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Speaker 1: Life Audio and what's crazy is the whole time I

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Speaker 1: did love Jesus and I knew my worth.

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Speaker 2: Hey, friends, that's Jen Lily. You might recognize her from

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Speaker 2: the Homework Channel or Christmas movies on Great American Family,

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Speaker 2: but she's my guest today on the Compared to You podcast.

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Speaker 2: This is Heather Creekmore. I'm glad you're listening. Jen has

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Speaker 2: so much to share with us today. You may know

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Speaker 2: her from the Academy Award winning Best Picture The Artist,

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Speaker 2: or you might know He're from Days of Our Lives,

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Speaker 2: General Hospital, Gray's Anatomy, Castle, Chicago med I Carle. I

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Speaker 2: know her from the Christmas movies. In fact, I just

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Speaker 2: watched one where she was with Nathan from When Calls

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Speaker 2: the Heart Called. I think it was a Winter Holiday

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Speaker 2: or Winter Love Story or something like that. Anyway, I

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Speaker 2: was interested in having Jen on. She got pitched to

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Speaker 2: me because she has a Brandy book. But I didn't

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Speaker 2: realize until I was started looking more into who Jen

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Speaker 2: was and what she was about, how deep her faith was,

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Speaker 2: and how she has a story of a fifteen year

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Speaker 2: eating disorder that God healed through her recognition of really

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Speaker 2: some idols in her life, some trust things she had

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Speaker 2: going on, and it just seemed to be a match

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Speaker 2: with everything we talk about here on this podcast. I

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Speaker 2: think you're going to be surprised how this episode goes.

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Speaker 2: We talk about, you know, just her career and such

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Speaker 2: at the beginning, but then we go deep and you're

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Speaker 2: really going to appreciate Jun's perspective on grace and what

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Speaker 2: really set her free was not what you might expect.

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Speaker 2: So stick with it till the end because there's a

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Speaker 2: lot of good stuff there. Nay, if you're looking for

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Speaker 2: freedom this year, if you're tired of struggling with body

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Speaker 2: image and food and all the things, join us on

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Speaker 2: a forty day journey. We just started last week, but

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Speaker 2: you can still join us. It's not too late to

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Speaker 2: sign up. You can watch the replays learn more to

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Speaker 2: improve body image dot com look for the forty day

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Speaker 2: Journey tab. We'd love to have you, Ben Lie, Welcome

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Speaker 2: to the Compared to Your podcast.

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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me.

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Speaker 1: I'm super excited to get into all the things.

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm super excited because like I'm fangirling here. I

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Speaker 2: love me a good Genally movie. Body image is use

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Speaker 2: and comparison, and you know, does she have any story there,

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Speaker 2: and your publicist was like, yeah she does.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I love it.

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Speaker 2: So I was like, then this is a perfect fit.

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Speaker 2: So I'm excited for us to go deep today. But

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Speaker 2: I first want to just like, let's start with the

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Speaker 2: fluffy stuff, the stuff that everyone wants to know. You

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Speaker 2: have been acting for a number of years now. Most

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Speaker 2: of my audio ants probably knows you from Hallmark or

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Speaker 2: have you started doing movies with Great American Family.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I was the first person. You helped start Great

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Speaker 1: American Family.

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Speaker 3: Movies with both I'm okay, I'm friendly with everyone.

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Speaker 2: I love it.

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Speaker 3: I love it.

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Speaker 2: But you've been in a number of things that I

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Speaker 2: think people would recognize. How did you get started acting?

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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, it is totally fluffy stuff. Basically the

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Speaker 1: nutshell version, because we want to get into it. The

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Speaker 1: nutshell version was I I'm stage fright and so. And

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Speaker 1: I also grew up in a fairly small town, like

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Speaker 1: you know, suburban, rural, and I didn't think that I

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Speaker 1: wanted to be an actor.

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Speaker 3: I auditioned for a independent film that was shooting in Charlottesville.

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Speaker 1: I went to University of Virginia. There were open call auditions,

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Speaker 1: and I whatever dared my myself to do it and

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Speaker 1: booked the female lead. Got on set and I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm not afraid of the camera. I love storytelling, and

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Speaker 1: I think that people who are involved in film are

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Speaker 1: really cool. They're very artistic, but they also have lives.

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Speaker 1: That's when I say theater kids don't have lives. I'm

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Speaker 1: not trying to like dis theater guys. I think theater's cool.

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Speaker 1: I respect it. I acknowledged that it's not my forte.

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Speaker 1: I think it's definitely a skill, so.

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Speaker 3: Like, please don't get it ended, but you know it's

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Speaker 3: not my thing.

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Speaker 1: So I really prayed about it and felt like the

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Speaker 1: Holy Spirit was like, yes, I want you to be

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Speaker 1: common actress. So I studied the business of acting for

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Speaker 1: two years.

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Speaker 3: I did end up getting a.

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Speaker 1: Degree in drama, but ava that's mainly like lighting sound.

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Speaker 1: I did a lot of production stage management things like

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Speaker 1: that technical stuff. But outside I took acting classes from

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Speaker 1: a director who had moved to Charlotte'svills. Very long winded anyway,

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Speaker 1: I studied the business of acting, made an eight year plan,

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Speaker 1: moved to La Ate Rice and eggs for seven months

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Speaker 1: because I was like so poor, lived with the roaches

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Speaker 1: had to like tape up my rice that I got

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Speaker 1: from Costco for six dollars thirty six cents. You know,

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Speaker 1: I had rice for seven months and take it because

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Speaker 1: I had so many roaches that if I didn't put

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Speaker 1: in a sterilit container with pay, it would be a situation.

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Speaker 3: So I've lived it.

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Speaker 1: I made basically a promise to not turn around from

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Speaker 1: Hollywood until I gave myself a seven year plan.

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Speaker 3: Okay, and that's how I got started.

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Speaker 2: And your big break was General Hospital.

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Speaker 1: I don't know because a lot of parallel things happened

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Speaker 1: in twenty eleven, which was my fourth year, which is

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Speaker 1: generally when people leave okay, four years, a lot of

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Speaker 1: people have breakthrough, and a lot of people leave big

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Speaker 1: bright before their breakthrough.

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Speaker 2: And interesting, interesting if.

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Speaker 3: You're like working hard.

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Speaker 1: I mean I was a hustler and I was an

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Speaker 1: Excel sheet queen, like I got notes.

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Speaker 3: On everybody that I met. Wow, where did I meet them?

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Speaker 3: What did I do? How did the audition go? How

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Speaker 3: do you know?

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Speaker 1: Like crazy kobeous math, I booked the Artist which one

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Speaker 1: ended up winning the Academy Award for Best Picture and

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Speaker 1: it was nominated for ten at one to five at

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Speaker 1: the same time before the artist came out, though, I

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Speaker 1: had already booked General Hospital, so it's kind of like

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Speaker 1: they were in tandemyl a good year. I did recurring

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Speaker 1: on I Carly. I had all these things that happened

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Speaker 1: in twenty eleven.

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Speaker 3: But sure General Hospital is pretty much what put me

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Speaker 3: on the map.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, so you were already a believer. Yes, so

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Speaker 2: you're going into a dark place as Sultan light. Yes,

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Speaker 2: and you kind of had I don't know, was it

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Speaker 2: a secret you were eating.

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Speaker 3: Distant Absolutely not a secret anymore.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So I was beliemic for fifteen years. I was blieming

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Speaker 1: before I went to LA. I had eating disorder issues,

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Speaker 1: probably from the age of thirteen.

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Speaker 3: Just because so we'll just go like, we'll just start

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Speaker 3: on a you interrupt me at any point, kay, go

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Speaker 3: for it. I'll like start start at the beginning.

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Speaker 1: So first of all, I would say, if anybody is

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Speaker 1: watching this interview, if anybody knows who I am, and

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Speaker 1: you've seen me and you're still struggling with an eating

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Speaker 1: disorder or this is a situation for you, I want

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Speaker 1: to give you like a funny story caveat.

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Speaker 3: Okay, I do not have an eating disorder anymore.

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Speaker 1: I'm a very tiny person when so we're going to

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Speaker 1: kind of go all over the timeline.

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Speaker 3: But I'm assuming most of your listeners are.

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Speaker 1: Women, and women are very good at like keeping up

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Speaker 1: with the hopiday hops you go. By this time, my

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Speaker 1: parents knew I had an eating disorder.

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Speaker 3: I was fifteen.

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Speaker 1: Okay, when I was fifteen years old, my mom bought

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Speaker 1: me Lisa Bevie's book You Are Not.

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Speaker 3: What You Weigh. It's actually great book. Started reading it,

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Speaker 3: it was kind of changing my tone.

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Speaker 1: Like I was I was struggling a little bit with anirexia.

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Speaker 1: I was just struggling with eating issues.

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Speaker 3: Yea. Then I saw Lisa Bavie. Lisa knows this.

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Speaker 1: So Lisa and I have since become friends as of

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Speaker 1: two years ago. She was like my favorite human. I

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Speaker 1: literally make fun of myself to her and John all

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Speaker 1: the time, like, I don't know how you don't have

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Speaker 1: a restraining order against me, Like I am their biggest

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Speaker 1: fand like I am hard hardcore fangirl over John and

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Speaker 1: Lisa Lavie.

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Speaker 3: I love it for a very long time. So the

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Speaker 3: fact that they let me be friends, I'm always like

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Speaker 3: this is kind of amazing. I love it. So I'm

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Speaker 3: not friends with Lisa. Yeah, I'm fifteen, it's a thousand

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Speaker 3: years ago, forty one. I'm reading her book.

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Speaker 1: I see a photo of her, and Lisa knows the story,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, ew, this woman's a liar.

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Speaker 3: This woman's peddling book sales. She definitely still has an

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Speaker 3: eating disorder because she's thin. Okay, she's thin, she's fit. Like,

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Speaker 3: I was like, you are selling books, like you're peddling books.

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Speaker 3: So I didn't.

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Speaker 1: I like, put Lisa away and I started listening to

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Speaker 1: John Vivie Later.

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Speaker 3: In life we'll get into that. Maybe maybe not, but

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Speaker 3: like they're awesome. Yeah, So I'm like, no, John.

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Speaker 1: I was a fan of you, is not Lisa. I

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Speaker 1: thought Lisa was a book peddler. She's totally not. She's

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Speaker 1: totally not interrect. She has no disorder now. But the

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Speaker 1: reason I believed that was because I had been sold

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Speaker 1: the lie out of good intention and not just good intention,

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Speaker 1: misinformation and good intention paired together. I have been told

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Speaker 1: over and over and over again that once you have

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Speaker 1: an needing disorder, your metabolism is shot.

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Speaker 3: You can never repair it. So that's that.

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Speaker 1: So when I saw Lisa I'm like, oh, she's thin,

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Speaker 1: but she had a needing disorder, so she's a liar.

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Speaker 1: So if you're watching me and you're like, oh, she's

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Speaker 1: thin and she's tiny, and she's selling the fact that

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Speaker 1: she's selling a book and she's an actress and you know,

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Speaker 1: but she's lying because she's thin, let me just dispel

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Speaker 1: the myth. God is amazing and he can and will

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Speaker 1: heal your metabolism. You also have to do the work

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Speaker 1: and it's not fun.

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Speaker 3: But I do want to say, like it's a lie

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Speaker 3: from the pit of hell. Your bodies are made to

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Speaker 3: heal themselves. Like God made our bodies so good. It's

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Speaker 3: it's really amazing.

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Speaker 1: Okay, now knowing that whole preface, now that like you

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Speaker 1: can maybe accept that I'm still tiny even though I

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Speaker 1: have for like ever. Okay, so I'm thirteen. I was

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Speaker 1: a ballerina. Dance was my life, Like my life. I

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Speaker 1: did Paris Christmas Wolds a couple of years ago and

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Speaker 1: bald every single day because I had put dance away

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Speaker 1: because of what I'm about to tell you. So it

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Speaker 1: was like very healing for me to do that movie. Wow,

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Speaker 1: dance was my life. I still love it to this day,

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Speaker 1: I wish I could be a dancer. Like a dancing

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Speaker 1: when the stars wants to have me on, I.

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Speaker 3: Will peddle this story and get the guts to get yes.

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Speaker 1: So I at the same time, like most girls on average,

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Speaker 1: I started my period when I was twelve. I had

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Speaker 1: extremely painful periods. I have had two children completely unmedicated,

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Speaker 1: so I know what natural childbirth feels like. I will

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Speaker 1: tell you my periods were more painful than natural child birth. Wow,

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Speaker 1: because I had cyst that were so large that they

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Speaker 1: would rupture. One time, when I was nineteen, my ovary

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Speaker 1: torqued like, it turned over like and I was This

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Speaker 1: is no shame to anybody, this is my own story.

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Speaker 1: I was a virgin til I was married, so I

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Speaker 1: had a doctor had to go up with his hand

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Speaker 1: and manually twist my ovary so that it would not atrophy.

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Speaker 1: I don't know how he did it because like upweight,

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Speaker 1: the wait tubes are but it was a situation and

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Speaker 1: it was crazy painful.

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Speaker 3: I'm talking.

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Speaker 1: I had a five hour morphine drip and the pain

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Speaker 1: did not drop.

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Speaker 3: Below a ten.

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Speaker 2: Wow.

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Speaker 3: So when I say I have.

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Speaker 1: Painful periods, I'm talking literally. I'm vomiting. I'm blacking out,

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Speaker 1: like my body blacks out. That's how painful my periods are.

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Speaker 1: So that's nineteen ninety they were in a year nineteen

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Speaker 1: ninety seven, nineteen ninety eight.

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Speaker 3: I'm nineteen ninety six, I'm twelve.

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Speaker 1: Nineteen ninety seven, I'm thirteen.

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Speaker 3: My mom is like that.

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Speaker 1: I can't watch my daughter be like this anymore. This

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Speaker 1: is unbelievable. There were heavy periods. I mean, there was

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Speaker 1: all sorts of issues going on. So in nineteen ninety seven,

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Speaker 1: at least to my knowledge, at least in Rono, Virtunia

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Speaker 1: where I'm from, there was no known to me low

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Speaker 1: dose birth control. So I was put on a birth

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Speaker 1: control in order to basically regulate my hormone so that

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Speaker 1: these cysts would stop.

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Speaker 3: And as a oh my gosh, what is it called.

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Speaker 1: Like an effect a side effect of that hormone therapy,

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Speaker 1: I gained sixty pounds in one year.

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Speaker 3: Wow, Okay, So I.

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Speaker 1: Went from one hundred and twelve. I remember I was

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Speaker 1: one hundred and twelve. Just I don't remember why I

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Speaker 1: remember that, Like, it wasn't any disort of thing. I

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Speaker 1: just remember being like at first it was twelve and

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Speaker 1: I was like really proud that it was one hundred

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Speaker 1: and twelve. But when you're twelve, you're still kind of

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Speaker 1: like I'm taller than you and like right way more

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Speaker 1: than you, so and I'm older than you by a

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Speaker 1: day some cooler, right right. I was one twelve, I

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Speaker 1: was like solid stream, being muscle. I go up to

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Speaker 1: like one seventy in the course of like a one semester.

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Speaker 3: Wow, my dance teacher, which was painful.

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Speaker 1: It's not it's painful to gain that much weight. I

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Speaker 1: had stretch marks all the things. My dance teacher in

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Speaker 1: front of my mom says, orders me an adult large.

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Speaker 1: No excuse me, yes, orders me an adult large. I

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Speaker 1: was a child large still because I'm only five to two.

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Speaker 1: My mom's like she goes into the dance teacher. She's

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Speaker 1: literally like what the hell is this? Like, she's like

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Speaker 1: a mama bear, like what is this about? And the

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Speaker 1: dance teacher in front of me says, miss Lily, at

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Speaker 1: the rate that your daughter's gaining weight, she'll fit into

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Speaker 1: it by the recital.

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Speaker 3: That was two weeks away.

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Speaker 1: So that was kind of like, oh, this is something

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Speaker 1: everybody is noticing. I have to take care of this.

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Speaker 1: So I started kind of with anorexia. Tried, I wasn't

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Speaker 1: good at it. I was being told my metabolism be

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Speaker 1: wrecked forever. But anorexia was hard for me because from

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Speaker 1: the South. My mom's a great cook.

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Speaker 3: And you know, I was.

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Speaker 1: My parents never intentionally raised us. They were really actually

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Speaker 1: intentional about not raising us to be emotional eaters. But

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Speaker 1: we are one hundred percent lilies are emotional eaters, like

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Speaker 1: one hundred percent were Southern. So that wasn't working out

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Speaker 1: too well for me anorexia. So finally, when I was fifteen,

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Speaker 1: I discovered bolimia. I thought I could never do it,

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Speaker 1: tried enough, finally had a gag reflex.

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Speaker 3: Did that, felt convicted about it.

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Speaker 1: Went to my parents, went to my mom, told her

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Speaker 1: it was not a good reaction it but it wasn't

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Speaker 1: a bad reaction either. I want to give my parents

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Speaker 1: a lot of grace because I'm a parent and I've

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Speaker 1: done a lot of things wrong as a parent, and

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00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:50,840
Speaker 1: sometimes parents' reactions are because they're so upset they don't

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Speaker 1: know how to handle it. So my mom sometimes had

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Speaker 1: eating disorders at different stages of her life, so I

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Speaker 1: think for her, she just felt like, you know, she

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Speaker 1: was a failure, and she wasn't It wasn't her fault

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Speaker 1: that any of this happened. But there was a lot

301
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Speaker 1: of Because I love my parents, there was a lot

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Speaker 1: of their reaction was like, well, what have we done that?

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Speaker 1: We're such bad parents? That would you have any eating disorder?

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Speaker 1: And you know, and they were kind of crying. My

305
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:22,240
Speaker 1: mom was crying, which is a fine reaction, but it

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00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,880
Speaker 1: was more like, how could this happen? I'm such a

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Speaker 1: bad mom, And because I am an empathetic person and

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Speaker 1: I wanted her to feel better, it was kind of like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'll just say that I'm better.

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Speaker 3: I went to a counselor who was very expensive.

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Speaker 1: It was over one hundred dollars an hour, like in

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Speaker 1: the nineties, which is a lot. It's a lot now,

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Speaker 1: but like it's a lot in the nineties. It'd be

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Speaker 1: like four hundred dollars now. And you know, I'm one

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Speaker 1: of four kids, like we pretty much single family income.

316
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Speaker 1: My mom had side jobs, but like, that's a lot

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Speaker 1: of money. And the counselor was stupid. I mean, he

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Speaker 1: was literally awful. I have no problem saying that, worst

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Speaker 1: counselor ever. I would go in there and literally be

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Speaker 1: like I know exactly why I have a new disorder,

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Speaker 1: like I'm bullied at school, like my boyfriend broke up

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Speaker 1: with me, Like these are the things I want to

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Speaker 1: talk about.

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Speaker 3: And he would literally say stuff like if you get

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Speaker 3: off a horse, like no, no, no, we do not talk

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Speaker 3: about that.

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Speaker 1: Let's do a worksheet. Okay, follow the horse you have

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00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,200
Speaker 1: to get back on. So a how many times did

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00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:24,840
Speaker 1: you approach this week? And it was like, okay, can

330
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:26,119
Speaker 1: we just can we talk about.

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Speaker 3: Like the root issue here.

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Speaker 1: It's like, if we talk about the root issue, I

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00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,520
Speaker 1: promise you I'm going to get better. He'd be like,

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00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:35,600
Speaker 1: I'm a counselor you're not. So finally, I just told

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00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,040
Speaker 1: my parents I was better because I knew it was

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Speaker 1: a financial strain at the time, and so I just

337
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,240
Speaker 1: started hiding it. I got really, really good at hiding

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Speaker 1: my bolimia. And what's crazy is the whole time, I

339
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:58,040
Speaker 1: did love Jesus and I knew my worth. Yeah, I

340
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,880
Speaker 1: knew my worth as like a spirit. I just was

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00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:05,879
Speaker 1: so upset. And you know, I'm sure every listener that

342
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:08,600
Speaker 1: has an eating disorder has body issues, and you know,

343
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Speaker 1: I don't know your own personal testimony.

344
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Speaker 3: But addiction is addiction is addiction is addiction.

345
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Speaker 1: It doesn't matter whether it's drugs, it doesn't matter whether

346
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Speaker 1: it's alcohol, it doesn't matter whether it's an eating disorder.

347
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Speaker 1: There's a dopamine reaction that's happening. It's the same thing

348
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Speaker 1: social media addiction. And I would wager to say that

349
00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:37,359
Speaker 1: most addicts fall into addiction, myself included, because they feel

350
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:40,640
Speaker 1: like their whole life is out of control and they

351
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:44,720
Speaker 1: want to fix it and they don't know how, and

352
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:48,159
Speaker 1: so they feel like it's something that they can control,

353
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:51,440
Speaker 1: even though the addiction is actually controlling them.

354
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:55,480
Speaker 3: It's this weird I want control.

355
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:58,200
Speaker 1: I need control because my life is out of control,

356
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:02,040
Speaker 1: but this thing is control me like shame cycle from

357
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:06,159
Speaker 1: help absolutely, and I felt like I would.

358
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Speaker 3: Never get out of it.

359
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:10,040
Speaker 1: It just kind of was like I had resolved that,

360
00:18:10,119 --> 00:18:13,320
Speaker 1: like this is my life now. I can't stop because

361
00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:15,359
Speaker 1: then I'll be fat, which like who really cares?

362
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:19,520
Speaker 3: Actually, But because I had been heavier, I don't carry

363
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:20,320
Speaker 3: weight very well.

364
00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:22,879
Speaker 1: And I don't mean that, like I don't mean that

365
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:26,760
Speaker 1: like body image wise. What I mean by that is

366
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:30,160
Speaker 1: like I'm tiny. I have like the littlest bones you've

367
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:33,199
Speaker 1: ever seen in life, like I am a frail person.

368
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,879
Speaker 1: To carry like one hundred and seventy pounds on my

369
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:40,199
Speaker 1: frame literally hurts like when I would run, like it

370
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:45,440
Speaker 1: hurt like it hurts. My knees hurt, like my hips hurt,

371
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:50,359
Speaker 1: my back hurt like I hurt all the time. So

372
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,639
Speaker 1: I kind of just thought, all right, well, Jesus's blood

373
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Speaker 1: covers this and it'll be fine.

374
00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:02,399
Speaker 3: You know. I would go up to altar calls in

375
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:03,200
Speaker 3: church all the.

376
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:10,960
Speaker 1: Time for healing because I believe in healing. Today. I

377
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:14,040
Speaker 1: believe God still heals. I believe he always wants to heal.

378
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,560
Speaker 1: I believe what the Bible says. The Bible says, by

379
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Speaker 1: Jesus's stripes, we are healed. It also says by Jesus's stripes,

380
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,880
Speaker 1: we were healed. And it also says that it is finished.

381
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,320
Speaker 1: And it also says that everything that ever needed to

382
00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:28,439
Speaker 1: be done was completed and provided for by Jesus on

383
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Speaker 1: the Cross. I have seen from my own personal life.

384
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,000
Speaker 1: I don't know how many miracles I've seen where cancer

385
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,520
Speaker 1: has disappeared. I'm talking, the person is dying, they go

386
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:41,840
Speaker 1: get another I pray for them another scan. They're clear,

387
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:47,080
Speaker 1: medically documented I have in the past year, not medically

388
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,879
Speaker 1: documented to me to my knowledge, I don't know these people,

389
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:53,040
Speaker 1: but I have witnessed in the same room twice in

390
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,520
Speaker 1: the past year two people get out of wheelchairs. Love it,

391
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:00,560
Speaker 1: so I know God still heals. I would go to

392
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:01,800
Speaker 1: altar calls.

393
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:02,920
Speaker 3: Or healing.

394
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:08,240
Speaker 1: And feel like I was laying down my eating disorder,

395
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:13,760
Speaker 1: wanted to get healed, but didn't. And I want to

396
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,960
Speaker 1: clarify that and camp out here for as I can't.

397
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,240
Speaker 1: There are many times. There are many testimonies. They're pretty amazing.

398
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:22,239
Speaker 3: You should go look them up.

399
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,240
Speaker 1: I've also seen this happen with my own eyes, talk

400
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:31,280
Speaker 1: to these people with my own mouth, where they were

401
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:35,960
Speaker 1: maybe drunk, stoned, high, out of their mind whatever. They

402
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:39,280
Speaker 1: go to an altar call and they are immediately immediately

403
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:44,200
Speaker 1: brought into their sobriety and they lose all desire. That

404
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,240
Speaker 1: can't happen. That is what I wanted. I wanted a

405
00:20:47,359 --> 00:20:51,879
Speaker 1: quick fix, right I wanted because same thing with bolimia.

406
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:53,680
Speaker 3: For me, I hate working out.

407
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,040
Speaker 1: I still hate working out for you guys, thankfully, I

408
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:58,520
Speaker 1: have four children I had to chase.

409
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:02,160
Speaker 3: After and I literally loathe working out.

410
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,320
Speaker 1: I like hiking, but like hiking's like tricking you working

411
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,880
Speaker 1: out right from a walk with friends you're talking about

412
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,679
Speaker 1: I'm like, not a jibberand I have been before, but

413
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,880
Speaker 1: it is never my desire to work out.

414
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:17,320
Speaker 3: I absolutely loathe it. So I like easy way out.

415
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,680
Speaker 1: I like eat whatever I want, get the comfort out

416
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,320
Speaker 1: of it, throw it up. That was a very easy

417
00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:27,760
Speaker 1: cycle for me. Nobody knew. But there's guilt and shame.

418
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:33,240
Speaker 3: So I think that sometimes while God can will, and

419
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:37,960
Speaker 3: sometimes does, heal people immediately from their addiction, I think

420
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:41,399
Speaker 3: because God is a good father, more times than not,

421
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:46,200
Speaker 3: he does not heal you immediately because Jesus already provided

422
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:47,320
Speaker 3: healing on the cross.

423
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:50,479
Speaker 1: What he does instead is he's like doors open, honey,

424
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,560
Speaker 1: But you have to walk it out with him.

425
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:53,920
Speaker 3: You have to repent.

426
00:21:54,960 --> 00:22:02,200
Speaker 1: You have to make daily decisions, sometimes our decisions to.

427
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,359
Speaker 3: No longer do the same behavior. Now.

428
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:09,920
Speaker 1: Listen, I was bolimic for fifteen years. You guys, I

429
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,360
Speaker 1: know when you heard that. If you are still struggling,

430
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,240
Speaker 1: you're like, I hate this girl. This is bs and

431
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:18,480
Speaker 1: easier said than done. I've been there. I'm with you.

432
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:19,320
Speaker 3: I feel you.

433
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:24,800
Speaker 1: So understand that sentiment that you were just like screw you. Generally,

434
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,159
Speaker 1: you're full of crap. You and Lisa Pavia paddling yourself.

435
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,040
Speaker 1: You're just kidding at least is awesome, and hopefully you

436
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:31,719
Speaker 1: think I'm awesome.

437
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,600
Speaker 3: But okay, so this is how like it got to me.

438
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,159
Speaker 1: I want so many alter calls. It's all in hiding.

439
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,600
Speaker 1: I was so good at hiding my believe me.

440
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,639
Speaker 3: I was so good at hiding it. Nobody, now my

441
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:48,560
Speaker 3: own husband didn't know. We'll get into that. However, many

442
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,439
Speaker 3: years later, right like maybe fourteen, I was believing for

443
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:57,680
Speaker 3: fifteen years, Probably around you're fourteen. Mmmmm, let me think

444
00:22:57,720 --> 00:22:58,720
Speaker 3: when did I know?

445
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:02,000
Speaker 1: You know, even like year two thousand and seven, so

446
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,359
Speaker 1: I stopped being malimic. Probably I started walking out of

447
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:07,160
Speaker 1: the prison around twenty sixteen.

448
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:10,919
Speaker 3: Okay, two thousand and seven. I remember, I'm listening to

449
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:13,840
Speaker 3: this amazing preacher teacher.

450
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,280
Speaker 1: I don't know what you call him. He's a teacher,

451
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,680
Speaker 1: he's not really a pastor. His name he's an author.

452
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:19,159
Speaker 1: He's awesome.

453
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,440
Speaker 3: His name is Graham Cook. I love him.

454
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,440
Speaker 1: If you listen to anything by Graham Cook, I swear

455
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,080
Speaker 1: you will feel like you just got hugged and you're

456
00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:31,359
Speaker 1: convicted at the same time, the most loving, gentle guy ever,

457
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:35,359
Speaker 1: Like he's so great and he operates in a lot

458
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:36,880
Speaker 1: of miracles and things like this.

459
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:42,040
Speaker 3: Again, I still believe in miracles. That's how I got saved.

460
00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 1: I got saved at nine because I heard the story

461
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,359
Speaker 1: of Elijah and was like, how did the Holy Spirit

462
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:45,960
Speaker 1: work like that?

463
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,240
Speaker 3: If you really read the Bible, like it's pretty wild.

464
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,919
Speaker 1: Like, I know we're not one of the twelve Disciples,

465
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:53,520
Speaker 1: but God intends us to walk like they did, and

466
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:57,160
Speaker 1: people got healed in Peter's shadow like that is bizarre, crazy,

467
00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:00,000
Speaker 1: amazing to me. And I had gotten to a season

468
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,919
Speaker 1: in my life in two thousand and seven, nine years before.

469
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:05,680
Speaker 1: You know, gosh, this timeline is not making sense.

470
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:06,600
Speaker 3: Let me think about this.

471
00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:12,600
Speaker 1: So I turned and I was fifteen in nineteen ninety nine.

472
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:18,919
Speaker 1: In two thousand and seven, that's eight years later. Okay,

473
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:21,719
Speaker 1: nineteen ninety nine. I guess, well, I guess I had

474
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:25,840
Speaker 1: an eating disorder for a long time. I started being

475
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:26,960
Speaker 1: bolimic at seventeen.

476
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:27,600
Speaker 3: There we go.

477
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:29,840
Speaker 1: I was like, why do I know it's fifteen years? Okay,

478
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:35,920
Speaker 1: ignore me, guys, sorry, I just make out detail myself

479
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,239
Speaker 1: time because I'm like, let me say something that's not

480
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:42,480
Speaker 1: unsubstantiated anyway, doesn't matter. Twenty two thousand and seven, two

481
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,359
Speaker 1: thousand and eight, I am listening to a lot of

482
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:47,000
Speaker 1: Graham Cook, and I'm thinking, Gosh, I would really like

483
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:48,280
Speaker 1: to move in the power of God.

484
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:53,000
Speaker 3: But I know that the enemy the devil. I do

485
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:53,720
Speaker 3: think he's real.

486
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:58,040
Speaker 1: Uh. I don't think everything that attacks you is Satan himself.

487
00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,840
Speaker 1: That's not biblically accurate. But he has a lot of

488
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:01,760
Speaker 1: d and he has a lot of the dark spirits,

489
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,320
Speaker 1: So I don't know. I would just call them all

490
00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:05,240
Speaker 1: the devil now that we have our definitions in order.

491
00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:08,000
Speaker 1: I was kind of like the accuser. That's what the

492
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,000
Speaker 1: Bible calls them. The accusers basically has that over me.

493
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,679
Speaker 1: You can't operate in miracles and signs and wonders because

494
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:18,439
Speaker 1: you are balimk like you whatever. So I just kind

495
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:19,520
Speaker 1: of had it in the back of my head, like

496
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:20,920
Speaker 1: I would really like to get rid of this because

497
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,439
Speaker 1: then he would have nothing that like he could like

498
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:25,359
Speaker 1: hold against me. Really, there's no like lifestyle that I'm

499
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:26,200
Speaker 1: like struggling with.

500
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:28,359
Speaker 3: I thought that for a long time.

501
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:35,320
Speaker 1: Okay, two thouy fifteen ish, fourteen years into Bolimia. I

502
00:25:35,359 --> 00:25:38,560
Speaker 1: started listening to a lot of John Bevie. John Bevie

503
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,360
Speaker 1: is very open about the fact that he was addicted

504
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,000
Speaker 1: to pornography before he got married and early on into

505
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,400
Speaker 1: his marriage. And I really related to John Beavie's addiction

506
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:53,200
Speaker 1: because he was like when I would tell people, they

507
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:56,359
Speaker 1: would say, well, John, just throw out your dirty magazines

508
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,879
Speaker 1: and your tapes, and he was like, you don't understand.

509
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:04,040
Speaker 1: I can close my eyes and play the tape. I

510
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,119
Speaker 1: can see a naked woman. I can see sex all

511
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:09,240
Speaker 1: day long in my mind. My prison is in my mind.

512
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:12,639
Speaker 1: People will say that to you when you have an

513
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:15,600
Speaker 1: eating disorder, like we'll just stop throwing up, and you're like,

514
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:16,719
Speaker 1: it doesn't work like that.

515
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,920
Speaker 3: Like my metabolism is a little bit shot right now.

516
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:22,480
Speaker 1: But more than my metabolism, it's like my body does

517
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,679
Speaker 1: not know how to fully process this thing because I

518
00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:27,120
Speaker 1: have not been processing like.

519
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:31,400
Speaker 3: A full meal for fifteen years. Like my gut is

520
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:34,200
Speaker 3: all over the place, Like this is scary.

521
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,639
Speaker 2: It's scary to think about swallowing keeping all that food.

522
00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:42,840
Speaker 3: In the calories, you know, Oh my gosh. We get

523
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,240
Speaker 3: into so many gross things that we do when we're boleemic.

524
00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:47,200
Speaker 3: Like ooh, eating ice cream? Does that makes it feel

525
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:48,000
Speaker 3: better when you throw up?

526
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,560
Speaker 1: You know, like takes the burn away, like all these

527
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:54,720
Speaker 1: disgusting things that you do that I did. So I

528
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,720
Speaker 1: was listening to John Vivie and he's talking about how

529
00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:58,680
Speaker 1: it's an addiction. I was talking about how he got

530
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,480
Speaker 1: free of it, and that for me was like kind

531
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:03,520
Speaker 1: of the first like, Okay, the key has been put

532
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:07,240
Speaker 1: in your like prison cell. I always kind of visualized

533
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:12,680
Speaker 1: my eating disorder spiritually as like I'm in this prison cell.

534
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:16,200
Speaker 1: Nobody knows I'm in, and I don't think I'm ever

535
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,720
Speaker 1: gonna get out of it, and I know Jesus provided

536
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:20,760
Speaker 1: the key, but like I can't find my way out.

537
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:23,679
Speaker 1: I can't get out of these things so awful. So

538
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,880
Speaker 1: I felt like listening to John Vivere was like key's

539
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,320
Speaker 1: in the door. I hear it like click, and I'm like, Okay,

540
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,359
Speaker 1: this is interesting. At the same time, I'm listening to

541
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:33,240
Speaker 1: a lot of Graham Cook, I'm listening to a lot

542
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:35,600
Speaker 1: of people, and I'm really like frustrated that I'm not

543
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:39,880
Speaker 1: spiritually living in signs of wonders. I'm like righteously jealous

544
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:41,440
Speaker 1: for the things of the Lord things.

545
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:46,919
Speaker 3: Of the spirit. And then I so I start. I

546
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,600
Speaker 3: told like two of my girlfriends who are Christian, and

547
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:52,000
Speaker 3: they're awesome, but they love me right and they also

548
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:58,960
Speaker 3: have been sold the well intentioned but slippery slope.

549
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:03,480
Speaker 1: I don't want to call it a lie, that's too

550
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:10,399
Speaker 1: strong a word, but like misinformation, miss misapplied theology, maybe

551
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:12,720
Speaker 1: that a lot of us have adopted because it's comfortable

552
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:18,240
Speaker 1: that it's okay to sin, because Jesus's blood covers that

553
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:22,840
Speaker 1: all good lies are bathed in a lot of truth.

554
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,280
Speaker 1: There's a lot of truth to that statement. There's a

555
00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:30,280
Speaker 1: lot of lies. The Bible says that, yes, Jesus's blood

556
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:31,200
Speaker 1: covers all sin.

557
00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:34,320
Speaker 3: Jesus died for every single person. He died for me.

558
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:36,840
Speaker 3: I deserve death. I deserve it.

559
00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:39,680
Speaker 1: I deserve it like if you've and it even says

560
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:43,160
Speaker 1: like if you've sinned one sin, you're guilty of committing

561
00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,120
Speaker 1: them all. So like we shouldn't judge other people like

562
00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:49,920
Speaker 1: I one hundred percent do not deserve to go to

563
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:52,440
Speaker 1: heaven because it is not about my righteousness, it's not

564
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:54,400
Speaker 1: about my good works. I've done a lot of good

565
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:59,720
Speaker 1: for the world. I'm very into philanthropy, but Jesus's righteousness,

566
00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:02,040
Speaker 1: God standards are so much higher than us that he

567
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:06,720
Speaker 1: had to send Jesus himself. And Jesus also, guys, just

568
00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:09,000
Speaker 1: so like can't pay for his im Jesus.

569
00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:10,800
Speaker 3: This is so encouraging. Jesus was not the plan be

570
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:15,000
Speaker 3: Jesus was planning. God knew. It says.

571
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:17,320
Speaker 1: It's in the Bible all over the place. Three places

572
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:20,480
Speaker 1: I could cite you right now, Revelation. I think first Peter,

573
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:24,600
Speaker 1: maybe Colossians. Okay, I think Isaiah like gets throughout the Bible.

574
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:26,360
Speaker 3: It says.

575
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:29,720
Speaker 1: In so many words, this is straight from Revelation, though

576
00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:34,480
Speaker 1: before the foundations of the world were laid, the lamb

577
00:29:34,520 --> 00:29:39,040
Speaker 1: was already slain, which means because God exists outside of time,

578
00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:44,640
Speaker 1: Time was a concept that God. Time was a concept

579
00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:47,760
Speaker 1: and almost like a dimensional concept. If you want to

580
00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:49,080
Speaker 1: get in linked to physics and stuff like that.

581
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:49,719
Speaker 3: I love science.

582
00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:52,000
Speaker 1: I won't like go to nerdy on you, guys, but

583
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:55,560
Speaker 1: like time is a construct that the Lord created on

584
00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:56,160
Speaker 1: our behalf.

585
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:58,640
Speaker 3: God exists outside of time.

586
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:01,560
Speaker 1: The best analogy I've ever heard for that is by

587
00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:05,480
Speaker 1: John Burke, doctor John Burke. He says that think of

588
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:08,760
Speaker 1: time like this when you are viewing a parade, and

589
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:13,480
Speaker 1: you are sitting on a corner. You can see the

590
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:17,120
Speaker 1: parade that's about to come. You can see the parade

591
00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:19,640
Speaker 1: act that's right in front of you, and you can

592
00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:21,440
Speaker 1: look to your other side and you can see the

593
00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:24,880
Speaker 1: parade that just passed you. You can see all three

594
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:27,920
Speaker 1: time periods at the same time. What is to come,

595
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:31,680
Speaker 1: what's here, what's already come. That's kind of how God

596
00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:35,960
Speaker 1: views the earth, like he is outside of time. A

597
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,160
Speaker 1: wise builder, Jesus say, is a parable of a wise

598
00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:40,480
Speaker 1: builder builds his house not on the sand, but on rock.

599
00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:45,840
Speaker 1: A wise builder, Jesus says, calculates the cost before he

600
00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:48,280
Speaker 1: sits down and builds a project, lest he be ridiculed

601
00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:52,040
Speaker 1: by onlookers. Who is the wisest builder? Of course, it's

602
00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:56,720
Speaker 1: the Lord. It's God Almighty himself. He totally counted the cost,

603
00:30:56,880 --> 00:31:03,040
Speaker 1: he totally knew. Just makes me cry because it's so

604
00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:05,840
Speaker 1: It's like, if you really can grasp it, the love

605
00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:11,160
Speaker 1: of God is so ridiculous. He knew before he ever

606
00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:15,680
Speaker 1: formed the earth that Adam and Eve were gonna sin,

607
00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:19,760
Speaker 1: that we wouldn't be held to the standard, and that

608
00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:23,480
Speaker 1: Jesus is gonna have to die because if you've never

609
00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:25,920
Speaker 1: heard the Gospel, this is all true. Guys, Like the

610
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:28,640
Speaker 1: wages of sin is death. That's what Roman says. But

611
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:31,520
Speaker 1: you see it right in Genesis chapter three, the first

612
00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:34,560
Speaker 1: time sin ever entered the world, God had to kill

613
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:37,960
Speaker 1: an animal in order to cover Adam and Eve's sin

614
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:40,000
Speaker 1: because blood is the payment.

615
00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:41,640
Speaker 3: Death is the payment for sin.

616
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,520
Speaker 1: So there was a sacrificial system that was set up

617
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:48,520
Speaker 1: where animals would die in our stead. But an animal's

618
00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:52,080
Speaker 1: blood is never going to be enough, so Jesus had

619
00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:52,800
Speaker 1: to die himself.

620
00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:56,680
Speaker 3: And when I really think about it, it.

621
00:31:56,680 --> 00:32:00,440
Speaker 1: Amazes me because it's like, who is man that you

622
00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:03,280
Speaker 1: would man? When I say nan, that's a Bible verse,

623
00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:04,440
Speaker 1: I mean men and women?

624
00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:08,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, who is humanity? Lord? What is so special about

625
00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:13,640
Speaker 3: us that you need a relationship with us that you

626
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,280
Speaker 3: crave a relationship with us, that your life feels so

627
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,880
Speaker 3: incomplete without us, that you would create a.

628
00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:21,760
Speaker 1: World that you knew was going to turn against you

629
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:26,040
Speaker 1: and do all sorts of evil from the beginning to

630
00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:26,960
Speaker 1: the end of the earth.

631
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:28,920
Speaker 3: We were going to do evil. There is so much

632
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,800
Speaker 3: evil in the world today, and you decided.

633
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:33,960
Speaker 1: To do it anyway, and you knew that you yourself

634
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:36,640
Speaker 1: would pay the price because you wanted to have a

635
00:32:36,680 --> 00:32:39,240
Speaker 1: relationship with us. That is the value that we hold

636
00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:42,880
Speaker 1: to the Lord. I cannot fully understand that. I can

637
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:44,960
Speaker 1: only understand it in part. But it makes me weep

638
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:50,400
Speaker 1: every time. And Jesus's death was so excruciating. They've been

639
00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:53,040
Speaker 1: studying the Shroud of Turn for forever, right, there was

640
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:54,920
Speaker 1: a recent discovery in the Shroud of Turn that one

641
00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:58,080
Speaker 1: of Jesus's eyes was fully pulled out before he even

642
00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:00,960
Speaker 1: went to the cross, because it got stuck on one

643
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:03,520
Speaker 1: of the cat of Nine tails and it was ripped out.

644
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:06,920
Speaker 1: It said he was so deformed by the time he

645
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:11,120
Speaker 1: got to the cross, stripped naked guys that they could

646
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 1: not tell whether he was a man or a woman.

647
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:15,920
Speaker 1: Like he had been mutilated to the point where like

648
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:20,440
Speaker 1: he is genderless now. And he did that for us,

649
00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:22,800
Speaker 1: and he knew, and he did it for us, and

650
00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:26,880
Speaker 1: he didn't even he let it happen, he knew. It's amazing.

651
00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:31,600
Speaker 1: So it says I believe it's in Colossians. I would

652
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:34,920
Speaker 1: have to like confirm that, but like anything, I say, God,

653
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:36,960
Speaker 1: it's I mean, guys, it's in the Bible.

654
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:37,600
Speaker 3: Go look it up.

655
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:39,680
Speaker 1: Yourself, like what, I know what I'm saying. I know

656
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:42,640
Speaker 1: what I'm quoting is in there. Whether it's in Colossians

657
00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:44,280
Speaker 1: or Corinthians, it does not matter.

658
00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:55,040
Speaker 3: It says that it might even be Hebrews. If you know.

659
00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:59,760
Speaker 1: That your sin is sin, and you keep on doing it,

660
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:03,840
Speaker 1: then you nullify the blood of Jesus. You make his

661
00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:08,440
Speaker 1: sacrifice not able to cover you. And furthermore, it says

662
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:13,799
Speaker 1: that you continually crucify him. You put him back on

663
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:16,920
Speaker 1: the cross over and over. You demand that he'd die

664
00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:19,520
Speaker 1: over and over and over for you because you are

665
00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:21,040
Speaker 1: too selfish.

666
00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:22,000
Speaker 3: And I'm saying I.

667
00:34:21,920 --> 00:34:24,160
Speaker 1: Am too selfish. I'm not trying to point my finger, guys.

668
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,000
Speaker 1: I'm pointing my finger at my own self. This was

669
00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:29,160
Speaker 1: the conversations and the reality that's true that I had

670
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:31,759
Speaker 1: to come to understand.

671
00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:34,920
Speaker 3: It wasn't that his blood would cover me. Yeah, his

672
00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:37,960
Speaker 3: blood will cover me, but I have to repent. If

673
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:42,640
Speaker 3: I don't repent, then I don't know that like I don't.

674
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:49,400
Speaker 1: This is generally speaking based on my interpretation of scriptures

675
00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:51,080
Speaker 1: as far as I have ever been to study.

676
00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:54,799
Speaker 3: I would so love to be wrong. So this I

677
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,920
Speaker 3: want to just put a caveat that like this is me.

678
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,880
Speaker 1: I truly believe that if I had died while I

679
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:07,399
Speaker 1: was blaming, I don't know that I would have gone

680
00:35:07,440 --> 00:35:07,800
Speaker 1: to heaven.

681
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:13,320
Speaker 3: I don't know. I'm not the judge. God is super merciful.

682
00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:17,879
Speaker 1: But I also was very much abusing his grace and

683
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:19,239
Speaker 1: his ability to cover me.

684
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:20,839
Speaker 3: By his blood.

685
00:35:21,719 --> 00:35:24,000
Speaker 1: So I had two girlfriends I tell and they're like, oh, John,

686
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:26,719
Speaker 1: don't worry about that. The grace, the grace covers you.

687
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:28,440
Speaker 1: And I remember literally like one of them, I was

688
00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:30,160
Speaker 1: on a hike and I was like, please, I feel

689
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:32,319
Speaker 1: like I'm about to step out of this. Could you

690
00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:34,959
Speaker 1: just stop talking because I don't want you to talk

691
00:35:35,080 --> 00:35:37,480
Speaker 1: me out like I'm at the door. I'm at the door, like.

692
00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:41,280
Speaker 3: Please, don't please don't tell me like don't like, don't.

693
00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:43,279
Speaker 1: Lull me back to sleep, like don't push me back

694
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:45,400
Speaker 1: into this prison by telling me that like his grace

695
00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:47,520
Speaker 1: covers me, Like, let's just end this conversation.

696
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:50,080
Speaker 3: Let's talk about something else. Then I'm in this.

697
00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:56,960
Speaker 1: Church service and my pastor says, and this is Roman's

698
00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:59,560
Speaker 1: fourteen twenty three. I've since found it in the Bible.

699
00:35:59,640 --> 00:35:59,920
Speaker 3: Verbati.

700
00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:04,520
Speaker 1: He said, the best definition I can come up with,

701
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:07,960
Speaker 1: for sin is trusting in anything more than you trust

702
00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:08,400
Speaker 1: in the Lord.

703
00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:11,439
Speaker 3: That's actually what Roman's fourteen twenty three says.

704
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:14,880
Speaker 1: Roman's fourteen twenty three, based on your translation, says anything

705
00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:17,480
Speaker 1: that does not proceed from trust, it's sin.

706
00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:24,560
Speaker 3: Yeah. And in that moment I realized, like, oh, okay,

707
00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:27,960
Speaker 3: BLIVI mea is a sin. I was so grateful.

708
00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:31,000
Speaker 1: I felt like a pressure was just released off of

709
00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:36,080
Speaker 1: me because somebody finally told it to me straight. And

710
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:38,720
Speaker 1: I just want to say, like, as somebody that's totally

711
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:46,600
Speaker 1: an evangelist at heart, we so often don't tell other

712
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:51,880
Speaker 1: people about Jesus because of our own comfort or wanting

713
00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:56,640
Speaker 1: people's approval. And at the same time, I think most people,

714
00:36:57,440 --> 00:36:59,720
Speaker 1: when they're ready to make a decision, just want somebody

715
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,680
Speaker 1: to tell it to them straight, like it's very loving

716
00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:06,040
Speaker 1: as long as you bathe it in love, and not

717
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:08,040
Speaker 1: like judgment, like let me.

718
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:10,320
Speaker 3: Tell it to you straight, like there is no hope

719
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:11,280
Speaker 3: outside of Jesus.

720
00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:15,319
Speaker 1: Right, we're not good enough Christ, Yeah, right.

721
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:18,000
Speaker 3: It says my righteousness.

722
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:20,280
Speaker 1: It says in the Bible, my righteousness is like filthy

723
00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:22,719
Speaker 1: rags to the Lord. Filthy rags are the cloths they

724
00:37:22,719 --> 00:37:25,360
Speaker 1: would use to wipe themselves after they use the restroom,

725
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:28,880
Speaker 1: or to clot their blood during their periods. That is

726
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:32,440
Speaker 1: what the Lord thinks about our righteousness. He's proud of

727
00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:33,160
Speaker 1: us when we.

728
00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:34,800
Speaker 3: Co labor with him.

729
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:37,480
Speaker 1: He's proud of the philanthropy that I have done. That

730
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:42,800
Speaker 1: pleases him because he loves people. But the minute I think,

731
00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:47,960
Speaker 1: aren't I amazing because of all these great humanitarian.

732
00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:52,000
Speaker 3: Works I do, the Lord's like gross. I was recently.

733
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:53,359
Speaker 3: I'm going to get off subject for a second.

734
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:56,840
Speaker 1: It makes me laugh and I apologize in advance because

735
00:37:57,280 --> 00:37:59,440
Speaker 1: sometimes I'm too transparent and I say things and I'm like,

736
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:02,560
Speaker 1: maybe I should, but whatever, I'm a transparent person. And

737
00:38:03,719 --> 00:38:05,640
Speaker 1: you either like me or you don't. It's just okay,

738
00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:07,239
Speaker 1: you know, I'm forty one. I'm over it.

739
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:10,560
Speaker 3: I was recently kind.

740
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:14,359
Speaker 1: Of bamboozled into being a judge at the Missed Virginia

741
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:18,800
Speaker 1: like primary, okay, okay, it was a situation.

742
00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:20,799
Speaker 3: All have been on me.

743
00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:24,560
Speaker 1: It sounds so brutal at a charity event to have

744
00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:27,080
Speaker 1: dinner with me and they bamboozle me into like becoming

745
00:38:27,120 --> 00:38:28,000
Speaker 1: a judge.

746
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,480
Speaker 3: At this pageant, and I pageants are not my thing.

747
00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:33,440
Speaker 3: They make me very sad, especially as somebody that used

748
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:35,600
Speaker 3: to have a new disorder. I know the girls, some

749
00:38:35,719 --> 00:38:39,319
Speaker 3: girls that do pageants. I'm gonna be honest, like, I

750
00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:40,560
Speaker 3: don't I'm not them.

751
00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:42,440
Speaker 1: Some of them love it. And if you love it

752
00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:44,600
Speaker 1: and you love pageants, like that's so great. I'm so

753
00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:46,920
Speaker 1: happy for you that you found something that you love.

754
00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:49,880
Speaker 1: But me, as gen Lily, usually it just makes me

755
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:52,720
Speaker 1: really sad because it's like, do you know that you're amazing?

756
00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:54,920
Speaker 3: I don't know, Like do you know that you have worked?

757
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,880
Speaker 3: Do you know that like this is much more than

758
00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:59,319
Speaker 3: a beauty pageant. Like that just makes me a little

759
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:00,320
Speaker 3: bit like a little ringing.

760
00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:04,960
Speaker 1: And I was watching this girl in doing her talent,

761
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:07,880
Speaker 1: and I had this like moment where I was watching

762
00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:11,000
Speaker 1: her and I was like, oh my gosh, this must

763
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:17,040
Speaker 1: be how the Lord feels about our righteous acts. Because

764
00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:19,560
Speaker 1: she was so proud of herself and she was like

765
00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:23,279
Speaker 1: trained on all the right poses and like like the

766
00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:27,400
Speaker 1: most aggressive, smiling and like so proud of herself, like

767
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:29,920
Speaker 1: and she was saying whatever her speech was was like

768
00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:32,680
Speaker 1: my names blah blah blah, and I'm done this, this,

769
00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:35,600
Speaker 1: that and that, and I'm like thank you, you know,

770
00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:37,640
Speaker 1: and it was like it was like she was trained

771
00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:40,319
Speaker 1: to do what people are going to give her high

772
00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:40,840
Speaker 1: marks for.

773
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:44,160
Speaker 3: But all I thought was like, oh my gosh, this

774
00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:46,000
Speaker 3: much like this is a really weird.

775
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:48,520
Speaker 1: Out of body spiritual experience where I feel like that

776
00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:50,480
Speaker 1: must be how the Lord feels when we parade our

777
00:39:50,560 --> 00:39:51,680
Speaker 1: righteousness before him.

778
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:55,319
Speaker 3: Why He's like, what, like, that's not why I like you.

779
00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:59,319
Speaker 1: I like you because I don't like good Like if

780
00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:01,239
Speaker 1: you know you accomplished a those things, I'm.

781
00:40:01,120 --> 00:40:04,200
Speaker 3: Proud of you, But that's like build relationship, that's a

782
00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:10,520
Speaker 3: resume and I don't like it. So anyway, so I

783
00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:11,239
Speaker 3: realized that.

784
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:14,040
Speaker 1: Bolimia was a sin, and I realized in that moment,

785
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:17,480
Speaker 1: I'm trusting tons.

786
00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:19,200
Speaker 3: Of things other than God.

787
00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:21,600
Speaker 1: And I will say, on the other side of my

788
00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:24,960
Speaker 1: eating disorder, that's still the plumb line. That's still the

789
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:28,160
Speaker 1: test for me. What am I trusting right now more

790
00:40:28,160 --> 00:40:30,640
Speaker 1: than I'm trusting in God. I'll give you a current example.

791
00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:32,920
Speaker 1: I don't have an acting job right now. This is

792
00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:35,600
Speaker 1: I have four kids. This is the first time since

793
00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:38,200
Speaker 1: I've ever had kids that I've not had a contract,

794
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:40,200
Speaker 1: I've not had jobs lined up.

795
00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:41,960
Speaker 3: This is the first time I'm not a series regular.

796
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:43,920
Speaker 1: This is the first time I'm not under contract to

797
00:40:43,960 --> 00:40:49,040
Speaker 1: a specific network, and it's a little bit scary.

798
00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:53,840
Speaker 3: And at the same time I'm like, well that's dumb, Jen, Like,

799
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:54,880
Speaker 3: why are you worried?

800
00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:59,200
Speaker 1: Jesus said, who can add a moment to their life

801
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:03,840
Speaker 1: by worrying? Jesus said, seek first the Kingdom of God

802
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:06,680
Speaker 1: and it's righteousness, and all these things will be added

803
00:41:06,719 --> 00:41:06,920
Speaker 1: to you.

804
00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:09,840
Speaker 3: Jesus says, we're worth more than the sparrows and the pharaoh's.

805
00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:14,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, spirits, and we are worth more than the pharaoh's

806
00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:18,120
Speaker 1: so the sparrows.

807
00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:23,759
Speaker 3: And we're yeah, yeah, exactly, thank you. We're worth more

808
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:26,440
Speaker 3: than not to him, like, and he says like, don't

809
00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:28,880
Speaker 3: be like the unrighteous, Like that's a pagan thing to

810
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:31,239
Speaker 3: worry about what you'll wear, what you eat, what you eat.

811
00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:33,120
Speaker 1: Don't you know I'm a good father, Like don't you

812
00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:35,120
Speaker 1: know your father in heaven is going to provide for you.

813
00:41:35,719 --> 00:41:38,960
Speaker 1: And also no one's ever been like there are so

814
00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:41,360
Speaker 1: many promises in the Bible if you take care of

815
00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:44,279
Speaker 1: widows and orphans, which is like my flip an m o.

816
00:41:46,280 --> 00:41:47,960
Speaker 3: God's not gonna like withhold from you.

817
00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:50,799
Speaker 1: He's not gonna be like, sucker, you should not have

818
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:52,480
Speaker 1: given that large of a donation.

819
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:56,799
Speaker 3: Gotchas, you know. But it was like I was in

820
00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:59,240
Speaker 3: prayer and I was like and I had to ask myself,

821
00:41:59,320 --> 00:42:01,839
Speaker 3: like right, I was feeling a little anxious about it,

822
00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:03,319
Speaker 3: like like what are we going to do? Lord? Like

823
00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:04,640
Speaker 3: where you know?

824
00:42:04,719 --> 00:42:07,440
Speaker 1: And He's just like, don't you want to be in

825
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:09,359
Speaker 1: my perfect will? Like I got plans for you, Like

826
00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:11,440
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna make I'm gonna make sure your kids

827
00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:14,760
Speaker 1: have food, you can pay your electric bill, Like, don't worry.

828
00:42:15,120 --> 00:42:18,120
Speaker 1: What are you trusting right now? Ye, you're trusting your

829
00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:22,080
Speaker 1: own ability to hustle over me providing for you. That's dumb,

830
00:42:23,160 --> 00:42:26,360
Speaker 1: you know. So I use this test for everything. But

831
00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:29,360
Speaker 1: in that sermon, I was sitting there and I was like, man,

832
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:35,160
Speaker 1: I'm trusting I'm trusting that by have an Indian disorder,

833
00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:38,919
Speaker 1: all stay thin. I'm trusting the lie that my metabolism

834
00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:43,640
Speaker 1: is wrecked. I'm trusting that by being thin, I don't

835
00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:48,280
Speaker 1: have a career, you know, I'm trusting all this garbage.

836
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:52,960
Speaker 1: I'm trusting garbage. And so I wasn't immediately healed, but

837
00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:55,399
Speaker 1: I remember going home and thinking about it and being

838
00:42:55,480 --> 00:42:58,279
Speaker 1: like I remember in that moment being like, all right,

839
00:42:58,320 --> 00:43:01,240
Speaker 1: I'm not going to throw up anymore. Of course I did, guys,

840
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:03,680
Speaker 1: of course I did for a while that I hadn't

841
00:43:03,719 --> 00:43:10,480
Speaker 1: told my husband so because I believed that my husband

842
00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:14,759
Speaker 1: would leave me, like I one hundred percent pretty much

843
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:17,279
Speaker 1: everybody had ever told I have an eating disorder, they

844
00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:19,200
Speaker 1: had a very bad reaction, or they kind of just

845
00:43:19,239 --> 00:43:22,319
Speaker 1: abandoned me on the play in some way, fashion or form.

846
00:43:23,719 --> 00:43:26,720
Speaker 1: And my husband's very godly, which is why his reaction

847
00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:31,799
Speaker 1: was amazing. But I just thought, like, he's gonna think, like,

848
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:35,320
Speaker 1: who's this sham spirit filled girl who says she loves you?

849
00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:38,239
Speaker 3: This? Like these are the lies When you are in

850
00:43:38,280 --> 00:43:39,120
Speaker 3: a shame cycle.

851
00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:41,960
Speaker 1: The Bible says that like the enemy, like Satan, comes

852
00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:42,719
Speaker 1: as an accuser.

853
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:45,160
Speaker 3: He comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

854
00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:50,839
Speaker 1: The difference between conviction and shame is that conviction which

855
00:43:50,880 --> 00:43:54,279
Speaker 1: some people mislabel as guilt, that guilty feeling you would have.

856
00:43:54,440 --> 00:43:56,840
Speaker 1: If it's from the Holy Spirit, it's called conviction, and

857
00:43:56,920 --> 00:44:00,920
Speaker 1: it always brings about change. Because great doesn't mean the

858
00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:04,360
Speaker 1: ability the free will to do anything. Grace actually means empowerment.

859
00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:06,920
Speaker 1: God will ask you to do something and then he

860
00:44:06,960 --> 00:44:09,239
Speaker 1: will empower you to do it. You have to meet

861
00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:10,400
Speaker 1: him halfway.

862
00:44:10,719 --> 00:44:12,759
Speaker 3: Most of the time, there are exceptions.

863
00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:16,200
Speaker 1: There are so many miraculous exceptions where like you didn't

864
00:44:16,239 --> 00:44:19,799
Speaker 1: do anything and he just did it, you.

865
00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:23,879
Speaker 3: Know, and that's awesome. Salvation is one of those.

866
00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:29,239
Speaker 1: But I I really thought, like my husband's gonna leave me,

867
00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:32,080
Speaker 1: Like he's gonna be so upset that like I've lied

868
00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:34,600
Speaker 1: to him all these years. He's not gonna he's gonna

869
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:37,120
Speaker 1: feel like I'm not saved. He's gonna all these lies that,

870
00:44:37,200 --> 00:44:40,640
Speaker 1: like I believed. It's because if you feel guilt, then

871
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:43,319
Speaker 1: it condemns you and it doesn't bring about change. That's

872
00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:47,279
Speaker 1: called shame. That's from the enemy. Yeah, so I kept

873
00:44:47,280 --> 00:44:49,960
Speaker 1: trying to do it on my own without telling my husband.

874
00:44:51,040 --> 00:44:53,319
Speaker 1: But he's so sweet and he would be like he

875
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:55,160
Speaker 1: worked for free to la and he'd be bringing me

876
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:57,160
Speaker 1: back like bags of Cheetahs'd be like I got your

877
00:44:57,200 --> 00:44:59,919
Speaker 1: favorite or like jars of peanut butter or like ice

878
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:01,600
Speaker 1: cy up because he was like.

879
00:45:01,920 --> 00:45:05,160
Speaker 3: He knew like all my favorite binge shoes, and so

880
00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:06,359
Speaker 3: to be sweet.

881
00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:08,719
Speaker 1: He'd be like, look I got you, and I'd be like, ah, like.

882
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:13,880
Speaker 3: You know that like I can't. I can't handle that

883
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:14,520
Speaker 3: right now.

884
00:45:15,640 --> 00:45:18,760
Speaker 1: I just got to a point where I would repent

885
00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:22,760
Speaker 1: and then like I would freak out. I would ask myself,

886
00:45:22,840 --> 00:45:25,080
Speaker 1: like here's how I walked up my repentance. I would

887
00:45:25,080 --> 00:45:28,400
Speaker 1: constantly ask myself, what am I trusting more now than

888
00:45:28,400 --> 00:45:29,279
Speaker 1: I'm trusting in God?

889
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:32,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I got to a point where.

890
00:45:32,280 --> 00:45:37,080
Speaker 1: I'm so frustrated, where I was like, Lord, I'm so close,

891
00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:41,000
Speaker 1: Like I'm so close. I actually really want you more

892
00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:44,319
Speaker 1: than I want this eating disorder. And as much as

893
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:46,640
Speaker 1: I love my acting career, like Lord, even if that

894
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:48,719
Speaker 1: ends because I'm fat and I don't get jobs again,

895
00:45:48,760 --> 00:45:51,680
Speaker 1: it's a lie. I'm trusting there are many bigger actors

896
00:45:51,680 --> 00:45:52,480
Speaker 1: who work.

897
00:45:52,840 --> 00:45:53,439
Speaker 3: And who care.

898
00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:58,440
Speaker 1: Like who cares doesn't even matter, you know. I finally

899
00:45:58,480 --> 00:46:00,480
Speaker 1: told my husband I was like, got my going to

900
00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:04,160
Speaker 1: leave me? I had made up the decision, just thinking,

901
00:46:04,960 --> 00:46:06,880
Speaker 1: all right, this is the day that like, my husband's

902
00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:10,600
Speaker 1: going to leave me. But I'd rather be single and

903
00:46:10,719 --> 00:46:15,319
Speaker 1: free and living in the Lord than like stuck in

904
00:46:15,360 --> 00:46:15,840
Speaker 1: this prison.

905
00:46:15,880 --> 00:46:17,680
Speaker 3: I can't. I can't do one more day like this.

906
00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:23,200
Speaker 1: So remember I sat on my bed and I told

907
00:46:23,239 --> 00:46:25,799
Speaker 1: my husband, like I've been blimic. I've been struggling with

908
00:46:25,800 --> 00:46:30,040
Speaker 1: bulimia for this long. And my husband, who loves his

909
00:46:30,080 --> 00:46:32,439
Speaker 1: grandfather but did not even cry when his grandfather died,

910
00:46:32,600 --> 00:46:35,120
Speaker 1: Like this is a man that does not cry, burst

911
00:46:35,200 --> 00:46:35,840
Speaker 1: into tears.

912
00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:42,760
Speaker 3: And he said, I'm so sorry. That was his first words.

913
00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:47,719
Speaker 3: I'm so sorry. I had no idea, Like how long

914
00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:50,840
Speaker 3: has this been going on? I feel like such an idiot.

915
00:46:51,280 --> 00:46:54,359
Speaker 3: And I'm like, you didn't know. I'm so good at

916
00:46:54,400 --> 00:46:57,000
Speaker 3: hiding it. I've been hiding and since I was seventeen, like.

917
00:46:58,719 --> 00:47:02,440
Speaker 1: And so he just me like he had the Jesus reaction,

918
00:47:03,120 --> 00:47:06,560
Speaker 1: like Jesus always runs tward brokenness. I told him every

919
00:47:06,600 --> 00:47:09,120
Speaker 1: bit of my habits because it was basically like even

920
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:11,319
Speaker 1: though I didn't want to write, it was like, because

921
00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:13,160
Speaker 1: there's that part of the control that's like I do

922
00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:15,840
Speaker 1: want the option to be able to retreat back into.

923
00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:18,000
Speaker 3: This if I get fat or.

924
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:19,520
Speaker 1: Something, and I only these are like, these are like

925
00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:20,919
Speaker 1: the arguments you're having at the time.

926
00:47:21,560 --> 00:47:23,080
Speaker 3: And I was like, no, no, no, I gotta just I

927
00:47:23,080 --> 00:47:25,520
Speaker 3: gotta just expose it. I got to expose all my life.

928
00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:26,920
Speaker 3: I got to expose all of it.

929
00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:28,480
Speaker 1: I gotta put all of it in the light so

930
00:47:28,520 --> 00:47:31,680
Speaker 1: that it cannot creep back into the darkness, because things

931
00:47:31,760 --> 00:47:34,520
Speaker 1: lose power when you put them in the light. So

932
00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:37,359
Speaker 1: I told him, like, when you see this every time

933
00:47:37,400 --> 00:47:39,960
Speaker 1: I'm showering at night, Like I am showering, but what

934
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:42,400
Speaker 1: I'm in there is like I'm not taking long showers.

935
00:47:43,160 --> 00:47:47,960
Speaker 1: I'm taking two minute showers. I'm in there like throwing up.

936
00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:50,319
Speaker 1: But before I'm throwing up, I'm doing this, you know,

937
00:47:50,360 --> 00:47:52,200
Speaker 1: because I don't want to throw up, and I'm mad

938
00:47:52,200 --> 00:47:55,400
Speaker 1: at myself for like doing this. I'm shame cycling myself.

939
00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:57,600
Speaker 1: If you see this, this is this. If you see this,

940
00:47:57,600 --> 00:47:57,960
Speaker 1: this is.

941
00:47:57,920 --> 00:47:59,600
Speaker 3: This is how this is. Those are all the things

942
00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:00,080
Speaker 3: that I do.

943
00:48:01,360 --> 00:48:05,840
Speaker 1: The last thing I'll say is that during my recovery,

944
00:48:07,080 --> 00:48:09,399
Speaker 1: I think I'd not been baalimic for like a good

945
00:48:09,520 --> 00:48:11,840
Speaker 1: six months or something like a good six months of

946
00:48:11,840 --> 00:48:14,439
Speaker 1: a year, so I've already like hit that pattern after

947
00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:16,719
Speaker 1: twenty eight days. I think your body it's like twenty

948
00:48:16,760 --> 00:48:18,400
Speaker 1: eight or twenty one days for your body to like

949
00:48:18,400 --> 00:48:21,560
Speaker 1: create a new brain pathway pattern and will beyond that.

950
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:25,120
Speaker 1: So stupid, but hopefully encouraged to somebody because it's true.

951
00:48:25,600 --> 00:48:29,440
Speaker 1: I remember I ate a snack back snack bag size

952
00:48:29,480 --> 00:48:33,600
Speaker 1: of Cheetos, and I was sitting on my couch and

953
00:48:33,640 --> 00:48:35,680
Speaker 1: I started freaking out because I was like.

954
00:48:35,719 --> 00:48:36,799
Speaker 3: I shouldn't have done that.

955
00:48:37,400 --> 00:48:40,160
Speaker 1: I shouldn't have done that, Like I'm gonna I'm gonna

956
00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:41,839
Speaker 1: get fat, like I don't know. All the old lies

957
00:48:41,920 --> 00:48:43,600
Speaker 1: came back up, like this is too many calories, this

958
00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:46,319
Speaker 1: like this has no nutritional value, like this is so bad.

959
00:48:47,200 --> 00:48:50,280
Speaker 1: And I remember hearing the Holy Spirit in my spirit

960
00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:53,520
Speaker 1: immediately say to me, like so gently, so kind, do

961
00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:57,600
Speaker 1: you trust me? And I was like yeah, Like Lord,

962
00:48:57,640 --> 00:49:00,160
Speaker 1: I do trust you, but I'm freaking out. Guys who

963
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,560
Speaker 1: can tell God, you're freaking out? He knows there is

964
00:49:03,640 --> 00:49:06,319
Speaker 1: nothing that we can think or do that we could

965
00:49:06,360 --> 00:49:09,120
Speaker 1: ever hide from him. He can read our thoughts, he

966
00:49:09,160 --> 00:49:11,280
Speaker 1: can read all of it, like we're not that smart.

967
00:49:12,800 --> 00:49:13,880
Speaker 3: And he said, do you trust me?

968
00:49:13,920 --> 00:49:15,719
Speaker 1: And so I remember I went to bed that night

969
00:49:16,200 --> 00:49:18,360
Speaker 1: being like I told Jason. So I ran and told Jason,

970
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:20,239
Speaker 1: my husband. I was like, I'm freaking out. I had

971
00:49:20,280 --> 00:49:21,080
Speaker 1: a badic Jeetos.

972
00:49:21,080 --> 00:49:22,840
Speaker 3: But I am going to trust, Like the Lord asked me,

973
00:49:22,840 --> 00:49:24,279
Speaker 3: if I trust him, I'm going to trust. Hi'm gonna

974
00:49:24,239 --> 00:49:25,040
Speaker 3: go to bed right now.

975
00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:27,600
Speaker 1: But I'm freaking out, so like, just can you just

976
00:49:27,760 --> 00:49:30,120
Speaker 1: like just make sure I don't get up and like

977
00:49:30,200 --> 00:49:33,520
Speaker 1: go throw up. He's like sure, So I go to bed.

978
00:49:34,080 --> 00:49:36,560
Speaker 1: I wake up the next morning, and I weighed myself,

979
00:49:36,600 --> 00:49:37,640
Speaker 1: which I don't do anymore.

980
00:49:40,520 --> 00:49:43,080
Speaker 3: And out of the kindness of the Lord. And this

981
00:49:43,200 --> 00:49:43,879
Speaker 3: is not like a.

982
00:49:43,760 --> 00:49:49,919
Speaker 1: Formula, it's just the kindness of the Lord, I had

983
00:49:49,960 --> 00:49:53,560
Speaker 1: like lost two pounds and I heard the Lord when

984
00:49:53,560 --> 00:49:55,120
Speaker 1: I remember when I saw the number, and I heard

985
00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:58,840
Speaker 1: the Lord say, see, you can trust me, Like I

986
00:49:59,040 --> 00:49:59,880
Speaker 1: know what you're scared of.

987
00:50:01,440 --> 00:50:02,840
Speaker 3: Just keep walking this out with me.

988
00:50:03,760 --> 00:50:10,280
Speaker 1: So it's amazing now because I'm probably like seven solid,

989
00:50:10,360 --> 00:50:13,080
Speaker 1: solid years but like going on nine years of recovery.

990
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:16,120
Speaker 1: I remember the first two years Thanksgiving and Christmas, I

991
00:50:16,160 --> 00:50:21,759
Speaker 1: definitely purged. But I'm seven years, like solid solid, And

992
00:50:24,560 --> 00:50:27,440
Speaker 1: it's interesting because now I can like very much eat the.

993
00:50:27,440 --> 00:50:30,239
Speaker 3: Holiday cookies or cheesecake or you.

994
00:50:30,239 --> 00:50:33,560
Speaker 1: Know things I love, and I can eat them in moderation.

995
00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:35,160
Speaker 1: First of all, I'm no no longer a member of

996
00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:37,440
Speaker 1: the clean plate club. That took me a long time

997
00:50:37,520 --> 00:50:40,320
Speaker 1: to you know, break like children in China and Africa,

998
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:43,120
Speaker 1: not star you know, like save your.

999
00:50:43,120 --> 00:50:44,759
Speaker 3: Leftovers, like, don't enforce it.

1000
00:50:45,200 --> 00:50:47,080
Speaker 1: That's a lot of where my eating disorder kind of

1001
00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:49,239
Speaker 1: was like grown into as well, was like being a

1002
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:55,120
Speaker 1: clean plate club member and then feeling awful. But it's

1003
00:50:55,160 --> 00:50:57,200
Speaker 1: crazy to me that, like I don't ever think like

1004
00:50:57,239 --> 00:50:58,160
Speaker 1: I should go throw up.

1005
00:50:59,040 --> 00:50:59,719
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm never.

1006
00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:03,160
Speaker 1: Never, in my wildest dreams during recovery thought I would

1007
00:51:03,160 --> 00:51:03,480
Speaker 1: get here.

1008
00:51:03,880 --> 00:51:04,680
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1009
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:06,200
Speaker 3: I just thought it would be a daily decision for

1010
00:51:06,200 --> 00:51:09,080
Speaker 3: the rest of my life. Yeah. So I've talked to

1011
00:51:09,120 --> 00:51:11,120
Speaker 3: this whole interview. Sorry, guys, my voice is I know

1012
00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:12,400
Speaker 3: it's annoying.

1013
00:51:13,480 --> 00:51:15,719
Speaker 2: Not at all, Oh, jenn, Well, it is.

1014
00:51:15,760 --> 00:51:16,600
Speaker 3: My voice is annoying.

1015
00:51:17,640 --> 00:51:25,120
Speaker 2: Actually, No, it's amazing. I love that you shared all

1016
00:51:25,200 --> 00:51:28,000
Speaker 2: that with the authenticity that you did. Thank you for

1017
00:51:28,040 --> 00:51:31,680
Speaker 2: sharing your story and I know it's going to touch someone.

1018
00:51:32,360 --> 00:51:35,439
Speaker 2: You also wrote an amazing book and I don't want

1019
00:51:35,440 --> 00:51:39,920
Speaker 2: to leave that out. It's called Wake Up your Faith.

1020
00:51:40,120 --> 00:51:44,279
Speaker 2: And here's the connection I'm seeing, Like, this is what

1021
00:51:44,320 --> 00:51:46,600
Speaker 2: you discovered, this is what you just shared, This is

1022
00:51:46,640 --> 00:51:49,760
Speaker 2: like what my ministry is about. It's like these issues

1023
00:51:49,800 --> 00:51:53,560
Speaker 2: of food and body, they're not about food or body,

1024
00:51:53,960 --> 00:51:56,959
Speaker 2: They're about what we're trusting in, Like what's our faith really.

1025
00:51:56,960 --> 00:52:00,520
Speaker 2: In fact, I'm writing a new book on faith because

1026
00:52:00,560 --> 00:52:02,640
Speaker 2: of that, because in all of my coaching, like that's

1027
00:52:02,680 --> 00:52:03,880
Speaker 2: where we always come to you. It's like, well, what

1028
00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:06,040
Speaker 2: do you really believe? Like do you really believe that

1029
00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:08,960
Speaker 2: you're valuable only because of your you know, body size,

1030
00:52:09,120 --> 00:52:12,279
Speaker 2: or like what do you really believe? And so many

1031
00:52:12,320 --> 00:52:15,160
Speaker 2: of my women have all the gotten Jesus answers like

1032
00:52:15,239 --> 00:52:17,560
Speaker 2: you and I did right, Like we know the truth

1033
00:52:17,920 --> 00:52:20,000
Speaker 2: and we believe the truth, and yet walking in the

1034
00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:23,759
Speaker 2: truth is much more difficult. But I love that you

1035
00:52:23,800 --> 00:52:26,439
Speaker 2: wrote this book, Wake Up Your Faith. I've read many

1036
00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:28,959
Speaker 2: days of it. It's so good, Jen, it's so good,

1037
00:52:29,040 --> 00:52:35,000
Speaker 2: it's so fun. I highly encourage you listeners watchers grab

1038
00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:36,919
Speaker 2: this book. It'll just encourage you day by day.

1039
00:52:37,040 --> 00:52:40,280
Speaker 1: So it's daily devotional is what it is, so especially

1040
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:42,000
Speaker 1: so you can read.

1041
00:52:42,280 --> 00:52:43,879
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it's so good.

1042
00:52:44,280 --> 00:52:47,120
Speaker 2: So check this book out. And Jen, thank you so

1043
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:48,759
Speaker 2: much for being on the show today and thank you

1044
00:52:49,160 --> 00:52:51,160
Speaker 2: for watching or listening. I hope something today is called

1045
00:52:51,200 --> 00:52:54,520
Speaker 2: to stop comparing and start living breath They compared to

1046
00:52:54,520 --> 00:52:55,839
Speaker 2: the show. It's got to be part of a Life

1047
00:52:55,880 --> 00:52:58,759
Speaker 2: Audio podcast network for more great Christian podcast but a

1048
00:52:58,840 --> 00:53:01,040
Speaker 2: Life audio u