WEBVTT - Timeless Wisdom: The Problem with Happiness - Part 12 0:00:21.460 --> 0:00:25.820 Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Here thousands of 0:00:25.860 --> 0:00:29.500 hours of Dennis's lectures courses in classic radio programs. Had 0:00:29.500 --> 0:00:39.620 to purchase Dennisprager's Rational Bibles go to Dennisprager dot com. 0:00:39.740 --> 0:00:43.739 The question was, can I offer any suggestions on coping? 0:00:44.100 --> 0:00:46.659 Remember we had a list of tensions that life is 0:00:46.659 --> 0:00:52.860 filled with? Can I offer suggestions on coping with the 0:00:52.940 --> 0:01:00.380 tension between work and family? One immediate and perhaps most 0:01:00.380 --> 0:01:04.380 important that comes to mind in a specific recommendation is 0:01:04.420 --> 0:01:07.380 that there have to be regular. 0:01:08.220 --> 0:01:14.940 Set times that family slash spouse. 0:01:16.940 --> 0:01:21.060 Or better family and or spouse, because sometimes it has 0:01:21.140 --> 0:01:26.060 to be spouse without family. Oh I wish I had 0:01:26.100 --> 0:01:29.140 a video camera. Oh God, the way this woman looked 0:01:29.140 --> 0:01:33.500 at her husband at that moment. She practically pulled most 0:01:33.540 --> 0:01:36.500 of his left side here hair out of his head, 0:01:40.860 --> 0:01:49.100 and he's recording it. No less, there has to be 0:01:49.220 --> 0:01:53.860 set times. I think that women more instinctively know this, 0:01:53.900 --> 0:01:56.260 which is why it was his hair that was pulled 0:01:56.460 --> 0:01:59.260 out of hers. 0:01:59.340 --> 0:02:03.900 For family and four spouse and for both. 0:02:05.820 --> 0:02:09.700 As I say, I have learned this and it has 0:02:09.740 --> 0:02:14.700 been very helpful, whether it be you just if you're 0:02:15.100 --> 0:02:19.340 a busy man, at the office. Why can't there be 0:02:19.540 --> 0:02:25.299 lunchtimes with If it's possible to arrange lunchtime with your 0:02:25.340 --> 0:02:31.500 wife or a wife busy lunchtime with your husband. If 0:02:31.540 --> 0:02:34.340 the only time you see your spouse is in the 0:02:34.380 --> 0:02:40.419 family context and then you just fall asleep, it's not 0:02:40.500 --> 0:02:46.420 going to be very helpful for developing or a relationship 0:02:46.460 --> 0:02:51.500 with your spouse, and certainly not for any romance. You know, 0:02:52.020 --> 0:02:58.220 dating has so many advantages over marriage in terms of romance. 0:02:58.740 --> 0:03:02.100 It's planned, right, you know, you'll go out and nobody. 0:03:02.300 --> 0:03:07.100 Very few people date five minutes before it's usually you know, 0:03:07.140 --> 0:03:10.980 what are you doing Saturday night? Okay, so you have 0:03:11.020 --> 0:03:15.100 all week to prepare for Saturday night in mood, in 0:03:15.380 --> 0:03:18.660 relaxation and getting the work out of the way, in 0:03:18.700 --> 0:03:21.740 how you look, in everything, so that that person is 0:03:21.820 --> 0:03:27.500 the overwhelming object of your attentions. You should try to 0:03:27.620 --> 0:03:32.380 date a little. I think when you're married, okay, continue 0:03:32.460 --> 0:03:36.700 dating as it were, having some of those special times together, 0:03:37.340 --> 0:03:40.180 times with them, times that could be with the family. 0:03:41.180 --> 0:03:44.820 If I know this in most I can only speak 0:03:44.860 --> 0:03:51.540 for men better than for women, much better. Most men 0:03:51.860 --> 0:03:57.740 do not naturally think of the priority of wife and 0:03:57.860 --> 0:04:03.020 family in terms of time, they say, and with utter sincerity. 0:04:02.500 --> 0:04:04.980 I love my wife, I love. 0:04:04.780 --> 0:04:09.380 My kids, but in terms of time you would never 0:04:09.460 --> 0:04:14.180 know it. So that I would say, is one area 0:04:14.260 --> 0:04:17.339 of coping. Now you want to know the coping internal mechanism, 0:04:17.460 --> 0:04:20.539 because this is a course on happiness, after all, You 0:04:20.740 --> 0:04:23.339 might argue, Okay, let's say he does that, but doesn't 0:04:23.339 --> 0:04:27.020 he suffer the tension of the decline in his work, 0:04:27.779 --> 0:04:30.500 which you are nodding very strongly about, because that's really 0:04:30.500 --> 0:04:34.979 what's the subtext of your question. I understand that it's 0:04:35.020 --> 0:04:37.940 not a course on a successful marriage. It's a course 0:04:37.980 --> 0:04:41.299 on happiness. That is why I am such a big 0:04:41.340 --> 0:04:47.020 believer in making intellectual philosophic decisions about what is important 0:04:47.060 --> 0:04:51.219 in life. And you have to make that decision if, 0:04:51.260 --> 0:04:54.420 in fact, work is so overwhelmingly more important. And I 0:04:54.420 --> 0:04:58.460 don't condemn anyone for whom it is. I think that 0:04:58.540 --> 0:05:02.740 you have to strongly consider not marrying or strongly consider 0:05:02.820 --> 0:05:06.060 not having children until such time as you feel you 0:05:06.100 --> 0:05:07.180 are ready. 0:05:07.260 --> 0:05:08.820 And a lot of men, by the way, do that. 0:05:08.900 --> 0:05:10.620 A lot of men want. 0:05:10.460 --> 0:05:13.580 To work their tail off in their twenties to get 0:05:13.620 --> 0:05:17.420 somewhere to study. They can't, you know, to finally establish 0:05:17.500 --> 0:05:19.620 a business, and or at least this is the way 0:05:19.660 --> 0:05:23.220 they may think, and then finally, at certain age they 0:05:23.260 --> 0:05:25.420 will be able to devote more time to the family. 0:05:25.500 --> 0:05:28.900 They don't, that's what they think, and then they don't 0:05:28.940 --> 0:05:32.100 because then once they're established, you have to stay one 0:05:32.220 --> 0:05:35.300 step ahead of the competition. Well, then you have to 0:05:35.340 --> 0:05:38.659 answer to yourself, where are your priorities? That's what tensions 0:05:38.700 --> 0:05:43.419 are about, figuring out priorities. I gave you the example 0:05:43.540 --> 0:05:46.420 of I was offered years ago a radio show that 0:05:46.460 --> 0:05:50.219 would go on Friday nights. It was so obvious to me, 0:05:50.300 --> 0:05:52.420 for religious reasons, that I would not work on a 0:05:52.460 --> 0:05:55.020 Friday night that it was the end of the issue. 0:05:55.100 --> 0:05:59.900 Wasn't tempting, I didn't feel terrible. My priorities were clear. 0:06:01.540 --> 0:06:05.180 The Sabbath is sacrisanc to me. No amount of money, 0:06:06.300 --> 0:06:10.940 no prestigious position, will enable me to sacrifice it. Which 0:06:10.980 --> 0:06:13.339 is why I've always related to the Christian runner in 0:06:13.540 --> 0:06:14.780 Chariots of Fire. 0:06:16.180 --> 0:06:18.660 Who ironically just died of aids. 0:06:18.740 --> 0:06:25.739 I heard the actor himself, but that runner said, gold 0:06:25.860 --> 0:06:30.700 metal wonderful, but it doesn't compare to the Sabbath. You 0:06:30.820 --> 0:06:33.219 have to be able to say I want to advance 0:06:33.260 --> 0:06:38.380 in my career, but not so much that that is it, 0:06:39.380 --> 0:06:42.900 except for all else. If it is it, you shouldn't 0:06:42.900 --> 0:06:45.900 be married, or you should be married to someone who 0:06:45.940 --> 0:06:49.020 is willing to say if indeed there is such a 0:06:49.060 --> 0:06:51.620 woman on the face of the earth. And I mean 0:06:52.020 --> 0:06:56.460 with all sincerity, that's fine. This is the most important 0:06:56.540 --> 0:07:00.140 thing to you. I am absolutely secondary. When you have 0:07:00.260 --> 0:07:02.740 time from your work, you will see me. I know 0:07:02.860 --> 0:07:05.180 that as we go into the marriage, she's probably lying 0:07:05.220 --> 0:07:08.180 through her teeth. She should give her a lie, detect 0:07:08.180 --> 0:07:11.300 her test. You should take her blood count and see 0:07:11.300 --> 0:07:15.100 if she is hallucinating. But if she actually is saying that, 0:07:15.180 --> 0:07:16.940 then all right here and all you've been honest. She's 0:07:16.980 --> 0:07:19.300 been honest, and so on. By the way, there might 0:07:19.300 --> 0:07:22.140 be women for whom careers that important is much less 0:07:22.260 --> 0:07:26.140 less common. And I don't think that that is just the. 0:07:26.380 --> 0:07:28.980 Social I think it is very much part of what 0:07:29.140 --> 0:07:29.980 is the makeup. 0:07:29.700 --> 0:07:32.780 Of the two sexes. But if it is societal, so fine. 0:07:32.900 --> 0:07:36.700 It doesn't matter to me which argument prevails. What is 0:07:36.780 --> 0:07:40.620 important is people have to understand what is important. It 0:07:40.660 --> 0:07:43.460 is a philosophic decision. That's why I'm a big believer 0:07:44.260 --> 0:07:48.100 on moral issues and an emotional issues like this that 0:07:48.380 --> 0:07:54.140 at very calm moments, like a Tuesday night in mid February, 0:07:54.380 --> 0:07:59.300 people sit down and decide what's important to them. You 0:07:59.380 --> 0:08:02.420 can't decide it all of a sudden, in the middle 0:08:02.500 --> 0:08:04.300 of seeing your family fall apart. 0:08:05.500 --> 0:08:09.060 It may be very well too late. You must know 0:08:09.260 --> 0:08:10.260 at calm moments. 0:08:10.620 --> 0:08:12.860 When I ask high school kids, would you save your 0:08:12.980 --> 0:08:16.060 dog or a stranger first if both were drowning, their 0:08:16.100 --> 0:08:18.540 favorite answer is, well, I don't know, you know, how 0:08:18.540 --> 0:08:20.020 do you know what you'll do in such a moment. 0:08:20.060 --> 0:08:22.140 It's a real difficult thing to know. I don't know. 0:08:22.180 --> 0:08:25.739 I love my dog, Okay, I say so. I say 0:08:26.340 --> 0:08:29.340 you have to decide now while your dog isn't drowning, 0:08:29.940 --> 0:08:32.740 what are your values? Is your dog, whom you love, 0:08:32.860 --> 0:08:36.979 more important than the stranger that you don't love. You 0:08:37.059 --> 0:08:41.100 must decide, when it is calm in life, what is 0:08:41.179 --> 0:08:44.660 truly important to you, and then live by it. That's 0:08:44.660 --> 0:08:46.660 why I'm a big believer in the place of the 0:08:46.740 --> 0:08:50.380 intellect in the arena of happiness. It's not the only 0:08:50.540 --> 0:08:54.700 thing in happiness, but it's a cool, calm, collected decision. 0:08:55.300 --> 0:08:57.900 I can tell you this. A rabbi once made a 0:08:57.980 --> 0:09:02.179 very powerful point. I think on one of my radio shows, 0:09:03.100 --> 0:09:07.140 he said, when with all the dying men that he 0:09:07.260 --> 0:09:10.620 has been to visiting in hospitals, he never met one 0:09:10.700 --> 0:09:14.300 who said on that bed, gee, I wish I spent 0:09:14.420 --> 0:09:20.420 more time at the office. Okay. It is a very 0:09:20.980 --> 0:09:25.300 very important point for men to remember, because I know, 0:09:25.460 --> 0:09:27.260 as well as any man in this room, as well 0:09:27.300 --> 0:09:29.740 as any man in America, I am very ambitious, I 0:09:29.820 --> 0:09:31.540 am very devoted to my work, etc. 0:09:32.420 --> 0:09:34.620 And when I get involved, there is nothing else in 0:09:34.660 --> 0:09:35.059 the world. 0:09:36.300 --> 0:09:38.540 I know that I'm writing an article, or I'm on 0:09:38.620 --> 0:09:40.980 the phone all day or something, and you know, just 0:09:41.100 --> 0:09:45.100 everything can drift away, the time just flying, Oh my god. 0:09:46.060 --> 0:09:48.220 And that is why these are decisions that one has 0:09:48.260 --> 0:09:53.140 to make intellectually, and then all of a sudden you realize, Okay, 0:09:53.420 --> 0:09:56.220 su fine, you'll sacrifice, you won't be a partner in 0:09:56.260 --> 0:10:00.939 the law firm that fast. That is correct, I submit 0:10:01.020 --> 0:10:04.500 to you. And this was really from last term when 0:10:04.540 --> 0:10:08.060 I argue that one of the obstacles to happiness is 0:10:08.100 --> 0:10:11.940 the belief that success makes you happy. If you believe 0:10:12.020 --> 0:10:16.380 that you have bought, you bought the Brooklyn Bridge, the 0:10:16.420 --> 0:10:20.500 proverbial bridge, There's a very simple way to prove that, 0:10:20.660 --> 0:10:23.300 which I elaborated on last term, and that is ask 0:10:23.740 --> 0:10:27.780 highly successful people if that is what has brought them happiness, 0:10:28.780 --> 0:10:31.380 and you will find in every instance that I have 0:10:31.500 --> 0:10:34.380 tried this out, they are If they think it does, 0:10:35.220 --> 0:10:38.059 then what they're doing is trying to become more successful. 0:10:39.140 --> 0:10:42.980 They don't stop the acquisitions, don't stop, the bloverage, buyouts, 0:10:42.980 --> 0:10:47.220 won't stop. They're looking for new companies. Won't stop. They're 0:10:47.260 --> 0:10:49.460 trying for yet, because once you're a partner in that 0:10:49.580 --> 0:10:52.540 law firm, what happens. First of all, you still have 0:10:52.620 --> 0:10:55.780 to go up the list. It's endless. And then let's 0:10:55.780 --> 0:10:58.260 say you're number one, but there are ten bigger law firms. 0:10:59.100 --> 0:11:03.060 You've never been successful and successful, my god, look at 0:11:03.100 --> 0:11:05.300 the people who are getting nominated to the Supreme Court 0:11:05.340 --> 0:11:07.819 and you're just a partner in a law firm. Look 0:11:07.860 --> 0:11:11.860 at the ones who are on television and you never 0:11:11.900 --> 0:11:14.060 got on TV maybe once when they needed to know 0:11:14.100 --> 0:11:19.900 something about the litigation in your area. It's endless. It's endless, endless, endless. 0:11:21.340 --> 0:11:24.100 You write books, it's not a bestseller. What's so great? 0:11:24.940 --> 0:11:27.500 Don't you see? I realized this? Thank God, Thank God. 0:11:27.540 --> 0:11:29.500 I realized this at a young age. I got published 0:11:29.580 --> 0:11:33.179 very young, and boy, the thought of being published by 0:11:33.179 --> 0:11:34.060 Simon and Schuster. 0:11:34.540 --> 0:11:38.900 It was exciting for a day. Third day what became 0:11:38.980 --> 0:11:39.740 all was important. 0:11:39.740 --> 0:11:44.140 Then I started realizing it's quicksand success is clicksand because 0:11:44.140 --> 0:11:46.220 once it was published by Simon and Schuster. The next 0:11:46.220 --> 0:11:51.300 thing was, how come they're not advertising our book. It's dying. 0:11:51.420 --> 0:11:53.860 It's dying at Simon and Schuster. We haven't seen it 0:11:53.940 --> 0:11:55.660 was just true to this day the book was published. 0:11:55.660 --> 0:11:58.260 First book was published fifteen years ago. Simon and Schusters 0:11:58.260 --> 0:12:01.820 never taken out of single ad. Okay, so I could 0:12:01.860 --> 0:12:04.420 spend my that I never took out an ad. Forget it. 0:12:04.420 --> 0:12:08.900 It's unbelievable. We're finished, and then it's endless. Then you 0:12:08.900 --> 0:12:10.980 get we get an advance on the next book, Simon 0:12:11.020 --> 0:12:13.260 and Schuster in advance. But then we find out another 0:12:13.300 --> 0:12:15.780 guy got so much more in advance it made us 0:12:15.780 --> 0:12:18.820 look like nothing's he's in the meantime thinking he's a 0:12:18.860 --> 0:12:21.460 nothing because he heard what Mitchener got for in advance, and 0:12:21.540 --> 0:12:24.740 Mitchner gets in advance just by saying, let me look 0:12:24.780 --> 0:12:32.660 at the globe, uh Caribbean ten million dollars Caribbean sould 0:12:32.740 --> 0:12:35.540 to Mitchner. That's all he has to do. The rest 0:12:35.540 --> 0:12:38.420 of us we have to pour over. I submit a book, 0:12:38.620 --> 0:12:41.580 I'm lucky if it gets ten thousand dollars after I 0:12:41.660 --> 0:12:45.180 submit the book. Finally, on the third book, they only 0:12:45.220 --> 0:12:47.459 needed a long outline, which took me half the time 0:12:47.500 --> 0:12:48.940 it would take to write a book to write that 0:12:48.980 --> 0:12:51.219 for shrinken outline, I should have written the book in 0:12:51.260 --> 0:12:54.780 that time. But don't you see it's endless. It's endless. 0:12:54.820 --> 0:12:57.380 I seem to somebody to be very successful. I could 0:12:57.420 --> 0:13:00.260 show you twenty areas where there were people twenty times 0:13:00.260 --> 0:13:04.420 more successful than I. It's endless, endless. When a man realizes, 0:13:04.460 --> 0:13:06.260 and I'm just addressing if there are women who were 0:13:06.260 --> 0:13:09.540 caught on this, it's obviously just as true. But it's 0:13:09.540 --> 0:13:12.179 a man asking. It's usually a man's problem, and it's 0:13:12.220 --> 0:13:14.780 usually a woman's problem. Married to such a man, I 0:13:14.900 --> 0:13:18.980 say to you, it's Quicksand because you can become partner 0:13:19.020 --> 0:13:21.460 in the firm, you can become CEO and what so 0:13:21.580 --> 0:13:24.140 on that day you'll be happy when you're CEO. Then 0:13:24.300 --> 0:13:28.220 you'll spend lunches with your wife. Right? Is that? By 0:13:28.220 --> 0:13:29.980 at least, by the way, if that were true, at 0:13:30.060 --> 0:13:34.420 least if you even made that that thou honey, as 0:13:34.420 --> 0:13:39.420 soon as I am a partner daily lunch, okay, at 0:13:39.500 --> 0:13:43.340 least she knows he becomes a partner. It ends now 0:13:43.380 --> 0:13:45.820 if you believe that. However, he too should have his 0:13:45.860 --> 0:13:48.460 blood checked and this and a lie detective, because he's 0:13:48.540 --> 0:13:51.180 lying through his feet even though he thinks he's sincere. 0:13:52.260 --> 0:13:56.780 That is the beauty of Hillel's doc doctrine. Hillel, who 0:13:56.860 --> 0:13:59.180 was asked to summarize everything that he may on Eli meele. 0:13:59.300 --> 0:14:00.820 If I am not for me, who will be for me? 0:14:01.220 --> 0:14:03.459 He loves me money? But if I am only for me, 0:14:03.540 --> 0:14:06.420 then what am I? And then the third part seems 0:14:06.420 --> 0:14:09.780 to be a nonsequitur. And if not now being loach 0:14:09.860 --> 0:14:14.100 shave tai, If not now, then when why does that 0:14:14.179 --> 0:14:15.380 have to do with? If I am not for me, 0:14:15.420 --> 0:14:16.780 who will be? And if I am only for me, 0:14:16.820 --> 0:14:19.740 then what am I? That's the whole point. If not now, 0:14:19.780 --> 0:14:21.500 when if you know it' stop having lunches with your 0:14:21.500 --> 0:14:24.100 wife now or breakfast or dinners, or if you don't 0:14:24.100 --> 0:14:26.700 start taking your kids out and having time with it, 0:14:26.700 --> 0:14:29.100 why are you going to do it when they're thirty, 0:14:29.580 --> 0:14:33.540 and they don't want to look at your face. Now, 0:14:33.540 --> 0:14:36.420 that is why that rabbi's comment had an impact. And 0:14:36.420 --> 0:14:38.180 by the way, these words are addressed as much to 0:14:38.220 --> 0:14:40.460 me as to any of you. These are tough things 0:14:40.500 --> 0:14:46.460 to assimilate, but they're critical critical. On the other hand, 0:14:46.500 --> 0:14:49.220 women remember one thing. It's very important. You don't want 0:14:49.260 --> 0:14:53.340 a man who isn't ambitious. Most women don't want a 0:14:53.380 --> 0:14:55.820 man who does not want to be successful in his 0:14:55.940 --> 0:14:59.220 career because he's not radiating what is a very attractive 0:14:59.260 --> 0:15:04.020 thing to a woman. A nest fielder, a protector strength, 0:15:05.060 --> 0:15:08.540 even wants her name. Who's the famous woman television anchor 0:15:08.700 --> 0:15:13.180 television Barbara Walters? Barbara Walters is about as successful as 0:15:13.180 --> 0:15:16.140 you can get in her field, right, but she wanted 0:15:16.220 --> 0:15:20.300 someone richer than her. It is classic. It was classic. 0:15:20.300 --> 0:15:22.740 They're I got four men in America who fit that bill. 0:15:22.980 --> 0:15:27.020 She married one of them. She wouldn't give me the 0:15:27.060 --> 0:15:35.300 time of day. Barbara, very very important that women want 0:15:35.340 --> 0:15:37.980 that in men, and women remember that too. That's part 0:15:37.980 --> 0:15:39.940 of what makes your husband lovable is that he is 0:15:39.980 --> 0:15:41.980 a go get or he is a hustler. You wouldn't 0:15:41.980 --> 0:15:45.180 want a guy's honey, I love to rump in bed 0:15:45.340 --> 0:15:49.100 every day with you. The hell with the office. Let's 0:15:49.180 --> 0:15:58.140 just hug sounds good for a day. Okay, that's important 0:15:58.140 --> 0:16:00.420 for women to remember that too, Chris. This is a 0:16:00.460 --> 0:16:03.660 trait that makes men men it wanting to wanting to 0:16:04.500 --> 0:16:06.300 go out in the outer world and conquer. 0:16:07.100 --> 0:16:09.940 So that's a classic tensions attention that a woman has. 0:16:10.380 --> 0:16:13.540 Either visa VI herself or visa her husband as well, 0:16:14.460 --> 0:16:16.900 knowing how much in each direction. That's why I say 0:16:16.940 --> 0:16:19.820 life is filled with these tensions. So a very long 0:16:19.860 --> 0:16:23.060 answer to a very good and short question, take one 0:16:23.100 --> 0:16:28.340 more before I go on, Yes, with the goal in 0:16:28.460 --> 0:16:33.300 mind of raising a child to be an adult, because 0:16:33.340 --> 0:16:36.100 we spoke about that. Remember, you're not raising just a 0:16:36.140 --> 0:16:38.660 ten year old. You are raising a thirty year old. 0:16:39.940 --> 0:16:42.100 And as I think I put it to you, remember 0:16:42.140 --> 0:16:45.380 we are far more adults than children in our lives, 0:16:46.260 --> 0:16:48.700 and it is very important. Well, it's a good question. 0:16:49.060 --> 0:16:51.820 What are the specific things. I'd have to work that 0:16:51.940 --> 0:16:54.020 out and come back with an answer to you, because 0:16:54.020 --> 0:16:55.460 I don't want to answer off the top of my 0:16:55.540 --> 0:16:59.140 head only only to give you some quick reflections. Because 0:16:59.140 --> 0:17:04.140 I'm going to write that down okay, well, for one thing. 0:17:06.899 --> 0:17:09.419 There are two areas that come to mind immediately. One 0:17:09.460 --> 0:17:12.820 is emotional stability, giving a child what the child needs emotionally. 0:17:13.940 --> 0:17:16.820 But which is I think obvious. I'm not saying parents 0:17:16.859 --> 0:17:19.260 do it well, but at least it's obvious, that's well known. 0:17:19.899 --> 0:17:23.500 I think the less lot, the less obvious parts are 0:17:23.619 --> 0:17:28.059 for some tougher and that is teaching, raising the child 0:17:28.100 --> 0:17:32.379 to become an independent human being, to become self reliant. 0:17:32.619 --> 0:17:35.419 It's very interesting in the Talmud. I just don't remember 0:17:35.500 --> 0:17:38.019 all the things it says. If a father is obligated 0:17:38.020 --> 0:17:41.139 to teach a child the following, and one of them 0:17:41.459 --> 0:17:44.819 is to swim. I mean, it's really it's funny. You know, 0:17:44.939 --> 0:17:46.739 it's got Talmud. You know, it's got all the you know, 0:17:47.580 --> 0:17:52.340 it's got all the religious things, and then to swim. 0:17:53.100 --> 0:17:55.379 Maybe that's part of Jews thinking, because they'll always have 0:17:55.419 --> 0:17:59.859 to flee up a grum. Unfortunately, I was so thought 0:17:59.899 --> 0:18:02.939 that that might be an underlying element. But in any event, 0:18:04.500 --> 0:18:07.219 it is the more you could teach a child to 0:18:07.260 --> 0:18:11.780 be self reliant. Don't spoil a child, because then there'll 0:18:11.780 --> 0:18:16.100 be a spoiled adult. That's a very important area. Have 0:18:16.179 --> 0:18:21.019 a child do things as as a child that ring 0:18:21.540 --> 0:18:25.659 self esteem. You know, we all speak about inculcating self 0:18:25.739 --> 0:18:29.500 esteem in children, but you're telling your child you're wonderful, 0:18:29.500 --> 0:18:33.299 You're wonderful, You're wonderful. As important as that is, doesn't 0:18:33.300 --> 0:18:36.659 do as much as the child thinking I'm wonderful for 0:18:36.820 --> 0:18:40.859 doing things that are wonderful. It's a very important, very 0:18:40.899 --> 0:18:45.580 important part here. Self esteem comes from peers, self esteem 0:18:45.619 --> 0:18:47.780 comes from self self esteem comes from parents. 0:18:47.820 --> 0:18:51.580 Self esteem comes from society. 0:18:52.060 --> 0:18:54.619 So I would develop whatever trait you know how the 0:18:54.659 --> 0:18:57.499 best answer is is really the most honest answer to you. 0:18:58.619 --> 0:19:01.819 Whatever you think is important in an adult, try to 0:19:01.820 --> 0:19:05.179 start developing in your child. That's the good part of 0:19:05.219 --> 0:19:07.739 being an adult. If you look into yourself. Why is 0:19:07.780 --> 0:19:10.859 it about me or another adult that I know that 0:19:10.939 --> 0:19:13.740 I think is important to have as an adult. Am 0:19:13.780 --> 0:19:16.259 I working in any way to inculcate those things in 0:19:16.300 --> 0:19:19.619 my child? That is why I mean for me personally, 0:19:19.659 --> 0:19:23.300 we all have our Maybe idiosyncracies is a good word, 0:19:23.340 --> 0:19:25.939 bad word, I don't know, but for me I know 0:19:26.100 --> 0:19:30.739 that it's it's I think it's very important for people 0:19:31.219 --> 0:19:37.300 not to complain a lot, and it's just it's I 0:19:37.899 --> 0:19:44.100 like inculcating in children gratitude rather than kvetching, Gee, why 0:19:44.100 --> 0:19:46.180 don't I have this dress? Why don't I have this thing? 0:19:46.219 --> 0:19:48.580 Why don't I have this Nintendo? I mean, you know, 0:19:48.659 --> 0:19:51.659 my son tells me my son has six Nintendo games? 0:19:51.699 --> 0:19:56.019 Six for gods? Is that a joke? Including the mutant 0:19:56.139 --> 0:19:59.540 Ninja Turtles? Okay, I just want you to know that. 0:20:01.619 --> 0:20:04.499 Do you know, Uh, he came home. I think he 0:20:04.580 --> 0:20:07.179 has a friend and is this right? Who has forty? 0:20:07.899 --> 0:20:12.979 My son feels deprived. He has six Nintendos and he 0:20:13.060 --> 0:20:18.379 feels deprived because Yitzkock or whatever his name is, has 0:20:18.459 --> 0:20:22.019 forty forty. The guys he has a lending library. For 0:20:22.100 --> 0:20:24.580 God's sake, he could really he could make money, gets 0:20:24.659 --> 0:20:30.740 hug on just renting out Nintendo games. I don't want 0:20:30.780 --> 0:20:33.340 my son to complain about that. If you walk around life, 0:20:33.419 --> 0:20:35.580 it's an early age that I want him to know 0:20:35.739 --> 0:20:38.259 what an adult can do, because we don't do that 0:20:38.340 --> 0:20:40.779 with Nintendo's. We do it with cars, We do it 0:20:40.820 --> 0:20:43.699 with husbands. We do it with wives. Look at this wife, 0:20:43.739 --> 0:20:45.779 Look at that husband. Look at those kids. Look at 0:20:45.780 --> 0:20:48.300 the house, look at their vacations, look at their bank book. 0:20:48.899 --> 0:20:53.740 He does it with Nintendo's that's all. It's the only difference. 0:20:54.139 --> 0:20:57.899 It's good to start. You got six, be happy with six. 0:20:59.619 --> 0:21:02.299 That's the key. That's one of the so I really 0:21:02.500 --> 0:21:04.339 I don't even think I have to come back with 0:21:04.419 --> 0:21:07.419 an answer except to say to you what you value 0:21:07.459 --> 0:21:11.859 an adult, inculcate early in children, lovingly, and so on. 0:21:11.939 --> 0:21:14.739 But still, that is why it's worth knowing. What are 0:21:14.780 --> 0:21:17.740 the traits that make for a happy adult. That's why 0:21:17.780 --> 0:21:20.300 this stuff is important. That's why I believe, both when 0:21:20.300 --> 0:21:22.779 I teach Judaism and when I teach these courses, that 0:21:22.859 --> 0:21:26.460 it's more important to talk to adults. Very frequently when 0:21:26.500 --> 0:21:28.459 I go around the country lecturing, people say, oh, if 0:21:28.500 --> 0:21:30.899 you only could have talked to the kids. Well, let 0:21:30.899 --> 0:21:33.020 me tell you something. Last week I gave a talk 0:21:34.179 --> 0:21:36.779 in one of one of the southern states to at 0:21:36.820 --> 0:21:40.899 a university. I talked to college kids. The next night 0:21:40.939 --> 0:21:45.739 I talked to adults. The second lecture was more valuable. 0:21:47.179 --> 0:21:51.019 You can change an adult in a lecture. You can't 0:21:51.139 --> 0:21:57.100 change a kid in a lecture. Adults are deeper, more mature, 0:21:57.379 --> 0:22:01.139 more rational. An adult here's a convincing idea, and they say, yeah, 0:22:01.780 --> 0:22:06.180 that's what I should do not kids, generally speaking, an 0:22:06.179 --> 0:22:10.220 exceptional kid, Mike, I know this. It took a month 0:22:10.459 --> 0:22:15.100 to touch a kid daily immersion in Judaism, a month 0:22:16.300 --> 0:22:18.859 when I was director of the Brandeispardin Institute and we 0:22:18.899 --> 0:22:22.419 had college sessions. On the other hand, I get letters 0:22:22.419 --> 0:22:24.580 all the time from people who read one article you 0:22:24.619 --> 0:22:28.179 know what, great arguments for keeping kosher I'm going to start. 0:22:29.100 --> 0:22:33.179 It would never happen in one lecture to a college kid. Okay, 0:22:33.260 --> 0:22:35.820 that is why it's important to talk to adults. Adults 0:22:35.820 --> 0:22:39.219 know what's important. They start inculcating that in the in 0:22:39.260 --> 0:22:44.459 the kids as early as possible. Ladies and gentlemen. Last 0:22:44.459 --> 0:22:47.739 week there were in the last two weeks, there have 0:22:47.780 --> 0:22:49.939 been two themes that I have been working on. One 0:22:49.979 --> 0:22:54.580 is enjoy Life. The other is which we began near 0:22:54.619 --> 0:22:58.379 the end of death. I'm going to go back to 0:22:58.459 --> 0:23:03.219 depth and in depth develop depth. The first I want 0:23:03.260 --> 0:23:06.939 to give you two very quick recommendations on the enjoy 0:23:07.100 --> 0:23:11.419 under the enjoy life heading that we have been talking about. 0:23:14.820 --> 0:23:19.739 Actually it's really they're very much related and maybe not 0:23:19.820 --> 0:23:25.019 even two separates things. I actually owe this to my 0:23:25.100 --> 0:23:32.379 mother in law, who I promised to cite in the book. 0:23:33.780 --> 0:23:37.899 It's a small point, but a very but one that 0:23:38.580 --> 0:23:40.619 without having read it in a letter that she wrote 0:23:40.659 --> 0:23:44.100 to my wife and me, I would not have been 0:23:44.659 --> 0:23:48.419 as aware of. It is critical in life to have 0:23:48.500 --> 0:23:58.220 something to look forward to. Have it is the only 0:23:59.899 --> 0:24:05.659 only is too strong, but nearly only, almost insoluble. Depression 0:24:07.340 --> 0:24:09.260 could come in life when there was nothing to look 0:24:09.300 --> 0:24:11.819 forward to, when there is no possible light at the 0:24:11.859 --> 0:24:14.740 end of the tunnel, except obviously you're on your deathbed. 0:24:14.859 --> 0:24:18.459 But people make peace with dying. Most people do, most 0:24:18.459 --> 0:24:24.259 healthy people do. And there you try to look back 0:24:24.340 --> 0:24:27.939 towards a life of having done things. And I'm going 0:24:27.979 --> 0:24:32.739 to talk about the deathbed as a source of happiness 0:24:32.780 --> 0:24:35.859 in life. Oddly enough, I don't mean it makes you happy, 0:24:35.899 --> 0:24:40.260 but thinking of in those terms having a good effect 0:24:40.340 --> 0:24:43.259 on you. But having something to look forward to is 0:24:43.379 --> 0:24:47.619 very important. We can somehow deal with just about anything 0:24:48.859 --> 0:24:51.139 if we know that there is something to look forward to. 0:24:52.219 --> 0:24:54.779 I think that that is important that you have that 0:24:54.859 --> 0:24:59.100 in life. For example, of vacation, it is really possible 0:24:59.139 --> 0:25:02.379 to endure a lot of months of work if you know, well, 0:25:02.540 --> 0:25:06.259