1
00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:08,720
Speaker 1: Life Audio. Welcome to the TAM podcast, where we share

2
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:12,560
Speaker 1: how grace, commitment, and cooperation can help couples live the

3
00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:17,000
Speaker 1: everyday moments of marriage together. Hey everyone, we're Ted and

4
00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:18,000
Speaker 1: Dashley Slater.

5
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,560
Speaker 2: How do you and your spouse tackle everyday conflicts?

6
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:22,320
Speaker 3: Today?

7
00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:25,200
Speaker 2: We share three of our favorite tools for working through

8
00:00:25,239 --> 00:00:32,280
Speaker 2: those smaller disagreements or disputes. Ted, something that I have

9
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,080
Speaker 2: learned about you but still often forget, is that you

10
00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:36,199
Speaker 2: startle easily.

11
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:39,680
Speaker 1: See. Yeah, I'm in my closet. I work in my

12
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:43,520
Speaker 1: closet with my two monitors and maybe music playing or something,

13
00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:48,159
Speaker 1: and I am like focused, I am like not mentally

14
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:51,280
Speaker 1: present in the room. I am in the matrix of

15
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,160
Speaker 1: website development, right vuoting whatnot?

16
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:58,080
Speaker 2: I do have to say, our master bedroom closet is

17
00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:03,120
Speaker 2: inexplicably huge, Like I love our house, but like the

18
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,560
Speaker 2: bedrooms in our daughter's room, or the closets in our

19
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:09,759
Speaker 2: daughter's bedrooms that was hard to say, that was really hard,

20
00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:15,039
Speaker 2: are really small. And our master bedroom closet is like

21
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:15,960
Speaker 2: a room.

22
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,240
Speaker 1: Right, Like if I was an aunt, it would take

23
00:01:18,319 --> 00:01:20,679
Speaker 1: probably a good ten minutes to get from one side

24
00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:21,120
Speaker 1: to the other.

25
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:25,480
Speaker 2: Right, So we basically turned half of it into your office,

26
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,759
Speaker 2: which is where we also record the podcast.

27
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:29,639
Speaker 1: We are in the closet, which is why.

28
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,959
Speaker 3: You don't see often see videos of us recording. It's

29
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,600
Speaker 3: very unglamorous closet, very.

30
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:39,120
Speaker 2: But okay, So because you startled easily, we decided to

31
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,680
Speaker 2: do something kind of silly and a little outside of

32
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:46,520
Speaker 2: the box. We hang a we hung I cannot talk today.

33
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:51,000
Speaker 2: We hung a bell on one of the walls.

34
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,240
Speaker 3: Outside of your office.

35
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,760
Speaker 2: Okay, so we hung it in our master bedroom bathroom

36
00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:56,720
Speaker 2: because the bathroom is between the bedroom.

37
00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,760
Speaker 1: It's like those dinner bells, yes, the.

38
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:04,680
Speaker 3: One where you're like, okay, bring the cows home. So

39
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,840
Speaker 3: we hung it there. We just did that tonight.

40
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,480
Speaker 1: I just put it up tonight. It's a little off kilter.

41
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,840
Speaker 3: It's a little it's very loud.

42
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,480
Speaker 2: One of our daughters is like, I could hear it downstairs,

43
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:17,320
Speaker 2: so you should not be jumping unless so.

44
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, the thing is it's about fifteen feet away from

45
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,200
Speaker 1: where I physically work. So yeah, if somebody's coming in

46
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,320
Speaker 1: and maintaining to talk to me, they can do the thump,

47
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,760
Speaker 1: or they can ring the bell, or if they just

48
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:33,600
Speaker 1: startled me, I my heart just have palpitations.

49
00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:36,640
Speaker 2: We've done this, so I don't give you a heart attack,

50
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,120
Speaker 2: but I am wondering if we've created a new problem.

51
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,600
Speaker 3: Do you think the bell is going to startle you?

52
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,440
Speaker 1: We'll test out if it does, you know, I'll just

53
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,960
Speaker 1: patch it up and paint toward the holes. We'll get

54
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,480
Speaker 1: a quietor bell, Yeah, a choir bell.

55
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:51,600
Speaker 3: Okay.

56
00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:55,440
Speaker 2: So this ongoing situation could easily have resulted in what

57
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:58,840
Speaker 2: we call an everyday conflict, which is just a disagreement

58
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:02,880
Speaker 2: that can happen regularly in daily life. For example, I

59
00:03:02,919 --> 00:03:05,080
Speaker 2: could have chosen to get offended that you jump when

60
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:06,160
Speaker 2: I enter a room.

61
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:08,440
Speaker 1: Like, what were you doing?

62
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,040
Speaker 3: Because this is not like, oh my heart leaps because

63
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,120
Speaker 3: I saw you. This is you terrified me.

64
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,280
Speaker 1: You brought me out of the matrix of the code development.

65
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,440
Speaker 3: But it is kind of like when your child is

66
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,480
Speaker 3: way too quiet, yea, and.

67
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,120
Speaker 2: You go to find them and they're doing something they

68
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,040
Speaker 2: shouldn't do.

69
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,960
Speaker 3: Like color on the wall. Although we were fortunate none

70
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,240
Speaker 3: of our kids colored on the wall.

71
00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,240
Speaker 1: Neighbor kids have though, yes.

72
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:39,040
Speaker 3: Neighbor kids tag the wall, okay.

73
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,040
Speaker 2: Or you know, you could have got annoyed that I

74
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,320
Speaker 2: forget to warn you.

75
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:46,240
Speaker 1: You know that I'm very intense and when I snap

76
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:49,600
Speaker 1: out of that, it's really startling. Don't you know how many?

77
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,120
Speaker 1: How many times do I have to say this?

78
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:56,640
Speaker 3: But we decided to not let it escalate into conflict

79
00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,480
Speaker 3: and instead handle it in a silly way by and

80
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:01,640
Speaker 3: hanging about.

81
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:04,520
Speaker 1: I need to pack it with something.

82
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,360
Speaker 2: Yes, another problem we may run into is getting up

83
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:08,280
Speaker 2: to go to the bathroom in the.

84
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:09,280
Speaker 3: Middle of the night.

85
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:13,920
Speaker 1: Well, we'll find out.

86
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:19,000
Speaker 3: Yes, we'll keep you updated, will write. I don't know

87
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,000
Speaker 3: what depends on how embarrassing it is.

88
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,279
Speaker 2: Okay, So after a short break, we're going to share

89
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:38,200
Speaker 2: three strategies for tackling everyday conflicts. Today we are sharing

90
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,560
Speaker 2: three strategies for tackling everyday conflict. Some of these we

91
00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,960
Speaker 2: have talked about on the podcast before, but I think

92
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,960
Speaker 2: it's nice to have, yeah.

93
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,400
Speaker 1: One episode where you're just combining the.

94
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,920
Speaker 2: Right where we're bringing them in and talking about them,

95
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:54,120
Speaker 2: because it's nice to have them in one place. So

96
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,120
Speaker 2: the first one is the break room.

97
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,520
Speaker 1: Like physically, there's like a room in the house, like

98
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:00,120
Speaker 1: a safe.

99
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:07,360
Speaker 2: I'll get there, okay, Yeah, I get there. So when

100
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,359
Speaker 2: you and I worked in offices outside the home, we

101
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:14,000
Speaker 2: both understood the importance of a breakroom. Like breakrooms are

102
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,520
Speaker 2: used to get coffee, eat lunch, and in the case

103
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,599
Speaker 2: of TV shows like The Office, they're place to hold secret,

104
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,000
Speaker 2: non work related meetings, such as the Finer Things Club.

105
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:28,000
Speaker 2: But breakrooms aren't just for real world offices or for

106
00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:31,120
Speaker 2: TV ones like. We have one in our marriage, but

107
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,960
Speaker 2: it's not the kind with a coffee maker or refrigerator,

108
00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,880
Speaker 2: and we discovered it during our first few months of marriage.

109
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,800
Speaker 1: Yes, explain, Okay, So we.

110
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:42,560
Speaker 3: Had gotten into a fight. I think it was Valentine's

111
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:43,720
Speaker 3: Day and.

112
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:47,880
Speaker 2: Ted, yes, I think we'll come back to in the

113
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:48,479
Speaker 2: next one.

114
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,240
Speaker 3: We'll come back to why we got in a fight.

115
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,040
Speaker 3: So hang on, but Ted, you.

116
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,640
Speaker 2: Did something that went on to shape how we handled

117
00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:56,719
Speaker 2: conflict in the future.

118
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:58,160
Speaker 1: I broke down in tears.

119
00:05:58,760 --> 00:05:59,000
Speaker 3: No.

120
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,799
Speaker 2: No, you were flustered and frustrated, and you blurted out.

121
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,320
Speaker 1: I wasn't communicating very well.

122
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:06,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're like, I can't talk about this right now.

123
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:09,200
Speaker 2: So you walked up the stairs and into our bedroom

124
00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:10,080
Speaker 2: and shut the door.

125
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:15,120
Speaker 1: Yeah that's pretty extreme. That was like twenty something years ago, right,

126
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:19,280
Speaker 1: So I don't do that anymore. I do it a

127
00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:19,919
Speaker 1: little differently.

128
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,680
Speaker 2: Yes, well, I mean it turns out that it was

129
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,800
Speaker 2: one of the best things. I think you could have done.

130
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:26,880
Speaker 1: Right, because I could have dug myself deeper into trouble

131
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:30,000
Speaker 1: or said something that I'd regret, or something that didn't

132
00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:32,760
Speaker 1: mean because I hadn't had time to think about it right.

133
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,600
Speaker 2: And I don't think it was just in that moment

134
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,800
Speaker 2: that it was a good thing, but for our marriage

135
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:40,360
Speaker 2: long term, because you instinctively knew that you couldn't productively

136
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,200
Speaker 2: work through the conflict with me in what was your

137
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,680
Speaker 2: current emotional state. You needed to take a break to

138
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:46,240
Speaker 2: calm down.

139
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:46,840
Speaker 1: I did.

140
00:06:47,279 --> 00:06:50,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, And only after taking a break could you work

141
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:53,200
Speaker 2: through the issue in a healthy, authentic, and unpressured way.

142
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,640
Speaker 2: And after I got over my bewilderment, I realized that

143
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,719
Speaker 2: I needed a break too, So once you came back,

144
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:02,600
Speaker 2: were both able to address the conflict in a way

145
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:05,520
Speaker 2: that benefited rather than wounded our relationship.

146
00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:06,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's good.

147
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,760
Speaker 3: So, and I think we fine tuned this over the years.

148
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:10,800
Speaker 1: Oh absolutely, we have.

149
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,000
Speaker 2: Like now one of us doesn't just leave the room

150
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:16,000
Speaker 2: most of the time we have our moments, but instead

151
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,720
Speaker 2: we try to say something like I need some time

152
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,600
Speaker 2: by myself to think about this, or I need a

153
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,760
Speaker 2: break or I can't talk about this right now, Let's

154
00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:25,880
Speaker 2: finish this later.

155
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:30,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, so that we know that the other person isn't.

156
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,720
Speaker 1: Just storing off not wanting to deal with it, right.

157
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,400
Speaker 2: I mean I do have the when they have the

158
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,840
Speaker 2: fight flight flight and freeze.

159
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, I am a flight Okay, that I think that

160
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:46,080
Speaker 3: is my I think reaction.

161
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:47,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can understand that.

162
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,360
Speaker 3: But I'm trying to work on.

163
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,119
Speaker 1: That, of course, always working.

164
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:56,320
Speaker 2: So and I think that one caution about the breakroom

165
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,880
Speaker 2: that we've learned also in using it is to be

166
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,720
Speaker 2: careful not to use it as an excuse to avoid

167
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,000
Speaker 2: dealing with an issue.

168
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,000
Speaker 1: Right, Because you go to the breakroom for a break,

169
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,720
Speaker 1: not like the set up house.

170
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:08,680
Speaker 3: Right.

171
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:13,200
Speaker 2: It's a place to temporarily step away from your current

172
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,040
Speaker 2: work or the stress of your current environment, and then

173
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,760
Speaker 2: you come back to the work at hand.

174
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:21,520
Speaker 1: And we both understand there is this thing called the breakroom, right,

175
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,400
Speaker 1: So if one of us needs to take a break,

176
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,880
Speaker 1: the other understands, Okay, I get it.

177
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, And when you use it, it should always have

178
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:34,200
Speaker 2: that intention is that you will come back to work

179
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,360
Speaker 2: through the conflict in a way that benefits the long

180
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:37,280
Speaker 2: term help.

181
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:40,800
Speaker 1: Down after you've had time to mull over what may

182
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,240
Speaker 1: have triggered the conflict and that kind of stuff. But

183
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,600
Speaker 1: kind of emotions and kind of motives are going on

184
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:47,520
Speaker 1: inside the heart and so on.

185
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:50,640
Speaker 2: Right, And we actually had an episode on why we

186
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,440
Speaker 2: go to bed mad and how it's helped our marriage.

187
00:08:54,559 --> 00:08:57,839
Speaker 2: This is why sometimes we can't process it. Sometimes it's

188
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:03,520
Speaker 2: we don't know how to or sometimes retired or hungry angry. Yeah,

189
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,800
Speaker 2: we just need a break, yep. Okay, So if you're

190
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:11,240
Speaker 2: listening and you're having trouble resolving an argument, take a break. Yeah,

191
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:14,440
Speaker 2: give yourself some space to individually calm down and process,

192
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,480
Speaker 2: and then come back and work through the conflict. Because

193
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:22,000
Speaker 2: cooler heads prevail, as they say, all right, you're ready

194
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:22,520
Speaker 2: for number.

195
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,280
Speaker 1: Two, let's prevail.

196
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,840
Speaker 3: Okay, the motive scale, what do you mean by that?

197
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,679
Speaker 2: So we've talked on the podcast before about rescuing a

198
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:36,240
Speaker 2: day gone wrong, and I think any everyday conflict has

199
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,600
Speaker 2: the ability to make a day go wrong if we're

200
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:42,280
Speaker 2: too quick to assume the worst of each other. Right, So,

201
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,400
Speaker 2: like how you and I respond to each other's words

202
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,679
Speaker 2: and actions makes a difference in the day to day

203
00:09:47,679 --> 00:09:51,320
Speaker 2: of our relationship and often the things that I'm tempted

204
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:56,679
Speaker 2: to be offended by. Aren't things you intend is offensive. Okay, So,

205
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,640
Speaker 2: like I said, we were going to tell the story

206
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,719
Speaker 2: of why we were in that fight Valentine's Day, and

207
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:02,000
Speaker 2: I'm sure we've told this story.

208
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:06,079
Speaker 1: You had expectations, and I was like, eh.

209
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,240
Speaker 3: No, we only been married a few months, and I

210
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,520
Speaker 3: think I'd gained ten pounds.

211
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,640
Speaker 1: Oh yes, and.

212
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,600
Speaker 2: Now that I'm in my forties, like, gaining ten pounds

213
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:13,959
Speaker 2: does not seem like I say.

214
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,640
Speaker 1: Something or do something. Oh, remind me, Yes.

215
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,880
Speaker 3: It was more than five years ago. Yes, you don't remember.

216
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:19,520
Speaker 1: Remind me.

217
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,120
Speaker 2: I think I was like feeling really insecure and I

218
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,240
Speaker 2: said something and you responded with.

219
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,720
Speaker 3: Well, maybe you could change your diet.

220
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:29,920
Speaker 1: Huh. That sounds like something a newly what guy would say.

221
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,679
Speaker 3: It has not had a lot of practice.

222
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:36,000
Speaker 2: And so I got hurt and offended because I just

223
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,360
Speaker 2: assumed you were calling me.

224
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,920
Speaker 3: Fats but you weren't.

225
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:42,320
Speaker 1: No, But at that time, weren't we eating late, like

226
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:45,280
Speaker 1: starting dinner at like nine something really absurd like that.

227
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,440
Speaker 2: Yes, but that's because you had a really weird work schedule.

228
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was very weird. I'd go to work late

229
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:52,360
Speaker 1: come back late.

230
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, you would get home at like seven or eight,

231
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,720
Speaker 2: and so to eat some dinner together, we had to

232
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,160
Speaker 2: eat late. And I think people tend to gain some

233
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:06,480
Speaker 2: wait after they get married. You are, yes, you are?

234
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:11,720
Speaker 2: So your subtext way back then wasn't yeah, you sure

235
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:14,920
Speaker 2: are fat, Even though that's what I might have heard.

236
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:17,640
Speaker 2: The truth was that you wanted to see me happy,

237
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:21,280
Speaker 2: and my extra poundage was making me unhappy. So I

238
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:25,880
Speaker 2: think that my complaint translated to please fix problem, right, and.

239
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:29,720
Speaker 3: If I stopped to consider that, But I don't quite.

240
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,599
Speaker 3: I don't think I understood yet that you were a

241
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:33,440
Speaker 3: fix it man, as.

242
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,280
Speaker 2: I like to call it, as many husbands are right

243
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:37,160
Speaker 2: exactly as.

244
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,040
Speaker 1: Well as oh there's a problem, let me fix it,

245
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:42,480
Speaker 1: rather than let's pause and feel and think and go right.

246
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,120
Speaker 3: And this is not just a I mean this issue

247
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:50,320
Speaker 3: right here of you know, women wanting to share and

248
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,959
Speaker 3: men wanting to fix. It's not just a newly wodna problem,

249
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:54,679
Speaker 3: you know.

250
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:59,880
Speaker 2: But I could have assumed that you were trying to

251
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:03,080
Speaker 2: be helpful, not hurtful, and interpreted your words through a

252
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:07,959
Speaker 2: more gracious filter and let your good motives outweigh my offense.

253
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:11,839
Speaker 1: It's good yeah, I agree, but I didn't then well, I.

254
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:15,880
Speaker 2: Mean I now right, and I you know, I have

255
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,320
Speaker 2: come a long way in twenty something years in dealing

256
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:20,440
Speaker 2: with conflict.

257
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,959
Speaker 3: I definitely did not know how to deal with conflicts

258
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:24,720
Speaker 3: when we got married.

259
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:29,520
Speaker 1: I there was avoidance or sweeping under rugs. There was

260
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,480
Speaker 1: just ignoring it.

261
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:35,440
Speaker 2: Well, and sometimes I thought, okay, like you wouldn't know

262
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,640
Speaker 2: I was upset. Oh yes, But I wouldn't tell you

263
00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:40,880
Speaker 2: as I was upset because I would internalize it and think,

264
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,280
Speaker 2: if I can just work through it, then will be okay,

265
00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:47,640
Speaker 2: And then a couple days later i'd be I would

266
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,120
Speaker 2: seemingly be fine, but the issue was never dealt with,

267
00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:54,160
Speaker 2: so of course it would come up again later because

268
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:57,440
Speaker 2: it's still there even if I thought I had processed it,

269
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:58,520
Speaker 2: because we hadn't.

270
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:58,920
Speaker 1: Worked through it right.

271
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,920
Speaker 2: So I have learned a lot. And you know, offence

272
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:07,800
Speaker 2: doesn't leave room for grace. When we're operating in hurt

273
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,920
Speaker 2: and indignation. We don't give our spouse the benefit of

274
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,920
Speaker 2: the doubt. But imagine if we made it a daily

275
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,560
Speaker 2: habit to assume the best. And I think you and

276
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:17,880
Speaker 2: I try to. We don't always succeed, but I think

277
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:21,160
Speaker 2: that's a goal, right, And when we feel like the

278
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,440
Speaker 2: other one's not succeeding, we might.

279
00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:24,880
Speaker 3: Say, why are you assuming the worst?

280
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,320
Speaker 2: And it might be that the other one isn't. But

281
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,480
Speaker 2: at least we've thrown it up ron we can talk

282
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:33,760
Speaker 2: about it, right, Okay, So for those of you listening,

283
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,400
Speaker 2: the next time your spouse says or does something you

284
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:40,400
Speaker 2: might naturally be offended by, hit stop on any knee

285
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,880
Speaker 2: jerk reaction, take a moment to weigh or carefully consider

286
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,760
Speaker 2: what their motives may have been. And I say, like,

287
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,160
Speaker 2: when you're weighing what their motives are? I heard I

288
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,240
Speaker 2: think it was Greg and Aaron Smalley on one of

289
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:58,199
Speaker 2: the Focused podcasts. They were talking about how they try

290
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:02,760
Speaker 2: to frame or weigh things within what they know to

291
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:08,000
Speaker 2: be the character of their spouse. So if your spouse

292
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:09,120
Speaker 2: says something that.

293
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:11,719
Speaker 1: Offends you, it seems out of character, it.

294
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:15,240
Speaker 2: Seems out of character, go back to their character and say, oh,

295
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:19,240
Speaker 2: within what I know of their character, what might they

296
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:21,920
Speaker 2: have meant by that? And you can always talk about it,

297
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,480
Speaker 2: but maybe you take a break room first.

298
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,600
Speaker 1: If you're really outset, that's good.

299
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,120
Speaker 2: You know, I mean, I think we need to remind

300
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,080
Speaker 2: ourselves of that famous New Testament chapter on love where

301
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:34,560
Speaker 2: Paul writes that love is ever ready to believe the

302
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,600
Speaker 2: best of every person. That's First Corinthians thirteen seven and

303
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:41,200
Speaker 2: the amplified. So you know, after we've taken time to

304
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,800
Speaker 2: do this, we can be direct with each other. We

305
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,960
Speaker 2: can ask what fueled actions or words, but we also

306
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:49,480
Speaker 2: need to be sure to listen carefully and ask questions

307
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:52,840
Speaker 2: if something isn't clear. And for those of you listening,

308
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:55,640
Speaker 2: I have one caution for this too. When you are

309
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,000
Speaker 2: direct with your spouse, be careful not to put them

310
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,360
Speaker 2: on the defensive. You'll get a lot f further in

311
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,280
Speaker 2: your conversation if your spouse feels like you're genuinely trying

312
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,520
Speaker 2: to understand their driving motivation and really trying.

313
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,160
Speaker 3: To assume the best.

314
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,640
Speaker 2: And I think good ways not to put that. We've

315
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:13,640
Speaker 2: learned to hopefully not put each other on the defensive.

316
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:18,880
Speaker 2: Is I feel like not? You did make it about

317
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:19,560
Speaker 2: your feelings?

318
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:21,160
Speaker 3: Okay?

319
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,800
Speaker 2: Good, Well we're going to take another short break and

320
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,840
Speaker 2: when we come back, we'll share one more tool for

321
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:38,280
Speaker 2: tackling everyday conflicts. So far, we've talked about two tools

322
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,200
Speaker 2: for tackling everyday conflicts. They're the breakroom and the mode

323
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,920
Speaker 2: of scale. Are you ready for the third one?

324
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:43,400
Speaker 1: I am?

325
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:45,000
Speaker 3: Okay. This is a favorite of ours.

326
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,720
Speaker 1: It is. If you've listened to more than this episode,

327
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:50,400
Speaker 1: you may have heard us bring this up before. But

328
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:54,320
Speaker 1: it's so good, so practical. Yes, you know, I don't

329
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,040
Speaker 1: think we mind mentioning it again.

330
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:59,040
Speaker 3: No, it's make a communication sandwich.

331
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:05,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, so Ted you have I don't think you've worn

332
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,480
Speaker 2: it recently, but you have a royal blue T shirt

333
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:10,440
Speaker 2: that reads cool story, babe, Now make me a sandwich.

334
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:15,440
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I don't wear that out much. No, And

335
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,640
Speaker 1: some of you people would interpret that as me being

336
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:18,600
Speaker 1: just you know.

337
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:22,080
Speaker 2: That right, Yeah, some of you listening may have cringed

338
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,680
Speaker 2: at that, wondering why we Cringey admit that he owns

339
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:25,280
Speaker 2: the shirts.

340
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:26,640
Speaker 1: My pastor gave it to me.

341
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:27,880
Speaker 3: Yeah.

342
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,440
Speaker 2: Well, And when it comes to sandwich shirts at our house,

343
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,680
Speaker 2: context is king like, do you want to tell the

344
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:33,560
Speaker 2: story of how we got it?

345
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,200
Speaker 3: Or you want me to tell a story? I will.

346
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:35,520
Speaker 2: Yeah.

347
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,560
Speaker 1: We're actually at church and the pastor was talking about

348
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,880
Speaker 1: this topic. No, no, something.

349
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,680
Speaker 3: It was a marriage series, I believe.

350
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:46,920
Speaker 1: And they had a shirt printed up and they threw

351
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:48,640
Speaker 1: it out in the audience and the person next to

352
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,640
Speaker 1: us got it and he was like, no, wait am

353
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:56,120
Speaker 1: I touching that? Like the way she looks, I think

354
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,440
Speaker 1: I may have asked, can I have that? And he's

355
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:58,240
Speaker 1: like yes, yeah.

356
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,000
Speaker 3: His wife was like, don't you dare pick that up?

357
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,120
Speaker 2: You can see it in her face, and you and

358
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:03,640
Speaker 2: I are like giggling because.

359
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:04,680
Speaker 1: We're Ashley gets the joke.

360
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:10,280
Speaker 2: It's absurd, right, We're like the communication sandwich, that's funny. Yeah,

361
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:14,280
Speaker 2: So the communication sandwich is the practice of using praise

362
00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:18,399
Speaker 2: and affirmation to sandwich constructive criticism. So much like you

363
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,560
Speaker 2: place liver worst. I don't know why I always use

364
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:21,160
Speaker 2: liver worst.

365
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,159
Speaker 1: Have you ever had liver worst? I don't know this

366
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,960
Speaker 1: should idea A liver worst is gross, but the actual

367
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,720
Speaker 1: taste is surprising. I think good. And I say that

368
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:29,840
Speaker 1: as someone who hates.

369
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,040
Speaker 3: Liver Okay, well, maybe able to try it? Okay.

370
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:36,040
Speaker 2: So maybe much like you'd place ham or bacon because

371
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,639
Speaker 2: those are more popular choices.

372
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,560
Speaker 1: Oh, you're right, because you want something that's not tasty.

373
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,199
Speaker 3: Okay, So liver worst is perfect?

374
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:44,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's for most.

375
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:49,159
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, yeah, between two slices of freshly baked

376
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:50,040
Speaker 2: sour dough brown.

377
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:51,000
Speaker 1: That's the best.

378
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:55,240
Speaker 2: Yes, Okay, So most of us swallow criticism better when

379
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,359
Speaker 2: we know that the person giving it to us also

380
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,280
Speaker 2: recognize this and appreciates what we're doing.

381
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:01,920
Speaker 3: Well, just like swallow liver worst betterface between so.

382
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:08,880
Speaker 2: Right, So, a communication sandwich allows us to share what

383
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,080
Speaker 2: we'd like to see changed in a way that doesn't

384
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:12,760
Speaker 2: put our spouse on the defensive.

385
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,879
Speaker 3: So do you want to give an example of a

386
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:16,400
Speaker 3: communication sandwich.

387
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:22,040
Speaker 1: I appreciate the way that you introduce this topic. Maybe

388
00:18:22,119 --> 00:18:25,360
Speaker 1: you could have a little more energy the next time

389
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:28,320
Speaker 1: you bring it up, but it's extremely valuable that you

390
00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:30,280
Speaker 1: brought this up, and it's very helpful for our listeners

391
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,199
Speaker 1: and for us to remember.

392
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,320
Speaker 3: Nice Okay, I didn't really.

393
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,800
Speaker 1: Mean that criticism. By the way, your tone, your energy

394
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:37,960
Speaker 1: is fine.

395
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:39,760
Speaker 2: I'm trying to think of one that could be like

396
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,800
Speaker 2: applicable to just like, Okay, I appreciate that.

397
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,560
Speaker 1: You care about your hygiene. Maybe you shouldn't pick your

398
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:50,560
Speaker 1: nose in public, but I'm so glad that you can

399
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:53,680
Speaker 1: breathe freely. Now that's a good one.

400
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:53,960
Speaker 2: Right.

401
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,960
Speaker 3: I love how you cook dinner.

402
00:18:57,119 --> 00:19:02,600
Speaker 2: Oh, you make like the best beef strogan off. But

403
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:07,280
Speaker 2: sometimes like the sauce splatters on the stove and then

404
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:10,560
Speaker 2: it just like hardens and it's really hard to clean off.

405
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,879
Speaker 2: So maybe when you're making beef strogle off you can

406
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,639
Speaker 2: kind of clean it up at the time, because I

407
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,320
Speaker 2: definitely want you to keep making beef strogan off because

408
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,120
Speaker 2: it's so good.

409
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:26,760
Speaker 3: Yes, coffee food, Yeah, love languages right there.

410
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,159
Speaker 1: That's good. It was a good example. Both of our

411
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:29,880
Speaker 1: examples were good.

412
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,000
Speaker 2: Yes, I don't think you actually splattered stuff when you

413
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,280
Speaker 2: made the beef strogan off the other.

414
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:38,760
Speaker 3: Day, but yeah, okay, right, but you know, I've learned

415
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,560
Speaker 3: to be like, hey, he cooked, I can clean up,

416
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:42,960
Speaker 3: so okay.

417
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,680
Speaker 2: So I do have a caution on this one because

418
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,840
Speaker 2: I've had a caution for each of them. And it's

419
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:51,760
Speaker 2: important that the criticism is constructive, not destructive. And one

420
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:55,840
Speaker 2: way to keep it constructive is to use it's me approach.

421
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:59,520
Speaker 2: And this might bring up the cliche breakup line it's

422
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:02,880
Speaker 2: not you, it's me, but it's not. Rather, it focuses on,

423
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,639
Speaker 2: like I mentioned in the last one, how we phrase

424
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:08,920
Speaker 2: our feelings in the midst of conflict. So, for example,

425
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,680
Speaker 2: I've learned that sometimes it's helpful to verbally present an

426
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,359
Speaker 2: issue as about me and my feelings, not about what

427
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,000
Speaker 2: I feel like you Ted may have done or what

428
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:16,919
Speaker 2: your motives might be.

429
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,800
Speaker 1: Rightly, when it's not an issue of morality, which is

430
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:22,320
Speaker 1: an issue of preference.

431
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:26,080
Speaker 2: Right, And that's more of what we're talking these everyday conflicts.

432
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:31,560
Speaker 2: We're not talking extreme marriage issues, right, but yeah, placing

433
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:35,320
Speaker 2: the emphasis on feelings rather than on accusations can help

434
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:39,680
Speaker 2: defense us from rising great all right, Well.

435
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:40,520
Speaker 3: To recap.

436
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:45,040
Speaker 2: Three tools for tackling everyday conflicts are one the Brikroom,

437
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:50,480
Speaker 2: two the Motive Scale, and three the communications Sandwich. So

438
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:52,880
Speaker 2: after this break, we'll be back with this week's as

439
00:20:52,960 --> 00:21:04,280
Speaker 2: Time challenge. For this week's That's Time Challenge, I think

440
00:21:04,359 --> 00:21:08,360
Speaker 2: listeners should pick one of the tools to try when

441
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,600
Speaker 2: they face conflict with their spouse.

442
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:14,560
Speaker 1: These things are so bite sized I think they should

443
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:18,480
Speaker 1: do too. Why not? You could do all three?

444
00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:20,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, And seriously, these are.

445
00:21:20,359 --> 00:21:22,879
Speaker 1: Little bite sized things for everyday conflict.

446
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:23,600
Speaker 3: Right.

447
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,520
Speaker 2: And if you're listening to this and you're like, hey,

448
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:29,080
Speaker 2: we don't really have conflict, then you're maybe not talking.

449
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:30,639
Speaker 1: Right.

450
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:31,000
Speaker 2: Right.

451
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:34,040
Speaker 1: It's always going to be a difference in preference or

452
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,160
Speaker 1: a difference in something.

453
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:40,120
Speaker 2: There's always opportunity for conflict. I mean there was something

454
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,439
Speaker 2: I don't even remember what it is anymore. There was

455
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,440
Speaker 2: something as we were getting ready to record, you did

456
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:50,080
Speaker 2: something and I could have said something that No, I

457
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:51,840
Speaker 2: don't even remember when it is because I let it

458
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:52,520
Speaker 2: go in that moment.

459
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,520
Speaker 3: I was like, Eh, whatever.

460
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,840
Speaker 1: Okay, I don't that's great.

461
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:58,960
Speaker 3: It was something though that I could have.

462
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,320
Speaker 1: Said something on the podcast if you like.

463
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,480
Speaker 3: No, I legitimately cannot remember, and.

464
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,080
Speaker 2: I think it's because I chose to let it go

465
00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:10,920
Speaker 2: and overlook it and it's gone, all right, wonderful. Well,

466
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,200
Speaker 2: thank you for joining us on the Team US podcast.

467
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,200
Speaker 2: If you've enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast

468
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,320
Speaker 2: and we'd love to have you leave a review over

469
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:21,320
Speaker 2: at Apple Podcasts. We're looking forward to next time as

470
00:22:21,359 --> 00:22:24,479
Speaker 2: we keep talking about how Grace's commitment and cooperation can

471
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:30,359
Speaker 2: help couples live the everyday moments of marriage together. Team

472
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,960
Speaker 2: US with Ted and Ashley Slater is a production of

473
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,879
Speaker 2: live audio and sale media. If you liked what you

474
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,320
Speaker 2: heard today, please take a second to rate and review

475
00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:41,360
Speaker 2: the podcast in your favorite podcast app so that more

476
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:44,879
Speaker 2: listeners like you can find the show. For more faith filled,

477
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:53,960
Speaker 2: inspirational podcasts, visit us at lifeaudio dot com.