1 00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:07,560 Speaker 1: Life Audio. Hey, Hey everybody, it's Danache and you're listening 2 00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:11,840 Speaker 1: to the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. I really really appreciate 3 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 1: you all being here today on this episode. And if 4 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,919 Speaker 1: you listened to last week's episode, you know that I 5 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,799 Speaker 1: have been teasing out my brand new book, Writing True. 6 00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:22,319 Speaker 1: I'm so excited about this book you all to cover 7 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:25,159 Speaker 1: is absolutely gorgeous. If you are not already following me 8 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:28,160 Speaker 1: on Instagram, be sure to follow me at missus Dana 9 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,440 Speaker 1: Shay so that you can see the book covers, so 10 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,400 Speaker 1: that you can chime in on some polls and just 11 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,520 Speaker 1: some notifications that I'm going to be giving you as 12 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:39,320 Speaker 1: we prepare for this book release in January of twenty 13 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,280 Speaker 1: twenty six. So today I want to have this conversation 14 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:47,040 Speaker 1: because there are so many conversations and marriage that we avoid. 15 00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:50,120 Speaker 1: You know it's true. I know it's true, and so 16 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 1: I want to talk to you all today about the 17 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:57,600 Speaker 1: eight conversations that we are avoiding. Now, you might listen 18 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,600 Speaker 1: to these eight conversations and you might realize I've been 19 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,800 Speaker 1: avoiding all of them, or maybe you're only avoiding one 20 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:06,440 Speaker 1: or two of them. My goal today is to help 21 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,880 Speaker 1: you to be able to have these conversations in your 22 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 1: marriage in a way that feels genuine and a way 23 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,840 Speaker 1: that feels authentic, and in a way that gets you 24 00:01:14,959 --> 00:01:18,480 Speaker 1: toward your goal. So let's talk about that. If you 25 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,959 Speaker 1: think that the goal of a conversation is to fix 26 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:25,280 Speaker 1: a problem, well then friend, you're already starting from the 27 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:28,919 Speaker 1: wrong lens and you're probably going to be disappointed because 28 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,880 Speaker 1: I don't know about you, but most of my marriage 29 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 1: problems are not fixed in one conversation. So if we 30 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:40,200 Speaker 1: put that much pressure on this conversation, then it's not 31 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:42,760 Speaker 1: going to succeed. It's not going to be successful. So 32 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:47,000 Speaker 1: I think a better way is to first reframe the 33 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:50,800 Speaker 1: goal of the conversation. If you've listened to this podcast 34 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 1: for any length of time, you have undoubtedly heard me 35 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:57,600 Speaker 1: say that the purpose of communication is not agreement, but understanding. 36 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,360 Speaker 1: We could also say that the purpose of communication is 37 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:05,560 Speaker 1: not to fix a problem, but to understand the other person. Now. 38 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,920 Speaker 1: I know that we all want to fix problems, and 39 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 1: yes there are solutions that need to happen in our marriages. 40 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:14,800 Speaker 1: But if you approach every conversation with we've got to 41 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,640 Speaker 1: fix this thing, or we've got to come up to 42 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,720 Speaker 1: a solution at the end of this conversation. Well, then, 43 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:21,120 Speaker 1: like I said, I think that you're going to be 44 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:24,840 Speaker 1: disappointed and you're going to feed the fear of why 45 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,440 Speaker 1: you're choosing not to have that conversation in the first place. 46 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,320 Speaker 1: So I have to tell you a story. It's a 47 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:33,480 Speaker 1: little embarrassing, but I believe in confessing my sense one 48 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,280 Speaker 1: to another, that you may be healed. Okay, that's a 49 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,680 Speaker 1: scripture in the Book of James. So about a year 50 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,840 Speaker 1: and a half ago, I was working out one morning 51 00:02:41,919 --> 00:02:44,239 Speaker 1: Saturday morning, was working out. We have a home gym, 52 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,079 Speaker 1: and I had gone into the gym and all of 53 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,960 Speaker 1: a sudden, the room just like went like almost like 54 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,280 Speaker 1: if you've ever been in a fun house and everything 55 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,880 Speaker 1: just looks distorted. That's exactly what happened. It just looked 56 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:59,200 Speaker 1: like everything just went completely crazy, and it was the 57 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:02,120 Speaker 1: scariest thing. And so I grabbed onto whatever was like 58 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,320 Speaker 1: closest to me to kind of steady myself because I 59 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,240 Speaker 1: felt like I was gonna fall. And the next thing 60 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:10,400 Speaker 1: I noticed is my body started feeling all tingly right, 61 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:13,360 Speaker 1: and I was like, Okay, this is not normal, this 62 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:15,919 Speaker 1: is not good. So I sat there for a minute 63 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,919 Speaker 1: and just tried to like get myself together, try to 64 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:21,360 Speaker 1: figure out what was going on. And then my eyes 65 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,120 Speaker 1: started seeing like double right, double vision. So it's like 66 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:29,960 Speaker 1: two mirrors, two treadmills, two bench presses, like two of everything. 67 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:33,000 Speaker 1: So I decided, Okay, I'm gonna call telehealth because they're 68 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,840 Speaker 1: gonna be able to tell me what's going on. So 69 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,120 Speaker 1: I called telehealth and as soon as I dial the number, 70 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:41,160 Speaker 1: the whole left side of my body goes no. Now 71 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,440 Speaker 1: I know that that is not a good sign. Okay, 72 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 1: So of course what am I thinking I might be 73 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,080 Speaker 1: having And I can't even bring myself to say the word, 74 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,680 Speaker 1: so I'll always spell it out. I might be having 75 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:53,040 Speaker 1: an str oke. Right, So I'm on the phone with 76 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 1: the nurse and she's asking me my symptoms and I'm 77 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,160 Speaker 1: telling her about all the things that I'm experiencing, and 78 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,000 Speaker 1: she's like, you need to get to the emergency room 79 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:04,600 Speaker 1: right away. Well, y'all, I've been to the emergency room before. 80 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:07,120 Speaker 1: Maybe you've been to the emergency room before, and you 81 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,600 Speaker 1: know that when you go to the emergency room, it 82 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,240 Speaker 1: is not an emergency for them. So you're waiting in 83 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,960 Speaker 1: there for six to eight hours and I had a 84 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,159 Speaker 1: lot of things to do that Saturday, and to be honest, 85 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,640 Speaker 1: I just didn't feel like going. I was like, I 86 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 1: don't want to go because I don't want to sit 87 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:22,640 Speaker 1: in the emergency room all day long. This is not 88 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:25,120 Speaker 1: what I had on my agenda for a Saturday. So 89 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,000 Speaker 1: I was like, well, I think I want to go 90 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:30,240 Speaker 1: to the urgent care. And she's like, I really think 91 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:32,720 Speaker 1: you need to go to the er. And I was like, okay, thanks, 92 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:34,240 Speaker 1: I'm going to go to the urgent care. Have a 93 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:37,479 Speaker 1: good day. So I get off the phone and I'm like, 94 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,440 Speaker 1: I'm going to drive myself to the urgent care. Y'all. 95 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:43,640 Speaker 1: I know this is crazy. It's crazy, right, So I 96 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:46,320 Speaker 1: get in my car, I drive to the urgent care. 97 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,600 Speaker 1: Now I call my husband and I'm like, Hey, what 98 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,000 Speaker 1: should I do? This is what's going on. He's like, 99 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,320 Speaker 1: go to the fire station, have them check your bibles. 100 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:54,600 Speaker 1: And I was like, well, why am I going to 101 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:56,320 Speaker 1: go to the fire station and the urgent care is 102 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,880 Speaker 1: right down the street. In case there's something really wrong 103 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,800 Speaker 1: with me, I prefer to be out an urgent care 104 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,080 Speaker 1: versus the fires department. So I'm gonna go to the 105 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,760 Speaker 1: RG Cares I'll walk into the urgent care and immediately 106 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:07,800 Speaker 1: as soon as I walk in, the lady sitting at 107 00:05:07,839 --> 00:05:10,560 Speaker 1: the front desk it's like, we can't help you, we can't, 108 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,800 Speaker 1: Like she literally starts backing away from me. So I 109 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,160 Speaker 1: don't know what my face is doing. Now. I don't 110 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,880 Speaker 1: believe that my face was ever distorted, because they didn't 111 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,560 Speaker 1: feel distorted and didn't look distorted. But there was something 112 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 1: about me that she realized I was out of her purview, 113 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,400 Speaker 1: like I was above her pay grade. Okay, So I 114 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:30,480 Speaker 1: was like, ma'am, Like I'm literally like, ma'am, please, let's 115 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,400 Speaker 1: let's be reasonable. Calm down. Can you at least just 116 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:35,280 Speaker 1: take my vitals. That's all I'm here for, Just take 117 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,599 Speaker 1: my vitals. And then she's like, we need to call 118 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,440 Speaker 1: the ambulms. We need to call. You need to go. 119 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,560 Speaker 1: Like she's like, really, like you need to go, you 120 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,480 Speaker 1: need to go through the yard. So I was like, okay, well, 121 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,640 Speaker 1: can you just just check my vitals? So she's like, 122 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,760 Speaker 1: I have to get permission from my supervisor. So she 123 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,119 Speaker 1: like goes in the back. She comes out, she's like, okay, 124 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,560 Speaker 1: my supervisor said I can check your vitals. But then 125 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,279 Speaker 1: you need to go to the to the er, like 126 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,480 Speaker 1: we can call an ambulance for you, and so I 127 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,679 Speaker 1: was like, I'm fine. So they checked my vital and 128 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,840 Speaker 1: everything looked great. My blood pressure was normal, my heart 129 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,760 Speaker 1: rate was normal, I've got oxygen flowing through my system. 130 00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 1: Like everything was good. So what do I think. I'm fine? 131 00:06:12,279 --> 00:06:13,680 Speaker 1: So I get on the phone with one of my 132 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,880 Speaker 1: girlfriends who's a nurse, and she's like, dang, no, you 133 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,400 Speaker 1: need to go to the er. I'm like, no, I 134 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:19,400 Speaker 1: need to go home and take an out. So I 135 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,359 Speaker 1: go home and I take an out and so I 136 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:25,000 Speaker 1: wake up and I feel better, like everything is back 137 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:28,960 Speaker 1: to normal. My vision is restored, everything's great, no more Tingly, 138 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,640 Speaker 1: left side of my body wasn't numb anymore. And I 139 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 1: was like, well, praise the Lord. And I thought I 140 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:38,560 Speaker 1: was okay until it happened again. So then I call 141 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,560 Speaker 1: my doctor. Now it's a weekend, okay, So I call 142 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:43,000 Speaker 1: my doctor. I had to leave a voicemail and let 143 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,479 Speaker 1: them know what's going on, and I was like, you know, 144 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,000 Speaker 1: I need to come in on Monday when you all open, 145 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,880 Speaker 1: because this is kind of Craig Gray at this point, y'all. 146 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:54,479 Speaker 1: On Monday, my doctor calls and I go to a doctor. 147 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:56,520 Speaker 1: I've been going to him for like eighteen years. It's 148 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,320 Speaker 1: one doctor and one nurse, so they know me pretty well. 149 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,960 Speaker 1: So my nurse calls me. Your name is Jennifer and 150 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:06,039 Speaker 1: she laid me out. She was like, I cannot believe 151 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,960 Speaker 1: you did not go to the emergency room. What were 152 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,120 Speaker 1: you thinking? You could have had an str ok? E 153 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:11,920 Speaker 1: da da da da da da da. And I was like, 154 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 1: you know, I just didn't want to wait. And she's like, Dan, 155 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:16,320 Speaker 1: if you would have walked into the er and told 156 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,000 Speaker 1: them I think I'm having an str ok, they would 157 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,120 Speaker 1: have seen you immediately. And I was like, well, nobody 158 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,520 Speaker 1: told me that. I mean, all of this could have 159 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,160 Speaker 1: been avoided if I would have known that, right, So 160 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,520 Speaker 1: why am I telling you this crazy story other than 161 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 1: to embarrass my hard head itself. One. I believe in 162 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,840 Speaker 1: doctors and if your doctor says goes to the er, 163 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,240 Speaker 1: or any medical professional says to go to the er, 164 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,560 Speaker 1: go But the reason I'm telling you this story is 165 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,680 Speaker 1: because there was a situation that I was trying to 166 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:47,680 Speaker 1: avoid and it could have turned out really, really bad. Now, 167 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,960 Speaker 1: the conclusion to that story is I was indeed fine. 168 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,880 Speaker 1: I did have an MRI because my doctor did not 169 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,520 Speaker 1: believe me. She's like, I don't believe that you're fine. 170 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 1: I don't believe this. Something like this happens and you're 171 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,440 Speaker 1: just normal, so we're gonna do it MRIs. So I 172 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:03,679 Speaker 1: had to have it, and they did not see anything 173 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 1: other than maybe an old sinus infection, like scarring from 174 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,600 Speaker 1: a sinus infection, something silly. I don't know, but I 175 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,240 Speaker 1: did not have an SDR oke. There's nothing on my 176 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,080 Speaker 1: brain showing that. And I don't know why that whole 177 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,360 Speaker 1: situation happened. Maybe God just knew I needed a good 178 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,040 Speaker 1: story to bring up years later on a podcast. But 179 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,880 Speaker 1: my point to you in telling you that story is 180 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:26,920 Speaker 1: there are times that we avoid the conversations that need 181 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:32,000 Speaker 1: to happen because we're afraid of the truth. Why didn't 182 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,760 Speaker 1: I go to the er. Yes, I didn't want to 183 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,520 Speaker 1: wait for six to eight hours, but if I'm really honest, 184 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:40,880 Speaker 1: I also was afraid that they would tell me that 185 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,320 Speaker 1: I'm having an str oke and I didn't want to 186 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,680 Speaker 1: face that, even though that may have been the truth 187 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:49,079 Speaker 1: glaring me in my face. And this is the truth, friends, 188 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:53,880 Speaker 1: If we continue to avoid these conversations. Then what happens 189 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 1: is it just gets worse. You see, avoiding the problem 190 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 1: doesn't make it go away at all. You know that 191 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:06,880 Speaker 1: avoiding does not keep the peace. It simply postpones the pain. 192 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:09,880 Speaker 1: Now again, in my situation, I think it was the 193 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,480 Speaker 1: Good Lord who just had mercy on my crazy soul 194 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,760 Speaker 1: and was like, let's just heal her. Okay, heal her 195 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:20,280 Speaker 1: because she's not going to the er. But it could 196 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:23,120 Speaker 1: have been a lot worse than that. And so I 197 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:24,880 Speaker 1: want you to think about what are some of the 198 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:29,960 Speaker 1: conversations that you are avoiding in your relationship that you 199 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,360 Speaker 1: need to have. I'm going to give you eight and 200 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:35,120 Speaker 1: then we're going to talk about how to actually have 201 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,720 Speaker 1: those conversations. And then I'm going to tell you another 202 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 1: story that's really gonna help to tie this all together. 203 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:42,880 Speaker 1: But before we do all that, we have to take 204 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:45,959 Speaker 1: a quick break for a word from our sponsor. Don't 205 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,360 Speaker 1: go anywhere as a matter of fact, joining the commercial break, 206 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,480 Speaker 1: take this time to subscribe or follow the podcast that 207 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:55,280 Speaker 1: you haven't already And also, if you have not already 208 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,600 Speaker 1: checked out my free devotional for my brand new books 209 00:09:58,679 --> 00:10:02,120 Speaker 1: Right and True, you can have over to Danasha dot com, 210 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:06,120 Speaker 1: Forward slash, Tried and Truped and get your free debo. 211 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,120 Speaker 1: I'll tell you more about it after the break. All right, 212 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:13,720 Speaker 1: we'll be right back. All right, my friends, Well we're back. 213 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:17,679 Speaker 1: Before the break. I was telling you my crazy story 214 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,720 Speaker 1: about why I didn't go to the er, and the 215 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:23,800 Speaker 1: real reason is because I was afraid. And I think, 216 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:28,280 Speaker 1: if we're honest, fear is usually the driving factor that 217 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,160 Speaker 1: keeps us stuck in many areas of our lives, not 218 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:34,679 Speaker 1: just this area. So how do I get around fear? 219 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:36,840 Speaker 1: I am a person who has dealt with many fears 220 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,960 Speaker 1: throughout my life, and one of the things that helps 221 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,160 Speaker 1: me is to ask myself what am I afraid of? 222 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:47,200 Speaker 1: Like sit with that question and think about it. Don't 223 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:50,040 Speaker 1: just ask yourself a rhetorical question and then go wash 224 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,760 Speaker 1: the dishes or something like. Ask yourself the question and 225 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:56,079 Speaker 1: then answer the question, like, sit with it. What am 226 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,960 Speaker 1: I afraid of? So in my case, it was what 227 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,360 Speaker 1: if I'm having an s t r OK. I'm afraid 228 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,959 Speaker 1: that I'm gonna have limited mobility. I'm afraid that I 229 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,920 Speaker 1: could I'm afraid that I could die. I'm afraid that 230 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:11,400 Speaker 1: my kids are gonna be left without a mom. I'm afraid, like, 231 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,360 Speaker 1: let yourself go there? And why why would you do 232 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,160 Speaker 1: that to yourself? Right? Why would you let yourself think 233 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,120 Speaker 1: about the worst? Well, because the next question that you're 234 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:21,520 Speaker 1: gonna ask yourself is what's the worst that can happen? 235 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:26,120 Speaker 1: What's the worst that can happen? If I die? God 236 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,640 Speaker 1: forbid that I'm going to heaven? If I am having 237 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:32,000 Speaker 1: an scr okae and I don't die and I have 238 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:35,520 Speaker 1: limited mobility, is that the worst that can happen? Like, 239 00:11:35,679 --> 00:11:38,319 Speaker 1: ask yourself that, let yourself answer those questions, and then 240 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:42,880 Speaker 1: the next question is and then what so what am 241 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,960 Speaker 1: I afraid of? What's the worst that can happen? And 242 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:49,440 Speaker 1: then what I'm telling you all this has saved my 243 00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:54,280 Speaker 1: life in so many situations, big situations, little situations. I'm 244 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,080 Speaker 1: afraid to go and introduce myself to somebody. Why am 245 00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:59,480 Speaker 1: I afraid? This isn't who I am, This isn't like 246 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,120 Speaker 1: me at all? Why am I afraid? Why am I 247 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:04,640 Speaker 1: holding myself back? Then I ask myself the next question, right, 248 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:07,480 Speaker 1: which is what's the worst that can happen? Oh my gosh, 249 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,440 Speaker 1: they can reject me, they can say get out of here, 250 00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:11,000 Speaker 1: you lady, we don't want to talk to you. Whatever 251 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,800 Speaker 1: it is, like, what's the worst that can happen? And 252 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 1: then the next question is and then what So use 253 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,680 Speaker 1: that template for the situations in your life that cause 254 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,360 Speaker 1: you fear. So I want you to keep that little 255 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,720 Speaker 1: template in mind, and we're going to get into what 256 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:29,880 Speaker 1: these eight conversations are. So in a lot of marriages, 257 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:33,360 Speaker 1: you have usually one spouse who's the talker and then 258 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,640 Speaker 1: the other spouse who's the avoid That's usually how it is. 259 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,480 Speaker 1: Now you might have a rare marriage where you have 260 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:43,040 Speaker 1: two talkers or two avoids. That can happen, but in 261 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,160 Speaker 1: most marriages you're going to have one who's one way 262 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,600 Speaker 1: and the other who's another way, because opposite is attract 263 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:51,640 Speaker 1: So just know who you are. Like, if you're the 264 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,520 Speaker 1: avoid this conversation is going to hit you right on 265 00:12:54,559 --> 00:12:57,040 Speaker 1: the nose. If you're the talker, it's also going to 266 00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:59,360 Speaker 1: encourage you because I'm going to help you to be 267 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:02,240 Speaker 1: able to have conversations in a way that your avoiding 268 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:07,240 Speaker 1: spouse actually participates in. So there's a story in the Bible, 269 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:10,240 Speaker 1: and I've included it in my book Tried and True. 270 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,880 Speaker 1: It's the story of Isaac and Rebecca. If you don't 271 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,079 Speaker 1: know that story, you have to flip over to Genesis 272 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:19,440 Speaker 1: in chapter twenty five. And Isaac and Rebecca were a 273 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,560 Speaker 1: hot mess. Okay, I've talked about these hot mess relationships 274 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,880 Speaker 1: a lot because so many of them were hot messes. 275 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 1: In Isaac and Rebecca's story, they really dealt with favoritism 276 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,000 Speaker 1: of their children. They had twin boys, Jacob and Esau. 277 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:37,319 Speaker 1: Isaac favored Esau, Rebecca favored Jacob, and this caused a 278 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:40,000 Speaker 1: lot of problems in their marriage. It caused problems in 279 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 1: their parenting, and eventually it caused a huge rift in 280 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:47,320 Speaker 1: their family that still has ramifications to this day in 281 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,440 Speaker 1: the Middle East. All Right, So I want to focus 282 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,880 Speaker 1: on this story real quick, because there were many conversations 283 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:57,160 Speaker 1: that Isaac and Rebecca needed to have about their parenting, 284 00:13:57,679 --> 00:14:02,880 Speaker 1: about their fears, about their favorite artism, about Isaac's fears 285 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:06,079 Speaker 1: even that he had, and where he fit in the 286 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,680 Speaker 1: whole order of God's covenant. Like, there was a lot 287 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:13,800 Speaker 1: going on in this marriage, and there were many conversations 288 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:17,040 Speaker 1: that they avoided, and I believe that if they would 289 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:20,360 Speaker 1: have had those conversations, they could have saved their family 290 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:25,320 Speaker 1: and avoided this huge rift that happened, and potentially we today, 291 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 1: thousands and thousands of years later, would not still be 292 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:35,360 Speaker 1: walking out their failures. So maybe in your marriage you 293 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:39,400 Speaker 1: also have conversations that you're avoiding about children. That's not 294 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:42,320 Speaker 1: one of the eight, but it certainly could be right 295 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,040 Speaker 1: And if so, then just kind of keep that in 296 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,280 Speaker 1: the back of your mind. We're going to go through 297 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:51,080 Speaker 1: these eight conversations and then again I'm gonna help you 298 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,640 Speaker 1: to start to have more productive conversations. Okay, So the 299 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,040 Speaker 1: first conversation that I think that many of us are 300 00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:01,720 Speaker 1: avoiding is the conversation of unmet expectations. We all have 301 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:05,800 Speaker 1: one when I do premarital counseling. This is one of 302 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:10,680 Speaker 1: the first lessons that we talk about unmet expectations or 303 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:16,400 Speaker 1: act technically, it's unspoken expectations and unmet needs. Why because 304 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:20,360 Speaker 1: we all go into marriage with expectations. We think that 305 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,520 Speaker 1: marriage is supposed to look a certain way. We believe 306 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,600 Speaker 1: our spouse is supposed to treat us a certain way. 307 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,280 Speaker 1: We think that we are going to respond a certain way, 308 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,520 Speaker 1: and then you get married and none of that happens. 309 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,720 Speaker 1: And if you're not talking about it, then you're going 310 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:38,160 Speaker 1: to build up number two, which is resentment. Resentment is 311 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 1: the second conversation that many people are avoiding. You don't 312 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,960 Speaker 1: talk about your resentments. You either pretend that they're not there. 313 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:49,400 Speaker 1: You pray them away, so you think. But the thing 314 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,840 Speaker 1: about prayer, prayer work. So don't get me wrong. Okay, 315 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:55,200 Speaker 1: I love prayer. Prayer works, but prayer does not work 316 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:59,280 Speaker 1: if you're still holding onto the unforgiveness, the bitterness that 317 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:03,160 Speaker 1: is feeding the resentments. So you've got to be willing 318 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:08,280 Speaker 1: to release the unforgiveness, release the bitterness so that the 319 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:13,040 Speaker 1: resentment will lose its power. Okay, if you don't do that, 320 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,520 Speaker 1: then you can pray to your blue in the face, 321 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:20,520 Speaker 1: but you're still going to feel resentful. So unmet expectations 322 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,120 Speaker 1: the first conversation that I believe many people are avoiding. 323 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:27,280 Speaker 1: The second conversation is resentment caused by unhealed wounds, past trauma, 324 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,840 Speaker 1: even small little things. You know, the Bible says it's 325 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 1: the little thoughtses that destroy the vineyards. Sometimes it's not 326 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,360 Speaker 1: the great, big, huge things. And that again is what 327 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,600 Speaker 1: tried and true is about. We're not talking about these 328 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:41,560 Speaker 1: major catastrophic stories, even though some of them are some 329 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,160 Speaker 1: of them are pretty catastrophic. But then there are other 330 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:48,040 Speaker 1: stories in this book that are not as quote big, 331 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:52,440 Speaker 1: but they still cause disconnection. So if you're dealing with 332 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:56,960 Speaker 1: unmet expectations, if you're dealing with resentment, these are conversations 333 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,440 Speaker 1: that I want to encourage you to have, and I'm 334 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,040 Speaker 1: going to tell you how in just a moment. But 335 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,560 Speaker 1: the third conversation that I think a lot of couples 336 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:06,960 Speaker 1: are avoiding is the conversation about boundaries. Boundaries. Now, I've 337 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,760 Speaker 1: done podcast episodes on boundaries. I will link to some 338 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,800 Speaker 1: of those. I have done workshops on boundaries. I mean, 339 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,480 Speaker 1: this is one of the things that I'd love to 340 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:18,240 Speaker 1: talk about. It's something that I teach in corporate settings, churches, 341 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:23,919 Speaker 1: one on one because every relationship needs boundaries, not just 342 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,359 Speaker 1: broken relationships. So if you're thinking, well, my marriage is 343 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:29,639 Speaker 1: pretty healthy, Yes, we need some help with some of 344 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:32,760 Speaker 1: our conversations, but we really don't need any boundaries, I'm 345 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:37,480 Speaker 1: sorry to tell you that you were incorrect. Every relationship 346 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,560 Speaker 1: needs boundaries, and because many people do not know that 347 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:43,240 Speaker 1: they even need boundaries or how to set them, then 348 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:49,199 Speaker 1: naturally they avoid the conversations surrounding boundaries. The fourth conversation 349 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:52,280 Speaker 1: that I believe many people are avoiding is the conversations 350 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:56,320 Speaker 1: around disappointments. Now, if you listened to last week's episode 351 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:59,639 Speaker 1: and did a whole conversation on why is marriage harder 352 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,600 Speaker 1: than I expected, it's a conversation about disappointment. Again, we 353 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,760 Speaker 1: expect things to be one way, and then we find 354 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 1: out that they're actually a different way, and that causes 355 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:13,879 Speaker 1: us not just resentment, but before resentment takes hold, it 356 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:18,760 Speaker 1: causes disappointment. And I truly believe that if you do 357 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:23,440 Speaker 1: not deal with your disappointments regularly, you are going to 358 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:31,600 Speaker 1: destroy your intimacy absolutely hands down. So the conversations about disappointment, 359 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,919 Speaker 1: many people are not telling their spouse, Hey, when you 360 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,000 Speaker 1: told me that you were going to pick me up 361 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,200 Speaker 1: at a certain time and you were thirty minutes late, 362 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:42,280 Speaker 1: I was really disappointed, you know. I felt unloved, I 363 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:47,439 Speaker 1: felt uncared for, I felt untaken care of, invalidated, whatever 364 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:49,359 Speaker 1: the word is that you might want to use. No 365 00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:53,359 Speaker 1: one's having those conversations. And so then again the disappointment 366 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:56,879 Speaker 1: then turns into bitterness. Bitterness turns into resentment, resentment turns 367 00:18:56,880 --> 00:19:00,680 Speaker 1: into contempt, and now you're filing papers because your spouse 368 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:02,520 Speaker 1: is starting minutes late, and you never talked about it. 369 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,560 Speaker 1: I mean, I know that's an oversimplification of the whole process, 370 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,520 Speaker 1: but you understand what I'm saying. We've got to be 371 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,600 Speaker 1: able to start having these conversations about disappointment, all right. 372 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:19,280 Speaker 1: Number five loneliness and marriage. There is no greater loneliness 373 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:24,879 Speaker 1: than the loneliness that you experience and marriage. Why because 374 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:28,000 Speaker 1: the person that you're connected to is supposed to be 375 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:34,600 Speaker 1: your companion. They're supposed to be the antidote for your loneliness. 376 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,040 Speaker 1: And so when you do not have a strong connection 377 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:42,920 Speaker 1: with your spouse, it is heartbreaking and it can be 378 00:19:43,119 --> 00:19:47,000 Speaker 1: very difficult to bring that conversation up. So a lot 379 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,520 Speaker 1: of people just simply avoid it. They don't talk about 380 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:57,679 Speaker 1: the loneliness that they're experiencing. Number six Trust issues. Trust 381 00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:02,240 Speaker 1: issues especially if your marriage and listen to me closely, 382 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:06,000 Speaker 1: if your marriage has been restored from a past betrayal, 383 00:20:06,359 --> 00:20:08,440 Speaker 1: do you know that it can be even more difficult 384 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,520 Speaker 1: to talk about trust issues then? Why? Because you don't 385 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:15,280 Speaker 1: want to rock the boat. Everything is good, we're doing good. 386 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,000 Speaker 1: I don't want to bring up something that might open 387 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:23,720 Speaker 1: up the can of worms. And so this conversation goes unspoken, 388 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:27,639 Speaker 1: and then God forbid, something is happening that should have 389 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,159 Speaker 1: been addressed when it was little has now had the 390 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:35,920 Speaker 1: opportunity to grow into this big betrayal again. So have 391 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:40,800 Speaker 1: those conversations. Okay. Number seven. Another conversation that many of 392 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:44,879 Speaker 1: us avoid is conversations about the future. Listen, I don't 393 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:48,399 Speaker 1: love talking and thinking about death, but we're all going 394 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:51,199 Speaker 1: to die. I know that's the good news that you 395 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,679 Speaker 1: came to this podcast for right. You're gonna die and 396 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,800 Speaker 1: you need to talk to your spouse about what your 397 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:00,880 Speaker 1: plans are. Okay, now, hopefully you're plans are to go 398 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:04,080 Speaker 1: and spend eternity with Jesus. I'm not talking about that. 399 00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:08,360 Speaker 1: I'm talking about your life insurance, your burial, your who 400 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,320 Speaker 1: gets what? Right? Like having the the conversations, the end 401 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:14,840 Speaker 1: of life conversations need to happen. But when I say 402 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,480 Speaker 1: the future, I'm not just talking about death. I'm talking 403 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,840 Speaker 1: about life. I'm talking about what do we want to 404 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,600 Speaker 1: do when we retire? How much money have we put 405 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:26,680 Speaker 1: aside for retirement? Can we afford to live this lifestyle 406 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,359 Speaker 1: that we both dream about? How much money do you 407 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,679 Speaker 1: have saved up? How much money have you borrowed against 408 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,800 Speaker 1: your four oh one k? God forbid? Like, those are 409 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:38,760 Speaker 1: the conversations that people need to have that are largely 410 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:42,480 Speaker 1: being avoided. Conversations about the future, Okay, and then the 411 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,200 Speaker 1: eighth and final conversation for the purposes of this podcast, 412 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,200 Speaker 1: obviously we could probably think of one hundred more conversations, right, 413 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:52,200 Speaker 1: but the eighth and final conversation is conversations about our 414 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:56,400 Speaker 1: winds WI and as our wins. What does that mean? Well, 415 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,719 Speaker 1: a lot of times it's not just the failures that 416 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:04,440 Speaker 1: we avoid talking about. Sometimes it's the successes, especially if 417 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,240 Speaker 1: you have a marriage where you and your spouse like 418 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:11,640 Speaker 1: secretly compete against each other, and you know that it's 419 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,840 Speaker 1: a problem. You know that if you tell your spouse 420 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:17,440 Speaker 1: that you got promotion and they just got fired, that's 421 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,880 Speaker 1: going to cause a problem. If you tell your spouse that, 422 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:25,760 Speaker 1: like you just had a breakthrough conversation with someone and 423 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,360 Speaker 1: they're still struggling in a relationship, or you just tell 424 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:30,359 Speaker 1: your spouse that you're really growing in your faith and 425 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:34,359 Speaker 1: they're struggling in theirs. Like, sometimes the wins that we have, 426 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,920 Speaker 1: the good things, the successful things, that we have going 427 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:43,879 Speaker 1: on cause us to avoid conversation. So maybe again, you 428 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,679 Speaker 1: found yourself in all eight of these and maybe you're 429 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,080 Speaker 1: thinking just one or two. Okay, what do we do 430 00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:51,560 Speaker 1: about this? All right? This is how we're going to 431 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,280 Speaker 1: fix this. Okay, friends and listen. This is why I 432 00:22:54,359 --> 00:22:58,560 Speaker 1: talk about conversation starters so much. I have a whole 433 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:02,480 Speaker 1: free pdf for you. It's a free resource called Conversation 434 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,800 Speaker 1: Starters for Couples in Conflict. If you've not already downloaded that, 435 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,640 Speaker 1: you can get it at Danashaye dot com Ford slash 436 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:13,560 Speaker 1: Conversation Starters. There's conversation Starters and Tried and True. There's 437 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:17,000 Speaker 1: conversation Starters and the Tried and True free devotional that 438 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:19,920 Speaker 1: you can download at danashay dot com fort slash Tride 439 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,680 Speaker 1: and True. I talk about this so much because it's 440 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,680 Speaker 1: one thing for me to say, have the conversation. It's 441 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:28,159 Speaker 1: another thing for you to be like, but how like 442 00:23:28,359 --> 00:23:31,280 Speaker 1: literally give me the words to say out of my mouth. 443 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,760 Speaker 1: And this is what I'm doing for you today. I'm 444 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:38,720 Speaker 1: giving you some of these conversation starters. So think about 445 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:43,960 Speaker 1: when I was telling you about my possible str oke situation. Right, 446 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:46,800 Speaker 1: if I would have had. Now in that case, it 447 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:49,600 Speaker 1: wasn't necessarily conversation I need to have with Sean or 448 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,800 Speaker 1: with my doctor, because I did that. It was really 449 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:53,720 Speaker 1: more of a conversation I need to have with myself. 450 00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:56,960 Speaker 1: And so that template, that three part template that I 451 00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:00,000 Speaker 1: gave you, what am I afraid of? What's the worst? Second? 452 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:03,560 Speaker 1: And then what? There you go. Those are some conversation 453 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:07,399 Speaker 1: starters if you need to have conversations with yourself. But 454 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:08,919 Speaker 1: then I want you to think about, what are some 455 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,560 Speaker 1: other conversation starters that you need to have concerning someone else, 456 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:16,520 Speaker 1: your spouse in those eight other situations. Okay, those eight 457 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:19,160 Speaker 1: different conversations that were avoiding. The first thing I want 458 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,280 Speaker 1: to tell you is, and I mentioned this at the 459 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,400 Speaker 1: beginning of the episode, you have to learn to reframe 460 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:28,679 Speaker 1: the goal of your conversation. So going into the conversation 461 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:31,879 Speaker 1: with we're gonna fix this. I'm gonna set him straight. 462 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,520 Speaker 1: I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind. That's 463 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:36,440 Speaker 1: not gonna work out. I'm just telling you it's not 464 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:39,399 Speaker 1: gonna work out. You're setting yourself up for disappointment. But 465 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,360 Speaker 1: if you say, hey, I'm gonna go into this conversation 466 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,359 Speaker 1: because I really want to help my spouse to understand 467 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,400 Speaker 1: why I think distant, To help my spouse to understand 468 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:50,000 Speaker 1: what's going on in my brain, to help my spouse 469 00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:53,000 Speaker 1: understand why I still have trust issues even though we've 470 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,280 Speaker 1: been on a good track for two years. This is 471 00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:58,480 Speaker 1: a good place to start, Okay. So two of the 472 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,280 Speaker 1: best ways that you could start conversations, and you've heard 473 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,080 Speaker 1: me say this before if you've listened to the show, 474 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,679 Speaker 1: is I statements. I talk about I statements all the 475 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:09,919 Speaker 1: time because they're so simple, but they're so effective. So 476 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:13,240 Speaker 1: an I statement is essentially you starting off with what 477 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:17,040 Speaker 1: is going on inside of you. You're not making an accusation. 478 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,960 Speaker 1: You're giving information. Okay, so you're not telling your spouse. 479 00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:25,399 Speaker 1: Let's use the trust issue conversation for example, you're not 480 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,080 Speaker 1: telling your spouse you know what, It's been two years 481 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,080 Speaker 1: and we've been on a good track, but I don't 482 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:33,680 Speaker 1: think I can trust you when you came in late 483 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:36,359 Speaker 1: the other day. Yeah, we need to talk about that 484 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:40,119 Speaker 1: because we have some trust issues. That sounds like an 485 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:44,000 Speaker 1: accusation and it sounds like a fight, and because you 486 00:25:44,119 --> 00:25:46,159 Speaker 1: know that in your mind, you're gonna avoid it, and 487 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,600 Speaker 1: because your spouse is going to hear that they're not 488 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,879 Speaker 1: going to participate in that conversation. So how do you 489 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:57,000 Speaker 1: use an I statement here? It is, Hey, this conversation 490 00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:00,280 Speaker 1: is really hard for me to talk about because I 491 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:02,080 Speaker 1: don't want to rock the boat. Like, just put it 492 00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:04,600 Speaker 1: out there. Whatever your emotion is, whatever your fear is, 493 00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:06,879 Speaker 1: just put it out there. I don't want to rock 494 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:10,040 Speaker 1: the boat. I don't want you to think that I'm nitpicking. 495 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:13,679 Speaker 1: I don't want us to go backwards. Whatever it is, 496 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,520 Speaker 1: you start there and then you use the I statement. 497 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:20,520 Speaker 1: An I statement is what you have experienced and what 498 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:24,960 Speaker 1: you need to happen. Write what you feel. So this 499 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:28,240 Speaker 1: conversation is really hard for me because I don't want 500 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:33,480 Speaker 1: to rock the boat. But I feel really insecure when 501 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:36,560 Speaker 1: you come home super late at night. I know we've 502 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:38,480 Speaker 1: done a lot of work to rebuild our trust, and 503 00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:41,920 Speaker 1: I'm proud of us, but I need this is important. 504 00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:44,800 Speaker 1: So you said, I feel right, I feel insecure when 505 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:50,040 Speaker 1: you come home late. I need you to please start 506 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:53,639 Speaker 1: coming home at a reasonable time, or I need you 507 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,000 Speaker 1: to call me if you're going to be running late 508 00:26:57,280 --> 00:27:01,000 Speaker 1: something like that. Don't just leave him hanging with feel insecure? 509 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:04,399 Speaker 1: What do you need, ma'am or sir, let your spouse 510 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,520 Speaker 1: know what you need. So that's a beautiful conversation starter 511 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:12,680 Speaker 1: using an I statement another conversation, and this isn't really 512 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:16,399 Speaker 1: a starter per se, but it's also as you're having 513 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:22,640 Speaker 1: the conversation, to allow for some taking of turns. Okay, 514 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,640 Speaker 1: I'm laughing because I'm telling on myself, y'all. I am 515 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,080 Speaker 1: a talker. Okay, I talk for a living. I'm a speaker. 516 00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:30,760 Speaker 1: I'm a podcast host. You know, I talk all the time. Right, 517 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:34,119 Speaker 1: So when I'm having these conversations with Sean, I have 518 00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:36,639 Speaker 1: to remember he's not such a talker, so I have 519 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,359 Speaker 1: to let the conversation breathe for a little bit. And 520 00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,040 Speaker 1: he always does this, like when we're talking to the 521 00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:44,000 Speaker 1: kids together about something serious, he'll tap me on my knee. 522 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:46,520 Speaker 1: And that's like, Dana, be quiet, you talked long enough, right, 523 00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:48,680 Speaker 1: And so I have to remember that because he's not 524 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,280 Speaker 1: on tap me on my knee if I'm talking to him, 525 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:52,879 Speaker 1: because he knows what's good for him. So I have 526 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:56,240 Speaker 1: to let the conversation breathe. It's okay to take a 527 00:27:56,240 --> 00:28:02,160 Speaker 1: little pause, right, let the conversation read, because in that breathing, 528 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,760 Speaker 1: your spouse might say something really profound, or a new 529 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:09,720 Speaker 1: idea might come to you, or you realize my mission 530 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:12,879 Speaker 1: has been accomplished. I've let them know how I feel, 531 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:15,720 Speaker 1: and now we can go on to the next part 532 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:19,160 Speaker 1: of the conversation, which is coming back a different day, 533 00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:24,400 Speaker 1: leave space to have a follow up conversation. There's nothing 534 00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:27,240 Speaker 1: wrong with that. Everything does not have to be solved 535 00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,720 Speaker 1: in one conversation. So if you went into the conversation 536 00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:32,719 Speaker 1: and your goal was I want to let my spouse 537 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:36,720 Speaker 1: know that I'm feeling some disconnection and I want to 538 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:39,360 Speaker 1: nip it in the bud before it grows, well, if 539 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:44,719 Speaker 1: you accomplish that purpose, great, that conversation is over. And 540 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:47,240 Speaker 1: if you feel like things are unresolved, then you can 541 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,760 Speaker 1: just simply say, okay, are we good here? I do 542 00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:51,760 Speaker 1: this a lot with Sean. Are we good? Are we 543 00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:55,840 Speaker 1: good here? And if it answer is yes, then it's okay. Great. 544 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,520 Speaker 1: Or if you're like, I really feel like there's more 545 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,320 Speaker 1: that I want to talk to you about, can we 546 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:05,440 Speaker 1: talk again tomorrow? That is so effective because now you're 547 00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:08,000 Speaker 1: lowering the pressure that we've got to solve all of 548 00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:10,920 Speaker 1: these problems in one day and this is our final 549 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:15,080 Speaker 1: point today. You also rob yourself of a win. If 550 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:17,760 Speaker 1: you were able to communicate your needs to your spouse 551 00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 1: and they listen, that is a win. So go with it, 552 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:27,160 Speaker 1: be happy about that, celebrate it, and then come back 553 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:34,320 Speaker 1: for another episode, another session, another conversation for another day. Well, 554 00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:36,600 Speaker 1: I hope that this has been really helpful for you. 555 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,800 Speaker 1: If you all practice what I am teaching you on 556 00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:45,320 Speaker 1: this podcast, you were going to notice significant increases in 557 00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:49,400 Speaker 1: your communication skills. Significant. Whether it's with your spouse, you 558 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,360 Speaker 1: can use these same principles on your job, with your children, 559 00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:56,840 Speaker 1: your friends, whomever. So have the conversations that need to 560 00:29:56,840 --> 00:29:58,840 Speaker 1: be had. This is my little homework for you. Okay, 561 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:01,840 Speaker 1: I want you to think about what are two conversations 562 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:05,680 Speaker 1: that I have been avoiding? What are two and then 563 00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:11,840 Speaker 1: choose the easiest one and start it. Okay, no more procrastigatating, 564 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:14,960 Speaker 1: no more delay, No more I gotta pray about No 565 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,560 Speaker 1: we pray about it enough. Thus, stay of the Lord. 566 00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:23,320 Speaker 1: If it is time to talk if okay, So, thanks 567 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:25,480 Speaker 1: so much for listening. I know I've thrown a lot 568 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:28,800 Speaker 1: of resources at you today. Get the conversation starters if 569 00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:31,920 Speaker 1: you need that at Danish Shay dot comport slash conversation starters, 570 00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:35,560 Speaker 1: but I want everybody to get the free, tried and 571 00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:39,000 Speaker 1: True five day devotional. You can find that at Danahshay 572 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:43,040 Speaker 1: dot com Forward slash Tried and True. I'm so excited 573 00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:45,160 Speaker 1: about this new book. I believe you're gonna love it. 574 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,040 Speaker 1: I loved writing it, and I cannot wait for you 575 00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:50,640 Speaker 1: to get your hands on More details on that coming up, 576 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:52,960 Speaker 1: But in the meantime, I hope you've had an incredible day. 577 00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:56,080 Speaker 1: If you're listening to this podcast in real time, Happy 578 00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:59,040 Speaker 1: New Year. New Year is just around the corner, and 579 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:01,400 Speaker 1: I can't wait to talk to you on our next episode. 580 00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:01,960 Speaker 1: Take care,