Speaker 1: Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Here thousands of
Speaker 1: hours of Dennis's lectures courses in classic radio programs. Had
Speaker 1: to purchase Dennisprager's Rational Bibles go to Dennisprager dot com.
Speaker 2: The question was, can I offer any suggestions on coping?
Speaker 2: Remember we had a list of tensions that life is
Speaker 2: filled with? Can I offer suggestions on coping with the
Speaker 2: tension between work and family? One immediate and perhaps most
Speaker 2: important that comes to mind in a specific recommendation is
Speaker 2: that there have to be regular.
Speaker 3: Set times that family slash spouse.
Speaker 2: Or better family and or spouse, because sometimes it has
Speaker 2: to be spouse without family. Oh I wish I had
Speaker 2: a video camera. Oh God, the way this woman looked
Speaker 2: at her husband at that moment. She practically pulled most
Speaker 2: of his left side here hair out of his head,
Speaker 2: and he's recording it. No less, there has to be
Speaker 2: set times. I think that women more instinctively know this,
Speaker 2: which is why it was his hair that was pulled
Speaker 2: out of hers.
Speaker 3: For family and four spouse and for both.
Speaker 2: As I say, I have learned this and it has
Speaker 2: been very helpful, whether it be you just if you're
Speaker 2: a busy man, at the office. Why can't there be
Speaker 2: lunchtimes with If it's possible to arrange lunchtime with your
Speaker 2: wife or a wife busy lunchtime with your husband. If
Speaker 2: the only time you see your spouse is in the
Speaker 2: family context and then you just fall asleep, it's not
Speaker 2: going to be very helpful for developing or a relationship
Speaker 2: with your spouse, and certainly not for any romance. You know,
Speaker 2: dating has so many advantages over marriage in terms of romance.
Speaker 2: It's planned, right, you know, you'll go out and nobody.
Speaker 2: Very few people date five minutes before it's usually you know,
Speaker 2: what are you doing Saturday night? Okay, so you have
Speaker 2: all week to prepare for Saturday night in mood, in
Speaker 2: relaxation and getting the work out of the way, in
Speaker 2: how you look, in everything, so that that person is
Speaker 2: the overwhelming object of your attentions. You should try to
Speaker 2: date a little. I think when you're married, okay, continue
Speaker 2: dating as it were, having some of those special times together,
Speaker 2: times with them, times that could be with the family.
Speaker 2: If I know this in most I can only speak
Speaker 2: for men better than for women, much better. Most men
Speaker 2: do not naturally think of the priority of wife and
Speaker 2: family in terms of time, they say, and with utter sincerity.
Speaker 3: I love my wife, I love.
Speaker 2: My kids, but in terms of time you would never
Speaker 2: know it. So that I would say, is one area
Speaker 2: of coping. Now you want to know the coping internal mechanism,
Speaker 2: because this is a course on happiness, after all, You
Speaker 2: might argue, Okay, let's say he does that, but doesn't
Speaker 2: he suffer the tension of the decline in his work,
Speaker 2: which you are nodding very strongly about, because that's really
Speaker 2: what's the subtext of your question. I understand that it's
Speaker 2: not a course on a successful marriage. It's a course
Speaker 2: on happiness. That is why I am such a big
Speaker 2: believer in making intellectual philosophic decisions about what is important
Speaker 2: in life. And you have to make that decision if,
Speaker 2: in fact, work is so overwhelmingly more important. And I
Speaker 2: don't condemn anyone for whom it is. I think that
Speaker 2: you have to strongly consider not marrying or strongly consider
Speaker 2: not having children until such time as you feel you
Speaker 2: are ready.
Speaker 3: And a lot of men, by the way, do that.
Speaker 3: A lot of men want.
Speaker 2: To work their tail off in their twenties to get
Speaker 2: somewhere to study. They can't, you know, to finally establish
Speaker 2: a business, and or at least this is the way
Speaker 2: they may think, and then finally, at certain age they
Speaker 2: will be able to devote more time to the family.
Speaker 2: They don't, that's what they think, and then they don't
Speaker 2: because then once they're established, you have to stay one
Speaker 2: step ahead of the competition. Well, then you have to
Speaker 2: answer to yourself, where are your priorities? That's what tensions
Speaker 2: are about, figuring out priorities. I gave you the example
Speaker 2: of I was offered years ago a radio show that
Speaker 2: would go on Friday nights. It was so obvious to me,
Speaker 2: for religious reasons, that I would not work on a
Speaker 2: Friday night that it was the end of the issue.
Speaker 2: Wasn't tempting, I didn't feel terrible. My priorities were clear.
Speaker 2: The Sabbath is sacrisanc to me. No amount of money,
Speaker 2: no prestigious position, will enable me to sacrifice it. Which
Speaker 2: is why I've always related to the Christian runner in
Speaker 2: Chariots of Fire.
Speaker 3: Who ironically just died of aids.
Speaker 2: I heard the actor himself, but that runner said, gold
Speaker 2: metal wonderful, but it doesn't compare to the Sabbath. You
Speaker 2: have to be able to say I want to advance
Speaker 2: in my career, but not so much that that is it,
Speaker 2: except for all else. If it is it, you shouldn't
Speaker 2: be married, or you should be married to someone who
Speaker 2: is willing to say if indeed there is such a
Speaker 2: woman on the face of the earth. And I mean
Speaker 2: with all sincerity, that's fine. This is the most important
Speaker 2: thing to you. I am absolutely secondary. When you have
Speaker 2: time from your work, you will see me. I know
Speaker 2: that as we go into the marriage, she's probably lying
Speaker 2: through her teeth. She should give her a lie, detect
Speaker 2: her test. You should take her blood count and see
Speaker 2: if she is hallucinating. But if she actually is saying that,
Speaker 2: then all right here and all you've been honest. She's
Speaker 2: been honest, and so on. By the way, there might
Speaker 2: be women for whom careers that important is much less
Speaker 2: less common. And I don't think that that is just the.
Speaker 3: Social I think it is very much part of what
Speaker 3: is the makeup.
Speaker 2: Of the two sexes. But if it is societal, so fine.
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter to me which argument prevails. What is
Speaker 2: important is people have to understand what is important. It
Speaker 2: is a philosophic decision. That's why I'm a big believer
Speaker 2: on moral issues and an emotional issues like this that
Speaker 2: at very calm moments, like a Tuesday night in mid February,
Speaker 2: people sit down and decide what's important to them. You
Speaker 2: can't decide it all of a sudden, in the middle
Speaker 2: of seeing your family fall apart.
Speaker 3: It may be very well too late. You must know
Speaker 3: at calm moments.
Speaker 2: When I ask high school kids, would you save your
Speaker 2: dog or a stranger first if both were drowning, their
Speaker 2: favorite answer is, well, I don't know, you know, how
Speaker 2: do you know what you'll do in such a moment.
Speaker 2: It's a real difficult thing to know. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I love my dog, Okay, I say so. I say
Speaker 2: you have to decide now while your dog isn't drowning,
Speaker 2: what are your values? Is your dog, whom you love,
Speaker 2: more important than the stranger that you don't love. You
Speaker 2: must decide, when it is calm in life, what is
Speaker 2: truly important to you, and then live by it. That's
Speaker 2: why I'm a big believer in the place of the
Speaker 2: intellect in the arena of happiness. It's not the only
Speaker 2: thing in happiness, but it's a cool, calm, collected decision.
Speaker 2: I can tell you this. A rabbi once made a
Speaker 2: very powerful point. I think on one of my radio shows,
Speaker 2: he said, when with all the dying men that he
Speaker 2: has been to visiting in hospitals, he never met one
Speaker 2: who said on that bed, gee, I wish I spent
Speaker 2: more time at the office. Okay. It is a very
Speaker 2: very important point for men to remember, because I know,
Speaker 2: as well as any man in this room, as well
Speaker 2: as any man in America, I am very ambitious, I
Speaker 2: am very devoted to my work, etc.
Speaker 3: And when I get involved, there is nothing else in
Speaker 3: the world.
Speaker 2: I know that I'm writing an article, or I'm on
Speaker 2: the phone all day or something, and you know, just
Speaker 2: everything can drift away, the time just flying, Oh my god.
Speaker 2: And that is why these are decisions that one has
Speaker 2: to make intellectually, and then all of a sudden you realize, Okay,
Speaker 2: su fine, you'll sacrifice, you won't be a partner in
Speaker 2: the law firm that fast. That is correct, I submit
Speaker 2: to you. And this was really from last term when
Speaker 2: I argue that one of the obstacles to happiness is
Speaker 2: the belief that success makes you happy. If you believe
Speaker 2: that you have bought, you bought the Brooklyn Bridge, the
Speaker 2: proverbial bridge, There's a very simple way to prove that,
Speaker 2: which I elaborated on last term, and that is ask
Speaker 2: highly successful people if that is what has brought them happiness,
Speaker 2: and you will find in every instance that I have
Speaker 2: tried this out, they are If they think it does,
Speaker 2: then what they're doing is trying to become more successful.
Speaker 2: They don't stop the acquisitions, don't stop, the bloverage, buyouts,
Speaker 2: won't stop. They're looking for new companies. Won't stop. They're
Speaker 2: trying for yet, because once you're a partner in that
Speaker 2: law firm, what happens. First of all, you still have
Speaker 2: to go up the list. It's endless. And then let's
Speaker 2: say you're number one, but there are ten bigger law firms.
Speaker 2: You've never been successful and successful, my god, look at
Speaker 2: the people who are getting nominated to the Supreme Court
Speaker 2: and you're just a partner in a law firm. Look
Speaker 2: at the ones who are on television and you never
Speaker 2: got on TV maybe once when they needed to know
Speaker 2: something about the litigation in your area. It's endless. It's endless, endless, endless.
Speaker 2: You write books, it's not a bestseller. What's so great?
Speaker 2: Don't you see? I realized this? Thank God, Thank God.
Speaker 2: I realized this at a young age. I got published
Speaker 2: very young, and boy, the thought of being published by
Speaker 2: Simon and Schuster.
Speaker 3: It was exciting for a day. Third day what became
Speaker 3: all was important.
Speaker 2: Then I started realizing it's quicksand success is clicksand because
Speaker 2: once it was published by Simon and Schuster. The next
Speaker 2: thing was, how come they're not advertising our book. It's dying.
Speaker 2: It's dying at Simon and Schuster. We haven't seen it
Speaker 2: was just true to this day the book was published.
Speaker 2: First book was published fifteen years ago. Simon and Schusters
Speaker 2: never taken out of single ad. Okay, so I could
Speaker 2: spend my that I never took out an ad. Forget it.
Speaker 2: It's unbelievable. We're finished, and then it's endless. Then you
Speaker 2: get we get an advance on the next book, Simon
Speaker 2: and Schuster in advance. But then we find out another
Speaker 2: guy got so much more in advance it made us
Speaker 2: look like nothing's he's in the meantime thinking he's a
Speaker 2: nothing because he heard what Mitchener got for in advance, and
Speaker 2: Mitchner gets in advance just by saying, let me look
Speaker 2: at the globe, uh Caribbean ten million dollars Caribbean sould
Speaker 2: to Mitchner. That's all he has to do. The rest
Speaker 2: of us we have to pour over. I submit a book,
Speaker 2: I'm lucky if it gets ten thousand dollars after I
Speaker 2: submit the book. Finally, on the third book, they only
Speaker 2: needed a long outline, which took me half the time
Speaker 2: it would take to write a book to write that
Speaker 2: for shrinken outline, I should have written the book in
Speaker 2: that time. But don't you see it's endless. It's endless.
Speaker 2: I seem to somebody to be very successful. I could
Speaker 2: show you twenty areas where there were people twenty times
Speaker 2: more successful than I. It's endless, endless. When a man realizes,
Speaker 2: and I'm just addressing if there are women who were
Speaker 2: caught on this, it's obviously just as true. But it's
Speaker 2: a man asking. It's usually a man's problem, and it's
Speaker 2: usually a woman's problem. Married to such a man, I
Speaker 2: say to you, it's Quicksand because you can become partner
Speaker 2: in the firm, you can become CEO and what so
Speaker 2: on that day you'll be happy when you're CEO. Then
Speaker 2: you'll spend lunches with your wife. Right? Is that? By
Speaker 2: at least, by the way, if that were true, at
Speaker 2: least if you even made that that thou honey, as
Speaker 2: soon as I am a partner daily lunch, okay, at
Speaker 2: least she knows he becomes a partner. It ends now
Speaker 2: if you believe that. However, he too should have his
Speaker 2: blood checked and this and a lie detective, because he's
Speaker 2: lying through his feet even though he thinks he's sincere.
Speaker 2: That is the beauty of Hillel's doc doctrine. Hillel, who
Speaker 2: was asked to summarize everything that he may on Eli meele.
Speaker 2: If I am not for me, who will be for me?
Speaker 2: He loves me money? But if I am only for me,
Speaker 2: then what am I? And then the third part seems
Speaker 2: to be a nonsequitur. And if not now being loach
Speaker 2: shave tai, If not now, then when why does that
Speaker 2: have to do with? If I am not for me,
Speaker 2: who will be? And if I am only for me,
Speaker 2: then what am I? That's the whole point. If not now,
Speaker 2: when if you know it' stop having lunches with your
Speaker 2: wife now or breakfast or dinners, or if you don't
Speaker 2: start taking your kids out and having time with it,
Speaker 2: why are you going to do it when they're thirty,
Speaker 2: and they don't want to look at your face. Now,
Speaker 2: that is why that rabbi's comment had an impact. And
Speaker 2: by the way, these words are addressed as much to
Speaker 2: me as to any of you. These are tough things
Speaker 2: to assimilate, but they're critical critical. On the other hand,
Speaker 2: women remember one thing. It's very important. You don't want
Speaker 2: a man who isn't ambitious. Most women don't want a
Speaker 2: man who does not want to be successful in his
Speaker 2: career because he's not radiating what is a very attractive
Speaker 2: thing to a woman. A nest fielder, a protector strength,
Speaker 2: even wants her name. Who's the famous woman television anchor
Speaker 2: television Barbara Walters? Barbara Walters is about as successful as
Speaker 2: you can get in her field, right, but she wanted
Speaker 2: someone richer than her. It is classic. It was classic.
Speaker 2: They're I got four men in America who fit that bill.
Speaker 2: She married one of them. She wouldn't give me the
Speaker 2: time of day. Barbara, very very important that women want
Speaker 2: that in men, and women remember that too. That's part
Speaker 2: of what makes your husband lovable is that he is
Speaker 2: a go get or he is a hustler. You wouldn't
Speaker 2: want a guy's honey, I love to rump in bed
Speaker 2: every day with you. The hell with the office. Let's
Speaker 2: just hug sounds good for a day. Okay, that's important
Speaker 2: for women to remember that too, Chris. This is a
Speaker 2: trait that makes men men it wanting to wanting to
Speaker 2: go out in the outer world and conquer.
Speaker 3: So that's a classic tensions attention that a woman has.
Speaker 2: Either visa VI herself or visa her husband as well,
Speaker 2: knowing how much in each direction. That's why I say
Speaker 2: life is filled with these tensions. So a very long
Speaker 2: answer to a very good and short question, take one
Speaker 2: more before I go on, Yes, with the goal in
Speaker 2: mind of raising a child to be an adult, because
Speaker 2: we spoke about that. Remember, you're not raising just a
Speaker 2: ten year old. You are raising a thirty year old.
Speaker 2: And as I think I put it to you, remember
Speaker 2: we are far more adults than children in our lives,
Speaker 2: and it is very important. Well, it's a good question.
Speaker 2: What are the specific things. I'd have to work that
Speaker 2: out and come back with an answer to you, because
Speaker 2: I don't want to answer off the top of my
Speaker 2: head only only to give you some quick reflections. Because
Speaker 2: I'm going to write that down okay, well, for one thing.
Speaker 2: There are two areas that come to mind immediately. One
Speaker 2: is emotional stability, giving a child what the child needs emotionally.
Speaker 2: But which is I think obvious. I'm not saying parents
Speaker 2: do it well, but at least it's obvious, that's well known.
Speaker 2: I think the less lot, the less obvious parts are
Speaker 2: for some tougher and that is teaching, raising the child
Speaker 2: to become an independent human being, to become self reliant.
Speaker 2: It's very interesting in the Talmud. I just don't remember
Speaker 2: all the things it says. If a father is obligated
Speaker 2: to teach a child the following, and one of them
Speaker 2: is to swim. I mean, it's really it's funny. You know,
Speaker 2: it's got Talmud. You know, it's got all the you know,
Speaker 2: it's got all the religious things, and then to swim.
Speaker 2: Maybe that's part of Jews thinking, because they'll always have
Speaker 2: to flee up a grum. Unfortunately, I was so thought
Speaker 2: that that might be an underlying element. But in any event,
Speaker 2: it is the more you could teach a child to
Speaker 2: be self reliant. Don't spoil a child, because then there'll
Speaker 2: be a spoiled adult. That's a very important area. Have
Speaker 2: a child do things as as a child that ring
Speaker 2: self esteem. You know, we all speak about inculcating self
Speaker 2: esteem in children, but you're telling your child you're wonderful,
Speaker 2: You're wonderful, You're wonderful. As important as that is, doesn't
Speaker 2: do as much as the child thinking I'm wonderful for
Speaker 2: doing things that are wonderful. It's a very important, very
Speaker 2: important part here. Self esteem comes from peers, self esteem
Speaker 2: comes from self self esteem comes from parents.
Speaker 3: Self esteem comes from society.
Speaker 2: So I would develop whatever trait you know how the
Speaker 2: best answer is is really the most honest answer to you.
Speaker 2: Whatever you think is important in an adult, try to
Speaker 2: start developing in your child. That's the good part of
Speaker 2: being an adult. If you look into yourself. Why is
Speaker 2: it about me or another adult that I know that
Speaker 2: I think is important to have as an adult. Am
Speaker 2: I working in any way to inculcate those things in
Speaker 2: my child? That is why I mean for me personally,
Speaker 2: we all have our Maybe idiosyncracies is a good word,
Speaker 2: bad word, I don't know, but for me I know
Speaker 2: that it's it's I think it's very important for people
Speaker 2: not to complain a lot, and it's just it's I
Speaker 2: like inculcating in children gratitude rather than kvetching, Gee, why
Speaker 2: don't I have this dress? Why don't I have this thing?
Speaker 2: Why don't I have this Nintendo? I mean, you know,
Speaker 2: my son tells me my son has six Nintendo games?
Speaker 2: Six for gods? Is that a joke? Including the mutant
Speaker 2: Ninja Turtles? Okay, I just want you to know that.
Speaker 2: Do you know, Uh, he came home. I think he
Speaker 2: has a friend and is this right? Who has forty?
Speaker 2: My son feels deprived. He has six Nintendos and he
Speaker 2: feels deprived because Yitzkock or whatever his name is, has
Speaker 2: forty forty. The guys he has a lending library. For
Speaker 2: God's sake, he could really he could make money, gets
Speaker 2: hug on just renting out Nintendo games. I don't want
Speaker 2: my son to complain about that. If you walk around life,
Speaker 2: it's an early age that I want him to know
Speaker 2: what an adult can do, because we don't do that
Speaker 2: with Nintendo's. We do it with cars, We do it
Speaker 2: with husbands. We do it with wives. Look at this wife,
Speaker 2: Look at that husband. Look at those kids. Look at
Speaker 2: the house, look at their vacations, look at their bank book.
Speaker 2: He does it with Nintendo's that's all. It's the only difference.
Speaker 2: It's good to start. You got six, be happy with six.
Speaker 2: That's the key. That's one of the so I really
Speaker 2: I don't even think I have to come back with
Speaker 2: an answer except to say to you what you value
Speaker 2: an adult, inculcate early in children, lovingly, and so on.
Speaker 2: But still, that is why it's worth knowing. What are
Speaker 2: the traits that make for a happy adult. That's why
Speaker 2: this stuff is important. That's why I believe, both when
Speaker 2: I teach Judaism and when I teach these courses, that
Speaker 2: it's more important to talk to adults. Very frequently when
Speaker 2: I go around the country lecturing, people say, oh, if
Speaker 2: you only could have talked to the kids. Well, let
Speaker 2: me tell you something. Last week I gave a talk
Speaker 2: in one of one of the southern states to at
Speaker 2: a university. I talked to college kids. The next night
Speaker 2: I talked to adults. The second lecture was more valuable.
Speaker 2: You can change an adult in a lecture. You can't
Speaker 2: change a kid in a lecture. Adults are deeper, more mature,
Speaker 2: more rational. An adult here's a convincing idea, and they say, yeah,
Speaker 2: that's what I should do not kids, generally speaking, an
Speaker 2: exceptional kid, Mike, I know this. It took a month
Speaker 2: to touch a kid daily immersion in Judaism, a month
Speaker 2: when I was director of the Brandeispardin Institute and we
Speaker 2: had college sessions. On the other hand, I get letters
Speaker 2: all the time from people who read one article you
Speaker 2: know what, great arguments for keeping kosher I'm going to start.
Speaker 2: It would never happen in one lecture to a college kid. Okay,
Speaker 2: that is why it's important to talk to adults. Adults
Speaker 2: know what's important. They start inculcating that in the in
Speaker 2: the kids as early as possible. Ladies and gentlemen. Last
Speaker 2: week there were in the last two weeks, there have
Speaker 2: been two themes that I have been working on. One
Speaker 2: is enjoy Life. The other is which we began near
Speaker 2: the end of death. I'm going to go back to
Speaker 2: depth and in depth develop depth. The first I want
Speaker 2: to give you two very quick recommendations on the enjoy
Speaker 2: under the enjoy life heading that we have been talking about.
Speaker 2: Actually it's really they're very much related and maybe not
Speaker 2: even two separates things. I actually owe this to my
Speaker 2: mother in law, who I promised to cite in the book.
Speaker 2: It's a small point, but a very but one that
Speaker 2: without having read it in a letter that she wrote
Speaker 2: to my wife and me, I would not have been
Speaker 2: as aware of. It is critical in life to have
Speaker 2: something to look forward to. Have it is the only
Speaker 2: only is too strong, but nearly only, almost insoluble. Depression
Speaker 2: could come in life when there was nothing to look
Speaker 2: forward to, when there is no possible light at the
Speaker 2: end of the tunnel, except obviously you're on your deathbed.
Speaker 2: But people make peace with dying. Most people do, most
Speaker 2: healthy people do. And there you try to look back
Speaker 2: towards a life of having done things. And I'm going
Speaker 2: to talk about the deathbed as a source of happiness
Speaker 2: in life. Oddly enough, I don't mean it makes you happy,
Speaker 2: but thinking of in those terms having a good effect
Speaker 2: on you. But having something to look forward to is
Speaker 2: very important. We can somehow deal with just about anything
Speaker 2: if we know that there is something to look forward to.
Speaker 2: I think that that is important that you have that
Speaker 2: in life. For example, of vacation, it is really possible
Speaker 2: to endure a lot of months of work if you know, well,
Speaker 2: in July or in January, whatever, it'll be you're going
Speaker 2: to go on a vacation. That's why vacations are very important.
Speaker 2: People perceive that, But the funny part is half of
Speaker 2: its importance is the anticipation, and true about a lot
Speaker 2: of the fun things of life. Half of the joy
Speaker 2: is truly the anticipation. You tell your kids you're going
Speaker 2: to take them to magic Mountain, and they are looking
Speaker 2: forward to magic Mountain, and the looking forward to it
Speaker 2: is just as good, sometimes better than actually being there.
Speaker 2: So it is something to keep in mind for yourself.
Speaker 2: To have for yourself, what do you really enjoy to
Speaker 2: do and look forward to and try to incorporate that
Speaker 2: into your life. In that regard, related, I also believe
Speaker 2: in another little thing to get through life's tribulations, and
Speaker 2: that is little rewards. They don't have to be big,
Speaker 2: but it is good to have rewards, unless you're an ascetic,
Speaker 2: in which case your reward is your deprivation. But I'm
Speaker 2: speaking to primarily a Jewish crowd, and a Jewish asthetic
Speaker 2: is an oxymoron. So in this regard, I would say
Speaker 2: to you that having little rewards for yourself, and it's
Speaker 2: important that they be little, because if you make them huge,
Speaker 2: it can become addictive. But for example, you know it.
Speaker 2: Most people like to buy themselves something, and a lot
Speaker 2: of people like to buy themselves a lot of things.
Speaker 3: Some people can stop buying themselves things.
Speaker 2: But I would recommend to you to have to try
Speaker 2: to have that ability as a reward to yourself after something.
Speaker 3: Painful that you have to do is done.
Speaker 2: For example, I get myself and for everyone that it
Speaker 2: will be it'll seem trivial. But life is composed of
Speaker 2: these of these little details. It is a pain to
Speaker 2: put out an issue of my newsletter, and every way possible.
Speaker 2: The writing is painful, the editing is doubly painful. The
Speaker 2: type setting is painful, the mailing is painful. It's all painful.
Speaker 2: But there are two rewards after it. One is the issue.
Speaker 2: But that's not enough. I am not that wonderful. I
Speaker 2: get myself something at the end. I'll either get a
Speaker 2: couple of compact discs or I'll get myself a pipe.
Speaker 2: I know this is a scandal to some of you.
Speaker 2: I understand it's only for a collection. God forbid. I
Speaker 2: would never think of smoking it. I just like to
Speaker 2: look at them. I already lost listeners on my radio
Speaker 2: show for admitting I'm a pipe smoker, So why should
Speaker 2: I alienate you too? The only state on earth where
Speaker 2: you alienate people by saying smoke a pipe. Be that
Speaker 2: as it may. I get myself something. I think that
Speaker 2: women after, if who work, should do the same thing.
Speaker 2: But let's say a woman is at home. There is
Speaker 2: nothing more relentless than housework. Nothing, There's nothing men do
Speaker 2: that compares in its none satisfaction. I am convinced even
Speaker 2: if he puts pencil erasers on pencil in a factory,
Speaker 2: that compares to running a house because to the moment
Speaker 2: you have done the dishes, they are then re dirtied.
Speaker 2: He doesn't have that. When I have an issue out,
Speaker 2: it's out. It's not nobody. They don't put it in
Speaker 2: a shredder and I have to write it again. But
Speaker 2: women have that. Or your kid, you finally the kid
Speaker 2: is puked and the kid is diarrhea, and you were
Speaker 2: finally cleaned it. Then puke's again. That's it. And who
Speaker 2: appreciates it? Does your husband come and said, oh my God,
Speaker 2: he puke Christ Like, I don't know what to say
Speaker 2: to you God. And even if he does, it doesn't
Speaker 2: quite in your mind. In our rival what he just
Speaker 2: did at the store, at the law firm, or in
Speaker 2: his business. Women in particular, believe it or not, because
Speaker 2: men's work is it often has built in rewards, as
Speaker 2: my issue would have as winning a case as selling
Speaker 2: more widgets, work by death, as a farmer has a
Speaker 2: pharmacy is the wheat. But women don't have that. They
Speaker 2: have it when the kid is twenty, after all of
Speaker 2: the puking and all the screaming and all the yelling
Speaker 2: and everything, then they look and they see it twenty
Speaker 2: and just as they can enjoy it, they leave. Men
Speaker 2: don't have that. They enjoy their way. It's still there.
Speaker 2: The widgets are sold, you get something, all this work
Speaker 2: on the kids, and then they leave and rarely thank you,
Speaker 2: and then don't call. So it is no I beg
Speaker 2: men here to understand what women who do run a
Speaker 2: home have to deal with that. You know, when I
Speaker 2: hear men and I admit that these are all things
Speaker 2: I had to learn. These are not wisdoms that came
Speaker 2: to me naturally as a young man, believe me. But
Speaker 2: when I hear men today romanticize raising children, romanticize being
Speaker 2: a homemaker, I want to punch them. I have one
Speaker 2: question to ask him, did you ever do it for
Speaker 2: a week. If you did it for a week and
Speaker 2: still feel that way, at least you have some credibility.
Speaker 2: But if you haven't done it for more than a day.
Speaker 2: When your wife got the grip one day and couldn't
Speaker 2: do it, and you went bananas or ordered in all
Speaker 2: the food and used paper dishes, paper cups, paper underwear,
Speaker 2: paper clothing in a paper house, that's very different. That's
Speaker 2: not what she does. Men have to appreciate this fact.
Speaker 2: It is a relentless task without immediate rewards. The rewards
Speaker 2: are so far down the line and then very ephemeral, because,
Speaker 2: as I say, the best reward a mother could have
Speaker 2: as a child who becomes independent of her. That's the joke.
Speaker 2: I mean, you know, so why do you say then? Look?
Speaker 2: I mean, look, there is some satisfaction, but your satisfaction
Speaker 2: is not the same as other ones that are more
Speaker 2: immediate and permanent within your geographical surroundings. So I believe
Speaker 2: that it is important to reward ourselves. What you want
Speaker 2: to try to do is to do it after a
Speaker 2: painful task that you had to do. So why if
Speaker 2: you're dieting? I know, good diets tell you you have
Speaker 2: to do every so often cheat or you will go mad.
Speaker 2: You will absolutely go mad. And that is why, By
Speaker 2: the way, I don't want to make a big deal
Speaker 2: about this, but that is why I am a believer
Speaker 2: in having certain joys in life, even if there is
Speaker 2: if they are not absolutely safe. Is there some possibility
Speaker 2: I will get lip cancer? Yes, there is. I don't
Speaker 2: know anybody who ever did. Millions of people of smoke pipes.
Speaker 2: I don't know anybody who did. I'm sure it's a possibility.
Speaker 2: It's a possibility I will die in a car crash,
Speaker 2: is fact. That's a greater possibility than lip cancer. I
Speaker 2: am willing to take the risk for the pleasure of
Speaker 2: my pipe. I'm not willing to take a risk with
Speaker 2: cigarette smoking where the risk is simply high. I don't
Speaker 2: live to be healthy. I really do live partially to
Speaker 2: enjoy life. I want to you understand very it's a
Speaker 2: philosophic thing that you have to you have to do
Speaker 2: if you can get away with smoking two cigarettes a day,
Speaker 2: smoke two cigarettes a day. Most people can't. Most people.
Speaker 2: It just builds and it builds and it builds. If
Speaker 2: you love something and it isn't the healthiest, and there
Speaker 2: is nothing lovable that is healthy. I mean, do you understand,
Speaker 2: I mean, how many people I'll reward myself today? I'll
Speaker 2: have a carrot? Right? I mean, it doesn't happen after
Speaker 2: a hard day sealery. It doesn't work. It doesn't work.
Speaker 2: You know what particularly is for you? Is it another
Speaker 2: pair of shoes? I'm dead serious, Try, however, not to
Speaker 2: have it that you only enjoy two hundred dollars shoes. No, no, no,
Speaker 2: that's where none of that's very important. That's the key.
Speaker 2: And believe me, the irony is if shopping is a
Speaker 2: real pleasure for you.
Speaker 3: And you can't curb it entirely and shouldn't buy the way, what.
Speaker 2: You should at least do is get satisfaction from the
Speaker 2: cheaper stuff. Most shopping satisfaction is from the shopping, not
Speaker 2: the amount. Remember that a cheap pair of shoes is
Speaker 2: as fun to buy as an expensive pair of shoes
Speaker 2: for most people. If unless unless you know Emmelde Maco's
Speaker 2: aside for a minute, no no, no, what is a
Speaker 2: very important thing to know that. I mean, if you
Speaker 2: only buy a few pair a year, and for them,
Speaker 2: it's not the shopping. It's the utilitary value. You want
Speaker 2: a good pair of shoes, fine, that's different. But if
Speaker 2: it's just the act of shopping, please know that that
Speaker 2: is the pleasure. And I relate to that. I've always
Speaker 2: said depression goes shopping. It helps I do. I relate
Speaker 2: to that. The trick is, though I don't go out
Speaker 2: and buy expensive stuff. At that point, it's fun, you know,
Speaker 2: just go out and keep your tastes in a certain arena.
Speaker 2: And I think that that is very helpful. Now we've
Speaker 2: spoken a lot about that. I want to get to
Speaker 2: develop the point about depth. I said to you last
Speaker 2: week you should seek depth more than you should seek happiness,
Speaker 2: and you will be a happier human being. The only way, however,
Speaker 2: for that to work, is for you to truly.
Speaker 3: Believe that depth is more important than happiness.
Speaker 2: Did I elaborate on this last week that you can't
Speaker 2: fool yourself. You can't say'll be deep because I really
Speaker 2: want to be happy? Good? Okay, So you know that
Speaker 2: I'm going to prove it to you. Did I give
Speaker 2: you the example of the retarded child? Now as an example.
Speaker 2: A philosopher wrote recently to make the point of depth
Speaker 2: is more important than happiness. I read it recently. Let
Speaker 2: us say you knew it a person, a child fifteen
Speaker 2: year old who is somewhat mentally retarded and quite happy,
Speaker 2: which by the way, is quite possible, and a drug
Speaker 2: was in fact invented to undo the retardation, enabling the
Speaker 2: child to lead a normal life and by definition be
Speaker 2: less happy. I suspect ninety nine percent of us would
Speaker 2: give the child a drug. That was a great example
Speaker 2: to my mind to prove that virtually every one of
Speaker 2: us us really does prefer depth to happiness. If you
Speaker 2: could be happy and less fully human, you would opt
Speaker 2: to be fully human and less happy. I don't remember
Speaker 2: the philosopher who said it, but he said, why does it?
Speaker 2: I rather be a dissatisfied Socrates than a satisfied pig.
Speaker 2: That's the point I would rather. That is why I
Speaker 2: began this whole course by saying, if you think of
Speaker 2: happiness entirely in terms of feelings, then you should envy animals.
Speaker 2: Your dog that I could say, for as a given,
Speaker 2: knowing this audience, to the extent that I know any
Speaker 2: socioeconomic group, your dog is almost constantly happy. Your dog
Speaker 2: veers between regular happy and ecstasy. Okay, ours ours does,
Speaker 2: except when you know hospa schellum heaven. For fen we
Speaker 2: put her in a kennel, but that is very rare,
Speaker 2: and we have very deep guilt, and we get unhappier
Speaker 2: than she, and then it's a whole vicious cycle, and
Speaker 2: then we're angry at her for making us guilty. And anyway, otherwise,
Speaker 2: your dog is very happy. Would you like to be
Speaker 2: a dog? Time is better to be a dog than
Speaker 2: it than it was to be a human in Auschwitz.
Speaker 2: But you're not an Auschwitz. You have normal human miseries,
Speaker 2: not abnormal human miseries. And on the human level, I
Speaker 2: give you the example of retardation versus normalcy, with lesser
Speaker 2: happiness attributed to normalcy. For my life, there's just no question.
Speaker 2: Depth is number one, number one, whatever it will bring
Speaker 2: in its wake many people, and in America in particular,
Speaker 2: well I take that back. Many people Americans have a
Speaker 2: specific way of doing this, but in my travels I've
Speaker 2: seen more primitive ways. I would say that a vast
Speaker 2: majority of people live life to get through it. And
Speaker 2: there's a simple proof. What do you do when you
Speaker 2: don't have to work? That is the litmus test to
Speaker 2: whether or not depth is important to you. What do
Speaker 2: you do when you don't have to work? In many
Speaker 2: parts of the world, people spend hours a day playing cards.
Speaker 2: In when I was on the island of Bali, I
Speaker 2: saw men spend good parts of their days at cockfights,
Speaker 2: betting at cock fights. In America's television, sports and television,
Speaker 2: it's very good indicator. What do you do when you
Speaker 2: don't have to work? Tells you how important growing And
Speaker 2: that was the term we used last week growing is
Speaker 2: to you.
Speaker 3: For most Americans it is not important.
Speaker 2: That is why it is. I mean, just to give
Speaker 2: very immediate example, the number of excellent courses at this
Speaker 2: university for adults is absolutely It's like a candy store
Speaker 2: for the brain.
Speaker 3: The average course has fifteen students.
Speaker 2: The vast majority of people of the same backgrounds are
Speaker 2: at home and a what are they doing at home?
Speaker 2: Watching television? Watching television is the single most non growth
Speaker 2: activity a human can engage in. I have said on radio,
Speaker 2: and I believe it. You would get deeper watching a
Speaker 2: lima bean plant than watching television, because at least as
Speaker 2: you looked at the plant, you would think it is
Speaker 2: spoon fed. You know what it is. It is Nintendo
Speaker 2: for adults television, just as I try to wean my
Speaker 2: son away with seven from Nintendo and have limits on
Speaker 2: how much he could sit and have people, you know,
Speaker 2: gobble each other up and warp onto a third level.
Speaker 2: But why is that any different from ninety nine percent
Speaker 2: of the television that we have, And ladies and gentlemen
Speaker 2: I include in particular the news. Do not fool yourself
Speaker 2: into thinking, well, I don't watch TV, I only watch
Speaker 2: the news. You are as much nintendoized as anybody who
Speaker 2: watches the Wheel of Fortune. The only difference is they
Speaker 2: don't claim that they're growing you do. They are more
Speaker 2: honest the watchers of Wheel of Fortune. They know it's
Speaker 2: strictly for the entertainment, and I will prove to you
Speaker 2: it is strictly entertainment. If you videoed tonight's news, you
Speaker 2: wouldn't give a damn to watch it tomorrow, but you
Speaker 2: would read tomorrow today's newspaper tomorrow. Indeed, with a good newspaper,
Speaker 2: you would read it next week. Indeed, with the New
Speaker 2: York Times, America's best newspaper by far, you would read
Speaker 2: it a month later. It's challenges, it has depth, and
Speaker 2: I don't agree with its political positions. So you understand
Speaker 2: I'm hardly here to advocate a newspaper. That's why I
Speaker 2: am passionate on the issue of television. It is cockfighting,
Speaker 2: it is cards playing. It is the modern form of
Speaker 2: that dreadful phrase killing time. Killing time means I don't
Speaker 2: I am waiting to drop dead work to make a living.
Speaker 2: And when I don't have to work, I kill time.
Speaker 2: I will sit back to be entertained. It's a tough
Speaker 2: litmus test for people. What do you do when you
Speaker 2: don't have to do your work? But that's the best
Speaker 2: way I can phrase to you how important it is
Speaker 2: to get deeper. By the way, let me give you
Speaker 2: a phrase here from telling you to tractate ethics of
Speaker 2: the fathers, that is very helpful, call kaloka. All beginnings
Speaker 2: are difficult. It is very hard to start on a
Speaker 2: lifetime program of getting deeper. All beginnings are difficult. It
Speaker 2: gets much easier as you go on, much easier, my friends,
Speaker 2: if you embark on what I now ask you, I
Speaker 2: promise you in ninety percent of the I know what
Speaker 2: will happen. I ask you to cut in half or
Speaker 2: simply drop television watching for a month. If you feel
Speaker 2: you'll miss something important, there's a great device. It's called
Speaker 2: the video cassette recorder. I don't mean that at all flippantly.
Speaker 2: If there's something you're dying to see, record it sixty
Speaker 2: minutes will be just as relevant or irrelevant a month
Speaker 2: from now. It's not timely. It's irrelevant as you know.
Speaker 2: They made it three months ago. Anyway, they're only airing
Speaker 2: it next Sunday night. Whatever it might be. By the way,
Speaker 2: I don't mind it all. If you have a favorite
Speaker 2: stupid show. In fact, that to me is just as
Speaker 2: valid by far. You have a sitcom you like, you
Speaker 2: know it's a name. What's wrong? Nothing wrong with having pleasure?
Speaker 2: Absolutely video that too. Do you know that you could
Speaker 2: send your video to come on the same time each
Speaker 2: week for four weeks, maybe two weeks in your case,
Speaker 2: or if you're really in the underclass, six days. I'm
Speaker 2: telling you give it a try, and here's what to
Speaker 2: do instead. Read Read even if they are even if
Speaker 2: you're only in the beginning reading pop novels. There is
Speaker 2: infinitely more brain usage in reading an Erica Jong novel
Speaker 2: than there is in watching the news and I'm trying
Speaker 2: to take the extremes.
Speaker 3: Start a course in something, pick up a language.
Speaker 2: I bet every one of you has been outside of
Speaker 2: the United States, and if you've been to a foreign
Speaker 2: speaking country, didn't you have? Can you imagine what would
Speaker 2: be like if I could speak the language triath trith.
Speaker 2: Some of you are gifted linguistically, others or not, but
Speaker 2: every one of you can make headway. The Romance languages
Speaker 2: are easier than the German, the Dramatic, or easier than
Speaker 2: the Slavic. The Slavic are easier than the Oriental. And
Speaker 2: it goes like that. Try something. Imagine any of you
Speaker 2: who are religiously incline, if you're a Jew, to actually
Speaker 2: see the things in Hebrew, what a lift it would
Speaker 2: give you, Or if you're a Christian to see the
Speaker 2: New Testament in Greek. Do you know there are only
Speaker 2: twenty two letters in Hebrew? Just twenty two letters? Do
Speaker 2: you know? When I studied Russian as an undergraduate in college,
Speaker 2: we came in on a Monday. We were told that
Speaker 2: on Wednesday we would have a quiz on the entire
Speaker 2: Russian alphabet, which is thirty two letters. There were a
Speaker 2: big deal. Now it's actually easier than Hebrew because they
Speaker 2: were all different, whereas half of the Russian alphabet is
Speaker 2: the same, though unfortunately a lot of those that are
Speaker 2: the same are different.
Speaker 3: And H is and N if he is in r
Speaker 3: they go a little crazy, but.
Speaker 2: A big deal. Chinese doesn't work that way, Arabic doesn't
Speaker 2: work that way. But there is so much And I
Speaker 2: told you this last week. Find something, just do it
Speaker 2: instead of television. You have so much time, look at
Speaker 2: taking this course, but there were so many other things
Speaker 2: like this available. You Look where you are, My god,
Speaker 2: I'm not speaking to people in the middle of a
Speaker 2: tiny rural place where the only event in the city
Speaker 2: may be bingo and you have to travel miles to
Speaker 2: hear a string quartet. Take up something, that is if
Speaker 2: you want to be deeper. But remember I challenged you
Speaker 2: with this comment. If you find people boring, and I
Speaker 2: especially say this to singles who date, remember they may
Speaker 2: be saying the same thing about you after the date.
Speaker 2: Very important. What makes people interesting is depth. This would
Speaker 2: become very meaningful to you. It is one of the
Speaker 2: reasons that this society so does not value old age.
Speaker 3: And so regards getting older as getting unhappier.
Speaker 2: For those to those who value depth and see that
Speaker 2: as the greatest source of pleasure in many ways in
Speaker 2: life getting older without romanticizing getting older with the physical
Speaker 2: ailments that may accompany it. But in many instances, and
Speaker 2: increasingly in America, that is not the case until very
Speaker 2: very old age, which is advancing that whatever very very
Speaker 2: old is becomes a decade more every twenty years or
Speaker 2: so now, but in America, not valuing it. There is
Speaker 2: nothing good about getting older. Everything we value is fun oriented.
Speaker 2: Everyone wants to be happy. It's a very simple equation.
Speaker 2: Happiness for most in our society equals fund more. Fun
Speaker 2: is associated with being young. By the way, if they
Speaker 2: ever show happy older people, they're having fun, right, Oh good,
Speaker 2: all the golf they can play, like, isn't that terrific?
Speaker 2: Oh my god? That is what is worth getting older for.
Speaker 2: I could play golf every day, not just on weekends.
Speaker 2: For this I live. But this is the truth. You
Speaker 2: graduate from television to golf, that is what That is
Speaker 2: the American dream. If you value depth, getting older has
Speaker 2: an incredibly good thing. You've had more time to do,
Speaker 2: and then you really do get deeper. Once you start,
Speaker 2: you keep digging and you get deeper. It's one of
Speaker 2: the best parts. When I think of getting older, I
Speaker 2: think that I'll have more clarity. That gives me a
Speaker 2: very great calm about getting older. The interest that I've
Speaker 2: always had, I've never been, in any event, wonderful to
Speaker 2: have when you're young. I've been very lucky in this
Speaker 2: regard since I have always been. I've always gravitated towards
Speaker 2: towards death. I don't know why. It's probably half luck
Speaker 2: and half parents and half tradition and half god knows what, well,
Speaker 2: whatever it might be, that was three halves I recognize,
Speaker 2: but I was all the things that motivated me, which
Speaker 2: set me apart very much from my own generation. I
Speaker 2: remember the looks I got from friends at college when
Speaker 2: they would.
Speaker 3: Go Puerto Rico during winter break.
Speaker 2: And I go to Bulgaria, which is exactly why what happened.
Speaker 2: They lie in the sun and I would be living
Speaker 2: with a family, which is exactly what I did in Sophia, Bulgaria,
Speaker 2: or in Lublin, Poland, or in Budapest, Hungary.
Speaker 3: And believe me, theirs was more pleasurable.
Speaker 2: It wasn't all fun traveling to the sixty five countries.
Speaker 2: I went most of them alone. But wow, what I
Speaker 2: have from it. Of course, I'm happier for it, and
Speaker 2: what I mean, what it has given me in later life.
Speaker 2: It's just been more worthwhile than three PhDs. I was
Speaker 2: very lucky. This is something to cultivate in a child.
Speaker 2: A depth is more important than fun. There's something if
Speaker 2: you can value something as an adult, there is an
Speaker 2: example of something to try to impulcate in a child.
Speaker 2: That is By the way, I'm sorry that I will
Speaker 2: be coming to this topic more frequently in the last
Speaker 2: four sessions, but it is one of the reasons, quite
Speaker 2: aside from theological beliefs, that I am so pro religion.
Speaker 2: If I know nothing about a about two people, I
Speaker 2: only know one is religious and one is completely irreligious,
Speaker 2: I assume the religious one is deeper. I don't assume
Speaker 2: he's kinder necessarily. I don't assume he's more successful or
Speaker 2: anything else. But I do assume that because religion all
Speaker 2: things being equal.
Speaker 3: Of course, there are some superficial religious human beings.
Speaker 2: Of course, but all things being equal, religion asks deep questions,
Speaker 2: makes deep demands. Is a is a flirtation with the
Speaker 2: eternal that the rest of the secular stuff is not.
Speaker 2: And you know that because if you ever really want
Speaker 2: the deepest of deep answers, you start to think in
Speaker 2: religious terms, or speaking to someone if you know who
Speaker 2: is religious, or going to a rabbi, a priest, or
Speaker 2: a minister who may be much less intelligent than you
Speaker 2: in brain matter, but you know has been spending a
Speaker 2: life asking certain types of questions. I finally had to
Speaker 2: make peace with the fact that, by absolute, no design whatsoever,
Speaker 2: nearly every single friend of ours turns out to be religious, Mormon, Christian, Catholic,
Speaker 2: doesn't matter. I was invited to a Muslim's home in
Speaker 2: Los Angeles. We have so little in common in so
Speaker 2: many areas, and in some ways great tension.
Speaker 3: But the questions were similar, the concerns.
Speaker 2: The reactions to life. It asks deeper stuff. So I
Speaker 2: end this portion of the course with an affirmation of
Speaker 2: the pursuit of death.
Speaker 3: If you like pop music, give classical a chance.
Speaker 2: It's deeper. My attitude, I told you my attitude is
Speaker 2: I have always envied people who had a joy that
Speaker 2: I wasn't having. When I would see people shaking just
Speaker 2: loving the Beethoven quartets, I knew all I give it
Speaker 2: another chance, even though to this day I don't really
Speaker 2: like Beethoven's quartets. But I'm told my music lovers, Dennis,
Speaker 2: if you really plug at it, you don't know the
Speaker 2: richness of the late quartets. So I'm plugging, And let
Speaker 2: me tell you, Frank Sinatra songs are much more immediately
Speaker 2: satisfying pop music, movie themes are much more immediately appealing.
Speaker 2: One of the things about depth is that it's not immediate.
Speaker 2: By definition, It's not immediately appealing. It's worth making the effort.
Speaker 2: The news is immediately appealing, it's in living color, it's
Speaker 2: got action video, and it's superficial in the extreme, because
Speaker 2: they will still be reading the great novels one hundred
Speaker 2: years from now. But except for people who pursue trivia
Speaker 2: of the twentieth century, who's gonna watch Dan Rathern and
Speaker 2: think of the time you've spent with him or Peter
Speaker 2: Jennings or Tom Brokaw.
Speaker 3: That's the point. Seek the deeper stuff.
Speaker 2: It works.
Speaker 3: It works now.
Speaker 2: Onto a new subject. One of the uh if there
Speaker 2: will be anything unique in my book, I think this
Speaker 2: will be one of the things in all the books
Speaker 2: on happiness that I have seen. I have not seen
Speaker 2: are very strong. I haven't even seen a mild argument
Speaker 2: made for the following. Goodness is a quality that is
Speaker 2: instrumental to being happy. Overwhelmingly the argument for being good
Speaker 2: is made on moral grounds, but it becomes a tautology.
Speaker 3: You should be moral because it's moral, which I believe.
Speaker 2: Obviously, you should be good to people because I value goodness.
Speaker 2: But it's a course on happiness. It's a book on happiness,
Speaker 2: ladies and gentlemen. I make an audacious claim. All things
Speaker 2: being equal, that's important. I can't take into count every
Speaker 2: individual will consideration. Goodness brings much more happiness, much more
Speaker 2: than selfishness. There are a few reasons for this. One
Speaker 2: of them is so obvious that it probably would elude
Speaker 2: you if I asked you to write why you think
Speaker 2: it would be true? And that is this. Generally speaking,
Speaker 2: good people get treated more good. I will prove it
Speaker 2: to you. I have known men who are not terribly
Speaker 2: honest in their business dealings. In fact, where somewhat thugs,
Speaker 2: white color thugs, not not of you know, not of
Speaker 2: the variety. They weren't counterfeiting fitting twenty dollar bills, but
Speaker 2: they would cheat if they could get away with it.
Speaker 2: They cheated. I've known them, and one of the incredibly
Speaker 2: consistent traits they have had is that they were convinced
Speaker 2: that everybody is out to cheat them. The reward of
Speaker 2: being a cheat is that you think everybody treats you
Speaker 2: just like you treat them. Honest people do not walk
Speaker 2: around thinking, who's cheating me?
Speaker 3: He's don't forget me. He don't keep your hands in
Speaker 3: your pocket.
Speaker 2: It's not necessary and it's not naivete. It's not necessary
Speaker 2: to hold that, but it is. It is a remarkable thing.
Speaker 2: I am convinced that the bad do sleep worse at night,
Speaker 2: all things being equal, all things being equal, if you
Speaker 2: have insomnia for physiological reasons, I can't account for that.
Speaker 2: If you have terrible problems with your children and you're
Speaker 2: a good person, then you're not sleeping because of the
Speaker 2: problems with the children. That's all understood. It's why I
Speaker 2: say all things being equal. But it is very important
Speaker 2: to understand this idea. And I don't mean it in
Speaker 2: a calm sense. What you do comes back to you.
Speaker 2: It's too mystical for me. Even though I do believe that,
Speaker 2: I don't believe it mystically. I believe it. In reality,
Speaker 2: it generally happens. It's like telling a lie. Telling a
Speaker 2: lie has a horrible effect because you have to remember
Speaker 2: the law you told. I would love to pour into
Speaker 2: the brains of honest people and into the brains of liars.
Speaker 2: It would be like one is a polluted brain and
Speaker 2: the other one is pristine clear. You remember the law
Speaker 2: you told, then you have to remember how you told
Speaker 2: it in all the things about it, And then you
Speaker 2: have to lie again, probably because there was a detail
Speaker 2: there that you've forgotten. You have to lie on and
Speaker 2: so on and so on and so on so forth.
Speaker 2: It's true in business, it is true in any area
Speaker 2: of life. I am convinced that while at any given
Speaker 2: time the bad way may be more immediately rewarding you,
Speaker 2: after all your cheat on the test, you may get
Speaker 2: into a better place in the long run. I think
Speaker 2: the argument for goodness on happiness grounds prevails in the
Speaker 2: long run, though it does not work at any given moment.
Speaker 2: You know, parents call me up on the station, and
Speaker 2: I get this not infrequently. How you keep talking about goodness, Dennis?
Speaker 2: How can we tell our kids to be honest when
Speaker 2: it's a dog eat dog rat race out there? Well,
Speaker 2: I don't agree with that approach you teach your children.
Speaker 2: There are people out there who would try to skin
Speaker 2: you a that is true, but you are obligated to
Speaker 2: be better. And yes, in some cases it will be
Speaker 2: in that immediate moment to your disadvantage. That is true,
Speaker 2: but you will have benefit number two. Benefit Number one
Speaker 2: was you get treated in returned. Okay, and I think
Speaker 2: we can all vouch for that in our lives. By
Speaker 2: the way, some will say, well, I'm good and people
Speaker 2: are always stepping over me. Well, I always find that
Speaker 2: to be an interesting thing. The good people I know
Speaker 2: haven't been stepped on. If you're stepped on, that may
Speaker 2: be another problem. But it is not your goodness that
Speaker 2: is causing you to be stepped on. It might be
Speaker 2: your naivete about people. It might be foolish decisions that
Speaker 2: you have made. I mean, you could be a good person,
Speaker 2: but it doesn't mean that you still walk in certain
Speaker 2: neighborhoods at two am whistling the Ku Klux Klan theme. Okay,
Speaker 2: it is not a good idea, and so on. I mean,
Speaker 2: do not ask for trouble if it is or if
Speaker 2: trouble is what you will get, and so on. I
Speaker 2: don't you know. I don't suggest these things, so I
Speaker 2: don't accept this. I'm good and so I am stepped on.
Speaker 2: I don't believe that you may be good and stepped on.
Speaker 2: But they're not related. When you have to fight fight
Speaker 2: good people fight. Good doesn't mean meek. Good doesn't mean weak,
Speaker 2: and bad doesn't mean strong. It's another thing I tell
Speaker 2: parents to teach their kids. Bad is weak. It is
Speaker 2: takes no effort to be bad. It takes a lot
Speaker 2: of strength to be good. Any jackass can be bad,
Speaker 2: big deal. It's a thing in this society and in
Speaker 2: most societies that has to be understood. Now. The first
Speaker 2: reward was the way people treat you. The second reward
Speaker 2: is self image. People who were good like themselves. People
Speaker 2: who were not good don't like themselves. There's nothing to like. Now.
Speaker 2: It is possible for a thug to have a good
Speaker 2: self image in terms of I am the best thug around.
Speaker 2: I'm very serious. In other words, that that's an accomplishment.
Speaker 2: The guys who run these super cocaine things in Colombia
Speaker 2: may very well have good self images, and this is important.
Speaker 2: Some good people may not have such good self images,
Speaker 2: just in an interview with people who wrote the book
Speaker 2: on the Rescuers of Jews in the Holocaust, the most
Speaker 2: elaborate study ever made, and they found that there was
Speaker 2: no correlation between self image and likelihood to be a
Speaker 2: rescue which I felt very vindicated on because I have
Speaker 2: always thought that this was extraordinarily over blown, this California
Speaker 2: tendency to constantly speak of self image self image. I
Speaker 2: think self image is important for happiness. I don't think
Speaker 2: self image is important with regards to moral behavior. Okay,
Speaker 2: and the two were not always related, but I believe
Speaker 2: that in terms of liking yourself, the good like themselves more.
Speaker 2: You look in the mirror and you're proud I didn't
Speaker 2: give in. I didn't give in.
Speaker 3: I didn't cheat on that thing, even though I could have,
Speaker 3: and so on.
Speaker 2: You start to gradually build up self admiration. I have
Speaker 2: to give a personal example, even though I hate to,
Speaker 2: I really do hate to, but I have no choice
Speaker 2: in such a course. I started an anti cheating campaign
Speaker 2: in high school. I didn't I stopped cheating on tests
Speaker 2: very early in my freshman year. I had, like a
Speaker 2: lot of other kids in the eighth grade, and in
Speaker 2: the beginning of the ninth, and then I just stopped
Speaker 2: and I never returned to it, and it was very interesting.
Speaker 2: I recall it like it's yesterday. While I thought it
Speaker 2: was unethical, and still do and argue against more on
Speaker 2: moral grounds. I remember the single most important image that
Speaker 2: I had about cheating was a very strong destructiveness of
Speaker 2: my own self worth. I felt like I was groveling
Speaker 2: and my own sense of dignity was violated by cheating
Speaker 2: on a test, and so I actually felt better about
Speaker 2: myself getting lower grades than the kids who got higher
Speaker 2: grades and cheated a few points. I know that for
Speaker 2: a fact. I remember it. It is true. It has
Speaker 2: stayed with me as a very powerful example. And I
Speaker 2: hold that to be true about anyone who withstands the
Speaker 2: pressures of the market or whatever to be dishonest. That
Speaker 2: the sense of self worth is very is very much enhanced,
Speaker 2: a sense of I just don't give in, and when
Speaker 2: you look at yourself, you like yourself better. I think
Speaker 2: that these are important traits with regard to goodness. Third,
Speaker 2: the third reward of goodness is the act itself. Acts
Speaker 2: of loving kindness make you happier. It is one of
Speaker 2: my arguments this is totally tangential for God's existence, that
Speaker 2: God created a world wherein goodness is its own emotional reward.
Speaker 2: But it is, and you will know that. You will
Speaker 2: know that if you if you know, you know what.
Speaker 2: The difference between selfish fun and goodness is. Everything is inverted.
Speaker 2: We look tremendously forward to fun, have it, and don't
Speaker 2: feel any better about ourselves. We never look forward to
Speaker 2: acts of selflessness. Then do it and feel terrific. Who
Speaker 2: gets up in the morning and says, oh, on another
Speaker 2: day to go to the nursing home and visit the
Speaker 2: elderly or whatever it might be. Gee, God, what I
Speaker 2: love today to volunteer for a local charity. Of course not.
Speaker 2: You get up and you want a shop, or you
Speaker 2: get up and you want to go to a ballgame
Speaker 2: or watch TV, and so on. Everything militates against doing good,
Speaker 2: except that when you've done it you feel terrific. You
Speaker 2: also feel a drop self righteous because you look at
Speaker 2: all the people who didn't do it that day and say,
Speaker 2: look at the scum of the earth. They're all on
Speaker 2: a freeway with me. They should all clear a path
Speaker 2: for Saint Dennis as he drives down. Which is okay,
Speaker 2: it's Okay, you should feel that you've done that. Better
Speaker 2: you have, there's no reason not to. You can't wear
Speaker 2: it on your sleeves. But it is appropriate that this
Speaker 2: is not cultivated in our times. Is so sad to
Speaker 2: me that people don't know how doing good for others.
Speaker 2: You know the trouble. As I told you, the thing
Speaker 2: I most wanted to avoid in this class and in
Speaker 2: the book are cliches. But here comes one. Giving is
Speaker 2: better than receiving. I hate that. I feel like a
Speaker 2: jerk saying it, but the act of giving is a
Speaker 2: tremendously is a tremendous receiver for the giver. That is
Speaker 2: why talking again, I'm glad you asked me this because
Speaker 2: I have so many of these things. It is good
Speaker 2: to take kids to do acts of goodness, let them
Speaker 2: feel the good feeling that comes with it. Our daughter's
Speaker 2: school went to visit, well was it a nursing home.
Speaker 2: Went to a nursing home, and these kids who are
Speaker 2: absolutely normal thirteen year old you know, heavy metal lovers
Speaker 2: and rock music lovers and sports lovers and hormone lovers.
Speaker 2: If you had told them, isn't it great? Today? Your
Speaker 2: kids are going to go to a nursing home. You
Speaker 2: can only imagine their reaction. And our daughter, and I
Speaker 2: suspect many of the others, she was on a high
Speaker 2: when she returned. But it is literally not something that
Speaker 2: you can ever convince a person of you'll feel great
Speaker 2: if you do good. It sounds so like a bill
Speaker 2: of sale. You know, a billy goods that you're trying
Speaker 2: to sell. People don't know it. Therefore, to summarize, a
Speaker 2: good case could be made for goodness in terms of
Speaker 2: being a happier human being. People who devote their lives
Speaker 2: to this as opposed to given moments, have a deep,
Speaker 2: deep sense of inner peace, a deep sense of satisfaction.
Speaker 3: Can they have something.
Speaker 2: That I will talk about at length or not at length,
Speaker 2: but more lengthily later they stay, will be able to
Speaker 2: look forward to dying and saying that they made a
Speaker 2: difference that to me. And this is going to be
Speaker 2: next week starts part two of this eight weeks and
Speaker 2: it's going to be very heavy. I hope you will
Speaker 2: be able to attend because it is going to be
Speaker 2: about the pursuit of meaning, which is the great indispensable
Speaker 2: element to happiness. But the ability to be able to
Speaker 2: say that I know that if I died tomorrow, I
Speaker 2: know that I could say that I have done something.
Speaker 2: And in this regard my final words for today, and
Speaker 2: then I'll open up for questions if you have any.
Speaker 2: There's a terrible, terrible happen again on the phone on
Speaker 2: my radio show. There's a terrible tendency of a lot
Speaker 2: of people to think if they don't make a difference macro,
Speaker 2: and they only do an individual's life, it's not such
Speaker 2: a big deal, folks. The quicker you disabuse yourself of
Speaker 2: that thinking, the better you will be, and the better
Speaker 2: the world will be.
Speaker 3: Gorbachev is making a big difference Macro.
Speaker 2: The most of you don't have a chance to be
Speaker 2: the General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet
Speaker 2: Union during totalitarian times, Okay, it is just off limits.
Speaker 2: Literally literally. If the most wonderful American became president of
Speaker 2: the United States, even.
Speaker 3: He or she would not have much of an impact.
Speaker 2: Impacts are available overwhelmingly when there is major evil, a major,
Speaker 2: powerful figure is there in a leadership.
Speaker 3: And powerful position to confront it.
Speaker 2: Otherwise it is not possible. Churchill is great because of Nazism,
Speaker 2: Lincoln is great because of slavery, Martin Luther King is
Speaker 2: great because of discrimination. Greatness on the macro level occurs
Speaker 2: only when there is massive evil to conquer and you
Speaker 2: are in the position to do it. It is open
Speaker 2: to about two people a century. Some centuries had no openings,
Speaker 2: and I hope, incidentally, that the next century has no openings.
Speaker 2: I hope all major evils are done, and in that case,
Speaker 2: no one will become this momentous macro achiever. The rest
Speaker 2: of us will effect two ten, maybe twenty, maybe ten thousand.
Speaker 2: But the world has six billion. People are signied from
Speaker 2: doing good because they don't think that what they do
Speaker 2: will mount to a hill of beans. It is one
Speaker 2: of the big obstacles to many people's doing good.
Speaker 3: So I'll help one old lady in a nursing home.
Speaker 2: Big deal. It's the biggest deal in the world because
Speaker 2: to that lady, she is the most important thing on earth.
Speaker 2: You can't save Romania.
Speaker 3: You're not called upon to save Romania.
Speaker 2: By the way, this was taught to me too. Dear
Speaker 2: dear friend who's a Roman Catholic priest, I've been bugging
Speaker 2: him for years to try to be a cardinal. I've
Speaker 2: been I did we know each other about six years.
Speaker 2: For the first three years, I would aggravate him. I'd go,
Speaker 2: come on, you're so bright, you're so charismatic, you're so wonderful.
Speaker 2: Why the hell are you a parish priest or a
Speaker 2: high school principle. You should be out there, you should
Speaker 2: be an archbishop. And he would look at me and say,
Speaker 2: you know, I don't want to be an archbishop. I
Speaker 2: don't want to be a cardinal. They don't get to
Speaker 2: meet anybody. They get to sit behind huge desks in
Speaker 2: big chanceeries and sign big papers and make big speeches.
Speaker 2: I get to visit people in hospitals. He's right, That's
Speaker 2: what people have to learn. That is this idea of
Speaker 2: if I'm not moving mountains to hell with hills is
Speaker 2: a horrible, horrible notion. Mountains are movable under rare, the
Speaker 2: rarest of circumstances, and they just have to fall into
Speaker 2: your lap. And there have been no knocks. You wouldn't
Speaker 2: have ever heard of Winston Churchill. Therefore, forget this notion.
Speaker 2: You are not going to cure homelessness poverty aids tomorrow.
Speaker 2: But if you visit somebody regularly, you are doing an
Speaker 2: immense amount. And needless to say, if everybody did it,
Speaker 2: the world would be idyllic, the world would be paradise.
Speaker 2: Most people, you know, people raise issues about God and suffering.
Speaker 2: Yet I have done this repeatedly over a decade. I've
Speaker 2: asked audiences, raise your hand. I'm not doing it again.
Speaker 2: I'm just telling you their story. Raise your hand. I
Speaker 2: have said, if the vast majority of your pay there
Speaker 2: are two types of pain that we can suffer, man
Speaker 2: made and natural, right, there's no third type. Raise your hand.
Speaker 2: If the vast majority of the pain in your life
Speaker 2: has been induced by people, and overwhelmingly most people, raise
Speaker 2: their hands. Not by God, not by cancer, not by earthquakes,
Speaker 2: by people, and the good in your life, Excuse me,
Speaker 2: it's not from pipe smoking, its allergies.
Speaker 3: The good in your life has come from people too.
Speaker 2: We can make life for others a joy or a
Speaker 2: horror that is in human hands. So goodness done, even
Speaker 2: on the most micro level, is so immense in its
Speaker 2: ramifications for others' happiness and for yourselves that it cannot
Speaker 2: be understated, cannot be overstated. Excuse me.
Speaker 3: I'll end with this, and we won't have time for questions.
Speaker 2: I'll end with this. I asked on my first year
Speaker 2: that I did my show on religion on the line,
Speaker 2: I asked the priest minister Rabbi career heroes. They named Moses, Jesus,
Speaker 2: Saint Paul, Monodes, etcetera, etcetera. Which is fine, and these
Speaker 2: are heroic Raoul Wallenberg, and they're great. I mean, there's
Speaker 2: I'm I'm not arguing with those choices. When it came
Speaker 2: to my time, I answered the question too. I had
Speaker 2: not planned to.
Speaker 4: Say this, but as I was listening to all their answers,
Speaker 4: I was starting to realize there's something missing, and I said, finally,
Speaker 4: people who my heroes are people who generally.
Speaker 2: Observe the law, lead a good life, decent children, go
Speaker 2: to work, and pay their taxes. Honestly, they really are
Speaker 2: my heroes. It is very hard to do that. It
Speaker 2: is in some ways much easier to do a macro
Speaker 2: great thing than be faithful each day to your spouse,
Speaker 2: be a conscientious spouse, be a good parent, be a
Speaker 2: good friend to your friends, give a shoulder to a
Speaker 2: friend who has a tear. That's tough stuff. Nobody writes
Speaker 2: it up. And in America, the great reward is notoriety,
Speaker 2: to be known. This is nirvana. To an American. That's
Speaker 2: what the Gun Show was. The purpose was to be
Speaker 2: known for making a fool of yourself. The entire purpose
Speaker 2: was to be foolish. Why because it is much better
Speaker 2: to waste your life and be known than to lead
Speaker 2: a beautiful life and not be known. That is what
Speaker 2: happened to too many Americans. And it's trickled down to kids. Gallah.
Speaker 2: Kids say today what they want to be. I wouldn't
Speaker 2: mind if they said rich, but they say rich and famous.
Speaker 2: The famous bothers me much more than they're rich, because
Speaker 2: most people who will attain fame will not be doing
Speaker 2: it because they have been a mother Teresa, but will
Speaker 2: be doing it because of something analogous. More to the
Speaker 2: Gang Show. That's not a happy development in our society.
Speaker 2: Today's review talked about enjoying life. In the last part
Speaker 2: of that pursuit of depth and the pursuit of goodness,
Speaker 2: we begin the last four weeks with the chief criteria
Speaker 2: for becoming a happier human being in totally different directions.
Speaker 2: All right, I'll see you then.
Speaker 1: This has been timeless wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit Denispragger
Speaker 1: dot com for thousands of hours. If Dennis's lectures, course
Speaker 1: in Classic Radio Programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles,