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Speaker 1: Life Audio.

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Speaker 2: Hey there, head the creekmar here, thanks for listening to

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Speaker 2: the Compared to You podcast today. I promised you a

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Speaker 2: new series on the religion of dieting, and we're going

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Speaker 2: to get to that, but I thought it might be

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Speaker 2: helpful first for you to hear another story of a

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Speaker 2: real woman whose life has been transformed as she's walked

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Speaker 2: through really sorting out her body, image and food issues

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Speaker 2: with God at the center of that sorting process. Her

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Speaker 2: name is Tara, and she's been let's say, processing and

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Speaker 2: sorting and working and praying and learning and all the

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Speaker 2: things for almost five years now. In fact, she's done

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Speaker 2: so much of it that she's joined us and is

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Speaker 2: now one of the coaches on our team. And if

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Speaker 2: you've been part of the Forty Day Journey, you've met

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Speaker 2: her in the forty Day Journey. But I thought today

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Speaker 2: it might be helpful to share Terra's story because in

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Speaker 2: terror story, you're gonna hear that scene theme I mentioned

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Speaker 2: that religion of dieting. She thought by handling food the

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Speaker 2: way she was handling food, she was actually doing it

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Speaker 2: the biblical way. She was trying to be a good

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Speaker 2: Christian through restricting food. I think this might be encouraging

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Speaker 2: or informative to you. We're going to dig into this

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Speaker 2: topping more of the next couple weeks, but for today,

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Speaker 2: here's Tara's story. I'm glad you're here for it. Tara,

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Speaker 2: thanks for being on the Compared to his show today, Oh,

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Speaker 2: I'm so.

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Speaker 1: Happy to be here. Such a blessing to be with you.

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Speaker 2: So Tara is here to share her journey and I do.

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Speaker 2: So let's go back to the beginning. Your journey started.

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Speaker 2: What would you say last.

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Speaker 1: January January tenth or something like that.

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Speaker 2: Okay, what about look?

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Speaker 1: Oh goodness. So it's interesting because I feel like that

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Speaker 1: was the beginning of my But now that we're in

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Speaker 1: November and I'm kind of going through it, I look

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Speaker 1: back and I'm like, oh, man, God had brought me,

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Speaker 1: had been preparing me for this way before that day.

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Speaker 1: But for me, that date was like I had gone

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Speaker 1: in to do my morning You Version Bible app which

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Speaker 1: was something that I had been doing daily with God

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Speaker 1: for a while.

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Speaker 3: Now as I get up early before the kids.

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Speaker 1: When the house is quiet, and I'd go to my

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Speaker 1: Version Holy Bible app and I would do like a

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Speaker 1: guided prayer. I would do plans and read the devotionals

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Speaker 1: and then do the scriptures and that kind of thing

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Speaker 1: to try to get my day started because I was really,

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Speaker 1: you know, had been struggling in many areas, and on

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Speaker 1: that particular day, I remember going in and just looking

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Speaker 1: her usual at another Bible plan I was looking for

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Speaker 1: to help me with my food. How can I eat

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Speaker 1: biblically to lose weight? To fast? What should I be eating?

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Speaker 1: How can I make this work? God? How do I

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Speaker 1: honor You? And I was at that place where I

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Speaker 1: was like I had done every Bible plan a day,

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Speaker 1: had a new version that came up with food, I

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Speaker 1: had tried every fast. I mean, I'm kind of backtracking here,

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Speaker 1: but basically, in that moment, you're compared to who Bible

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Speaker 1: plant came up and there was a pair on with

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Speaker 1: the little measuring tape, and of course I'm like, well,

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Speaker 1: there it is. I'm going to get my little waist

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Speaker 1: skinny again. And it was so interesting and I clicked

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Speaker 1: on it and I started reading the devotional and I

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Speaker 1: will never forget like I don't even remember what the

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Speaker 1: words were at the time. I just remember being gripped,

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Speaker 1: like like the Holy Spirit just gripped me in that moment,

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Speaker 1: and there was this pause like this is totally different,

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Speaker 1: this is nothing that I expected. And it was like,

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Speaker 1: oh lord, she's speaking my heart, my mind, my thoughts, everything,

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Speaker 1: And I think I read like the entire devotional in

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Speaker 1: that one sitting. And I went back and I kept

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Speaker 1: doing it day after day, and I feel like it

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Speaker 1: was just there was something so desperate in me at

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Speaker 1: that point, and your words gripped me so much, and

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Speaker 1: from that it was just like, thus started my journey.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so let's go back even before that then, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: what's your relationship like with your food and your body?

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Speaker 1: Like what did that look like?

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Speaker 2: And you know, go back as far as you want

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Speaker 2: to in terms of your story.

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Speaker 1: I know I was thinking about that. I was like, man,

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Speaker 1: it's funny because when I thought about January, I thought like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know, my story with this it has only been

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Speaker 1: you know, a couple of years in my mind. But

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Speaker 1: when I you know, being in this, in this process

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Speaker 1: and this journey with you since then, I've.

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Speaker 3: Realized how far back it really goes.

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Speaker 1: And so January was really like that epitome of like

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Speaker 1: hitting a wall and just being like I need help

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Speaker 1: and not even realizing it so before that. Really going back,

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Speaker 1: I mean, gosh, we could go back, way way far back,

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Speaker 1: but I think it really began. Like I'm so blessed.

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Speaker 1: I was raised in like a wonderful home, I mean,

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Speaker 1: typical kind of typical two parents. I was very lucky.

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Speaker 1: I grew up with the foundation in Jesus. That was

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Speaker 1: so I think it was such a gift that got

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Speaker 1: me through so much. I live up and grew up

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Speaker 1: all my whole life in Massachusetts and the suburbs. We

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Speaker 1: went to church and we talked about Jesus, but we

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Speaker 1: also followed, you know, a lot of the ways of

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Speaker 1: the world. We're part of our lifestyle. You know, what

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Speaker 1: to eat was shaped by you know, my mom, and

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Speaker 1: you know what she thought was healthy or good food

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Speaker 1: at the time. Unbeknownst to her, you know, I was,

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Speaker 1: you know, utterly on. You know, you eat your good

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Speaker 1: foods first, and then you eat other foods afterwards. Treats

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Speaker 1: are you know, to be had only every now and then.

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Speaker 1: And my parents wanted me very much to know that

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Speaker 1: I was loved, and they never They always showed me that.

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Speaker 1: But I grew up as even as a young child,

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Speaker 1: showing signs of anxiety and depression, lots of fears, lots

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Speaker 1: of insecurities, and as a result, I think that my

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Speaker 1: my mom in particular, really felt that it was important

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Speaker 1: for me, you know, have self esteem, to feel good

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Speaker 1: about myself. She really wanted me to see how valuable

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Speaker 1: I was, and though in her heart, I know she

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Speaker 1: knows that her goal was to believe, for me to

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Speaker 1: believe that Jesus was, you know, my my teaching me

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Speaker 1: that he was my savior and that he loved me.

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Speaker 1: She praised me so much on the external things. I

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Speaker 1: had a lot of praise on from early on, just

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Speaker 1: on how I.

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Speaker 3: Look, how I.

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Speaker 1: Performed in my sports, or how I did in school,

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Speaker 1: And though it was always in a very positive way,

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Speaker 1: I learned to feel that I wanted to continue gaining

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Speaker 1: that prace and gaining that feeling. That kind of started

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Speaker 1: a lifelong journey of I think, really seeking approval, really

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Speaker 1: seeking a desire to be to be loved. And what

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Speaker 1: I ended up doing was getting into a sport. I

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Speaker 1: feel like that really was detrimental for me and my

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Speaker 1: journey with insecurity. And I did gymnastics starting at a

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Speaker 1: really young age and got into competitive gym mastics really

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Speaker 1: early on, and as it was built of that, I

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Speaker 1: had a huge focus on my body. So when I

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Speaker 1: was younger, it was fun. I had loved it. I

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Speaker 1: had a skill for it, I had a talent. We

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Speaker 1: flipped around, it was fun. But growing up I was

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Speaker 1: always really aware of what I ate, of how I

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Speaker 1: looked having to wear this small, little, leer tard. And

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Speaker 1: then once my body started to.

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Speaker 3: Change as I hit puberty, as.

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Speaker 1: Girls change, and the small, any little shape I was

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Speaker 1: in started to get larger, and the hips got bigger,

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Speaker 1: and the belly of the bottom and all those areas

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Speaker 1: start to fill out. I just was like, oh no, no, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: this can't happen. It was like okay, And I immediately

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Speaker 1: started restricting and going into ways that I could could

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Speaker 1: control that my body from not changing basically, and trying

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Speaker 1: to keep it within what I thought it needed to be.

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Speaker 1: And then just this concept of a judge staring at me,

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Speaker 1: judging me, like everything was about are my toes pointed

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Speaker 1: perfectly or my legs straight as this move? You know,

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Speaker 1: every single tiny detail of me was constant being judged.

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Speaker 1: And I think that I just took that viewpoint on

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Speaker 1: a larger scale my whole life and really felt that

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Speaker 1: I needed to win the approval of my parents, of

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Speaker 1: my teachers, of my peers. And then with a kind

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Speaker 1: of predisposition for anxiety and depression, I spent most of

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Speaker 1: my younger days, like my young teenage days, just feeling

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Speaker 1: so unworthy and I loved so terrified. There's so much fear,

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Speaker 1: so much insecurity, and my mother and her you know,

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Speaker 1: desire and hopes of just building that confidence in me,

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Speaker 1: you know, would often make comments just like you know,

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Speaker 1: they're jealous or you know, you're such a you know,

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Speaker 1: you have such kind of heart and you do so

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Speaker 1: well in school and you're so this. You know, they

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Speaker 1: just you know, you know, you always have a shoes

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Speaker 1: to say, like you know, you you know, oh someone's

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Speaker 1: always some guys always interested in you, you know. And

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Speaker 1: then that started getting me into thinking as I got older, too,

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Speaker 1: about attention from from them. So then I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: if the guy's interested in me, and that means that

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Speaker 1: I'm valuable or worth something and it's worth being jealous for.

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Speaker 1: Then now it came to be about keeping my body

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Speaker 1: in this this way for a sport. Then it became

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Speaker 1: keeping my body looking attractive to get the attention of

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Speaker 1: mem And I also sort of started to give up

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Speaker 1: almost on create cultivating friendships because I just felt like

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Speaker 1: I never fit in with the girls. I always felt

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Speaker 1: really less than I was the subject of some bullying

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Speaker 1: in high school, which was really really hard for me

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Speaker 1: too as well. So there were a lot of days

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Speaker 1: where I would sit or in the art room for

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Speaker 1: lunch because I didn't have someone to sit with, and

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Speaker 1: I would just do artwork and paint and I'd pretend

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Speaker 1: like I put this front on, to pretend like it

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Speaker 1: didn't bother me that I chose to do that, that

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Speaker 1: I wanted to be alone and I was a loner,

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Speaker 1: that I was different, and I went through many different

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Speaker 1: phases of trying to create the identity that I wanted

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Speaker 1: everyone else to see. So it was so much of

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Speaker 1: me trying to put on what I thought I needed

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Speaker 1: to show the world to protect myself. So I think

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Speaker 1: that with this sort of between the eating and the

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Speaker 1: you know, the depression, the anxiety in my younger years,

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Speaker 1: it really took me down a dark road more with

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Speaker 1: getting into alcohol and drugs, and so the food never

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Speaker 1: seemed like a big deal to me. That was just normal,

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Speaker 1: like you just you have to restrict to state thin.

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Speaker 1: You have to not eat, you know, you have to

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Speaker 1: make sure you don't eat to much sugar. You have

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Speaker 1: to restrict calories. You have to eat healthy. You know.

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Speaker 1: We didn't have chips and we didn't have junk food

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Speaker 1: in the house. And I remember, like I remember those

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Speaker 1: treat cereals would be like a special evening. I could

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Speaker 1: have a treat cereal for dessert because like you can't

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Speaker 1: have like Cinnamento's crunch for breakfast, Like that would be

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Speaker 1: awful and like that's so bad for your body and

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Speaker 1: all that stuff. So that became a I think the

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Speaker 1: morality of food started. And that's that time too. And

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Speaker 1: then my journey with drugs and alcohol got really really,

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Speaker 1: really scary as I got a little bit older and

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Speaker 1: went off to college and sort of it became easy

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Speaker 1: and available, you know. I started at a young age

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Speaker 1: experimenting with it, and I always kept my grades up.

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Speaker 1: I always, you know, did with such a perfectionist and

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Speaker 1: everything I did and said. If I just had everything

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Speaker 1: with good on the outid, if I kept the straight a's,

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Speaker 1: if I kept the sports up, if I kept all

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Speaker 1: these things up, you know, community service and did all

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Speaker 1: these things that if I just tell the right behaviors

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Speaker 1: that I would be lovable and that somebody would love me,

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Speaker 1: or if I had a boyfriend, or and eventually all

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Speaker 1: those things will come you know, we'll come crashing down,

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Speaker 1: and the boyfriend will leave and the you know, test

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Speaker 1: will go bad, or I will eat you know, the

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Speaker 1: wrong food, and and so my story really took a

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Speaker 1: dark turn in my college years, and my idea of

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Speaker 1: what I thought my life was going to look like

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Speaker 1: really drastically changed from that of like, Okay, I'm going

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Speaker 1: to be success. I'm going to you know, do what

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Speaker 1: I'm supposed to do. I'm going to get the job,

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Speaker 1: and I'm going to make the money, and I'm going

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Speaker 1: to find a great husband, and I'm going to have

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Speaker 1: you know, the two kids or.

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Speaker 4: You know, what do they say, like the one point

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Speaker 4: five kids?

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Speaker 1: Two were five kids, and I want big events and

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Speaker 1: all those things. And it was just I was so

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Speaker 1: caught up in what I believed I needed to do,

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Speaker 1: and all along my journey, the one it's so hard

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Speaker 1: because it's like it's it's just so there's so much

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Speaker 1: that happens in our lives the one kind of repeating

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Speaker 1: thing was always Jesus. He was always there. I was

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Speaker 1: just never good enough for him. I was never there

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Speaker 1: was so much shame and guilt, there was so much fear,

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Speaker 1: and there was so much like I just was. I

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Speaker 1: just never felt worthy. And I did not understand the

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Speaker 1: real true love of Jesus, like I knew that he

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Speaker 1: loved me. I understood the cross, or so I thought,

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Speaker 1: you know, he died for my sins. But it was

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Speaker 1: always like I would go back to him with sort

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Speaker 1: of like a begging and a pleading and an apologizing

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Speaker 1: and I'm so sorry I failed you again, and a Lord,

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Speaker 1: please help me, and what am I doing wrong? And

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Speaker 1: and there were periods of time I think, you know,

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Speaker 1: there's so many periods of time where I hit such

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Speaker 1: dark places in my life where I know, without a

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Speaker 1: shadow of a doubt that it was that it was

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Speaker 1: God in those moments. And so after college, I my

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Speaker 1: life took a radical, drastic turn, and I knew. My

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Speaker 1: family intervened and we knew that I needed help, and

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Speaker 1: I went in to start my recovery. And by the

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Speaker 1: time I was twenty four, I had gone into too

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Speaker 1: in another two different rehabs and I got myself sober.

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Speaker 1: I shouldn't say gotten myself sober.

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Speaker 3: Because I that was by the grace of God.

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Speaker 1: But I had gone through programs, and I had fallen

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Speaker 1: on my knees and surrender on so many occasions. And

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Speaker 1: I think it was really, you know, in that point

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Speaker 1: that my relationship with with my Savior really deepened, where

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Speaker 1: I really started to understand how much he loved me,

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Speaker 1: and I started to look back on all the times

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Speaker 1: that he was there for me and some of those deepest,

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Speaker 1: darkest moments of such pain and such sadness, and when

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Speaker 1: I started to just sort of get back on my

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Speaker 1: feet and I felt like I almost had to start

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Speaker 1: my life over. It was like a whole new beginning

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Speaker 1: and I felt like a little girl again, just sort

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Speaker 1: of learning learning how to to live life. Like I

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Speaker 1: had no coping, I had no I had no way

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Speaker 1: to cope with any of the hardships in life. I

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Speaker 1: really didn't understand that it was okay to not be okay,

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Speaker 1: that it was okay to not feel okay at the time,

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Speaker 1: that it was okay to not be happy all the time.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know. I really thought that like life was

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Speaker 1: supposed to be this happy, comfortable thing all the time,

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Speaker 1: and if it wasn't, I was doing something wrong and

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Speaker 1: I had to fight it fix it. And so I

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Speaker 1: think in you know, my life, God brought in a wonderful,

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Speaker 1: wonderful man into my life who and gave me the

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Speaker 1: gift of two amazing, wonderful children.

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Speaker 3: And then I just.

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Speaker 1: Dove into marriage and motherhood and and that was incredible.

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Speaker 1: But around the time that my son was about to

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Speaker 1: be born, we went through about the first five years

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Speaker 1: of his life, like just the most extreme medical conditions

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Speaker 1: with him. He was premature, two months early, you know,

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Speaker 1: lived in the hospitals the first month of his life.

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Speaker 1: I was in our hospitals the first year his life,

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Speaker 1: diagnosed with all sorts of different issues with his kidneys,

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Speaker 1: had surgery at a year old, and you you know,

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Speaker 1: we got through it. God was so good during that time,

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Speaker 1: again deepening my faith, deepening my walk with him. And

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Speaker 1: then we sort of were like, okay, yeah, all right,

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Speaker 1: we're gonna move on down next stage. And about eighteen

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Speaker 1: months my son who was diagnosed with reno blastoma, which

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Speaker 1: is an extremely rare cancer of the eye. And at

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Speaker 1: that time that I feel like was really, like there

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Speaker 1: have been these points in my life where God really

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Speaker 1: had showed up in some really dark places, and that

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Speaker 1: was really one of them. But for the first time,

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Speaker 1: this was something that I didn't blame myself for, like

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Speaker 1: I didn't cause this. And I actually struggled with that

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Speaker 1: for a while, Like we went into genetic testing because

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Speaker 1: I thought my first thought was I did this. I didn't.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't even do this right for it. I couldn't

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Speaker 1: even bring a life into the world for you, Like

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Speaker 1: I must have eaten something wrong, I must have taken

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Speaker 1: like I didn't exercise. It was It's insane, the guilt

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Speaker 1: in me, you know. And again I'm going to use

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Speaker 1: this word, and this is only from the grace that

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Speaker 1: you've given me. How there is pride, Like I really,

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Speaker 1: even though most of my life was at a point

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Speaker 1: of feeling worthless and unlovable or not good enough, it

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Speaker 1: was still always about me. It was like I was

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Speaker 1: at the center of everything that was right or wrong

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Speaker 1: or good or bad or awful. And even when my

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Speaker 1: son had the cancer, it was like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: what did I do wrong? And I realized, wow, Like

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Speaker 1: God worked with me so much for me to understand,

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Speaker 1: like it wasn't genetics, it wasn't anything, it was just

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Speaker 1: it just happened. And we had many years of a

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Speaker 1: struggle with that. And God was good every part of

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Speaker 1: the way. He brought his grace and his like I

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Speaker 1: call him like God moments or God winks, where he

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Speaker 1: would just make himself so obvious, like the doctor would

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Speaker 1: just be in awe that like this seizure would work

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Speaker 1: or this would come. And that's I mean, I could

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Speaker 1: talk to you for hours about that a little. But

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Speaker 1: I bring that up because I feel like these were

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Speaker 1: all parts that God had to like start working and

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Speaker 1: softening my heart and pointing me back towards Him and

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Speaker 1: start sort of I had to start dying a little

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Speaker 1: bit to self through all these and I didn't even

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Speaker 1: realize that's what was happening. But there was something about

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Speaker 1: my life that was turning less about me and more

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Speaker 1: about Him. And I remember people saying to me, like,

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Speaker 1: how could you get through that? And I said, after

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Speaker 1: we got through it, and he's doing wonderful now, he's eleven,

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Speaker 1: he's great. He's been cancer free now since he was five.

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Speaker 1: Like it's such a blessing. But I look back and

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Speaker 1: I say I wouldn't change us saying about what happened

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Speaker 1: in my life with my alcoholism and drug addiction, with

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Speaker 1: my son and what we went through with him, because

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Speaker 1: it was in those extreme moments that I actually was

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Speaker 1: able to fall on my knees and say, I can't

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Speaker 1: do this. I am so I remember one night with

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Speaker 1: my son when we weren't sure if he was going

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Speaker 1: to make it, and I went outside under the stars

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Speaker 1: in the middle of the and I think it was

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Speaker 1: freezing out, and I had like a little nightgown on,

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Speaker 1: and I was just shaking, and I just remember falling

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Speaker 1: on my knees and saying, God, I cannot do this,

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Speaker 1: Like I don't know. My whole life has been about

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Speaker 1: me trying to figure out what's right and what's best

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Speaker 1: and how to do this and you know, what do

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Speaker 1: I have to do to make life work? And I

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Speaker 1: remember the piece that came over me in that moment,

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Speaker 1: just like I didn't know what was going to happen,

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Speaker 1: but I just knew that he was there.

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Speaker 3: He was there, and.

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Speaker 1: That was like, that was the shift. And so I

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00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:43,399
Speaker 1: think that really prepared me for down the road. You know,

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Speaker 1: in January, when after having my daughter. She's almost eight now,

378
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Speaker 1: so it was really like eight years for having my daughter.

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Speaker 1: I had gained a ton of weight, bigger than I'd

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Speaker 1: ever been, and I've kind of always been able to

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Speaker 1: manage it before that, even with Eddie being born early.

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Speaker 1: I think it spared me the two months of that

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Speaker 1: lat two months of waiting, so I never really got

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Speaker 1: to that. But I had no idea that my whole

385
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Speaker 1: life I had been dieting. My whole life, I had

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Speaker 1: been restricting or doing some form of a diet. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I did everything that was out there. I've tried everything,

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Speaker 1: but it was really in those last eight years I

389
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Speaker 1: would say that it became very drastic because all the

390
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Speaker 1: diets I had done didn't work. Yeah, they inevitably didn't work,

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Speaker 1: and I couldn't go back to that because well that

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Speaker 1: one didn't work. So it was like check check, and

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Speaker 1: I was running out of things to do. I was

394
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Speaker 1: just running out of everything, and so it really just

395
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Speaker 1: got to the point I had tried everything I knew

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Speaker 1: to do, to the point where I was just simply

397
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Speaker 1: not eating food anymore and still thinking I needed to

398
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Speaker 1: lose weight and wondering why I couldn't lose weight.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, let's pause there for a second. Tara. Now,

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Speaker 2: when you say you were trying not to eat food,

401
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Speaker 2: I mean, I know your story. We've worked together for

402
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Speaker 2: a while. Now, would you have caused yourself an anna

403
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Speaker 2: last January?

404
00:22:02,119 --> 00:22:06,040
Speaker 1: Oh God no, not a million years. Never and never.

405
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:09,240
Speaker 2: And now as you look back, with what you know

406
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Speaker 2: about eating disorders and disordered eating and your story, now,

407
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,879
Speaker 2: would you give yourself an eating disorder label?

408
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:20,720
Speaker 1: Now? Absolutely? And it feels good. It's just such a

409
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,720
Speaker 1: strange thing to say that. It actually feels good to

410
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:29,359
Speaker 1: be able to to say it without shame or guilt,

411
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:35,520
Speaker 1: to accept it, to not blame myself for it, and

412
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Speaker 1: to also understand what all those years, what was happening?

413
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Speaker 2: Because you thought it was normal, right, Oh.

414
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Speaker 1: My gosh, I thought it was so normal.

415
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Speaker 2: I didn't think you were doing anything different than any

416
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Speaker 2: other woman you knew, right, I mean.

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Speaker 1: Even when it first started, I actually thought that it

418
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,919
Speaker 1: was like I was like, I mean, I was so

419
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:05,240
Speaker 1: proud of myself, like my discipline. I was so like, yes,

420
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,800
Speaker 1: God must be smiling down on me, Like, look at

421
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:12,639
Speaker 1: all that weight I've lost, Look at the discipline of

422
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:17,639
Speaker 1: my exercise and my eating I had people praising me

423
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Speaker 1: all the time for it, which is of course, you know,

424
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:22,960
Speaker 1: I had, you know, the whole world. Everything I saw,

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00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:27,439
Speaker 1: everything I read, every person I spoke to, just further

426
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:32,399
Speaker 1: supported that belief that this was a good thing, this

427
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:38,760
Speaker 1: was a healthy thing. And and as I went further

428
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:42,439
Speaker 1: down that journey, it I really look back and I

429
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,800
Speaker 1: think there was never a time in those eight years

430
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Speaker 1: that I didn't think that I had to lose weight.

431
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Speaker 1: Even when you get to the goal weight, it was

432
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Speaker 1: maybe there's a little bit more, I could probably get

433
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Speaker 1: down more, you know there, And it was it was

434
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:05,480
Speaker 1: so much of these cleanses that I started getting on

435
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:10,320
Speaker 1: was for me. That started with a lot of like

436
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:16,439
Speaker 1: juice cleanses, detox like sugar detoxes. That really is what

437
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 1: started a lot. I mean I remember going back even

438
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,560
Speaker 1: my younger days and doing at one point I had

439
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:26,280
Speaker 1: done fourteen days or I think it was of like

440
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:28,199
Speaker 1: a the lemonade class.

441
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:29,879
Speaker 2: Yeah with the maple syrup.

442
00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:32,960
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, m a little bit of maple syrup.

443
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have to drink any ballons or whatever.

444
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:38,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, the two leaders of the salt water and then

445
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,880
Speaker 4: you can't leave your house for like hours, so I'd

446
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:43,239
Speaker 4: be up at four am before work to do that,

447
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,199
Speaker 4: and I, you know, fully I read the book.

448
00:24:47,359 --> 00:24:50,080
Speaker 1: I believed everything this was. I think, I think it

449
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:52,280
Speaker 1: was a doctor, and I thought he was a doctor.

450
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:55,359
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, so I believed it all these

451
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,359
Speaker 1: all these lenses. I did, all these juice cleanses. I

452
00:24:58,359 --> 00:25:00,640
Speaker 1: would spend hundreds of dollars on some of the ones,

453
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,199
Speaker 1: or I'd spend hundreds of dollars on organic produce to

454
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,520
Speaker 1: buy the ones for juice cleans for a week that

455
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:07,800
Speaker 1: you know was supposed to clean your body out and

456
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:13,520
Speaker 1: everybody needs this, and like, I would do that, and

457
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:17,400
Speaker 1: then I would restrict, restrict, restrict, restrict. I would eat

458
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,800
Speaker 1: such minimally, and then I would get to a point,

459
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:23,480
Speaker 1: whether it was a birthday party for my children or

460
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:26,520
Speaker 1: a family member or a wedding or whatever it was,

461
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:30,159
Speaker 1: and there'd be something there that was so enticing and

462
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:31,840
Speaker 1: I'd say, I'll just have a little bit, and the

463
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,680
Speaker 1: next thing I know, I am just out of control.

464
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:38,920
Speaker 1: And so over time, I truly started to believe that

465
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:43,000
Speaker 1: this was my addiction coming back. So for me, this

466
00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:46,160
Speaker 1: became synonymous with the addiction when I struggled with it

467
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,520
Speaker 1: in my youth with the alcohol dress. It's like here,

468
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:52,560
Speaker 1: it's just I'm an addict. I'm an addictive personality. Sugar

469
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:53,720
Speaker 1: is addictive, you know.

470
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,639
Speaker 3: I read articles that were.

471
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:58,960
Speaker 1: You know, showing you know about how the brain acts

472
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:03,160
Speaker 1: reacts the same way too, you know, a cookie as

473
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:06,560
Speaker 1: it does to you know, cocaine or heroine. And then

474
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:08,400
Speaker 1: it's like, well, they don't tell you, and I love,

475
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,360
Speaker 1: like like learning from you that it does the same

476
00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:14,040
Speaker 1: thing when you get a hug or when you know.

477
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:17,040
Speaker 1: There's just so much I've learned, and I could just

478
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:25,040
Speaker 1: it's just so overwhelming that in those moments I would

479
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:27,960
Speaker 1: have but my life on it if you had said,

480
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:29,600
Speaker 1: like I would have staked my life on it, that

481
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:32,679
Speaker 1: I was living in God's will, that I was doing

482
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,760
Speaker 1: what he wanted me to do, to do with my

483
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:40,080
Speaker 1: body for him to be healthy for him. And I

484
00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:46,159
Speaker 1: think at some point as my journey with my savior progressed,

485
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,280
Speaker 1: it sort of shifted what started off as just like

486
00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:51,639
Speaker 1: this health journey and sort of a little bit of

487
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,119
Speaker 1: a penance. I felt that I needed to sort of

488
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:56,400
Speaker 1: pay back for the abuse.

489
00:26:56,119 --> 00:26:57,880
Speaker 3: I'd put my body through when I was younger.

490
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:02,320
Speaker 1: So getting healthy was like you know you owe this.

491
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:04,560
Speaker 1: You owe this to God for the body he gave you.

492
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,560
Speaker 1: You have to get your body healthy. You abused it.

493
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:08,560
Speaker 1: There was a shame and a guilt and sort of

494
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,600
Speaker 1: this penance I felt I had to pay. But then

495
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:15,200
Speaker 1: as I got further along in this journey with Jesus,

496
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:19,040
Speaker 1: I started thinking, okay, well, God, Like I started doing

497
00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:24,760
Speaker 1: all those scriptures. Your body's a temple, you know your ah.

498
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:28,360
Speaker 1: I just took everything. I really and truly and honestly

499
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:33,320
Speaker 1: believed that my suffering I'm supposed to suffer with Christ.

500
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:36,919
Speaker 1: That my suffering was You're an addict. You want to

501
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 1: eat sugar. Shame on you. That's temptation. You need to

502
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:43,600
Speaker 1: fight it. You need to battle against these foods. You

503
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:45,840
Speaker 1: need to submit your body, you need to beat it

504
00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:50,159
Speaker 1: with exercise. All those things. Really felt like that was

505
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:52,360
Speaker 1: like my cross to bear. Like I would, I would

506
00:27:52,359 --> 00:27:53,960
Speaker 1: write in my journal about stuff like.

507
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:58,080
Speaker 2: That, to spell it out for someone listening at home,

508
00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:01,520
Speaker 2: who's maybe ever thought about this before. I think you're

509
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,200
Speaker 2: spot on. I don't think you're alone in the fact

510
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:08,560
Speaker 2: that many of us have been taught that our spiritual

511
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:15,040
Speaker 2: battle is the battle to keep our body a certain size, right, that. Yeah,

512
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,919
Speaker 2: temptation is what happens when you open the freezer, you know,

513
00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:25,520
Speaker 2: like you like be strong and courageous against oreos. Yes, yes,

514
00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:29,320
Speaker 2: it's an alternate religion, like that is not what the

515
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:34,239
Speaker 2: Christian faith is, right, we are tempted to sin, not

516
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:39,400
Speaker 2: to eat something that tastes good. And so you know,

517
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,320
Speaker 2: someone listening today's probably never thought about it like that before.

518
00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:46,520
Speaker 2: But I really appreciate you spelling that out, because we

519
00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:49,840
Speaker 2: need to start calling this out. Like, ladies, this is

520
00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:52,280
Speaker 2: not our biggest battle. Our biggest battle is not whether

521
00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:54,000
Speaker 2: or not we can wear the jeans we wore when

522
00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:57,280
Speaker 2: we were twenty five. Like, there's serious stuff going on

523
00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:01,240
Speaker 2: in the spiritual realm, and it's time that we stand

524
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:05,959
Speaker 2: up and see that God has made us overcomers and

525
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:08,320
Speaker 2: more than conquerors, not so that we can wear the

526
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:11,880
Speaker 2: size we want to wear. It's for something much greater, right,

527
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:14,960
Speaker 2: So I love that you shared all that. Now, So

528
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,040
Speaker 2: all of that was kind of like the context of

529
00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:22,280
Speaker 2: where you were coming from, right, and then you and

530
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:23,960
Speaker 2: I have a call. I don't know, it's probably like

531
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:27,680
Speaker 2: March or April of last year. How did that look like?

532
00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:32,360
Speaker 2: What what what started to happen as we started to

533
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:33,000
Speaker 2: work together.

534
00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:37,000
Speaker 1: When I finally when I found when I found you,

535
00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:41,160
Speaker 1: it was like I just knew, I knew. I was like,

536
00:29:41,360 --> 00:29:43,960
Speaker 1: I just God put it in my heart like this

537
00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:48,600
Speaker 1: was big, something was happening. I was definitely at a

538
00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:54,520
Speaker 1: place where it wasn't working anymore. There was God had

539
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:59,640
Speaker 1: stirred in my heart that I just kept thinking, like bored,

540
00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:03,040
Speaker 1: I need I'm not I need more strength. I need,

541
00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:05,200
Speaker 1: I need, I need more of your word. I need

542
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:07,960
Speaker 1: I need, you know, to dig in deeper. I need

543
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:14,000
Speaker 1: to do more. And then when you brought the concept

544
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:19,800
Speaker 1: of idolatry into this, it literally blew my mind. Oh

545
00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:22,840
Speaker 1: my gosh. It was so like, oh, it's such a gift.

546
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:25,800
Speaker 1: It's such a gift because I, like you had said,

547
00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:32,440
Speaker 1: I literally thought idolatry was the melted jewelry and the

548
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:34,720
Speaker 1: little like the golden calf, like you know when Noah

549
00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:38,880
Speaker 1: comes down Milt, Like I just I literally was like, yep,

550
00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:41,520
Speaker 1: check out that commandment. I'll set never have to worry

551
00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:44,800
Speaker 1: about that. And you know, I love God and I

552
00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:47,560
Speaker 1: want and I want to serve him, so of course

553
00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:51,520
Speaker 1: I don't idolize any And it was just incredible there

554
00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:55,520
Speaker 1: there is a brokenness to ourselves that we have to

555
00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:59,400
Speaker 1: I had to accept, Like I always thought that the

556
00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:02,400
Speaker 1: weakness was such a bad thing, you know, it's so

557
00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:06,640
Speaker 1: like shame. No, it was like you helped me to

558
00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:09,800
Speaker 1: see how we all have the sin inside of our hearts.

559
00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:12,320
Speaker 1: You know, we just come into this world with it,

560
00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:16,680
Speaker 1: and we have so much brokenness that we carry around

561
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:23,240
Speaker 1: and we are so easily led astray. You know, there's

562
00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:25,840
Speaker 1: a harsh world out there. There's a lot of deceit,

563
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:32,760
Speaker 1: there's a lot of lies. And when I understood that

564
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:38,240
Speaker 1: I was putting all of my worth and value into

565
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:42,480
Speaker 1: what my body looked like, like, it hit me so hard,

566
00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:44,800
Speaker 1: Like I didn't even realize that's what I was doing.

567
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:50,200
Speaker 1: I didn't really recognize that. I really believed that if

568
00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:52,880
Speaker 1: I didn't have this certain body type, that I had

569
00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:55,880
Speaker 1: no value, that I wasn't worthy of love, I wouldn't

570
00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 1: be good enough for my husband or my children, for

571
00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:04,600
Speaker 1: the people around me. Forgot to be a servant of his.

572
00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:11,000
Speaker 1: So when I started reading those books and realizing how

573
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,360
Speaker 1: deceived I was, I was like, I need help. I

574
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:15,760
Speaker 1: need so much help, Because that was like at that point,

575
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:18,000
Speaker 1: I was like I don't know what to do. I

576
00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:22,720
Speaker 1: literally had spent my whole life believing something and leading

577
00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:26,400
Speaker 1: up to a certain way and thinking I was walking

578
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:30,040
Speaker 1: in God's path for me, and all of a sudden

579
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:33,720
Speaker 1: that like shattered, and kind of at the same time

580
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:37,400
Speaker 1: I was doing that journey with you, I also started realizing, like,

581
00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:40,120
Speaker 1: something is wrong with the way that I'm eating. This

582
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:44,120
Speaker 1: isn't normal, Like God was showing me this is not okay.

583
00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:47,479
Speaker 1: But I didn't know what to do, like I just

584
00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:51,600
Speaker 1: I was. I was completely paralyzed, stuck. And at the

585
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:56,600
Speaker 1: same time, I was going through tremendous, tremendous physical issues.

586
00:32:56,720 --> 00:33:00,640
Speaker 1: I was having years of gipain. I had gone for

587
00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:04,840
Speaker 1: every type of procedure and endoscope and biopsies and they

588
00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:08,720
Speaker 1: you know, and literally ended up being sent homed with laxatives.

589
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 1: And that was sort of what came from that, which

590
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:13,479
Speaker 1: is the worst thing that could have, you know, at

591
00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:15,920
Speaker 1: the time. And then on the physical side, because I

592
00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:18,880
Speaker 1: was beating my body with exercise and fear of folding

593
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:22,960
Speaker 1: onto this, I was experiencing tremendous physical pain in all

594
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 1: sorts of areas. So at this point when I when

595
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:29,840
Speaker 1: I found you, I was trying to do this. I

596
00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:32,640
Speaker 1: had heard about the intuitive eating you would mention it was.

597
00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:35,680
Speaker 1: It was it was okay, this is great, this is wonderful.

598
00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,240
Speaker 1: But I didn't understand, and I brought it.

599
00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:39,120
Speaker 3: As another plan.

600
00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:41,520
Speaker 1: This is the plan I have to do, and I

601
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:44,000
Speaker 1: have to do it right and I have to do it.

602
00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:47,000
Speaker 1: And I tried to do it on my own, and

603
00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:51,040
Speaker 1: it got pretty scary and pretty messy. And that's when

604
00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:53,840
Speaker 1: I was, like, we senior podcasts and I heard about

605
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:57,800
Speaker 1: group coaching and the individual coaching, and I don't even

606
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:01,239
Speaker 1: I like, I think. I just emailed you and I

607
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:03,040
Speaker 1: was just I don't even know what I said. I

608
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:05,600
Speaker 1: probably babbled it makes sense, and I was just so

609
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:08,160
Speaker 1: overwhelmed and I just wanted to like drive to your

610
00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:09,799
Speaker 1: house and like knock on your arm and be like

611
00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:14,319
Speaker 1: help me. And I was so moved by everything that

612
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:16,520
Speaker 1: you shared and everything that you said had touched me

613
00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:19,200
Speaker 1: so much, and I had connected and I connected with

614
00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:21,719
Speaker 1: it so much. It was like it was like every

615
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:23,640
Speaker 1: time I heard you speak that you were sitting next

616
00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:25,560
Speaker 1: to me holding my hand and we were having like

617
00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:28,279
Speaker 1: coffee together, and for the first time, I don't know,

618
00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:31,839
Speaker 1: I just felt hopeful. I felt like but I still

619
00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:34,040
Speaker 1: wasn't ready. I still didn't know how to eat disorder.

620
00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:36,799
Speaker 1: That was so crazy, Like that took a while for

621
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:42,080
Speaker 1: me to really work with you and understand that.

622
00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:45,959
Speaker 2: I am a firm believer that until you figure out

623
00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:49,800
Speaker 2: I hate to say the word solve because that sounds

624
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:53,520
Speaker 2: so final, so like before and after picture, but until

625
00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:57,160
Speaker 2: you get a grip on the body image side of things,

626
00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:01,720
Speaker 2: the food side of things isn't safe, right, like you can't,

627
00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:03,759
Speaker 2: I mean, And that was how God was with me,

628
00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:05,719
Speaker 2: Like that was very gracious to work with me on

629
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:07,920
Speaker 2: body image stuff. And that's why there's some language and

630
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:12,080
Speaker 2: compared to who that talks about like diet stuff, because

631
00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:15,120
Speaker 2: God hadn't touched my food yet, like he couldn't have.

632
00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:19,200
Speaker 2: He had to start with helping me with my body

633
00:35:19,239 --> 00:35:22,799
Speaker 2: image and identity and him and and and make it

634
00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:26,640
Speaker 2: safe for my body to be a different size before

635
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:29,719
Speaker 2: he could ever talk to me about what I was

636
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:30,840
Speaker 2: doing with my food.

637
00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:37,200
Speaker 1: So the group coaching was just life changing, I mean

638
00:35:37,239 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 1: life changing. And I know that that was so, I mean,

639
00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:43,520
Speaker 1: that was God. I mean, I have I never felt

640
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,680
Speaker 1: God as much as I have felt him, and not

641
00:35:45,719 --> 00:35:48,759
Speaker 1: only with with what you gave me, and the resources

642
00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:51,239
Speaker 1: you you showed me, and the books that I read

643
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:55,160
Speaker 1: through you, and the scriptures that became like new to me.

644
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:57,400
Speaker 1: I saw them in a only way, the truth that

645
00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:00,360
Speaker 1: you opened my eyes to. And then the other the

646
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:02,719
Speaker 1: group of women that I have been connected with that

647
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:07,279
Speaker 1: I'm still on a daily basis. We literally hold each

648
00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:10,480
Speaker 1: other up daily with encouragement and love as we walk

649
00:36:10,520 --> 00:36:13,840
Speaker 1: through this life together and deal with you know, it

650
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:16,960
Speaker 1: started off as this journey with this body image and

651
00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:20,360
Speaker 1: it's just permeated every aspect of my life now because

652
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:24,160
Speaker 1: I realized how much that was really affecting every aspect

653
00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:26,920
Speaker 1: of my life. I mean, I was consumed by this.

654
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:35,000
Speaker 1: I walk in a freedom now that is so wow wow,

655
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,279
Speaker 1: I mean unfathomable, is really like all I can say,

656
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:41,120
Speaker 1: because I remember so many days just praying to God

657
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:45,080
Speaker 1: like I don't know how Lord, but I can't live

658
00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:49,239
Speaker 1: like this anymore. I am such a prisoner and that's

659
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:52,279
Speaker 1: really what it was it was like. And now the

660
00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:56,080
Speaker 1: freedom that I have, it's so different though, because I

661
00:36:56,120 --> 00:37:00,680
Speaker 1: used to think freedom was ease and comfort. It's not easy,

662
00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:03,359
Speaker 1: and you know, there are hard days still and I'm

663
00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:05,440
Speaker 1: still I still have to be visual and it's a

664
00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:10,680
Speaker 1: daily surrender. But I have this whole community now, from

665
00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:13,760
Speaker 1: you to these beautiful women I met in your group

666
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:17,279
Speaker 1: and then you connected me, you know, the you know

667
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:22,000
Speaker 1: with the intruive eating for Christian women and you know

668
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:26,040
Speaker 1: working with not I love non diet dietician, and like,

669
00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:28,440
Speaker 1: for the first time in my life, I feel like

670
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:31,600
Speaker 1: I have beautiful women and friendships in my life too

671
00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:37,160
Speaker 1: that are there's an acceptance and a love. Oh what

672
00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:40,920
Speaker 1: I still marvel at every day is through the process

673
00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:44,480
Speaker 1: of working with you to really, for the first time,

674
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:48,720
Speaker 1: I think, understand what it means to be to find

675
00:37:48,719 --> 00:37:52,720
Speaker 1: my identity and my love in Jesus and to seek

676
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:56,319
Speaker 1: Him first, to seek his presence. And the prayer that

677
00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:58,719
Speaker 1: I keep saying is more of Him and less of me.

678
00:37:59,880 --> 00:38:04,279
Speaker 1: And the more I focus on Him and the more

679
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:10,040
Speaker 1: I focus on what He can do through me. Even

680
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:12,840
Speaker 1: this morning, I was listening to a little Bible exerpt

681
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:15,200
Speaker 1: from First Peter and it was talking about how women,

682
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:18,960
Speaker 1: you know, you don't have to adorn yourselves and I remember,

683
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:21,719
Speaker 1: you know, reading that before and kind of missing the

684
00:38:21,719 --> 00:38:24,080
Speaker 1: point that it was, like, listen, it's not about what's

685
00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:26,400
Speaker 1: on the outside. You know when I know we hear that,

686
00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:28,480
Speaker 1: but it's like it's what's coming out of our hearts.

687
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:31,040
Speaker 1: But for the first time, I'm living that and I'm

688
00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:33,120
Speaker 1: feeling it so like the head and the heart have

689
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:37,000
Speaker 1: connected where that never ever ever happened before. It was

690
00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:41,359
Speaker 1: just like God, I know, I don't feel it. I

691
00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:43,400
Speaker 1: know it, but I don't feel it. It's coming together

692
00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:48,839
Speaker 1: and it's connecting. I just so desperately want to share

693
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:51,480
Speaker 1: this gift, like I'm so on fire with like the

694
00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:55,160
Speaker 1: I'm just so on fire inside because when I think

695
00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:58,200
Speaker 1: of how struggling and how much pain and how dark

696
00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:00,560
Speaker 1: it got had times towards the end and just falling

697
00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:03,040
Speaker 1: on my knees and crying and crying, and then God

698
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:05,960
Speaker 1: bringing me to that January day and where I am

699
00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:11,319
Speaker 1: now and that it's not always easy, but I can

700
00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:16,080
Speaker 1: be in a in a in a larger body. I

701
00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:18,920
Speaker 1: have people who even say to me, like what are

702
00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:22,000
Speaker 1: you doing? Like you you, like, how are you so peaceful?

703
00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:24,640
Speaker 1: Like the world's going crazy, Like what's going on with you?

704
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:29,360
Speaker 1: Like they just seem different, Yeah, because my heart's different. Yeah.

705
00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:32,560
Speaker 2: And that's a huge testimony too, right, you know, And

706
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:35,520
Speaker 2: it's it's I mean it's so good, and you know,

707
00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:37,000
Speaker 2: you showed it a little bit about this in the

708
00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:39,400
Speaker 2: beginning of your journey too, But I feel like that

709
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:41,920
Speaker 2: shame element is so real for so many people.

710
00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:42,239
Speaker 3: Right.

711
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:45,960
Speaker 2: We feel the shame and we want to cover the shame.

712
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:48,840
Speaker 2: We're desperate to cover the shame, and we try to

713
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:53,480
Speaker 2: cover the shame through getting our outsides so they look like, oh, well,

714
00:39:53,520 --> 00:39:55,960
Speaker 2: I don't have anything to be ashamed of, Like there's

715
00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:59,759
Speaker 2: no shame here. Get my body, you look at my size, right,

716
00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:05,200
Speaker 2: And I think what you've discovered is, you know that pride,

717
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:10,040
Speaker 2: the body, pride, the trying to fix everything ourselves is

718
00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:13,439
Speaker 2: a form of pride, you know, even with what got

719
00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:17,400
Speaker 2: taught you through your son's cancer, like you were not

720
00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:23,239
Speaker 2: in control, and surrendering that to Jesus is what actually

721
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:27,480
Speaker 2: covers the shame in a way that's so much more

722
00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:31,880
Speaker 2: filling and so much more beautiful than any of our efforts.

723
00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:34,520
Speaker 2: And then like that's really where the freedom is is

724
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:37,239
Speaker 2: having that shame covered, like you don't have to be

725
00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:42,239
Speaker 2: ashamed anymore of whatever size you're wearing. Yeah, as you know,

726
00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:45,400
Speaker 2: you know, the futility and trying to cover the shame

727
00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:47,320
Speaker 2: with oh, I'm going to just go on another plan

728
00:40:47,480 --> 00:40:49,239
Speaker 2: and try to get the body out. You know that

729
00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:54,040
Speaker 2: doesn't work. So but Tara, when you signed up, okay,

730
00:40:54,280 --> 00:40:57,440
Speaker 2: like I just for someone who's like considering either doing

731
00:40:57,520 --> 00:41:01,080
Speaker 2: group coaching next year or or you know, ready to

732
00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:03,800
Speaker 2: sign up for individual coaching, Like, were you a little

733
00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:04,919
Speaker 2: nervous it wasn't gonna work?

734
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:10,920
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh. I was absolutely terrified.

735
00:41:10,920 --> 00:41:13,560
Speaker 1: And to be honest, when I first started signing up,

736
00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:16,680
Speaker 1: I was really hoping that you were going to tell

737
00:41:16,719 --> 00:41:19,760
Speaker 1: me how to eat. I was like, Okay, so maybe

738
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:24,200
Speaker 1: part of this body thing will be we'll talk about

739
00:41:24,239 --> 00:41:30,120
Speaker 1: the heart stuff and I will, you know, learn to

740
00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:34,359
Speaker 1: connect deeper with Jesus and learn my value through him.

741
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:40,880
Speaker 1: And then Heather's going to help me figure out like

742
00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:46,120
Speaker 1: what my new like plans going to look like in

743
00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:48,319
Speaker 1: my life, Like what the new like it really like?

744
00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:52,440
Speaker 1: It was so ingrained in me, and then I quickly

745
00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:55,719
Speaker 1: realized that that was not how it works. And there

746
00:41:55,800 --> 00:42:00,520
Speaker 1: is definitely like who the rollercoaster of emotions are on believable,

747
00:42:01,239 --> 00:42:05,120
Speaker 1: there's definitely. And I love how wonderful you were with

748
00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:07,799
Speaker 1: us through this process of grieving, Like there's just a

749
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:10,720
Speaker 1: lot of grieving. There's a gleaming period. There's a grieving

750
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:13,360
Speaker 1: of like what I thought I was my life was

751
00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:14,759
Speaker 1: going to look like what I thought I was going

752
00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:21,600
Speaker 1: to look like. There's a feeling of just like powerlessness

753
00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:24,640
Speaker 1: and confusion and like I've followed my whole life. I've

754
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:27,279
Speaker 1: I've like planned this and that, and now what's like, wait,

755
00:42:27,600 --> 00:42:30,520
Speaker 1: I have to listen to myself and like I you know,

756
00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:35,280
Speaker 1: surrender and pray. I mean, it's really challenging because it's

757
00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:40,839
Speaker 1: so opposite of everything that I'd ever done. And that's

758
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:44,440
Speaker 1: exactly why it worked. That's exactly why it works because

759
00:42:44,480 --> 00:42:47,640
Speaker 1: it wasn't the world's way, it wasn't my way. It

760
00:42:47,680 --> 00:42:52,640
Speaker 1: was God's way. It's what his path was, and I

761
00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:55,400
Speaker 1: just couldn't do it on my own because it's like,

762
00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:57,680
Speaker 1: you know, the definition of standing doing the same thing

763
00:42:57,680 --> 00:43:01,759
Speaker 1: overder giving it over and I'm getting different self or

764
00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:05,480
Speaker 1: like I can't fix I can't help work through some

765
00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:07,799
Speaker 1: of these things with the same mind that's creating them.

766
00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:10,520
Speaker 1: So it was like I just needed to like have

767
00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:13,480
Speaker 1: those wow moments that God gave me through you and

768
00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:14,680
Speaker 1: through the process.

769
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:17,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, what about when you first met the girls. You

770
00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:19,399
Speaker 2: call them the girls, so I'll call them the girls.

771
00:43:19,400 --> 00:43:24,759
Speaker 2: They're all women. But what, like, how is that the

772
00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:27,720
Speaker 2: first because the first group, I mean even your group,

773
00:43:28,160 --> 00:43:30,520
Speaker 2: like you're so tight now some of you actually got

774
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:33,760
Speaker 2: together in person and you live like in various parts

775
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:37,600
Speaker 2: of the middle of the country and east coast, But like,

776
00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:39,759
Speaker 2: what was it like the first week, Raven two weeks

777
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:42,040
Speaker 2: you're kind of like, oh, I don't you know?

778
00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:45,600
Speaker 1: I was that like, oh my, To be honest, I

779
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:46,760
Speaker 1: was actually okay.

780
00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:50,239
Speaker 3: So obviously I'm terrified, like terrified of what are they

781
00:43:50,239 --> 00:43:50,480
Speaker 3: going to.

782
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:52,880
Speaker 1: Think I look like? And I was also like so

783
00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:55,560
Speaker 1: upset this is and this is what's crazy, Like they

784
00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:57,279
Speaker 1: didn't they don't get they didn't get to see me

785
00:43:57,360 --> 00:43:59,439
Speaker 1: in my cute little body. They're only going to see

786
00:43:59,440 --> 00:44:02,840
Speaker 1: me in my big body. And I remember thinking like

787
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:05,200
Speaker 1: like like they're not going to like me as like

788
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:08,319
Speaker 1: it's that's how crazy, That's how ingrained that mentality was.

789
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:10,520
Speaker 1: But I remember being nervous of what they would think,

790
00:44:10,560 --> 00:44:12,200
Speaker 1: because you know, we're on zoom and we can see

791
00:44:12,239 --> 00:44:15,080
Speaker 1: each other, whatevers of what they would think I would

792
00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:19,160
Speaker 1: look like, nervous of how like they would relate like,

793
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:22,560
Speaker 1: am I going to be crazy? Like? Are they am? I? Like? Way?

794
00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:24,600
Speaker 1: Am I? Like? Am I the worst case ever? Like

795
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:27,080
Speaker 1: I'm crazy, I'm severe, I'm out there. No one can

796
00:44:27,120 --> 00:44:28,880
Speaker 1: be this bad, you know, because that's sometimes what we

797
00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:32,560
Speaker 1: think with the thoughts that we have. And I remember

798
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:34,600
Speaker 1: the first call, feeling so nervous and.

799
00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:35,920
Speaker 3: Everybody was kind of quiet.

800
00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:38,920
Speaker 1: And when I get nervous, I talk. I talk. I

801
00:44:38,920 --> 00:44:41,279
Speaker 1: talk a lot, but I do, and I feel like

802
00:44:41,320 --> 00:44:43,600
Speaker 1: I probably I remember I think even after the first call,

803
00:44:43,680 --> 00:44:45,560
Speaker 1: I think I might have even emailed you and said,

804
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:47,800
Speaker 1: oh gosh, I'm like so embarrassed. I feel like I

805
00:44:47,800 --> 00:44:49,440
Speaker 1: said all the wrong things. I feel like all the

806
00:44:49,480 --> 00:44:52,440
Speaker 1: right and you're like, and you even said something comforting.

807
00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:55,560
Speaker 1: You're like, yep, that's what happens after that. That's that

808
00:44:55,719 --> 00:44:58,680
Speaker 1: sort of like we go back into ourselves and were

809
00:44:58,719 --> 00:45:01,640
Speaker 1: saying go and then it's like, oh wait a minute,

810
00:45:01,719 --> 00:45:05,719
Speaker 1: this is not about me, right, And it was so

811
00:45:07,920 --> 00:45:10,919
Speaker 1: it was so wonderful though, because what I did take

812
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:17,399
Speaker 1: away from it was that we instantly we're all like, oh, yes,

813
00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:21,280
Speaker 1: we are all in this together. We are all feeling

814
00:45:21,320 --> 00:45:23,520
Speaker 1: these things, we are all thinking these things. We had

815
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:26,759
Speaker 1: There was like this feeling of a shared brain, which

816
00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:31,680
Speaker 1: was such a comfort. Like our experiences may have different

817
00:45:31,719 --> 00:45:34,680
Speaker 1: nuances to it, but the feelings and the thoughts that

818
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:37,919
Speaker 1: are center around these this body image and the shame

819
00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:42,600
Speaker 1: was so so so similar. And that's where that bond

820
00:45:42,760 --> 00:45:48,279
Speaker 1: came in. We were all experiencing it to together. And

821
00:45:48,360 --> 00:45:50,440
Speaker 1: there's such a gift in that it's such a grace

822
00:45:50,480 --> 00:45:54,880
Speaker 1: amount that there's there's nothing we feel that we can't

823
00:45:54,920 --> 00:46:00,120
Speaker 1: share about what we're we're thinking or feeling because we

824
00:46:00,239 --> 00:46:02,440
Speaker 1: have come to realize that we have all either been

825
00:46:02,480 --> 00:46:08,200
Speaker 1: there or going through it or I cannot imagine how

826
00:46:08,239 --> 00:46:10,760
Speaker 1: I could still live in the bondage and the prison

827
00:46:10,840 --> 00:46:13,839
Speaker 1: that I was living in. It was so hard. And

828
00:46:13,880 --> 00:46:19,040
Speaker 1: the freedom that I gained in other areas of my life,

829
00:46:19,120 --> 00:46:21,400
Speaker 1: like the fact that I can even eat food with

830
00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:26,279
Speaker 1: enjoyment now it's not a gift, but the friendships that need,

831
00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:29,600
Speaker 1: the women I get to talk to, and the way

832
00:46:29,640 --> 00:46:34,400
Speaker 1: that it's just filtrated into my life with my children

833
00:46:34,440 --> 00:46:39,480
Speaker 1: and my husband, my family. I am just so grateful

834
00:46:39,520 --> 00:46:45,120
Speaker 1: that God did not let my fear or my you know, embarrassment,

835
00:46:45,239 --> 00:46:48,160
Speaker 1: or whatever the million voices in my head that always

836
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:53,120
Speaker 1: the better of me that I did not listen to them,

837
00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:55,279
Speaker 1: and I just listened to the gut that said just

838
00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:58,439
Speaker 1: do something different. Email Heather, just do it, just put

839
00:46:58,480 --> 00:47:01,360
Speaker 1: it out there, and it's care of the rest. I really,

840
00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:03,280
Speaker 1: he just really took care of the rest. Every step,

841
00:47:03,560 --> 00:47:06,200
Speaker 1: every step along the way, he is taking care of

842
00:47:06,239 --> 00:47:06,600
Speaker 1: the rest.

843
00:47:06,840 --> 00:47:09,520
Speaker 2: Hey, I hope you've enjoyed this replay of Terra's story.

844
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:12,400
Speaker 2: Like we said, Tara is now one of our coaches.

845
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:16,040
Speaker 2: So if you're looking for more support and encouragement on

846
00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:19,320
Speaker 2: your body image journey, reach out to Tara or I

847
00:47:19,719 --> 00:47:23,440
Speaker 2: through improvebody image dot com click the tab work with me.

848
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:26,240
Speaker 2: Also be starting a new forty day journey this summer.

849
00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:29,839
Speaker 2: It'll be in the afternoons for our international friends especially,

850
00:47:30,120 --> 00:47:32,640
Speaker 2: so you can make it this time, but we'd love

851
00:47:32,680 --> 00:47:34,279
Speaker 2: to have you join us for that. You can find

852
00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:37,120
Speaker 2: more information at improvedbody image dot com. Thanks for listening today.

853
00:47:37,400 --> 00:47:39,480
Speaker 2: I hope something to has helped you stop comparing and

854
00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:42,520
Speaker 2: start living. The Compared to You podcast is proud to

855
00:47:42,560 --> 00:47:44,480
Speaker 2: be probably of the Life Audio podcast Network. From more

856
00:47:44,520 --> 00:47:50,120
Speaker 2: great Christian podcast go to lifebudio dot com.