1 00:00:20,196 --> 00:00:23,236 Speaker 1: Hi friend, I'm so glad you're here today. Let's learn 2 00:00:23,276 --> 00:00:26,916 Speaker 1: how to raise our kids to love God, respect authority, 3 00:00:27,196 --> 00:00:31,036 Speaker 1: and do what's right. Let's scroll less and live more. 4 00:00:31,356 --> 00:00:38,316 Speaker 1: I'm Arlene Pelicane and this is the Happy Home. I 5 00:00:38,356 --> 00:00:41,956 Speaker 1: am so excited because so many people will ask like 6 00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:44,836 Speaker 1: I you know, I'm a step mom, I'm a step dad. 7 00:00:44,876 --> 00:00:46,836 Speaker 1: I need help. I wish there was more resources, So 8 00:00:46,876 --> 00:00:49,956 Speaker 1: I'm bringing you the best. She is known as the 9 00:00:50,076 --> 00:00:55,075 Speaker 1: Smart step Mom. My friend Laura Petherbridge. She is a speaker, author, 10 00:00:55,276 --> 00:00:58,076 Speaker 1: life coach. She has a new book called Step Families 11 00:00:58,116 --> 00:01:02,395 Speaker 1: of the Bible Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families. Laura, welcome 12 00:01:02,436 --> 00:01:03,436 Speaker 1: back to the Happy Home. 13 00:01:03,676 --> 00:01:06,596 Speaker 2: You thank you, thank you. I appreciate you so much. 14 00:01:07,356 --> 00:01:09,156 Speaker 1: And we are friends in real life, so it's very 15 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,756 Speaker 1: fun for us to be able to talk this way. 16 00:01:10,996 --> 00:01:11,276 Speaker 3: Now. 17 00:01:11,996 --> 00:01:14,756 Speaker 1: You shared with me that Barna has some new stats. 18 00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:19,916 Speaker 1: Fifty three percent of kids under eighteen live in a 19 00:01:19,996 --> 00:01:22,636 Speaker 1: complex family. Let's just start right there. Even the word 20 00:01:22,676 --> 00:01:25,476 Speaker 1: complex family help us? Are they talking about like step 21 00:01:25,515 --> 00:01:27,396 Speaker 1: families and blended families differently? 22 00:01:27,435 --> 00:01:27,715 Speaker 3: Now? 23 00:01:28,196 --> 00:01:29,515 Speaker 1: Kind of help us with the terms. 24 00:01:29,996 --> 00:01:32,636 Speaker 3: Well, those are two different questions, So let's say yeah, 25 00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:33,715 Speaker 3: unpack them all. 26 00:01:34,036 --> 00:01:34,676 Speaker 2: That's okay. 27 00:01:34,875 --> 00:01:42,435 Speaker 3: The Byner research defines complex families as single parents, so 28 00:01:42,715 --> 00:01:46,996 Speaker 3: a parent that is not married. Yeah, step families where 29 00:01:47,036 --> 00:01:52,395 Speaker 3: one or both people brought children into the home or. 30 00:01:54,716 --> 00:01:55,476 Speaker 2: Coparenting. 31 00:01:55,676 --> 00:01:58,596 Speaker 3: I'm sorry, my brain died there for a second. Kids 32 00:01:58,676 --> 00:02:03,316 Speaker 3: living in two homes, Yes, they may be married. One 33 00:02:03,356 --> 00:02:05,556 Speaker 3: home maybe a step family. The other home is not, 34 00:02:06,156 --> 00:02:10,395 Speaker 3: so the kids are flipping between two homes. So those 35 00:02:10,516 --> 00:02:14,996 Speaker 3: three categories are what they would call complex families. 36 00:02:15,036 --> 00:02:18,076 Speaker 1: And that's more than half fifty three percent of kids. 37 00:02:18,116 --> 00:02:21,316 Speaker 1: And then if you just look at gen Z, it 38 00:02:21,356 --> 00:02:26,196 Speaker 1: goes up all the way to seventy four percent, three 39 00:02:26,716 --> 00:02:30,956 Speaker 1: out of four gen Z kids. This is a lot 40 00:02:30,996 --> 00:02:34,596 Speaker 1: of kids. It is percent of the US saying that 41 00:02:34,636 --> 00:02:38,875 Speaker 1: they have some kind of step family relationship. Yes, can 42 00:02:38,916 --> 00:02:41,676 Speaker 1: I use step family and blended family? That was the 43 00:02:41,716 --> 00:02:43,036 Speaker 1: other So that's the other question. 44 00:02:43,316 --> 00:02:46,115 Speaker 3: That was another question because it depends on who you 45 00:02:46,316 --> 00:02:49,556 Speaker 3: ask which phrase, because I get this question a lot. Yeah, 46 00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:54,356 Speaker 3: step families, almost everybody knows what that means. Blended families, however, 47 00:02:54,555 --> 00:02:55,995 Speaker 3: can be used in a. 48 00:02:55,956 --> 00:02:57,356 Speaker 2: Couple of different scenarios. 49 00:02:57,476 --> 00:03:00,476 Speaker 3: So it could be a step family, it could be 50 00:03:00,596 --> 00:03:04,956 Speaker 3: a family that has both biological children and adopted children 51 00:03:05,156 --> 00:03:10,156 Speaker 3: or foster children, yes, or a blended family could mean 52 00:03:10,555 --> 00:03:16,516 Speaker 3: racially blended, so that phrase gets a little bit more 53 00:03:16,555 --> 00:03:20,236 Speaker 3: complicated as to what they mean when they use that. 54 00:03:20,996 --> 00:03:24,395 Speaker 1: Yeah, let you One thing that you had talked about 55 00:03:24,636 --> 00:03:27,476 Speaker 1: was on that there are these different families, right, different 56 00:03:27,516 --> 00:03:30,876 Speaker 1: types of families that have different types of needs. And 57 00:03:31,156 --> 00:03:33,796 Speaker 1: one of the things that you were noticing on social 58 00:03:33,835 --> 00:03:38,315 Speaker 1: media was that the step family was kind of being 59 00:03:38,396 --> 00:03:42,236 Speaker 1: shown exactly the same as a biological family, you know, 60 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,276 Speaker 1: kind of like the phrase, we don't use the word 61 00:03:44,276 --> 00:03:48,036 Speaker 1: step in this family, which sounds awesome in theory, but 62 00:03:48,236 --> 00:03:50,556 Speaker 1: in reality you were talking about wait a minute, like 63 00:03:50,676 --> 00:03:53,756 Speaker 1: there is a difference. Talk to us about those those 64 00:03:54,036 --> 00:03:57,636 Speaker 1: those unique challenges that we cannot afford to overlook. 65 00:03:58,076 --> 00:04:02,156 Speaker 3: Yes, even though I totally understand why a person yes 66 00:04:02,356 --> 00:04:04,916 Speaker 3: would say we don't use the word step in this house, 67 00:04:05,756 --> 00:04:09,956 Speaker 3: you know, because it sounds condescending. It sounds like you're 68 00:04:09,956 --> 00:04:14,076 Speaker 3: saying step is less than and so to use step 69 00:04:14,236 --> 00:04:20,075 Speaker 3: kids or step parent they are viewing that as an insult. 70 00:04:20,556 --> 00:04:22,636 Speaker 2: But the problem with that. 71 00:04:22,836 --> 00:04:28,356 Speaker 3: Is when you remove the phrase, you also remove the 72 00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:33,036 Speaker 3: idea that there are differences. And see this is in 73 00:04:33,116 --> 00:04:37,356 Speaker 3: particular in the church. You know, we try to pretend 74 00:04:37,476 --> 00:04:41,036 Speaker 3: that stepfamily and biological family are identical. 75 00:04:41,996 --> 00:04:44,596 Speaker 2: The problem with that is is that when we do. 76 00:04:44,556 --> 00:04:48,556 Speaker 3: Pre marriage counseling, or we do Sunday school classes, or 77 00:04:48,596 --> 00:04:52,716 Speaker 3: we do small groups, those two groups of people are 78 00:04:52,796 --> 00:04:56,876 Speaker 3: going to have completely different issues that they're dealing with. 79 00:04:57,716 --> 00:05:00,916 Speaker 3: And so therefore, if a step family or a pre 80 00:05:01,116 --> 00:05:04,955 Speaker 3: step family goes to a marriage class, let's say that 81 00:05:05,156 --> 00:05:09,436 Speaker 3: is only designed for first time marriages, or even a 82 00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:13,755 Speaker 3: single parent and a man or woman that's getting married 83 00:05:13,796 --> 00:05:17,916 Speaker 3: for the first time, they're missing huge pieces of what's 84 00:05:17,956 --> 00:05:23,076 Speaker 3: going to create a healthy union for that family. 85 00:05:23,916 --> 00:05:25,916 Speaker 1: And that's why I'm so glad that you and your 86 00:05:25,956 --> 00:05:30,195 Speaker 1: resources exist to help that. Before we get to some 87 00:05:30,315 --> 00:05:32,396 Speaker 1: advice that you would give to a stepmom if you 88 00:05:32,436 --> 00:05:34,956 Speaker 1: had coffee with her for five minutes, tell us about 89 00:05:34,996 --> 00:05:38,356 Speaker 1: your childhood. What was your experience in your family when 90 00:05:38,396 --> 00:05:38,996 Speaker 1: you were a kid. 91 00:05:39,436 --> 00:05:42,516 Speaker 3: Yes, well, my parents divorced when I was eight years old, 92 00:05:43,236 --> 00:05:46,035 Speaker 3: so I had two parents that were they were very young. 93 00:05:46,436 --> 00:05:48,796 Speaker 3: They were first time. It was a first time marriage 94 00:05:48,836 --> 00:05:51,236 Speaker 3: for them. Because of course back then, you know, they 95 00:05:51,236 --> 00:05:53,955 Speaker 3: didn't really that was much more unlikely for it to 96 00:05:53,996 --> 00:05:57,356 Speaker 3: be a step family. They got divorced when I was 97 00:05:57,436 --> 00:06:00,876 Speaker 3: eight years old. They'd been married almost ten years, and 98 00:06:00,956 --> 00:06:03,436 Speaker 3: so it was myself and my younger brother, who was 99 00:06:03,476 --> 00:06:07,516 Speaker 3: five years younger than me. My dad then went on 100 00:06:07,636 --> 00:06:12,036 Speaker 3: to remarry two more times. So my dad, when he 101 00:06:12,195 --> 00:06:16,636 Speaker 3: died fifteen years ago, he had been married and divorced 102 00:06:16,796 --> 00:06:22,876 Speaker 3: three times. Then was in a relationship with what I 103 00:06:22,996 --> 00:06:26,676 Speaker 3: call my stepdad. They never were legally married, but he 104 00:06:26,836 --> 00:06:29,236 Speaker 3: was in my life from the time I was fifteen. 105 00:06:30,476 --> 00:06:34,516 Speaker 3: So basically I have had two step moms and one 106 00:06:34,636 --> 00:06:40,476 Speaker 3: step dad. Then as a adolescent slash adult, so I've 107 00:06:40,516 --> 00:06:43,035 Speaker 3: pretty much sat on every seat on the bus because 108 00:06:43,076 --> 00:06:45,796 Speaker 3: then I became a step mom to two boys. 109 00:06:46,276 --> 00:06:48,356 Speaker 1: Before I want to stop here, before we get to 110 00:06:48,396 --> 00:06:51,556 Speaker 1: you being a step mom when you were that child, right, 111 00:06:51,996 --> 00:06:57,636 Speaker 1: get used to this quote unquote new dad, What would 112 00:06:57,676 --> 00:07:00,276 Speaker 1: you have told yourself? What would adult Laura have said 113 00:07:00,356 --> 00:07:02,075 Speaker 1: to little Laura to help her? 114 00:07:03,116 --> 00:07:06,556 Speaker 3: Well, the adjustment to the stepdad was pretty much a breeze. 115 00:07:07,436 --> 00:07:11,316 Speaker 3: He was very easy to add into my life. He 116 00:07:11,636 --> 00:07:16,316 Speaker 3: actually was a benefit. You'll see this a lot. Yeah, 117 00:07:16,836 --> 00:07:21,156 Speaker 3: kids embraced their stepdad fairly easily, unless he comes in 118 00:07:21,196 --> 00:07:23,836 Speaker 3: and tries to be a dictator or you know, I'm 119 00:07:23,876 --> 00:07:27,916 Speaker 3: the new sheriff in town. Stepkids are usually and there's 120 00:07:27,956 --> 00:07:30,796 Speaker 3: lots of reasons for that. That would be a whole show. 121 00:07:30,996 --> 00:07:34,076 Speaker 3: But a step mom is a whole different people. 122 00:07:34,476 --> 00:07:37,076 Speaker 1: That's interesting, whole different picture. 123 00:07:37,676 --> 00:07:41,356 Speaker 3: And just like for my circumstance, it felt like when 124 00:07:41,436 --> 00:07:44,716 Speaker 3: my dad got remarried and I got a step mom. 125 00:07:45,436 --> 00:07:50,476 Speaker 3: Number one, he adopted her children from her first marriage, 126 00:07:51,116 --> 00:07:55,316 Speaker 3: so they became his true children legally and took on 127 00:07:55,436 --> 00:08:00,716 Speaker 3: his last name. Then they had a child together, and 128 00:08:00,836 --> 00:08:05,676 Speaker 3: see each one of those steps for little Laura and 129 00:08:05,756 --> 00:08:10,756 Speaker 3: my brother pushed us further out of the circle. So 130 00:08:10,796 --> 00:08:13,516 Speaker 3: it felt like my dad had a whole new family. 131 00:08:14,236 --> 00:08:18,196 Speaker 3: They got my dad, I got him on the weekends. 132 00:08:18,636 --> 00:08:22,996 Speaker 3: They got him twenty four to seven. So that is 133 00:08:23,076 --> 00:08:27,876 Speaker 3: where when we see kids become resentful or hurt, and 134 00:08:27,956 --> 00:08:30,476 Speaker 3: the step parent and even the parents like, well, why 135 00:08:30,516 --> 00:08:33,396 Speaker 3: are they different? Why can't they embrace all this? Why 136 00:08:33,396 --> 00:08:36,555 Speaker 3: don't they love everybody? Why are they being a brat? 137 00:08:36,876 --> 00:08:41,596 Speaker 3: It is because they now feel outside the circle and 138 00:08:41,716 --> 00:08:46,156 Speaker 3: they feel you got my parent and I've got kicked out. 139 00:08:46,836 --> 00:08:49,476 Speaker 3: And see you're not saying that as a kid, it's 140 00:08:49,516 --> 00:08:51,316 Speaker 3: all going on up here. Yes. 141 00:08:52,556 --> 00:08:55,996 Speaker 1: Is it helpful for kids to be able to articulate that? 142 00:08:57,356 --> 00:08:57,636 Speaker 3: Yes? 143 00:08:58,036 --> 00:08:58,516 Speaker 2: I think. 144 00:08:58,636 --> 00:09:01,676 Speaker 3: You know, again, there was nothing available for that when 145 00:09:01,716 --> 00:09:07,396 Speaker 3: I can, but I do meet therapists, counselors. 146 00:09:06,876 --> 00:09:07,756 Speaker 2: You know, people like that. 147 00:09:07,876 --> 00:09:10,916 Speaker 3: I try to encourage them to become educated on this 148 00:09:11,956 --> 00:09:14,316 Speaker 3: because I think if I would have been able to 149 00:09:14,396 --> 00:09:19,035 Speaker 3: say to my dad, hey, could we possibly have lunch 150 00:09:19,676 --> 00:09:23,636 Speaker 3: just you and I, even at like twelve, fourteen, sixteen? Yeah, 151 00:09:24,236 --> 00:09:26,956 Speaker 3: could my brother and I just have someone on one 152 00:09:27,036 --> 00:09:29,996 Speaker 3: time with you? Now, I don't think my stepmother would 153 00:09:29,996 --> 00:09:33,556 Speaker 3: have liked that. Even though she wasn't a bad person. 154 00:09:33,716 --> 00:09:38,676 Speaker 3: She was nice to me, but she definitely wanted us 155 00:09:38,956 --> 00:09:45,516 Speaker 3: to hurt children, to be in that biological circle, and 156 00:09:45,596 --> 00:09:48,156 Speaker 3: so I don't think she would have liked that. There 157 00:09:48,156 --> 00:09:51,236 Speaker 3: were different things that occurred that now as an adult 158 00:09:51,276 --> 00:09:54,436 Speaker 3: looking back, I think she wanted it all to be 159 00:09:54,596 --> 00:09:58,116 Speaker 3: everybody in one room. But if I would have been 160 00:09:58,156 --> 00:10:00,636 Speaker 3: able to say that to my dad now, that would. 161 00:10:00,396 --> 00:10:01,596 Speaker 2: Have put him in the middle. 162 00:10:02,236 --> 00:10:06,676 Speaker 3: Yes, So I don't wish that for him, but I 163 00:10:06,716 --> 00:10:08,356 Speaker 3: think it would have made it easier. 164 00:10:08,596 --> 00:10:08,836 Speaker 2: Yeah. 165 00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:11,516 Speaker 1: So what I'm hearing is, if you are that dad, 166 00:10:11,996 --> 00:10:16,596 Speaker 1: who has your kids two weekends in the month, spend 167 00:10:16,676 --> 00:10:19,516 Speaker 1: an hour with them that it's just you and the kids, 168 00:10:20,196 --> 00:10:24,476 Speaker 1: over pancakes, over coffee, taking a walk. Just spend that time. 169 00:10:24,516 --> 00:10:28,036 Speaker 1: And if you are the step mom, let them, let 170 00:10:28,196 --> 00:10:30,356 Speaker 1: them have that time exactly. 171 00:10:30,916 --> 00:10:35,236 Speaker 3: That is, you could not have summarized that better. See 172 00:10:35,236 --> 00:10:38,476 Speaker 3: the kid is not looking for the new step family. Yeah, 173 00:10:38,556 --> 00:10:41,236 Speaker 3: they want their biological. 174 00:10:40,476 --> 00:10:42,636 Speaker 1: Want their parent. They're not thinking like how am I 175 00:10:42,636 --> 00:10:44,756 Speaker 1: going to blend into this family. I really want to 176 00:10:44,916 --> 00:10:46,436 Speaker 1: be a part of this family. They just like, I 177 00:10:46,596 --> 00:10:49,156 Speaker 1: miss my parent. I want time with my parent now. 178 00:10:49,156 --> 00:10:51,996 Speaker 3: The more time they spend with that other parent, yeah, 179 00:10:52,076 --> 00:10:55,796 Speaker 3: Like if it's not just weekends or if it's you know, 180 00:10:55,996 --> 00:11:00,316 Speaker 3: if it's today most states do fifty to fifty, then 181 00:11:00,476 --> 00:11:01,636 Speaker 3: it's a little different. 182 00:11:01,796 --> 00:11:03,116 Speaker 2: But if it's the dad. 183 00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:06,436 Speaker 3: See dad goes to work all day, then he comes 184 00:11:06,476 --> 00:11:10,196 Speaker 3: home late. So see stepkid is only spending time with 185 00:11:10,276 --> 00:11:17,796 Speaker 3: the step mom. They still want dad just dead. So 186 00:11:17,956 --> 00:11:21,396 Speaker 3: even if they could get an hour of just dad, 187 00:11:21,676 --> 00:11:23,036 Speaker 3: yeah that will help. 188 00:11:24,396 --> 00:11:27,996 Speaker 1: I see these t shirts just Dad, just like please 189 00:11:28,236 --> 00:11:30,076 Speaker 1: just skiff be Dad. Okay. 190 00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:32,596 Speaker 3: See, stepmoms will be mad at me for saying that 191 00:11:32,796 --> 00:11:33,236 Speaker 3: it's true. 192 00:11:33,236 --> 00:11:34,916 Speaker 1: To be like I'm doing I'm doing all the work 193 00:11:34,956 --> 00:11:36,396 Speaker 1: around here, and they want to be done with dad. 194 00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:40,236 Speaker 1: I don't get this. So let's say you're having someone 195 00:11:40,316 --> 00:11:43,996 Speaker 1: is a new stepmom. They've just married this wonderful man. 196 00:11:45,076 --> 00:11:47,476 Speaker 1: Maybe she always kids, maybe she does it of her own, 197 00:11:47,516 --> 00:11:49,316 Speaker 1: but she's married and now she's the new step mom. 198 00:11:49,356 --> 00:11:52,716 Speaker 1: You're having coffee together. She's asking you, Laura, I'm a 199 00:11:52,756 --> 00:11:55,676 Speaker 1: new step mom. How do I develop a relationship with 200 00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:57,996 Speaker 1: these kids? What do you tell her? 201 00:11:58,956 --> 00:12:01,156 Speaker 3: Well, first of all, I tell her it's probably more 202 00:12:01,196 --> 00:12:04,516 Speaker 3: complex than she thought it was going to be, because 203 00:12:04,556 --> 00:12:08,236 Speaker 3: that's the number one thing stepmoms have said to me for. 204 00:12:08,196 --> 00:12:09,196 Speaker 2: Over twenty years. 205 00:12:09,316 --> 00:12:09,836 Speaker 1: Yeah. 206 00:12:10,036 --> 00:12:12,676 Speaker 3: I just wanted to love on these kids. I just 207 00:12:12,756 --> 00:12:15,956 Speaker 3: wanted to come alongside my husband. I don't want to 208 00:12:15,956 --> 00:12:19,836 Speaker 3: be labeled as the wicked step mom. And and you 209 00:12:19,876 --> 00:12:23,116 Speaker 3: know what, they really liked me while we were just dating, 210 00:12:23,716 --> 00:12:26,276 Speaker 3: and then once we got married, all of a sudden, 211 00:12:26,316 --> 00:12:28,836 Speaker 3: they want nothing to do with me. They don't want 212 00:12:28,876 --> 00:12:31,116 Speaker 3: me to be in the room. They walk in the room, 213 00:12:31,116 --> 00:12:33,796 Speaker 3: they won't even say hello to me. Here I've made 214 00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:36,436 Speaker 3: them their favorite dinner and they're acting like I'm the 215 00:12:36,476 --> 00:12:42,796 Speaker 3: wicked witch. What happened. See the reality of the fact. 216 00:12:42,956 --> 00:12:48,596 Speaker 3: In their mind they lost their dad to the new relationship. 217 00:12:49,556 --> 00:12:52,516 Speaker 3: So the first thing I would tell her is get 218 00:12:52,836 --> 00:12:58,316 Speaker 3: educated on kids living in two homes. Learn that this 219 00:12:58,396 --> 00:13:02,596 Speaker 3: is not really about you. It has nothing to do 220 00:13:02,676 --> 00:13:07,236 Speaker 3: with you. You're going to have to become very, very strong 221 00:13:07,436 --> 00:13:14,196 Speaker 3: in your identity, first, your identity in Christ. Then your 222 00:13:14,316 --> 00:13:18,596 Speaker 3: identity is a spouse, and put your identity as a 223 00:13:18,596 --> 00:13:22,996 Speaker 3: step mom really low on the list, because that is 224 00:13:23,156 --> 00:13:27,636 Speaker 3: not your identity. Whether they love you, embrace you, want you, 225 00:13:28,436 --> 00:13:31,756 Speaker 3: that really has nothing to do with you, unless you're 226 00:13:31,796 --> 00:13:36,036 Speaker 3: being mean or cruel or distant to them. Yeah, so 227 00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:39,156 Speaker 3: that's the first thing. And your husband is going to 228 00:13:39,236 --> 00:13:42,076 Speaker 3: say to you, can't you just try harder? You're the 229 00:13:42,156 --> 00:13:43,716 Speaker 3: adult in this circumstance. 230 00:13:43,956 --> 00:13:45,236 Speaker 2: Can't you just do. 231 00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:48,796 Speaker 3: More to love them? Because the more someone rejects us, 232 00:13:48,916 --> 00:13:50,116 Speaker 3: or walks away. 233 00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:53,236 Speaker 2: From us, or is rude to us, the more we're. 234 00:13:53,036 --> 00:13:56,156 Speaker 3: Going to back up and go, whoa, whoa, why are 235 00:13:56,156 --> 00:13:57,076 Speaker 3: you talking. 236 00:13:56,756 --> 00:13:57,436 Speaker 2: To me like that? 237 00:13:57,956 --> 00:13:58,756 Speaker 1: I want to avoid you? 238 00:13:59,356 --> 00:14:04,076 Speaker 3: Yes, exactly, And so it's so crucial for her to 239 00:14:04,196 --> 00:14:07,596 Speaker 3: learn her role. So that's the second thing I wish. 240 00:14:07,676 --> 00:14:09,916 Speaker 1: What does she say to her husband. When her husband's like, 241 00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:11,116 Speaker 1: why don't you try harder? 242 00:14:11,516 --> 00:14:16,516 Speaker 3: Yes, well, see together. They probably didn't get any education 243 00:14:17,316 --> 00:14:21,076 Speaker 3: on what a step family is, how is step family forms, 244 00:14:21,356 --> 00:14:24,476 Speaker 3: why it's different, and so go back to the basics, 245 00:14:25,076 --> 00:14:28,716 Speaker 3: learn what it means to become a step family. And 246 00:14:28,796 --> 00:14:32,316 Speaker 3: if he will do that with her, this will be 247 00:14:32,676 --> 00:14:35,916 Speaker 3: much easier. If she's trying to do it alone, it's 248 00:14:35,956 --> 00:14:37,916 Speaker 3: going to be a much harder fight because she's going 249 00:14:37,956 --> 00:14:42,516 Speaker 3: to be fighting her spouse and the step kids. And 250 00:14:42,676 --> 00:14:45,796 Speaker 3: fortunately in the Smart Step Mom, we put two whole 251 00:14:45,876 --> 00:14:48,636 Speaker 3: chapters right in the middle of the book for both 252 00:14:48,676 --> 00:14:52,156 Speaker 3: of them. Yeah, and now this goes for step dance two. 253 00:14:52,796 --> 00:14:56,036 Speaker 3: It's just easier for step dance. Doesn't mean they don't 254 00:14:56,116 --> 00:15:00,876 Speaker 3: have any issues. It's just easier for stepdance. It still applies. 255 00:15:01,836 --> 00:15:05,876 Speaker 3: It's just a little bit different because kids give more grace. 256 00:15:07,716 --> 00:15:11,156 Speaker 1: There's that new like and it doesn't have to be new. 257 00:15:11,156 --> 00:15:13,276 Speaker 1: This could you could be five years in ten years, 258 00:15:13,276 --> 00:15:16,476 Speaker 1: that's thirteen years in and you have the relationship with 259 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:19,996 Speaker 1: your spouse to protect, you have your relationship with your 260 00:15:19,996 --> 00:15:23,196 Speaker 1: biological kids that you are tending to, and then you're 261 00:15:23,196 --> 00:15:26,196 Speaker 1: trying to build a bridge to these new kids when 262 00:15:26,396 --> 00:15:30,636 Speaker 1: that mom or dad is completely overwhelmed by that, or 263 00:15:30,836 --> 00:15:33,276 Speaker 1: kind of talk through what are the basics that they 264 00:15:33,276 --> 00:15:35,076 Speaker 1: could kind of think, Let me at least just get 265 00:15:35,076 --> 00:15:36,036 Speaker 1: these basics going. 266 00:15:37,476 --> 00:15:41,476 Speaker 3: Well, you're absolutely right, because the most complex circumstance is 267 00:15:41,596 --> 00:15:44,196 Speaker 3: when and we'll go back to the stepmom is when 268 00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:48,556 Speaker 3: she's brought children into this and now she sees her 269 00:15:48,676 --> 00:15:54,756 Speaker 3: children hurting because of this marriage, because of her husband's children. 270 00:15:55,156 --> 00:15:58,796 Speaker 3: And again they may have been getting along just Peache 271 00:15:58,836 --> 00:15:59,916 Speaker 3: before the wedding. 272 00:16:00,356 --> 00:16:04,356 Speaker 1: You're playing games, eating food like it's easy, Like yay, 273 00:16:04,396 --> 00:16:07,636 Speaker 1: we could play soccer together, and we pizza and watch movies. 274 00:16:07,916 --> 00:16:12,356 Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, this felt like a big slumber party before. Yeah. Yes. 275 00:16:14,076 --> 00:16:17,956 Speaker 3: Or the woman who adds the hours baby when she 276 00:16:18,196 --> 00:16:23,116 Speaker 3: sees the stef kids not embracing her baby or her children, 277 00:16:24,036 --> 00:16:27,516 Speaker 3: the mama bear claws are going to come out and 278 00:16:27,796 --> 00:16:30,956 Speaker 3: all of the things she's learned about being a stepmom 279 00:16:30,996 --> 00:16:34,396 Speaker 3: are going to fly out the window. And so as 280 00:16:34,396 --> 00:16:37,516 Speaker 3: you can see, Arlene, as we're walking talking through this 281 00:16:37,676 --> 00:16:43,356 Speaker 3: isn't this complex complex? You have so many facets to this, 282 00:16:43,596 --> 00:16:47,436 Speaker 3: you have so many pieces to this. This is why 283 00:16:47,476 --> 00:16:51,636 Speaker 3: it's crucial for the church to understand if you want 284 00:16:51,676 --> 00:16:55,516 Speaker 3: a minister to these couples and these families, you've got 285 00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:58,556 Speaker 3: to learn how to do it differently than you do 286 00:16:58,796 --> 00:17:02,876 Speaker 3: a first time family. So to answer your question, yeah, 287 00:17:03,276 --> 00:17:07,955 Speaker 3: education is the key and learning that this is not 288 00:17:08,316 --> 00:17:12,196 Speaker 3: about you, even though it feels like it's about you. 289 00:17:13,516 --> 00:17:18,515 Speaker 3: Learning what you can control, what you can't control, what. 290 00:17:19,156 --> 00:17:23,396 Speaker 3: Don't try to parent more than the parent. It's the 291 00:17:23,556 --> 00:17:26,235 Speaker 3: number two thing I say, or maybe we're on three 292 00:17:26,556 --> 00:17:31,156 Speaker 3: that I say to stepmom's step parents, you cannot parent 293 00:17:31,316 --> 00:17:36,076 Speaker 3: more than the parent. Again, stepmoms hate this because she's 294 00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:39,995 Speaker 3: with the child often more than the dad. So what 295 00:17:40,035 --> 00:17:41,955 Speaker 3: am I supposed to do? Just let the kid run 296 00:17:42,076 --> 00:17:45,396 Speaker 3: the house? If you and dad don't get on the 297 00:17:45,475 --> 00:17:50,076 Speaker 3: same page with the boundaries, the discipline, the rules, you're 298 00:17:50,116 --> 00:17:54,115 Speaker 3: going to have total turmoil because the kid is going 299 00:17:54,196 --> 00:17:55,596 Speaker 3: to say, my father. 300 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:56,436 Speaker 2: Let me do that. 301 00:17:56,715 --> 00:17:57,355 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay. 302 00:17:57,396 --> 00:17:59,995 Speaker 3: With my dad, I could be on my phone for 303 00:18:00,076 --> 00:18:03,436 Speaker 3: ten hours and he never said a word. Now you're 304 00:18:03,636 --> 00:18:05,836 Speaker 3: in the home and now I have to get off 305 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:11,316 Speaker 3: my phone. Oh no, that ain't happening. So you can 306 00:18:11,396 --> 00:18:13,515 Speaker 3: see the explosion that can come from this. 307 00:18:13,755 --> 00:18:16,876 Speaker 1: Yeah, So this is negotiation goes back to mom and dad, right, 308 00:18:16,955 --> 00:18:19,756 Speaker 1: husband and wife. We got to atiate about these things. 309 00:18:19,755 --> 00:18:21,436 Speaker 1: And you need to go talk to your kids because 310 00:18:21,436 --> 00:18:22,796 Speaker 1: I cannot live in this house. 311 00:18:23,235 --> 00:18:27,116 Speaker 3: Yes, and see, Dad's afraid he's going to lose his kids. Yeah, 312 00:18:27,156 --> 00:18:29,556 Speaker 3: and this is more and more popular today than it's 313 00:18:29,596 --> 00:18:33,235 Speaker 3: ever where the kids are. Like when I'm at mom's 314 00:18:33,275 --> 00:18:35,676 Speaker 3: house or when I'm at the other house, I get 315 00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:36,755 Speaker 3: to do what I want to do. 316 00:18:37,515 --> 00:18:38,275 Speaker 2: When I'm at. 317 00:18:38,116 --> 00:18:41,475 Speaker 3: Your house, there's boundaries and rules, and besides, you're telling 318 00:18:41,515 --> 00:18:43,436 Speaker 3: me about Jesus and I don't really want to hear 319 00:18:43,436 --> 00:18:45,516 Speaker 3: about that. And my other parent tells me I don't 320 00:18:45,556 --> 00:18:47,515 Speaker 3: have to hear about that, So you better shut up 321 00:18:47,515 --> 00:18:50,075 Speaker 3: about that because I'm not coming back if you don't. 322 00:18:51,556 --> 00:18:54,755 Speaker 1: Let's go there. Yeah, how do you share your faith 323 00:18:54,916 --> 00:18:57,475 Speaker 1: with these kids when maybe faith is not in the 324 00:18:57,515 --> 00:19:00,315 Speaker 1: other home. They are not resistant, you're not trying. You 325 00:19:00,316 --> 00:19:01,835 Speaker 1: don't want to shove it in their face, but you 326 00:19:01,916 --> 00:19:04,235 Speaker 1: do want to love them in Jesus' name. Give us 327 00:19:04,275 --> 00:19:05,235 Speaker 1: some approaches. 328 00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:08,795 Speaker 3: Yes, and see, this is where step families of the 329 00:19:08,836 --> 00:19:12,796 Speaker 3: Bible can really come in hand, because I have very 330 00:19:12,836 --> 00:19:16,595 Speaker 3: specific steps at the end of each chapter where I 331 00:19:16,715 --> 00:19:19,955 Speaker 3: talk about the things we have to overc and how 332 00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:24,916 Speaker 3: God helps these families to overcome. And many times these 333 00:19:24,916 --> 00:19:29,076 Speaker 3: step families in the Old Testament, one group is walking 334 00:19:29,156 --> 00:19:33,916 Speaker 3: with God, the godly people, the Israelites. The other family 335 00:19:34,116 --> 00:19:38,875 Speaker 3: maybe is not or they're not following godly principles. I 336 00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:41,555 Speaker 3: know this is a worn out phrase, but boy, it 337 00:19:41,636 --> 00:19:48,475 Speaker 3: applies here. More is caught than taught. And see if 338 00:19:48,636 --> 00:19:53,796 Speaker 3: your child or your stepchild views you as bad mouthing 339 00:19:54,076 --> 00:19:59,596 Speaker 3: or looking down on their other parent, especially in our 340 00:19:59,836 --> 00:20:04,676 Speaker 3: polarized culture we are living in. It's never been more 341 00:20:04,715 --> 00:20:10,275 Speaker 3: complicated than it is at this moment. Yes, because they're 342 00:20:10,396 --> 00:20:16,876 Speaker 3: viewing the Christian as judgmental, evil, wicked, terrible. You judge everybody. 343 00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:21,516 Speaker 3: You're not good, you're not nice. If the child views 344 00:20:22,116 --> 00:20:27,795 Speaker 3: stepparent or parent as looking down their nose at the 345 00:20:27,955 --> 00:20:34,196 Speaker 3: other home, either by word, deed, body language, or anything, 346 00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:39,876 Speaker 3: they are going to side with that other parent because 347 00:20:39,916 --> 00:20:44,636 Speaker 3: they view that under other parent as the underdog. I've 348 00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:48,556 Speaker 3: got to defend my mother in the other home. Now, 349 00:20:48,636 --> 00:20:53,676 Speaker 3: mother may be doing everything that is ungodly, she may 350 00:20:53,755 --> 00:20:57,196 Speaker 3: be living in a very bad lifestyle. 351 00:20:57,916 --> 00:20:58,916 Speaker 2: That won't matter. 352 00:21:00,076 --> 00:21:04,556 Speaker 3: That hardwired bond between a parent and a child where 353 00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:07,996 Speaker 3: the child feels, I've got to defend my mother. I've 354 00:21:08,035 --> 00:21:12,276 Speaker 3: got to protect my parent. This is even more so 355 00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:15,836 Speaker 3: for boys in their mom than even girls. But girls 356 00:21:15,836 --> 00:21:19,276 Speaker 3: will do it too. But you see it, if you 357 00:21:19,396 --> 00:21:24,356 Speaker 3: come across heavy handed Bible Bible Bible preaching, preaching preaching, 358 00:21:24,995 --> 00:21:30,876 Speaker 3: this child needs to see you live Christ. They don't 359 00:21:30,916 --> 00:21:34,196 Speaker 3: care what you know. They don't care about the Bible versus. 360 00:21:34,796 --> 00:21:38,916 Speaker 3: They want to see you be loving and christ Like 361 00:21:39,676 --> 00:21:43,916 Speaker 3: to the other parent. Even more so if that other 362 00:21:44,076 --> 00:21:49,116 Speaker 3: parent is unsaved. And as I said, it's more complex 363 00:21:49,156 --> 00:21:51,715 Speaker 3: today than ever. That other home may be in a 364 00:21:51,755 --> 00:21:56,516 Speaker 3: same sex relationship, they may be doing drugs, they may 365 00:21:56,556 --> 00:22:00,795 Speaker 3: be transgender, they may be pushing an agenda that you 366 00:22:01,156 --> 00:22:05,475 Speaker 3: do not feel comfortable with. And if you go at 367 00:22:05,515 --> 00:22:10,595 Speaker 3: that heavy handed or critical, you will lose that child. 368 00:22:11,755 --> 00:22:15,235 Speaker 1: It's really clothe yourself with humility, is what I am hearing. 369 00:22:15,275 --> 00:22:18,676 Speaker 1: That you are coming before God with sackloth and ashes. 370 00:22:18,715 --> 00:22:20,635 Speaker 1: You can pour out your heart before God. And then 371 00:22:20,676 --> 00:22:25,676 Speaker 1: you're just approaching everything parents, you're watching everything else with 372 00:22:25,796 --> 00:22:29,555 Speaker 1: humility that I Lord help and I'm I'm you know 373 00:22:29,676 --> 00:22:33,115 Speaker 1: just everything you're low. Yes, then you become the underdog 374 00:22:33,196 --> 00:22:34,876 Speaker 1: and you are the underdog. 375 00:22:35,235 --> 00:22:36,955 Speaker 3: They are watching everything. 376 00:22:37,076 --> 00:22:37,876 Speaker 2: They're watching. 377 00:22:37,955 --> 00:22:41,635 Speaker 3: How you treat that waitress that looks weird? Yea, in 378 00:22:41,676 --> 00:22:44,315 Speaker 3: your mind it looks weird or is maybe covered in 379 00:22:44,396 --> 00:22:46,436 Speaker 3: tattoos or piercing. 380 00:22:45,995 --> 00:22:46,796 Speaker 1: Whatever it is. 381 00:22:47,396 --> 00:22:51,475 Speaker 3: They're saying, my mother, my father says, they're a Christian. 382 00:22:52,035 --> 00:22:55,916 Speaker 3: How are they treating that person? Yes? Yeah, and so 383 00:22:56,196 --> 00:22:58,036 Speaker 3: this is what I mean when I say more. 384 00:22:57,955 --> 00:22:59,196 Speaker 2: Is caught than taught. 385 00:22:59,436 --> 00:23:02,075 Speaker 3: Yes, you don't have to be out handing money to 386 00:23:02,116 --> 00:23:03,035 Speaker 3: the homeless person. 387 00:23:03,955 --> 00:23:06,955 Speaker 2: I'm not saying that. Yeah, they're watching. 388 00:23:08,436 --> 00:23:12,355 Speaker 3: It's never been more crucial to be have the mind 389 00:23:12,396 --> 00:23:14,715 Speaker 3: of Christ than it is today. 390 00:23:15,676 --> 00:23:19,075 Speaker 1: Let's talk about jealousy because in the you know, as 391 00:23:19,076 --> 00:23:21,475 Speaker 1: you were talking about those complex families, it's like, oh 392 00:23:21,556 --> 00:23:24,396 Speaker 1: my goodness, this is Sarah and Hay guy like coming 393 00:23:24,475 --> 00:23:27,515 Speaker 1: in with Ishmael and Isaac. So really it's like these 394 00:23:27,556 --> 00:23:31,196 Speaker 1: first families had exactly these problems. So if you feel like, 395 00:23:31,235 --> 00:23:33,875 Speaker 1: oh my word, I'm in the step family, you know, 396 00:23:33,916 --> 00:23:36,436 Speaker 1: there are so many step families in the Bible that 397 00:23:36,475 --> 00:23:39,636 Speaker 1: are used so mightily by God. So what can we 398 00:23:39,755 --> 00:23:44,596 Speaker 1: learn about containing managing our jealousy from Sarah and Hagar. 399 00:23:45,316 --> 00:23:47,715 Speaker 3: Well, whenever I read Sarah and Hagar. And of course 400 00:23:47,715 --> 00:23:50,356 Speaker 3: I've been doing divorce recovery and step family for over 401 00:23:50,396 --> 00:23:53,916 Speaker 3: thirty years, so this is like my second brain is 402 00:23:54,156 --> 00:23:57,555 Speaker 3: always in that mode, and so when I read Sarah 403 00:23:57,596 --> 00:23:59,635 Speaker 3: and Hagar, I'm like, oh my gosh, this is a 404 00:23:59,715 --> 00:24:03,995 Speaker 3: reality TV show that could be on you know, TLC 405 00:24:04,156 --> 00:24:07,916 Speaker 3: or whatever. It could be a television show, reality TV 406 00:24:07,995 --> 00:24:10,955 Speaker 3: show for step families of what we're watching, because you 407 00:24:11,035 --> 00:24:14,156 Speaker 3: don't see any two women that hate each other more. 408 00:24:14,035 --> 00:24:14,715 Speaker 2: Than these two. 409 00:24:14,955 --> 00:24:19,436 Speaker 3: Yeah, these two women, the first wife the second wife. Again, 410 00:24:19,556 --> 00:24:23,196 Speaker 3: Heygar is a slave. I have heard some teachers say 411 00:24:23,235 --> 00:24:27,676 Speaker 3: that she seduced him and that I don't know what 412 00:24:27,796 --> 00:24:31,276 Speaker 3: Bible they're reading, but you know, she was a slave 413 00:24:31,836 --> 00:24:35,636 Speaker 3: and Sarah gave her to her husband because in that 414 00:24:35,955 --> 00:24:39,556 Speaker 3: culture you had to have children. Was a great embarrassment 415 00:24:39,596 --> 00:24:42,475 Speaker 3: not to have children, and in particular you had to 416 00:24:42,515 --> 00:24:45,876 Speaker 3: have a son. So even though God told them you're 417 00:24:45,916 --> 00:24:49,716 Speaker 3: going to have a baby boy, they just got impatient 418 00:24:49,755 --> 00:24:52,835 Speaker 3: with God. They ran ahead, and she said, well, maybe 419 00:24:52,876 --> 00:24:57,076 Speaker 3: this is what God meant. So she gives Hagar to him, 420 00:24:57,156 --> 00:25:00,995 Speaker 3: she gets pregnant, and now she's pregnant and we find 421 00:25:00,995 --> 00:25:03,556 Speaker 3: out it's going to be a boy, you know, when 422 00:25:03,556 --> 00:25:07,635 Speaker 3: he's born. And the minute she sees this woman's belly 423 00:25:07,676 --> 00:25:13,995 Speaker 3: start to grow, she hates her. I mean vicious, venomous. 424 00:25:14,316 --> 00:25:18,156 Speaker 2: I hate you. You have the thing I want? 425 00:25:18,515 --> 00:25:23,916 Speaker 3: Yes, I need it. And so this is so common 426 00:25:24,035 --> 00:25:27,676 Speaker 3: of step families today, in particular the two women, the 427 00:25:27,755 --> 00:25:28,636 Speaker 3: stepmom and. 428 00:25:28,636 --> 00:25:29,635 Speaker 2: The ex wife. 429 00:25:30,715 --> 00:25:34,316 Speaker 3: You do not see this kind of venom between dad 430 00:25:34,396 --> 00:25:39,396 Speaker 3: and stepdad nearly as often. I would say, at least 431 00:25:39,436 --> 00:25:41,635 Speaker 3: there's no stat to back this up, but I'm going 432 00:25:41,676 --> 00:25:44,315 Speaker 3: to say it after thirty years, I'd say at least 433 00:25:44,396 --> 00:25:46,036 Speaker 3: fifty percent less. 434 00:25:46,156 --> 00:25:50,396 Speaker 2: Yeah, if it's two men than two women, bad. 435 00:25:50,196 --> 00:25:53,555 Speaker 1: It's because we're so emotional, We're more emotionally wired or 436 00:25:53,636 --> 00:25:56,636 Speaker 1: more relationally like, how does it all? How do we 437 00:25:56,676 --> 00:25:59,716 Speaker 1: all fit together? My goodness, gracious? 438 00:25:59,715 --> 00:25:59,955 Speaker 3: Bad? 439 00:26:00,116 --> 00:26:01,595 Speaker 2: And the jealousy factor. 440 00:26:02,235 --> 00:26:06,956 Speaker 3: You don't hear a dad saying when stepdad comes in. 441 00:26:06,955 --> 00:26:08,636 Speaker 2: The door, or vice versa. 442 00:26:08,676 --> 00:26:11,035 Speaker 3: You don't say, look at his shorts, Look how short 443 00:26:11,116 --> 00:26:12,036 Speaker 3: his shorts are? 444 00:26:12,275 --> 00:26:13,755 Speaker 2: He looks ridiculous. 445 00:26:14,035 --> 00:26:17,275 Speaker 3: Where a mom and a stepmom are going to be? 446 00:26:17,515 --> 00:26:20,556 Speaker 3: Can you believe she went out in public looking like that? See, 447 00:26:20,556 --> 00:26:24,235 Speaker 3: we have this fierce competition with other women, what their 448 00:26:24,316 --> 00:26:27,115 Speaker 3: body looks like what their skin looks like, you know, 449 00:26:27,316 --> 00:26:28,755 Speaker 3: and especially like me. 450 00:26:28,876 --> 00:26:30,316 Speaker 2: I'm a childless stepmom. 451 00:26:30,876 --> 00:26:33,556 Speaker 3: If I wanted to have a baby with this man, 452 00:26:33,596 --> 00:26:36,916 Speaker 3: and maybe I can't, or maybe he's had a asectomy. 453 00:26:37,235 --> 00:26:39,235 Speaker 2: Boy, that's Sarah and. 454 00:26:39,116 --> 00:26:43,676 Speaker 3: Hagar the first wife gave him a baby and I 455 00:26:43,916 --> 00:26:47,516 Speaker 3: can't do that. And now I'm so jealous of her. 456 00:26:48,356 --> 00:26:52,396 Speaker 3: And our Christian mind knows this isn't good, but it's 457 00:26:52,596 --> 00:26:55,876 Speaker 3: so emotional it's hard for us to get past it. 458 00:26:57,156 --> 00:27:01,196 Speaker 1: Talk to that stepmom that is in that place of 459 00:27:01,636 --> 00:27:03,836 Speaker 1: maybe she couldn't have to or how did you, how 460 00:27:03,876 --> 00:27:06,436 Speaker 1: did the Lord speak to you? How did you come 461 00:27:06,475 --> 00:27:09,916 Speaker 1: to the point of being content about that? And in 462 00:27:09,955 --> 00:27:11,275 Speaker 1: that spot of it's not about me. 463 00:27:12,436 --> 00:27:16,316 Speaker 3: Well, I'm an unusual woman. I am different than most. 464 00:27:16,755 --> 00:27:20,035 Speaker 3: I knew from a young age this very common of 465 00:27:20,156 --> 00:27:23,956 Speaker 3: kids of divorce. You either want a lot of children 466 00:27:24,076 --> 00:27:27,796 Speaker 3: or you want no children. And so at about fourteen 467 00:27:27,876 --> 00:27:31,995 Speaker 3: years old, the wounding of my parents' divorce, how that 468 00:27:32,196 --> 00:27:35,156 Speaker 3: infested in my life is that I don't ever want 469 00:27:35,196 --> 00:27:38,276 Speaker 3: to have children. I don't want to bring a child 470 00:27:38,356 --> 00:27:42,396 Speaker 3: into a world where there's this much pain. So I 471 00:27:42,475 --> 00:27:46,595 Speaker 3: didn't have nearly that maternal and that many women have. 472 00:27:46,876 --> 00:27:49,916 Speaker 3: And this is a large reason why you're seeing less 473 00:27:49,995 --> 00:27:52,756 Speaker 3: people have children, in particular in America. 474 00:27:53,076 --> 00:27:54,876 Speaker 2: If you notice the childbirth. 475 00:27:54,475 --> 00:27:56,595 Speaker 1: Rate y low all over the world. 476 00:27:56,796 --> 00:28:00,436 Speaker 3: Yes, yes, yes, this is part of it childhood pain. 477 00:28:00,916 --> 00:28:05,676 Speaker 3: But also because I saw my dad ad an Hour's baby, 478 00:28:06,275 --> 00:28:09,155 Speaker 3: I did not want to do that to my stepsons. 479 00:28:09,636 --> 00:28:11,156 Speaker 2: So anybody who thinks. 480 00:28:10,876 --> 00:28:13,756 Speaker 3: That childless women do this because they're selfish or they 481 00:28:13,796 --> 00:28:16,515 Speaker 3: want it to be all about me, that was not 482 00:28:16,636 --> 00:28:21,356 Speaker 3: my motivator. I did not want want my two stepsons 483 00:28:21,356 --> 00:28:24,035 Speaker 3: to have to deal with an hour's baby. 484 00:28:24,076 --> 00:28:24,556 Speaker 1: Another one. 485 00:28:24,715 --> 00:28:27,796 Speaker 3: That doesn't mean I think every woman should think like that, right, 486 00:28:28,156 --> 00:28:31,715 Speaker 3: hear what I'm not saying. Yeah, that was what you decided, right, 487 00:28:33,035 --> 00:28:37,916 Speaker 3: But I was okay with not adding an Hour's baby. 488 00:28:38,476 --> 00:28:43,996 Speaker 3: And so for me, I didn't grieve like that. Oh 489 00:28:44,036 --> 00:28:47,316 Speaker 3: my gosh, I've never had a baby, but I have 490 00:28:47,476 --> 00:28:51,315 Speaker 3: tons of friends that have and stepmom friends that have. 491 00:28:51,716 --> 00:28:53,956 Speaker 3: I have a whole Facebook page just for that group, 492 00:28:54,836 --> 00:28:56,636 Speaker 3: and so it's hard. 493 00:28:56,996 --> 00:29:00,916 Speaker 1: It's hard, yeah, And I just am so grateful that 494 00:29:00,996 --> 00:29:03,836 Speaker 1: you you know, people can come to you, they can 495 00:29:03,916 --> 00:29:07,676 Speaker 1: listen to you, they can read everything you have, including 496 00:29:07,756 --> 00:29:10,315 Speaker 1: this new book that you have Step Families of the Bible, 497 00:29:10,396 --> 00:29:13,796 Speaker 1: because it helps us to deal with these things. You 498 00:29:13,876 --> 00:29:18,315 Speaker 1: have helped unravel the complex family. You do that to 499 00:29:18,356 --> 00:29:21,636 Speaker 1: shed light on it. Laura, can you just in closing 500 00:29:21,796 --> 00:29:24,196 Speaker 1: if there's anything you want to wrap up with as 501 00:29:24,236 --> 00:29:26,796 Speaker 1: a word of encouragement and let us know how we 502 00:29:26,836 --> 00:29:28,635 Speaker 1: can find out more about you and your book. 503 00:29:29,796 --> 00:29:32,756 Speaker 3: I'm hoping that Step Families of the Bible will help 504 00:29:32,836 --> 00:29:36,596 Speaker 3: both the church and the individual to understand that God 505 00:29:36,676 --> 00:29:41,116 Speaker 3: loves your family. He loves your step family. His whole 506 00:29:41,156 --> 00:29:44,756 Speaker 3: Old Testament is jam packed with them. Sometimes they were 507 00:29:44,756 --> 00:29:47,716 Speaker 3: good people, sometimes they were bad people, but it didn't 508 00:29:47,756 --> 00:29:49,076 Speaker 3: stop Him from loving them. 509 00:29:49,116 --> 00:29:50,156 Speaker 2: So don't think your. 510 00:29:50,036 --> 00:29:54,436 Speaker 3: Step family is less than to get because they are not. 511 00:29:55,796 --> 00:30:00,116 Speaker 3: They can find me at the smartstep mom dot com 512 00:30:00,196 --> 00:30:01,916 Speaker 3: the smart step mom dot com. 513 00:30:02,836 --> 00:30:05,396 Speaker 1: And you know why that you are the smart stepmom 514 00:30:05,436 --> 00:30:09,796 Speaker 1: because you are a smart step mom. Thank you so much, Laura. 515 00:30:09,956 --> 00:30:12,556 Speaker 2: Thank you, thank you for loving on step families. 516 00:30:14,476 --> 00:30:17,836 Speaker 1: I hope you've enjoyed today's conversation. I'd love to keep 517 00:30:17,836 --> 00:30:21,516 Speaker 1: in touch beyond this podcast. Click subscribe in the show 518 00:30:21,556 --> 00:30:24,115 Speaker 1: notes and I will give you my latest email to 519 00:30:24,196 --> 00:30:28,036 Speaker 1: keep up on what's happening with technology and kids. And 520 00:30:28,116 --> 00:30:30,956 Speaker 1: maybe you like reading or listening to books. I have 521 00:30:31,036 --> 00:30:33,756 Speaker 1: a lot of books. You could start with the Big Three, 522 00:30:34,196 --> 00:30:39,316 Speaker 1: Making marriage Easier, Parents Rising, or screen kids. A big 523 00:30:39,396 --> 00:30:41,556 Speaker 1: thank you to the team at life Audio for their 524 00:30:41,596 --> 00:30:45,476 Speaker 1: partnership with the Happy Home podcast. Check out lifeaudio dot 525 00:30:45,476 --> 00:30:49,156 Speaker 1: com for dozens of other faith related podcasts about prayer, 526 00:30:49,476 --> 00:30:53,276 Speaker 1: Bible study, and more. Remember, you don't have to come 527 00:30:53,316 --> 00:30:56,396 Speaker 1: from a happy home to create one. You too, can 528 00:30:56,516 --> 00:30:57,756 Speaker 1: have a happy home.