1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:08,040 Speaker 1: Access more. Welcome to the Happy Home. I'm Arlene Pelicane. 2 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: Maybe you have a neurodivergent child in your life, someone 3 00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:16,479 Speaker 1: with autism or ADHD. Author and specialist Kim Boto is 4 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:19,920 Speaker 1: here to give us the gift of understanding. She knows 5 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:23,760 Speaker 1: how to create spaces where every child feels heard, valued 6 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:25,280 Speaker 1: and championed. 7 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:31,520 Speaker 2: Strengthening you and your family. Welcome to the Happy Home 8 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:35,200 Speaker 2: Podcast with your host, Arlene Pelicane. 9 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:39,520 Speaker 1: Christmas is coming, my friends, and I have a free 10 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:43,320 Speaker 1: resource for you, the twenty five Days of Christmas with 11 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:48,960 Speaker 1: screen free activities, recipes, devotions. It's totally free. Get the 12 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,880 Speaker 1: link in the show notes. Subscribe so that you can 13 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:55,080 Speaker 1: get this guy twenty five days to Christmas. You can 14 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,920 Speaker 1: find it at Happy Home University dot com and again 15 00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: that link will be in the show notes. I don't 16 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,840 Speaker 1: expect you to do all twenty five days, but you 17 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:05,440 Speaker 1: know what, you could pick a few days of activities 18 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 1: and make this Christmas really special for you and your 19 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:12,679 Speaker 1: family without spending much money and by putting Christ first 20 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:15,520 Speaker 1: in everything that you do. Today we have Kim Botto 21 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,679 Speaker 1: who is the author of Boundless Hope for Every Child. 22 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:24,160 Speaker 1: Kim specializes in trauma informed disability ministry, both at home 23 00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:31,160 Speaker 1: and at church. Let's get started, Kim. It is so 24 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,880 Speaker 1: good to have you on the podcast. You are here 25 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:36,640 Speaker 1: because my children's pastor, Hello, David I out there, was like, 26 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,560 Speaker 1: you have to have Kim Boto on the show, and 27 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:43,039 Speaker 1: you must have her come talked to you about neurodivergent kids. 28 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,200 Speaker 1: So thank you for coming on. 29 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:45,560 Speaker 2: That's amazing. 30 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,000 Speaker 3: I love that everywhere I. 31 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,840 Speaker 1: Go someone will ask me like, do you have a 32 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:53,240 Speaker 1: podcast about my child has autism or my child has ADHD. 33 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:57,320 Speaker 1: So finally, here we go, Here we go. If you're here, 34 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:01,880 Speaker 1: there's big behavior, okay, like we've had down, we've had 35 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:05,640 Speaker 1: the screaming, we've had this big behavior. How does a 36 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:10,440 Speaker 1: parent begin to understand the needs behind the big behavior. 37 00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:14,520 Speaker 2: I think the first thing, and this is the hardest 38 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,240 Speaker 2: thing for me to remember, is we have to be 39 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:20,960 Speaker 2: calm before we do anything. We have to be calm. 40 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,679 Speaker 2: I'm sure, Arlene you've had times with your kids we're 41 00:02:23,919 --> 00:02:26,400 Speaker 2: right all over the couch with a sharpie. True story. 42 00:02:28,639 --> 00:02:32,240 Speaker 2: My initial reaction was not calm, and we must be 43 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:36,480 Speaker 2: calm so then we can talk to the kid and 44 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:40,760 Speaker 2: be curious and figure out what the need is underneath 45 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:41,359 Speaker 2: the behavior. 46 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:44,679 Speaker 3: So the first step is to be calm. The second step. 47 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:48,320 Speaker 2: Is to remember that there is a meaning behind every behavior. 48 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:51,920 Speaker 2: We might not know exactly what it is at first. 49 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:55,960 Speaker 2: Maybe they're hungry, maybe they're tired, Maybe we ask them 50 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 2: to do something they don't understand, so it's a lot 51 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:02,280 Speaker 2: easier to just tear everything up then to try to 52 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:04,840 Speaker 2: figure out what it is. They may have had a 53 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:08,480 Speaker 2: bad interaction at school, so there's there's always meaning, and 54 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:12,120 Speaker 2: so as the adult, it's our job to help our 55 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,840 Speaker 2: kid figure out what that is and then work with 56 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:19,040 Speaker 2: them on steps to cope other than you know, knocking 57 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,919 Speaker 2: over a bookcase or laying. 58 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,960 Speaker 3: On the floor and screaming, because there are other ways. 59 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:27,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, we're going to assume that our listener right now 60 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:31,119 Speaker 1: has a child with ADHD, has a child with autism, 61 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,200 Speaker 1: and then later we're going to kind of talk about 62 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,680 Speaker 1: how do you know if your child actually really has 63 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:39,160 Speaker 1: these things or if they are related to screens or 64 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:41,080 Speaker 1: things like that. So we'll get there in a second. 65 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:42,160 Speaker 2: Okay, let's go with. 66 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:46,360 Speaker 1: Those correction strategies that work. So our kid has just exploded. 67 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,720 Speaker 1: They did just push something over and it did just 68 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:52,160 Speaker 1: fall down. Give us a few correction strategies that you 69 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,160 Speaker 1: have seen work well well. 70 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:57,360 Speaker 2: Doctor Karen Purvis, who is a pioneer in working with 71 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:01,040 Speaker 2: kids who've experienced trauma. I love what she says. She says, 72 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:04,360 Speaker 2: connect before you correct. If you get nothing else out 73 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:07,280 Speaker 2: of today, connect before you correct. It works not just 74 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,000 Speaker 2: with our child who's having a meltdown, it also works 75 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:13,000 Speaker 2: with our spouse, our coworker. So what that would look 76 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:17,839 Speaker 2: like is, let's say, Arlene, give me a behavior that 77 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:18,800 Speaker 2: you might need to correct. 78 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:19,520 Speaker 3: What would that be? 79 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 1: So they are they are at the dinner table and 80 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,479 Speaker 1: they're making their screaming, they're like banging their hands on 81 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:27,960 Speaker 1: and you're like, you need to be quiet, like we're 82 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:28,720 Speaker 1: trying to eat a meal. 83 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,039 Speaker 2: Okay, So then we'd start by connecting with them by 84 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:36,760 Speaker 2: saying something like, Arlene, it seems like you're really upset 85 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,760 Speaker 2: sitting here at the table. And then we can so 86 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,719 Speaker 2: we've connected with them, so then you know, oh, she's 87 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:48,320 Speaker 2: on my side. It only takes a couple seconds, So 88 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,240 Speaker 2: then we were teammates. Yes, and then we can move 89 00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:56,280 Speaker 2: into can we take some deep breaths help them regulate? 90 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,560 Speaker 2: Because to ask them at the time that they're just regulated. 91 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,400 Speaker 2: What's wrong with you? What do you need? Isn't going 92 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,080 Speaker 2: to work because they've actually lost access to the thinking 93 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:08,840 Speaker 2: part of their brain. And so we connect with them, 94 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:13,520 Speaker 2: we help them calm, and then we coach them, Hey, 95 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,600 Speaker 2: it's a table. We don't throw the plate across the table. 96 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 2: You know, name the specific behavior and say, if you 97 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:24,200 Speaker 2: don't like what's on your plate, talk to me. And 98 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,839 Speaker 2: when we're talking about kids who are artistic or ADHD, 99 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,040 Speaker 2: their brains are wired differently than ours and so for 100 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:34,160 Speaker 2: those parents, if we are neurotypical, we're going to process 101 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 2: things one way. Our child's going to process it totally 102 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,240 Speaker 2: different way. And so what we need to do is 103 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 2: just take time to try to help them calm. You 104 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,440 Speaker 2: ask about time out. I think time out is a 105 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:50,320 Speaker 2: great strategy when we are at the end of the rope, 106 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,960 Speaker 2: our rope and we feel like we may say something 107 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,640 Speaker 2: that we were gray, so separating having them go to 108 00:05:56,720 --> 00:06:00,000 Speaker 2: their room if we know something will calm them, maybe 109 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:03,719 Speaker 2: it's jumping on a trampoline, maybe it's listening to calm music, 110 00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:07,360 Speaker 2: you know, set them up that way. What isn't helpful 111 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,000 Speaker 2: is if we use time out and say Hey, go 112 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,320 Speaker 2: to your room and you think about this and then 113 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:17,760 Speaker 2: come back. They may need help processing an alternative way. 114 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:22,200 Speaker 2: They may not know what their need is. So yeah, 115 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,360 Speaker 2: time out. Like I said, I think it's a great 116 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,880 Speaker 2: way to just give us some space. 117 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,039 Speaker 1: And then like, let's say, if a mom or dad 118 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,880 Speaker 1: feels like, oh, it's just like I'm flying by the 119 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,359 Speaker 1: seat of my pants here, how help them establish like, 120 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,720 Speaker 1: what are some main things to do if you're trying 121 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,200 Speaker 1: to establish a routine. 122 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,719 Speaker 2: Well, first of all, we are all going to have 123 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,040 Speaker 2: times where we feel like we are just flying by 124 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 2: the seat of our pants. There's nothing wrong with us, 125 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,479 Speaker 2: there's nothing wrong with the kid, our child. That's just 126 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,560 Speaker 2: kind of the world that we live in now. But 127 00:06:49,839 --> 00:06:54,080 Speaker 2: establish certain markers during the day where the kid knows 128 00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:57,920 Speaker 2: this is predictable and it's going to happen. Maybe every 129 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,040 Speaker 2: day on the way to school you pray for them 130 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,080 Speaker 2: and that is a routine during the day. Maybe when 131 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,320 Speaker 2: they get home from school, you always have a snack 132 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,760 Speaker 2: and you sit down and you talk about. 133 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,040 Speaker 3: High low for the day. 134 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,800 Speaker 2: Maybe at the end of the day you always read 135 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:17,360 Speaker 2: a book and pray with them before they go to bed. 136 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:21,240 Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be rigid, like every minute of 137 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,400 Speaker 2: every day is planned. Actually, if you try to plan 138 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:27,800 Speaker 2: every minute of every day, you will be frustrated because 139 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 2: you won't be able to do that. But just find 140 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,720 Speaker 2: little pockets so the kids can hold on to and go, 141 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:36,120 Speaker 2: I know when I get picked up from school, this 142 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 2: is what's going to happen. Or oh, it's bedtime, I 143 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,280 Speaker 2: know the thing. I know, I'm going to take a bath, 144 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:44,920 Speaker 2: I'm going to brush my teeth. They know the steps. 145 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,760 Speaker 2: And another thing that's really helpful, especially with kids who 146 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:52,360 Speaker 2: are neurodivergent, is create a visual schedule of that. You 147 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:54,080 Speaker 2: don't have to have a schedule for the whole day, 148 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,840 Speaker 2: but maybe you have a visual schedule that you have 149 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,000 Speaker 2: in their bedroom that says, this is what's going to happen, 150 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 2: and when I get up in the morning, these are 151 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,560 Speaker 2: the different things. Or maybe there's a visual schedule that 152 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 2: you have by the dinner table. It says, in after dinner, 153 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:11,160 Speaker 2: we're going to put our plates in the dishwasher, we're 154 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,440 Speaker 2: going to wipe off the table. And when I say 155 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:18,160 Speaker 2: visual schedule, it's not just the words. And for our 156 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:21,720 Speaker 2: kids who don't read, words aren't helpful, but it's actual 157 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 2: pictures and what kids really love. Take pictures of your 158 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,800 Speaker 2: child or you and your child doing those things and 159 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:29,520 Speaker 2: use that. 160 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:30,400 Speaker 3: As a schedule. 161 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:37,320 Speaker 2: Because predictability helps all kids, but it especially helps neurodivergent 162 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,679 Speaker 2: kids or kids who have experienced trauma. 163 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,480 Speaker 1: That's what I was going to say. This is good 164 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:45,439 Speaker 1: for all kids, but it's even extra comforting for Let's 165 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:48,920 Speaker 1: say you're the parent and you have one neurotypical child 166 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,880 Speaker 1: and one neuroa divergent child. So talk to us through that, 167 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,240 Speaker 1: because then the one kid is like, how come so 168 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,240 Speaker 1: and so gets to get that? And it goes both ways? 169 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: How does that parent just to wrap their brain around Okay, 170 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,280 Speaker 1: Sally needs this, but Billy needs this. 171 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:08,440 Speaker 3: Well, all kids are different, whether they're true. 172 00:09:08,679 --> 00:09:10,959 Speaker 2: You know, one's on testing and ones not. You've got 173 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,440 Speaker 2: one that's in fifth grade and one that's in second grade. 174 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:16,280 Speaker 2: They're gonna have different They're gonna have different things. You're 175 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:20,440 Speaker 2: gonna have a child who is super organized and another 176 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,480 Speaker 2: one that every day comes home with his all picture. 177 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,520 Speaker 2: It was so funny. It was two kids coming out 178 00:09:25,559 --> 00:09:28,920 Speaker 2: the door of school and one kid her coach buttoned up. 179 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,760 Speaker 2: She's got her backpack on, everything zipped in the other 180 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,400 Speaker 2: kid is like tripping on his shoelaces. 181 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:35,920 Speaker 3: His coach's dragging behind. 182 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,720 Speaker 2: I mean, kids are different, so even though the child 183 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,520 Speaker 2: tripping on a shoelaces might be older, you may need 184 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:47,480 Speaker 2: to help them more be organized. So I think it's 185 00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 2: looking at what each child needs, and if your child 186 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:54,240 Speaker 2: does complain about it, just talk to them about everyone 187 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,480 Speaker 2: has different needs. You know, you and I both wear 188 00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 2: glasses to see other people don't need that tool. Somebody else, 189 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:04,280 Speaker 2: another child in the home might need more help with homework. 190 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,400 Speaker 2: You don't need more help with homework, but you need 191 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,280 Speaker 2: more help cleaning your room because you have a difficult 192 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:11,920 Speaker 2: time figuring that out. 193 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,679 Speaker 1: What I hear you doing is taking the stigma out 194 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,600 Speaker 1: of this. That it's not like, oh, this child doesn't 195 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,600 Speaker 1: have you know, she's not autistic, but this child does. 196 00:10:21,679 --> 00:10:24,360 Speaker 1: It's we all have differences and that we're trying to 197 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:26,160 Speaker 1: gauge those different ways and help our kids. 198 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:29,040 Speaker 2: I really like that. Well, you know, in Tempo, Grandon 199 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:34,160 Speaker 2: is an advocate. She's an autism self advocate. She is autistic. 200 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:37,400 Speaker 2: She also has a couple PhDs and what she says 201 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:40,720 Speaker 2: the movie is fantastic. Oh my god, movie there's also 202 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 2: Oh for parents. I just got it out of the 203 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,679 Speaker 2: library a couple weeks ago. There's a book about her. 204 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,640 Speaker 2: It's a children's picture book, which are great ways for 205 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,560 Speaker 2: our children to help understand kids who are different. But 206 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,840 Speaker 2: what she says is my autism is not a deficit. 207 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:02,280 Speaker 2: It's a difference. Yeah, and so that's important for our 208 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:02,880 Speaker 2: kids to know. 209 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:07,840 Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, talk about how to make our kids feel safe, 210 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,760 Speaker 1: because you write in the book, a kid who does 211 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:13,120 Speaker 1: not feel safe will spend their time and energy on 212 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:14,959 Speaker 1: keeping guard, watching for threats. 213 00:11:17,679 --> 00:11:21,240 Speaker 2: And when we talk about safety, you know, parents, you're listening, 214 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,480 Speaker 2: going my house is safe. I make sure that I've 215 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:27,000 Speaker 2: got covers on the plugs, and i make sure that 216 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,680 Speaker 2: the doors are locked at night. But what we're talking 217 00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:34,560 Speaker 2: about here is felt safety, which means that inside that kid, 218 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,560 Speaker 2: in their brain and in their body, they feel safe. 219 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:42,079 Speaker 2: And if they don't feel safe, they are not going 220 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,319 Speaker 2: to be in a place. 221 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 3: For us to train them. 222 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,800 Speaker 2: You know, you use the example of the kid having 223 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:53,800 Speaker 2: a meltdown at the table, Well, if they don't feel safe, 224 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:54,800 Speaker 2: maybe there's something. 225 00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:56,680 Speaker 3: That happened during their day that doesn't make them feel safe. 226 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,160 Speaker 2: If they don't feel safe, we're not going to be 227 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,240 Speaker 2: able to train them and the ways that we can 228 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,560 Speaker 2: make them feel safe with predictability, the visual schedules that 229 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,920 Speaker 2: I just talked about, doing what you say you're going 230 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,440 Speaker 2: to do. You know, I know I have times where 231 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,560 Speaker 2: I have promised a kid something and then I don't 232 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,200 Speaker 2: do it. That makes them feel their world and just 233 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,760 Speaker 2: doesn't feel stable. Now, of course, our lean there's gonna 234 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,439 Speaker 2: be times that we're going to tell our kids something 235 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 2: it's not going to happen. But then we make it right. 236 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,280 Speaker 2: We explain to them, I'm so sorry. I know we 237 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,240 Speaker 2: said we're going to do this, but your brother has 238 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,280 Speaker 2: an ear infection. I need to take them to the doctor, 239 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:30,240 Speaker 2: explain why it's not happening, and then make arrangements to 240 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,120 Speaker 2: do it another time. 241 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,640 Speaker 3: So do what we say we're going to do. 242 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:39,280 Speaker 2: If a kid is neurodivergent and their body needs sensory input, 243 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,840 Speaker 2: give them ways to do that. I was talking to 244 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 2: a mom and she said, my kid is constantly and 245 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 2: this kid is neurodivergent. He constantly wants to jump off 246 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:53,000 Speaker 2: the back of the couch and swing off the mantle, 247 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,440 Speaker 2: the fireplace mantle. Every time he walks by the mantle 248 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:59,000 Speaker 2: he swings. What do I do? And I said, well, 249 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,800 Speaker 2: prussing a need through that, you know, the need for 250 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,920 Speaker 2: you know, when you jump, you just your whole body 251 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,760 Speaker 2: feels that, or when you hang, that also meets a 252 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:12,040 Speaker 2: sensory need. I said, what are other alternatives for him? 253 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,760 Speaker 2: And she didn't have any. So we talked about getting 254 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,480 Speaker 2: a little mini trampline that he can jump on and 255 00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:20,160 Speaker 2: so jumping off the couch. We talked about getting one 256 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:23,319 Speaker 2: of those bars that you can put across the door where. 257 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:26,240 Speaker 1: He can hiped our bar. Yeah, my husband, you can 258 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,280 Speaker 1: put up a bullet bar. 259 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:31,040 Speaker 2: That's right. Yeah, there's all kinds of things and we 260 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,920 Speaker 2: might just think, well, that's just meeting the need. But 261 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,240 Speaker 2: when we meet the need of a child, they feel seen, 262 00:13:36,679 --> 00:13:38,560 Speaker 2: they feel known, and they feel safe. 263 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:41,960 Speaker 1: How do you know when you're crossing the line to 264 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,240 Speaker 1: like I am meeting your need, to like you are 265 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:46,480 Speaker 1: taking advantage of me? 266 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:47,880 Speaker 2: How do you know? 267 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,599 Speaker 3: Oh that's well if. 268 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,240 Speaker 1: You really don't know, but you know what I'm saying, Like, 269 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 1: what are some helps you can give us in that area? Well? 270 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,719 Speaker 2: Doctor ross Green says children do well when they can, 271 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,600 Speaker 2: So if a kid isn't doing well, they do need 272 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,200 Speaker 2: our help, but what we want to do is we 273 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:09,760 Speaker 2: want to work towards them not needing our help all 274 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,800 Speaker 2: the time. And also, as a parent, we're the expert 275 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:16,000 Speaker 2: on the kid. And if you think that the kid is, 276 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,280 Speaker 2: you know, pushing your buttons, just trying. You know, if 277 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:23,000 Speaker 2: they're every day after school asking for one more snack 278 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:27,560 Speaker 2: or at night four glasses of water, yeah, well obviously 279 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:30,720 Speaker 2: that's pushing a boundary then so it doesn't mean that 280 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,000 Speaker 2: we're going to be walked all over. But what it 281 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,040 Speaker 2: does mean is we're going to take a minute and 282 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:37,480 Speaker 2: stop and think about what the need is. You know, 283 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,440 Speaker 2: if they're constantly asking for water at night, maybe they 284 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,960 Speaker 2: need a little just a few extra minutes with us 285 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:48,960 Speaker 2: before we leave, after we tuck them in, or maybe 286 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,160 Speaker 2: we need to just come back in ten minutes and say, Okay, 287 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:53,640 Speaker 2: you know what, I'm going to tuck you in, but 288 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,600 Speaker 2: I know you like to see me again before you 289 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,080 Speaker 2: fall asleep, So in ten minutes, I'm going to come 290 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,240 Speaker 2: back in and I'm going to give you an other 291 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,760 Speaker 2: kiss and then leave quickly. 292 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, talk to that parent who you know they have 293 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,840 Speaker 1: a child with the kind of disabilities that it makes 294 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,800 Speaker 1: it really hard to go out and they feel like 295 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,440 Speaker 1: they're trapped in their own home. You know, what are 296 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,800 Speaker 1: what are some ideas for them? 297 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:23,440 Speaker 2: That is so hard because there are parents that there, 298 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:28,840 Speaker 2: they feel very alone and isolated. And people will talk 299 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:32,160 Speaker 2: about self care, which self care is important, you know, 300 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:36,000 Speaker 2: look for little moments during the day. But really I 301 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,200 Speaker 2: think a lot of times what they need is community care. 302 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:39,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, I like to get it. 303 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:43,200 Speaker 2: They need for somebody. Yes, they need their community to 304 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,400 Speaker 2: step around. And if you have a friend with a 305 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,920 Speaker 2: kid that has extra needs, you might think, but they're 306 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:52,280 Speaker 2: not asking for help. Maybe they've asked ten other people 307 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,240 Speaker 2: for help when they've been told though, and they've quit, 308 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,880 Speaker 2: or maybe they're embarrassed to ask for help. I know, 309 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:03,240 Speaker 2: as an adoptive mom, I felt like I made the choice. 310 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 2: We made the choice to adopt our youngest daughters. I thought, 311 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:12,880 Speaker 2: it's my burden, it's not somebody else's. But then, thankfully 312 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:16,560 Speaker 2: we had people around us who were also adoptive parents 313 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,720 Speaker 2: who came to us and said, hey, love you, and 314 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:23,760 Speaker 2: you are not doing well. You aren't doing well, So 315 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,600 Speaker 2: these are some things I'm gonna do because that's another 316 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,520 Speaker 2: thing just you know, Arlene if I just go to 317 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,920 Speaker 2: you and say, hey, what can I do? You might 318 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:34,520 Speaker 2: be in such a living in such a state right 319 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,880 Speaker 2: then that you actually can't articulate. So instead think about 320 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:41,680 Speaker 2: things you need. Well, I know that I need groceries. Well, hey, Arlene, 321 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,080 Speaker 2: I'm going to the grocery to day. I'm going to 322 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:47,200 Speaker 2: get you guys some turkey, bread, chips and fruit. Is 323 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,520 Speaker 2: there anything else you want me to put on the 324 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:49,920 Speaker 2: list and I'm just going to drop it off on 325 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:53,320 Speaker 2: your porch? Or hey, Arlene, our kids are in soccer together. 326 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 2: I got to drive my daughter to soccer. You know 327 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,600 Speaker 2: what this week? Let me just pick your daughter up 328 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,400 Speaker 2: all week. Just assume that in the end of the 329 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:07,200 Speaker 2: week we'll figure out future plans. Yeah, initiate, yes, yeah, yes. 330 00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 2: And I would say, though, to the parent who does 331 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:12,560 Speaker 2: hit the kid with extra needs. If you are that 332 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,200 Speaker 2: parent that's asked for help and people have said no, 333 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:21,880 Speaker 2: take a big, deep breath and ask again one more time, 334 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,840 Speaker 2: because there are people out there who want to help. 335 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:30,120 Speaker 1: I hear about third spaces, So a third space. It's 336 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 1: not your home and it's not your work, but third 337 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:37,800 Speaker 1: spaces are disappearing. The church, the community center, the coffee shop, 338 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,800 Speaker 1: the cafe, you know, a place that a parent could 339 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,720 Speaker 1: go that's not home, that's not work. So one of 340 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 1: those wonderful places is church. But let's say a family 341 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,600 Speaker 1: has tried to go to church, but it's it's been 342 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,600 Speaker 1: hard or that a bad experience. Kind of give give 343 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,040 Speaker 1: that little nudge like try one more time. So on 344 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,960 Speaker 1: that side, and then tell us as church volunteers, how 345 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,919 Speaker 1: can we better make those families feel welcome. 346 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,399 Speaker 2: Oh, I love to talk about this. So first of all, 347 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:07,879 Speaker 2: let's just look at the facts. A study by Baylor 348 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,199 Speaker 2: University came out in the spring. Forty eight percent of 349 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,480 Speaker 2: parents who have kids with disabilities have left at least 350 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:18,720 Speaker 2: one church. So that's almost half because either they weren't 351 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:22,840 Speaker 2: welcomed or the church told them we can't handle your kid, 352 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:28,880 Speaker 2: your kid can't come back. So there's a reality in that. 353 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,560 Speaker 2: And so for our families that maybe we look into 354 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:33,119 Speaker 2: community and say. 355 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:34,760 Speaker 3: Why aren't they coming? 356 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,159 Speaker 2: They're not coming because they may have already had a 357 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:41,080 Speaker 2: bad experience, or maybe they're getting bad reports at school 358 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:45,800 Speaker 2: and other environments and they just don't want another place 359 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:49,480 Speaker 2: telling them what the deficits are in their child. So 360 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,800 Speaker 2: to the church, I would say, first, make a plan. 361 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,479 Speaker 2: Make a plan for when somebody comes in with needs 362 00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:00,199 Speaker 2: that maybe you're not even sure how to address. Have 363 00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:03,440 Speaker 2: somebody that can talk to them in a calm manner 364 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,479 Speaker 2: as far as what is best for your child, and 365 00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 2: also get to know the kid. Don't just ask about 366 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:14,840 Speaker 2: what the challenges are, but as what do they love, 367 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:18,720 Speaker 2: what's their favorite toy, what do they like to do, 368 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,280 Speaker 2: Are there any songs that they like, what kind of music? 369 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:26,440 Speaker 2: Because for a parent of a kid who's different, they 370 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:29,680 Speaker 2: have so many conversations about challenges. And I've actually talked 371 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:32,040 Speaker 2: to parents they said, I just wish people would take 372 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,480 Speaker 2: the time to get to know my kid because my 373 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:38,040 Speaker 2: kid's amazing. Yeah, And so for that church, when I 374 00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:40,960 Speaker 2: say make a plan, there have been parents that share 375 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,720 Speaker 2: with me is that they'll go to a church, they'll 376 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,920 Speaker 2: talk about what's going on with their child, and they've 377 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:49,919 Speaker 2: actually had follows, heers or staff say oh, yikes, I 378 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:53,280 Speaker 2: don't know what to do with this. That doesn't feel welcoming. 379 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,720 Speaker 2: So watch what your face is. 380 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,920 Speaker 1: So even just pretending like okay, we're going to try 381 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,280 Speaker 1: to roll with this and understand thank you, and we 382 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,800 Speaker 1: are not good at this but you lead us as 383 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,800 Speaker 1: we're willing. We're willing, we'll give this our best. 384 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:12,000 Speaker 2: Shot, exactly exactly, Arleen. And if there's a child that 385 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:15,600 Speaker 2: has complex medical needs, you might have to say on 386 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:19,199 Speaker 2: that particular day, Hey I want I'm gonna call you 387 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,159 Speaker 2: back this week. Can I come to your house and 388 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,440 Speaker 2: bring you some coffee? Can we meet at a coffee 389 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:27,359 Speaker 2: shop and let's talk about how we make this work today. 390 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:28,760 Speaker 2: We're not able to do that. 391 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:29,560 Speaker 1: Yeah. 392 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,440 Speaker 2: I would say though that that should happen a lot 393 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:37,240 Speaker 2: less than it actually does because and this is this 394 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:41,040 Speaker 2: is to the churches. I think sometimes we're afraid. We're 395 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:44,399 Speaker 2: afraid about messing up. We're afraid that we don't have 396 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:49,040 Speaker 2: the right tools. The parents will help us if we 397 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:52,879 Speaker 2: will just calmly talk to them about their amazing and 398 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,159 Speaker 2: fearfully and wonderfully made child. 399 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,840 Speaker 1: We're going to talk in a second of the blessing 400 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,880 Speaker 1: of neurodivergence versus the curse. Before they get I get there, 401 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,800 Speaker 1: I want to ask about the mindset shift from they 402 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:09,080 Speaker 1: will not to they cannot. 403 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:15,320 Speaker 2: Right. So that's if we're looking at a kid and 404 00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:19,280 Speaker 2: we're just thinking they're being defiant and they are choosing 405 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:23,399 Speaker 2: so will not. We are going to respond in a 406 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,520 Speaker 2: much different way than if we look at the child 407 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:28,600 Speaker 2: and say, oh, in this moment, they actually can't. I'm 408 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:32,240 Speaker 2: not sure why they can't, but there's something going on. 409 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:37,840 Speaker 2: So when we look at kids understanding that there's more 410 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,439 Speaker 2: to the story than we know they all came in 411 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:45,520 Speaker 2: with a story, and then approach them in a manner 412 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:49,000 Speaker 2: where we're going, Okay, they actually can't do this right now, 413 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:52,000 Speaker 2: how can I help? And another thing I've heard people say, 414 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,399 Speaker 2: but they did it last week, and we need to 415 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:59,960 Speaker 2: just strike that kind of mindset because I mean, our lane. 416 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,960 Speaker 2: I'm sure you've had times where I mean I used 417 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:07,320 Speaker 2: to run and under great conditions of low humidity, and 418 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:08,960 Speaker 2: if I got a great night's sleep, I could run 419 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:09,600 Speaker 2: a lot farther. 420 00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:13,440 Speaker 1: Sure than yeah, run like that every single time you run. 421 00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:15,880 Speaker 2: Right, But then two days later I go out, it's 422 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,399 Speaker 2: twenty degrees hotter and humidity is off the charts, and 423 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,560 Speaker 2: I didn't sleep well and maybe I had ice cream 424 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,919 Speaker 2: before I went to bed. So that's fluctuating capacity. So 425 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:27,080 Speaker 2: a kid, just because the kid did it before, it 426 00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:28,520 Speaker 2: doesn't mean that they can do it at the moment. 427 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,800 Speaker 1: And that is true with any kid right or any adult, 428 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,520 Speaker 1: and help you understand how we can with that in mind, 429 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:39,040 Speaker 1: like you, it's not that you will not you cannot, 430 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:42,080 Speaker 1: but also that other side of hope that says, I 431 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,560 Speaker 1: see that you can get this. Talk us through that. 432 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:48,760 Speaker 2: Oh. I think what we're doing there, Arlene, is we're 433 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:53,240 Speaker 2: speaking to their potential rather than focusing on where they're 434 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:57,800 Speaker 2: not meeting expectations. We're giving them hope that they can 435 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:01,840 Speaker 2: do it. Especially for a kid whose brains wired differently. 436 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,600 Speaker 2: They are so often being told that they're not doing 437 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,800 Speaker 2: it right that they gin to believe that they just can't, 438 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,240 Speaker 2: that it's beyond what they can do. 439 00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:14,919 Speaker 3: So us working with them, speaking. 440 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:19,080 Speaker 2: Couraging to them, you know, encouraging them, that will help 441 00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:20,800 Speaker 2: them so much. I had a teacher that I was 442 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,280 Speaker 2: talking to that had a child that had a really 443 00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:28,440 Speaker 2: really hard background and was stealing in the room. Was 444 00:23:29,119 --> 00:23:32,119 Speaker 2: never admitting to it, was always lying, and she just 445 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:36,280 Speaker 2: wasn't sure what to do, so she had run out 446 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,560 Speaker 2: of everything else. So what she decided One days when 447 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,680 Speaker 2: that kid came in, she got down on his eye 448 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:44,360 Speaker 2: level and said, I love having you in my class. 449 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:48,800 Speaker 2: You were a leader. I watch kids in the class. 450 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:54,200 Speaker 2: Watch you. You have such great leadership skills and I want 451 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,600 Speaker 2: you to know that there is nothing that you can 452 00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,159 Speaker 2: do that it's going to change that. No matter what 453 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:03,280 Speaker 2: you do. I'm gonna love having a class. You've got 454 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:07,120 Speaker 2: this great character quality of a leader. This little elementary 455 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:10,800 Speaker 2: school kid started crying and admitted to something that he 456 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:13,080 Speaker 2: had done before she even asked him. And you know, 457 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,240 Speaker 2: it says God's kindness leads to repentance, and I think 458 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:19,840 Speaker 2: sometimes we forget that. Yeah, So when we're kind, we 459 00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:23,119 Speaker 2: speak to their potential, We let them know that they're 460 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:27,840 Speaker 2: with them, not always, but often they will then feel 461 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:29,040 Speaker 2: safe to share. 462 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:30,160 Speaker 3: Because that's another thing. 463 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:33,440 Speaker 2: If they don't feel safe, they're not going to tell 464 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:36,280 Speaker 2: you that they did something wrong. They're afraid to. 465 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,679 Speaker 1: And I know people need to get your book and 466 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:42,560 Speaker 1: follow you more boundless hope for every child to know more. 467 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:46,040 Speaker 1: But give us just that overview to help us understand 468 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:49,520 Speaker 1: what is going on in the mind of that autistic 469 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:53,560 Speaker 1: child and then give us why how we can lean 470 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:55,280 Speaker 1: to that's a blessing and not a curse. 471 00:24:56,920 --> 00:24:58,840 Speaker 2: Well, I'll tell you I have a grandson who's a 472 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,359 Speaker 2: He is autistic and he used very few words I 473 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:07,480 Speaker 2: have learned. When I take the time to just sit 474 00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:13,600 Speaker 2: with him, I learn so much. And those kids sometimes 475 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:18,280 Speaker 2: get it better than we get it. And he loves 476 00:25:18,359 --> 00:25:23,639 Speaker 2: reading his Jesus storybook Bible. He loves listening to Bible videos. 477 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,760 Speaker 2: And the other day he called me very upset. I could. 478 00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:29,119 Speaker 2: We were on FaceTime. I could see that he'd been crying, 479 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,440 Speaker 2: and he's showing me that he had a splinter taken 480 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:36,359 Speaker 2: out of his finger. And I said to him, oh, 481 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,720 Speaker 2: I will pray that you sleep better, and I'll pray 482 00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:43,800 Speaker 2: that that feels better. He got his little face got right. 483 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,720 Speaker 2: You know, you can just about see his nose in 484 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,359 Speaker 2: the phone screen. And he said, Now, this is a 485 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:52,080 Speaker 2: kid with very few words and often not a lot 486 00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:55,600 Speaker 2: of emotion. And he said, God, now, God now, God now. 487 00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:59,440 Speaker 2: So what he was telling me is, no, Gigi, don't 488 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:02,879 Speaker 2: pray later. I need you to pray now. And so 489 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:09,199 Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, of course, duh. And it's they're going 490 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:11,600 Speaker 2: to communicate to us in a way that's different than 491 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:14,720 Speaker 2: we might be used to though, yeah, and so that 492 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:15,560 Speaker 2: grows us. 493 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:18,920 Speaker 1: It's so beautiful, right, and then we can go away 494 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,679 Speaker 1: like God now God now, Like that's if you're going 495 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:23,720 Speaker 1: to say words. Those are the two words to say 496 00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:24,359 Speaker 1: over and over. 497 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:25,399 Speaker 2: That's right. 498 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:30,200 Speaker 1: So facetiming with real people fantastic. What do you think 499 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:34,800 Speaker 1: about screen time and ADHD and autism? 500 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:39,720 Speaker 2: It depends on the kid. I don't think we can say, Okay, 501 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,439 Speaker 2: if your kid is this age, they should have this 502 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:45,640 Speaker 2: many minutes of screen time three times a day. As 503 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,639 Speaker 2: the parents, we need to get to know our kids. 504 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:52,359 Speaker 2: There are some children with ADHD that even fifteen minutes 505 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:56,280 Speaker 2: after school of screen time will greatly affect their behavior. 506 00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,080 Speaker 2: For other kids it won't. 507 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:02,080 Speaker 3: So you need to experiment and figure out what works 508 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,480 Speaker 3: for your kid. For kids who are autistic, I have 509 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:08,400 Speaker 3: heard a lot of people come, well, it's really judging 510 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:10,480 Speaker 3: the parent. You know, a parent will go out to 511 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,440 Speaker 3: dinner and their. 512 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,960 Speaker 2: Autistic child will have an iPad with them, and people go, 513 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,200 Speaker 2: look at that. They're not even engaging with the kid. 514 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,639 Speaker 2: The kid, they're letting the iPad babies with the kid. 515 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:24,800 Speaker 2: Especially for some autistic kids, that is calming to them. 516 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,760 Speaker 2: It then allows the family to go out to dinner. 517 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,639 Speaker 2: It allows that child to go with the family to dinner. 518 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:35,879 Speaker 2: If that child didn't need the alternative to him, you know, 519 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,399 Speaker 2: if we say, okay, he shouldn't have his iPad, it 520 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:40,720 Speaker 2: mightn't be then that he ends up staying home and 521 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,320 Speaker 2: missing out on dinner out with the family. 522 00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:45,800 Speaker 3: So it's really looking at the kid. 523 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:51,840 Speaker 2: And obviously, no matter how a kid's brain is wired, 524 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:56,480 Speaker 2: they can figure out things on their pads and their 525 00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:59,480 Speaker 2: phones that we can't. So we need to make sure 526 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:01,920 Speaker 2: that control her in place. Our kids need to know 527 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:06,040 Speaker 2: that at any time we can look at their device, 528 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:08,760 Speaker 2: that we're going to have the passwords, that we're going 529 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:11,240 Speaker 2: to have protection on there, so things are sent to 530 00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:14,719 Speaker 2: us if they access you know, have open and honest 531 00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:19,040 Speaker 2: conversations with that. But there is no clear black and 532 00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:22,120 Speaker 2: white Oh this is how much time is the right 533 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:25,000 Speaker 2: amount of time? It's really it depends on the child. 534 00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:28,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, you quote in your book, Josh Shipp, a youth 535 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:32,119 Speaker 1: pastor that says every child is one carrying adult away 536 00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:36,760 Speaker 1: from being a success story. I really like that. Give 537 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:39,040 Speaker 1: us as we close, just give us some stories from 538 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:42,240 Speaker 1: your own life of what you've learned from your kids. 539 00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:51,520 Speaker 2: Oh gosh, our youngest we adopted her when she was ten. 540 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:53,560 Speaker 2: We brought her home. She was living in an Eastern 541 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:59,040 Speaker 2: European orphanage, and that's where I really learned about felt safety. 542 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,360 Speaker 2: I mean, we brought her home. We live in a 543 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:05,400 Speaker 2: cul de sac, I mean we rarely locked our doors, 544 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:11,000 Speaker 2: and we thought, oh, finally she's safe. But she didn't 545 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:14,239 Speaker 2: know she was safe. And that brand new bike that 546 00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:16,960 Speaker 2: we got her, you know, she wanted in her bedroom. 547 00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:22,240 Speaker 2: And so that helped me learn how people have stories 548 00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:27,520 Speaker 2: that we may never understand, and it will affect the 549 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:30,920 Speaker 2: way they behave and the behavior so often is not 550 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:34,840 Speaker 2: about me, you know, Arleen. I take offense sometimes I think, 551 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:36,959 Speaker 2: why are they doing this? Well, they're not doing it 552 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,640 Speaker 2: to me. They're responding to what has happened all those 553 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:42,840 Speaker 2: many years ago. And then I will say another thing, 554 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:44,200 Speaker 2: as far as what I've learned from my kids, and 555 00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:46,200 Speaker 2: I'm going to use my youngest as an example again, 556 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:48,920 Speaker 2: they sometimes hear from the Lord in ways that I 557 00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:51,560 Speaker 2: would never hear from An example of that is when 558 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,720 Speaker 2: she when she came home from that orphanage, she kept 559 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:55,560 Speaker 2: saying she wanted to bring her friends from the orphanage 560 00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:57,840 Speaker 2: here in the United States. And I'm like, oh, you're 561 00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:01,880 Speaker 2: so sweet, Let's send them socks and toothpaste. And we 562 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:03,959 Speaker 2: did that, but then she kept saying, let's bring him 563 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:06,960 Speaker 2: here for the summer. You are so cute, Let's put 564 00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:11,200 Speaker 2: in some markers, you know, let's do something else. And 565 00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:15,680 Speaker 2: that wasn't just a ten year old's silly little dream. 566 00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:18,320 Speaker 2: That was a vision from the Lord. And based on 567 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:23,320 Speaker 2: her continued pressing on that, we did bring fifteen kids 568 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:26,680 Speaker 2: from her orphanage to our area for this summer. She 569 00:30:26,760 --> 00:30:29,280 Speaker 2: ended up having four kids from her orphanage in our 570 00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:32,240 Speaker 2: little bitty high school in our town. If I had 571 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:37,520 Speaker 2: shut her down, we would not have experienced that amazing. 572 00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:39,600 Speaker 2: I mean it was. It was hard, it was super hard, 573 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:44,760 Speaker 2: and it was also super amazing. So our kids can 574 00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:48,160 Speaker 2: teach us about the Lord and our children. You don't 575 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:49,600 Speaker 2: have to be a certain age to get a vision 576 00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:52,440 Speaker 2: from the Lord. God speaks to even the youngest kids. 577 00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:56,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I'm remembering that. At the beginning of 578 00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:58,720 Speaker 1: the podcast, I said that we would go over how 579 00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:01,400 Speaker 1: does a parent know? Does does my child have ADHD? 580 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:05,640 Speaker 1: Is my teild autistic? Or am I just putting them 581 00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:07,160 Speaker 1: in front of a screen too much and they're just 582 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:10,400 Speaker 1: super hyper? Help that parent with those first steps. 583 00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:14,360 Speaker 2: Well, first of all, if you suspect that your child 584 00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:18,120 Speaker 2: that there may be something different about them, but they 585 00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:21,800 Speaker 2: need help. Go to professional. I think too often we 586 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,280 Speaker 2: talk to all of our friends and the lady at 587 00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:27,120 Speaker 2: the grocery store diagnoses them as you know, have you 588 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:31,200 Speaker 2: ever tried ridlin or write? She seems sad? What about prozac? 589 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:36,000 Speaker 2: We need to go to professionals. We need to. But 590 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:38,320 Speaker 2: what we can do to make that meeting with a 591 00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:45,200 Speaker 2: professional more impactful is be curious and notice things and 592 00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:50,960 Speaker 2: write things down. Oh, the meldowns always happen after school. Oh, 593 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:54,920 Speaker 2: they get most frustrated at this time of day. Yeah, 594 00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:58,959 Speaker 2: because that then will help the professional determine what's going on. 595 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:02,880 Speaker 2: Because I did talk to a mom who just talked 596 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:05,560 Speaker 2: about her child having meltdowns all the time. And so 597 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,680 Speaker 2: I'm like, really like all the time she did? Yeah, 598 00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:11,920 Speaker 2: all the time, I said, really like from morning till night. 599 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:14,760 Speaker 2: She's well, no, of course not. What we drilled down 600 00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:19,440 Speaker 2: to is after school and this child was autistic, and 601 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:23,400 Speaker 2: this child had put all their effort and energy into 602 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,160 Speaker 2: doing the right things during school then got home where 603 00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:29,280 Speaker 2: I'm like, congratulations, mom, you were a safe place where 604 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:33,040 Speaker 2: she can just milt to them. And so once she 605 00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:35,400 Speaker 2: realized that because what she was doing. As soon as 606 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:37,400 Speaker 2: the kid got home from school, they were working on homework. 607 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:41,600 Speaker 2: So they established like two hours of playing outside having 608 00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:45,120 Speaker 2: a snack, and you know what, sometimes the homework didn't 609 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:50,080 Speaker 2: get done, but the meltdowns decreased significantly. So be aware. 610 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:52,800 Speaker 2: See a professional. I love that. 611 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:55,080 Speaker 1: That's so good. Be a detective. Watch your kid take 612 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:58,160 Speaker 1: them to a professional. Kim, how can people find out 613 00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:00,480 Speaker 1: more about you? Tell us about your podcast and how 614 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:02,080 Speaker 1: people can connect with you. 615 00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:04,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, so if you go to Kimboda dot com, it'll 616 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,880 Speaker 2: have all the stuff. I wrote a book, Every Child Belongs, 617 00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,560 Speaker 2: and that's available on Amazon. You can get bulk discounts 618 00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:15,320 Speaker 2: on kimboda dot com also. And then Arlene, I have 619 00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:18,360 Speaker 2: a podcast too, Every Child Belongs, and it's really about 620 00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:23,040 Speaker 2: how can we create safe spaces where every kid can 621 00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:25,840 Speaker 2: find their people, their place in their purpose. So I 622 00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:27,680 Speaker 2: talked to a whole bunch of different kind of people 623 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:29,200 Speaker 2: about how we might do. 624 00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:31,280 Speaker 1: That, and we will have all those links in the 625 00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:38,640 Speaker 1: show notes. Thank you Kim so much. To learn more, 626 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:41,840 Speaker 1: you can visit kimboto dot com. That link is in 627 00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:46,320 Speaker 1: the show notes, and Botto is Botto dot com. Well, 628 00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:49,800 Speaker 1: my friends, I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas 629 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:54,160 Speaker 1: season filled with the joy of Christ and gratefulness for 630 00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:57,000 Speaker 1: the family that you have. A lot of people don't 631 00:33:57,040 --> 00:34:00,480 Speaker 1: have families, and sometimes you might not feel thankful in 632 00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:03,560 Speaker 1: the moment for yours, But truly we are all blessed 633 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:07,040 Speaker 1: to have children, to have our spouses. So go to 634 00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:09,839 Speaker 1: the twenty five Days of Christmas to help put more 635 00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:13,440 Speaker 1: celebration into these days leading up to the Lord's Birth. 636 00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:14,760 Speaker 2: The twenty five. 637 00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:17,080 Speaker 1: Days of Christmas. You can find that that link is 638 00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:20,680 Speaker 1: in the show notes, totally free resource for you. Remember, 639 00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:23,880 Speaker 1: you don't have to come from a happy home to 640 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:27,360 Speaker 1: create one. You two can have a happy home.