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Speaker 1: Life Audio. Hey there, it's Dana se and you're listening

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Speaker 1: to the Rebuilding US Marriage podcast. Today's episode is a

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Speaker 1: sweet repeat. If you've been listening to the podcast for

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Speaker 1: a while, you know that these are some of the

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Speaker 1: best of the best episodes that I choose to rerun

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Speaker 1: for you. Many of you have started listening to the

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Speaker 1: podcast within the last year, and you might not be

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Speaker 1: caught up on all the episodes. Some of you are ogs.

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Speaker 1: Some of you you've been listening to this podcast since

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Speaker 1: I started in August of twenty twenty, and you are

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Speaker 1: the real MVPs and I'm just so grateful that you've

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Speaker 1: been on this journey with me. But even if you're

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Speaker 1: a brand new listener, I like to repeat some of

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Speaker 1: these episodes so that you don't necessarily have to go

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Speaker 1: all the way through the catalog to find some of

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Speaker 1: the best of the best. Today, I have a heavy

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Speaker 1: heart because I've found out again very recently, that someone

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Speaker 1: that I know and love has found out that their

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Speaker 1: spouse has been unfaithful to them. These situations break my

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Speaker 1: heart every single time because infidelity is one hundred percent

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Speaker 1: unnecessary and it is one hundred percent avoidable. It is

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Speaker 1: also very destructive, not only to your marriage obviously, but

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Speaker 1: it's destructive to both spouses involved. It's also destructive to

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Speaker 1: the other man or the other woman. It's destructive to

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Speaker 1: your children if you have them. It's destructive to your community,

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Speaker 1: to your friends, to your family, to the people who

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Speaker 1: love you, the people who support you. And I'm always

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Speaker 1: compassionate toward couples who are experiencing infidelity because this was

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Speaker 1: my story. I know what it's like to find out

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Speaker 1: that your spouse has been unfaithful. I know what it's

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Speaker 1: like to be unfaithful. So today I want to talk

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Speaker 1: to you about what is needed in order for you

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Speaker 1: to rebuild. Usually when couples go through in fidelity, the

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Speaker 1: very first thing that someone will tell you is you

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Speaker 1: need to get to counseling. You need to go to

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Speaker 1: counseling and listen. Friends. I have a huge respect for

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Speaker 1: mental health professionals, for therapists, for psychologists, for marriage coaches,

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Speaker 1: but that's not always the best place to start. Often

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Speaker 1: counselors and other professionals are trying to help you to

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Speaker 1: repair your marriage, but not all of them actually help

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Speaker 1: you to repair you to look at what is broken

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Speaker 1: inside of you, and let's focus on that. A good

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Speaker 1: friend and fellow marriage therapist, we're having a conversation one

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Speaker 1: day and he was saying, when I help couples with infidelity,

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Speaker 1: I work with the spouse who was cheated on, so

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Speaker 1: the wounded spouse, I work with them first, one on one,

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Speaker 1: before I ever touched the marriage. And I was like,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I have a lot of respect for that,

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Speaker 1: because a lot of people don't do that. A lot

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Speaker 1: of times people will bring you into their office, you'll

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Speaker 1: spend two and a half years in counseling, You'll talk

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Speaker 1: about your problems for two and a half years, and

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Speaker 1: nothing really changes. I want to talk to you all

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Speaker 1: today about something that I believe is changing the game

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Speaker 1: in infidelity. And and I obviously I'm biased because it's

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Speaker 1: a program that I created. But the reason that I'm

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Speaker 1: saying this is because of the feedback that I'm receiving

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Speaker 1: from my clients who have gone through my flagship program

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Speaker 1: called Infidelity Intensive. Y'all, when I was going through infidelity,

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Speaker 1: this was like the first time that I really started

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Speaker 1: reaching out for help. Because if you know our story,

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Speaker 1: you know that Sean and I went through cycles in fidelity,

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Speaker 1: but I remember, early in the stage of me trying

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Speaker 1: to figure out, Okay, how in the world are we

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Speaker 1: going to fix this marriage? I started googling. I don't

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Speaker 1: even remember, obviously it's been so many years ago. I

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Speaker 1: don't remember what I googled, but I put something in Google,

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Speaker 1: and this lady's like pdf came up. It wasn't even

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Speaker 1: a book. It wasn't even like I ordered a book

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Speaker 1: from Amazon. It was just this woman who had written

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Speaker 1: about her story in a PDF. And I devoured that thing.

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Speaker 1: And I wish that I could tell you the name

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Speaker 1: of the PDF. The lady's name, I do not remember.

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Speaker 1: All I know was that lady knew me, that lady

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Speaker 1: saw me, and she helped me. And I know that

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Speaker 1: there are some of you right now you have not

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Speaker 1: told a soul. You are so full of embarrassment and

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Speaker 1: shame and fear and regret and questions. And I want

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Speaker 1: you to know I know you, and I see you,

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Speaker 1: and I understand, and you do not have to go

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Speaker 1: through this on your own. So over the next several minutes,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna hear all about my flagship program called Infidelity Intensive,

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Speaker 1: why I created it, and what the program entails Now

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Speaker 1: I went back and I re listened, of course, to

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Speaker 1: this episode before. I'm you know, doing this repeat today,

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Speaker 1: and I'm kind of flying through these modules, y'all. Like, honestly,

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Speaker 1: I'm like so many people have listened to this episode,

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Speaker 1: but I fly through these modules. And so if you

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Speaker 1: need to pause and just kind of like take your

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Speaker 1: time and think about, Okay, what am I going to

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Speaker 1: get out of that one? This podcast episode is going

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Speaker 1: to be more informational as far as again what's included

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Speaker 1: in each module. But I don't want you to just

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Speaker 1: walk away with a knowledge of infidelity intensive. I want

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Speaker 1: you to walk away with an understanding, a revelation that

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Speaker 1: you do not have to go through this process alone.

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Speaker 1: Your spouse might not be willing right now to fix

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Speaker 1: him or herself. They might not think anything is wrong

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Speaker 1: with themselves. They might not be interested in working on

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Speaker 1: the marriage that has nothing to do with you. You

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Speaker 1: can choose to move forward, whether you are the unfaithful

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Speaker 1: spouse or whether you are the wounded spouse. You can

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Speaker 1: choose to heal and move forward. And that is what

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Speaker 1: I want you to take away from this episode today.

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Speaker 1: So let's get into one of our best of the

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Speaker 1: best this is a conversation about how to heal your

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Speaker 1: marriage after infidelity. Infidelity Intensive is re launching. That's right, friends,

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Speaker 1: many of you have been asking Dana, how can we

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Speaker 1: work with you? Our marriage is in trouble. Found out

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Speaker 1: my spouse was cheating on me. I just found some

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Speaker 1: crazy text messages and my husband's cell phone. What do

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Speaker 1: I do? So? I want to talk to you all

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Speaker 1: about this program and why it has been so instrumental

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Speaker 1: in helping so many couples to rebuild their marriages from infidelity.

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Speaker 1: Before I get into that, though, maybe you don't know

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Speaker 1: my story. Maybe you're a new listener to the podcast,

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Speaker 1: or maybe you've been listening for a while, but you

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Speaker 1: don't know the depth of what Seawan and I experience

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Speaker 1: in our marriage. We've been married for twenty six years,

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Speaker 1: but year one I found out that Sean was having

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Speaker 1: an affair. Now, if you've heard me talk about our

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Speaker 1: marriage before, you know that we got married super young.

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Speaker 1: I was eighteen, he was twenty one. We were dumber

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Speaker 1: than dumb. Okay, we had no idea what marriage was,

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Speaker 1: We had no boundaries. There was just a lot of

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Speaker 1: things that were wrong in our marriage that really made

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Speaker 1: us vulnerable to infidelity. Well, Sean wasn't the only one

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Speaker 1: that was sticking his hand in the forbidden cookie jar,

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Speaker 1: because after I found out that he was having an affair,

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Speaker 1: I around that same time, had an affair of my own.

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Speaker 1: Now I could sit here and give you all the

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Speaker 1: reasons and tell you that I felt unloved and we

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Speaker 1: had no emotional connection, and he could give you all

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Speaker 1: the excuses for why he decided to go outside of

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Speaker 1: his marriage. But the truth of the matter is, friends,

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Speaker 1: there's no good reason for infidelity. And I'm saying reasons

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Speaker 1: you can't see me over here putting air quotes. There

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Speaker 1: are excuses, though, There are excuses that people really believe

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Speaker 1: as to why they have chosen to step outside of

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Speaker 1: their marriage. Maybe you have heard these excuses, maybe from

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Speaker 1: your spouse. Maybe your spouse has told you something like

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Speaker 1: we weren't having sex enough, or we lost our friendship,

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Speaker 1: or I didn't mean for it to happen, it was

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Speaker 1: just a mistake, or that's what I saw growing up

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Speaker 1: and I don't really know how to fix it. Or

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Speaker 1: I was drunk, I was high, I was fill in

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Speaker 1: the blank. And the truth of the matter is those

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Speaker 1: are all excuses. Now they're not insurmountable. But the first

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Speaker 1: thing that we have to do is we have to

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Speaker 1: learn to tell the truth. What was really going on

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Speaker 1: inside your spouse is the reason that infidelity happened, not

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Speaker 1: what was going on inside of you. And I want

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Speaker 1: to say that because many of you need to be

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Speaker 1: set free. You need to understand it's not because you

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Speaker 1: didn't look the part. It's not because you quote let

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Speaker 1: yourself go. It's not because you weren't having sex with

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Speaker 1: your spouse enough. Because there are marriages all over this

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Speaker 1: world where those things are taking place, and the spouse

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Speaker 1: chooses not to be unfaithful. They choose to honor their

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Speaker 1: marriage vowels, they choose to honor their spouse, They choose

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Speaker 1: to uphold and honor their commitment. So if you have

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Speaker 1: a spouse that's telling you that you're the reason, you're

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Speaker 1: the reason that I did this, that's a lie. Okay.

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Speaker 1: So what I want to do and this very short

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Speaker 1: podcast episode is I want to walk you through the

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Speaker 1: Infidelity Intensive program and why this has been so life transforming.

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Speaker 1: And I know that we hear that all the time.

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Speaker 1: Everything's gonna change your life. The newest Pizza is gonna

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Speaker 1: change your life. The newest TV show is going to

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Speaker 1: change your life. Let me tell you all that this

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Speaker 1: is the program I wish I would have had when

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Speaker 1: Shawn and I were first starting to rebuild our marriage.

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Speaker 1: And listen, what I didn't tell you is that this

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Speaker 1: wasn't like a one and done thing. Mine was. I

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Speaker 1: had an affair with who I thought was a good

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Speaker 1: friend of mine and I never talked to that man again,

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Speaker 1: literally cut that relationship off, never look back. Sean went

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Speaker 1: through some cycles of infidelity. So if you maybe are

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Speaker 1: finding out for the third time or the fourth time

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Speaker 1: that your spouse has been unfaithful, you probably feel embarrassed.

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Speaker 1: You probably feel ashamed. You probably haven't told anybody because

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Speaker 1: you feel embarrassed and ashamed. Listen, I have been there,

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Speaker 1: and I know what you're going through. And this is

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Speaker 1: why I created this course. Why because sometimes we don't

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Speaker 1: want to go into a counseling session and talk about

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Speaker 1: these things. So you get to do this program and

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Speaker 1: the privacy of your own home. You're still going to

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Speaker 1: learn everything that you need to learn, but you're gonna

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Speaker 1: be able to do it on your time and at

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Speaker 1: your pace. And listen, you all. I don't know about you,

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Speaker 1: but I've done some things online that I'm like, well,

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Speaker 1: that was a joke. This is like all the best

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Speaker 1: of my coaching that I have put into a very

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Speaker 1: convenient program for you. There's eight modules in this course,

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Speaker 1: and so we're going to walk through those modules real

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Speaker 1: quick so that you can have an idea of what

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Speaker 1: to expect when you sign up for this course. The

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Speaker 1: first thing that I want to tell you, though, many

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Speaker 1: couples who come to me for infidelity recovery or a

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Speaker 1: fair recovery, whatever you call it, usually the first thing

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Speaker 1: that they ask is, Dana, can you help us to

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Speaker 1: rebuild trust? And I always say yes, but that is

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Speaker 1: not what we're going to start because when you first

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Speaker 1: find out about an affair, you do not start with

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Speaker 1: trying to rebuild trust or even trying to rebuild your marriage.

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Speaker 1: You have to first rebuild you. You have to figure out,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, what just happened to me. If you're

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Speaker 1: the spouse who was cheated on, you need triage, You

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Speaker 1: need healing, You need somebody to be able to come

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Speaker 1: alongside you and tell you, yes, this is not your fault.

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Speaker 1: But also you can talk about this. You don't have

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Speaker 1: to be ashamed. You don't have to be embarrassed. You

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Speaker 1: don't have to blame yourself. You need healing. And then

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Speaker 1: for the spouse who was unfaithful, you don't need shame,

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Speaker 1: you don't need condemnation. You need somebody to help you

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Speaker 1: to learn what repentance looks like and how to communicate

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Speaker 1: that you really do mean business to your spouse. Because

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Speaker 1: some of you who have been unfaithful, it's not that

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Speaker 1: you're not serious, you just don't know how to communicate that,

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Speaker 1: and you honestly don't know what to do in order

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Speaker 1: to show your spouse that you mean business. So the

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Speaker 1: first thing that we're going to do and infidelity intensive,

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Speaker 1: is we're going to talk about rescue and recovery. This

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Speaker 1: is where we are going to stabilize the emotional chaos

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Speaker 1: that has just slapped you on the face. Okay, your

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Speaker 1: marriage will never be the same, now, that's either good

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Speaker 1: news or bad news. The good news is your marriage

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Speaker 1: can be way better. I am a living witness that

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Speaker 1: your marriage can be way better than it was when

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Speaker 1: this infidelity happened. So we're going to talk about what's

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Speaker 1: needed to rebuild safety. How do you show your spouse,

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Speaker 1: that you're a safe place. Now, that's gonna be what

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Speaker 1: we're going to really talk about in this rescue and

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Speaker 1: recovery module. Okay, Module number two, we're going to talk

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Speaker 1: about reasons and revelations. Again, there is no good reason

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Speaker 1: that anyone should be unfaithful to their spouse. But are

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Speaker 1: there are situations that makes infidelity happen? Okay, so we're

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Speaker 1: going to talk about what situations those are, what made

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Speaker 1: you susceptible. We're going to talk about revelations. These are

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Speaker 1: the whys. Okay, These are the things that not only

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Speaker 1: contribute it to the infidelity, but that actually contributed to

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Speaker 1: the breakdown of your marriage. Because news flash, your marriage

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Speaker 1: was broken before infidelity ever showed upon the scene. That

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Speaker 1: might be news to you. Maybe you thowt our marriage

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Speaker 1: was great, we had no problems. Trust me, there were problems.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you were not aware of them or maybe you

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Speaker 1: were not addressing them. But in order for your marriage

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Speaker 1: to end up in a state of brokenness caused by infidelity,

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Speaker 1: it was already broken before this. Okay, So we're gonna

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Speaker 1: talk about that. In module two, Module three, we're gonna

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Speaker 1: talk about how to respond authentically. This is not a

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Speaker 1: time to fake it till you make it. This is

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Speaker 1: not a time to put on a smiling face and

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Speaker 1: just hope that time will heal all wounds. No, there

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Speaker 1: are specific things that you can do and should do

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Speaker 1: in order to respond to this trauma. That's what we're

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Speaker 1: gonna talk about in module number three. In module number four,

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Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about what it means to repent and repair. Now,

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Speaker 1: that word repent is not just a theological word. The

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Speaker 1: word repent means to turn around, to go in a

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Speaker 1: different direction. This is what a lot of unfaithful spouses

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Speaker 1: get wrong because they think if I just say I'm sorry,

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Speaker 1: then that should fix everything. If I just stop talking

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Speaker 1: to the other person, then that should fix everything. And

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Speaker 1: that is not what fixes it. Repentance is critical to

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Speaker 1: the rebuilding process. So what does it mean to repent?

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Speaker 1: And then what do you need to do to repair?

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Speaker 1: I often use this analogy when I'm talking about my kids.

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Speaker 1: If my kids were holding a glass of milk and

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Speaker 1: they trip over their feet and they spill milk all

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Speaker 1: over the place, and they're like, oh Mom, I'm so sorry,

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Speaker 1: I didn't mean to do that, I'd be like, all right,

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Speaker 1: no problem. Listen, everybody makes mistakes, But guess what you

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Speaker 1: need to clean up that milk. I'm not going to

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Speaker 1: clean it up like I didn't spill it. So what

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Speaker 1: does it mean to clean up your messes? That's what

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Speaker 1: we're talking about. In module number four and module number five,

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Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about releasing. What does it mean to

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Speaker 1: let go? Does it mean that we let the marriage go?

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Speaker 1: Does it mean that we let our spouse go? Does

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Speaker 1: it mean that we just forget about it and leave

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Speaker 1: the pass on the path. No, Releasing is all about

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Speaker 1: getting rid of resentment, shame, unforgiveness, the need to control

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Speaker 1: all of those kinds of things. Okay, we're going to

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Speaker 1: talk about that. In module number five and module number six,

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Speaker 1: we're going to get to rebuilding trust. Do you guys

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Speaker 1: see why it is not where we start. We've gone

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Speaker 1: through five modules before we even bring up the word trust.

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Speaker 1: What is trust? Because a lot of people think that

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Speaker 1: trust is something that it's not. Trust is earned always,

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Speaker 1: Trust is never given. This is why when you meet

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Speaker 1: your neighbor for the first time, you don't tell them

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Speaker 1: your Social Security number because they have not earned that

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Speaker 1: level of access to you yet. That takes time, and

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Speaker 1: so does trust. And so we're going to talk about

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Speaker 1: what is trust and how to actually rebuild it. What

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Speaker 1: are the things that need to happen in a marriage

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Speaker 1: an order for trust to be rebuilt. That's a big lesson. Okay,

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Speaker 1: Module number seven, we're going to talk about renewal. This

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Speaker 1: is getting you out of the mindset of trauma and

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Speaker 1: hurt and pain and starting to paint the picture for

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Speaker 1: what could be. Now, let me tell you upfront, all

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Speaker 1: marriages will not be restored after infidelity for many reasons.

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Speaker 1: The main reason being the unfaithful spouse is not willing

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Speaker 1: to do the work of repentance. Also, the wounded spous

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Speaker 1: sometimes they're not willing to do the work of forgiveness.

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Speaker 1: And then there's a myriad of other reasons. But when

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Speaker 1: we talk about renewal, I want you to start getting

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Speaker 1: a vision for your future, whether that is by yourself

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Speaker 1: because this person will not change, or whether it's in

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Speaker 1: your new found marriage that you're going to rebuild as

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Speaker 1: you go through this program, and I'm going to walk

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Speaker 1: with you every step of the way. And then module

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Speaker 1: number eight, this is kind of a bonus module because

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Speaker 1: I pray that you never need it. To be honest,

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Speaker 1: I pray that you never need this module, but statistics

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Speaker 1: don't lie. And the truth is if your spouse is

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Speaker 1: sheeted once, they're more susceptible to cheat again. And so

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Speaker 1: Module A is about relapses. Healing isn't linear. Setbacks might happen.

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Speaker 1: So what does it mean if your spouse relapses? What

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Speaker 1: relapses are are detrimental like to your marriage, like it's

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Speaker 1: an absolute deal breaker? And then what relapses can we

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Speaker 1: navigate and put up better boundaries and keep moving forward?

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Speaker 1: This is a very important lesson and I honestly recommend,

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Speaker 1: even though I say I hope you don't need it,

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Speaker 1: even if you're not planning obviously on like cheating or

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Speaker 1: your spouse again or being cheated on, This is a

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Speaker 1: really important thing for you to understand. What boundaries do

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Speaker 1: I need to put up so that we don't relapse?

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Speaker 1: All right? So that's basically a really quick breakdown. You

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Speaker 1: can go to Infidelity Intensive and read the actual burbage

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Speaker 1: on each module if you want even more information. But

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Speaker 1: let me tell you this friend, whether you go to counseling,

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Speaker 1: whether you hire a marriage coach, or whether you go

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Speaker 1: through Infidelity Intensive if your marriage has been affected by infidelity,

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Speaker 1: this is not a DIY project. You cannot just heal

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Speaker 1: your marriage on your own, not because you're not a

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Speaker 1: great smart person, but just because you do not have

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Speaker 1: the tools, nor do you have the guide in order

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Speaker 1: to do that. That'd be like me saying I'm going

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Speaker 1: to go to Spain. I don't know how to get

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Speaker 1: to Spain. I at least need a GPS, and then

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Speaker 1: I'm probably going to need a boat, a train, a plane,

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Speaker 1: some sort of vehicle. And the problem that I see

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Speaker 1: with a lot of couples that go through infidelity and

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Speaker 1: they think they can just do it on their own,

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Speaker 1: they don't have a vehicle and they don't have a plan.

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Speaker 1: I don't want that to be you. I truly believe

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Speaker 1: and have lived and have coached many many couples that

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Speaker 1: restoration is possible. But you need a guide and you

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Speaker 1: need a vehicle. I am your guide. Infidelity Intensive is

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Speaker 1: your vehicle. So let's go. I want you to head

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Speaker 1: a over to Danashay dot com forward slash Infidelity Intensive.

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Speaker 1: I have made this course easily accessible to you, and

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Speaker 1: I've made it financially possible for everyone. This is a

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Speaker 1: weighty course, meaning you're not going to fly through these

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Speaker 1: modules in ten minutes. Okay, You're going to spend some

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Speaker 1: time going through this, and I want to encourage you

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Speaker 1: to pace yourself so the investment reflects that, Okay, this

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Speaker 1: is not some cheap little thing that you're going to

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Speaker 1: just go through on a Friday afternoon one day. You're

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Speaker 1: going to need to spend some time going through this program,

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Speaker 1: but it is going to be worth everything. I want

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Speaker 1: you to think about your legacy. I want you to

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Speaker 1: think about your children. I want you to think about

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Speaker 1: that man or that woman that you said I do

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Speaker 1: too when you got married. Is it worth the investment?

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Speaker 1: Is it? Or are you going to just hope for

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Speaker 1: the best and see if we can just figure it out?

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Speaker 1: Because many of you have been trying to do that,

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Speaker 1: and my question is how has that worked for you?

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Speaker 1: Not so well, I imagine, So if you want something different,

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Speaker 1: you've got to be willing to do something different. Like

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Speaker 1: I said, I'm your guide. I will be walking with

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Speaker 1: you through this process so you are not alone. So

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Speaker 1: I want you to head over to Danashay dot com

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Speaker 1: Ford slash Infidelity Intensive. The time is now for you

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Speaker 1: to get started. We are relaunching today. I can't wait

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Speaker 1: to see you on the other side. Thanks so much

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Speaker 1: for joining me on the Special Edition podcast, and I

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Speaker 1: will see you at Danashay dot com. Fort slash Infidelity intensive.

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Speaker 1: Take care,