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Speaker 1: Hi friend, I'm so glad you're here today. Let's learn

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Speaker 1: how to raise our kids to love God, respect authority,

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Speaker 1: and do what's right. Let's scroll less and live more.

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Speaker 1: I'm Arlene Pelicane, and this is the Happy Home. Well, Gary,

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Speaker 1: you are no stranger to the podcast, that's for sure,

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Speaker 1: and today you're going to help us with our teenagers,

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Speaker 1: and you're going to also help you. Know, your book

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Speaker 1: is written to the teen but a lot of times

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Speaker 1: the listeners of this podcast, I don't know if I

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Speaker 1: have a lot of teenage listeners probably talking to their parents.

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Speaker 1: So let's let I'm going to start off with an example.

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Speaker 1: You've given the book. You're planning to take your jeep

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Speaker 1: to home depot, and you get in your jeep and

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Speaker 1: your gas take is empty, the backseat is filled with

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Speaker 1: Gate Raye bottles, the floor's covered in mud. It's nice

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Speaker 1: because you've let your teenager drive the car, right, And

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of us as parents, we've been there,

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Speaker 1: like to our teenager, Wait, why is this so? Why

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Speaker 1: did you not do a good job here? Bring us

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Speaker 1: as a parent when we feel frustrated with that teenager.

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Speaker 2: Well, let me say, first of all, it would be

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Speaker 2: far better if you make some guidelines for the teenager

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Speaker 2: about the car beforehand. Now we're going to let you

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Speaker 2: drive the car every Saturday. You have to have it

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Speaker 2: washed by noontime and whatever else you want to tell them,

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Speaker 2: you know, and then then maybe you have to show

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Speaker 2: them how to wash the car because maybe they don't

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Speaker 2: know that. And they say, now, if you don't get

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Speaker 2: it washed every Saturday by noon, you lose the privilege

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Speaker 2: of driving for two days. So when we make a

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Speaker 2: guideline like that for teenagers, it lets us and them

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Speaker 2: know what's going to happen if they leave it in

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Speaker 2: a mess and that sort of thing that you just described,

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Speaker 2: And we're going to work out far better, I tell you,

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Speaker 2: and you're less likely to get upset. You're just you're

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Speaker 2: able to say, you know, honey, you remember that guideline

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Speaker 2: that we or to what do you and uh, you

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Speaker 2: know the cars of this So I hate it, but

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Speaker 2: you're gonna have to lose the business for two days

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Speaker 2: and they're going to go on their head and say yes,

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Speaker 2: and they may they may cry, but they understand and

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Speaker 2: it won't happen again.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you must have been talking to my husband James,

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Speaker 1: because he is all about like it has to be

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Speaker 1: and we have not done this perfectly. But he'll be like,

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Speaker 1: you have to be clear from the beginning and expect

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Speaker 1: that they're going to kind of mess up. And when

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Speaker 1: they mess up, what is the consequence? And if you

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Speaker 1: don't tell them the consequence, that's not kind to them

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Speaker 1: because then they don't know what you know. So it's

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Speaker 1: kind to tell them that consequence. Talk to the parent

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Speaker 1: though that's like, oh, I don't like doing that. I

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Speaker 1: don't like giving those rules to my children.

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Speaker 2: Well, I would say, you know, I understand you want

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Speaker 2: them to be free, etcetera, etcetera. Listen, children who just

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Speaker 2: do what they want to do when they want to

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Speaker 2: do it are not going to be prepared for adulthood

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Speaker 2: because they will do that when they get to be adults.

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Speaker 2: All of us live under rules, their speed limits, and

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Speaker 2: there's all kinds of things we live under rules. It's

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Speaker 2: a part of life if you're going to survive. Everybody

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Speaker 2: can't shim to do what they want to do. And

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Speaker 2: we want to raise children that are responsible that when

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Speaker 2: they get to be independent of our parenting get to

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Speaker 2: be adults, they will be adults who will be responsible

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Speaker 2: and will have a positive impact on the world. So

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Speaker 2: really it's an active look. It's the same thing God

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Speaker 2: does for us as his children. We violate his program.

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Speaker 2: The Bible says clearly God is going to disciplin us,

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Speaker 2: He's going to chastise us. That's a bit of a word,

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Speaker 2: because he loves us and he wants to get us

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Speaker 2: back on the road. So letting them know that there

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Speaker 2: are consequences and then lovingly applying the consequences. That is,

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Speaker 2: not yelling and screaming at them because they fail, but

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Speaker 2: tell them you understand. Sometimes you forget or whatever, and

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Speaker 2: understand that, but you have to suffer the consquace. There's

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Speaker 2: always consequences when we break the rooms. And I grew

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Speaker 2: up like that. You're raising a responsible young person who's

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Speaker 2: going to be a great adult.

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Speaker 1: So good. Let's say that your child, you know, responds

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Speaker 1: well to that. It's like, okay, yeah, it was a mess,

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Speaker 1: I violated it. I get it. But what if your

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Speaker 1: child is disrespectful? Right, So they're the ones that messed up,

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Speaker 1: They're the ones that didn't wash the car, They're the

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Speaker 1: ones that made a dirty but their attitude is like

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Speaker 1: they're rolling their eyes they're like talking to you, you

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Speaker 1: know bad. They're like, oh, you're just like so mean,

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Speaker 1: and you're so petty, you don't care your car is

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Speaker 1: dirty too, you know, like they are giving you this

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Speaker 1: kind of thing. How do you what do you suggest

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Speaker 1: if you have a child who is disrespectful a teenager?

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Speaker 2: I think I would say, first of all, you listen

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Speaker 2: to them, because they're operating out their own anger or

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Speaker 2: their own hurt. And so you listen to them. You

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Speaker 2: don't tell them shut up, and they'll talk to me

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Speaker 2: that way. I mean, that's then you're doing you're doing

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Speaker 2: it too right. You just say to listen to them

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Speaker 2: and say, you know, I can understand how you would

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Speaker 2: feel that way, you know, And you're right, my car

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Speaker 2: is sometimes thirty, but you know I own my car.

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Speaker 2: I'm letting you use this car and drive this car,

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Speaker 2: you know, and so you have to be responsible for it.

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Speaker 2: And so uh, and then it's and then it's tomorrow

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Speaker 2: or sometime next week when you had to have a

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Speaker 2: conference with them to say, you know, last week, I

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Speaker 2: understand why you were upset with me and you said

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Speaker 2: some pretty harsh things to me as a mother. And

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Speaker 2: you know, the Bible says we're to honor our parents,

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Speaker 2: and yelling and screaming at me and telling me that

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Speaker 2: I know wasn't very honoring. So I just want you

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Speaker 2: to know, you know, you're free to do those kind

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Speaker 2: of things, but if you do that again, then it's

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Speaker 2: going to be four days that you lose the privilege. Okay.

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Speaker 2: I just want you to know up front, because because

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Speaker 2: that sort of thing, yelling back at me as your mother,

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Speaker 2: Because if you yell at me, later on, you yell

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Speaker 2: at your school teacher, and you ever, if you ever

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Speaker 2: get married, you grow up, you yell at your wife.

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Speaker 2: And I don't want that to happen, and I don't

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Speaker 2: think you want that to happen. That's that's the approach.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so you are hitting on something, you know, the

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Speaker 1: honoring of the parents. So if kids from when they're

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Speaker 1: very young are really taught this is a very big

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Speaker 1: deal in our house that you honor mom and dad,

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Speaker 1: then when do they become teenagers, they can they can

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Speaker 1: realize that sooner. What if kids have grown up kind

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Speaker 1: of ruling the roost right, they've kind of grown up

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Speaker 1: like it's my way because I'm the loudest and I

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Speaker 1: get my way and then parents realize, oh, this is

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Speaker 1: not working great, and then as teenagers they're really trying

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Speaker 1: to get their kids to honor them. What suggestions can

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Speaker 1: you give to that parent for helping bend that teenager

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Speaker 1: at that older age to honor.

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Speaker 2: I think the first thing I would do or suggest

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Speaker 2: is that you apologize to say to your teenager, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I've been thinking a lot about my sale as a

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Speaker 2: mother or father whom never was talking Yeah, And I

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Speaker 2: realized that I failed to you younger, when you were younger,

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Speaker 2: because I did not teach you how to live with rules.

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Speaker 2: They rules, and you've broken a lot of rules, and

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Speaker 2: many times you get angry with me and yell at

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Speaker 2: me when you do. And I'm just thinking you're going

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Speaker 2: to carry that into adulthood, and that means you not

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Speaker 2: won't have a good marriage, and you're not going to

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Speaker 2: be a good father or a good mother. And I

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Speaker 2: just want to apologize to you because I failed at

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Speaker 2: that point. Now, I hope you can forgive me. Will

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Speaker 2: you forgive me? They give them a chance to say, yes,

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Speaker 2: I forgive you. I can say now, I want us

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Speaker 2: to talk about what I can do that will help

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Speaker 2: you learn to be responsible and learn to honor me

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Speaker 2: as your parents. And I'm acknowledging I'm not perfect, but

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Speaker 2: I am your father or I am your mother, and

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Speaker 2: in the Bible says we're to honor our father and

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Speaker 2: mother and the results is we live long on the earth.

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Speaker 2: So I want you to live a long time. So

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Speaker 2: I think it's that kind of approach that the teenagers can.

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Speaker 2: They can hear that and they can accept, you know,

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Speaker 2: your apology, and then since you've been kind to them

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Speaker 2: and you've asked forgiveness, now you can discuss with them.

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Speaker 2: Here we need to work on some things because I

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Speaker 2: want you to be a great father someday or a

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Speaker 2: great mother someday. And also in the school, I want

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Speaker 2: you to respect your teachers because you know what I'm

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Speaker 2: hearing today are they from school public school teachers. I

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Speaker 2: spend half my time just trying to keep discipline in

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Speaker 2: the room so I can teach because the kids don't

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Speaker 2: respect that and me as a teacher, you know, if

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Speaker 2: they don't get it in the home, then that's what's

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Speaker 2: going to happen in school, and they're going to take

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Speaker 2: it into adulthood.

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Speaker 1: One thing I'm hearing from parents is my kid is

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Speaker 1: just so negative. My team is so negative, negative about life,

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Speaker 1: negative about life's prospects. You know, if they miss a basket,

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Speaker 1: oh I'm the worst basketball player ever, they get a

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Speaker 1: bad grade, I'm never going to be able to pass

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Speaker 1: this test, you know. And that's just so negative. How

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Speaker 1: can we start pouring in more, you know, positive things

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Speaker 1: in our kid's life. When they are constantly you know,

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Speaker 1: Debbie down or constantly just that that your type of person.

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Speaker 2: I think one thing is to look for times in

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Speaker 2: which they do something noble, are something good, and praise important. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I noticed in the game the other night when Johnny

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Speaker 2: miss his shot and you went over and give him

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Speaker 2: a head on the back, and I don't know what

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Speaker 2: you said to him, and I know you were encouraging him.

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Speaker 2: That is a wonderful trait. I really admire that about you.

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Speaker 2: So you look for things like that that you can

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Speaker 2: affirm them for or if they get a B or

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Speaker 2: a report card. You know, you don't say you should

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Speaker 2: have made an A. You're smarter than this. You say, wow,

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Speaker 2: a B. That's good. It's a whole lot better than

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Speaker 2: a CD. You know. Yeah, that's what parents say. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: but wait a minute, I want them to make a's.

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Speaker 2: Well did you make all a's? Well, some parents did, but.

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Speaker 1: They're way more important things in life than.

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Speaker 2: So I think we affirmed them for the positive things

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Speaker 2: we see in them. And if they say something about

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Speaker 2: I can't do this, I can't do that, you say,

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Speaker 2: what do you think makes you feel that way? Because

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Speaker 2: when I see you, I think you have really great

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Speaker 2: potential in that area, you know. And yeah, you missed

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Speaker 2: a basket, and yes we lost the game, but listen,

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Speaker 2: that happens all the time. Not everybody hits every basket,

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Speaker 2: you know. So we have to accept the reality that

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Speaker 2: none of us are perfect and sometimes we're going to

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Speaker 2: we're going to mess up, whether it's playing a game

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Speaker 2: or whether it's something else, and so we just need

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Speaker 2: to acknowledge, Okay, I missed that one, but I'm going

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Speaker 2: to work hard to try to get to be better

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Speaker 2: in that area.

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Speaker 1: Going kind of along the same lines, so negativity, respect

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Speaker 1: another one is anger, So instead oh I wish my

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Speaker 1: kid was just negative in a downer, my kid is angry,

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Speaker 1: you know, my teen You know, we have to be

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Speaker 1: careful around what we say to our teen girl or

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Speaker 1: our teen boy because we don't want them to explode

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Speaker 1: in anger. Help us with that kid? How do we deal?

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Speaker 1: Let's deal with the explosion first, and then I want

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Speaker 1: you to talk about valid anger versus invalid anger.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I think when a child responds to us in

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Speaker 2: an angry way, or they respond to a sibling in

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Speaker 2: an angry way, at least we observe what happens. We

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Speaker 2: want to have a conversation about it. Not at that moment.

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Speaker 2: I think we wait till a little later, till they

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Speaker 2: calm down, and we say, Johnny or Mary, I want

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Speaker 2: to talk to you a little bit about anger. I

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Speaker 2: noticed the other day you got angry with your sister

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Speaker 2: or your brother, and you yelled at them and said

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Speaker 2: some pretty nasty things. And I understand that because all

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Speaker 2: of us get angry sometimes. And you know, and this

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Speaker 2: is where this book can be a real help, because

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Speaker 2: we say, you know, here's a book that was written

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Speaker 2: two teenagers about understanding anger and where anger comes from,

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Speaker 2: why we get angry. And I'm gonna let you read it,

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Speaker 2: and then I'd like for us to discuss it. You know,

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Speaker 2: just sit down and discuss what's in this chapter about anger?

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Speaker 2: Because I get angry sometimes. Every human being gets angry,

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Speaker 2: and I just throw this out to you. You know,

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Speaker 2: one of the reasons we get angry is because we're

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Speaker 2: made in the image of God, because the Bible says

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Speaker 2: God is angry every day with the wicked, and we

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Speaker 2: are made in his image, and we have a concern

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Speaker 2: for right and wrong. And if we think somebody has

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Speaker 2: treated us wrongly or somebody else wrongly, we feel angry

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Speaker 2: about that, and we should feel angry. But what we

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Speaker 2: want to learn, of course, is how to handle our

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Speaker 2: anger as a rather than So let's let's do that.

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Speaker 2: You read the book and then we'll sit down with

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Speaker 2: and read that chapter, and then we'll sit down and

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Speaker 2: talking about it. They're getting an outside voice saying some

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Speaker 2: things even before you go into you know, explaining it

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Speaker 2: to it.

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Speaker 1: So good, and I'll put this little coveat in it.

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Speaker 1: So we did not give our kids an allowance like

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Speaker 1: our teens an allowance. Instead, we paid them to read books.

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Speaker 1: So instead of an allowance to me, say like, okay,

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Speaker 1: you want some money, read this book and tell us

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Speaker 1: about it. And honestly, it works because kids want teens

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Speaker 1: want money. So I encourage you. If you're thinking, like

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Speaker 1: how can I get my kid to read doctor Chapman's

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Speaker 1: book about teenagers and how to help them with their anger.

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Speaker 1: I tell you what you offer. You say, hey, we're

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Speaker 1: going to offer you a little bit of money. It's

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Speaker 1: it's kind of worth the investment. I will say that, yes,

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Speaker 1: it's better than paying them for for nothing, right if

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Speaker 1: they're just kind of breathing in your house. So help

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Speaker 1: the child and the parent, you know, the team understand

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Speaker 1: what's the difference. When is my anger? And I heard

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Speaker 1: what you said, which was beautiful? Wait? What anger is good?

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Speaker 1: Because it's something we are made in God's image and

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Speaker 1: this is part of being made in the image of God.

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Speaker 1: WHOA I thought all anger was bad? Right, So help

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Speaker 1: us understand the difference between good and bad anger.

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Speaker 2: I think good anger is when someone has done something wrong.

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Speaker 2: The Bible, the word is sin. They've seen. That's when

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Speaker 2: God gets angry because he has a sense of right

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Speaker 2: and he wants us to have the best possible life.

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Speaker 2: You know, when God gave the rules in the Bible

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Speaker 2: for us to live by, don't do these things, but

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Speaker 2: do these things. All of them are flowing out of

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Speaker 2: his love for us. He wants us to have the

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Speaker 2: best possible life, and so we have rules. And so

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Speaker 2: if someone actually sins against you, you said, feel angry.

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Speaker 2: Now we talk about how to handle that anger a

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Speaker 2: little bit. But we also get angry when we don't

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Speaker 2: get our way. They didn't do what we wanted them

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Speaker 2: to do, or they didn't do it the way we

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Speaker 2: wanted them to do it, and that is not it.

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Speaker 2: That's bad anger. That's not legitimate anger. That's selfishness. You know,

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Speaker 2: for example, as an adult, when I first got married,

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Speaker 2: I got mad at my wife. Angry at my wife

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Speaker 2: by the way she lettered a dishwasher. You know, she

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Speaker 2: just threw them in like she's playing frisbee. You know

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Speaker 2: you're supposed to organize that girl. Well, it's not a sin.

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Speaker 2: What does he do without a sin? It's just she

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Speaker 2: wasn't doing it my way, the way I wanted it done.

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Speaker 2: And so sometimes I, as a parent, will get angry

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Speaker 2: because somebody you or somebody else has not doing something

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Speaker 2: I think the way it ought to be done. And

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Speaker 2: you get angry at your siblings or at me sometimes

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Speaker 2: because you think I'm not doing that what I'm doing

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Speaker 2: what you want me to do. So we have to

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Speaker 2: decide is this selfishness, I'm not getting my way, or

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Speaker 2: has somebody really sing against me? And if they've sinned

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Speaker 2: against you, the Bible is very clear you go to

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Speaker 2: them kindly and you say, I don't know how you

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Speaker 2: feel about this, but I was really hurt and angry

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Speaker 2: when you did. And I don't know. Maybe I'm misreading this.

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Speaker 2: Can you explain it to me and maybe they will

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Speaker 2: admit you're right I was. I did, Yeah it was wrong.

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Speaker 2: What I did was wrong. Or maybe they'll explain it

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Speaker 2: to you and you will understand. Oh okay, I read

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Speaker 2: that differently. I was misunderstanding that. So I think having

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Speaker 2: a good discussion with a teenager not just a one

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Speaker 2: time discussion. You want to discuss this along the way

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Speaker 2: as they continue to move toward independence. But I do

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Speaker 2: think helping a team understand anger, the two kinds of anger,

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Speaker 2: and what to do with each of those, is going

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Speaker 2: to be preparing them for life, because as adults, they

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Speaker 2: will also experience if I get married, sometimes toward their

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Speaker 2: spouse and sometimes to other people. At school, you might

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Speaker 2: get angry with people, and if what they're doing is wrong,

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Speaker 2: you should be angry. And if what they're doing is just,

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Speaker 2: if you're not what you want, then that self is anger,

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Speaker 2: and so we have to have to learn how to respond.

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Speaker 1: To both those and to be able to distinguish what

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Speaker 1: is a real wrong and what isn't because I think

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Speaker 1: many teenagers are seeing, well, that was a real wrong

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Speaker 1: towards me, because they're being taught through social media and

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Speaker 1: different harmful things that you know, you're a victim and

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Speaker 1: people are against you, and you you have the right

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Speaker 1: to retaliate because they out there did this terrible thing

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Speaker 1: to you. So we're really being kind of soaked. Kids

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Speaker 1: are being soaked in this. Well, I'm a victim, So

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Speaker 1: however I need to lash out is just because my

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Speaker 1: anger is just because you've wronged me. Let's just go

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Speaker 1: there a little bit. How can we get our kid

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Speaker 1: out of that victim mentality.

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Speaker 2: I think what we say to them is, you know,

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Speaker 2: I can understand how you would feel that way because

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Speaker 2: you've seen this and you've heard this, et etcetera. I

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Speaker 2: can see that. But you know, we're Christians, our family,

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Speaker 2: and we believe the Bible, and the Bible expresses God's

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Speaker 2: love to us, and God said, in fact, Jesus said,

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Speaker 2: love your enemies, return good for evil. If they're hungry,

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Speaker 2: feed them if they're thirsty, give them something to drink.

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Speaker 2: That's not natural. Yeah, but God is telling us how

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Speaker 2: to handle when someone treats us unfairly, and even if

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Speaker 2: they legitimately did something wrong with us, we should confront

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Speaker 2: them as I described earlier, but we should also not

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Speaker 2: try to retaliate, but to do something good for them.

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Speaker 2: We're returning good for evil. That is the most positive

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Speaker 2: influence you can have on that person, because they know

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Speaker 2: they did wrong, they know it, and here you are

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Speaker 2: confronting them and trying to work through it because you

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Speaker 2: value our relationship. And then you're returning something good for me.

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Speaker 2: You're doing something good for me. So you know, a

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Speaker 2: guy and God does that for us, you know he

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Speaker 2: returns good for you. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: In your book A Teen's Guy to Conflict. One thing,

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Speaker 1: I really like you said. What fires you up reveals

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Speaker 1: who you are. So for instance, if you're really heated

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Speaker 1: and really mad because someone said very cruel things about

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Speaker 1: you as they're supposed to be a friend, then you

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Speaker 1: know while you really value loyalty, or if you're thinking

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Speaker 1: about a student and you know they were wrongly suspended

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Speaker 1: and that really makes you mad, then you value justice.

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Speaker 1: And I really like that to think of what makes

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Speaker 1: you mad and how does that reveal what's important to you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's true because it tells us that

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Speaker 2: we think it's important. That's why we experience the emotion

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Speaker 2: of anger, is that we feel what they did is

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Speaker 2: wrong and therefore we move or we feel like they

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Speaker 2: didn't they didn't do it the way even if it's

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Speaker 2: bad anger, but they didn't do it the way we

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Speaker 2: wanted it. You value order, for example, I value order

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Speaker 2: in the in the dishwasher, or my wife doesn't value anger.

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Speaker 2: Our answer was I don't have time to do that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't matter how they're set up.

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Speaker 2: That's right, that's right. So yeah, but I think, no

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Speaker 2: question about it. Mismanaged anger destroys marriages, hurts children, and

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Speaker 2: we end up hurting other people mismanaged anger. So it's

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Speaker 2: really important that we have open discussions with our teenagers

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Speaker 2: along the way, not just one conversation, but along the

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Speaker 2: way about anger and how to handle anger. And when

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Speaker 2: we see that they're in a positive way, we say

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Speaker 2: to them later, I really appreciate the way you handle

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Speaker 2: that situation. I saw what they did and I know

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Speaker 2: it hurts you, but you handle it in a really

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Speaker 2: positive way. And that's the way we all will to

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Speaker 2: handle anger. So we affirm them as they began to

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Speaker 2: catch home on how to handle anger in a positive way.

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Speaker 1: You write in your book about like, if there's a

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Speaker 1: calm person in your life who can help you manage

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Speaker 1: your anger, And I really like that, just like another person,

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Speaker 1: maybe that's not your mom or dad, but a mentor

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Speaker 1: type person in your teenager's life that would be able

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Speaker 1: to come alongside of your teenager and say, you know,

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Speaker 1: you seem really angry, let's talk about that and helping

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Speaker 1: them kind of sort through is this a legit anger

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Speaker 1: or is this not a legit anger. How can we

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Speaker 1: as parents help our kids find these mentors.

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Speaker 2: Well, I think one way is to have them involved

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Speaker 2: in church, because typically in church are older people, men

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Speaker 2: and women who love teenagers and who would love to

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Speaker 2: have a relationship with a teenager. And so in church

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Speaker 2: there are classes for teenagers, and so they're beating you know,

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Speaker 2: someone who's teaching that class, and they're teaching because they

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Speaker 2: love teenagers and they care about teenagers. So I think

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Speaker 2: having people outside the family who are Christians who take

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Speaker 2: an interest in our children, and our children begin to

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Speaker 2: develop a relationship with them, very very positive. Sometimes it

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Speaker 2: can be a family member, an aunt or an uncle

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Speaker 2: that they're close to, you know, for what reason or whatever.

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Speaker 1: Reason, a grandma or grandpa I think about you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, yeah, So using utilizing grandparents in a relationship

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Speaker 2: with a teenager absolutely incredible because they often they've had

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Speaker 2: good experiences as a child with the grandparents many times,

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Speaker 2: sometimes not always, but sometimes. So they like being with

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Speaker 2: their grandparents and they admired their grandparents. So yeah, having

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Speaker 2: the grandparents there, sometimes they'll hear from the grandparents something

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Speaker 2: that they haven't taken away well from you, but grandparents

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Speaker 2: brings it up. Now they're thinking, that's what my daddy said,

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Speaker 2: that's what my mother said. They walk away and think

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Speaker 2: about it now. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: What were a few ways that you kept connecting with

428
00:23:41,196 --> 00:23:42,475
Speaker 1: your teenage grandkids?

429
00:23:42,676 --> 00:23:42,795
Speaker 2: Right?

430
00:23:42,796 --> 00:23:45,316
Speaker 1: Because you were not necessarily in the same city, which

431
00:23:45,356 --> 00:23:48,436
Speaker 1: a lot of listeners may not live close to their grandkids.

432
00:23:48,755 --> 00:23:50,955
Speaker 1: How are ways that you kept in touch with yours?

433
00:23:51,715 --> 00:23:55,995
Speaker 2: Well, one way was with the phone. Our granddaughter, for example,

434
00:23:56,156 --> 00:23:59,836
Speaker 2: calls my wife it was her grandmother every Sunday afternoon,

435
00:23:59,836 --> 00:24:02,956
Speaker 2: at three o'clock. Oh, and she's twenty five years old.

436
00:24:03,235 --> 00:24:05,876
Speaker 2: My goodness, she's still doing it. She's singled. She still

437
00:24:05,916 --> 00:24:08,995
Speaker 2: calls her every week. Grandson. I never talked to him

438
00:24:09,035 --> 00:24:11,995
Speaker 2: every day when he was a teenager, but I did

439
00:24:12,076 --> 00:24:14,876
Speaker 2: talk with them, not even every week like that on

440
00:24:14,995 --> 00:24:19,555
Speaker 2: special time, but pretty periodically every week or two weeks.

441
00:24:19,596 --> 00:24:22,116
Speaker 2: I'm calling him for one time or another. He calls

442
00:24:22,196 --> 00:24:25,836
Speaker 2: me one time or another. And another way with my

443
00:24:25,916 --> 00:24:29,156
Speaker 2: grandson especially, was taking him on trips, just the two

444
00:24:29,235 --> 00:24:33,116
Speaker 2: of us. Yeah, and we would go hiking together. I

445
00:24:33,235 --> 00:24:37,155
Speaker 2: remember when he was thirteen he said. I said, if

446
00:24:37,196 --> 00:24:38,995
Speaker 2: you could go anywhere in the world, where would you

447
00:24:39,116 --> 00:24:41,795
Speaker 2: like to go? He said, Papa, I would like to

448
00:24:41,836 --> 00:24:45,796
Speaker 2: see the Brazilian rainforest. I said, that's interesting. Why did

449
00:24:45,796 --> 00:24:47,916
Speaker 2: you say that? He said, well, I've been reading about it.

450
00:24:48,035 --> 00:24:50,356
Speaker 2: I'd like to see it. I said, well, that's very interesting.

451
00:24:50,755 --> 00:24:52,715
Speaker 2: I had no idea that I would ever be able

452
00:24:52,755 --> 00:24:53,116
Speaker 2: to do that.

453
00:24:53,356 --> 00:24:53,515
Speaker 1: You know.

454
00:24:54,356 --> 00:24:57,116
Speaker 2: A month later, I get an email from my Brazilian

455
00:24:57,196 --> 00:25:00,076
Speaker 2: publisher asking me to come and do a week long

456
00:25:00,156 --> 00:25:03,436
Speaker 2: speaking tour in Brazil. I wrote back and said, well,

457
00:25:03,876 --> 00:25:06,356
Speaker 2: if I can bring my thirteen year old grandson and

458
00:25:06,515 --> 00:25:09,715
Speaker 2: if after I finished speaking, you will arrange for us

459
00:25:09,796 --> 00:25:12,475
Speaker 2: to have two days in the rainforest. I will come

460
00:25:13,076 --> 00:25:13,596
Speaker 2: And they did.

461
00:25:14,396 --> 00:25:17,436
Speaker 1: All that happened only because your grandson wanted to go

462
00:25:17,596 --> 00:25:18,475
Speaker 1: to the rain for it.

463
00:25:19,076 --> 00:25:21,275
Speaker 2: That's right, that's right. I may not even go to

464
00:25:21,356 --> 00:25:23,515
Speaker 2: Brazil if you wanted to go to the rain forest.

465
00:25:23,995 --> 00:25:27,396
Speaker 2: Both of us have memories that we'll never forget. Yeah,

466
00:25:27,556 --> 00:25:31,196
Speaker 2: So building whether you're a parent or a grandparent, building

467
00:25:31,396 --> 00:25:34,515
Speaker 2: memories by doing things with the children individuals. Another thing

468
00:25:34,636 --> 00:25:36,836
Speaker 2: I did with our own children when they were growing

469
00:25:36,916 --> 00:25:40,156
Speaker 2: up during the teenage years. I would take my daughter

470
00:25:40,275 --> 00:25:43,356
Speaker 2: out for breakfast every other week, and I'd take my

471
00:25:43,515 --> 00:25:46,276
Speaker 2: grand my son out, just the two of us. Yeah,

472
00:25:46,515 --> 00:25:49,275
Speaker 2: take them out for breakfast, and they both look back

473
00:25:49,316 --> 00:25:51,275
Speaker 2: and say, those are some of the best times because

474
00:25:51,316 --> 00:25:53,995
Speaker 2: we talked, you know, at the breakfast time. It's different

475
00:25:54,035 --> 00:25:56,436
Speaker 2: from being in the house going through the regular routine.

476
00:25:57,035 --> 00:26:00,275
Speaker 2: So doing things like that with teenagers, whether you're a

477
00:26:00,316 --> 00:26:05,596
Speaker 2: parent or a grandparent, builds a relationship which they're far

478
00:26:05,715 --> 00:26:08,436
Speaker 2: more likely to trust you and far more likely to

479
00:26:08,515 --> 00:26:10,236
Speaker 2: take what you say seriously.

480
00:26:10,715 --> 00:26:13,636
Speaker 1: When when the conflict comes, because you're it's a guide

481
00:26:13,676 --> 00:26:16,356
Speaker 1: to conflict. Then you have some things in the love bank,

482
00:26:16,396 --> 00:26:18,355
Speaker 1: and you're able to talk versus if you have nothing,

483
00:26:18,636 --> 00:26:20,996
Speaker 1: and then you hit conflict, you are in your kind

484
00:26:21,035 --> 00:26:21,555
Speaker 1: of in trouble.

485
00:26:21,636 --> 00:26:24,155
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're right, absolutely.

486
00:26:24,475 --> 00:26:29,395
Speaker 1: Talk about the teenager that is withdrawn. So they're quiet,

487
00:26:29,676 --> 00:26:31,876
Speaker 1: and it's not as shy or not shy thing, it's

488
00:26:31,955 --> 00:26:34,395
Speaker 1: just they don't want to engage with the siblings. They

489
00:26:34,436 --> 00:26:36,275
Speaker 1: don't want to engage with the parents. They kind of

490
00:26:36,316 --> 00:26:39,636
Speaker 1: want to get by on the least possible energy expended,

491
00:26:40,596 --> 00:26:43,835
Speaker 1: and they're just withdrawn. They seem unmotivated. The parent has

492
00:26:43,876 --> 00:26:46,076
Speaker 1: a hard time finding out what are the interests? What's

493
00:26:46,196 --> 00:26:51,235
Speaker 1: motivating this kid? What do we do with this unmotivated teenager?

494
00:26:51,955 --> 00:26:54,515
Speaker 2: Well, there's no one answer. I think there's no magic

495
00:26:54,596 --> 00:26:58,196
Speaker 2: wand that you can wave to motivate a child. But

496
00:26:58,396 --> 00:27:01,795
Speaker 2: you can try to see what they are interested in.

497
00:27:02,916 --> 00:27:05,315
Speaker 2: And sometimes we don't want to go where they are,

498
00:27:05,876 --> 00:27:09,235
Speaker 2: you know. I remember our son got really caught up

499
00:27:09,356 --> 00:27:13,436
Speaker 2: with a rock star in that day, you know, and

500
00:27:13,556 --> 00:27:18,196
Speaker 2: I'm thinking, you know, it's not the best model. But

501
00:27:18,396 --> 00:27:20,916
Speaker 2: I asked, are listening to his music? What I could

502
00:27:20,995 --> 00:27:25,235
Speaker 2: understand of it? You know, and I would I would

503
00:27:25,995 --> 00:27:28,356
Speaker 2: repeat some of the positive words in some of the

504
00:27:28,436 --> 00:27:32,596
Speaker 2: songs to my son, you know, so that I'm communicating

505
00:27:32,676 --> 00:27:35,116
Speaker 2: to him that I'm with you, I'm thinking with you

506
00:27:35,235 --> 00:27:38,396
Speaker 2: on this, you know. And then I later actually took

507
00:27:38,475 --> 00:27:41,396
Speaker 2: him on a trip to the hometown of this singer

508
00:27:41,916 --> 00:27:44,916
Speaker 2: to visit his hometown. You know. Well, you never forgot that,

509
00:27:45,156 --> 00:27:47,436
Speaker 2: and I never forgot it, you know, but it meant

510
00:27:47,475 --> 00:27:49,116
Speaker 2: more to him than it did to me. But I

511
00:27:49,275 --> 00:27:51,916
Speaker 2: wasn't really into him. I was just into him because

512
00:27:52,196 --> 00:27:55,715
Speaker 2: I wanted I'm into my son. So I think rather

513
00:27:55,836 --> 00:27:59,875
Speaker 2: than just trying to stay away from their interests, whatever

514
00:27:59,955 --> 00:28:03,396
Speaker 2: those may be, go with them into those points of

515
00:28:03,475 --> 00:28:06,596
Speaker 2: interest and help them, you know, process their thoughts and

516
00:28:06,636 --> 00:28:10,075
Speaker 2: their feelings regarding whatever whatever it is that they are

517
00:28:10,235 --> 00:28:12,355
Speaker 2: interested in using they're interested in something.

518
00:28:12,755 --> 00:28:16,636
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, yes, I like that very much. What

519
00:28:16,916 --> 00:28:20,795
Speaker 1: do you hope, you know, parent gets the teenager is

520
00:28:20,836 --> 00:28:23,275
Speaker 1: probably not going to buy this book, but the parent

521
00:28:23,596 --> 00:28:25,876
Speaker 1: is going to buy this book and going to hand

522
00:28:25,955 --> 00:28:29,555
Speaker 1: it to the teenager. Hey, I know you've been struggling.

523
00:28:29,755 --> 00:28:34,635
Speaker 1: I know there's been a lot of conflict, anger, misunderstandings, loneliness,

524
00:28:34,836 --> 00:28:36,035
Speaker 1: you know, all those things in your life. And I

525
00:28:36,196 --> 00:28:38,036
Speaker 1: really think this book will help you. What are you

526
00:28:38,196 --> 00:28:40,996
Speaker 1: hoping what do you see happening in the teen's life

527
00:28:41,156 --> 00:28:44,116
Speaker 1: as they start reading your book and doing the principles inside.

528
00:28:44,356 --> 00:28:46,956
Speaker 2: Well, let me say, I like your idea of offering

529
00:28:47,076 --> 00:28:49,636
Speaker 2: to pay the money to read the book because that

530
00:28:49,756 --> 00:28:53,916
Speaker 2: gives them outside motivation to do it. I like that idea.

531
00:28:54,996 --> 00:28:57,876
Speaker 2: And then once they do it, I would say, read

532
00:28:57,956 --> 00:29:00,556
Speaker 2: a chapter a time at a time and discuss it

533
00:29:00,676 --> 00:29:03,315
Speaker 2: with each other. See, I'm just like, what do you

534
00:29:03,356 --> 00:29:06,676
Speaker 2: feel when you've learned out of that chapter? What do

535
00:29:06,756 --> 00:29:11,156
Speaker 2: you find interesting in that chapter? It's where the teenagers

536
00:29:11,156 --> 00:29:14,595
Speaker 2: hearing a voice other than your voice on the topic

537
00:29:14,916 --> 00:29:18,236
Speaker 2: of anger and contact and all these things, and also

538
00:29:18,316 --> 00:29:20,956
Speaker 2: how too giys and how to forgive and all of that.

539
00:29:21,156 --> 00:29:24,075
Speaker 2: That's all in the book. Uh, But it gives you

540
00:29:24,716 --> 00:29:27,716
Speaker 2: a chance to interface with them over what they're being

541
00:29:27,796 --> 00:29:30,596
Speaker 2: exposed to. So it's not like you're saying, now, I'm

542
00:29:30,636 --> 00:29:32,796
Speaker 2: going to tell you this that. It's not like you're

543
00:29:32,876 --> 00:29:36,036
Speaker 2: kind of trying to tell them everything. You're you're letting

544
00:29:36,076 --> 00:29:38,996
Speaker 2: them respond to what they're reading. You know, I was

545
00:29:39,116 --> 00:29:42,196
Speaker 2: driving across the state of South Carolina a while back.

546
00:29:42,956 --> 00:29:46,676
Speaker 2: It was a huge billboard with these words on it,

547
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:54,636
Speaker 2: children who read live happily. Ever after, I thought, wow,

548
00:29:54,876 --> 00:29:57,796
Speaker 2: I've never seen that before. But there's some truth to

549
00:29:57,916 --> 00:30:02,196
Speaker 2: that that now we we want, we hope, and that's

550
00:30:02,236 --> 00:30:04,595
Speaker 2: why we want to feed them books that they're going

551
00:30:04,676 --> 00:30:06,516
Speaker 2: to read, some good books, you know, some things that

552
00:30:06,556 --> 00:30:09,236
Speaker 2: are that are keeping with what we believe to be true.

553
00:30:10,356 --> 00:30:12,836
Speaker 2: But I think you know, when you when you teach

554
00:30:12,876 --> 00:30:15,796
Speaker 2: your children to read books, uh, and you share with

555
00:30:15,916 --> 00:30:18,796
Speaker 2: them books like this one what written to the teenager,

556
00:30:19,716 --> 00:30:20,636
Speaker 2: you're helping them.

557
00:30:20,916 --> 00:30:21,316
Speaker 1: You are.

558
00:30:22,756 --> 00:30:26,596
Speaker 2: Growing maturity and understand things. And the more they learn

559
00:30:27,316 --> 00:30:30,476
Speaker 2: from others, uh, the better life that's going to be

560
00:30:30,556 --> 00:30:35,355
Speaker 2: for them. So I would just say, utilize the books

561
00:30:35,556 --> 00:30:37,836
Speaker 2: that are written by people who have studied that area

562
00:30:38,316 --> 00:30:40,756
Speaker 2: and who have something that would be meaningful to the teenager.

563
00:30:41,476 --> 00:30:44,436
Speaker 2: But your conversation with him about it is important. And

564
00:30:44,556 --> 00:30:46,636
Speaker 2: even if they disagree with the with the writer of

565
00:30:46,676 --> 00:30:48,996
Speaker 2: the book. And so I didn't, I didn't quite agree

566
00:30:49,036 --> 00:30:52,436
Speaker 2: with this. That's interesting. To tell me why why you

567
00:30:52,476 --> 00:30:56,276
Speaker 2: feel that way? Yeah, you know, don't don't preach to them.

568
00:30:57,036 --> 00:30:59,356
Speaker 2: It's dialogue not monogue.

569
00:31:00,916 --> 00:31:03,036
Speaker 1: As parents, we have to remember that because it's like, oh,

570
00:31:03,116 --> 00:31:07,196
Speaker 1: this is my chance for my monologue. Okay, I need to,

571
00:31:07,436 --> 00:31:10,476
Speaker 1: like literally, I will feel myself closing my mouth like Arlene,

572
00:31:10,556 --> 00:31:15,196
Speaker 1: close your mouth. Do not close your mouth. And I

573
00:31:15,356 --> 00:31:18,436
Speaker 1: have found that, you know, with girls, With my daughters,

574
00:31:18,676 --> 00:31:20,796
Speaker 1: I and sit across the table with a cup of

575
00:31:20,876 --> 00:31:23,996
Speaker 1: coffee and talk with them. But especially with my son,

576
00:31:24,076 --> 00:31:26,796
Speaker 1: it's better if we're walking. You know, we're walking. We've

577
00:31:26,836 --> 00:31:28,916
Speaker 1: thrown a frisbee around and now we're walking around the

578
00:31:28,996 --> 00:31:32,036
Speaker 1: field and we're chatting, and it just feels a lot better.

579
00:31:32,636 --> 00:31:35,396
Speaker 1: So maybe with your boys you're walking, and even with

580
00:31:35,516 --> 00:31:37,756
Speaker 1: girls too, But the walking and talking, I mean, Jesus

581
00:31:37,836 --> 00:31:40,436
Speaker 1: did this with his disciples. It really is magical. It

582
00:31:40,556 --> 00:31:43,396
Speaker 1: is good. So go walk with your teenager and talk

583
00:31:43,476 --> 00:31:46,315
Speaker 1: with them. Doctor Chapman, thank you so much for this.

584
00:31:46,516 --> 00:31:49,156
Speaker 1: How can people find out more about you and about

585
00:31:49,436 --> 00:31:53,436
Speaker 1: your new book, which is titled A Teens Guide to Conflict,

586
00:31:53,836 --> 00:31:57,236
Speaker 1: How to deal with Drama, manage anger, and make things right.

587
00:31:58,036 --> 00:32:01,916
Speaker 2: Well, they can go to the website five Love Languages

588
00:32:02,076 --> 00:32:05,796
Speaker 2: dot com the number five five Love Languages dot com

589
00:32:06,316 --> 00:32:08,836
Speaker 2: and they can see this book and all my books.

590
00:32:08,916 --> 00:32:11,355
Speaker 2: Really how they can order it there or they can

591
00:32:11,476 --> 00:32:15,796
Speaker 2: order on Amazon. But it's available and out there. And

592
00:32:16,036 --> 00:32:17,716
Speaker 2: so I would encourage him to do that. And I

593
00:32:17,836 --> 00:32:21,156
Speaker 2: think again, I want to say, a teenager who reads

594
00:32:21,676 --> 00:32:25,036
Speaker 2: and who discusses with their parents, it's going to be

595
00:32:25,156 --> 00:32:26,835
Speaker 2: far better prepared for adulthood.

596
00:32:28,116 --> 00:32:30,276
Speaker 1: It's all the ai in the world of all those

597
00:32:30,316 --> 00:32:33,316
Speaker 1: little lines will not help a child the same way

598
00:32:33,516 --> 00:32:35,716
Speaker 1: that if they will start reading books and have the

599
00:32:35,756 --> 00:32:37,836
Speaker 1: world opened up to them in that way. Thank you

600
00:32:37,916 --> 00:32:38,956
Speaker 1: so much, doctor Chatvin.

601
00:32:39,396 --> 00:32:40,796
Speaker 2: Thank you great to be with you.

602
00:32:43,196 --> 00:32:46,516
Speaker 1: I hope you've enjoyed today's conversation. I'd love to keep

603
00:32:46,596 --> 00:32:50,196
Speaker 1: in touch beyond this podcast. Click subscribe in the show

604
00:32:50,276 --> 00:32:52,836
Speaker 1: notes and I will give you my latest email to

605
00:32:52,956 --> 00:32:56,716
Speaker 1: keep up on what's happening with technology and kids. And

606
00:32:56,836 --> 00:32:59,636
Speaker 1: maybe you like reading or listening to books. I have

607
00:32:59,756 --> 00:33:02,276
Speaker 1: a lot of books you could start with The Big Three,

608
00:33:02,916 --> 00:33:08,036
Speaker 1: Making marriage Easier, Parents, Rising, or Screen Kids. A big

609
00:33:08,116 --> 00:33:10,236
Speaker 1: thank you to the team at Life Audio for their

610
00:33:10,316 --> 00:33:14,156
Speaker 1: partnership with the Happy Home podcast. Check out lifeaudio dot

611
00:33:14,236 --> 00:33:17,836
Speaker 1: com for dozens of other faith related podcasts about prayer,

612
00:33:18,196 --> 00:33:21,916
Speaker 1: Bible study, and more. Remember you don't have to come

613
00:33:22,036 --> 00:33:25,075
Speaker 1: from a happy home to create one. You two can

614
00:33:25,236 --> 00:33:26,556
Speaker 1: have a happy homes