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Speaker 1: Life Audio.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to this Christmas episode of the team Less podcast,

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Speaker 2: where we share how crase, commitment and cooperation can help

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Speaker 2: couples live the everyday moments of marriage together. Hey everyone, we're.

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Speaker 1: Ted and Dashley Slater.

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Speaker 3: We don't have to be scrooges to benefit from reflecting

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Speaker 3: on Christmas, past, present and future. Today, we talk about

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Speaker 3: how looking back, living now, and planning ahead together can

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Speaker 3: enrich our marriages. So I learned an interesting Christmas marriage

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Speaker 3: fact recently.

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Speaker 2: Oh, I love interesting Christmas marriage facts.

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Speaker 3: So apparently back in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, there

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Speaker 3: were a lot of Christmas Day weddings.

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Speaker 2: Okay, like where like in Europe? America's that's a good question.

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Speaker 1: I'm guessing in Europe.

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Speaker 2: Okay.

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Speaker 3: Apparently I didn't do my research well enough because I

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Speaker 3: didn't expect that question. But Christmas Day, well, Christmas Day

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Speaker 3: weddings usually happened out of necessity. It wasn't like this

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Speaker 3: romanticized festive thing. I was doing a little research, okay,

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Speaker 3: And according to a site called find My Past, My Past,

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Speaker 3: Christmas and Boxing Day were often the only days of

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Speaker 3: the year that young working class couples were guaranteed to

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Speaker 3: get off work. Even Charles Dickens Ebenezer Scrooge was forced

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Speaker 3: to reluctantly give his long suffering clerk Bob Cratchett the

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Speaker 3: day off in the opening chapter of A Christmas Carol.

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Speaker 2: Interesting, I know boxing day is a thing. I thought

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Speaker 2: it was only Canada, but that's a europe thing as well,

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Speaker 2: like in the UK.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. All these questions that I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to have to go back and read.

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Speaker 2: I know, I think our listeners I probably can do

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Speaker 2: some research too.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and America is much younger than Europe, so maybe

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Speaker 3: this is Europe.

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Speaker 2: Not according to her native American brothers and sisters.

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Speaker 1: Yes, you're.

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Speaker 2: I'm a drink.

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Speaker 1: Wow, I feel really just trying to throw me off today.

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Speaker 3: All right, Well, this article said that in the eighteen hundred's,

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Speaker 3: most people worked six days a week, and they didn't

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Speaker 3: get vacation days back then, so if they took a

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Speaker 3: day off, they didn't get paid, and most people couldn't

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Speaker 3: afford to do that. So it wasn't until improved working

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Speaker 3: conditions and employee rights also improved with trade unions, that

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Speaker 3: in the twentieth century this tradition became less common that's interesting, right,

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Speaker 3: it is.

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Speaker 2: Christmas is multifaceted celebration of celebration.

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Speaker 3: Yes, And once we're done recording, I will go reread

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Speaker 3: those articles in full and let you know if it

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Speaker 3: was Europe America where this was, Oh that's cool, where

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Speaker 3: this was happening. Okay, So we didn't get married on

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Speaker 3: Christmas Day, but it was pretty close close yep, so

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Speaker 3: December twenty first, and looking back, I mean, I guess

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Speaker 3: it was kind of getting married over the holidays was

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Speaker 3: somewhat of a necessity for us.

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Speaker 2: We had the week free, right, it was between.

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Speaker 3: Semesters, right, Like I still remember our date picking conversation.

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Speaker 3: We got engaged in August, and I think you originally

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Speaker 3: wanted to get married around Valentine's.

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Speaker 2: Day, right, But we didn't have like a big days

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Speaker 2: off then for you to be able.

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Speaker 3: To do that, right, Right. I was in grad school

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Speaker 3: at the time, and right, and I wanted to get

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Speaker 3: married over the breaks. So we talked about either waiting

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Speaker 3: till the following summer.

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Speaker 2: You are couldn't You were like so into me, You're like, no,

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Speaker 2: I can't wait that long and let's taste your lips.

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Speaker 3: Or being adventurous and planning a wedding in like three months,

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Speaker 3: which is what we ended up doing, yep, three months. Well,

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Speaker 3: today we are talking about how we don't have to

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Speaker 3: be scrooges to benefit from reflecting on Christmas past, present,

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Speaker 3: and future.

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Speaker 1: So after a short.

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Speaker 3: Break, we'll talk about how looking back, living now, and

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Speaker 3: planning ahead can benefit our marriages. So today we're talking

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Speaker 3: about how looking at Christmas is past, present, and future,

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Speaker 3: you know, kind of like scrooged it as a couple

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Speaker 3: can enrich our relationships. So let's talk about looking back first.

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Speaker 2: I'm looking forward to it.

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Speaker 3: Nicely, and there you go. So nostalgia often happens when

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Speaker 3: we look back, especially at the holidays. And I have

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Speaker 3: to put a little tangent in here that's not in

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Speaker 3: my script, which is whenever I think of a nostalgia now,

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Speaker 3: I think of inside out too. How all the emotions

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Speaker 3: are in her head and nostalgia comes in and they said, no,

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Speaker 3: we're not ready for you yet, and she has to

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Speaker 3: leave because Riley's not old enough for a nostalgia.

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Speaker 2: That's yea.

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Speaker 3: I am definitely old enough for a nostalgia. But I

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Speaker 3: read an article on nostalgia which I'll include a link

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Speaker 3: to in the show notes, and in it, the author

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Speaker 3: explains that the term nostalgia was coined back in the

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Speaker 3: seventeenth century by Johannes Hoffer, who published a paper on it.

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Speaker 1: So do you know what the word means? Broken down?

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Speaker 2: You know what's fascinating because I have no idea. Usually

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Speaker 2: I'd be able to figure something out, but nostalgia, I

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Speaker 2: have no idea.

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Speaker 1: Really, because you're normally good at this, I know.

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Speaker 2: But it's like, I don't see any Latin sort of

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Speaker 2: roots in that word nostalgia. No, what does it mean?

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Speaker 3: Okay, Well, it's the combining of two Greek words, Greek

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Speaker 3: gnostis and algos.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I know gnostis like from agnostic.

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Speaker 3: Well, I guess in English it translates to homecoming.

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Speaker 2: And pain, pain and homecoming.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. And according to Hoffer, nostalgia was a physical condition

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Speaker 3: that showed itself as a debilitating homesickness, but with time

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Speaker 3: it became more of like a psychological disorder that kept

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Speaker 3: people stuck like instead of you know, stuck in the past,

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Speaker 3: instead of flourishing in the here and now. Wow, So

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Speaker 3: it seems like it was more of a negative concept.

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Speaker 1: But in my reading, I found that that's no longer

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Speaker 1: the case.

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Speaker 2: Right, It's sort of a wistful recollection of good experiences

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Speaker 2: that tugs at your heart, Right, is right?

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Speaker 3: I mean that's what I think of I mean, Okay,

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Speaker 3: So I read an interview that the American Psychological Association

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Speaker 3: did with doctor Christine Bacco, who's a nostalgia expert, and

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Speaker 3: she shared that holiday reminiscing can have psychological benefits. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: she found in her research the nostalgic reminiscing it can

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Speaker 3: help us maintain a sense of continuity as things continue

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Speaker 3: to change with time. It can be reassuring because it

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Speaker 3: helps us realize how much joy, hard work, success, and

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Speaker 3: excitement we've experienced in our lives. And it can help

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Speaker 3: us even when things are difficult, because looking back at

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Speaker 3: the past reminds us that we've survived and come through

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Speaker 3: things before and we can do that again.

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Speaker 2: So are we looking back like we've been married twenty

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Speaker 2: something years, so we were looking back at our Christmas

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Speaker 2: celebrations with nostalgia, or when we're kids and growing up

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Speaker 2: with our families as younger kids, the nostalgia of that

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Speaker 2: those Christmases or what are we doing well?

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Speaker 3: I think as couples, we can look back or get

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Speaker 3: nostalgic about Christmas as we spent together because it's an

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Speaker 3: opportunity for us to remember and reflect on like shared

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Speaker 3: history and shared memories, you know, be grateful for joy

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Speaker 3: we've experienced through the holidays, or how God has brought

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Speaker 3: us through pain hand in hand.

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Speaker 2: We've got some great experiences Christmas.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean for.

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Speaker 3: Us, for us personally, it could be because we got

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Speaker 3: married right around Christmas. It could be looking back and

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Speaker 3: watching our wedding video or looking at our I mean,

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Speaker 3: we spent our first married Christmas Eve at Notre Dame

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Speaker 3: in Paris, at a Christmas Eve service, and you were

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Speaker 3: like falling asleep, stand on so tired, and so it's

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Speaker 3: fun to think back and kind of giggle right at that, right.

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Speaker 2: And then we've had some experiences picking out a tree

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Speaker 2: in the snow and dragging it home and putting it

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Speaker 2: up right.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So I mean we can look back at those

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Speaker 3: things that we've experienced together, and I think in some

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Speaker 3: ways it can bring refresh like renewed or refreshed. Refreshed

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Speaker 3: it's not the right word to this Christmas season because

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Speaker 3: we look back.

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Speaker 1: And go, oh that was fun. Or we did this

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Speaker 1: one year, maybe we should do something similar to that

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Speaker 1: this year.

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Speaker 2: Maybe someday this Christmas's memories will be nostalgic.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's crazy to think about it, right, Yeah. I

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Speaker 3: mean we've spent Christmases where we went to magical dinners.

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Speaker 1: Oh man.

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Speaker 3: When I say Christmas, I'm thinking Christmas season, not just Christmas,

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Speaker 3: even Christmas Day. But we've also had harder Christmases, like

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Speaker 3: the year when you were in Chicago and we were

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Speaker 3: in Colorado and we were right you were working in

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Speaker 3: the beginning probably beginning December, and then we were packing

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Speaker 3: up and moving to Chicago in the middle of the winter.

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Speaker 3: So I mean, that was harder Christmas. But look at us.

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Speaker 3: It's how old our youngest Dorothy, she's thirteen. That was

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Speaker 3: over thirteen years ago, maybe fourteen years ago, and here

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Speaker 3: we are, We're still walking through life hand in hand.

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Speaker 3: So I think that there's power in as a couple

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Speaker 3: looking back at your shared.

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Speaker 1: Christmases and reminiscing about those Yes and amen.

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Speaker 3: You see, I was waiting for a response. So in

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Speaker 3: addition to looking back, we can also be living now

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Speaker 3: in the present as we celebrate Christmas. Okay, and living

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Speaker 3: in the present in any time of the year, I

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Speaker 3: think is always the hardest for me.

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Speaker 1: I have a hard time being present because I'm often.

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Speaker 2: You're such a good planner.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I like to plan ahead.

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Speaker 3: I like to anticipate and look forward to things, and

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Speaker 3: sometimes I spend too much time. Also, I can get

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Speaker 3: stuck reflecting on the past and trying to work out

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Speaker 3: things that haven't made sense to me.

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Speaker 1: Or you know what I mean.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a lot that doesn't make sense.

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Speaker 3: So but as couples, I think that one of the

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Speaker 3: benefits of living in the present is that we're able

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Speaker 3: to give each other in the moment our full attention,

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Speaker 3: like to when we're in the present, we cannot be

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Speaker 3: distracted by what happened last year or what we plan

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Speaker 3: to do next week super important, right, Yeah, And I

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Speaker 3: actually looked up some practical ways we can be present

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Speaker 3: during the holiday season and beyond. Okay, hear this, So one,

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Speaker 3: put the phone away now for us. You're looking at me, like,

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Speaker 3: what now for us? You? Yeah, and you're on call

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Speaker 3: pretty much twenty four seven with your clients, so you

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Speaker 3: need to have your phone nearby. But say we're in

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Speaker 3: the living room, admiring the Christmas tree and listening to

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Speaker 3: Christmas music together. Your phone could be in the kitchen

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Speaker 3: with a ringer on. Yeah, and then you can still

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Speaker 3: get it if someone needs to contact you, but it's

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Speaker 3: not right there to grab when maybe we hit a

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Speaker 3: moment of silence or I don't know.

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Speaker 2: You get practical, that's super okay.

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Speaker 3: Practice active listening. That's another way to be present.

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Speaker 2: Yes, So, what I'm hearing you say is I should

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Speaker 2: actively listen.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. And an article from the Harvard Business Review by

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Speaker 3: Amy Gallo defines active lists as when you not only

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Speaker 3: hear what someone is saying, but also attuned to their

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Speaker 3: thoughts and feelings. It turns a conversation into an active,

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Speaker 3: non competitive, two way interaction.

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Speaker 2: Right yeah. I think it can get kind of easy

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Speaker 2: to be in a conversation where you're listening but also

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Speaker 2: formulating what you're going to say in response, rather than

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Speaker 2: being fully present and listening.

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Speaker 1: Right, yeah, that's what I'm hearing you say there, Yes,

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Speaker 1: nicely done. There.

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Speaker 3: So the article, which I will add a link to

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Speaker 3: in the show notes, it offers some practical ideas on

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Speaker 3: how to be an active listener in addition to what

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Speaker 3: you were doing which was kind of reflecting, and that

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Speaker 3: what that's called where you listen and you repeat to

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Speaker 3: make sure that you're understanding with the other person.

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Speaker 2: Active listening press. It can be a part of the

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Speaker 2: active listening process, right think.

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Speaker 1: Well, and I actually had that in my notes later,

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Speaker 1: so you just beat me to it.

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Speaker 2: Yes, we shall repeat.

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Speaker 1: Okay.

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Speaker 3: So some practical ideas that were in this article is

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Speaker 3: one to understand your default listening style. Now that that

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Speaker 3: was really interesting. Like I said, I'll have a link

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Speaker 3: in the show notes. Apparently there's a task oriented listener,

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Speaker 3: an analytical listener, a relational listener, and a critical listener.

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Speaker 3: And so if we kind of understand how we tend

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Speaker 3: to listen, that's helpful to say, oh, you're either a

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Speaker 3: analytical listener or a critical listener. I think, okay, that's

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Speaker 3: what I would say. We can go look at the

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Speaker 3: descriptions and.

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Speaker 2: That affects the conversation, I suppose if you know what

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Speaker 2: you tend to write.

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Speaker 3: Or maybe it just helps you also be aware of

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Speaker 3: how you're listening because maybe you know you're a analytical listener,

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Speaker 3: but what the person you're talking to needs is a relational.

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Speaker 1: Listener, right, Okay? And yeah.

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Speaker 3: In this article there is a description of what each

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Speaker 3: of those are. Okay, So another thing you can do

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Speaker 3: is make an active conscious choice about how to best listen.

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Speaker 3: And this can mean asking yourself things like why do

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Speaker 3: I need to listen right now? What is the focus

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Speaker 3: of attention in this conversation? Why am I talking?

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Speaker 2: Why am I talking?

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Speaker 1: Am I still listening? What am I missing? So those are.

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Speaker 3: Two things, the default listening style and the active conscious

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Speaker 3: choice about how to best listen from that article that

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Speaker 3: I thought were really helpful.

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Speaker 2: So I'm imagining we're having a conversation. You're talking, and

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Speaker 2: I'm like, uh, why am I talking? Why am I

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Speaker 2: still listening? What missing? And you're still talking about like

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Speaker 2: what is the focus of attention in this conversation?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but it's not why am I still listening? It's

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Speaker 1: am I still listening?

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Speaker 3: Me? Mean?

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Speaker 1: Am I still listening?

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Speaker 2: Have I zoned out? Yes?

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Speaker 1: Am I thinking about what I'm making for dinner?

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Speaker 3: Since you tend to cook more or you're cooking a night,

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Speaker 3: tho will be I am I'm making some Japanese work funds.

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Speaker 2: Oh so tasty?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we like to make those over the holiday season.

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Speaker 3: So I think active Listening can also include and here's

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Speaker 3: where my notes overlap what you said, restating what we've

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Speaker 3: heard to make sure we understand what's really being shared.

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Speaker 3: And I think it also can include asking questions and

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Speaker 3: being curious, as long as we don't derail what the

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Speaker 3: person is talking about.

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Speaker 1: HM, we let them kind of finish their train of thought, you.

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Speaker 2: Know, right, Yeah, I think that's super helpful. It can

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Speaker 2: feel forced or can feel sort of art like an

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Speaker 2: artificial kind of thing you're doing. What I hear you

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Speaker 2: say is YadA YadA, but it is helpful because it

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Speaker 2: confirms to you that I've heard you right.

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Speaker 1: And maybe you don't have to I've heard you right.

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Speaker 3: Maybe you don't have to state it that way. So

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Speaker 3: what I hear you saying is it could be.

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Speaker 2: So what I'm hearing you say is I don't need

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Speaker 2: to start off with what I say.

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Speaker 3: I'm not a loss to figure out how to restate

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Speaker 3: it right now, but there's probably a more subtle way.

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Speaker 2: Yeah too, or.

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Speaker 3: Oh that sounds really tough, that you were frustrated with

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Speaker 3: such and such, and then the person has a chance

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Speaker 3: to clarify and say, well, no, that's not really what

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Speaker 3: I was frustrated with you know what I mean, and

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Speaker 3: then it sounds like you're being empathetic, but you're also

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Speaker 3: giving them an opportunity to clarify.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, active listening exactly, very good.

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Speaker 1: Okay.

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Speaker 3: So an example of how you could do this over

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Speaker 3: the holidays or over Christmas is ask each other what

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Speaker 3: we're enjoying the most about the holiday season, you know,

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Speaker 3: and then taking that and maybe.

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Speaker 1: Doing an activity. It's very vague.

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Speaker 3: Maybe I'm like, I'm loving making cookies this Christmas and

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Speaker 3: you're like, great, I'd love to taste each of them,

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Speaker 3: or I don't. I don't know.

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Speaker 1: We're still working on this one.

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Speaker 2: Is this going to be the US time Challenge?

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Speaker 1: You'll find out what the time challenges?

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Speaker 3: Okay, So we're going to take another break. When we

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Speaker 3: come back, we'll talk about planning ahead. We are talking

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Speaker 3: about the benefits of looking back, living now, and planning

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Speaker 3: ahead as a couple or Christmas past, present in future.

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Speaker 1: Since this is our Christmas.

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Speaker 2: Episode, I was going to say ghostly, but it's not

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Speaker 2: ghostly spiritual. I don't know, I don't know, I got nothing,

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Speaker 2: no jokes here.

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Speaker 3: So we've already talked about looking back and living now.

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Speaker 3: So let's talk about planning ahead. So I read an

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Speaker 3: article on psychology today by Barton Goldsmith. I've obviously read

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Speaker 3: a lot of articles for this particular.

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Speaker 1: But not enough on why what countries got married on

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Speaker 1: Christmas Day?

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 1: Okay, So he had this to say.

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Speaker 3: One thing that successful relationships all have in common is

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Speaker 3: that the couples in them make plans for the future,

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Speaker 3: both near and long term. Making plans builds a bond

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Speaker 3: in a stronger sense of security in our hearts. And

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Speaker 3: he goes on to be very practical and saying, planning

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Speaker 3: for the future with your partner is not hard at all.

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Speaker 3: Once you begin, you might start by picturing yourselves living

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Speaker 3: together well and golden years and talk about what life

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Speaker 3: will be like for the two of you. Sometimes you

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Speaker 3: can see your own future by just looking out your

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Speaker 3: front door.

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Speaker 2: That's interesting. I've got I've got We've both got parents,

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Speaker 2: grandparents that are getting older, and so we can sort

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Speaker 2: of envision what their lives, what our lives might be like,

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Speaker 2: you know, sort of looking at them and yeah, ourselves

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Speaker 2: and their shoes.

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Speaker 3: And what would we right, Well, neither of us have

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Speaker 3: living grandparents anymore. Grandparents, right, yeah, yeah, Well, I think

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Speaker 3: the holiday season, especially as we head into the new year,

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Speaker 3: is a time when we find ourselves naturally thinking about

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Speaker 3: the future.

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Speaker 1: M h, you know, what's next, what's next year going

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Speaker 1: to look like?

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Speaker 3: And I think for us when it comes to planning ahead,

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Speaker 3: we've realized we want to sit down and plan together

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Speaker 3: when it comes to our LLC because we've just kind

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Speaker 3: of been going along and doing what's next when it

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Speaker 3: comes to work, we haven't sat down, Yett. Yeah, it's

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Speaker 3: exciting and daunting though, to sit down and like write

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Speaker 3: down our goals specifically for like the company or what

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Speaker 3: we want it to look like. Yeah, that's true. Okay,

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Speaker 3: well that's one thing we want to plan ahead in.

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Speaker 3: But I think that planning ahead just isn't just our

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Speaker 3: shared goals for where we want to be financially, your

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Speaker 3: career wise, or with our kids when we get to

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Speaker 3: this time next year. It can also include relational goals

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Speaker 3: like maybe we want to be more consistent with date nights.

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Speaker 3: It's been a very busy fall, and I think we

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Speaker 3: fell out of the consistency we'd.

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Speaker 1: Established earlier in the year.

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Speaker 3: So yeah, so I think I know we need to

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Speaker 3: get back into doing it regularly. We've gone on one

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Speaker 3: this month? Maybe yeah, yeah, it's been it's been busy.

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Speaker 3: There was a lot of travel. So I think, you know,

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Speaker 3: those listening can sit down and be like, Okay, what's

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Speaker 3: one relational goal by next Christmas we have for our relationship?

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Speaker 3: You know, maybe it's more date nights like I remembered,

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Speaker 3: or maybe we want to laugh more together, or communicate better,

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Speaker 3: or understand and each other's love languages.

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Speaker 2: Right, Once you have those ideas in mind, you can

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Speaker 2: put together a plan to get there.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and then just think, next Christmas you'll be looking

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Speaker 3: back and be like, look how far we came, right,

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Speaker 3: you know. So to recap this Christmas season, actively seek

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Speaker 3: out ways to look back, live now, and plan ahead

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Speaker 3: with your spouse. We're going to take one more break.

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Speaker 3: When we return, we'll be back with this week's US

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Speaker 3: Time Challenge. For this week's US Time Challenge, practice nostalgia

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Speaker 3: with your spouse, ask each other about your favorite Christmas

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Speaker 3: you've smeent together and why it stands out to you.

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Speaker 1: I thought that might be the easiest one.

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Speaker 2: Sure, sure, sure, sure, And I suppose if you're a

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Speaker 2: younger couple, what are we asking them to do? Same thing?

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Speaker 2: Or go back into childhood.

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Speaker 1: That's oh, that's a really great question. Okay, so maybe

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Speaker 1: if you've been married five longer five years or more

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Speaker 1: we have you do the nostalgia.

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Speaker 3: Maybe if you're newly married, you do the look ahead,

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Speaker 3: plan ahead and figure out, Okay, what do we want

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Speaker 3: this next Christmas to look like? Or where do we

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Speaker 3: want to be as a couple when we get to

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Speaker 3: next Christmas.

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Speaker 2: That's very good.

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Speaker 3: Well, thanks for joining us on the Team US podcast.

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Speaker 3: If you've enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast

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Speaker 3: and we'd love to have you leave a review over

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Speaker 3: at Apple Podcasts. We're looking forward to next time as

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Speaker 3: we keep talking about how grace, commitment, and cooperation can

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Speaker 3: help couples live the everyday moments of marriage together. Team

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Speaker 3: US with Ted and Ashley Slater is a production of

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Speaker 3: Live Audio and sale Media. If you liked what you

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Speaker 3: heard today, please take a second to rate and review

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Speaker 3: the podcast in your favorite podcast app so that more

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Speaker 3: listeners like you can find the show. For more faith

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Speaker 3: filled inspirational podcasts, visit us at liveaudio dot com.