1 00:00:02,759 --> 00:00:05,040 Speaker 1: Life Audio. 2 00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:10,240 Speaker 2: Hi there, it's Danache and welcome to the Rebuilding US 3 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:17,159 Speaker 2: Marriage Podcast. We're all supposed to be adults, right, Like 4 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:19,520 Speaker 2: you know, my friend and I we often say marriage 5 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,520 Speaker 2: is for the mature, but then we realize how immature 6 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 2: we can be, you know, literally in the moment when. 7 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,000 Speaker 1: You're like, exactly what you said. 8 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:29,120 Speaker 2: My husband won the last argument, so I'm going to 9 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,360 Speaker 2: do whatever I need to do. 10 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: And you can be dead. 11 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,680 Speaker 2: Wrong, right, but you're like, but I'm gonna win this one. 12 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:38,320 Speaker 2: And I think you know, the emotional regulation is huge, 13 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:42,480 Speaker 2: the emotional awareness is huge, and then the understanding part 14 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:43,680 Speaker 2: is really important. 15 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:45,159 Speaker 1: I think one of the things. 16 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,640 Speaker 2: That I talk about a lot is the purpose of 17 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:51,559 Speaker 2: communication is not agreement, but understanding. And so when you're 18 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:55,080 Speaker 2: able to come to a resolution, maybe it's not that 19 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:58,200 Speaker 2: both of you agree on the outcome, but that you 20 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:07,920 Speaker 2: have an understanding of where each other is coming from. Well, 21 00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:11,840 Speaker 2: welcome to the podcast everyone. I am just so honored 22 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,640 Speaker 2: every time that I get to meet somebody in this 23 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:17,319 Speaker 2: space who shares the same heart, who really has a 24 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:20,880 Speaker 2: passion for marriages, who wants to see marriages thrive. And 25 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:25,120 Speaker 2: we have a special guest today, David hashtrup and David 26 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:29,280 Speaker 2: actually has a podcast as well, called the Reconnected Marriages Podcast. 27 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,319 Speaker 2: And David and I were just kind of chatting a 28 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:35,759 Speaker 2: little bit before we started recording, and we're both believers. 29 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 2: So if you're listening to this interview today and you're 30 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,800 Speaker 2: a believer, you're going to really hear some information that 31 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,440 Speaker 2: we've prayed for that we pray that God would direct 32 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,480 Speaker 2: you wherever you are in your marriage. 33 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:46,920 Speaker 1: If you're not a believer, welcome. 34 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,440 Speaker 2: We hope that we say something that will really provoke 35 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 2: maybe something in you. 36 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,120 Speaker 1: To draw closer to the Lord today. 37 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,880 Speaker 2: Now, of course we got to start right away because 38 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:56,880 Speaker 2: I know people heard your accent and they're like, well, where's 39 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,160 Speaker 2: he from? So tell us a little bit about your story. 40 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,120 Speaker 2: I know you're a Nigerian and you living in Canada 41 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,520 Speaker 2: right now. How long have you been in Canada? Tell 42 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:04,840 Speaker 2: us a little bit about your background. 43 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:10,040 Speaker 3: So I came into Canada in two thousand and eight 44 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:16,080 Speaker 3: with my siblings, like every other immigrant family, trying to 45 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:22,320 Speaker 3: build a better life. My parents decided that we come 46 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:25,600 Speaker 3: over this way. I tried for the States. The States 47 00:02:25,639 --> 00:02:28,920 Speaker 3: did not walk out too. It's as though we were 48 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:33,680 Speaker 3: destined for Canada, and so we did move down here. 49 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,840 Speaker 3: I have a background in health care as a nurse 50 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:42,239 Speaker 3: and as a health care leader, being in that position 51 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:46,640 Speaker 3: for over ten years. Now as living in health care, 52 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,760 Speaker 3: I'm married to my blessed and beautiful wife of over 53 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,240 Speaker 3: fifteen years EVM. 54 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:54,720 Speaker 4: She is. 55 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:58,240 Speaker 3: I call her blessed and beautiful because her name actually 56 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,639 Speaker 3: means gifts from God, and so I take it as 57 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:05,919 Speaker 3: so Ebon means gift from God, so I say, it's 58 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,240 Speaker 3: my blessed, beautiful wife and a gift from God for me. 59 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:15,880 Speaker 3: Were blessed with three kids, two boys, one girl, a 60 00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:18,839 Speaker 3: fourteen year old, a ten year old, and a six 61 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:19,560 Speaker 3: year old. 62 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:22,600 Speaker 4: So that's that's me. 63 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,119 Speaker 2: Yeah, I love those ages, What fun ages those are. 64 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,520 Speaker 2: So I love that you call your wife blessed and beautiful. 65 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:29,679 Speaker 2: That was one of the things when I was looking 66 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,160 Speaker 2: at your bio. One of the things that I look 67 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,800 Speaker 2: for when I have guests on the show. No one 68 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,440 Speaker 2: has a perfect marriage, we know that, right, But for 69 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,000 Speaker 2: people to be able to speak highly of their spouse, 70 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 2: I think it's kind of a lost it's a lost art. 71 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 1: You know. 72 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,520 Speaker 2: We hear a lot of complaints about our spouses. We 73 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:48,000 Speaker 2: hear a lot of people, you know, saying things that 74 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:51,800 Speaker 2: would disparage their spouses in some way. But whenever I 75 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:55,440 Speaker 2: meet someone and they are publicly affirming their spouse, I 76 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:57,400 Speaker 2: don't know, I just feel like that that was just 77 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:01,080 Speaker 2: endearing to me. So I'm really great for the work 78 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:04,080 Speaker 2: that you all do. Now, your podcast is called Reconnected 79 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,680 Speaker 2: Marriage Podcast. Tell us a little bit about the name 80 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 2: and why did you start doing this work? 81 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:14,160 Speaker 3: So it's actually called Reconnected Marriage Partners podcast. 82 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 1: Partners that's an important word after that. 83 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:20,000 Speaker 3: Yes, it is fun because there is a Reconnected Marriage podcast, 84 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,840 Speaker 3: and so as it's a Reconnected Marriage partner's podcast. And 85 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 3: my wife and I decided to go through this. I've 86 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 3: always had a passion for marriage. In fact, I had 87 00:04:33,839 --> 00:04:37,599 Speaker 3: written somewhere in my journal before I even met my 88 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,920 Speaker 3: wife about going into the media space and having a 89 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,279 Speaker 3: talk show and all that. And that was long before 90 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:49,040 Speaker 3: I got married to her. And as our marriage continued, 91 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:53,960 Speaker 3: my parents showed me what marriage could look like. But 92 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:58,520 Speaker 3: of course this always one or two things that can 93 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:02,279 Speaker 3: be improved upon. And I thought, you know what, I 94 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,919 Speaker 3: need to get my marriage to a two point zero 95 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,200 Speaker 3: of my parents and looking forward to my kids, So 96 00:05:08,279 --> 00:05:10,640 Speaker 3: maybe do an upgrade of a three point zero and 97 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:14,040 Speaker 3: they just go, you know, just making marriage better. And 98 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:19,480 Speaker 3: so when we my path, the way God prepared us 99 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:24,279 Speaker 3: for this was my mom would always buy books, you know, 100 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:28,680 Speaker 3: about marriage. I listened to tapes about marriages and and 101 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:29,200 Speaker 3: then I. 102 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,000 Speaker 4: Kept hearing people who. 103 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,920 Speaker 3: They like you said, they bring down marriage a lot, 104 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:39,919 Speaker 3: they talk down about their spouse, and and I was like, 105 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,960 Speaker 3: this is not what the kind of marriage my parents 106 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:47,600 Speaker 3: showed me. They showed me a godly marriage. And I 107 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 3: think marriage in itself is not bad. It's just the 108 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,680 Speaker 3: people who are in it are imperfect. And because of 109 00:05:56,720 --> 00:06:02,440 Speaker 3: the imperfections of people, marriage ten to have this thing. 110 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:06,520 Speaker 3: People will say, I'd rather be, you know, single than 111 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,599 Speaker 3: get married, and you know what, or I can always 112 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,840 Speaker 3: get the milk and whatever before I don't, I don't 113 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:18,360 Speaker 3: need marriage. And so we thought, you know what, there 114 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 3: is this thing about marriage that is that needs to 115 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:28,840 Speaker 3: be worked upon. And that's the view that marriage one 116 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,880 Speaker 3: needs to lot over the other. And it comes from 117 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 3: a background in a petrachal society. Well will feel that 118 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,240 Speaker 3: the man has the final say and they don't work 119 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:45,840 Speaker 3: with the strengths that they each have. And so we 120 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:49,200 Speaker 3: thought you know what, let's put something together well will 121 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,600 Speaker 3: address some of these things and give people the tools 122 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 3: that would help them in their marriage, especially when it 123 00:06:56,480 --> 00:07:01,840 Speaker 3: comes to conflict, communication and connection, the intimacic path and 124 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:06,560 Speaker 3: see how we can just speak to people using biblical tools, 125 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 3: getting from the Bible, you know, breaking down those misconceptions, 126 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:15,280 Speaker 3: you know, like submission and all that other things, you know, 127 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,880 Speaker 3: loving your wife, submitting to your wife, I mean to 128 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:21,720 Speaker 3: your husband part of me. And that's how we started 129 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,640 Speaker 3: off the podcast. Now at the end of the day, 130 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,800 Speaker 3: people will come to know that marriage is God ordained 131 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,520 Speaker 3: and if we want to do it well, we need 132 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:31,880 Speaker 3: to get it from the sauce. 133 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,680 Speaker 2: One of the hardest things about resolving conflict is knowing 134 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,239 Speaker 2: where to start. This is why a lot of people 135 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:44,080 Speaker 2: tend to avoid conflict. But that's not you, because today 136 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,600 Speaker 2: I am giving you access to my heart to heart 137 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:51,120 Speaker 2: conversation starters when facing conflict. These three simple prompts are 138 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,760 Speaker 2: going to help you to be able to start conversations 139 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:57,520 Speaker 2: more confidently with clarity in order to find common ground. 140 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:02,520 Speaker 2: Grab your copy today at Dana shadak Ford slash Conversation Starters. 141 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:06,080 Speaker 2: That's d A N A C. Che dot com Ford 142 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:12,520 Speaker 2: slash conversation starters. Now back to our show. Oh my goodness, 143 00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:14,640 Speaker 2: so so true. I love that so much. I love 144 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:18,000 Speaker 2: the word partners My husband Sean and I our anniversary 145 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,400 Speaker 2: depending when you are listening to this episode, but our 146 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,320 Speaker 2: anniversary is coming up here in just a couple of days, 147 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,640 Speaker 2: and we've been together for it'll be twenty seven years married. 148 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,120 Speaker 2: And one of the things that I love about my 149 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,679 Speaker 2: husband is that even as a very young couple, before 150 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 2: we even got married, we were both very aligned on 151 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:40,880 Speaker 2: the whole partnership aspect. We were both raised in very 152 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:47,560 Speaker 2: traditional type church settings where partnership wasn't necessarily taught. It 153 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,880 Speaker 2: was very much the husband is the final say on 154 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:54,160 Speaker 2: all things and the wife submits and that's it. And 155 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,280 Speaker 2: as kids, I think we kind of realized, like there's 156 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,120 Speaker 2: some miss there's something missing there, Like I. 157 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,880 Speaker 1: Don't know how that's where them for y'all, but like, hmm, 158 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:04,040 Speaker 1: there's something that's in't. 159 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:09,280 Speaker 2: So we have had just this really great partnership and 160 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:12,360 Speaker 2: even in times where we have struggled in our marriage, 161 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,200 Speaker 2: I'm very open about our struggles on this podcast, things 162 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:17,200 Speaker 2: that we've gone through and our marriage that have been 163 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:20,520 Speaker 2: really traumatic. One thing is for sure is that we 164 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 2: call ourselves team, like our whole family is a team. 165 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:28,480 Speaker 2: And so our kids have been raised with this idea 166 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:32,120 Speaker 2: of what a husband and a wife partnership looks like. 167 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,040 Speaker 2: And I just I'm so glad that you brought that 168 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:36,320 Speaker 2: out because I think that that is so First of all, 169 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:39,520 Speaker 2: I believe it's biblical and it works like when we 170 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,560 Speaker 2: do things God's way. You mentioned going to the source, 171 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:45,240 Speaker 2: which is really where I see. Where I see a 172 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,920 Speaker 2: lot of couple struggle, Christian or not, is that they're 173 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:53,000 Speaker 2: trying to They're trying to operate a God. 174 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:55,559 Speaker 1: Ordained system without God, without the. 175 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:59,040 Speaker 2: Source, and just slapping a Christian label on your marriage 176 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,760 Speaker 2: is not it. 177 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,920 Speaker 1: It's not it. So yeah, So I'm so glad that 178 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:04,440 Speaker 1: you said that. 179 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,920 Speaker 2: I love that you all have been married, you guys 180 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,959 Speaker 2: and skinning the game sixteen years. Tell us because we're 181 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,720 Speaker 2: talking about communication, we're talking about conflict, we're talking about 182 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:15,480 Speaker 2: these deep intimacy type issues. I know that you speak 183 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,679 Speaker 2: a lot about conflict and what you all do, and 184 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:23,319 Speaker 2: you've actually coined this calm approach c A l M. 185 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,680 Speaker 2: I am assuming that that's an acronym for something. So, 186 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,880 Speaker 2: can you tell us a little bit about the calm 187 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,760 Speaker 2: approach when it comes to addressing conflict. 188 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,640 Speaker 3: So, the thing about conflict most times is that people 189 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:42,760 Speaker 3: think it's about what they're arguing about. But when we 190 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,559 Speaker 3: dig deeper, we'll find out that it's really not about 191 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,240 Speaker 3: the money, it's really not about the dishes, it's really 192 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,600 Speaker 3: not about you. 193 00:10:52,559 --> 00:10:54,160 Speaker 4: Know, whatever it is. 194 00:10:54,640 --> 00:11:02,640 Speaker 3: It's more from maybe unfulfilled desires, the expectations, not feeling 195 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:08,880 Speaker 3: appreciated and all that. And so we we put this 196 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:12,640 Speaker 3: calm metal together and so it's more of a practical 197 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:18,040 Speaker 3: framework that we use to help couples respond more calmly 198 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:23,720 Speaker 3: and intentionally, because it's it's really important to be intentional 199 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:28,160 Speaker 3: about those responds, you know, when conversations become tense, and 200 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:32,920 Speaker 3: and it helps them you know, pause, think through what 201 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:39,960 Speaker 3: needs to be said, and align themselves to respond properly. 202 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:44,720 Speaker 3: So the calm metal is actually an acronym. Like you said, 203 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:51,080 Speaker 3: the first one is catching the moment. Now someone comes 204 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:54,600 Speaker 3: home from work and the person, you know, the wife 205 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:58,280 Speaker 3: comes home from work. The husband is probably watching soccer 206 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:02,840 Speaker 3: where in the FIFA season now World cop and she 207 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,120 Speaker 3: sees that maybe the dishes has not been done and 208 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:12,960 Speaker 3: all that, and she's like, I said, the dishes have 209 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:13,760 Speaker 3: not been done. 210 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,160 Speaker 4: What have you been doing all day? Now? 211 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,960 Speaker 3: The husband, who perhaps may have been doing something all 212 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:25,720 Speaker 3: day may respond in a way or at times I 213 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:29,840 Speaker 3: tend to use react in a way that may trigger 214 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:34,240 Speaker 3: things in saying, oh you didn't even say good evening 215 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,400 Speaker 3: to me or how my day was. The first thing 216 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,600 Speaker 3: you're talking about is splits. Now is now less for 217 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:44,240 Speaker 3: the lady Now, she's not really talking about the dishes. 218 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,440 Speaker 3: She's just feeling that, you know what, I could have 219 00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:50,080 Speaker 3: needed some help I could have you know, I need 220 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:56,960 Speaker 3: support in this situation. And he is feeling like, oh, really, 221 00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:00,800 Speaker 3: you don't even have this emotional awareness about things. I 222 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:04,280 Speaker 3: have also been home. And I like using that story 223 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:08,280 Speaker 3: because when we talk of dishes, they feel this women 224 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:10,760 Speaker 3: who should be doing the dishes, And so I like 225 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:16,280 Speaker 3: to use that reverse. So we know that rows tend 226 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,920 Speaker 3: to shift most of the time, and so catching that moment, Okay, 227 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,280 Speaker 3: you know what I've said something I shouldn't have said. 228 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,080 Speaker 4: He responded in. 229 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:27,800 Speaker 3: A way that you know is going to if I 230 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:32,000 Speaker 3: respond in a different way, there's going to be some 231 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:36,199 Speaker 3: argument here. So the next thing is allowed the post, 232 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,839 Speaker 3: and that's the ad. So first of all, catch the 233 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:42,600 Speaker 3: moments and then you allow the post. When you're allowing 234 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,880 Speaker 3: the post is now to kind of take a breather 235 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:49,600 Speaker 3: and let me say, okay, and I'm sorry about the 236 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:53,960 Speaker 3: way that came out. This is what I'm trying to say. 237 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:59,160 Speaker 3: It could just even be five seconds and you you 238 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:06,679 Speaker 3: just relax and speak and they they the l will 239 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:12,480 Speaker 3: be lower the intensity. So in lowering the intensity, you 240 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:16,160 Speaker 3: bring it down a notch because if the guy is 241 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,520 Speaker 3: responding or you know what, you didn't even say good 242 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,680 Speaker 3: morning to me or good evening to me, and the 243 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:25,640 Speaker 3: first thing you're talking about is placed, she could respond, well, 244 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,560 Speaker 3: the place where the first thing, you know, the first 245 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 3: thing I came to see when when when when I 246 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:37,200 Speaker 3: entered the house. And of course now the intensity is increasing. 247 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,520 Speaker 3: But if she's lowering the intensity and said, oh, I'm sorry, 248 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:44,040 Speaker 3: I shouldn't have come across that way, you know I 249 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:48,120 Speaker 3: should have done it this is what I actually meant, 250 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:53,280 Speaker 3: or even leave the plates for now, because at times 251 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:57,080 Speaker 3: it's just that emotional awareness. Is the plate the first thing, 252 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,600 Speaker 3: or the dishes, the first thing one needs to talk 253 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:05,280 Speaker 3: about before you begin your day. And I'll just quickly 254 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,960 Speaker 3: share this story because it has to do with dishes. 255 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:13,560 Speaker 3: I grew up in a home where once you finish eating, 256 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:18,280 Speaker 3: you wash your dishes, you clean up and all that. 257 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:22,560 Speaker 3: And my home will say clean as you go, right, 258 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,600 Speaker 3: you know, as you cook, and you know, clean as 259 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:29,600 Speaker 3: you go, clean as you go. My wife came from 260 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:33,640 Speaker 3: a different background, and so how on statist Oh, we 261 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:36,520 Speaker 3: need to do all we need to do, and the 262 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,960 Speaker 3: dishes will be piled up. Now she may still be 263 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,400 Speaker 3: in the kitchen cooking with all that. And I returned 264 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:46,360 Speaker 3: from work and I see the pile of dishes, and 265 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:51,840 Speaker 3: my countenance will change and I'm like, why do we 266 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:52,800 Speaker 3: have dishes here? 267 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:53,680 Speaker 4: And all that. 268 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:57,440 Speaker 3: But point came whereing I was like, you know what, 269 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:02,520 Speaker 3: the dishes is not the end of the world. It's 270 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:06,160 Speaker 3: it's not, it's not. The dishes can be taken care of. 271 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:09,880 Speaker 3: It shouldn't be something that should be triggering, you know, 272 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:13,360 Speaker 3: bringing trigger. But that's what my experience had taught me. 273 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:18,200 Speaker 3: And so I had to be intentional about how I 274 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:22,680 Speaker 3: approach the dishes when I see them powered or not. 275 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:26,120 Speaker 3: And that's changed the way I come into work, I 276 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:29,920 Speaker 3: come back from work and I see the dishes doesn't 277 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,640 Speaker 3: move me, you know. And of course now we have 278 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:36,880 Speaker 3: kids or that has changed all that kids and so 279 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:42,560 Speaker 3: and so, Yes, catch the moments, allow, you know, and 280 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:47,880 Speaker 3: allow the post and l lower the intensity and then. 281 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,880 Speaker 4: They m is moved. 282 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:55,800 Speaker 3: No one needs to move towards understanding. And at times 283 00:16:55,800 --> 00:17:01,560 Speaker 3: people tend to want to win and argue okay, because 284 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:05,159 Speaker 3: the last two weeks when we had this conversation, you 285 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:06,240 Speaker 3: were the one who won. 286 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 4: So this time it's me to me. 287 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:16,160 Speaker 3: And so rather than trying to be reasonable and understand 288 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:20,399 Speaker 3: where their spouse is coming from, they will not. They 289 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:24,040 Speaker 3: will rather die on that hill than actually admit that 290 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:27,280 Speaker 3: they had fault. And so there's that place where we 291 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:30,720 Speaker 3: need to move to understanding and say, you know what, 292 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:32,800 Speaker 3: I hear you, I get you. 293 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,959 Speaker 4: I shouldn't have done that. Let's move forward with things. 294 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:37,720 Speaker 1: Yeah. 295 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:41,919 Speaker 2: I love how you break every part down. And like 296 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:45,160 Speaker 2: when you're listening to this, it seems so reasonable, right, 297 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:49,680 Speaker 2: It's like, yes, you know, catch the moment, you know, pause, 298 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,960 Speaker 2: Like I think even just the pausing part is so 299 00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:56,080 Speaker 2: incredibly important, something that we don't think about. It's a 300 00:17:56,119 --> 00:17:58,639 Speaker 2: simple things. There's a simple tweak that if you just 301 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,760 Speaker 2: pause for a second. The thing that you said about 302 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,840 Speaker 2: lowering the intensity, I want to kind of part there 303 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,280 Speaker 2: for a second because a lot of us when we 304 00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:08,960 Speaker 2: get in these heated exchanges, and you're so right, it's 305 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:11,560 Speaker 2: never about the dishes, It's never about the thing that 306 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,880 Speaker 2: we're arguing about. There's always something deeper there. How would 307 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:18,080 Speaker 2: you advise a couple to, like, practically, how do I 308 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:20,080 Speaker 2: lower the intensity when I feel like I'm on a ten? 309 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:22,760 Speaker 2: Because I've said this to my spouse twenty times and 310 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,520 Speaker 2: they don't seem to get it. And now here we 311 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:26,840 Speaker 2: are and we're having the same argument again, how do 312 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:31,040 Speaker 2: I just lower the intensity? Like, what are some practical 313 00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:35,159 Speaker 2: things that either spouse can do, because maybe you're not 314 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,560 Speaker 2: the one that is on a tin, Maybe it's your 315 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:40,240 Speaker 2: spouse and they're very riled up. Is there anything that 316 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,520 Speaker 2: you can do to help your spouse to be able 317 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,240 Speaker 2: to lower that intensity if it's not you that needs 318 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,280 Speaker 2: to bring it down notch? 319 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:58,280 Speaker 3: So what I've learned is that many you don't go 320 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,120 Speaker 3: to a battle unprepared. 321 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,520 Speaker 4: If you are. 322 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:07,879 Speaker 3: Going to a battle, you need to train, You need 323 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:12,959 Speaker 3: to prepare yourself, You need to get things on you know, preparation. 324 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:14,280 Speaker 4: I think it's the first thing. 325 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:20,000 Speaker 3: You cannot lower intensity when you have not when you 326 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:24,399 Speaker 3: don't have a plan before you are in that tense moment. 327 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:25,600 Speaker 4: And so. 328 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:30,440 Speaker 3: One needs to learn Okay, if I do get into 329 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,680 Speaker 3: a tense moment, what do I need to do? 330 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:36,200 Speaker 4: This is how? 331 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:38,480 Speaker 3: And so there needs to be a form of reflection 332 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:44,320 Speaker 3: on past experiences. Okay, this is what, this is how, 333 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,080 Speaker 3: this is what triggers me. This is a word that 334 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:51,720 Speaker 3: triggers me. What will I do if my husband or 335 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:57,400 Speaker 3: my wife says this thing to me and I am triggered? 336 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:01,480 Speaker 3: Do I need to speak to them before that will 337 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:06,040 Speaker 3: come to that piece and not address certain issues in 338 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:10,119 Speaker 3: the heat of the moment. And so that preparation is 339 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,879 Speaker 3: one piece of you know, okay, what do I need 340 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,840 Speaker 3: to do? And then when you find yourself in that moment, 341 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:21,760 Speaker 3: you know what you walk through and if it's something 342 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,760 Speaker 3: that you have done over the years, it's not going 343 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:27,879 Speaker 3: to happen in one day. I used to share the 344 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:34,400 Speaker 3: story about you know, and different backgrounds a couple. One 345 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:40,080 Speaker 3: of them is used to shouting whenever there is an argument. 346 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,760 Speaker 3: This other person is not used to this shout, So 347 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,440 Speaker 3: the wife will keep on raising her voice and all that. 348 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,359 Speaker 3: And then one day the guy told the lady, listen, 349 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:53,359 Speaker 3: this shouting is not going to help. 350 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:55,639 Speaker 4: Interaction. 351 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,920 Speaker 3: You can talk to me calmly and all that. Now 352 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:03,679 Speaker 3: the lady puts in an effort, and one day she 353 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,520 Speaker 3: was also shouting, and she's as she's raising her voice, 354 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,400 Speaker 3: she said, I know I'm shouting, but I just need 355 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:09,720 Speaker 3: to shout that. 356 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:13,320 Speaker 1: Yes, she's aware, she's aware. 357 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:18,320 Speaker 3: She's aware, and so that awareness is the other thing, 358 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:22,800 Speaker 3: to just be aware of your reaction to things. And 359 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:27,280 Speaker 3: with time she was able to have a conversation with 360 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:32,720 Speaker 3: her with her partner that and it was in a 361 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:37,000 Speaker 3: calm way. And so one needs to just be prepared, 362 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:41,720 Speaker 3: have that awareness and look out for progress. 363 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:42,560 Speaker 4: Not perfect. 364 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:43,040 Speaker 1: That's good. 365 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:47,280 Speaker 2: You know you mentioned about not having to win an argument, 366 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,840 Speaker 2: and I kind of chuckled, because we're all supposed to 367 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:52,080 Speaker 2: be adults, right like you know, my friend and I 368 00:21:52,119 --> 00:21:55,040 Speaker 2: we often say marriage is for the mature, but then 369 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:56,560 Speaker 2: we realize how immature. 370 00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:58,960 Speaker 1: We can be, you know, literally in the moment when. 371 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:01,480 Speaker 2: You're like, exactly what you said. My husband won the 372 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,680 Speaker 2: last arguments, so I'm going to do whatever I need 373 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,600 Speaker 2: to do, And you can be dead wrong, right, But 374 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,040 Speaker 2: you're like, but I'm gonna win this one, and I think, 375 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:13,880 Speaker 2: you know, the emotional regulation is huge, the emotional awareness 376 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:17,280 Speaker 2: is huge, and then the understanding part is really important. 377 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,200 Speaker 2: I think one of the things that I talk about 378 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,800 Speaker 2: a lot is the purpose of communication is not agreement, 379 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:26,080 Speaker 2: but understanding. And so when you're able to come to 380 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,920 Speaker 2: a resolution, maybe it's not that both of you agree 381 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,840 Speaker 2: on the outcome, but that you have an understanding of 382 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,320 Speaker 2: where each other is coming from. And you mentioned in 383 00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:38,439 Speaker 2: your example about how your wife grew up. You know, 384 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,600 Speaker 2: she grew up in a home where the dishes I mean, again, 385 00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,720 Speaker 2: it's a simple example, but it's really it can really 386 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,320 Speaker 2: be profound when you think about how these things show 387 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,080 Speaker 2: up in our marriages. The families of origin that we 388 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:54,320 Speaker 2: grow up in shape us, and we contend to think 389 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:57,359 Speaker 2: that is the only way to do something or that 390 00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:00,800 Speaker 2: is the best way to do something, and it's not 391 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,680 Speaker 2: always Like I grew up in a home too where 392 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,840 Speaker 2: we you know, we had a dishwasher, but my mom 393 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:08,120 Speaker 2: was like, why am I gonna run the dishwasher when 394 00:23:08,119 --> 00:23:12,080 Speaker 2: I have two perfectly good teenagers here? So we were 395 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,879 Speaker 2: the dishwashers, right, So then when I got this is 396 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,560 Speaker 2: how it happened. So you make these crazy internal vowels 397 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:20,520 Speaker 2: like when I get married, we are always gonna use 398 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:24,600 Speaker 2: our dishwasher. So what happens I get married and at 399 00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,040 Speaker 2: the time we have like you know, I think, I 400 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,959 Speaker 2: don't know when infants, and I mean, obviously there's bottles 401 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:31,640 Speaker 2: and things to wash. But my husband's like, we don't 402 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,880 Speaker 2: need a dishwasher. And what happened. I'm triggered, right, I'm 403 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,880 Speaker 2: triggered because here comes my mom telling us we don't 404 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,000 Speaker 2: need a dishwall. I'm like, what are you talking about? 405 00:23:40,119 --> 00:23:42,119 Speaker 2: Of course we need a dishwak, but like, this is 406 00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:44,800 Speaker 2: how it happens. And then you're on a ten. You're 407 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,639 Speaker 2: like out of control and you're not sure how I 408 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:50,359 Speaker 2: got there, Like we just started arguing over this dishwasher, 409 00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:52,440 Speaker 2: like how do we get here? And so that's why 410 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,160 Speaker 2: the emotional like awareness piece is so important. I love 411 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,640 Speaker 2: that you that you break this down in such an 412 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,359 Speaker 2: easy way. So I'm gonna just run through this these 413 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:03,280 Speaker 2: again in case people need just kind of refresher. So 414 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,680 Speaker 2: you catch the moment, you allow for the pause, you 415 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:12,960 Speaker 2: lower the intensity, and then you move toward understanding in 416 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:17,480 Speaker 2: your experience, David, do you feel like there's maybe out 417 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:20,080 Speaker 2: of those four elements, do you feel like maybe one 418 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:25,000 Speaker 2: is more difficult or the couples that you've been exposed to, 419 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:27,760 Speaker 2: do you feel like there's maybe one area where couple 420 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:29,719 Speaker 2: struggle with the most. 421 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:38,359 Speaker 3: I think it's if one can actually catch the moment. 422 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:45,840 Speaker 3: I think I would say personality. I'll think catching the 423 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:51,200 Speaker 3: moments is the is the place because that's will determine 424 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:55,080 Speaker 3: the trajectory of things. And so if one is able 425 00:24:55,119 --> 00:25:00,600 Speaker 3: to realize and that's where this self awareness emotion has come, 426 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,760 Speaker 3: and you are able to catch that moment where things 427 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:07,960 Speaker 3: begin to turn, you may be able to redirect things. 428 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:11,399 Speaker 3: Because most times people feel that, you know what, my 429 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:16,280 Speaker 3: spouse is at fault? Well, I asked it. You know, 430 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:21,000 Speaker 3: I was calm when I asked the question. And here's 431 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:27,760 Speaker 3: this guy or wife making a mountain out of this 432 00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:28,680 Speaker 3: ant hill. 433 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:30,840 Speaker 4: But the point is that. 434 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:37,040 Speaker 3: At times, we as individuals, we can actually change the 435 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:41,720 Speaker 3: atmosphere of a conversation. Yes, our spouse may be at 436 00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:45,600 Speaker 3: a hundred, but if we can keep it, you know, 437 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:51,200 Speaker 3: low when this idea began to come together, my wife 438 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:56,720 Speaker 3: and I had just We're just gone through this heated argument, 439 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,919 Speaker 3: and I stumped out of the house and you know, 440 00:26:00,359 --> 00:26:03,600 Speaker 3: just went into my car and actually began to weep 441 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,639 Speaker 3: because this, this, this is not the marriage that I 442 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:12,160 Speaker 3: had anticipated. We were arguing on unnecessary things. Of course, 443 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:15,760 Speaker 3: money was tied. We just had a baby, we had 444 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:19,080 Speaker 3: just had an international move. My wife was still a 445 00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:23,640 Speaker 3: bit struggling with her health and all that, and and 446 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:30,480 Speaker 3: so with all these factors happening, it was just like continuous, continuous, 447 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,480 Speaker 3: and I'm like, listen, this is a guy who has 448 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:36,240 Speaker 3: read and prepared for marriage, you know, and here I'm 449 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,760 Speaker 3: finding myself in this and I'm like, God, this is 450 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:39,679 Speaker 3: not what I asked for. 451 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,080 Speaker 4: This is not what I want my son or my 452 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,840 Speaker 4: children to envision. 453 00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:47,480 Speaker 3: And and so it just dawned on me that, you 454 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:51,880 Speaker 3: know what, I need to do things differently I need 455 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:55,760 Speaker 3: And so by the time I took the lead in 456 00:26:56,920 --> 00:27:02,760 Speaker 3: ensuring that I regulate the the temperature in the home 457 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:06,720 Speaker 3: and the way I respond in the way I do things, 458 00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:09,679 Speaker 3: my wife began to see that and was like, you 459 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,919 Speaker 3: know what, I don't need to open my mouth and 460 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,040 Speaker 3: speak about everything that. 461 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:20,120 Speaker 4: Comes to my mind. I need to also pause before 462 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:24,000 Speaker 4: I speak, and that is where all this You know, 463 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:28,080 Speaker 4: that'd be so good. So catching the moment, well. 464 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,720 Speaker 2: Catching the moment, yes, I'm so glad you broke that 465 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,199 Speaker 2: down a little bit. If we can catch the moment, 466 00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:37,720 Speaker 2: see conflict before it erupts, and realize I have a choice. 467 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:42,639 Speaker 2: There's one of my favorite scriptures is Jeremiah six sixteen 468 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:45,240 Speaker 2: I think it is, and it says stand at the 469 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:50,680 Speaker 2: crossroads and look ask for the ancient paths, the good 470 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:55,040 Speaker 2: paths is what one translation says, and follow its way, 471 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:57,439 Speaker 2: and then you will find rest for your soul. And 472 00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:01,280 Speaker 2: I love that scripture so much because at the at 473 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:05,080 Speaker 2: the precipice of every conflict is a choice, right, Like 474 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:09,160 Speaker 2: we're our crossroads, so there's conflict, which is not bad. 475 00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:10,320 Speaker 1: We need conflict. 476 00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:13,560 Speaker 2: I think conflict out of control is bad, right, But 477 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:15,560 Speaker 2: conflict is just just a disagreement. 478 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:17,680 Speaker 1: You're gonna have them. You're gonna have disagreement, You're gonna 479 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:18,879 Speaker 1: have conflicts in your relationship. 480 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:22,439 Speaker 2: But when we're at the precipice of that conflict, realizing 481 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:27,120 Speaker 2: I have a choice, I can get angry and turn 482 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:30,679 Speaker 2: this into something that's gonna be harder to come back from, 483 00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:35,600 Speaker 2: or we can work through this disagreement that we're having 484 00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:39,719 Speaker 2: like mature adults. And that goes back to the pause, 485 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:43,680 Speaker 2: right like, because if you just run straight ahead into 486 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,000 Speaker 2: the conversation. And this is why I love something that 487 00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:49,959 Speaker 2: you said. You said that not every conflict is about 488 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:53,440 Speaker 2: having quote better communication, which is what we've been taught, 489 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:55,320 Speaker 2: right Like, you got to learn how to communicate better, 490 00:28:55,360 --> 00:29:01,080 Speaker 2: communicate better. Yes, but also some of that work, a 491 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:04,080 Speaker 2: lot of that work has to be done internally before 492 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:07,800 Speaker 2: it can be done externally. Yeah, So I love that 493 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:10,920 Speaker 2: you know, taking that moment to just see, Okay, what 494 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:11,600 Speaker 2: am I going to do? 495 00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:13,600 Speaker 1: I'm at a crossroad. How am I going to choose? 496 00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:15,800 Speaker 4: Yeah? 497 00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:18,480 Speaker 3: I just wanted to add since you brought up the scripture, 498 00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:22,520 Speaker 3: one scripture that has helped me in my marriage is 499 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:26,400 Speaker 3: Proverbs fifteen one. You probably know it a soft answer, 500 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:32,400 Speaker 3: tons away, wroth, grievous words, stare of anger, And that 501 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:37,080 Speaker 3: scripture has been an ankle in the way, not just 502 00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:39,680 Speaker 3: in my marriage, but also in life, the way I 503 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:43,240 Speaker 3: respond to things and all that, because we can't always 504 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,520 Speaker 3: fight fire with fire. It's just going to blow over, 505 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:51,040 Speaker 3: and so we need that softness, softness in rest. 506 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:52,120 Speaker 1: Yes, Yes, yes, I was. 507 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:55,960 Speaker 2: I was tempted and failed, tried, I should say, and 508 00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:58,600 Speaker 2: failed last week. You know, it's so funny because people think, oh, wow, 509 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:00,760 Speaker 2: you guys have been married for so long, and I'm like, yeah, 510 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,640 Speaker 2: and we're still working out a lot of the same 511 00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:08,480 Speaker 2: challenges that you know a newer couple, because it's again 512 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:09,880 Speaker 2: about emotional regulation. 513 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:11,680 Speaker 1: It's it's really where it really. 514 00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:13,760 Speaker 2: Comes down to, is allowing yourself to be spirit led 515 00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:16,880 Speaker 2: and not fleshy and just not fleshley, and our flesh 516 00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:19,720 Speaker 2: wants to lead. And you know, when my husband said 517 00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:22,080 Speaker 2: something to me that I don't like, I want my 518 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:27,000 Speaker 2: default to be respond like the spirit filled woman of 519 00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:30,080 Speaker 2: God that I am. But that is not always how 520 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:33,720 Speaker 2: it happens, you know, And so that scripture came to 521 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:36,120 Speaker 2: mind last week. A soft answer turns away wrath. My 522 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,480 Speaker 2: husband was upset about something, and he does not get 523 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:42,280 Speaker 2: upset very often. My husband is very even he I 524 00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:45,040 Speaker 2: love that about him. He does not get riled up easily. 525 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:47,080 Speaker 2: If anyone is going to get riled up, it's going 526 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,200 Speaker 2: to be me. But this particular day, I don't know 527 00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:51,000 Speaker 2: what I did to the brother, but it was. 528 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,560 Speaker 1: It was. 529 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:56,440 Speaker 2: And so he kind of snapped at me, and I 530 00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:58,240 Speaker 2: was like, well, I was telling my friend, like, when 531 00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:01,000 Speaker 2: that happens, it's like a because it does not happen 532 00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:04,600 Speaker 2: very often. And so of course my flesh came out, 533 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:08,000 Speaker 2: and I was like, you know, and literally, this is 534 00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:11,080 Speaker 2: how good the Holy Spirit is. Just as I was 535 00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:14,600 Speaker 2: about to like respond, I heard that scripture A soft 536 00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:17,120 Speaker 2: answer turns away wrath, and I just blew past the 537 00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:19,040 Speaker 2: scripture and said what I wanted to say, you know, 538 00:31:23,120 --> 00:31:25,920 Speaker 2: because that's how good Christian folks act. But I had 539 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:27,320 Speaker 2: to go o repent, you know. I had to be like, 540 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:29,280 Speaker 2: all right, Lord. First of all, you were trying to 541 00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:31,479 Speaker 2: keep me out of a mess, and I ignored you, 542 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:34,640 Speaker 2: and I got myself into a mess because I fought 543 00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:37,160 Speaker 2: fire with fire that day, you know. And so I 544 00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:39,800 Speaker 2: don't always get it right. But that is a great 545 00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:44,320 Speaker 2: scripture to put into practice when you're able to take 546 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:48,040 Speaker 2: that pause like I should have done, and not responded 547 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:50,920 Speaker 2: in that way. So I love the fact that you know. 548 00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:53,040 Speaker 2: One of the things that you and your wife Evan 549 00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:56,360 Speaker 2: do is you want to help couples before they get 550 00:31:56,400 --> 00:32:00,000 Speaker 2: into years of doing this wrong. I know you've written 551 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:02,640 Speaker 2: a book. It's called The First let me say, I'm 552 00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:06,000 Speaker 2: when I mess the book up. It's called a couple's 553 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:10,280 Speaker 2: first ten years. What's so critical about those first ten 554 00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:13,160 Speaker 2: years that you would say we need to focus on? 555 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:18,520 Speaker 4: So studies actually show that this. 556 00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:25,080 Speaker 3: You know, within the early years of marriage, there's usually 557 00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:28,520 Speaker 3: lots of challenges, and people tend to give up in 558 00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:29,840 Speaker 3: that first ten years. 559 00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:31,600 Speaker 4: Why because. 560 00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:36,120 Speaker 3: Blessed children come in, you know, those little little folks 561 00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:40,840 Speaker 3: that tend to push your buttons. They show up, that's 562 00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:46,040 Speaker 3: their carry out growth. At times people are still finding 563 00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:50,240 Speaker 3: themselves and all that, and people tend to give up 564 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:54,880 Speaker 3: too easily in those periods and they feel you know what, 565 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:58,800 Speaker 3: when we were dating, we had all these butterflies, you know, 566 00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:02,240 Speaker 3: we had our honeymoon one year in and all that. 567 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:08,560 Speaker 3: But the truth is that life happens to everyone. For 568 00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:13,480 Speaker 3: in our own situation, I have gone through two brain surgeries. 569 00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:16,920 Speaker 3: One of them was one was within the ten years, 570 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:22,800 Speaker 3: and two years later another brain surgery. My wife was 571 00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:26,240 Speaker 3: by my side through it all. For someone who tends 572 00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:29,959 Speaker 3: to call himself my wife hads my wife put it again, 573 00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:34,640 Speaker 3: and an independent man who loves to do things and 574 00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:37,400 Speaker 3: handle things and all that. Now I had to be 575 00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:41,840 Speaker 3: dependent fully on her and other people, even as little 576 00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:46,120 Speaker 3: as driving myself, you know, to work, excuse me. 577 00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:49,120 Speaker 4: And and so we have all. 578 00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:53,200 Speaker 3: These things thrown at us. We're even beginning to learn 579 00:33:53,720 --> 00:34:00,920 Speaker 3: of each other more. People feel that because they they 580 00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:04,960 Speaker 3: loved their best friends, that won't be any change happening 581 00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:09,160 Speaker 3: in the lives of individuals. But people do change, and 582 00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:12,560 Speaker 3: that's the truth. So when people, you know, throw suite, 583 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:16,480 Speaker 3: nothing is as oh, you're the same woman I'm married, 584 00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:21,200 Speaker 3: you know since fifteen years ago. No, I hope not. 585 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:24,839 Speaker 3: I hope he grew to be better. I hope he 586 00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:29,640 Speaker 3: grew to be better. And so those challenges, you know, 587 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:32,840 Speaker 3: so the book was actually written to let people know 588 00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:36,600 Speaker 3: that they are not alone. They're not alone in whatever 589 00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:42,000 Speaker 3: struggles beat financial, be it health, beat raising children beat. 590 00:34:42,200 --> 00:34:45,840 Speaker 3: You know, in Africa, we tend to have you know, 591 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:49,320 Speaker 3: parents and community raising children, and when you are on 592 00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:53,880 Speaker 3: immigrants and families far away, it is more difficult to 593 00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:58,440 Speaker 3: do that, and so that also puts its own pressure also. 594 00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:01,560 Speaker 3: And so all the thing, you know, we put them 595 00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:06,520 Speaker 3: together using the marriage valve, the traditional marriage vow actually, 596 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:10,279 Speaker 3: and we had a story and we had some tools 597 00:35:10,719 --> 00:35:13,680 Speaker 3: how you know, we're navigated and some tools that people 598 00:35:13,719 --> 00:35:17,879 Speaker 3: could use to also help themselves through those first ten 599 00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:19,080 Speaker 3: years of us. 600 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:20,960 Speaker 2: Certain and people can find the book on Amazon, and 601 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:23,480 Speaker 2: David tell people where if they want to learn more 602 00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:25,279 Speaker 2: about what you and your wife do, if they want 603 00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:28,120 Speaker 2: to listen to the podcast, what's the best place that 604 00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:29,080 Speaker 2: they can find you. 605 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:34,759 Speaker 3: So the podcast is the Reconnected Marriage Partner's Podcast, and 606 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:40,920 Speaker 3: you can find it on all the platforms actually Apple, Go, Gos, 607 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:44,960 Speaker 3: Spotify and the rest, and so it is there. If 608 00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:48,319 Speaker 3: you also want to reach out to us, it's at 609 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:54,840 Speaker 3: coach at marriage family dot com. And we actually are 610 00:35:54,880 --> 00:36:00,560 Speaker 3: preparing a webinar that will be happening some time in 611 00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:05,719 Speaker 3: late July, just talking about this argument then how to 612 00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:10,520 Speaker 3: stop the arguments before the start, and so hopefully they 613 00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:14,640 Speaker 3: can the listeners can also join us. We'll be having 614 00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:21,279 Speaker 3: it in our Instagram Reconnected Marriage. That's where Instagram is, 615 00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:24,640 Speaker 3: and will be putting out advert. 616 00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:26,200 Speaker 2: Okay, awesome, and we'll be sure to link to the 617 00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:30,320 Speaker 2: Instagram the website in the podcast and the show notes 618 00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:32,520 Speaker 2: of this podcast. David, thank you so much for being 619 00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:34,479 Speaker 2: with us today. I really appreciate all that you shared 620 00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:35,319 Speaker 2: with us. 621 00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:39,200 Speaker 4: Thank you so much. Dana it's been a pleasure. You go, 622 00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:39,719 Speaker 4: bless you.