1 00:00:20,196 --> 00:00:23,236 Speaker 1: Hi friend, I'm so glad you're here today. Let's learn 2 00:00:23,276 --> 00:00:26,916 Speaker 1: how to raise our kids to love God, respect authority, 3 00:00:27,196 --> 00:00:31,036 Speaker 1: and do what's right. Let's scroll less and live more. 4 00:00:31,356 --> 00:00:38,796 Speaker 1: I'm Arlene Pelicane and this is the Happy Home Friends. 5 00:00:38,876 --> 00:00:42,396 Speaker 1: Are you kidding me? Our favorites are back, David Thomas 6 00:00:42,635 --> 00:00:45,716 Speaker 1: and Sissy Goff, who need no introduction. They are from 7 00:00:45,716 --> 00:00:50,196 Speaker 1: the Big Yellow House in Nashville, Tennessee at day Star Counseling. 8 00:00:50,476 --> 00:00:53,396 Speaker 1: They are authors that you have read whether you want 9 00:00:53,396 --> 00:00:56,556 Speaker 1: worry free girls or you want to raise emotionally strong boys, 10 00:00:56,596 --> 00:01:00,075 Speaker 1: and they are here with their new book, drum roll 11 00:01:00,116 --> 00:01:05,556 Speaker 1: Please Capable how to teach your kids strengths, skills and 12 00:01:05,636 --> 00:01:08,996 Speaker 1: strategies to build resilience. Welcome back, guys. 13 00:01:10,156 --> 00:01:13,196 Speaker 2: We love to be with you every single time, in person, 14 00:01:13,556 --> 00:01:14,676 Speaker 2: virtually anyway. 15 00:01:15,796 --> 00:01:18,795 Speaker 3: And what a kind introduction I'd like to do finish 16 00:01:19,396 --> 00:01:22,836 Speaker 3: right there if What a beautiful way to step into 17 00:01:22,876 --> 00:01:23,196 Speaker 3: the day. 18 00:01:23,356 --> 00:01:26,116 Speaker 1: Arlene, Yeah, I cannot tell you. Of course. You were 19 00:01:26,116 --> 00:01:29,396 Speaker 1: here last September in San Diego for the Parents' Rising Conference, 20 00:01:29,435 --> 00:01:33,675 Speaker 1: and so many parents came to me and said, Wow, 21 00:01:33,715 --> 00:01:36,315 Speaker 1: we learned so much. And that's really what you bring 22 00:01:36,356 --> 00:01:40,796 Speaker 1: to people. You bring us the knowledge of years and experience, 23 00:01:41,116 --> 00:01:45,196 Speaker 1: the grace to receive hard truths. And you were just 24 00:01:45,476 --> 00:01:48,996 Speaker 1: the honest and kindest of people ever. So let's start 25 00:01:48,996 --> 00:01:52,876 Speaker 1: this with this. In your thirty plus years of Counselague, right, 26 00:01:52,996 --> 00:01:57,516 Speaker 1: you have never been more concerned. That's kind of the 27 00:01:57,676 --> 00:02:00,196 Speaker 1: entryway to this new book. Capable talk to what you've 28 00:02:00,236 --> 00:02:02,675 Speaker 1: seen and why you are so concerned at this moment. 29 00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:07,156 Speaker 2: For kids, yes, we know, I mean all of us 30 00:02:07,196 --> 00:02:10,476 Speaker 2: have been talking about that. Several years ago the Surgeon 31 00:02:10,516 --> 00:02:13,516 Speaker 2: General said there was a mental health crisis among kids. 32 00:02:14,196 --> 00:02:17,876 Speaker 2: Several years after that, he said cited parental stress as 33 00:02:17,916 --> 00:02:23,036 Speaker 2: a major healthsory. And we have seen evidence of all 34 00:02:23,116 --> 00:02:27,715 Speaker 2: of that brewing for years now, seeing anxiety on the rise, 35 00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:31,956 Speaker 2: depression on the rise, suicidality on the rise, seen parents 36 00:02:31,996 --> 00:02:36,115 Speaker 2: feeling more stress, more anxiety. And what we're seeing now 37 00:02:36,476 --> 00:02:40,716 Speaker 2: is this culture that I think, in reaction, has moved 38 00:02:40,756 --> 00:02:47,076 Speaker 2: to being averse to risk, averse to effort, averse to discomfort. 39 00:02:47,196 --> 00:02:51,836 Speaker 2: And we are talking with I think I'm talking every 40 00:02:51,876 --> 00:02:53,996 Speaker 2: day to a parent of a young child who says 41 00:02:53,996 --> 00:02:57,876 Speaker 2: they'll only eat three foods. I'm talking to an elementary 42 00:02:57,876 --> 00:03:01,116 Speaker 2: school age parent who says, I can't leave them. They're 43 00:03:01,115 --> 00:03:05,356 Speaker 2: melting down every morning before school. A middle schooler who 44 00:03:05,516 --> 00:03:07,476 Speaker 2: won't try a new activity if they don't think. 45 00:03:07,316 --> 00:03:10,756 Speaker 4: They'll do it perfectly. A high schooler who. 46 00:03:10,756 --> 00:03:15,076 Speaker 2: Won't reach out to new friends because that's awkward. An 47 00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:18,356 Speaker 2: adolescent who won't get their driver's license. It's like they're 48 00:03:18,395 --> 00:03:21,556 Speaker 2: not moving into these things that we know are not 49 00:03:21,596 --> 00:03:26,916 Speaker 2: only milestones, but they're indicative of kids who want to grow. 50 00:03:26,996 --> 00:03:28,596 Speaker 2: I had a girl years ago who said to me, 51 00:03:28,956 --> 00:03:31,315 Speaker 2: I don't want to grow, I just want to be understood. 52 00:03:31,916 --> 00:03:34,716 Speaker 2: And we're seeing more and more of that happen with 53 00:03:34,836 --> 00:03:38,196 Speaker 2: kids and with adults, and that is not what we know. 54 00:03:38,316 --> 00:03:40,196 Speaker 2: This life is going to bring the kids that we love, 55 00:03:40,276 --> 00:03:43,156 Speaker 2: and so we have got to prepare them for something different. 56 00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:46,956 Speaker 1: Right, No, it's so true. There's one thing in your book. 57 00:03:46,956 --> 00:03:48,596 Speaker 1: You give a story, and we're going to get to 58 00:03:48,676 --> 00:03:50,836 Speaker 1: like those scenarios because I want to get to the oh, 59 00:03:50,916 --> 00:03:52,916 Speaker 1: I can't get my kid to do X, Y and Z, 60 00:03:53,076 --> 00:03:54,556 Speaker 1: what do I do as a parent. We're going to 61 00:03:54,596 --> 00:03:57,516 Speaker 1: get there. But a kid that's like you do it 62 00:03:57,636 --> 00:04:00,756 Speaker 1: for me, right, like they won't do it themselves. You 63 00:04:00,836 --> 00:04:03,356 Speaker 1: do it for me and David, I'd like you to 64 00:04:03,396 --> 00:04:05,676 Speaker 1: talk about, like, wait a minute, what if the parent 65 00:04:05,796 --> 00:04:07,836 Speaker 1: like either let's say they're either yelling because it's so 66 00:04:07,916 --> 00:04:09,676 Speaker 1: big and the parent just wants it to go away, 67 00:04:10,076 --> 00:04:12,116 Speaker 1: or they look so pitiful. You do it for me. 68 00:04:12,636 --> 00:04:14,756 Speaker 1: I can't do it right. So they're either so belligerent 69 00:04:14,876 --> 00:04:19,396 Speaker 1: or so pitiful. How can that parent then instead of like, okay, 70 00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:21,836 Speaker 1: child of mine, I'll do it for you, how can 71 00:04:21,876 --> 00:04:24,436 Speaker 1: that parent then snap and say, oh I get it. 72 00:04:24,476 --> 00:04:26,596 Speaker 1: No I'm supposed to say no, you do it yourself. 73 00:04:27,356 --> 00:04:30,476 Speaker 3: It's a great question, Arlene, And it's fascinating to me 74 00:04:30,596 --> 00:04:33,956 Speaker 3: that you even use that very example. My wife is 75 00:04:33,996 --> 00:04:36,476 Speaker 3: an educator, has been teaching for decades and decades, and 76 00:04:36,516 --> 00:04:40,075 Speaker 3: she was telling me a story recently of observing a 77 00:04:40,076 --> 00:04:43,236 Speaker 3: group of kids and their parents walking around the school 78 00:04:43,276 --> 00:04:46,156 Speaker 3: building to hang out at the playground after school, and 79 00:04:46,796 --> 00:04:50,156 Speaker 3: how many of the kids drop their backpacks and he 80 00:04:50,436 --> 00:04:54,316 Speaker 3: assumed or requested that their parents carry us around the school. 81 00:04:54,356 --> 00:04:58,156 Speaker 3: And she watched this wise intuitive mom after her daughter 82 00:04:58,236 --> 00:05:01,075 Speaker 3: dropped her backpack, say hey, honey, you need to grab that. 83 00:05:01,195 --> 00:05:03,556 Speaker 3: You're capable even use the very word we talk so 84 00:05:03,596 --> 00:05:06,156 Speaker 3: often about, and she looked back at her mom and said, 85 00:05:06,236 --> 00:05:09,276 Speaker 3: I don't want to be capable, and so I think 86 00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:11,155 Speaker 3: it's another example. 87 00:05:10,716 --> 00:05:12,396 Speaker 5: Of the story Sissy shared earlier. 88 00:05:12,716 --> 00:05:15,076 Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't want to and let's just use that 89 00:05:15,116 --> 00:05:17,236 Speaker 3: as an analogy. I don't want to carry heavy things. 90 00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:18,796 Speaker 3: I don't want to do hard things. I don't want 91 00:05:18,796 --> 00:05:21,196 Speaker 3: to carry my backpack now, and I don't want to 92 00:05:21,276 --> 00:05:24,236 Speaker 3: join a team later. And you know, Arland, to your 93 00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:27,315 Speaker 3: great question, I think our challenge to parents. 94 00:05:26,996 --> 00:05:30,556 Speaker 5: Would be what's required to help. 95 00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:33,956 Speaker 3: You consistently throughout your kid's growth and development, be playing 96 00:05:33,996 --> 00:05:37,636 Speaker 3: the long game that you are always forecasting where you 97 00:05:37,676 --> 00:05:40,196 Speaker 3: want to see your kids moving, so that when you're 98 00:05:40,236 --> 00:05:44,955 Speaker 3: in the hard moments making difficult decisions that could bring 99 00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:47,716 Speaker 3: about an even bigger reaction or require kids to move 100 00:05:47,755 --> 00:05:50,516 Speaker 3: deeper into discomfort, we've got a target and mind of 101 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:53,356 Speaker 3: where we're headed. Because think on the sequence of what 102 00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:56,676 Speaker 3: Sissy just described. It's like if I can't separate out 103 00:05:56,716 --> 00:05:59,395 Speaker 3: from my parent here, and I'm not trying out for 104 00:05:59,436 --> 00:06:02,556 Speaker 3: a team here, and I'm not reaching out friends here 105 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:06,315 Speaker 3: and getting my driver's license, the next significant milestone is 106 00:06:07,796 --> 00:06:10,315 Speaker 3: the significant drop. I do a lot of work with 107 00:06:10,356 --> 00:06:12,916 Speaker 3: boys and adolescent males. We've seen in young men who 108 00:06:12,916 --> 00:06:15,516 Speaker 3: are even willing to apply to college, and the stats 109 00:06:15,556 --> 00:06:17,876 Speaker 3: around young men who are still living at home between 110 00:06:17,876 --> 00:06:20,396 Speaker 3: eighteen and twenty four, and then I don't even want 111 00:06:20,436 --> 00:06:21,996 Speaker 3: to talk about the stats of young men who are 112 00:06:21,996 --> 00:06:26,036 Speaker 3: still living in home at thirty, Like, it's so heartbreaking 113 00:06:26,076 --> 00:06:29,716 Speaker 3: to think of these capable young men not moving out 114 00:06:29,916 --> 00:06:32,596 Speaker 3: into the world. That again, if we're not playing the 115 00:06:32,636 --> 00:06:35,236 Speaker 3: long game, making the decisions in the every day when 116 00:06:35,236 --> 00:06:40,236 Speaker 3: they're younger, absolutely could lead to those realities on the backside. 117 00:06:40,315 --> 00:06:43,036 Speaker 1: Right, So if you have an elementary school child that 118 00:06:43,156 --> 00:06:45,595 Speaker 1: you just picture in your mind, oh, look they're thirty 119 00:06:45,996 --> 00:06:48,556 Speaker 1: and they're living with me, and then you realize, oh, 120 00:06:48,636 --> 00:06:50,796 Speaker 1: this is not gonna work. Please pick up your backpack. 121 00:06:51,195 --> 00:06:55,075 Speaker 1: And I think too, it's really the parent has to 122 00:06:55,116 --> 00:06:58,075 Speaker 1: be willing to be different because they say, oh, every 123 00:06:58,116 --> 00:07:00,996 Speaker 1: other parent's doing this. Maybe I'm a bad parent if 124 00:07:01,036 --> 00:07:04,356 Speaker 1: I don't hold the backpack too. Right, So you guys 125 00:07:04,396 --> 00:07:07,116 Speaker 1: know my family so well. So my husband James not 126 00:07:07,156 --> 00:07:10,276 Speaker 1: only gives the backpack my daughter's backpack. It is so heavy, 127 00:07:10,356 --> 00:07:12,516 Speaker 1: right because in school they have so much stuff. It 128 00:07:12,556 --> 00:07:14,956 Speaker 1: is so heavy, and not only will she carry it, 129 00:07:15,036 --> 00:07:18,436 Speaker 1: she will ride her bike three miles and it's hilly 130 00:07:19,276 --> 00:07:22,356 Speaker 1: with the backpack, and then right, so it's six miles 131 00:07:22,716 --> 00:07:25,716 Speaker 1: round trip with that crazy backpack. And I will say, 132 00:07:25,716 --> 00:07:28,476 Speaker 1: as a mom, many times I'm the one that's like, oh, 133 00:07:28,556 --> 00:07:31,716 Speaker 1: you know, it's a little tiny bit cold, let me 134 00:07:31,836 --> 00:07:33,476 Speaker 1: drive you so you don't have to carry that backpack. 135 00:07:33,516 --> 00:07:36,396 Speaker 1: But it is my husband who is like, no, she 136 00:07:36,516 --> 00:07:39,476 Speaker 1: is capable of that kind of speak to the man 137 00:07:39,636 --> 00:07:43,636 Speaker 1: woman thing, like the father mother thing, because I think 138 00:07:43,676 --> 00:07:47,316 Speaker 1: stereotypically obviously there are exceptions, but many times it is 139 00:07:47,356 --> 00:07:50,356 Speaker 1: the strength of a man to say you can do that. Yes. 140 00:07:51,436 --> 00:07:55,196 Speaker 2: Well, to the other end of that story, Arlene, as 141 00:07:55,236 --> 00:07:58,196 Speaker 2: you know my family well, and I have these two 142 00:07:58,236 --> 00:08:01,316 Speaker 2: little amazing nephews. I'm getting to do life alongside. One 143 00:08:01,436 --> 00:08:03,676 Speaker 2: seven and one will be four in a week, and 144 00:08:04,556 --> 00:08:07,396 Speaker 2: we go out to dinner together regularly. And you know, 145 00:08:07,476 --> 00:08:09,276 Speaker 2: at those ages they need to get the bathroom every 146 00:08:09,276 --> 00:08:14,316 Speaker 2: ten minutes. And so my brother in law has started 147 00:08:14,356 --> 00:08:16,596 Speaker 2: saying to the oldest you can go by yourself, Henry, 148 00:08:17,196 --> 00:08:21,036 Speaker 2: and in a public place, and every time my sister 149 00:08:21,076 --> 00:08:22,996 Speaker 2: and I lock eyes and paying. 150 00:08:22,756 --> 00:08:25,996 Speaker 4: It because and as a therapist. 151 00:08:25,516 --> 00:08:28,116 Speaker 2: I know way too many stories. I know way too 152 00:08:28,236 --> 00:08:31,076 Speaker 2: much to feel fearful, and so David, I also want 153 00:08:31,076 --> 00:08:33,516 Speaker 2: to say, we get it, like we get the risks 154 00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:35,476 Speaker 2: that are involved in some of the things we're asking 155 00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:40,476 Speaker 2: parents to do. And Henry's confidence when he comes back 156 00:08:40,516 --> 00:08:42,596 Speaker 2: to the table having gone by himself. 157 00:08:42,836 --> 00:08:45,636 Speaker 4: We can't trade that. It is so valuable. 158 00:08:45,756 --> 00:08:49,036 Speaker 2: And so I can't even remember your original question, but I. 159 00:08:49,436 --> 00:08:52,116 Speaker 1: Think just that the man and the woman like yes, 160 00:08:52,716 --> 00:08:55,156 Speaker 1: or whichever one is leaning towards hey, let's let them 161 00:08:55,196 --> 00:08:59,476 Speaker 1: do it. I exactly the more mushy parent should be like, okay, 162 00:08:59,556 --> 00:09:01,156 Speaker 1: maybe I should be quiet and make them do it. 163 00:09:01,196 --> 00:09:02,676 Speaker 1: With the stronger parent. 164 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:04,436 Speaker 4: Yes, that's exactly right. 165 00:09:04,476 --> 00:09:06,516 Speaker 2: And you know it's interesting because you know, we've talked 166 00:09:06,556 --> 00:09:10,036 Speaker 2: about anxiety a lot together, and in the research it 167 00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:12,356 Speaker 2: says that in a two parent household, there's often an 168 00:09:12,396 --> 00:09:16,036 Speaker 2: anxious parent and a non anxious parent, and the non 169 00:09:16,116 --> 00:09:17,916 Speaker 2: anxious parent is often dismissed. 170 00:09:18,596 --> 00:09:21,116 Speaker 4: Yes, And so even in this that. 171 00:09:21,116 --> 00:09:25,876 Speaker 2: Non anxious parents voice is so incredibly important. And ladies 172 00:09:25,876 --> 00:09:27,996 Speaker 2: that are listening, please hear me say this with. 173 00:09:27,956 --> 00:09:28,756 Speaker 4: So much grace. 174 00:09:29,716 --> 00:09:32,076 Speaker 2: We are twice as likely as the fellas in our 175 00:09:32,156 --> 00:09:34,396 Speaker 2: labs to deal with an zidty and so it is 176 00:09:34,556 --> 00:09:38,076 Speaker 2: often to your great point, Arlene them and so we've 177 00:09:38,116 --> 00:09:40,516 Speaker 2: got a lean into that and do our own work 178 00:09:40,516 --> 00:09:42,516 Speaker 2: as we're sitting there at the table imagining all the 179 00:09:42,516 --> 00:09:44,236 Speaker 2: things that could be happening in the bathroom. 180 00:09:44,596 --> 00:09:48,316 Speaker 1: Yeah, my pastor I used to say, I really liked 181 00:09:48,836 --> 00:09:52,676 Speaker 1: don't do for your kids what they can do for themselves, 182 00:09:53,516 --> 00:09:57,156 Speaker 1: which really encapsulates capable. Right, what you're saying, how do 183 00:09:57,196 --> 00:10:00,236 Speaker 1: we as a parent if we realize, oh, wow, I'm 184 00:10:00,276 --> 00:10:03,756 Speaker 1: doing too much. I am packing the lunch, I'm micromanaging 185 00:10:03,796 --> 00:10:06,756 Speaker 1: the homework, I am making sure you have zero discomfort 186 00:10:06,836 --> 00:10:09,396 Speaker 1: in your life. If you say I'm bored, I hand 187 00:10:09,436 --> 00:10:12,116 Speaker 1: you the tablet like I am doing everything for you. 188 00:10:12,316 --> 00:10:17,316 Speaker 1: How do I begin to change? How where do I start? 189 00:10:18,396 --> 00:10:21,636 Speaker 3: Arlene talk in the book about an equation we love 190 00:10:21,916 --> 00:10:24,956 Speaker 3: of support and challenge, And I think to even the 191 00:10:25,076 --> 00:10:29,796 Speaker 3: question you just asked, Sissy and I both believe that intuitively, 192 00:10:29,836 --> 00:10:32,196 Speaker 3: we us people lean a little bit more in one 193 00:10:32,236 --> 00:10:35,596 Speaker 3: direction than the other. And so Sissy did a beautiful 194 00:10:35,676 --> 00:10:37,916 Speaker 3: job of challenging moms. I'm going to challenge dads, and 195 00:10:38,036 --> 00:10:41,556 Speaker 3: to say, I think dads are often to the very 196 00:10:41,596 --> 00:10:44,796 Speaker 3: story Sissy just shared Olympic gold medalists with challenge, Like, 197 00:10:44,876 --> 00:10:48,196 Speaker 3: I think we do consistently a pretty great job of 198 00:10:48,276 --> 00:10:51,836 Speaker 3: helping kids move bravely out into the world. But we've 199 00:10:51,876 --> 00:10:53,876 Speaker 3: got some growth to do in the place of support. 200 00:10:54,116 --> 00:10:57,316 Speaker 3: Like we intuitively lean toward problem solving and fixing, and 201 00:10:57,396 --> 00:11:00,916 Speaker 3: so sometimes our listening skills need a little tune up. 202 00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:04,036 Speaker 3: And so that being true in my house, my wife 203 00:11:04,196 --> 00:11:07,156 Speaker 3: is an Olympic gold medalist with support, and she can 204 00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:11,236 Speaker 3: lean in the directions you described of wanting to rescue 205 00:11:11,236 --> 00:11:13,636 Speaker 3: our kids a little more easily, she would say if 206 00:11:13,676 --> 00:11:16,516 Speaker 3: she were here, and I can struggle because I'm so 207 00:11:16,556 --> 00:11:19,076 Speaker 3: good at challenge, just sitting with them in support or 208 00:11:19,396 --> 00:11:22,436 Speaker 3: sitting with them in the hard first and just listening. 209 00:11:22,476 --> 00:11:25,356 Speaker 3: So I think our challenge to your question would be, Yeah, 210 00:11:25,996 --> 00:11:28,196 Speaker 3: depending on the direction you lean, what would it look 211 00:11:28,276 --> 00:11:31,076 Speaker 3: like to grow in the other direction? Because what we 212 00:11:31,116 --> 00:11:33,636 Speaker 3: don't want is just one parent offering all the support, 213 00:11:33,716 --> 00:11:34,876 Speaker 3: one offering all the challenge. 214 00:11:34,956 --> 00:11:36,676 Speaker 5: Kids need equal parts from both. 215 00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:40,636 Speaker 3: And so how does it look to grow the part 216 00:11:40,716 --> 00:11:43,596 Speaker 3: that's less developed in you in the exact same ways 217 00:11:43,596 --> 00:11:45,076 Speaker 3: we want to grow things in our kids. 218 00:11:45,836 --> 00:11:49,596 Speaker 1: Wow, that is just replay that over and over friends 219 00:11:50,996 --> 00:11:54,516 Speaker 1: support or challenge and learn how to do the other better. 220 00:11:54,716 --> 00:11:57,236 Speaker 1: That is so good. In the book, you have this 221 00:11:57,276 --> 00:12:00,876 Speaker 1: little chart of a self fulfilling circle. So just kind 222 00:12:00,876 --> 00:12:03,196 Speaker 1: of picture in your mind, listener, you know, like a 223 00:12:03,196 --> 00:12:05,196 Speaker 1: little circle. The first point is I don't know what 224 00:12:05,276 --> 00:12:07,396 Speaker 1: to do. I mean, how many of us have been there? 225 00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:10,196 Speaker 1: And then we go to the arrow ask the expert, 226 00:12:10,476 --> 00:12:12,836 Speaker 1: which right now is some online and then in the 227 00:12:12,956 --> 00:12:16,196 Speaker 1: very near future we'll just be like, hello, AI, companion, 228 00:12:16,556 --> 00:12:19,396 Speaker 1: please tell me what to do, and then the expert 229 00:12:19,556 --> 00:12:21,916 Speaker 1: will give you an answer. You'll do it, and you'll 230 00:12:21,956 --> 00:12:24,156 Speaker 1: be like, wow, I guess I don't know what I'm doing. 231 00:12:24,196 --> 00:12:26,476 Speaker 1: I must always ask the expert. I will keep asking 232 00:12:26,516 --> 00:12:28,396 Speaker 1: the expert, and we're going to be going around this 233 00:12:29,036 --> 00:12:32,316 Speaker 1: really bad circle of very like the opposite of wisdom 234 00:12:32,836 --> 00:12:36,596 Speaker 1: and using our own resources as a parent outsourcing all 235 00:12:36,676 --> 00:12:39,676 Speaker 1: that talk about how we need to get out of 236 00:12:39,716 --> 00:12:43,156 Speaker 1: that cycle and why maybe on a grandparent, like on 237 00:12:43,236 --> 00:12:46,156 Speaker 1: a person of or our own mother or our own father, 238 00:12:46,756 --> 00:12:50,436 Speaker 1: you know, and ask from God instead of asking these 239 00:12:50,516 --> 00:12:53,316 Speaker 1: quote unquote experts and questioning ourselves. 240 00:12:54,596 --> 00:12:57,236 Speaker 2: Yeah, so we talk in the book about you know, 241 00:12:57,356 --> 00:13:00,076 Speaker 2: having done this work now thirty plus years, we've seen 242 00:13:00,116 --> 00:13:02,036 Speaker 2: a lot of shifts in the world of parenting, and 243 00:13:02,356 --> 00:13:05,036 Speaker 2: we talk about them being swings and extremes and how 244 00:13:05,356 --> 00:13:07,956 Speaker 2: really most of the time every correction is an over 245 00:13:08,036 --> 00:13:11,916 Speaker 2: correction and where we have landed. We were seeing this 246 00:13:11,996 --> 00:13:15,396 Speaker 2: as we talked about movement into a lot of anxiety 247 00:13:15,436 --> 00:13:19,356 Speaker 2: and parents, and it feels like now the answer has 248 00:13:19,436 --> 00:13:23,916 Speaker 2: become the experts. And Arlene, with your story, I have 249 00:13:24,036 --> 00:13:27,076 Speaker 2: heard my first parent about a month ago said they 250 00:13:27,076 --> 00:13:29,756 Speaker 2: were at a family gathering and her fourteen year old 251 00:13:29,796 --> 00:13:33,796 Speaker 2: daughter started being really disrespectful and she was humiliated and 252 00:13:33,836 --> 00:13:36,716 Speaker 2: in tears, and she went into the bathroom and got 253 00:13:36,756 --> 00:13:40,476 Speaker 2: on she said, my favorite parenting app and asked the chatbot, 254 00:13:40,796 --> 00:13:44,476 Speaker 2: what do I do with a teenager who's disrespectful? And 255 00:13:45,236 --> 00:13:49,756 Speaker 2: what happens anytime we default to experts Exactly like you said, 256 00:13:49,836 --> 00:13:52,316 Speaker 2: we feel like the next time we need to default 257 00:13:52,316 --> 00:13:55,836 Speaker 2: to experts, we trust them more, we doubt ourselves more 258 00:13:56,356 --> 00:13:57,316 Speaker 2: and instead. 259 00:13:57,636 --> 00:13:59,756 Speaker 4: I love your idea of. 260 00:13:59,956 --> 00:14:03,996 Speaker 2: I think the wisdom of generations before us is so 261 00:14:04,236 --> 00:14:09,076 Speaker 2: important that they have learned so much, and really our 262 00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:12,076 Speaker 2: parents were getting a lot right. When it came to capable, 263 00:14:12,156 --> 00:14:13,836 Speaker 2: there were some things they might have been missing when 264 00:14:13,836 --> 00:14:18,116 Speaker 2: it came to emotional vocabulary, coping strategies. Things didn't have 265 00:14:18,116 --> 00:14:21,876 Speaker 2: the chart on the roof right exactly, But in terms 266 00:14:21,916 --> 00:14:24,476 Speaker 2: of helping us learn to be capable, they were doing great. 267 00:14:24,556 --> 00:14:27,236 Speaker 2: And so there is some real wisdom in going to 268 00:14:27,276 --> 00:14:33,076 Speaker 2: those folks and trusting that you are the only expert 269 00:14:33,356 --> 00:14:37,156 Speaker 2: regarding your child. God has given you this profound gift 270 00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:42,396 Speaker 2: of intuition. And as a therapist, I pray every single 271 00:14:42,476 --> 00:14:45,476 Speaker 2: day that the Holy Spirit would inform my intuition. 272 00:14:46,036 --> 00:14:46,996 Speaker 4: And I think that's. 273 00:14:46,796 --> 00:14:50,556 Speaker 2: A beautiful prayer to pray as a parent as well, that. 274 00:14:50,476 --> 00:14:52,236 Speaker 4: God would continue to lead you. 275 00:14:52,396 --> 00:14:54,756 Speaker 2: And as David talked about, and I think we talked 276 00:14:54,756 --> 00:14:55,916 Speaker 2: about in the seminar. 277 00:14:55,556 --> 00:14:57,716 Speaker 4: At your church, we've got a quiet the voice of 278 00:14:57,756 --> 00:15:00,076 Speaker 4: our own worries sometimes to hear the voice of God. 279 00:15:00,596 --> 00:15:03,556 Speaker 2: And so again we're circled right back to we've got 280 00:15:03,556 --> 00:15:07,196 Speaker 2: to your own work to trust ourselves more than the experts, 281 00:15:07,236 --> 00:15:10,436 Speaker 2: because in truth, the experts don't know your kids. And 282 00:15:10,636 --> 00:15:13,516 Speaker 2: here we're all presenting ourselves in that space and we 283 00:15:13,556 --> 00:15:16,436 Speaker 2: would all hope we're being helpful, But you still know 284 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:17,836 Speaker 2: your kids better than anyone else. 285 00:15:18,036 --> 00:15:21,796 Speaker 1: Yeah, about the role of faith. You know you think 286 00:15:21,876 --> 00:15:24,356 Speaker 1: you talk, we talk about bringing God into all of 287 00:15:24,356 --> 00:15:27,396 Speaker 1: this Ephesians three twenty. Now to him who is able 288 00:15:27,476 --> 00:15:31,236 Speaker 1: to do a measurably more than we ask or imagine, 289 00:15:31,276 --> 00:15:35,516 Speaker 1: according to His power at work within us, How can 290 00:15:35,556 --> 00:15:38,436 Speaker 1: we as parents grow in faith ourselves like this right? 291 00:15:38,476 --> 00:15:42,196 Speaker 1: Because we have everything we need a measurably more and 292 00:15:42,236 --> 00:15:44,116 Speaker 1: with the power of the Holy Spirit working in us 293 00:15:44,116 --> 00:15:46,476 Speaker 1: so a how can we get that more as parents? 294 00:15:46,476 --> 00:15:48,516 Speaker 1: And then be how can we teach our kids to 295 00:15:48,516 --> 00:15:49,036 Speaker 1: do the same? 296 00:15:50,436 --> 00:15:52,676 Speaker 5: A great question, you know, Arley. 297 00:15:52,796 --> 00:15:55,756 Speaker 3: My first thought, even linking the last question to this 298 00:15:55,796 --> 00:16:01,196 Speaker 3: one is, let's just as people sit in the reality 299 00:16:01,276 --> 00:16:06,076 Speaker 3: of how often we're tempted to engage a chatbot over 300 00:16:06,956 --> 00:16:09,436 Speaker 3: the voice of our creator, Like just let's just sit 301 00:16:09,556 --> 00:16:13,116 Speaker 3: right there as our starting point, Like what an unwise move. 302 00:16:13,236 --> 00:16:15,476 Speaker 3: And we've all been guilty. I'm not pointing the finger 303 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:19,676 Speaker 3: at anybody but myself. So let's be so by that 304 00:16:19,756 --> 00:16:25,116 Speaker 3: thaw first, and I think challenged to let the highest 305 00:16:25,156 --> 00:16:28,796 Speaker 3: priority for every one of us be anchoring ourselves to 306 00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:33,356 Speaker 3: that relationship and the truth of God. And I love 307 00:16:33,556 --> 00:16:38,316 Speaker 3: our collective dear friend. Justin Whitmill early just talks about 308 00:16:38,356 --> 00:16:40,836 Speaker 3: what if you just began your day every day the 309 00:16:40,836 --> 00:16:43,716 Speaker 3: first thirty minutes without a device anywhere near. And I've 310 00:16:43,716 --> 00:16:47,476 Speaker 3: been practicing that habit and noticing how that centers me, 311 00:16:47,636 --> 00:16:48,996 Speaker 3: Like I don't want to look at it. I don't 312 00:16:48,996 --> 00:16:51,116 Speaker 3: want to know how many text are waiting on me, 313 00:16:51,196 --> 00:16:53,916 Speaker 3: how many emails I should respond to, but just I 314 00:16:53,916 --> 00:16:55,916 Speaker 3: don't want to know the news of the world actually, 315 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,676 Speaker 3: like until I've just sat in the presence of God. 316 00:16:58,756 --> 00:17:00,076 Speaker 5: So I would. 317 00:16:59,796 --> 00:17:01,716 Speaker 3: Want to encourage any parent to think about what would 318 00:17:01,756 --> 00:17:04,356 Speaker 3: that practice look like for you, based on whatever season 319 00:17:04,396 --> 00:17:07,756 Speaker 3: of parenting you're in, that before you stepped into all 320 00:17:07,796 --> 00:17:11,636 Speaker 3: the realities of the day, you began with just prioritizing 321 00:17:11,636 --> 00:17:15,275 Speaker 3: that relationship. That I think is the first important step 322 00:17:15,276 --> 00:17:15,955 Speaker 3: in that direction. 323 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,876 Speaker 1: Yeah, and is it interesting? It's what we've been taught 324 00:17:18,916 --> 00:17:21,436 Speaker 1: talking about. Like I don't want to be capable, like 325 00:17:21,596 --> 00:17:23,715 Speaker 1: to listen to the voice of God is hard. I 326 00:17:23,715 --> 00:17:26,076 Speaker 1: don't want to sit around and have to like maybe 327 00:17:26,116 --> 00:17:29,836 Speaker 1: I'll get rebuked, maybe I'll be corrected, maybe it'll take 328 00:17:29,836 --> 00:17:33,636 Speaker 1: a week to get a nudge of wisdom. But if 329 00:17:33,636 --> 00:17:35,955 Speaker 1: I talk to this AI right, I will get the 330 00:17:35,995 --> 00:17:38,835 Speaker 1: instant answer and I'll probably like what it says because 331 00:17:38,876 --> 00:17:42,436 Speaker 1: it's right. It wants to please me. So it's really 332 00:17:42,755 --> 00:17:46,315 Speaker 1: the whole thing is tied in you write in the 333 00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:50,156 Speaker 1: book recently, the comfort zones of kids seem to be 334 00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:53,796 Speaker 1: getting smaller and smaller, to the point that they can 335 00:17:53,836 --> 00:17:57,356 Speaker 1: be mostly found in a small rectangle called a screen. 336 00:17:57,715 --> 00:18:01,676 Speaker 1: The smarter our world has gotten the dumber, or maybe 337 00:18:01,676 --> 00:18:05,315 Speaker 1: we should say the more dependent we have become, the 338 00:18:05,396 --> 00:18:10,315 Speaker 1: less capable. I love this so much, Like I'm working 339 00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:13,876 Speaker 1: on a book right now, Yes i am. And one 340 00:18:13,955 --> 00:18:17,755 Speaker 1: of the things I'm saying is the smarter the toy, 341 00:18:18,035 --> 00:18:22,796 Speaker 1: the dumber the child. The dumber the toy, the smarter 342 00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:27,636 Speaker 1: the child. Oh yes, right, and so like, because if 343 00:18:27,636 --> 00:18:29,475 Speaker 1: this toy is so smart, why do I have to 344 00:18:29,515 --> 00:18:32,515 Speaker 1: do anything? Right? I talk kind of talk about what 345 00:18:32,515 --> 00:18:35,356 Speaker 1: you've seen with screens and this capable of that connection. 346 00:18:36,876 --> 00:18:41,955 Speaker 2: Yes, significant shifts in kids, and it's part of where 347 00:18:42,916 --> 00:18:46,036 Speaker 2: and really I think the pandemic is when we started 348 00:18:46,035 --> 00:18:48,836 Speaker 2: to see so much shifting in terms of social anxiety 349 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:52,156 Speaker 2: with kids, not only social anxiety but rigidity both, which 350 00:18:52,275 --> 00:18:54,436 Speaker 2: is a whole other issue that we could talk about, 351 00:18:54,475 --> 00:18:58,676 Speaker 2: but that in particular and primarily in my work with girls, 352 00:18:58,836 --> 00:19:01,916 Speaker 2: I mean the amount of girls right now that use 353 00:19:01,995 --> 00:19:06,955 Speaker 2: the word awkward seventeen times per counseling session. Why would 354 00:19:06,955 --> 00:19:09,516 Speaker 2: I text someone, even texting on a screen? Why would 355 00:19:09,515 --> 00:19:11,876 Speaker 2: I text someone I don't know, well, that's awkward. Why 356 00:19:11,876 --> 00:19:12,876 Speaker 2: would I ever. 357 00:19:12,715 --> 00:19:15,036 Speaker 4: Ask someone to hang out with me? That's so awkward? 358 00:19:15,556 --> 00:19:18,275 Speaker 2: Why would I One of my favorite stories in the 359 00:19:18,275 --> 00:19:21,796 Speaker 2: book is a girl who was struggling with some friendships 360 00:19:21,916 --> 00:19:23,476 Speaker 2: and finally. 361 00:19:23,076 --> 00:19:24,955 Speaker 4: Got to a place where she felt like she had. 362 00:19:24,836 --> 00:19:28,075 Speaker 2: Found a group, and she decided for homecoming, which we 363 00:19:28,076 --> 00:19:30,715 Speaker 2: could talk about the pressure involved in homecoming these days too, 364 00:19:30,755 --> 00:19:33,676 Speaker 2: But she decided she was going to have everybody over 365 00:19:33,715 --> 00:19:36,275 Speaker 2: to her house to get ready, and there were a 366 00:19:36,316 --> 00:19:38,075 Speaker 2: couple of girls who didn't have anywhere to go, and 367 00:19:38,116 --> 00:19:40,596 Speaker 2: her mom started trying to encourage her to invite them, 368 00:19:40,955 --> 00:19:44,835 Speaker 2: and she said, that's so awkward. And her mom said, honey, 369 00:19:44,836 --> 00:19:46,995 Speaker 2: you were in the same position about six months ago. 370 00:19:47,356 --> 00:19:50,316 Speaker 2: That's so awkward. Why would I do that? I think 371 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,835 Speaker 2: it'd be a great idea. Back and forth to the 372 00:19:52,916 --> 00:19:55,476 Speaker 2: degree that they landed in my office to talk about it, 373 00:19:55,556 --> 00:19:59,235 Speaker 2: and she was in angry tears at her mom. I 374 00:19:59,235 --> 00:20:01,356 Speaker 2: can't believe you're going to try and make me do this. 375 00:20:01,356 --> 00:20:03,876 Speaker 2: This is no fun and it feels so weird and awkward. 376 00:20:03,995 --> 00:20:06,276 Speaker 2: And her mom said, Arlene. 377 00:20:05,916 --> 00:20:09,116 Speaker 4: Which I loved. She said, my job. 378 00:20:08,995 --> 00:20:12,156 Speaker 2: Is not to make you comfortable and have fun and 379 00:20:12,235 --> 00:20:16,275 Speaker 2: be happy. My job is to develop your character and 380 00:20:16,436 --> 00:20:18,715 Speaker 2: help you understand. 381 00:20:18,156 --> 00:20:20,356 Speaker 4: How capable you truly are. 382 00:20:20,755 --> 00:20:23,516 Speaker 2: Yes, And she made her invite the girls, and I'm 383 00:20:23,596 --> 00:20:24,475 Speaker 2: so grateful. 384 00:20:24,596 --> 00:20:25,636 Speaker 4: But that's part of it. 385 00:20:25,715 --> 00:20:30,315 Speaker 2: We're watching everything happen scrolling through and we don't know 386 00:20:30,356 --> 00:20:31,876 Speaker 2: how to engage any longer. 387 00:20:31,916 --> 00:20:34,196 Speaker 4: We don't know how to care for others any longer. 388 00:20:34,396 --> 00:20:37,636 Speaker 1: Right. Yeah, what is that rigidity that you spoke. 389 00:20:37,356 --> 00:20:42,436 Speaker 2: About, Well, we're seeing it happen in I mean in 390 00:20:42,556 --> 00:20:46,275 Speaker 2: so many different situations, Arlene. But boys in our group 391 00:20:46,316 --> 00:20:48,676 Speaker 2: counseling sessions who don't get to go to the restaurant 392 00:20:48,676 --> 00:20:51,116 Speaker 2: that they thought they that they chose for dinner. 393 00:20:50,836 --> 00:20:53,155 Speaker 4: And they just melt down and lose it. 394 00:20:53,715 --> 00:20:56,315 Speaker 2: Kids who are told no, girls who don't get the 395 00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:59,276 Speaker 2: gift they imagine they might get for their birthday. I mean, 396 00:20:59,316 --> 00:21:02,436 Speaker 2: I think I'm talking to rigidity with eighty percent of 397 00:21:02,596 --> 00:21:05,916 Speaker 2: clients I'm seeing right now. And in the book, we 398 00:21:05,995 --> 00:21:10,276 Speaker 2: have five straints five skills, five strategies that create kind 399 00:21:10,275 --> 00:21:13,035 Speaker 2: of this pyramid of capability and flexibility is one of 400 00:21:13,076 --> 00:21:17,636 Speaker 2: the most foundational strengths because this morning we were about 401 00:21:17,636 --> 00:21:21,316 Speaker 2: to hop on our call and a work truck pulled 402 00:21:21,396 --> 00:21:23,596 Speaker 2: up to my house and I had to leave my house, 403 00:21:23,715 --> 00:21:26,196 Speaker 2: fly to the office, hook up my microphone here, which 404 00:21:26,196 --> 00:21:29,396 Speaker 2: I never do. You know, flexibility has been required of 405 00:21:29,436 --> 00:21:31,196 Speaker 2: every one of us four times. 406 00:21:30,876 --> 00:21:33,075 Speaker 4: Today already and will be kids. 407 00:21:33,196 --> 00:21:36,676 Speaker 2: And this rigidity is all about control, which is a 408 00:21:36,715 --> 00:21:39,156 Speaker 2: response to the anxiety that we're seeing in them today. 409 00:21:39,196 --> 00:21:41,836 Speaker 4: And so we've got to do something different to prepare them. 410 00:21:41,876 --> 00:21:45,876 Speaker 2: And David and our parenting seminars talks about So we 411 00:21:45,955 --> 00:21:49,796 Speaker 2: want you to go home and tonight everybody shift one 412 00:21:49,836 --> 00:21:53,035 Speaker 2: seat to the left at the dinner table, and every 413 00:21:53,076 --> 00:21:57,235 Speaker 2: person in the room strict, you know, especially thinking about their. 414 00:21:57,156 --> 00:21:58,795 Speaker 4: Oldest child, strict event. 415 00:21:59,475 --> 00:22:02,356 Speaker 2: And at the same time, we've got to teach kids 416 00:22:02,475 --> 00:22:05,476 Speaker 2: how to live with flexibility as well as all these 417 00:22:05,515 --> 00:22:06,876 Speaker 2: other ideas we're talking about. 418 00:22:07,515 --> 00:22:10,396 Speaker 1: It's almost doing. I mean, obviously enough will happen in 419 00:22:10,436 --> 00:22:13,715 Speaker 1: normal life, and instead of making that go away, just 420 00:22:13,796 --> 00:22:16,795 Speaker 1: let it happen, ye, or you can even make yourself 421 00:22:17,156 --> 00:22:19,475 Speaker 1: them do things they don't want on purpose. Like you, 422 00:22:19,955 --> 00:22:21,795 Speaker 1: I have to teach you to be flexible. So I 423 00:22:21,836 --> 00:22:24,035 Speaker 1: need you to wake up an hour early on Saturday 424 00:22:24,436 --> 00:22:26,795 Speaker 1: and go with me on this errand and just to 425 00:22:26,876 --> 00:22:30,035 Speaker 1: teach them, I have to learn how to be flexible. David, 426 00:22:30,076 --> 00:22:33,716 Speaker 1: there are three c's that can help us through. Can 427 00:22:33,755 --> 00:22:35,876 Speaker 1: you give us kind of the overview? And obviously, people, 428 00:22:35,955 --> 00:22:37,676 Speaker 1: you need to get this book capable so you get 429 00:22:37,676 --> 00:22:39,235 Speaker 1: deeper in this and you can see the pyramid that 430 00:22:39,275 --> 00:22:41,355 Speaker 1: Sissy talked about. But what are those three s's. 431 00:22:42,196 --> 00:22:45,676 Speaker 3: The three c's are connected to our definition and the 432 00:22:45,676 --> 00:22:48,916 Speaker 3: book of capable, which is that capable kids have practiced 433 00:22:48,995 --> 00:22:52,956 Speaker 3: coping and learned competence for life's challenges. And the very 434 00:22:52,995 --> 00:22:55,956 Speaker 3: story Sissy just shared is a perfect example. She got 435 00:22:55,955 --> 00:22:57,036 Speaker 3: to practice. 436 00:22:56,596 --> 00:22:57,436 Speaker 5: All three today. 437 00:22:57,676 --> 00:23:01,035 Speaker 3: She had practice coping when she got a curveball. She 438 00:23:01,076 --> 00:23:03,196 Speaker 3: had to develop competence. How do I work my way 439 00:23:03,196 --> 00:23:05,955 Speaker 3: through solving this problem because it was a challenge, an 440 00:23:06,035 --> 00:23:11,516 Speaker 3: unexpected challenge that required that flexibility. And so again back 441 00:23:11,556 --> 00:23:13,556 Speaker 3: to our challenge of the long game. If we are 442 00:23:13,596 --> 00:23:16,196 Speaker 3: thinking that, you know, Sissy, I won't say our age 443 00:23:16,356 --> 00:23:18,315 Speaker 3: out loud, but let's just say when our kids are 444 00:23:18,356 --> 00:23:22,316 Speaker 3: in adulthood, you know that they're going to be flexing 445 00:23:22,356 --> 00:23:23,676 Speaker 3: these muscles right and left. 446 00:23:23,715 --> 00:23:26,356 Speaker 5: So how can I develop these muscles in the right now. 447 00:23:26,396 --> 00:23:28,555 Speaker 3: And one of the things, Arlene, we did in the 448 00:23:28,596 --> 00:23:31,155 Speaker 3: book that we hope is a really fun way we 449 00:23:31,196 --> 00:23:33,796 Speaker 3: believe it will be of learning, is we put in 450 00:23:33,836 --> 00:23:38,515 Speaker 3: a hundred what we call capable building exercises and things 451 00:23:38,515 --> 00:23:40,795 Speaker 3: that families can do together and in. 452 00:23:40,715 --> 00:23:44,036 Speaker 5: The every day that we think will be these really. 453 00:23:43,836 --> 00:23:47,316 Speaker 3: Fun and great family experiments to flex and develop these muscles. 454 00:23:48,076 --> 00:23:50,556 Speaker 1: You're gonna have all these capable kids coming out of it. Okay, 455 00:23:50,596 --> 00:23:52,596 Speaker 1: let's do a little role playing. So I'm going to 456 00:23:52,636 --> 00:23:54,275 Speaker 1: be the kid, you're going to be the parent. 457 00:23:55,156 --> 00:23:56,676 Speaker 4: I don't want to go to school today. 458 00:23:56,876 --> 00:23:59,235 Speaker 1: I don't feel like it. Everybody's mean to me. I 459 00:23:59,275 --> 00:24:01,196 Speaker 1: don't want to go. I think it's useless. 460 00:24:03,676 --> 00:24:06,715 Speaker 2: I can't wait to hear your stories of all the 461 00:24:06,796 --> 00:24:08,396 Speaker 2: adventure you find today at school. 462 00:24:10,116 --> 00:24:11,715 Speaker 4: All right, and we take them and drop them off. 463 00:24:12,275 --> 00:24:15,196 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's true that you don't have to have maybe 464 00:24:15,196 --> 00:24:18,356 Speaker 1: this big love conversation like Okay, that's nice, you're gonna 465 00:24:18,356 --> 00:24:21,235 Speaker 1: go end buy I don't want to go to summer camp. 466 00:24:22,955 --> 00:24:26,036 Speaker 3: It's scary to do brand new things. I am so grateful. 467 00:24:26,275 --> 00:24:28,555 Speaker 3: I'm so grateful you're as brave as you are. I 468 00:24:28,596 --> 00:24:30,436 Speaker 3: can't wait to hear the stories. On the other side, 469 00:24:31,916 --> 00:24:33,196 Speaker 3: I want to move schools. 470 00:24:35,916 --> 00:24:38,596 Speaker 2: I am so sad that school has been so hard 471 00:24:38,596 --> 00:24:41,196 Speaker 2: for you this year. And the thing about moving schools 472 00:24:41,396 --> 00:24:45,715 Speaker 2: is you move with the school, and so often things 473 00:24:45,715 --> 00:24:48,436 Speaker 2: are the same at different schools. So let's figure out 474 00:24:48,436 --> 00:24:50,355 Speaker 2: what we can do to make where you are a 475 00:24:50,396 --> 00:24:52,835 Speaker 2: better place. And I can't wait to see what you 476 00:24:52,916 --> 00:24:53,436 Speaker 2: figure out. 477 00:24:54,876 --> 00:24:56,835 Speaker 1: I love this seat. Look how easy this is. Guys, 478 00:24:59,116 --> 00:25:00,996 Speaker 1: get the book and you'll get more of these kinds 479 00:25:01,035 --> 00:25:04,755 Speaker 1: of things. Okay, the last thing, David, you write in 480 00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:06,635 Speaker 1: the book. You guys write in the book about your 481 00:25:06,676 --> 00:25:09,996 Speaker 1: friend who they gave their child. You know, they got 482 00:25:09,995 --> 00:25:12,235 Speaker 1: the driver's license and they said if we ever, if 483 00:25:12,275 --> 00:25:15,475 Speaker 1: you're ever drinking while driving, we will sell your car. 484 00:25:16,156 --> 00:25:16,796 Speaker 1: What happened? 485 00:25:17,755 --> 00:25:21,356 Speaker 3: You know, it's fascinating to me, Arlene. In three decades 486 00:25:21,356 --> 00:25:25,116 Speaker 3: of doing this work, I have heard hundreds of parents 487 00:25:25,596 --> 00:25:28,235 Speaker 3: say that, or threaten that, or write that into a 488 00:25:28,356 --> 00:25:32,595 Speaker 3: driving contract. I have only known three parents who actually 489 00:25:32,596 --> 00:25:36,076 Speaker 3: did it. In fact, one of those is a dear 490 00:25:36,116 --> 00:25:39,235 Speaker 3: friend and colleague of both of ours, who's an amazing man, 491 00:25:39,316 --> 00:25:41,436 Speaker 3: an amazing therapist, and an amazing father, and. 492 00:25:42,955 --> 00:25:44,995 Speaker 5: Drove his son to the dealership. 493 00:25:45,556 --> 00:25:48,795 Speaker 3: He experimented with alcohol, was very clear they'd done a 494 00:25:48,836 --> 00:25:50,755 Speaker 3: contract and drove a son to the dealership, and so 495 00:25:50,796 --> 00:25:52,755 Speaker 3: he was a part of the process of selling the 496 00:25:52,796 --> 00:25:56,315 Speaker 3: car back. Took over a year to earn enough money 497 00:25:56,596 --> 00:26:00,396 Speaker 3: to buy a used car again, and that young man 498 00:26:00,515 --> 00:26:02,755 Speaker 3: is now an adult man and father himself, and he's 499 00:26:03,156 --> 00:26:06,236 Speaker 3: a remarkable human because I think he had two parents 500 00:26:06,275 --> 00:26:10,676 Speaker 3: who all throughout his growth and development were not prioritizing 501 00:26:10,715 --> 00:26:14,556 Speaker 3: happiness but prioritizing well being over everything, so that they 502 00:26:14,955 --> 00:26:16,555 Speaker 3: had to make a lot of hard decisions in the 503 00:26:16,596 --> 00:26:20,396 Speaker 3: moments when he was moving in different directions. And I 504 00:26:20,436 --> 00:26:22,836 Speaker 3: want to challenge every parent hearing that story to think 505 00:26:23,475 --> 00:26:25,436 Speaker 3: about how much of a hassle that was for the 506 00:26:25,475 --> 00:26:28,315 Speaker 3: two of them, Like it's really for all the scary 507 00:26:28,356 --> 00:26:30,955 Speaker 3: things about our kids driving, it's a nice convenience when 508 00:26:30,995 --> 00:26:33,036 Speaker 3: they drive themselves to places. So they kind of went 509 00:26:33,116 --> 00:26:35,715 Speaker 3: right back to square one, but were willing to take 510 00:26:35,796 --> 00:26:38,916 Speaker 3: on the extra of that learning for the sake of 511 00:26:38,955 --> 00:26:43,995 Speaker 3: his growth and good which has translated to a remarkable 512 00:26:44,035 --> 00:26:44,755 Speaker 3: young man. 513 00:26:44,636 --> 00:26:47,116 Speaker 5: Who has a lot of capability about him. 514 00:26:47,715 --> 00:26:49,676 Speaker 1: I love that story because it's kind of a capstone 515 00:26:49,715 --> 00:26:51,676 Speaker 1: story that here's your child, kind of at the end 516 00:26:51,796 --> 00:26:54,035 Speaker 1: of that child rearing and then that big lesson and 517 00:26:54,076 --> 00:26:56,755 Speaker 1: being willing to take it, take the hit for the lesson. 518 00:26:57,556 --> 00:27:00,475 Speaker 1: I was in Costco yesterday and I told Lucy my 519 00:27:00,556 --> 00:27:02,636 Speaker 1: heart was just so broken, and I don't mean it 520 00:27:02,755 --> 00:27:05,596 Speaker 1: in judgment. There were these cute little twin girls, they're 521 00:27:05,596 --> 00:27:10,235 Speaker 1: probably four years old, matching crocs, matching outfits, matching pink 522 00:27:10,396 --> 00:27:13,636 Speaker 1: and purple iPads, and their eyes were just glued to 523 00:27:13,636 --> 00:27:15,876 Speaker 1: the screen and they just did not move the entire 524 00:27:15,916 --> 00:27:19,836 Speaker 1: time I saw them, And I thought, this is capable starts, 525 00:27:19,916 --> 00:27:23,036 Speaker 1: really early. Capable starts with you are capable to sit 526 00:27:23,076 --> 00:27:26,235 Speaker 1: in this cart and to talk to me and to 527 00:27:26,275 --> 00:27:27,835 Speaker 1: be a little bit bored, and for me to be 528 00:27:27,876 --> 00:27:30,275 Speaker 1: a little inconvenience, and for us to talk about the 529 00:27:30,275 --> 00:27:33,436 Speaker 1: colors in the grocery store, because, believe me, without the tablet, 530 00:27:33,836 --> 00:27:35,795 Speaker 1: if they never had the tablet, there'd be tons of 531 00:27:35,876 --> 00:27:40,075 Speaker 1: things to do and to look at inside of a store. So, friends, 532 00:27:40,076 --> 00:27:42,636 Speaker 1: as you're listening, whether I have a teenager or a toddler. 533 00:27:43,035 --> 00:27:46,556 Speaker 1: This capable starts. It starts today. You can start this today. 534 00:27:47,076 --> 00:27:49,636 Speaker 1: So see any words that you you know, like a 535 00:27:49,715 --> 00:27:52,035 Speaker 1: key takeaway that you want to leave us with, and 536 00:27:52,076 --> 00:27:53,995 Speaker 1: then let us know how to find out more about 537 00:27:54,035 --> 00:27:54,876 Speaker 1: you in this book. 538 00:27:55,636 --> 00:27:57,995 Speaker 2: I just was thinking my key takeaway is I'm so 539 00:27:58,156 --> 00:28:01,315 Speaker 2: grateful for you. I'm so grateful for the truth and 540 00:28:01,356 --> 00:28:04,156 Speaker 2: the hope and the light that you are in this world, 541 00:28:04,235 --> 00:28:07,275 Speaker 2: and honored to get to partner alongside you. 542 00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:09,396 Speaker 4: That's my key takeaway. 543 00:28:08,676 --> 00:28:12,836 Speaker 2: And hopefully the book will help anybody that's listening, for sure, 544 00:28:13,515 --> 00:28:16,595 Speaker 2: and to find us. Raisinboys and Girls dot com is 545 00:28:16,636 --> 00:28:19,116 Speaker 2: where we have all the things, and we try to 546 00:28:19,156 --> 00:28:21,756 Speaker 2: be as helpful on Instagram as possible at raising boys 547 00:28:21,755 --> 00:28:23,475 Speaker 2: and Girls and at Sissy GoF both. 548 00:28:24,436 --> 00:28:27,436 Speaker 1: So awesome. Thank you David, Thank you Sissy. We love 549 00:28:27,556 --> 00:28:33,076 Speaker 1: you and love you guys. I hope you've enjoyed today's conversation. 550 00:28:33,475 --> 00:28:35,955 Speaker 1: I'd love to keep in touch beyond this podcast. 551 00:28:36,356 --> 00:28:37,796 Speaker 4: Click subscribe in the. 552 00:28:37,715 --> 00:28:40,436 Speaker 1: Show notes and I will give you my latest email 553 00:28:40,516 --> 00:28:43,916 Speaker 1: to keep up on what's happening with technology and kids. 554 00:28:44,396 --> 00:28:46,196 Speaker 4: And maybe you like reading. 555 00:28:46,036 --> 00:28:48,396 Speaker 1: Or listening to books. I have a lot of books. 556 00:28:48,476 --> 00:28:52,036 Speaker 1: You could start with the Big Three, Making Marriage Easier, 557 00:28:52,556 --> 00:28:56,396 Speaker 1: Parents Rising, or screen Kids. A big thank you to 558 00:28:56,476 --> 00:28:58,956 Speaker 1: the team at life Audio for their partnership with the 559 00:28:58,996 --> 00:29:02,916 Speaker 1: Happy Home podcast. Check out lifeaudio dot com for dozens 560 00:29:02,956 --> 00:29:07,236 Speaker 1: of other faith related podcasts about prayer, Bible study, and more. 561 00:29:07,876 --> 00:29:10,796 Speaker 1: Remember you don't have to come from a happy home 562 00:29:10,916 --> 00:29:14,236 Speaker 1: to create one. You too, can have a happy home.