WEBVTT - 4 Tips on Sharing Your Feelings Without Making Matters Worse in Your Relationship [Sweet Repeat] 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.920 Life Audio. Are you tired of the communication problems in 0:00:06.960 --> 0:00:09.600 your relationship? Don't you wish there was some sort of 0:00:09.600 --> 0:00:11.479 a cheat sheet that could help you to learn how 0:00:11.520 --> 0:00:15.080 to de escalate arguments quickly? Well, friend, I have just 0:00:15.160 --> 0:00:18.360 the resource for you. I've created a resource called Heart 0:00:18.400 --> 0:00:22.079 to Heart Conversation Starters for couples in conflict. This is 0:00:22.120 --> 0:00:24.640 not only going to help you to de escalate those arguments, 0:00:24.800 --> 0:00:26.319 but it's also going to help you learn how to 0:00:26.360 --> 0:00:30.040 stop pointing fingers and find common ground. Get your free 0:00:30.080 --> 0:00:34.680 guide today at Danashay dot com, ford slash Conversation Starters. 0:00:34.920 --> 0:00:41.440 That's d A. N Ache dot com, Ford slash Conversation Starters. 0:00:47.320 --> 0:00:50.319 There is one topic that comes up quite often when 0:00:50.360 --> 0:00:53.600 we are talking about conflict, when we are talking about communication, 0:00:54.280 --> 0:00:57.080 and this is true for men and for women. How 0:00:57.120 --> 0:00:59.400 do I actually express myself? How do I express my 0:00:59.480 --> 0:01:02.880 feelings to my spouse or my partner without starting a 0:01:02.920 --> 0:01:05.920 misunderstanding or without making it worse or starting a fight 0:01:06.319 --> 0:01:08.959 or fill in the blank, however you would actually describe 0:01:09.160 --> 0:01:13.320 that particular sentiment. I've actually felt this in my own marriage. 0:01:13.800 --> 0:01:17.280 How do I actually tell Sean how I'm feeling without 0:01:17.400 --> 0:01:20.319 making the problem worse, how do I actually tell him 0:01:20.440 --> 0:01:24.360 how I feel without him feeling attacked or judged or 0:01:24.840 --> 0:01:28.000 us now starting a whole nother conflict. And maybe it's 0:01:28.040 --> 0:01:30.120 not a romantic relationship for you. It could be a 0:01:30.160 --> 0:01:32.360 work relationship or it could be a relationship that you're 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:35.160 having with your child that you really need to tell 0:01:35.200 --> 0:01:38.039 your child or your parent even how you're feeling. But 0:01:38.080 --> 0:01:41.320 you don't really know how to do that without starting 0:01:41.360 --> 0:01:45.160 something or without causing a misunderstanding. So I think that 0:01:45.200 --> 0:01:47.199 what we're going to hear today is going to be really, 0:01:47.319 --> 0:01:50.000 really important and it's going to help you. You guys, 0:01:50.000 --> 0:01:52.360 this is why I do this podcast. I don't want 0:01:52.400 --> 0:01:54.120 to just show up every week and just give you 0:01:54.160 --> 0:01:56.240 some good knowledge and you're like, yeah, that makes sense. 0:01:56.440 --> 0:01:59.240 But I really want you to begin to practice these 0:01:59.280 --> 0:02:02.559 tips in your relationships so that you can see improvement, 0:02:02.880 --> 0:02:05.600 so that you are not going into these conversations on 0:02:05.800 --> 0:02:08.880 edge or full of anxiety or fear about what's going 0:02:08.960 --> 0:02:11.880 to happen. But now you actually have a blueprint, You 0:02:11.919 --> 0:02:15.280 actually know how to show up in conversations with more 0:02:15.320 --> 0:02:19.080 confidence and more clarity. So I want to just discuss 0:02:19.120 --> 0:02:20.520 a few things. This is not going to be a 0:02:20.520 --> 0:02:23.240 long episode at all. The first thing that I want 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:25.079 to tell y'all is that, first of all, and I've 0:02:25.080 --> 0:02:30.000 said this before, that conflict is normal in a normal relationship. 0:02:30.639 --> 0:02:34.080 Conflict is normal. Now, what I did not say is 0:02:34.160 --> 0:02:37.480 throwing people down the stairs and slashing tires and yelling 0:02:37.520 --> 0:02:40.519 and screaming and all of that. That ain't normal. But 0:02:40.720 --> 0:02:44.960 having conflict in your relationship, having a disagreement with the 0:02:44.960 --> 0:02:48.200 person that you're in relationship with, that's normal. You are 0:02:48.200 --> 0:02:52.440 two different people with strengths, weaknesses, opinions, different ideas. So 0:02:52.840 --> 0:02:55.960 conflict is inevitable. So it's time that we stop being 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:58.680 afraid of it, that we stop trying to avoid it. 0:02:58.680 --> 0:03:02.200 It's going to happen. Now. If you have been in 0:03:02.200 --> 0:03:05.160 a relationship with someone, you also have likely gotten your 0:03:05.160 --> 0:03:09.680 feelings hurt. You have likely been misunderstood. There is something 0:03:09.720 --> 0:03:12.000 that that person said or did, or maybe something that 0:03:12.040 --> 0:03:14.680 you said or did that caused some sort of conflict, 0:03:14.760 --> 0:03:17.120 that caused some sort of problem, that caused an issue. 0:03:17.480 --> 0:03:19.400 And what happens a lot of times, you all, is 0:03:19.440 --> 0:03:22.680 because we have not been properly trained on how to 0:03:22.760 --> 0:03:27.280 actually have productive conversations in conflict. Most of us either 0:03:27.320 --> 0:03:31.280 shy away from conflict, we diminish the conflict, or we 0:03:31.400 --> 0:03:33.840 just full out go full steam ahead into it and 0:03:33.880 --> 0:03:35.600 we don't really know how to get out of it. 0:03:36.160 --> 0:03:40.640 As you produce more confidence, I think in yourself, and 0:03:40.680 --> 0:03:45.000 as you actually develop more awareness of how you actually 0:03:45.080 --> 0:03:47.800 are feeling in the moment, that is going to give 0:03:47.840 --> 0:03:49.760 you the confidence to show up and be able to 0:03:49.840 --> 0:03:52.520 talk about that with the person that you're in relationship with. 0:03:52.800 --> 0:03:54.240 So the first thing that I want to tell you 0:03:54.480 --> 0:03:57.200 is really important that we just start here on the 0:03:57.240 --> 0:04:01.160 foundational level and understand you have the both the right 0:04:01.800 --> 0:04:07.200 and the responsibility to tell your partner how you feel. Hey, 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:09.880 everybody at Dana Sha break it into the episode real quick. 0:04:09.960 --> 0:04:12.280 To remind you that I have released a brand new 0:04:12.320 --> 0:04:16.760 online course called From Conflict to Connection, How to Communicate 0:04:16.839 --> 0:04:21.160 without fighting. Whether you're married, whether you're in a romantic relationship, 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:24.120 maybe you have coworkers or neighbors or anybody in your 0:04:24.160 --> 0:04:27.200 life that you need to connect deeper with and you're 0:04:27.240 --> 0:04:29.920 tired of all the conflict. This course is going to 0:04:29.960 --> 0:04:32.679 walk you through, step by step how to build deeper 0:04:32.680 --> 0:04:36.240 connections in spite of conflict. I believe my friends that 0:04:36.360 --> 0:04:39.240 conflict can actually be our teacher. We're going to look 0:04:39.279 --> 0:04:41.880 at things like the root of conflict, the heart of 0:04:41.920 --> 0:04:44.360 the matter. We're going to learn how to be better listeners, 0:04:44.400 --> 0:04:46.640 and your relationships are going to be all the better 0:04:46.760 --> 0:04:49.520 for it. You need this course, so be sure to 0:04:49.560 --> 0:04:53.119 head over to Danishay dot com Fort Slash Connection Course 0:04:53.360 --> 0:04:56.560 and learn all about it. Again, that's Danishay dot com 0:04:56.880 --> 0:05:00.479 Fort Slash Connection Course. There's many bonus says that I 0:05:00.480 --> 0:05:02.760 have over there for you, so be sure again head 0:05:02.760 --> 0:05:06.039 over to danashay dot com Forward Slash Connection Course. I 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:08.280 can't wait to see you all in the course. Now 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:13.440 back to our show. You have the right and the responsibility. 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:18.080 What I mean by that is you are autonomous. No 0:05:18.160 --> 0:05:22.039 one is forcing you into this relationship. You don't have 0:05:22.200 --> 0:05:24.680 to be in this relationship. Even those of you who 0:05:24.720 --> 0:05:29.080 are married. Yes, you stood before probably a priest or, 0:05:29.120 --> 0:05:31.520 a pastor, or the justice of the peace or somebody 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:35.200 who married you and you committed. You entered into a covenant. 0:05:35.720 --> 0:05:40.080 But marriage is not bondage. I promise you it's not. 0:05:40.720 --> 0:05:43.400 I know some of you are like m I don't 0:05:43.400 --> 0:05:45.279 know about that, Dana. I promise you it's not. Marriage 0:05:45.320 --> 0:05:47.520 is not bondage. You are not being forced into this. 0:05:48.120 --> 0:05:50.440 So because you're not being forced into this, you have 0:05:50.560 --> 0:05:54.040 a right. You have a right to say this is 0:05:54.080 --> 0:05:56.560 how I feel about that, this is what I think 0:05:56.600 --> 0:06:00.160 about that, this is how your comment made me feel. 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:02.279 You have a right. But not only do you have 0:06:02.320 --> 0:06:04.960 a right to say that, but you also have the 0:06:05.040 --> 0:06:08.720 responsibility to say it, because what happens is when you 0:06:08.920 --> 0:06:12.560 don't share how you're feeling, now, you leave it up 0:06:12.640 --> 0:06:15.640 to the person that you're in relationship with to guess, 0:06:16.040 --> 0:06:19.039 to fill in the gaps, to decode, to try to 0:06:19.080 --> 0:06:21.000 read your face and try to look at all the 0:06:21.000 --> 0:06:24.080 behaviors and all the things the passive aggressiveness that you're 0:06:24.120 --> 0:06:25.960 spitting out, and they have to try to make up 0:06:26.000 --> 0:06:28.640 some story and that's just too much work, Like that's 0:06:28.720 --> 0:06:31.880 just not fair. Okay, So not only should you tell 0:06:32.200 --> 0:06:35.599 how you're feeling, but you need to tell how you're 0:06:35.600 --> 0:06:39.440 feeling because how else are they going to know? And 0:06:39.480 --> 0:06:42.360 can we just stop saying, well, they should know. I've 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:45.560 known my husband since he was eight years old, Okay, 0:06:46.520 --> 0:06:49.640 I should be able to know everything about him at 0:06:49.640 --> 0:06:54.120 this point, but I don't. I need him to give 0:06:54.160 --> 0:06:57.680 me some clues. I need him to tell me why 0:06:57.720 --> 0:07:01.040 he feels that way or what he's about what I said, 0:07:01.080 --> 0:07:04.400 I can't just assume. So remember that that you have 0:07:04.480 --> 0:07:07.240 the right and the responsibility to share your feelings. So 0:07:07.320 --> 0:07:09.400 if you're in a relationship with somebody and they make 0:07:09.480 --> 0:07:11.880 you feel bad about sharing your feelings, well that's a 0:07:11.920 --> 0:07:14.840 problem and you need to tell them. Hey, I actually 0:07:14.840 --> 0:07:17.360 have the right to speak up. I have the right 0:07:17.480 --> 0:07:20.520 to tell you what I'm feeling. This isn't just you 0:07:20.560 --> 0:07:23.239 know the you show. Okay, I like, I'm a partner 0:07:23.280 --> 0:07:25.880 in this relationship with you, and so if you're making 0:07:25.880 --> 0:07:28.040 me feel some kind of way, then I have the 0:07:28.120 --> 0:07:30.560 right and the responsibility to tell you that. So the 0:07:30.600 --> 0:07:32.080 second thing that I want to tell you is this, 0:07:32.480 --> 0:07:37.600 Your feelings are how do I say this gently? Your 0:07:37.600 --> 0:07:42.600 feelings aren't factual. Okay, okay, your feelings are not factual. 0:07:43.560 --> 0:07:46.440 What I mean by that is, yes, your feelings are important, 0:07:46.600 --> 0:07:50.400 Yes they're valid. I'm not invalidating how you feel, but 0:07:50.560 --> 0:07:54.120 understand that your feelings only tell half the story, and 0:07:54.160 --> 0:07:58.560 your feelings are biased to you. Your feelings are like 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:02.520 the best friend that you have always needed and wanted. 0:08:02.920 --> 0:08:05.640 Your feelings are gonna show up for you. They're not 0:08:05.760 --> 0:08:11.680 really concerned with other people. So when you're feeling rejected, 0:08:12.240 --> 0:08:17.280 that doesn't necessarily mean that you were rejected. Hear me, Okay, 0:08:17.600 --> 0:08:20.640 I'm not saying that you're making this up, and I'm 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:23.160 not saying that you shouldn't feel that way, but you 0:08:23.280 --> 0:08:25.440 just need to understand that your feelings only tell half 0:08:25.440 --> 0:08:28.200 the story. There are so many times in my own 0:08:28.200 --> 0:08:32.080 marriage where I may have felt something, but that was 0:08:32.160 --> 0:08:35.760 not what Sean intended to do, nor is it really 0:08:35.800 --> 0:08:40.400 what happened. So the other day, prime example, Sean and 0:08:40.440 --> 0:08:44.520 I we always greet each other when we approach, like 0:08:44.520 --> 0:08:46.720 like if I'm at home and he comes in the house, right, 0:08:46.760 --> 0:08:49.000 He's gonna greet me all the time. We don't just 0:08:49.040 --> 0:08:50.719 like come in the house and like one person goes 0:08:50.800 --> 0:08:53.480 upstairs and the other person goes and starts watching TV 0:08:53.600 --> 0:08:55.760 or something like that. If one person is in the 0:08:55.760 --> 0:08:57.880 house and the other person enters, we always greet each 0:08:57.920 --> 0:09:00.360 other with a kiss, all right, and then and when 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:03.679 we leave the house, same thing. So if I'm upstairs, 0:09:03.720 --> 0:09:06.559 he will literally come find me and say hey, I'm 0:09:06.559 --> 0:09:09.160 about to run out, or he'll call me sometimes like 0:09:09.160 --> 0:09:10.800 if I'm in the bathroom or whatever. He'll call me 0:09:10.840 --> 0:09:12.640 and be like, hey, I'm about to leave. And those 0:09:12.880 --> 0:09:15.120 are rare because usually even if one of us is 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:17.240 in the bathroom, will wait and so the other person 0:09:17.240 --> 0:09:19.520 gets out so that we can give each other a kiss. 0:09:19.559 --> 0:09:22.800 And I love that about our relationship, and it's really important, y'all, 0:09:22.840 --> 0:09:24.360 just kind of as an aside that you do that, 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:26.839 because listen, life is short and you never know what's 0:09:26.840 --> 0:09:28.880 going to happen. We take life for granted so much 0:09:29.120 --> 0:09:30.480 and we're just like, oh, I'm just gonna run into 0:09:30.480 --> 0:09:32.600 the store, but don't say bye. We just disappear, and 0:09:32.600 --> 0:09:36.199 then my goodness, God forbid, something happens. The last thing 0:09:36.240 --> 0:09:39.240 that you said to that person was what So we 0:09:39.320 --> 0:09:41.840 have this value of what we do, how we greet 0:09:41.880 --> 0:09:43.800 each other, and then how we leave. So the other 0:09:43.880 --> 0:09:48.000 day Sean left and I did not get greeted goodbye, 0:09:48.080 --> 0:09:50.720 or he didn't say goodbye to me, He didn't kiss me, 0:09:50.800 --> 0:09:54.200 he didn't say goodbye, and I'm feeling right, I'm in 0:09:54.320 --> 0:09:56.640 my fields, as they say, and I'm like, no, this 0:09:56.720 --> 0:09:59.680 man didn't leave the house without kiss and may goodbye. 0:10:00.360 --> 0:10:02.320 And then what do I start doing? I start thinking 0:10:02.320 --> 0:10:05.679 did I say something wrong? Did I do something? Am 0:10:05.720 --> 0:10:08.480 I coming across like what? Like you know, I'm now 0:10:08.520 --> 0:10:10.720 I'm starting to try to figure this thing out, and 0:10:10.760 --> 0:10:13.600 I'm starting to add all this imagery and all of 0:10:13.640 --> 0:10:16.600 this stuff is happening in my mind. That is absolutely 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:20.360 unnecessary because where was Sean? He was in the driveway. 0:10:21.200 --> 0:10:23.120 Now he left the house, and I heard the alarm 0:10:23.120 --> 0:10:25.600 like you know, whatever, garage door or whatever. So like 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:29.440 I heard him leave, and I thought, this is the thing. 0:10:29.480 --> 0:10:32.839 I thought I heard his truck leaving, but he didn't leave. 0:10:33.160 --> 0:10:34.680 He was in the driveway. But he was like in 0:10:34.760 --> 0:10:37.559 the driveway doing something and he was outside for a while, 0:10:37.640 --> 0:10:41.440 so I assumed. And isn't that what we do? We 0:10:41.559 --> 0:10:46.560 make assumptions, and half the times our assumptions are not accurate. 0:10:47.559 --> 0:10:51.120 So then we attach feelings to those assumptions, and then 0:10:51.120 --> 0:10:53.880 we come up with this whole story. And now where 0:10:53.920 --> 0:10:56.640 in full out conflict with somebody They don't even know it, 0:10:56.880 --> 0:10:59.800 like he had no idea as he's outside that I'm 0:10:59.840 --> 0:11:02.280 having a whole meltdown in the kitchen because oh my gosh, 0:11:02.320 --> 0:11:05.600 you left without saying goodbye to me, And so I 0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:08.400 just want to tell you today that your feelings are 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:15.000 not factual. So trust them, Trust them, but don't give 0:11:15.040 --> 0:11:21.520 them one hundred percent full authority and credibility in your life. Okay, friends, 0:11:21.559 --> 0:11:23.440 we're going to take a quick break. I have some 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:25.440 things that I want to share with you, some tools 0:11:25.440 --> 0:11:27.480 that I think are going to help you. So we're 0:11:27.480 --> 0:11:29.400 going to take a quick break for a word from 0:11:29.440 --> 0:11:36.600 our sponsor and we'll be right back. All right, we 0:11:36.720 --> 0:11:39.280 are back you, guys. So we've been talking about how 0:11:39.280 --> 0:11:43.320 to express your feelings without causing a misunderstanding. And I 0:11:43.360 --> 0:11:45.440 hope that the last point that I said makes sense 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:48.079 to you. Guys. The feelings that you feel are valid, 0:11:48.120 --> 0:11:52.040 but they don't tell the full story. Okay. The third 0:11:52.120 --> 0:11:54.400 thing that I want to share with you is when 0:11:54.440 --> 0:11:58.920 you're expressing your feelings, you need to ask yourself why 0:11:58.960 --> 0:12:02.520 do you want that person to know? This is all 0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:06.040 about being self aware. This is doing the work before 0:12:06.080 --> 0:12:09.000 the conversation. There's a lot of work that we have 0:12:09.120 --> 0:12:13.200 to do prior to having these conversations, especially conversations that 0:12:13.280 --> 0:12:16.960 could create conflict or conversations when we're in conflict. We 0:12:17.040 --> 0:12:19.640 have to do some work on the front end. One 0:12:19.640 --> 0:12:21.160 of the things that we have to do is why 0:12:21.160 --> 0:12:24.000 am I having this conversation? What is the outcome that 0:12:24.080 --> 0:12:27.679 I want to happen? This is how I coach my couples. Okay, 0:12:27.800 --> 0:12:30.679 so you had a conversation about your husband leaving his 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:33.840 clothes all over the floor, and you're talking about how 0:12:33.880 --> 0:12:36.520 that makes you feel, and you know how your dad 0:12:36.640 --> 0:12:39.479 used to do that and how your mom was so disrespected. 0:12:39.640 --> 0:12:42.720 What is the outcome that you want? Now, you would 0:12:42.720 --> 0:12:44.679 think that that would make sense, like the wife actually 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:47.080 wants our husband to pick up after himself. Right, But 0:12:47.160 --> 0:12:51.960 I don't assume anything. Neither should you. But we have 0:12:52.000 --> 0:12:54.160 to ask ourselves what do I actually want to happen? 0:12:54.280 --> 0:12:56.040 Do you know how many people are so unclear? Do 0:12:56.040 --> 0:12:58.360 you know how many people stare at me blankly when 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:01.960 I ask them that what is the outcome? What would 0:13:02.000 --> 0:13:05.400 you like to see happen? They're like, outcome, what do 0:13:05.440 --> 0:13:09.280 I want to see happen? I mean, I don't know. 0:13:09.400 --> 0:13:12.400 I mean I guess I want him to, like, I 0:13:12.400 --> 0:13:16.440 don't know, like not be so messy. Okay, Well that's 0:13:16.480 --> 0:13:20.560 important because guess what if he says, Okay, fine, I'll 0:13:20.559 --> 0:13:22.439 stop being so messy, Well then you don't need to 0:13:22.480 --> 0:13:24.920 keep on talking for twenty more minutes about how disrespected 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:29.120 you feel because you got the outcome. So you need 0:13:29.160 --> 0:13:31.880 to understand what do you want to happen? Why are 0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:34.000 you having this conversation in the first place, and then 0:13:34.040 --> 0:13:35.960 what do you want to happen? So this is going 0:13:36.040 --> 0:13:38.880 to help you to frame the conversation in such a 0:13:38.880 --> 0:13:42.280 way that you don't have to spend an hour on 0:13:42.400 --> 0:13:44.559 each conversation, y'all. This is why a lot of times 0:13:44.559 --> 0:13:46.880 our spouses and partners and friends and folks don't want 0:13:46.880 --> 0:13:49.200 to have conversations with us because it's just too dang 0:13:49.200 --> 0:13:53.040 on long. It's just too long. Like, can we have 0:13:53.080 --> 0:13:55.040 a conversation and I'm speaking to myself, y'all because I 0:13:55.040 --> 0:13:58.720 can be long winded, okay, but can we have conversations 0:13:59.320 --> 0:14:02.720 that do not take four days to complete? And can we, 0:14:02.800 --> 0:14:09.160 my goodness, have a favorable outcome at some point? So again, 0:14:09.360 --> 0:14:13.079 another example of this for me in my personal marriage, 0:14:13.400 --> 0:14:16.120 our gas bill one month, you guys, was over six 0:14:16.200 --> 0:14:19.240 hundred dollars. Now we live in a fairly large house, 0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:24.000 but still six hundred dollars is ridiculousness. Okay. Now, the 0:14:24.080 --> 0:14:27.320 problem with that is I am always cold. My friends 0:14:27.400 --> 0:14:29.800 know me, I always have. Right now, I have a 0:14:29.840 --> 0:14:33.880 cardigan and a sweater, a blanket and my heater. Okay, 0:14:34.400 --> 0:14:36.480 I probably have low iron I know. For all of 0:14:36.480 --> 0:14:39.080 you doctors like my goodness, please get your iron levels check. 0:14:39.440 --> 0:14:43.960 I will. But the problem is I'm always cold, always cold. 0:14:44.120 --> 0:14:49.360 So I use our gas fireplace religiously. And so Sean 0:14:49.480 --> 0:14:52.520 is like, Dana, I'm sorry that we cannot The gas 0:14:52.520 --> 0:14:55.360 bill was over six hundred dollars. We cannot be running 0:14:55.360 --> 0:14:58.120 that gas fireplace all day. And so I started getting 0:14:58.160 --> 0:15:01.000 in my feelings like, well, you're all hot. That's easy 0:15:01.040 --> 0:15:03.440 for you. You don't have to sit around with blankets and 0:15:03.480 --> 0:15:06.280 sweatshirts and heaters and things like that because you're always cold. 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:09.040 So I'm thinking, you know what, he just doesn't care 0:15:09.080 --> 0:15:12.120 about me. He just doesn't care. He doesn't care that 0:15:12.200 --> 0:15:14.960 I'm gonna get arthritis in my bones because I'm sitting 0:15:15.000 --> 0:15:17.480 in this cold house. He's got the air conditioner on 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:20.080 in December. He just does not care. I don't even 0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:22.600 know why I married him. Like literally, you guys like 0:15:22.640 --> 0:15:25.360 this is what we do. We go on these crazy 0:15:25.480 --> 0:15:28.840 rabbit trails, right, And so I said, okay, I need 0:15:28.880 --> 0:15:30.800 to let Sean know how I feel. I get it 0:15:30.840 --> 0:15:32.560 that the gas bill is high, but what am I 0:15:32.560 --> 0:15:34.560 supposed to do here? Like, what am I supposed to do? 0:15:34.800 --> 0:15:37.720 He's like, wear socks. I got on socks. Brother wear sweatpants? 0:15:37.760 --> 0:15:40.600 I got on a sweatsuit? What am I supposed to do? 0:15:41.240 --> 0:15:44.560 So obviously compromise is needed, right, But I need to 0:15:44.560 --> 0:15:46.720 be able to go to him and not feel like 0:15:46.800 --> 0:15:49.480 I need to change him, because this is the problem 0:15:49.560 --> 0:15:51.880 you guys A lot of times when we say, oh, 0:15:51.960 --> 0:15:54.120 I just need to tell my partner, my spouse, whoever, 0:15:54.280 --> 0:15:56.000 my friend, I need to tell them how I feel. 0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:59.680 What we're really meaning is I need to tell them 0:15:59.680 --> 0:16:03.360 how they need to change to accommodate me. That's what 0:16:03.400 --> 0:16:06.080 we really mean. Now we won't say it, but if 0:16:06.120 --> 0:16:08.720 you think about it, that's what you really want. Right 0:16:08.880 --> 0:16:11.400 when I asked you earlier, what's the outcome that you're 0:16:11.400 --> 0:16:13.640 looking for? The outcome is going to be in your 0:16:13.680 --> 0:16:18.120 favor because that's how we're wired. So I need Sean 0:16:18.440 --> 0:16:21.040 to just like be okay with me running the fireplace, 0:16:21.360 --> 0:16:26.480 even though I know that it's crazy, ridiculously expensive. So 0:16:26.600 --> 0:16:29.560 I had a choice. I can let him know how 0:16:29.560 --> 0:16:32.240 I feel. But then I need to ask myself what 0:16:32.320 --> 0:16:35.480 do I actually want to happen out of that conversation, 0:16:36.240 --> 0:16:39.600 because if my outcome listen to me carefully here. If 0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:43.640 my outcome is one dimensional, which is I want him 0:16:43.840 --> 0:16:46.920 to be okay with me running the gas fireplace when 0:16:46.960 --> 0:16:49.360 he says I don't want to run it, what do 0:16:49.440 --> 0:16:53.760 we have? We have a misunderstanding, we have an unresolved conflict. 0:16:54.680 --> 0:16:57.840 How do we move from that? Because we're both disagreed here, 0:16:59.000 --> 0:17:02.200 So the outcome can't be one dimensional. It can't just 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:04.439 be I want to get my way, I want to 0:17:04.480 --> 0:17:06.800 do what I want to do. The outcome has to 0:17:06.840 --> 0:17:10.040 be something that is favorable to both of us. So again, 0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:12.760 when I'm coaching my clients, I'm always trying to get 0:17:12.800 --> 0:17:15.520 them to see how can you both win? It's not 0:17:15.560 --> 0:17:18.080 about you giving up something, it's not about you losing. 0:17:18.359 --> 0:17:21.560 It's about how can y'all come to an agreement where 0:17:21.600 --> 0:17:27.280 you both win? So what is the favorable outcome for 0:17:27.400 --> 0:17:29.640 both of you? This is going to help you when 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:33.560 you're framing this conversation around your feelings to be able 0:17:33.600 --> 0:17:36.280 to say, Okay, this is how I'm feeling, this is 0:17:36.359 --> 0:17:40.119 the preferred outcome? Might not necessarily be what I want, 0:17:40.359 --> 0:17:42.120 but this is something that's going to work for both 0:17:42.160 --> 0:17:45.639 of us. Okay, spend some time thinking about that and 0:17:45.720 --> 0:17:49.720 really practice that in your conversations before you actually bring 0:17:49.800 --> 0:17:53.040 that up to your spouse or your partner. Okay. The 0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:54.480 fourth and final thing that I want to share with 0:17:54.560 --> 0:17:58.160 you all today is how you start the conversation matters. Oh, 0:17:58.240 --> 0:18:01.200 it matters so much. How you start these conversations. When 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:05.119 we're starting conversations from a place of accusation, then we 0:18:05.200 --> 0:18:08.920 are starting the conversation with our partner on the defense. 0:18:09.560 --> 0:18:10.960 So if I were to go up to Shawan and say, 0:18:10.960 --> 0:18:12.400 you know what, I need to talk to you about 0:18:12.440 --> 0:18:15.320 something because this gas thing is just we're gonna have 0:18:15.320 --> 0:18:18.159 to figure this out, what do you think He's going 0:18:18.240 --> 0:18:23.280 to respond like he's going to be defensive. So what 0:18:23.400 --> 0:18:26.439 I need to do is I need to download the 0:18:26.480 --> 0:18:31.840 conversation starters from danashay dot com forward slash Conversation Starters. Yes, 0:18:32.160 --> 0:18:35.600 shameless plug because on that PDF, you, guys, I give 0:18:35.680 --> 0:18:40.479 you three really great conversation starters. This is how you 0:18:40.640 --> 0:18:44.080 start conversations so that you don't end up in conflict. 0:18:44.640 --> 0:18:47.320 Some of you are having conflict in your relationships because 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:50.680 you lack the proper tools. So this is my job. 0:18:50.720 --> 0:18:52.600 I want to give you the proper tools so that 0:18:52.680 --> 0:18:56.639 you stop going in the crazy cycles of having these conversations. 0:18:57.640 --> 0:19:00.000 So one of the things that I might say is 0:19:00.000 --> 0:19:03.280 in this conversation, specific to this example that I'm giving 0:19:03.280 --> 0:19:07.520 you guys, is hey, Sean, can we talk about the 0:19:07.720 --> 0:19:12.960 temperature situation in our house? It's an open ended question, right, 0:19:13.240 --> 0:19:15.920 I'm not saying we need to talk about this and 0:19:16.320 --> 0:19:18.760 you need to get it together and all the other 0:19:18.840 --> 0:19:22.639 wives don't have issues. I'm not doing any of that foolishness. 0:19:23.119 --> 0:19:25.640 I'm simply asking a question, Hey, can we talk about 0:19:25.680 --> 0:19:29.200 the temperature situation in our house? And then I'm gonna 0:19:29.200 --> 0:19:31.359 come to him with my feelings. I'm not gonna go 0:19:31.400 --> 0:19:34.439 into the theatrics, okay, because I hopefully I have processed 0:19:34.560 --> 0:19:37.040 the theatrics and my mind and I know what is 0:19:37.320 --> 0:19:40.440 real from what is fallacy. It is not that my 0:19:40.520 --> 0:19:42.320 husband does not care about me and he wants me 0:19:42.359 --> 0:19:45.120 to get arthritis and die. That is not the truth. 0:19:45.560 --> 0:19:48.960 What is the truth. The truth is my husband is 0:19:49.000 --> 0:19:51.679 trying to save us money and does not want to 0:19:51.720 --> 0:19:55.840 give our gas company more money than what they deserve. 0:19:57.480 --> 0:20:01.720 That is his full motivation. Does he care about me? Yes, 0:20:01.760 --> 0:20:06.360 he does. He just is not necessarily making the connection 0:20:06.560 --> 0:20:11.280 between my need for warmth and this crazy astronomical gas bill. 0:20:12.000 --> 0:20:15.440 So now it is my desire to help him get there. Okay, 0:20:15.560 --> 0:20:17.439 So I'm gonna have this conversation with him. Hey, can 0:20:17.520 --> 0:20:21.520 we talk about the temperature situation in our house? You 0:20:21.600 --> 0:20:25.280 know that I am always cold, Sean, I am always cold. 0:20:25.320 --> 0:20:27.680 I've always been this way. I'm probably never going to change. 0:20:27.680 --> 0:20:29.200 As a matter of fact, is the old the older 0:20:29.200 --> 0:20:32.680 that I get, It's probably gonna get worse. I appreciate 0:20:33.560 --> 0:20:35.320 the fact that you are trying to help us to 0:20:35.320 --> 0:20:38.720 save money. I appreciate the fact that you care so 0:20:38.840 --> 0:20:44.919 much about our family finances that you're frugal in this regard. However, 0:20:45.760 --> 0:20:48.680 what can we do so that I am not bundled 0:20:48.800 --> 0:20:52.040 up and that I can enjoy an afternoon on the 0:20:52.040 --> 0:20:57.000 couch like everybody else without feeling so cold? Okay? Now 0:20:57.000 --> 0:20:59.320 I'm exaggerating this a little bit, you guys, just because 0:20:59.359 --> 0:21:01.720 I want you to get what I'm trying to say here. 0:21:02.240 --> 0:21:05.439 I'm telling him how I feel. I feel cold. I 0:21:05.480 --> 0:21:08.720 feel like I can't enjoy the couch with the rest 0:21:08.720 --> 0:21:11.760 of the family like everybody else, because I'm always so cold. 0:21:11.920 --> 0:21:14.480 This is a problem for me. How can we work 0:21:14.520 --> 0:21:17.679 together so that I can enjoy the same liberties that 0:21:17.800 --> 0:21:23.080 you all enjoy. I'm asking questions, I'm telling him how 0:21:23.119 --> 0:21:27.080 I feel, and I'm inviting him into a participatory conversation 0:21:27.760 --> 0:21:33.080 where he actually can express his feelings too. See, I 0:21:33.080 --> 0:21:36.040