make that decision? Or when did that idea come to you?

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00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,240
Speaker 2: Those are better questions. So learn how to be more

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Speaker 2: curious than you make statements.

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Speaker 1: Okay.

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Speaker 2: Number three, reaffirm your spouse. Sean and I both have

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Speaker 2: words of affirmation as one of our top.

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Speaker 1: Two love languages.

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Speaker 2: We need lots of affirmation, apparently, But when you reaffirm

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Speaker 2: your spouse. When you affirm your spouse, I mean cause

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Speaker 2: some of y'all you don't need to read. You need

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00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:50,399
Speaker 2: to affirm because you don't do that. So affirming your spouse,

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Speaker 2: and that's not saying things like you look pretty, you're nice.

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Speaker 2: It's talking to their character, saying something about your spouse's

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Speaker 2: character in a positive way, like you're so dependable. I

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Speaker 2: appreciate how you're always on time, You are so thoughtful.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so much for thinking to me when you

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Speaker 2: went to the store today.

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Speaker 1: Things like that.

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Speaker 2: Affirming your spouse, that goes a long way to create

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00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:17,119
Speaker 2: that emotional safety. And then number four is to focus

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Speaker 2: on your love.

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Speaker 1: What do I mean by that?

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Speaker 2: Y'all have heard me say this before again if you've

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Speaker 2: listened to the podcast for a while, your spouse.

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Speaker 1: Is not the problem. The problem is the problem when.

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Speaker 2: You focus on the fact that I genuinely do love you,

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Speaker 2: and I believe that you genuinely love me, and this

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00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:37,560
Speaker 2: problem that we're facing is the problem. You're not the problem.

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Speaker 2: I'm not the problem. The problem is the problem. So

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Speaker 2: we're going to focus on our love. We're not going

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00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:44,000
Speaker 2: to focus on this problem. We're not going to make

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Speaker 2: each other feel bad about ourselves because we're dealing with

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Speaker 2: this problem. We're going to keep our love at the

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00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:52,800
Speaker 2: forefront of our relationship. When you do these things, friends,

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Speaker 2: you will notice emotional safety reappear in your marriage. Now, now,

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Speaker 2: I've thrown a lot at you today, and I mean,

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00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:02,840
Speaker 2: there's so much I could probably write my next book

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00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:06,399
Speaker 2: on how to create emotional safety, but I truncated it

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Speaker 2: down into a twenty five minute podcast episode. This might

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00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:11,199
Speaker 2: be one of those episodes that you want to go

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00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:13,280
Speaker 2: back and listen to again, that you want to take notes,

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00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,840
Speaker 2: because I really believe it's not just in the hearing,

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00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:21,359
Speaker 2: it's in the doing these things that you're going to

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Speaker 2: see your marriage become vibrant and safe again. So thanks

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00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:30,240
Speaker 2: so much for listening. If you've not already pre ordered

495
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,600
Speaker 2: your copy of Tried and True, you can do that

496
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:35,560
Speaker 2: on my website at Danashay dot com for it slash

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00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,720
Speaker 2: Tried and True. I would love for you to be

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00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:39,440
Speaker 2: a part of the book launch again. I'm not sure

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00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,840
Speaker 2: when you're listening to this podcast episode, if you're listening

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00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,480
Speaker 2: in real time or later, but Tried and True is

501
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,639
Speaker 2: always going to be available on my website, So go

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00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,240
Speaker 2: on the website, look and see what's available to you now.

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00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:52,159
Speaker 2: The book is out and it's everywhere that books are sold,

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00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:54,359
Speaker 2: so be sure to get your copy today. Thank you

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00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:56,240
Speaker 2: so much for listening. I will see you all on

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Speaker 2: the next episode.

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Speaker 1: Take care,